#but the percieved threat of misinterpretation

[crowties]

ANOTHER VELIONA ENTHUSIAST!! my thoughts on her is just "omg she's so blorbo" but I would adore hearing your thoughts on her!!!

just know that i love you and im sending you flowers philosophically - any veliona lover or even appreciator is moreee that welcome on this blog.

so Ohhh my god, where do i even start. im sure there are people who don't quite like her because on a surface level, she treads pretty close to yandere trope territory, BUT I DON'T CARE. she really is so much more than just someone who maims on whim, and as long as someone on this heavenforsaken planet acknowledges that, it's good enough for me.

so then ill start with her attitude and her philosophies/values, because that seems to be the most misinterpreted thing about her, and then we'll go from there! 

if you look at veliona a little more closely, you can see that she’s actually got a bit of a white knight shabam going on: a dimmer view of herself, along with the readiness to defend seele at basically any cost. most people stop there, coining her as something along the lines of an insecure defender. but take a little more time to break down her motives and you’ll be left with a clumsy and heavy sort of love. 

when veliona first gains consciousness back in cocolia’s orphanage, she has little to no idea who, or even what, she is. in the early stages of her and seele’s relationship, she is told she is a monster, which she easily accepts, given her inclination to violence (a great example is her witnessing bronya’s violent one-man rescue in the azure waters manga). 

but as seele gets to know and reflect on her and veliona’s situation, she has a change of heart, and gently (though slowly) accepts veliona as a part of her. this is the part where veliona struggles to grasp any form of understanding: there’s totally no way that this Crazy Mauling Bastard is a part of a Soft and Sweet little estonian child. right? it’s a whole new experience for her, to receive and accept concepts like unconditional love and patience. this is the first piece of the puzzle - for the first time in her life, someone introduces these positive qualities of life to her, and they introduce them both untaintedly and generously.

veliona, of course, first thinks of this as naive, but seele’s persistent kindness drives a bit of a peg in her supposedly solid disbelief in unwavering love. inevitably, veliona reciprocates - in her own little way. being the stronger of the two, veliona is known to substitute seele on the battlefield, where her performance is more than outstanding. we know that she’s solely fighting for seele, and not for the sake of fighting, because in every occasion she’s given the reins, veliona always returns them when the dust settles. she could easily refuse seele in giving back bodily control and continue fighting whatever there is to fight, but she’s amazingly cooperative instead. this signifies their mutual trust, and with it, veliona’s acceptance and reciprocation of seele’s affections. 

the theatre of domination arc would probably be my favourite arc if the soq one didnt exist because its just got soooo much veliona seele dynamic coverage... its so nicely written. this is part in the storyline when veliona starts to doubt her coexistence with seele, along with the tod puppets acting as a catalyst for her insecurities. but she’s not worried about being percieved as a monster - she’s worried that seele doesn’t need her anymore.

in her teaser, veliona doesnt seem especially bothered when the puppets call her a monster, only responding with an offhanded threat. however, when the puppets backtalk seele, veliona can be seen visibly angry, and physically retaliates. shes clearly more concerned about the well-being and honor of her counterpart than for herself, which i feel i have to reiterate as much as possible, because oh my god she is literally anything but self centered or narcissistic. literally how do people think that she is. anyways

in this arc, seele can be seen displaying examples of growing independence and competency (not that she wasn’t, she’s just doing it a lot better than before), which discourages veliona, because it introduces the possibility that she will be discarded. in all the previous chapters, veliona has always displayed her gratitude towards seele through combat, where she is able to do her host favours. with this new development, she would technically be not of use. however, through and at the end of the chapter, seele establishes that veliona is an irreplaceable and fundamental part of her. veliona accepts this and shares seele’s name, and despite the reassurance, she still promises to see to seele’s growth until her counterpart’s powers are fully fledged, or when she might not be needed anymore. she cares so much, and really does only wish seele the best in the world. 

and so, anything veliona does can be traced back to her mirroring and gratitude towards seele: just as seele loves her unconditionally, veliona loves unconditionally. i’ll always be a defender and enjoyer of clumsy and rough displays of love, and she’s no exception. she’s selfless and assertive and also in need of a little reassurance because for a PE herrscher stigmata AI, she is so awfully human. love her to the stars and back 

[warrioreowynofrohan]

i just read your entire blog from beginning to end. i kept on saying 'ive read enough time to do something productive,' but there was just so much good stuff :) the 'great divorce' analysis of feanor made me grin like a loon and i just never stopped. anyway. i was wondering about your thoughts on fingolfin, he's been my favorite silm character since i first muddled my way through the book ages ago but he gets very little online love and ive often wondered why

Wow! That’s extremely flattering, thank you very much!

My basic reaction to Fingolfin is the typical one of: EPIC. BADASS. The Duel of Fingolfin and Morgoth is one of my favourite passages in The Silmarillion. And there’s wonderful dramatic irony in Fingolfin being the one to fulfull his brother’s boast of Such hurt will I do to this Enemy of the Valar that even the mighty in the Ring of Doom shall wonder to hear of it. [Note to self: future post on Fëanor and his gift for misinterpreted foresight?] If Fëanor were a different kind of person, he’d be pleased by Fingolfin managing to hurt Morgoth, but given his deep resentment for his half-siblings (which could only have gotten stronger when he learned that Fingolfin had become king) it likely only increased his bitterness, as if this accomplishment were yet another thing Fingolfin had taken from him. In contrast, I think Tulkas and Oromë were very impressed, and among the first to congratulate Fingolfin when he returned to life.

Beyond that, Fingolfin strikes me as someone whose life has been very heavily characterized by duty and who has had to put aside his own feelings and desires. During the Return, he doesn’t want to leave Valinor; he ‘marches against his wisdom’, because he has promised to follow where Fëanor leads and because his people need steadier guidance than Fëanor can provide. He has been the de facto king of the Noldor for the last seven years, and that must give him a strong sense of responsibility to his people. He goes even though he’s leaving behind hus wife and, eventually, his younger brother; there’s no choice he can make that won’t involving losing some of his family, since his children are determined to go.

Why doesn’t he turn back after the burning of the ships? In part it’s because he doesn’t want to abandon his children, or to drag them back to face the judgement of the Valar (Fingon and Aredhel are both Kinslayers; given her impulsive, determined personality and her friendships with the Fëanorians I have no doubt that Aredhel fought on their part. I don’t think Fingolfin himself is a Kinslayer, as the Silmarillion never says he was and it would be a rather major omission.) In part it’s pride and rage. It’s one thing to turn back after the Doom, as Finarfin did, out of the knowledge that you’ve done wrong. It’s another thing to have been willing to do wrong, to have wanted to use the stolen ships, and to turn back only because you were denied the opportunity. There’s no morality or conscience in that, only pure humiliation. So he goes on.

And after he arrives in Middle-earth and Fingon rescues Maedhros, Fingolfin has to put aside his anger and the growing rift in his family and choose reconciliation. And he pursues it wholeheartedly, working to build cooperation not only between his followers and the Fëanorians, but between the Noldor and the Sindar (and neither the younger Fëanorians nor Thingol are making that eany easier!).

(Fingolfin knows what it feels like to have your parent choose between children; he had to experience has father responding to Fëanor’s death threats by choosing Fëanor over him. What does it cost him, I wonder, to have to choose between the wishes of his own sons; to have to tell Turgon, I know your wife is dead because of them, but we’re working with them anyway?)

I’ll conclude with some headcanons on Fingolfin in the Halls of Mandos. I think Fingolfin would be very slow to forgive Maedhros after the events of the First Age, if indeed he ever did. Precisely because he did sincerely forgive Maedhros after the rescue from Thangorodrim, and trusted him as they worked together over the later centuries, and had confidence that even after Fingolfin’s death Maedhros would continue to do what was best for Beleriand. The second and third kinslayings must have come as a horrific betrayal of that trust. (In addition to Maedhros getting Fingon killed! Maedhros, Fingolfin and Turgon are all strongly of the opinion that Maedhros is to blame for Fingon’s death; Fingon is equally vehemently of the contrary opinion.) And having give that trust before and found it to be so terribly misplaced, why would Fingolfin ever be inclined to offer it again?

(I have extensive opinions on which characters - family and otherwise - forgive Maedhros and Maglor, and when, and how; it’s a very complex and emotional process and makes up about 90% of my post-Silm headcanons.)

One more Halls headcanon, this one slightly less sad.

I think that after his death, Finwë doesn’t appear to or talk to most of his descendents in the Halls for a long time, largely out of embarassment over his parenting decisions and their consequences. (I’m getting this partly from The Leithian Script and partly from one of his lines after his death indicating that he thinks Indis wouldn’t really want to see him again, given how everything turned out.) He tries to talk to Fëanor, but Fëanor’s wrapped up in his own thoughts and not really percieving anything outside them.

But Finwë loves his grandchildren, and at some point in the Second Age he tries to talk to Aredhel. She’s having a very bad time of it and has been deeply unhappy ever since the Fall of Gondolin and the news of what her son became, and Finwë does know what it’s like to wonder how many of your childrens’ decisions are due to your parenting. So he tries to comfort her.

And Aredhel just explodes at him. AFTER A THOUSAND YEARS OF SILENCE, YOU’RE COMING AND TALKING TO ME? ME?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH MY FATHER HAS WANTED TO SEE YOU? HOW MUCH TIME HE’S SPENT LOOKING FOR YOU? YOU LEAVE ME ALONE AND GO TALK TO HIM RIGHT. FREAKING. NOW OR SO HELP ME -

Finwë is quite taken aback and stunned enough that he actually does go talk to Fingolfin, and Fingolfin is extremely happy to talk to his father and has some valuable perspective to offer on how, after everything he and his people have seen and done in Middle-earth, sub-par parenting decisions barely even register on the list of things a person could be ashamed of. After you’ve left the bodies of your people scattered across the Ice - after you’ve had to order men into battle - after you’ve had to turn away thralls escaped from Angband because you don’t know if they’re sleeper agents - your perspective on what constitutes a difficult decision starts to shift.

The outburst also does Aredhel good because it’s the first time since the Fall of Gondolin that she’s given any thought to the well-being of anyone other than herself or Maeglin, and is thus a major step forward in reaching outside her own unhappiness and starting to heal.

[kurulover]

I don't think there's any persistent issues in the show. There are some off color jokes in the first season but they listened to criticism and grew over time, and the current show is much kinder and more sensitive with queer characters around. Also i don't know much about the creators Twitter presence, but they have an official tumblr where they're always reblogging peoples fanworks and fandom posts, so it seems to me they really appreciate their fanbase

“I think the big misunderstanding that has people saying they're hostile to their fan base is apparently one of the creators saw a post about death of the author, and misinterpreted it as people saying he should die, so he did respond a bit passive aggressively. But imo people not being familiar with literary terms and responding in kind to a percieved threat is hardly the end of the world.”

Agreed with that case, that’s a mistake to make and be embarrassed about, but I’m also just a little curious to see how much they’ve grown and how open to future and different kinds of growth they are!! For queer rep and good queer is hardly the end-all be-all of podcasting - there’s a lot work to be done as far as good and sensitive rep for POC in the podcasting arena too, I dare say!!

But all that said I can’t say they sound terrible?? But they also don’t sound amazing.... which is honestly where most humans land?? My problem is I feel I can’t accurately judge without getting into the show but I’m trying to judge whether getting into the show is worth it so it’s kind of becoming an ouroboros of needing context and detail I won’t escape without buckling down and listening fully or writing it off entirely and washing my hands of its discourse as well.

[imagines4abrokenheart]

The Chase

@twobucksworld I hope this is more of what you wanted! I made sure to write more since I misinterpreted what you had originally wanted. This ~ means a POV switch, as I couldn't help but want to write in both the perspectives. The human male is a soldier stationed on a planet similar to earth and he wanders into a females territory. I hope you enjoy! CW: Fear, Blood, Percieved death, being chased, the wrestling move ‘Stinkface’.

The Yautja, though bipedal, was an expert on all fours. Should it need to run it just lowered its forepaws to the dirt and sprang away as fast as any wolf in the darkness. This was one of those times, accelerating on all fours toward a human foolish enough to be wandering by moonlight in her territory. She stops abruptly, her clawed foot scrapes over the jagged edge of a small cliff. With lungs full of this humid air her salty breath creates clouds of vortexes; while her head moves side to side to assess her territory. One would think she hasn't the brain for reason, but instead, simply a primal sense of rage twined with an indomitable will to survive. They wouldn’t be all wrong at least. Then she spots him, the rigged stature of the human male, a soldier of the Earth’s military with no weapon in sight- far to easy to be a real threat but an annoyance nonetheless. 

~

Through the darkness came the glow of two yellow eyes, like sallow lamplight eight feet off the boulder it stood on. They moved with a slight sway as if the unseen body prowled like a big cat. The soldier stopped. The eyes did not, with rapid acceleration and a more bounding motion they came right for him. A string of curses unraveled from his tongue, like yarn unfurling, as the creature advanced. Every step it took rattled his bones and struck his heart. He tried to dodge a swing from its massive claws, but it struck his side and he tumbled into the dirt. All he could do was feel. Feel the cold ground pressed against his form, the heat from the pain, and the rhythm of his heart like a drum crescendoing down to a languid thump. The things nascent roar fills the space between my ears and speaks straight to my own primal center. Despite the ambient temperature, my skin is icy, all blood diverted to core organs.

That's when the adrenaline hits such a fever pitch that “freeze” isn't going to cut it anymore. Apparently “flight” is the new order of the day, but not slowly like a conscious choice. My legs explode into violent motion. The kick against the dirt and my fingers with dull claws scrabbling for purchase into the soil before I swivel onto my stomach and launch myself forward. My brain, barely registering what just attacked us, belatedly relays all information on the beast that attacked and I stumble on the words echoing through my mind. A Yautja. ~ She relished in the way the male scampered, ever amused by the show of dominance humans tried to give off while they were nothing more then sucklings just learning to crawl. This human, however, seemed inexperienced in even that and she could feel the amused chuckle leave her mandibles as she watched him disappear. She had laid her first strike, like feline playing with her prey she stood straight, keen eyes watching in the darkness as he disappears with a limp. The prey would be allowed to run if only to give him that hope of safety- this was just a game to her. She was no hunter by want or need, females of her kind never needed to prove themselves like the males. She would then descend to all fours, before bounding off after him, her own pounding heart echoing the thrill of the chase. She wondered for a moment what it felt like to be hunted by something like herself but made a click deep in her throat- she realized she didn’t care how he felt. He was in her territory, she would teach him a lesson all Yautja learn at a young age- do not enter a female’s territory unless you wish death. ‘The chase is only sport for me but means everything to you. For me, taking your life is just a small part of a wider game. I know you have been told that victory is assured for your side, it is, of course, a lie to bring hope where there should be none. You are in a dark cave being granted the illusion of light, no more. There is no spark of hope, there is no rescue coming, it's just me and you little rabbit. So run, let your whitetail bob high as you scurry to save your own skin. You aren't a hero, you are nothing, less than a cold raindrop on a scorching desert. What you bring will evaporate into the sky leaving the landscape unchanged, barren and desolate, a playground for my delight alone.’

~

He hides, quaking and sweating with fear as the footfalls tapper off into soft little pats on the ground. In the tall grass, pressed against the base of a tree with nothing but his weeping side; he wished to be anywhere else. In boot camp, demoted from his rank, which was clearly wrongfully given, and yelled at for his incompetence. He had seen the signs, the skulls, he should have known- but he half expected the tells of Yautja to be just that, tells. To be fiction spread around like campfire horror stories to new recruits to scare them into not sneaking off. But the shifting of branches above him with the accents of clicking had his heart stuttering in his chest. 

He would not suffer himself to look up, perhaps if he denied the thing any acknowledgment it would kill him quickly. It doesn’t. It drops before him, all rippling muscle and extended claws. It wore no armor, simple furs and beads- this one wore added fur on its chest and he realized it must be a female. A scientist once said they were more aggressive but rarely hunted- he must be lucky. She crouched down, far taller than any human he had ever seen, far taller than the pathetic 8 feet he thought her to be. Her head tilts and he swears she is speaking- he can’t clearly hear what language she speaks in over the sound of his own heartbeat and ragged breaths mixing into a funeral march in his mind. His eyes follow as she straightens, clenching her clawed hands to fists and he thinks she is readying a punch. ~ She watches him as he regards her with the horror all whelps experience when they first meet an angered female. She finds it amusing, humans truly are whelps compared to her species- it would be dishonorable to kill him while he did not even try to defend himself. But she never allowed anything to get away without punishment, without showing her complete dominance over others. She had claimed this forested part as her own and she knew how to disgrace any who she deemed unworthy of honorable death. She stalks forward, grabbing him by his shoulders and pulling a knife from her thigh. She gave an amused chuckle as he scrambled to push her away, now he fought. How pathetic. She slams the knife into the tree, catching his clothes and pinning him to the spot. She stepped back, releasing him and watching his declawed hands paw at the knife, knees slightly bent and he stared with wide-eyed horror up at her. She throws her head up, eyes still locked on his form before moving closer again. She then turns herself, pressing her ass to his face. For Yautja, to be shown this treatment was disgraceful and by the way, the male gave an anguished cry for mercy and he tried to claw at her hips, she knew her punishment was received. She stayed like that a moment longer before moving away, clicking as she turned back to him. Tears glistened his face as he gasped, body trembling like the whelp he was. She ripped her knife from the tree and he fell to the ground with a thud, slinking down back into the roots and earth to try and appear submissive. An annoyed click left her as she slides her knife back in its place, her back turned to him again. His cry as she did so had her chuckling, her hand moving in a flick motion to tell him to leave, he is of little importance to her. She then descended back to all fours, bounding forward through the tall grass soundlessly. She could feel herself purring, the omega having ignited something more carnal in her and she knew she would be visiting him again, if only to humiliate him further. ~

As he watched her disappear without a sound he realized she had been toying with him, allowing him to hear her to heighten his fear. He sobs, collapsing down into the soil and trying to regain himself as he fumbled for anything to defend himself. He had left camp for a smoke and piss, his pants soiled with his fear and his face burning in shame. He was close to camp again, he could hear the yells of his teammates and called back, using the tree to help him stand as he waved to their flashlights.

[mejomonster]

anyone else ship jin ling and lan sizhui literally because of that one scene, where wen ning is just casually moving close to lan sizhui (since they’re relatives and he has a chance to finally catch up!) and jin ling freaks out so hard he draws his sword, utterly prepared to fight the ghost general To The Death just on the off chance he might even potentially hurt lan sizhui? And then just totally breaks down because literally everything about the urge to ‘protect someone he cares about with his father’s sword, from his father’s killer’ is so utterly close to home for jin ling emotionally, that he ends up collapsing?

Cause like as misinterpreted as jin ling reads the situation, everything he does in it is clearly started by the fact - he has already decided he cares about lan sizhui, and cares enough that the mere thought of the ghost-general NEAR that person he cares for is so close to home to the idea of the ghost-general-near-his-parents, that he breaks. While i am sure jin ling at heart, cares about all his friends with him in that scene, and wants to protect them all from the threat he percieves wen ning to be - and i’m sure he might have suddenly broke if wen ning had moved closer to ANY of those people who were jin ling’s peers... i still sort of think jin ling would not have Completely Lost All Composure if it had been anyone else. 

but because it was someone he was starting to care a little about (maybe see as a rival? a peer? someone talented and worth knowing - someone he’d WANT to know, who’s NICE, compared to so many other cruel peers jin ling has who taunt him for his family’s fate) - jin ling just totally took it as a personal threat to himself too. because he read the situation as “this is a person i care for, if they’re hurt, i will be hurt badly, as if i were losing my father again only completely aware of it - i am older now, i HAVE to protect this person i care for so that i don’t lose them.” he’s thinking “when i was a child i couldn’t protect my parents from this monster, but now he’s threatening another thing i love - i could be strong enough to protect a person i care for NOW, and i WILL.” And then jin ling just totally turns hostile and ready-to-kill. 

Anyway I love that scene in general because of how thoroughly it explains and elaborates on Jin Ling’s character and his entire arc (which is mainly only playing out in the background of more important characters). But also, that scene alone made me ship lan sizhui and him, if for no other reason than that nothing can convince me jin ling doesn’t at least have a crush (or desire to make Lan Sizhui close like family to him) by the time that scene happens. Because Jin Ling takes it SUPER personal when wen ning moves toward lan sizhui even a little. In a way he would not have reacted if wen ning moved toward another jin clan teenager, or toward jiang cheng - another family member. But because it’s this New Person Lan Sizhui that Jin Ling has decided he WANTS AROUND in his life, and WANTS protected from being taken away from him, Jin Ling turns utterly hostile. 

[aery-c]

Disoriented Rankings of the Educational Grading System

Whoever that invented the whole modern western-civillized certification of education thing, is becoming substantially flawed in todays society. If i were to compare my experience to attaining my university diploma with others of a higher degree, it cannot be put in a pyramidal complex.

You see, for example, being graduated from a very manually/innovative type endeavour, in contrast to a very analytical/non-physical type degree of... say biotechnology studies; they really cant be compared to be ranked side by side because they are very different.

Being in the creative industry, aesthetics and exterior beauty is highly based on the approval of each individuals personal preference in how they tend to percieve and comprehend the design itself. For an amateur artist there would be many obstacles and challenges to mass market one single piece of art (especially when someone's not exceptionally extroverted or perfectly sane, art with its imperfections is what makes an art unique to its own potential prominence.) So good recognition and networking will build its value in society. However the downside is, being said that its dependability on clients' conformity, it is not easy to be valid enough to obtain just a simple diploma. In fact, due to my experience, I had to email all my professors on the last few days before my final marks were released just to apologize and beg for the passing of my hard earned struggles JUST to lock in reassurance for the thousands of dollars and years of hard work for a single diploma to be confirmed. On the otherhand, I suppose studying in a typical bio tech degree would be opposite of what a diploma in design student would encounter. I'd imagine lots of statistical measuring and data collecting on top of exams from memorization on chemical compounds and maybe even computing and coding archetypes too. The complexity should supposedly diminish over time especially if a job is secured after internship or simply getting employed from their demanding workplace, or even continuing on contributing to university studies just to be paid for their excellence. Whereas this rarely happens in the design industry. In actual fact, its the complete opposite. We outreach to others instead of others offering us a secure job after graduation because most design companies are not demanding and are privately owned. Even when my particular diploma consisted many elements of different areas of design including computerized, mechanical, videography, photography, landscape, architectural, internal decorating, machinery, soldering, plastic, fabric, or even chemical handling etc etc... It all comes down to one very narrow title. A product designer. People often misinterpret or have no knowledge of what "product" designers do but its a very broad and jill of trades type of job. One day i may be making sensory immersive graphic VR/AR designs on the metaverse, another day I may be incorporating glass, fabrics, liquids into something IRL. its a vague and extensive passion. So even if master degrees like accounting and finance are difficult from the start, its understandble that those are hard in a different way. They can be predicted, written to structure and analysed to perfection. They most likely have more clues in calculation according to books, trends, etc. but Design... its a whole different story. Its non-static, free-flowing and highly critiqued to the point many famous artists have become self-consumed to their work and the oppressions from general public can drive them insane or worse suicidal. Creativity is limitless, thats why its a threat as a double-edged sword of a career to pursue. Even if say, ranking the highschool education system, its obvious that grading is mostly based on a systematic numerical IQ oriented way. If we consider the hunter or gatherers theory, that education system would overtly serve the conditioned gatherers as the obedient farmers the best. Its undoubtly mass control of society and population. As a human of conscious knowing, I personally dont fit in that typical category. (Even tadpoles cant climb trees if the system was to rank all animals in their "intelligence", just to "educate" us!). Sometimes, in most occasions, we as the same species as a collective, arent exactly the same as each other. There is variety even when innately we were bound to have similar genetics. Therefore I really hope the world can grow better and learn by an education system that can tailor each individuals needs for achieving their highest potentials. Because myself, I cannot STAND being stuck in one job for the rest of my life! A colorful

life is what drives my knowledge for a better ascension! .

[wired-for-weird]

I've been thinking about a post I saw on someone's blog along the lines of "doms having 'other doms dni' in their bio just reeks of insecurity like what the fuck"

and like. I agree that's how it comes across? but also like

I'm attracted to those kinds of roles because I am insecure. I am, at a baseline, for reasons both within and beyond my control, extremely susceptible to domineering, controlling personalities because I both want to be them and desperately want the security they offer. I flinch away from submissive roles because they make me extremely vulnerable, and even though they can make me feel deeply comforted, I'm hyperaware that they put me in a position to be taken advantage of, seen as pathetic, and scorned by people who I might turn to help me recover from whatever I suffered because honestly, it was my fault. If I'd just stood up for myself instead of rolling over and fawning, it wouldn't have happened. There's a reason I don't vibe with degredation.

I've also interacted with doms/predators/whatever who treat the role like it's some kind of pack-alpha contest, as though there needs to be some kind of heirachy of doms with them at the top. I joined a kink server a handful of years ago, picked out my roles, and joined in with the semi-rp style of conversation they had going. One user immediately zero'd in, trying to establish that while I was totally welcome to the role, it was them who was the top of the heap, a predator's predator. Maybe that was their insecurity manifesting. Maybe I was just nervous and completely misinterpreting what was supposed to be friendly contest, and I wasn't being targeted at all. I still left pretty fucking sharpish.

All this adds up to a feeling that, more often than not, other people who like to play the same roles as I do are either a threat to me, would rather have me in a submissive, controllable position (that I am terrified I'd like, that I'd embrace an abusive situation for the sake of stability), or see me as a threat and could try to engage me in a contest I did not ask for and do not feel capable of winning. Just because I feel it doesn't mean it's true, of course, but just because it's not true doesn't mean I don't feel it.

All of this comes of being mentally ill and terminally online, I know. There are swathes of people who don't have any connection between their feelings of insecurity and their preference for domming at all. But it's still true that there's this unique disgust people seem to have for what they percieve as insecure. It's like the inverse of charisma. And I don't know how useful it is to roll your eyes at someone for it without like... wondering where that disgust comes from.