#can you tell im not studying for my exam 🙃

[khodorkovskaya]

Like, those things all meant something to you too! That's a v important thing to you and in a relationship. People are meant to be supportive of each other, like, why couldnt he chear you on or show enthusiasm and encouragement towards you

yeah! and he never did! about anything!

idk if it's bc my period is coming up or bc i spent the night at my parents' place yesterday and that brought back old memories, but i thought about him again last night and cried. more specifically i remembered how i caught him watching porn... and it really broke my heart and still does.

i don't remember if i told this story here before but i'll tell it again bc it's such a clear example of what kind of behaviour to avoid in men.

so in my second year of uni i got really depressed. there was covid, i didn't see the point of studying anymore, i hated everything and our relationship was also going nowhere. im not gonna get into the details of it, but the important thing to know is that i was depressed. i lost weight, would burst out crying out of nowhere, i was a mess.

and when you're depressed, well, you have no libido. it felt like everything was frozen down there. i couldn't get my coochie to cooperate. and, as my ex never made any particular effort to console me or provide me with the least amount of care and compassion a depressed person could need, i didn't feel particularly motivated to sleep with him either.

and just as a side note, i talked about my depression a lot. my parents really helped me thru it and i started going to therapy so that it wouldn't get worse, i really tried my best to let it be known that i was depressed and that i needed help. and when it came to the sex stuff, i would also explain it to my ex, so that he wouldn't feel undesired. i even made a list of things that turn me on for him in at attempt to make things easier for him. (he didn't care at all about the list btw. bc things that turn me on aren't sexual enough i guess. it was mostly things like cuddling, having deep conversations, looking into each others eyes, romantic gestures, etc. it was too boring for him i guess.)

so anyway, time goes by and our sex life gets more and more frustrating. bear in mind he had previously told me on several occasions that in his mind cheating and not telling your partner about can be justified. he'd sometimes bring up things like "when couples get older, they usually don't have sexual chemistry anymore and the dad goes after the young secretary, you know what i mean hahaha? that's probably gonna be us one day hahahahaha". and coming from a family where the dad did leave the family for a younger woman, that really stood out to me. so even if he meant it as a joke, it was not funny to me at the slightest.

and so here i am, feeling sexually useless, my boyfriend telling me that im not trying hard enough and that he feels offended that i don't find him desirable anymore (even though i had told him a million times that that wasn't the issue) and then it hits me like shit.... here we go... he's gonna cheat on me just like he said. i can't provide him with what he needs, so he's gonna go find someone else.....

so every time we had sex it felt like it was some kind of exam i had to pass to keep him. i became overly conscious about what i did and how i acted in bed, i started feeling fat and started hating my body, it was horrible. and naturally, the sex became even worse. and so he became more and more pushy. and it became this vicious cycle.

bear in mind that as i said, i had made that list of things that turn me on. and plus i would also tell him that i felt like going on a date could maybe make things a bit better. we could spend some quality time together, have deep conversations, eat something nice and the romance could turn me on, it would be a win-win. but he never took me out on a date, not once 🙃

so the whole thing started in like april 2020 and it was reaaaally bad in winter 2021. and now it was setember 2021 and still no date, constant reminders of how im not good enough from his end every time we have sex and frustration upon frustration upon frustration.

summer is coming to an end and he's like "ohh we haven't gone hiking this year, let's go hiking, that could be your date". and im like shit, i don't like hiking. but he pushes me to do it. (and to be fair it was quite fun, but the point is he organised the camping trip for himself and not to please me.) so we're in the car, on our way to the mountains. i open his phone to look up google maps and... there's porn. gangbang porn. my whole world starts to crumble.

of course i cant live upto his expectations in the bedroom! im up against porn actresses! women who do this for a living! it's like comparing a regular person to a supermodel, like you can't compete with that. here i am, a regular girl without any spicy sexual fantasies, low self esteem and depression. my boyfriend prefers watching violent porn to making love to me and the only way to get him back is... to be better than porn actresses...? it's a lost cause, isn't it?

so im there like fuckkkk and he starts nervously laughing like "oopsie, you caught me ahaha". and i have two options: either A, confront him about it or B, suck it up and postpone the conversation until the end of the hike. and we're already at the mountains at this point. confronting him would mean making a uturn and ruining the "date" i was begging him for months for. maybe this hike could be my chance to get him back? he loves hiking, so if i show interest in hiking, maybe he would love me and be more compassionate with me! so i choose option B.

after walking for two days straight, the hike is finally over and we get home. im exhausted, my legs hurt like hell. as we lie in bed, he wants to have sex with me. i say "not now, im sooo tired", hoping that he will understand. we just came back from a two day hike! he will undestand, right? but of course he doesn't and he gets angry at me again. "this is why i watch porn," he says. and i want to die.

so i tell myself, i will do anything for him. i will prove to him that i can do it, that im capable!

(ive always had a deep fear of making the first move and initiating sex. what if he thinks that im a slut? what if i do something wrong and he will think it's weird?)

and so, despite my fears, i decide to sacrifice it all for him. my legs are in pain, my heart is pounding in my ears because im terrified, i feel like this is my last chance to get him to like me. so i roll over and start kissing him. the adrenaline is crazy, i feel like it's life or death. im holding back tears, as im thinking about the women in the porn videos he watches.

and my worst fear comes true.

he just lies there.

he doesn't kiss me back, he doesn't put his arms around me. he just lies there.

and im like fuck. here we go. im weird. im ugly. im useless. he's already made up his mind. fuck, maybe i deserve to be cheated on, im so worthless. it literally feels like my whole existence is falling apart. im devastated.

so i pull back from the kiss and ask him if he's okay. and he says "you see now? this is how i feel". he basically decided to punish me for saying no to sex earlier.

so yeah... it really broke my heart... and i don't know when it will heal. because i still think about it sometimes and it makes me cry.

and it really sucks because this whole thing could've been avoided if back in 2020 when my depression had just began, he'd just said "hey babe, you're not in the mood? that's okay! we can just cuddle and watch a movie if you want. im always here for you no matter what. we'll figure things out together, don't worry about it, okay? i love you!". that alone would've made me want to have sex with him. maybe if he had said that, my depression wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. i wouldn't have had the body issues and the self esteem issues and a broken heart... but it turned out his penis was more important than all of that.

[kirishwima]

hiya! i’m about to sit my fourth year med school exams and i’m terribly stressed, any tips on how not to shatter? 🙃💖

hi lovely! firs up, good luck! i know you don't feel like it, but you got this, i promise <3 And as for handling the stres....there's honestly no one good answer to this. Full disclosure? The stress never goes away. Ever. You just learn how to handle it, and eventually get used to it!

I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth-I remember how i was quaking in my boots as a first year, and that same stress was still there in my final exam before graduating, and even now i have that exact same stress awaiting my first night shift-you just...get used to it. Kind of pat the stress on its back and tell it 'okay baby we'll be alright just. Chill for a sec' lol.

Some tips i *can* give you however are: 1. BE ORGANISED. I know it sounds like a given but honestly, it took me years to figure out how to truly be organised-what MY method of best taking notes was, what my best way to study was, e.t.c. Try different methods, see what works for you-do you prefer using your computer? Writing things by hand? Highlighting? See what works!

2. If you have the chance to choose when to take an exam-DON'T wait 'till the last term. Idk what it's like where you're studying, but for us we were allowed to choose from a list of terms when we'd like to take our exam. It took me YEARS to gather up the courage to stop picking the very last date, thinking it'll 'give me more time to study'. It didn't. All it did was give me more days to stress, and I'd just delay the studying i could've done and taken the exam on the first day. Plus if your exams are oral like ours were, the first dates are ideal! Examiners have no one to compare you with yet, and they haven't heard the same shit a dozen times still so they're generally much more lenient!

3. On that note, Procastination-I know it sucks, I know we all do it, and it's okay! Try and learn to differentiate the fatigue of 'I can't study right now, and this is manifesting as ''im sitting here staring at a page that i don't want to read''' and 'im just bored'. Some days you just. Can't Study. And that's okay! It's best to take a good, hearty break and come back to your studies refreshed, instead of trying to force yourself to study and ending up having an unproductive AND stressful day. Procastination's not okay, but taking breaks IS!

4. If all else fails, remind yourself why you got into medicine in the first place-i doubt you chose such a difficult field for the heck of it, right? You have a goal in mind, and you're working hard to achieve it. You can have some difficulties in your path, and that's normal and human-it doesn't mean you won't achieve your goal! Every step you take is a step closer to it, and im proud of you for working towards it :)

Take care, and if there's anything i can help with lmk! my inbox or dms are always open <3 Edit: I just realised you said you were stressed specifically about exams LMAO

idk when your exam is, but what i said earlier still applies-organisation, breaks when needed, and DON’T overwork yourself, especially not the last 1-2 days before! I know you feel like you need to revise every single thing the day before the exam but it’s just not feasible, and it’ll only stress you out further. Trust yourself, trust that you studied sufficiently and that you know your shit, and on the last day focus on any new info you might’ve missed, or info that is giving you a hard time!

If it helps, my personal ‘study programme’ (for oral exams-we didn’t really have written exams) was:

1. Read through the syllabus, find what sources i want to read through

2. First reading: Read through my resources, not trying to memorise anything; just understand what im reading, try and explain it in my head to make sure i really get it

3. Second reading: This is where I start memorising. I read through the info, and then talk out loud, explaining the thing in my own words, then checking that i’ve said what i should and my info’s correct. 

4. Final revision: At this point i try and avoid looking at my notes/books/etc unless im really unsure about something. We’ll discuss the info with a friend, and note down what we struggle with, and quizz one another on the topic as if it were a real exam. If a friend isn’t available, you can do this with a mirror! I do that a lot, or i often videocall my best friends who didn’t study medicine-if i explained a topic to them and they understood even 50% of it, i knew i understood 100% of it

(generally, the rule of thumb for oral exams is: Explain your Topic as if you’re talking to an Idiot that’s never heard of what you’re talking about. Have a Hemoncology exam and across of you sits a renowned oncologist? You talk to them like they’re a student in high school hearing about tumors for the first time, and build from there accordingly. I promise it works every time!)

If it’s a written exam, tbh i find it’s even easier! A written exam allows you the time you need to think through the question, and oftentimes the question itself will present keywords that’ll guide you to the answer. 

Good luck!! <3 

[tutyayilmazz]

If anyone has actual sources about freddie mercury and rudolf nureyev meeting pleeease tell me. I saw a quote from a book with nureyev saying they met in germany but there's nothing about the book anywhere and then in one of the ask pheobe blogs peter freestone says they were both at the barcelona event in 1988 and they didn't come across at all?