#but y'all should cuz it was satisfying af

[callsignbaphomet]

Day idk what of this crap:

I'm coughing like a motherfucker who's been smoking since he was 4.

It's hot as shit all but if I turn on a fan or the ac I start coughing like crazy so I either bare it and sit there with 50 pounds of sweat or be comfortable and cough till my head hurts.

No matter how long I shower I feel disgusting. Just outright disgusting.

I'm thirsty af but water tastes super gross and isn't satisfying. No real appetite either.

I've gotten to the point where I'm resenting my mom for this. I have never met someone so irresponsible. I thought I was irredeemably irresponsible but this woman beat me by a lot.

Y'all please take care of yourselves. I know I should be grateful cuz this shit WILL kill you but I'm just steaming mad right now. Don't go out if you can help it and if you see some dumb motherfucker acting stupid spray 'em with alcohol. And if you can beat your governor/mayor/whoever the fuck is in charge that says "masks aren't mandatory" with a bat to death? Do it.

[amarriageoftrueminds]

@sherlocks-freebitch replied to your post “@ the Lord for that elaborately world-built and sexually restrained...”

PLEASE TELL US MORE

*interrupts you halfway through sentenceWELL IF YOU INSIST...* 

The meetcute was on the continent somewhere, there was this Napoleonic War business going on and British tourists debating whether to leave their resorts (currently full up with soldiers and politicians and their families). 

Erik was some kind of kick-ass Captain and notorious rake who got wounded in a woodland skirmish when the army ran away tactically retreated, thus leaving him temporarily behind enemy lines, so he had this long shallow sabre cut right across his back, and ended up in a little genteel spa town where half the buildings had been blown to bits by cannon fire. 

And Logan was his no-shit-taking batman (who had a pair of sabres strapped on his back), who was like ‘welp we need someone to stitch that up bub’ (because apparently there were no doctors available nearby... for some reason...) 

And Erik was all ‘don’t be stupid man everyone knows the only people who’re any good at sewing are omegas and we’re all alphas -- where’re we going to find an omega in this town??’ 

Enter stage right: Charles Xavier, wealthy bluestocking, and widower, who considers himself far too old to be re-marry-able because of his advanced age of eight-and-twenty, who happened to be in town because his pain-in-the-ass sister had run off to follow a young gentleman she wanted to elope with who was some ambassador’s assistant. 

So in bustles Charles, looking as knackered and stressed out as Erik feels (because he’s been kept awake by cannon fire and trying to talk said idiot sister into coming home with him). He’s not a medical doctor but his father was a great Physician who taught him a lot, and he’s like ‘right! off with your shirt, let’s have a look at you!’ 

And they were just quietly flirting with each other as Charles stitched Erik up, y’know, an unwed omega, alone in a room, with a strange alpha, who is in a serious state of undress; situation would be completely unacceptable and scandalous in polite society but is excusable here because There Is A War On. 

And Erik was peering at him like ‘wow, this gentleman’s got a really good complexion for a beta... and those eyes! and Byron himself would be proud of that mouth! and he smells amazi- WAIT A SECOND- you’re an omega?!’

And after he realised, every time Erik said/did something flirty Charles was just giving him a stern Look and shutting him down or jabbing him with the needle but secretly enjoying himself a bit. 

And there was a bit where Charles accidentally complimented Erik’s body by assuming he must wear corsets to get that shape (which is something men did do at the time and a bunny I’ve had for. ever.)

It went: 

C: Well you’re lucky, it’s a nice narrow slice - your stays must have held the wound closed.

E: ...My stays? 

C: Yes. You know. Your stays. Whatever you wear to keep your body in that ridiculous shape. Honestly! I know you military fellows like to cut a dash, but wearing corsets into battle is carrying it a little far, don’t you think?

And Erik was all like ‘do go on’ and tricked Charles into feeling his abs up for any bruises or pinch marks his corsets might have left, and Charles jerking his hand away in shock when he realised Erik really is that shape, it’s all real, he doesn’t wear corsets. 

And as they were chatting over the course of Charles stitching him Erik realised he was a proper gentleman not to be taken advantage of (like the kind of omega you usually find following the army), and when they went to say goodbye Erik straightened up and became all formal and respectful and Charles was trying to be all disapproving and ‘don’t think you can get round me with that charm I know just what you’re up to buster’ but a bit flustered all the same because Erik kissed his hand and hoped to be allowed to call on him whenever he’s next in London. 

And after Charles left and the rest of Erik’s garrison occupied the town he was like ‘oh by the way Logan just let the fellows know that there’s an omega in town and he is a gentleman to be treated as such and if I hear anyone has been importuning him they’ll be up for a court martial before their feet can touch the fuckin’ ground.’

.

And much later down the line they met up in London where Erik spotted Charles across the room at Almack’s. 

(That’s a really-tame posh assembly room in London where the high society went to introduce their daughters to the marriage market -- Erik was only going because one of his superior officers was there with his wife and daughters and he wanted to sneakily speak to him.)

And he spotted Charles across the room, sitting against the wall with all the ‘other’ old spinsters and widows who are NOT DANCING, because no one would ask them, and Erik was just like daaamn because before he’d only ever seen Charles in dishevelled travelling clothes but here is Charles in all his fashionably-bedecked omega glory. 

Oh! Oh! And the fashions! There were different fashions of evening dress for each gender! 

The alphas were in dark colours - the men in breeches, coats, and waistcoats, the women in breeches, coats, and bustiers, or v-neck dresses split to the hip with breeches underneath (because the style is supposed to be demure colours but really good tailoring, to show off an athletic body). 

The betas were like dandies, with more vivid colours and patterns and frills and jewellery (more eye-catching, cuz they don’t have the pheromones to help them be attractive). 

The omegas were all in pale colours, (tho the married ones could go darker/more patterned: the reason Charles was a bit difficult to read as an omega for Erik is cuz he has a touch of the beta-dandy about him; more pattern and colour than you’d expect on an omega, since he’s a widower.) 

The females were in empire-line dresses, as you’d expect, standard Regency fare, and the male omegas were like male alphas only the fabrics were softer and they had no neck-ties, so under the waistcoats the shirts were open to the upper/mid chest (it was all about having the neck exposed, for both kinds of omega, because that’s where the bond-mark goes and all the nice scent-places are) and their cuffs were open, too, to leave the wrists accessible (a bit more like the Georgian fashions, when everything was lace).

So Erik went over to ask Charles to dance and there was all this scandalised whispering going on because in London he has this reputation as a womaniser and Byronic bad-boy and Charles’ friends were all like no Charles don’t associate with him everyone knows Lehnsherr’s an absolute hellion who’s fought countless duels and got a trail of broken omega hearts behind him!  

And Charles was genuinely shocked to be asked to dance like ‘oh! but Mr Lehnsherr! I am eight and twenty!!?’ 

And Erik was like ‘fucksake you actual cherub if you don’t get on that dancefloor right this second I’m gunna to SIT NEXT TO YOU and SEDUCE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU for the rest of this evening’ (but in Regency speak). 

.

And the rest of the dream was just about Erik trying to win Charles over despite his bad rep by being a smooth bastard flirting his pants off and being blissed out on Charles’ perfect combination of married-omega worldliness and alpha-like understanding (cuz his father was very progressive and had him educated as well as any alpha heir and Charles is an abolitionist and runs charity schools and studies Botany and agriculture as his hobby to help him run his estates and is pals with William Wilberforce), and unravel the mystery of how Charles has managed not to be snapped up again by some lucky alpha when he looks like that and has a huge fortune, to boot.

(And it turns out that it’s because 1) his step-brother Cain, the blackguard, has been following Charles around seeing off any possible suitors, trying to force Charles to marry him so he can get his hands on his fortune, and it’s only the cleverness of Charles’ father’s will and his late husband’s that makes it impossible. 2) Charles’ sister is so beautiful that she overshadows him and people tend to overlook freckled little bluestocking Charles whenever they meet them - and, really, who wants an omega with opinions?)

.

There was a bit where Charles was thinking to himself ‘don’t be fooled, don’t let him win you over, you know he’s trouble’ while Erik was flirting with him, and Erik noticed the change in his face and said ‘you’ve stiffened up’ and Charles said ‘I BEG your pardon! I most certainly have NOT-oh, you meant my demeanour-’ and then went bright pink and Erik was Delighted.

And then there was this really super-romantic bit where Erik brought Charles a bracelet (it was so pretty, it was made of really finely-wrought silver leaves curled together in a little chain; English oak leaves, for his English Charles). 

And he got Charles to come into an empty room with him during a ball so he could give it to him (the bracelet, I mean) and persuaded him to sit down on a sofa and put his wrist on Erik’s knee so he could fasten it for him and Erik ended up doing a really slow seduction-caress thing where he was kissing his wrist while holding his hand and then kissing and sniffing his throat (under the pretence of admiring his necklace; boy’s got game) while Charles swooned. 

(It was a really fucking pretty necklace, too; just a single pearl drop on a blue velvet ribbon).

But then Charles’ mate Moira (who was on cad-blocking duty) burst in like ‘OH THERE YOU ARE CHARLES I’m not surprised you’re fainting it’s so stifling in here isn’t it such a frightful squeeze tonight so I’d best be getting you home you look like you’ve had quite enough excitement for one day GOOD EVENING, MR LEHNSHERRdon’t follow us.’ 

.

(And I’m pretty sure there was something in there about them being mutants, too, because Erik made the bracelet using his powers, and there was something about Genosha being significant to the war somehow like maybe it was a Johnathan Strange & Mr Norrell type scenario mutants are seen as Fey and were being given their own island in return for fighting against Old Boney??? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

[shortnfantastic]

Y'all have heard of Janus becoming a Light Side.

Now, get ready for Patton unintentionally becoming a Dark Side.

The Light Sides are a mess after the video and even after talking to each of them, they all tell Patton they need their time and space to process things.

Patton understands that and doesn't want to be pushy with them but he also feels a bit lonely.

So he goes hang out with Janus who was probably in the middle of cooking something and Patton offers to help.

Remus also offers to help but he is respectfully declined. Please don't. We're fine.

The kitchen ends up catching fire somehow. Remus is nowhere to be seen. Most of the food survives.

Patton stays for dinner.

Remus eats the cutlery and the burnt parts of dinner.

According to Janus that's the fifth time this week.

Next time Patton brings all their recyclables as snacks for Remus.

They watch The Mummy cuz it's a frigging classic, it satisfies found family moment tropes that Patton likes, Remus' murder needs and Janus is just glad they found middle ground and it's totally not a guilty pleasure movie. Also the fact that Brendan Fraser looks fine af has nothing to do with it.

Remus makes gruesome commentary about how everyone will and should get killed.

They all fall asleep on the couch.

This is a new tradition for them.

Patton will sometimes stay with them for a couple of days before going back to the Light Side Mindscape but stuff is quiet, no one leaves their rooms and if they do they’re still on edge, so Patton temporarily moves in with the Dark Sides cuz he craves family.

BONUS:

Weeks later when everything's calmed down a bit the Light Sides notice Patton is not around as often.

Virgil is not happy when they first find out why. 

They all talk to Patton and he ends up inviting them to the dark movie nights.

No one wants to go at first but they all miss Patton.

In the end they all end up crashing the dark side mindscape movie night and if Janus thought Remus was too much to handle, he is definitely not ready for the bunch of idiots he ended up adopting.

Virgil, Janus and Remus fix their own dark side issues and family is reunited.

Roman and Remus, Logan concludes, are more unbearable when they join forces than they are fighting.

The twins know it and exploit this during movie commentary.

Help them.

Extra bonus:

Orange has been on indefinite long paid vacation and will at some point walk in on them, quote Thomas Jefferson and go So, What'd I miss?! then walk back out. 

[dazaily]

karasuno first years using pick-up lines on their s/o

soo.. i’ve been wanting to write a karasuno head canon for ages, and i gonna write a hc which turned into a short fic that i’ll probably never finish... so this is the replacement. enjoy!!

description: so the the karasuno boiz were playing truth and dare in their changing room. and tanaka and nishinoya had dared your bf to use a pick-up line on you. 

warnings: implied nsfw. gender neutral reader. fluffy but sprinkled with swears. i was stressed writing this. long af. not proofread. 

. ⋆ 　 *  . 　· 　  ✫  　  ⋆

hinata shoyo

i’m sorry but, did u rlly expect our lil cinnamoroll to know what’s a pick up line?

he babie 🥺❤️

n e ways, it was finally his turn on their little game of truth and dare and nishinoya had dared him to use a pick up line on you.

“a pickup line??? what’s that? will it improve my volleyball skills??”

like i said a bABIE!!

nishinoya and tanaka needs to stop tainting my bbys mind.

“udk whats a pickup line??? how did u even end up with y/n.”

nishinoya is in shock.

and then the plan commenced.

their lil game of truth and dare ended up as a lil plan on getting u hinata to use a pick up line on you.

that night, u were walking home w hinata after club activities ended.

with noya, tanaka and kageyama trailing you, but we pretend they don’t exist.

“soo,, y/n”

“sup? y u acting all weird for? ur usually rambling abt volleyball by now.. u okay?”

“hoW DO THEY KNOW?? WHAT AM I GONNA DO NOW?? THEY TOLD ME TO SOUND NATURAL BUT THEY ALR KNOWS!! uGh my senpais are watching me, i gotta do them proUD!”

hinatas mind ran at 1,000km/h, it was insane. especially for someone who doesn’t usually use their brain.

“um, uM, Y/N! CAN U HELP ME HOLD SOMETHING?!?”

confusion.

that was the only thing u felt at the moment.

i mean u were alr infront of ur house, what’s the point of holding smt when u were leaving??

“whut”

conveniently, during ur moment of confusion, the only word u could form was “what”.

“m-m-mm-mY HAND!!”

hinata screeched at ur face

...

silence. whilst noya and tanaka facepalms in the bg

it took a moment, but ur brain finally computes what ur bf just said

“pFFFFFTT,”

ur first instinct was to release the phatest snort/wheeze. shane dawson is jealous. 

“y/nnnnnn~~ stop laughinggggggg”

hinata was now suffering from crippling embarrassment, as u wouldn't stop laughing no matter how much he pleaded.

omg imagine him all blushy and shiz akdkkoaw-- ok lets not get off topic

“ok,, okay, first of all, u could've just held my hand without asking? we’re dating? you don't need my permission to do smth we do everyday?? and, more importantly, who taught u that line u just used???”

u said half wheezing, half talking, struggling to convey wtv ur trying to say to ur bf.

lucky for u, he was strangely able to understand what u were saying, and he replies with a lengthy explanation of the entire situation. 

“ooo, so that's why noya, tanaka and kageyama have been following us,,”

“hOWD U KNOW??? NOYA-SAN OUR HIDING SPOT HAVE BEEN EXPOSED!!!”

as u left to go in ur house, he stops u by holding ur hand and gives u a peck on ur forehead. 

as he separates from u, he had the biggest smile plastered on his face, brightening the entire neighbourhood.

“goodnight y/n! i love you!”

kageyama tobio

erm, lbr this man would have 0 ideas in the field of flirting.

knowing this, our lovely 2nd year duo, decide its time for them to step in and help their junior in his dating life

despite it flowing extremely smoothly w/out their intervention

n e ways, so they forced the 1st years to play truth and dare w them.

when it finally came to tobio’s turn, the unfortunate child unknowingly picks dare which causes nishinoya to spring up.

“i have the perfect dare for you.”

commencing plan...

so nishinoya dares kageyama to say a pickup line to you, but since kageyamas a big baby in disguise, he dk any pickup lines.

bet he didn't even know any pickup lines, but that's not the point. 

so, being the mastermind he is, nishinoya told kageyama a perverted pickup line.

being the clueless innocent baby he is, kageyama decides to recite the pickup line he received from noya to u outside ur class.

“hey y/n,”

“hmm?”

“do you like dragons?”

“eh? why the sudden question? i guess so?”

“cuz i can see me dragon my balls on ur face.”

processing...

.

what the fuck.

it was like god hit the pause button on earth, like literally everyone just paused for a literal second, turning their head towards kageyama, trying to figure out who tf was the brave soul who said that. 

while still in shock, kageyama just stood there confused, as he was suddenly placed in the centre of attention for no reason. o there's a reason honey, a very good one.

“why's everyone looking at me,”

with that one sentence, the world went back to normal as if someone had hit the play button all of the sudden, leaving u to deal with the weirdly awkward situation u found urself in. 

“ummm... tobio.. do u have any idea what u just said.”

“uhh yeah, a pickup line.” 

at that moment, when he said that, it hit u.

“what did they do.”

“huh, what are u talking about??”

*insert confused kags*

“nishinoya and tanaka told u to do something right?”

“r u a psychic???”

despite being amazed at ur ‘psychic powers’, he immediately explains the situation, causing u to face palm so much ur face may be concave.

there are times where u appreciate ur dumbass bf being a ignorant qt, but times like this makes u wish he was a tad bit smarter.. 

debating ur options, u decided to explain the meaning of the pickup line he just used on u in public.

once hearing and understanding the meaning of the pickup line he used on u, his face lit up like a matchstick, shining bright red, stuttering madly, struggling to get even a word out.

“oh, um, well, im sorry for saying smtg so indecent to u in public, um ill make it up to u somehow,”

understanding him was a struggle due to the severe stuttering he was suffering from, but u managed somehow.

“nahhh, its cool, i should go lecture nishinoya for corrupting my precious baby though~~”

“b-b-b-bABY!?!?”

“hehe, yes ur my baby <3″

tsukishima kei

ugh this salty ass mfcker

honestly can't imagine him being forced into using a pickup line on his s/o

cuz, despite hw much we try to deny it, he is one smart mfcker,,,

but i think he would be curious how his s/o will react, so he would do it on his own will anyways.

umm, so this is how the situation went down.

it was another boring day, and the 2nd year duo was having none of that and decided too ensue a game of truth and dare with the 1st years.

this was how the c h a o s started.

he was trying to leave the game discreetly before he had to sell his soul to the devil. 

unfortunately for him, lady luck was not on his side, as he was chosen to do the next dare. 

“but wait a fucking minute, when the fuck did this become a game of dare or dare, when tf did freedom of choice decide to fuck off like that?”

plot convenience

so he was forced into a dare. 

the moment of dread came when tanaka stood up shouting he had a brilliant idea. and it all went downhill from there.

so tanaka dared tsukki to use a pickup line on his s/o. and his first reaction was no. 

“o come on, u never do anything romantic, i bet u haven't even held hands, sometimes i wonder how y/n’s still with u.”

“says the person who has never dated.”

tanaka shut ups. 

so somehow, he managed to get himself out of the situation. 

later that night, he couldn't stop thinking about pickup lines. he almost spent the whole night thinking about ur reaction. cuz volleyball is just a club, am i right..

he decided to use a pickup line on u tmrw, just to see ur reaction, not like he wants to use one, lmao that's lame, haha. a fucking tsundere.

the next day, during lunch, he left yams with the 1st year duo to go find u.

when he saw u, he immediately calls u. 

“hey, where's yams, u didn't tell me u wanted to eat with me today,”

“nah, i just had something to tell u.”

at this moment, tsukishimas heart was beating faster than ushijimas spikes.

“you know if u think about it we never stop tasting our tongues.”

“hmm, now that u said it ye--”

“how bout i taste urs for a change.”

since it was so unexpected, u had no idea how to react. 

as u returned to reality, u notice a slight pink on his cheeks.

u were gonna come back with a snarky comment, since it was rare he was so vulnerable(?) 

but ur plans were ruined when he glanced at u making eye contact, to check ur reaction. 

ur face bursts into the brightest red, hes ever seen. 

seeing ur extremely delayed reaction, he lets out a laugh, but immediately recollects himself. 

“it was a dare from tanaka.”

you were still bright red, but u felt the blush on ur face reducing after hearing the reasoning behind the line. 

“oh, haha, i was wondering what's up”

u said slightly dejectedly. 

he felt like he was just punched in the gut by guilt. 

“i was also curious about ur reaction, and i am satisfied to say the least.”

he leans down to ur height to whisper in ur ear, before initiating the kiss. 

ur blush returns almost immediately as u returned the kiss.

since yall were in school, he separed from the kiss after a few seconds. this is a place for knowledge, y'all nasties.

“welp, bye loser,”

after the kiss, he immediately return to yamaguchi, leaving u alone with ur thoughts. trying to escape from embarrassment.

he may be equal to the condiment on ur kitchen cupboard, but he still tries to make u happy, so appreaciate him and his efforts <3

yamaguchi tadashi

a babie uwuwuwu

pickup line what's that? hehe omf he's so cute

so how this about to go down. 

so truth and dare bla bla bla... ive written this exact thing 3 times please excuse my behaviour.

since he was bored, yamaguchi forced tsukki to join in on the fun together, a decision he would regret. 

soon it became yamaguchi’s turn, and everyone turned quiet due to the lack of dares they had or yamaguchi.

that was until the one and only nishinoya stood up. 

“hEY, u have a s/o right, how about u use a cheesy pickup line on her!!” *eyebrow raise*

while processing what nishinoya just said, yamaguchi’s face morphed into one of dread and fear, as he turns his head to tsukishima for help.

“u dragged us into this mess, i aint helping u.”

and there goes his only help, well it was his fault in the first place dragging him and his best friend into this mess. tsukishima u tsundere.

yamaguchi was on the verge of tears, thinking of excuses and ways he could get out of the god forbidden situation he brought upon himself. 

but the only thing he could think of was the worst case scenario, which was u breaking up with him.

looking at his senpais, he slowly faces the fact that there's no escape and accepts his fate. 

if this is the cause of the end of ur relationship together, it just means the gods don't want y'all together.

“idk any pickup lines....” 

this was his last attempt of escaping as he bids ur relationship farewell, already aware it was not gonna work. 

“thiS IS WHERE I COME IN, don't worry yamaguchi i am the encyclopaedia of pickup lines.”

ofc his senpais would know the cheesiest lines on the surface of this earth. despite insisting the earth is flat.

and so the dreadful event began. 

after school ended, otw to his club, he met up with u. with his senpais trailing behind stalking y'all, to see ur reaction.

“ugh out of all the pickup lines, they had to make me use the most overused one... im gonna cry,,, y/n i hope u don't leave me after this.”

well here goes nothing...

“hey y/n,,” extreme stutters that im too lazy to type out.

“hmm?”

“k-k-kiss me if im wrong,,, b-but dinosaurs still exist right?”

before he could even cringe at himself, u gave him a peck on his lips while smirking afterwards. 

yamaguchi proceeds to poof into redness after processing what had just happen, as u laugh maniacally in the background.

“u could've just asked for one, and tsukishima already told me everything so u don't need to explain,"

yamaguchi did not have the brain power to comprehend the situation at hand, as he was still affected from the kiss from earlier.

“i can't believe u think i would breakup with u because of something so trivial.. im kinda upset..”

finally coming back to reality, yamaguchi finally realises the situation he's in. 

“o-oh, i didn't mean to make it seem like i didn't believe in our relationship, its just that w--”

he gets cut off by u kissing him again.

when u separate, u began to laugh again. 

“hAHAHHA, ikik, i was just joking around, don't worry ill love u no matter what, now off u go to ur club ill see u tmrw.”

not knowing what to do or how to react, yamaguchi felt the need to do smtg before u left. 

“i love u, ill call u later tonight!”