#but then I'm normal again. mostly
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sometimes I miss dsmp so bad I feel like I'm going to throw up
#zeph.text#but then I'm normal again. mostly#emetophobia tw#lots of longing and yearning from me recently I've noticed
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i miss succession and the community it gave me </3
#i know most of you are still there but it's not the same. and that's okay because it's been nearly a year since it ended!! it's normal#but i also miss it. spring and summer 2022? some of the happiest time of my life!!! i've always wanted to be a part of something#and i truly got to experience that. and i am grateful!! but thinking about it makes me nostalgic and also a little sad.#mostly because i feel like i'm never going to have that again. and also because i miss the people. it's wild how you talk to someone daily#and now it's been over a year since we've been in contact. a specific kind of a heartbreak!!#yes the fact succ ended is hitting me now. a year later. everybody moved on i stayed here <3#but anyways i am so so grateful for all of the people who have been here experiencing the mass hysteria of succ together!!!! the past years#have been worth it because of you <3#yes the loneliness hit me bad. shhh it's midnight i'm allowed
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They're exchanging braincells
#oc: august#oc: nicolas#sfm funsies#tf2#tf2 medic#medicest#I'm fucking freezing and I love it#I mean I would rather risk hypothermia any day rather than battle 62 degrees celcius 3-4 months a year lmao#ah what a treat#aaa and I love this sweater so much. it's so cute + the styles all are so pretty and fit the style of the game so well#I had a bunch of ideas for winter/cold themed posters but I also thought they were similar to one another. mostly cuddles and shit#but then again... it's a theme lmao. can't go wrong with it can I?#some day I will organize tags and stuff. not now but some day for now I just enjoy the queue/program feature#and not tagging as wip anymore because I will start sharing quick thingies I make in SFM for fun that maybe won't be continued/worked on#and I have faith nobody will repost my posters since they're OCs.... hopefully#why is SFM works reposting so normalized is beyond me. it is art after all you fucks
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how do you know the difference between a huge anxiety attack and a panic attack?
#i think i had a panic attack yesterday but idk......#god it felt so awful and it went on for like 3 hours#but i also had like a hundred things going on so idk if it was like the accumulation of everything or if it was really a panic attack yk#i was at the fair with my family waiting for my best friend to arrive bc i was going to hang out with her#and yk it's a place full of people and we were standing right next to a huge speaker hearing a man talk#and also each place in the fair has different music playing super loud and you can hear all of them at the same time (+ the flashing lights#all that causes me anxiety every since i was little (even if i didn't know it was anxiety back then)#so i *knew* i was going to have the greatest time and i didn't really want to go there in the first place#but even with that i wasn't really haven't a bad time (yet)#we were just stading there and i was waiting for my friend to call me so we could go somewhere else#she called me to tell me she was coming and right when i hung up the phone i felt a really strong pang on my belly#and idk at first i thought it was period cramps but it was weird bc my period had actually stopped that same morning#also i had taken a painkiller right before going there bc all that i mentioned earlier also gives me migraines so there's that too#so yeah the pangs kept getting stronger and it hurt so fucking bad to the point my legs started trembeling#my vision blured and every sound around me seemed to almost fade away#there wasn't any place i could sit down so i gad to cling to my dad and he had to hold me so i didn't fall to the ground#i think i almost (?) fainted in his arms too#after a while the dizzines went away and my dad went to get me smth to drink and i mostly got my hearing and vision back to normal#all that was like 10 minutes max but then the pangs kept hitting every minute or so for the next 3 hours#we found a place to sit and find smth to eat but i couldn't eat anything without wanting to throw up#my legs wouldn't stop shaking like fucking crazy and i kept going from feeling like i was freezing to sweating from how hot i felt#idk i've had smth like this (w/o the pangs) happen to me before a bunch of times but never That strong and it usually lasted 5-10min max#we ended up having to go home and i had to take some more painkillers and my sleeping pills to be able to calm down a little#i'm pretty sure i fell asleep from exhaustion after everything and i'm still feeling a bit weird after almost 24 hours since it happened#anyways. the thing is idk if all that was caused bc of my anxiety#or if it was smth completely unrelated and i just had such a bad tummy ache that it made me feel bad enough to cause All That yknow#i think it felt pretty much like how i've heard people describe a panic attack but again i'm not sure#yeah.........#maca speaks
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In honor of asexuality awareness day I think we should all throw rocks at this man for genuinely making me question my sexuality for a while there
#i'm still ace like i got over it#i'm normal now (mostly)#but for a moment there hoo boy#he made me have a full on identity crisis back in like october#i've said it before and i'll say it again: what did they put in that guy???#he's THE most boring conventionally attractive man but because he happens to be a vampire i fell right for it#not cool of him to make me believe for a moment that i was STRAIGHT#and therefore he should be executed thank you#i actually have a theory as to why this happened but i still choose to blame astarion 🖕#astarion#bg3#asexual#this is stupid and silly ignore me lmao
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Okay, now I'm back off tumblr for the rest of the month unless something like this happens again (which it likely won't). See you all in a bit.
#i was shaking so badly this morning i had to do something to get it out of my system#i'm mostly normal now#but now i'm gone again#i'm working on something behind the scenes as always#see you in july!#may mel be with you
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i'm going home tomorrow & i'm so excited to see my family, i really missed them
#also my mom told me some time ago that i'm really brave & i shouldn't give up#but i don't feel brave i feel tired#so basically i had three different jobs this year#first one i quit because i hated it & it was too chaotic#i got fired from the second one after over a month because apparently i was too nice#now the third one i know is just temporary because it's similar to the one i quit last year#and it's only because i need money so i can't stay jobless#my situation is kinda fucked up because i live here alone so i have to pay rent#and i really don't want to go back to my parents#i know i can but i wanna stay here#i've been working so hard to move to my favourite city and i want to start studies here this year i just can't give up#so i just took the job i didn't want#and i keep looking for something i might actually like#but god i'm tired#i feel like the biggest fucking failure#i just need a normal fucking job jesus why is it so hard#i don't want to work with customers anymore i hate people#and i also want to earn a little more money because trust me it's not that easy to live fucking alone#i mostly spend my money on food cause unfortunately i have to eat#but i'm not interested in just surviving i really want to start feeling alive again#ugh#talking shit for the hell of it*
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wore my new shorts today and boy do I wish I could wear them to work... but we got a strict no shorts policy sadly...
#i swear the shorts make me feel like i'm 12 years old again. which is good and bad but mostly good#it's like. being 12 but with a little less being at the mercy of my parents' punishments for displaying symptoms of mental illness#because now i'm a little better at hiding how bad i'm doing and acting like a normal human being lol#still. feeling too damn young and vulnerable and sick and twisted
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wow, a lot of people are telling me to watch the 4.2 trailer. what's got them so excited? i mean it's just a normal version trailer- (spoilers below the cut)
OH MY GOODNESS
F F FOUL LEGACY COMEBACK?!?!?!?!?!?! FOR REAL??????? OH MY GOD BLESSED DAY BLESSED UPDATE THIS IS THE BEST TRAILER EVER
ahem ahem
Foul Legacy sweetie I've missed you greatly I'll be waiting to hug you (but knowing the storyline i probably won't get to ;-;;;;)
look at how pretty and cute he is aaaaaa i wanna kiss his cheeks so bad i've been moth deprived for a literal AGE
if hoyoverse replaced Foul Legacy with the leaked Abyss knight looking guy one will be so fucking mad.
(also forgive the awkward and blurry photo i genuinely couldn't snap a better one)
#hush n shush wifi#wifi plays genshin#genshin spoilers#kinda? i mean the trailer is out for all to see#i say this as someone who keeps up with leaks: i did not expect this but OH it is SO welcome#to be fair i usually refrain from story leaks because i want to go into it mostly blind#but i didn't see ANYTHING about Foul Legacy appearing ohhhhh my godddd#my moth deprived heart is healing. the world is in order again#unless they get rid of Foul Legacy. then the world is very much NOT in order again.#he gets a full cutscene....... i'm gonna be eating so well on tuesday#anyways haha how are you all i swear i'm normal again :)#good evening :)
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two parallel lines by khaotunq (stilinski)
It wasn't that Boston was free from blame – far from it: he was absolutely mostly to blame – but Boston's very transgression there proved the rule.
Boston, when caught, didn't lie.
#ficwit#only friends the series#ofts#i don't normally xpost my stuff here but i'm in a weird mood#and i don't think anyone will see it otherwise bc it's not a pairing fic#it's boston & ray friendship/reconciliation#and mostly ray being uncanonically zen#but it feels nice to just have written something again so
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come to think of it another reason I'm biased towards nine might be because we never reach such beautiful casual queer vibes as the doctor + rose + jack situation again, at least not as far as I've watched. like I'm honestly not that much of a shipper but that kiss scene DOES things to me. and part of that is how loosely defined the relationship seems to be, at least maybe from jack's perspective. I can't rightly say it was wholly romantic in canon, but it sure was something - yes, rose flirted with jack way more than the doctor did when they first met, but the doctor even just being chill about jack kissing him feels significant - and I do love a quasi-romantic loosely-defined Something.
#doctor who#falderal speaks#I have stills from the jack+rose and jack+doctor kisses because I'm. normal about it#and I think we avoid seeing the doctor's face during or right after because they didn't want to shock the viewers too much?#if we don't see the doctor's face or reaction it can be waved off as just a Jack Being Jack thing#and it leaves us this sort of... almost plausible denability almost ambiguity#and again that may just be the vibe jack brings to it#it honestly makes me a little sad that he feels so different in torchwood#because I almost wanna say that pre-torchwood jack is maybe just LIKE this with his close friendships#maybe he comfortably straddles/ignores the line between friendship and romance when that's safe and welcome#(or else just falls into that with rose and the doctor specifically)#and maybe he's just lived through so much by torchwood (or lived so long in such a restrictive culture)#that he just. doesn't do that anymore. can't.#those are my feelings on it at least!#I haven't strayed into the fandom at ALL I just grew up with the show so nobody read this as reacting to any trends in the fandom pls#anyway apparently I'm mostly feral about the relationships I can think about and ship in a queerplatonic way#which will be a surprise to absolutely no-one who knows me from fandom stuff#but I hadn't thought to think about these three that way before. and it's a treat.#drafted last night just posted today#(like this was probably the first queer character and queer kiss I saw on screen and it was a nationally beloved family-friendly show)#(I'm basically obligated not to be normal about it)
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okay peace and love i'm never posting like that again
#now i look like someone who's like. “my 🌟trauma🌟 made me funny”#or a someone who just says “ed” loosely but doesn't mean it and/or brags abt being anorexic#things got way bad again at a speed i didn't know it would have. that's a bit of what i've been up to lately#@cronenfag blog is the worst bc in like april 2023 i made a post like “that's it i swear off recovery i'm better off being worse”#and then in like late 2023 i was posting like “yay ^_^ i'm gonna get better FORREAL. i'm seriously gonna try this time :)”#and now we're here#the entirety of 2023 was a back and forth of that#to be fair even when i was in the “i wanna get better” stage i was directed to a clinic and was like “i don't need to go i'm normal now”#when really i didn't wanna go mostly bc it's like. a coping mechanism i don't want to let go of in case i need it#i don't think i ever truly wanted to rule out the idea of reeeelapsing and i knew that obviously#i've dug myself so deep i have no idea how long this whole mess will go on for. because i don't want to die like i used to#but it's all still been engrained in my mind over the past few years#whatever#m
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Misc. photos from the past year or so ~
#image commentary in tags once again since they don't allow captions anymore and I feel weird using the alt text for that --#1. napping bapy boye sneeping on his own foot as if it were a pillow#2. The little primrose that I have seems to bloom sporadically all year around as long as I bring it inside and don't let it freeze#in the winter. This was a flower that came up randomly like mid november lol#3. Rainbow where you can see a little bit of a second rainbow near the bottom of it :0#4. CHILDREN.... love to see them.....#5. Halloween Candy ranking tierlist. not important enough to post on it's own. so throwing it in with one of these I guess lol#I am also not really a candy person at all and prefer bready stuff like cakes rather than chocolate bars (if I even have to have sweets#at ALL which usually I prefer savory food). I suspect the apple is controversial but.. I do love apples .... huzzah#actually am having applle and peanut butter snack right now as I'm writing this lol#6. Various bowls/cups/etc. that I got from a store at COMPLETELY different times like.. years apart from each other#yet at some point realized that they all mostly match in paint color and seem to be part of the same pattern#But I totally didnt make that connection until a few years ago when I was putting up dishes. I just bought them all invidually because it's#like 'oh cool! a cat' *1 year later* 'oh cool! a cat!' etc. lol.. I guess it must be a popular design if it's been around being sold that#long.#7. carne asada burrito and matcha bubble tea... oughhgh.... again one of my very rare meals where I actually go and get something..#probably my favorite meal currently. Something about the Chronic Anemia makes me crave beef burritos madly despite only having one#maybe twice a year or so ghjbhj.. plus the beans.... onions.... many of my Diet Forbidden foods... Also of course the little aishas#are there.... somehow they shall split the meal together even though it's like 10x bigger than their bodies.. they are also hungry#and vastly anemic... huzzah to them...#8. I've had this shirt for a long time but it fits very weird so I can never find a way to use it in outfits?? But I recently had#an appointment where a doctor needed to be able to look at my back and it's one of the only actual Shirts that I have (mostly i just own#long robes or tunics or jumper dress type of things that would be hard to lift up or etc. like... I dont even own a single normal 't-shirt'#or anyting aside from one giant tshirt that I sleep in in the summer lol.) So I wore this there.. I forget how much I love the pictures on#it.. how pleasant... little hummingbird... AND I think one of the flowers is supposed to be columbine ... !#photo diary
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So. Everyone who yelled at me yesterday for making a ramble on Reynie going blank and then not resolving it, this is for you:
(@lemondropletters, you have been tagged)
Also, it's in a Google Doc because it was definitely too long for a Tumblr post, and ~~I don't know how AO3 works~~
The (vague) premise is that, instead of Constance seeing Curtain's broadcast, they all get to the compound mentally sound, but once there, they split up to look for Mr. Benedict, and instead Reynie finds Curtain. This is the wrap up of what would have happened in the last episode.
#I'm sorry if it's also garbage#My brain hasn't been letting me sleep the last two days so I've just been working on this#And also I've never tried writing fic before so it is highly likely to be bad#But it was certainly a fun experience!#I was like “Oh I'll just rewrite that first post in this new format and then add the notes I had in my drafts”#And from there it somehow spiraled into a five and a half thousand word mess#But I think I learned some things!#And I'm sorry Miss Perumal isn't more help I got caught up in the emotion and I just really wanted the kids to work it out themselves#Especially since Reynie is normally the driving force for those kinds of solutions#But without him it took a lot longer than I expected#Also be warned I use a lot more em dashes then I think I'm supposed to#And I was trying the technique of mostly using the adult's formal names since the main perspective is the kids'#But the point is that I did it. I tried.#And if it's terrible then I will just never do it again#I'm sorry I didn't know how to end it so it's kind of vague and abrupt#I hope it's fairly in-character I tried really hard but messing up character voices terrifies me which is why I've never tried this before#I am genuinely so sorry if this is hot garbage it certainly feels like garbage#Okay shutting up now. Again my apologies#the mysterious benedict society#mbs#reynie muldoon#kate wetherall#sticky washington#constance contraire#miss perumal
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Sometimes i feel useless and annoying
#//vent#my vent art is... normal sometimes like this one so okay to rb but idk might delete later or removing the tags#i use a lot the wilsons as confort ch actually#idk sometime i feel like i'm not that appreciated in the fandom idk despite my heart know it's wrong#i think it just bc i overthink about some tawog artists that i enjoyed giving support for months but they never interacted with me#and for one of them their art and cute doodles helped me in personal stuff + brought me back to tawog fandom#and i hoped to make them smile with my art but.. yeah they just... don't care after these months#I get sad and disappointed that now they art send just... /neg vibes so i unfollowed them#idk i just feel guit that i made them upset for... unknown reasons#sigh i should just don't care about that and keep to draw dor myself#cringy or not#i'm mostly an optimistic person but overthink a lot when i feel anxious haha#i'll be probably smile and enjoy life again tomorrow#if ppl wanna talk or sending cute ask ye you can#talking with ppl help me to confort so feel free
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Is it just me or do people view Shiori solely through her black rose arc episode way more than they do the other black rose duelists?
#revolutionary girl utena#don't get me wrong she IS manipulative even outside of that arc. but like. she's not evil incarnate?#yall she doesn't even REMEMBER that juri is in love with her.#like. during the ruka episodes she is doing her normal 'project love for juri onto a boy in close proximity to her thing'#from her perspective juri has been acting extremely cold to her ever since she got back (deservingly because of shiori's past actions)#but then talks to her again ONLY to try to get her to break up with ruka.#we are mostly in Juri's perspective so we KNOW that she loves Shiori and that Ruka is genuinely harmful for her#but Shiori's reaction to that makes total sense!#I'm not even trying to argue she's a GOOD person#just like. y'all she is a high schooler with internalized homophobia who has no reason to believe juri is anything but cold to her#if you're not in juri's head it is VERY easy to see why shiori would come to the conclusion that juri looks down on her#rgu#people seem to think shiori has the same knowledge of juris psyche that the audience does#and that the black rose arc (which is all about troubled kids being manipulated to act on their WORST influences)#reflects her entire personality
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