#caritodorito rambles about life

[carito-dorito]

Me, in a better state of mind and more determinated to be alive in 2020: yay

Me, two days after being in online school, having a small cold, being scared to death to fall asleep bc you feel guilty and unproductive: still yay

[carito-dorito]

So my watercolours are covered in fungus and stuff now even tho I haven't used them until a week ago... And I guess I'm not going to paint traditionally for a long while and it was the only thing I wanted to do after all the shit I've been dealing these weeks.

[carito-dorito]

Me: *messages my bff bc of pride* HaPPY PRIDE AJDJSJDJSHDSKHDJAK

BFF: OMFG WE'RE IN JUNE!!???

Me: OMFG WE'RE STILL ALIVE!!??

BFF and me:

[carito-dorito]

I decided to listen again to The Suburbs because quarantine (duh) and bc how many things that are happening in my life

And I'm like this:

[carito-dorito]

w e l l My internet connection and my family life is a mess right now, so if I die of coronavirus or being stuck in a forced lockdown tell my friends and fictional crushes i love them so bad

[carito-dorito]

"Nothing wrong can happen with some weeks isolated with your family, so relax!"

-Your toxic, boomer relative you're forced to stay with because your country is getting into curfew:

[carito-dorito]

so uh it's been a year and about one year and 4 months since I stopped smoking (started at 15-16) and idk why but I've been so low and now I just remembered it and I'm like: "bitch is this you!?!?"

[carito-dorito]

M o o d:

[carito-dorito]

Mom, who often calls me "ignorant bitch" just said:

"Vaccines causes mental illnesses, autism and mental retard"

But the worst thing is that:

She's a d o c t o r.

[carito-dorito]

July 1.

[carito-dorito]

*my everyday routine since quarantine and online school*

wake up

prepare for class

do class

being wildy knocked on the door

explain I had classes

being yelled at not answering the door and face them

classes are over

mom yelling at me that I can't miss class even when they're over

between her vocabulary she uses the word "bitch" and "lazy" "I only hope you're better than me in a future but at this way of being depressed and sad you won't do anything lil' bitch"

do chores

cry in my room

have to connect again for another class

brother arrives from his day out (like nothing)

knocked on again

explain I have class and being ignored/insulted on

showers and leaves everything like a mess

need to leave my class again to clean

I explain I need to do homework

being told "it won't take you more than a minute"

spends more than an hour doing chores

specially the ones my brother or my mom left for the next day

go to my room again

try to do homework

realise I can't complete it

cry again

also draw why not

mom calls me to rub her back or give her tea

tell her I'm busy

again ignored and/or insulted

finish pampering

go back to bed

cry myself to sleep or spend until 4 am bc insomnia

sleep

repeat

[carito-dorito]

So basically my dad is being tested for showing COVID symptoms and I'm feeling worried and anxious because he's a doctor at ICU in a hospital that never had anything because my goverment has a really bad healthcare system. Even when he wasn't exactly a role model this affects me because he's almost 60, he's dealt with high pressure, asthma, anemia and more. I wasn't able to contact him since I don't have a working phone to text him (adding the fact he doesn't likes social media) and still he managed to treat cases here (while my mom being a doctor just decided to stay) Two days ago was my birthday and I luckily arranged a videocall with him, he told me he had small headaches but now the symptoms have increased a little he had to take the test, but now I'm worried. I'm begging if someone reads this to manage to talk with relatives or friends that are working in healthcare, markets, etc. To thank them because you don't know what's going to happen or if the virus hits.

[carito-dorito]

So besides from being called a whiney little bitch, that supposedly "has so much free time for nothing" (because, you know when you cry everyday curled up in your bed and then being forced to do everything for everyone in this house and then being fucking insulted because you show signs of sadness is a whiney bitch attitude) I'm said I didn't improve a fucking shit because of an old sketch I made when I was back in highschool.

Like it wasn't enough from my brother and my mom saying all what I've dealt when I was studying animation was NOTHING and NOTHING WAS WORTH IT because I got depressed and sad and I didn't learn or improve a thing because I quit and I deserve the worst.

I need to be reminded by my mom that I'm selfish, spoiled, etc. for relying on her money since I didn't get a job, I need to be reminded by my brother that I don't have a fucking voice and NO PRIVACY I need to be reminded how much my art sucks.

Thanks for reminding me something that I already know, that I'm worthless.