Check In
What I Did
Cleaned
Shopped for a new pair of jeans
Sent some friends some Christmas gifts
Led my professional black software engineering group last minute after the original leader couldn't make it
Online shopped for some Carhartt overalls
Reread an old journal...it happened to be a retelling of one of the hardest moments in my relationship with my mom that I think about often
Got invited to ride down to LA by a person I thought didn't want anything to do with me...she may just be using me, but, hey, whatever, I benefit from this situation too...
What I Learned
A lot of people care for me
Don't wait...tomorrow is not promised
But also...wait on God...
Don't be so quick to write people off
Don't be so quick to give people so much information
Feeling
A lot of days recently I have been feeling lonely despite the outpouring of support and check ins I've been receiving...I really want a romantic love...a friend asked if I was talking to anyone, and since about February of this year, I've had NO ONE that I was talking to in a sort of flirty stage
I know God has something great for me
Impatient...impatient for love, friendship, a new job, my family situation to get better, the scale to go down, to move...I constantly have to remind myself, "just wait..."
Bad that I doubted some folks...
Kinda paranoid, NGL, but I need to remind myself God's at the helm
Sad I've got looks from so many companies, some of which I really want to be at...and I am just not prepared...despite me working really hard...
Reading old posts I made made me really sad...I repress so many bad memories that, reading it back, made me feel a bit better about taking this time away to heal...it was so long that I had to stop reading...so much stuff I willfully forgot the minor details of but never forgot the major events and how they made and still make me feel
Kind of tired and that I need a helper...I
Shopping & internet are distractions
Nervous...I think of my gym crush a lot, but that's only because I'm more desperate for male attention right now, and he's the ONLY consistent one that I see every day...I've got a feeling that he may be curious about me but I've been wrong before and I don't want to be wrong this time because truthfully, I don't think he's who I should be with...not sure if it is lust, loneliness, or if it would actually be good to explore a relationship with him...it's times like these where I need to just go with my gut and listen more in my prayers about it
Hearing that another colleague has already done about 40 algorithms and I have only done a fraction of that, made me feel like I've been wasting time, but I have been making progress...I do need to make a little more though...time goes by fast
Glad that I waited on God and didn't go down to LA, because now I've got a trip out...and I bought the 2nd plane ticket by accident, but I guess it wasn't an accident, because now I'm going down and will use it on the way back up!
Takeaways
I should read the resources my therapist recommended
I want to stop dwelling on the past
I'm going to switch up my study schedule and focus more on algos
I'm not sure if I'm ready to stop being so hard on myself...I don't know if I am or not...
How I Got Myself Out of a Rut
Cooked for myself and ate the food that I had in my fridge, not the pizza I knew I really wasn't going to like after a few bites or food from elsewhere
Prayed
Finally decorated my Christmas tree
Goals Completed
Found a therapist
Stopped listening to people worried about their own circumstances and remembering God works on his own time and that I am in no rush...
Got back on the ball
Being kinder to myself and stopping guilting myself if my energy isn't always on 100%
Goals After Today
Strengthen my relationship with God
Understand the main concepts I need to from Interview Cake, AlgoExpert, etc. in 6 months, NOT less than 3
Drop my body fat percentage to Marion Jones, Michaela Cole, or Jade Cargill levels
Consistently fight urge to fill up my time with social media/YouTube
Fully forgive my family & build a great relationship with them
Be more confident & faithful
250 steps/hour & 10k steps/daily consistently
Drink more than 64oz a day consistently
Go on a date with a guy I actually like who actually likes me too
Learn more about my gym crush & get him to ask for my number
Get a house similar to that one in Spain
Update my personal app
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