#but this class keeps throwing me curve balls and im not doing Bad but not good enough to the point that I feel sick to my stomach

[bare1ythere]

-

[feeltripping]

Clarkcest and 20?? bc aaaangsts?

things you said I wasn’t meant to hear

clarkcest (incest tw) under the cut

1. 

Alicia is five and she can’t sleep because the tree outside her window creaks its branches against the glass and she just heard a story at preschool about witches long claw fingernails scratching their way into little girl’s bedroom in the middle of the night. 

She’s got her bear in one hand and the thumb of the other in her mouth against her tongue and she’s wearing the fluff socks her father gave her for Christmas so her feet don’t make noise against the hardwood floors and she todders down the hall towards her parents bedroom, the light glowing beneath the crack of the closed door. She stops outside it and looks up at the doorknob. 

it’s what the doctors say we should do, maddie.

Alicia reaches up for the handle, going on her tiptoes.

she’s fine. nick tested high intelligence, why--

She drops her bear and squeaks in apology, scooping him up and dusting him off, spit wet thumb matting his fuzz down. 

nick has nothing to do with this--

She kisses his bead nose and his plastic button eyes and tucks him up safe under her arm. 

attachment disorder--

She sucks at her thumb until the bear taste has faded and then wipes it off on the leg of her jammies, clumsy and not all the way clean when she stops. She thinks vaguely of the witch again and is reminded of her mother’s fingernails, the sheen of them and how they bite when they grip her tiny wrist.

--swear, it’s like you really love her less.

“Licia,” Nick whispers from behind her. She turns with a chubby grin and lifts her arms. He kneels down and his ear to the door and his face does something funny before he lifts her up and tucks her against his chest. “C’mon Leesh. You don’t need this.”

She snuggles under his sheets and he kisses her forehead and adjusts her bear against her side and he keeps her warm and safe until the sun’s up too high for the witch to catch her.

2. 

Alicia goes to her DARE class with her pigtails and her gel pens and her purple glitter notebook with the tiny lock and the flimsy aluminum key and takes notes on what the powerpoint says while her classmates chew gum and blow bubbles and pass notes, because she’s practicing for Berkeley; Nicky already bought her the pennant.

They show pictures on the projector and Alicia tries to draw them in her notes. Nick bought her a piggybank for christmas and she’s saving for a camera--it’ll be so much easier to take pictures of the presentations instead of drawing the image slides by hand. They put up another picture and say it’s a pipe and that smoking is bad and then start talking about lungs and nicotine and cancer but her fingers are frozen on her pen.

She goes home and walks through the whole house, opening the closets and the cabinets and even the laundry machines to make sure she’s alone before she goes into Nick’s room and crawls under his bed to find the little black case. She opens it and sees the pipe, just like on the slide, and sits on the edge of the bed and cries without quite knowing why. 

She falls asleep curled up into a ball with her face pressed into his pillow, and wakes when she hears the front door open shut.

just let me grab my stash--don’t eat those, that’s for my sister’s lunch. 

she’s just managed to sit up when he comes in and stops short at the sight of her, before his eyes drop to her lap and his face goes tight and furious. she looks down and freezes, his case in her hands, open and the hint of curved glass. he advances on her before she can protest and snatches it away and shoves her back with a hand to her shoulder--surprised, she flops back onto the bed and struggles back upright. “Nicky--”

“This is mine,” he says, grabbing her by the front of her shirt and dragging her to her feet. “You can’t just come in here and take my stuff, Alicia!”

Alicia struggles not to cry. She’s never seen him like this, not even when she reached up to the stove and burned her hand because she wanted mac and cheese and didn’t wait for him to fix her a bowl and he shouted at her until she sobbed and crawled under her bed and refused to come out even though he brought ice cream and apologized until his voice went out. She yelps when he shakes her, her teeth clicking together painfully. “I’m sorry,” she says, half bewildered and almost scared, “I didn’t mean--”

He shoves her away again and she falls to the floor, scrambling to keep her feet under her as he grabs her jacket, catching some of her hair in his grip, and drags her out to push her back into the hall. “If you ever,” he threatens, “touch this again--” he stops. Looks at her sprawled out on the carpet with her fresh rug burn knees and her big wet eyes and betrayed hitch breathing. He reaches out again and stops when she flinches. “It could hurt you,” he says, picking her up gently and curling his arms around her when she burrows into him, hurt and confused and missing him so sharply even though he’s pressed all against her. “Promise me?”

“Okay,” she promises. She stays there, frozen, while he walks back out and greets his friend, heading for the door. 

let’s go---no one, just my stupid kid sister

3.

Alicia packs her backpack. First aid kit and the emergency satellite radio with fresh batteries and three bottles of water, anti-vomiting syrup and vitamin bottles and over the counter painkillers. She takes the boxcutter from the garage and tucks it into her hoodie pocket where she can curl her fingers around the metal handle and rest her thumb on the plastic slider that presses the blade out. 

She finds him in the third place she checks. It’s a house like any other and she thinks sometimes the movies really get it wrong as she smiles her way past the middle aged couple who answers the door and pretends she’s there for the party in the back guesthouse. She asks around and heads upstairs and hears him, behind a closed door to her left.

--just until my sister’s eighteen. then i’m out of here, forever. and im never coming back.

Alicia goes home. She walks the whole way and there’s a dull ache in the balls of her feet where she wore her converse down to thin rubber. she flips her lock and throws the backpack across the room and shatters every last one of the porcelain horses her father bought to decorate her dresser and walks on the shards until she leaves bloody footprints down the hall to the kitchen. Her mother keeps vodka in the freezer and she drinks it out by the pool with the chlorine sting a good excuse for her tears.

4.

Alicia is cutting class because why the fuck not, her attendance is nearly perfect anyway. she goes home and sees a car she doesn’t know parked on the curb outside. it’s a shitty honda and there’s a roach in the cup tray between the seats and she sighs as she unlocks the door. there’s vomit in the kitchen sink, all liquid, and she can hear a girl giggling down the hall.

nicks heavy breathing and the creak of the mattress and a girl moaning like alicia’s only ever heard in the porn she watched with her blanket over her head and her earphones turned way down low and she’s frozen outside his door, hand outstretched for the knob.

yes plea-se nicky

her lip curls up. she snarls, soundless, and is one second from turning to stomp away and slam her door real loud and hope they think it’s madison come home early--

licia. licia, god, leeshy

5. 

The boat rocks her to sleep and everything is still sort of awful but it’s been awful for so long it’s more of a background feeling than anything that affects her mood. She’s mostly clean and the ocean is calm and she loves the sky spread overhead and she doesn’t even mind waking up every so often to listen to the wood creak and the waves lap against the hull.

she swims up from sleep into a vaguely drowsy half-consciousness and she smells him before she realizes he’s bent over her. end of the world and blood and tepid recycled ocean water and none of their soaps from home and she still knows him instantly. he touches her wrist and tucks the blanket up around her chin and kisses her temple, barely there. his voice is hoarse and broken and she wonders vaguely when the last time it was that he was clean this long. 

i’m sorry. i love you leesh. but i can’t stay.

[imsarabum]

Responses to {Part 15} I Won’t Stop You // Jeon Jungkook, Vampire!AU Asks~

Please ‘Keep Reading’ to find my response to your ask ^^ As always, I have copied and pasted all asks into this post in regards to last night’s chapter to avoid clogging up people’s dashboards and to avoid spoilers for those who may still wish to read the chapter. Thank you ^^

ALSO I have included asks I received to do with IWSY in the hours leading up to before I posted it because there was a few! So if you sent in an ask to do with IWSY and I didn’t post it - it will be in this post!

@kpopppimagines said: *Looks at clock, notices time, starts to dance strangely and do weird jazz hand motions* Wooooooooo yeahhhhhhhh! So excited! Xx 🙌🏼🙌🏼💕

Ahhh I really hope you liked the chapter love!

Anonymous said: Hope the new chapter will be as great as the rest!! Really looking forward to what direction the story will go in❤️❤️

I hope it lived up to your expectations :D

@mocking-butts said: I'm probably way too excited for this chapter because holy moly i need more!!! Honestly one of my favorite fanfics i love it <3

I really hope you enjoyed it my dear ^^ Thank you very much!

@audreymv said: I wanna kill Yoongi like mate I UGH I CANT. Like why and now Jungkook cant tell her his secret just omg everything os crashing down. I love this so mich but Yoongi he is ooooo on my list in this fanfic. Loving it so far 😘😘😘

Just when he was about to tell her :c How can he tell her now?! heh ^^ Thank you so much for reading it!

Anonymous said: Wow, new chapter of IWSY was really good! I'm so glad to finally get some backstory on the reader, but I kind of feel bad for Jungkook now.. Because how will the reader react when he tells her? And Yoongi's going to the ball so she'll recognise him.. Ahhh! Well, I suppose there's nothing to do but patiently wait. Stay healthy and keep up the hard work! Thanks

I’m so happy you thought it was good! I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how she will react when/if he tells her ^^ lol Thank you so much for reading and I hope you stay healthy too!

@loverofotome said: 😱😱 IT'S THEIR FATE TO BE TOGETHER 😱😱 I was definitely not expecting that. Yoongi seems to think there's something special about her and I can't help but wonder what that is. Ahhh! I love your writing and it's so good, as always. I can't wait until next week!

IT WAS DESTINY~~ hehe ^^ I wonder what’s so special about her? I guess we will have to wait to find out :D Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have an awesome day :)

@doubletroublesince1994 said: NOPE. NEVER EXPECTED THIS. BUT THIS. HOW DARE YOU. OMGGGG WHY DO I FEEL LIKE YOU LEFT ME WITH A CLIFFHANGER EVEN IF IT ISN'T ONE?????? UGH I LOVE YOU.

I am very very sorry c: hehe~ I love you too and thank you very much for reading the chapter!!

Anonymous said: oh my gosh, yoongi.. what he did was so cruel. and that's why he's looking for y/n... i'm really curious about when and what's going to happen when y/n finds out jungkook is a vampire

Why did he do it though? And what’s the reason he is looking for her? Is it to just dimply finish what he began? If so - is he going to go looking for Sid, too? ;o SO many questions! haha ^^ Thank you for reading the chapter!

@omelys-space said: IT ALL CONNECTS GOD DAMN! Like how amazing is this update 😍 I am honestly excited for every update you post and they never let me down   Thank you ❤

I’m so happy that you can see it all connecting and beginning to come together to make a bigger picture! There is still much more to come :D hehe Thank you very much and it makes me happy that you said I never let you down. Thank you!

Anonymous said: Honestly this fan fiction is one of the best things I've ever read. I hate reading, but this story has changed my perspective about it! IWSY is also the first long fanfic that I've read heh~ I just want you to know that I think you are a really good writer and the stories that you make are amazing! I am in love with this story!❤️❤️  -Ro (you don't know me but I'm gonna put my name anyway☺️)

Hi Ro! :D Ahhh thank you so much for your wonderful words, I’m smiling so much! And thank you also for reading my series and I’m so happy that you’re enjoying it ^^

@deangetoutofmyspleen said: IM S C R E A M I NG I DIDNT EXPECT THAT AT ALLLLLL FUCJSKSKKFMFMGMDMAMZMXMXKSK I LOVE

YAAAAAY I’m glad I could surprise you! I think a lot of people thought it was either going to be Yoongi or Jungkook that had something to do with her parents death. But in a way - they both did, I guess :D Thank you so much for reading the update!!

@im-so-scared-aaaa said: Ok, I'm suppose to be studying, but now I'm shooked ^^ Thank you😿

I hope you managed to get back to studying you naughty child! c: Haha thank you so much for reading it and I hope you enjoyed it too!

Anonymous said: That curveball thoooooooo I don't want jungkook to be hurt :"( how is he ever going to tell reader about his secret like this 😰😰😰😰

I know :( How could you ever tell someone that after what they just told you? :(

Anonymous said: OMG This chapter give me chills!!! It's amazing, I am loving how the plot starts to thicken ... things are about to get a while lot more intense and complicated isn't it ?!😏 I honestly can't wait for the update , thank you so much for updating every week. I Love you and you writing so much❤

I’m so happy I could give you chills c: And...it may possibly get more complicated and intense from this moment on...yes c: Thank you so much for reading and I love you too! Have an awesome day :D

Anonymous said: Ah this chapter was so angsty... I never read angst but You did so well!! Ta! x  U.K. Anon :)

I do enjoy writing angst a lot :) It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written something very angsty since my Who Are You? series! Thank you so much fellow U.K anon!

@moonlighthollow said: I somehow new that her parents were killed by a vampire But Holy shit it's yoongi He's scary af 😐 Poor brother😭 Poor girl😭 And poor jungkookie😭 It was good as always tho😅😊

Idk about you but evil Yoongi gives me such a sexy vibe isfskdgksjng lol Thank you for reading the update and I hope you have a wonderful day babe!

Anonymous said: I don't know if I'm shivering because it's cold in my room, or because of ch 15 of IWSY... Oh my fxxking god!!!! I mean, there were hints, so the plot doesn't come as much as a surprise, but the writing style had me sucked into the story completely! Loved it! 👏🏻💕

I am also shivering but my reason is that it is DEFINITELY cold right now TT I want it to be summer already I’m so DONE with the cold lol Thank you very much for reading the update and I hope you’ll enjoy the future chapters too!

Anonymous said: I LOVE YOU AND WRITING SOOO MUCH!!! ❤❤❤

I LOVE YOU TOO THANK YOU BABE! :D

Anonymous said: Hi Sara!! I'm the anon that had that super late 7:45 class, so I couldn't read IWSY a couple weeks ago when it updated. ANYWAYS, I usually post some kind of ask to you every update you have, but the past couple weeks I haven't been able to because of school T.T SO, I wanted to finally message you again and tell you how WONDERFUL IWSY is! Not gonna lie, it is my ALL TIME FAVORITE FIC that I have ever found on Tumblr! Like the last couple chapters with the smut.. WOO DAMN GIRL. (cont.) Usually I read the smut for the smut (lol), BUT when I read those chapters, I was so engrossed in the story that I wanted to know what was going to happen next more than reading more smut X3. AND THEN YOU HAD TO COME OUT WITH THIS NEXT CHAPTER AND HOT DAMN. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. IVE BEEN TRYING TO GET MY FRIENDS TO READ IWSY SO THAT I CAN TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT BUT NO ONE WILL LISTEN TO ME >.< Anyways, keep up the good work! You keep throwing curve balls my way gah damn. (2/2) - 7:45 anon

Hello 7:45 anon! That’s okay, I completely understand and you don’t have to apologise or explain yourself because school/work is important and I’m glad you’re focused on your studies! But thank you so much for reading and catching up with the series, and I’m really happy that you’re liking it ^^ Awwww I hope once of your friends reads it too so you guys can talk about it with each other! That’s so cute haha c: Thank you so much and I hope you have a great week :D

Anonymous said: BRRROOOOOOOOOHMYGOD WHAT THE FUCK HWAT THE FUCK WHAT THE F U C K OOOHHHH MY GOD!!!! pls tell me the next chapter is the charity ball I'm READY for the action the drama GIRL PLS I cannot wAIT GIRL!!! That chapter had me yelling at the top of my lungs 😱😱😱

*giggles* thank you so much for reading! The ball will come soon - I promise! Just hold on tight a bit longer :D I hope you enjoyed it my dear!

@fashionkilla124 said: I love you. That I won't stop you story just stopped my heart. I honestly knew yoongi had something to do with but when I found out yoongi killed her parents I was like NOOOOI NOT MY BABY YOONGI AWWW LAWD TAKE THE WHEEL PLEASE. I cant wait for next week I'll probs have a heart attack next chapter

Awh I love you too :D hehe~ Evil baby Yoongi what is he doing :c lol thank you so much for reading the update and I really hope you’ll look forward to next week too!!

Anonymous said: Omg poor Sid 😞 he was only four...DAMMIT Yoongi

I know :( Poor Sid indeed - but I wonder why Yoongi did it...;)

Anonymous said: Damn in the span of like four days (not including the hours they're at work) they've managed to christen every room the house, didn't you say there were like 13 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms, not to mention the kitchen, living room etc.?? Damn they got busy 😏

LOLOLOL they got busy indeed c: Haha it was more so meant as a sexually comedic idiom, but if it’s possible it’s possible! lol I hope you enjoyed the chapter my dear :D

Anonymous said: BISH. I'm jungshook rn. I can't. I love you. But why you play with my emotions like this? I love this story. I love you. I love Jungkook. I love the way chapter 15 snatched my edges and left them at a bus stop in Miami. You're the best. ~With love, New Kookie Anon

Hello new kookie anon! lol Jungshook~ I think everyone becomes a little Jungshook from time to time c: I love you too my dear!! I hope you got home safely from the bus stop in Miami xD thank you so much for reading the update!

Anonymous said: OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK AHHHHHH SARA OMG I CANT FUCKING EVEN OF COURSE YOONGI KILL ED Y/NS PARENTS AND NOW WANTS HER BLOOD. OMG OF FUCKING COURSE. I NEED TUESDAY TO COME BACK HOLY SHIT I'M SCREAMING SARA. Y DO YOU DO THIS TO ME. I CANT EVEN THINK CLEARLY THIS FUCKED ME UP THIS MADE MY DAY 10000X BETTER BECAUSE I HAD A SHITTY DAY. SO THANK YOU I LOVE YOU BUT FUCK OMG I AM SHOOK

OOOOOH BUT WHY DOES HE WANT HER BLOOD?! That’s the most important question ;D lolol I’m so glad I could make your day a little less shitter though c: I love you too and thank you so much for reading the new chapter my dear!

Anonymous said: OMG MY HEART! THIS WHOLE CHAPTER WAS JUST SO HAJSKCLZPAVAVAFUCABAKDLXLXNAL(ノﾟДﾟ)

AHHHHH I HOPE THAT’S A GOOD THING! I hope you enjoyed it ^^

Anonymous said: Oh mai gawdddd!!! Sara you're such a good writer! Part 15 of IWSY gave me the major feels!!!! Poor kookie... Halfway through part 15, I already knew what was going to happen before I read it, but you're so skilled that you still managed to make it sad T-T. I can't wait for part 16!!!

Ahhh thank you so much my darling :) You’re too kind to me! Thank you very much for reading the update and I hope you enjoy the next chapter as well!

Anonymous said: I cant believe Vampire evil yoongi was looking for y/n since back then ONG GET A LIFE LMAO love your serie💜

But remember that he has been locked up for the past 13 years! So he has had a lot of time to plan c: Thank you so much for reading and enjoying it my love ^^

Anonymous said: 😭😭 I wish it's a happy ending for Jungkook and Y/N, in the "I Won't Stop You" series. I love you Author-nim!

I wish for that too my dear! I love you too and thank you for reading my series *hugs* Have a wonderful day!

@jynxy24 said: SARA SARA SARA SARA SARA!!!! WHEN WILL JUNGKOOK TELL Y/N?! ARGHHHH YOU ARE PLAYING WITH MY FEELINGS! LIKE JUST WHEN HE WAS ABOUT TO TELL? COME ON!!! This is just like when I found out Who Are You was a dream. T.T But i still love your writing Sara! Great chapter today, stay awesome! 👅👅

But how can he tell her straight away now right after she just dropped that bombshell on him?! So many questions hehe :P I hope you enjoyed the chapter anyway my dear ^^ I hope you have a wonderful week and thank you so much for reading!

@lostheretics said: i thought they were going to the fundraising ball in part 15 but they had a deep talk instead asdfghjkl kill me rn bc y/n's secrets omg😭😭 iM STILL CONFUSED WHAT's THE SPECIAL THING THAT YOONGI WANTS FROM HER

Deep, heart to heart pillow talks are my fav thing in the world *feels very soft at this thought* ahhhh :c lolol And I guess you’ll just have to wait to find out why he wants her so badly! Hopefully, someone will be able to tell Jungkook too, before it’s too late...heh ^^ Thank you for reading my love and I hope you’re enjoying the story!

Anonymous said: oh my fucking god :( i hope y/n wont abandon jungkook once she found out he a whole dracula :(( oh my god no but then ill love that because I LOVE PAIN but no dont do it LMAO WAIT WILL Y/N RECOGNIZE YOONGI AT THE BALL HOLY FUCKING SHIT

I hope she won’t either :c He deserves to be loved since he is so capable of loving now! You masochist hehe (fucking same tho) c: Thank you so much for reading my dear!

Anonymous said: SO YOONGI HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR Y/N FOR YEARS NOW??? IT SEEMS LIKE Y/N'S PARENTS PROTECTED HERSMJWHFJD WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT ABT HER IS SHE SOME TYPE OF VAMPIRE GOD LIKE SOMEONE EVEN MORE SUPERIOR THAN JUNGKOOKS FAMILY?? IS THAT WHY YOONGI WANTS HER SO MUCH???

Well if you remember, Yoongi has been locked up for 13 years but has now only escaped with the help of Namjoon, Hoseok and Seokjin! Hehe I hope you enjoy how the story unfolds c: Thank you so much for reading!

Anonymous said: OMG THE BACK STORY I'M CRYING how will y/n react if jungkook tell her the truth bruh I can't take the suspense AND ALSO IS THE BALL NEXT WEEK???? I WANNA SEE HER DRESS OMG

In the story, Y/N and Jungkook are currently talking when it is Friday night - so the ball is on the Saturday; which is the next day! c: And yessssss! I wonder what type of dress Taehyung and Jimin are creating...I think it will be a masterpiece~ Thank you for reading my series! :D

@semisweetsuga said: MY HEART. SARA MY LOVE YOU HAVE HURT ME BUT I'M OKAY WITH IT BECAUSE THAT UPDATE WAS BEAUTIFUL. I LOVED IT SM GOOD JOB!!

I’m sorry for hurting your heart Koto :c Please forgive me ahhhhh. I love you a lot and thank you for always being so fucking awesome ^=^

@manibbunny said: i am sure that Y/N will be understanding of jungkook when he tells her about him being a vampire. she will get sad but she loves him and she knows he's different and won't do something like that ever again. loved the new chapter btw!

I hope she is understanding of Jungkook too! I think if you really love someone and have feelings for them like that - love can always find a way and triumph. So I hope that’s the case for Jungkook and Y/N too! Thank you for reading the update my love and I hope you enjoy the rest of the series too!

Anonymous said: Oh yoongi's been after OC since she was young.. Loved the chapter. I'm even more excited to find out what's special abt the OC. I wonder also why jungkook (and taehyung) dont know what's special if yoongi knows? (You dont need to answer that ofc. just me voicing my thoughts while reading). Looking forward to next tuesday~

Don’t worry - I always love to read people’s thoughts so think and say all you want! But yeah, you’re right - I won’t ever say whether is someone is wrong or right :3 Jungkook and Y/N will be talking with Taehyung and Jimin before the ball when they go to get her dress (which is the next day in the story if you remember ^^) So I wonder if something will happen then?! c: Thank you for reading and enjoying my series dear ^^ It means a lot to me!

@animeimmortal said: wow. Just wow. Like I am so curious as to how this is going to turn out but right now I'm just amazed omg

I hope you’ll enjoy how the story unfolds and pans out in time! Thank you for reading the update beautiful ^=^

@taekookiesandcream said: Sara, my love, part 15 was amazing! You keep out-doing yourself!! You're so so talented and I want you to know your very appreciated! Also, I feel really bad for only speaking to you when you update lol, I'll try and speak to you more often, pinky promise 🙋🏼💕

Ach, thank you so much my little flower ^^ And no oh my goodness don’t feel bad about doing that! You can always talk to me whenever you wish - my DMs are always open! (although I may not be able ot reply straight away due to work and Uni etc~ I will reply eventually lol!) Thank you so much dear :D

Anonymous said: SHIT JUST GOT REAL

YOU BET YOUR DAMN ASS IT GOT REAL HOHOHOHO

[on-the-brink-of-discovery]

What you should do vs. What you want to do

“If we were meant to be, we would have been by now” Billie Ellish sang over the car radio. She starts to cry. He doesn’t even consider how much he means to people- to her-, he still sends suicide memes to her even though she told him how much she hates them. 

They were were 18 when they met, just freshman in college. She, in a new state and him just 4 hours north of home. It really was some sort of fate. Abby became close with her first roommates pretty quickly, as well as their friends. Cassandra had a friend, Michael and that’s where they met. Soon after an introduction they began staying up talking overnight until 4 am at least. They would leave the dorm just to watch the sunrise, come back and crash. She never thought it would be possible to be late to a 2 pm class, until him. They stayed up all night and slept all day, Abby and him slowly grew together. It was October when they first slept together- just slept. When they first crawled in together into that twin sized college dorm bed she remembered a few weeks ago she told him “I don’t like to cuddle or touch that much” a lie. She always lied at the beginning when she met people, she’s still not really sure why. Maybe she likes throwing people curve balls and seeing if they’ll stick. She hoped he didn’t remember that. He put an arm around her and pulled her closer, she backed up to be as close as possible.  That first night she could barely sleep. He was so close and it had been so long since someone had held her like that. She focused on keeping her breath even and enjoying the moment. Somewhere along the way she must have fallen asleep because she woke up to being turned. She was a little startled at first, not remembering someone was with her, but she quickly recalled and let him turn her around to her back and get closer to her face. Her heart was beating out of her chest, attempting to keep her breath happen she waited. He was patient, he could always out wait her. Soon she felt a hand on her cheek, turning her face towards him. Both eyes were still closed, peeking when the other wasn’t looking. He slowly moved his face closer and closer until their lips were nearly touching. She would later find this is a game he liked to play involving him teasing her until she would make the first move. And he was good at this game because she is notoriously impatient and would make the first move. She let a few minutes pass and then moved her face forward and pressed her lips on his. And that was it.

The next few nights involved more sleeping together and more kisses each night. Then one night they went to a friends apartment on campus and got drunk. It was inevitable. They were walking home with their friends, unsure of how much they knew about what was going on. When they reached their dorm there were boys playing video games in the common area, naturally Michael stayed behind to play. Abby went upstairs with her roommates and got ready for bed but found herself making her way down the stairs with her blanket back to the common area. She wasn’t very tired and wanted to see him again. They were wrapping up the last few games so she sat on the couch and watched. One boy was playing with a rubix cube, she stated she had never been able to complete one entirely, just a single side. He let her have the rub cube and she solved a side then handed it back. He then proceeded to solve it, when there was only turn left to lock it into place he handed it to Abby allowing her to solve it. Soon after, Michael and her took off to his room. They were making out all the way there, through the stairs and the hall. She could have ripped his clothes off there. Once they were in bed she tried to start something (keep in mind both of us had roommates). She asked if he had a condom, he did. She wasn’t actually concerned, she had been on birth control for awhile and already knew his sexual history curtesy of all those late nights, but she realized it was something she should get in the habit of. It was drunk sex, embarrassing for both parties and really not great. She pulled the condom off trying to give him a hand job (WHY would she try and give someone a hand job with a condom on? IDK ask the drunk girl). They ended up falling asleep and when they woke up the roommate was gone and so they did a redo right then. The sex was good, not great but way better than her previous experiences. Soon hooking up and sleeping together became a regular thing. 

They went through a lot together. He and her both came for someone for the first time. They had had sex with other people, just nothing like this. They could go for 3 or 4 hours sometimes. There was so much sexual tension/passion between them, it really was something else. 

Neither of them wanted anything serious and she was leaving in winter anyway, taking a semester to get back surgery. He had just gotten out of a serious relationship. This was college! It was fun and good so why not just fuck while we could?

She flew down and stayed with him for spring break. They fucked and hung out the entire time. The months in between involved a lot of texting. Nothing super consistent but enough to keep her knowing she was wanted.

She moved back in Fall and was ready for the year. Except this time he wasn’t returning. Financials had gotten the best of him and he had to take a semester off. She was lonely but still had other friends, she worked on herself. He would come and visit and stayed with her and its the same story. One day he dropped “I love you” when they were on the couch. She had to ask him for clarification, she thought they didn’t want anything. He explained “I love you, but Im not in love with you”. This made her feel better and she realized she felt the same. She could trust him and be honest and communicate. They were comfortable with each other and she really enjoyed his company. It nice to be that way with someone.

Finally Spring came and they were both back at university. They were inseparable. They spent everyday and every night together. They cohabited her apartment and took on so many problems together, every once in awhile striking up a serious conversation to make sure both were on the same page. Neither of them wanted to date but they practically already were. They spent valentines day together, went grocery shopping together, ate together. He later admitted to creating an emotional dependency on her the semester. She grew weary of him always being there. There was another guy in her physics lab, Amir, that she was attracted to and they both advertised being single so she thought “why not?”. She began eating with Amir instead some days and kicked Michael out from sleeping there every now and then. She wanted her space back. It was hard to have someones stuff in your apartment and feel like you couldn’t breathe. At the time she had a lot of roommate drama and really couldn’t deal with so many things going on at the same time. Amir and her went nowhere, their personalities didn’t mesh and she found conversation often forced... there are some people you just don’t fit with. She found herself missing Michael’s familiar company.

At the end of the spring semester of their sophomore year, Abby stayed at Michael’s place back home for a week. It was so cool to get to see where he was from and explore his city. They were adventurous together.

Over the summer their contact was not great, it was like that a lot of the time. He was bad at communicating over technology and she understood that. Soon August came and he was flying up to visit family in New York. She took a train and met him in the city for a day. They acted like a real couple. Holding hands, kissing, dancing in public. They took pictures and went to museums, walked Central park. What a day. She felt brand new, like the past few months of minimal talking were nothing, it was worth it for a day of being a couple with him. They day in the city with him was adventurous and fun and crazy. She felt safe with him, like she could go anywhere and do anything. 

The day was soon over but he was coming to her hometown for a few days soon so it wasn’t too hard of a goodbye. He arrived a week later with his dad, step-mom and sister. This was a lot. His family meeting my family. My car was getting the final touches put on it and our dads even worked together on it while they were there. It was such an odd sight but I was happy he was there. He was coming to my uncles wedding with me on Sunday and on Monday they were leaving to road trip down to school. Saturday night there was a bonfire and they got drunk and high and fucked in a tent in her yard. On Sunday everyone was hungover so they did the one thing they could... kept drinking. Michael and Abby enjoyed the wedding, dancing and singing, he even danced with her mom *insert shocked face*. They snuck away from the wedding and got some alone time. She had missed him and the adventure he brought so much, but he was here now and that’s all that mattered.

The road trip was long but so perfect. They stopped in Maryland and got real crab cakes, took a break at the National Mall in D.C. and made it to South Carolina the first day. The car ride was filled with singing and laughter and feeding each other, and head of course because why not? They got a hotel room and had sex because what else were they going to do with a hotel room? They slept through breakfast and had to stop somewhere else but it oddly didn’t bother her. Usually those kinds of misguidances for plans would irritate her but nothing could kill her buzz. They drove for 4hours and 57 minutes, never stopped for gas and just barely made it there for check in at their new apartments. 

Junior year brought new struggles. She stayed at his apartment most days but he finally built his own computer so he was on that most of the time. She began feeling unappreciated, unwanted. She started to get the sense she was annoying him. It was a hard change but she figured this must have been what it felt like for him in spring. They had more conversations to make sure they were on the same page, she didn’t realize it yet but she was unsure of what she wanted. It became a problem. She was giving herself away and all he was doing was taking. Taking her time, energy, happiness. They made it through fall but winter break brought many difficulties. She was living with her original roommates from freshman year again and Michael was hanging out with Cass a lot again. Over winter break she spent most of her time with him, they lived close and could. Abby was stuck to drive alone to and from CT. It was lonely and tiring, especially without Michael. 

When they returned from break something was different. She had resolved not to build walls up because she was exhausted. Building walls just to break them can really take an emotional toll on someone. He had opted to spend New Years with Cassandra and did not let her drive down to hang out too. They finally returned and things were strange. She had to talk to him. She was starting to expect things and get her feelings hurt. She vocalized what she wanted and felt, essentially asking if there was a future, or if he could reciprocate her love, affection and care that she was giving. He told her he could but that he still didn’t want a relationship. He wasn’t ready to put himself out there to get hurt. They talked until 7 am and then resolved to pick it up another day. 

After a week of being neglected and really pushed aside. she had it. They hadn’t slept together, he asked her not to come over. He hung out every day in her apartment with Cassandra and rarely came to see me of talk to me. On Saturday they finally talked. It was painful and sad but she went into the room knowing that it was probably going to end. She didn’t want it if someone could so easily push her aside and hurt her. He was knowingly hurting her and she knew that meant he didn’t care, he just wanted her around. He didn’t know how to treat someone that loved him, or didn’t want to. She told him all the things bothering her about the week and he rationalized some. She told him all the things bothering her about them and he couldn’t do anything. It was clear that after 2.5 years they were no longer on the same page. They never had been on a date, were never in a real relationship, but they had done so much. They came together, they were each others longest relationship, they slept together, partied together, went out to eat, bought each other food, said “I love you”, cared for each other. They were real together. They resolved to be friends. Abby could feel her heart crack. “If he doesn’t want me that’s fine there are plenty of people that do” she thought. And she's right... she hopes. It’s only been 3 days since. She was tired from crying and from work. She went to counseling and talked about her feelings and was starting to reconnect with her roommates. She knew this was for the better. She needed someone to grow with her and help her grow. An independent male that could take care of himself. She needed more than Michael cold have been. It didn’t make it hurt less.