#but you truly see a difference in like. the average level of misogyny

[gouinisme]

i started almost exclusively borrowing graphic novels written and illustrated by women at the library and it's 1) made me realise how few there are 2) made me realise even more how shitty the characterisation and design of female characters is in most stuff made by men 3) led me to scour the aisles for hidden gems i wouldn't have picked up otherwise so i do recommend

[werevulvi]

This is a very long, ranty post that's only lightly edited. It's about me deciding to basically leave radfem, so I wanted to be thorough about explaining how and why. And this is mainly because my blog ended up existing in a radblr bubble, deemed as hostile by other ideologies/groups of people, and I need to break out of that bubble, because I feel trapped in it. I'm not sure how, as I may have to start over with a new blog entirely, but I'd hope to avoid that if at all possible (my blog is my baby.) So I'm thinking that making this kinda post is a good start in trying to change how my blog vibes and what kinda blogs I can interact with in a non-debate kinda sense. Basically, damage control.

A while ago, I made some post about how I wanted to move away from the worst rudefem stuff of radfem, for the sake of my mental health. Well, I've now hit a point of wanting to take further steps away from radfem, pretty much altogether. The main reason for this is that there's still too much focus on ragging on trans women, and trans people in general. It's suffocating me, because I'm not all that detrans and I'm not anti-male. I miss connecting with other trans people, and I miss being part of that community. Truth is I've become really fucking hateful towards my own kind and I've been in denial of it. This has been carving a hole in my heart that my radfem views have carved even deeper, and it has led me to become a quite lost soul.

Do I hate trans women? No, but I clearly act as if I do, and I don't feel comfortable with my own actions and thoughts towards/about them anymore. Are some of them cumbrains fetishising my oppression (misogyny) and/or predators? Yes, undoubtedly. But I am not a collectivist and I can't view all trans women like that. Nor does it sit right with me to treat them all as potential predators. I care about trans women in general, ultimately because I am trans too and their struggles reflect my own. I cannot shit on them without shitting on myself. But it's not just about me. I feel empathy for them, and I want to extend kindness and care towards them. I cannot with any goodness in my heart view them as men. Males, yes, but not men. More on that diffentiation later in this post.

I do not want to politisise their gender identities as women, because I don't want my own gender politisised, regardless if that is man, woman, or otherwise. (More on that later too.) I don't want to trap them in the category of "man" because I do not want to be trapped in the category of "woman" as if our transitions and gender incongruence meant nothing at all. Do our transitions change bio sex? No, and I'm not arguing that. I'm saying transition changes SOMETHING and that that something matters. And in a lot of contexts, it even matters more than bio sex.

But isn't that just an emotional argument, like boohoo, my/their feefees? YES, it's an emotional argument. But you know what: I believe that feelings matter, about as equally much as facts and logic matters. An argument being emotional does not make it necessarily useless or invalid. Grave robbery and necrophilia is illegal due to purely emotional arguments. Perhaps think about if that's useless.

I care about trans women's feelings and comfort, not just their rights, and I care about men's feelings and comfort too, because I do not think individual males' oppression being patriarchy's fault even remotely means that "men cause their own problems" because one male suffering at the hands of other men (patriarchy) is NOT his own fault. And him reaching out to women for help when other men fail him AGAIN shouldn't be hard to understand. Of course it's optional to help him or not then, but I feel like it is truly heartless not to, unless he is some kinda raging misogynist. I see that kinda vibe a lot in radfem circles and it honestly churns my stomach. That kinda man-hating is to me absolutely repugnant. You do you, but I will not support it.

Why do I care about males? Because they're human. They're the same species as me, and I care about them as one human to another. Because I don't believe there's any difference between males and females beyond the physical biology stuff. Socialisation varies from person to person. I've always been a person of principles, so I can't sit around and say I only care about fellow females and all females, because no one choses to be born female - and then in the same breath hate males for essentially having been born male, which they also did not choose. If I had been born male, I'd probably hate radfem, and that says something. It's very fucking lopsided, and barely even to my favour.

And I've been asking myself that a lot lately: Is radfem even to my (a bio female's) favour - or is it only the the favour of some kinda statistic average of a general female who doesn't even exist? I dunno, but it's an important question to ask.

This is getting ranty already, but hey I'm trying.

Trans women and males aside, radfem often has a kinda negative view of trans men (and any variety of dysphoric females) that I've always felt iffy about, but first thought I had been mistaken about. It seemed for a long while that radfem is totally supportive of transmascs/dysphoric females, but..... upon closer look, it appears a little bit rotten, sorry to say. Because lately I've come to realise maybe I was kinda right from the start that radfem really is not as supportive of transmascs/dysphoric females as it claims to be. This is probably not intentionally unsupportive, I'm aware, but some of the things that really stand out to me like sore thumbs:

1.) The idea that if gender abolishion happened, no one would be dysphoric or wish to transition medically, is frankly incredibly unfounded. Do you have ANY evidence for that dysphoria is ENTIRELY social, because I've yet to see any reliable study on this. As far as I'm concerned this is just a theory based on essentially the exclusion method that all the biology-based theories are incomplete. So this strong assertion that a genderless society would have no trans people (with sex dysphoria only) gives me this unsettling vibe that radfem is not at all supportive of transition, but would prooobably prefer it if no one was trans - even in a world where gender is abolished and transitioned females are masculine women who just like looking like males, and transitioned males are feminine men who just like looking like females, and I dunno dysphoric nonbinary people would just be men and women who transition in a variety of atypical ways.

Which was always what I envisioned. That no one would be FORCED to be feminine or masculine or anything, because of their sex - NOT that trans people would be forced or expected to accept their physical sex characteristics. Because I don't know about you, but I've personally never based my sex dysphoria on that it's too hard to live as a masculine woman, and I've met tons of other trans people who feel the same way about that. It's a myth about dysphoric trans people, and I think perpetuating it does more harm than good.

Feminism, gender abolishion, etc, probably can't cure anyone's sex dysphoria. And even just striving towards that is a little iffy. How about leave it up to the dysphorics if we wanna be cured? Because I bet most radfems would not wanna enforce a cure for autism if that became a thing, or strive towards curing the world of autism. So why do it with sex/gender dysphoria? Point is I'm just noticing these uncomfortable, kinda hidden anti-trans sentiments behind the gender abolishion idea. I'm FOR gender abolishion, but only if transition would still be available in such a future. But I'm sensing that's not what radfem is actually about, and I've been properly fucking fooled. If so... fuck you for that.

2.) Some of you operate on the false assumption that trans people never pass as the opposite sex. This level of intellectual dishonesty is skewing radfem certain arguments really badly, and makes them appear poorly thought-out at best, and impossible to implement in real life at worst.

3.) The idea that sex segregated spaces can be upheld in a world where some people pass as the opposite sex, is frankly ludicrous to me, if you think of how it would actually pan out in practice. If women's spaces became only ever available for bio women, and males spaces only available for bio men, I'd be banned from both, due to my own transition. (And why the flying fuck would I promote that? I'm not insane.) Because there is no way I can prove that my sex is female, most people do not even believe that my sex is female when I tell them, and I already get tossed out from women's spaces due to that I just look like a man.

People's failure to believe I'm THAT passable irl, is about as frustrating as people's failure to believe I'm actually female, and both those people's arguments on where I "should" go is entirely useless garbage. This doesn't only affect me, but a lot of trans people out there in the world. And then I'm probably more accommodating to this kinda drama, than what most trans people would even be willing to pretend to put up with. I am your faithful lapdog, yet I still get my teeth kicked in for being annoying. To which I have to ask myself: is this kinda martyrdom really worth it? Other trans people often see me as self-hating for being a radfem, and I'm sadly starting to see why.

And to then claim I could just use gender neutral spaces is frankly robbing me of MY female rights. To treat me as a threat to other women is very uncalled for, and yes... misogynistic. And to assume that male-passing females would be welcome in women's spaces in such a world is frankly laughable. Masculine women who have not even touched a vial of testosterone in their lives already have trouble being allowed in women only spaces that have harder rules on "no trans women allowed." This is anti-trans in a way which I cannot support.

If I am to be barred from women's spaces (which I am) because I look like a man, then I WILL use men's spaces. Because I refuse to be dehumanised and stuffed into a "trans toilet/locker room" for other people's convenience. The majority's comfort does NOT get to override my personal comfort. Especially considering men (in general) are not actually uncomfortable with my presense in their spaces, because I look like I belong there. So there is not even any damn argument to be made against me using male only space. This is not because of me wanting some kinda validation for how much of a "man" I "identify" as or whatever. This is about me not wanting to be dehumanised for my medical condition or for how I choose to treat it. Because yes, barring me from both men's and women's spaces does feel a lot like considering me sub-human, because my physical body is frightening, unsettling, gross, or otherwise inconvenient for "normal" men and women to be subjected to. Fuck that noise. I am just as much human and I deserve the same level of basic respect, and that should not be asking for too much. I will not sink below that bar. That's like telling a disabled person that they "have to" use the disabled space because their amputation (or whatever is their ailment) freaks people out, even if they're capable of using the regular men's/women's space despite their condition. So, I'd say barring trans people from both men's and women's spaces is actually rather ableist.

So how do I think that issue should be solved then? Honestly I do not have a solution. So I'd say skip the sex segregation of stuff like bathrooms and locker rooms completely (but keep it for stuff like sports and rape relief shelters) and let trans people themselves figure out which space suits them best, and only intervene in cases when they make a really poor judgement. The only other option would be allowing ALL females in women's spaces (yes, including fully passing trans men) and vice versa all males into men's spaces, but I'm extremely worried about how exactly passing trans people would be expected to go about proving they're going to the right spaces. So I'd say don't do shit until we have found a better (actually better) solution.

Because I can't sit here and say that trans women should never use the women's locker rooms, while I go showering butt naked in the men's locker room. That would be a very hypocritical double standard. Yes, I think passable and/or post-op trans women can and should be allowed to use women only spaces. Based on that I think passable and/or post-op trans men can and should be allowed to use men only spaces, but I do not think that is a perfect or ideal solution.

3.) There's just in general a lot of negativity towards medical transition and how trans people look; our desires, hopes, goals and our dysphoria. This feeds my self-hatred like fuck. Yeah I'd consider myself a rather strong person in general, but I'm not made of concrete, and I think radfem and gender critical thought has broken me down a lot, which took me a while to notice. I don't even know if the real reason I'm calling myself a woman nowadays is because my dream of being a man in ANY sorta sense (be it fantasy or reality) has become completely crushed. Yet I'm unable to truly be okay with being a woman.

Yes, I truly love my pussy, I'm fine with my reproductive ability (producing ova, chance at pregnancy) and in general I like that I started off on a female ground. I love that I have small hands and feet, and a relatively small frame. I really like my height, that I'm not very tall, but do tower most other females. So there's a lot I like about being bio female, and it's mostly things I can't change about my physique anyway. As for my curves, I seem to sometimes like it and sometimes not. I'm also okay with having cellulites and stretch marks. But what I'm NOT fine with about being female is being driven by estrogen, my body's natural gravitation and persistense towards re-feminising itself as soon as I went off of testosterone, having breasts, having less muscle mass than males, having a higher voice, having little to no body/facial hair, etc. I am not fine with being recognised as a woman, or having most female secondary sex characteristics, or lacking male secondary sex characteristics.

This does make me feel like although I'm actually fine with simply being bio female, I'm only fine with it on the condition that I get to look/sound/appear as close to male as medically possible. And does that make me a man in the bio male sorta sense? No, obviously not, but I'm starting to ask myself: Why the FUCK does it matter so goddamn much?! I am sick and tired of being a political pawn no matter where I go. I just wanna live my life.

And radfem discourse (as well as TRA discourse) is so goddamn far from real life it's honestly pathetic and destructive. Most people really don't give a fuck if I'm male or female, or if I have a dick or pussy. It's only really relevant for my doctors and my sex partners. But outside of those very specific contexts, I do like being open about my bio sex, because it just makes it easier to be open about my life, and I feel like that's a good reason to be open about it. However, being open about it solely because some people on the internet think people's bio sex is absolutely crucial info (outside of the context of sex/dating and docs) does not feel good.

I shouldn't feel pressured to be so open about myself, just to not feel guilty for how I choose to treat my dysphoria. I should not have to feel this guilty.

I think my opinions on gender are actually unhealthy for me. I understand more and more that people's opinions on gender are largely just based on their own personal experiences with whatever trans people they've stumbled across. There is no objective facts on what gender is and what it is not. If it's an internal identity or just social roles and clothing. If it's somewhat biological or entirely socially constructed. I feel like I've been arguing bullshit semantics that don't even hold water. I'm not saying that bio sex is changable or a spectrum or completely unimportant, or anything like that. When I say gender I don't mean biological sex.

I'm not saying that I'm not biogically female. I'm saying that just because I'm a female, doesn't mean I cannot also be a man - under, not another, but just slightly looser definition of man which is still connected to physical maleness - in contexts where it simply does not, and should not, matter if I do not fit someone else's definition of what a man or woman is. Because maybe semantics are killing discourse more than it's killing real life issues like human rights. Just saying.

But I dunno what I want with my gender or my label. But I think my realisation that I need to scrap my views and values in regards to gender altogether, and rebuild them from scratch... might actually quite likely change my sense of my gendered self (again.) Because you know what? My gender identity seems very highly influenced by my opinions of gender as a whole, and not just by my dysphoria. If I go by just my dysphoria, I think I would consider myself a trans man, which is why I guess I never truly stopped considering that... but my opinions on gender as a whole (women's rights, female liberation, gender abolishion, trans stuff, bio sex, etc) intervene and conflict with that, and makes me wanna be both a woman and a trans man at the same time, which I can't. So I end up being pulled in two opposing directions.

It's just that up until recently my opinions on gender used to matter more to me than tending to my dysphoria. And now I've come to a point where I don't think I wanna have that sorta prioritisation anymore, because it's having real bad effect on my mental health.

And I need to get very real with myself and ask myself if this really is the life I want. Upon knowing that I'm not actually comfortable with my own opinions, and their affects on my mental health is not actually worth advocating for female liberation, which I already know by now. Then my next step is to take a step back and try to consume less media from any and all sides of the discourse, and listen to my intuition again. Hear myself out. This might take a while, and in the meantime I'm just gonna have to say that my stance on feminism, trans stuff, women's rights, etc, is "under construction."

And as for my goddamn gender label... I'm half okay with pretty much anything right now. Transmasc, woman, ftm, trans man, dysphoric female, masculine/gnc/male-passing woman, etc, is all fine. It's not really about how other people label me anyway. How I label myself is the only thing that truly matters to me in that regard. That it's with self-respect, love and care... and not for political reasons.

I think that's just the thing. That I need to stop doing shit I'm not comfortable with just for political reasons.

With that said, I also wanna briefly touch upon other aspects of radfem that I find myself either no longer agreeing with, or just no longer caring about.

The sex work industry: I know it's bad. But I no longer care and I still might wanna become a sex worker one day. At least I wanna try it. Because no I don't want for sex to be personal, private or hidden. I feel like that's just not how I wanna express my sexuality. And sex is the ONLY of my passions I can in any way imagine turning into a job. Because it's the only one of my passions I never get tired of, and also never truly get obsessed with either. Sorry if the sex industry hurt you personally, but I kinda fail to see how that's my problem, or my responsibility, or how it would seal my fate. I don't wanna live my life after other people's problems, and I cannot learn from other people's mistakes (for those who chose it but still got burned.)

Watching porn, engaging in bdsm, etc: After having tried for a couple of years to heal my broken sexuality and to enjoy vanilla sex, I'm frankly giving up. Some say I'd have to go celibate and work really hard on my trauma for it to have effect, which... honestly I'd rather eat a bullet than do that. I saw a sexologist once last summer and oooooh BOY did that go badly! She basically told me I'm just kinky and need to work on accepting myself. That hurt a lot, and made me give up extra hard on psychiatry again (like it was the last drop again) but it made me realise that there just isn't any help for me out there. And that I'm also not willing to do anything drastic to change it on my own.

That what I want is to have a sex life that I enjoy. So... I'll go back to what simply works for me: bdsm sex. That's not entirely without some reluctance and hesitation, and I do plan on going about it in safer ways than I previously did. Like for example only doing it with people I trust and know well, use safety words, etc, as a bare minimum. I'm learning everything I can about safer bdsm practices, well before actually diving into it. But thing is that I like such extreme "kinks" that it's never gonna be entirely safe, and.... I guess I can't be fucked to care anymore, and I'm tired of even just hearing about the preachings of how bad hardcore bdsm is. Like yeah, I know it's bad, now shut up now and leave me the fuck alone to live/ruin my own damn life.

And as for porn: I never quite quit it, just reduced it by a lot. Again, not denying the harms about it, just not caring enough to change my habits.

Conclusions and wrapping it up: Basically, I've always been a Trauma Queen and I just wanna be myself again. I don't think my former views (more egalitarian/equality based rather than female liberation, and neither individualist nor collectivist) were bad or wrong, but rather that how I implemented them into my life and disregarded danger which was bad. Bio sex matters, but I think gender matters too, and the world is what it is. I have to accept that if I'm gonna have the slightest chance of living a happy life. I can't force myself to live according to feminist ideals for the sake of women in general, when those ideals smother my flame.

I cannot claim that either of the things radfem stand against are all inherently bad. I cannot claim that transitioning shouldn't be a thing, even in a perfect world, because I wanna bring my testosterone with me everywhere I go. I cannot claim that there's any "one road fits all" to happiness for all people, or all women. I cannot be a hypocrite who only values female lives when male lives are at core equally valuable. That has nothing to do with pandering to men. All it means is that I want a world where men and women can live in peace together, and if that's not possible, then at least I wanna live my own life in peace with myself, making whichever decisions I see fit for myself, and surround myself with both men and women who are respectful and decent people. I do not want to try to force my life to fit an ultimately flawed ideology. And all ideologies are flawed.

I'm flawed. We all are, and that is okay. Yes, I wanna strive towards happiness and some health and safety, but not ultimate health or 100% secure safety. Health and safety should not come at the expense of fun and happiness, if at all possible. Because I still need some amount of danger to find enjoyment in things, and I think having fun and getting bitter lessons is more important, than being healthy and safe. I've always thought that. It might just even be a core value of mine, and it does conflict with radfem values. What matters to me in life is in conflict with radfem values. I need to learn moderation and to balance fun with health, happiness with safety, and transitioning with reality. But what I do not need is to wingclip myself because of what matters to other people.

Radfem has taught me a lot of good stuff, it has made me aware of a lot of shit I didn't wanna know, but now it's time to move on and leave it behind me.

Please note that I do not mean to demonise radfem as inherently bad, fearmongering, transphobic, etc. It still has a lot of good points that I agree with. And I may still likely reblog and interact with radfem posts that I do feel are good and/or interesting. I just don't wanna lock myself to radfem as an ideology anymore. I do not think radfem is the ultimate truth, and I do not think there even is ANY ultimate truth to such things as gender.

I'm saying that I declare myself no longer a radical feminist because I am no longer dedicated to the cause as a whole. Not that it's suddenly all bad.

I wanna spread my wings and just be my problematic, true self... this sex-crazed, kinky tranny who deep down loves being a transitioned female, but also don't want for any female to suffer oppression simply because of how they were born, but also sees trans women as "women enough", values male lives and their opinions, etc! Whatever else I might think and feel which I haven't figured out yet. Instead of a forcing myself to become a perfect pawn for completely sex-based feminism.

I may adopt some of my old TRA views back, as well as some of my old libfem views. I will not limit myself to only one school of thought, ANY one school of thought. Please remember that if you're thinking I'm gonna go back to be a TRA libfem entirely, because that is NOT the case. What I'm breaking out of is the tribalism and extremism of radfem: the radical part of feminism. Because ultimately, that radical part of feminism, what I've been describing (perhaps poorly) throughout this post, is what's become suffocating for me.

I need to find myself again, beyond EVERY ideology that's telling me how I should think, feel and live my life. I've had enough of that shit. I need to think and feel freely, and live my life for myself.

Thank you all for your patience with me.

[blodeuweddschild]

I don't subscribe to the radical feminist view of gender socialization. I believe humans display similar sexual conflict to the animal kingdom which means men are biologically predisposed to violence. I believe men can be socialized to be less physically and sexually violent, since humans have overcome many of our animal instincts to create a society, but men currently don't face enough accountability or punishment for their behavior (from rape to war) to stop them as a class relying on violence to benefit them as individuals. Primates display this structure as well. We can do better but currently nobody is trying.

Before I answer this I just want to say that I’m not a radfem (not a liberal feminist either, I’m more radical than not I just don’t agree with everything radfems believe) and that gender socialisation isn’t a theory posited by radfems exclusively but is instead a rather popular one in psychology in general. I just don’t want anyone getting the idea that I am a radfem, first of all because I’m not and second because I don’t need abuse from people who will misinterpret this ask and what I reply with and assume I’m a radfem

I also don’t want anything I write to possibly come off has short or aggressive or anything like that. Typing is weird and it’s hard to get context through so just know that I’m interested in having conversations about this stuff, I like hearing what others think and when I respond to things like this one never have any hard feelings (unless the person talking to me is like openly aggressive lmao)

I do agree that men may be a tiny bit more open to aggression due to differences in biology, such as higher levels of testosterone which is known to increase emotional responses to things. But I don’t think that would mean in a world where misogyny didn’t exist that men would still commit crime at a higher level than women, I think there’d be a good chance that they’d be equal. And we can also see that testosterone doesn’t necessarily have an affect at all since trans men on T, who didn’t not experience male socialisation, don’t have the same crime rate as cis men, who did experience male socialisation. If anything I think testosterone would have a fraction of a fractions affect on rates of aggression that it would hardly be significant

I also don’t agree with any biological factors necessary affecting a persons behaviour and actions. For example, there was a study done by Raine et al to see if there was a difference in the brains of average people and murderers. They found that there was a general pattern, the murderers were more likely to have reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex, left angular gyrus, corpus callosum, amygdala, thalamus and hippocampus (last 3 only in left hemisphere) and increased activity in the cerebellum, amygdala, thalamus and hippocampus (last 3 only in right hemisphere) .But that doesn’t mean that everyone with brains that are like this will be murderers, Raine himself has a brain that works in the pattern that the murderers brain did, but he’s not a killer. What I’m getting at is your brain may work a certain way but that does not mean that you will be violent. It can mean people who commit violent acts may be more likely to have a certain brain make up, but it doesn’t mean people with brains like that necessarily will be violent. Biology doesn’t really determine much without the affects of socialisation, I mean there’s a possibility that schizophrenia, while having biological affects, may not be present in some people who have it without their socialisation and how they were treated. This has all been a bit of a long winded explanation to say that biology can definitely be a factor, but it’s often not the one that determines your general behaviour (here’s a brief summary of the study I just mentioned if you’re interested)

I personally believe that while biology has an affect on male patterns of violence, the large majority of it is caused by socialisation. And there’s no way to really test this. We can’t separate from our socialisation so we can’t determine which truly has the largest affect, unless of course we but 5 newborn boys and 5 newborn girls in an island and just see what happens but that sounds very unethical and unlikely to succeed at anything

I do think the way we need to change things is a major shift in socialisation, but I don’t think the major determining factor is due to biology

[ascending-sunsetbutterfly]

I’ve seen some stuff going around about issues related to controversial lyrics in the last hours, so since I was going to make a post about this anyways, I want to weigh in on the ‘cancel culture’ issue in social media we seem to have.

First of all,

There is no obligation for you to follow someone or support someone’s idea if you don’t agree with it - if you do not agree you’re in the right to unfollow something, especially if it triggers you in whatever way possible. You’re not, in any way, obliged to conform to others’ opinions.

HOWEVER

You can have your own opinion but do not discredit others opinion in the process, especially if it involves personal experiences as it is a sensitive trail to tread on when you do so. -  IF the issue is not afflicting you directly and you do not have enough insight or experience to know what the other side is talking about, then stay quiet instead of invalidating their opinion. For example, I am someone who due to trauma caused by abuse have a strong stance on children’s rights and do not believe parents have a ‘free pass’ to do or say whatever they want to their child if this can harm them in any way. I’ve witnessed first hand what it is to be gas-lighted for decades, manipulated, threatened, etc. and people within the circle of the abusers rarely believe me because these monsters put up a fake image of sympathy to earn others trust while in their back they will talk miserably about them. If you were to try to invalidate my experience by saying I’m a ‘liar’ or that ‘others have it worse’ I would lose my shit with you, and the same logic applies to other people who have struggles. You cannot tell a black person or a native American or a Hispanic or a person from an Asian country that their experiences with racism or oppression are invalidated as a white person (this is one of the most commonly referenced examples I can give and that I believe, a vast majority agrees with, unless you’re a Nazi sympathizer or racist).

Just because someone criticized your fave(s) it doesn’t mean they ‘hate’ them. criticism helps build character as long as it is done correctly. Giving pointers like ‘Oh, they did this... I understand they were not aware since they’re from x country or city, but this is something that is considered toxic in y.’ is better than ‘omg, this b*tch did this, I cannot believe, CANCELLED’ is utterly unwise. Unless it involves something that stems from common sense and basic morality (like physical violence or any form of abuse, cultural appropriation, racism, sexism, misogyny, exclusionist rhetoric, homophobia, transphobia, aphobia, etc.) willingly exerted over an innocent individual or group while being completely aware of the consequences it entails, and there is considerable proof (such as written or recorded) to support it, taking that kind of action is something completely immature not to mention you’re behaving like an extremist and that won’t earn you any respect from others, not even towards yourself.

In that same manner, this does not give you free reign to send anon hate to someone regardless of what they say or do. You’ll be the one brimming with negative energy for lowering yourself to their level or even a lower level than the receptor of your derogatory messages and this does not help you in any way.

In the same manner, if you would not accept a certain behavior from an average citizen, then do not condone it just because it is your fave(s) that did it. For example, Seungri and the scandal connected to the prostitution rings and human as well as sex trafficking he is involved in and how some fans still stand up for him because it’s their fave? Some people still defend him to this day. Yes, humans can also go to this extreme.

There are some people who can change, there are others whom it’s not worth losing your energy with and that is something you need to find a balance for. I will not say it is easy, I struggle with this myself as well, but realize that people sometimes come from different backgrounds and stances, probably didn’t have the access to the same resources and information as you and therefore could not ever guess certain knowledge and data you possess. Propaganda is everywhere, and we’re not immune to it. To have a truly impartial opinion is impossible because to defend morals in itself you have a biased opinion already, however, we recognize that to guarantee the safety of not only ourselves but others we must be biased and by that, I mean that we must have morals that affect us in our everyday lives, in our rights to fundamental freedoms and basic necessities, in our way of behaving according to our culture, etc. In that same sense, there are some people worth spending a whole 2 hours explaining a topic to them and in a calm manner, not in a continuous condemning and offensive way as the listener will not feel inclined to hear you out if you behave abrasively. I know it’s tough but there’s a difference between being assertive (being guided by logic and a calm manner while establishing your needs without trampling on others) and being aggressive (being guided by emotions and going on a slaying rampage towards others, not even caring to take into consideration how you treat others - like Trump does). If you cannot find a common ground and are wasting time and energy, then it’s not worth it, don’t waste your time, be more productive with those who might listen and above all, if they do not agree then avoid furthering the issue if you see that it’s a sensitive topic, because you’re just wearing yourself out.

Changing ideas is normal and productive.  - pretty self-explanatory here. Knowledge is always changing, don’t trust everything the media says and don’t go by just one source. The world is built on propaganda, learn to question everything you read or watch.

Cussing out others when you cannot build an argument yourself does not make you look smarter or more reputable.

Just because a majority agrees with something, it doesn’t mean it’s ‘right’ to do or support. - For example, I see the majority of the population lately not wearing masks nor respecting social distancing. Does that make them ‘right’ in doing so? No! Because the threat of the virus isn’t over! The majority isn’t always right, and you should be able to make your own conclusions and act on them, don’t just ‘go with the flow’ because you fear social reprisal for taking a different stance!! In the same way, before you jump at someone try to learn the whole story behind it, even if it’s a friend of yours because people. have. biases!!!!

It’s completely fine if you do not know enough about a topic and cannot make a well sourced argument or take a stance on it due to it. -  Much better than taking a stance and then looking like a fool because you did not know enough about it beforehand.

What to take from this post:

Humans can go from one extreme to the other, and this is why philosophers like Hobbes are right in saying that we must have the rule of law and cannot be left to fend for ourselves in a ‘state of nature’ because we could have complete anarchy where the masses judge unfairly and condemn innocent people. On the other hand, philosophers like Locke who believe that without the ‘state of law’ we could also act on our benevolent principles and conduct justice where it’s not being delivered (which is why we’re seeing the protests in the USA in defense of the victims of racism at the hands of cops so far) is also true. As people, we must find the middle ground to achieve balance because we are beings who live off of extremes and by doing so we never achieve true happiness, not to mention we steal others’ happiness at times to achieve a ‘fake’ sense of happiness ourselves; sometimes we willingly ignore the voices of the vulnerable to go to sleep more well rested whereas others who possess no empathy are true monsters and could not care less. 

Learn to improve yourself and ‘break free’ from external influence but also do not forget basic values that could put at risk others’ safety and dignity.

[trickstarbrave]

I see some of my old posts abt this getting likes still so I did feel the need for whatever reason to post an update or rather restatement to my views on the topic

I know this is a horribly tired topic that was discoursed to hell and then left behind and for good reason so as a warning: ace discourse below

First and foremost I’m not in the business of telling ppl wholesale they don’t belong in the community. The vast majority of ace ppl are also other various lgbt identies and trying to “remove” people from the community is not a thing I’d ever advocate for nor have I really ever as far as I can remember. If I have in bad faith I would like to extend an apology bc I have bad memories problems and think those actions are wrong and harmful. If the consensus is ace ppl are lgbt then I’m not here to say everyone else is wrong and I’m the authority on lgbt identities. We are a coalition group, a mashing of communities w sometimes shared histories and experiences. Even if I think ace and aro ppl don’t have as many of those in common I don’t get to decide if they are or not. They are now and I’m more focused on making that work

Still though since it’s inception the ace community has not been a very healthy one. As at best a newer addition to the lgbt community being brought to light and given a label and community, the community has been toxic. Much of the foundational moments for identity were from the AVEN forums and a lot of harmful misogynistic, transphobic, homophobic, and ableist things were said on their and supported. This kind of behavior has continued well into the community even today.

This is not a moral judgment on asexuals or aromamtics. I’m aromantic. I was also subjected to these things. I always felt alienated from the community. Even when trying to engage behavior was half the time welcoming and understanding and half the time felt very hostile. I point this out because again: many asexuals and aromantics are other lgbt identies and this rhetoric is very harmful. It’s alienating. It makes you feel guiltier at times. Furthermore at times the community pressured ppl who did not have absolutely any desire for sex in any capacity to be okay with it, as though they were on the same level as people who liked and enjoyed sexual acts removed from sexual attraction to people. Sometimes it encouraged harassing people for saying having sex was a vital part of relationships for them and they felt incompatable with someone who was repulsed by sex and didn’t feel abstaining for a hypothetical ace partner would be healthy for either of them. Even more alarming was qpp’s, really originating from the aro community, spreading and simply being a tool for a while in many circles to coerce people into relationships who otherwise wouldn’t be okay with polyamory or were underaged. I’ve seen so much harm and been subjecting to it that I did have to (and still want to but avoid it for stress reasons) point this out. Even more alarming was during the discourse era seeing big name ace bloggers with large underaged followings bring on self admitted pedophiles to their blogs, and refusing to apologize when said pedophile admitted to sexually harassing minors. Lies were spread to demonize lesbians especially, and to a degree gay men as well, including that we steal funding we don’t need

As well (currently) the lgbt community hasn’t had the best resources to provide a good environment for ace and aro issues, and the ace community has not made it a priority in many spheres to curate those spaces either. As an aro sexual abuse victim there were many times I didn’t want to see public displays of affection or hear abt sexuality of any kind at times (despite not being ace) and I knew asking for those to cease in lgbt spaces would be harmful and come across as bigoted. Lgbt spaces are places to express your comfort in your identity and your relationships in the way cishet ppl can whenever they want to in society. Seeking out spaces without that just meant retreating and being alone. A curated space for aro and ace ppl would have removed tension I know many people have had and still do experience by providing refuge for sex and romance repulsed ace and aro ppl

I felt more boundaries would be beneficial, as while trans people are no doubt a part of the lgbt community (regardless of how many trabsphobes say we don’t belong), trans specific areas and communities still exist. Trans spaces where trans experiences are centered are a priority. The ace community regardless needs better spaces for ace people besides social media and Internet forums. It needs structure and accountability. It needs to unlearn harmful practices and bigotry that have run rampant for their own members’ sake, not for the sake of outside people to see validity in it.

And for a while, people who were otherwise cisgendered, heteroromantic and asexual would speak out in lgbt spaces about trans and gay issues because this is the “same community”. Cis gay men have no authority on lesbian, bi, or trans issues. Cis lesbians have no authority on gay men’s, bi, or trans issues. Cis heterosexual trans ppl shouldn’t talk abt lgbp issues w authority. Cishet ace and aro ppl shouldn’t talk those either. A lot of the hostility and early discourse was abt that, about those bloggers who very quickly left the discussions and website entirely in some cases, speaking about issues that shouldn’t concern them. About homophobia and how it should be treated or tolerated, using slurs they had no right using, and more. Even more alienating was ppl saying a character was ace rather than gay, and when pointed out they could be both it resulted in backlash as trying to take away ace representation, and then real human survivors of sexual abuse who were dead were framed as ace icons and ace representation while framing their discussions of their reactions to sexual abuse as “the ace experience”. Lies spread that ace conversion therapy was a thing and that doctors were going to hold you down and feed you medicine to make you want to have sex, terrifying many young bloggers on this website who genuinely believed and lived in fear of this happening until they were told it was misinformation and lies.

(Yes you can be sexually assaulted for being ace, yes victims of sexual abuse can as a result ID as ace or aro, that’s not what I’m arguing against in case somehow someone finds a way )

But from the other side I’ve seen and spoken out against people who just said bigoted things. Claiming there were too many gender and sexuality identities. I think the split attraction model is limited to ace and aro ppl to explain our identities more coherently and misapplying it to others only servers in the end to stigmatize various sexualities, but this went beyond that. For many people “grey” and “demi” modifiers are useful. I’m grey aro. My romantic feelings are complicated and inconsistent enough I think it’s not average. Sure to a degree “anyone” could be demi or aro and many ppl in the ace community have misattributed those modified identities to ppl who didn’t even fully explore how they felt, but they are not worthless. I can count to you how many times I’ve felt genuine romantic attraction, and I do not fully understand the intricacies of romantic attraction, nor the differences at time between platonic feelings in practice. I was mocked for my identity several times and saw people with identities like mine mocked. This was not a discussion of it these identities were harmful like claiming disassociating during sex was a normal sexual identity. At worst they are unnecessary.

I’ve been always more invested abt having a better community for ace and aro ppl bc that’s what I ultimately wanted. No, they didn’t have the messy intertwined history of other lgbt identities but also they didn’t have to be. Lgbt or not there wasn’t a space for ace and aro ppl I thought was really healthy. It was either they existed there in a group with other people with their issues being talked about or not at all. Ace pride colors were based on the at times toxic forum website AVEN. The aro community was often overlooked by ace ppl or at times actively thrown under the bus.

And lies and misinformation was still spread. Pieces of history incoherently being co-opted and misappropriated to seem legitimate. And to top it all off ace and aro specific oppression was incoherently discussed to. How different forms of oppression work together and often feed into each other or take new shapes was ignored. Studies were extremely limited in scope, loaded, and mostly inconclusive. Facets of misogyny and even homophobia were framed as ace exclusive and unique experiences, and people lied about real life discrimination for being ace (usually these were young people like the 15 y/o who claimed to have two gay dads who kicked her out for being ace, so I won’t dwell on those as much. Tumblr has been a weird website). Discussions of race especially were riddled w terrible behavior from white ace bloggers who resorted to lying, shaming, and guilt tripping. All this only serves to fan the flames and drive a wedge between communities even tho inclusionists claimed it was all evil exclusionists doing while refusing to call out the misinformation and bigotry they often spread. There was no purpose in harassing bloggers of color, no purpose in terrifying children so they lived in fear of medical professionals and most ppl, and no excuse.

Hopefully moving on from this it will truly die away, but I hope people learn from it. This wasn’t just as some ppl frame it cis gay and lesbian bloggers starting a harassment campaign to try and kick aces out on a large scale. This was a messy discussion that was years brewing until it exploded in even more vitriol, misinformation, and rage. It became an opportunity to critique an (albeit in comparison young) community for harmful behavior that was going unchecked and lead to even further bigotry, misinformation, and alienation. And the bigotry and misinformation didn’t serve a purpose and little understanding of what ace and aro people needed besides information and education to the public, which was already taking place before this, was had. And ultimately I expected more from the community at large.

To ace and aro followers and readers: I’ve seen some ugly parts of the community but I don’t necessarily demand you answer for that behavior, unless you’re personally guilt of it. I don’t say this because I have a mission to prove you’re bad. I think the community is toxic, but it will ultimately not get better unless ppl who are dedicated to it are willing to help find what resources ppl need, provide it, and refuse to encourage or call out shitty behavior. And ultimately that will come from a place of love and desire to create an environment future generations will feel welcomed in. I just don’t want other ace and aro kids being lied to about what they’ll experience, subjected to homophobia and transphobia of many colors, and at times groomed by adults. And I don’t want it based around just social media where anyone can lie abt credentials and act like an expert to further any of those horrible goals, even unintentionally

[quakerjoe]

Feminism versus Humanism

 Ladies… are some of you actually TRYING to make me a misogynist? If you actually knew me in person, you’d laugh at the merest thought of me being one. However, there are times where I swear to Jesus Horatio Christ that some of you women out there are TRYING to make me one.

 You see, I was a child in the 70’s and a teen in the 80’s. My early years were spent being raised by a single mum. Father was off in ‘Nam, and when he got home, he left to go fight his own demons, so I never knew him really. I developed the deepest respect for women. Most of my favourite teachers were women. One of my closest and best friends growing up was a girl. A girl taught me how to fight and stand up for myself. My stepdad was a fun-going, gentlemanly type who has enormous respect for women. It was just the norm growing up, except for Bible studies, and the genuine misogyny taught in the “good book” is one of the major factors behind why I bailed on religion. So if you think I’m a misogynist; spare me.

 I mean, if I rant on here about some guy in government or whatever and I call him a ‘dick’ or an ‘asshole’ or, being a Brit, a ‘cunt’, it’s totally overlooked. However, once in a while, we get the likes of Sarah Palin, Anne Coulter, Michelle Bachmann, and now Kellyanne Conway. If I use the same terms towards them, suddenly some of you rant and call me a misogynist. Seriously. It happens here. Mostly I delete that rubbish and often ban people like that. I don’t have time for that load of shit. I hate women the same way I hate men- equally. To me, a person is a person. If I’m not interested in or actively seeking to date you, then I couldn’t care less. If you’re a dick, then you’re a dick, male or female. When I call Conway a Twatwaffle, that’s because it applies directly to HER and not to her gender or to all women. I’ve called men that too. Like it or not, I’m a supporter of equality on ALL levels. This is what brings into question: Feminism versus Humanism.

 Now I’ve heard women who claim to be feminists define feminism as an attitude that encompasses equality for all. No exceptions. Some have then gone on to define examples of misogyny in regards to other terms people use like “mankind” and “guys” and so forth and how they are male-dominated terms that somehow degrade women. Well, in all honesty, I tend to agree. However, when I point out that “feminism” is a term that many mistake as the elevation of women to a position superior to men, and that some men are stupid enough to feel threatened by that and that they might be emasculated, they get bent. Apparently, their “conservative” blood comes to a boil, and things that apply to others do not apply to them or their precious term.

 “Fem”, to be perfectly clear and honest, implies “female”, and there are those who believe that “feminism” is everything they fear- not equality but subversion of the male (or transgender). I’ve seriously had to have exchanges like that to discuss what ‘feminism’ means to one side, and to TRY and explain why some people find the term threatening. Then I get the benefit of being trolled or attacked from BOTH sides of the issue. Well, fuck the lot of you. I’m going with the term that I prefer: HUMANISM.

 Here’s the deal. There’s no “fem” in “Humanism”. Line up a woman, a man, a transgender, people from different walks of life to include White, Black, Latino, Asian and include Atheist, Christian, Hindi, Muslim, Jew, straight, gay, bi… What do they ALL have in common? BEING HUMAN. Ergo, HUMANIST is, by my reckoning, the better term to indicate that you support equality for ALL humans, from ALL genders and skin tones and religions and sexual orientations and preferences. If you’re STILL confused by the term after that (and I’m sure there will be because, as George Carlin said- “Think about how stupid the average person is and then realize that half of ‘em are stupider than that!”) then it’s on YOU to realize that your kind are what’s really and truly wrong with the world on all levels. I’m done with feminism and being attacked by women for being a feminist when I’m trying to be on their side of the fight. I don’t NEED to fight. I don’t need to stand up for anything, really. I’m an average white guy. I’ve got a “white privilege” card that was issued at birth, and I despise it, but I’m guilty somehow for having one. I’ve got the “Man Card”, which I also despise, but I get shit from women for having it, even if I never use it. I live in a nation where white dudes are running the show, and on a direct level, I don’t need to fight; at least not for myself. Like I said earlier, though, I have three daughters. When I fight, I will fight for them. My best mate is a transgender male. I will fight for him. Some of my best mates are women. I’ll fight for them, not just because I care specifically about them, but because in my mind, it’s the RIGHT thing to do. People are just people. If you can do a thing, then do it. If you can’t, then try something else. What’s going on between your legs shouldn’t ever enter into it, EVER. Some people are smart, others pretty fucking stupid. Some are strong; some weak. What the fuck ever. Just be the one most important thing that you and everyone else can be. Just be HUMAN, and be the best one you can. Oh, and don’t be a dick.

-Quaker Joe

[moodboardinthecloud]

When Women Don’t/Speak

If anything, the women were more qualified than the men.

“I mean, these are extraordinarily bright women,” BYU political-science professor Jessica R. Preece (BA ’03) says of the women in their latest study. “And yet, we see these patterns . . . ,” she says, trailing off.

She and her BYU colleagues set out to examine the female experience in a top-10, predominately male collegiate accounting program—a program where the women, overall, matriculated with higher GPAs and more leadership experience than their male peers. The students move through the program on teams, and administrators wanted to know how best to build them. Traditionally, they spread the women out—for diversity, right?

The researchers were well suited: political-science professor Christopher F. Karpowitz (BA ’94, MA ’96) is a nationally recognized expert on group gender dynamics, and Preece and economics professor Olga Stoddard basically run a gender think tank at BYU, the Gender and Civic Engagement Lab.

Here’s the short of it: even though both men and women reported loving their groups, because of the study’s findings, the program will not put a woman alone on a team of men again.

What happens when women are outnumbered? After years spent analyzing lab and real-life settings to determine what it takes for a woman to really be heard—to truly be perceived as competent and influential—these professors have found the same truth: for women, having a seat at the table does not mean having a voice.

“Women are systematically seen as less authoritative,” says Preece. “And their influence is systematically lower. And they’re speaking less. And when they’re speaking up, they’re not being listened to as much, and they are being interrupted more.”

This applies well beyond study groups.

“Group-level decision making is ubiquitous,” says Karpowitz. It ranges from the highest level, where men and women work together in Congress and the U.S. Supreme Court, on down to juries, town halls, PTAs, and work teams. It applies even on Church ward councils and in families, he stresses. In one realm or another, no one falls outside the scope of this research.

However inadvertent, the gender dynamics shutting women down are real, says Preece. The environment, she emphasizes, doesn’t have to be hostile. “Multiple things can be true at once. You can simultaneously like the people you’re working with and still let biases creep in.”

Rather than outright misogyny, she says it’s usually cultural norms and gendered messages that subtly—and profoundly—shape the rules of engagement. Individuals who suppress female speech may do so unwittingly. “They may love women,” says Preece. “They may even be a woman!” But as a society we have been “slowly socialized over years to discount” female expertise and perspectives.

The problem, in part, could be you. Says Preece: “We have lots of learning and unlearning to do.”

A Crucial Perspective

In some spheres women have the gift of gab—particularly in groups of women. So what if they become demure in other spheres? Why does this matter?

For starters, women are “likely to identify different things as problems in the first place,” says Preece. In politics women often think differently about issues than men do; the literature even shows they can have a cooperative, democratizing impact on deciding bodies. “Women are more likely to think about, What are the needs of families and children and how do we care for those who have the least in our society?” says Karpowitz. “Many men focus on different priorities, such as how to balance the budget or change the tax structure.”

Sidebar: A Political Hole

Women now outpace men in education and voter turnout but are politically “opting out,” say Preece and Stoddard, in every other metric, from casual political dialogue to representation on the ballot.

Click here to see their research on the politician gender gap—and how to close it. Turns out “binders full of women” matter.

He sees threads of this at BYU.

“Some of my most impressive students have been women here at BYU whose core interest is, How do I simultaneously prioritize my family and my scholarly work? I never hear male students talk like that. Ever. And yet that balance . . . ought to be just as important for men.”

The researchers cite Church leaders like Sister Reyna Aburto in her April 2018 general conference talk, “With One Accord,” in which she spoke of counseling together: “Revelation is scattered among us, and when we put that revelation together, we can see more.” Or President M. Russell Ballard’s 1994 “Counseling with Our Councils,” in which he called for “sisters to have full opportunity to contribute” and compared the effect of asking the sisters for their ideas to “opening the floodgates of heaven.”

What’s more: women’s involvement changes group behavior—and outcomes.

Karpowitz never set out to study gender. His PhD work at Princeton was trained on group decisions—how ordinary people reach consensus, how individuals establish influence and authority, or “the idea that other people will listen, believe there is value in what is being said, and might even change their opinions in response to that.” But as he and Princeton colleague Tali Mendelberg examined another scholar’s dataset, the gender differences were nothing short of “dramatic.”

In the study, groups chose how to divvy up money. Women could not influence a group’s outcome unless there were a lot of them—and those groups reached very different conclusions. Groups with more women gave more generously to the people with the least. And the people in these groups reported feeling happier with their decisions. “That struck us as really important to understand,” says Karpowitz.

Upon his arrival at BYU in 2006, he and Mendelberg set out to unpack it. In a series of studies, they’ve shown that women can bring new perspectives and solutions—but only when they are able to participate.

That’s the hang-up.

“In real time,” he says, “we were able to get this view of how it is that women can be disempowered.”

The evidence is amassed in their award-winning book, The Silent Sex, which the International Society of Political Psychology as well as the American Political Science Association’s political psychology and experimental research sections each named the best book of the year. And their findings are instructive for us all.

How Women Are Disempowered

The Karpowitz and Mendelberg studies began with a large controlled experiment in which groups of five, with varying gender compositions, were asked how to split their collective earnings—and how economic redistribution should work in society at large.

Half of the groups were assigned to decide by majority rule—the most common protocol decision-making bodies use. Here’s what happened in those groups:

Unequal Talking Time: Equality would suggest that each person in a group of five has the floor 20 percent of the time, but it took not just a female majority but a supermajority (meaning four out of five) for women to finally speak their proportionate talking time. At best, outnumbered women in the study spoke three-quarters of the time a man spoke; on average, women spoke just two-thirds as much as a man. And missing voices means missing perspectives: they weren’t bringing up things they had said, in surveys beforehand, that they cared about.

A lone female spoke the least. A lone male? Nothing will hold him back, Karpowitz and Mendelberg found. “Men are willing and eager to jump into conversations, and they come with a level of confidence where they just expect themselves to be influential,” says Karpowitz. “They go for it no matter what.”

Routinely Interrupted: Ever had someone cut you off? Maybe it was argumentative—an “I don’t think so” or “That’s not right”—or maybe the person just talked over you, stole the floor. Such negative interruptions, says Karpowitz, “sap the authority of the speaker,” and men commit them most. Interestingly, the patterns of negative interruptions are also tied to gender composition. Put a woman alone with four men, and 70 percent of the interruptions she receives from men are negative. Compare that with having four women in the room: here, just 20 percent of the interruptions women receive from men are negative. To quote the study, when women have the numbers, “men undergo a drastic change. They become far less aggressive.”

Limited Influence: The researchers asked group members individually who in their group was most influential. Talking time predicted everything: those who held the floor most won. Ergo, “the same conditions that create disproportionate silence by women also create disproportionate authority by men,” Karpowitz and Mendelberg write.

A Possible Solution

Karpowitz and Mendelberg’s work sent such huge ripples through the field because of what they did with the other half of the groups. These were assigned to make their decisions via unanimous rule. It was the first-ever study to look at how gender composition interacts with decision rule.

For outnumbered women, unanimous rule paid dividends:

• Female talking time increased for women in the minority—a lone woman participated nearly as much as a man.

• Unanimous rule significantly increased positive interruptions—interjections that affirm and validate, like “Yeah” and “I agree.” Such positive interruptions tripled for women in the minority. “Women tend to be really sensitive to the signals that other members of the group send,” says Karpowitz. “If the group sends signals that build confidence, women tend to participate more.”

• The influence gap narrowed for a lone woman—she had almost as much of a shot as a man at being voted the most influential member by her group.

“Unanimity rule sends the message that everybody’s voice matters,” says Karpowitz. It’s a huge breakthrough for groups with gaping gender disparities. The bottom line, he says: if you want to empower women, apply majority rule when women have the numbers and unanimous rule—or at the very least, an underlying principle of unanimous rule, hearing from everyone—when they don’t.

Seven Ways to Elevate Women’s Voices

Imagine your next work, ward council, town hall, HOA, or PTA meeting. You can help empower the women in the room.

“We have control over these things,” says Karpowitz. “We can invite more women. If we can’t do that, we can do things to make sure the women who are in the room are able to fully contribute and express views.”

1. Men, Listen Up: “Part of what comes of this research is, for men, the importance of listening,” says Karpowitz. For many men, he says, it’s just a matter of becoming aware of these dynamics. “And again, to do that, men may have to actually be quiet at times,” Karpowitz says with a laugh, “and listen.”

The aim is not some “artificial kind of politeness,” he continues. “We’re trying to think about the conditions under which men and women participate equally and are equally influential, that they see each other as authoritative, without one person or one gender dominating the speaking turns.”

Men enter discussions expecting themselves to be influential. “We’re not trying to denigrate that,” says Karpowitz. “What’s important is for women to feel that way too.”

2. Women, Speak Up: Women especially worry about the reactions of others—they worry that by speaking their minds, they are violating gender roles, says Karpowitz. “We need women to be confident and speak up. As they do that, other women see that and respond to it.”

“It’s especially important for women to have role models and mentors,” he continues, in their communities, occupations, and congregations—even at BYU. “Having faithful Latter-day Saint women who are professors at this university is incredibly powerful for women who are students here.”

3. Positive Support Matters: “Think about being an ally,” says Stoddard. Protect—even solicit—the speech of women in the room. If they are interrupted, ask them to finish a thought. Practice positive interruptions, like “That’s an interesting point” or “I’m glad you brought that up.” Such small interjections may seem inconsequential, but the lack of positive support, in combination with negative interruptions, delivers a powerful dose of invalidation for women.

Men especially can have an impact. “We found that in settings where a man would support a woman’s statement, she was able to be more influential,” says Stoddard.

4. Change the Rules: When women are outnumbered, try unanimous rule. “It might take longer to get to a decision,” says Karpowitz, but the literature is resoundingly clear that women thrive in cooperative settings. “We have to think not only about whether the door is open initially for women to come in, but what’s the experience of men and women once they’re here,” says Karpowitz.

5. Watch Out for Stereotypes: “Women are especially less likely to be listened to on topics that men are stereotyped as knowing more about—independent of how much women actually know about these topics,” says Preece. Finances, management, and doctrinal knowledge are a few examples. “Wards and families and couples need to be especially careful that they don’t dismiss women’s voices on topics often seen as masculine.”

6. Leaders, Take Note: “The signals sent by the person in charge matter,” says Karpowitz, who emphasizes this when presenting this research to Church members. In one student thesis, women overwhelmingly shared gratitude for inclusion in ward councils—but almost invariably expressed the feeling that their concerns were easily dismissed. “Occasionally you have a stake president or a bishop who isn’t really interested in counseling together,” says Karpowitz. “He already knows what he wants to do, and what he really wants is everyone to echo his preferences. . . . Our advice is to seek for unity and counsel together until everyone feels good about the outcome.”

7. Teach a Better Way: Parents can model respectful communication and full participation and have explicit conversations about these topics, says Preece. “Kids will be exposed to many examples of gendered patterns of interaction at school, through media, and via our own imperfect behavior, so unless parents take the time to point out unhealthy dynamics, they’re likely to just assume that is the normal way things should be.”

It Can’t Be Overcome by Excellence

Karpowitz, Preece, and Stoddard watched all of this unfold anew in the accounting-program study, where the women who were in the minority were routinely seen—by themselves and others—as the least competent, least influential members of their groups. And this is among 20-somethings raised in the era of #LeanIn and #MeToo—arguably a time in which women have been encouraged to be more ambitious and speak out.

For Preece, it boils down to this: “It can’t really be overcome by excellence.”

As women, she says, “our impulse a lot of times is to be like, ‘Well, if I am just clearly the best, then I can maybe overcome these biases. And the answer is maybe. Sometimes. But mostly, no. It’s bigger than an individual-level problem—it’s a systemic problem, a structural problem.”

From pundits in politics, the business world, and the media, “the solution so often has been, ‘You’ve got to fix the women,’ or, ‘Well, women have just got to lean in,’” says Stoddard. But the experiences women have when they lean in can be very different than a man’s in the same position.

“Advice that works for men doesn’t always work for women, because people react differently,” adds Preece—and this is well supported in the literature. Behavior that seems strong and decisive when it comes from a man, she says, may be interpreted as abrasive and aggressive from a woman. There’s even a term coined for it—the double bind.

“The double bind is huge,” says Stoddard: exhibit traditional female characteristics, she says—warmth, caring, responsiveness to all ideas and assignments—and “you’re going to experience others seeing you as less competent.” But take on male characteristics—leading, disagreeing freely, being assertive, speaking out—and likability suffers. “The competency-likability tradeoff is a constant balancing act for women.”

The goal, the researchers say, is not to change women, but to change the environment in the room.

“It’s not women who are broken; it’s society that’s broken,” says Preece. “Of course we can encourage women to seek for and take advantage of opportunities. . . . But I’d like to see us focus on training people to be—and creating systems that are—supportive of women who speak up.”

Women, Preece continues, have much to contribute. “If we build a world in which women’s voices are valued and listened to, they will speak up without having to be told to,” she says. “The goal is to create a space where women can be seen as influential as their authentic selves.”

Feedback: Send comments on this article to magazine@byu.edu.

https://magazine.byu.edu/article/when-women-dont-speak/?fbclid=IwAR2eREStX7Y07GzMEBAOSPdGyxJTKUTG7T5gGRIH19djsXShlhlRpRIO8cg

[dolphinsdancer]

Maybe you’ll be nicer..next time..

Or maybe there won’t be one.

..if there EVER is a next time. IF I give you another chance..

..IF you deserve one.

The thing is..I know I do. I get ALL the chances.

Because I’m STILL here, because of me..not you.

If it was because of you, I’d be gone..the horrible things you’ve said and done, or just simply not done..at all..have rattled through my brain on those dreadful weak moments..of struggle and pain. I’m still here. Because of me.

Not you.

Because I fought for myself, when no one else cared.

(NOTE:  Before I dive into this..jungle.. I started to write this ~a week++ ago, before this past week of the tragic deaths of Kate Spade & Anthony Bourdain. I’m still sharing it, because I wrote it for the PMDD peeps out there..that sometimes face this struggle with their “demons” monthly, or sometimes daily, or sometimes randomly, because it’s like that..vague and individual, and not consistent..even month-to-month. I’ve had stretches of feeling just amazing, just fine.

And..I’ve had a couple bad “episodes”.

Last month (April/May) was horrible. 

Physical pain was back.

Extreme.

Worse I’d had in ~3+yrs, since before my surgery.

Which is discouraging.

Pain like that.

Makes you want to just give up. 

Because you don’t want to live with it.

Again.

In any way, shape, or form. Outside stress makes PMDD..(and PMS..and endometriosis) worse.

This past month has been a bit “lighter”, but still challenging. The toughest moments in the past ~2 months were when I have had to take HEAVY pain meds..

I could take just one, to deal with the moment, and breathe through it, or I could take them ALL, and then maybe the pain, the physical at least..which is real..and mental, which is not (I’ll explain this..below) would just be gone.

Forever. But..I’m still here. Because I fight for me. 

When no one else does. And I share this for those that have felt that pain, on any level, wondered those thoughts, even for a minute..and need a moment, to have someone tell them, to let them know they are not alone.. And I share it, even though it may not be perfect, and may not be finished, because it is too important to wait another moment..to help someone, if you can

..if I can.. I will. I can and will fight for others struggling. Like only one person (my sister from another Mama) has fought for me.. I will fight for me. I will fight for you).

So here goes. How do you explain something that most people don’t STILL believe even exists? How do you explain something that has judgements so deeply rooted in horrible misogyny & people, both men & women (but I’ve seen & heard it more from men)..make nasty comments..like “she’s ‘PMS’ing’, or “she’s being a bitch, it must be that ‘time of the month’..”, or the other endless statements..  The funny thing is..I more often than not, am totally biting my tongue, simply because I don't want to be called "angry" or "bitchy", or "that angry uncontrollable bitch, etc.." by that person who doesn't understand 

(and makes no effort to do so..), because then it only proves their point/opinion about me..(even though in truth they quite frequently deserve to be verbally eviscerated..)

YET..I restrain. Even though their point/opinion about me is also totally wrong.

Because they’ve never bothered to find out anything about me.

So..I bite my tongue.

Why..

Because.. People don’t know..yet..don’t understand..YET. 1 in ~20 women on this planet deal with this disease (in varying degrees, from mild to extreme), and yet there are almost no treatments, and most doctors, psychologists, medical professionals, etc even deny it..still.

It can not only be a daily struggle with symptoms, mental, emotional, physical, with yourself, but also with medical professionals, and attempting to find REAL help, having people believe you, being afraid to tell anyone, a friend, a boyfriend/husband/potential lover, people at work/your boss, because of how they WILL view and treat you differently.. Like you’re a porcelain doll filled with lava that might explode all over them at any second..utterly fragile and yet volatile (beyond volatile in many eyes), and always at fault..

..and they will always be quick to BLAME the “PMDD” for everything. Whether it is not. So, you hide. That’s why most people who deal with ANY degree of mental health concerns, issues, or diseases, HIDE. Because that is all they become then. But they are not just that, they are so much more, and deserve so much more. And know you are much, much stronger. You are NOT a fragile porcelain figurine.

And..hopefully folks out..the ones that scoff, or doubt, or juggle you like that porcelain doll..all, will READ..and learn.. What PMDD is.. And even then, ask you, talk to YOU, because it truly is different for each woman, and usually different each and every month. And it takes strength beyond ANY strength they even know to function sometimes, to go to work, to be with family, to go grocery shopping, or the gym/workout, or do anything that feels “normal” at all. KNOW you are much, much stronger that PMDD, PMS, Endometriosis, or any physical or mental or emotional conditions, illness, diseases.. You are enough. So..I bite my tongue. Why.. Because.. I personally deal, and have more regularly dealt with the “physical” symptoms of it. You can also have/deal with PMS and PMDD..and more..

(..lucky me..I have both, plus endometriosis, which I’ve had 2 surgeries for..and which I still have, apparently, with a whole lotta scar tissue behind my uterus..so some of the pain might even still be from that..who knows..)

Which meant for YEARS..I didn’t even notice the PMDD, as the pain from severe bleeding, and massively painful periods over-ruled everything else.

Once I started taking a drug a few years ago now (Visanne) for the Endo (and sorta PMS), it took several years for things to “settle down”, and become clearer what symptoms were from what exactly.

I still “cycle”, but without a period, because the Visanne stopped the bleeding part..(good thing, because I was literally bleeding to death every month, bad thing..because I still cycle, but don’t really know where it is, beyond where my PMDD symptoms start and stop and fall..and I track these quite closely, so I know.. and where I know my period was from before I started the Visanne)..so I have a somewhat vague idea of what is going on for me. But stress makes it worse, and I’ve had some brutal stress in the past couple months..that has put thing into a horrendous flair of both physical pain (almost as bad as before my surgery) and mental symptoms - which have been the worst they have ever been.

Good times. As they say. So..WHY then did I decide to start to write this.. I felt it was time to speak up. To say something in support of the PMDD, & PMS & Endo women (or folks that identify as women) out there..because hardly anyone does. And because I was, I am tired of certain people’s judgements, inaccurate perceptions, without bothering to even know me, or ask me if “I’m ok”..or if I needed help, or people who have pretended to care, or give a damn about “mental health”, but really don’t. Because their actions don’t match their words. And it became even more important this week..as I had to briefly stop writing, and wasn’t sure IF I’d finish..because of the deaths in the “celebrity” realms.. And then I realized, it was more relevant than ever to “finish”..

and share. Because MOST people that face mental health issues are NOT celebrities. They are just regular everyday average people. And when they die by suicide, it’s not all over the news, it rarely even gets a mention in a local paper, yet there are 1000′s of people, not celebrities at risk everyday. And because I had someone be so utterly UNkind to me.

(..more about that below..2 examples in fact)

And I knew I had to be better than that..

So..I bite my tongue.

Why..

Because.. Because..as the saying goes.. “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

Or some variation, or order of that. It doesn’t matter. Just be kind. So..yet. I demonstrate unimaginable restraint.

Most the time. I speak my mind, I speak my truth, always with kindness And IF I’m really a bitch, I know it. I own it. And I apologize. Every time. And they are UNkind.

The other..funny..but not in a “hahaha” kinda way..thing is..

I can remember the times that people have been...UNkind.

In those moments of my own struggles. MUCH more vividly than I can recall any moments of kindness.. So it matters. Being UNkind is like handing someone a razor, that they will play over and over again in their mind, shredding and finding the holes in the logic to live..in a place that is already shredded and feeling tattered beyond repair. So be kind. (Or just stay away. Being UNkind is worse). So it matters. Every. Single. Time.

It REALLY matters when people make an effort.

Also..I have to sadly speak to this.. As there are people out there who *CLAIM* to be “mental health advocates”, but are actually the worst..but when someone reaches out, they are rude, dismissive, or simply don’t respond.

At all.

So they are liars..they do the “mental health” thing, posting about it on their social media for show..for RT’s, to feed ego, or whatever other reasons..than the real ones. I had an horrid experience with a woman named Stephanie..last year.

IF you read her twitter feed..

OY..This is one disillusioned, dishonest person..

She claims to be a Ph.D..but of course, the Uni she went to suddenly has no record of it..and other stuff..SMH. I might have believed her, if not for the way she acted in private, and how she clearly and blatantly manipulates people to attempt to get them to feel sorry for her.

She claims to be a part of the “#SickNOTweak” team, but a few CRITICAL times last year, when I reached out to her, she blew me off, was beyond incredibly rude in her responses on Facebook (we had been “friends”), and then she randomly flipped out on me and blocked me. Probably because I started to see through her lies, the inconsistencies, and I started to ask some questions, and call her on things.

Perhaps her own mental health issues are far worse..I attempted/still attempt to be sympathetic, but not when someone is lying.

I hope no one else gets taken in by her..but she uses “celebrity” names to prop up her stories, and name drops and tags them to garner attention and perceived support.

I mention her/that situation only because when I was REALLY struggling last year, she was beyond decimating to me.

There is nothing quite as awful as reaching out to someone who claims to be a mental health supporter, advocate and “understanding”, and have them use that information against you, gaslight you, and in that time-frame, it was quite a shock. I actually came really close at that time to taking my own life, to be struggling, ask for help, and have someone be so dismissive. I know now, who she is, how fake it all is, and it doesn’t impact me. Not any more. And it is interesting to find out your/MY own strength, in moments like that.

I got through those moments, because of me. And I only mention here, because is it hard enough to reach out, it is hard enough to know who to trust with a deeply scary part of yourself, a part of your psyche, to hand yourself over so vulnerable to someone, and have them be so awful, and dismissive, and actually down-right cruel. And because others have told me of times they have reached out, to different people, and have had similar, dismissive, or judgemental experiences. The saddest thing, is people REALLY struggle to reach out.

And usually don’t at all. I want to make sure they do it with the right people, someone who will reach back..(so I can and will share in private who this person is, if you feel you have been taken in and manipulated by her, as I don’t want anyone else to be hurt by her lies..) I will post a list of professional contacts at the end, as I recommend that more that anything else now.

The other person..

..hard to say. I’ve essentially given up hope that they’ll be decent. They have been deeply, hurtful, impactful when I’ve struggled though.. As I can hear their words, sometimes, mean, sometimes mocking, sometimes cruel, sometimes just disconnected, uncaring and vague.

Someone who claims to be a “friend”, but has never acted like a friend.

Who has been awful, and dismissive.

That person that ALWAYS thinks the worst of me, or any message I send.

Reactionary, and angry..and always blaming me, and turning it around on me, instead of taking any ownership of their actions.

Instead of believing that I always speaking from a place of kindness, and curiosity, and genuineness.

But I guess if someone pretends to be genuine, & they are lacking in it, in some way..

When faced with someone who is..genuine, they’d be threatened, as they know I see through the BULLSHIT and masks.

That person that claims to “not judge”, but is the most judgemental person I’ve ever encountered..

or maybe they just treat only me that shitty..

..it seems so.

That person that called me a “categorical liar”, when I simply asked an honest question.

And many other things I’m not at liberty to share. (..or who this is unfortunately..I can confirm/deny if directly guessed, that is it). So..WHY do I share this then..? What I do know..despite my own experiences of encountering some distrustful, hurtful people out there, is TRUST YOURSELF. Even if you struggle with any kind of mental health diseases, illness, issues, or concerns, there is always a part of you that CAN find a way through to light. Even if it’s what I had to do, which was just not die, only because doing so would stick it in the eye of those that abandoned me and didn’t help, when my requests for help were out there and real. And I can say, in truth, that I am here to help, or to at least point you in the direction of help, if what you face is beyond my scope. Sometimes ALL it takes is someone listening, someone who responded to you when you struggled, someone making just a tiny effort that makes the difference in someone’s life.

As to the person I addressed at the start..

From what I’ve seen..and my eyes are even more open now..everyday, I don’t believe you do care. Despite what you say. Your actions will have to speak louder than your lack of words. And there are neither, so..

IF it ever happens, it comes from you. For me to believe again.

But I am here.

Because I fought for me. Because you never did. I will fight for me. I will fight for anyone that needs that reminder to stay alive.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.” ― Mark Twain

RESOURCES AND CONTACT LINES: Canadian Suicide Prevention Line: 1-833-456-4566 Website: suicideprevention.ca (VERY oddly, this site was “offline” when I visited it to confirm the link, hopefully it’s fixed by the time anyone - not like 3am isn’t a critical time for it to be online or anything - needs to access it). Direct link for local/provincial numbers: http://bit.ly/2sSBZiL (US)/National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 (US:1-800-273-TALK) UK: 116 123 Australia:  13 11 14 AND..this one gets a graphic too..as I know of so many transgender folk that have struggled with suicide just because of who they are, or gender dysphoria. Canada: 1-877-330-6366 US: 1-877-565-8860

[anautisticdragon-blog]

"That's Captain Andy's video, there. Not Noel's. Andy's good people."

Noel Plum -- Just Another Alt-Right Sociopath

I didn't reach this conclusion easily, I had to swallow back my nausea and force myself to sit through many of his videos and endure the anxiety, just to be sure. It's important to me to not rush to a conclusion like that. What I've noticed as a recurring factor in his videos is that he's truly a masterclass of manipulation. This isn't uncommon in sociopathy, as they are very social creatures and if they're almost entirely devoid of any level of concern, compassion, and care? Well, those social skills will be turned toward getting people to dance to their tune. That's precisely what he does. In his videos, he regularly displays a complete absence of any discernible degree of empathy or conscience. I felt inspired to speak up thanks to his beautifully bigoted video on the constipatedly convoluted construct of 'disability privilege.' A silliness that was admirably, artfully deconstructed by a fellow I'm rather fond of who goes by the moniker of Captain Andy. You can see his video embedded above and it's certainly worth a watch as it really does serve to highlight how manipulative Noel Plum actually is. In this scenario, Noel Plum was having a discussion with Captain Andy about 'disability privilege.' As the discussion went on, the ugly, I'd even say grotesque, levels of confirmation bias present in Noel's words was easily laid bare. Instead of gracefully accepting defeat, Noel rather slyly opted to put together a YouTube video on the topic, one where his alarming hate speech could have an undisturbed platform. And no, he didn't link to the discussion with Captain Andy. He's very manipulative, like I said, which means that he's actually quite clever even though he's an intolerable bag of dicks who's as stark raving crazy as a bag of spanners. Lots of things come in bags. Anyway, his argument is wrong, which he definitely knows but he wants to push it anyway. If you can't achieve a higher ground in a debate, what do you do? A well adjusted person would just admit defeat. If they were intelligent, they might also use the opportunity to be introspective so that they could learn and grow from the experience. Their empathy would give them a primetime reel of how they'd been a right bloody muppet, leading to heartfelt apologies and bridges built between people. It's really not hard to respect your fellow human being as a human being, is it? Well, not unless you're a sociopath. And if you're a sociopath, why admit defeat when you can use your manipulative talents to trick vast numbers of weak-willed sycophants and mendicants who're so unfortunately in need of attention and validation that they'd believe anything? And no, this isn't insensitive, this is concern because think about what I'm saying and then ask yourself this: How do cults happen? Not everyone is strong. In an ideal world I'd want to see everyone built up on a strong foundation so that they wouldn't need to seek attention and validation from others, this isn't a perfect world, is it? This is why, for example, illnesses such as internalised misogyny and stockholm syndrome even exist. It really is very unfortunate, and I know a lot about this myself as a disabled person who has experienced many of these things. I'm not accusing anyone of anything, here. I'm talking from experience. There was a dark period of my life where I was held prisoner. I still have yet to heal from the whole sordid affair as it lasted for years of my life. It's not something you'd wish on your worst enemy. I mentioned prior to this that I'd experienced rape and abuse, I'd been tortured. What happens when your life is nothing but that for so long you lose hope? I'm not going to expect everyone to suddenly understand how PTSD works, but I would use this opportunity to ask you to read up on it and take an opportunity to grow as a person with new knowledge of the kind of suffering I've endured and still endured. Here's an example I can give you, though: If, for example, you're being raped and you hear a train rumble by outside as it's happening? The brain just loves to make connections. I can't ride on trains any more. I used to love trains. An unfortunate factor of autism is that in certain cases of the spectrum (though not all, no aspect of it is Universal as all brains are different) one may be hyper-sensitive. This also means that the autistic mind can be sensitive to trauma, which mine is. Despite efforts made with both CBT and medication, I still can't leave my house. The last time I tried I experienced a seizure. In this sociopath's view, I shouldn't be entitled to any support despite what's happened to me. Noel Plum is telling me that if I can't work, then the government shouldn't provide me with anything. The only reason I have a roof over my head and the small amount of money on which I live is thanks to the charity of the British government and its people. Which weighs on my conscience heavily. Not that Noel would know anything about how that feels. If I could go outside, if I could be around other people enough to work, then I'd do it. I can't interact with people, though, at all. I have to live in isolation. The jobs available to me in this scenario are both simply too scarce and wouldn't provide a high enough pay grade to actually live on. So I'd end up homeless, without a doubt. I wouldn't last long, there. I could see myself having an aneurysm and that would be that. Thanks for helping confirm my fear of sociopaths, though, Noel. I can't ever be around people thanks to monsters like you, just because they're going to share the same kind of face and my mind reacts with such an overpowering, overwhelming, irresistible fear response that I just break. Thanks for confirming my traumas and empowering them. When I was younger, I was incredibly bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, an overly naive and optimistic child whose innocence and hope were stolen by sociopaths. I don't have those any more. I have very little faith in humanity in general, these days, and all I know now is the cynicism I feel for the kind of creatures I know humans can be. I'm jaded, and I often wake up wondering whether it's worth actually going on. Yes. These are feelings. Do they make you feel uncomfortable? Do you want to rush off and create a YouTube video about it? Sure, you certainly could be a massive monument to human indecency, much like our wonderful role model, here. You could. Don't. It's a chance for you to actually be a decent human being and actually listen. In my aforementioned glory days, the halcyon days of my youth, as sepia tinted and nostalgic as they are? I was incredibly bright, my reading age was far beyond the average, almost a decade ahead of where it should have been. I was reading physics books when the other children around me were still preoccupied with fairy tales. I was an artist, a musician, tutors regularly told me that I was quite the talented wunderkind. Can you imagine what it's like to have all of that torn away? I'm certain I would've loved to enter into some scientific field or other, given the opportunity. I wanted that, so badly. In many ways, I still do. I don't know if you can grasp what that's like, to have your potential just ripped away so that all you can do is hide inside a house because you feel so much fear. You can't trust anyone as they look like evil demons, it's lead many to incorrectly assume that I'm a misanthrope, which is in stark opposition to how I actually feel. Yes, people scare me. Do I care about them? Yes. Do I want to try and help them avoid suffering? Yes. It's really difficult to do this. What I see though is that if I don't speak out? The people who're so very easily manipulated by sociopaths like Noel Plum are going to sleepwalk through it and spread his hate speech harmfully throughout the world as unaware proxies. It's a difficult effort for me but this simply has to be challenged so that no one else has to endure what I've had to. Do you think I should be homeless? It's a simple question. It's one I'd ask to that sociopath as well, though he'd likely find some way to worm out of it with fallacious arguments and veiled, passive-aggressive attacks as is the way of sociopaths. And, yes, the alt-right is a movement lead by sociopathic key figures who others are being manipulated by, it's a very real, very harmful problem. Take a look at boogie2988 as an example. I don't think he's a sociopath, I think he's one of the people being manipulated as he's a bit of a pushover. He's being an echo chamber for toxic viewpoints simply because he's just too afraid to challenge the sociopaths who're forcing their toxic ideologies on him. It became obvious to me when he went from saying in one video that his followers shouldn't attack Anita Sarkeesian as she really doesn't deserve the hate, to another where he claimed that Anita deserved whatever came her way. That was fast. And no one changes their tune that fast unless they're scared. The alt-right think that boogie2988 is aligned with them. He's not. He's morbidly fucking terrified of them and I really don't blame him. I bet that he's worried that if he speaks out he'll have more threats of assassination, or boxes of shit mailed to his door. He's admitted that's happened to him, which just makes me feel worse. I won't demonise him for this. I'm going to give boogie2988 the benefit of the doubt. He doesn't ping my sociopath radar at all. Of course, there is a possibility that he's simply a more talented manipulator who manages to be more subtle in his efforts. Not that I believe that, as I don't think that that level of paranoia is necessary or justified. As such, I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm open to being wrong, though, so tell me if I am. I don't think he's a manipulator, though. He's too wishy-washy. It doesn't fit. No, he's one of those I mentioned who're manipulated by the actual sociopaths out there, the YouTube faces of the alt-right. Individuals who obviously have no capacity for empathy or conscience whatsoever. You know how I feel about Noel Plum, though I'd also namedrop the comedy duo of TL;DR and Sargon as obvious candidates as well. As I keep saying: All you have to do is look for the lack of empathy and conscience. A sociopath believes their 'common sense' is the be all and end all, that they can use that to manipulate people as it make them objectively correct. They don't realise that by not having empathy and compassion, there's a lot of nuance and subtext regarding humanity they're never going to understand. So people like Noel Plum, TL;DR, and Sargon wonder why so many react negatively to them, yeah? This is why. They're sociopaths. If you don't have any capacity for empathy, compassion, concern, or care then you'll likely not be well liked, will you? I haven't seen one video where these people have shown any of those traits. Not one. Not. One. As always, I'm happy to be proven wrong. Please note that asinine attacks designed to undermine me based upon my disability aren't evidence that these people aren't sociopaths. I hate that I have to say this. I couldn't hold back the soulful sigh as I wrote those words, but I know all too well how humans can be. Especially when those humans are either sociopaths or the unaware proxies who're acting as their cult of personality. So let's ask another question: Do you think I'm able? The able person has privilege. I wish I did. I had places I used to enjoy going to when I was younger that I no longer can. I, for example, sorely miss video game arcades. There are some left in the UK and I would genuinely love to visit one, I truly would, but I wouldn't be around other people. It isn't fair to expect to have an arcade to myself, either. I am absolutely not the one per cent, nor do I wish to be. I want everyone to enjoy these things. So even if I can't, I can enjoy it vicariously without the guilt of impeding others. I still wish I could go to one, though. I'd like that. It's such a silly, simple thing, isn't it? I want to visit a video game arcade. I don't want a big house, a fast car, or any of that rot, I'd just like to visit a video game arcade as I have some... very fond memories of them from my youth. It was a happier time. I hate that I need to do this. I do. I'm just sick of being victimised by sociopaths like Noel Plum. I'm scared, I'll admit it, this is terrifying to do as I might bring down the wrath of the sociopaths and their proxies on my head. I know that. I live in fear enough and this is likely to make it worse, but I have to be strong enough to try. I have to be bull-headed and give this my all. If I don't, I'm a hypocrite. And as I do have a conscience, unlike Noel Plum, it would just drag me down and burden me further if I didn't make this effort. I am scared, yes, but it has to be done. I think people need to talk about these things. I really believe that's necessary. I'd like to go outside. I can't. I have to pay others to walk my dog for me since I can't do that myself. I thankfully have a back yard with very tall fences and I can play with him there, but I can't walk him. Anyway, I'm registered as having PTSD and autism. The government knows that I'm unable to go outside and I haven't left my house in over two decades. It's like self-imposed stockholm syndrome, in a way. It's why I brought that up. As I said, I wasn't accusing anyone, just speaking from experience. One no one should ever have to have. So, am I able, Noel? Do I enjoy the same privileges as a healthy person who's able to go outdoors and enjoy that kind of life? I'm stuck in a very small house all the time. I use blackout curtains to block out the outside world, I only have one mirror as I can't stand looking at myself due to being physically disfigured. Am I as privileged as you, do you think? Of course I'm not. Noel's a nasty little man as he's fully aware that individuals such as myself exist, though he cares more about the taxes he has to pay than he does about my well being. As I said, he obviously has no capacity for conscience or empathy, he's a sociopath. As is true of every alt-right ringleader I've seen. So let's ask another question: Do you think I deserve support? Noel would say no. I don't deserve that 'privilege.' What's your opinion, though? What do you think? I wish I could go out there and earn money just as you do, that'd be lovely. I don't have that luxury. Yes, working is a luxury as it brings you far more financial stability and peace of mind than I've ever known. Sometimes I'm so strapped for cash I have to choose between electricity, Internet, and food. I would work, if I could. This is why it's important for you to realise that these alt-right ringleaders are sociopaths, and if you buy into their spiel then you've been played. Played like a fiddle, dancing to their tune, obeying their whims like extremely helpful little puppets. Think for yourself. This kind of toxicity is ruining human society, it's degrading the moral values we've all fought for. It's tearing up the fabric of community that would otherwise bind us together. Why? All to benefit the very few -- the sociopaths. I don't blame you for being a pawn, a piece on a chess board. It's easy to be taken in by these people and manipulated, after all. And sadly, there's more of these nasty individuals out there than we realise. Sociopathy is much more commonplace than you might realise. It always has the same hallmarks, though: They're manipulative, they're schemers, and they've absolutely no capacity for conscience, empathy, concern, or care. They're incredibly self-centred, only interested in their own gain, and often extremely narcissistic and overly confident as well. I'm extremely thankful to people like Captain Andy for speaking up for those like myself. And yes, sometimes we do need that. It's unfortunate, but as I said, we are scared. I'm scared. I'm terrified to do this and even as I type I'm debating with myself over whether I'll actually post it... Just look at Anita Sarkeesian, though. I know, I know how the sociopaths want you to think. Instead, take a look at her page on RationalWiki. Not one of the arguments sociopaths make against her is valid, but they're talented and compelling manipulators so they can easily hide their obvious lack of facts, citations, and information, instead opting to use fallacies and manipulative ploys to get people thinking as they want. No matter what you believe Anita Sarkeesian may be guilty of (which, if we're honest, is nothing more than defending a group of humans who've had to endure some terrible shit), the hatred she experiences is entirely disproportionate to any of the crimes she's been accused of. Why do you hate her so much? Do you know? You've been played. This is what sociopaths do, and they're bloody good at it. And what do most humans never want to admit? They don't want to admit that they were wrong. If they're wrong, they look like weak-minded fools who were played (I've been there, that's happened to me). So they will look for information to back up their lack of wrongness, they'll have this confirmation bias that'll turn into something ugly and nasty. The reason they hate Anita is because subconsciously they know. They know they've been played and manipulated by these sociopaths, they're just too ashamed to admit it, so instead they're doubling down on their attacks in the hopes that no one will actually notice. They fear the judgement baggage that'll accompany admitting they were wrong. Guess what, though? I wouldn't blame you. No one would. I think we've all experienced sociopathic manipulation at some point in our lives. There is no judgement, here. I just want people to realise that the reason they listen to people like Sargon and Noel Plum, the reason they hate women, non-whites, disabled people, and so on? It's because on a subconscious level they know they've been played and they're ashamed, so they're just doubling down on this instead of being big, brave, or confident enough to admit they were wrong. And here I am. A person with PTSD who can't leave their house. If I can find strength enough to do this, to stand up for what I believe in and talk to all of you, why can't those of you who're being proxy for this hate speech just be big enough to admit you were wrong? It's okay. We're all wrong sometimes. It happens. In fact, we're often wrong. It's how we learn. I don't see any harm in that. The only bad part is if you can't admit it to yourself, if you don't open up to the experience and learn from it so that you can grow as a person, instead of doubling down and stagnating into something entirely terrible. That's the only horrible thing, here. It's bad for me, sure, but it's also stunting you and that's not great for you. I'm talking to the people here, of course, who sing along to the tune of sociopaths like Noel Plum, TL;DR, and Sargon. This is a chance that I, as a scared, disabled individual who often feels their hate, am offering them to stand up and admit they were wrong. I forgive them. I don't blame any person for being manipulated by a talented manipulator, okay? Life is hard for me, it really is, sometimes I'll lash out just out of the sheer pain and suffering I've endured. I still don't blame those who've been manipulated and played, though. I just blame the sociopaths. They're the only ones who're truly responsible, here. I know I'm going to regret this. I know this is going to add a lot more pain, fear, sadness, and suffering to my life. I'll have people threatening to kill my dog and shit like that, because this is the kind of thing that these monsters pull. I have to do this, though. I hope you can understand. I just can't allow myself to sit by and watch this happen any more. I hope, at least, that this message is received loud and clear by boogie2988, as I genuinely believe he's a good person who's just as very scared as I am, who's been manipulated and pushed around by these sociopaths. I'm hoping he'll understand where I'm coming from. Thank you for reading. And maybe... thank you for understanding?

And thank you to Captain Andy for making that video. Really, thank you. It gave me the strength to do this. I appreciate that. You are good people.

I'm going to post this thing, now, and then go and hide under my bed because I'm a fucking coward and this was way more difficult to do than it had any right to be. I wish I didn’t have to do this, but my need to stand up, speak, and not be a hypocrite is overpowering my cowardice. Just enough to hit post...

[corneliussteinbeck]

How Internalized Misogyny Is Holding You Back

Note: Before digging in, I want you to know that though it isn’t my intention, it’s likely that some things I say in this article might make you angry—and that’s totally normal. Know that my intent is to free you from judgment, not impose more judgment upon you. I encourage you to question your feelings and examine where they’re coming from.

Misogyny. This word has been coming up a lot, particularly over the past year.

What Is Misogyny?

Oxford lists misogyny as “Dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.” Merriam keeps it simple and too-the-point with an abrasive, “A hatred of women.”

There are many levels of misogyny and specifically internalized misogyny. In its most simplistic of explanations, internalized misogyny is when that contempt, prejudice, and hatred is turned inward, toward oneself. It can also extend toward other women who surround us in our daily lives—a mother, daughter, friend, or lover.

The complexities of internalized misogyny are astounding, and when being examined for the first time, can feel overwhelming. Men and women are affected by it very differently on subconscious levels, and an article like this merely scratches the surface. My hope is that it will serve as an awakening (or reminder) that will help set the course for further conversation and self-examination.

What Does Misogyny Look Like?

Misogyny is tricky; it isn’t always a clear action. In fact, self-proclaimed feminists themselves can sometimes be the worst offenders. When we think of judgment or hatred toward women, it’s not hard to see the extreme outcomes playing out before our eyes. In barbaric and aggressive senses, we’ve been taught that lust’s blame rests in a woman’s hands. There are many religious and ancient texts one can pick from to learn more about the overt and extreme history of misogyny. By default in our society, the blame for anything involving temptation or a loss of control is more often than not placed on a woman and her devious ways or irresponsible choices. It isn’t the overt, but rather the more subtle and subconscious undertones that I want to bring out into the light.

It’s the overall belittling and judgment in which we often may not even realize we ourselves take part. It’s no secret that the current social climate has had its fill of political correctness. Perhaps it’s because “we” think it’s enough to say, “Women can do whatever they want, ok? Get over it. Let’s move on.” It’s not enough.

I imagine that right now, some of you may be thinking, “That’s not me. I definitely don’t have any misogynistic beliefs.” But that’s the thing.

Sometimes these beliefs are so deeply ingrained that we don’t see them for what they are. I encourage you to take a closer look.

How can you know if you are engaging in misogynistic thinking? Here are some questions you can ask yourself that will help you see things from a different perspective:

Do you tend to value, trust, and respect male teachers more than female teachers?

Do you catch yourself saying, “I need a man’s opinion” on various subjects?

Do you not exercise or train the way you want to because you’ve been told that women shouldn’t do certain types of exercise (like lifting weights), or that muscles aren’t feminine or “look ugly” on women?

Do you use phrases like “Real men…” or “Real women…”

Do you compete only against other women for men or women’s attention?

Do you judge women as better or worse based solely on their appearance?

Do you think women are catty or full of drama?

Do you say things like, “I’m only friends with guys because women are/aren’t…”

Do you say phrases like “Men are just like that,” or “That’s just how women are.”

Do you “slut shame” women for the same behaviors you find completely acceptable from men?

Do you feel you aren’t worthy of loyalty in friendships and romantic relationships?

Do you feel unsafe or uncertain when a woman is in charge of tasks?

Do you feel that being on time or being prepared matters less when dealing with women?

Do you think women are physically weak and need to be taken care of by men?

Do you think men should be “Alphas” and women should be submissive?

Do you think there are jobs that aren’t suitable for women or that women shouldn’t be allowed to have?

Do you underplay women’s talents and overinflate men’s?

Do you think all women should strive to achieve one specific body type?

The way in which we view ourselves and our gender can affect how we eat, date, train, prepare for education, and dream. If there was ever a topic in need of deeper examination to truly understand what is going on behind the curtain in our own minds, it’s this one.

My Own Misogyny

Growing up, I rarely identified with women. When I was a kid, society thrust upon me the idea that I had to like pink things, fluffy things, sparkly things, and fragile things. In fact, I hated it all. I was your typical tomboy. While I hate that term now, back then it was the only identifier I knew.

From a young age, I was taught certain ideas about gender traits:

“Female” traits: emotional, overly sensitive, physically weak, less intelligent, followers, easy to manipulate, nurturing, frilly clothing, needy behavior, scared, clumsy, and kind.

“Male” traits: strong, stoic, violent, leaders, manipulative, loners, smart, capable, mean, practical clothing, trustworthy, athletic and dominating.

These are obviously not traits I agree with today. Again, this was how my young mind worked. My life was far from typical or normal. I was a hard-living kid from the streets who learned early on that a good punch and smooth talk saved me a lot more than thigh-highs and platform shoes ever could. Nonetheless, it seemed like being a guy offered way more perks than being a girl. Looking at the list subconsciously presented to us on the day we’re born, it was an easy call. How would I not either, want to be a guy or, at the very least, look to them as leaders and saviors over women?

I was wrong.

In my life — a sociological study in its own right — I have learned that men can gossip, women can save the day, either can manipulate, and both can be kind or cruel.

My theories were gradually ripped apart in the face of my own experiences. Then I studied.

I explored history, gender studies, psychology, and philosophy. I studied my own sexuality, why I like the things I do and why I don’t. I started seeing misogyny (cautious about not confirming my own biases) in everything around me. The stories we tell, the way we say things, and to whom we say them. I learned to think critically, and above all, I learned to acknowledge the sex (not gender) of an individual.

It’s crucial to acknowledge that along with society’s prescribed gender roles comes a certain set of privileges (or lack thereof) that can’t be ignored.

The Importance of Understanding Privilege

A common misunderstanding about privilege is that it can be neatly categorized, like “white men at the top, and women of color at the bottom.” The truth is that privilege exists in varying degrees as it bends and weaves across intersections of society. It is also true that men, especially white men, are still privileged.

Bear with me…

It’s hard to deny that money, location, education, and other factors influence our life experiences and circumstances. Not acknowledging these interwoven factors often leads people to say, “Well, that isn’t fair! How can you say I’ve got it better when they are _____ and have it better than me! I work hard, and I’m not getting anywhere just because I’m _____.”

Privilege isn’t a right, it’s a privilege.

All it means is that, subconsciously throughout our lives and in all forms of media culture, some of us more than others have been psychologically pumped up, groomed, and cheered on in ways we’ve likely never noticed—and we reaped the benefits. Given the opportunity, you could lead due to having an advantage that you may not even be aware of having.

In simplistic examples, people are often quick to say, “Well, obviously that’s not fair, and X individual has an advantage.” Disagreements arise when the topics get more subtle and sociologically nuanced, and people quibble over whether a disadvantage is merely a confidence issue or one having to do with gender. Make no mistake about it, in our society there is an advantage to being a man.

Even at the gym, this subconscious privilege is present. When a man steps up to a heavy weighted bar, before he ever picks it up he already has a remarkable amount of men “with” him. He has superheroes, average Joes, Rocky, villains, athletes, saviors, his brothers, fathers, friends, gods, warriors by the billions—not thousands, not millions, but billions—standing behind him. Thousands of years of history, wars fought over land and sea, victories and stories of champions galore. David, Goliath, Jesus, and God himself. They’re all right there behind him when he steps up to that bar.

Women? Let me make it clear. We have Rosa Parks. Susan B. Anthony. Corazon Aquino. Malala Yousafzai. I could go on but it wouldn’t take you long to see that a common theme of their rise to legendary status was oppression. What do they get for that? More often than not, they get told growing up “You throw like a girl.” “Not bad, for a girl.” “But you’re just a girl.”

Even one of our most popular sports culture movies’ famous phrase is, “There’s no crying in baseball.”

Do you get it? Do you see it? That’s subconscious privilege.

So many movies we watch and books we read subtly suggest that women are less. In these stories, women will appeal to the power and submissiveness of a male dominated society. Women will believe that they are catty, competing, or left wanting. Stories in which women are strong, are an anomaly. It’s so unusual for women to be the strong hero, that when a string of just a few movies with a strong female lead are released, the response from both men and many women often sounds like this: “C’mon. Stop trying to please the liberal agenda. This role would be better with a guy in the lead, and you know it.” (That is an actual comment with 3,203 likes on Facebook about the new Rogue One movie.)

This isn’t about being more masculine or rejecting gender roles. There is nothing wrong with your gender identity relating to something to you. However you are more than your sex or literal genitalia. This is about undoing centuries of oppressive dialogue. It isn’t about ignoring the facts, but instead facing them. This is not about being an angry feminist, conjuring up the tired caricature of the man-hating lesbian who burns her bra and calls the penis a “phallic oppressor.” While that sentence was fun to type, no, it’s not about that. This also isn’t about taking anything away from anyone. What this is about is learning to give to yourself. And it needs to start with the way we treat women (including ourselves).

A Few Exercises For Improving the Language We Use for Ourselves and Others

Instead of, ”I can do anything a man can do,” try, ”I can do anything I want to do.”

It might seem nitpicky, but eliminating the “them” vs “us” narrative, is crucial in the fight for equal rights and against inequality in gender, sexuality, and race. One gender should not be the metric by which we all measure ourselves and others.

Instead of, “I’m like one of the guys,” try, ”I like what I like.”

If women like something that is stereotypically masculine or “manly” things, they are given extra credit for not being “prissy” or “high-maintenance.” They get rewarded for “manning-up” and being the girl who can simply be “one of the guys.”

There is no such thing, not even for men. The notion that a person is defined by liking any one thing or activity because of their gender should be an eroding concept. Instead of focusing on what you should and should not be or like, embrace what you actually like and what makes you feel most “you.” Do that, and you will notice gender stereotypes fade away.

Instead of, “Lift like a man,’ try, “Lift for what you want.”

There is no male or female way of training. There are ways to train which will improve muscular growth. There are ways to train which will improve cardiovascular health. There are even way to train to support your ability to consume mass quantities of hot dogs in one sitting in under 10 minutes. However, there is no one way to train like a man or a woman. If you want to be strong, get strong. If you want to be curvy, be curvy. If you are a 5’4 guy who wants to have better legs in heels, I love a reverse lunge!

Instead of, ”We are all equal,” try… “We are all equal.”

No change. Because that’s the very meaning.

Too often, I see faux empowerment or “feminism.” I’ve seen women chant the virtues of owning their sex and power, but are doing so because they are mimicking a caricature of what they think a man is. Knocking women who want to wear makeup or who want to embrace traditional gender roles doesn’t make a woman empowered. Enjoying sex and bucking conservative society doesn’t make a woman a feminist. It also doesn’t make a woman a feminist to pick only one body type. Feminists come in all shapes and sizes. Muscular, thin, round, tall, short, medium; It doesn’t matter what shape you want to achieve as long as you’re staying true to your desires, rather than pursuing an ideal you’ve been instructed by someone else to pursue because it’s what you “should” be or what you “should” look like.

Phrases like “strong is the new skinny” or “strong is the new sexy” are as limiting as stating that muscular women look “too manly.” Different people find different aesthetics appealing. Whether you want all the muscles, or you just want to feel strong and take care of your bones but prefer a less muscled physique, what is important is that your training goals reflect and satisfy your preference.

Check in with your desires and motivations and where they are coming from. One choice isn’t better or worse than the other if it’s what appeals to you.

A Homework Assignment: Re-examining Your Goals (A.k.a: What Do You Want?)

If reading this article overwhelms and frustrates you, it’s okay. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if this subject makes a lot of women feel overwhelmed or frustrated, or both.

Go with these feelings. I want you to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys) and think about the questions and thoughts that come up for you. Does any of this make you want to reevaluate your training goals? Have you been living for you, or for someone else? What do you really want and who is it for—and why?

If you read this and think, “Damn, I’ve been more unfair to myself and other women than I realized…” understand you are not alone. I’ve been there. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but it’s safe to say on some level we have all been there. As we start to see things a little more clearly, we can start working toward examining what it is that we really want, who we want to be, and why.

The post How Internalized Misogyny Is Holding You Back appeared first on Girls Gone Strong.

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