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charles-and-camilla-fanfictions · 3 years

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Jealousy - Part 3

This is part 3 of 4 in a short story set in 1978.

“I love Scotland in early June. It really has the best of weather at this time of year.” She said that as she bent down to run her fingers over the crest of the water and then flicked it upwards to splash her son. That caused a riot as Tom retaliated and she clasped onto Charles’s arms and hid behind his back. He loved the feel of her hands against his bare skin. Even wet with the sea water they felt warm against him. “You’re a torment.” She kissed his back, between his shoulder blades as a response, brushing her cheek slightly against him, then calmed her son down, squatting in the ankle high water and drawing him to her. “If we stay very still, we’ll be able to see the fish. They’ll come out of their hiding places.” Her voice was a whisper but it carried on the wind. Sure enough, she was correct and under the sparkle of the tiny lapping waves in the sandy pool, a whole shoal of darting fish emerged from the seaweed. “They’re gobys. I think those ones are two spot gobys. Give me your net.” Quickly, she dipped into the water and sure enough pulled out a fish. Keeping it submerged in the water, she pulled the net so Tom could see. “See the black spot on its tail? That’s a two spot goby. Also you’ll find it poking around the seaweed. Why do you think it stays in the seaweed?” Tom prodded at the fish with his chubby finger. “To hide?” “Exactly. Clever boy. To hide from predators, other fish and crabs which might eat it.” His back was burning from where she’d kissed him and he could still feel her fingers against him. It was so difficult to pull away from the immediate fantasy of her. He tried to think of the cold water against his ankles, the sun on his shoulders. She hadn’t hitched up her shorts enough so they were trailing in the water but he knew she wouldn’t care. He enjoyed watching her interact with Tom. She was everything he had never experienced in his own childhood. It made his heart grow with a strange sort of pride that had nothing to do with him. He also enjoyed watching Tom’s serious reactions to everything new. It made him spend hours seeking out different activities that he would enjoy, mentioning them to Camilla nonchalantly on the phone, whilst they chatted, as though he’d thought of them by chance. He wished he could be there to see them together more often. “Shall we take him crabbing?” “We’ve not got any bait. Anyway, he needs to get used to the net first.” There was a wail from the beach and Camilla sighed. “That’s your call.” “Feed me Seymour.” He laughed. “Go and satisfy your daughter.” “She’s never satisfied. The sooner she’s on solids, the better. Don’t touch that, Tom! It’s a jellyfish!” “Yummy!” “Not that sort of jelly.” She made parenting seem chaotic. Even with help she seemed stretched in all directions, with Tom being far too clingy with her. A very loving and slightly manic chaos. And she was utterly fed up with being tied to feeding her baby every few hours. He’d found her with an odd contraption stuck on her breast, literally milking her on her first day here. Granted, she’d burst straight into tears when she saw he had seen her and it had taken a good twenty minutes to reassure her afterwards. “Oh, it’s been days since I had one of these blues moods. I thought they’d stopped.” “I think some of that was shock and another part was inbuilt shame. Shame for something your body does naturally to keep your baby alive.” Of course, he’d insisted on watching, to her mortification and ignored her protests of her having nothing sacrosanct left with a chuckle. After her admitting what she was doing, and why, “so I can have a night in peace,” he managed to extract from her that there was an extra level of shame here, about her not being a good enough mother. He assured her that everyone felt that, without actually knowing if what he was saying was true or not. He watched her now, although with one eye on Tom, as she hid under a blanket. There was no one on the beach other than the nanny. He rolled his eyes. With just him, now, at least, she’d stopped bothering. The one night her nanny had off,

Laura slept in her room, with the both of them and when she cried for food, Camilla retrieved her, climbed back under the covers with him, shoved her pyjama top over her head and plonked her baby on her chest unceremoniously. “It’s meant to be a wonderful bonding experience.” “Good God I wish she’d sleep through the night.” He watched Laura reaching for her, her mouth opening in greedy anticipation, Camilla with her eyes closed, ignored her, and he moved Laura into position so she could feed. It wasn’t long until Camilla sighed and sat up a bit to watch her and to hold her and stroke her back. “It is nice. It’s a nice feeling. I really do enjoy it. I love how close she is. But I’m so tired. I just want to sleep. I just want to stop being a cow.” She was silent for a while and they both watched Laura. “The noises she makes. They’re so adorable, I want to eat her up. The way she grunts and sighs, it makes me laugh… Oh, she’s so beautiful. Look at her. She’s so greedy. Yes you are, my beautiful, you’re a hungry little girl, aren’t you. Have you finished sucking me dry, my little, greedy girl?” She placed her on her shoulder to Laura’s displeasure and she tried to cry in between spluttering out the milk. The crying continued and her tiny limbs wriggled out her unhappiness. “Really? You want a second boob? I can’t keep up with you, Darling. Please to God let this send you to sleep.” But it didn’t and she got up, pacing the room with the baby crying each time she stopped bouncing her on her shoulder. “Please go to sleep.” “Milla...” “I’m sorry. I’ll take her out. Then I won’t disturb you.” “Camilla, don’t you dare. I chose to sleep next to you tonight. It’s the one night I get to be with you. I knew what that entailed. But you look like you’re going to crack. Let me get dressed and I’ll take her for a walk.” “I’m her mother.” “If I didn’t mean it, I wouldn’t offer.” “Thank you.” “Did you know babies are programmed to cry. It means that their parents won’t have sex. They get resources to themselves for longer and they’re more likely to survive.” “Cunning and effective evolutionary strategy. But the idea of sex…” “Yes, you’ve told me. You’re broken and have no desire at all.” “I’m not broken now.” “That’s good to know.” He took the baby from her and she wiped sick from around Laura’s mouth. “What’s desire again?” He chuckled. “Well, perhaps it’s morphed into a need for sleep?” “Definitely.” She climbed into bed and slipped onto his side, taking his pillow and pushing her face into it. He smiled and dimmed the lights. He and Laura enjoyed a good chatter around the castle. She was the perfect listener. She was wide awake and smiling at him as he talked to her and pointed things out to her, trudging softly around each nook and cranny, turning on every light and examining everything around him. He’d just started explaining a portrait to her when her eyes closed and she slumped against him, her breathing telling him she was asleep. Thankful for this, he walked back to Camilla’s room, placed her down and crawled back into bed with Camilla, his clothes dumped at the side of the bed in a heap. “You’re freezing.” “Warm me up, then.” His arms slipped around her and he felt her warm hands slide up his back. “I thought you’d be asleep.” “I am asleep.” He smiled. Her bare chest felt so good against his and he tightened his arms around her shoulders, around the base of her back to hold her closer. His fingers stroked down the hollow of her spine, so gently, and he heard her slight intake of breath with surprise. “Are you okay?” “Yes.” It was whispered to him quietly. “That feels good. Whatever you’re doing.” He could feel her tensing against him, ever so slightly shifting her body and then her fingers grasped onto his neck and he found her lips pressed against his. These weren’t like the safe, soft kisses they had shared since she had arrived. These were slow and deep and sent shockwaves through his body. He let his hand trail down her spine and over her bottom, his fingers spread out and slightly digging in before he moved back to her

spine again. He continued to run his fingers up and down her back, venturing out each time to a new place, her hips, her stomach, the side of her breasts. Feeling her gasp when he touched her, feeling her kiss get more intense to where she pulled him on top of her. He was split into two opposing sentiments. It had been so long since he’d made love to her. He wanted her. He wanted her so badly it was agony to be so slow. And the antithesis; a niggling sense that perhaps not like this. Perhaps not when she was so unsure about what she wanted. Perhaps not in the same room as her baby. He felt her tugging at his briefs, felt her shoving down her pyjama bottoms, felt her skin under his and decided that he wanted her far too much to stop her. Her tongue slipping into his mouth made him push down against her and she grasped onto his back, pulling him closer, pressing against him, making him ache for her. He wouldn’t initiate anything. That was as good as he could be. Her initiation, her decision. “I want you.” Her voice caressed through his body and then he felt her teeth against his neck. “Are you sure?” He didn’t know where the words came from. “No. But I want you.” He didn’t know whether that was a yes or a no but she didn’t move to try to get him to push into her. He kept kissing her and she relaxed but tensed up again when she felt him move slightly. She gave a little squeak and tried to pull herself up, away from him. “You’re not ready, are you?” “I want to. I’m scared. I’ve never been scared.” He sighed and rolled to the side of her, pulling her against him and wrapping her in his arms, kissing the top of her head repeatedly. “I’m sorry.” “No. It’s me. I’m sorry.” “We were meant to talk about this first. I’m sorry.” “You feel so good. I’d forgotten what you feel like.” “Don’t cry, Darling, it’s okay.” “What if I never get better?” “You will. You just take time to heal. If you’d broken your leg, you wouldn’t be apologising for it not being fixed already. I’m just glad you still find me attractive.” “You’re going to go off and sleep with one of your other fancy women.” “That’s a little unfair.” “But true.” She tried to pull away from him but he held her tightly. “Would you want me to stop seeing anyone else?” “No. I know you have to.” “That’s not what I asked.” She pushed her face into his neck and ignored his question. He felt her nestle into him and let his nose tangle in her hair, breathing her in. This was different to last time, to the time before. She seemed so much older and much more vulnerable. They used to laugh about his various conquests and she’d tease him about them. She’d never been grumpy about them. He’d never hidden anyone from her. Not until recently. But it had seemed wrong to talk to her about sleeping with other women, and there had been that slight change in the current between them. And then she became pregnant and he knew how conscious she felt about being fat, about feeling unattractive. And even though she had been the one to call things off between them, he’d felt like he was doing something wrong. So he’d not told her about the other women he was having affairs with. Just about the ongoing search for a wife. Judging from her comment, she knew about them anyway. A mixture of guilt and self righteousness washed over him. It wasn’t fair for her to make any sort of claim on him. She was the one who was married. He was entitled to sleep with whoever he pleased. But the indignation didn’t shave away the fact that she was a lot more than just a women he was sleeping with. That she was the one he called, day in, day out for love, for tenderness, for understanding. That she was the one habit he couldn’t break when attempting to find a suitable girlfriend. He cared about the others, but he loved her. “I never changed my mind.” “What about?” He tried to pull away to see her face but she held on and he had to just listen to her quiet voice, deep yet a little unsure. “I still want to kiss you. I still want to lie in your arms forever. I still wish we were lying here, looking after our baby. It hasn’t

changed. And, Darling, you have been so wonderful with me but it needs to stop. I can’t fall in love with you. It’s going to hurt too much when I lose you.” “What are you saying?” “I’m saying you need to make sure I’m not the only woman in your life. Because this could very easily become a love affair that destroys us. I can’t be the only person you think about. I need to know that you’re not mine. Don’t hide things from me. I don’t want to slip into a pretence.” “So you want me to do what Andrew does to you?” “No. I need to not have you being everything I wish he would be. It’s too difficult. Don’t bind me to you so tightly it destroys me when you get married.” “I want you to bind yourself to me. I want you to need me, to want me.” “I can’t. I can’t be so in love with you.” “What does that even mean?” “You’ll know when you feel it.” “That’s rather condescending. We’re going to love each other a great deal. We’ve so much shared experience and history built over years. You can’t stop that. Love just grows over time.” “No it doesn’t. You have to work at it.” “We don’t work at it.” “Yes we do. We take the time to be together. We talk. We try to do things together to build memories. We support each other. We nurture our relationship very thoroughly.” “Through all those things, love grows. Yes, okay. But what’s this ‘in-love’? It’s a nonsensical fantasy. It’s the fairytale that’s shoved down our throats and sold as though it’s real life. ‘I fell in love with her at first sight’. What utter Trollope.” “Did you not fall in love with me at first sight?” “No. I didn’t know you. I was attracted to you at first sight. You were very exciting. But I needed to talk to you, to laugh with you, to get to know you before anything like love could start.” “I think there’s a distinction between loving someone and being ‘in love’ with someone.” “I think it’s a load of rubbish.” “You’re a load of rubbish.” “You’re incredibly annoying. But absolutely wonderful.” He kissed her ear before pushing his tongue into it, hearing her giggle with a smile. “What about…” He pushed her over, onto her back again and propped himself onto his elbow to look at her. The curtains were heavy but there was enough early morning light peeking through for him to be able to see her outline. “What about if I go on a fact finding mission?” “Fact find…” But he had slipped his hand down her body and somewhere around her stomach, the words had been forgotten. “Fact finding mission, Darling. Find out exactly what you want me to do and what you don’t.” He kissed down her neck as he reached for that soft skin on the inside of her thigh. It was the best place for his hand. So, so soft and surprisingly warm. He liked to just hold onto her there. Partly because the slightest movement of his fingers there made her body react, and partially because it was so intimate. He felt like she belonged to him. “I think it’s important for me to know…” He trailed his lips over her clavicle and down her chest. “…which parts of you are still broken, and which parts are demanding my attention.” Sometimes, being the person with all the power, yet not the satisfaction, is the more pleasurable role. It wasn’t a role he was used to playing but as he obsessed over her, he decided it was one he needed to play more regularly. Watching her desire him, respond to him, reading her face, her movements, all those instinctive signs that she wanted him. Hearing her stifle her moan and feeling her hips press up against his mouth and then continuing until she had to call out again, and moan his name as quietly as she could. Knowing that she trusted him completely and revelling in those breathy kisses, where she clung to him, her body hot and sticky, her eyes so dark they shone at him with an intensity he would die to get used to. She fell asleep long before he would have wanted to stop and then he realised that he wasn’t even remotely tired. There was only so long he could actually watch her sleep before he found himself bored and after a few hours he found himself a useful pastime when he realised Laura

was awake. Dressing quickly, he scooped her up, finding her calm and interested in the world around her. Wrapping her up, he took her out onto the terrace, into the soft warmth of the morning sun. There, he propped her up so she could see, not that he was certain how much she could see yet, and started telling her all about the landscape around them. When he looked down at her, he found her seriously studying his face and met her eyes, his crinkling down at her. “So really, Laura, you’ll see it’s quite difficult to find people who agree with me about all this. But you’re right, we should be trying to make our local farms as self sustaining as possible.” Laura smiled at him and started burbling. “Well I’m glad you’re in agreement.” She really was beautiful. Her little cooing and then blowing out of bubbles. “Morning, Darling.” Laura turned at her mother’s voice, instantly, and her face scrunched up to complain, a whine escaping her mouth. “Yes, Darling, I know. I’m here.” She kissed him on the cheek before taking Laura off him, who settled against her chest, resuming her cooing. “Your hair’s a little wild, my Darling.” “Can’t think why.” He kissed her then, feeling her press back strongly before moving to stand behind her, his arms wrapped around them both, enjoying the sunlight. “Look at her. Someone’s hungry.” He placed a kiss on her neck before looking down at Laura and chuckled. Her mouth was open, drooling and he could see her trying to suck Camilla’s pyjama top into her mouth. “You won’t get much there, little one.” “You really are feeding her constantly.” “It’s never ending. She’s grown so much this past week and has needed so much food! It’s really getting difficult. She’s not always full and I don’t really want to move her onto formula. My sister keeps on going on about it. Apparently I’m really old fashioned and it’s really ‘icky’ to be breastfeeding.” “I can’t imagine my mother breastfeeding me.” She laughed. “Did you have a wet nurse?” “No! I wasn’t born in the 1800s!” “Carnation milk on a spoon?” “Surprisingly enough, I can’t remember.” “My mother breastfed me.” “Of course.” “Why ‘of course’?” “Because you have a healthy relationship with your mother. And she didn’t even have a nanny.” Laura started to scream, evidently getting frustrated from her futile efforts to feed and Camila rushed her inside. He followed her, sitting next to her on the sofa. “The other thing I don’t do, which I get told off for not doing, is spacing. Apparently I’m meant to listen to her crying like this, that cry which is like a knife through me and not feed her. I don’t know how. It hurts. My boobs ache when she cries like this. I have to feed her. But I’m told I have to feed her no sooner than four hours apart. It’s no good. I can’t do it. I’m certain her nanny does. But I just can’t. I hear her and that’s it. My boobs start leaking. Yes for you, that’s right, my greedy little princess. All for you.” Laura just guzzled happily, her blue eyes looking up at her mother’s. Camilla wasn’t particularly talkative whilst she was feeding her, other than cooing at Laura. He’d heard of men who got jealous when their children took all their wife’s attention and could see how it might happen, if you didn’t have the relationship with the child yourself. He wasn’t sure how you could fail to bond with a baby, though. The impulse to interact with her was instinct. Laura wasn’t his and he was bonded with her. He had a bond with Tom too, although he hadn’t seen as much of Tom when he was really little. It seemed a strange thing to fail to do. “Do you know, Darling, it really was a good job we didn’t have sex last night.” “We did have sex last night.” “Well… I mean…” “What about it made it seem to you to not be us having sex?” “There was a major part missing…” “Did I not satisfy you?” “Of course…” “Define sex.” “You’re such a pedant. Okay. What I meant was, it’s a really good thing we didn’t have ‘penetrative sex’ last night.” “Did we not? Was there no penetration?” “Oh my God, you can be annoying…” He smirked at her. “Go on…” “Well we would have

been using no form of contraception…” “You’re still breast feeding.” “It’s not a guarantee.” “Well perhaps you need to go to the doctors.” “I can’t.” “Why not?” “Because, my Darling, I still need my husband’s permission to get it.” “Really?” “Yes and no. Technically I can. But my doctor doesn’t believe that a woman should get contraception without her husband’s agreement. What am I meant to do, drag Andrew along and then tell him I don’t want to be having sex with him yet? That this is for the man I’m having an affair with, not him?” “I don’t think Andrew would care.” “He bloody would.” “Yes, I suppose he would.” “Anyway, supposing I find another doctor, there’s nothing I can use.” “What’s wrong with the pill.” “I’m breastfeeding.” “I don’t actually know anything else. Well except the obvious.” “Condoms?” “I was thinking coitus interuptus actually.” “You are shockingly bad at either.” “I am not. I’m very diligent actually.” “Well you’re not with me.” “That’s different.” He felt the atmosphere change the second the words came out of his mouth. “I didn’t…” “Why is it okay to be less careful with my health, with my body than with anyone else?” He looked across at her, hearing anger in her voice, seeing that she was upset. His mind whizzed with thoughts about how to justify what he’d just said. He couldn’t think of anything. “Because I knew you were on the pill.” That was the wrong thing to say. He knew that the second he said it. “So when I’d asked you to be careful for whatever reason I might have had and you ‘couldn’t manage it’ for whatever ridiculous reason you had, it was because it was me, and you didn’t think it was important, because I’m not important. Who cares about her honor, her marriage, her life. But with everybody else, you thought you would respect their wishes, you would respect them. And you couldn’t extend that same respect to me?” He stood with his mouth part open as if to speak but with no words to come out. It was such a flippant remark but it was true and he had nothing to say to defend himself. “This was the reason we stopped sleeping together. You’d get so carried away and we wouldn’t be careful. And now you say you can be. But you don’t think I’m worth the effort?” “I do think you’re worth the effort. You are important…” She raised her hand and shut him off. “I’ve taken responsibility, the entire time, I don’t know why. I guess I just thought you were clueless. And I accepted it. And it turns out you are just like Andrew, after all. In your own way, it all about you and your needs. So incredibly selfish. And I’m just, not worthy of your care or regard. Not if it impacts your life in any way negatively.” “Milla… Please…” But she turned on her heel and headed back into the grounds of the castle. He didn’t follow her. She needed to calm down and he needed to figure out a way of explaining himself. She was sat stone still when he returned inside to find her. He could tell she was upset although her face now was expressionless. He pulled up an arm chair and sat adjacent to her. Reaching for her hand, she let him take it but it was cold and limp. “Let me at least try to explain…” She didn’t respond. “I’m sorry. I have some attempt at a reason but really, I’m just sorry.” There was a pause but she wasn’t helping him. “You were my first serious girlfriend. The first woman I ever spoke to about anything to do with sex. I didn’t even think about any forms of contraception before that. It wasn’t something I needed to think about. Not until you. You’re going to hate this, but I was really young. I wasn’t ‘grown up’. Not like you. And I just didn’t take it seriously. To be honest, Milla, it was even more stupid than that. I just assumed I was going to marry you. So who cared? We were going to have children anyway. And I didn’t think about you, in terms of what you wanted. I was just thinking about myself. And I’m so sorry. I really am… “And then you married someone else. And I was hit with the stark realisation that I did not want any of these women I was with after you to get pregnant. In fact, one of them

might use it as an opportunity to ‘bag’ me. And I’d be stuck with some miserable woman for life because I couldn’t be careful for a scant few minutes.” He looked up to see if his self deprecating comment had made her smile. It hadn’t, but there were slight creases around her mouth which told him she had found it amusing. “When we started sleeping together again, it was a mixture of things. Habit. From both of us. Some of it was a bit tongue in cheek, a bit of a reference to times gone by. I didn’t realise you didn’t trust me. It was such a relief to be sleeping with you, sometimes I really wanted to have something to bind you to me. But I never ever did. I wasn’t actually careless. I was being flippant. I’m sorry. But it came from the truth and I’m sorry. I can’t really excuse myself other than pleading youth and naivety. “And, my Darling, there is a little bit around expectations too. You expected me to behave that way, so I did. And I wasn’t mature enough evidently to take responsibility and change how you thought of me and change the way you thought I should behave. I just carried on. So I guess I didn’t challenge your expectations, instead, I lived up to them. “But you need to tell me when something upsets you. I find out about it afterwards. After you have stewed on it for months. For years in this case. You need to tell me. I want you to think well of me. I want to be better for you. But I don’t know how. Not always. You need to tell me.” He reached over and kissed her and she responded. Two strained, awkward kisses. To apologise, for comfort, and then he got up and left her to think, to give her time to respond. She didn’t come to find him, although he waited in the most obvious places he could think of; his study, the library. Eventually, he realised she wasn’t coming and went in search of her. It wasn’t difficult. He followed the noise. He found her sat on the floor in the bathroom, cradling a screaming Laura whilst Tom stood by the bath tub, completely naked, howling. “What’s wrong?” “There’s no bubble bath.” “This is over bubble bath?” “Evidently.” He grabbed an enormous towel and wrapped it around Tom, lifting him up and taking him out of the bathroom. He had no idea what he was going to do with him, furious with Camilla for giving her nanny time off. Tom went limp in his arms, his howls more like sobs now than fits of temper. He sat down on the next available chair and held him. “I want bubble bath…” “I know, Thomas. But there isn’t any.” “There is. Mummy’s…not listening.” His chest was rising with great wracking sobs that he was trying to control. “I think your Mummy was a little busy with your baby sister.” “She only loves her now. Not me.” “That’s not true. She’s just so little she needs more help and more love than you. You’re a big boy so you can do things yourself, can’t you?” Tom nodded, tearfully. “When we go back, you can give Mummy a great big hug and a kiss and then you can have your bath.” “Bubble bath.” “I’ve not got any bubble bath, Tom.” “I have. In my bag. Nanny put it specially for me.” Charles agreed to collect the bubble bath with him, and then picked up the dropped towel as Tom climbed off his knee and reached for his hand to take him there. He had his other thumb in his mouth but now didn’t seem a good time to say anything about it. The bathroom was much calmer by the time they returned. Laura was lain, freshly bathed on a towel and was on her tummy, trying to lift herself up. Camilla was still sitting on the floor but resting her back against the wall, looking down adoringly at Laura. “Mummy…” She looked up at her son and held out her arms. Tom crawled into her lap and rested his head on her chest as she gave him a squeeze. “Are you ready to get in the bath, now?” “Yes.” “Good boy. Go on then.” “Kiss.” He proffered his face to her and she kissed all over, making him giggle. “Bath.” He scrambled to his feet as she gave him a well timed pat on the bottom, making him laugh. Then Charles grabbed his arms and lifted him into the bath. Tom looked at it and he put his finger to his lips

before shaking his hand in the water, generating bubbles. Tom nodded seriously and smiled, sitting down and making the water bubble, singing to himself as he did so. When he looked back at Camilla, she was back to cooing at Laura and he found himself strangely redundant. Quietly, he turned to leave. “Charles?” That stopped him, he looked down at her. “Sit with me.” There wasn’t much room but he wasn’t arguing, squeezing next to her. She turned her head towards him, speaking in a very low voice so that Tom couldn’t overhear. “I don’t like that you take no heed of our shared responsibility. I want it to be shared. I want to be able to trust you.” “I know… I know…” “I hate that you hide your sex life from me. It means I’m not actually making an informed decision. And it really hurts to hear it from somebody else, telling me to see my reaction. You need to be man enough to tell me yourself. I won’t like it. I’m not going to pretend I do. Just give me a bit of space to digest it.” “Okay…” “I want to be first choice. If it comes to a choice between seeing me or going out with some other fluzy you’re sleeping with, pick me.” “Darling, I’d pick you over any potential wife.” “Don’t wind me up about Andrew. Don’t make smart remarks about him or those pointed comments you love to make. Andrew hurts me, yes, but I love him and I can’t cope with you pointing out his flaws like I don’t know them. I can’t change him. I have to just accept him. Don’t make it harder for me.” He understood what she was saying now. “Is there anything else?” “Not that I can think of.” “Okay.” “What’s your list?” “My list?” “Of things you’d like to let me know?” “Oh. Don’t sleep with anyone else. I want to be the only person. I accept you don’t have a choice with your husband. But no one else.” “You do.” “I know. But I won’t now. I’m just looking for a wife. I will dump all the others. Nicely. So they might tail off but they’re going.” “Thank you. There’s never been anyone other than you. That’s an easy ask.” “Let me see you when you’re feeling vulnerable don’t close off and push me away.” He looked down at her face, looking worriedly at him. “That one harder, yes?” She nodded. “And tell me when things upset you. That’s a hard one too. I know.” Tom was singing a theme tune badly, and rather loudly in the bath, “Dee dah dee dah dee dah doh doh, deee dah dee dee doh...” Laura was fast asleep on her tummy. He kissed Camilla on the temple, knowing Tom couldn’t see. She smiled at him before getting on her knees and peering over the bathtub at Tom. “Oodalaly oodalaly golly what a day!” He could hear Tom giggling at her singing and not for the first time felt the sting of regret that this wasn’t his life and she wasn’t his wife. “Robin Hood and little John walking through the forest…” “Oodalaly oodalaly golly what a day!” “That’s not the words Mummy!” “Sing it for me, Darling.”

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