#as well about my life path

[kinokoshoujoart]

the coolest kids in forgotten valley!!☆

(…it seems there may have been a stretch of time where rock and lumina were the only kids in forgotten valley…🥲)

poseref

[kaesaaurelia]

Friends, tonight's Hero Forge theme is betrayal, heartbreak, and having entirely too many dogs.

Companion to this.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[hood-ex]

Nothing better than being in a creative space with women where everyone is looking at each other's work like, "Oh my god that looks sooo good!" Everyone's just handing out praises like candy, and it's such a nice vibe.

[boarprinceofdelusion]

Recognizing Early Signs of Mental Illness

[shock-micro]

the practice of taking multiple names... i do wish it was a bit more supported in places like the united states. i love my family name, my family means the world to me,

but there's also the last name of berri that i'd love to take. it was the second name that stuck with me after "mira", and i've nicknamed myself "miraberri" in a lot of things over the past year i've had it...

...i suppose the other trouble is that i've already changed my legal name once, and so now i'd have to pay for it to be changed again... ahh, the wonders of capitalism and rigid social systems.

wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a society that embraced Change?

that freely allowed, even encouraged changing oneself? embracing the fact that everything will change eventually, and must do so for things to not become stagnant?

that some things might not be right as they are, despite the state of things being comfortable for many people? that the status quo, or our time-honored traditions, aren't infallible, perfect concepts?

i guess the idea is too much for some people to understand.

maybe some day, that'll change, too.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[autos-ismos]

i keep anxiously swallowing air and hurting my stomach

[atinyladybug-art]

I have a comic idea because i was looking at an Iceberg sketch and like

my headcanon was that Iceberg's scarf was given by Gears before Gears was promoted into O5. And its like this conversation between Ice and Gears where Gears is like giving Iceberg a parting gift for working together for years.

and its a red scarf and Ice is like "why red? it's not exactly my favourite colour nor does it fit me with my teal hair yknow"

and then Gears is like "You mentioned you miss what warmth and fire feels like so I thought a scarf being red might give you that sense anytime you wear it." and "its so i can see you in the crowd from afar"

and it makes me happy.

[memento-mariii]

I finally womanned up and went to the local queer-affirming church I've been eyeing for ages now. I'm closeted to pretty much every single person in my life, so in a way I guess this was my first time being openly queer in any capacity. It was so healing to share a space with other queer people in real life.

For so long, I've been searching for people who'll love me while seeing me as I truly am. And I was so scared, too, but I guess the mortifying ordeal of being known isn't so mortifying at all once you really get down to it.

I am loved. I am loved. I am Loved.

Love saved me and I am made of love.

(The local pride parade was yesterday and while I couldn't go (re: the whole being closeted thing), this church had a booth there so long story short, I got a cool rainbow rosary in the end 🥹)

[kinokoshoujoart]

find yourself an AnWL bachelor who barks but only in conditions that contradict each other which means his barking dialogue will never actually show up in th

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

i love my friends so much. i feel like yesterday i had a lot of shit going on in my head and i woke up to my friend explaining things in a way that put my mind at ease. i dont feel as anxious anymore because i know i was overthinking. i think my dad said it best when he told me that he thought my wonderful brain of mine just wants to think problems are bigger than they actually are. he is right! im just inexperienced in life and half of the time im scared im doing something wrong but- HEY. i need to be more confident in making mistakes. making mistakes doesn't define me as a person!! i need to stop worrying about doing life right and just live for the sake of living and doing what makes me happy!!!!!!!

[pzyii]

(for @foolforbuffy || further explanation about this post)

So first things first, Willow ressurected Buffy which ended up leading to Warren trying to kill Buffy, and with that Tara died. This doesn't mean Taras death is Willows fault, it just kinda happened, like Tara would've survived if they had decided to go out for icecream, they were both just really unlucky.

When Buffy was shot things weren't looking that good for her. Like she may have slayer healing but she was shot in the chest. Slayer healing probably only really kept her alive for as long as she did so she didn't die imediatly like Tara.

Because Tara died, Willow absorbed all the books and went dark. Now more powerful than ever, she saved Buffys life, since we've espablished Buffys life was actually in serious danger.

Meaning if that bullet had missed Tara, Buffy might've died instead. And Willow would've lost one of them either way. But since Buffys ressurection ultimatly caused Taras death, Taras death also then ultimatly caused Buffys survival.

Its a life for a life.

And Willow accidentally ended up chosing Buffys life over Taras that day when she ressurected her.

[moe-broey]

Idk I also just hate the future actually. My ass is Always living in the past or simply day to day 💪💪💪

[six-improbable-things]

My Friday group is going to be playing Blades in the Dark, and this is our Leech... who also happens to have taken Physicker (an ability that speeds up the whole party's healing), making him our party's doctor:

(in case you can't read it, his background is "Mad Scientist" and his vice is "Stupor (Crack Cocaine)".)

Oh, and his alias is "Dr. Quack" (currently, it might change).

He's also a drag queen.

As for me, once I saw this, there was really no other choice but Slide.

Not only does it share a name with my Best Boy (and also with one of his abilities), it's also exactly my kind of thing: taking "damage" in order to do cool shit.

[The text reads: "Rook's Gambit: Take 2 stress to roll your best action rating while performing a different action. Say how you adapt your skill to this use."]

Also, we're all roommates in the basement an "abandoned" manor, and our landlord is a vampire named Lord Scurlock who counts as a faction all on his own. Our gang name is the "the tenants", but we let everyone assume it's "the tenace" like high cards. (ten-ace)

The 4th player (aside from me, Dr. Quack, and Dr. Quack's child, Sixtine (pronounced like the Sistine chapel)), is a teenager referred to exclusively as "bloodhound" (real name Orion, but no one knows that) who may or may not live in the walls.

According to our batshit lore, my character (Jamie) broke into the "abandoned" house one night when drunk and lived there for like a week before the other two found out she was living there. (She was not being subtle, the other two just never leave the workshop.)

Aaaaand now everyone else is testing random accents while I'm laughing too hard to make noise.

[nico-di-genova]

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