#christ on a cracker ((klaus))

[silentsneezes]

here’s a little klaus fic based on a request from @iknowthisisoddbuthereweare with allergic klaus and caretaking dave

Klaus finds himself wandering the academy for the second time this day. He drags his feet, allowing his fever driven thoughts to cloud his vision. Unsurprisingly, dragging his feet almost immediately results in him tripping.

Klaus falls (not so gracefully) and lands facedown on the old, dirty carpet in the living room of the Academy.

“Klaus? Are you okay?”

Klaus looks up hazily, eyes glazed over with fever, “Viktor! I’ve never been better.”

Viktor hesitates, “Right….” he takes a seat next to Klaus, examining his sickly sibling. Viktor sighs, a small frown creasing his lips, “Are you drunk? It’s only 1, Klaus.”

Klaus’ smile vanishes, replaced with overwhelming guilt (except due to his fever, everything feels slightly overwhelming), “I’m not drunk!”

Viktor’s frown deepens, “I’m not mad Klaus-,” Klaus interrupts him with a dramatic hitch and a poorly stifled, “heh-h’Nngxt!”

Klaus’ body jerks with the suppressed sneeze, his head ducks instinctively towards a clenched fist.

“Bless you,” Viktor mumbles, clearly under the impression that Klaus was sneezing because of wine (a reasonable assumption).

“Thanks-heh-oh geez,” Klaus paws at his nose, “h’nngXt! hrsXchT!”

“Bless,” Diego mumbles as he walks in, “Why’re you on the floor?”

“Oh, me? I’m just enjoying the view,” Klaus replies quietly, cringing internally at the burning sensation in his throat.

Diego redirects his question towards Viktor, “why’s he on the floor?”

“He’s drunk,” Viktor stands up, brushing the dust off his pants and walking towards the kitchen, “Klaus, have you eaten anything yet?”

“Mhm!” Klaus hums a response, sitting up and trying to gather his bearings. Admittedly, Klaus hadn’t had much to eat other than copious amounts of cold medicine and leftover frozen pizza from the night before.

“Okay. I’m heading to the store, so text me if you need anything,” Viktor offers Klaus a small smile, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Klaus considers asking for tissues, cough drops, and other cold remedies, but decides against it.

“I’m dandy,” Klaus chirps, punctuating his statement with a small sniffle. Diego rolls his eyes, taking a seat on the couch opposite Klaus.

Klaus absentmindedly rubs at his nose, trying to quell the itch blooming in the back of his sinuses, “snf… heh-,” his breath hitches softly.

“Allergies acting up?” Diego asks, “That’s what happens when you drink wine at 1 PM, Klaus.”

“I didn’t-ngxt! h’NngxhT! heh…. heHRscHT! drink anything,” Klaus finishes lamely.

“Bless you,” Diego snap’s begrudgingly; no matter how frustrated he is, he always blesses Klaus.

Klaus picks himself up from the floor, swaying as his head floods with feverish delirium, “Well -snf- I’ve got important business to attend to,” Klaus states as he walks towards the stairs.

Klaus ignores Diego’s sarcastic taunts as he walks slowly up the stairs. Admittedly, he does seem fairly inhibited: he’s particularly uncoordinated, his speech is slower than usual due to fever, and he can’t stop sneezing (which happens when he drinks wine).

As Klaus makes his way to his room, the burning sensation in his sinuses grows. His nostrils quiver delicately, breath hitching.

Klaus just barely makes it to his room before a myriad of sneezes overtakes him, “h’nrNSHCxxt! hn’NGxtew! heh-hrRSHChiw!”

“Bless you.”

Klaus nearly topples over as they whip around, “Christ on a cracker, Dave! You just gave me a heart attack!”

“Sorry,” Dave offers his partner a warm smile, “You feeling okay?”

Klaus shakes their head, but stops when their fever muddled head protests against the movement. Dave frowns sympathetically and opens his arms, gesturing for Klaus to sit next to him on the bed.

Klaus moves to sit next to Dave, but pauses, holding up a point finger as their nose twitches, “h’nngXt! hrsXchT!! Whoo! Excuse me.”

“Bless you,” Dave pulls a travel pack of tissues out of his pocket and hands them to Klaus as the sick man takes a seat.

“Thanks, Davey,” Klaus tries (and fails) to mimic his usually chipper tone, but the fatigue in his voice is evident.

The couple sits in a comfortable stupor as Klaus tends to their drippy nose. Dave watches sympathetically and tosses Klaus’ used tissues into a garbage bin.

“So,” Dave prompts, “What’s wrong?”

Klaus’ fever muddled brain can only articulate, “I don’t feel good.”

Dave hums sympathetically and runs his fingers through Klaus’ hair, “Baby, you’re burning up,” he observes.

“I know, I’m crazy hot,” Klaus quips halfheartedly.

“Yes, and you have quite the fever,” Dave places his hand on Klaus’ forehead. Klaus bats Dave’s hand away gently as they duck into their elbow, “n’xchGt! heh… hiH-nGXnx!”

Dave hesitates to bless his partner, who appears to be fighting a particularly stubborn sneeze. After an especially dramatic hitch, Klaus’ chest deflates, “Shoot, I lost it.”

Dave rolls his eyes and pulls Klaus closer to him, so the younger man is practically sitting on his lap.

“Wai-heh- Dave-,” Klaus warns, “I’mgonnasn-hehHrTSXChew! hh’kTSCHiew!”

Klaus’ second sneeze ends with a high pitched “ew”, resulting in a small smile from Dave, “Bless you, bug.”

“Sorry!” Klaus moves to sit up, but Dave wraps his arms around the sick man's waist and holds him close, “You’re going to get sick,” Klaus whines.

“I don’t mind,” Dave assures, “Have you had any medicine yet?”

Klaus nods, eyes drifting shut.

“M’kay, you should get some sleep.”

Klaus shakes their head, “I promised Luther I would help him with something or other.”

Dave can’t help but roll his eyes, “I’m sure you can do “something or other” another time, preferably when you’re not sick.”

Klaus gasps dramatically, “David! How dare you! I’m not sick, I’m simply enduring a cold.”

“I’m pretty sure those terms are synonymous-,” Dave pauses as Klaus’ face contorts, eyebrows knitting together, mouth falling open, and nose twitching, “Oh Klaus,” Dave cooes.

“Fre-heh-t not! I’m f-hih?-fine!” Klaus haphazardly talks through his hitching breaths. Dave presses a tissue into Klaus’ hand, “hih-hHTSCHew!”

Klaus snaps forward with a wet, spraying sneeze. A damp mist lingers in the air, but it goes unnoticed by Klaus, “heh-h’nGNxXtch!”

“Bless you!”

Klaus shakes their head, mouth still agape and nostrils still flaring, “heh….”

Dave sits up slightly, propping Klaus up and waiting for his cold ridden partner to sneeze.

“Daaaave,” Klaus whines, pawing at his nose after a particularly dramatic hitch, “it wo-heh-won’t come.”

“May I?” Dave asks, receiving an eagar nod from Klaus. Dave gently touches Klaus’ sensitive, red nose and applies pressure, tracing his finger along the bridge of Klaus’ nose.

Immediately, Klaus’ hitching becomes more intense, “heh-hih- right the-heh-therehHRSCHchew! n’GXNGt! heh-hnNGxsCHEw!”

Klaus sighs with relief, wiping at his nose and sniffing against the mess on his upper lip.

“Bless you, bug.”

Klaus burrows into Dave’s chest with a soft sniffle. The couple stays there for many hours, napping, talking, and (in Klaus’ case) sneezing.

the end! sorry for any grammatical or spelling errors. i hope you enjoyed!

[badsext]

Treat Yo’ Self

Treat Yo’ Self : An Umbrella Academy family story

Warnings: None

When Allison comes into the kitchen for her morning coffee, she notices a group of little paper bags lined up on the table. Each of them has a number written with black magic marker, reminding her of the way Grace used to pack their lunches. 

These are about a third the size of a lunch bag and decorated with little ghosts and things. Allison suddenly remembers the date, October 31st.

Halloween treat bags. How adorable! 

Halloween wasn’t the same without Claire, of course, but maybe a little Halloween treat might help to dull the pain.

She opens bag number three. It’s gummy bears. Her favorite. She crams a small handful into her mouth, then sits down to check the news and relax with some toast and coffee.

Diego comes in and gestures towards the bags. “These from mom?” 

“I guess so.”

Diego looks into his bag and smiles.

Viktor comes in next, followed by Five in his bathrobe. “Did someone call a family meeting?”

“Mom made us some Halloween treat bags.”

The four of them stand around chatting and enjoying the sweets. Diego notices that the first bag is missing. Luther’s an early riser. Diego figures he must have taken his already.

“Looks Like Luther already got his. And we won’t see Klaus ‘till noon.” 

Allison interrupts. “Hey, um…guys?” She is clutching the table, her eyes wide. “Anybody else feeling kinda weird right now?”

Viktor laughs. The lights flicker in response.  “No…yes…” He laughs again. “Definitely.”

Diego slumps back in his chair. He is watching the second hand on the clock, his eyes barely blinking.

Klaus comes into the kitchen rubbing his eyes, stretching and scratching the bit of abdomen exposed by his cropped t-shirt.

Noticing the unusual behavior, he turns to Five and asks “What’s going on here?”

But before Five can respond, Klaus takes in the sight of the bags circulated around the room and gasps. He starts to panic. “Christ on a cracker!”

“What is it, Klaus? What did you do?”

“Whelp, those are my drugs.”

“Yes. I can see that.” He gestures to the chaos around them. “But why did you label the bags with our numbers?”

“Those aren’t your numbers! Klaus gathers up the bags to inspect what is left. “The bags are labeled with my schedule. You see, THC brownies and gummies at two and three. Just a little wake and bake to take the edge off…It’s opioids at four and six.”

Five angrily holds a crumpled bag in Klaus’ face. “What about me? What did I just ingest?”

“Oh, that was just my lunch. You owe me a new sandwich by the way.”

The lights blink again. Utensils start coming out of various drawers and fly into the sink. The garbage disposal suddenly comes on. 

Five screams over the racket. “I’m afraid to ask what drugs you do at seven o’ clock.” 

Klaus cringes. “Just a few amphetamines for that evening pick me up.”

“Klaus, You imbecile!”

Luther enters looking rather peaked.

“Where have you been? You missed all the fun.”

Luther just groans and slumps over to the sink for a glass of water. 

“What was in his bag?”

“My morning laxatives.”

@sheehalloween​

[theseancekid]

@crosseddestiny​ sent: 👕 (of course manfred is wearing one!)

“All I’m saying is, if girls’ pants had more room in the crotch, my life would be so much easier! I mean, skirts are fine and dandy—this one is lovely—but sometimes I just need a pair of skinny jeans that hug my calves without making me look like I’m in a fucking boy band, y’know?”

He’s mostly talking to himself as he twirls in the mirror. Manfred’s grandmother had a very eccentric taste in clothes, but honestly Klaus feels like he’s pulling it off pretty well. Are there some fucked-up psychological implications from him dressing up in his boyfriend’s dead grandma’s clothes? Sure. But is that going to stop a bored Klaus Hargreeves on a slow Sunday afternoon with absolutely nothing better to do? Hell no. 

He turns back to Manfred to ask his opinion, and—

“Holy SHIT.” 

His shirt, which was discarded on the ground just a minute ago, looks absolutely gorgeous on Manfred. It’s one of his favorite little mesh numbers, black and cropped and deliciously slutty. It always fit him just right, but on Manfred’s broader shoulders, the fabric stretches just a bit, rakes up a bit higher than it does on Klaus. 

“Christ on a cracker, aren’t you a looker!” He lets out a breathy laugh as he moves closer. “Are we the two hottest people on earth? I think we’re the two hottest people on earth. Oh my god. You look...oh my god.”

[totouchthcstars]

@allxthingsxglxtter​ || Klaus for Diego

.｡.:*☆ “Diego.....?” Klaus blinked, needing a moment so the world in front of his eyes would finally shift into focus again. While he could not recall what exactly had happened to him last night, he was almost one-hundred percent sure it was his brother who was sitting there in front of him. Which was good. he liked the idea of his brother being around. Only, Klaus brain was too clouded to voice that yet.

“Jesus Christ on a cracker.... where are we here?” It was not his apartment, that Klaus could tell. It did not look as messy as he place, for  a start. And it did smell better, as well. “And why am I only wearing a bathrobe and socks?”

[theseance444]

when you didn't show up, i started to worry. ( lila )

Opening the front door to the academy, Klaus nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard her voice. Lila was not the person Klaus expected to find, up waiting for him.

"Christ on a cracker, Lila--you trying to give me a heart attack?" he gasped, clutching his chest dramatically. But seeing the look on her face had him laughing nervously. "I uh--I guess I missed family dinner, huh?"

[lees-unhinged-reactions]

"shut your pie hole, ben! said with love."

"christ on a cracker!" i say this all the time cus of him

omg the little "yesterday" montage of what klaus did with that box he stole 😭😭

[carlosinnightvale]

love to hyperfixate on a character where the writers gave them a few horrendously dumb lines. gonna start saying “exsqueeze me” and “christ on a cracker” 100% unironically

[firstpersonnarrator]

credit: RavenHargreeves on Twitter

[rustic-space-fiddle]

[armandyke]

fuck marry kill: diego eudora klaus (and no klaus doesn't come back form the dead that would be way too easy)

This sucks because I gotta fuck Patch because I’m a lesbian but then that means I gotta kill either Klaus or Diego and honestly the difficult part isn’t deciding which one to kill but deciding which one would be slightly more tolerable if I married them HKAJHKDSAJ it would probably be Diego I guess but still an L for me 😔

[queerdiego]

straight line:

_____________

dashed line:

- - - - - - - -

iconic line:

whew! christ on a cracker! that was a close one, huh? dave? dave?!

[switch-bladefights]

oh don’t mind me, I’m just thinking about how filming for tua s2 has begun and Rob Sheehan still has his curly hair uwu

[yass-klaus]

Literal mood! 😱

GIF source: @codenameseance

[theseancekid]

@crosseddestiny sent: i've never even kissed a guy before. (from kay!! it's probably pretty obvious that she's never had the chance to do anything with anyone but like, her talking about it because the media is all in her face since she's been free).

"It's not even anyone's business!" Klaus throws his hands in the air as he locks the door behind them, still riled from the sudden onslaught of asshole journalists and their never-ending drones of the most ridiculous, invasive questions.

"You can shoot lightning! From your goddamned fingertips!! And those dickbags wanna know if you're single?! I mean— Christ on a cracker, gimme a break!" He's pacing now, back and forth behind the curtained window, peeking out every now and again to see if they'd been followed.

"Y'know, it was the same shit for me. At the time, I loved it, though. I ate that shit up. Did all the Teen Beat and Secret Crush Magazine interviews. Talked about my ideal date, what hair product I used, do I prefer blondes or brunettes. Only now that I think about it as a grown ass man, it was kinda fucked up that they had a 13-year-old do all that shit, and anyway I—"

Her confession breaks his stream of consciousness, and he stands stock still as the solemn tone of her voice touches some tender ache in his heart. Of course, Klaus understands why it is that she doesn't have this particular experience under her belt. Hell, there are so many things she hasn't gotten to do, frankly, kissing isn't even in the top ten things Klaus has yet to show her. There's rollerblading and mint chocolate ice cream and Nirvana's discography and so much weed and he wants to tell her this, but she's still got that little crease between her brows.

So instead he leans closer, presses a gentle kiss to her cheek.

"There. Kissed a guy! Congrats! Well. Somewhat of a guy. I think I mostly qualify."

[cultkaneko]

That was a close one huh Dave? DAVE?!?!

[sees-ghosts]

Like for a starter from Klaus!