#cobie smulders x teen!reader

[juiles]

All to well

Plot: idk. have fun!

Type: angst and fluff

Warnings: i am in no way saying that this is how all autistic people are!! This fic is based off my PERSONAL experience with autism and sensory overload. Please remember this as you read!!

Masterlist here!

Request here!

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Being autistic has drawbacks for a normal person, but for an actress in Marvel movies, it was tough. I’m proud of who I am but I didn’t want the pitying looks, the comments or being stuck as only getting the “autistic” role so for my own sake, I’m not super open about it.

My parents are ashamed of it so they never told anyone and I was forced to mask anytime I was around anyone. Not even Scar knew, and she was my best friend, almost a mother figure to me. I didn’t want her to think any different of me. She’s known me since i was 7 and played her on screen adopted daughter in Iron Man 2.

We’re filming Endgame right now. I’m on my way to set with Scarlett. Today has been a rough day for me so far as my parents woke me up by screaming at me which then caused me to struggle in keeping my mask up. Scar picked me up and I’m already exhausted, I’ve caught myself stimming a few times and quickly stopped it.

When we pulled into the parking lot, i grabbed my bag and walked with her through set to our trailers where we left our stuff and we’re immediately shuffled to makeup and costumes.

“Oh shit…” I mutter staring at the costume in Erica’s hand. “I didn’t realize it was a fight scene today…”

“Babe.” Erica, my assistant and on set guardian says. She’s known about me since the first day which was when i was 7. “You’ve known about this for a week. Are you okay?”

“I’m super over stimulated right now…” I murmur tapping my leg in sets of 7, a common stim for me.

“Let’s do hair and makeup first okay? Keep you out of the costume until the last second okay?” I nod and the two of us move to hair and makeup where Scarlett is getting her hair done.

“Hey, where’s your costume kid?” She asks looking over at me.

“I uh-“ I glance at Erica who steps in for me quickly.

“It had a small tear in it so it’s getting fixed quickly.” Scarlet merely hums in response and I sit. Getting my wig on and makeup done is awful, having everyone touching me and all their voices so close to me ears. I feel a soft hand on my cheek and peek my eyes open to see Scar staring at me in concern.

“Stop grinding your jaw babe…” I release my jaw, not even realizing i had been doing it. “You okay love? You disappeared for a bit there.” I respond with a hum, my voice disappearing from within. “Let’s get your costume on and to set okay?”

I look around quickly and don’t see Erica, Scarlet must see the panic as she quickly says. “She got called away in an emergency. I’m going to be your guardian today.” I nod, feeling the panic bubble up in my chest, but give her a soft smile.

The two of us make our way to my trailer and she helps me quickly slip into the suit. I immediately want to rip it off as it’s skin tight and an uncomfortable material. It feels like it’s digging into my skin and pulling it away as if it’s velcro and my skin is the other side. I take a deep breath and come out to see Scar in costume waiting. “Ready?” I nod and we head to set where I realize it’s a busy day, all original 6 avengers, Lizzie, both Paul’s, Gwen and Cobie are all there. I internally groan as immediately, the girls are coming over to me and Scar talking a mile a minute. I stand next to Scarlett silently until Lizzie turns to me. “Hey kiddo. Ready to fight? We have to fly today.” My eyes widen for a moment before i force a smile and nod at the fake red head in front of me.

“What? Cat got your tongue?” This makes everyone around us laugh but it makes me feel awful. I have no voice, it comes and goes, when it’s gone, my parents ridicule me, I get hit. I look down as i feel my tears well up in my eyes and blink rapidly trying to will them away. I thank god silently when Joe calls us to places which means i get away from the now very suddenly concerned looking Scarlett, Lizzie and Cobie. I’m stuck with Renner as I get rigged up, the feeling of being sick suddenly appearing as more people touch me.

I feel the lump in my throat tighten and the feeling of the harness wrapped around me suddenly makes me feel like it’s constricting my breathing and everyone around me disappeared as my hands flung to the harness, in my panic my hands struggled with the buckle which just made me more infuriated and grunts started coming out as my tears blurred my vision.

I feel a set of hands on mine holding them down, i scream and rip mine away and start scratching at my throat trying to rip it open to get a breath. My eyes started blacking out and the last thing i see is Scarlett’s panicked face as she tries to grab at my hands before it all goes black.

Scarlett’s POV

I know something is off with y/n. Not off but just that she was different. I have had a feeling it was autism for a while now, today proved that to me.

She was silent the whole car ride to set, normally she’d be singing along the radio but she wouldn’t even let me turn it on today. As soon as we got to set she locked herself in her trailer without a word, the next time i saw her, she looked panicked and while she was getting her hair and makeup done she disappeared fully before i brought her back. She has days where she goes mute, she just calls them her bad days, they usually happen on days she has arguments with her parents but normally she can still communicate to me in different ways but today she was completely gone. It got worse as soon as she realized Erica was gone. Walking on to set, she tended up and i saw her tapping her thigh every once in a while. The comment that Lizzie made would normally make her laugh, her reaction today was off.

I watched her from the corner of my eye but had to look away for a second before i heard Renner.

“Y/N!! What are you doing?! You’re going to hurt yourself!” I whip my head around and my heart sinks as i see y/n struggling with her harness, her hands are shaking violently, tears streaming down her face, her eyes are glazed over. I bolt over and grab her hands gently.

“Y/n baby, stop. You’ve got to stop my love.” She rips her hands out of mine and starts clawing at her throat which is when i notice she’s not breathing properly. She’s barely able to get a small breath. Instincts kick in for me and i turn to the cast and crew crowding her. “Give her space. Now. I need someone to set up a dark room with minimal sound and her clothes she was wearing this morning as well as the blanket from my trailer. A cold cloth and her wig taken off.” I turn around as she starts to collapse, i grab her arm and quickly wrap an arm around her waist. “Now!”

It’s a bit of a blur after that honestly, the next thing i know, im alone with her in the green room after everything is unplugged and blankets are draped over the windows. Her wig is already off and someone hands me my blanket and her clothes before silently leaving. I help her unconscious body out of the suit and into her clothes before draping my weighted blanket over her body. I sit back and stare at her, not touching her at all but close enough if she needs me.

It felt like hours but looking at my watch, it shows it’s only been 20 minutes when she finally wakes up.

My heart is beating what feels like a million mile a minute with panic as i watch her blue eyes flutter open before she looks around the room for a moment. Her hand comes out of the blanket and she starts tapping her thigh again, her head nodding along to each tap. She squeezes her eyes shut and i can hear her voice mumbling. “I’m safe. I’m here. I’m y/n.” Over and over again, i quietly cough to get her attention and she quickly sits up and her head whips up to look at me with wide eyes, both hands start scratching at the other wrist. “Oh my god…”

“Baby, you are safe. It’s just me.”

“No… no… no no no no no no no no.” She started tugging her hair and rocking slightly. “They’re going to kill me… you aren’t supposed to know…”

I quickly scoot over and grab her hands before pulling her into my chest, she tenses for a moment before melting into my arms. “I can’t hide it anymore Scar…”

“I know baby… I know.” I mutter into her hair swaying us back and forth slightly.

“I’m autistic…”

“Oh baby i know…” She freezes and looks at me with wide eyes. I can ready the fear in her blue eyes. “You hide it really really well but I’m basically your mom my love. I had suspicions but didn’t want to push you into telling me. Today was too much.” She nods burying herself back into me. “I need you to know that I will always listen to you. That if you ever feel like that again, you can tell me and i’ll get you out of it. Baby seeing you pass out was terrifying. I need you to know that if you’re that overwhelmed, that you do not have to do all that.”

“But… my parents don’t want everyone knowing… they’re all gonna know now…” She mumbles into me, my heart cracks.

“Baby being autistic is not a bad thing. It makes you even more amazing. It’s not something to be ashamed of at all. You are allowed to be who you are. To stim when your emotions are too high. To have bad days. I am here to show you that.” I say looking her directly into her eyes. “I’m here to support you.”

Tears welled up in her eyes as she nodded quickly. She sat up and started tapping her thigh as she stared at me. “This is my favourite stim, it’s really subtle but it calms me down… i count the most important people in my life.” She then looks down at her hand as she taps each finger. “Scarlett.” Tap. “Lizzie.” Tap. “Renner.” Tap. “Gwen.” Tap. “Cobie.” Tap. “Rob.” Tap. “Rosie.” Tap. “It reminds me that you guys would love me, no matter how broken or weird i am because i know how much you care.” She looked up at me through her eyelashes. “Another one is tapping here.” She taps her chest right above her heart twice. “Right here.” She does the tap to each word. “This is where you sit in my body. I usually only do this one when I’m not wearing my necklace. Playing with that is the stim i can do out in public.” I pulled her into my arms again as I cried.

“Oh baby…”

“You’ve always been my safe space Scar…”

“And i will be your safe space for the rest of eternity.”

We sit in silence for a few minutes before she pulls away with a smile. “Thank you. For learning how to help me.”

“You are more than welcome my love. Let’s go home and have a calm day okay?” She nods before standing up, pulling my weighted blanket over herself. I stand and wrapping my arms around her waist, the two of us make our way out of the room to find Lizzie standing not too far away, crying into Gwyneths arms. Y/n instantly runs over to her and wraps her arms around the crying woman. Lizzie jumps before she turns and sees who it is and wraps the girl into her arms.

“I’m so sorry bug. I shouldn’t have made that comment. I know how bad your parents are.” Y/n shakes her head pulling back and squeezes Lizzie’s hands. “Liz that wasn’t what caused that.” She takes a glance back at me before taking a deep breath and looks back at Lizzie. “I’m autistic and I was overstimulated and everything was just too much. I won’t lie, the comment did hurt a little but i know you didn’t say it in a mean way. You didn’t hurt me, memories of my parents saying stuff hurt me. But not you.” Lizzie’s eyes widen and she glances at me before she nods breathing to calm herself down. “If you ever need to talk or are struggling you can talk to me bug.”

Y/n nods with a small smile. “I know Liz.”

“Hey. Me too.” We all turn our head to see Gwyneth with a pout on her face. “You scared the shit out of me kiddo. Never do that again. Understand?” She pulls y/n’s laughing form into her arms.

“I understand mother Paltrow.” She says making us all chuckle.

Y/n pulls away and biting her cheek looks at me. “I- i uh- I’m not ready to face everyone else yet…”

“They already left bug. It’s just us four left.” Lizzie said smoothing the crazy hair down on y/n’s head. “I couldn’t leave worried i hurt you and Gwyn couldn’t leave me alone but everyone else left to give you privacy. Scarlett went full mama bear mode and screamed at some people for trying to push her into anything. It was great.” Y/n chuckled, which brings a grin to my face.

“Of course you did. But i wouldn’t trade you for the world.”

“I love you too baby.” I say kissing her head softly.

[mviswidow]

who you are is not where you've been

Blackhill x ex-hydra!daughter!Reader

Word Count: 1.7k

Summary: After a triggering nightmare about R’s past, her mothers comfort her.

Contents: hurt/comfort, dark nightmare, talk of kidnapping, angst, fluff, Nat and Maria being amazing adopted mothers

From this request.

the title is a reference to taylor swift's innocent

You raced after your target as fast as your feet would carry you. The young girl reminded you of yourself when you’d first been brought to Hydra. She fought hard and was determined to get away from you, but it wasn’t long before you’d cornered her in an alleyway with a dead end.

Her cries for help made your ears ring, and you would have given anything for her to just shut up. You could feel guilt weighing heavily on your chest. It was crushing. You were about to confine this little girl to a life of misery, just like your own.

Your body felt like it was on fire, every instinct you had was telling you to turn around and leave her there, to let her go, but you didn’t. You couldn’t. You pointed your gun at her as you dialed a number on a burner phone, giving the person on the other end your location.

The poor girl cried with all her might, tears streaming down her face. You felt like you were going to be sick. You wished she’d been able to get away from you somehow. 

She shrank back until she was against the fence behind her just when you felt a hand on your arm. You kept the gun pointed at her steadily as you took a quick glance over your shoulder.

“You’ve done it again, great work.”

You woke from your nap with a start when you heard a beeping sound. Your chest was heaving. You looked around to check your surroundings and your breath started to even out upon realizing you were safe on the living room couch and your moms were in the kitchen making dinner. The microwave had just gone off.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” Natasha came over when she saw that you’d sat up and were awake, running her fingers through your hair tenderly. “You knocked out at the end of the movie. How was your nap?”

“It was okay,” you nodded, avoiding her gaze. “I’m going to wash up before we eat.” 

You needed to clear your head before you sat with them for dinner. There was no way they wouldn’t be able to tell something was up and the last thing you wanted to do was to put your problems on them.

Upon locking the door to the bathroom, your eyes began to tear up. You groaned quietly and pressed the heels of your hands to your shut eyes, willing yourself not to cry. You did your best to steady your breathing and stay quiet, but it wasn’t long before you were choking back sobs while sitting on the cold tile floor.

Your dreams were often plagued by the haunting memories of your past, being controlled by Hydra since your early childhood. You were horrified by what you were capable of. It pained you to think that you had subjected kids to being tormented and ruined their lives. They hadn’t done anything to deserve that. And it was often difficult to convince yourself that you deserved to live in the loving household that you now did, because how could you when many of the kids you’d been assigned to capture probably still worked for Hydra?

Your eyes shot open when you heard a quiet knock on the door. You bit down on one of your knuckles, trying to stifle the sob threatening to leave your throat. 

“You alright, kiddo?” Maria’s voice sounded.

You didn’t say anything out of fear of embarrassing yourself, afraid of whatever noise would come out.

“Can I come in?”

She took the sound of the door unlocking as a ‘yes’ and opened it slowly, sitting down beside you.

“What’s wrong, hm?” she murmured, putting her strong arm around your shoulders.

You turned into her embrace, wrapping your arms around her waist as tightly as you could while your body racked with sobs. 

Maria held you close and pressed a kiss to the top of your head, “I’m right here, sweetheart.”

Natasha’s footsteps went unheard but she made herself known when she put a gentle hand on your back, doing her best to help soothe you. 

Your tears fell freely, but the presence of your mothers was beginning to make you feel better. You were getting ahold of your breathing, matching yours to Maria’s.

Once you were calmer, you moved yourself to sit up with your back to the wall and Natasha was now in front of you, tutting when she saw your tear-stained face and your nose red from crying, “What’s got you so upset, honey?” she asked as she leaned forward to wipe your tears away with her thumbs.

You took a couple of breaths before attempting to respond to her, and while you did so, you realized not many people would be able to understand your feelings the way she might. 

“How did… how did you forgive yourself?” Your voice broke as you spoke, fresh tears beginning to fall. “After everything I’ve done,” you shook your head. “I don’t deserve - I can’t - I’m a monster -”

“No, hey,” Natasha took your hand in hers before speaking softly, “You’re working yourself up again. Please don’t talk like that.” 

You put your head down and pinched the bridge of your nose as Natasha sat in shock for a couple of seconds, surprised by your question.

It wasn’t often that the Black Widow cried, but as she saw you in your distress, reminding her so much of herself, she couldn’t help it when her eyes started watering.

She looked to her wife for a moment, and when their eyes met, it was clear they were thinking the same thing. Maria could not count the number of times she’d heard Natasha describe herself as a monster.

There were many nights Maria had held Natasha as she cried, feeling like she could never make up for everything she had done. She still felt that way sometimes. Like nothing could be enough for all the lives she’d taken or destroyed.

But you? You might be enough. Natasha felt more sure of that every day. The love she had for you consumed her. It came with an innate need to protect you. Getting to love you felt like healing from her past, something she once never thought she’d feel.

You had a long emotional journey ahead of you in order to come to terms with the reality, which was that you were a victim of circumstance, just like Natasha was. Neither of you asked for the hand of cards you were dealt, but you had to play them.

“Why don’t we go to the couch and talk about this there? Let’s get you off the floor,” the redhead suggested, helping you up.

As you made your way to the couch with Natasha, Maria went to the fridge and brought you water, which you took gratefully. 

You sat between your mothers, busying yourself by fidgeting with the edges of the blanket, not feeling too inclined to look at them while you felt so vulnerable, preparing yourself to start speaking. “I have a lot of dreams about my time being controlled by Hydra, some can be really bad.”

Your mind raced as you mulled over how much you were going to tell them. You hadn’t spoken very much about what happened to you while you were being controlled by Hydra. You figured they knew enough from reading your file and Natasha being there when you were taken into custody by SHIELD. 

Still, there was a lot you didn’t want them to know. You were ashamed of yourself and terrified that they may not look at you the same way after they knew what you’d decided to tell them.

“I was mostly assigned to kidnappings for Hydra,” A lump grew in your throat as you spoke. “I was having a nightmare about this one girl named Marcy, she was the youngest target I ever had. She was also the last.” You could feel the anxiety you were having in every part of your body. You weren’t sure what you expected them to say but the longer they said nothing the more anxious you became. 

“You aren’t going to start forgiving yourself until you’re able to acknowledge that what happened was not all your fault,” Natasha finally said, which made your brow furrow.

When you didn’t say anything, she continued, “You know you didn’t do any of the things you did because of your own volition. Hydra was using a formula very similar to the one the Red Room utilized. You weren’t able to make any decisions yourself. Until you’re able to let up on yourself and come to accept this, you won't be forgiving yourself anytime soon.”

You stayed silent for a couple of seconds before nodding, “I’ve never not blamed myself.”

Natasha offered a soft smile, “I know how that feels. It took me a very long time to get to where I am now. And a lot of help from Maria.”

“And you have both of us every step of the way,” Maria chimed in.

Your eyes watered as the corners of your lips turned up, “Thank you. I love you guys so much.”

Natasha pulled you in for a hug and it seemed like she needed it almost as much as you did, “We love you too. More than you know.”

When you pulled away you turned and hugged Maria, “Thanks for finding me.”

The brunette shrugged with a soft smile, “Of course. But next time why don’t you let us know when something’s bothering you? You scared us there.”

“I’ll try my best. I’m still getting used to the whole asking for help thing. I’m sorry.”

“Ehh, that’s alright. We both know what it’s like to be a little emotionally stunted,” Maria snickered. 

Natasha rolled her eyes and playfully kicked Maria’s shin, pretending to be annoyed by her comment as you laughed.

Everything was going to be okay.