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dcomposing · 5 years

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jumin route rewrite???

ive had.... Issues with jumin's route since the first time i played it and im waiting out a 3 hour layover which means its time to self indulgently fix all of those problems right now in excruciating detail

for the record, i dont mean any disrespect towards cheritz -- i love mysme dearly and this is purely a self indulgent experiment to see what my ideal jumin route would have been! if you like his route as is thats totally fine! it just wasnt for me lmao

this was super fun to write and if this picks up i might do another route rewrite (and i might do it even if it doesnt because it was just that fun lol)

anyways this is REALLY long (literally its like 3k words all in outline form) so its gonna go under the cut lol

okay so: issues i had with jumin’s route that i want to address:

it moves WAY too fast — i mean all of the routes do to a certain degree; they’re only 11 days long but like... you’re literally engaged to him by the end of it which iirc, is something that is only replicated in seven’s normal ending (and even then i think its only implied?) and i get that the point is that jumin goes all out for the people he loves and is VERY certain that he loves you but it just feels... way too soon for my liking ESPECIALLY because you’re his first love! it just makes it feel like he’s caught up in the rush of being in love for the first time and isn’t thinking things through which... isn’t exactly the making of a great relationship lol. so for this re- write we’re gonna slow it WAY down because... oof.

the sarah and glam plot line happening concurrently with the mint eye/possessive jumin one makes the route feel overly busy. i actually have a similar issue with the echo girl/mint eye overlap in zen’s route but that’s a topic for another day lol. so i’m gonna try to delineate between the two a bit more so there’s less overlap.

SPEAKING OF possessive jumin lol... maybe its just my Personal Background bleeding in, but possessiveness is a really big red flag/trigger for me and i felt like it went WAY too far in his route. dgmw, i understand that its meant to be a character flaw and something he’s meant to overcome but i just feel like there are simpler ways to show that side of him without it becoming... as scary as it got. i wasn’t sure how to deal with it though -- i think it would best be expressed through smaller actions and the minutia of dialogue with the others (e.g. jumin refusing to send a photo of you into the chat room when zen asks if you’re alright, locking up elizabeth, etc.)

the canon first kiss with jumin happening both without your explicit consent AND just to drive sarah away is.... icky to me. especially because he MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH SARAH while kissing you??? i hate that cg lol. it just takes what should be a moment about the two of you and turns it into him using you to prove a point and i don’t like it at all. it’s not romantic and it feels... out of character for jumin to use someone he cares about like that. i have similar issues with the proposal happening right after he exposes glam and sarah. so lets make the kiss more genuine and nix the proposal entirely because it happens too quickly for comfort anyways.

with all of that in mind, i decided a fake dating plot would probably work best (and like i said, this is self indulgent and i’m a SUCKER for fake dating stories sooooo). it makes sure we hit all the beats of the glam/sarah plot line without shoving him and the mc into a relationship too quickly. it also means we can keep their first kiss as a big “fuck you” to sarah, but this time mc gets to be 100% in on the joke AND they get to have a “real” first kiss later on! that’s two (2!) kisses for the price of one folks.

i also decided that in order to streamline the plot a bit, the glam and sarah plot should end earlier, allowing for the mint eye plot to take center stage instead of being shoehorned in around a larger love triangle plot line. also glam and sarah are annoying and i don’t want to deal with them for six full days. the only downside is we don’t get to see v dunk on sarah at the party :-(

in lieu of a proposal for the necessary Big Romantic Gesture at the party, i thought it would be nice if jumin whisked you away from the party to paris or somewhere far away for a ridiculously extravagant first date literally in the middle of the party. not only is it ridiculously grandiose in and of itself, but in abandoning the party halfway through, it shows that jumin has grown into a more relaxed and spontaneous person through knowing you! he’s ready to throw caution to the wind and have fun with you (plus, Big Romantic Date cg!!)

day 5:

VN mode where we essentially get the exact same scene of chairman han telling jumin he wants him to marry sarah to make the merger with sugar round go more smoothly BUT this time jumin blurts out that he’s already with someone and that he didn’t want to go public with it yet. he assumes his father won’t press further, given that they’ve always had a mutual respect for one another’s privacy, but at glam’s insistence, chairman han says he wants to meet jumin’s partner. oh no!

jumin laments his situation to the rfa, resulting in pretty typical responses. zen laughs, yoosung is sympathetic but also kind of wishes it were just that simple for him to meet a wife. jaehee is worried that the inevitable fallout of this will result in more work for her. everything is business as usual until seven is like “ur so rich why don’t you just pay someone to pretend to date you lolol” and jumin (being, well, jumin) runs with it 100%. because they don’t have time to vet candidates (they’re supposed to have dinner with his dad tomorrow night!) he decides it should be someone he knows, but the majority of the other rfa members are already acquainted with his father via rfa events, making it more likely that he sees through the ruse. mc, however, has never met him, making them the perfect candidate! who would have thought lol

so they decide to move you into the penthouse that evening BUT before that can happen, they have to clear it with v because bomb, hacker, mint eye, etc. (yes this is how i’m choosing to do the bomb reveal lol). bonus, v gets to chide jumin about his dumb lie and we get a fun bff conversation with them!

final VN where you show up to the penthouse and you and jumin establish the parameters of your “relationship”. you decide that you’ll both sleep in his bed, just in case a cleaning staff member walks in and notices that he and his partner sleep separately and it ruins everything. establish what physical contact is and isn’t cool, etc, etc. you also decide that when the time comes, you’re going to tell his dad that the entire debacle with sarah put so much strain on your relationship that you had to break up. the hope being that chairman han will feel so bad about ruining things for jumin that he won’t try to force him into something like that ever again.

days 6-8:

you have dinner with his dad and answer pretty typical “meeting the parrents” questions. he asks what you guys did for your first date and jumin tells a 100% fake story about taking you to dinner on top of the eiffel tower and kissing you beneath the stars and the chairman is satisfied. that doesn’t mean that glam and sarah are though. they decide to do some sleuthing to prove that you guys aren’t really dating.

this is the fun part where we get to hit most of the beats of ur typical fake dating story! you and jumin get to know each other really well, albeit kind of superficially (favorite foods, fun childhood stories, etc. etc. nothing too heavy yet.) you guys cook together for the first time, cue cg of jumin with like... idk tomato sauce on his cheek or something. you watch a movie together and elizabeth falls asleep on your lap and jumin dies on spot idk

this is also where your first kiss happens, and pretty much in the same way except its much more mutual and he doesn’t look at sarah this time because his focus is on trying to make it look like he doesn’t even care that she’s there because you’re the only thing he cares about. (which.... isn’t actually hard for him to do at all)

chatrooms are pretty typical for this timeframe — you guys all know the drill. the other members are like “wow they seem really close” and speculate on whether or not you guys are actually together. zen is worried that jumin is going to force himself on you (wolves, etc.). yoosung is jealous that jumin gets to hang out with you. jaehee is upset that jumin is neglecting his work.

VAGUE mentions of weird activity on the messenger, but nothing too serious sounding. just enough to make jumin nervous -- esp with sarah and glam on his back still. this is when he locks elizabeth up.

day 8, the chairman learns that sugar round is worthless and that glam and sarah have been duping him the whole time. they’re disgraced and are never heard from again so... problem solved but this also means that you and jumin no longer have a reason to stay “together”... and you’re both kind of falling for each other so obviously that’s no good. you spend one last night in the penthouse before resolving to break things off officially in the morning. the other members talk about how sad you guys both seem to be parting.

BAD STORY END 1:

if you shy away at the fake intimate gestures (hand holding, hugging, etc), and pointedly answer incorrectly when asked a question about jumin that you should know the answer to, your ruse fails and you guys are caught faking the relationship. to avoid the scandal breaking to the press, jumin winds up marrying sarah anyways.

the branch point for this one would be right before the kiss scene, if you’re on track for the good end then the kiss happens, if not, you’re forced to shove him away when he goes in for it, revealing to sarah that you guys are frauds.

the cg would be him and sarah at the press release for their engagement announcement. sarah’s all smiles and jumin is... pretty understandably miserable looking. a reporter asks him about the other person he was in a relationship with prior to his engagement to sarah, and he reads off a line about how sarah captivated him like no one else ever could in an emotionless voice.

BAD RELATIONSHIP END 1:

if you do fine during the VN portions, but aren’t active enough in the chats, then the fake relationship plan works, but afterwards its just... really awkward. once the whole mint eye thing ends you’re pretty much just excommunicated from the rfa since you... didn’t really seem to like them all that much.

day 9:

a huge attack on the messenger happens, coupled with explicit threats directed at mc, sending everyone into such a panic that ending your fake relationship is the last thing on anyones mind. jumin is so fucking scared that he’s going to lose you, and muses in the chatroom about why he’s more scared for your safety than he would be if it were, say, yoosung being threatened (cue yoosung’s crying emoji lmao). everyone else is like “well clearly its because you’re in love with them”

anyways. they decide its for the best if you continue to stay at the penthouse and in spite of everything, you’re both... kind of relieved lol.

everything is all fine and dandy until elizabeth III runs away, ramping jumins anxiety up to 11 like... right away

this is where we really start to see behavior more along the lines of what happens in his route, you suggest the two of you leave and search for elizabeth, and he refuses to let you go, etc. etc.

it sort of turns into a fight, but it all works out in the end. he tells you about rika and elizabeth and why she means so much to him, and you guys talk about how fear of losing someone important to him can’t rule his life, and that its one thing to be careful, but another entirely to try to control someone else’s behavior because of fear.

you convince him to get some sleep, assuring him that elizabeth will turn up soon and that he’s going to be alright. you guys fall asleep next to eachother without even thinking about it. its not until jumin mentions something about waking up next to you in the chat the next day that the rest of the gang is like “uhhhh,,,, why are you guys still sharing a bed”

MEANWHILE lol seven and yoosung arrive at mint eye and find elizabeth, just like what happens in canon. they decide to bring her back tomorrow.

BAD STORY END 2:

obligatory mint eye ending. if you’re too aggressive and forward with jumin and don’t give him time to properly process his feelings, he doesn’t offer to let you stay at the penthouse, relying on seven’s assurance that the apartment is totally secure (it’s not). saeran breaks in and takes you away.

this branch happens pretty early in the day, before elizabeth escapes.

i thought about a cg for this one but tbh... there are so many saeran and mc at mint eye BE cgs that idk what i could come up with that wouldn’t be super derivative lol

BAD RELATIONSHIP END 2:

again, because you’re only talking to jumin and not the rest of the rfa, he assumes that you don’t like being in the rfa very much BUT he still likes you... a lot and is very worried about your safety re: hacker, AND because he still hasn’t really dealt with his issues regarding v/rika/emotions, you guys decide to just straight up leave lol. you move to a different country where he can pretty much continue doing his work remotely while keeping you safe.

the cg for this one is the two of you in a different cushy apartment somewhere. you’re making dinner while he works. its... stable, but noticeably stiff. neither of you are talking much and his dialogue is pretty stilted. its pretty clear that he regrets abandoning his friends and is unhappy.

day 10:

3AM chat with zen where he speaks entirely in thinly veiled hypotheticals about you guys. (“well, if i thought i could have a shot with someone i really loved, i think i would take that chance and tell them, even if i might get shot down. and even if that person was a huge ass who my sexy white-haired best friend hated. i would tell them how i felt”)

seven secures the messenger again and the threat is declared neutralized! you’re safe to go home but neither you nor jumin want that at all.

yoosung brings elizabeth back around 9, and it proceeds pretty similarly to what happens in his route: he’s wary about taking her back because he feels that he’s mistreated her, you’re like “whoa buddy you’re going too far in the opposite direction here” and you and v have to convince hm that its going to be okay. the only real difference is that v doesnt also have to convince him to let you go. he just says something about how the two of you seem to bring out the best in each other, and that jumin is brighter when you’re around.

later, jumin (tries) to make you lunch using the cooking skills you taught him a few days ago as a final payment (since you refused actual money) for all of your help, both with his father and with elizabeth, but he winds up ordering in instead. its very cute BUT its super awkward because neither of you has said anything about not wanting to leave.

finally you have to face the music and pack your bags. you hug jumin goodbye and make him promise to still get lunch with you sometime before heading back to rika’s apartment sadly.

everyone is like “yo what the fuck???” and its actually yoosung of all people who is finally like “this is ridiculous. you two clearly have feelings for each other and you need to deal with it”

jumin is absent from most of the chatrooms for the rest of the day though, so he doesn’t really see anything until he forces himself to log on later that night and is like “oh”

and YES of course this is going to culminate in a typical romcom scene where he has driver kim race to the apartment so he can pound on the door and apologize to you and tell you how he feels!! maybe it even happens in the rain just to maximize romance. the important thing here is that you finally kiss him for real this time and its perfect.

BAD STORY END 3:

pretty much jumin’s BE2, if you werent assertive enough with him re: his possession/control issues on day 9, he never gets over them. when elizabeth is returned he locks her back up and insists that you continue to stay with him as well, canon BE2 ensues.

i gotta hand it to cheritz. its a really good bad ending and theres not much i wanna change about it. its so scary in a calm sort of way, which i think is the perfect vibe for a dangerously unhealthy jumin. if only people would stop fetishizing it lolol

party (GE ver):

date is technically a work function. especially when the fake first date you told his father was so perfect. he then decides that the two of you have been there long enough to fulfill your obligations, and that no one could really begrudge you if you “took off” a little early. you guys fly to paris that night and have that dinner on top of the eiffel tower.

the ending cg isn’t a kiss one, but a more simple, sweet one of the two of you in a dimly lit restaurant, jumin listening to you talk with the most tender, loving look in his eyes.

party (NE ver):

you and jumin mingle with the guests and the other members for a bit, but as the evening goes on, jumin gets restless. he pulls you aside and tells you that, while you did a wonderful job planning the party, he can’t help but regret that your guys’ first date is technically a work function. especially when the fake first date you told his father was so perfect. he laments the fact that if he was caught shirking responsibilities to take you on a real date, the press would have a field day with it, but promises to make it up to you, and take you out on a proper one tomorrow.

this cg is the two of you dancing at the rfa party, jumin resting his chin on the top of your head and daydreaming out loud about everything the two of you could do on your real first date.

#jumin stans please dont come for me jfgjflkjlkjdl #jumin han #mystic messenger #mysme jumin

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alicezan-ncgred · 5 years

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Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative.

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this.

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too.

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin.

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better.

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression.

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that.

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue.

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt.

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly.

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling.

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode.

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.

#Long post #tw: suicide #TW: Depression #Trigger Warning #TW #OCD #Anxiety #Chronic Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar #Mental Health #My mental health

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mikecardenmpreg · 6 years

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recovery, etc.

so its been just about a year since i got back into therapy and i just want to say this because i didnt make it clear enough when it happened. when i went in for my intake session last december, they wanted to hospitalize me. like. that day. right then. they didnt even want to finish the interview. they just wanted to admit me. because people reporting numbers like mine were in hospitals on suicide watch. they did not want me to leave the premises. i had to assure them that i wasnt going to kill myself (even though i knew that wasnt a promise i could make). i had to sign a CONTRACT promising i would not kill myself before my first therapy session. the intake specialist was skeptical but he let me go (though he had no idea how i was able to function on a daily basis - jokes on him though because i wasnt functioning at all). he had a look in his eye that told me he wasnt sure letting my leave was a good idea. when i went to my first therapy session with ann a few weeks later, she also wanted to hospitalize me and again i found myself assuring someone i didnt know that i wasnt going to kill myself (and that still wasnt a promise i could make). a year ago i was so sick that i was nearly hospitalized for my own safety and for the safety of others. i smiled and joked and laughed through it all. i reblogged relatable sad posts. i tried not to make it seem like it really bothered me. but i was barely hanging on.

i got my diagnosis on december 13th. i didnt talk to ann much but i told her just enough for her to deduce i had bpd. its something i knew for at least two years. i sat with my knees to my chest the entire session, uttering a few words here and there, picking at the fraying knees of my jeans. she took notes. she told me my numbers were concerning, that people with numbers like these are generally in inpatient care. i stared. nothing behind my eyes. i was a shell. she said “hopefully next time we meet youll be more comfortable with me and we can talk some more”. i felt like an asshole for sitting there and wasting her time. i thought i was a lost cause. i thought there was no way i was gonna get better.

and for the longest time i didnt. i was hurting so much. i was separated from all my friends and still dealing with the aftermath of not one but two absolutely devastating (at the time) rejections. i wanted to kill myself so badly but didnt have the means to do it efficiently and effectively (ive always been too scared to actually try to kill myself in case it didnt work - something ive told my therapist). i felt like the biggest fucking loser. i remembered the summer of 2012 and thinking (back then) that there was no way i could feel worse than i did then. i was wrong. how i felt in december 2016 through january-march 2017 was the worst ive ever felt in my entire life. looking back its mostly static. dont remember a lot of it. all i remember is being angry and suicidal and wanting to hurt everyone around me.

in april i started dbt. it took awhile for me to get into the class. ann had me take other classes to help cope with my other problems (anxiety mostly) and helped me process some of my issues until i could get into dbt. borderline is a little out of her area of expertise but she knows how to listen and is very very good at validating all my little hang ups (i love my therapist).

it took me a few weeks to see the value in dbt. for the first few months all it did was dredge up old shit and trigger me until i was hollow and numb. every week it felt like i was being ripped open and flayed. every week i got to relive a different traumatic memory. every week i disassociated to keep myself safe in this room of strangers (who were also disassociating to keep themselves safe). (disassociation is not a healthy coping mechanism)

but then i went on medication for my depression and anxiety and the combination of that, dbt, and regular therapy sessions actually began to like work? like? thats wild? and i started to see changes in my life because i was learning how to communicate appropriately and deal with my trauma effectively. and i stopped dwelling on the things that made me feel bad and started diving in to the things that made me feel good. i started spending more time with friends and reaching out and actually putting an effort into being a better friend. i started being honest and open with my parents about my progress rather than being super secretive and hiding things. and somehow the constant stress dreams and nightmares and violent thoughts and suicidal ideations stopped. i was finally able to enjoy things again. i was even able to spend time with my parents and actually enjoy it. hell i even looked forward to seeing them and talking to them (which is a really fucking big deal).

there have been slip ups along the way. things have happened that have really bent me out of shape. but i was able to deal with those things and recover. last december i was prepared to ruin every relationship i had. i told my parents to not come to my graduation. i almost deleted all my friends phone numbers and unfollowed them on all social media so i never had to speak to them again. i was ready to isolate myself from everyone so that when i killed myself (which i was getting ready to do) i wouldnt hurt anyone.

im not gonna say that i cant believe that person then and the person i am now are the same people because i can absolutely believe it. there are times when i want to go back to my old ways because regressing is a lot easier than constant progress. and getting better doesnt always have 100% positive results. ive learned a lot about myself and others along the way. ive had to sever ties. ive learned that some people arent capable of change. ive learned that sometimes taking a break from the people you love the most is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for them). ive had to have hard conversations because getting better has forced me to learn that you gotta actually work for what you want.

i havent been perfect this whole time either. i still havent learned how to value my own feelings over the feelings of others or how to accept that other people care about me. im sure some day i will. a year of therapy isnt going to fix everything. but some day ill have a breakthrough.

the whole point of this though is that if i can make it through my darkest moments and turn my shit around....anyone can. but its important to know beforehand that its a process. nothing happens overnight. nothing happens in a month. recovery is something you have to work at day and night for the rest of your life. its something you have to want. it doesnt come easy and its not pleasant. its not all soothing baths and flowers and handwritten journals. its crying and screaming and addressing your past traumas and welcoming them into your home like theyre family (and then accepting that they happened but not letting them dictate your every move). its being honest - brutally honest - with not only yourself but with others. its letting go of people you love and learning to exist in the void of loneliness (until the people you love learn to accept the new you). its showing up every week (or month or whatever) and saying something for once, even if you think its stupid, even if you think its irrelevant. recovery is ongoing. im about to finish my first year. i still have a lot of work to do and im actually kind of excited to do it? which is cool considering my contingency plan has always been to kill myself.

anyway. i just wanted to say that. i dont pat myself on the back very often but ive accomplished a lot this last year. and not gonna lie but ive referred to myself as “most improved patient” in my head multiple times these past few months. im in a pretty okay place right now. im glad im still here (despite the world getting worse literally every day). im glad i have people i can share that with. and i hope some day soon i can return the love and support ive been given tenfold :)

#suicide mention #long post #very long and personal post

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heyitscmei · 7 years

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so i see theres some theory talk floating around

but this post isnt really to do with theories so much as characterization

i had a whole thread over on twitter but ill just copy and paste some thoughts here in regards to one particular post ive seen floating around and some posts linked within im not trying to start fights or anything, im just expressing some thoughts of my own which is why im not linking to the post in question anyways

just a reminder, keith isnt a good liar so unless he became a good liar in the time that shiro was gone, i sincerely dont think he was lying to shiro when he told him that the team needed him

but whether or not he became a good liar or not, one thing is certain based on what weve been shown:

keith is a capable leader, but he still hasnt quite grown into the role yet

keith still hasnt quite learned how to pick his battles

thats why i dont think its quite right to say that hes more capable of a leader than shiro with time, he could be thats something even shiro himself saw in keith: potential

however something thats been made clear to us is that keith still needs to learn a little

shiro on the other hand, has experience being in a leader role hes the garrisons golden boy, the pilot of the kerberos mission and he was the head of voltron for a reason black chose him for a reason

he is capable he is a role model for keith keith tells shiro that the team needs him that he cant do it and isnt as good of a leader as shiro because its what he believes to be true

keith is honest and straightforward he knows hes lacking and he doesnt try to pretend that hes a perfect leader he KNOWS hes still struggling between doing what he WANTS to do and doing what he SHOULD do - with accepting that the things he wants to do arent necessarily good for the team to be doing

hes grown immensely in the time he has been leader, but hes not the leader they need to defeat lotor not the way he is right now and he KNOWS that

as for shiro... i can agree that maybe leading voltron gave him control something that hed been robbed of in his captivity but i also dont think that hes the type to really let things like betrayal or jealousy or whatever cloud his vision shiro from the start has always seemed to put their purpose before himself hes never given the impression of being a selfish enough person to have issues over who the leader is he seems more likely to be the type to think 'if this is what it takes, well do it this way'

i think hes being genuine when he says hes glad the team didnt lose sight of things in his absence because thats just how he is hes glad that his absence didnt become their undoing because hes only one person winning the war means saving a lot more than that hes proud of them for that because thats shiro thats what hes like selfless but driven

not once has he ever complained about being thrust into this war even though hes got more than enough reasons to complain because he sees this mission and he knows its for the greater good he knows first hand how bad it can be he wants to spare people from that its like hes selfless to a fault so i dont think he actually has any issues with feeling left out or feeling as though hes the odd one out from the team if that were really the case, i dont think hed guide from the castle as easily as he is theres no reservations or hesitation he doesnt seem to think 'im not part of this anymore' so much as 'im part of this, but in a different way from usual'

keith is so willing to step aside for shiro because ultimately he still believes wholeheartedly that shiro is most suited to lead

keith has never cared about claiming or holding onto the leader position

now in the interest of explaining why i dont think the reasons the OP of the post mentioned that make shiro a bad leader dont actually make shiro a bad leader, i addressed each reason individually so 1) in regards to when shiro tries to carry lance outside after lance protects coran from the bomb

why does he do it? well its not a good idea to leave an injured teammate alone, for one for two, if the explosion was within the castle, its pretty reasonable to think the castle isnt safe either ultimately, while the castle is big, you dont want to be cornered in the very place that the galra are likely to infiltrate

what are the galra after? the lions where are the lions? in the castle where will the galra be going then? the castle so where do you not want to be with your injured teammate? the castle

not to mention, without the crystal, the castle is generally nonfunctional the chances of lance being okay are ultimately greater if shiro gets him out of the castle at least, its a risk shiro is willing to take

why tell pidge to come back when shiro will have the easier time getting lance to safety? not to mention shiro is already there with him its not like he could tell when exactly pidge would be done sending coran and hunk off theres also no telling how long it would take for pidge to get to them its not a wise decision to just stay put inside the enemies main target while knowing the team was so separated

tell allura to come back? let keith check the arusian village by himself? thats not a smart idea either we know that it was ruse to separate them, but the team didnt know that at the time dramatic irony

so from shiros perspective, its better if allura and keith go to the arusian village together because at least they have an ally to watch their backs in the event that something is wrong you dont hear that a village is under attack and assume it wont be dangerous safety in numbers

2) regarding shiro and his decisions about when to fight and when not to fight

its worth mentioning that first and foremost, shiro never makes a decision that he doesnt wait for the others inputs on hes not the type to force them to do something if the majority disagrees with his decisions

but a very important thing about being a leader is knowing when to choose your battles this is especially emphasized in s3 however, whether to fight or retreat hasnt always necessarily been dependent on whether the odds are in their favour or not

one such exception is when they decided to take on zarkons command center

shiro knew that keith was right when he said theyd be bringing zarkon exactly what he wants he wasnt ignoring him shiro was the one who said himself that the odds would be against them even in season 1 it isnt as though he suddenly changed his mind what changed was that they had allura

and allura is a lot more than just a part of the team shes the altean princess shes the true leader of the entire damn war shes too important for them to lose

things they lose if they lose allura? - the ability to wormhole, thus reducing their mobility by a great deal - a key figurehead in the war and the person who best handles the talks and meetings with the other planets

not to mention that she has powers all of them lack, including coran

someone like that isnt exactly easily replaced

shiro said it himself when the others reminded him he was the one who said they shouldnt take on zarkons central command at first they had no choice but to attack zarkons command center

they had to try because, the way he probably saw it, the war was as good as lost if they didnt save allura anyways

in s2 when zarkon manages to keep finding them, keith says they can fight that they should fight (this is actually considered a flaw that he needs to overcome, and is addressed in s3 - he needs to learn to choose his battles) but shiro says that they dont stand a chance against zarkon and his entire fleet

again, he didnt just suddenly change his mind and hes not being hypocritical in any way he explains why they cant because keith doesnt know how to pick his battles yet

they pull back, because shiro doesnt yet see a chance for them to come out of the battle victoriously theyre not prepared yet

later when shiro says that they will be attacking, its different its on their terms its not him listening to keith because he suddenly saw an error in his own judgement or whatever this is shiro acknowledging that there is an advantage to be gained this way they have a chance here that isnt more likely to leave them all dead thats called picking your battles

shiro isnt a bad leader for it in fact, its exactly what will make keith a better leader in s3

3) regarding shiro and keith and leadership

shiro does not have 'a lot of nerve' to tell keith that he has to control his emotions if hes going to lead

shiro is well aware of the fact that sometimes, when youre put into a position where youre responsible for not just yourself, but a whole team of people, you cant let your judgement be clouded by emotions sometimes the things you have to do are not always the things you want to do

its true that keith is rational and can make smart decisions, but in the context of when shiro says this to keith its because he acknowledges that keith still lets emotions cloud his vision sometimes and the scene prior was one of those times you cant lash out at your team you have to talk to them properly thats the kind of thing shiro is trying to have keith understand

(and for the record, the decision to attack zarkons command center was not a decision that seemed to be based on emotion. at the time they attacked, shiro was not aware of the control zarkon still had over the black lion, so he couldnt have been scared of that and sure he might have been scared about what would happen to himself, to allura, to the team, but it was a risk they had to take because allura is too crucial to their mission - thats not an emotional decision its a smart one)

but hes not saying "dont be like me" to keith when he says keith has to control his emotions hes saying this because he acknowledges that keith has potential but he also acknowledges that his potential is still hindered by things that keith needs to work on and overcome

also, keith going against zarkon was not emotionally driven it was more likely keiths idea of a way to gain a huge advantage in the war no emperor to lead automatically means that the opposing side is weakened substantially

it wasnt necessarily the right thing to do either keith had no idea of what zarkon was capable of (pick your battles - going in blind isnt exactly advisable and coran even TELLS him not to do it. coran has been shown to have known more, which is a given considering he was present 10000 years ago)

also shiro doesnt have blind faith in keith for a long time now, canon has been hinting that shiro and keith have a backstory shiro knows keith better than anyone else because the rescue from the garrison was very clearly not their first meeting ("its good to have you back", “its good to be back”)

also the insinuation that shiro is not fit to lead because he has ptsd... yikes i dont think i need to elaborate on why exactly that implication is yikes-worthy

its true that keith displays leadership potential early on in the show but this doesnt necessarily mean that shiro isnt a good leader and that keith is automatically better

shiro isnt perfect, but hes a great leader canon has told us time and time again that keith has to grow into the role

(also the reason keith follows shiro and not the other way around: shiro changed his life. shiro is a positive person in his life and keith both trusts and relies on him because shiro didnt give up on him. this is why he follows shiro)

shiro doesnt "hold him back" shiros done nothing but push keith forward and support him keith would be insulted if someone thought shiro was any less than his biggest supporter (”if it wasnt for you, my life would have been a lot different”, “shiro is the only person who didnt give up on me - i wont give up on him”) shiro showing keith reason and explaining why they cant follow through on some of the things keith wants to do isnt "holding him back"

its true keith sees a lot of good stuff in shiro but the same is true for shiro to keith its mutual and shiro tells keith he wants him to lead voltron not because he doesnt want keith to follow him and wants to follow keith instead he tells keith this because shiro acknowledges that sometimes in war, things happen he could die and hes had some close calls he wants keith to lead because he knows he can trust keith to lead the team he knows that if keith leads, even if hes gone the team will be left in capable hands hes been trying to nurture that

4) in regards to keith stopping pidge from leaving and shiro stopping keith

keith is right about pidge putting two people over the universe however shiro is right about how you cant force people to be part of the team you dont nurture bonds that way you dont build a team that way

why? how do you expect to build a functioning team if a member is reluctant to be part of it

personally speaking, when i dont want to do something i dont end up doing the thing as well as i could be and im unhappy doing the thing the whole time

thats not good for the team shiro knows this and so, if pidges mind really cant be changed, he wont force her to stay also, paladins can be replaced and im sure shiro knows that considering when they first met allura, she asked them what happened to the blue lions paladin they know there were paladins before they know that they are not the first they are not the only paladins

it wouldve set them back, but if they really needed to, theyd look for a new green paladin to take pidges place you cant fight a war with someone who isnt willing to fight a war

also to say that shiro doesnt care about finding the holts as much is just.. first of all, weve established that shiro puts their purpose first im more sure that he wants to find them and just knows they dont have the time to put all their focus on finding two people when a universe is at stake

whether they have to find a new green paladin hinges on pidge, but hes not going to force her to stay besides, forcing someone to stay and fight a war... it doesnt sound like a good idea, ultimately keiths heart is in the right place and he has the right idea, but theres more to being a leader than telling people what to do its a job that requires understanding, especially for the people within the team

its true it wouldve been dangerous for pidge, but shiro is a recently escaped captive from the galra empire this, in addition to who he seems to be as a person... i think the last thing he wants to do is keep someone somewhere against their will and force them into doing something

and shiro telling keith he wants him to lead wasnt him trying to force the role on keith he was trying to give voltron the biggest winning chance in the event that he would be unable to lead them (for obvious reasons considering theyre fighting a war)

and thats about everything i have to say but im just leaving these here to organize some of those thoughts its kind of a mess but i tried to address everything i order as best as i could

#voltron #shiro #keith #meta #for lack of a better term #idk what to call this #but i wanna have a place i can easily access it so thats as good as any #cmei rambles

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5hfanfiction · 7 years

Text

January 18,2017 (IV)

“I love her.”

Camila’s POV

I suddenly wasn’t feeling so well anymore, her words hit me like ton of bricks. Everything she was saying was all leading up to my demise. ~i sigh~ How could I have been so stupid, so stupid to actually think she would want to be with me. After everything I’ve put her through, after everything I’ve put US through. It all makes sense ya know, her pulling away, me pushing her away. Saying I wanted to spend more time in the studio when in reality I was just trying to get away from her. Unintentionally I was pushing her more and more towards Lucy, this is all my fault. I-

“Camz, please talk to me. We’ve been giving each other the silent treatment for so long now. I know you, and I know you are probably blaming yourself because you were basically avoiding me for the better part of last year-.” How does she know me so well? I ask myself. She’s still talking but I can’t hear what she is saying, all I see is her lips moving and wishing so much to place mine on hers. “Camz!”….“Listen, I….think we should go get this interview started, they are waiting for us.” I quickly try to move past her but again she knows me through and through and grabs my wrist to stop me- part of me wants to do the cliche thing and crash my lips against hers just like any romantic movie scene would go, but this isn’t a movie…this is my life - she looks me in the eyes as if she’s trying to read me I hope I’m not giving anything away. “Camz, don’t you want to talk about this?” I smile, “No, we’ve had them waiting long enough, really. I’m happy for you and I don’t want to argue, or try to decipher anything Lauren really. It’s clear that you’ve moved on and I’m happy that you are happy. Let’s go!”

“Hey guys it’s Dinah, hi I’m Camila, I’m Ally, hey it’s Normani, hi I’m Lauren. And we’re Fifth Harmony”

Interviewer: “Wow, it’s so great to hear that introduction again, I know I as a Harmonizer from the start I was really excited for this intro and you guys just made my dreams come true! So thank you for that.”

Ally: “Awe you are adorable no thank you for having us, we’ve loved Billboard from the start so definitely thank you guys for all the love and support you’ve given us throughout the years.”

Interviewer: “Of course, always a pleasure to have you ladies in our studio, together or separate which has been the case the last few times, with that being said Lauren congratulations on the success with "Back To Me” it’s been on repeat in our studio and on my phone, car and home constantly! It’s killing it on the chart as well so congratulations!“

Dinah,Camila,Ally,Normani: "Sameee, it’s a bop!” “So Good!!” “raindrop, drop top, it’s a bop!” -They all laugh hysterically, just like old times.

Lauren: “ gosh! Thank you so much! Much appreciated!”

Interviewer: “ok, now while we are the topic of you guys being separated, there have been a ton of speculations as to the reason for you Camila leaving the group”

-I nodded-

Interviewer: “Would you like to elaborate on that?

Camila: "Well, yes there were a ton of speculations of my leaving. Most if not all were false. The statements made by our management at the time were false, I didn’t have my representatives tell the girls I was leaving. I did that on my own, we had a quote unquote meeting where we all put all our cards on the table with personal and professional relationships we’ve had at that time. I was very hurt with the way they had put out such a harsh statement like that and with the icing me out of things such as accounts,and appearances so quick. This very day one month ago was the official day all of our contracts were "unattached” so to speak. I’m sure the other girls can elaborate that from their own perspective too - I looked to the other girls who all nodded- I as well as the rest of the girls were very much wanting to do solo projects, I guess in retrospect I was just more vocal about it than you guys were. There are definitely things I wish I could have done differently in the journey we’ve had together -at this point I was speaking to the girls more so than the interviewer- but I don’t regret anything. - I giggled- It’s been the most disastrous blessing in disguise. - Lauren smiles at me, and I smile back - The real reason for my leaving though is not what everyone thinks it is.“

Interviewer: "It’s not? Well please clarify it’s why we are all here. Some of the few speculations we’ve gotten were mainly of feuds between you and other members of the group. i.e feuds with Normani and Ally for you wanting to go solo. Feuds between you and management for the same reasons of wanting to go solo. Also feuds between Lauren and yourself for speculations of a personal relationship gone wrong.”

Normani: “ The "feud” between Camila and I is non existent, I love this girl. She is my sister. Like she said we’ve been through a journey together and though I won’t lie there were arguments but those are normal, nobody is 100% happy all the time. Everyone has their disagreements and fights but those can all be solved. Yes her wanting to go solo was a surprise, her debuting her single was an even bigger surprise mostly because we were blindsided by it. We had no idea she had actually laid out a track and was premiering it. When the world found out about the single we did too. It would have been nice to hear directly from her, not a fan who tagged me in the cover art. But it’s not like she avoided us about it, after the fact she got us all together and told us apologized for not having us hear it from her first but she told us and we supported her. Sure I was pissed at first but not to the point that the band would break up over it.“

Ally: "Same here, we would have liked her to have taken a different approach on it but thats really what it came down to. She messed up but she stepped up and took whatever backlash she had to because at the end of the day she’s an artist. We all are and we at times have to fight for the art that we want to express to the world. We as a group have done it for songs on our albums, and she was doing it for her own art. We love Harmonizers we really do, they are the true ride or die fans. But I think that sometimes they forget that we were FORMED into a group. It’s not something any of us initially aspired to be. We all auditioned for X Factor as solo artists, and at the time we fit best as a group and it’s brought us success that has given us the opportunity to be on a platform that we otherwise wouldn’t be in. I personally owe everything to this group."

Ally smiled and reached over for my hand which I gladly took and squeezed hers as well.

Interviewer: "and what about with management?”

Dinah: “Well as we confirmed with you guys, we were given a different and more equal contract within our same label. With this new contract that the four of us are really excited about it gives us more creative freedom in terms of writing our own songs, more voice in performances and visual ideas for videos. Also with this new contract we are focused and committed to Fifth Harmony as a group but we also are legally able to pursue solo endeavors. Which was verbally told to us in our previous contract but legally we actually couldn’t. That was one of the downfalls our old management had with Camila."

Dinah also reached for my hand and I gladly took it. I knew that the girls and I had some unresolved issues we had to speak on and I knew that this would help but wow did I need to hear this from them. I not only reiterated to me their feelings towards me but it showed me how much I missed them. I spent so much time trying to separate myself from the whole "group” thing that I lost my way and lost my friends a little bit. I’m so glad I have them back and that they actually want me back. I couldn’t be happier with them than I am right now, well at least for now. Then the interview took a turn towards relationships.

Interviewer: “So Lauren how did you feel when your bandmate was getting essentially hate on social media for doing a solo project and then you yourself comes out with a solo project?”

Lauren: “First off, I and we all support Camila 100% and to reiterate what Ally said earlier we all came into this wanting to be solo artists so it’s not crazy to think that eventually we all want to pursue a solo career in whatever field we decide to pursue it in. As for the hate she got on social media I think and she can speak for herself but I think it was the beginning of not feeling like she was a part of this group - she pauses- among other things…. - she composes herself- the fans are a big part of who we are. We wouldn’t be anywhere without our fans, having said that we want the fans to support ALL of us in no matter what we do. We are no strangers to social media, our fans are very hip on keeping us up to date on things even before we are sometimes. - she chuckles looking over to the rest of us - I didn’t think it was fair to her, she had worked really hard to bring out something that she was proud of and people shitted on it because it didn’t have Fifth Harmony attached to it. I felt hurt for her and I didn’t like it, she knows how we all felt and she and I had a heart of heart about it. At the end of the day we all support each other in whatever we do, Mani with the dances, Camila with her songs, and whatever else we each decide to do.”

Interviewer: “ I love all this, like I said I’m a Harmonizer from day one and this is making me so giddy right now! I love you guys and seeing you all here together and hearing how you guys are stronger than ever even though you are not together as a group anymore but this chemistry is giving me so much life! Speaking of chemistry, can we address ‘Camren’?”

…..

A/N: ahhhh hopefully this is good. let me know!?! - if you want to follow i’m also on wattpad the story on there is called “I needed you guys” follow me on there I’m @LernJergi_H4rmony

#UPDATE #series #camren #normally #laurmani #caminah #alren #normila #camally #norminah #laurinah #dinally #humour #romance fluff #submission #january 18 2017

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thesquidwizard · 3 years

Text

I was told reading Philosophical problems with blah blah blah would answer why making 500 genders would solve gender stereotypes I am petty and affable so I read it

If you want my opinions and my mind slowly melting i am kindly putting this under a read more cuz its fucking long as shit

the TLDR is : this drivel doesnt mention the problems of gender stereotypes or neogenders at all its just some guy wanking on why women need to give up their spaces because he thinks their wrong and annoying ( Kathleen Stock especially)

I’d love to @ you lake-lady, but you blocked me for thought crimes and im to lazy to try to get around that ( if you actually read this before recommending it to me, you are very very strong and very very brainwashed)

the first 14 paragraphs are circle talk "GC feminists are wrong, i will prove their wrong, they think "this" it is wrong ill prove its wrong etc etc etc" if you survive that that, They focus on Kathleen Stock in their words "Stock presents an articulate, relatively comprehensive, and moderate form of gender-critical feminism" first: If Margie’s self-diagnosis (“I’m a boy”) is questioned by the therapist, the therapist can be construed as . . . “converting” . . . a trans child to a “cis” one. If, on the other hand, Margie’s self-diagnosis is affirmed unquestioningly, the therapist is effectively failing to affirm Margie in a sexual orientation of lesbianism; something which also looks like conversion by omission. (Stock, 2018e) -They spend 5 paragraphs explaining why Stocks hypothetical girl^ isnt converted to male heterosexualness by transitioning, and not affirming Marges Gender identity is Dangerous They do not address Stocks ACTUAL concern that Gender Affirming Therapy without any kind of therapy and research on GNC and SSA children is conversion by omission because it doesnt take into account if these feelings stem from gender stereotypes and homophobia. Stocks is not concerned that you are converting this girl straight( sex is real she would be SSA either way) she is concerned your transitioning her without affirming her sexuality and giving her support in the knowledge that being a lesbian is okay and perfectly normal.-

Next: concern about female-only spaces is about legal self-identification without any period of “living as a woman,” prior male socialisation in a way which exacerbates the tendency to violence against female bodies, and the fact that many self-identifying trans women . . . retain both male genitalia and a sexual orientation towards females. (stock) If the evidence shows (as, in fact, it is already showing) that some males—whether genuinely “truly” trans or just pretending—turn out to pose a threat to females, and it’s really hard to tell in advance which ones will, can’t we then make a social norm and/or law to exclude all [natal] males from female-only spaces . . . ? (also stock)

-Quotes are separated by garbage but this whole section is what we have all seen before " why must trans woman suffer, just because cis men hurt woman" except its really long it acknowledges male violence rates but refuses to acknowledge we have already seen men (and identified transwoman) taking advantage to hurt woman. This whole chunk is just SOME woman must be sacrificed for Trans feelings-

They do put: Finally, we know that some men who come into contact with children in their work will offend against them. Yet we do not exclude all men from working with children, even if using gender as a watershed would prevent those offenses. Why does the good of minimizing child sexual abuse not lead us inexorably to the conclusion that we must outlaw all male teachers and coaches? Because our practical reason recognizes complexity: We readily see that even the most highly desirable states of affairs (minimizing abuse of children) do not have simple, quasi-mechanistic implications for policy or decision-making, and that they do not justify the indiscriminate suppression of other goods (even less important ones, such as professional vocations).

-And id like to add with the rise in pedo crimes I am 100% down with separating men from children because i do not think any child should be endangered just to keep men in jobs.-

They also put this quote in:

there is clearly a difference between the experience of a child who is treated by others in way that are characteristic of boys and also feels like a boy, and a child who is treated by others in ways that are characteristic of boys whilst feeling that they are really a girl. (Finlayson et al., 2018)

-And are you sure? are you really sure? I feel like there might be differences between social conditioning, experience and feelings. A boy treated like a boy and a boy(who feels like a girl) treated like a boy are still experiencing being treated and raised like a boy?? one just has emotional differences (is it internalized homophobia, Gender non conformity, a developed fetish?? who knows but they still experienced boyhood)-

-Next section says we cant make single stall or any other kind of netrual or trans bathrooms because its to hard? and it hurts trans feels reminding them that they have birth sexes because thats hate speech???-

also this: Our social world is arranged in a way that makes exclusion from the sex/gender they claim—on the basis of a lack of “authentic” belonging (Serano, 2007)—central to trans subordination. As with other forms of social subordination, trans exclusion has not only material dimensions (Blair & Hoskin, 2018; Hargie et al., 2017; Moolchaem et al., 2015; Movement Advancement Project and GLSEN, 2017; Rondón Garcia & Martin Romero, 2016; Serano, 2013; Stonewall, n.d.; Yona, 2015), but also discursive ones that work in accordance with the logic of so-called performatives. Performatives are utterances that do things with words: specifically, they accomplish something in the act of saying it (Austin, 1975). The classical example is marriage—in the act of declaring a couple married, a celebrant brings about a change in their normative status, provided the celebrant is the right person in the right circumstances. This presupposes a normative background (that is a set of laws, conventions, or other rules) governing all those matters: who qualifies as a legitimate celebrant, what the right circumstances are for the performative to do its work, what marriage status means in terms of spouses’ rights and obligations, etc.

-Celebrating a Marriage is celebrating a couples chosen form of representing their relationship publicly and adding each other to their legal family, how is that the same as letting men into woman's bathrooms because they have feelings??-

-Theres more babblery about subjugating trans people by not pretending biology is fake, and that saying they cant just taking womans rights and spaces is denying their reality and existence we find out the author is a gay(cis) man so why does he have opinions on womans spaces and issues who fucking knows ( he really likes the word unintelligible)-

-Im tired, Ive taken several breaks just to stay clear headed( mildly sane) and now we are onto why Trans inclusive practices dont threaten the concept of female, male, lesbian and gay. Okay buddy ole pal bring it on-

Stock (2018b) has also argued that trans inclusion on the ground of self-identification/declaration threatens “a secure understanding” of concepts intimately related to “woman”—namely, “female” and “lesbian.” It is hard to see this threat as a real one. After all, conceptually, “trans maleness” and “trans femaleness” presuppose “cis maleness” and “cis femaleness” as their other—namely, the case of female and male for which no transition, no reaching across, is required: the case of femaleness and maleness already on this side of (= “cis”) their sex.

-At some point i expect to find out Stock implied his dick is tiny or something " gender crit feminists are wrong im gonna argue with just this one" In this section he manages to be long winded and say nothing have a taste:

Stock (2019b) argues, correctly, that “sex [i.e., maleness and femaleness] is not determined by any single, unitary set of essential criteria,” and that “there is no single set of features a person must have in order to count as male or female.” She goes on to state that: (a) “you do still need to possess some” female (biological) sex characteristics to count as female; (b) that this is “a real, material condition upon sex-category-membership”; and (c) that “medical professionals [assigning sex]. . . rely upon an established methodology, aimed at capturing pre-existing biological facts” (Stock 2019b). Stock presents (a), (b), and (c) as if they were true without qualification. In fact, they only describe how, for very legitimate reasons, sex is understood and assigned within the discourses of biology and medicine; but our everyday usages of “male” and “female” may well be more capacious. It does not follow, of course, that there is no connection at all between these discursive domains—biology and the everyday. Rather, something like the biological meaning of “male” and “female” refer to the central cases of “male” and “female” as those terms feature in everyday usages. But those usages, if trans-inclusive (as they should be), will also cover, legitimately and usefully, noncentral cases of those selfsame terms.

-Yes you need to be female to be female, it doesnt matter what you look like how much you weigh your hobbies or tastes you just need to be female. Observed Biology is observed not assigned we dont pop out blank slates until someone says "ya this ones a girl"-

There really is no good reason to fear that such trans-inclusive practices will imperil “maleness” and “femaleness” as concepts. It is the very fact that those concepts have and will retain central cases that puts to rest any such fear. What makes something like the biological meanings of “male” and “female” the central cases of everyday usages of those words is “[o]rdinary-life truth seeking, a certain level of which is essential for survival”; this “involves a swift instinctive testing of innumerable kinds of coherence against innumerable kinds of extra-linguistic data” (Murdoch, 1992). Reproduction is a key aspect of human experience: The existence of each of us and the perpetuation of the human species presuppose it. The extra-linguistic reality of the dioecious configuration of human bodies, which is functional to human reproduction, means both that the concept of “female” and “male” are here to stay, and that their central cases will remain well-understood, even after we give up on trans-exclusionary attitudes, practices, and policies. To put it another way: trans-inclusive linguistic usages, policies, and so on, cannot threaten the distinction between the concepts of “male” and “female,” which hinges on the nondisposability of the central cases of those concepts.

For similar reasons, it is difficult to agree with Stock that characterizing as “gay” trans men attracted to men, and as “lesbian” trans women attracted to women, “leaves us with no linguistic resources to talk about that form of sexual orientation that continues to arouse the distinctive kind of bigotry known as homophobia” (Stock, 2019d). After all, our linguistic conventions make cissexual womanhood and manhood the central or paradigmatic cases of “womanhood” and “manhood”; cissexual (though not necessarily gender-conforming) lesbianism and male homosexuality the central or paradigmatic cases of “lesbianism” and “male homosexuality,” and so on. This will not change. First because of the prevalence of cissexual women/men and cissexual lesbians/gay men, in terms of sheer numbers, relative to trans women/men and trans lesbians/gay men. Second, because of the ways in which the concepts of “man,” “woman,” “gay,” “lesbian,” “cis,” and “trans” sit together with the concepts of “male” and “female,” which reference an extra-linguistic reality, of which, as we have already seen, we cannot but take notice. Given these linguistic and empirical facts, a trans-inclusive use of the terms “lesbian” and “gay” does not carry the dangers Stock (2019d) worries about.

-I keep going back and checking the date this was published in 2020 clearly this man has neither been online except to stalk Stock, nor talked to a human who actually believes what he is arguing against. No one is mad at transwoman for liking woman or vise versa its the kind of woman and men they go after and EXPECT romance and validation from ( ie lesbians and gay men, ie threatening what lesbian and gay mean in "inclusive" climates) fucking knob.-

I dunno if this is translated or the writer isnt english but he keeps using subordination where "opression" would be used and umm. anyway onto "Overemphasizing Sex-Based Subordination"

first he explains the difference between paranoid and paranoid structuralism there is so much fucking bullshit then we get to some quotes! that are bullshit-

Even assuming that the socialization of trans girls mirrors that of cis boys, the fact that trans girls do not identify with maleness can be expected to make a difference to the outcomes of such socialization (Finlayson et al., 2018).

-this guys back, love this guy doesnt know you dont fucking socialize yourself-

It is a mistake to treat “violence and discrimination against trans women . . . as if it were unconnected to that faced by cis women” (Finlayson et al., 2018).

-Finlayson marry me your so smart, that big brain of yours is sooo sexy. Anyway transwoman and "cis" woman face violence from the same people.. Men. but it is not for the same reasons and most transwoman who face violence are brown and black sex workers( if your gonna care go wholesys not halfseys). As opposed to woman who face violence no matter their class, race, nationality, age.. etc etc etc-

Saying “Not giving people everything they desire is not a denial of their humanity” (Allen et al., 2019) amounts to an insensitive dismissal of the serious argument that trans exclusion is ipso facto harmful.

-I want an affordable home and access to food and water whenever i am hungry, you want me to pretend reality doesnt exist so your feefees dont get hurt-

The claim that women “are a culturally subordinated group . . . [while] at best, trans women are a distinct subordinated group; at worst . . . members of the dominant group” entirely discounts the ways in which sex, gender, and cis/trans status intersect. These intersections produce more complex, shifting, and context-dependent power relationships than are captured by the M > F formula.

-Sex based oppression is actually like jello, sometimes woman are less oppressed or oppressed slightly more to the left, I too can just kinda say words-

A dubious assumption underlies this statement: “[T]he fact that our concept-application [of, e.g., ‘woman’] might indirectly convey disadvantage towards some social groups [e.g., trans women] is not itself a reason to criticise the concept use, because the concept use has a further valuable point” (such as “to pick out a distinctive group, relative to recognisably important interests”) (Stock, 2019e). The dubious assumption here is that the “valuable point” of a restrictive use of the concept will be lost if the concept is broadened. The assumption is dubious because even in its broad, inclusive use, the concept retains a readily identifiable central case.

-Yes you dunder head if we start calling lizards mammals we lose the point of what makes a mammal a mammal, which complicates and endangers our way of researching and understanding mammals by making woman "whoever the fucks wants to be one" we loss the ability to easily talk about things that are exclusive to woman the more female language is edified the harder it is for females to unite to talk about womans issues, womans health, girls puberty, womans oppression etc etc.-

-my fuck i dont even care to learn this mans name and i have a personal hatred just for him, i hope ya'll have noticed he uses several different "sources" for his arguments and yet pins GC feminism on Stock alone. Anyway here we go into Doing Philosophy and Debating Policy in the Age of Social Media and Digital Platforms ( i think this man nuts every time he types out philosophy)-

my god we have brough Plato into this, Stocks must stand alone but we are at fucking plato, anyway this section actually has some brains in it there drivel but also truth:

Needless to say, in real-world face-to-face exchanges, unalloyed communicative action is known only by approximation. But there are very good reasons to think that the distance between the ideal (namely, communicative action) and the real is especially wide in the context of the quasi-spoken digital media used to construct (and respond to) the gender-critical case against trans inclusion. Stock (2019f) herself, discussing the reception of her arguments, has complained about countless “half-arsed takedown attempts” by “online philosophers,” crediting, conversely, philosophers she meets offline with “interesting, constructive, and charitable” objections. She also notes that social media siphons “users into paranoid, angry silos” (Stock, 2019d), and that “when reading disembodied words on a screen” it is “easy enough” to engage in “projection” (Stock, 2019a). Why and how do social media and allied platforms have this potential for distorting genuine communicative action?

First, they enable new manipulative communication practices, such as flaming and trolling. The popular support base of gender-critical academics makes ample use of these, though gender-critical scholars are also at the receiving end. Rather than using the quasi-spoken features of social media and allied platforms with a view to genuinely advancing understanding, online activists may exploit these features for strategic aims. Common techniques include drowning a post or blog with irrelevant comments; exposing the blogger to ridicule; deflecting attention from the point she made; forcing her to address spurious objections; pretextually professing a failure to understand, demanding endless further explanations; and so on. Some of these techniques are available in spoken exchanges, but social media and allied platforms magnify their power by enabling “widely-distributed individuals to organize and galvanize around issues of common interest [or] political advocacy” (Stewart, 2016); and by facilitating the use of nonverbal or nonargument-based, but effective, communicative devices, such as memes, gifs, and emoticons.

Another way in which these digital media distort genuine communicative action is by affecting the motivations of the blogger, or micro-blogger, herself. Specifically, they facilitate the interference with genuinely communicative goals (reaching understanding) by noncommunicative, strategic aims. I will discuss three: acquiring influence, career progression, and venting.

In traditional academic communicative practice, one’s recognition as an expert is supposed to follow from the credit that accrues to one as a result of the soundness of one’s research methods and arguments, judged through peer-review processes. But “in the era of social media there are now many different ways that a scientist can build their public profile; the publication of high-quality scientific papers being just one” (Hall, 2014). Veletsianos and Kimmons (2016) have found, by examining a large data set of education scholars’ participation on Twitter, that

being widely followed on social media is impacted by many factors that may have little to do with the quality of scholarly work . . . and . . . that participation and popularity may be impacted by a number of additional factors unrelated to scholarly merit (e.g., wit, controversy, longevity; p. 6).

-This section like every section goes on forever but we finally finally reach our conclusion-

Cooper (2019) has invoked a legal pluralist perspective to argue that it is possible, and may be desirable, for gender as conceived by gender-critical feminists (as “sex-based domination”) and gender as conceived in trans-affirming terms (as “identity diversity”) to coexist side-by-side in the law. Access to women’s spaces is just the kind of policy matter that need not choose between one conception of gender and the other: it can and should be granted on the basis of both. While a compelling feminist case has been made for inclusion (Finlayson et al., 2018), the best feminist case against inclusion suffers from a number of argumentative fallacies (Aristotle, n.d.), and is at odds with well-established and sound uses of practical reason. Many problems in gender-critical thought are consistent with the explanation that paranoid structuralism is too often presupposed in gender-critical work, rather than being treated, productively, as a hypothesis. The nature of the publication outlets favored by gender-critical feminists (social media, blogs, etc.) is also likely to be implicated in generating some of these problems.

I think one of the things i would like anyone who managed to read this entire thing to take away from this is that not ONCE were male bathrooms or male spaces mentioned, not once did this apparently "cis" gay man say that he welcomes and wants transmen in HIS spaces or that he has even thought about it

(((( also he didnt even mention neo genders so my original question 100% unanswered, even fuckface magee doesnt think demiboys are real. He doesnt want to or even mention solving sex based oppression he just wants woman to stop fighting to keep men out))))

#gender critical #gender critical feminism #GC #radfem #terf friendly #anyone with a strong brain try to read the original piece its contras brother i swear to fucking god #id say radfem friendly but he doesnt touch womans issues he doesnt care #trans exclusive

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howlofwinter · 3 years

Text

Why I left the band

1) Issues with IRL meetups and schedule. This was before lockdown mind you throughout 2019. X basically couldn't reliably leave his house for practise, nor guarantee gigs even in our town. We turned down a gig that was in the next town which at the time me and Y hated. Meanwhile Y was technically living in a different city (something he did without consulting us) and while he was in town for three days a week he wasn’t a “free agent” who could do sessions whenever. He could normally only do one evening session. It just seemed very impractical to be a band that couldn’t meet to write, rehearse etc. At the same time X and Y were both adamant that it was totally fine and it still could work. While I felt there was a big disconnect between what they said that wanted to be as a band and their actual ability to meetup. Our last gig I had to basically beg for more rehearsal time because I’d barely played through the song with the band all the way through with all my parts written. There was also this idea that we could be “an internet band” where meeting was more of an additional activity, rather than a primary way of exchanging ideas. I really hated this idea. I can see it working for some, especially electronic acts etc. But we weren’t good at working in our own time and this was something before 2019 that we had highlighted a lot. Additionally my mac was pretty slow and we’d all need the same plugins for it work smoothly and I was confident that my mac wouldn’t keep up. Much of making music together is being in the room and exchanging ideas on the fly. Trying things again but in different ways. Change the chord scheme, change the dynamics, change the bassline etc. This new method only allows us to use recorded ideas. I was very close to leaving in 2019 because of this schedule issue. I even wrote an angsty email to our acting manager about it. They just didn’t seem to want to be in it anymore in terms of dedicating time. 2) It became too metal. And creative differences. I wrote about 10 tracks that just was never used. At a certain point when your input is rebuffed and denied - it stops feeling like a band you are equally a part of. X and Y wrote songs that we didn’t work on too, and so this wasn’t unique, but I felt like I didn't have anything to offer that they were really interested in. Even stuff I was proud of and very happy with, they didn't want to appropriate it or rework it etc. While some of the finished tracks weren’t really my style to begin with I still wanted to work on other people’s ideas. I felt like this wasn’t returned to me. It was less about them rejecting a certain amount of my ideas, and more that I felt like I wasn’t really of use to the creative process. Why would I want to stay in a band where my output isn’t valued. 3) Intrusive thoughts. I found it difficult hearing about Y’s girlfriend (Z) all the time and I was having intrusive thoughts related to that whole saga. We would be in session talking about this and that and my brain would be elsewhere. I had desires to lash out verbally at Y all the time and answer questions sarcastically turning unrelated questions back on to Y about the Z saga. So yeah this really tipped the scales from being unsure about whether it was the right band - to knowing that it wasn’t for me anymore. I told X about this and how I didn’t want to do this anymore and he basically encouraged me to quit now rather than later as it would be easier for them. And so that was that - I left. I still feel awkward with Y now, and I feel like our friendship was strained too far because of what he did. Time and distance seemed like the only thing that would repair things. I’d already given it a year and things weren’t getting better so I don’t regret leaving when I did. 4) Those are the primary reasons. Here are some additional things that were bothersome but weren’t direct reasons I left - more observations/concerns. I just want to write them to get them out of my system. i - Money. I didn’t have money to actually invest in studio time. While X was very kind to offer to pay it for me, it would probably cause issues later down the line. Studio time is vital, as is money to tour. I didn’t have that money so I didn’t see how I could stay. ii - Ability. We started writing a couple of tracks that I couldn’t play, and much like my other band that I left, rather than simplifying it - I was just expected to get better. I learnt one of them but the other one I never got. iii - Fashion. We had lots of discussions where X would try and show things he wanted me to wear on stage. I felt like I was being told to pretend to be someone I’m not and I really didn’t like the ideas and style he was interested in. Skinny jeans and black tshirts. I felt like it was quite generic and boring. Our acting manager gave other ideas like “be aggressive, bold, memorable” which I could understand a lot more. Regardless there were lots of gigs we did where I didn’t like what other members wore. I think we had clear differences in what stage wear is and what the aesthetic we wanted to have. iv - No replacement member. We never replaced our original guitarist. We didn’t really want to in a creative sense, but it limited what we could actually perform. Compositions needed to work within 4 tracks (guitar/drums/bass/vocals) or they were essentially a waste of time. When we did want to find a replacement it proved too difficult. We had three suitable candidates and none could sing. v - Direction. When we identified our scheduling issues in 2019, my idea was to take gigging off the table and to simply write an album of ideas that we were happy with. However once we finished working on our two new ideas, immediately there was desire to record it. X argued that it would avoid us fading into obscurity. And while I saw the logic behind it, if we knew we couldn’t gig, why were we investing into a product that couldn’t be sold. Spotify is great, but it doesn’t actually pay anything (at least in our case). This was a huge investment and I wasn’t that hot on the songs in question so I had two strong motives to disagree. But to make matters worst I really disliked the sound of the producer we decided to get into contact with - but I had no alternative option. When I heard a work in progress bounce of the song they’d worked on with the producer - I felt like it was so removed from the band I once was in, despite working on said song only a few months ago. This was positive to me because it showed that leaving was the right thing to do and that even if I had stayed that I wouldn’t be happy with our newest song/product/investment. vi - Gigs with bad pay. I will make a separate post about this because it really was infuriating. Selling out a gig as the headliners, and making £60 just felt like a robbery. Most venues took either ALL the money from tickets and drinks, or they gave you £1 or £2 per ticket while keeping the remainder. If you bring 60 people to a gig, and they all buy 3 drinks, you’ve made that venue (roughly) £900 on drinks. Assuming they make £5 per ticket thats another £300 (£1200 total). Of course that's not direct profit and I don’t claim to understand the finances of venues. But when you’re the reason that people left their home to come to the venue - why do we get £60 for 60 tickets and you get £1200. And that was a best case scenario. Most venues didn’t pay us anything. Some would offer us fuel money at most. But what could we do. We needed to perform and none of us knew how to negotiate better deals. But it did feel awful to do everything right and to put on a good show for a bunch of people and have nothing to show for it. vii - Y’s poor communication and poor planning. This was something that we did address from time to time but still was annoying. There were a couple of times where he left the country entirely and only told us about it once he’d left. One event that made me quite angry was when we spent a few hundred pounds on a video which required us to perform to a metronome. We knew this before we booked it. Our acting manager additionally reminded us. The video editor told us about it. On the day he didn’t use it because he thought it was more important to have an MP3 play off his phone for our intro - than use a metronome for the video. Yet he never thought of mentioning this to us and we didn’t know until the video editor told us. The video isn’t great, and I attribute that entirely to the lack of metronome. I wouldn’t care that much if it was a free video, but it cost us a lot of money and it was essentially a huge waste of both the money and the opportunity. There was also just the way we’d start a session, get things rolling and he’d suddenly go and cook dinner. Sometimes this was only 10 minutes and it wasn’t a big deal. Other times he would cook stuff from scratch. When he had Z round he would spend time speaking to her every time we walked past the room. It wasn’t uncommon for our sessions to have 30 minutes cut out of them where he was eating. I have no problem with having a break but at moments it felt like he was wasting my time and it wasn’t something he was committed to. Another thing is while Y is a fantastic musician, it was very obvious when he hadn’t been practising at all because his tempos would be incredibly sloppy. There was only so many times I could bring this up without being rude so at some point I just stopped. viii - No photographer. We asked so many different people to take photos of us. We even payed one of them. They almost never came out good. This made our achievements go largely undocumented. To me it was always really clear that our image of being a band is more important than actually doing the ground work - but again we never fixed the issue. There are little to no images of us even playing in our home town. As far as our facebook page is concerned we hardly did any gigs ix - Time required per song. It became very obvious from an early point that we were slow at writing songs. We were together for about 5 years or so, and in that time we gigged maybe 12 songs. Before almost every gig we’d talk about how it was ridiculous and how we should write more and stop being fussy. But actually putting that into practise never happened and it became increasingly obvious that our creative process was hurting our own momentum. While I think we were all happy with the work we did together, you can only do the same gig so many times. This was made even worse by point 2. There was plenty of ideas to work on. But instead people would write new ideas, that were very often deemed unfitting for us as a group. So on one hand we have a large amount of raw creative output and potential songs, but on the other hand we have very few finished ideas or even ideas deemed worthy to complete and as time went on this was a theme of the band. In reflection I just wish people worked on other people’s ideas more rather than writing it off without even trying to rearrange it. x- Style and writing method change. I did mention this with the second point but just to go into more detail. The project started as a progressive rock act. Our goal was to write interesting rock music with meaningful lyrics. We would work on songs by improvising entirely, or working on chord schemes and ideas would slowly evolve over time. We would add our own parts/layers individually and it was very fluid with sections being added and tweaked over time. But conversely this meant songs were somewhat up in the air for a while and it was hard to judge the merits of a project - meaning time could be invested into a project for no pay out. At a certain point X decided that it would be better if we brought more finished ideas to sessions and then allowed the band to appropriate them and I agreed. But in hindsight I think it was stupid to commit to this being the only viable way. While it was easy for people to play along to other people’s ideas and make a song in the process, it was slightly different when the bulk of song is done and you are required to learn their parts. or re work their parts, or rework their song. X would bring songs in their entirety and I guess it was often hard to see them as something I wanted to invest time into adapting to our own tastes. Even on the ideas that made it - usually sections got boycotted and new ones had to be created. So the writing process moved out of the rehearsal room where we each commit our own parts - into DAWs and people coming up with their own songs - only for us to delete most of that song and write new parts and sections. So did it save time? I doubt it. While there were tracks where this method worked out well, I know our former member felt like they couldn’t contribute with this writing style and I suppose I agree somewhat. The entire point of being in a band is to collaborate. I hate to think about how much time was spent collectively - working on entire songs on our own, just for the rest of the band to veto the project. In terms of batting averages, Im certain that even X had more projects that were discarded by the band than they were used. An interesting question is would these ideas have been veto’d if they were brought to the band without being “finished” by solo members. On a similar note to this is X’s prevalence in creative control. Generally I enjoyed working with X and I have no hard feelings towards him. But something that our departed member mentioned (W for now) is that the the longer X was in the band the more more control X had, the more control X had the more things turned away from making prog rock, and more into metal. And thus, W and to a certain extend myself felt alienated and that our ideas weren’t fitting with the bands image. But really it was X’s image of the band that we weren’t fitting. While we were happy to go along with his ideas, he often didn’t return the favour. To some degree I think everyone should be able to say that they don’t like a song, and to be able to veto an idea if they really don’t like it or see its merits. But by the end of my time in the band we had so many veto’d ideas that it was ridiculous Something Y suggested was that we stop veto’ing ideas on work on songs we don’t really like that much so that we have content. To diversify the band’s style. But again X didn’t want to actually do this. I think ultimately X wanted something different out of the band than I did (and that W did). While I don’t mind doing some more metal esque songs, there has to be balance. And overall there really wasn’t. Now that I’m outside of the band, I can see that very clearly. Looking in iTunes I have the bounces where I spent time working on my own ideas that weren’t used. There was about four ideas that I worked on with Y that we liked and we wanted to use but ultimately they were shelved because they weren’t metal. And what makes this even more frustrating is that we even cited that we needed more variety in our songs in terms of mood and atmosphere. That a good set can’t all be aggressive. That actually downtime, and calmer tracks would make the more aggressive tracks stand out and be more effective. But this was never achieved. Unfortunately I do think X is largely to blame for that. If I give you a song and you don’t like that song, how can I change that song so that you do like it. Really that work has to come from you.

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Benwood West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 26031

"Benwood West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 26031

Benwood West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 26031

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General car insurance question(s)?

Which will cost more in car insurance, generally: a passenger sedan (maybe a 1999 Honda Civic) or a pickup truck (1995 Chevrolet Silverado 1500, perhaps)? Also, if I have two trucks, both exactly the same, only, one has 2-wheel drive and one has 4-wheel drive, which will cost more in insurance? If one will infact cost more, will the difference be significant enough to matter? I live in Colorado. 4-wheel drive is desirable with the snow and ice, but if it will cost significantly more in insurance, I can't justify it.""

Where can I find affordable health insurance?

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I recieved my first moving violation (speeding ticket) and would like to know the cost/percentage/etc of a potential increase (if any) to my insurance. I am reluctant to call my State Farm agent for fear that they'll pull the record now and re-do my rates instead of towards the end of 6 months when I am up for renewal. Any takers?

What insurance company should i use as a 17 year old male?

I am looking for the cheapest insurance firstly as with a provisional license holder and then with a full uk license, the car is a 2001 Vauxhall Corsa (Y reg) and has alloy wheels. Also if its better to be a named driver with one of my parents as the owner. Thanks""

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Where can I get the most affordable/cheapest sr-22 insurance at?

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Best car for a broke teen driver?

I'm 14, so I wont be getting the car for another year or so. I'd be paying for it myself, so I'd like it cheap, with good mileage and cheap insurance. I'd also like it ...show more""

""Health Insurance questions, help?

I just got a job as a firefighter in my local town in Mass. Im only 21 y/o and still on my mothers insurance Do you recommend I stay with her's or pursue my own? She is an LPN so her benefits are ok but nothing amazing....blue cross Advice? PRices of FF health insurance? Thanks!

How much does car insurance approximately cost for teenagers?

I'm 17. Gonna drive a 2012 Hyundai Accent Female 3.0-3.5 GPA I've had my license for about 3 months already.. and my dad still hasn't gotten me car insurance (which frustrates me considering i have my license and he won't let me drive anywhere without any insurance). He won't tell me how much it is monthly. So i'm wondering how much it'd approx. cost for me monthly?

Insurance on a Blackjack?

One drunk night I managed to crack the screen on my (orginial) Blackjack. I bought it in June of last year and its on a 2 year contract, but i do have insurance on it. What does insurance do? Fix the crack on the phone i have? Send me another blackjack? Can i get a different phone? I dont want another blackjack when theres a blackjack 2....anything you know will help.""

What is the best insurance company for a 21yr old with a bad driving record?

car insurance for nj drivers

Where can I find the cheapest car Insurance in NJ?

I trying to find insurance that is not not less expensive does someone know where I can go to get this?

Benwood West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 26031

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/arkansas-insurance-agency-carl-richardson/"

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classycollectorartisanposts-blog · 6 years

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What insurance should i get....?

"What insurance should i get....?

I need to find the best insurance that is gonna be the cheapest. i checked qoutes on progressive and i got a qoute for like 500-600 dollars a month which i feel is too much! what insurance would you reccommend for young drivers? Ive had my liscense for a year and a half and have two points on it

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://financeandcreditsolution.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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How much would it cost to give birth without insurance?

Like regularly and with the C-Section?

""Just found out I'm pregnant, I need health insurance but...?

What are the best plans for me (Im 23 and live in CA) I want to save as much as I can. I've looked at Kaiser Permanente and Anthem Blue Cross but Im lost.

How much is insurance for an 18 year old male?

I turn 18 on the 24th and my aunt and uncle are giving me their mustang. Its a 2000 ford mustang.. Anyways, they are actually putting it in my name. But before i lived with them, i was paying only liability and that was 200 a month. Does anyone know how much full coverage would be? Just wondering so I can know what to expect on car insurance cost.""

""Can you recommend a good,cheap insurance for a 17 year old??

I don't want to be on my mom's because mine will be higher than normal because hers is already really high.I'd rather just have my own insurance.Thanks in advance!!

Motorcycle insurance for a 17 year old in california?

hey im 17 years old, and got the money together for my first bike. i went down to the dealership and was about to buy the bike when i found out insurance cost like 4k for full coverage. i want full coverage but dont wanna pay through the nose for it. i have not owned a bike before and i really want one, but im not sure if i can aford to. so my question is does anyone know what i should do to resolve my problem? preferably recomendations of good insurance comannys. thanks so much""

What insurance should i get....?

Does anyone knows of a good Health Insurance in Florida?

HMO, PPO or whatever... I need to know asap. The work insurance is horrible!""

30 day insurance policy for newborns?

I am a teen mom and since the baby can't be covered under my parents insurance we are planning to do a legal guardianship, however you cannot get guardianship of an unborn child so we are doing it after he is born. But I was wondering if right after he is born if the hospital bills will be under my parents insurance because I have heard there is a 30 day period in which you need to get the baby's insurance arranged. So during the 30 days would the baby's hospital stay and everything be covered while we get the insurance arranged? Thank you!""

I'm 19 and need the cheapest insurance?

I'm 19 just got my license and need the cheapest insurance.I don't need collision just liability insurance as my car isn't worth 5k. So seriously bare bone cheapest ever,I have a flawless driving record,I'm 19,and am trying to insure a 92' Buick Lesabre Thanks""

How much will my car insurance go up by?

I have a mazda mx5 and it has been scratched all over very deep. I have asked my insurance to claim it and will have to pay my excess, which is fine. I have been told that my insurance will go up a little bit when it is renewed in aug but they say the cant figure out how much it is now to tell me. I am wanting to know just in case they really put it up and its not worth claiminmg through them. Has anyone done this and what amount do you think i am looking at to go up a month. Thanks""

How long after someone dies to get life insurance benefits?

my grandmother died about 2 weeks ago and i was wondering when her life insurance policy would go through so we can receive the money from it to manage her estate, we heard that probate takes about 16 months, but we cant wait that long for the insurance so how long does it usually take?""

Liable for any outstanding premium? car insurance cancellation?

Car insurance cancellation - If you cancel your insurance more than 14 days after purchasing your policy, you will, depending on when you bought your policy, be entitled to a refund of your premium subject to the scale detailed in the policy booklet. We will also charge a 45 cancellation fee plus Insurance Premium Tax at the rate applicable at that time. A refund will not be given if you have had any claims during the relevant policy period. If you are paying by instalments, you will be liable for any outstanding premium I pay for my insurance in installments of 130 a month, i want to cancel my policy 4 months in. Do i have to pay the rest of the 1,600 for the year or just the cancellation fee of 45?""

""Hi, Maintenance cost for 2001, BMW 318 sei series?""

hi, I am thinking of buying my frist car, and i was thinking of a second hand year 2001 BMW, about 80000 miles, just wanted to know whats the servicing and maintenance cost for a BMW is like? Is it expensive ? does it break down often or is it a solid car? Otherwise i might look for a japanese model or a hyundai coupe. I was thinking of peugeot 206 as well and VW golf. hows the insurance for all of these car? Which car is better for a fresh graduate like me?""

How much will it cost to up my car insurance to use car for work?

How long will my accident affect my insurance premiums?

I just filed a claim with my insurance company, in California. If they find me to be at fault, then how long will my insurance cost more? Is there a certain time that it won't be on my record, or count anymore?""

Car insurance for 21 yr single female scion fr-s/ subaru brz?

Does anyone know from personal experience about how much insurance for this car would cost? good student driver discount on parent's policy accident free.

How to get a cheap car insurance for young driver?

What kind of car insurance do i need?

hello there,i'm a plumber,i have 7 year no cliam on my vans insurance,till now coz i was goin every where with my van i didn't needed a car,now with new baby we won't be able to go every where with my van so i had to buy a new car,because i won't have any no claim on my car the insurance is sky high....i'm sure i'm missing something in here,i can't drive my van and my car at the same time so why i can't use my no claim on my car too,surely i'm the driver didn't have the accident on these7 years not the cars so why my insurance got to be so high....any idea what can i do about it? thank you so much for your time...take care and all the best""

Car insurance for total loss?

I got a car accident due to bad weather and got a total loss. No one is involved in the accident. I`ve got a full coverage insurance at that time. The insurance company is cancelled a contract with me after a claim (accident) I issued, which I found it through insurance agency. The insurance company said that they did not know the previous accident record on my driver license. Then they cancelled the contract. Can I possibly claim a complain with my insurance company? I terribly need any car since I use a car for my job. The insurance company said they will not give me any money either a car. What should I do? Thank you""

Can i get cheep insurance after being convicted of a 23140 in the California vehicle code?

I got pulled over more then a year ago and had a few beers with my best friend before he left for the armed services. I have the worlds brightest car and this probably wasn't the best idea. This happened 2 months before my 21st bday. My term to not have a licence is almost up and I am scared what my insurance is gonna look like. Does anyone know a way i can get cheep insurance or clear my driving record? Its only a infraction but will seriously mess up my life for the next 10 years. Any advice about programs insurance company s might have to lower costs so i can afford it when this period is up?

I need to know where i stand with insurance?

basically a guy drove into the side of me and my car is in the garage awaiting assessment to see if its to be written off or fixed. of course the insurance wants whatever is cheapest and its looking like it would be cheaper to write it off. if this happens can i 1. offer to pay more on my excess to get it fixed? 2. get the car picked up and pay for it all myself to get fixed at my own mechanics? its not that the car isn't fixable its just that the insurance is looking at the cheapest option, which looks like writing it off, because my excess is so high, but if they do this i will never be able to afford the insurance, so would rather keep this policy and fix it, anyway is this possible and can anyone find a loophole?""

Does Bupa insurance cover child birth in USA?

Does Bupa insurance cover child birth in USA? and what is the steps for that?

How much will i pay for health insurance?

im a 46 year old man

Car insurance for young drivers ?

Hi there, ive completed multiple quotes for car insurance and the figure are coming out extremley high, as in 5000 a year on a 1.1 litre 2000 peugeot 206 LX 3dr, and i am a 17 year old male. i would like the policy to be in my name for my NCB but i have also added my mum and dad as named drivers as ive heard that decreases price, does naybody know any cheap car insurance places which icould go to for a cheaper quote. 5000 for a 1.1 litre peugoet is ridiculous !! Thanks""

I have a question about insurance..who is the most well known insurance in canada...and give a great benifit?

i have a question about insurance..who is the most well known insurance in canada...and give a great benifit?

State Farm Life Insurance... 30 year term? Whole Life? Select Term? Universal?

What insurance should I get? I'm in my late 20's and I'd like to make sure that if anything were to happen to me that my husband and son are left with enough to continue ...show more

What insurance will accept me?

Here is what happen. I was invited into this car insurance agency. I was with them for the last 5 years. I had 3 accidents in the last year. 1 first one was at an airport and the guy that hit me claimed full responsability 2nd a guy went through a red light and hit me and was charge with a dwi. The 3rd a chick clipped my car and no claims were paid because it was a he said she said. My car insurance now said that they were dropping me. I was tlaking to an agent and she was telling me it did not matter that 2 were not my fault because i was still in an accident. I was then telling her how I felt robbed and cheated by them. I then heard what sound like chewing in the back round. I said Are you eating She said what? I said are you eating She said um... maybe I said how rude, after 5 years of loyalty and you do this They dropped me. They said no one will want me. how can i get car insurance now?""

Cheap Dentist on Long Island NY?

Hey Im 22 and dont have dental insurance. Ive had a bad cavity for about 2 years and off and on gives a really intense pain. At times I go a few days without sleeping because as soon as I fall asleep Im woken up by the pain and have to run it under cold water. Im looking to have an extraction. Its the last tooth on the top right side and has a large hole in it so its not a full tooth. I dont have insurance and dont have the money to get insurance. I was kicked out and have a lot of bills and work as a waiter so I dont have a large income. Where on Long Island NY can I find a place to extract the tooth at a cheap price? Maybe a dental school or something. Any information would help. Oh and when it starts to hurt it usually bleeds(swelling gums into the sharp edge of the tooth) If your just going to say go to an emergency vet and make payment plans please dont post because Im already 3 grand in debt and dont want anymore. Thank in advance

What would have if you just stopped pay your car insurance?

What would have if you just stopped pay your car insurance? I am just curious.

How much is insurance for one day on a Rental Car?

I will be renting a car in April to pick up my fiance who will be arriving about 5 hours away, So I will be driving the car for 10 hours that day. I do not have insurance of my own so I will have to get some with the car that I rent.. about how much will it cost for the insurance? The car costs about 35$ for the day.. Thanks!""

How much would it cost to insure a ford puma?

how much would the insurance be on a ford puma for a 17 year old, driver whose just passed her test??""

What insurance should i get....?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-much-motorcycle-insurance-15-savoie-santa"

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