#cant wait to be able to make my own decisions with full knowledge of the consequences and do it anyways

[syn4k]

this one's going on main because it's femme fuck friday and for various reasons i'm not going to be able to go on t for at least another four years and i'm feeling it tonight

[gotarcher94]

The Witcher

So I’ve watched the first season of the Witcher on Netflix and all I can say is holy motherfucking shit. That was a good season. 

I wanted to jot down a few things that I liked about the season, bearing in mind that I haven’t yet read the books and have only played the Witcher 2 and 3. I will be using spoilers so consider this a spoiler warning.

(Also this will be a long post)

OK? OK

Henry Cavill

When Henry was announced I gotta admit I had some doubts over the casting. Not because I don’t rate him as an actor but I just couldn't picture him as Geralt. My personal pick was Zach McGowan, known for playing Charles Vane in Black Sails. He had the gruff voice, he looked like the game version of Geralt, and he even had similar hair. Just dye it white and he was good. 

But having seen the show... I recant every syllable of my foolishness.  

Henry Cavill is perfect as Geralt. He perfectly embodies the White Wolf. From his sarcastic sense of humour, to the subtle emotion on his face to the conflict he has while making the decisions he does. Absolutely perfect casting.

Anya Chalotra

Speaking of perfect casting, Anya is an incredible Yennefer of Vengerberg. Like Henry she perfectly embodies Yennefer. Anya plays the evolution of Yen superbly, from her beaten down and almost broken early days to the immensely powerful and confident sorceress she becomes later, she performs both absolutely perfectly.

And to all those who say that Anya is wrong to play Yennefer because she doesn’t “look like her”.... I cannot say shut the hell up loud enough. She was incredible and deserves all the accolades that should be sent her way.

Freya Allan

And rounding out the three main characters, the show is three for three in terms of perfect casting. I loved her independent and driven nature, continuing to keep going on despite all the trouble going her way despite only been about 11 or 12 (i think, not 100%). Her strong bond with both Queen Calanthe and Mousesack is evident, despite the relative lack of screentime devoted to it. I can’t wait to see how both the character and actress evolves over the (hopefully) seasons to come.

Geralt and Ciri

I loved the “the girl in the woods will be with you always” transition in the first episode, that eventually came full circle in the finale with the two finally meeting (with the run and hug scene!). Having seen their bond fully established in the games (I know they aren’t canon) I cant wait to see it develop on screen

Queen Calanthe

Is a badass. End of story. Ruling a kingdom, fighting at the front of every battle, effectively flipping off destiny and law of Surprise and being an incredible role model for Ciri. Absolute awesome character and Jodhi May did such an incredible job playing her.

Yennefer’s backstory

As a game only fan in terms of knowing much about the characters when I went into this season, my knowledge of Yen’s backstory was pretty much nonexistent, as I can’t remember it even being mentioned in the two games I played (of which Yen was only physically present for one). However, the show delved deep into it, and I’m glad they did. It simultaneously made us empathise fully with Yennefer but also established the basis for her desire to grow stronger and be in control of her own destiny and future, and why she was then so frustrated being in the mire of courtly intrigue, not able to grow higher.

The Yennefer and Tissaia dynamic

One of the most unexpected but welcome events of the show was the dynamic that they two shared. It was not the typical mentor and apprentice relationship and I appreciated the change from the norm. From Tissaia’s initial attempts to bring Yennefer to heel before eventually being the one to tell Yennefer to unleash her chaos during the battle at Sodden was great. 

The striga episode

I mean..... just wow. As soon as they mentioned Temeria I had a feeling that it would be the striga, as it was one of the few things that I knew about from the books. And holy shit they did not disappoint. From the investigation aspect, to the fight scene, to the music. It was incredible episode and one that I cannot wait to get back to when I re-watch the series

Battle of Sodden

The main focus of the incredible finale. I had heard of the Battle of Sodden during the games but to see it was something else. A great battle scene combined great fights, solid battle plans and incredibly cool magical skills. And also,during the night scenes, you could actually see what the fuck was happening. See GoT! It isn't hard!!

Vilgevortz

As soon as his name was revealed in the episode, I’m not gonna lie but i may have gone full fanboy. I know a little from what was mentioned in the books and have read a little from other sources about his story in the books and was immensely excited when he showed up. And I cannot wait to see his story unfold on the show and see him interact more with Yennefer and meet Geralt and Ciri.

Jaskier

From what I know, calling him Jaskier (his original name in the Polish stories) instead of the English name of Dandelion was one of the problems people had with the show. And I have to ask... does it really matter? He still acts like him, talks like him, annoys Geralt like him. He is the same character, the showrunners are just honouring his roots. 

And he brought some comic relief to the series in just the right ways, especially in the djinn and dragon hunt episodes. Joey Batey was great.

Music and Cinematography 

Both of them were absolutely fantastic. Every episode looked and sounded phenomenal. I’ve been listening to a few tracks from the soundtrack that have made it onto YouTube on repeat for a while, most notably “Toss a Coin to your Witcher”. However, one track that I really liked but haven't been able to find is the battle theme from the striga fight. If anyone could send me a link to it, I would be incredibly grateful

Fight choreography 

All of the fights this season were absolutely fantastic. Both the human fights and the monster battles. Geralt and Duny vs the Cintrian soldiers, Vilgevortz vs Cahir and (my personal favourites) Geralt vs Renfri and her gang from episode 1. All of them superb and I couldn't have asked for more from the fight scenes. 

Magic

I really like the magic system they set up in this series. Not only is it incredibly diverse (with the finale alone showing us Vilgevortz constantly creating swords, Triss making poison mushrooms grow beneath the feet of the army and Coral wiping out a whole section of the Nilgaardian army) but I really like the idea that it isn't just them tapping into a great power, that there can be a great cost to performing these spells. Not something that a lot of fantasy series do.

Cahir

He was a great antagonist throughout the season and again I know little in specifics about him but I know that he is important to Ciri’s story, so I am looking forward to seeing that develop further.

Geralt and Visenna

I loved the scene of the two of them in the finale, even if it proved to only be a dream/hallucination. The “How do you like my eyes?” line legit gave me chills. Incredible acting by Henry there

Geralt and Yennefer (Yenneralt?, I think certain parts of the fandom have settled upon)

Now, as a game only fan prior to this, my exposure to the relationship between the two of them was limited, as the games only touched upon it in the Witcher 3. Before then it was told that Geralt and Yennefer had an epic love but it was very much tell and don’t show, as Yennefer didn't appear in person until the Witcher 3 and by then CDPR had developed the Geralt and Triss romance story in the Witcher 2. And I’m not gonna lie, I was fully into their romance during my playthroughs. Not that I didn't like Yennefer but I just didn't have the same basis into their bond that the book fans did. 

After Season 1, however, I am fully onto the Geralt and Yennefer ship, having seen it develop as it did.

Methinks it may be time for another playthrough, as well as buying the books.

Things I’m looking forward to seeing on the show in the future 

1. Yennefer and Ciri meeting

2. Seeing Geralt and Ciri bonding more, with some time together at Kaer Morhen

3. Thanedd Island (eventually)

4. Zoltan! 

5. Regis!

6. Vesemir!

[my-honourable-barbarian]

I doubt nicknames will be necessary - Part 13

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12

AO3 Link 

Laurent did not mean to spy.

As a matter of fact, he wasn’t doing anything of the sort. He was merely lounging about on Damen’s bed, waiting for him to return, while Damen made a phone call. It was not his fault Damen thought a half-closed door and no attempt at lowering his voice was enough to drown out his side of the conversation.

He tried to focus on the cadence of Damen’s voice rather than on what was being said. Damen had a pleasant voice; Laurent had always thought so. It was straightforward. It lacked pretense. Like the man it belonged to, it was utterly honest.

Right now, he was speaking Greek, and both the pleasant shape of it on Damen’s tongue and the fact that Laurent was not very fluent should have made it easier not to listen.

But he heard every word.

His brain, as usual, would not go quiet. It translated what it could, analyzed the translation, put information onto shelves and sorted them by importance.

At the same time, Laurent wondered what to do about the data inadvertently acquired.

The more time he spent with Damen after deciding to trust him, the less sure he was in how to conduct himself. Before, it had been simple. Painful and lonely and simple. Now, he was growing increasingly aware that trust went both ways. Affection and the faith that it was reciprocated were not simply Laurent’s problem, they were Damen’s as well.

Laurent had put himself not only into a position where he could easily get hurt, he had also become someone with the power to easily hurt another person.

And it was a constant conundrum.

This phone call did not contain truly sensitive information. Damen did not need to know Laurent could understand him; there was no need for Laurent to inform him. If he had cared overly much about Laurent overhearing some things, he would have rescheduled the call until Laurent had left again. Or in case that did not happen – and it might not, Laurent thought with a resurgence of heat in his cheeks – Damen could have taken it outside.

Laurent indulged himself in pushing his face into Damen’s pillow. What was meant as a distraction only worked in terms of heating up his blood. He canted up his hips in mimicry of the position he’d taken earlier.

“This is how you have always wanted me to take you,” Damen had said afterwards, lying next to him and smoothing his hands down Laurent’s back. They had spent enough time in intimate contact for both of them to have noticed Laurent responded most to slow, tender touch. At Laurent’s request, the sex had not been like that this time. Damen seemed determined to make up for it afterwards. It soothed the tremor out of Laurent’s muscles, the defiant triumph in his mind into the present, where he was with Damen.

“I wanted it to be mine,” Laurent had said, and felt only Damen’s large, warm hands on his back, the not unwelcome ache he had left behind, and both their spent on his body.

When Damen finally hung up the phone, Laurent took the explicit sexuality out of his current pose and lay down flat. He kept hugging the pillow. It was large and fluffy. Luxurious. Made to feel as good on the skin as the sheets. Damen probably wouldn’t feel the difference between it and flannel, but Laurent, who never slept naked on his own sheets, appreciated it.  

“That was Nik,” Damen said as he came into the room.

Laurent turned a lazy gaze on him and said, “I know. My spoken Greek may not be as good as your French, but I do understand it quite well.”

It was the right decision. Damen did not look put out. His eyes grew mirthful.

“We can work on your pronunciation together, if you’d like.”

Laurent, who did not like looking like an idiot in front of anyone, said, “My vocabulary and grammar could use some advancement as well.”

“My family will appreciate it,” Damen smiled. Laurent’s heart stuttered.

“Thinking about introducing me to your family already?” he teased, and found his teasing voice might need some help as well, since he mostly just sounded fond.

“Of course I am,” said Damianos, without any self-consciousness, and plopped down on the bed next to Laurent. The impact of his bulky frame bounced Laurent’s body in a most undignified manner. “I mean, if you’d like to. That wedding Nik and I were talking about,” he said, and Laurent interrupted, “Nikandros’ wedding, where you will be the best man,” and Damen continued, “Most of my family will be there.”

Not a single secret. Damen had not been hiding the phone call at all.

“You’ve known me for less than a month and you’re taking me to a wedding to meet your family?” he said, over the odd breathlessness that was as much owed to the subject matter of his own sentence as it was to the absolutely spectacular way Damen’s naked upper body looked next to Laurent’s on the sheets.

Laurent turned to his side as well, and laid his hand over Damen’s pectoral. As ever, the contrast between their complexions was particularly aesthetic. He could feel the slightly faster beat of Damen’s heart against the heel of his palm.

“Who said I was inviting you?” said Damen with a smile, and it took Laurent a shameful moment to pull his hand back.

“Oh,” he said, cursing the way Damen quieted his thoughts sometimes. It took him too long to find words that would negate his previous helpless happiness.

Damen caught his hand before he could retreat completely.  

“Laurent,” he said, and shook his head just the tiniest bit against the sheets. It jostled his curls, still a little damp from the sweat of their previous relation. Laurent let himself remain helpless in the face of the dimple in full effect. “I was inviting you. I am inviting you. Would you like to go with me?”

Their hands intertwined beautifully between their bodies.

“When is it?” asked Laurent, and Damen answered, “In five weeks.” And Laurent pointed out, “And you spend every minute you’re not at work in bed with me?” and Damen laughed, “Are you complaining?”

And Laurent was so happy it must have shown, because Damen leaned in to kiss him. Laurent stopped him with nothing but the raise of an eyebrow and then he said, “No.” And had to stop himself from kissing Damianos. Instead, he said, “But Nikandros was. It was why he called.”

Damen’s smile turned sheepish.

“I will concede I might have been shirking my best man duties a little bit.”

He squeezed Laurent’s hand a little bit, and Laurent catalogued the exact way their hands fit together at the same time as he commended, “You know, this will not endear me to him.”

Damen smiled even brighter, even as his brow rose quizzically. Laurent wanted to kiss it. There were several parts of Damen he had not kissed yet. Some, he did not want to think about for the moment, but Damen’s brow, he may be able to put his lips on before the night was through.

“Do you care?”

Laurent pondered his question. It was clear Damen was not only asking in jest, and he would do him the courtesy of answering with all the honesty he possessed.  

Truthfully, he could not picture it. Out of Damen’s family – and the extended circle he considered part of it as well – he had only met Nikandros, whom he had not taken great pains to impress. What would they be like? Happy people, probably, with warm smiles and kind eyes, and a healthy suspicion of prickly strangers who showed up on their beloved son’s arm with no warning. Laurent could not imagine belonging in such a crowd.

“Considering my personality and the likelihood of boisterous drinking and bad table manners on their side, getting your family to like me might be a thing of impossibility.”

And because Damen was not like Laurent, not even a little bit, he dismissed the obvious self-deprication thinly veiled behind an insult to his family, and instead asked,

“So you’ll come?”

And Laurent could not help his own, slower, answering smile.

“Yes. I will not be doing any of the boisterous drinking.”

Damen could not be dissuaded from kissing him now, and Laurent all too happily melted into it, as he was melting into the soft sheets and the security of Damen’s bedroom and the knowledge that he had done the right thing when he hadn’t pretended not to have understood Damen’s phone call.

As he was melting into the feeling of their bodies against each other, side by side, barely rousing so shortly after their last encounter. Just close, for now, without expectation.

Laurent liked these light touches as much as he had found he liked the weight of Damen on top of him. The longer they did this, the more Laurent was coming to know himself in ways he would not have thought to even explore.

Before he had met Damen, sex had been unwanted memories and the abstract attempt to get past them. Had he asked himself if he’d like being held in place in bed, he would not have been able to answer ‘yes’ without shame. So he had not asked. Had simply decided to not do anything he was not fully in control of.

In a way, it was funny that it was sweet, vanilla Damen who had brought up the concept, probably because he thought of it as a normal part of sex, or simply because he had understood some things were triggers for Laurent without even comprehending what a trigger was.

He had not suggested it again after Laurent had told him ‘not today’.

But Laurent had been thinking about it.

Had been thinking about it almost every time large hands almost instinctively molded him to both their pleasure. Had been thinking about it in the aftermath, when Damen had half collapsed on top of him, only to roll off too soon to let Laurent have the control he needed over how they proceeded afterwards. Had been thinking about it hard when Damen had fucked him against the wall while holding Laurent up, in slow, indulgent rolls of his hips that betrayed no hurry or fatigue on his part.

Laurent was coming to know his body, and he was coming to know his pleasure, and he was coming to know that he could still be completely in control even when he was physically restrained by what they were doing.

Because Damen’s was a body made for worship, and yet his primary concern was worshiping Laurent’s.  

Damen had not even asked him to suck his cock. No matter how many times he performed the act on Laurent. No matter how slack-jawed he went whenever Laurent did as much as lick a spoon clean.

The closest he came to the question was when he traced Laurent’s lips with his fingers and Laurent let them in willingly. And Damen would not do anything except breathe harder and look at Laurent like this small thing was a miracle, and Laurent would use his tongue to trace Damen’s fingerprints and bite down a little near the knuckle.

And when Laurent pulled back and parted with a kiss to Damen’s palm, his eyes would shine and Laurent would be so hard he could barely wait to guide these fingers to where he wanted them.

Laurent had promised himself to never apologize for not wanting to be on his knees in front of anyone ever again, but those kisses were becoming more and more like promises.

He did not know yet if he would keep them.

But he was coming to know himself.  

Damen broke the kiss to brush Laurent’s hair from his face.

The warmth of their kiss was still between them even as Damen whispered,

“I would like to meet your family as well. At some point. If you’d like.”

And Laurent stayed here, in this moment, with this man, because this was where he wanted to be.

“You’ve met everyone I care for,” he said quietly, and Damen understood.  

“Then I look forward to getting stabbed in the leg by Nicaise many more times.”

Laurent had seen the puncture wounds. Had traced them with his fingers until his fingers had become occupied with something else. Damen healed fast. They were scarring already.

“I wish you could have met Auguste,” said Laurent, and Damen’s eyes softened even more.

Laurent kissed his brow.

* * *

In a very superficial manner, Damen had been aware of how lucky he was. Being born into a wealthy family, looking the way he did, and doing well at a prestigious job he actually enjoyed, it was a sentiment that had been brought to his attention many times.

But he had not felt lucky, not truly understood what it meant, until he had met Laurent.

He had not told this to Laurent, as he felt it might offend his formerly shut-off neighbor, but he was very aware of it whenever Laurent was near.

It was the contrast of things.

The ease with which Damen had fallen into his comfortable life, and how hard Laurent was fighting just to achieve any sort of comfort at all. That he had chosen a future profession that would not let him dwell in the fictional worlds he loved so much, but instead would constantly confront him with the worst of humanity.

“It’s not much longer now,” he’d told Damen earlier, when he had collapsed into Damen’s awaiting arms. “My internship with Vannes is ending with the week.”

“Hmm,” Damen had said and kissed his forehead. “You’ll be able to rest for a bit.”

“What are you talking about, Damianos,” Laurent had said, flustered (presumably from the forehead kiss). “I will need to start studying for my bar exam.”

“And celebrate your birthday.”

Laurent had tensed and pulled away.

“Yes,” he’d repeated. “My birthday.”

He’d seemed troubled enough that even kissing had not distracted him, and when Damen had gone to his knees for him, he’d only told him, “Not tonight.”

And then been even more on edge afterwards. As if he were expecting Damen to leave without the promise of sex.

“Okay,” Damen had said, still on his knees, and pressed a chaste kiss to the sliver of skin exposed over Laurent’s waistline, before leading Laurent to the kitchen to try his latest pie creation.

Damen had watched him, as subtly as he could, as he had forced his ever-working brain to quieten into whatever small peace Damen’s mindless chatter could provide.

There was more than just this, of course, that made Damen acutely aware of his privilege. It was the rare story about the brother he must have loved more fiercely than anything, always in the past tense. The utter lack of anything resembling a social net to see him through his current struggles. The extent of any surviving family appeared to be the uncle he never wanted to speak about and a rude, traumatized pre-teen he wanted to adopt.

It made Damen work harder at repairing his relationship with his brother. It made Damen call his parents more than once a week.

And it made Damen want to be all the things for Laurent he so clearly didn’t know how to have.    

For practical reasons (“You will break even more of my furniture, you giant brute”) they spent more time in Damen’s apartment than Laurent’s. At the moment, this meant sitting side by side on Damen’s couch. Laurent had his head on Damen’s shoulder, and one of his arms wrapped around his own bent knees.

He was reading, and Damen read along with him, a fact that had not been discussed and was acknowledged only by the slower pace with which Laurent turned the pages. It always took a few minutes until a position that included casual touching felt natural, but Laurent was beginning to adjust to such things with more ease the more often they attempted it.    

“I didn’t actually like reading as a child, you know,” Damen said, and felt more than saw Laurent stop reading his book. “There were so many other things to do.”

Laurent’s head was not so much a weight on his shoulder as it was a reminder he was there, as if he believed Damen would forget about him. He did this a lot, Damen had noticed.

“You hardly have any books in your apartment now,” said Laurent, without judgement. “It would have surprised me to picture you hunched into a corner, caught up in pages rather than action.”

It was clear Laurent was painting a picture of his own childhood, and Damen smiled against the top of Laurent’s head.  

“I had no interest in reading,” he continued, after a bit, in which Laurent had not resumed turning the pages. “I was actually far slower in learning than my brother. But I felt I needed to best him in sports before I would focus on besting him at these kinds of endeavors.”

Laurent only hummed. Damen chanced a quick look down at him and found he had his eyes closed. His eyelids were so sheer they are almost transparent, wrought through with purple capillaries. Damen wondered, sometimes, if closing his eyes even provided Laurent any rest from experiencing the world around him at all. At the moment, he appeared to try.

Something had changed inside Laurent, at a point Damen could not entirely determine. Laurent was never constant. He was never simple. And yet, he spent so much time only focusing on Damen.

“Kastor was the one who thought to open up a publishing firm,” Damen continued, and felt so incredibly blessed to be sitting here like this, fully clothed, with his arm loosely around this beautiful man, who was carefully closing his book to listen to Damen.

“He asked our father for a loan, but father wouldn’t hear of it. I never understood why. He had a good concept, and my family is certainly wealthy enough.”

Laurent handed Damen the book.

“How did he get you on his side?” he asked quietly. Damen could see him trying not to think too hard. He placed the book on the side table, just as careful with it as Laurent had been.

“Like I said, it was a good concept. I was about to finish business school anyway, added a couple of years studying literature, and meanwhile, Kastor assembled a talented team.”

He thought on it for a few moments, then added,

“I don’t know where most of them went.”

He had regretted the slow loss of one after the other of the old team. A few remained, of course, but the turnover of steadily employed people had perhaps been greater than with other publishing firms. Not in the last years, of course. Everything had been just fine in the last years.

“Who asked your father this time?”

Laurent’s eyelids fluttered for a moment, but his voice was even.

“I did, of course. I made sure to point out Kastor’s contribution to the concept, of course.”

Laurent’s slow, deep breaths transferred from the side of his torso to Damen’s hand which was comfortably wrapped around it.

“Jokaste said she founded your firm with you.”

Surprised, Damen looked back at Laurent’s face, and found he still had his eyes closed.

“When did she tell you this?”

“We meet twice a week at the reptile house and scheme together while cooing at snakes.”

Damen, who despite what most people thought of him did actually have a sense of humor, was almost ninety percent sure this was a joke.

“Of course you do,” he nodded, and pressed a kiss onto the top of Laurent’s head. Laurent, as he sometimes did, shivered almost unnoticeably.

“Yes, she was there from the beginning,” Damen went on and began to gently massage along Laurent’s side, careful to keep the touch from becoming sexual. “We met when we were partnered up for an exercise in a creative writing class. I was not very good at it, of course. She took my story apart completely. Utterly ruthless, you would have been proud. And yet all it did was make me want to be better.”

She had challenged him, not as easily impressed as most people he interacted with. Looking back at it now, he nonetheless also remembered honey, strewn between an honest assessment of his meager skills.

“By the third revision, it was a halfway decent effort. Obviously, I’m not a writer, but I learned a lot. She’s still one of the best editors on our staff, though she’s doing less of it since taking over the hiring and firing of personnel.”

Laurent shifted, and eventually settled into a new position, with his head on Damen’s lap. He looked straight up at Damen, his eyes particularly beautiful in the dim light of the lampshade and the dramatic shadows of his eyelashes cast by its angle.

“You don’t oversee this personally?” he asked, and took Damen’s hand to hold it over his heart. Damen was relieved to find the beat even, and most of the tension gone from him.

“Of course I do. But as Jokaste has pointed out on more than one occasion, I’m too gullible to be trusted to see what is bad for the company.”

Laurent was still looking at him. He had begun running the tip of a finger around one of Damen’s knuckles.

“So you agree with her assessment.”

Damen had no particular wish to keep talking about Jokaste at the moment, not when Laurent was being so utterly tender.

“I know she’s right about me,” he said, almost without thinking about it at all. “That I’m naïve, when it comes to some things. I don’t really observe things correctly unless I am pointed in the right direction.”

Laurent closed his eyes.

“Sometimes not even then,” he said, and it was neither an insult nor was it teasing.

“So you agree with her assessment as well?” Damen asked, and began stroking his free hand through Laurent’s head. Underneath his palm, Laurent’s heart stuttered for a moment, then returned to its even beats. He turned his head ever so slightly into Damen’s hand.

“You are naïve,” he said, with his eyes still closed. “You don’t see ill will or deception, and the dark side of humanity is entirely inaccessible to you. Of course she is right.” Laurent breathed out quietly. “My brother was like you. He was the best man I knew. It is not a fault you should endeavor to correct.”

Damen did not know what to say to that, other than the expression of a sentiment Laurent might not be entirely ready for, so he merely kept petting Laurent’s soft hair.

Eventually, he said, “I have not been on the best of terms with my brother until recently. A rift between us felt justified, as we both had a weakness for the same woman, but truthfully, I wish I could have been more forgiving earlier. Kastor may never have apologized with words, but it has never been his way. He has always been a man of action. He took over dealing with our company’s financials soon after we fought. I was always rather bored with that aspect of the job.”

Laurent’s eyes snapped open at the same time as his body froze completely.

“Your brother handles the financials,” he repeated tonelessly.  

[scarletrebel]

of madness and truth: the dark future details

i was going to do this in two sections cause i do wanna go through the present parts of the fic as well. mainly exactly why avia is torturing herself by wanting to see the simulation, why she decides to tell grier, and why osiris helps her. also, why osiris saw the simulation and what my perception of his opinions on toland are. 

but im too excited to share all the dark future ideas i have so uhh here you go @mrpinstripesuit if you have anything to add please please go for it!!

man why do we like torturing our kids aha

(also i broke it down like, a lot a lot not to be patronising but because i didnt wanna overwhelm people with bullet points aha)

“I guess I’ll have to explain it to you, like usual,” Grier says. “Since we killed Oryx? Three years. Since you snuck into my throne world and tried to kill me? Two and a half years. Since you killed Toland and trapped yourself in the Hive Overworld? Two years.”

three years: back in ttk days, grier chose to become the taken king after they killed oryx, so the rest of the clan had to get out of dodge and leave him. 

two and a half years: avia was very, very lost after that happened, and sought grier out by herself (and against the advice of literally everyone) just to talk to him. but, toland being the piece of shit he is, intercepted her and wouldn’t let them meet. then he convinced grier that she’d come to kill him and toland stopped her. avia then convinces herself that if she figures out how to kill toland, grier will be okay.

two years: in the split second after avia killed toland, in a complete panic grier trapped her in the overworld. he was the one who scratched the runes into the wall, theyre basically a strong but hurried version of the hive traps. 

the scene itself, the timeline that present avia sees is set just after the events of d2, around the time the savathuns song strike would have been undertaken. it’s the first time they’ve spoken since avia killed toland, but avia knows grier was responsible for trapping her. him telling her that shes there because she killed toland is the first notion that he’s there to lie to her to get her on his side, because he’s in denial and needs to know if savathun is actually coming to the system. hes not sure he’s strong enough to take her on, so he needs avia to take on the role of toland (or something advantageous to him at least) to give him an advantage. so he lies through his teeth.

“Yes – no,” Avia retches. “The singing,” she spits. “All she does is sing and sing and I can’t take it anymore!”

“Who?” Grier asks, sharp. “Who sings, Avia?”

Avia’s mouth opens around a name, but then she stops, and lets out a dry laugh. She drops her hands and pulls her head up to look at Grier. “Oh. Oh, are you telling me you don’t know?”

“It’s nor Ir Yut,” Grier ruffles, but shakes himself and addresses her with all the manner of a teacher dealing with an uncooperative student. “She’s gone. It’s not his daughters either, and no ordinary Deathsinger on account of how far it stretches across the system. I have my suspicions but you, are the only one who knows.”

Avia pierces him with her eyes, unrelenting and patronising.

“You know,” she says. “You know who it is.”

grier is…….. fucked up. he had toland whispering in his ear that he was doing everything right and he was getting oh so powerful, whilst withholding information about whether either of the sisters would come and kill him bc its toland, all he cares about is the sword logic. if he was actually alive when they came he’d probably just watch grier die with a smile on his face. 

then avia kills toland, and grier is so, so alone. all he has are the tablets of ruin, which explain the sword logic with such clarity, all the info that toland withheld from him, and he starts to get Worried. and then he hears savathuns song.

avia hears savathuns song, too. she actually started to gain control of herself in the hive overworld after she heard it. until then she was having all this information shoved into her head against her will. she knows a lot about the hive similarly to toland, because shes heard all these other songs and all this knowledge. she doesnt want to know, its far too much for her to handle, but she doesnt really have a choice. 

but then savathuns song made her realise the best way to get griers attention, so she just started screaming. every now and then, the screams would affect griers throne world. and that’s when he decided to go to her, to try and manipulate her with all the tools toland had given him. he had a feeling she was transforming into something, but went into the conversation just trying to convince her that she needed to help him.

“If you’re right, if I’m a liar just like Toland was, then even if I told you how they all died on my doorstep, you wouldn’t even think I was telling the truth.” A tilt of his head, the white matted fringe dangles slightly, helplessly. “Would you?”

none of the clan are dead. the eos’s did try and get avia out after rook was patrolling the dreadnaught and heard her voice, screaming. he couldn’t convince the vanguard to deploy a mission cause there was just no proof that avia was alive after sneaking to the dreadnaught to kill toland.

carver used his Hidden talents to track her down, got as far as the room where she was but the hive were about to overrun them. carver knew that avia wouldn’t want them to die in a rescue attempt, so he gets himself and his wife and child out of there and regroups with the others. carina is mad about it, but her mum and dad aren’t giving up.

the only other member of the clan who’s seen grier is rook. after the eos’s got back, he figured fuck it and went to get avia, his heart too broken to have the same clarity that they did regarding if he died.

that part grier wasnt 100% lying about -- rook actually finds the room, and grier is waiting for him. it’s a close fight, grier gets the chance to kill rook in the end, take his ghost and crush it under his heel but. he cant. so he tells rook to run, and if he ever comes back he wont just kill him, but he’ll make avia do it. (more lies about avia not remembering who he is probably idk)

grier lying to avia about their clan mates dying isn’t something he went into the conversation knowing he’d do. he was getting pissed at her holding back info out of spite, and thanks to this little comic by pin I wanted to play with him bitterly making her more and more upset by lashing out in such a vile way. grier is a hard character to find faults for aha but his quick anger and bitterness were interesting to play with when I dialed them up to eleven.

avia’s biggest fear is getting the people she loves and cares about killed, and grier still retains enough of himself to know that. so he just kinda, finds that vein and twists and pulls at it until avia breaks down and believes that she’s all alone -- that it really is just them two now. 

“I, I wouldn’t – no!” Avia yells, and the room shakes once more. Grier takes stock of it this time, his face twisting in amused curiosity as she rages on.

avia is turning into a deathsinger. 

in my head her ahamkara claws loose their silver plates over time and eventually, some time after her and grier talk she hears the ahamkara/worm gods/whatever with a scary amount of clarity, amplified by the fact that shes trapped in the overworld. they just convince her that shes not a guardian anymore, that shes something better, something more powerful. she spent so long being a soldier, a fighter for a dying cause, wouldnt this be better? to forge her own path, to listen to the songs and become something greater?

eventually she’ll decide (or think that she decided) that grier’s the only person she can protect anymore, and begins to accept the transformation. she adopts the same powers, I guess, as oryxs daughters. being able to weave reality and bend it to her/griers will. she’s basically ‘griers deathsinger’. her grief and anger fuel how powerful she is.

(i love...... corruption tropes so yeah this is basically whats happening to her aha.)

its an ironic parallel also because as i said before, grier is alone with the tablets, and avia is alone with the ahamkara. but grier said it was just them. theyre both transforming and changing at the same time into things they dont necesarily want to be because they couldnt see the consequences of their actions after one decision was made. but, they do eventually come together, just them, as grier makes avia believe -- as its meant to be. 

Afterwards 

i like to think eventually the clan decides to take grier on together to try and save avia, but they just get taken one by one instead, basically becoming different members of griers court and only making him stronger. they’re all far, far too attached and know that theres most likely no coming back if they do this. but after the city falls, theres no better time. no vanguard to stop them, no mission protocol. they regather after ghaul attacks and all decide to strike out by themselves. but it goes horribly wrong. 

avia’s full deathsinger transformation makes all of her armour look like the silver plated ahamkaras (because thats just her, in d1 they were my fave exotic and they’re very much a part of her character in that era for me) minus a helmet, and the silver is definitely more rusted. her eyes blacken over entirely and her cloak is massive and swishy and the hood almost covers her eyes, and thats in place of the skirt a deathsinger would normally have (a skirt just doesnt seem right for her aha)

avia becomes a very loyal, very cutthroat deathsinger. she’s literally at griers beck and call. like omnigul for crota, or as it said in the fic ir yut. 

[cookieswriting]

What Matters - Ch. 4

Rosaline found herself drifting between sleep and waking not long after checking the poultice on Benvolio’s abdomen.  His back would need to be checked when the physician and apprentice returned, as she was unable to turn him on her own and unwilling to risk injuring him further.  He’d been still for some time, the shallow rise and fall of his chest the only indication that he was in fact still alive.  Shaking herself to stay awake, Rosaline took a moment to consider their relationship.  So much had changed in the short time since they’d met; where she’d once hated the sight of him, she had since come to rely on his companionship.  She’d been so sure of his ill character then, blinded by her hatred for his family’s name, that it had taken some persuading for her to see the goodness in his heart.  If ever she’d attempted to apologize for her behavior, Benvolio had laughed, brushed it off, and reminded her that he’d been no better.  

The lady was returned to the present when her betrothed began to moan softly.  She looked up, checked his bandages once more, and realized that his discomfort was the result of an apparent nightmare. His distress quickly became more pronounced, and Rosaline stood quickly to tend to him.  Her hand settled carefully on his bare chest (had his state not been so dire, such would certainly be inappropriate...and enticing in a way she was not yet used to associating with her betrothed), and she pressed down when he started to fight her restraint.  “You are safe, dear Montague.”  His pulse pounded wildly under her touch.

“Rosaline!” he pleaded, hand coming around her wrist as his steel blue eyes snapped open.  Despite his weakness, his fingers were tight and he nearly succeeded in dislodging her.  His gaze, full of fear and desperation that stole her breath away, searched the room frantically before meeting her own.  In a beat, relief took over and his grip loosened.  His hand slid down her wrist to cover her fingers, holding her hand against his chest as if to reassure himself she were real.

“I am here. You are safe…” she hesitated, remembering the look in his eyes. “We are safe.”  As he returned to full awareness, Benvolio winced and pressed his free hand to his bandage.  His breath continued to shudder, and Rosaline felt tremors begin to wrack his body.  She reached up and stroked his jaw, heart aching for his pain and grief, desperate to soothe him.  Slowly, his breathing began to even out.  “Are you with me?”

Those stunning blue eyes fluttered open, clearer than she’d seen them since before the attack.  “Yes, Capulet,” he breathed tiredly.  She stilled the hand on his face, allowing it to cradle his jaw.  Benvolio leaned into her touch, staring at her as though he were afraid she’d disappear before his eyes.

“Did you see the attack again?”

“No,” he murmured, fingers reflexively tightening over her hand.  Rosaline stroked his chest with her thumb, canting her head to the side in silent question.  Her betrothed took a slow breath, and she was surprised to see the sheen of tears fill his eyes.  As she waited for him to speak, Rosaline wondered if he would be so candid with his emotions were he not in such a weakened state.  Benvolio lifted her hand from his chest and slid his fingers between hers, and Rosaline had to fight back tears of her own.  She was unsure if she’d be able to bear her betrothed returning to his respectful distance when he was healed and able to leave the safety of her room; the vulnerability he’d shown since initially waking up had created a whole new level in their relationship to which already she felt accustomed.

“I...I dreamt of my cousin, and Mercutio, and Juliet...even Paris, and Tybalt.”  He sighed and lifted his free hand from his injury to stroke her arm as he continued.  “They all, one by one, fell off a cliff and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Romeo was the last to fall, and he tried to pull you along with him. Finally I could move, and I caught your hand. My cousin too held fast, though, and I lost you as well to the darkness.” A single tear slid down his cheek.  Rosaline brushed the tear away, and waited for him to continue.  “I would not be able to live with the knowledge that you were lost to this horrible feud because of me. In all of the bloodshed that we've seen in this summer, you are the one who need be spared. You didn't want any of this and yet you were dragged into my disaster. For that I am truly sorry.”

Rosaline gave him a sad smile and shook her head.  “It is my fault that you lay here now, wounded as you are.  My aunt admitted to hiring men to kill you...and I fear it will not stop.  It is you, Benvolio Montague, who has been forced into the middle of a fray you did not choose, who has done no wrong save fight to protect those he loves.”

“You mean fail to protect them,” he retorted, voice laced with a bitter melancholy that frightened her.  “I was meant to guard my cousin with my life, had vowed to do the same for Mercutio...the Lord knows how often those two got themselves into trouble...and yet I am the one left breathing.”  His eyes dropped in shame.  “I cannot count the times I found myself wishing that I had joined them in death in the days...weeks following the tragedies.  I was left utterly alone, and had to read my uncle’s blame every time I looked in his eyes.”

Though she was not genuinely surprised by his words, the thought of him following through with his wish twisted her heart.  “My dear Benvolio, what happened to all of those we have lost is not to be on your shoulders.  I can say with utter certainty that neither Mercutio nor Romeo would wish for you to join them so soon.  You will never be alone again so long as there is breath in my lungs,” Rosaline vowed.

Benvolio stared up at her, something akin to awe in his eyes.  If asked at a later time, she would swear that there was some force that drew them together until their breath mingled; it certainly wasn’t a conscious decision. When the physician and his apprentice walked in just a beat later, both parties jerked backwards, the Montague with a low groan.  Rosaline felt heat rise to her cheeks, and a twinge of disappointment in her belly.  She glanced down to her betrothed, and knew when she saw the blush on his own neck that she was not alone in her feelings.

“F-Forgive us, milord, milady.  ‘Tis good to see you alert, Sir.  Lady Rosaline, I trust, as you did not come to fetch us while we slept, that there were no complications since we last assessed him?”

“No, Sir, I have recently reapplied the poultice to his abdomen, and found no sign of infection or fever.”  Benvolio watched her with a slight grin, and Rosaline pointedly did not look at him.

“Excellent.  I do not wish to have you turn onto your stomach, Sir Montague, as the effort to turn back over may prove excessive in your current state.  If we can position you on your side, the poultice can be applied and left to dry, then you can return to your back if you so choose.”  The man in question nodded, preparing himself for impending pain.  Rosaline leapt to her feet, hurried around the bed and lowered herself down beside him carefully.  When she could not find a comfortable and beneficial position while upright, she laid herself on top of the blankets and settled onto her side next to Benvolio, who was watching her with wide eyes.  

“Are you ready, Montague?” she questioned, trying to ignore the twitch in his lips when her voice wavered.  He nodded, clenching his jaw and reaching out for her hand.  Rosaline took it quickly, nodding over him to the physician and settling her other hand on his shoulder.  As the men across from her pushed, she pulled, ensuring that Benvolio need not strain himself and pull at his injuries.  He grimaced as she released his shoulder, clearly fighting a moan, and sweat appeared on his brow. Rosaline reached forward and caressed his skin tenderly, eyes trained on his as he clenched them tightly.  “The worst is over.  Are you ready for them to continue?”  He opened his eyes and nodded sharply.  She mimicked the gesture to the physician, and returned her focus to her betrothed right away.

“Thank you, Rosaline.”

As the physician worked, Rosaline whispered to him of more peaceful times, of memories she’d shared with Juliet, distracting him from the pain as much as she could.  They worked quickly, and Benvolio only flinched a few times before they were finished.  “The wound is healing well, I would like to examine it again in a few hours.  In the meantime, if you need anything we shall be in the foyer.”  Rosaline smiled warmly at him for giving the hurting man privacy now that he was awake...for giving them privacy.  The physician bowed to her, and both men took their leave quietly.  Benvolio squeezed her hand lightly, bringing her gaze back to him.  

“How do you fare?” she whispered, not daring to speak any louder in the minimal space between them.  She knew propriety demanded she get up, put space between herself and the man she was engaged to marry, particularly knowing how close she’d come to kissing him before the physician.  She knew she should release his hand, stop touching him...but it felt as though if she were to move, breathe, speak too loudly, the moment would shatter, and she was not prepared for that to happen.

“Well enough, my lady.”  His voice was low and rough, and make her pulse quicken.  He turned his hand just enough to settle his first two fingers over the pulse in her wrist, and his grin was a mix of affection and hunger.  She barely had time to ponder the intense shift in their bond before he was overwhelming her with a heated kiss.  

She truly should have stopped him the moment their lips touched, and yet...she truly did not care to.  In the slightest.  Rosaline responded eagerly, shifting closer to him until her elbow unintentionally grazed his wound and Benvolio spasmed. “Oh! Oh, Benvolio, forgive me!”  The lady clapped a hand over her mouth and rolled onto her back, turning her head to look at him.  His face, twisted in a grimace, was alight with mirth.  

“No, my beloved...it is I who needs forgiveness.  ‘Tis not appropriate for me to jeopardize your virtue, even if we are betrothed.”  He took her hand and pressed a tender kiss to her knuckles.  “Perhaps it will be best if you have the physicians come in...you look as though you need rest, and I will now be unable to find any myself with you so near.”  Rosaline bit her bottom lip, grinned when his eyes fixated on her mouth and he swallowed with difficulty.  “Go, Capulet,” he growled.  With a light giggle, Rosaline surged forward to press one more kiss to his eager mouth, and then forced herself up and out of the room without another look.  

If Cerimon or his apprentice noticed her disheveled appearance, neither commented, for which Rosaline was grateful as she hurried to the nearest empty quarters to attempt sleep.  The flutter in her chest and grin on her lips would not cease, and the lady Capulet was sure that she would find no adequate rest until she was wed.

[robonomics]

Altria’s Investment in Juul: Buy, Hold, or Sell?

Altria’s stock has recently fallen on some pretty bad times. The last time I wrote about the company a few years ago, I endorsed it as a great long term buy. Since then, the stock has fallen about $15, or $9 if you account for unreinvested dividends. One would think the stock would be higher over this period along with the rest of the stock market, but events over this period changed the company’s strategy. Its most concerning risk- government regulation- battered the stock. Looking back, you can see that I’m not always right- nor do I believe I am always going to be when writing about my investment ideas. It’s time I re-examine Altria’s stock (this time ignoring Philip Morris’s stock).

Altria is holding company for the sin business. For the most part, it is a cigarette producer, owning several cigarette brands, most notably the American rights to Marlboro (Philip Morris owns the same brands but for the international market). It also dabbles in cigars, wine, and smokeless tobacco products like chewing tobacco and e-cigarettes. When it comes down to it, Altria is nothing more than a cash-generating machine in a recession-proof industry. Growth in cigarettes is in perpetual decline- its regular customers are dying after all. However, even with a declining base of users, it is able to increase revenues from price increases. Addicted people have a pretty inelastic demand curve, which Altria has taken advantage of as its core business model for decades. Further, brand loyalty is strong in the industry, and Altria has the strongest: Marlboro. Price competition hasn’t happened in decades when the industry oligopolists figured out that branding was all that mattered for users. On top of the businesses and brands it owns outright, they also own major stakes in a few other sin businesses. Over the long history of this company, much of its revenues come simply from the dividends it receives from these investments, and the managerial prowess it provides to the boards of these companies.

Interestingly, I just came across some of the terms of the Master Settlement Agreement, a 1998 settlement between cigarette manufacturers and 46 states. The terms require cigarette companies, including Altria, to pay billions every year to states in perpetuity for public health needs. Under the terms, 2018 was the last yearly increase in the amount to be paid. From here on out, the maximum amount tobacco firms have to pay is $9B/year all together. They collectively have no problem paying this. Just imagine how this will help the bottom line in the coming years as revenues continue to rise, but this cronic cash outlay stagnates- and that’s not even accounting for inflation! However, there appears to be some type of volume and inflation adjustment actually leading the manufacturers to paying less than expected, and which will possibly mean that their outlays will continue to rise in the coming years. It is unclear, but this may or may not mean that there will be additional earnings over the coming years.

In August of 2017, it sold off its stake in SABMiller in exchange for about a 10% stake in AB Inbev (SYMB: BUD), the world’s largest brewer. It also go$5.7B cash at the time of the deal. The nice thing about this is that AB Inbev pays a huge dividend to supplement Altria’s stake. Well not so much recently. Because of the debt ABInbev took on to buy SABMiller, the company recently cut its dividend dramatically, also causing a fall in the stock price. That means the value of Altria’s stake went down too. On the bright side, Altria has this stock to supplement its revenues, and, in the end, its own dividend payments. (I am struggling to find the actual amount of cash Altria generates from these dividends, but some rough math based on AB Inbev’s cash flow statement puts it at around $513M for the next projected full year and possibly $1.4B looking back over the year since it took a stake). All it has to do it sit back and wait every 6 months or so for the dividend to come in. I don’t really believe there is too much worry here in the long run. The beer industry faces a lot of competition from craft brewers competing with mass market producers, but even there it seems that some of the craft brewers are just becoming another large competitor in the market, like Bells and Yuengling. Sorry hipsters, you can’t fight off brand loyalty and the ease with which many consumers want to make their purchasing decisions forever. Sure, Altria’s income statement is going to take a hit while Bud pays down debt, but investing in a company for an asset play is not unheard of. For example, investors might find swaths of land owned in prime markets by companies that aren’t using it properly and invest in what otherwise looks like a dead end company solely for the purpose getting the company to sell the land, and hence, give them a huge inflow of profits. If Altria truly fell on hard times, it could do the same with its AB Inbev stake. So far, management doesn’t see a problem with it, notably because they haven’t sold it in order to make other investments.

Juul is Cool

Speaking of asset plays, Altria’s biggest recent news involves its new stake in Juul, an e-cigarette company. Juul essentially came out of nowhere in the last couple years. Just in the last year alone, it had an explosive 900% growth in revenues to $1.5B. Why? Simple: Juul is cool. A generational shift is currently happening where smoking went from being a nasty habit into what is considered one of the coolest things to celebrate for college (and likely high school- see below) students. Just review a Barstool Sports Instagram or Twitter account for any random college and you’ll find videos of countless people showing off the numerous ways they consume, charge, and distribute their Juul. Hell, I’m even using one right now! Just kidding, but I occasionally think of getting one. What used to be a dying, slowly decreasing market for nicotine has now turned into a super fast growth market. The base of users is growing again, and therefore, the chance for new revenues and profits.

This is the reason Altria invested $12.8B in Juul for a 35% stake, valuing Juul at $38B. That’s 25x last year’s sales, a dotcom bubble era size valuation. Juul supposedly makes up 75% of the e-cigarette’s $2.3Bish market*, so it’s still dwarfed in size by the cigarette market, a $119B industry in the US in 2017, over $600B globally. This is the reason why many analysts believe Altria overpaid: it will take a long time to recoup the investment in a small company and market, regardless of how high the current growth rate is. I’m not so certain though. Even in my attempts to do a discounted cash flow model with completely arbitrary figures, the revenue growth rates have to continue to be pretty explosive for several years. From the looks of it, Altria is betting that its customers will quit smoking cigarettes and switch to e-cigarettes,and gain new users who weren’t previously smokers. Nicotine is addictive, so there isn’t much concern about future revenue generation once a new customer buys its products. How much brand loyalty will exist in this new market is uncertain, so part of their bet is that Juul is going to be the Marlboro of e-cigarettes. If Juul and other e-cigarette brands can turn a $2.5B industry into a behemoth $119B, assuming the switch is a perfect substitution, it’s not a bad move for Altria to pay up now to maintain its current 50% market share. Maybe e-cigarettes will generate less revenue but from some quick figures on from numerous sources that aren’t totally reliable, Juuls will make a shit ton more. Estimates range on how long a pod lasts, from a day to a week depending on a person’s use. Some say a pack of cigarettes is equivalent to a pod in reference to its nicotine level, delivering 5% nicotine per puff. I have not clue how that translates to a cigarette pack. On average, it’s a more expensive habit than smoking at $15/pod. This means its users, at least at the moment, likely have higher incomes, or really are committed to quitting smoking. As we already know, addicted smokers have a high inelasticity of demand, but it is unclear if this much higher price is something users are as willing to stomach before brand switching or price competition occurs. What is clear is that as long as Juul can maintain pricing power from the dominance of its brand- a risk in a new market- it is likely that Juul will be a cash fucking cow. A fast growing one, too.

The terms of the purchase agreement are very favorable to Juul. In exchange for a 35% stake in the company, it basically gets access to act as if it were any other product in Altria’s sales force. Prominent placement in stores, marketing campaign assistance, distribution network, brand management, you name it- Juul now has it. Overnight, a company with a well-known brand from a niche industry gained the knowledge of the larger industry it’s taking on’s best competitor. Under the terms, Juul also doesn’t have to worry about Altria using its new board seats to influence a future sale of the company outright to Altria, well at least for 6 years. I have a feeling Altria will block any other competitors from taking stakes in the company before (if it ever) goes public, and be happy to buyout the rest of the company if the next 6 years prove that they made a good investment. Many investors see all these benefits to Juul and limitations on Altria as a sign that Altria overpaid for an investment in a parasite. One thing investors are forgetting: Altria knows the tobacco market better than them. As long as what I imagine Altria predicts are astronomical growth rates in the e-cigarette industry over the coming decade, the stake will pay for itself- especially the board seats at the decision making table (future acquisition). The difference between this and the AOL/Time Warner merger is that Juul generates cash and profits, unlike the lofty future projections of AOL. Cash speaks, and Altria is simply looking to keep its cash generating machine of addicted users running long into the future. 

The big negative the comes with this investment is that it is politically very savvy to attack not only the smoking industry, but especially the e-cigarette industry. Not only has the number of vapers increased dramatically in the last couple years, but sadly the number of people under 18 has too. This is the first time in a long time that any form of nicotine use has climbed in that age group in quite a while. Some attribute it to product advertising. I’m not sure where but possibly Instagram and Twitter. The FDA appears to be on somewhat of a mission at the moment not only to regulate, but destroy the industry, announcing just this morning that if teen vaping rates do not stop rising in 2019 (highly unlikely) they might completely ban the product. While I fully disagree with this approach, and much of the various proposals the FDA has announced regarding e-cigarettes simply because of the massive decrease in health problems compared to conventional smoking, it is a real scare for investors, especially since Juul is the FDA’s biggest target. A ban on e-cigarette’s would completely wipe out Altria’s $12B investment.

But keep in mind, the FDA also once proposed regulating the level of nicotine in cigarettes down to a non-addictive level. That never went through. Every once in a while, the FDA talks about banning menthol. They did so officially this past November. I’m a bit concerned about this, as an investor, but who knows if it will actually go through. I feel that notice and comment rule making proposals almost always go through since public input or any opposition to a proposal really doesn’t matter in administrative rule making, but lobbying is a strong force to deal with. Altria, which I imagine Juul will be a maaaaaaajor beneficiary of, has an incredibly strong lobbying team. Along with British American Tobacco and other major cigarette producers, its not a stretch to say smoking is a prime example of regulatory capture: when industry regulators become so cozy with the companies they regulate that the regulators implement whatever rules the companies want in place. And the companies always make it so that they survive and competitive barriers are put up. I’m not a fan of the model, but it’s a common one; one Altria is really good at. If anyone can stop the FDA from banning revenue generating products, it’s the cigarette industry under a pro-business president.

Without going into it much, Altria’s investment in Juul is likely a positive for the company, but from an antitrust concern I am fully opposed to it. Altria already announced that they are shutting down their in-house e-cigarette brand operations in order to focus on Juul- a blatant example of anti-competitive activity.

Other Stuff

Altria also recently invested $1.8B in Cronos (SYMB: CRON), a canadian cannabis maker. On this front, I simply do not have enough knowledge. With a 45% stake in the company, and the ability to take majority control later, this could work out similarly to their investment in Juul. I’m happy Altria is investing an area that logically flows from its core business model, the marketing of sin products. Maybe Cronos will become the next Altria of marijuana. The hard part here is that competition is rife in this legally suspect industry. Who will be the eventual victor after marijuana is fully legalized in the US is unclear. There are numerous competitors, a lack of brand loyalty anywhere as far as I can see at this point, too many different flavors (strains) without clear mass appeal, hundreds of different consumption methods... the list goes on. Another on the competitive front is that multiple different sin business giants are investing in the industry, including Constellation Brands. I’ve even heard that general products companies like Coca-Cola are looking to get in on the game. That’s a lot of strong marketing/brand competition to eventually face. It is an economist’s dream to follow the marijuana industry given how all the different restrictions affect decision making and how it came to life out of nowhere to let market factors play out in real time. However from an investors stand point, any investment in the waaaaaaay-overvalued-relative-to-risk marijuana stock sector, it’s a crap shoot whether Altria made a good investment or not. Analysts see it generally as a good move for both Altria and Cronos, which seems strange to me given their universal agreement on how the Juul investment was bad, even though Juul has much better prospects of future success. Let’s hope the analysts are right about Cronos.

One of the biggest problems Altria faces as a stock rather than a company is how it is viewed. Currently, it is a blue chip industry stock. Revenues grow with stability over time. Dividends are high. Cash flows are massive. For much of its history, the company has had so much money that it had to buy up companies in totally unrelated industries just to find somewhere to grow and diversity in case cigarettes were all out banned (Kraft, SABMiller, etc.). Investors have historically bought the stock because of its reliable dividend. With interests rates rising, this presents a problem: investors sell high dividend stocks and switch to bonds to lower their risk for the same or similar return. This creates a headwind against Altria for the expected coming years. Further, if Altria’s investment in Juul turns out to add lots of growth to its revenues, it may completely alter Altria’s historical view as a dividend growth and income play. Whenever this happens, stock prices are unpredictable as investors try to figure out the future direction of the company. This is a probably the biggest risk factor for the stock, more so than its one time investment in Juul. On the plus side, it does not have much foreign exchange exposure, since it owns only the US rights to Philip Morris products. Altria is therefore a bet on the US market.

Is it a buy?

This isn’t so clear. To me, Altria’s investment in Juul is a good move, even at its high value. It’s overall business model seems to be intact, if dying without it’s investment in Juul. An investment in Altria without the Juul investment would have been a dividend play, but with it, there is now growth potential. If you were to invest in this stock, it is likely to stagnate for a while. But since it recently fell 30% in the last three months, mostly related to general market moves compounded by their investment announcements and regulatory scares, the price looks attractive at these levels relative to expected earnings. The P/E is at a 5 year low. Other valuation metrics are also at 5 year lows for the stock, suggesting it may be undervalued relative to the long run. I suggest waiting out until the next earnings call to hear what Altria has to say about its Juul investment. This is the key to any future investment decision. Sure, you might miss out on a current buying opportunity, but I think it’s too risky when you can wait to hear what management has to say. If the stock goes up on their discussion, no biggie. Plus, there is low downside risk since a lot of the negative factors I’ve listed, notably the on the regulatory front, are baked into the stock already. It’s all about long term growth.

It’s clear that there is a morality complex that comes along with an investment in Altria. The nice thing to remember is that whenever you buy a share of stock, its going to be from the secondary market. This means that you aren’t actually putting any money into the company, you are simply buying the rights to future earnings from someone else who may or may not have actually put money into the company’s bank account decades ago. This likely won’t dispel any moral issues for most investors, so at the very least one could look at Altria’s investment in Juul as taking a step to severely reduce the health hazards attached to a nicotine addiction, to say nothing about the taboo against addiction generally. In no way is it good that teens are getting addicted at young ages, especially from a psychological perspective (though we know how notoriously unreliable studies in that field are, both scientifically and statistically). For me, I look at Juul as a way to help people quit smoking, or be addicted without the vast majority of the health problems associated with smoking. It’s unfortunate that high schoolers find it cool, but at the same time, it’s not translating into cigarette use, a far worse alternative. At least, not yet. Teenagers have always found ways to do adult things adults don’t want them to do, whether it’s smoking, drinking, seeing R rated movies, or having sex. Maybe this will be one with far less problems (though there are reports of people who vaped so much that it caused seizures- not a good thing). It’s up to the investor, when it comes down to it, whether they feel good or not investing in a company whose sole purpose is feeding users’ addictions.

1/28/19 Update: Another thing to consider is the expected rate of e-cigarette cannibalization of traditional smoking. Sure, Altria’s investment in Juul will help offset the cannibalization it faces, but not only will this not be a perfect one-for-one switch given Altria’s loss only returns it a 35% share of profits from Juul, it also means that the costs to Altria might be felt much stronger in the short term even though it will make up for it in the long term. Putting it simply, it’s not clear if there is nothing but pain for Altria’s stock in the next couple years as people switch smoking preferences for current smokers (new nicotine addicts aren’t as much of a concern), even though it will be offset by the gains in their Juul investment in the long run. This could lead to years of stagnation or stock price depreciation before getting growth again, even in as Altria raises cigarette prices every year to combat the loss in unit sales. Investors should consider this macro trend when deciding on the timing of whether to invest in Altria, if at all. 

*I know the math doesn’t make sense: 1.5/2.3 ≠ 75%. But I’m going off the various statistics I found in news articles and some statistics databases on the industry.

[tiredbiplantlady]

I legitimately got Called The Fuck Out last night and tbh...I was grateful for it. I feel sick today a little because I’m worried slightly about what it means and the “what ifs” are still in my head, but I straight up got called manipulative, rightfully. Said I’m good at giving non-answers. No one has ever straight up just said that to me like that before, and it was kind of a big deal. “What you’re doing is manipulative.” 

I said I wasn’t doing it to be hurtful, but it comes from fear, which doesn’t make it okay either, but I wanted to explain. I said I withhold things expecting other people to take 5 steps before I’ll take 1 and that I need “proof” of the other person “really wanting to know” something before I’ll do it. You wanna know?? You really, really wanna know?? There’s control in that that shouldn’t be there. I said it was disingenuous and he said “very much so.” I said I knew I did these things, that didn’t want to do them anymore, but that I’ve been trying to change a lot very quickly and it takes time to figure things out. I apologized for what I did, and we agreed it was nice to be able to be straight up about things, but truth be told, I’m kinda shook by it and I’m resisting so hard the feeling of walking of eggshells with myself. Instead I am trying to forgive myself for it and keep moving forward, but that’s hard when all I’ve known is doing the Behavior and then Shaming myself when and if it ever gets pointed out, which then continues to manipulate people. I shame myself and viciously, verbally tear myself down because I then need relief that they still like me and care for me. I insult myself on one level because I genuinely do feel worthless and get stuck in self-deprecation from polarized thinking (I did something that wasn’t so good, so I must be All Bad), but I insult myself on another level because I’m waiting for someone to come in and rescue me from myself, to relieve the anxiety “they caused” by being honest with me. “Wow, she’s really hard on herself, I should apologize for being harsh or I should intervene and save her from the bully part of herself.” The healthy part of me sees all this and desperately doesn’t want to do it anymore. I completely realize the toxicity in that and chose to not react with self-insults because of that. Because I’m trying to change, and I’m proud of myself for not doing that and proud of myself for not losing myself in shame in my head either. 

He said he wasn’t perfect either, and “we’re all in this together” but he didn’t apologize for anything and also didn’t make a big deal of “forgiving me” - never said those words because I think to him, it was just a Thing and it’s something I have to deal with. Why forgive someone if they didn’t hurt you and you don’t need to? It becomes about them and “care taking” instead.  

I think I have created many, many, MANY patterns of manipulation and codependency in my life, at least half-created and maintained - it does take more than one person to have a codependent interaction. I think those things enable me to continue being manipulative because the people in it with me either don’t think it’s manipulative, think it’s normal, or have their own issues they’re trying to solve by saving me, or thinking they are. My mind is blown at the repeated pattern through my entire life that has allowed me to be manipulative. And just because you aren’t doing it to hurt someone and are doing it to feel relief doesn’t mean it’s not manipulative. Maybe being manipulative doesn’t mean being evil, but it does mean trying to force things. Maybe it does mean toxic patterns. 

I came to a very important realization last night I’m not going to forget: 

I manipulate other people (who have their own emotional damage that makes them my counterpart) into believing their worth comes from saving me (or fixing/healing/being everything to me) because I believe my worth comes from them believing I’m worth saving. And they are happy to oblige because they’re doing the same thing. That’s codependency. You need me because I give you something you can’t get without me, and I need you because without you, I’m worthless. So many other implications can be drawn from that: You need me, so I can use your fear of being without me to get what I want. I need you, so you can use my fear of abandonment to get what you want. You only love me if you’re afraid to lose me and vice versa. If your worth comes from saving me, what happens when I don’t want to be saved anymore? You aren’t saying “yes” with full knowledge to me because you feel like you can’t say “no”. If my worth comes from portraying myself as a victim and feeling worthwhile only when you’re dropping everything to come in and rescue me, what happens when you can’t? When you don’t want to anymore? I’m not saying “yes” when I feel like I can’t say “no” and “I cant live without you/I need you/please don’t leave me” stuff like that is toxic. Depending on someone to save me is toxic. Depending on someone to need you, to be useful, to be a savior is toxic. Power inequality is toxic in every way you frame it, and I’m tired of repeating the same pattern in different ways with different people over and over thinking if I just do the same thing differently, something different will happen. 

As much as it pains me to admit, I know deep down this is how I feel. Not only am I allowed to be manipulative, I’m enabling THEM to be manipulative without either of us realizing it. I come from an entire lineage of toxic relationships, emotional manipulation, and codependency. I have personality disordered people in my life and unfortunately I think I’m one of them, even if I feel I have a better understanding of myself than most of the people in my family. The familiarity of that has reinforced all the worst aspects of me and I repeatedly choose to involve myself, regress, and continue on like that because it’s easy when it’s familiar and hard to stop when those relationships make up most of those in your life. 

It’s not the time to fall apart making these realizations, no matter how much they hurt. I am manipulative, and I own that. I will not fall to pieces and die admitting it. I don’t need or want someone to save me by telling me I’m not, reframing it, or being an apologizer for my behavior. Even when I love someone, using them to “make” me feel whole, important, worthwhile is toxic. And I keep ending up with people who use me in similar ways, not to hurt me, but to fill a hole in themselves the same way I am. It doesn’t mean we don’t care for each other, but the problem of consent remains. And if I’m saying no to codependency, then I’m saying no to the relationship as it is right now. There is no other way to interpret that. If I say no to codependency, I cannot hypocritically continue being codependent with someone. I doesn’t mean that I don’t love someone, it means I need to set boundaries about what I can and can’t do, want to do and don’t want to do and be clear and firm about them. Because it shows that I respect myself and shows that I respect others enough to be honest with them. Shows that I’m willing to be up front so you can make the most informed choice you can about whether you want to be involved with me in any way or not. And you know that whatever you choose to do, I won’t fall apart from it causing you to feel the need to rescue. 

I’m doing the best I can with what I have and that’s really all a person can do. It’s a rocky path, totally unfamiliar to me, but over time it’ll get smoother and I’ll adapt. I desire to change and grow above all else so I can become a better person. I want to love and be loved unconditionally and codependency creates conditions. I will forever have conditions as long as I’m codependent, and it’s up to other people to decide if they are too, I’m making no claims about others’ journeys. I only speak for me and my experience. I want to grow and I don’t need to be afraid. It’s hard work and the unknown is scary. I need to be assertive, but understanding. I need to be authentic and know myself. I need to be direct and clear. I need to be accepting however things go. I will be honest and accept the consequences, easy and nice or difficult and painful, but I’ll know that I was true to myself and allowed other people to make the best decisions they could with all the information. 

[decadenttimetravelmentality-blog]

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"insurance quote report accident

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Young Driver Insurance?

Ok, here's what's going on. i am basically a new driver and have passed my test 18 march last year. the time has come for me getting a car, however the insurance premiums are ridiculously high. I have used the comparing websites, but they offer no real result, so I phoned a few up. This is what they gave me, I was asking for a quote, on an 04 Renault Clio 1.2 Dynamic with 3 doors. Co-operative insurance 4645 (Full Comp) Direct line Over 3000(Full Comp) (they wouldn't give an accurate result, I'd have to be transferred onto another dept.) Quinn Direct 6000 (Third party, Fire & Theft only, i was then informed that their premiums where increased) All in my own name and not under any parents, however it seems like the best option at the moment. I do know about a few companies that specialise in young driver insurance, one called Young Marmalade and another called i-Kube. Both are cheaper, but there are catches to policies, i-Kube requires you to have a GPS tracker fitted, if you drive passed 11PM at night a 100 Penalty is incurred, and for each night you drive past said time. with young marmalade you need to have the pass plus scheme. I also know that premiums are subject to a post code area rating. (CH 62) so if anyone could tell me where cheap insurance for this type of car is I would be great-full.""

How much would it cost to get a car?

Im 17 and have applied for my practical test but once i pass how much will it cost to get a car, insurance, tax and MOT. im not looking for a great car just a small car, a polo would be nice.""

""Young married couple, low cost health insurance with Rx?""

I'm going to get married soon (not RLY soon but i have to start thinking about some things in advance) and I have to get health insurance. I'm really confused by it but I've been doing some reading about it and some figures about the kind of finances we are going to have and all I really know at this point is that we can't afford more than 200 dollars per month and that has to include prescriptions and everything. My soon to be husband is really healthy, only real issue is near-sightedness. I'm a little more sickly, I have asthma and allergies and the same eye problems. I keep them all pretty much under control but I need my meds. What plan would be best for us so that we can keep costs low and still get me my Rx?""

insurance quote report accident

insurance quote report accident

How much would car insurance cost with a 2008 kia optima im 17 years old?

i get my lisence in 2 months i live in south florida and im gunna have to pay for my insurace so i need to know so i know how much im gunna have to work

Ive been looking into pet insurance and Im a bit confused.?

Ive been looking into pet insurance and Im a bit confused. When it says: wellness exam (split between two visits per year) $40 vaccinations $30 heartworm test $25 fecal test $15 deworming $20 microchip $20 flea and/or heartworm preventive $50 blood screen or x-ray or EKG $50 Is the dollar amount the price the insurance pays all year or per visit?

New Car/ New insurance...need it immediately?

I will be buying a car on Sunday. I am under my parent's insurance right now but will be getting my own when I get the new car. Do I need to get the new insurance policy before driving the car off the lot? How can I do this without the VIN number? I live in Florida.

Where can i get individual health insurance for me and my daughter that also covers pregnancy in connecticut?

I need to get health insurance for me and my 1 year old daughter. I am planning on becoming, or possibly already am pregnant but need insurance for us. Any help? This is in CT, so it is a state that does not require individual policies to cover pregnancy.""

What is an insurance deductible?

What exactly is a medical insurance deductible?

Is there a cheap insurance company for teen driver?

My mom cant drive... so she doesnt know much about insurance. Im about to get my license and I was wondering if there's a type of insurance that is cheap and not too pricey... specially with a mom who doesn't have a high paying job?!?! I live in Texas if that helps

Can insurance company tell you were you can have your car fixed?

I have had a few cases were a relative has been in an auto accident and I could have fixed the car for them and done a much better job but the insurance company tells them they have to take the car to a preferred body shop for the insurance to pay. Can the insurance company actually tell people were to get their car fixed now a days? Is there a way to get the money out of the insurance company so they can take the car and have it fixed were they want the car fixed?

Do I qualify for unemployment insurance in California?

I worked a full time temp job that only lasted 4 months. From May to September. I m wondering if that is enough to qualify for unemployment insurance in California?

Average Insurance Price For 08 Ninja ZX10r?

I am 21 years old and was thinking of buying a new zx10. Its 999 cc's, i dont have any violations within 3 years i have a garage and practically no crime neighborhood. The reason im asking is ive done 4 online quotes and they are all like 500 a month which is impossible to afford. Im just looking for the least possible amount if any one has any helpful info id appreciate your feedback.""

Car insurance for a teen?

I was wondering if a minor can have their own insurance plans, like not under their parents name? And what is a good company for car insurance for teens (cheap) ? Thanks!""

How can I get the lowest car insurance payment?

I am 25. I want to buy a cheap car with one way insurance. thanks a lot

Car Insurance for 16 Year old Boy in CA?

I am looking to buy a car, I had a list of all these cars... but then when I had a quote put on them... I was shocked. I was looking at BMW 325i, Jeep Cherokee, and Mitshubishi Montero... each costing around 2500 for full coverage. What car brand or type would have a relatively low insurance cost for my age and gender group?""

Teen car insurance price?

I want an idea of my monthly insurance cost now that I have my license and a car. Here are the details I'm male and 16 years old I live in the North Hills outside of Pittsburgh (pretty basic suburbs) The car is a '93 Pontiac grand am. 90k miles on the engine I'm the third owner Good condition with some rust just starting to form on the wheel wells I am the primary driver It is usually kept outside

I let my car insurance lapse....will i get in trouble?

my car insurance is lapsed right now. i know when you sign up for insurance they always ask its been lapsed. when i say yes, which i ll tell the truth cuz they ll find out anyways, what will they do? will i be in trouble?""

What's a classic British car that's cheap and insurable for a learner?

Cheaper than a mini or morris minor.

Car insurance for minors?

Abt how much would insurance cost me. Am 17 wit a drivers licence and I live in Texas ? Thanks:)

What is the safest cheapest car to buy and also for cheapest insurance as a first car?

What is the safest cheapest car to buy and also for cheapest insurance as a first car?

Whats the Cheapest Motorcycle to insurance for 2014?

Hello, I am researching on what is the cheapest motorcycle to insure this year. I'm also curious what is a good bike for a beginning rider. I've been looking at a couple of questions regarding this subject, and I notices some of these questions are a few years back. I am curious to know, because I am considering getting a bike. But before I can, I want to get all my ducks in a row, and research as much as I can, so I can make the best possible decision. Further details on myself. I'm a male, age 24, I have my driver licenses, I live in California, but I barely have any driver experiences. Not even a year worth. So I'm already predicting the rate will be high for me. In every sense of the word I am a novice. So any helpful tips for a person just starting out to ride motorcycles, would greatly be appreciated. Also Bonus What Insurance should I look for, for a beginner like me?""

Insurance rates were lower in california - for car?

i always have a california car insurance and see that it is always lower when compared to other states.. why is that.. on the other hand,i have always heard that car gettting stolen is highest in californiaso so i guess the insurance premium should be higher then why""

How do you figh no insurance ticket?

if you get into an accident without insurance, how do you fight it both the police and the insurance.""

Insurance- dui-?

if i get convicted of a dui- my insurance will go up correct, the question i have is how long will i be paying the higher premium? 10 years? 5 years? 1 year? and also what is the avergae price it goes up considering i am 23 years old no tickets or accidents till the dui accident(hit a tree) live in southern california and drive a mustang gt i pay 160 with the accident right now(i think i paid 100-125ish before the accident. thanks""

Help with car insurance please :)?

Around how much would car insurance for a 'W REG VW BEETLE 3 DOOR HATCH BACK 2.0L PETROL' be? I am a young driver too. Thank you :)

Does anyone know of an affordable insurance company for an individual (major insur. companies preferrably)?

I am an individual contractor and in need of a health and dental insurance. There are so many to choose from and I don't know which ones I should be focusing on. Lower deductibles and higher copay better? What's an ideal payment each month? $200? $150? I need help.

How much might they charge me for no insurance ticket in wyandot ks?

was following my boyfreind in my brothers car and I took a wrong exit near the speedway. I went down stateline rd looked for a gas station for directions. Found a gas station to ask for directions and the guy did not speak understandable english so tired and lost I took off down the road and forgot to turn my head lights on was puulled over and given a ticket for the lights and it turns out that my brother did not have insurance on the car and that I had forgot my purse way down in pittsburg. I am being told that I may have to pay a $1200 fine and get some weird insurance that cossts $300 or more a month and that it is possible htat they will take my liscense away. This can't be rite?!!? I have a clean driving record and only make $250 a month can't hardly pay rent. Sombody who knows awnser please!!!!!

Do you have to have car insurance for all of your vehicles (California- read more for details)?

I live in California and I understand that by law here you have to have car insurance; at least minimum coverage that is. But does this apply to all cars regardless of whether you even drive them on the street or not? The reason why I ask this is because I have a 1971 Chevy Camaro SS which I bought from my father about a year ago (He basically gave it to me, but I didn't want to look spoiled in front of my sister so I gave him $2,000 for it). I did have it insured for the first year thinking it probably wouldn't cost me much, but now I really regret getting it insured since it costed me nearly a fortune this year alone. And the thing that really sucks is that I've never even driven it yet since it still needs a lot of tuning up (and unfortunately I don't have enough time to fix it up since I'm usually a very busy person). Do you think it's possible to uninsure my camaro since it's not even drivable yet? I mean it's not like I'm going to hit a car or something with it since it's just sitting in my garage the whole time. I would ask my insurance agent about this, but I never really trusted them. (They were the ones that persuaded me to get it insured in the first place without even telling me whether I had to or not)""

insurance quote report accident

insurance quote report accident

Can i get Money back from my car insurance company?

I paid my 1 year car insurance, my insurance started in january, im planning to sell my car in august. can i get any money back from my insurer? I am 23 and Paid around 1200 Thanks""

Disability Insurance?

If I have disability insurance through my job and I also have independent disability insurance, will each insurance pay me the amount I am entitled too if I was to become disabled?""

How important is having health insurance in usa and why?

Why health insurance has more importance in usa ?Is it mandated in usa?what are the differences in insurance when compared with India?

Does a spoiler on a car raise the insurance?

does having a spoiler on a car made it into a sports car and thus raise insurance?

Best life insurance company?

Best life insurance company?

What does this dental insurance code mean?

The code is 42560 and it's by the insurance company equitable life insurance company of Canada . So what does this dental insurance code mean? How much will they cover for the gum graft? It's only one tooth that I need to have done for 600$. It's medical not cosmetic.

What is a insurance and tell me about it?

tell me about different types of insurances

Need med insurance preexisting conditiion?

need a knee replacement no insurance and don't qualify for medical ...what do you do ? O no job either. do people just walk in to a hospital and say fix me pay later l

Insurance for teenagers?

So i'm gonna get my car/license in a month and i was wondering how much insurance was on average for teens?? Also, how much would it be if i got a sports car? Like a mustang""

Can you still get bundle insurance with a DWI?

I just like to know if it is possible to get a bundle insurance and the discount with a DWI? My family has a bundle policy for both car and house. Recently, my auto insurance was ...show more""

Which is the best company to provide affordable individual health insurance? or best way to getting one?

Which is the best company to provide affordable individual health insurance? or best way to getting one?

How much does full coverage auto insurance for new drivers usually cost?

How much does full coverage auto insurance for new drivers usually cost?

What is the cheapest auto insurance for undr 25's in Texas?

Please provide me with the web address if possible.

What do I do with the rejected health insurance benefits California?

rejected by Blue Cross and Blue Shield/

""And finally, would you be willing to pay more for your medical insurance if you knew for a fact?

people less well off then you would have a better chance at life.

Roughly how much is car insurance for a peugeot??

please help, i only want roughly""

What reputable health insurance companies are out there?

What reputable health insurance companies are out there My mom doesn't have health insurance and my job doesn't give insurance to family members. I would like to pay monthly to a health insurance company so my mom could get health check up when she needs it. Do you know any health insurance companies that can accept low monthly payments since I don't get paid that much?

K what insurance is the best?

car insurance. ?

Home loan insurance plan v/s life insurance plan?

how the home loan insurance plan is better/worse than the life insurance plan ? I am to buy a house in india, and can't decide which insurance to go for.. a home loan insurance or a life insurance..""

How long does it take for a speeding ticket to affect my insurance rate?

I got a speeding ticket this week, and it says I have to wait 3-4 weeks for the courtesy notice with the bail info. I'm just wondering how soon this might affect my insurance rate (i.e. after the citation is processed?). P.S. Can you request traffic school to remove a point for speeding?""

Insurance????????

We have insurance right now, but my husband was offered a job on friday but has questions before taking it. I have not been to the doctor yet so can I wait to go to the doctor until the new insurance kicks in and it will be covered?""

Car insurance for teenagers?

Im 18 and I own a used car. Never a trouble maker. I have a part time job. I want to know what insurance I can get for my car that is affordable.

Non-owner car insurance?

Where can I get non-owner liability car insurance for myself? I am 18 years old and my dad wants me to get this insurance because I don't own a car, I just drive my parents cars. I can find it on any insurance websites. Links would be nice =]""

Renters insurance for apartments?

When renting an apartment at a complex or apartment building, is renters insurance always mandatory?""

""Car insurance cancelled,what to do?""

I've had car insurance for around 5 months and because i was late on 2 payments they have cancelled my insurance today. i'e looked for an alternative insurance but because i had it cancelled nobody will take me on. is there any other options,surely somebody being late doesnt mean they cant ever get to drive again??""

insurance quote report accident

insurance quote report accident

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/i-cash-out-my-universal-life-insurance-policy-have-pay-brandon-welch/"

[megannifranklyn]

I came across Bruce Lipton years ago when he released the book ‘The Biology of Belief’. I am fascinated with the subconscious mind and how our thoughts create our reality.  This guy just merges science with spirituality, quite like a lot of other high profile science guys (Gregg Braden, Dr Joe Dispenza etc) who have realised the power of our heart.

A little bit about him –

Bruce H. Lipton, Ph.D., a pioneer in the new biology, is an internationally recognized leader in bridging science and spirit. A cell biologist by training, Bruce was on the faculty of the University of Wisconsin’s School of Medicine and later performed groundbreaking stem-cell research at Stanford University. He is the best-selling author of The Biology of Belief and received the 2009 prestigious Goi Peace Award (Japan) in honor of his scientific contribution to world harmony. Website: www.brucelipton.com

  He has discovered that our subconscious is running the show and the beliefs have been installed from the age of 0-7.  We can reprogramme our mind so don’t freak out, this is where mindfulness comes in, heart focused breathing, practicing compassion for ourselves and others, feeling gratitude for every little thing and much more.   We all want to live happier, fearless, purposeful lives and Bruce is here to share with us what he has learned from his own experiences and from his scientific research.

This was one of my favourite more recent interview with Bruce Lipton so please watch this as you will be drawn into his joy, passion, and complete enthusiasm for this subject.

My notes from Bruce Lipton videos and what I find useful in developing a happier healthier life.

 BE MINDFUL??We need to find out what our programming is? from 0-7.  You may wonder how you can tell what these programmes are as you cant remember such a young age.  You simply look at your life now and you can tell what sort of programming you had installed.  What works and what doesn’t.  Look at the programme that you run like – Programme of weakness, programme of limitation, programme of victim, my programme that I need to suffer in order to help others..or programmes that I am unlucky in love or programmes I loose at all games.

Then you look at how you change these programmes.

The conscious mind is creative, you can read a book and gain knowledge, or learn to drive a car or paint a picture. The subconscious mind is a recorder and plays back just like a  recorder.  That means it learns in a different ways.  The first 7 years your brain is working at a low level frequency called Theta which is like hypnosis so a child up until 7 is recording everyone’s behaviour from those around us.  But after the age of 7 we learn from repeating and practicing.  Like how do we learn the times tables at school, well we repeat and repeat until it sinks into our subconscious mind.

New age sort of people say FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT… because repetition forms the habit.  So just fake it till you make it every day that programming is installed.  Repeat Repeat Repeat

Rapid relief change – Energy Psychology? Super Learning – what exactly is it? Like speed reading you can reprogramme your mind a lot quicker.  Woweee..changing our belief in 5 minutes..this is just out of this world amazing and I shall list the many at the bottom of blog.

We cant talk to the subconscious mind as there is no one in there, look at it just like a recorder, a mechanism so we cant just say what we are going to change.

The body is like a robot and the brain is the controller but the brain has a programme and the brain has a spirit.  When it runs from the spirit we can create heaven on earth.  When it runs from the programme we create whatever the hell the programme says it is.

Look at the world, we have been separated for thousands of years by people competing against each other and look how it is turning out, it is causing our own extinction.   We are all one and we need to live like this with compassion and living from our heart

The heart reads energy, Quantum Physics says we are all energy.  IF my heart says wow I would love that – that means the energy says that from the heart.  How do you feel about this? Energy is a feeling, Your heart will give you three answers – I don’t like that, I don’t wanna do that or I don’t much care.  Always do the rational thinking but the last decision must come from the heart – if the feeling says you are gonna gain more energy then go for it but if your heart says no then go away from it  The answer is your heart and is the reading of energy.  Thinking followed by feeling.

Heart Math breathing – This is a tool I have and love.  Energy can come together and pair up and make more energy, called good vibes and bad vibes.  We have been so programmed to think of the material world instead of the vibrational world.  Quantum physics is the most valid science on earth.  The field, the energy is the most important aspect of our lives.  The heart, Love is the energy, the  highest form of energy.

Okay so I said I would list the Energy healing modalities that Bruce has posted on his page and I am amazed at how many there are.  I deal in energy healing and practice quite a few of these but I cannot wait to investigate some of the others.

Belief Change and Energy Psychology Modalities

Psych-K

PSYCH-K is a set of principles and processes designed to change subconscious beliefs that limit the expression of your full potential as a divine being having a human experience. From Bruce Lipton: “I teach with Rob Williams the orginator of PSYCH-K. This is the modality that I use personally and with which I am most familiar.”

Core Health

Why don’t they look for what is right with me?” Core Health is a non-cultural, non-religious expansion of our inborn core of health — what is right in us! Advancing from studying disease to understanding Health, this innovative process moves beyond treating symptoms to Truly Freeing each individual by internal energetic decisions. Core Health leaps to the core of pure health, removing energy distortions for free flow of positive energy. The highly-effective DTQ Process (Deeply, Thoroughly, Quickly) dynamically achieves precise, experienced, permanent re-activation of a person’s innate healthy core.

Body Talk Systems

BodyTalk is an astonishingly simple and effective form of therapy that allows the body’s energy systems to be re-synchronized so that they can operate as nature intended. Each system, cell and atom is in constant communication with each other at all times. Through exposure to the stresses of day-to-day life, these lines of communication become compromised, which then leads to a decline in physical, emotional and/or mental health. Reconnecting these lines of communication then enables the body’s mechanisms to function at optimal levels, thus preventing disease and rapidly accelerating the healing process. BodyTalk can be used as a stand-alone system to treat many health problems, or seamlessly integrated into any health care system to increase its effectiveness and promote faster healing.

Emotional Freedom Technique

Based on impressive new discoveries regarding the body’s subtle energies, Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) has been proven successful in thousands of clinical cases. It applies to just about every emotional, health and performance issue you can name and it often works where nothing else will.

Resonance Repattering

Quantum Change made easy. The Resonance Repatterning System – Resonance Repatterning System is an energy process which can help you identify and clear the patterns of energy underlying any issue, problem or pain you are experiencing.

Inner Resonance Technologies

IRT has 7 brief steps that facilitate you in making certain inner agreements that set the conditions to allow your own automatic system to rebalance and harmonize itself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, transforming all parts of your life.

Instant Emotional Healing

Instant Emotional Healing: Acupressure for the Emotions, by Peter T. Lambrou, Ph.D. and George J. Pratt, Ph.D. Drs. Pratt and Lambrou have created a book that explains the foundations of a new branch of therapy call energy psychology.

Neurolink’s Neurological Integration System

NIS is based upon the neurophysiology principle that the brain governs optimum function of all the body systems. Prioritized treatment protocols are used to assess the function of all the body’s systems, and all the factors that have or could translate themselves to symptoms.Neurolink’s protocols leverage the brain’s profound ability to restore the body and all its systems to full potential.

Silva Ultramind System

The Silva UltraMind Seminar is the pinnacle of the work of Jose Silva, developed in the late 90s – just shortly before Mr. Silva passed away in 1999. The Silva UltraMind System trains you to use your mind to such a powerful extent that within a few days you are able to demonstrate ESP and influence healing in others. We also teach you how to identify your mission in life and to use the power of your creative mind, to propel you toward this goal.

The Healing Codes

Now, you can discover how to: * Super Charge your immune system. * Help your body heal itself. * Turn on your natural healing systems to heal your pain, stress, fear, depression and disease. * Turn your body’s cells from Protect Mode to Growth Mode. In growth mode, your body’s cells can protect you from or heal almost anything.

The Henddricks Institute

Resources for conscious living and loving.

NetMindBody

The Neuro Emotional Technique (NET) is a powerful intervention that can assess and alleviate the internal stressors that are creating barriers to health and success.

Holosync

The lazy man’s way to meditate. Listening to this amazing, scientifically proven brain technology gives you all the benefits of meditation — in a fraction of the time — easily and effortlessly.

Lifeflow Meditation

Thousands of people worldwide are experiencing tremendous benefits with the scientifically proven, cutting edge technology of the most powerful personal growth and mind improvement system ever.

Embody Truth

The nature of this work is to ‘use techniques’ to have a direct experience of yourself, to achieve healing trauma, developing core essence, higher and more embodied states of consciousness and a more sovereign and heart-centered presence.

Rosen Method

Rosen Method is distinguished by its gentle, direct touch. Using hands that listen rather than manipulate, the practitioner focuses on chronic muscle tension. As relaxation occurs and the breath deepens, unconscious feelings, attitudes, and memories may emerge.

The Body Code System of Natural Healing

By learning “The Body Code System for Ultimate Energy Healing and Body Balancing System”, you will gain tools to help yourself by releasing the blocks that hold you back from being totally healthy, from being successful in business, and from finding love and happiness in your life. You will be much better able to find and correct the underlying imbalances that are preventing you from having the health and happiness that may be currently avoiding you!

The Journey

The Journey is now recognized internationally as one of the most powerful healing processes available, accessing the body’s own healing wisdom at the deepest level of ‘source’ or the soul.

Eric Pearl and the Reconnective Healing

Discover how to immediately access new frequencies of healing.

Rapid Eye Technology

Rapid Eye Technology is a natural, safe way to release stress and trauma by simulating REM sleep, your body’s own natural release system. This powerful quick release happens without reliving the trauma. Accessing the whole mind/body system while in an awake state allows you to be in control of your own journey.

Consciousness 2.0

Your whole system can be upgraded. When you upgrade your programming, you will uninstall fear, judgment, limitation, struggle and pain programming. Install your Highest True Self consciousness, programmed for compassion, joy, unity and abundance.

The Sedona Method

The Sedona Method is a unique, simple, powerful, easy-to-learn and duplicate technique that shows you how to uncover your natural ability to let go of any painful or unwanted feeling, belief or thought in the moment.

The RIM Method

The RIM Method is a quick and effective way of Re-generating Images in Memory to accelerate emotional and physical healing. Guides you along the RIM between head and heart, mind and body for greater health, fulfillment and success.

Metodo One Soul

In honor of G.Stokes e D. Whiteside. A gentle emotional rebalancing that emphasizes on the individual power to integrate Body, Mind and Soul, using muscle testing to identify blocked awareness caused by negative emotional stress.

Emotional Transformation

Emotional Transformation German

(aka EmoTrance) will help you cope with emotional reactions, resolve emotional programming, and transform blocked emotional energy into a hard to describe exhilaration. You are not at the mercy of feelings like anger, rage, disappointment, exhaustion, overwhelm etc. If you can sense where in your body an emotion manifests then the proverbial lump in your throat can be dissolved or gut-wrenching events can be turned into happiness with Emotional Transformation — often surprisingly quickly.

InnerTalk Technology

InnerTalk Technology is a patented technology that has been researched by numerous independent universities and institutions and been demonstrated effective at priming how you speak to yourself and is designed in such a way that the change you desire begins from within as a result of changing the way you talk to yourself, and thereby your expectation and attitude.

ThetaHealing

ThetaHealing® teaches how to put to use our natural intuition, relying upon unconditional love of Creator Of All That Is to do the actual “work”.

Transform Your Beliefs

Clear Your Beliefs is a do-it-yourself program for clearing your negative and limiting beliefs at the core of the psyche. Through the gentle process of guided imagery, you will be brought into direct contact with your subconscious mind.

Hypnoenergetics

Hynoenergetics is the blending of the Four Dimensions; The Physical Presence, The Emotional Landscape, The Spiritual Being and The Energy Field into one healing philosophy allows for deep personal transformation at all levels.

R.E.A.P

Remote Energetic Alignment Process, is a healing method that diminishes physical and emotional illness and conditions by bringing you into balance and alignment with the energy of source and therefore your natural state of well-being and happiness.  This is accomplished by using techniques that resonate with 10 specific body areas.  When these areas are activated, your body’s systems are strengthened and your emotions are balanced. The end result aligns you with who-you-really-are which awakens you to a joyful new sense of self and of purpose and brings you energy and vitality.

Innerwise

Innerwise is a simple to learn and use diagnostic, healing and coaching system founded by German MD Uwe Albrecht 20 years ago. Worldwide more than 140,000 people are using innerwise to help and treat themselves, clients, relationships, living spaces, and businesses.

PBSP

Pesso Boyden System Psychomotor (PBSP) is the most advanced therapeutic system available for emotional re-education or reprogramming.

Cranial Release Technique

CRT represents a true advancement in cranial based health care. This single procedure, which takes only minutes to perform, has the potential to make a very real and exciting difference in the way you practice.

Family Constellations

Family Constellations are for individuals, couples and families interested in resolving life issues and looking to find a solid foundation for new direction in their lives.

Energy Therapy

Energy Therapy focuses on educating others to realise the energetic basis of all life, providing a wealth of resources in energy healing and conscious living to their worldwide community.  People return to deeper health and wholeness through in-person and online energy healing sessions, coaching and spiritual guidance, and through their diverse programme of energy healing courses, workshops and retreats. You can also enjoy their free online library of yoga, energy medicine, health and conscious living articles.

Thought Field Therapy

TFT Tapping provides the emotional freedom to move forward in every area of your life. Tap away your stress, anxiety and fear and live life with clarity and peace of mind.

Somatic Pattern Recognition

Somatic Pattern Recognition teaches you to perceive your body and its relationship with the gravitational field of Earth and helps you to make small adjustments in the way you move and how you are in your body which allow the greater force of gravity to support you.

  Bruce Lipton – Change Your Programming I came across Bruce Lipton years ago when he released the book 'The Biology of Belief'. I am fascinated with the subconscious mind and how our thoughts create our reality. 

[love-transparentstudentarca-blog]

How much will my insurance go up?

"How much will my insurance go up?

I got in a fender bender and my car is now totaled, this is because my car is supposedly not worth as much as a hood and a radiator, but I plan on getting my 02 xg350l fixed. But about the wreck is was completely my fault but I was only cited no ticket, how much more will I have to pay considering no ticket was issued? I am 17 this is my first wreck and I live in Washington if that helps. Thank you.

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://insureinfo.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

RELATED QUESTIONS: 

Who do you pay insurance broker or car insurance company?

I have applied for car insurance through light house, which is a car insurance broker. I have been told to pay a certain amount to a loan company. Today I have received a notice from Allstate about my policy and I need to come up with almost 1700$ by the 9th. I'm so confused and of course no one is open tomorrow. Is the loan to help me pay my car insurance or am I paying two different people.""

Surgery and insurance?

if my surgery is going to cost me $3,500..and i have a $5,000 dollar deductible on my insurance..then i can't use my insurance can i? =(.. pretty much i have to pay for the surgery..BUTTTT if my surgery was let's say about $7,000.. then that means insurance company would pay $5000 and i would pay the rest of $2000 rightttt???? sorry...i'm just trying to understand this and make sure""

Breach Car Loan Insurance?

The bank that finances my car requires me to hold 1000 deductible. I currently dont have insurance because the lowest rate i can get is 650 . Thats half of what I make a month . What should I do . Has anyone ever been in this situation ?

Lamborghini gallardo?

what is the fuel economy and the insurance and the repair will cost a Lamborghini gallardo per month

No health insurance?

I don't have health insurance anymore because my COBRA coverage is over now. Because I have a pre-existing condition other health care companies won't take me. I have tried to find a job that offer health insurance, but seems very difficult right now. Because I own half of the house where I live. I been told that I cant qualify for any low income health care services. I don't know what to do? I dont even have a job, and Im considered well off to qualify for something. Have anybody out had this problem? I live in California.""

The best insurance company to work for?

I'm looking for a job in the insurance industry and curious what company offers the best potential for a good income? over six figures the first year is my target and looking to pursue sales.

Can anyone give me a rough estimate on car insurance?

Im a male driver under 20. I have had one crash before (in my mums car) and no other troubles. Im planning on buying a 2001 Hyundai for 6,000. Its a pretty standard car, that is pretty tidy. What sort of insurance am i looking at per month for this car?""

Insurance for 21 year old driver?

I live in Newcastle and I am trying to get a car soon. I am not a UK resident so I have recently acquired UK full DL. Is it cheaper to insure than first-time drivers as a 17 year old? I am an experienced driver and have had California State Driver License for 5 years and now I am settled down here so I thought I might as well get a license here. I do know that overseas insurance no claim's are not really relevant around here, nor I want to bring my records down to UK and try to bargain cause I do not have great driving records to be precise. So this is my question, would a 21 year old male first-time UK licensed driver be able to get cheaper insurance than a 17 year old male at the same position? If I want to spend less than 2,000 per annum on third party only, what insurance group of cars should I look at? (Every question asked is not asking for accurate info, asking for general knowledge which I need) Thanks in advance!""

Where can I find cheap insurance at 17 years old with car modifications...?

Hi, i'm about to turn 17, will have a year 2000 renault clio, and would like to know where the cheapest place for car insurance is. The only modifications I want is new back light covers and a CD player. Directline do not insure 17 year olds with modifications. Not even with a different CD player... Thanks""

How much roughly will it cost me to get insure on a Volkswagen Golf?

I'm a 17 year old boy, just wanting a ROUGH ESTIMATE on how much it will cost me to get insured on a Volkswagen Golf 1.8 litre.""

Insurance for my baby?

I am researching insurance options for my baby. The baby will be born in few months. I know that the baby will be insured 30 days after he is born. This is my question. Should I find an individual plan for the baby or should I add the baby to my insurance? I did not even know one can add the baby to an existing insurance. I am just trying to find the best deal. If I have to have an individual plan for the baby, I am looking only for Blue Cross or Blue Shield of California (PPO only). If you have any suggestions, please share. Thank you""

Teenager car insurance?

Hi there. I have heard that there are special companies out there that deal specifically with teenage car insurance. I am 17, own my own car, and will have a stand-alone policy. Does anyone know names of these companies? I live in Ontario, Canada. So far, the cheapest company I found was Bel-Air Direct, with an annual premium of $3100 CAD. Thanks people!!""

What CAR Should A First Driver GET ? Also What Company For The Insurance To Be The Cheapest ?

Passed My Driving Test 2 Days Ago ! I am 22 ! what car should i get that is cheap on insurance too ? Please give me the names and for the insurance companies :)) Thanku

How can immigrants over 65 afford health insurance in the United States?

Federal employee looking to rotate back to the States and take my in-laws who are 73 and 75. Cannot get Medicare until they have been in the U.S. for five years Any suggestions?

How much will the Insurance cost me for A 1999 Mitsubishi Eclipse ?

I am 17, and I was thinking about my first car, and I've been doing some research and I love the Mitsubishi Eclipse and I can afford to buy one since $1000-9000 is in my price range, I found a perfect 1999 Black Mitsubishi Eclipse is great condition for $6,999, but since I'm a new driver insurance will not be easy but I don't want to take full coverage I just want PiP. Anyone that works at an insurance company that could help or anyone who knows how insurance works answer my question.""

How much would i pay for car Insurance?

How much would i pay for car Insurance for cheap car that cost me honda accord 2000,I am 28 Years old, never been in any accident,I got my license 8 years ago""

Car insurance before uni this september?

hi, i'm 18 and my car insurance has recently expired, and now i'm looking to get it insured short-term, for about 3 months because i'm hopefully going to university this september. could anyone recommend me a car insurance firm which will insure under 21s at a competitive price? thanks!""

Advantages and disadvantages to insurance companies choosing to be on price comparison websites?

In a particular country, price comparison websites have just arrived to compare insurance products. Companies are not obliged to have their prices quoted on a price comparison website but if they do a commission is paid on any sales through the website. For motor insurance there are a number of companies supplying insurance. Of these insurance companies, company A has chosen not to be on comparison websites but company B has decided to be on the websites. Explain possible reasons for these companies decisions.""

I have liability insurance on my vehicle...?

and early this morning as I was driving out of a parking structure I hit a light that I didn't see. I got out out of the vehicle to see any damages, there ware scratches on the front bumper, and the light appears to be fine but inside the light compartment, it was damaged, the bulb fell out of its place, the whole inside of the light was cracked. Will my insurance cover this? I tried calling my insurance and they're aren't answering. If they do, what do I do next? Go to a repairshop? Go to my insurance agent? WHAT?! If they won't, how much do you think it will cost to repair the light and the bumper? There are not dents, just scratches.""

I have a question about a my car insurance PLEASE HELP ME?

Okay I was in a car accident on May 7th. I was going north towards main street. there was a vehicle in front of me. The vehicle in front of me merge to left as if he was waiting for someone to come outside. He didn't have no signal light or hazards lights on. So I merge to the right pass him so the guy must didn't see me so he hit my right front end bumper, headlight, and door. So I didn't have my insurance in the car so I got a ticket and the other guy had a ticket because he didn't have insurance. On the police report it said he had a left sgnal light to turn in is driveway. Just to remind you that the vehicle doesn't belong to the driver and he had a NY license. My insurance liability told that he couldn't contact the other guy to see if he had insurance and send him letters. So he told he's going to put it's not at fault but I have to pay for a $500 deductible. But WHY?????? if he didn't look at the cars but he's going to basis on paper work. Is that wrong? or should I look into some more??????? HELP ME""

Help finding very very cheap car insurance please?

i live in florida (miami) is there anyone that can give me a legit site that provides me car insurance for the cheapest price possible? what i mean by legit is no scams or anything, and an address where i can personally go to visit the insurance agency for the papers.""

Life insurance for police officers?

Can police officers get extended life insurance to cover death on the job? If so, how much - 5 million?""

Does getting insurance quotes ruin your credit score?

I've been going to a number of different insurance agencies but I'm wondering if them checking my credit score is pulling my rating down?

Affordable health insurance plans?

The company where I work has just informed me that they will be canceling our medical benefits at the end of this month. What are some decent plans that I can get on my own that arent too expensive. I was paying $100.00 per month thru my job and would like to keep my premium around the same. I live in Wisconsin. Thanks for any advice.

Auto insurance pricing for newly licensed 16 year old male driver?

Turning 16 soon and will need a car. I'm looking into getting a 2006 Mazda 6 with 100,000 miles on it. I live in Ohio and will basically be using it for driving around town, possibly to a job in the future of course (if it's still running). As a newly licensed driver, would any of you know how much the insurance would possibly cost? I'm a B average student with a 3.0 GPA average as well, if that has any an effect on the cost.""

How much will my insurance go up?

I got in a fender bender and my car is now totaled, this is because my car is supposedly not worth as much as a hood and a radiator, but I plan on getting my 02 xg350l fixed. But about the wreck is was completely my fault but I was only cited no ticket, how much more will I have to pay considering no ticket was issued? I am 17 this is my first wreck and I live in Washington if that helps. Thank you.

Car insurance trouble?

i had posted this question earlier just not in the right way.so i have a car and its not under my name because im so young to have a new car with insurance under my name so its all under my aunts name. the insurance and everything else is in her name but its my car.so i have to go on a business trip to Vegas and my aunts flipping out!!! because she says i cant take the car because the insurance its not in my name and the car isnt either so im just really frustrated trying to figure out what to do besides flying?can she buy insurance for a couple days so i can go?

Who Pays For Your Medical Insurance?

Another one...who pays for your medical insurance?? The place i work for pays for my full coverage with NO out of pocket expence on my part and NO money taken out of my paycheck? Does your company also pay for you or do you have to pay some out of pocket money?? If i had a choice i choose them to dock me my half hour lunch as long as they are paying for my medical insurance..thats more important to me..What do you think??

""I hit accidentally a car on the back,no damages.Did my insurance will go up?""

I hit the car in the back,but was no damages in the cars.She will contact my insurance ,didi they will increase my payment?""

Insurance Card?

Is it true that your insurance company can refuse to cover you if you didn't have possession of your card in the car at the time of the accident? This is what I was told by a police officer at the scene. (I have a valid insurance policy, but I just didn't have the card there.)""

How can you get dental insurance when you can't afford dental insurance?

My husband and I have health coverage, but it doesn't include dental insurance. So we have to pay our dental bills out of pocket. That was okay until I started needed expensive procedures, like root canals and crowns. Last year we paid for a root canal ($1000) and this year we paid for a root canal ($1100) and both of those teeth still need crowns (which will cost $1000 apiece). Since we were still paying the bills on my root canals I put off having the crowns done until those bills were clear. Now today my tooth broke so I'm going to have to have that crown done. Is there ANY way to escape this? I feel like I'll lose my teeth just because I'm not lucky enough to be rich. Do you know of any kind of affordable dental insurance that will take care of procedures like root canals or crowns or oral surgery? (My dentist wants me to have THAT done too for an impacted wisdom tooth.) I want a healthy mouth. But I can't afford it. Is there anyone that helps people like me? Thank you. Nita""

How much will i pay for health insurance?

im a 46 year old man

Has anybody else got a days car insurance on another person's car?

Hi all I'm just wondering if I could get 1 day car insurance on my grandmas car because my car has broke down its just I have got tickets booked and paid for a theme park this weekend even thow I'm fully comp and my grandma is I can't drive any other car because off my age I'm 22 she said I can borrow it to get there and back but I'm gonna be really gutted if I can't go and do you think I could get a days insurance for my grandmas car thanks guys I'm insures with the AA

What happens if i cancel by car insurance?

I have recently turned 17 and can start driving in the UK. There is obviously a large difference between insurance quotes for my car depending on whether i hold a provisional license or a full license. While i am on a provisional i can get a quote for 620 with Quinn-Direct but this will go up to 2000+ after i pass my test. What happens if i buy my insurance then cancel it when i pass my test and get a quote from elsewhere, (I can get one for 1400) will i get a percentage of my money back or will it just be lost? Cheers Rob""

Do you need insurance on a leased car?

Easy question...do you need insurance on a leased car? I heard that the company you are leasing from takes care of it.

How much would would Car Insurance be for a 17 year old male?

Im a student, want to take my test. If i pass it how much do you reckon driving insurance will be. Say if i registered it under my mums insurance. i wanit a car for university so i can drive home quickly and easily. How much would it be under my mums insurance and how much would it be if i got thee smallest engine (Vauxhal Corsa or Citroen C2) for example...""

What insurance company in California will insure me when wood is my primary heat source?

What insurance company in California will insure me when wood is my primary heat source?

Can someone give me advice on whether to get a 50 or 125cc scooter and how much insurance will cost for both?

I am a 15 year old boy who lives in Italy. Here at the age of 14 you can get a 50cc and at the age of 16 you can get a 125cc. My birthday is in 6 months ( January ), should I wait till then and get 125cc or should I just get a 50cc now ? Taking in to consideration that snow comes to Italy at about at January and that 50 cc is cheaper and safer than a 125cc. And how much would the insurance cost for the 50cc or the 125cc ? And I have a budget of around 1000 euro.""

Where can i find cheap full coverage auto insurance?

Where can i find cheap full coverage auto insurance?

Can you get your own insurance when renting a car?

When going to a rental car agency such as Hertz or Avis they strongly 'encourage' you to purchase insurance. Can you get your own insurance that covers you in their cars rather than having to pay the insanely expensive insurance they offer?

How to write a appeal letter for denied life insurance?

my mom passed away now the insurance company denied her life insurance policy over a form that was not filled out but we never knew about form was not told or mailed to us already went to lawyer he said i still need to write a appeal letter does anyone know how to do this???? help please

Will a minor speeding ticket cause your insurance to rise.?

i read that speeding tickets can be a traffic offense and have you lose points from your lisence and pay a fine, it did not see it mentioned that your insurance rates would rise. i am intrested to know if this is true or what situations it applies to?""

How do i mail in insurance card for a ticket i received?

How do i mail in insurance card for a ticket i received?

What is the vehicle code in california that requires automobile insurance?

What is the vehicle code in california that requires automobile insurance?

Affordable Insurance?

My boyfriend is looking for some affordable insurance for himself. We live in Indiana, I already have insurance and our daughter is covered as well. I am finishing up college so I still qualify to use my father's insurance. What are some options for my boyfriend. (and I'm pretty sure he doesn't qualify for low income health insurance).""

Can you buy/insure a car without a drivers license?

My bf and I are buying another car in November, which will be for my use when I get my full license (I currently only have my G1.) I would like to have it registered and insured in my name. Am I able to do this when I get the car or do I have to put it in his name and change it over when I get my full license? I live in Ontario. Thanks in advance.""

Cheap and best insurance for me.?

I have a 99 dodge intrepid 4-D sedan and I am looking for an auto insurance for it. I have a clean driving history with no tickets since I got my drivers license (1.5 years ago). Please help me find an auto insurance in a way that I dont spend too much and yet covered. Thanks in advance.

Corvette insurance. i need full coverage for a 1977. not collectors.where is the cheapest???????????????????

i will get collectors insurance in 2 months. right now i need full coverage to get the loan, transfer to me, and get it done friday. please help.""

How much would car insurance be for me?

I am a 16 year old male in the state of Massachusetts and I'm wondering how much it would cost me to insure a 1986 Monte Carlo SS.

Health insurance....?

I am not available for health insurance at my job because i am only part time. everytime i apply for health insurance online, i get turned down because of my credit or my health. i don't think it's right. i need some kind of insurance because i have to go to the doctor. what should i do?""

Insurance question?

hello, i have a new car, but do i really need insurance on the car?? will i still be able to get the yellow tags on my license plate if i dont have insurance>? does my registration have anything to do with insurance>?? thanks alot for your answers""

How much will my insurance go up?

I got in a fender bender and my car is now totaled, this is because my car is supposedly not worth as much as a hood and a radiator, but I plan on getting my 02 xg350l fixed. But about the wreck is was completely my fault but I was only cited no ticket, how much more will I have to pay considering no ticket was issued? I am 17 this is my first wreck and I live in Washington if that helps. Thank you.

How much will the insurance company give me for my car?

i was crashed into by another driver who has accepted full responsibility, my car was a vw polo 1.2 e it had done 55,000 miles and was a 53 plate. does anyone know how much they will offer me? im really worried im going to get completely ripped off and i only brought it a few months ago and the crash wasn't my fault at all. thanx for any help :)""

In need of Medical Insurance?

I'm 18 and a Student and I dont have any medical Insurance is there a way to get I can apply for some aid I dont have a job, Live in California""

Car insurance help? do i need to pay?

Hi there:) I have just bought a car, it is being delviered on thursday. I was hoping to keep it on my drive until i have passed, then insure it and drive after, am i allowed to do this? or do i have to pay insurance? thanks""

Buying auto insurance for the first time?

lets say the policy will cost me 3,000 dollars. When i first buy the policy, do i pay the whole 3k up front or do i pay it in increments (i.e, 1500 for the first 6 months, then 1500 for the second)""

How much will car insurance cost if I decide to buy a 2000-02 Chevy Corvette?

I have a clean driving record; I have never been in an accident, no tickets, no nothing. I'm not saying its true but I heard from a friend that it cost about $500 a month for car insurance for the vette?""

I am learning to drive and want to buy a car. What should I buy and what will the insurance be like?

I am learning to drive and want to buy a car. What should I buy and what will the insurance be like?

Anyone know of an insurance company in Alabama that covers Suboxone?

Ive been checking around and BCBS said that I wouold have to wait till after a year of coverage untill they would cover that drug for some reason, also would it be considered a pre-existing condition if I was prescribed the drug before I obtained coverage?""

""I'm 17, can a go under my parents insurance for my car?""

Hi, im going to buy my first car soon, im looking at a Pergeot 106, with a 1.4L engine. I've had a quote to insure it under my name, and lets say it's more than i can afford. So i know it's cheeper to under my parents insurance. Is this safe and how much would it cost for this car im looking at? My parents havnt had any crashes if this helps? Thanks so much""

Approx. Insurance rate for 20 yo male with a 04 G35x sedan?

thinking about buying a G35x after i get back from Afghanistan, just wondering how much insurance might be""

How do I get the rest of the money for my car that insurance wont pay for?

So I purchased a 2012 Dodge Avenger from Carmax and made the mistake of not getting Gap insurance. Two weeks later a girl ran a red light and totalled my brand new car. Her insurance is only going to pay 16,800 when i paid 19,400 with tax title and license. I dont think i should have to pay money out of pocket for someone elses mistake. What can I do?""

Does any one know where to get cheap insurance 4 low mileage use under 4000 miles a year?

Does any one know where to get cheap insurance 4 low mileage use under 4000 miles a year?

Auto insurance listed driver question?

My question is as follows: What is the difference between me allowing someone to drive my car and me having someone listed as a second driver on my insurance policy when it comes to an accident. What are the differnces in the two situations at the time of an accident claim being filed? I know if the person I let drive my car had no fault in the accident, my rate wouldn't go up if I settle with my own insurance company. But if its the person who is driving my car's fault, are my insurance premiums affected? If yes, then what is the difference in not having the person listed at all and still making a claim through my own insurance. I ask because I am thinking of putting my girlfriend who drivers my car sometimes listed as a driver on the policy. Would this protect me or my premiums in anyway in case of an accident compared to not having her listed at all?""

Is anybody looking for affordable health care insurance?

I work with ASSURANT HEALTH, I can get you a free quote just let me know.""

Have a question about car insurance?

Im currently 18 and just passed the driving test. I reside in bronx ny. I wanted to know how much would insurance be for a used fully paid car under my name?( ranging from ____ to ____ ) Lets say the car is a honda civic year 2000. Or any other better car that wouldnt be high on insurance. Thanks

""I am a guy and turning 16 soon, on average how much money would insurance cost me for a 2004 Ford Mustang?""

I am a guy and turning 16 soon, on average how much money would insurance cost me for a 2004 Ford Mustang?""

List of cheap auto insurance in Georgia $40-$50 a month?

cheap auto insurance in Georgia .looking for where I can pay btw $40-$50 a month

What will i have to pay for car insurance?

Im a new driver 16 years old and I am male. I live in pennsylvania in a small city of around 6,500 people and I would like to know how much i would probably estimated be paying a month for my car insurance. I Drive a 1998 Dodge Neon Highline. I dont know if anyone can help me but if you have some place were i can go and get a estimate on what i will probably be paying for car insurance it would be greatly appreciated.""

Auto Insurance question?

Car hood popped open while driving (apparently was not closed properly when I closed it last) . Damage to windshield and dents on hood. I have a ridiculously high deductible for going to pay myself for the repair. My only question is: I get free windshield replacement thru my auto insurance (no deductible). Is it possible to get just the windshield replaced by them and I take care of the rest? Or are they going to want me to go through them for the whole damage (hood) when I call them for the windshield? Thanks.

Why is insurance for mazda cars so high?

I heard mazda cars often increase your insurance? Why do they? Is it for a good or bad reason? Answer with detail please :)

Insurance: Can one person be a primary driver for more than one car?

Basically, I'm in need of a car, but cannot afford to pay my own insurance. I am considering putting it under a friend's name and have her as a primary driver and myself as a secondary driver, which would be cheaper. My concern is that she already has her own car under which she is a primary driver. So my question is: is she able to insure another car as herself being the primary driver?""

Can I Still Be Covered Under My Parents Car Insurance?

Im currently under my parents car insurance policy, I got married not too long ago and was wondering since I got married can I still be under their car insurance? Thanks""

Having a baby in Texas with no insurance.?

My friends husband died 10 days ago, he had a family insurance which now comes invalid tomorrow. What can she do, she has no money to pay insurance and is 7 months pregnant. Is there some sort of welfare or social help ? There is maybe a possible payout from 401k insurance and she could use that money but it may not arive in time.""

Who do you contact if you know somebody commiting fraud on there car insurance?

given someone elses address for cheaper insurance

""Insurance , real estate, law question?""

if a person drive a vehicle :D, the vehicle is under the other person name H, H buy the car insurance, the D doenst have the car insurance, and D get in the car accident with K, K is the one who is false, Who is the one false in this situation, it is D or K. Because K are false, will K insurance company pay all the fee in the accident and hospital? Will K insurance company pay for the damage K cause for D? Will K insurance company pay for D health injuries? Even if D doesnt have the insurance, D drive under the vehicle that belong to H, H has the vehicle AND INSURANCE UNDER HER NAME, AND D is H sister.""

Can you register and buy a (cheap) car with no license or insurance?

I want to know if i can register a very cheap car thats around 2,000 tops at a used car lot and buy it with no problems.What problems will i face isnt it easyier to get a cheap car like this then at a actual new dealer i have no license or insurance do i pick a dealer with in house financing the only thing they will most likely ask for is it to get registered can i do that im paying half down.?im 21 im getting my license in 2 weeks (and no i cant wait)""

How much will my insurance go up?

I got in a fender bender and my car is now totaled, this is because my car is supposedly not worth as much as a hood and a radiator, but I plan on getting my 02 xg350l fixed. But about the wreck is was completely my fault but I was only cited no ticket, how much more will I have to pay considering no ticket was issued? I am 17 this is my first wreck and I live in Washington if that helps. Thank you.

""If the other guy's insurance pays for damages, does that show up as points that cost me with my insurance?""

My son was rear-ended today. Damage appears minimal, but there is damage. If he has the damages paid for by the insurance company of the man who ran into his car will that cause my son's insurance rates to increase? I seem to recall that insurance companies share information, but am not sure about this issue. Thanks in advance!""

Any idea how much motorcycle insurance for a 19 yer old Female in Texas would cost?

i been driving for at least 13 years (since i was 7 i was driving a 150cc) at 15 i started driving a 1600cc yamaha royal star :D (so dont say i dont know) i had a mexican motorcycle license for about 4-5 years (i am verly gonna get tx Licence) And i am planning on getting maybe a 600cc sportbike to use in TX

How much is motorcylce insurance for state farm and is there one cheaper then state farm?

im gonna buy a bike and heard that its cheaper for a bike and its insurance then a car and its insurance... thanks for the help

If a car looks fast will insurance cost more?

its for a new driver. say they were driving a muscle car with a small block 350 and it also looks fast would insurance in anyway be affected? would an older car cost more insurance because of less safety features?

1999 toyota camry insurance cost?

1999 toyota camry insurance cost?

Car Insurance quote question?

When I try and get a quote for some cars on either Tesco or Direct line, it tells me they cant give me a quote online and il need to ring them. Also, the browser wont let me go back, so they make you close the window and type out another quote all over again! Why do they do this? The car I want to insure is a Nissan Navara D22. I am guessing that its because its a commercial vehicle and they want to check if il be using it for commercial use. I am 18 and have had my licence for a year, and I will be the named driver on the policy, my dad being the main driver who has over 30 years NCB! I managed to get a quote for a new Navara, not the D22 version and that was about 1990. How much do you think the D22 will be? Do you think they might class it as a van and not insure me because im under 21?""

Can I get unemployment benefits after workerscomp?

I have been on workerscomp for over a year. My benefits may be ending soon. I do not think I can continue working with the company because of my injuries. If my benefits end and I decide to quit. Can I file for unemployment benefits? Doesn't your unemployment benefits based on your last salary? If so, I did not have a salary because I was receiving benefits from my workers comp insurance company.""

Should I get a 1988 944s Porsche?

I am 16 years old and selling a 99 dodge durango. Someone has offered to trade a 1988 944s Porsche and am very interested. I am also very worried about how much it will cost to maintain this car and how much insurance will cost. Also when I look at the car should I be looking for any specific problems? Thanks

Cheep 4x4 with cheep insurance?

im preferably looking for a cheap 4x4 that would be a reasonable insurance i will also be 18 so im finding it hard to find one i don't want anything over a 1400 cc and also i will settle for a normal car but a 4x4 is my dream lol any help is welcome thanks

Which insurance company has the quickest claim?

Okay so I want to know which insurance company would give me the quickest claim without any problems between: state farm, farmers, hardford, and all state?""

How much would insuring my car for just one day cost?

How much would it normally cost? it's a bmw 530i for just one day plz let me know :)

Which is the best childrens' insurance plans?

Please detail about both unit linked & regular insurance plans.

What is a penalty in MA for driving a car with no insurance?

I was involved in the car accident recently... I was driving in Boston the uninsured car with the New Hampshire registration. But in NH car insurance is not compulsory. The hearing will be held on my case, which is considered to be criminal. If somebody ever been in the similar situation ,plz, share your experience!""

At what age will my car insurance go down?

im 19 now with a clean record.

If you have exceptionally cheap car insurance where do you get it?

I know a lot goes into calculating car insurance, not asking about that. Just want to know if you pay a really small amount for coverage, what that amount is and where you get it from. (Must cover cars in the U.S, though companies can be anywhere).""

Should I buy a 600cc or a 1000cc super sport motorcycle?

I am a fairly experienced rider, I have been riding dirt bikes since I can remember; I also have had my motorcycle licenses at age 15 and now I am now 17 years old. I have put over 10,000 on my kawasaki ninja 250r so this isn't for my first bike it is a step up because me and my dad both believe it is time. I have been looking at ZX6r's and r6's a lot but my real question is if I buy a 600cc bike will I regret it and wish I would have bought a ZX10r or a r10? Will I eventually feel like the 600 bike it's enough? Oh and I am looking to get a bike and keep it so that it will last me though senior year of high school and all of collage. I have looked at all different types of Motorcycles and the super sports have been my favorite by far. Any other information about the 600cc or 1000cc bikes and y'all's opinions on them and which ones you all personally like will be greatly appreciated! Thank you so much for your time for answering!""

How much is the insurance payment in New York State for a 1997 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo? In General.?

I live in New York State and i plan on buying a 1997 jeep grand Cherokee Laredo for maybe $1000. I've looked on the quotes on auto insurance and none of them helped me. Plus i am 17 years old and the vehicle would have to go under my parents name.

I hit my neighbors parked car and it's going to cost $2400. How much will my insurance go up?

I have Geico Insurance. 22/m and out of school. 1 at fault accident already on my record from 2005 and a ticket that should be off my record but shows up on motor vehicle report. Just got Geico Insurance about 2 months ago. Paying about $1150 every 6 months. Would it be better just to pay the guy off?

Motorcycle Insurance?

I'm wanting to get a motorcycle license, motorcycle, moto insurance. Isn't the pricing ridiculous for insurance if I add motorcycle insurance to it? Of course the insurance company's price differs but generally what is it like? -Thanks""

Couple questions on cars and insurance..?

Here are a list of questions i appreciate being answered.. Why would your car be stopped if your taxed and insured? Could I use my name and everything on the insurance but change a couple of details like age and stuff? Ways to make insurance cheaper? Could I use my dads insurance and use his details? WHat does a provisional licence allow me to do? This is because i have been looking into buying a Range Rover sport on a finance with my dad but the insurance has come to 17 grand!!! I am 17 with a provisional.

Am I required to get rental car insurance if I don't have my own auto insurance?

I am planning to sell my car and cancel my auto insurance. If I want to rent a car, am I required to buy their rental car insurance, since I wouldn't have any other auto insurance otherwise?""

Whats the average cost for insurance for a corvette? but monthly?

well i want to get a corvette but i want to know the average insurance for it?

Anybody self employed got medical insurance successfully in usa?

Hi I am self employed. Have anybody got single employee insurance successfully? if yes I will like to know who is your insurance carrier. I have precondition so I am declined individual coverage or premium is $1000/month. Thank you

Health Insurance?

I'm shopping for health insurance and am a bit confused by all the terms,Can someone tell me the difference between HMO's,PPO's,Network's,And Indemnity's and which is better?""

True or false? I can save money on car insurance by choosing a higher deductible?

True or false? I can save money on car insurance by choosing a higher deductible?

How much will my insurance go up?

I got in a fender bender and my car is now totaled, this is because my car is supposedly not worth as much as a hood and a radiator, but I plan on getting my 02 xg350l fixed. But about the wreck is was completely my fault but I was only cited no ticket, how much more will I have to pay considering no ticket was issued? I am 17 this is my first wreck and I live in Washington if that helps. Thank you.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-much-would-cost-three-18-20-year-olds-live-own-2-bedroom-beach"

[waterofthegods]

Living Inside My Head

So guess I should tell you my story, let you know whats behind my mask. Well I’ll start as far back as i can remember;

I think before secondary school (before 11yo) I was your typical kid, loved being outside and being with my friends, life was good, I had a great upbringing and learned manners & what it is to be good person. My issues started with going to the “big school” aka secondary school, I was a small skinny kid with spots/pimples, I was an easy target for the bullies and popular kids to find fault with, I had the usual name calling and the being pushed around, even had items of my clothing taken from me and burnt or thrown around between people. that was the beginning of me feeling weak and powerless which eventually lead to a self loathing and a deep feeling of worthlessness, over time a mask formed and I became incredibly good at hiding in plain site, just on the fringe so no one noticed me enough to care. During this time I’d had a few mini relationships but one girl I fell in love with and because of her friends telling her to leave me she dumped me & my heart felt the pain of rejection (just this evening I was told that the feeling of rejection isn’t real, its just in our minds, in truth we must see it as the other person looking out for themselves just as we would do, self preservation, YES it does hurt still because we have an investment in that person but we must respect them for being brave enough to make that decision. It wasn’t until I was 15/16 that I’d built relationships with the right groups so that I was left along 95% of the time but by this point the self loathing and fault picking (Body Dysmorphia as I refer to it now) had kicked in so I craved to be liked & loved, this lead me into the arms of and quickly the pants of a girl in college, I didnt want to sleep with her but the pressures of the situation lead to her forcing herself on me several times (yes a man can be sexually assaulted/raped) this was my first experience of sex & it has dictated every sexual experience since. once I’d finished college I had begun working out, this would be a journey I’d continue on until this year (2017), it became the thing I did to feel better and to try and look better, to build myself to a physical size where i was small enough so that the big guys didnt want to fight me & I was too big for the smaller guys to bother with, already I was in a strange & unhealthy mindset. I had a relationship until I was 21 but I felt I’d drifted apart from that girl, what I didnt know then was that my depression was dictating my every move and this lead to me dumping that girl which broke her heart and I watched for years as she struggled to deal with that fact as we still hung out with the same group of friends, also we still hooked up from time to time because I was lonely & that interaction made me feel good for a short time but with every relationship and one night stand from then until i was 25 had been one girl saying ‘NO’ or ‘dumping me’ saying i was ‘boring’ or ‘not the guy they wanted’ or plain old just stopped talking to me. Within this time I had attempted to hang myself, only at the last minute did I stop because in my mind I saw my mothers face upon finding my body hanging there & her breaking down into tears. My depression was in full swing by the time I met Nat (the second girl I fell in love with) from day one I was hooked, she was amazing & beautiful and I was best mates (still best mates) with her brother, that was truly the most I’ve felt happiness since I was a kid, her family was amazing, we loved being together, I spent as much time as I could with her, we even saved to go travelling together with two of her other friends, travelling was our downfall because the stresses of being away from home, having to make decisions with other people who where so indecisive it pained me, started putting cracks in my mask, couple that with us being in a tiny city in Australia with dwindling funds and the group separating meant I felt trapped and instead of being able to talk this out I just shut down & disconnected, went out socialising and drinking & then made the biggest mistake I feel of my life, I dumped Nat and broke her heart, little did I know then but I’d feel that exact pain in years to come. I stayed in contact with Nat & as I watched her spiral into her own depression and pain it ate away at me inside, week by week I realised I’d fucked up n there wasnt anything I could do to help her feel better and with that knowledge I internalised my hatred for myself and fed my illness the fuel it wanted, pushing myself deeper into my own head & into a lot more one night stands than I’d like to admit, I’m not proud of them but I cant ignore them either, they happened as a result of feeling disconnected, worthless and not worthy of the love I’d gotten from Nat, I felt I was bringing her down and it wasnt fair to do that to a wonderful soul like hers. Now a 28yo ‘man’ (scared lil boy) I had just returned home from Australia & began talking to an English girl I’d met travelling, by valentines of that year (2015) we’d decided to meet up in Edinburgh (my third love Lucy), It was fireworks for me the second I saw her again, that shy cheeky look on her face, it was a great first few months even though we lived 6hrs apart, me in Tow Law and her in Lochness, once again my demons crept into my head and said your going to hurt her because your not good enough for this girl, so we fought a lot and i broke up with her, I then did the only other thing i do when I’m in pain which is get drunk and slept with a girl from work, realising this wasnt what i wanted i tried getting back with Lucy a few weeks later, she did take me back but knew I’d slept with someone and asked me about it, Im always honest so i admitted what had happened, this broke her heart again and Im not sure she ever forgave me (also at this time her best friends died) so I can understand I was at fault too. Everything was good until i found a guy she had gym classes with flirting with her on texts, granted she wasnt replying but she wasnt stopping him either, confronting her made a big issue and caused tensions which begun my second mental illness ANXIETY, I became paranoid & on occasion I get a bad feeling so I’d check her phone and I found sexual messages between her and a guy she’d met in Australia, now any normal human being would have told her to fuck off but as I was in love and in a fragile state I needed her love so after confronting her and arguing she agreed not to talk to him again and Id try to forget it, well im sure by now you can guess that didnt happen and by Xmas I’d found sexual emails from her to her ex (the guy she thought was her perfect man) and vice versa so again i told her i knew, she said she’d stop talking to him and we’d move on, (what a fucking idiot I was) by now my self worth was almost zero, my depression and anxiety in full swing and in a long distance relationship without trust, Valentines day 2016 the weekend to patch things up as bring back the love we first felt, I book the same hotel as the first time we met, I get there early in the day to get flowers and rose petals and chocolates and make the room as amazing as possible, I pick her up from the bus station and we have a great day and evening but I just cant sleep i sense something so I go and look in her phone and there are emails time stamped for that day as she travelled to me, between her and her ex talking sexually, I can not describe how worthless i felt in that moment, I literally became numb to the situation, unwilling to believe what was happening to me, this time i said nothing about the messages and just continued the weekend. Over the coming months we spent more n more time apart and I’d become dependent on alcohol to sleep and 7 cups of coffee to get through the day as I was lucky to get 2/3hrs of sleep a day before starting my 7-5 shifts, which could be 6/7 days a week, I over trained in the gym to try and look better for her and only ate 1 meal a day if I as lucky (I lost 14kg in weight), I injured my knee in the process and it still to this day isnt fixed. we’d decided to go travelling together, which in my mind was how we’d fix things because we needed a fresh start with fresh scenery. All that happened was that she disconnect mentally and sexually, started talking (and maybe more) with a guy she’d met in the gym, the guy shes dating now (definitely cheated on me with him) in November of that year I had enough and told her I’d been so sad with her I had previously gone to get drunk and cut my wrists because her actions and the way she made me feel, she has upset but at this point it was days from our break up, one night on a video call i had been drinking heavily and started to take Tramadol tablets, after her obvious hysteria I stopped taking them after about 4 tablets and went to be sick. 2 days later she broke up with me and only talked to me in regards to the flights we’d booked to go travelling (she was cancelling her flights). At this point Im mentally at my lowest point, numb to everything & planning my death, unknowing to me everyone around me knew I was going to do something because I was no longer able to maintain the mask. NYE day my parents sat me down and told me they didnt want me to leave and go travelling but I insisted I was going and need to get away from the memories, so I got rid of all Lucys things. January 4th 2017 came round and I got on the plane bound for SE Asia having planned to just get through the 2 months in Asia and then fly to NZ wait a month (April) until my birthday and buy whisky, lots of painkillers and then find a quiet beautiful place to just drift off this mortal coil, to relieve my self of over 15 years of feeling exhausted under the weight of these illnesses, just feeling like i was drowning on the air I needed to survive, taking bigger gulps & drowning quicker with each breath. Thing is I met a guy & girl in Asia, we traveled on and off together, experiencing fun and laughter and distracting me from my illness, at least for a while, a few days before I left Asia i crashed a moped and injured my leg and arm, it got infected and once I got to NZ I went to A&E to have it looked at, this is where I met Christina (my final love) she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, we got talking and hit it off, but shortly after she messaged saying she was interested in a guy she’d known from years ago and couldnt continue talking to me. It hurt me because to me it was another rejection so i moved to a little town called Te Puke (sounds like cookie) there i stayed with a wonderful couple and their dog while i got my foot better and found work to build up my savings, during this time Christina asked my to come to Auckland and meet her before she went back to the USA for a new job, this is where we got talking again, eventually we hooked up and each weekend I’d finish work and drive the 3 1/2hrs to see her for the weekend and drive home Sunday or Monday Morning, this was the case for about a month and then I moved to Auckland to be with her, I felt that she was the one, everything about her was perfect but due to many stresses including money, bills, no job & one of her kids having abandonment issues, which were hard to deal with, caused unrest and upset, she also wasnt over he last guy who was her twin flame, the guy who made her feel perfect and he was her person, only thing was he chose the girl he was dating and not Christina, this devastated he & so because shes not dealt with that she, disconnected both mentally and sexually within the relationship and so my depression, anxiety attacks and self worth took a massive hit once again and right now I feel alone, devastated, lost and numb, my heart is broken into more pieces than there are stars in the night sky, walls are up, mask is firmly in place. Along with all this shit my anxiety causes me to feel nauseous and all I can keep down is an apple a day so I end up being very ill and if I eat anything else I throw it up. I question why these things happen to me and why I cant just kill myself and leave this all behind, the same phase is told to me over and over again, The world has a need for you in it! this is true for all of us Im beginning to see, hence why Im writing this blog to show others they’re not alone and you can find a peace within yourself, just reach out and ask for help.