#cancer cry babies unite! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

amberjazmyn · 6 months

Text

kian egan one-shot

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - you stayed ("whenever you're ready baby girl" alt ending)

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - happy ending, girl dad x kian, terminal illness, crying, flashbacks

𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - whilst kian and jodi egan's eldest little girl always seemed to draw the short straw in her life, what if she actually survived and beat her cancer? what if she actually never died after the newcastle shows of the farewell tour? what if she made it to her tenth birthday and every other birthday after that? what if her short straws began to grow back healthy again in the same way she had? what if she got to see her dad's band reunite seven years later?

𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - since writing the original version of this for kian, i decided to write an alternate ending where willow egan doesn't die because i still can't believe i wrote about child loss and she actually survives and sees through what was thought to be the rest of the end of westlife in 2012 and then their reunion in 2019 as a teenager, even though in the original, i have the timeline as this being written during the reunion and as willow being younger than koa but i've decided to change it lol so, sorry! no song will be used in this but flashbacks from the original one-shot will be in italics, present in normal font and like the original, it'll be written in lowercase.

masterlist

- - -

willow egan was eight-years-old when she was diagnosed with cancer. she already wasn't considerd a "normal kid" because of who were parents, kian egan and jodi albert are. however, the moment the young girl and her parents heard the news of the heartbreaking diagnosis, they knew exactly how the press and other kids willow's age would react. to the other kids and everyone else, not only did willow's parents and their fame make the girl weird but her new cancer diagnosis made her even weirder and as though she was an exhibit in a museum.

when willow was nine-years-old when her dad and his bandmates were starting their farewell tour before splitting up, there was a moment. during the first of five shows in newcastle, united kingdom, that everyone, including willow herself, thought she wasn't going to make it through the entire day and wake up the next morning. but, she did wake up the next morning. she opened her eyes the next morning and cried out for her daddy who was on stage. in a rage of emotions, georgina bryne, who is the wife of kian's bandmate nicky byrne, rang kian in a frenzy of her own emotions.

thinking the worst, kian was mere seconds away from dropping everything at newcastle's metro arena. that was until he heard the very voice he had thought, imagined, he would never hear again. he then stopped for a moment and took that as his chance to just breathe. his little girl was alive and she was okay.

willow's pov | flashback to cancer diagnosis

i could tell my parents felt like the walls in the doctor's office was closing in on them. they, like me, never imagined to be getting this news. after all, it was just supposed to be just another regular hospital trip for me, eight-year-old willow egan.

whilst i wasn't in the office with my parents, whilst my doctor, dr phelps, told them, i could still hear them. especially when it's realised that the hospital is never as soundproof as one thinks, "...mr egan? kian, did you hear what i just told you?" dr phelps questioned my dad, who until now had never really called him by his first name as dad responded after blinking a couple of times

"no, sorry, what did you say? could you please repeat that?" it was obvious that dad was still so far away from dr phelps' office mentally, doing his best to not tune out a second time since it was important news that dr phelps was telling my parents

"i was saying that, with willow's recent diagnosis of terminal cancer, she can still try chemotherapy and maybe a little bit of radiotherapy but we are not certain that it'll work in the way it usually would if we had seen it earlier..."

ahh, yes, i could see the wheels in my dad's head start to turn as he realised what the conversation was about. his eldest and only daughter, me, had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and were having a conversation about the roads of treatment for me. and just how successful they could be for a small eight-year-old who had many ailments before this new one. as i watched from the waiting room, i could tell that dad could feel a cry building in his throat, mum also feeling it as well, holding his hand tightly as i knew they both wished they were anywhere but in dr phelps' office at this moment.

i watched as dad continued the conversation, "...ah, umm, so, theoretically speaking, if our daughter...willow, was to undergo a round or couple of chemotherapy and maybe radiotherapy, how long would you say we'd have her with us, realistically?" dad gulped as i watched the way he fiddled with the scrunched up tissue in his palm as he squeezed mum's hand with his other hand

dr phelps paused before he continued, "now, mr egan, i really couldn't tell you because this is so new and so late in finding the cancer in willow's system that we truly have no idea how long it could potentially prolong her life but, once the chemo and radiotherapy do start, then we can start estimating things like that..." dr phelps responded as i could tell that dad felt his heart shatter

mum feeling like she was holding all of his heart and hers together. dad's face almost crumbling as he then turned away from the dr when he caught a glimpse of me. which i quickly turned my head to make it seem as though i was in conversation with my uncles nicky and shane, who had lovingly put their hands up to take care of me whilst uncle mark put his hand up to take care of my baby brother, koa.

hesitating to turn his head back around, he quickly did so before continuing on, making me turn to look back at my parents and dr phelps, "...she doesn't deserve this..." hearing my dad so heartbroken and his voice so croaky from his tears was not something i'd ever heard before as he brought his tissue up to cover his face, mum comforting him whilst dr phelps sighed solemnly

"...no, she doesn't kian, no one her age does. she's so young but, unfortunately, these things happen and it's absolutely cruel but i promise, we'll do everything we can to make sure your little girl has the best chance of surviving and beating her cancer since she was so strong during all of her other surgeries and ailments," dr phelps was confident in the idea that once again, i was going to survive another diagnosis

but heartbreakingly, i could tell mum and dad thought otherwise and it seemed as though, in my eyes, i too thought the same thing as my parents.

as mum, dad and dr phelps continued to chat, i silently slipped my hands into both of uncle nicky and uncle shane's hands since i was sat in the middle of them. i was absolutely terrified and it didn't take a genius for uncle nicky and uncle shane to figure it out either and the looks we shared with each other weren't as helpful as we hoped they'd be.

present time

as i remebered the day i was diagnosed, i remembered that i didn't cry like i had imagined myself i would have. because if you know my family well, most especially my dad as well as my uncle shane, we're literally the definition of crybabies. like, to the point where it's been mentioned in interviews before that my dad is so emotional that he cries at the opening of a hat and that uncle shane is very similar that is also a crier. so the fact i didn't cry after my cancer diagnosis is something i'm just realising years later at nearly nineteen years old and that's insane to me. completely insane because at eighteen, nearly nineteen, i'm still the crybaby that i was until my cancer diagnosis.

right now, i was hanging out with my younger brother koa. he was only a literal baby when i was going through the cancer and it's something that he genuinely does not remember well. i have been told though that there are times that he does have vague memories and it makes him really upset and panicky. but what makes him upset and panicky is because he can't remember everything about it, only small little pieces of it. since then, we've added two more egan's to the pack and they are two little boys, zekey and cobi. zekey in 2014 and cobi the most recent in 2018. but, going back to hanging out with koa, we were literally just getting ready to head out for a surf since i could drive and had my own car now. and, because of that, i could drive us down since both mum and dad were at work, nan (dad's mum) taking care of the other two boys for the day. everything was completely fine and happy as koa and i got ready separately (obviously) but, as i was taking a bit longer, koa had knocked on my door to check in on me. i was no longer fine and happy. as i slipped on my bikini and reached up to grab my wetsuit, i had caught a glimpse of all my scars and my porthole where i would get my chemo put in. it was really the first time i had seen it since i had been named in remission and by every technicality, cancer-free. and i hadn't realised how traumatising and ugly the scars and porthole actually was until this moment. the moment which i actually took a moment to stop and look at it after actively avoiding my glance from it for so many years.

and i cried.

i cried my eyes out nearly nine whole years after my initial diagnosis.

i hadn't cried this much or this hard i don't think since i had told aunty georgina, uncle nicky's wife, that i thought i was going to die during the first show in newcastle of westlife's farewell tour. and obviously, hearing koa knock on my door meant that he had heard me break down into tears. and usually, similar to dad and mum, but especialy dad, i'd usually try to hide it in front of my brothers, especially koa. but, this time, i just couldn't. not because i couldn't control my tears but because i needed to stop hiding my emotions from my younger brothers.

after his knock, i heard his voice and it made me smile, "...you okay willow?" he asked as i tearfully giggled, wiping my hand underneath my nose

"you can come in if that's what you're asking koa, my door's unlocked," i tearfully chuckled as i turned away slightly from the door and looked back at myself in my full-length mirror

i then heard my door slightly creek open as koa walked in. he then noticed me in the mirror and his face fell as he saw my tear-stained face. immediately, he rushed over and pulled me in for a hug as he quickly noticed what it was that i was staring at in my reflection. my porthole and other scars being the first thing that started koa's memories of me having cancer whilst he was a baby.

and then, the next thing he said was the utmost sweetest thing in the world and made me cry even more, "don't let those scars upset you anymore, willow. because they're the reason why i can hug my older sister every day! you may think it's ugly but, i don't. i see them as the reason why you're still alive and got to watch me grow up and got to meet zekey and cobi! if it's making you so upset to look at it in your bikini, which i think you great in by the way willow, we don't have to go surfing today if it's making you feel a bit icky to do so. we could just instead go for a walk along the beach and go surfing over the weekend with mum, dad and the boys?" koa sincerely asked as he didn't let me go out of his hug as i smiled, shocked at how this little kid, my little brother was so emotionally intelligent

pulling back out of the hug, tears still streaming down my cheeks but for happier reasons this time, i nodded my head, "that sounds perfect koa, thank you, little man! you are such a sweetheart and i love you so much, buddy. of course, we can go for a walk on the beach and then go surfing with the family over the weekend. i'll just throw some clothes over the top of my bikini and then we can hit the road, that sound okay koa?" i asked after thanking my brother as he nodded his head, swiftly leaving my room without another question as i then threw on a pair of linen pants and a halter crochet top before grabbing my phone

meeting koa downstairs as he handed me a pair of flip flops, my car keys and handbag, we said farewell to our nan and our two younger brothers. we then got into my car and we drove down to the beach at strandhill.

flashback | willow's pov

it was the first of five consecutive shows at the metro arena in newcastle for westlife's farewell tour when i thought i'd not wake up the next day. it was during the day that aunty georgina was looking after me when i genuinely thought my life support machine and my body was going to go awol and that i wasn't going to wake up the next morning. i was aboslutely terrified to close my eyes, worried that if i did, i wouldn't wake up tomorrow. suddenly remembering all the other times i was tired and knowing that i'd wake up the next morning. however, more recently, falling asleep and just closing my eyes has been scary for me.

shaking with worry, i reached over to grab aunty georgina's hand which she immediately grabbed, "what's wrong, love?" she asked without hesitation as i tried to calm down as best as i could

"i...i'm so scared to fall asleep, g. what...what if i don't wake up tomorrow morning?" i whispered fearfully as georgina softened as she held my hand, squeezing it tightly

"oh, darling. don't be scared, i'll stay here, awake with you all night and make sure nothing bad happens to you throughout the night. you are safe sweetpea, aunty georgina's got you!" she whispered as i nodded my head but still didn't want to close my eyes

however, with some more encouragement from aunty georgina and her singing my favourite westlife album, we managed to get me to close my eyes and fall asleep. just hoping, praying, that i was going to be able to open my eyes the next morning.

and i did. i opened my eyes the next morning.

and i cried out for my dad, enough though i knew he wasn't here in ireland.

and in a flurry of her own emotions, aunty georgina rushed to grab her phone and ring him.

and i just knew he was ready to drop everything, thinking the worst. ready to leave newcastle's metro arena when he heard the one voice i think he also thought, imagined, he wouldn't hear again.

i was still alive.

present time | 2022

finally, after what felt like forever, and the hell that was the coronavirus pandemic and constant lockdowns, concerts were finally safe enough again to do at full capacity. so, here the entire westife family were at the aviva stadium in dublin and it was an emotional moment, that's for sure. and it wasn't just because we were finally able to have tours and concerts again. but because i was eighteen, an age that no one thought i'd be able to reach because of the cancer that i was now in complete remission from. and, it was also actually the anniversary of my first diagnosis back when i was eight years old and i was now eighteen. so, i just knew that at some point in the show, most likely before or during "you raise me up" that dad was going to talk about it. and then get very emotional over it which would then get me emotional over it all over again.

and, who would've though, i was correct? however, i did not think it would have my dad inviting me up on stage before "you raise me up" but, in all honesty, i didn't care. i grew up with the westlife fans so i wasn't uncomfortable on the stage so, i went along with it.

smiling, i walked on stage and over to my dad, standing in the middle of him and uncle nico. getting smooshed into a westlife sandwich has honestly always been my favourite thing about having my dad as one of the members. even at the age of eighteen, i still enjoyed all the hugs the same way i did when i was a little kid.

dad then grabbed my hand, grabbing the attention of the entire audience. still giving me a shock at how easily he and my westlife uncles could control the audience. he then introduced his speech before the next song.

"...hey dublin, how are we feeling tonight, alright?!" dad shouted, the same introduction for every single one of his speeches at a westlife concert, making me giggle as the crowd cheered at his question

giving me a smile, he then continues with his second introduction in his speech, which was me, "so, as everyone possibly already knows, this is my eldest child and my only daughter, willow, who is eighteen years old..." he trails off as shock ripples through the crowd which makes us all laugh

and that included me too. because, i truly also sometimes forget that i am eighteen.

"...i know, it's crazy to say i have an eighteen-year-old too so, don't worry, it's just as shocking for me as it is for you guys! but umm, that's not the reason why i invited her on stage. the reason why i invited willow on the stage with us tonight is that, on this very day when she was eight years old, we were told that willow had cancer..." he trailed off as i smiled softly and squeezed his hand tighter as he smiled back, uncle nicky, uncle shane and uncle mark moving closer by as well

taking a deep breath, dad continued, "...and for a while, we didn't think willow would make it through the very beginning, the first show of our five shows in newcastle during our farewell tour back in 2012 after she had turned nine. because, during this time, it seemed as though willow's chemo was not effective anymore. it was during this first show in newcastle of the farewell tour that she thought she wasn't going to wake up the next morning. i remember because like i already mentioned, we were doing the first of five shows in newcastle for our farewell tour in the metro arena and i got a phone call from georgina, nicky's wife. and immediately, i thought she'd be on the other line in absolute hysterics telling me that willow had died but, she hadn't. she had rung me up because willow had woken up and had cried out for me. hearing my daughter's voice that day, just as i was ready to drop everything and leave newcastle for my daughter. to then hear that she was okay and that she was still alive was all i needed to know that she was getting better. and that maybe, just maybe, she'd recover and be okay again..." dad once again trailed off as it started to get way too emotional as i smiled, feeling slightly embarrassed as the crowd stayed in utter silence

which is probably why i felt a little bit uncomfortable at the same time. since, they are usually never, the westlife fans, this quiet when my dad and uncles are on stage.

"...so, for this next song, if we're throwing out some dedications which we always do. even if we don't necessarily say them, i want to dedicate this next song to willow and the rest of our children. this is "you raise me up" please sing it if you know it, dublin!" dad finished introducing and he only had a couple tears streaming down his cheeks as we had a group hug before the song started

i stayed on stage during the whole performance of "you raise me up" and it felt magical looking at all the flashlights shining brightly. they swayed from side-to-side from my vantage point on the stage. having the privilege to even be alive and be in complete remission from my cancer.

then, during the instrumental part of the song, dad raised his microphone to this mouth and spoke up again. revealing some news that we had only just found out this very morning to the point that, i don't even think he had told uncle shane, uncle nicky and uncle mark.

dad smiled brightly as he got everyone's attention as he announced the news, "...this morning, we found out the best news in regards to willow and her cancer. we got told his morning that she is finally in complete remission and has been said that she is cancer-free!" he smiled tearfully as i turned around to see how uncle shane, uncle nicky and uncle mark reacted and it made me teary-eyed

giving me the answer that this was the first time they had been told as well. uncle nicky, uncle shane and uncle mark then rushed over and pulled us in for a group hug in which i started to cry. in pure joy that i was healthy again, my cancer is finally gone and i didn't have to be constantly in the hospital anymore.

the band then finished the rest of the song, singing it directly towards me. we then all rushed off so they could do their quick change before their encore.

the show had finally finished and as we relaxed and enjoyed each other's company, i got a notification saying that dad had posted to his instagram. and i just knew instantly what it was he had posted about. he had been saying all day that he had wanted to also make an instagram post, announcing that i was officially in complete remission and cancer-free. so, he did.

liked by willowegan, jodialbert, markusmoments, rokeating, caileano and 777k others

kianegan when willow was eight-years-old, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, the uncertainty of her survival. however, all these years later and i have an eighteen-year-old, nearly nineteen, who i got to see reach all of her special milestones. like her tenth birthday, her high school graduation, her eighteenth and soon her nineteenth. she also got to see all of her brother's birthdays, all of their births and will be healthy enough to watch them grow up even more and watch them reach their special milestones. my daughter stayed and it is the biggest joy to say that willow is now in complete remission and cancer-free! i love you so much, willow storm egan. and if i had to watch you go through cancer all over again, i would do it. because it reminded me of truly how special and irreplaceable you are. you were me and mummy's first baby and our first daughter. you know we would do everything and anything to make sure you were your happiest, your healthiest and your best. and i truly do believe that this next season in your life, with you cancer-free and no longer in hospitals constantly, you'll be truly successful in every single thing you wish to do with your life! you are such a strong girl and even though you always say it was me, mum and koa as the reasons why you stayed, i truly believe that it was you that made yourself stay. and that it was you that gave you the strength to push through. dad loves you willow, thank you for staying 🤍

view all 87k comments

willowegan i love you so much, daddy! i am truly so grateful to be cancer-free! and don't thank me for staying, of course i'd stay 🤍

kianegan willowegan i love you more baby girl and i know you're grateful and so am i 🤍

jodialbert these photos of our little girl! i cannot believe she's nearly nineteen 🤍

kianegan jodialbert i know right? it makes me feel so old, like, we nearly have a nineteen-year-old!

markusmoments i swear to god, we need to stop telling each other things for the first time on stages! last time that happened, i told you all that layla was a girl! but, in all seriousness, it brings me so much happiness that willow is cancer-free!

kianegan markusmoments lol, we really do! and it brings me so much happiness as well, getting that phone call from dr phelps was like a dream come true!

rokeating wow, willow is finally cancer-free! i'm in tears, i cannot believe it! such good news to be heard after all the negativity in the news lately 🤍

kianegan rokeating i know! and trust me, i was crying my eyes out writing this and i still struggle to believe it and i'm glad to be the bearer of happy news after all the negative news 🤍

caileano best news ever, kian! hearing that willow's cancer-free was truly the highlight of the entire evening!

kianegan caileano i agree! i had moments where i just wanted to scream it out way earlier in the show but i knew i couldn't!

georginaahernbyrne this is great news kian and jodi! i'm so glad that willow is finally cancer-free! it seems as though that time from eight years old to eighteen/nineteen has been a whirlwind but also somewhat of a fever dream!

kianegan georginaahernbyrne i know! so am i, it's been a long, windy road but, i'm glad we've finally reached the end of it!

liked by kianegan, shanefilanofficial, nickybyrneinsta, gillianfilansligo, stormykeating, nicolefilan and 777k others

willowegan life since being cancer-free 🤍

being a survivor of childhood cancer, amongst other things throughout my life, i knew i wanted to stay and stay alive the moment i was told i had the "big c". since entering complete remission and getting labelled cancer-free, i've graduated high school, i've travelled back and forth between the uk and ireland. i've turned eighteen, i've gone on nights out with my parents and westlife uncles and aunties. i've gone to concerts with my cousins and i've surfed. i've been able to live my life in ways that i hadn't been able to do in years and i didn't have to worry about the scars, i didn't have to worry about being tired, i didn't have to worry about the fear of simply closing my eyes and if they'd open the next morning. i've been able to take care of and hang out with my three brothers, koa, zekey and cobi, i've seen them grow up, from when koa was a baby when i was first diagnosed to when zekey and cobi came along later on when i was recovering, to their handsome selves now. when i was battling cancer, i couldn't do the things i can do now. i couldn't surf, i couldn't drink (i mean, that was because i was underage the majority of the time), i couldn't go into physical school and had to do it all online when i wasn't violently ill, i couldn't travel back and forth between the uk and ireland. i couldn't have an extravagant ninth or tenth for that matter, and i couldn't go to concerts with my westlife cousins. when i had cancer, i was constantly riddled with the fear and anxiety of not being able to live another day because of how tired, sore and exhausted i was. having to see but also hear your parents, most especially your dad, cry and not being able to help them other than offer a hand or a soft smile for comfort was agonising. the number of times i watched my dad cry as he sat in the same hospital chair over and over again just to make sure i was still breathing through the night is no longer countable since he had done it so many times. the number of times i had to watch my uncles and aunties cry as they also sat and watched to make sure i was still alive throughout the day is immeasurable. thankfully, i didn't have to see my brothers or cousins cry a lot, especially because kian was a baby at the beginning and zekey and cobi weren't around then. neither was gia. but, at the same token, it makes me feel sick to think about the times when zekey, cobi and gia were around that they did cry during my cancer battle and i wasn't there to tell them that everything was going to be okay. but now, whenever they do cry or they are upset, i can be there for them straight away. and it was all because i stayed alive and i didn't let myself have my family go through the agony of having to live without me. because i couldn't do that to them, no way.

view all 99k comments

kianegan i love you, more than words can describe willow! you strong, brave girl!

willowegan kianegan i love you most daddy! and i'm only strong because of you and mum

shanefilanofficial crying my eyes out reading this!

willowegan shanefilanofficial i cried writing this, believe it or not!

nickybyrneinsta hearing your dad announce on stage that you're finally cancer-free after completing complete remission is the best news to hear!

willowegan nickybyrneinsta i genuinely had no idea that he hadn't told you guys yet! so seeing how you three all reacted made me cry!

gillianfilansligo i'm still screaming over the news that you're finally cancer-free!

willowegan gillianfilansligo so am i aunty gillian! it's the best feeling ever!

stormykeating i am so beyond relieved that you are cancer-free, sweet willow! i remember when i first met you when you were just a little baby and now you're a glowing eighteen-year-old

willowegan stormykeating aw, thank you stormy! i am relieved too and thank you again!

nicolefilan i'm literally bawling my eyes out! i'm so glad you're cancer-free willow!

willowegan nicolefilan so am i! i cannot believe it sometimes!

- - -

this was so much fun to write and i am so glad i got to give it a happy ending when the original was so depressing and yes, i know i fucked up the timeline when i originally wrote it on wattpad but, i don't care cause what if this is the one i'm calling canon and the original is the alternate ending? nah jokes, i didn't realise i fucked up the timeline until about halfway through and decided to stick with the changed timeline until i fixed it over here on tumblr!

ok ily bye xx

wc; 5280

#westlife #kian egan #nicky byrne #shane filan #mark feehily #you stayed #"whenever you're ready #fluff

0 notes

nityarawal · 9 months

Text

8/17/23

Court PTSD;

Tax The Junk

Happy By The Waterfall

Another Day Of Freedom

Twitter Has Turned

Into Hell

Court Contentious

The Elon Show

Memes Teasing Us

20% Moms

Crying

For Our Kids

Eliza

Disappeared

Mysteriously

Should We Be Afraid

To Ask For Elon's

Help

So Demonized

A Terminator

Just Changed

Our Name To "X"

Shootin' Rockets

Won't Acknowledge

"O"

Should We Be

Grateful For

Overpromises

Like All The Politicians

Show

6 Years

Of Germ Warfare

7 Years

Of Divorce Courts

You Got Your AI

"Prototype" X

To Rebuild As

Many Barbie

Nitya Britney

Dolls

You Got My DNA

They Stuffed Covid

Tests

Up My Nose Weekly

For Reality Winner

You Got Your

Prototype

15 Free Cyber Truck

Commercials

I Was Sold

For Collateral

On The Black Market

In Detention

They Planted A Cyst

Showed Me

Aften Bearman's

Brain Cancer

Regrowth

I Sang Her To Sleep

With

Om Namah Shivayas

She Said Putin

Was Her Husband

Ended Up Being

Raped By Officers

Back Teeth

Knocked Out

Bleeding With Ejaculation

And Spermicide

From Gay Officers

Ass

Another Day

A Cop Beat

Her Bloody

Blue

At Court

For A PD

Without A License

My Mulatto

Pregnant Bunky

Most Beautiful Avatar Being

PhD in Law

In The Riverside

Detention Zoo

Did They Kill Her

What Happened

To Her Baby

And 3 Kids

She Hoped

And Prayed

With Faith

Her Mother And

Daughter Would

Be There For Her

In Her Final Days

But We Passed

Each Other In

Chains

At 4:30am

Hungry

On The Way To

Court

Last Time

I Helped Her

Hair Grow Back

If Only I Could

Of Done That

For Sinead & Britney

Sooner In Hindsight

I Sang Her To Sleep

Om Namah Shivaya

Chandra Told Me

All The Nature Elements

Earth's Properties

If I'm Gonna Be

Your Free Slave

I'll Sing Our Country

To Peace

On Video

And We'll Testify

I'll Sing The Muses

And Dr's Back

Into Court

Did It Once

Only Problem

Presiding Judge Clark Now

On Attorney Bribes

What Does She

Earn

Is It Like Judge

Sawbraw's Transvestite

Factories

At The Border

We Know You Be

Recruiting

Barbie For Fun

But Once You

Done A Trans

Dolly

Fettish Gets In

Don't Want Your

Bottoms

Bugs

In My Courts

Got So Many

Trans Officers

Wanna Hear

The Travesty

And Trajectory

Sir

Chop Your Junk

Offer The Goods

Like Sushi Hurt

Never To Fish

Again Sir

Chop The Junk

You Might Buy

Kanye West

Or Maui

Seaside Property

With Foul Brokers

You Think

Chop The Junk

It's Not My Thing

Sir

An Elective Surgery

On Obama Care

Tax Dollars

Tax The Junk

Elon's Son/ Daughter

Heshe Vivian Musk

And The Hookers

Who Groomed

Her

Tax The Junk

Tax 'Ye's Conservatorship

We Felt He Was A

Mommy Lover

Donda His True

Color

Tax The Junk

Bruce Jenner

Heshe Caitlin

Tax The Junk

Don't Care How Pretty

Those Persian Cats

Are In Elvin Prison

Tax The Junk

Tax Tmobile

Tax Latinos Who

Can't Fix Voice-mail

For A Custody

Battle

Tax The Junk

Tax Airbnb Gags

In Federal Government

Tax The Junk

Sheriff Bianco

For Being A F'ing

Coroner

Tax The Junk

Tax Advanced

Dermatology

IEHP Gays

No Don't Take A

Chunk Of My Nose

Instead Tax The Junk

The Covid Test Probes

Tax The Junk

The Manorexic DAs

Tax The Junk

The Sex Offenders

Tax The Junk

Epstein Business

Gag Orders Appeared

To Have Gotten

In The Way

Take The Junk

$300 Billion To #FreeBritney

Tax The Junk

The El Salvidorians

Harem Servicing

My Old Broker

Shane Stewart

Tax The Junk

The IRS Biggots

The Faggots

Who Stole USA

And Our Children

As Brands

Tax The Junk

I'm Tellin' Ya Maui

Tax The Junk

Dr. Oz

Wasn't Meant To

Be A Magician

In A Conservatorship

Like Robin Williams

Tax The Junk

Poly #Kfed TMZ

Canadian

Commonwealth Scammers

Tax The Junk

#PrinceOfPegging

Journalists

On Bribes

Tax The Junk

No More Rockets

How Dare You

Shoot Off Another

Bribed Piece Of

Warfare Here

In The United

States Nasa

For Oily Blood Money

How Dare You

Shoot Off

Another Piece Of

Warfare In Ukraine

And Charge Our

Journalists

200 Million

Hacked

By The Littlest

Clark Relative

Running The Dr's

And Attys

Nazi Crimes

Spreading Lymes

Get Yourself Pine Resin

Get Turpentine

Get Your Turps Up

And Get Them

Nano Particles

Out Infecting

Judges Murderin'

Wives

Get Them Heavy

Metals Out

Of Your Brain

Can Still Think

Britney Likes

Turning Tricks

For Federal Government

On Twitter

Really

You Think

Facebook

Microsoft Court

Bribes

Anne Heche

Didn't Like Being

Murdered on Fentanyl

For Atty Broker

Bribes

And I Didn't

Like Getting Hung

Up On By Millions

Of Courts

Robbed Of Everything

I Didn't Like It

Dykes Of Defense

What You Did

Fingerin' Me

Take It Back

Elon Will Pay

Tally It Up

I'm Singin' Us

A Happy Ending

Camping Now

Cleaning Homes

For Showers

And Lexus Lemon Laws

Stalls

Mechanics

But Need My Homes

Sick

It's Boring As "F"

And I'd Add

3 0's To Damages

For Holocaust

World War 3

No More Pao

Needed From Maui

Dragons Came And Burnt

Everything

Peace

Mahalo

Mojomana

Luna

Sisters Divine

(SUNG TO MORENGA)

Mahalo- Pau- Peace

Nitya Nella Davigo Azam Moezzi Huntley Rawal

0 notes

god-whispers · 9 months

Text

jul 29

week in review - headlines

"behold, I come; in the scroll of the book it is written of me." psa 40:7

FedNow Is Live And The Framework Is In Place For CBDCs Yesterday, with a bit of fanfare but not TOO much fanfare, a “wonderful” new product was launched. FedNow is live, and we can all transfer money to our heart’s content via the Federal Reserve. We are now officially on that slippery slope I’ve been talking about. I wrote about exactly this happening in my dystopian fiction, Good Citizens, and discussed how this could evolve to control almost every aspect of our lives.

Texas public universities offering women’s studies courses on witchcraft, ‘worship of the devil’ Students at publicly funded Texas universities are now able to enroll in courses about witches, black magic and the supernatural — under the guise of women’s studies.

Depths Of Depravity: Gay Parents Pressure Surrogate to Kill Baby After Her Cancer Diagnosis It’s hard to imagine the depths of depravity involved in the utterly heartbreaking story I am about to tell you. All I can do is cry out against such evil along with the Psalmist, “O Lord, God of vengeance, O God of vengeance, shine forth!” (Psalm 94:1). I know we aren’t as bad yet in society, but it’s accounts like this that really do make me feel as if we are living in days like Noah

World revival is coming World revival is coming – but not a Christian revival. The future will see a world religion that exalts man and minimizes God. … While the coming world’s religious system in some ways resembles Christianity, John calls it “Babylon the Great” – a monstrous, ecumenical combination of everything that people consider “spiritual.” And the world will buy into it – hook, line and sinker.

CEO Of Tech Company OpenAI Says To Prepare Yourself For The Coming ‘World ID Alex Blania, CEO of Worldcoin, a company that wants billions of people to scan their irises to create a global system of authentication, says that a global form of ID is coming ‘whether you like it or not’.

WHO’s power grab through surveillance and “triple billion” targets During an interview with Peter Sweden, Noor Bin Ladin exposed how the World Health Organisation (“WHO”) does not care about your health, but instead, it acts as a globalist organisation under the United Nations (“UN”) to bring about centralised control. She discussed how the aim has been the same for the past 100 years, WHO’s grand designs for surveillance and its “triple billion” targets.

Thanks to China’s evil plot to “starve the world” the oceans will cease to be a food supply… By now, you’re probably aware that China is a formidable adversary, particularly with our current leader in office who has no real authority or control. Decades of past failed US leadership has enabled China to act recklessly. And we’re very sad to report that one of their most devious schemes has been realized, and it involves the ocean and the global seafood supply. Brace yourself, because what we’re about to disclose is genuinely alarming.

Starving 8-year-old girl jumped out of second-story window, walked barefoot to nearby store to ask for food: Report A disturbing story out of West Virginia indicates that an 8-year-old girl had become so hungry that she jumped out of a second-story window and walked barefoot across a busy road late at night to find food at a nearby store.

Thought Crimes on Trial: Ireland’s Controversial Bill Threatens Prison Time for Wrong Speech American lawyer Jonathan Turley predicts that other countries might pass similar laws as part of a broader movement in Europe, particularly within the European Union, aiming to restrict freedom of expression.

Military Notes a Spike in Myocarditis Cases — Wonder Why? A top Pentagon official has confirmed what many of us have known all along; myocarditis cases in the military have soared since service members were forced to take the shot.

Biden official calls providing abortion to military members a ‘sacred obligation’ The National Security Council, under the Biden administration, apparently thinks it is necessary to facilitate the killing of children in the womb to keep America’s fighting females in fine form.

CIA, DoD & Rockefeller Foundation confirmed as architects of Deagel .com 2025 Depopulation Forecast & current Mortality Rates imply Covid Vaccination has made it a target that could be hit In a world where reality often seems stranger than fiction, the machinations behind global events can be an enigma wrapped in mystery. One such intrigue revolves around Deagel.com, an obscure online entity known for its exhaustive data on military capabilities and eyebrow-raising depopulation forecasts for 2025.

Intelligence agency funding research to merge AI with human brain cells An Australia intelligence agency is funding research attempting to merge artificial intelligence with human brain cells.

China Prepares For War: A Timeline Xi’s Inexorable March Toward War.” He’s fond of discussing, and he’s not shy about it, “The rejuvenation of the great Chinese race,” which he likens it to his life’s singular goal. – In October 2022, he mentioned his “laser-like focus on reacquiring the Taiwanese separatists.” He says that if he cannot achieve it, his entire set of lifetime achievements would amount to failure.

Can anyone explain the alarming rise in disability in both the US and UK? I just got off the phone with Ed Dowd. We both agree that the highly alarming rise in disability data in the UK and US is 100% consistent with the COVID vaccine being the cause. If we are wrong and there is a better explanation, why are all the health authorities silent?

Despite Massive Extended Protests, The Netanyahu Government Pushes Through Passage Of ‘Reasonableness Act’ Limiting Power Of Israeli Courts There is big change happening in Israel right now, and it’s being led and championed by Israel’s longest-serving leader, and the people are….hopping mad. Called the ‘Reasonableness Act’, which sounds a little too much like the ‘Enabling Act’ from pre-war Germany, it passed by a vote of 64-0. What’s next? Some are saying nothing short of civil war. Oy, vey! Israel on the brink.

Scientists Working on Merging AI With Human Brain Cells A team of researchers just got a $600,000 grant from Australia’s Office of National Intelligence to study ways of merging human brain cells with artificial intelligence.

Violent thunderstorms spawn unprecedented tornadoes, produce giant hail in Italy Italy confronts contrasting weather extremes as violent thunderstorms, accompanied by giant hailstones, struck northern parts of the country on July 24, 2023, leaving two people dead and causing widespread destruction. In contrast, southern Italy grapples with persistent heatwaves, causing wildfires and the temporary closure of Palermo airport. Civil Protection Minister Nello Musumeci described the current conditions as some of the most complicated Italy has faced in recent decades.

‘The deadliest threat America’s ever faced’: Mass-produced in China, trafficked from Puerto Rico and available online for just $1 a KILO – why the flesh-rotting zombie drug ‘tranq’ has the DEA terrified A cheap animal tranquilizer being mass-manufactured in China and flooding America’s illicit drug supply is terrifying health officials. Xylazine, or ‘tranq’ as it’s known on the street, has been dubbed a ‘zombie drug’ due to the hunched-over, lifeless state it leaves users in and fact that it causes users’ bodies to erupt in gaping wounds.

The Biden Administration Is Inducing Famine Conditions And Will Enforce Eo 13603 In Order To Eliminate All Resistance Through Planned Starvation Henry Kissinger once admonished leaders that if they controlled oil, they would control nations. However, if one controls food, they control people! Bill Gates and China are doing irreparable damage to the farming industry and the climate change policies are closing the loop.

INFALLIBLE: Pope Francis Tells A Young Transgender Person That God Loves Them Just As They Are, Affirming The LGBTQIA Lifestyle And Agenda Where does it take you if, your whole life, you are a good Catholic who follows the Catholic Church, prays to the ‘Blessed Virgin’, and believes everything they’re taught? It takes you straight to the pit of Hell because at no point during your Catholic life will any priest, bishop, monsignor or pope tell you how to get saved and become born again. The LGBTQIA+ affirming Pope Francis this week consigned a transgender soul to Hell after telling them they didn’t need to change, and that ‘God loves you just as you are’. What does the Bible say? It says the opposite. The pope is quite the liar.

The CBDCs Are Coming, And The Elite Plan To Use These “Digital Currencies” To Enslave Humanity Central bank digital currencies are feverishly being developed all over the globe, and this is something that should deeply alarm all of us.

Population Control and Official USG Policy Personally, I have been reluctant to wander down the rabbit hole relating to various “depopulation agenda” theories involving the COVID crisis. However, the odd concordance between a possible population reduction objective and the dysfunctional “public health” policies is obvious to all open minded thinkers.

0 notes

briamichellewrites · 1 year

Text

Because of Elliot’s age, she was transferred to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. She had a private room with a private bathroom, tv, DVD player, and a fold-out bed with blankets and pillows. It was a lot better than the adult ICU. Before leaving, George was able to get her blanket. She was hooked up to different machines that did the same job. Her new team came in and introduced themselves. If they had any questions or concerns, they were always welcome to bring them up. George thanked them.

The ventilator was doing its best to clear out her lungs. She was examined by a doctor and nurses, who checked her lungs, heart, and blood pressure. Before swapping out, Brad had given him her medical records just in case. He shared them with the doctor. She was getting treatment for breast cancer? Yes, she had some type of surgery to remove the tumor.

She was going to meet with her doctor to discuss the next steps. He apologized for not remembering all of the details. Was he her father? No, he was a friend of the family. Her father was at home resting. He also had a new baby he was taking care of. Okay. The doctor asked permission to look through the medical records. Oh, yeah. He could look through those. Elliot looked around at the new scenery. There was a window she could look out of.

She couldn’t see anything but the sky and some buildings, but it was better than a curtain. It was gloomy and cloudy outside. She assumed it was cold, as well. After wearing her street clothes, she was dressed in a hospital gown to make it easier for the nurses and doctors to examine her. Thankfully, she was able to keep her underwear on. That made her feel more comfortable.

Her clothes were folded up and put into a hospital bag, along with her hat. She listened to the conversation between George and the doctor while the nurses made sure she was comfortable. Was she warm enough? She nodded and gave a thumbs-up. Okay, good. After thanking the doctor, he came over and told her he was going to step out into the hallway to call her father. He was just going to tell him where they were. She nodded. He would be right back.

He had to give her a lot of credit. She was doing great, despite not feeling well. While he was gone, she felt herself getting tired, so she closed her eyes. Brad thanked him for letting him know. The pediatric ICU did seem to be more appropriate for her age. He was going to ask about that, but he didn’t want to be rude. They might have assumed she was eighteen.

Shiloh was crying in the background, as Anna tried to soothe her. Her little premature body could not handle the stimulation of the bright lights. All she could do was cry. Mommy. She waved her arms around and jerked her legs. Anna brought her into a room where it was darker and shushed her. Brad came in after ending the phone call. He rubbed his finger against her hand. Daddy is right here. She stopped crying and held on to his finger.

“Were you just angry because daddy wasn’t here”, Anna asked.

He laughed. “No, it was something else.”

“Thanks for making me feel better.”

No, she had just gotten what she wanted and that was a different room. She let go of his finger and relaxed in her mommy’s arms. Babies had a special language and they had to work together to understand what they wanted or needed. She loved being held near her parents’ chest because she could hear their heartbeat.

It was comforting to hear because it reminded her of being in the womb. George found her fast asleep with the blanket pulled up to her chin. Her body was doing everything it could to fight off her cold. He hoped that she would make it. She had so much life still to live. He heard the beeping of her heart monitor and he looked at the waves. Her heart rate was stable but her oxygen levels were doing their best. She coughed, fogging up her mask for a moment.

Brad and Anna took Shiloh to the local animal shelter to find a new pet for Elliot. A volunteer came over and asked how she could help them. He told her that they were wanting to get a puppy for his teenage daughter, who was battling cancer. The volunteer asked them questions about his daughter, including if she had any other pets at home and if she was able to care for the animals.

Yes, she was able to care for the animals. She had a Terrier, though they couldn’t remember the breed. It was some US president. Teddy Roosevelt Terrier? Yeah, that sounded correct. Those breeds were good with other animals. The volunteer learned she was in a wheelchair, so they were looking for a low-maintenance dog. While looking at different breeds, they came across German Shepherds. They were great with people in wheelchairs and they got along well with other dogs.

The black and tan puppy, named Freddie Mercury was ten weeks old and was potty trained. Freddie Mercury. That was perfect for Elliot! Freddie wagged his tail and looked as cute as possible. Adopt me! The volunteer let them get acquainted with the puppy. After paying the adoption fee, they bought the necessary items before bringing the new puppy home. She was going to love him!

The following day, he spoke to Elliot’s doctor personally to ask about bringing the puppy to visit her. Was the puppy updated on their vaccinations? Yes. After asking more questions, the doctor gave the okay. As long as the puppy didn’t visit other patients. He understood and thanked him. While she was being treated by the nurse, he ran home to pick Freddie up while George stayed with her, as an adult had to be with her at all times.

Was she surprised? Very! She pointed to herself. Yes, he was hers. What did she think? She hugged the puppy, who wagged his tail. Human! Hi, human! A nurse and her trainee came in to take her vitals and see how she was doing. She had a huge smile on her face and in her eyes.

Brad told them how he had just adopted a new puppy for her. What was the puppy’s name? Freddie Mercury. Did she want to sit on the floor with him? She nodded. Together, the nurses set up a blanket for her to sit on before helping her to the floor. George picked Freddie up and put him in her lap. They then sat with them. She thanked her father for the new puppy. You are welcome! Did she have any animals at home? She nodded.

“She has a dog named, Bruce Springsteen. If she could, she’d adopt every animal in Los Angeles”, Brad answered for her.

“I think he likes you. You’re doing a great job petting him. Maybe when you get home, you can take him outside”, the nurse said.

“Sometimes when I go outside with my nurse, Bruce likes to sit on my lap. He likes to be wrapped in a blanket when it’s cold out.”

“Do you go for walks around your neighborhood?”

She nodded.

That sounded like a lot of fun! Freddie rested his head on her knee. This was his human. He claimed her. When it was time to go, she hugged him one last time. She was then helped back into bed while George gave the puppy a head scratch. You be good, okay? Brad laughed and told him he would be right back. Elliot waved goodbye to them.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon

1 note · View note

chocafe · 5 years

Text

— ygtb ep. 9 reaction

hi there! i decided to write my reactions and thoughts on episode nine as i watched it. the way i wrote everything was pretty messy, so just click “keep reading” if you would like to continue on since i wrote quite a lot! if you haven’t seen episode nine, then this is my warning for you to not continue ahead since this contains spoilers.

i got a batch of cookies and the video is on 1080p i think i am ready

but i’m not mentally ready

i love it how ygtb gets straight to the point within one minute, but produce 101 is over here taking fifteen minutes to even get the episode started

ya’ll think i can find the fansite i bought my junkyu slogan from in the audience?

IM SICK AND TIRED OF SEEING THE ADIDAS LOGO WE GET IT YOU GET MORE SCREEN TIME THAN THE ACTUAL TRAINEES DO

omg the voting system its giving me produce 101/48 flashbacks i don’t deserve this

˗ˏˋ boomerang team ˎˊ˗

hyunsuk’s new hair color looks so nice on him ♡____♡ im still a blonde!hyunsuk supremacist though

out of all wanna one songs they chose boomerang

there’s burn it up, beautiful, light, and literally every wanna one song

but they chose boomerang with their whole chest

Wannables We Attack

HUH SLEEVELESS HYUNSUK

oh my god hyunsuk’s roots are overgrown now i know why they needed to dye his hair

jihoon cant say he’s fine when he just messed up his knee im really going to (softly) punch him :(((

HIS WING WING WING WING WAS SO SOFT

perhaps yoshinori is a rap god

yeongue gives me <major> daehwi vibes in this performance

i know i’m supposed to take him serious in this, but uwu my son

jihoon singing seongwoo’s part? huuuuuuuuuuuuuuh my mf heart has just crumbled into a million of pieces!

it’s a win for me tonight #Haylees1stWin

SHUT UPPPP I DONT WHAT THE FUCK HYUNSUK IS RAPPING ABOUT BUT I LOVE HIS RAPPING SO MUCH

dohwan needed more “shinning parts” in the performance (╥﹏╥)

i feel bad because everyone was given a part to stand out, but dohwan really wasn’t given one to showcase his abilities (unless the editors cut it out since they don’t show us the whole performance)

imagine if i was in this crowd and i just bribe everyone around me with money to vote for my favorite trainee

˗ˏˋ growl team ˎˊ˗

this is like when you play dodge ball and people choose their teammates, but you’re the last one to get chosen

except, that’s everyone in the growl team

:-(

they got stuck with the “left over song” but growl is a TIMELESS BOP. PERIOD.

jaehyuk keeps on burdening himself and that truly makes me upset because i’ve been in his position before

it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to be where he’s at because he has time to improve himself and prove everyone wrong

they really made this stage their own red carpet

i really liked how the camera followed them on stage since that’s exactly how exo used to perform growl

the performance was good because you have to take into account that they have all only been trainees for a few months

˗ˏˋ dumb and dumber team ˎˊ˗

dumb and dumber team is here to take the #1 spot

BYOUNGGON WITH HIS HUGE ASS BEANIE IS SO FREAKING CUTE I LOVE THIS MAN

bex made his appearance again- we stan!

“i don’t understand what’s happening” me when my teacher chooses me to answer a question in front of the whole class

the dumb and dumber team was so good??? like i was really immersed in the performance??

they especially did a great job when they came down to perform RIGHT in front of the fans because i know a majority of fans love it when idols come down in the middle of a performance/concert and interact with them in some way or another

it was like a concert where everyone’s favorite parts are when the idols disperse and just have fun on stage and feel the same energy as the hyped up fans

no wonder they got #1

oh yeah and btw i spoiled everything by reading kfan tweets last week so i know all of the team ranks, who got eliminated, ect.

my friend texted me just now telling me that we predicted everything except for the last ten minutes so i guess i wont be surprised until the ending

anyways . . . let’s get it

˗ˏˋ dna team ˎˊ˗

wait what? weren’t they supposed to show us winner mentoring the dna team

that’s it?

okay

THEY MADE HARUTO SING TAEHYUNG’S PART BECAUSE THEY HAVE A SIMILAR LOW VOCAL RANGE ARGHHHDHSSH I APPROVE

haruto: TAKE IT

keita: ᵗᵃᵏᵉ ᶦᵗ

THE RODENT IN MY ATTIC IS FINALLY COMPLIMENTING SEUNGHUN

IT IS WHAT HE DESERVES WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG TO YOU HAG

it took yg two years to finally notice seunghun’s potential while it took me one minute

petition to have me as the new ceo

they literally said hey everyone in the audience hold up for like 10 minutes we need to bring out these light up podiums

hmmmmmmm

hmmmamamama

hhhyyayyyuahajs

im going to start cryinfdds

HSJFLSJFLSKSFL

THIS IS BITTERSWEET BECAUSE DUMB&DUMBER ARE HAPPY THAT THEY WON BUT THAT MEANS THE TRAINEES THEY’VE TRAINED WITH HAVE THE HIGHEST POTENTIAL OF BEING ELIMINATED REALLY MY HEART HURTS

I DONT LIKE THIS FEELING MARTY IM SCARED

im screaming “dont cry” at my laptop screen but why am i crying at the same time

“CHAIRMAN YANG PLEASE LOOK THIS WAY”

me in the crowd: *throws an egg at him and runs off*

WE RIOT

LADIES AND HATED HUMAN BEINGS WE RIOT

ALL MY HATERS GON RIOT WE GON MOB YG

yg use your card

yg bring seunghun and keita back

I SAW RUMORS SAYING HE BRINGS ONE OR BOTH OF THEM BACK SO YG PLEASE JUST BRING THEM BACK

keita telling seunghun that they did well because he’s always seen as the positive/happy kid, but he’s also on the verge of tearing up :(((((

keita sweetie its okay to cry too

and seunghun being mostly disappointed that he’s failing his mother like sweetie ITS ALRIGHT YOUR MOTHER IS PROUD OF YOU NO MATTER WHAT

i hate survival shows why do i still watch these stuff

hi i actually stopped writing my reactions after this because i was a little bitch and couldnt type anymore so i just went to go spam my friends with audio messages of me yelling

maybe i can upload my audios i sent my friends if they’re not too annoying (trust me, they’re annoying)

anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk

seunghun will rise again

the editors are trying to make it a surprise when seunghun is the only trainee wearing a grey(?) sweater, with a red font, black undershirt and light washed blue jeans

SEUNGHUN NATION MAKE SOME NOISE

SEUNGHUN!!!! WHEN!! YOU!!! SMILE!!! IT!! MAKES!!! ME!!! HAPPY!!!!!!!!

#lee.txt #yg treasure box #ygtb #i sent a video of me crying over ygtb to my cousin and she sent me a video from a while back of me explaining to her how it's okay to cry #and she goes - you're such an cancer sjsksjsjs #cancer cry babies unite!

17 notes · View notes

yoursdana · 7 years

Text

Not to be fake deep or dramatic or pessimistic but I’ll be honest with you as a 19 yr old aka an Official last year teen I truly think young ~love~ is more about the crying afterwards and late night car rides with your friends and being drunk at parties trying not to think about it....Like....Okay the fun parts are fun but when I think of how it went for all my friends and I always that’s where we end up so...HONESTLY...when I think of every teenage romance I’ve had? I think of a lot of unsaid things but also too many things said and a lot of my friends and I picking each other back up and I THINK...that’s what it’s rlly about...picking yaself back up

#This is a shoutout to my cancer bff who always goes thru it with me cancers unite baby #ALso a shoutout to my other messy friend and the night we were both very broken up #and another shoutout to the time I picked up my one friend and she was crying #LIKE THAT'S IT BABY #TEENAGE ROMANCE? It's about the TEARS not about the good times #I BELIEVE THAT

5 notes · View notes

pranksinatrastrology · 4 years

Text

Sun Signs Vs. Moon Signs

Your sun sign in astrology is your ego, personality, will, a fundamental sense of self. The best way I had it described to me was the sun sign is what you strive to be. Your moon sign is deeper, more subconscious in the way it presents itself in people. The moon represents your desires, your emotions, the things we keep internalized, longings, who you are when you are alone. If the sun “strives to be”, the moon simply “is”. The moon is not put on or aspired to, it is what is under the surface, inherently a part of us. It bubbles and desires and lives under the sun, impacting us heavily in how we relate to others, what we need out of those relationships, and how we bound about others. For the sun think the outer jazz hands of who we are, moon think deep, what you see after you get to really know someone and engage with them emotionally. Here are some key differences between the SUN in the signs and the MOON in the signs:

Aries Sun: Aries is a fire sign and also the first sign of the zodiac, the newborn baby of the signs, so to say. The Sun is also exalted in Aries which means it is at home in this combination, it is comfortable here. The Sun likes being in the motivated, action-driven sign of Aries. While a sun and moon in Aries share many characteristics, there are some key differences, one of which being the sun can be less aggressive than the moon. The Aries sun people have a lot of energy, but are usually less reactive than the Aries moon will be. Both share the qualities of being childlike, competitive, and a tendency towards being argumentative.The Aries sun can contain their nature better than the Aries moon can which means they will come across more composed than an Aries moon. Aries sun people are generally brave and pioneers who enjoy a challenge.

Aries Moon: The moon is where all the quintessential fiery Aries characteristics are very apparent. They have lots of mental energy and fire and passion, in the feminine planet of the moon. The masculine energy of Aries and the feminine moon colliding can make for some explosive inner conflict, as the moon is not at ease in this placement. The Aries, ruled by mars, wants action, while the feminine moon wants stability and softness. Aries moon can be a very strong placement that can overpower a less bold sun sign (i.e. pisces) and it may make the person appear more Aries-like than Piscean to those close to them. This moon sign burns hot and bright, feels a lot, and can be ready for a fight at any moment. It doesn’t mean that they are always arguing, but the potential for an argumentative personality when they are emotionally provoked is there for a less evolved person. An aries moon can be more playful than the sun, as it has more raw Aries energy, in the placement of emotions and desires (the moon).

Taurus Sun: Taurus is an earth sign, the sign of the bull, and the sun in Taurus is more of the quintessential bull stereotype when compared to the moon in Taurus. It is protective, strong, and solid. It is more visibly Taurus, as the sun, than it is in the moon. The fixed nature of the Taurus is more apparent here, as well. Fixed signs are stubborn and can be set in their ways, and those can be traits displayed by Taurus Suns. Taurus can be more shallow in the sun than in the moon, because it is striving to be Taurus like, while the moon just is. They enjoy the finer things in life like food, music, nice scenery, all things that delight the senses, but they are less overindulgent than the moon signs, typically. Taurus sun is also less tactful and sensitive to other’s feelings than the moon. Taurus suns stubborn personality can be their asset when they use it to accomplish their goals, they can be extremely determined. They work hard to obtain the things they want that can help them relax and feel comfortable, they are working for an end, not just working to work. They want their hard work to pay off and lead to a more comfortable, secure life.

Taurus Moon: The Taurus moon is softer than the sun, more graceful, and more refined. They can have an apparent softness or femininity to them the suns lack. They are more sensitive than the sun with their own feelings and with others’. Taurus loves the finer things in life but the moon sign, being the deeper more inherent manifestation of Taurus energy, just exudes a sensuality and feeling of comfort. They can be described as coming across as “chill”. They are also more indulgent in all things comfort and sensual, than the sun signs, and can get lost in laziness more easily. They are stubborn, but it comes from a deeper place, either evoked by an emotional trigger, or stubborn about their emotions. Both placements have a need for security and stability, but the moon sign will suffer greatly emotionally without it. They also love, love, because Taurus is ruled by Venus (planet of love), and are in the soft feminine moon here...this makes them real lovers of love. They will dote on the one they love and spoil them with romantic gifts and things that indulge one’s senses.

Gemini Sun: Gemini, Gemini, Gemini, you can be so fun in the sun! You can also be incredibly “put on”. The sun in Gemini “strives to be” seen as intelligent, quick witted, and interesting and more times than not they are...but it can come across as shallowness to others. Gemini is a cerebral air sign, in their heads with very active minds. The sun tends to be more of the social butterfly when compared to the Gemini moon. They are more intense than the moons, as if they want to appear easy going, but inside they are not. They are less about asking questions and more about providing answers, than the moon in Gemini is. They are the fun aloof friend at the party working the room, or the dry factual friend who is giving out information and facts (that maybe no one asked for) depending on their other placements. They want a mental connection first and foremost, which is a trait they share with the Gemini moon placement.

Gemini Moon: The Gemini moon is also restless, cerebral, and intellectual but they tend to be more in their head than the sun. They are very naturally curious for curiousity’s sake, and less showy about their knowledge. Yet, still Gemini is ruled by mercury, the planet of communication, so communication is a vital need gemini moon’s have. They can sometimes take that to the extreme and end up being gossips and collect information about those around them but that is not always the case. They are internally restless, easily bored, minds constantly in motion. They come across as easier, breezier people than the sun signs do. They are more willing to say they do not know something than the sun signs, because remember, they are not striving to be seen as curious, they just are. They also long for a twin flame or a partnership, preferably made by mental connection first. They can have a hard time making decisions and experience a lot of anxiety because there is so much constant mental activity happening here. Crave communication.

Cancer Sun: They behave outwardly more like a Cancer than the Cancer moons do, meaning they ACT on the desires of a cancer more. A Cancer likes security, the sun will go out and get it, while the moon will FEEL the desires for security but may have a harder time going out to get it. A Cancer sun takes more action than a cancer moon to change a situation they don’t like. Both the sun and the moon have strong survival and self protective instincts. They are the crab after all, they have tough outer shells but are mushy inside. The suns are lighter than the moons and tend to have a goofy, if not wacky, sense of humor. Both signs place an importance on family, or those in their life they make into their family (doesn’t have to be their birth family, chosen family is just as important to them), but the Cancer sun is less of a homebody than the Cancer moon is. The sun is more outwardly Cancer presenting, meaning they will go into a space and make it comfortable for others and home-like. They can have strong leadership skills but won’t lead in a typical way, it will be more encouraging people to unite under a common goal, than strictly delegation. Cancer suns are less of the motherly cancer stereotype than the cancer moon. Once they come out of their shells, they will express very raw authentic feelings to those close to them.

Cancer Moon: The Cancer moon is right at home in this placement. The moon is the ruling planet of cancer, so it is the sign in the planet that rules it, so soft and mushy...these people are highly sensitive! They are so at home here, it is easy to get stuck in their feelings and brood or mope. Less evolved cancer moons can sulk and throw pity parties, but an evolved cancer moon will learn to accept their level of sensitivity and know when to put up boundaries and when to let others in. Cancer moons FEEL like a cancer, they feel the desires or emotions that are stereotypical to the Cancer energy: nurturing, needing security, desire for family or family-like belonging. They also tend to express their anger through crying, as they are very soft inside. They are BABY. They have the tendency toward being passive aggressive to others and to be manipulative to protect themselves before they mature. A cancer moon can be a gift to have around when they have matured and know how to handle HOW MUCH THEY FEEL, which is a lot! It also means they are highly empathetic and nurturing to those they love, once they let them in.

Leo Sun: Leo is a fire sign and often characterized as the lion. A Leo is more at home in the sun placement than the moon, all fire signs are really. The sun “strives to be” whatever sign they are in and Leo is no exception! Leo’s are playful, flamboyant, all things glam and glitter (doesn’t mean they are dressed in bedazzled denim head to toe, their personalities take on those sparkly shapes!) They like to be the leader, they enjoy and thrive off in situations where they can garner some attention or praise. The suns tend to be more of the stereotypical male lion, than the moon, strutting around commanding attention and can have a regal air to them. They can also be very gregarious and generous in return with the attention they languish on those around them that they love. They are more of the leo that will laugh at their own jokes, they are more performative than the moons. Both placements are playful and creative.

Leo Moon: A leo moon is more of the lionness, less about the strutting, more about the hunting. They can be tough and serious when threatened. A leo moon is less striving to be seen as confident and just “is”, when compared to a leo sun. This placement is less bark and more bite. Leo is also an energy that wants to push forward, dream big, take risks, and the moon likes to hold back, be safe, and long for security. Those are dueling energies (leo and the moon), which can create an inner moodiness in a leo moon. They don’t show off as much as a leo sun, but can be surprisingly warmer than the suns can be. When you get close to them and see how their moon is at work you will see they have a lot of inner fire. They can behave very dramatically or react dramatically when emotional. They need attention from those they love. The suns play to the crowd and any attention can fill that need, but the moons need attention from those closest to them. They are more protective, like a lioness, of those they love than the sun, male lion is. Leo is also a fixed sign which makes these people emotionally stubborn. But generally people with a leo moon are optimistic, creative, and big dreamers like their sun sign counterparts, they just display it differently. They are the leo that will laugh with you at YOUR jokes.

Virgo Sun: Virgo suns are the analyzers. Again, the sun strives to be, so they want to project the virgo image of having it together, it doesn’t mean that is how they feel inside or on an emotional level. The stereotypes of cleanliness and anal retentive behavior can be true but it is very much just a stereotype. The suns are actually less likely to be organized than the moons are. Virgo suns can be more of an outward projection of that perfection people associate with the sign of virgo. They want to inform others on the best way to live their lives, virgo moons more often feel internal pressure to live up to whatever standard they believe in. That does not mean Virgo suns are arrogant, they believe it is good and loving to help those around them live the best life they can and be the best them they can be! They are not trying to be naggy or know it alls, they truly believe in improvement and self betterment and they will share that knowledge with you. They can be incredibly humble people and can be self critical as they want to project a certain level of “having it togetherness”. They are also incredibly driven when they do invest in a skill or want to learn something they learn everything they can and can become experts in whatever their interests are as a result. They are not boring, as they can be portrayed (no one is boring, just different from you) but they do usually like to have fun in a way that they still feel safe and feels healthy to them.

Virgo Moon: The moon is internally more of the stereotypical virtues related to the sign of virgo, than the sun is. They can be more stressed and anxious than the sun if they don’t live up to the ideals of perfection or the “right way to do something”, in their mind. They need to feel productive, whatever productive means to them. They are very analytical and detail oriented, more so than the suns. They also tend to be more reserved and gentle than the suns. The virgo energy gets projected inward a lot of the time with the moon placement, so they feel critical of THEMSELVES, more than others, which can lead to poor self esteem. It does not mean they can’t be critical of those around them, they can. When they feel out of control emotionally they can begin to project that need for safety and doing things”the right way” onto others. They have to learn how to accept their imperfections and others or they will suffer emotionally. They tend to be more actions based, as an earth sign, than verbal, but are generally introspective souls.

Libra Sun: Libra suns are the more social of the two libra placements. These are the social butterflies of the zodiac, with their outward charm, grace, and preoccupation with beauty. Libra is ruled by venus (planet of love and beauty) so in any libra placement beauty will be of importance. The sun is more concerned with people pleasing than the moon in libra is, at least on a more superficial level. They are also more confident about their beauty than the moon in libra is, which surprisingly can make them less preoccupied with it. They can go to a party and have a hair out of place and still believe in their ability to come across as beautiful, a moon in libra will be very distracted knowing that hair is out of place and have a harder time letting go and becomes preoccupied with whatever beauty related flaw they are displaying. These people can be naturally very flirty, so much so, they may not know when they are doing it or they may not be flirting at all they are just that charming and pleasant to be around. The need for people to like them can lead to some shallow behavior at times and they can be almost aggressively nice. They may actually care less about others than the moon sign because they can be very concerned about whether or not they are liked versus do they like you and want to know you. Libra suns are much more likely to casually date around than a libra moon would be. There is usually something inherently aesthetically pleasing about a libra sun, even if they’re not conventionally attractive and they usually have a large group of friends.

Libra Moon: Unlike the libra sun, the libra moon would not be interested in casually dating for the long term, because a libra moon placement is all about partnership. These people are more intense and romantic than the sun signs. They are also more inherently charming than the suns, who tend to put it on, they just ARE charming and pleasant. They have a very strong emotional need for balance. Libra is characterized by the scales and that is never more apparent than it is with Libra moon’s need for balance. Libra is the sign of relationships and partnerships and if you put that into a moon placement, you get a deep emotional longing for relationships and partnerships. These people need long lasting meaningful relationships to feel emotionally fulfilled. It isn’t that they cannot be whole without another person, even though many of them can feel that way, it is that they will always have a deep longing for a partner. They feel they do their best, have the most emotional growth, are living their best life when they have a partner to do it with. All moon signs have a default, have some kind of common weakness that can ensnare us, and for the libra moon it can be codependency. If they do not have the fortitude to wait for the right partner and invest in themselves first, they can fall into codependency and trying to make partnerships work that they should let go of. These people love love, they yearn for it, exude it, think about it, and think about it some more. In the end they will try and find the right balance because that is what a libra desires, balance. They want a partner they can connect with mentally, who will be their best friend, and who will stick around for the long haul. It is complicated to have a core need be another person or people, so that is something libra moons have to learn to navigate in a healthy balanced way. They can be indecisive because a libra moon come at things weighing both sides and trying to maintain that balance. They are less confident and more self critical of their own physical beauty than the suns. They are far more likely to settle down earlier in life than a libra sun is.

Scorpio Sun: The scorpio sun and moon may have one of the biggest differences between the sun and the moon placements in the same sign in all of the zodiac. The way they present themselves can be very different. As a sun placement strives to be, a scorpio sun strives to be all things scorpio. They want to be seen as mysterious, powerful, unique. They can have act more on scorpio desires than a moon, meaning they can be more reckless with the scorpio energy than the moon sign can. The scorpio sun is a lighter placement than the scorpio moon placement. These people can be dominant and like to be the center of attention but not in a flashy leo-centric way, in a way that craves power over just plain attention. The suns are more open than scorpio moons and more willing to share their feelings. There can be an ego to the scorpio sun because they strive to be powerful, instead of inherently being so or believing deep down they are. They may engage in power plays with people. They tend to form smaller groups of friends than the moon because they open up more than the moon...they form very tight small groups of friends, but with very strong bonds. If a sun in scorpio doesn’t like you, you will usually know it, and with a scorpio moon you may not. They are very determined people and they rarely give up when they want something. They act on the scorpio feelings and things associated with scorpio, while the moon feels them more.

Scorpio Moon: Because a moon sign just is and isn’t striving to be the sign, the scorpio moon is more of the dark stereotypical scorpio energy you hear about. These people are intense, can be very comfortable with the dark side of life, and are the most secretive of the moon signs, and possibly overall placement of the zodiac. They are extremely guarded and self protective, especially when younger. As they mature and evolve they may become more open and less secretive. They are afraid of losing their power to others so they guard their heart and selves heavily, to maintain that control and power. A lot of scorpio moons, for whatever reason have experienced a lot of early traumas in life and they had to learn early on how to emotionally safeguard themselves. While scorpio suns are more outwardly egotistical, scorpio moons can show a more egotistical side to those close to them. It all stems for the internal need for power that lives in all scorpio energy. It is not that they always want to overpower you, they are afraid of losing that power over themselves and therefore not being safe anymore. They can take a very long time to open up and let people in. They loathe being embarrassed or humiliated in any way and can show a vengeful side if they feel you have purposefully set out to hurt them, or they will cut you off completely. The moons can actually be a lot warmer and kinder than scorpio suns because in the moon there is less need for action, they just feel like scorpios but they don’t have to prove it to you. Tends to be more loyal than the suns, but with big loyalty come big feelings and responses if they feel you have set out to betray them. They will try and hide the darkness they feel from others, sometimes even from themselves! They may have a wider social circle than the suns but they are probably less invested in those relationships than the sun will be because it’s rare for them to let people in. These people burn deep with passion and desire and many times, sensuality. This is an inherently sexy placement and they are interested in sex as a subject, but are more private about that then the suns will be. Scorpios like to transform and evolve, so once a scorpio moon matures, this can be a beautiful placement, but before that it can be painful.

Sagittarius Sun: Fiery Sagittarius energy likes to have fun, loves adventure, and is very playful. The Sagittarius suns are all of those things! They are more playful, social, and bubblier than their moon counterparts. They are more philosophical and conscious than the moon is. They can come across very warm and jovial. They can have moments of being snarky or judgmental, but are less so than the moons. Sagittarius energy is more at home and comfortable in the sun placement than the moon. Sagittarius likes action and impulse and so does the sun! They can either present as exhilarating and exciting to someone and they’re drawn in by their almost childlike abandon, or they can present as rash and tactless, even crude to some. The sun sign is more self aware than the moon sign is, the moon sign just inherently is these things. All sagittarius energy can be blunt under the umbrella of trying to appear genuine or honest, but the sun is less blunt than the moon. They are able to hold their tongues a little better than the moon is able to. Sagittarians are truth seekers and usually have a youthful exuberance about them, but it is more apparent in the sun placement than the moon. The suns are more intellectually focused and want everyone to join in on their quest for truth and adventure. Sometimes they can seem like a really excited professor who just can’t wait to impart their knowledge on you, while still being able to hang with the kids, the cool professor. Sagittarius needs freedom as a general rule, freedom to roam and explore, and the sun is no way exempt from that.

Sagittarius Moon: A sagittarius moon can be one of the hardest moon signs to see in someone, they can be hard to spot. They are usually a lot less outwardly sagittarius than the sun signs are. They are generally more critical, even judgmental of the world around them and the people that inhabit it. This can be because they feel they are just being honest and truthful, but they can be incredibly blunt about what they perceive as truth. They can also seem less interested in the philosophical topics that the sun sign is preoccupied with and just want to have a good varied time. They like a lot of variety and change and also desire freedom at their core. If their emotional needs aren’t being met they have the tendency to move rapidly from person to person, or activity to activity trying to find some kind of new thing that will help them feel fulfilled again. They can be incredibly spontaneous which some may find fun and some may find destabilizing to be around.In their quest for their own truth, they can project whatever they believe onto others and require those around them to live by their truth, just because it is true for them. They are people with a complex inner need for variety and that can lead to them forging ahead and leaving behind relationships and people that no longer work for them. They can be somewhat callous in how they go about, what they feel inside, is a noble pursuit of truth. They can be careless with other people’s emotions when they are less evolved. They can lack a filter, especially before they have matured. When a sagittarius moon evolves and learns to be just a bit more tactful, they can be fun friends to have around. They can be inherently optimistic, friendly, and have an easy going feeling vibe to them. They can struggle to commit to things and people but are committed to growth!

Capricorn Sun: Capricorns in general are all about achievement, status, hard work, and accomplishing goals. Capricorn suns strive for status, power, and security. They can be inherently practical and incredibly driven people. There is a certain largeness to a capricorn sun that isn’t felt in the moon placement. They will push themselves out of their comfort zones to achieve what they want, while a capricorn moon has a harder time stepping out of their comfort zone. The suns tend to be more open and communicative than the moons. They will outwardly project the status, and sometimes wealth, they achieve more often than a capricorn moon will. The suns usually display a lot of confidence (regardless of it that’s how they truly feel or not) and they usually draw a lot of respect from those around them. The capricorn suns are more likely to have extrovert-related characteristics than the moon signs will. The suns are usually realistic and grounded people that know what they want and have a plan for how to achieve it. They do have a stronger need for recognition of their achievements than the moon counterpart does. The suns try to maintain control over their emotions and display a practical high achieving persona and they can come across as reserved because of this.

Capricorn Moon: The moon is in detriment in capricorn, it’s just not that comfortable here. Capricorn moons usually maintain the same air of confidence that capricorn suns do that may make them seem successful or dominant but they are far mare guarded and cautious than the suns. They are selective about what they reveal to others about their life and feelings. They tend to be a more stable moon energy and can be very disciplined. They need time to trust you and figure you out before they will open up to you. They exhibit more of a quiet strength and confidence, more inherent, than what the suns put on display. They are much more emotionally restrained than the suns are which can make them appear more intimidating and cold. They are more subtle in their pursuit of their goals than capricorn suns will be, but no less determined. These people can be innately serious and are usually responsible. Not that their entire life will be traditional, but they generally have traditional views about honor and duty and a code of conduct. Because this placement is in detriment, the cooler more disciplined energy of capircorn has a hard time impulsively displaying their emotions in the soft planet of the moon. But once you get close to a capricorn moon you will often experience a lot of reassurance and stability from them. They can have a lot of heart but have a difficult time expressing it. Big emotional dramatic outbursts are not likely to be found coming from a capricorn moon, not unless they are pushed to the absolute brink, but it is more likely they would just cut you off then lose control of their emotions. Achievements are emotional for them, they fill some kind of emotional need for a capricorn moon that is inherent in their make up. They need to be doing their best and being their best; they want that for themselves. Whatever the definition of success is for the individual capricorn moon, they want to achieve it.

Aquarius Sun: Aquarians often get called aliens, otherwordly creatures, and emotionally detached, but I think they are just misunderstood. They can be detached, the sun and the moon, but that doesn’t mean they are unfeeling. Aquarius suns can be very wise, polite, respectful, and make good friends. They care for humanity as a whole and they are intellectual, cerebral beings that like to think there is a higher plain of existence humans could be operating on. They are usually confident in who they are as people and sometimes that can lead to them appearing arrogant or having a god complex. The aquarius sun exhibits its aquarius energy in how they act, not how they feel deep down or their emotional needs, unless their moon sign is also in aquairus. They can detach from their emotions when dealing with people because they believe feelings can cloud judgement. They can be awkward around feelings, especially the less evolved aquarians, but they are not emotionless. They can engage with emotions when they find it necessary. Also aquarian suns can actually feel a great deal of emotion, but the way they express it may seem unusual to others, so they may miss it. They do need space and personal freedom, they do not like being boxed in. The suns are more patient with people and their emotions than the moon signs are. They want to help and provide solutions in intellectual ways for people first, when the people they love around them are upset, but they are capable of engaging with the emotions of those around them as well, when necessary. They like to connect mentally with people. They have strong beliefs and opinions and are unlikely to change them for others. They want to appear, they strive to be seen as, above their emotions, evolved, and highly unique. The aquarius sun can project their uniqueness with fashion and outward things more than the moon. The suns can be moodier than the moons, switching from happy to sad to angry quickly, especially if they have a very emotional moon sign that is battling with their aquarius sun who is trying to intellectually process all those emotions.

Aquarius Moon: The aquarius moon is not striving to be the aquarius characteristics, they just are. These qualities live at their core. Their care for humanity as a whole, the importance of intellect, and their uniqueness are more inherent. They feel more unemotional than other moon signs. They think of people as part of a whole, they see humanity as a whole. If an aquarius is going to be a loner, its more likely going to be the aquarius moon over the aquarius sun. They are generally less social than the sun signs.They can see themselves as above childish emotions and emotional outbursts, but that can be because they are detaching from their true feelings at times. An evolved aquarius moon will allow themselves to feel their emotions, instead of defaulting to detachment. This is a fixed moon sign, so they form strong opinions and beliefs and it is hard to get them to change their minds. They are less preoccupied with appearing unique than the suns are, they are just unwilling to be anyone other than who they truly are. They dance to the beat of their own drum and they will not allow anyone else to change the tempo. They can be very witty and goofy. These moon signs can be obvious to spot in people. They are more at peace with themselves than the sun signs who are trying to project uniqueness and detachment, rather than just being so.

Pisces Sun: Pisces suns can struggle because of how soft and feminine pisces energy is up against the fiery nature of the sun. It can make the very soft energy of pisces a little easier to deal with by balancing it out with sun energy, or it can be a constant inner battle. The sun wants action and pisces isn’t a very action forward energy. Pisces is a very creative energy and the pisces sun signs are very creative people. The sun signs absorb a lot of the energy around them until they just can’t take it anymore and they may lash out. Pisces can be very sponge-like and soak up things around them and become very full of whatever energy surrounds them. A pisces sun may be more sensitive to their own feelings than the feelings of others which can be the opposite case for the moon. They are open minded and compassionate, both the sun and moon. The sun may be more outwardly dramatic than the moon. Out of all the sun and moon signs in the zodiac, a pisces sun and moon may be the most similar, but where the energy goes and how it displays is the difference.

Pisces Moon: A pisces moon is also sensitive, compassionate, and creative like the sun. Because pisces is such soft feminine energy, when paired with the soft feminine energy of the moon, it can be emotional overload. There is no masculine energy to pull a pisces moon out of their feelings. It doubles down on the softness and can get lost in emotion. The pisces moon is likely the most sensitive placement for the moon to be in, only rivaled by the cancer moon. They can vacillate between being very happy to very sad. They are very sensitive to what others are feeling as well and they can have the tendency to hijack what others are feeling and take that on as their own, because they are so absorbent of the energy around them. Pisces moon softness can be very dreamlike, pillowy, and these people can be very dreamy, sometimes spacey, ethereal feelers. The moon will feel these things more deeply than the pisces sun placement will. There may be a constant battle against absorbing other’s emotions and trying to stick to what they alone are feeling. It is a submissive moon sign that naturally wants to please, love, and be loved. The moon can have darker thoughts and feelings than the sun and use different coping mechanisms, both healthy and unhealthy, to try and escape from reality. Pisces moon people are beautiful, dreamy, and extremely sensitive humans. When they evolve they learn that their softness is a strength, but also not everyone deserves to take up room in their life, and will make more room for themselves.

335 notes · View notes

hercleverboy · 4 years

Text

time

spencer reid x reader

summary ↠ spencer learns the truth about why the reader left the team so suddenly during his post-prison showdown with cat adams.

category ↠ angst

warnings/includes ↠ cancer, main character death, crying, pleading someone not to die, please do not read if these are triggering for you.

word count ↠ 3.6k

“Death is peaceful, easy. Life is harder.”

Breast cancer had a history in Y/N’s family. Her grandmother had died from it, and it seemingly skipped her mothers generation. Y/N was not so lucky.

When the doctor told her, she stared blankly she’d at the wall. He was talking at her but she only seemed to pick up on parts of what he was saying.

“Breast cancer”, “stage 4”, “has unfortunately spread to other parts of your body,” “eight months if you’re lucky”

Lucky?

If she’s lucky?

The doctor sent her on her way after discussing some treatments with her. He told her what the side effects of those treatments were going to be, and she’d shaken her head. The doctor looked shocked, but Y/N had just given him a small smile. If she was going to die, she was going to spend her time doing everything she wanted to, not being poked and prodded and given treatments that were unlikely to work anyway.

Initially, she didn’t tell anyone at the BAU. She certainly didn’t tell Spencer, who she’d been crushing on for years at that point. They were best friends, they had been since she started all those years ago, and they were always there for one another. She was always too nervous to tell him how she felt, but it’s funny how finding out your days are numbered will encourage you to do things you never thought you’d have the courage to. So one night at the end of the work day, when the bullpen was empty apart from her and the resident genius, she threw caution to the wind and walked right up to his desk.

He grinned at her as she approached. “Hey, Y/N. Did you want to grab something to eat before you head home? There’s that new Chinese place a few streets over-“ He was interrupted by her saying three words he never thought she’d say to him.

“I love you.”

The silence that followed was suffocating.

“You what?” He manages to get out, his mind was spinning.

“I love you. I’ve always loved you. I’m sorry, you just have to know.”

“Y/N I don’t know what to say I-“ He stumbled over his words, trying to find the right ones. Truthfully, he was in love with her too. Though his own insecurities and stupid thoughts always got in the way. Y/N took his lack of response to mean that he didn’t feel the same, and so she took a deep breath and smiled at him reassuringly. Before he could tell her that he was very sure he loved her too, she was gone, the bullpen’s doors closing gently behind her.

Y/N felt the weight lifted off her shoulders. Despite her thinking Spencer didn’t return her affection, she still felt the sweetest relief imaginable. Because fuck it, if she was going to die she’d be damned If she did so without telling Spencer Reid how much she loved him.

And now he knew.

It brought her a sense of peace.

She told Hotch, but that’s only because she had to give him a real reason as to why she was leaving, after he heard the lie she’d fed the team.

“I’ve been offered a job in the orginised crime unit, I just can’t turn it down.”

“Y/N, can I speak with you?” He’d asked after she’d announced to the team that she was leaving. He led her to his office, closing the door behind her. “I’ll get straight to the point. There is no new job with the orginised crime unit, I would’ve been notified if you’d been offered a new position. What’s going on?”

She couldn’t lie to him, she knew that much. So she took a deep breath and spoke. “I’m terminally ill, sir. I haven’t got long left. I would like to live what is left of my life.” Hotch was understating. He didn’t show it, always very good at masking his emotions, but his heart was broken. He’d even hugged her, telling her what a pleasure it was to work alongside her, how the world would suffer greatly from the loss of her kind heart and unmatched intelligence.

On her last shift, which was a paperwork day thankfully, the team got together and threw her a little in-office going away party. Y/N felt guilty about not telling her friends, her family, the real reason she was leaving but they shouldn’t have to bear that burden, they shouldn’t have to carry around the guilt. And she didn’t want their pity or worry either. Hotch had been surprised at how soon she’d wanted to leave the BAU after telling him of her condition, but she told him it was because she wanted the team to remember her how she was. Strong and confident. She didn’t want to them to see her so weak and vulnerable, how she knew this disease would reduce her to.

JJ found out that day, unintentionally. After laughing and eating some cake with the team, Y/N felt incredibly nauseous (she found she was struggling to keep food down these days), so she excused herself to the bathroom, and was violently sick in the toilet of one of the stalls. JJ had followed her in, noticing how she’d barely touched her cake earlier and that she looked awfully pale as well.

“Y/N? Are you alright?” She asked, opening up the stall door behind Y/N, who was panting over the toilet bowl.

“I’m fine, JJ. I promise.” She smiled weakly but JJ wasn’t buying it. The two women had become best friends over their time in the bureau, almost like sisters.

“You’re not pregnant, are you?” JJ joked as Y/N stood up on shaky legs.

“No, I’m not pregnant Jayje.” Y/N couldn’t look her best friend in the eye, tears filling her eyes.

“Hey, don’t cry. It’ll be okay, what’s wrong?” JJ’s motherly tone made Y/N wanted to laugh but she couldn’t force one out if she tried. Y/N’s lack of response frightened JJ.

“Y/N, you’re scaring me. Tell me what’s wrong, please.” She begged.

“I’m sick, JJ.”

It didn’t take the blonde long to figure out that she didn’t mean a common cold. Tears filled JJ’s eyes.

“I haven’t got a lot of time Jayje.” Y/N cried, and JJ began to sob, pulling Y/N into a tight hug.

“Well there are treatments right? Chemotherapy or something? Something has to work.” JJ was begging, praying that there was something. Her heart shattered all over again when Y/N shook her head.

“I won’t spend the rest of my time hooked up to countless machines receiving treatments that may or may not work. I don’t want to fight this. I’m already so tired, I just want to go peacefully when the time comes. Please?”

JJ just cried harder. She understood Y/N had already made peace with her fate.

After calming down slightly, Y/N pulled back, holding JJ by her shoulders. “You can’t tell anyone. Only you and Hotch know. I won’t burden anyone else with this, okay?”

“Y/N, this isn’t a burden. You’re sick. The team deserve to know, they deserve their turn to say goodbye.” JJ tried to convince her.

“Please. You can’t say a thing. I know they deserve that but god I can’t have them all pitying me. Garcia will buy me gift baskets to compensate, Derek won’t know what to do with himself so he’ll make jokes, and Spencer, god Spence will go into overdrive trying to fix me. I just want to live out my days peacefully, please let me have that Jayje.” She begged, and the blonde nodded.

“I understand, Y/N. But Spence.. he’s one of your best friends. He has been for years now. I know you told him you love him and he didn’t say it back but.. this- this will kill him.” She whispered the last part and Y/N looked away as she fought to stop the tears from falling down her cheeks.

“I know. And I’m sorry if it’s selfish but I’m dying, I think I’m allowed to be a little selfish.” Her attempt at a joke was met with a stern look from JJ.

5 months after Y/N left the BAU, Spencer ended up in trouble in Mexico, and before anyone could do anything he was awaiting trial in a prison cell. He had lot of time to think over the three months spent behind bars, staring at blank walls, fighting to survive long enough for the team to prove his innocence. Every night he slept in his bed he thought of Y/N.

How much he missed his best friend.

How much he loved her still.

He realised how stupid he’d been to let her get away. He regretted not going after her that day in the bullpen and promising her he felt the same way she did. He promised himself the moment he got out he would tell her how he felt, and they could make up for the time they’d lost. He yearned to see her, and If prison taught him anything, it was that time was precious. And he wanted to spend all of his time with her.

When JJ turned up to the prison one day, he’d never felt a relief quite like it.

“We’re taking you home.”

He was relieved that now he could focus on finding his mother, and once that was done he could prioritise Y/N. He would tell her how he felt, how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, no time to waste. He could tell her the words he’d thought a thousands times of the last three months.

I love you. So much.

He just had to win one final time, play Cat Adams stupid game and then everything he’d ever wanted would be his. He could live the life he’d dreamed of when he was in prison, Y/N by his side.

“Even if you are pregnant the baby’s not mine.” Spencer was mortified that she was really trying to persuade him that her baby was his, let alone that she was even pregnant in the first place.

Cat clicked her tongue. “Except for the part where it is.”

“That’s preposterous, you’ve been in prison. And besides we’ve never-“

“So have you, and I know we never...” She trailed off, that smirk on her lips. “Ask me how I did it.”

Spencer was really losing his patience. He didn’t care for, nor did he want to play Cat’s little game anymore.

“Come on, ask me.”

“How did you do it?”

“I had Lindsey dose you in Mexico. You lost time.” Cat smiled at the look of confusion on Spencer’s face. “I told her to pretend to be Maeve.”

That hurt Spencer more than it should’ve. 4 years since the tragic death of his girlfriend, and the wounds were still fresh as anything. Of course Cat knew about Maeve.

“But perhaps it would’ve worked better if I’d told her to pretend to be Y/N, the best friend that you’ve always loved but never told her. It’s a shame that you might never get the chance now.” Cat snarled.

“What do you mean I’ll never get the chance?”

“Oh my god. You don’t know, do you?” Cat teased, and Spencer gripped the edge of the table so harshly his knuckles turned white.

“Know what, Cat?”

“Dear little Y/N has terminal cancer. She was given around eight months to live, from what I know. That would mean-“ She theatrically looked at Spencer’s watch that sat on her wrist. “Any day now, if my timings right.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not.” Cat’s head cocked to the side. This wasn’t part of her original plan, but any opportunity to mess with Spencer even more was not to be missed.

“Yes you are, that what you do.” Spencer seethed, the words like venom on his tongue.

“I’m not. Just ask blondie in there.” Cat pointed to the double sided mirror. “She’ll tell you. It is her that Y/N chose to confide in, after all.” She teased.

Spencer shot up from table with loud bang and stalked out the room, slamming open the door to where a gobsmacked JJ stood.

“Is it true?” Spencer asked, his tone cold and unforgiving.

“Spence..”

“JJ! I asked if it was true?” He shouted, slamming his hand on the wall next to them. JJ flinched, and for the first time in their friendship JJ was afraid of the man in front of her.

“Yes.” Her voice was small.

He whipped out his phone, calling Garcia. “Garcia I need you to look up Y/N Y/L/N’s medical records.”

“Our Y/N Y/L/N? Why?” The chipper woman replied, confused.

“Just please, Garcia!” Spencer shouted desperately.

“Okay okay, I’m looking and everything seems fine- oh wait- what’s this?” Garcia murmured to herself as she clicked through the files, her eyes widening and tears forming in them as she gasped. “She’s sick? W-why didn’t she tell us? Oh my god.”

“She’s alive, right? Oh god please tell me she’s alive?” Spencer begged.

“She’s alive, but she was admitted to the hospital 2 weeks ago after she collapsed. They’re keeping her in the hospital, just trying to make her comfortable- oh god I can’t read anymore.” Garcia was sobbing down the line and JJ had a hand clasped over her mouth to keep her own sobs at bay.

Spencer sobbed too, for the first time since he went to prison. Everything seemed to hit him at once.

After a moment, JJ’s trembling voice reached his ears. “Spence, I know this is a lot to take in but if you want to find out where your mother is you’ve got to carry on.”

He’s knew she was right, but he just glared at her coldly. “How long have you known?”

“Since she left.” JJ cried. “I’m so sorry, but she begged me not to tell you, or anyone else for that matter. How could I deny her that?”

Spencer understood it wasn’t JJ’s fault but he was still so angry. The anger burned within him like a wildfire and he didn’t posses the restraint to put it out. “There was no new job in the organised crime unit, was there?”

“No.”

“Fuck!” Spencer shouted, pushing some files that sat on the table onto the floor with a loud crash as he cried.

“Spence-“ JJ attempted to comfort him but he was downright inconsolable.

“You know she told me she loved me. Before she left.” Spencer spoke quickly and fiercely, though the tears trembling down his cheeks told a different story. He finally looked JJ in the eye, and she nodded. “I didn’t get to tell her I love her but I do JJ, god I do and now I’m gonna lose her.” He let out a heartbroken cry and JJ felt so guilty.

“Spence you have to go back in there and win her little game. Save your mother, and then you can worry about Y/N. Okay?” JJ tried, and this time it seemed the words sunk into him.

Spencer hated that she was right. So with a sniffle, he wiped the tears from his eyes with the sleeves of his blazer, before taking a deep breath and returning to the room with Cat, one even more determined to win.

After winning the battle against Cat, Spencer escorted his mother back to the sanitarium. As soon as she was safe and settled, Spencer was immediately on the phone with Garcia.

“Garcia, which hospital is Y/N at?”

Once he got the address he was there in minutes.

He sped up to the front desk, panting as he spoke. “Hi, I’m here to see Y/N Y/L/N.”

The receptionist nodded, typing away on her computer. Spencer stood as he waited to hear what room she was in, tapping his foot impatiently on the white floorboards. A doctor who had been standing near the desk stepped towards him, and he looked him as she approached. “Sorry sir, Did you say you’re here to see Y/N Y/L/N?”

Spencer turned to her, his voice desperate. He prayed he wasn’t too late. “Yes, yes.”

The doctor looked at him with a small smile. She looked him up and down, coming to a conclusion. “Are you Dr Spencer Reid?”

Spencer gulped, unsure what to say. “Yes. How did you know?”

“Y/N- She talks about you, when she’s in between consciousness. She showed me pictures a few weeks ago, told me all about the man she loved who she was so sure didn’t love her back. She’ll be so glad to see you.”

He wanted to smile at the information but he felt so sick that he couldn’t force his lips up into even a grimace. “How is she?” He dared to ask.

“I’m sorry, Dr Reid. Y/N is incredibly ill. We’re just trying to make her as comfortable as we can, I’m afraid it won’t be long now. Follow me, she could use your company.”

His heart broke but he followed her, attempting not to breakdown in a fit of cries.

When he saw her his heart broke even more. Her cheeks were sullen and she was thinner than he remembered. But she was still so beautiful to him. He thanked the doctor and pulled up a chair next to her, taking one of her frail hands in his. She turned to look at him, flashing a weak smile.

“Spencer? Are you really here?”

“Yes sweetheart. And I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” He choked out, attempting to smile for her sake.

She nodded, and he brought his lips to her hand to place a gentle kiss on it.

“I’ve missed you.” She whimpered out. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ve missed you too.” He felt like breaking down but he had to be strong for her. “Y/N, I have to tell you, if this is the last chance I get I- I love you. I always have done. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you all those months ago. I’m here now, but I’m too late.” He sobbed.

“Hey, hey. . It’s okay. It was a privilege to love you, Spencer Reid.” She smiled, moving her frail hands up to cup his face. It made him sob harder.

“I wish we had more time.” He cried, pressing his forehead to hers.

“I know, me too.”

They talked for the whole evening, and then, when she got too exhausted to continue conversation, he pulled out her favourite book from his satchel. He read to her, listening to the sound of her shallow breathing.

The team visited, all too shocked to say much, but they came to say goodbye. Y/N was barely conscious enough to realise what was going on, but she still managed to give the team a weak smile and a whispered, “Love you guys.”

JJ and Garcia had to leave the room so they wouldn’t collapse in tears front of her.

When the heart monitor went flat in the early hours of the next morning, that loud blaring sound filling Spencer’s ears, his sobs started again as he rested his forehead on her still chest.

“Please. Please don’t go. Come back, I love you.” Spencer begged, his shoulders moving with the sobs that wracked through him. He’d never felt so utterly heartbroken. Not when he watched his father leave, not when he saw his mother’s condition worsen, not even when Maeve was killed right in front of him. None of that compared to how his chest burned and his throat was sore from the sobs that ripped from him, and the tears that relentlessly cascaded down his cheeks.

“Please, baby. Look at me. Let me see them gorgeous eyes, yeah?” He begged, he prayed to every god there ever was that she’d look at him again with those beautiful orbs that he’d fallen so In love with. Those stunning eyes that would never open again.

The doctor, with tears in her own eyes at the scene before her, moved to turn the heart monitor off, the obnoxious withstanding beep cutting off. It made Spencer’s head ache.

Spencer clutched Y/N’s hand desperately to his chest, his head resting on her chest as he cried. He squeezed her hand, and some foolish part of him almost believed that if he squeezed hard enough he’d wake up from whatever nightmare this was. He twisted his eyelids shut and dreamed. He dreamed of waking up next to Y/N, in a bed that they shared, wedding bands on their fingers and their children’s footsteps and laughter filling their home. He dreamed of a life with her, of raising a family with her. He dreamed of the life she deserved.

He wanted to scream. How was this fair? How were murderers and serial rapists walking around with no consequence but people like Y/N had their lives ripped from them?

It was unjust.

But the world was cruel, Spencer knew. It was cruel and it was cold and it was unforgiving.

He raised his head from her chest, using the hand that wasn’t holding hers to place his hand on her cheek. He pushed forward, placing a gentle kiss on her cold and lifeless lips.

it was a goodbye. one that needn’t be spoken.

“I love you, Y/N. I’ll honour you for the rest of my life, I promise.”

Spencer Reid never recovered from losing Y/N Y/L/N.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #mgg x reader #mgg #spencer reid one shot #criminal minds x reader

502 notes · View notes

heroes-of-olympus-next-gen · 3 years

Note

Prompts 31 to 34 for a next gen kid having cancer or smth

Thanks for the prompts <3

AU in which Percabeth’s daughter gets cancer. (It’s an AU because in my storyline in Ao3, Charlie gets cancer, but the prompts don’t fit with the context of the story.) Still, I had a great time writing it and I hope y’all enjoy it :)

They tell you to prepare for the worse. They tell you that kids mysteriously fight cancer and that you should never give up. They tell you to put on a brave face, but none of them knows how it feels to have a kid that is fighting cancer.

The stuffed animals and the colourful rooms of the paediatric unit didn’t make the room any less depressing. Percy was holding in his arms his 7-year-old daughter while she was sleeping. It’s been two years since they had diagnosed her with leukaemia. Annabeth had gone home after work to pick some stuff. Percy knew that she couldn’t stay in the room without freaking out.

Luna was their perfect little miracle. The best thing that had happened in their lives. Nothing could destroy their pure happiness. Nothing except Luna getting cancer. They had tried to be positive. She was a fighter. Nothing could bring her down. But the treatments no matter how aggressive they were, stopped working. The doctors didn’t know how much time she had left. Only a miracle could save them.

“Tell me a story,” Luna whispered with her eyes still closed. She loved listening to fairy tales and stories about her mum and dad. She lived in an imaginary world with dragons, castles, and magic forests.

“When I was 14, your mum and I were inside a volcano.” Percy started narrating.

He wanted to freeze time. Or even better go back a couple years and cherish every moment he had when Luna wasn’t sick. He remembered when she was 5 and playing in the little league. She had managed to score the ball and run up to him.

“Did you see what I did, daddy?” She said with pride and excitement.

“Of course I saw you, baby. I’m so proud of you.” He smiled. “Let me tie your hair back, it’s getting in your face.”

“Okay, but be fast. I have to play.” Percy took her golden locks and put them in a ponytail.

“You’re ready, champ.”

“Thanks, daddy.” She kissed him on the cheek before she ran back to the field.

“And then your mum kissed me for the first time before the volcano exploded.” He told her.

“Did you die?” She opened her eyes. But then she realised what she asked. “Oh. Right. You didn’t die.” She chuckled.

“You’re right. I didn’t die. I came back to her.”

“That’s how the story ends?” Luna complained. “I like the other story better. The one with the minotaur.”

“Do you want me to say it again?” He asked her.

“No, it’s fine. We have a lot of time ahead of us.” She noted. Then the door of the room opened. “Mama!” She smiled and started reaching out for Annabeth.

“Hi, baby.” She took her in her arms. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

They didn’t have a lot of time ahead of them. In reality, they didn’t have any time left. Later that night, her heart gave up and there was nothing left to do.

What the doctors don’t prepare you for what happens next. People send you their condolences and tell you that they’re sorry. But that won’t bring your child back. There is nothing to fill that big void inside of you.

A month after their angel passed away, they finally built up the courage to open the door of her room. Annabeth couldn’t take the pain of watching her daughter’s room with everything right where she left it before she went to the hospital. She started crying. “Shh. I know." Percy put his arm around her.

“I don’t want to touch her stuff. Let’s just leave it like this. It isn’t like we need the room. She wouldn’t like it.” She wiped her tears. “Going through her stuff. She always hated it.”

Percy hugged her. “Are you sure that it is what you want?” He asked.

“Yes, it’s the only way. I wish it wasn’t.” They knew that having a dead child was a burden that they couldn’t handle. Not at least without blaming and hating each other at the end.

“How come I can’t let go of you?” He held Annabeth’s hand.

“It’s because things were never meant to end up this way.”

#percababies #percabeth family #percabeth babies #pjo headcanon #pjo fanfic #percabeth fanfic #percabeth #percy jackson #percy jackson headcannons #pjo next gen #annabeth chase fanfic #trials of apollo #annabeth chase #percy and annabeth #heroes of olympus next gen #toa headcanons #hoo headcanon

28 notes · View notes

minervacasterly · 3 years

Text

The death of a Tudor Prince & the death of the Camelot dream

On the 2nd of April 1502, Prince Arthur Tudor of Wales and Lord of Snowdonia died in his principality at Ludlow Castle. He was only fifteen years old.

This left his young wife, Spanish Princess, Catherine of Aragon, in a political limbo. Questions arose regarding the Princess' possible pregnancy, and later on her alleged purity. The latter would come to haunt her again when Henry VIII made his intentions to annul their union so he could marry Anne Boleyn, clear.

His death also meant the death of his father's ambitions. He had named Arthur after the legendary king who united all of Britain against the Saxons and as such, Henry VII, believed that his eldest son would be the one to bring a second Camelot to England. The Arthurian myth was a Welsh myth that was appropriated by the English and one that Henry VII, being half Welsh, felt a close link to.

When Henry VII crossed the narrow sea and landed in Wales, people began to associate him with old Welsh prophecies, and he used Welsh motifs, claiming to be the true descendant of King Arthur, Cadwalader, etc. Henry VII wasn't the first successful usurper to do this. Henry IV and Henry VII's later-father-in-law, Edward IV had also used this tactic; but being half-Welsh, made more Welshmen directly associate him with these legendary and historical figures. As a result, Cadwalader's banner of the red dragon, became Henry's main flag and part of his royal coat of arms.

Seeking to bring legitimacy to his dynasty, he moved his pregnant wife to Winchester Cathedral, where many believed Camelot once stood. On the 20th of September 1485, Elizabeth delivered a healthy baby boy who was named Arthur and was christened days later.

Arthur received a strict religious and Humanist education and communicated with his future wife in Latin. The two, dressed in matching colors of white and gold, were married at St Paul's Cathedral in November 1501. The ceremony was followed by a sumptuous banquet and weeks of jousts and other lavish spectacle before it was decided the Prince and Princess of Wales should move to Ludlow Castle.

Just what killed Prince Arthur?

No one knows for sure. Historians speculate it was testicular cancer or the sweating sickness, while others take a middle approach (like John Guy) and state that he wasn't the sickly youth he's often depicted as in fiction but given the era he lived in, it is highly possible that he died of some common ailment.

Henry VII and Elizabeth of York, were told of their son's death two days later on April 4. The person chosen for this task was the King's confessor.

Henry was completely devastated. Equally heartbroken, Elizabeth of York “did her best to comfort him as they took ‘the painful sorrow together’” writes Licence. And that “God had left him yet a fair prince, two fair princesses” and that they were still young and could have more children. Afterwards, she went to her chambers to cry, and just as she had done, he comforted her.

Recently, many historians have taken an interest on the Tudor King that never was and have written extensively onhim. Besides the sources I cite below, other notable mentions are by Sean Cunningham whose biography on Arthur Tudor has received a lot of good reviews, Terry Breverton and Debra Bayani's respective biographies on Arthur's paternal uncle, Jasper Tudor, and Amy Licence's latest biography on Catherine of Aragon.

Some fans go even further and ask 'what if?' How different England would be today if Arthur had lived and more importantly, unlike his brother, remained married to Catherine of Aragon?

Since there is not a lot know about him in comparison to his father and brother, and not a lot has been written about him in the past (that didn't have to do with his union to Catherine of Aragon) he remains an interesting figure. And let's face it, we all love a good mystery. Unfortunately, this also makes him the subject of wild speculations and conjectures, most of which have no basis in fact.

Arthur Tudor was laid to rest at Worcester Cathedral on the 25th of April, 1502. His title of Prince of Wales was passed on to his younger brother, Henry, formerly the Duke of York.

Sources:

1. Sister Queens: the noble and tragic lives of Katherine of Aragon and Juana I of Castile by Julia Fox

2. Six Wives, Queens of Henry VIII by David Starkey

3. Henry VII by SB Chrimes

4. Tudor by Leanda de Lisle

5. The Six Wives and the Many Mistresses of Henry VIII by Amy Licence

6. Children of Henry VIII by John Guy

Images: Prince Arthur Tudor, anonymous painter, c.1501. Prince Arthur Tudor on stained glass window at Great Malvern and the tomb of Prince Arthur Tudor in Worcester Cathedral.

#prine Arthur Tudor #history #british monarchy #dailytudors

56 notes · View notes

eretzyisrael · 3 years

Text

Lama Al-Manar, 36, doesn't remember what she put into the small bag she was carrying when she stepped into a Red Crescent ambulance, other than medical documents. She doesn't remember the last words her husband, who was riding with her, said to her before they separated at the Erez crossing. She doesn't know whether he followed them with his gaze when she walked toward the crossing and passed from the Gaza Strip to Israel, where a Magen David Adom ambulance was waiting for her.

From the moment she left Shifa Hospital that afternoon, until she arrived at Sheba Medical Center at Tel Hashomer some five hours later, Lima's eyes never left the incubator that was holding her son, Abdullah, 2.5 months old, whose tiny body was receiving oxygen.

She also wouldn't have remembered what day it was if they hadn't explained how lucky she had been. It was Monday, May 10, 2021, the day on which Operation Guardian of the Walls against Hamas infrastructure in Gaza began. The ambulance that brought her and her son to Israel was the last allowed through Erez crossing before it was closed for 13 days.

Three children are waiting for her at home. Two years ago, she gave birth to a stillborn child, and when she became pregnant for the fifth time, she was eager for the new baby to bring joy back to the home. But Abdullah was born two months prematurely with a complicated heart defect and Lamaand her husband realized they would need to fight for his life.

"I was afraid. His condition wasn't good," Lama says. "He lost weight, and his breathing and other parameters slowed. I prayed to God to heal him. To fight for his little life. A doctor at Shifa Hospital recommended that we send him to Israel for treatment. My husband reached out to the Shevet Achim organization to help us get him there."

Thursday afternoon, the 11th day of the Gaza campaign. The radio reports a rocket alert in Ashkelon, and then a direct hit on a residential building. We arrive at the parking structure attached to the labor ward at Sheba Medical Center, which is next to the Edmond and Lily Safra Children's Hospital. The children's ICU was transferred here on the fifth day of the fighting for fear of rocket hits.

We go down one floor. After walking through the gray halls lined with oxygen tanks at the ready, we encounter a colorful sign decorated with a drawing of a sun and a kite: "Protected Children's ICU." Reality stays outside. In the parking structure, which was filled with cars the previous week, there are 40 small beds. Each one takes up two parking places, and holds a small baby who is hooked up to medical equipment. Nearby is a treatment station, a computer, and a lounge chair for adults.

The beds are separated by flowered curtains that were hung on the metal pipes that line the parking garage's ceiling. No one closes the curtains. There are also hanging screens that are attached to monitors that fill the space with dim beeping.

In the center of the improvised unit are a dialysis cart and another cart that holds equipment for chest drainage. Sometimes, a baby's cry can be heard. It is weak, and starts and stops quickly.

Over bed No. 26 a sign reads: "Abdullah Al-Manar. Date of birth: Feb. 26, 2021. Weight: 1.6 kg (3.52 pounds)." Lamasits on the chair and watches Shani, the nurse, take off Abdullah's cloth diaper, exposing a large incision that runs from his chest to his belly. Shani changes the dressing, rubs cream on it, puts his medicine into the IV bag attached to his small arm, and covers him gently.

In the next bed lies three-month-old Rana, who is recovering from her third open heart surgery, which she underwent two days earlier. On the left is Yazen, a month old, who had a catheterization.

Dr. Evyatar Hubara, 43, a senior doctor on the unit, moves from bed to bed. He slept three hours the night before due to the number of cases.

"The three children from Gaza suffer from complicated heart defects," Hubara explains. "They came to us in serious condition, among other reasons because it took time from when the problem was diagnosed in Gaza until their transfer to us could be coordinated, all the permits received, and that's without changing ambulances at Erez and the bumpy journey. Right now, all three are in an acute stage. We still haven't gotten to the rehabilitation state, which will begin here and continue in Gaza," he says.

Hubara stops by Abdullah's bed and looks at him warmly. "Abdullah was born prematurely and was incorrectly diagnosed in Gaza. The doctors … performed the wrong operation on him when he was two months old. A week after the operation, he began to decline, and a week after that he reached us. In the first few hours we needed to stabilize him and keep his blood pressure steady with medication.

"We started to look into the problem. We did an MRI and other tests. Before every stage, we explained to his mother what we were going to do. She trusted us from the beginning. After we stabilized him, we found that the true defect he was suffering from was an aortic valve stenosis. It turned out that in Gaza they had tried to close the ductus, but closed one of the main arteries by mistake.

"In the insane Israeli reality, we had to protect ourselves against rockets from Gaza along with the babies who come from here," he says.

"I remember one siren that caught me on the unit, before we moved to the parking structure. All the mothers, Jewish and Arab, just grabbed their babies – the ones that weren't hooked up to machines – and ran to a safe space. I shouted, 'We have time, 90 seconds, go slowly so you won't fall with the kids.' Everyone gathered around in the safe space. Staff members and patients, Jews and Arabs together. The shocking sight of the mothers who ran there with their babies doesn't leave me," Hubara recalls. Not all the mothers were able to take their babies to a safe space. Abdullah, Rana, and Yazen, as well as another 12 Israeli babies, are on respiratory equipment, and they were unprotected during the first rocket alerts. This is why the hospital administration decided to move the entire department from the sixth floor to the underground parking garage. Here, the sirens can't even be heard.

We go with Lama, Raida, and Samira into the staff room, located at the exit. The room has a big refrigerator full of popsicles donated to the children and the staff who care for them. Every few minutes, a parent or a staff member comes in and takes one.

About a year ago, when the COVID pandemic was still raging in Israel, a COVID unit opened in this same parking structure to ease the mass of patients that was overwhelming the hospitals. That event seems like ancient history, and the only thing that remains of it are the letters of thanks stuck to the door. It seems as if this is the last place in the country where people are careful to wear masks, and wear them properly.

The three Gaza women are embarrassed. They aren't used to being interviewed. All three are wearing abayas, long dresses that include head coverings, as well as hijabs and surgical masks. Since they arrived in Israel, they have been sleeping here, on the unit, in the recliner chairs next to their children's beds. They are also given meals. Once every few days, they allow themselves to go upstairs and shower. None of them speaks any language other than Arabic, with the exception of a few words of Hebrew or English. Moshe Ravid, 26, a nursing student from Jaffa and a volunteer with the Shevet Achim organization, translates.

Raida (Umm Ahmad), 48, is from Khan Younis. She is Rana's grandmother, a housewife and mother of six.

"My daughter-in-law, Rana's mother, came to Israel with her in February, two weeks after she was born," she says. "After two weeks, she was tired and not feeling well. Because she has a four-year-old at home, she called me and asked me to switch with her. She went back to Gaza, and since then, I've been here. Three months already. This is my first time in Israel."

Q: Were you afraid?

"No, why should I be afraid? My husband worked in Bat Yam for 20 years. Every day, he went from Gaza to Bat Yam, until the disengagement in 2005. After that, he found work in Gaza. He told me that there are good people in Israel, that everyone here is all right."

Abdullah's mother Lama, 36, is wearing a brown abaya accessorized with a shining silver star. Her smartphone has a pink cover. She works in a laboratory, and her husband is a producer for Palestinian television in Gaza. She has two other sons, 11 and six, at home, as well as a three-and-a-half-year-old daughter.

"My mother had cancer. She went to Israel to be treated, and recovered," Lama says. "She told me that everything is good here. When Abdullah's condition got worse, the doctor recommended that we come to Israel. My husband reached out to Shevet Achim. Now he and my mother are watching the three other kids at home."

Q: What do you tell your families about what is happening here?

Lama: "They're afraid for us, and we're afraid for them. When they call to hear how we are, I answer, 'Al Hamdullah,' so they won't be scared and worry, and when I call to ask how they are, they say the same thing. We talk about the boy, how he ate, how much he ate, how much he slept. "I tell them that the doctors here are good, that they treat us well, answer all our questions. I tell them that the food is excellent, that the women have nice clothes, about their hairstyles. I like the fashion in Israel, and the grilled chicken breast and salad they serve at the hospital."

Raida: "The medical staff thinks only about the children – whether their condition has improved, what they ate, how they slept. We sit next to their beds, don't know how they'll be from one moment to the next, whether they'll get better at all."

Q: Do they send you pictures of the strikes on Gaza?

"They send me pictures of the special Ramadan sweets," Raida answers, with a smile.

Samira, 62, is the grandmother of Yazen, who is only a month old. "I have nine grown children, and my son has four children other than Yazen. Their mother needs to take care of them, so they asked me to accompany the child. At home, when we talk about Israel, we only talk about the medical treatment we want to get here."

Moshe, the translator, tells them in Arabic not to be frightened, that they can speak freely. They all answer at once: "We aren't afraid, we're speaking honestly. Everyone wants peace. We want it to be all right."

Samira: "Inshallah, things will calm down. We aren't dealing with politics."

Q: What did you do when people in Gaza fired rockets toward this area?

Raida: "What everyone else did. The nurses took us to a safe place. The babies stayed on the unit, hooked up to respirators. I was worried about them, that they were alone, but everyone calmed us down, said that it would all be fine."

Lama: "We tried to talk to the other people in the safe area, without understanding one another. Everyone wants to know how the other's child is doing. He's sorry about my son, and I'm sorry about his."

Q: Did your families leave their homes because of the airstrikes?

Raida: "No. Everyone is in his own home."

Q: Are any of your family members involved in the fighting?

All three shake their heads, no. "Not everyone in Gaza enlists in the army," Raida says. "My husband worked in Israel. Half of Gaza used to work in Israel. You must have seen the workers who would come from Gaza."

Samira: "My father and my husband used to work in Israel."

Q: When are you going home?

Raida's eyes fill with tears. "Rana's chest is still open from the last surgery. I'm sitting with you and laughing, but my heart is crying. So I'm telling you that my every thought is for the baby. That's our situation."

Lama: "Today, Dr. Evytar said that Abdullah has an infection in his right lung, which was good. Until now he had one in his left lung. I hope it works out. I'll go back to Gaza when he gets better, but I don't know when."

Hospital Director Dr. Itai Pessach says that every year, the center treats about 500 children from Gaza and another 2,700 children from the Palestinian Authority. "They range in age from a week to 18. Some of the children arrive through the Shevet Achim organization, and others through our own coordinator."

"During the last military operation, our doctor colleagues in Gaza reached out to us about children in serious condition, and we fought to bring them to Israel during the operation. Unfortunately, we didn't succeed, and that's very sad. I'm happy we're getting back to normal," Pessach says.

According to Pessach, "we don't see any difference between a child who comes from Gaza, Nablus, or Tiberias. Our treatment looks at all the child's needs, including emotional needs and school work at the school that operates on the hospital grounds. A year ago, a nine-year-old boy with cancer arrived from Gaza who didn't know how to read and write. He returned to Gaza last month, after a year-long hospitalization, healthy and knowing how to read and write in Hebrew, Arabic, and even English."

Q: How did the patients respond to this during the Gaza fighting?

"A family from Gaza arrived two days before the operation started, and we diagnosed their son with a rare disease, one that only seven children in Israel have. By chance, two rooms away there was a Haredi family with a child who had been diagnosed with the same disease two months ago. While the rockets were falling, the Haredi mother insisted on meeting the mother from Gaza and teaching her everything she knew about the disease and how to treat it."

"There is a truly shared fate here. They feel that they're fighting against something bigger than rockets. To get better, a patient needs to feel secure, and that's what we're doing. A hospital is a home for all the patients.

"I'm happy to say that the external tensions didn't creep into the work. There was no tension between the staff and the patients. The good of the patient always comes before everything else. Even at administration meetings – everyone put aside their own political views and we managed to provide a quality medical response and protect the safety of the staff and patients," Pessach says.

The funding for the Gaza children's treatment comes mainly from donors – mostly American Christians, and some Israelis.

"Saving the life of the child is an entire world," says Jonathan Miles, founder of Shevet Achim. Miles arrive in Israel from the US in the 1990s, as a journalist, and started to volunteer with the group Christian Friends of Israel.

"We welcomed Russian immigrants to Israel. We wanted them to understand that the Jewish people have friends in the world. One day a mother from Ukraine whose child's life was in danger came to me. She had no money for medical treatment, and she begged me to help. I started raising money to help him. Wizo helped a lot, as did other people, both Jews and Christians.

"After that, I heard about sick babies in Gaza, and in 1994 I founded the organization. We bring children from Muslim states to Israel for treatment."

Amar Shami, 32, who coordinates the transfer of children from Gaza to Israel for Shevet Achim, lives in Jerusalem.

"The families who go back to Gaza tell each other about the treatment in Israel," he says. "One mother tells another. When the child has a problem, they reach out to me. Sometimes the doctors reach out directly." Q: What goes through your mind while you're busy providing treatment and rockets are flying outside?

"Inside the hospital, we detach. We only want to help them. When you go out you realize that reality is different. We hope that when the families from Gaza go home, they will sort of be our emissaries, say good things about Israel."

The night that the ceasefire between Israel and Hamas took effect, Rana's heart stopped beating, despite the doctors' best efforts. Her grandmother, Raida, left the hospital weeping. She was driven to a Shevet Achim apartment in Jaffa. When Erez crossing opened, she returned to Gaza with Rana's coffin.

#Israel #Gaza #Israeli Hospitals

24 notes · View notes

hotchley · 3 years

Text

aaron

summary: “some of us grow up to catch them.”

ssa hotchner. former prosecutor. unit chief of the behavioural analysis unit. best shot in the whole of the quantico building. dad to jack and his entire team.

aaron hotchner. just a boy, trying to make it through the day.

(alternatively known as the backstory, the moments between, and the hotch episode we never got)

read chapter one here!

chapter two: the moments in between

trigger warnings for this chapter : minor character deaths, death of a parent, implied/referenced child abuse, court cases involving a not guilty verdict to a charge of abuse, arson, references to cancer, references to the death of a child, vomit/sickness, references to self-harm and suicide, stabbing, canon-typical violence, blood, implied/reference drug addiction, references to domestic violence (this is between hotch's parents)

Aaron Hotchner was a lawyer full of contradictions.

He had graduated at the top of his class, but he never once referenced his own father’s abilities when he started practicing. And instead of becoming a defence lawyer- a role that would have led to him holding a position of power within weeks- he became a criminal prosecutor.

He claimed it was what called to him.

In reality, it was because he refused to let anything else be tainted by the memory of his father. He remembered the nights where his father would come home and talk about the horrible things his clients had done. He remembered how he had laughed and said he would be able to make all of those things go away with a few words. He remembered how his stomach had tightened at the injustice of it all.

But he wasn’t a scared little boy anymore. He was an adult. He was as close to happy as he could be when he spent his days looking at photos of people who had lives, and hopes, and dreams that were cut short. When an ordinary day at work meant putting some bad people behind bars whilst he was forced to let others go free.

When he was in court, he was amazing. He was cold and emotionless. People genuinely believed he had no emotions, that there was nothing that could faze him. Killers and abusers would hurl insults at him, defence lawyers would pull random laws from nowhere and he would take it. He would think on his feet and come up with something. But then there were sudden moments where he would look so vulnerable. Like when he spoke to a child, a young woman, the family that thought they hadn’t done anything to save their loved one.

The only time he would smile was when the blonde woman in his life would appear. Sometimes it was with lunch, dressed semi-casually, hair slightly messy and pen on her face from whatever it was she was doing. Other times it would be in a pretty dress. Those would be the days where he would look mildly terrified for a moment, before grinning and leading her out the office. On the bad days where they would be forced to come in on a weekend, she would come in with her own work and keep him company.

Haley had gone into teaching. High school history, although she always helped with the various productions held. She was a natural with the kids, always doing her best to be understanding and helpful, instead of confrontational and harsh. Despite this, there were still nights where she would come home, not saying anything. Those nights, Aaron would wrap his arms around her and let her cry about the injustice of the system.

Those were the nights he remembered just how lucky he was that she had taken a chance on him, unlike everyone else, who had left him to suffer. He didn’t want to think about where he would’ve been without her. Or if he would’ve even been anywhere on this earth.

So their lives weren’t perfect, and he woke up screaming some nights, but they were good. They both had stable jobs in the same area, which meant they could eat dinner together and fall asleep in each other’s arms every night. Haley liked linking their hands together so she could look at their wedding rings.

The wedding had been small, more for her parents than anyone else. He still didn’t believe he was worth loving. She had always dreamt of a wedding, but with Aaron none of that seemed to matter. What mattered was him being around. Her parents however, weren’t having any of it and even offered to pay for the wedding if that was the problem.

Haley had very kindly told them to keep their money. If her and Aaron were to get married, they would do it the way they wanted to, with their savings and their budget.

In the end, the wedding had been a compromise. Haley’s entire family, all of her high school friends and sorority sisters were invited, and everyone but Meredith attended. Aaron’s mother and brother came, as well as some of his friends from law school, but the list of people he actually wanted there was even shorter than Haley’s. She refused a seating plan for that exact reason.

After they cut the cake, they managed to sneak away for a few minutes. The wedding had been outdoors. They could see the stars. And when Aaron looked at her, he fell in love all over again. He could hear the music faintly, and so he had offered his hand and they had danced, feeling like they were seventeen all over again. That night, there had been no darkness inside him. Only joy.

And as one of his favourite authors, Joseph Campbell, had written: find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.

But when you saw the things he did, it was difficult to find a place where joy could survive. And even when it was there, it was temporary. Because no matter what he, and everyone else in the district attorney’s office did, the evil never stopped. There was always somebody else getting hurt. Another victim not being believed. A lawyer quitting because they couldn’t keep looking at the worst of humanity and surviving.

Aaron’s own last case haunted him years after he joined the FBI.

He had been on edge for a while. Christmas had come and gone. With it, the never-ending questions from various colleagues and family members about when he was next coming home. When was Haley going to have a baby? Were they even trying for a child? Was Aaron having some difficulties? Or worst of all, when was he going to let go of his grand delusions and silly ideas and settle down as a defence lawyer?

Returning to his real home- the apartment him and Haley resided in, that had come to life with their little knick-knacks- had been a relief. She wasn’t fond of going home and seeing everyone that had failed Aaron, but she loved her family and friends. Aaron could never get away fast enough. She respected that. It was why they worked.

The new year came, and with it, new cases.

Aaron wasn’t trying to bring a killer to justice with only the evidence from the crime scenes and the testimony of families. He was trying to save an innocent child and make sure the only monsters in their life were the ones imaginary ones under the bed, instead of the father they said was abusing him and his mother.

It was like looking in a mirror. An innocent child finally snapping and telling the police the truth about their home life. But where Aaron had been mocked and told to stop being a liar, the police had listened. Gathered the evidence. They had done their job. Now it was time for Aaron to do his.

He poured over the files for hours. He found every piece of evidence he could. He would not fail this child. Not the same way he had been. He would find the truth behind every hospital visit, between every tear they had ever shed and he would make sure that the old bastard’s wife and son never had to be scared for their lives ever again.

Aaron was going to do what nobody ever did for him.

It was a week before the trial. New evidence had been located. It was all important, obviously, but there was something they were missing. Something Aaron knew would make all the difference to their case. He just needed to find out.

His phone lit up. Sean was calling him. He rolled his eyes. He couldn’t be dealing with his younger brother’s complaints in that moment. And he certainly couldn’t be lending him any more money. Him and Haley were saving for a mortgage. Then they would have a real home. Somewhere to call their own.

Somewhere to eventually raise their own children.

Sean tried to call him two more times. And Aaron declined two more times. It was a bit strange that he was phoning so consecutively, but it was probably nothing. No, not probably, definitely. It always was.

He turned back to the files, making sure his phone was on silent. When the clock ticked to six, he hurriedly locked majority of the files away in his cabinet and put the ones that had just come through into his briefcase. Haley had planned a nice evening for the two of them. But if- when- he woke up in the early hours of the morning, at least he could do something productive.

There were two more missed calls from Sean. Aaron made a mental note to phone him when he got home.

“Give me fifteen minutes to shower and then I’m yours, I promise,” he said as he entered their living room, shoes already neatly put away on the porch.

There were two packed bags on the couch. Haley was sat, wearing a black dress, hands in her lap, landline next to her. Her head was bent, but her body was shaking as tears slipped down her cheek, dampening the fabric.

Aaron felt bile rising in the back of his throat as he knelt in front of her. “Baby,” he whispered.

She shook her head.

“Baby, what happened? Just tell me, it’s okay.”

“Your mom’s gone,” she said.

“What?” Aaron whispered.

“I’m so sorry Aaron. I am so- that wasn’t the way I wanted to tell you. It’s just- Sean said she was admitted to the hospital earlier, and she passed away about an hour ago. They phoned here because you didn’t answer your cell phone. I tried to explain everything, really, but they wouldn’t let me speak and-”

“She’s really gone,” Aaron said.

Haley embraced him, awkwardly wrapping her arms around his neck as he sobbed, the knowledge still not sinking in, but the emptiness in his heart was threatening to overwhelm him entirely. They sat like that for what may have been hours or minutes as his body shook. Only when his tears turned to hiccups did Haley pull away, gently wiping away his tears with the sleeve of her dress.

“You should shower. There’s nothing else you can do now,” she said.

Aaron shook his head. Haley stood and led him to the bathtub.

“All you need to do is keep your head up for me, okay?”

The shower had no effect on him. Haley helped him dress. He felt like a small child, needing someone’s assistance to button his shirt up. But he couldn’t make his body cooperate with him. He couldn’t do anything, still in shock that she was gone.

Haley put the bags in the boot. Aaron got in the passenger side. He spent the journey staring out the window. When the buildings became more familiar, he closed his eyes, not opening them until they reached Haley’s old home. He turned to her in confusion.

“Sean is staying with a friend tonight. Going back to that house is not something you need to do today. My parents already said we could stay with them.”

Of course they did. Because everyone must’ve already known that his mother died. His mother had died and he hadn’t been there because he’d ignored his brother’s phone calls. What kind of person did that make him?

Haley no longer had the key. She rang the doorbell, one arm still wrapped around him as they awkwardly stood outside. Hotch remembered the first time he had gone to her house for dinner. It had been after his father passed away. He’d spent the entire meal feeling uncomfortable. Like the Brooks’ weren’t going to approve of him.

Her mother had hugged him, cradling the back of his head, whispering her condolences, both for what had been lost and for what the town had failed to do. Roy Brooks had shaken his hand, saying that anyone would be proud to call him their son. Jessica had dragged him to one side and said they’d all known about Haley sneaking him in during the night, but nobody knew what to say.

When he got home, he crawled into bed and sobbed. For the first time, somebody loved him unconditionally.

It was her mother that answered the door. When she saw who it was, she ushered them in. Aaron remembered at the last moment that he was supposed to take his shoes off. Haley led him to the living room.

Roy embraced him. “You’re freezing,” he whispered. “Darling, put some tea on. Aaron, how are you feeling?”

He shook his head. He did not deserve kindness. Not in this moment.

“That’s okay. You don’t have to talk. Just drink some tea and then got some sleep. Haley’s old bedroom has been set up for the two of you. And we’ll both be here if you need anything. The next few days are going to be draining for both of you, so please, don’t hesitate in asking for any kind of support.”

“Thank you Papa,” Haley said, rubbing her husband’s back.

Aaron tried to smile, but it was forced and uncomfortable.

Roy was the one who drove him to the funeral home. Haley had offered, but she had already driven them from their apartment, which had tired her out because she hated driving, so Aaron had declined, having every intention to bear the burden alone. But as he was slipping his shoes on, Roy had emerged, saying nobody should have go alone.

Sean was waiting outside for the two of them, eyes red, biting his nails. When Aaron looked at him, he couldn’t even imagine him as the eighteen-year-old about to go to college that he was. When Aaron looked at his little brother, he just saw the little boy who didn’t understand that their dad wasn’t coming home. Only this time, there were no comforting lies to give him. He understood everything. Including Aaron’s failure.

“How could you?” Sean whispered the moment he saw his brother.

Aaron looked down.

“She was in the hospital, constantly asking where you were. She didn’t care that I was there. She just wanted to know where her precious baby was, and I had to keep lying and say that you were coming when in reality, I had no fucking clue where you were. It was not supposed to be me holding her hand. It was supposed to be you. But you weren’t there, and so you have no right to turn up, now looking all sad and pathetic.”

Michael Hotchner had not been right about much. But he had been right about one thing. Aaron Hotchner was his mirror. Sean Hotchner was his son.

“Sean Hotchner. That is enough. You do not get to disrespect your brother or your mother like that. Go inside, and do not create another scene,” Roy snapped.

When Sean departed, he turned to Aaron, who was shaking.

“Son?”

“He’s right,” Aaron whispered. “I should have been there. He- Sean phoned me and I didn’t answer because I thought it was stupid and I had this case and- I failed her.”

“Look at me. It’s not your fault. It was her time to go, and you cannot spend the rest of your life blaming yourself. Sean is angry and grieving, and he doesn’t mean a single word of what he said. You’re a good man, doing a good job and you make my daughter happy. Don’t ever forget that. Okay?”

Aaron nodded, not truly believing him. He followed Sean into the funeral home, where they spent the next few hours in a tense, uncomfortable silence. Aaron wanted to comfort his brother, but he didn’t know how. Not when Sean stood as far away from him as possible.

The funeral was a day later. Once again, Haley held his hand until the priest called him up to say a few words. Aaron managed to make it through his eulogy with minimal tears, but the moment he was back beside his wife, he turned away from the grave, letting the tears fall.

The people were silently judging him for what he had failed to do. Roy glared at everyone that dared tried to voice these opinions. They were wrong. Aaron hadn’t failed anyone. He’d gotten there the moment he was supposed to, and if those people were even half as religious as they liked to claim they were, they would know that.

“You take as long as you need,” Haley whispered, when everyone else, even Sean had departed.

Aaron nodded, holding the flowers he’d grabbed from the car to his chest like a baby. He watched as Haley left, going to sit in the car to give him the space he needed. He’d told them all to drive home, that the walk would do him some good. He watched on unsteady legs as the car faded from view.

And then he fell to his knees, sobbing, one hand pressed to his mouth to stop too much noise from escaping, the other blindly feeling around for the flowers left by Sean. Their mother had hated roses- somehow, she always managed to prick her finger on the thorns. The only reason they had ever been in the house was because on the days where people would come round, his father would turn up with a bouquet of them, and she would dutifully smile and accept them.

Aaron moved the roses so they were hidden by all the other flowers they had left. And then he put his own small bouquet of carnations right where the headstone would go.

“Mama, I am so sorry,” he whispered.

And then he walked away, unable to stand the sight of the grave anymore.

The defence ripped him and his witnesses to shreds.

The verdict was not guilty.

The child was sent home.

“You promised me,” they sobbed as their father stood with an easy smirk on his face.

He was sick the moment he got home. Haley didn’t say a word. She just showed him an advert for the FBI that had been posted through the letterbox. When he stared at her, she smiled. Said that she had married Aaron Hotchner the man, not Mr Hotchner the prosecutor.

Two weeks later, he was enrolling in the FBI Academy.

Six months later and he was Agent Hotchner. He liked that. It was his own, and nobody would ever associate the title with his father. He could be his own person.

Then David Rossi gave him the nickname of Hotch and he couldn’t be happier. It would’ve made his mother smile. And his father turn in his grave at the utter shame of his good name being reduced down to something so mundane.

But being a profiler was tough. Every case meant dealing with the very worst of humanity. And even among the worst, there was a hierarchy. Some cases were just more disgusting, more scary and more scarring than others. A few cases reminded him that profilers were all just a step away from becoming unsubs themselves. That the line could and would blur before any of them even realised.

Vincent Perrotta left him vulnerable. Physically and emotionally. Jason had told him to loosen his tie and undo his top button, but Aaron needed the reassuring pressure of both things at his neck in order to maintain some kind of illusion of control in spite of the damage done by the wire.

He didn’t open up to unsubs. One of the most important parts of conducting an interrogation was to make them think you understood them without giving away anything about yourself. And most of the time, he was good at doing that. He pretended to understand the hatred of children, pretended to agree with them when they claimed that all women were just manipulative bitches and he pretended to find it amusing when they thought that the person doing the act was right.

The key word was pretend.

He wasn’t pretending when he looked Perrotta in the eye and told him the one thing that only Haley and Dave were aware of. Had it been any other time, it would’ve been funny. His own team didn’t know what his father had done to him, but this serial killer did, and it was all because he’d slipped up and said us instead of them.

Hotch had never been so thankful there was a bathroom on the same floor as his office that nobody ever used. The moment Perrotta turned away, the realisation that his crimes had never been inevitable causing more distress than the murder of the woman had, Hotch had bolted.

He hadn’t eaten since the incident in the night. It hurt to swallow. Which meant despite the minutes he spent retching over the toilet seat, hands trembling because how many times had he looked in the mirror and seen the exact same look that he’d witnessed on Perrotta, nothing came out.

Morgan was stood by the door.

“I know we have a no profiling rule.”

“Then follow it.”

“Reid’s doing your paperwork. He’s surprisingly good at forging your handwriting and I’m not sure I want to know why. That means all you need to do is sign it. Go home.”

“You’re not my superior Morgan,” Hotch snapped.

Morgan didn’t even blink. “I know. But you won’t write me up for insubordination. There’s no reason for you to be here, but there is every reason for you to be at home.”

Their relationship was a strange one. They trusted each other as agents- it was the only way they were able to go out in the field- but not as individuals. But then every once in a while, Derek would do something like this and Hotch would wonder if it was his way of saying that he did indeed care.

He was right though. There was every reason for him to be at home.

The living room light was off, so he immediately headed upstairs. Jack was asleep in his crib. Hotch felt uneasy in the nursery. Both he and Haley knew this was their forever home, which was why they had a nursery- it could be Jack’s bedroom until he moved out- but after Karl Arnold, he wasn’t sure how he felt about not being able to see him in the night.

“He won’t wake up if you hold him,” Haley said from the doorway.

“You should be asleep,” he replied, feeling guilty that he must have woken her.

“No, I shouldn’t. What happened?”

“How do you know something happened?”

She shrugged. “I know you.”

He sighed. “I don’t want to burden you. You already put up with enough from me.”

She crept closer, wrapping her arms around his waist, and he was transported back to the bathroom, only now the scars on his back had healed but not faded and more, both visible and hidden, covered his body because profiling always damaged people.

“You’re not burdening me. I’m asking.”

“Serial killer. His dad abused him and his mom. I accidentally told him that some of us grow up to catch them. But Hales, the look on his face. It was like he finally realised that everything he did had been because of him, not because of his father and I just, I sympathised. What kind of person does that make me?”

“A good one.”

“I saw myself in him. The person I might have become if you hadn’t saved me,” he confessed, still watching his son.

Haley’s grip loosened. He realised what he had said.

“Aaron that wasn’t me. You saved yourself. You got out and you decided you were going to break the cycle. That was you. I just helped you along the way. Hey, look at me.”

He turned, tears in his eyes. Haley smiled, still as bright and good as the day they met. She took his hands and lifted them to her lips, placing a soft kiss to them before leaning past him and lifting Jack up. The baby stirred slightly, but did not wake, even when Haley handed him to Aaron.

“You won’t hurt him. Or me. You will never be like the people that you hunt down. I will die before that ever happens,” she said. There was such raw passion in her voice that the tears finally fell.

Haley would die before he hurt someone. And he had made a vow to her father the day they married that he would keep her safe, and a second the day he joined the FBI that if Haley were to die, it would not be because of his job.

“Thank you,” he whispered, putting Jack down so he could press a kiss to her forehead.

“I love you,” she said, like it was the easiest thing in the world for her to do. Because to her it was. She just wished he could understand that.

He didn’t know how to say the words. Not in the way that she needed. So instead he smiled, took one last look at his baby and walked away. He pretended to be fine because Haley shouldn’t have to worry about her. In reality, the moment she fell asleep, he went and checked the locks. Again.

The darkness shouldn’t have been able to creep in, but it did. It always did.

“I hope Morgan wasn’t too rough with you,” Gideon said, taking the seat opposite him.

Hotch looked at him. Gideon gave him that smile that never seemed to be aimed at him anymore. He sighed, fiddling with the pen he’d placed on the paperwork he hadn’t touched since boarding the jet. Talking to Abby’s son had been more painful than he’d expected, but somebody needed to do it. It was the least they could do for him.

“I’ve handled worse,” he replied.

Gideon hmmed at that. “That doesn’t mean you have to. I made you some tea. Herbal. Apparently it’s calming. You should drink it.”

Hotch stared at the mug like it was going to poison him. Then he carried on staring out the window. It was dark, and there wasn’t really much to see, but he couldn’t keep looking at the sympathy on Jason’s face. It made him feel sick. He wasn’t the one that had lost a father that day. He had just gotten too close, again, despite constantly telling everyone that wasn’t something they could do.

It was impossible to get the image of him burning to death out of his mind. Whilst he wanted to believe Abby’s death had been swift and painless, much like his own father’s heart attack, he knew that was impossible. He’d seen enough burn victims to know it took time for that happen. He wondered if, in those final moments, Abby regretted his decision.

“Hotch there was nothing we could have done to save him,” Gideon said gently. He wished Dave was still there. He would know what to say, what to do. Gideon had never had that relationship with Aaron. He liked to think he had that relationship with Spencer, but Aaron was different. He didn’t understand him.

“I should have stopped him. He should have had more time. If only so he could look at his son and tell him what was going on.”

Gideon tilted his head to the side. “Spencer mentioned that you had gone to see the family. Why didn’t you send JJ? She is our media liaison, that’s her job description, not yours.”

“JJ wouldn’t have understood. I had to go. It had to be me.” Hotch didn’t really know why he was telling Gideon any of this.

“It was your penance, wasn’t it? You think it’s your fault that he died, so you decided to make the fallout your responsibility. Hotch, you’re the Unit Chief now. The team look to you. You can’t tell them to do one thing and then do the exact opposite.”

He closed his eyes. He didn’t want to be SSA Hotchner, or even Hotch. He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to be Aaron, because even though Haley and Dave- the only people that used his first name- had always treated it like something precious, the ghost of his father made him think the only way it could be said was with disdain.

Even with his eyes closed, he knew Jason was watching him. He opened his eyes and turned slightly, watching the other members of the team. JJ and Emily were laughing at something that Morgan was saying. Reid was smiling. Hotch felt relieved. It had been far too long since Reid had smiled, and he knew he was the one to blame.

Jason followed his gaze. “They’ve all come so far, haven’t they? One day, they won’t even need us.”

That startled Hotch. His eyes met Gideon’s and he realised his mistake immediately.

“I see. It wasn’t just Abby you saw yourself in. It was his son. That’s why you went. You were compensating.”

“Please don’t profile me,” he whispered, knowing it was useless.

“I’m not. Now I know I’m no David Rossi or Haley Brooks, but I am here. However much you may not agree, I am.”

It was useless to say that he didn’t think that. Because he did, and it was written in the hesitance of his decisions. Of his constant watching. Of the pile of paperwork in his office that was meant to be Jason’s.

“I wanted- needed- to know who it was that my father had been having an affair because everyone, including my own mother, had known. But then he was diagnosed with cancer and all of that became irrelevant. I never got my answers, and it still hurts, even now.”

Nobody, not even Haley, knew about that. She obviously had her suspicions, and she knew about his lack of closure, but he had never properly told her.

Jason wasn’t saying anything. Hotch looked at him and saw that the other man was looking past him, not at him. He followed his gaze, and realised he was looking at Spencer. He swallowed the lump in his throat and smiled as Derek ruffled his hair.

He turned back, and saw that Jason was watching Spencer with the soft smile he had never managed to evoke. He blinked back tears. He missed Dave. He wanted Dave because Dave would know what to say to stop him feeling like such crap. Jason didn’t. Because Jason loved Spencer more than he loved Aaron, and Aaron couldn’t even fathom resenting either of them for that because it wasn’t either of their faults.

It was just a fact of life. But that didn’t mean it still didn’t sting when instead of replying, Gideon stood and went over to the other members of the team, intently listening to whatever it was Spencer was saying.

Haley would tell him to phone Dave. But he couldn’t disrupt his book tour like that. Instead, he kept staring out the window, trying to forget how beautiful the flames had looked against the darkness of the night or how deep down, he almost wished it had been him in there.

It was too close to the line between profiler and unsub.

He bottled up his emotions and hoped that Jason would stay. If not for him, then for Spencer. Because he couldn’t be that person. He was barely that person for Jack.

Jason did not stay. Neither did Haley. They both reached their breaking points and then Hotch pushed them too far.

Deep down, he knew the moment where they both decided they couldn’t take it anymore, the moment where they finally admitted to themselves that they deserved better and they took the steps to get there.

He just never expected they would happen on the same day. He supposed he’d bought that upon himself though. It was him that had said Jason was okay to return to work, for the purely selfish reason that he couldn’t do it alone even though he knew Gideon needed more time. It was him that had left on the case because Morgan had asked him to, even though Haley had asked him not to.

What kind of marriage was that? He didn’t know who had phoned. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know but there was no guarantee that Haley was having an affair. To suggest that she was would be cruel. It would only be because he didn’t want to have to take accountability for his part in the breakdown of their marriage.

It did take two to tango.

But where Jason took a piece of Spencer’s heart, Haley took the reason Hotch had never been able to stop hunting down monsters.

Morgan told him they would survive without Gideon. Hotch knew they would, but he wasn’t sure he could. Gideon’s departure, as much as he didn’t want to seem narcissistic, would reflect on him. He hadn’t saved him. He hadn’t been able to save his marriage- because Haley had done all she had and it had been his turn- and now the unsub’s last words were haunting his memory.

He had always taken pride in the fact that he was a difficult man to profile. A face schooled into a cautious look of neutrality, suits that hid the fact that he never seemed to have an appetite anymore. The only thing that ever gave away his nerves was the small hand thing he had never been able to stop doing.

For his own profession to be used against him in such a way, so soon after he had failed to save so many people- the six agents in Boston, Elle, Jason, Haley- was disarming. He wasn’t sure what he was meant to do. Normally, he would’ve gone to the home where Haley would have left a light on for him. He would’ve watched his son sleep and just stared at him in awe. He would’ve pressed a kiss to Haley’s forehead before climbing into their bed and seeking her warmth. Maybe, if it had been too late to go home, he would’ve taken Jason to the piano night down at the bar.

But Haley had taken her warmth and the thing that made their house a home with her. All the rooms would be dark when he got back. Jack’s room would be empty. Their bed would be cold.

He hadn’t slept alone since college. It hurt, to wake up in the morning and not see Haley’s hair, messy and knotted.

He just didn’t want to be alone, but who was he supposed to tell?

“Reid. I’ll drop you home. It’s been a long few days,” he said.

Everyone else had left. Reid looked up with wide eyes. He looked so painfully young, and Hotch felt a slight pain in his stomach. What was this job doing to him? Spencer deserved better than sleepless nights and painful memories that would never be forgotten. Hotch guessed that one day, Spencer would be added to the list of people he had failed to save.

In some ways, he already was.

“I can go myself,” Spencer mumbled.

“Reid. Let me do this. Please,” Hotch said.

Spencer nodded. “Okay.”

They left, the car far too silent for either of them to be comfortable. Hotch wanted to debate something intellectual, if only to soothe Spencer’s nerves, but the words classic narcissist still left a bitter taste in his mouth. And his mind had gone completely blank regarding anything else.

“We’ve driven past the turning. The route that you’re now going down would mean that getting to my apartment would take an hour extra.”

Hotch kept his eyes on the road, subtly checking that the car doors were locked. “You’re coming home with me. I don’t think you should go home alone.”

Reid turned to face him properly. “I don’t need you to treat me like a child. I get enough of that from everyone else. Gideon left me with a letter, just like my dad. He’s not going to come back and rationally, I have to accept that, because refusal to do so won’t change anything.”

“Maybe. But you should know better than anyone that we can’t control our brains.”

He realised the moment the words left his mouth that it wasn’t the right thing to say, and he immediately regretted them. What Reid thought he was trying to imply was definitely not what he was, but the words had come out wrong and now Reid was going to hate him too.

“I do. Know that. Don’t need you reminding me.”

He sounded just like Jack. Hotch swallowed. “I know. I’m sorry, that came out badly. What I meant was that you’re allowed to feel like you’re being irrational. Missing Gideon is a valid emotion, regardless of the way he left us. You. I meant you.”

They were stuck at a red light.

“Hotch, why haven’t you transferred?” Reid asked suddenly.

He shifted slightly. “My reason for doing it is no longer a thing.”

Reid frowned, and Hotch hit the gas.

“Oh,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. Is it our fault?”

Hotch shook his head. “Haley and I made our decisions. It was never anyone else’s problem, and it is most certainly not your fault.”

Reid wasn’t convinced.

“I don’t want to be alone right now,” he blurted out. “That’s why I’m taking you to the house. Because I can’t be alone and I need to feel like I’m doing something to help someone otherwise, what is the point in all of this?”

“This is about what the unsub said, isn’t it?”

They hadn’t had a conversation like this in so long. Not since before Hankel, his brain supplied.

“It’s true though, isn’t it? I failed to help Elle. I failed to help you, and Jason and Haley and god knows who else,” he said.

Spencer looked at him, chin tilted “You said: Haley and I made our decisions. It was never anyone else’s problem, and it is most certainly not your fault. How is this any different?”

Hotch sighed. “I had a responsibility to the other members of my team because I am meant to be their leader. You, on the other hand, are still just a kid, who has no connection whatsoever to my marriage.”

“I may be young, but I am in no way a child. And no, I didn’t have any connection to your marriage but I still don’t get your point. Elle and Gideon made their decisions of their own free will and there is nothing anyone could’ve done to stop them because when somebody is that determined to do something, they will always find a way.”

They’d pulled into the driveway. Hotch still hadn’t adjusted to the curtains still being open, for everyone to see and it took a moment to adjust to the darkness. The porch light hadn’t been on for a while, yet it was still a shock to the system. Haley’s light was just another thing he had taken for granted.

“When did you get so smart?” Hotch whispered. In some ways, he felt like he had watched as Spencer had grown from the new agent, doubting his worth and his abilities, to the slightly more confident that he had a family man that was now sat next to him. He hoped Spencer never lost his softness, or the things that made him the person he was, for there was nothing sadder.

“Hotch, I’ve always been smart. When Gideon returned after Boston, you introduced me as your expert on everything and then I told the man we were interviewing that I have an IQ of 187.”

“Never change Spencer.”

“I wouldn’t know how.”

There was a short silence.

“Would you stay the night?” Hotch asked.

“I thought that was what you wanted.”

“It is. But I want this to be your decision. If you’d rather be alone, then I will take you to your apartment and we’ll never speak about it again.”

They sat for a few minutes, and Hotch resisted the urge to tell Spencer to hurry up.

“I think I’ll stay the night,” he finally decided, voice small.

Hotch breathed a sigh of relief, not even caring that the house was still littered with small traces of Haley and the life they had spent together.

The two of them ate in relative silence, and then Hotch set them both up in the living room. He wanted- needed- to keep an eye on Spencer, but he told him that when Haley and him bought their first apartment and started living together, they would camp out in the living room because there was nobody to tell them not to.

He left out the part where it was also because Aaron had never really been allowed to sit wherever he wanted and do whatever he felt like.

There was some old documentary about the Russian Revolution in the background. Spencer had fallen asleep, his head in Hotch’s lap. Without even realising, Hotch had started stroking his hair, much like he used to do for Jack.

The light in the living room was on, and not once did Spencer wake. Hotch made them both breakfast- pancakes, because the look of joy when he said he probably had all the ingredients was not one he wanted to destroy- and Spencer gave him a genuine smile.

Neither of them spoke of it again, but Hotch felt a little lighter. A little bit more like the Aaron Haley had fallen in love with again. Maybe he couldn’t save everyone, but he saved Spencer, and even if it was only a little, and well after he should’ve, at least he had done it.

That would be enough to keep the darkness out, if only for a little bit.

Megan Kane died and Aaron- not Hotch, because Hotch would say that you can’t take cases personally, no matter how much you wanted to, held her hand. He held her hand as she said thank you for staying and not leaving. He didn’t have the words to tell her that he didn’t walk away for selfish reasons. Because he couldn’t have her considering him to be the same as the other men she’d killed.

Not after everything she’d done. The chip was safely tucked away in his pocket, just waiting to be passed on.

Even when her chest stopped rising, he refused to let go, only doing so when the police kicked the already open door to her room in, guns raised. When they stepped onto the balcony, he dropped her hand, watching as it fell limply. He didn’t know how long he had been sat there, but it was long enough for the body to go cold.

“Agent Hotchner. We need you to provide a statement. You were the only person present when she died,” the lead detective said.

Aaron stood, suddenly so angry at everything and everyone. “She took the pills and gave me the card. And then she asked me to stay so I did. Then she died. What more do you need than that?”

He didn’t want to tell them what she’d said. It was stupid, but it felt private.

He stormed out the room before they could respond and stepped into the elevator with a heavy heart.

Both Dave and Emily tried to make him feel better the whole way home. It was all to no avail. Their attempts to comfort him went over like a lead balloon. The only indication he’d even heard them was the slight clench of his jaw and his adamant stare out the window, his report on the table, only the first sentence written. When Dave tried to crack a joke, Hotch glared and he backed off.

Emily sat by him. Whilst her general presence usually never failed to make him feel a little better, it was just irritating him. He didn’t want to talk to any of them. He didn’t want them walking on eggshells. He wanted them to just leave him.

But then he felt bad. Because the one person he wanted had made it abundantly clear that she didn’t want anything to do with his job, and the rest were just trying to be there for him and that should’ve been enough for him.

When they got to the office, he did something he’d only done a few times before. He put the files on his desk and then he exited it. He needed to see his son. He needed to go to his real home- because now Haley was living in the house, it felt like a home again.

Haley had responded to his message about coming by with a simple: Ok. He still felt wrong profiling her, so he didn’t.

She had changed the locks. He didn’t have the key. And so he was stood there, awkwardly waiting for her to open the door whilst he rubbed circles with his thumb over the spot where his wedding ring had previously been. The tan line had all but faded. He felt pathetic for still reaching for it sometimes.

She opened the door. “There’s a birthday party that he’s been excited about for- you’re wearing a case suit.”

“I’m- what?”

She frowned. “Why are you wearing a case suit?”

“A case suit?”

“Yes. There are suits that you would only ever wear when you were on a case because they could be washed a lot more easily, and if you got blood on them, well you weren’t attached to them. How were you not aware of this?”

“I guess it was a subconscious thing. Look, we just landed but I-” he saw Jack peeking his head around the door.

On reflex, he crouched down. He remembered how he had felt when he was younger and his father would come storming in, towering over him, terrifying and threatening. He never wanted Jack to feel like that. And so he knelt down, burying his head in Jack’s neck for a moment before letting go.

“Hi buddy. How are you feeling?”

Jack stopped smiling. “I accidentally made mommy annoyed because I drew on the wall. But then she said that sometimes people feel bad emotions and that’s okay, you just need to be good about it. And then once we cleaned it up, she said that I’m not a bad kid, I just did a wrong thing.”

Hotch felt tears prick the back of his eyes. Haley was so good. Too good.

“She’s right. One act doesn’t determine who you are,” he said, voice cracking.

“Jack, mommy and daddy need to go and talk in the kitchen, so just stay in the living room, okay?”

Jack nodded.

Hotch followed Haley, noticing the last photo that was taken of the three of them before the divorce- although at the time nobody knew- was still stuck to the fridge.

“Tell me what happened,” she whispered.

Aaron turned away. “That’s not your job anymore.”

“Baby,” she said.

He closed his eyes. When was the last time somebody had called him that?

“I know what I said then. Trust me, there’s no way I could ever forget. But I was wrong. This is who you are. And I never should’ve asked you to change. I think the divorce was the best thing for both of us, because it was needed. But I still love you. And I know you won’t tell the team. So tell me.”

And he did. He told her everything. “The worst part is, she was right. I should be here every week, but Jack’s lucky if I’m here every fortnight. Haley, I always said I didn’t want to become a father because of how he hurt me. What kind of father am I if Jack is going to say the same thing?”

For a while Haley did not speak. They were just stood, a good six feet between them. And then she threw her arms around him. The force of her touch threw him off balance. When was the last time anyone had actually touched him? If he was struggling to remember, then it must’ve been far too long.

The smell of her shampoo felt like coming home and before he knew what was happening, he could taste the salt of his tears.

She stroked his hair and he relaxed into the touch, despite all the knots. He had always hated brushing his hair but loved when Haley would run her hands through it. She messed it up as he sobbed into her shoulder, and not for the first time, she wondered how many more times he could stare into the depths of depravity and come back whole.

Although, she thought to herself bitterly, he’d never been given the chance to be whole in the first place.

At some point, they’d started sitting on the kitchen floor. She was still playing with his hair.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “For everything.”

“You don’t need to be. And I will spend the rest of my life convincing you of that.”

Aaron looked at her with such love in his eyes that she could not resist the urge to press a soft kiss to his forehead before tugging him closer.

“Sleep here. I’ll take Jack to the party, and you can rest. Do that paperwork that’s in your office. And maybe tomorrow, we can all go for ice cream.”

His eyes widened. They were so soft and warm that Haley had never understood how he managed to glare at anyone. Apart from the people that had offered their sympathies at his father’s funeral, despite fully well knowing the truth.

“Really?”

“Yeah Aaron. Really. Now go upstairs and rest. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

She was, and it was like she had burst into his life in an explosion of light all over again.

Then George Foyet took that light and snuffed it out.

Haley once said she would die before Aaron hurt another person the way his father had hurt him. She said it because her death was so unlikely. It was an event that they knew would one day occur, but they never really thought about it. Though it was morbid, Aaron’s death was the one they had to prepare for. He was the one charging after dangerous criminals on a weekly basis. Haley was teaching.

Nothing bad was ever supposed to happen to her because he had promised, with everything he was, that he would keep her safe and that the horrors of his job would never touch her.

But he hadn’t been quick enough.

And now she was dead.

George Foyet had surrendered. He had surrendered willingly and without coercion, but Hotch hadn’t listened. He had carried on, even though his duty was to stop. To carry out a lawful arrest. But he hadn’t. He had carried on hitting a man that would not have been able to defend himself. Deep down he knew that was unfair to say. Foyet was taunting him by saying he was giving up.

Still, his knuckles ached. Morgan had pulled him off the body and he hadn’t been able to look. He couldn’t do it. So many things had already been destroyed by him. There was already so much blood on his hands, if he looked at Foyet he would never recover.

He was worse than his father. At least his father was a human. At least his father had never touched Sean. His father had never- to his knowledge- even attempted to beat his mother to death. But he had. He had beaten a man to death, and the worst part was, he would do it all again.

He would do it again because at least Jack was alive. Scared and confused, but alive. Hotch knew that if Jack had been the one to die, then he wouldn’t be here. He would’ve let Foyet kill him and vanish, as selfish as it was, because a life without his son was not one he wanted to live. After he found Haley, he knew he needed to consider the worst scenario: that Jack had not understood.

When Foyet told him that he would find Jack and show him his dead parents, something in him found the strength to survive. If Foyet was saying he would find Jack, then that would mean that he hadn’t already done so. Which meant Jack must’ve understood and was just waiting for his dad to come find him.

It was when Jack told him about how he had worked the case that the knowledge that Haley was dead hit him like a tonne of bricks. The first time he had found him, Jack had ran out and told his Mom what him and Daddy were doing together. Haley had smiled fondly before coming into the room, staring out the window instead of the desk.

Hotch had told her it was just a budget report. She looked down and did indeed see the budget sheet. But under that was the profile for a man who had recently lost his wife and was going after blonde mothers that resembled her.

There was blood all over his shirt and hands. Jack didn’t need to see that. The part of his brain not occupied with Haley knew that JJ was the best person for him to be with. She was good with children and had dealt with enough children of victims to know what to say and what to avoid.

Victims. Because that was what Haley had become. A victim of a serial killer and it was all his fault.

If he had just been quicker. If he had taken the deal. If he had transferred when Haley asked him to. They probably would have still ended up divorcing, but she would be alive. Jack would have a real parent. One that could look at him without turning away. Haley’s blood was on his hands, and every time he looked at Jack, he saw her. Because Jack had his mother’s light hair and kind eyes.

The day Aaron died- and god that couldn’t come fast enough- would be the day that the last piece of his father finally left the earth.

Haley’s hair was dark. That was the first thing he noticed when he saw her, lying on the ground. He’d heard people say that when someone died, you could kid yourself into thinking that they were just sleeping because they would look so peaceful.

Haley’s mouth was a thin line. She smiled when she was sleeping. Her clothes were not the ones she would have picked herself. Her eyes were still open. Aaron hated that she died alone and afraid. That should’ve been him. And her hair was dark. He cursed himself for being surprised. Of course it was dark. She’d gone into WitSec.

It just felt like a visual representation of everything he’d taken from her. Her light and innocence had been destroyed and it was all his fault. He hadn’t even told her Sam Kassmeyer was dead, which was such a stupid thing to fixate on, but anything to take away from the fact that she was gone.

When he pulled her limp, unmoving body towards him, needing to feel her against him one more time, she was still a little warm and he almost vomited right there. How close had they been that she wasn’t cold? He didn’t let go till Emily gently touched her shoulder, leading him away from the body.

The team were shielding him from the various people that had responded to the scene and if he had more energy, he would say thank you. But he was tired. And his hands hurt so much. They were still trembling.

Jack leant into his touch like it was nothing and Hotch marvelled at the fact that he seemed to adjust like it was nothing. He knew it was because he didn’t understand, but after everything that had been lost that day- two lives, a piece of Aaron, a place that was once home, the brightest light he’d ever met, Jack’s chance for a normal life- it felt like a win.

Before he knew it, the funeral was being held. He’d planned his eulogy, writing it whilst watching Jack because he couldn’t sleep without seeing the steady rise and fall of his son’s chest. There were a hundred different copies in the bin. How was he supposed to get up in front of everyone that looked to him and expected him to lead, and talk about Haley had made him feel safe?

Attending Haley’s funeral hurt more than either of his parents had. He wasn’t sure if that made him a terrible person. But when his father had died, he’d been relieved. Not happy, but maybe a little grateful. And when his mother had died, Haley had been stood next to him, her grip on his hand grounding him.

This time, she was the one in the ground. And the only person grounding him was a little boy, so much like Sean- not quite understanding, but aware enough to know the person they loved wasn’t coming home.

He held it together through his speech. Jessica gave him a soft smile before she took his place, reciting her own eulogy. Haley’s mother wasn’t able to attend because she was too unwell so her father recited both their speeches, voice cracking and tears streaming down his face.

It showed just how broken he was. No self-respecting Southern man would ever be able to shed tears that freely.

“Thank you for saying something,” Jessica said to him when they were all sat down. The team were far away enough to not hear, and he suspected that was why she had finally spoken to him.

“Jessie, this is all my fault. It was the least I could do. And I promise, I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you. To all of you.”

She let out a watery laugh. “Jessie. It’s been so long since you’ve called me that. Aar, I don’t blame you. I can’t. Because you did everything you could. I know that. And I heard you up there. You loved her. But you didn’t kill her. In fact, she’d kill me if I suggested such a thing. So forgive yourself. The rest of us have.”

“Jessica, why would you say something like that?” Roy shouted.

Jess flinched, unaware that her father had overheard everything.

Aaron shrunk down in his seat, unable to meet Roy’s eyes.

“You got my daughter killed. I trusted you. Even when nobody else did, when everybody said only bad things happened where Aaron Hotchner got involved, I trusted you. And when those people blamed you for what happened to your mother, I defended you. Because I knew you were a good man that would keep my daughter safe.”

“Dad, now is not the time,” Jessica said quietly.

“Yes it is! Yes. It is. My baby is dead, and it is all your fault. You promised me this would never happen. You swore. When your marriage died, I thought to myself: these things happen. They were young when they fell in love, perhaps they just grew up. But this- everything that has happened today? That’s on you. This is your fault. I wish it was you in the ground!”

Hotch flinched. “Roy, I-”

“It’s Mr Brooks to you now Hotchner. I treated you like a son. I- Haley did everything for you. Why weren’t you fast enough?”

And wasn’t that the million dollar question? Why had he not been fast enough?

“Dad, I know you are angry, but Aaron is not the person to be taking it out on! Just because he’s here and it is convenient does not make it right. Haley loved him until the very last moment. Shouldn’t that be enough to be good to him?”

Aaron just wanted everyone to stop shouting.

“She didn’t love him at the very last moment! How could she, after everything he put her through?”

“It is Hotchner going on the gravestone, not Brooks,” Jessica snapped.

Both Roy and Aaron stared at her. Neither of them had known about that, and she immediately paled, as though she’d revealed something she wasn’t meant to.

“What?” Roy spat.

“Haley called mom in the middle of the night in a panic. Said that if, somehow, this Foyet managed to find them, or if something happened, she wanted Hotchner to be on her gravestone because she loved Aaron.”

Roy’s hands were clenched at his sides and Aaron swallowed, subconsciously bracing himself for the blow that never came.

“I won’t do that to you. Ever. You may not be my son anymore, but I still would not harm you.”

Hotch exhaled, but Roy walked away before he could say anything. And the team got called away on a case.

“Did she really say that?” he asked Jessica, when it was just the two of them and their mugs of coffee. Jack had gone to sleep.

Jessica tore her gaze away from the carpet. Derek had done an incredible job of making it seem like nothing happened, but she now knew better and the thought of what had gone down made her sick. She wished she could convince Aaron to move, but she knew it would never work.

“Jess?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. She did. I was going to say something to you earlier but it completely slipped my mind. I hope that’s okay with you.”

He nodded. Of course it would be okay with him. Whatever Haley had wanted from him, he would give her. It would be too little too late, but it would still be something. Maybe it would lead to Roy’s forgiveness.

It was that line of reasoning that led to him almost accepting retirement, because what else was he meant to do? But then Jessica had offered to take Jack, saying it was the least she could do and that it wouldn’t be any trouble and he had been confused.

The gravestone hadn’t been placed yet, but he still knew where she was buried. That surprised him, because now that he thought about it, he couldn’t really remember the actual funeral. He just remembered Roy’s words. Aaron found himself talking to the air in a way he never had before, and by the time Dave found him, he’d made his decision.

Jack needed a father that could teach him how to move on and be happy. Aaron needed the team to be happy. Jessica had given her blessing, and maybe it was psychological, but everything felt a little warmer after he told his best friend that Haley already knew.

It didn’t mean he was confident that he was making the right choice. It was ridiculous, but he was terrified of how the team would respond. What if they thought he was making the wrong choice?

But on his first day in the office, they all treated him normally. Like nothing had changed. And for that, he was grateful. Emily was- as always- the only one aside from Dave with the self-destructive streak to make a comment.

Although it wasn’t the one he’d been expecting.

“I’m glad you came back,” she told him as he packed up his things to go.

There was a look in her eyes that told him she was being genuine. Her approval, deep down, meant more to him than everyone else’s, including Dave. For her to come in and say that she was happy he was there and leading the team meant more to him than he would ever be able to say. It also showed how far they had come. She had gone from insulting him every other sentence to wanting him around. He had gone from not trusting her to only being able to tell her the truth about what had really happened in his apartment.

“Thank you for letting me,” he said. If she had wanted it, she could have taken his job, no question. She wouldn’t- Derek was obviously the next Unit Chief- but she could have.

She smiled. “You keep us all safe, Aaron. How could I not?”

Emily’s hair was dark. As were her eyes. And there was a darkness that surrounded her in a similar way to him. He wasn’t sure where it came from. But she had learnt to live with hers. She had turned it into something beautiful that made people love her.

Perhaps he could do the same. Perhaps the darkness was something to welcome, not fear.

Emily Prentiss died, alone and cold, three times in one night. She died once when she told Derek Morgan to let her go because she genuinely believed Ian Doyle was still there, just waiting to hurt the people that had become her family. She flatlined in the ambulance, and Aaron had to watch as they frantically tried to revive her.

They succeeded in doing so, but at what cost?

She died a third time when Hotch had to make the decision as to whether or not she stayed. He wanted to scream at the bureau and say that it couldn’t be left to him because it was Emily’s life and if she wanted to stay and fight then she should.

But they would interpret his screaming and pleading as weakness. They would use it to deem him incapable of impartiality and then he would never know what happened. So instead of crying the way he wanted to, he kept his face neutral and argued all the reasons that Agent Prentiss- not Emily, not now- needed to be sent away and saved.

They went for it, and the prosecutor within him should have been proud. But it wasn’t. He was just tired.

Emily did not know that he had been in the ambulance and seen her die. She didn’t know that she had told him, whilst she was fading in and out of consciousness, about the darkness that she had seen and the chill that had come over her when she realised that she was dying or that he knew she wanted to believe in a better ending.

But Aaron did. It was why he found it so difficult to tell her what was happening. But he was already asking too much of JJ. JJ who was supposed to be a liaison for the state department and nothing more. But there was a haunted look in her eyes, and he so desperately wanted to comfort her, but there just wasn’t time.

He needed to save Emily before it was too late. Or maybe it already was too late. Maybe she would have survived if his own darkness hadn’t joined hers. Maybe if he’d been quicker in getting JJ or working out what had happened.

The moment he saw his own smiling face staring up at him, he should have known what was happening. But he hadn’t. And now yet another person’s blood was on his hands. When would it end? When would the people he loved stop being hurt by a darkness that should have only ever destroyed him?

His father once said the only thing he was good at was destroying beautiful things. Aaron had so desperately wanted to prove him wrong that he only succeeded in proving him right. Emily Prentiss had once been beautiful and good. One of the strongest and most resilient women he knew.

Hotch wasn’t stupid. He saw the way JJ looked at her. That was the other reason he had to be the one to tell her. Because he had seen Jason in the aftermath of the Boston bombing and Elle after she shot the rapist. He knew what Spencer’s anger and Derek’s fear looked like. He had seen the worst of each of his team members and never faltered because their darkness was nothing compared to his.

The Emily laying on that bed, broken and damaged beyond what any normal person should have been able to survive, was not the Emily they knew and Hotch was not going to let it be the Emily that JJ would remember. He would let JJ go with her to Paris because she would be stronger then.

That would be the Emily she would remember.

“Emily? Can you hear me?” he asked as quietly as he could.

She turned slightly, but even that small movement seemed to cause her pain. She opened her mouth to speak and winced.

“Don’t talk. You’re still too weak to do that. I just, I need to tell you what’s going to happen, okay? Because a lot of things are going to change and I want you to know exactly how this is going to play out.”

His hands were shoved in his pockets. One of them needed to be strong and pretend that everything was going to be okay, and it sure as hell couldn’t be her. But she saw and tried to motion to him. He shook his head. Soon she would be leaving him, and he did not want to remember her touch as being cold and almost lifeless. He wanted to remember her touch as being warm and comforting.

Without looking at her, he told her how they were sending her to Paris. His voice did not tremble and he did not break but he couldn’t face her when he was done talking. Instead, he stared at the floor and focused on the white tiles.

“I hate you,” she whispered. “How can you do this to me? I do not want to be sent to Paris whilst everyone else tries to deal with this.”

“Em. I’m trying to do the right thing,” he pleaded. He couldn’t have her hating him. Not after everything that had happened between them, and certainly not everything they had both done to gain the others trust.

“The right thing would have been to let me die,” she hissed.

He closed his eyes and it was only a few days earlier. He had told Clyde Easter that if anything happened to her, he would destroy him. The knowledge that he could do it without even flinching should have terrified him, but it didn’t. In some morbid way, it relaxed him.

When he turned his back, the knowledge that he had disarmed the other man bought him more joy than it should have, and again he was reminded of how thin the line between profiler and unsub really was.

“Mr Hotchner,” Clyde had called out.

Hotch had frozen, hands clenched at his side. How many years had it been since someone last called him that? And yet he still couldn’t hear the title without thinking of his father. He was an adult now, the man shouldn’t have held that influence over him but he was still terrified and he hated himself for it.

He’d turned, just enough so he could see Clyde’s face.

“I did my part. If she dies, that’s on you.”

And it was. It was all his fault. She had trusted him to keep them safe, but he had failed. Again. He had destroyed her, just like he had destroyed so many other good people. He didn’t deserve to be a coward anymore, so he looked up and met her eyes.

Weak and damaged as she was, she still managed to glare with a hatred he had only ever seen once. When she had been a college student, arguing with her mother. And he’d been both terrified and relieved to see that she could be so ruthless. Terrified because to him, she was just a girl and she shouldn’t have known how to hate like that, but relieved because he wasn’t the only one with such potential for darkness inside.

He left without another word. JJ had comforted Reid and Garcia because he had been too busy throwing up the single bite of sandwich he’d managed to choke down. And he knew something had happened to her whilst she was working for the Pentagon. He knew she wouldn’t be able to stay.

It was why he let her take Emily to Paris. He didn’t tell her what Emily had said to him. He just told her to ask if she could remember anything from the hospital. He spent the entire time waiting for her to respond. He was talking to Dave when there was a text from JJ. All it said was she doesn’t remember anything she said.

And it became slightly easier to breathe.

The funeral was difficult.

First thing in the morning, he had dropped Jack off with Jessica. Jack did not know it was a funeral that his father was attending, and so he was quite content to just sit in the living room and play with his toys whilst Aaron and Jessica stood in the hallway, talking in hushed whispers.

“Don’t you think he should go?” she had asked.

Hotch shook his head. “No. He already went to Haley’s. I can’t take him to Emily’s.”

“But he should be able to say goodbye to her.”

“Jessie, please. I can’t tell you why, but he can’t go to the funeral and I swear, as soon as I can, I will tell you everything but he just- I need him to not be there.”

She stared at him. “Aaron, you never need to beg for anything from me. I don’t know what’s going on, but whatever it is, you’ll be fine. I promise.”

Jessica didn’t understand that him and JJ were the only one that knew the coffin was empty. It was the second coffin in a year that Aaron was forced to stand beside. When did it end? When would the members of his team stop losing the people they loved?

Ashley Seaver was a child and he never should have let her stay on the team after that first case. She was meant to be a training agent, who was supposed to believe that her job would make a difference and protect people from a life like the one she had been forced to live. And yet here she was, stood at the grave of a team member whilst the rest fell apart. Hotch wanted her to remain good and hopeful, but he just didn’t know how to do that.

In some ways, he resented JJ. She was able to go back to the Pentagon and get away from the looks of her coworkers. She didn’t have to look out of her office and see the empty table that had once been Emily’s, nor did she have to go through the drawers of her desk and decide what would be kept and what would be thrown.

Aaron ended up keeping everything in a box at his apartment because he didn’t have the heart to throw anything away. Not when Emily wasn’t really dead, even though her photo was still hung up outside.

He needed to talk to someone, but there was nobody. So, he ran off to Afghanistan for three months working on a project he didn’t fully understand or see the point in. The guilt at leaving his team and Jack only slightly overshadowed the relief he had that nobody looked at him and seeked comfort. They just needed him to do a job.

Everybody else had grieved losing Emily. JJ had her closure for making sure she was settled in Paris, and from what Hotch could understand, she had been pushing the boundary as much as she could regarding the no communication rule. The team had each other, but he had nobody.

Then Ian Doyle died, and Emily Prentiss came back to them, but he didn’t come back to the team. Not really. For Derek was able to forgive Emily for what she did because the relief he felt at her return was enough to overpower his anger at her. Dave had suspected the whole time. Spencer was just glad that he hadn’t lost someone else, and that JJ had also been returned to them.

They could forgive JJ because it had never been her decision to leave them. They could forgive Emily because of everything she had been through and because she had no say in what was done to her.

It was Hotch that had failed to stop the move from happening. It was him that had made the decision to fake Emily’s death and not tell the team. He had chosen to leave them, and his son, for the summer. Yes, it was unfair to blame him, and it was likely his hands had been tied, but they were angry. They needed someone to direct that anger towards.

Every time they snapped at JJ or Emily, it felt like kicking a puppy for they would just look so hurt and upset that they immediately wanted to apologise. But if they shouted at Aaron, he would just take it. He wouldn’t argue or defend himself. He just took it, the ghosts behind his eyes not ones they could acknowledge in the moment.

He maintained his façade and pretended everything was okay because if he wasn’t okay, the team would have no use for him and he would become dispensable and there would be nothing left for him. Except for Jack. But he wasn’t sure how much he wanted Jack to see him. Since Emily’s return, his nightmares had gotten worse and he woke up screaming more times than he cared to admit.

And then one night, when Jack was staying with his cousins and grandfather, the nightmares got so bad that he barely managed to make it to the bathroom before he was vomiting up the meagre dinner he’d eaten.

When there was nothing left, he leant against the bathtub and sobbed. His own team hated him and there was nothing he could do because they were right. He didn’t trust them and he had fucked up so badly there was no redemption for him.

Jessica hadn’t been able to sleep. She had let herself into the apartment to see how Aaron was because there was a pit in her stomach, like something was terribly wrong.

“Aaron?” she called out.

There was no response, which on the one hand could have been a good thing because it would mean he was sleeping, but it could also mean he was refusing to speak to anyone. She wasn’t an idiot. When Emily had come to see Jack after that hearing thing because she needed something good, Aaron told her the truth. And then lied by saying he was fine after carrying that burden around himself.

The bedroom was empty. She told herself it didn’t mean anything, that he could just be in the shower or getting a glass of water. She crept along to the bathroom. Inside, he was vomiting and she knew it would eventually turn into sobs.

Without considering what she was doing, she dialled Derek Morgan’s number. He’d given it to her at the funeral and asked her to keep him safe. She had done her job as his sister, and now it was time for his team to their job as his family.

“Jessica?”

“Aaron’s sick and I think it’s your fault,” she said without thinking.

“Excuse me?”

“Oh god, no, not like that. I just- he’s being sick and I know that it’s because he’s been bottling everything up since the funeral which wasn’t really a funeral but oh, you know what I mean. I just- nothing I do will make him feel better. He needs you. All of you.”

On the other side of the line, Derek scoffed. “Jessica, Hotch is strong. Are you sure he’s not just got food poisoning or something?”

“I don’t think he’s eaten enough for that to happen.”

“Look Jessica, I’ll get the team together but I don’t know what you want us to do. Hotch made his decisions, and we can’t forgive him at the drop of a hat. We all need time to process.”

“Derek! He lost his wife to this job, are you really going to stand by as he loses himself trying to save all of you? I have never asked for anything from any of you, but Aaron needs you now. He’s just too scared of rejection to admit it.”

“We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

Morgan hung up and Jessica sighed.

“Jessie?” Aaron called out.

“Hey Aaron. What happened?” she asked, acting like nothing had happened.

“I don’t feel good,” he whispered.

She pressed a hand to his stomach. Damn him and his emotional constipation that meant all of his pain manifested physically.

“I know. I know. But it’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. I’ll get you cleaned up and then you’re going to eat something.”

He nodded and let her move him around as she pleased. The weight he had lost made her cringe. The last time he had looked so weak, he was seventeen and his father was dying of lung cancer.

The team all arrived at the same time, all in their pyjamas.

Aaron saw them and turned away. “Jessie, what are they doing here?”

“You need them Aaron. Whether you want to admit it or not, you need them.”

He shook his head as the medication Jessica had made him take after weeks of avoidance caused his filter to vanish and fuzziness as to what he was doing. “Don’t deserve them.”

“Yeah you do man. I’m sorry for how I was acting. I know you trust us and I never thought about how everything must have made you feel because I was angry,” Derek said.

Hotch shook his head, tears running down his cheeks.

“Can I hug you?” Derek asked.

Hotch didn’t respond, so Derek sat in front of him instead. “You’re forgiven Hotch. I promise.”

Hotch just stared but relaxed ever so slightly and didn’t protest when the other members of the team gave him small smiles or hugged him.

And the next day, they spoke to him, not as a boss, but as their friend. For the first time in a while, he felt like he was back where he belonged. Things weren’t perfect- they never were- but he no longer felt like the villain in his own story.

He felt like he was worthy of a small amount of love, which meant the darkness had not won. Not completely.

There were cases that were difficult. There were cases that made him want to quit, or curl into a ball and forget about how the outside world existed and was constantly hurt innocent people that didn’t deserve it. And there were cases that he knew would haunt him until the day he died.

Watching Jimmy lose his fight, the one thing that kept him going, just so he would be able to see his son one last time was something he would keep seeing every time he closed his eyes. He didn’t want to think about how he was the first one to realise that was what he wanted.

The team had all been waiting in various places, and he knew it wasn’t really what he was supposed to be doing, but when he looked into the man’s eyes, he saw a desperate father. And he thought of Jack. If it were Jack, he would do whatever it took to see him one last time. He deserved to see his son. And his son deserved a father.

Because when he looked at Jimmy he did not see the unsub his team had been after. He saw a broken and damaged man that was doing what it took to survive. Under normal circumstances, he’d been frightened by that but so much had happened that he almost felt desensitised when it came to relating to unsubs. His hands still went cold at the sight of every crime scene he visited. The bureau therapist would say the fact that he clung to that feeling both at home and in the field was unhealthy, but the bureau therapist had also deemed Jason, Elle, Spencer, himself and Emily fit for work after their respective ordeals.

“This isn’t a trick is it? Because you’re a federal agent, this isn’t your job,” he said.

“I’m a father first. And your son is holding on so he can say goodbye to you. I’m not so heartless that I would deprive you of a goodbye.”

He pressed a hand to his mouth. “He’s really going to- I can’t even bring myself to say the word. Am I a horrible person for not being here sooner?”

Hotch still blamed himself for not being there when his mother died. “No. No you did your best and you cannot think like that. I promise, when it came to your son, you have done nothing wrong. I’ll give you some privacy.” He hated to add the second part but he had to. “And I don’t want to, but you must understand-”

“I broke the law and you need to arrest me. I know. That’s fine. Everything will be fine because you have let me say goodbye to my baby.”

Aaron watched them through the window, a single tear coursing down his cheek as that was all he would allow himself until he made it home.

Sometimes, it was not the cases that made him question the reason behind doing any of this, but these moments where there was nothing that anyone could have done. They spent so much time putting bad guys away, and for what? The universe to just throw other tragedies in people’s faces.

Ryan closed his eyes at the same time that Aaron looked away. The raw grief both parents were feeling was something personal. He already felt like an intruder. He saw the man comfort his wife, who’s sobs had died down to silent tears as she placed a final kiss to her boy’s forehead.

They comforted each other.

Aaron wondered what would have happened if he hadn’t saved Jack from George Foyet. If he would still be alive now, or if he would have just let Foyet kill him because a life without Jack was not one he was capable of surviving. He wondered if Haley had survived instead, would they have been able to comfort each other, or would she blame him for the loss of her son? If Jack hadn’t survived, Hotch did not want to think of what his response would have been because the darkness of it scared him.

No parent should ever have to bury their child, and no child should ever have to be that strong for their parent. He admired Ryan for holding on for as long as he did, but he shouldn’t have had to. He should have been playing games with the other children and worrying about his favourite cartoon characters, not how many breaths he had left.

He stood outside for longer than he should have and he was gentler with the handcuffs than he ever remembered being. The last words he whispered were an apology that Jimmy did not want. Before he returned to the hotel, he stopped to see his wife.

“I’m so sorry,” he said. “And if I knew what to say, I would. But I don’t so please, just, find a reason to hold on. Anything.”

“Agent Hotchner, you gave my son the one thing he wanted. A chance to say goodbye to both his parents. That has to be enough for now.” She hugged him and was polite enough to not comment on how his own body shook with the tears he was unable to repress.

He gave her his card, and then he left her, alone, to process her losses.

On board the jet, he sat slightly apart from the rest of them, which they all took as their cue to leave him alone. Emily Prentiss had never liked listening to him, and so she took the seat opposite him. Hotch had to smile. That was the woman he knew. Not the one that was overcompensating for everything.

“I made you a cup of tea,” she said to him.

Hotch looked down at the mug and grimaced slightly.

“Jason did the same thing after the case with the serial arsonist. Do you remember? He was trying to get me to open up about how I related to the unsub.”

“Did you?”

Hotch shook his head, then hesitated. “Well, I suppose I did a little. He wasn’t really paying attention.”

Emily made a non-committal sound at that. “Look I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

He shook his head. “No. I can’t. Ryan just- he didn’t even look like Jack, but when I saw him, I just- they were a normal couple. They didn’t deserve to lose him like that.”

“Nobody deserves to lose someone they love that much like that. But they do. And we can’t stop that. What we can do is stop the bad guys who hurt other people and we do, whenever we can. Please don’t beat yourself up over this.”

He understood what she was saying, but he couldn’t accept it. Haley had been too good for him, and he deserved to have everything good taken from him because he hadn’t been able to save her when it had been his fault that she was forced into that situation.

She smirked. “And Rossi may have mentioned a woman making her way into your life. Beth is it?”

Hotch rolled his eyes. “I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. And it is just a bike ride.”

“You should go. Even if nothing happens, training is better with a partner. And you won’t be betraying Haley. Or Jack. If this thing works out, it will be because Beth understands that Jack doesn’t want or need another mom.”

Hotch looked at her with soft eyes. “Yeah. Maybe I should go.”

He did, and it was such a success that they ended up going on more than one date. She was excited to meet Jack, and they both loved each other. Even the team, who were always weary of potential partners, seemed to accept her as one of their own.

It momentarily convinced him that love could survive the horrors of their job.

The sound of the gun that Diane Turner shot herself and Maeve Donovan with sounded louder than even the three shots he had heard over the phone when George Foyet took Haley from him. His ear started ringing. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Alex close hers and lower her gun.

What had been thinking? Alex had already lost a son, and every case put the one she had just found at risk. Even now, she had the sense to look away. He was still holding his gun like there was something he could do.

Before he was aware of his actions, he had dropped it. Something that he always told people not to do, especially if the safety was off because you just couldn’t guarantee anything. The sound it made as it hit the ground was still nothing compared to Spencer’s sobbing.

Reid was on his knees, eyes closed as though that would stop him from seeing Maeve’s dead body, both her and Diane’s forming a pool around them. It would be another funeral for him to attend. It wasn’t fair. Reid was still just a kid compared to the rest of them, he didn’t deserve to see all the things he had been subjected to.

Hotch knelt beside him. “Reid?” he whispered, keeping his voice as soft as quiet as he could.

Reid shook his head. “It’s my fault. I should’ve done something. There were so many different endings to this series of events and at least half of them involved Maeve living and me dying, which is something everyone could have learnt to live with.”

“Spencer. That isn’t true,” he said, a lot more firmly.

Spencer’s sobs had calmed to hiccups. “It wasn’t supposed to be her.”

“I know,” he said, and he wrapped his arms around him. He felt Reid go limp against him as more sobs wracked his body. Reid was resting his head on Hotch’s shoulder and on instinct, he felt himself stroke the younger one’s hair, the same way he did to Jack when the little one couldn’t sleep.

He knew that grief caused people to go numb. When Reid pulled away, he kept one hand on his arm to stop him from being an idiot. Only Alex was still there, hovering by the side lines. The others had gone to stop the police from coming in too soon. They were giving Spencer the space to process.

Hotch wished they hadn’t. Jason and Emily were the ones that Reid turned to when he needed something. And if not them, then Derek and maybe JJ. But Jason and Emily were gone and Derek and JJ were dealing with other things.

And he was the only one who’s partner had ever been murdered by an unsub. He just didn’t know how to provide comfort. He didn’t know how he was supposed to tell Spencer that everything was going to be fun and he would recover because the truth was that he would never be the same. Aaron still wasn’t the same. It wasn’t possible, but sometimes his lower torso still ached the same way it had when Foyet first pushed the knife in. He wouldn’t lie to Spencer, but he couldn’t tell him the truth.

“I need- I never got to hold her. I need to hold her. Hotch let me go! I need to hold her, just once. Just once so I can remember her.”

The last time Hotch touched Haley, she was barely warm, but still lifeless. It overshadowed every single casual touch they’d shared since they were seventeen and it was all he could ever think of when he remembered her. He would give anything to forget the last time he held her.

Perhaps one day he would. But Spencer had an eidetic memory.

“I can’t let you do that,” he said.

Spencer shoved him. He wasn’t strong enough to knock him over, but Hotch hadn’t been expecting it and he lost his balance slightly. They both looked down at Reid’s hands. Reid looked at them like he couldn’t believe they were part of his body. Hotch looked down at how pure they were.

Reid had killed unsubs when it was the only way to save other people, but he was still innocent in so many other ways. He’d never hit the table to intimidate a suspect because that was Hotch’s job. He was the one that played bad cop, whilst they trusted Reid to successfully empathise.

Reid had never killed a man with their bare hands.

Hotch momentarily let go of Reid, and Reid tried to use that opportunity to grab Maeve’s hand. But Hotch was quicker, and before Spencer knew what was going on, Hotch had grabbed both his wrists and was holding them in front of his chest.

Both their eyes shone with tears.

“Let me go,” Spencer begged.

“No. Spencer listen to me. You don’t want your one and only memory of her touch to be when she couldn’t respond. You know better than me that she is going to be unresponsive. You won’t be able to kid yourself into thinking that she did indeed clasp your hand. Her perfume will be tinged with the stench of blood and she will be cold. Remember Maeve as the woman that made you smile. That was warm and bright. Not like this.”

Spencer relaxed against him, the tears falling. Hotch pulled him closer, holding him tight. At some point, Alex crept forward and gave the two of them a hug. She told them they needed to go. Reid shook his head. Between the two of them, they managed to get him down the stairs.

“I want to go to my apartment,” Reid stated after they took his statement. Hotch had sat with him the whole time. Reid’s monotony scared him and he wondered if the look on the officer’s face was the same as the one that been on Strauss’ after he spoke about Foyet.

“Spence,” JJ said, reaching for him.

“My apartment. Please. Hotch?”

Hotch knew why Reid had asked for it to be him. Because if he declined, Reid could come after him. Say that when Haley died, leaving behind a young son whose memories of his father were patchy and disrupted, Hotch had refused to stay with anyone. Instead, he had sat in the darkness of his apartment in case the monsters from Jack’s dreams came to life once more.

“If you need anything,” he said with a sigh, because he was the only one that understood.

Spencer nodded. But Hotch knew he wouldn’t.

They drove in silence. Hotch itched to say something but what? He understood what it was like to lose the one person that made your life better, but at the end of the day, he hadn’t been there. He had heard it over the phone. Spencer would see the images every time he closed his eyes.

“Would you like me to come up with you?” he asked.

Reid shook his head, exited the car but did not close the door.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t quick enough,” Hotch mumbled.

Reid’s pause meant he heard him. His lack of response meant he didn’t have any words of comfort that would not be lies. Perhaps that hurt more than Jessica’s sad smile when he got him and distractedly ruffled Jack’s hair, unable to focus on what he was saying properly.

He’d made the right decision in not letting Spencer touch the body. He knew he had. It didn’t stop him from wrapping Jack up in the coat Haley had picked and going to her grave. He knew Jack was missing his mom, so the trip served a dual purpose.

Jack liked to lay flowers at the graves that didn’t have any because- in his words- it would mean everyone would be as happy as his mommy was. As he did that, Hotch spoke.

“I didn’t let him touch her. I need to convince myself that was the right thing, but what if it wasn’t? I have years of touches to hold onto. He had never met her before then. What if one day, he wakes up and resents me because he can’t even imagine what she feels like?”

If Haley were alive, she would rub his shoulder and tell him he was a good man that needed to stop doubting every decision he made because he knew his team better than they knew themselves and that Reid would never hate him.

Be annoyed at him for specific things he did and lash out because he was in the wrong, yes. But hate him? Never.

Only Haley wasn’t alive. Hotch sighed, called Jack over and hesitated slightly when Jack held his hand out. Hours before, he had been holding a gun, ready to fire. He hadn’t been fast enough, and now another piece of Spencer had been lost to the abyss.

When Spencer didn’t return to work immediately, he was relieved. At least he was taking the time he needed to grieve and recover instead of rushing back and never dealing with the pain until it got so bad he could hardly breathe without holding back a sob.

He turned up on their case. Everyone else was excited to see him, because it meant he was alive. Hotch wasn’t so sure. Reid had never known anything other than the BAU, and that was partially his fault for not putting his foot down and telling Gideon the kid needed more experience before working as a profiler.

But there were people that needed saving, so he let it go.

And then he heard Spencer tell Dave how he wasn’t sleeping because he kept seeing Maeve asking him to dance but he had never been able to touch her. It was like a punch to the gut. Spencer had never touched Maeve because Hotch had told him not to, and now he was paying the price.

He didn’t hear Dave’s response. He used that moment to tell Alex he needed the bathroom. She seemed slightly taken aback but shifted out the way for him.

When Spencer came in after that, he seemed peaceful. He had danced with Maeve. Now, even though it wasn’t real, he had his closure because he’d been able to touch her, which was all he had wanted. Maybe it had something to do with being touch-starved.

Hotch thought of Haley. What would he give to see her one last time? Just to say he was sorry?

He was telling the team about a missing girl, but it was getting harder to breathe, and he couldn’t make out what the screen in front of him was displaying.

Before he knew what was happening, the world around him was going black and the frantic shouts of his team were not enough to bring him back.

When he opened his eyes, he saw her.

“Haley?” he whispered.

She looked beautiful. Her dress shone, and her hair was the same blonde it had been the day she’d gone into witness protection. She looked like the girl that had exploded into his life and taught him how to say I love you. That had taught him the meaning of light and who had changed his life forever.

“Hi baby,” she said with a grin.

He smiled. His light had come back to him.

70 notes · View notes