#cops & robbers + spreadsheets

[unreadaethel]

I remember when a coworker who'd grown up in a very conservative religious environment (ok, it was kind of a cult), and who'd always been taught that D&D was evil and dangerous, asked me to explain how it worked. She was almost disappointed by my explanation that "it's like a video game, but you have to do your own math using the giant books of actuarial tables everybody's carrying."

Found that over at mastodon

[cookieshipshowdown]

Current "standings" (if you can even call them that) of the different ships submitted. This house is a fucking nightmare, and my spreadsheet is already in shambles.

The keep reading is just to make the post shorter because. there's so many different ships.

Single Ships (A prelim round is on the horizon prolly) :

Moonfairy (Moonlight Cookie x Sea Fairy Cookie) Milkstar [QPR] (Star Coral Cookie + Milky Way Cookie) Timemilk (Timekeeper Cookie x Shadow Milk Cookie) [Ruler of Ephemeral Flow TK x Sage of Truth smilk was a second submission] Stormcacao (Stormbringer Cookie x Dark Cacao Cookie) Unichip (Cream Unicorn Cookie x Crunchy Chip Cookie) Hollytaya (Hollyberry Cookie x Pitaya Dragon Cookie) Evil Advisors (Affogato Cookie x Smoked Cheese Cookie) Chocowolf (Dark Choco Cookie x Werewolf Cookie) Wizardcrepe (Wizard Cookie x Strawberry Crepe Cookie) Candycrepe (Candy Apple Cookie x Strawberry Crepe Cookie) Vanillaraisin (Pure Vanilla Cookie x Black Raisin Cookie) Caramelraisin (Caramel Arrow Cookie x Black Raisin Cookie) Sapphireraisin (Black Sapphire Cookie x Black Raisin Cookie) Golden Cheese and her treasures (Cheese Kingdom Polycule) [Includes Smoked Cheese, Burnt Cheese, Mozzarella, Olive, and Black Raisin] [Plus a second submission of JUST Golchi and Raisin] Goldentiger (Golden Cheese Cookie x Nutmeg Tiger Cookie) Gingerberry (GingerBrave x Strawberry Cookie) Spicedchoco (Burning Spice Cookie x Dark Choco Cookie) Rasprincess (Raspberry Cookie x Princess Cookie) Poly Cookies of Darkness (It's what it says on the tin) Timeguette (Timekeeper Cookie x Baguette Cookie) TBD Polycule (Timekeeper x Croissant x Ephemeral Flow TK x Director Croissant x String Gummy) [This one is funny to me because it's four alternate universe versions and then. String gummy in the corner.] Shadowfaerie (Shadow Milk Cookie x Elder Faerie Cookie) Wedding Yuri (Wedding Cake Cookie x Black Forest Cookie) Juice Bar Regulars (Sparkling x Mint Choco x Vamp x Herb) Mintcocoa (Mint Choco Cookie x Hot Cocoa Cookie) Pomegranate Cookie x Starfruit Cookie (ship name?) Longan Dragon Cookie x Pitaya Dragon Cookie (ship name?) Maple Taffy Cookie x Cappuccino Cookie (ship name?) Clotted Cream Cookie x Financier Cookie (ship name?) Captain Caviar Cookie x Abalone Cookie (ship name?) Black Sapphire Cookie x Nutmeg Tiger Cookie (ship name?) Adventurer x Blackberry (ship name?) PV x Elder Faerie x Milennial Tree (ship name?) Rich Cheese Cookie x Banana Peel Cookie (cut content ship)

-=--=====--=-

Single Instances of Specific Polysouljam Ships :

Shadowsalt (Shadow Milk Cookie x Silent Salt Cookie) Shadowflour (Shadow Milk Cookie x Mystic Flour Cookie) Mysticsugar (Mystic Flour Cookie x Eternal Sugar Cookie) Mysticsalt (Mystic Flour Cookie x Silent Salt Cookie) Saltedvanilla (Silent Salt Cookie x Pure Vanilla Cookie) Burningcacao (Burning Spice Cookie x Dark Cacao Cookie) Shadowlily (Shadow Milk Cookie x White Lily Cookie) Goldenflour (Golden Cheese Cookie x Mystic Flour Cookie) Cheese-n-chocolate (Golden Cheese Cookie x Dark Cacao Cookie) Goldencacaoberry (Golden Cheese x Dark Cacao x Hollyberry)

-=--=====--=-

Ships with More Than One Submission :

2 instances of Jestergem (Wind Archer x Shadow Milk) 2 instances of Espresseleine (Espresso x Madeleine) 2 instances of Poly Cops-n-Robbers (Rye, Almond, Roguefort, Chili Pepper) 2 instances of Burningvanilla (Burning Spice x Pure Vanilla) 2 instances of Truthlessage (Truthless Recluse x Sage of Truth) 2 instances of Eternalcheese (Eternal Sugar x Golden Cheese) 2 instances of Purelily (Pure Vanilla x White Lily) [One of which is "evil purelily" AKA TR x DE] 3 instances of Wildchip (Wildberry x Crunchy Chip) 3 instances of Blackbell (Black Sapphire x Silverbell) 3 instances of Lilyenchant (White Lily x Dark Enchantress) [Plus 1 with Silent Salt and Elder Faerie thrown in] 3 instances of Polysouljam (The Beasts and Ancients) 3 instances of Mysticcacao (Mystic Flour x Dark Cacao) 3 instances of Silentlily (Silent Salt x White Lily) 3 instances of Sugarberry (Eternal Sugar x Hollyberry) 4 instances of Burningcheese (Burning Spice x Golden Cheese) 6 instances of Shadowvanilla (Shadow Milk x Pure Vanilla)

I'm losing my mind. 53 submissions and the week isn't even up. There's so many pairings. and ships. Guys. Not even MCYT ships are this diverse I'm crashing out

....Keep going. At least TRY to make multiples of the single ships. they're lonely :( or just do whatever. add more to my list, we can make ALL the rarepairs fight

[hetheysammy]

sam goes on a run early in the morning of his 38th birthday, as he does on all mornings. up before the rest of his family and out in the brisk spring air, it helps him organize his thoughts and process what he's feeling.

thirty-eight. when he was half this age, a freshman at stanford, he hoped but never dreamed he'd live this long. (he supposes he didn't, trips to heaven and hell and all, but. he's still here.)

he has a life now. an actual life, not the mess of survival and danger and hyper-vigilance he had before they saved the world for the last time. he has a wife, a dog, a routine. he has a dozen or so guests at the bunker right now, either monsters going through the rehabilitation program or those who just needed a safe place to stay and some proper meals.

sam has plans, goals, hopes; notebooks and spreadsheets of ideas to make the whole awful system of hunters and monsters, cops and robbers, obsolete. he has projects with eileen to make the lore library accessible for all. he's coaching kids with powers and teaching them to be safe, constantly reinforcing that they're not alone. for once in his life, he doesn't dread the future. actually, he's quite looking forward to it.

later today, dean will unveil the cake he and jack made together, likely endearingly shoddy-looking but tasty nonetheless. they'll have drinks and dinner and sam will rope everyone into a strategy board game, because it's his birthday and he can. maybe they'll start a movie that everyone but sam and cas will fall asleep during, because he simply had to chose a historical drama.

it's not perfect, because it never is, but it's his life. having a life at all, at 38, is plenty to be grateful for. and, sam thinks, he's doing alright. better than that, he's proud of himself, which is something he hasn't honestly felt in a long, long time.

jogging back to the bunker, sam takes a minute to pause and smile up at the early morning sky. he used to wish desperately that he had someone else's life. for once, he's perfectly content to be right where he is.

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[kaorei-endgame]

Game of the Year 2017 #2: Divinity Original Sin 2

The first Original Sin had one of those video game “issues” that’s only really an issue if you let it be. About six hours in, you’d figured out there were about a thousand ways to crowd controlling your enemies: stuns, knockdowns, charms, fears. With the availability, and reliability, of these attacks, battles often broke down to your mages/archers CCing everything on the battlefield while your warrior dismantled them one by one. This felt exceptionally mean--sadism in video game form--and somewhat abusive of the game mechanics, but combat was so often weighed so directly against you that “cheating” by charming half an enemy squad and letting them rough each other up, or depleting half a gigantic orc boss’s health before combat even starts by teleporting a poison barrel directly onto his face, was really more about evening the odds. Original Sin is one of those games, like Final Fantasy Tactics, maybe, where there’s a billion ways to break it. Unlike Final Fantasy Tactics, you don’t feel bad about it because, from behind a still-growing pile of saves and reloads, you know the game is happy to return your cheesy, scummy tactics in kind.

This is a co-op RPG I’ve been playing with Graz for 120+ hours, according to steam, and we still haven’t finished. It is, among Dark Souls, and Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes (Fast Karate GOTY, 2015), and Resident Evil 5, one of the best co-op experiences of my life.

You can play a skeleton, who has to walk around in disguise to stop everyone from murdering them, and has no need for lock picks because they can simply use, and I quote, their “bony fingers.” The elves are not only cannibals, but they’re cannibals that absorb the memories of their meals, which is sometimes used to learn new skills and sometimes used to solve murder mysteries. Maybe forty hours into the game, I realized this “being forced to experience a living creature’s final moments every time you eat meat” was probably created as an explanation of generic fantasy elves’ earth-mother veganism.

Near the beginning of the game a black cat starts following you around. If you have the Pet Pal talent you can talk to him and he just seems like... drunk? He doesn’t really have anything to say, but he doesn’t go away. If you walk through poison he’ll follow you and get poisoned too and he only has like 50 health so you’re always frantically trying to heal him because the friendly cat who does nothing except meow at me can never die. If you keep him alive throughout the whole opening zone, which also involves keeping him away from fires and superstitious guards who will shoot him on sight, his head clears and he joins your party as a summon.

Also the whole time he’s following you around, there’s this dog who won’t talk to you since he hates cats. But the cat follows you in real time, so if you go to a distant part of the zone and then teleport back to the central hub, the cat is briefly separated from you while it paths around the map to your location, and you can get the dog’s quest to find his missing girlfriend.

There is borderline erotica at one point where, if it’s not explicitly described, the game at least puts the mind worm of “lizard man cunnilingus” in your head. And like... well...............

Also there’s another dog later who’s like an evil pet of an eviler grave robber and he refers to himself as Artax: Death Incarnate or something and after you kill him you can use your recently acquired Spirit Vision power to talk to/throw shade at his ghost, being like “...death incarnate, eh...? :) :) :) :) :)” But it’s kind of wasted because even as a ghost (dog (way of the samurai)) he still thinks he’s pretty hot shit.

There are premade characters who have different dialogue tags, most of which seem to amount to jack shit, like almost any RPG with dialogue trees, but the one I picked, Lohse, is some sort of psychic medium who spirits would just hang out in, which was fun until a really bad demon got into her. Sometimes the really bad demon makes her do things that are completely out of her control, like try to murder an elf who’s trying to help you exorcise him, and isn’t it your favorite thing when games present you with a bunch of false dialogue options?

You start Divinity 2 a political prisoner. Unlike Skyrim, where you’re bound for the chopping block and then five minutes later someone’s telling you you’re a god, Divinity sits you on its prison island for something to the tune of 30 hours (then it tells you, more or less, that you’re a god). Because you have a collar on that restricts your scary magic powers, your overconfident jailers basically let you have the run of the place. You are hemmed in just enough to feel your yoke, and much of the early doings is learning where you may and may not go, and which places, just outside of your captor’s line of sight, are okay to seek out dirty business (i.e.: steal a few valuable paintings from). 

So you poke at all the nooks and crannies of this just-right sized zone, retrieving gloves of teleportation from the stomachs of hungry lizards, helping that dog find his girlfriend, and making painstaking progress on your escape. This is a tight, interesting area, far better than any of those in the first Original Sin, where there’s not even all that much combat. You bum around with a bunch of prisoners, some of whom certain party members have vendettas against/want to murder, but most of whom are like... chill old ladies that sell you water spells and will give you a free scroll if you give them a shoulder to cry on. Eventually, you kill the mob boss (but don’t let me see you laying a finger on Butter). If you’re a really good person, you kill all the magisters--who are basically the cops of the magic world--on the way out the door.

Boy oh boy, the jump in writing/world texture/everything from the last game. The move from “aggressively generic fairy tale stuff” to “moderately generic CRPG world” doesn’t put the writing in Witcher territory or nothing, but it’s much easier to appreciate the quirks of the setting, which holds strange sidequests where you help a bunch of thousand-year-old wizards who have been cursed to for all eternity to be both 1) pigs 2) pigs who are on fire, when you aren’t dealing voice acting that seems to be literally on purpose trying to kill you.

I’m of two minds about the changes to combat. Now characters have magical/physical “armor” that acts as a Halo-style rechargeable shield, protecting character’s vitality and also making them immune to status effects. Since most enemies have as much armor as they do health, that means they’re half dead by the time they’re vulnerable to being sleeped/charmed/whatever, and so crowd control has substantially depleted in value. Which mutes some of the “controlled chaos” feel of the first game--kind of a let down--but does tacitly nudge you into trying out the rest of the game’s broad spreadsheet of abilities, such as a teleport jump for fighters that sprays fire all over the landing zone, or a summoner’s ability to conjure an Inner Demon which both terrifies her opponents AND punches enemies that come into melee range with gigantic purple mind fists (essentially, we have been given Star Platinums of our very own).

And the uncontrolled chaos, where you laugh at the idiot NPC wasting its turn casting Rain until the next NPC sprays the area with lightning bolts and stuns half your crew, where you forget that the whole room is one big oil surface before you do your flaming teleport jump and now everyone in the room is on fire, or a giant Dune worm erupts out of the ground right in the middle of your boss fight and your enemies start attacking it instead and you’re like “.....so are we friends now?” and it’s like haha, nope, they still fuckin’ hate your guts and this battle just got even stupider and twice as long, so I hope you brought healing potions.

If anything, these changes have the unique effect of making me seriously consider playing this 100+ hour monster game that requires 100% of your attention and thought processes at all time (okay so sometimes I checked in on Fire Emblem on my phone during Graz’s turns, but that’s a given) sometime before the next decade. I suspect higher difficulties return a lot of weight to crowd control abilities.

Even though I know Baldur’s Gate has co-op, I didn’t think they could make a game like this. A gigantic, fully featured co-op CRPG where the other player doesn’t have to tolerate being a henchman at best. Where you can both run around talking to whomever you want and progressing quests however you feel like, and then come back together twenty minutes later to compare notes. Where you spend 3+ hours over two days on a single battle, reviewing plays and planning out turns like a pair of football coaches, micro-managing which of you is going to “waste” their turns conscientiously teleporting a friendly, but foolhardy, NPC out of harm’s way (or turning him into a chicken) so he’ll stop trying to impale himself on the NECRO-TENTACLE FIRE that you discovered, in this very battle, spurts out of every oily blob from the void beyond space after their death. And what’s that, four turns in the fire blobs start spawning?

Moreover, though every part of Divinity seems stupid, ramshackle, and tied together with twine, it’s often one step ahead of you. Regular attacks are governed only by cooldowns, but the most powerful spells are restricted by an MP-stand-in called “source” (still, charmingly, pronounced close enough to “sauce”). A difficult resource to replenish, we rarely used source abilities early in the game. But a couple hours after it came to a head, and I started saying “you know, I’m getting a little sick of teleporting back to the giant Source juice box in the hidden basement of this lady’s house every time I want to use Black Shroud,” and was decrying how if they replenished your Source after every fight, making it a per-battle resource, the game would be much more interesting they... give you an ability that functionally does that, and combat becomes much more interesting, on the exact right timeline for me to understand what I’ve gained with this power, having been frustrated for so long by its absence.

I gave up on trying to describe this game concisely. I’m not sure there’s a way to do so, when its whole ethos is jury-rigging systems onto systems and throwing weird events at you constantly and the whole thing chugs along like it was meant to be--damn, it never even crashed until I tried to install a mod. At the strange intersection between narrative and mechanics this game presents, if you think about it, you can almost always do it. You can skip an entire hedge maze by teleporting through its portcullises. If it’d take too long to loot a chest in plain sight of its owner, you can use your Polymorph abilities to turn invisible, pick it up, and send it to the inventory of your lockpicker, waiting outside. You can go upstairs at a bordello. When you wake up, predictably, you’re naked and being robbed. Only, oops, the robbers didn’t reckon your friends would have a magical teleportation pyramid locked onto your signal. 

In the same town, this maid crying about losing her owner’s purse robs you, and if you’re sympathetic about it and give her a hug when she asks, she picks your pocket, and the only way you’d know about it is if you check your gold total after the conversation because, let’s be real, she was acting super sketch. I mean damn, the game somehow makes scrolls, the categorical worst item class in all western RPGs, worthwhile. Who wants a one-use item when you can just learn the spell forever? Until the first time you come to truly understand that a short 3-turn cooldown in “Divinity Time” could be the better part of an hour, and therefore a hundred and twenty seven gold for an Armor of Frost scroll is a small price to pay for peace of mind when The Red Prince needs an extra dose of magical armor like right now. 

And for all the ways you can bring ruin upon your enemies, all the stupid tricks and techniques that really shouldn’t work but somehow always do, the thing that actually breaks the game? The item that made us look at each other and go “we should probably never use this item again if we want to keep having fun.”

Green Tea.

Conservatively, 200+ hours of my life has gone to these games, and when this one is over, I’ll still feel like it wasn’t enough.

[dandelionwhiner]

You don’t have some mustache twirling dapper gunslinger waltz into your firm and be like “Please remain seated, no need to panic, it is I, the gentleman robber, Luke Van Spreadsheet! I am here to make you work unpaid overtime,” and then see him type something in to your boss’s computer and zipline out the window when the cops come.

i know they’re both crimes.

and both morally wrong.

but i have infinitely more respect for like. old timey train and bank robbers.

than i have for people who do white collar crime stuff like embezzlement and wage theft.