#but then theres the keeper who watches over the dead. it used to be human though and its technically the first buried human too.

[fagsarecool]

woag. idk if my asks are going through...please do tell about your silly bone guy

Only ask ive gotten from you 😭

OKOKOK, SO

Everrét was a ballerina before he died. He was a very good one and he liked to dance but he didn't really like everything else that came with being a dancer during the time period (might get too heavy so I'll say that its not good). He has a twin brother, though they aren't identical twins (Everrét is trans lol). He also had a husband when he was alive. As far as husbands went he was good. He wrote music for Everrét.

After Everrét dies though (and I call it dying but it's more of a technicality. He doesn't die so much as he becomes dead. That doesn't really make sense but that's how it is), he ceases all contact with his family. For many reasons. Partially because he wants to be forgotten by them and partially because he's afraid that they won't see past the part he played when he was living.

Anyway, in the world of the dead (haven't come up with the name of the place. It sort of functions as a city where it has names for different parts, so Underworld is an area rather than the name of the whole place), the purpose of being there is to sort of wait for souls to make peace with themselves before they get reincarnated. Sort of a holding place. Everrét won't ever reincarnate though. He's sort of stuck there forever, and he's also one of the few skeletons in the place, most dead people still have skin and such.

Also he's sort of popular with grandmothers and young children. His home is nestled in an area of the afterlife that has a lot of dead children and they see everétt as a pretty cool guy. Tbh he's kind of emo and sad tho.

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

Meeting and Dating Randy

(Not my gif)(requested by @westanimagines )

(I tried my best with the few scenes we had of him <3)

- You meet Randy when you get a job at the grocery store. You get introduced to the butcher and pretty much everyone else during your first break with your new coworkers. From the moment you laid eyes on him there seemed to be something about him that pulled you in.

- Sadly, the two of you don’t see very much of each other considering he’s usually behind the scenes and you’re more on the floor. But every now and again you’ll have to go and get something from the back and you’ll bump into each other.

- Whenever everyone is on break together, he’ll shoot you glances from across the table. He’ll look over at you when he or someone makes a joke, finding your laugh adorable and smiling along with you. You tend to not notice it but every now and again you’ll catch his eye.

- You kind of feel bad that he’s stuck down there with no one but maybe Produce Joe to interact with so whenever things are slow you poke your head in and say hi. You start a sort of friendship with him and wind up getting pretty close, closer with him than any of your other coworkers at least.

- He never minds the company, in fact he looks forward to it. A pretty girl coming to pay him attention; what more could he ask for in this line of work? A raise maybe, but this was good enough for him.

- During one of your breaks, one of the other girls had asked if you had a boyfriend since they’d been telling you about a problem they’d been having with theirs. You chuckled and told her “it was kinda difficult to meet guys on a vampires schedule”. Randy just so happened to hear and was pleasantly surprised.

- For someone who spends a lot of time alone in a dimly lit meat locker he sure is good at flirting. You’re surprised when your usual banter turns into something more suggestive and complimentary but you certainly don’t mind.

- Not too long after your conversations started to take a turn, he invited you out for drinks at a bar down the road from the store. Even though you’d usually be too tired to do anything after your shift you happily accepted.

- You left work together and soon after you found yourself laughing with him as the two of you sat in a booth, sipping your drinks. He recounted stories that your bosses and coworkers had yet to tell you and had you in stitches with his own tales from behind the shelves.

- You really seemed to click as the night went on so you were excited when he said he’d like to “do this again sometime” as you walked out to your cars. He opened your car door for you, gave you a warm smile and headed over to his own vehicle. You were grinning the whole ride home even though you were starting to feel the effects of staying up later than you should’ve.

- Jennifer and Linda wanted all of the details when you went into work the next day. They could hardly act natural as Randy passed your little group as they attempted to bombard you with questions. You could see him give a knowing grin as he walked towards his station, leaving you flustered and your friends ecstatic.

- You ended up going out together again later that week, and then again a day or so after that. You were really smitten with each other.

- The two of you had your first kiss while you were at work waiting for your shifts to be over so you could go on your fourth date.

- You’d been moving some boxes into the back of the store when you’d heard a noise coming from the far end of the room you were supposed to be in. Obviously the sudden interruption scared you, especially when it came from somewhere you knew no one else was.

- You’d accidentally dropped a box when you’d gotten spooked which is what prompted Randy to come out and check on you. You assured him you were alright but mentioned the noise, still slightly (yet admittedly irrationally) shaken. He checked around for you, coming up with nothing once he was finished.

- It helped but you still weren’t completely comfortable. He teased you a little, gave you a hug and before you knew it his lips were on yours. It was definitely a nice way to be calmed down.

- Perhaps it’s not the best for people to date their coworkers but let’s just say you’re very happy you gave it a try.

- The extent of his pda is a quick kiss and hand on the small of your back or shoulder when you’re standing together. He’s not a huge fan of smooching you in the public eye.

- You drive to work together, usually in his car.

- You’re called either pumpkin, babe or sweetie, and of course sometimes just an abbreviation of your name.

- You usually wind up eating all your meals together. He’s pretty fond of Italian.

- He sneaks little bits of food whenever you’re cooking. He is a nuisance in the kitchen.

- He has his own place; albeit small, so you tend to hang out there, cuddling on the couch, watching a movie/tv show and drinking a beer.

- He doesn’t make a lot of money so you rarely have expensive dates. Not that either of you mind, just being together is good enough for you.

- He has a habit of coming in at bad times which is something you’ll just have to get used to. I mean it doesn’t happen all the time but make sure to lock the door if you’re dealing with something you don’t want him to walk into.

- Hands. Just hands. Butchers need to be steady and calculated yet I can see him having a slightly rough touch at the same time. ...Yum.

- Randy just looks tired so you tend to take naps together after work. Or he’ll occasionally fall asleep on you while you run your fingers through his hair.

- The two of you usually wind up with his feet on the coffee table and yours in his lap whenever you’re on the couch together. Either that or you’re pretty much laying on top of him.

- Even though he acts like a smartass he actually does like hearing about your day and the different stories that you have.

- He’s pretty fond of teasing you; doesn’t matter what it’s about he just loves doing it.

- He likes to mouth things at you when someone’s back is turned, trying to make you laugh while they’re distracted.

- He loves seeing you having a good time. He’s a pretty funny guy so it isn’t hard for him to make you laugh. Plus, his smartass behavior usually ends up doing the trick if his jokes don’t.

- You play pranks and attempt to spook each other.

- He’s a fan of horror in general so the two of you watch a lot of scary movies together.

- Baking cookies together.

- Stealing his flannels.

- He tends to misplace his belongings so you often know where he puts things more than he does.

- Mistreats appliances and tools; sometimes you feel the need to apologize to the things in his home. Poor half broken washing machine.

- He can be a baby when he gets hurt, he’ll keep fussing over his injuries until you help him or kiss them better.

- He has to lift heavy carcasses all day so he’s pretty strong. You need help lifting something or want to be lifted yourself than he’s your guy.

- He’s used to seeing a little blood and other gross things so theres not much that disturbs him. He’s perfectly fine in a lot of situations whether it be when you mention your period or want him to get rid of a dead animal in your yard.

- He thinks it’s cute if you don’t like being around the meat or thinking about him butchering. He always smiles when you give him a grimace as he talks about his work or whenever you see the hanging bodies.

- Sometimes you’ll catch him murmuring songs while he works; you think it’s cute. If you ask him sweetly enough he may just sing to you.

- Your mom probably loves getting the best of the best whenever she shops at the store or when you take home groceries.

- Your parents probably love him unless they’re super vegan and despise the meat industry. Your dad is especially a fan of his since he can make a conversation out of nothing and make the older man laugh like it’s no ones business.

- He offers to warm you up whenever you visit him in the meat locker and absentmindedly mention how cold it is.

- On that note~ He is basically a human heater; you sort of have to be to handle being in the cold nearly all day.

- Bar dates. He greatly enjoys teaching you how to play pool if you don’t know how.

- Having barbecues together.

- Sitting on the sink or bathtub ledge as he shaves in the morning.

- Showering together.

- He’s not a very jealous guy but he will tell someone to to fuck off if he finds them flirting with you, mostly because it’s obvious you’re uncomfortable.

- He’s pretty protective of you; and has a bit of a temper, so he’s prone to starting arguments or yelling at people in your honor.

- Making out in the back of the store and having quickies in the bathroom.

- Getting each other for lunch. You usually sit next to him with his arm wrapped around the back of your chair.

- He taste tests things for you. If something looks a little weird he’ll take a bite before you do to make sure it’s safe.

- Occasionally chatting with Produce Joe when you’re waiting for Randy to be finished with something. You’re like the only person in the store who really talks to him besides Randy. You get a taste of the freshest of fruits in return for your kindness.

- Comforting and ranting to each other when you’re told the news about the store. He’s definitely a little more upset than you are, considering he was cheated out of a whole two week paid vacation.

- Trying to help each other find new jobs when you’re laid off.

- He tells you he loves you quite a bit. It’s not hard for him in the slightest, he knows that he does and has no intentions of letting you go anytime soon.

- You picked a keeper; even your parents agree with you on that. You have to bribe your mom during the holidays to not bring up marriage. Not that it takes very long for him to propose to you ;)

[insertive-not-assertive]

ok changeling backstory time. under the cut cuz its word soup

okay so like, firstly, my s/is keeper was nergal. my s/i was a stormchaser as a human, and got snatched up by him during a particularly nasty storm they were watching near the ocean. so after an extremely long time of being in nergals shitty air palace of storms and pained singed changelings, my changeling gets fed up with being hurt by nergal, so the next time he sends lightning up their leash for laughs,

they bite the leash, burning their mouth and hands, and end up with a mouthful of lightning. pain is strong, but hatred [and adrenaline] is stronger :D

so they fly down to him and bite him on on the wrist, sending his own lightning through his veins [or whatever he has instead of veins], electrocuting him. it hurts like hell obviously, so he uses his other hand to tear them off like a bug and fling them away

he accidentally breaks the leash doing this, they fall into the Hedge and escape from Arcadia and nergal [which pisses him off].

they fight their way through the hedge and emerge pissed but relieved. they chill out a bit and try to fly home, only to discover that its been a decade since they were stolen and nergal never bothers to make Fetches, so their family declared them dead and gave them a funeral. they cant go home.

they turn around, go back to the ocean, and throw a legendary grief filled temper tantrum that wrecks the beaches all along the east coast.

after a few days they wear themself out, climb out of the ocean, and start talking to other Changelings to try and figure out how to start over and live life as a changeling. they find out about courts and freeholds, and that theres another person who was 'kept' by nergal, so they go to see him.

okay im tired now blah blah yada yada to sum up: ali goes to see the king of eternal summer in miami, he asks them to join his court [cuz hey escaping nergal and managing to hurt him even a little is impressive], they go yes but only if you help me kill nergal and hes like yes duh of course thats why we're here, the end. thats as far as i got

[clown-bait]

29 Neibolt ST (Monster Roommate AU) CH 30

Oh god this one got long but like so much happens man. And before you get mad I’m not sorry for what I did. Also I’m a sucker for Robert getting super proud of his trashpire and being unintentionally supportive. Like he goes out of his way to be a mean evil bastard but at the end of the day he’s secretly gonna be like “Don’t tell anyone but.. I’m proud of you and if anyone says otherwise I’ll rip out their organs. <3” he luv his trashpire. So yeah shit goes down have fun.

music for this chapter:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0TzUNti3rY

play at the beginning for maximum comedic effect.

CH 30

Lets Get Ready to Die

“Mmmm Leech you’re so tense” Robert mumbled into her skin. “Do I frighten you love?” he smiled into her continuing his assault on her neck. He pulled slightly away when she didn't respond to his nips “Love?” he removed himself completely and stared at her blank face with a puzzled look. “Leechie?” he waved his injured hand in front of her face. He turned his head to see what had his nosferatu so stunned and before he could react she exploded out of his arms screaming like a banshee.

“ADAM!!!” She howled limbs flailing frantically through the crowd to get to the fleeing ghost from her past. “AAAAADDDAAAM!!! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD YOU SON OF A BITCH” she roared and shoved an unsuspecting Chucky into the wall of enraged muscle that was Michael Myers. Who threw the former doll into the Babadook spilling the grief monster’s drink all over himself and his large new boyfriend Pyramid Head. The two former monsters stared at eachother from across the room and charged. Soon a domino effect of punches began.

“CLUB FIGHT!” Freddy yelled right before Jason broke a chair over him. Robert took off after his mate who could be heard shrieking obscenities over all the chaos around her. As a creature of destruction Robert was a bit impressed that his mate could cause so much discord and pandemonium within a matter of minutes. Maybe there was such a thing as destiny after all.

“I AM GOING TO RIP OUT YOUR ENTRAILS AND WEAR THEM LIKE A FUCKING SCARF YOU POMPUS PIECE OF SHIT” She screeched tearing through people to get to the man trying to shake her off. She finally caught up to him and smashed a bottle on a table pointing it at her ex-lover “I WILL BATHE IN YOUR BLOOD AND MAKE MY MATE LICK IT OFF! GET READY TO DIE AGAIN FUCKER!” Leech let out a roar and charged but was smacked in the ribs by a flying bar stool, her small frame never standing a chance. Adam took his chance to slink into the surrounding chaos and Leech directed her rage at the person who threw the stool. Poor Ghostface didn't realize the mistake he had made till he felt the fist collide with his mask. Leech was fuming mad, how the hell was that manipulative asshole still alive? Ash must have fucked up the words again. This is what she gets for trusting a human. Someone pulled her off the poor serial killer and Leech spun around punching whoever it was in the nose, Freddy stumbled back holding his face “Jesus Fangs its me calm down!” he shouted

“He’s fucking back Fred! HE’S FUCKING BACK!”

“Yeah yeah everyone heard you screaming. You know, you didn't have to break my damn nose!”

“I need to kill him right now. I’m mortal at the moment and theres no doubt he’ll be after me!”

“Look you wanna have your little soap opera that’s fine, but lets focus on getting everyone back to normal first then you can go stabbing anyone you want yeah? I’m fuckin tired of being able to die.”

Leech stared at her friend her chest heaving and fresh blood poured from a cut on her forehead and onto her lip. She shut her eyes flicking out her tongue to taste it. “All right, fine. Let’s find the damn kid so I can get my revenge and get back to my god damn life.” she snarled.

The doors of the club opened and Uncle Bob entered the club with a still very confused Dracula in tow holding a dirty burlap sack.

“Man oh man Drac this sure sounds like……some…..party…what the hell is this?” the scene was pure chaos former monsters revealing their true natures and attacking eachother left and right, there were even a few small fires in the corner. The two stared in shock  “We’re gone for three hours. THREE HOURS and you guys start a damn riot. HOW??”

“Leech did it.” Freddy pointed at the former vampire.

“I…..yeah I guess I did well shit….” she said looking around at the scene. “You know this is actually pretty impressive I’d be proud if the stakes werent high.” she gave the duo a cocky grin to which both elder monsters shook their heads to.

“Jesus Dracula you chose this walking disaster as your apprentience?”

“De ce este totul pe foc?” (why is everything on fire?) the older vampire responded wide eyed.

“I need to have a talk with junoir about his taste in women….speaking of where is the brat?”

“No idea actually…” Leech glanced around the room. “This could be a problem I may have accidently got him shit-faced.”

“You did what now?!” Uncle Bob stomped forward and bore down on her.

“Look I didnt know he was going to be a lightweight in human form!”

“I ASKED YOU TO LOOK OUT FOR HIM AND YOU PULL THIS SHIT?”

“I’m his mate not his keeper.”

“HES MORTAL RIGHT NOW AND A COCKY IDIOT AND YOU GOT HIM DRUNK!”

“Are you guys talking about Jingles?” Chucky said crawling out with Tiffany from under a table

“We saw him leave out the back.” Tiff said pointing to the back exit.

“Oh god he left the building?” Leech was starting to get worried now. She let her rage blind her once again and it put someone she loved in danger.

“Guys I know we all care about jingles’ well being but we only have a few hours left of halloween and if we dont find that little orange brat were stuck like this” Freddy complained dodging a thrown bottle.

“All right then grab the giant lets get the kid and fix this mess.” Uncle Bob grabbed the sack from Dracula and opened it seeing if there was anything useful to bring him out.

“I thought I saw him before Vorhees hit me with a chair he’s here somewhere.” Freddy grumbled and began to push back into the fighitng crowd the rest of the gang folling him. Leech turned the other direction of her friends heading for the back exit.

“Fangs come on.” Uncle Bob shouted.

“I’m going to find him.”

“Yeah and we’ll have better luck working together come on.” Freddy growled at her.

“No I’m going to find Adam. I’m going to find him before he kills me or Robert.”

“Leech this is not the time for fuckin heroics. Besides thats not really our forte.” the dream demon said stepping forward.

“Who said anything about being heroic.” the vampire said darkly pulling a large knife from her coat.

“Huh i thought this was an edge free event.” Tiffany chimed in slightly puzzled.

“Plucked it off Ghostface before he could use it on me.” she said cooly fiddling with the blade.

“Fine if you want to go save your stupid damsel in distress then by all means go get yourself killed once again because thats probably going to be the result.” Freddy rolled his eyes.

“Are you implying you actually give a shit about me Fred?” Leech smirked.

“Nah, you still owe me for that last half ounce. Can’t have you kickin the bucket till you pay me back.”

Leech smiled at the dream demon. “You know for a bunch of selfish murderers you guys sure are big softies.” the gang grinned back at her “Dont fuck up I expect to be bald next time I see all of you.”  

“Go save your idiot Fangs.”

The former vampire tipped the knife to her head in a mock salute and slipped out the door.

——————-

Leech briskly walked through the cool october air behind the night club. It was eerily quiet compared to the chaos inside and the ex-vampire tightened her grip on the stolen blade in her hand. With the 7pm curfew still in effect most people were off the streets at this hour leaving her alone and exposed. She had grown quite friendly with the night becoming nearly nocturnal since the sun rapidly drained her energy. This atmosphere was normally comforting to her but something felt off and she felt vulnerable. Leech approaced an alleyway and proceeded down the poorly lit path eyes darting around in the night. She was desprately missing her heightened hearing and nightvision right now. Something stumbled and shuffled behind her she wasnt alone. The vampire gripped her knife and spun around with a snarl only to have her wrist caught by a large hand missing a finger. Robert Gray held the side of his head and stared into his mates wild murderous eyes. Leech immediately released the tension in her muscles dropping the knife in her hand and falling into him.

“Holy shit youre not dead!” she gasped squeezing her mate tight as if letting him go would cause him to vanish.

“I feel dead” he grumbled his eyes were red and bloodshot he had clearly sobered up thanks to the cold. They broke apart and leech picked up her knife.

“Adam’s back.”

“I’m aware.”

“What are we going to do?”

“Same thing we always do, kill the problem.”

“I’m glad we’re on the same page.” she grinned at him. “I uh I was worried about you.”

Roberts lip twitched up slightly “Were you now?”

“Don’t make fun of me for it.”

“I’d never.” he smirked shoving her lightly.

“Liar.”

he chuckled and placed his hands on his mate’s cheeks his thumbs tracing over a fresh bruise. “Would you like to destroy our enemy with me my love?”

“Mmmmm I love it when you talk dirty to me.” she grinned up at him a slight blush grew on her cheeks.

He laughed and kissed the top of her head. “Its a date then.” robert whispered and pressed their lips together.

Leech followed behind he mate through dark alleyways till they got to the park in the center of town. She lightly touched Robert’s arm as they approached a large tree “Hey. there’s only an hour left of Halloween left and were still not back to normal.” she said with concern.

“If we are trapped like this then we’ll find another way. There’s always another way.”

“I just miss us….and killing things” she glanced off to the side “…but mostly us.”

“I know kitten.”

Robert held Leech close to him and stroked her hair. He rarely ever hugged her like this but figured now was an acceptable time to do it. The former clown sighed and looked up locking eyes with the small boy sitting in the tree eating a pumpkin lollipop. Robert froze in realization.

“You………YOU!” he shouted casting his mate to the side.

“Bob what the he- oh!”

“Grab him!” he hissed

The boy stood up on the branch.

“WAIT DONT LEAVE!” Leech shouted wishing she could still climb walls. The spirit leapt from the branch and Leech sprinted towards him. Robert closed the gap faster with his longer legs racing ahead of her and just barely grazing the burlap mask on his head. The kid was fast, unaturally fast. The former clown dove and grabbed the halloween god’s feet causing him to fall forward and drop his precious lollipop. Robert clawed at him yanking him back into his grasp the spirit began to make strange shrieking sounds reaching out with his small hands. Leech caught up to them panting and Robert pinned the child spirit to the ground in fury.

“CHANGE ME BACK!” he roared. The spirit squirmed and flailed in his grasp. “CHANGE ME BACK BEFORE I SPILL YOUR INSIDES!” the former clown slamed the spirit on the ground.

“Hey not really sure if shake and yell is actually going to work here Bob”

“STAY OUT OF IT LEECHIE!” he snarled at her clearly in a feral mood. The creature under him was reaching for something straining with his short little arms. Leech put too and two together and picked up the pumpkin lollipop. “Robert wait let me try something!” she shouted.

The former monster turned to his mate in fury. “Please! Shake and yell is clearly not going to convince him!” he was fuming mad and panting hard but stopped his assualt his grip still tight on the boy.

“Sam right? This is what you want yeah?” she held out the sucker and pulled it away before the boy could grab it “If I give it to you will you help us?” the spirit said nothing but its hand shot out reaching for its treat. Leech tenitavely held it back out to him and sam swiped it out of her hand. They stared at eachother for a brief second then the spirit stabbed Robert in the arm with the candy. The former clown roared in pain releasing the spirit.

“HEY WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!?” she screamed after it as she tried to tend to her mate’s wound. “Don’t let him get away! go!” he shouted at her pushing her off. Leech got up to chase after the creature but before she could catch up to him something smacked it hard in the head with a metal pole. The spirit fell back and pumpkin seeds oozed out of his mask.

“One monster down two to go.” Adam growled and tightened his grip on the rod.

“You bastard!” Leech hissed.

“You’re the one who eats people. You know, the first thing I thought when I woke up was that I was going to rid this town of you horrible creatures. They’ll probably call me a hero.”

“You’re equally horrible Adam!”

“At least I dont kill people.”

“Pff People. What have people ever done for me other than rejected me for who I am? Now they are the sheep and I am the wolf. Its my turn to be on top.”

If there was one thing Leech never had when she was with Adam it was confidence. She had almost none when she first arrived at Neibolt. It wasn’t until she rejected her humanity and began growing close to the clown that she finally felt power. He may not have meant to, but Pennywise made her strong. Now standing in front of her arch enemy she radiated that strength. Leech took a few bold steps forward oozing confidence.

“I am the mate of the eater of worlds. I am the right hand of destruction. Go on,” she said with a wicked grin “Try to stop me, I’ll just kill you again and again until it sticks.”

“You also don’t have a weapon.” Adam smirked and spun the metal rod.

She opened her mouth to speak then shut it. “I-huh” she reached in her jacket for her knife. Leech went still remembering that she dropped it to help Robert. “Well shit.”

Adam grinned and charged her swinging the pole like a bat at her head. Leech braced for impact when a knife blocked the blow. “The right hand of destruction. I like it.” her mate grinned at her shoving her assailant back.

“Its a working title I havent committed to anything yet.”

Out of the corner of her eye Leech saw the little pumpkin spirit stumble to its hands and knees. She glanced over to robert who took a blow to his injured arm. “Go.” he hissed as blood spattered his face.

“Aw but I want to be the one to kill him again” she whined and Robert glared.

“Leechie go.” he snarled kicking Adam in the chest with a spider web patterned boot.

“Hey before I do, dont die all right?”

“Oh that I can promise dear, but you aren’t allowed to die either understand?”

“Been there done that.” she laughed. Robert smiled at her before being smacked in the side with the metal rod. Leech yelled but the look on her mate’s face told her to go and she knew he was right. Robert Gray was tough but he wasnt Pennywise and he wasn’t immortal. Leech began to run following the trail of pumpkin guts and seeds down an alley street.

The trail turned a corner but before she could round it she caught a glimpse of several figures making their way towards her. She spun around only to see several more behind her. The figures came to veiw. They were her fellow monsters from the party, all beat up and bruised being led by the hell priest Pinhead.

“VAMPIRE!” he roared as Michael Myers and Pyramid Head pinned her to the wall, the angry mob of former monsters gathered around them. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”

“Ok first, you can lead off with a simple hello its not that hard.” Myers slammed her into the wall hard and she nearly passed out from the impact. “Two-fuck-” she wheezed “I didn’t do anything, you all didn’t have to start punching each other.”

“You nearly destroyed my establishment!”

“Oh come on it wasn’t that bad!”

“Chatterer lost an eye!”

“How is that a problem?! He didn’t have eyes before!”

“That’s not the point!” the Cenobite leader growled “You will pay for this vampire. You may be the clown’s mate but you must suffer the consequences for your actions.”

“Now, now friends let’s not get carried away here-“ Leech laughed nervously as the mob closed in.

“Burn her!” someone shouted.

“Cut out her tongue!” came another. Clearly she wasn’t the most popular monster.

The mob drew closer and Leech began to panic. Robert was busy and her friends were no where to be seen. She was done for.

“AHEM!” a gruff voice shouted. Six familiar figures emerged from the darkness.

“If you all want to continue living in our little slice of murder heaven here I suggest you put Fangs down and help us out!” Freddy called out followed by the rest of her adopted family.

“Oh thank fuck” Leech sighed in relief.

“Everyone listen up, we got the pumpkin boy’s magic bag here and I got a feeling he wants it back. We find him, give it back and then we all go back to being our regular old spooky selves yeah? I don’t know about all of you but that sounds like a way better alternative than taking out our anger on a vampire.”

“Also Pennywise is currently fighting to the death out in the park so we kinda have to hurry. If he dies were all fucked.” Leech chimed in and glared at Pinhead. “So whats it gonna be? Cut out my tongue or help fix this mess?”

The hell priest sighed and shut his eyes “Perhaps we will discuss your punishment later vampire. Release her.” the two silent giants obeyed and Leech uncerimoniously dropped to the ground. She dusted herself off and walked to the head of the mob.

“All right everyone follow me.”

————————-

Robert coughed and sputtered as he once again fell to the ground. He was injured, hungover and had an extreme disadvantage. The eldritch began to curse this human body’s weakness and hopped for his mate to succeed so he could return to full power. Once back to normal Adam wouldn't have the power of the necronomicon on his side and would be easily dispatched. Robert would just have to survive long enough to regain his powers then victory would be his. A kick to the head drew him back out of his thoughts. The former clown roared and slashed at his opponent with the stolen knife. Adam dodged and swung his metal rod down at Robert’s head who caught the weapon and kicked his enemy back. What was taking Leech so long the spirit was injured he couldnt have gone that far. He glanced over to where his mate had ran off to and saw her pinned to the wall by an angry mob. Fantastic. Of course hed have to do everything himself. Now he had to kill this intruder AND fight his way through an angry mob to save his mate. This day couldnt go any more wrong for him.

“You know clown I must thank you I dont think I’d ever be able to get control of my body back after the two of you killed it and let it become possessed.” Adam began. “The kandarians told me she died shorty after they stabbed her and I must ask you, did you enjoy tearing out her throat just as much as you did making her into a disgusting monster?”

Robert snarled and lunged at him. Adam caught him with the pole. “Disgusting?” Robert scoffed “You were a fool to throw away such a powerful creature, I simply did what you could not and unlocked her full potential. Your failure gave me my queen.” The former clown smiled wickedly.

“Yeah from what I saw over there with the mob, it wasnt much potential.” Adam smirked.

“You’re wrong. I think someone is jealous that their own creation has surpassed them.” Robert growled. Adam threw him off and slammed him into the back of a large tree. The former clown sneered and smashed his forehead into his opponent’s skull. They both stumbled then Adam roared and sprinted forward. Robert snarled back and met his assault with a charge of his own both headed straight for each other in a final burst of energy. With only one coming out on top.

Leech jogged out of the alleyway with the burlap sack slung over her shoulder the little pumpkin spirit nowhere to be found. Her small army of monsters followed behind her if she couldn’t find Samhain at least she could lead her troops into battle. And they would fight, no Pennywise meant no illusions and no illusions meant Derry was no longer safe for killers. She froze when she got to the tree the mob in back of her slowing to a stop as well. A man in a Spiderman costume stood pinned against it. A metal rod pierced through his gut and into the bark behind him. His body hung limp and blood dripped down from his plump soft lips. The vampire’s entire world crumbled in mere seconds. She was too late, Robert Gray was dead.

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Whoops I killed the clown.

[topsolarpanels]

Encyclopaedia Westerosa: the biggest Game of Thrones mysteries, solved

How big is Westeros? What is wildfire? And how rich are the Lannisters? Ten things you didnt know about the biggest show in the world

Warning: this piece contains spoilers for seasons 1-5 of Game of Thrones .

When George RR Martins stabby saga was adapted for TV in 2011, perhaps the biggest topic surrounding it was: why would any self-respecting adult watch a fantasy series about dragons, zombies and sorcery? Well, six seasons in, the folly of that way of thinking has been exposed like a member of the Nights Watch trapped north of the Wall. Game of Thrones is now a global preoccupation.

Much of that success is down to the detailed world created by Martin and brought to vivid and sometimes visceral life on the demonstrate. From the frozen north to the intrigue-filled chambers of Kings Landing, Westeros is a place steeped in mythos and mystery, familiar yet so alien. Even now, theres still so much we dont know about the place, so many questions that need answering. But while youve already read 713 blogs about whether or not Jon Snow has carked it, there are deeper mysteries about Game of Thrones that have never been properly addressed. Ahead of the proves season six premiere, we get to grips with Westeross biggest hows, whys and whats. Answers are coming …

Why is a White Walker able to walk ?

All white on the night. Photograph: Allstar

The blue-eyed ghouls in dire need of a dermatologist definitely have the appearance of being dead all exposed skeletons and rotted bits but are they? And, if so, how is it that they can move around and stab things in the face? It is possible to stimulate nerve and muscle electrically and cause it to contract even when isolated from the body, says Dr Matthew James Mason, university physiologist at Cambridge. If the brain dies that doesnt mean that all the other tissue of the body immediately dies, too. But, despite their appearance, White Walker arent mindless zombies, so brain death cant have resulted. My guess is that they arent dead at all, says Mason. If they look like they are decay, perhaps their immune system is compromised. Are they just frost, scurvy-ridden wretches in need of a hug? They probably require medical help and sympathy, argues Mason. Poor sods. The next time you assure one, then, perhaps chuck it an orange and a coat and dont be so quick to judge, yeah? LH

How rich are the Lannisters ?

Warriors Dance: Tywin Lannister. Photograph: HBO

They fund wars, boast one hell of a property portfolio and own actual gold mine. If a Lannister always pays their indebtedness, it can be safely assumed theyve got a few quid in the kitty. Dr Charles Insley, senior lecturer in medieval history at the University of Manchester, guesses drawing a parallel with a real-life example may be the key to finding out how many. Richard Neville[ 1428 -1 471] was the richest peer in England on his death, says Insley. Nevilles sister Cicely was also married to Richard, Duke of York, and it was the collective wealth and therefore capability to buy subsistence that constructed the Neville/ York confederation so dangerous. The Nevilles are likely to be worth more than the crown. All sounds very Lannisterian, right? But come on how rich would the Nevilles/ Lannisters be in todays fund? Billions?$ 2bn doesnt seem too little, I suppose. So, the most influential family in Westeros is only half as wealthy as Donald Trump? Thats not fretting at all. LH

Is it really possible for winter to last a generation ?

Snow help at all. Photograph: Helen Sloan/ HBO

House Starks ominous catchphrase winter is going is partly a callback to an extended cold snap 8,000 years ago when White Walker had the run of Westeros. How could one winter last 100 years? Scientific theories include the planet wobbling on its axis or having an eccentric orbit; writer George RR Martin himself says its only down to sorcery. In our world, there is a( comparatively) recent precedent a 70 -year Little Ice Age spanning the 17 th and 18 th centuries that refrigerated western Europe. It went on for several decades, crops failed, the Thames froze over, explains Professor Jim Wild, space physicist at Lancaster University. Research presents it also coincided with a period of unusually low sunspot activity. Less solar energy can have a major consequence on climate patterns. If winter is coming again the poor serf of the north should start saving up for a package vacation to Dorne. If I saw myself in that situation, Id start heading south, says Wild. It should be a bit warmer nearer the equator. GV

What is it with all the castrating ?

Conleth Hill as Varys and Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister. Photograph: HBO

Daenerys Targaryens army of Unsullied soldiers are upper-class warriors who were castrated in infancy that are intended to attain them more focused, loyal and fearless. But is this really what happens when your tackle is chopped off? Dr Shaun Tougher, reader in ancient history at Cardiff University, is sceptical. We do assure the idea that eunuchs are chaste and loyal, but we also assure the inverse: that theyre tormented and frustrated. Eunuch soldiers arent at all common in history, but the idea of eunuch generals is quite prevalent theres a very famous Byzantine eunuch general called Narses in the 6th century AD. Because of their status as luxury objects, many eunuchs who originated in the slave trade ended up serving at court, like wily manipulator Varys. Varys is in some ways the archetypal court eunuch. Although I was quite surprised when it was revealed that his castration was done by a sorcerer. Seems like the notion of using a mans lunchbox for sorcery purposes is a pure cock-and-balls narrative. SR

Could person genuinely become a dragons mother ?

Dragons den. Photograph: HBO

From the ashes of a Dothraki funeral pyre, Daenerys Targaryen emerged with three ferociously loyal newborn dragons hanging off her. In the real world, newborn lizards are genetically hardwired to be much more independent. Weve hatched dragon eggs here, explains Matt Cook, lead keeper at Chester Zoo, currently home to six Komodo dragons. But if you were to try and approach them, they would attack you rather than snuggle your hair. Theyre intelligent but they have to be selfish because its genuinely the only way to survive. They may never truly love you but it is possible to develop your dragon. Daenerys hollers Dracarys! when she wants some barbecuing done but Cook favor a system that involves a traffic cone, a audio clicker and a tiny meaty reward to wrangle his charges. They tolerate humans, genuinely, he says. Once they get to a certain size, they know theyre the upper part of the food chain so they can be quite arrogant; they think theyre untouchable. But they can also be very chilled. Khaleesi does it. GV

How long would it take to build the Wall ?

High and fighty: The Wall. Photograph: HBO

482 kilometres long. 213 metres high. 91 metres thick. In reality, a wall of this size constructed entirely of ice would collapse under its own weight. But this is Westeros, a world where dragons roam and Little Fingers accent is never questioned, so lets crunch some numbers. Its estimated that when building the Great Pyramid, a workforce of, on average, 14,567 people running 10 -hour days laid around 180 blocks per hour. Now, if the ice bricks making up The Wall are a metre squared, it would contain in the region of 9,342, 606,000( thats 213 x 91 x 482,000, maths fans ). At a sensible-sounding 180 blocks laid per minute, it would take the same workforce 51,903, 367 hours to construct The Wall. Thats 5,921 years. So, we have to assume Brandon the Builder who legend has it enlisted the help of giants had a much larger workforce than this. Even with 100 times the pyramids workforce, 14,567, 000 employees, it would take over 59 years to build. All sounds like a little bit of a faff, genuinely. LH

Why is the Seven Kingdoms in debt ?

A loan in the dark: Jamie and Cersei Lannister. Photograph: HBO

A costly five-way civil war has forced the Seven Kingdoms to go cap in hand to the Iron Bank Of Braavos. Dr James Davis, senior lecturer in medieval history at Queens University Belfast, watches a parallel with Edward III, who borrowed heavily from Italian banks. But he was a step ahead of the Lannister dynasty. Edward III was quite canny: at the same as fighting a war he was developing parliament to extract more taxation without too much unrest. At the heart of every medieval king, whatever their aspirations, it was always about where you could get the money. Davis suggests that the Seven Kingdoms needs to abandon its feudalist structures and fast. There isnt much sign of development of trade and industry. It absence stable laws that would allow entrepreneurism to emerge. Otherwise a peasants revolt is a possibility only around the corner: In a real society, thered be more riots. SR

Whats my best opportunity of beating The Mountain in a duel ?

Fight the power: Hafthr Jlus Bjrnsson, left, as Gregor The Mountain Clegane. Photograph: Alamy

Even in Westeros, a land not exactly lacking in murderous mercenaries, Gregor The Mountain Clegane is a lethal legend. So how would a layman go about tackling him in a trial by combat? Martin Oz Austwick is the founder of the English Martial Arts Academy, offering class in historical European swordsmanship. His strategy? Like the Red Viper, choose a long weapon to try to match the range of the Mountains terrifying greatsword: A spear would be good, although Id personally favor a quarterstaff. Also, forgo armour to allow yourself greater mobility and focus on injuring Cleganes massive hands: if he cant wield his weapon, he cant cleave you in twain with it. One debate in our community is whether targeting hands is an acceptable technique, says Austwick. It might seem dishonourable but against the Mountain, doing the British thing and being polite would be your undoing. So my advice would be to fight as dirty as you can. GV

How big is Westeros ?

In continents: one of Game of Thrones filming locations. Photograph: Alamy

George RR Martin has stated that Westeros is roughly the size of South America, which would make sense for a continent with climates that range from the frozen wastes north of the Wall to the balmy water gardens of Dorne in the south. Utilizing measurements given in the series, the width of Westeros is calculated to be around 3,000 miles the distance from the tip of Norway to the Red Sea and with a population of 20 -4 0 million. The topography stimulates sense for the most part, reckons Simon Willcocks of Ordnance Surveys consultancy and technical services squad. All kinds of stuff from deserts to river deltas, marshy bog, mountain passes, but nothing outlandish. But if Westeros is so big, how come the main characters manage to keep bumping into each other? Its a very long and narrow continent with few roads and river intersects, reasons Willcocks. As for Essos, a continent that Varys seems to traverse at will but that has taken Daenerys at the least five series to cross well, thats for another day. SR

What is wildfire ?

Burning down the House: Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister.

Joffreys victory at the Battle of Blackwater Bay during which the king-youd-love-to-slaps forces defended Kings Landing from Stannis Baratheon owed largely to Tyrion Lannisters procurement of an explosive known as wildfire. The resultant blue-green flames tore through Stanniss fleet like a longsword through the back of Ned Starks neck. But what the blaze is it? Dr Richard Henchman, senior lecturer in theoretical chemistry at the University of Manchester, draws comparisons to the historical episode of Archimedess fire to destroy Roman ships, which utilized mirrors to focus the sunlight rays into deadly beams. It is also similar to Greek flame, a Byzantine weapon able to burn on water, reminiscent of a crude kind of napalm. From a compositional standpoint, though, wildfires colouring suggest a copper compound. Perhaps what we have is a copper oxide/ magnesium thermite? It looks like sorcery to me, says Henchman. Oh. Never mind then. LH

Game of Thrones Season 6 starts 2am, Sunday 24 April and repeats 9pm, Monday 25 April on Sky Atlantic

This article was amended on the 15 th April to country the workforce necessary to build the wall in 59 years is 100 times that used to build The Great Pyramid , not 10

Read more: www.theguardian.com

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