#clkclkclk

[h-elm]

[utilitycaster]

vows and vengeance ended beautifully with a bittersweet ending, the mood of which was then broken by the announcer, who has an extremely good voice, saying "Matt Mercer as Manfred" and I once again recalled that Matthew Mercer is only here to go scllllllllllllllllllllllllllll hssssss clkclkclk and started laughing again

[h-elm]

[h-elm]

Feeling incomplete without Henry.

Seven years ago I shared this on my original Tumblr account before it was deleted.

I wrote this about eight years ago. I remember the first person I shared this with, and afterwards how quickly he shifted from a teasing laughter immediately to words of confidence, warmth and encouragement with a seriousness to them that told me we spoke the same language. We always will. - I miss you an extrodinay amount, and only I'm sharing this because you made me promise to leave it in the office on the bored for a month... and i took it down quietly after just a week.

Whale Belly.

The weightless current holds you like a seed, and your eyes are still closed? Too small - to know or think or feel a thing, you think, there's only you, little calf. Over hours, days or years a spine grows, and you know you hold a million years inside the lines on your hands, God's plans, tucked inside your little mind, child. You think there's only you, little calf, floating seed, God speed you on your growing up.

Dusty water growing thick, the sky is high and miles away, the black water soon turns grey and light, your skin glows and grows, it glows. Your weightless body grows covered in veins, and wains there in the haunting echo, you know, heart beats mean you're both alive, your mind, you begin to grab a sense of time. "Where am I?"

You stretch and flex and wriggle your wings, tiny apple in your throat knows how to sing, and when you scream slow motion comes out, sleeping in the whale belly. This giant tomb is cold and long, you can only hope to get lost on, your way around this floating map, giant cosmos in this belly.

You are planets, you are moon, and you are the lonely sun that sets for only you. When you speak, only echo answer you, getting lonelier and big, sink. When you swim you swim for days, when you're lost, there is no way, when you sleep, you dream in brown, in the whale belly.

You learn how to not need a way, you learn how to sleep all day, you grow giant, and learn how to pray, and thank God for the whale belly. The spongy walls fall to your chest, cave in as well and pillow your head, you are, you are inside your bed, giant in the whale belly. You feel strong and you feel brave, growing, you have found your way, the space you faced has swallowed you whole, and you know exactly what and who you are. Complete and safe. Whole and grown.

In utero you, happy, for 4 million years, all your thoughts have took root here, they grow like fruits out of your ears, and they smile at you completely. But now you have this, your fruits and roots, now you have this, now you have this, the pillows quake and break like biscuits, the walls push all against you. Who and why, this war and me, pushing me from the happening, rip my roots and spill my seeds, birthed out to, the open sea. No more whale belly.

Without the womb you’re not big any more, without the womb you don't know who you are any more, the sea is huge and blankets you, no more whale belly. You are a flea on a camel’s back, you are a white spot on the giant black, and you are lost again in a floating map, without your whale belly.

You are planets, you are moon, and you are the lonely sun that sets for only you. When you speak, only echo answer you, getting lonelier and big, sink.

[h-elm]

You can't wake up, this is not a dream

You're part of a machine, you are not a human being

With your face all made up, living on a screen

Low on self-esteem, so you run on gasolinem

[h-elm]

[h-elm]

[h-elm]

[h-elm]

[h-elm]

[h-elm]

clkclkclk's shop

[h-elm]

[h-elm]

Lately, when I'm talking

I don't talk to you

In my own apartment

It's not a conversation

You're not in the room

So much empty space

Don't know how to break up

Don't know how to stay

[h-elm]

I didn’t call you by any other name

I let you know that I knew the true nature of your heart

That it was evil, and that it convinced me that darkness was real

that the devil is a real devil

and that monsters don’t always know that they’re monsters

But projections is an amazing thing

after you left and burnt the house down

you tried to convince me that it was I who was holding the matches

You told me that I didn’t know who I was, but I do

I love the great sequoias of Yosemite

I love rose gardens

I plant violets every time someone leaves me

And if you asked my sister to describe the first thing she thinks of when she thinks of me

she would say "camp fire smoke"