#could also be that i've been doing a lot of introspection for assignments lately. that could be doing it

[mars-ipan]

i've been feeling like. More imposter syndrome than usual lately. and it's confusing as hell. i'm doing pretty solid rn Why Are You Here

[aibouart]

admittedly, i am afraid to talk about this, but have wanted to for a long while. i don't see a lot of people discuss this kind of thing, but i decided to do so for the me who was struggling and didn't know. also i have no idea where i am going with this and it's very late for me rn so here's a whole ass ramble on vent art. and also a bit more on how it's impacting how i view my art, now. i am terribly sorry if it's not very cohesive, my thoughts on it aren't yet cohesive either WOOPS

i wanted to talk a bit about how vent art really impacted my mental health, and how the idea that art needs some kind of meaning to have meaning really has been weighing on me lately (i know this is a concept i am assigning to my work and is not actually the norm/standard expectation of others consuming art. but it IS a sentiment i have seen enough that does impact me).

i want to specify, obviously i am not saying vent art is bad.

nor that doing vent pieces, or vent blogs, will ultimately result in what i went through for a number of years. rather, that this did happen to me, and there is a near impossible chance i am a unique case in any experience i will ever have. if you do vent art and it helps you, that's good! im not judging anyone for anything here. if your experience does not match my own, that's what it's like to be human~. i am not invalidating anyone on purpose by sharing my own experience. sorry for the insane disclaimer but it will eat me alive if i go to sleep thinking "what if they think x cuz i didn't say y and think im a terrible person"

---

i used to do vent art frequently (you won't find much on here as it was uploaded to a personal at the time). anytime i felt down or had a line of dialogue in my head making me feel bad in a way, i would draw for it. but the way i had interacted with it was really unhealthy. it became a terrible feedback loop where i'd feel bad, draw how i felt bad, look at the art, and ruminate even more on how i felt bad, until it spiralled so out of control i would lose touch with reality and get lost entirely in feeling like garbage.

i would just get so lost in the cycle with vent art that it would make my mental space worse and worse, and i would use the vent art as a negative confirmation bias. the words that hurt me i wrote down and anytime i looked again, they would hurt me again. but i would keep looking, and i would keep drawing.

i have always used art as an outlet, but for some reason the way vent art impacted me was unhealthy. it wasn't a good outlet. and it took me years to cut ties with it. i relied on vent art for a long time, but it took a lot of introspection and thinking to realise it wasn't the release i thought it was. and it was hard to let go, too.

i haven't touched the blog in a few months, now. i haven't done much vent art at all since then and genuinely, i've been doing SOOO much better. i no longer ruminate nearly as much as i had done so, i no longer get caught in a feedback loop that lasts for days to weeks. i still feel like garbage like people tend to do, but i don't put myself in a cycle over it anymore. i have gone back to it a few times in moments of desperation, but what used to be every week/every few weeks is now once a month maybe. and not to the extent at all (i would oftentimes post ~20 images in one night, before).

but i keep thinking about how, while the way i had done vent art was bad for my mental health, i keep feeling that just because i do sparkly cute and happy drawings, now, or drawings with no real meaning, that my art has nothing beyond face value... i do like a lot of my vent art. i think their compositions, or hidden messages and meanings, or colour use, was interesting.

but it wasn't worth the price for me.

so i am a bit caught in an in-between, here. my favourite form of art is the expression of love-you liked something so much, you dedicated time to draw it. and yet i cannot ascribe that to my own work very often. i think that man i wish i could make art with some kind of deeper meaning, that speaks to people, that's more than just pretty colours or shiny shading or a character everyone likes, or a character i like. but i just... don't know if it's for me.

ultimately, i could develop a healthy relationship with expressing and exploring negative emotions or experiences through art, but... do i want to? do i have to? do i need to? is it not enough to just draw something because... i like it..?

of course, the answer is yes, draw what you want, draw how you want, it's your art. but i am still trying to come to terms with that idea. i dont want to be seen as some shallow artist who just draws what's cute and pretty because they can and it's all they can think of, but like what if that's just what i like to draw??

in the end, that alone is good enough, drawing because you like to, because it's fun, because you like the thing you're dedicating time to creating for. it's just hard to grapple with after discarding a type of art that i felt was the only way i drew "for real".

anyways i am sorry this is soooo fucking long, and for all the clarifications (IM STILL NOT SAYING VENT ART BAD AND EVERYONE WILL DO WHAT I DID!! Dx) and the fact i had no real point here (probably)

anyways i will continue to draw what i want because i like to, as i have always been.

[bookdepositori]

Hey y'all, haven't been on here in a bit. These past few months, I was working on my senior project and I just graduated with my BFA last week. On top of being busy with that, I had multiple classes that regularly assigned me with readings, so I haven't have much freedom with what I've been reading lately and haven't been posting as a result of that. Just to break the ice with posting again, I'm going to write some quick thoughts about all of the graphic novels I read during Spring, all of which are memoirs coincidentally.

Gabrielle Bell - The Voyeurs

Of everything here, this is the one book that wasn't assigned reading from a professor. Bell has been a long-time inspiration to me and I felt like it was a good idea to dig deeper into her work while I developed my senior project. This is also my first time reading Bell since I got my first published essay by writing about her work.

This might have been a bit of a downer read while finalizing my degree in sequential art. Much of this book focuses on Bell's struggles with monetizing her work despite how much respect she has earned in the industry. What's worse is that many of her criticisms of the comic industry are ones I deeply agree with. I sort of felt like I was in an echo chamber of my own pessimism while reading sections of this book, lol.

Though this book really struck me with its visual storytelling. The opening sequence could have been a really great 3-page short story thanks to how it presents you with such a striking concept and image as soon as you open the book. Then all throughout the book, despite the visual simplicity and static page compositions, Bell consistently creates active environments and character that fully take advantage of the comics form.

This isn't a new observation, but I'm always so captured by how introspective Bell's writing is. I especially love all of the scenes in which the subject of Bell's autobiography work is brought up. The book presents you with a lot to think about concerning the nature of the autobiography. Questions that are very interesting to think about when paired with Bell's brutal honesty regarding her more negative personality traits, lol.

Lynda Barry - What It Is

Despite my long-held interest in her work, this is my first time actually reading a full Lynda Barry book. I absolutely plan on looking deeper into her bibliography in the near future. This is a book that I think was really important to read while in the last semester of my art education.

This book is very abstract in nature and its lack of consistent narrative makes it stand out against other graphic memoirs. The one central subject of this book is the concept of images. What is an image? How do images work? Why do images make us feel?

This was an incredibly unique and engaging read that made me ask a lot of questions that were very important for this moment in my life. I just wish this wasn't and assigned reading so I could've read it at a more relaxed pace. This is definitely one to re-read.

Maia Kobabe - Gender Queer

I whole-heartedly believe it was really important to read this book as well as other books that are currently being challenged on a large scale in this country. Though, unfortunately, as a narrative, I was left a little unsatisfied with this book.

I think it's really great that this book exists. I think its really good for young queer people to be able to recognize themselves in media as that is something that has been historically denied from them. I also really respect how honest Kobabe is about eir sexuality and eir sexual development, I could never be this intimate with my readers. Though, as a narrative, I feel like this book wasn't as introspective as it could have been. While I do think it's good to have representations of transition like this, I feel like this is probably a book that won't hold as much relevance in a future where more trans narratives are readily available.

After reading this book, I felt like I didn't know much about Kobabe other then eir relationship with sexuality and gender (and trashy fan fiction, which I actually do appreciate). Which is fine, this is literally a book called "Gender Queer", though the discussions of sexuality and gender within the book are simply just personal experiences without much in the way on introspection or interrogation. That's also fine though, I don't feel like I have a very nuanced perspective on my own sexuality in full honesty, though as a narrative I felt like this was lacking both as a discussion about queerness and as a gateway to conversing with Kobabe. I think this book maybe could have benefitted from Kobabe reflecting on these experiences for a couple more years and developing a deeper perspective on them.

Junji Ito - Cat Diary: Yon & Mu

This was the one re-read of this selection of books. This was something I first came across during my teenage binge of all of the Junji Ito books I could find (thanks Alfredo).

Reading this now, I admittedly didn't get too much out of it. I do still really appreciate this book and it's my go-to example for how much visual expression can influence a reading experience. There's undoubtedly a mountain of web comics you can read that feature very similar subject matter to this book, but this one stands out for *how* it communicates that subject matter to the reader. Visual storytelling is the ultimate factor in comics. One story can be told an infinite numbers of ways through variations in visual storytelling and this book is a testament to that.

[clumsyclifford]

alrighty i would like to know 7, 9 for cruel summer fic but you can't say cruel summer, 11, and 32 -hazel

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii i love seeing you in here

7. What story/headcanons do you feel the proudest of? you know what i was JUST thinking about this, i think my answer at the moment is the jewish!cake 'verse. i'm just. so pleased and proud and delighted that i was able to take something so close and personal to me and put it into a fic in a way that i loved. and still love. and it was nervewracking to do so the fact that i did it anyway, and the fact that it's been received so well, feels really nice.

that being said i will also throw the amnesia fic in here because i did a ton of research on that in order to give a more or less accurate representation of the side effects and symptoms of a traumatic brain injury (yknow, apart from just Memory Loss) and iba said i did a good job and i also think i did a good job and i'm really happy that i managed to write a fic that is both scientifically accurate but also narratively really interesting. AND it's long, which is not my strength.

9. If you had to assign a theme song to fever dream high in the quiet of the night aka cruel summer fic, which would you assign? how CONVENIENT that i have a PLAYLIST for it!!!! (co-curated by me and @tirednotflirting aka sam). the first song on that playlist is hush hush by the band camino, and while it definitely isn't representative of the fic as a whole, it does make me think of the fic whenever i hear it and it definitely captures the Vibe at the beginning. so if not cruel summer, then maybe that. or august also by taylor swift.

11. How would you describe your style? (Character/emotion/action-driven, etc). this is an interesting question because ive been rereading a little bit of my older works lately and while i would still say that my writing style is driven by dialogue, i think my dialogue-to-narration ratio is a lot more even than it used to be. i used to rely HEAVILY on dialogue and the way my writing has developed i now make an active effort to include narration WHICH, i suspect, is probably partially responsible for why my word counts trend towards being higher lately. i don't know if this really answers the question. i guess i would say my style is character-and-communication-driven? if that's a thing? idk man i don't even think i'm the most qualified to answer this question i think YOU could probably answer it better

32. What story do you think showcases your signature style the most? well having just determined that i don't KNOW what my signature style is........hmmm. the thing is i also definitely think that my Writing Style changes depending on the fic. like, emo lashton is not going to be like human luke which is not going to be like cruel summer yknow? and considering just how Many Fics i have written this is a very hard question to answer. i have sorted my ao3 by word count and am scrolling through and my instincts are telling me either daydream fic or the rilisex it's always her, and me, and you fic. fluff with a little bit of plot (which is resolved so quickly by simple communication), contains humor and introspection, sweet but entertaining, lots of good relationships, etc.....idk those feel like me. i don't even think you've read that second one (i don't know if you've read daydream fic?) but that's the answer i've got

fanfic writer asks

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hello! I was wondering if you could help me with (MBTI) typing myself since I've been struggling with it recently. Note that I'm a teenager + I'm rather bad at differinating certain traits in myself so I'll rely on what people usually say about me and/or things that nobody beside me can know or judge. When younger I was considered to be introverted/a loner although I'm not sure if it's caused by my natural introversion or by certain circumstances that lead me to lack close friendships.

I’ve been kind of enjoying the answering each part at once method, especially when the answer is going to be a variation “not sure, and this could use a lot of work,” so:

I know I have said multiple times that if you do are not fairly well able to talk about yourself and differentiate your traits, MBTI is not a good idea for you right now. This is fine and normal! Particularly if you’re a teenager! But the best thing for you to do is drop it and come back when you have a good sense of self. I think a lot of people come to MBTI with the attitude of “I don’t know who I am very well and this will tell me” when the fact is you need to know who you are to be able to type with any accuracy.

Also, for teenagers, this goes double, because when you say “when I was younger” you’re often talking about a point where you flat out didn’t have a clear type because you were a kid. Wait instead of asking.

           Most people I befriended back then didn't interest me much so I gave up on those friendships quickly. That made me accept my loneliness - I thought I will be alone forever. At the moment I'm starting it all over again by connecting to people and the perspective of being alone started to be frightening.  I'm rather indecisive, I'd been trying to come up with projects and ideas for a long time, I procrastinate and ignore my bodily needs often.            

This is something where it makes a huge difference if you’re talking about when you were like, 12, or when you were 15, for example. I mean, probably introversion but I wouldn’t discount other causes since this seems pretty intense in general.

Re: indecision, procrastination, bodily needs - probably high extroverted perceiving.

           When it comes to projects, my most craved perfect quality is novelty, originality, something that would twist expected lines of storytelling. I also like to tie them up with certain 'themes' so I have an excuse to learn about the topic as much as possible and make it educational and insightful for the perceivers.  I'm not sure if I have high Fi or Ti, but I lean for Fi for now.             

Also fits high extroverted perceiving. I have serious doubts about high Fi; high Fi users tend to have a good sense of who they are, even while fairly young, but also this could vary depending on if “I’m a teenager” means you’re 14 or if it means you’re 19. If 14, maybe. If 19, not unless you are incredibly unhealthy.

I deeply value knowledge and a lot of my goals and dreams were related to being skilful and knowledgeable about something, to be the master of my activity. So I'm a perfectionist and have rather high ambitions. At the same time it's mixed with insecurity and anxiety: I fear mistakes, prone to overthink, think lowly of myself and can't get motivated enough to do something. In the end if I'm motivated I get impressive amounts of work done in a short span of time but it happens only under stress.            

I am not a mental health professional and I may just be reading this wrong, but there have been a couple things now that make me think you may have some kind of anxiety or depression which also might be messing with your sense of self, and I cannot stress this enough, I think focusing on MBTI is probably not the right thing for you right now. All of this sounds more in line with anxiety and/or depression than high perceiving (except the motivation part, which tracks) and isn’t tied to an introverted judging either).

           I usually enjoy ignoring or rebelling against the rules. I used to be rude and oblivious of social norms so I had a few bad experiences with that. It made me hyper aware of implications of words so I act incredibly polite and awkward at first but grow more rude and straightforward when I get used to people. I can violate my personal borders of rudeness and make comments that come off as non-intended offending so I both make the person feel worse and get away with nothing but I rarely do that.             

Again this is something where if “used to be rude” is referring to when you were 11 means something very different than if it’s referring to when you were (for example) 15. This fits with low Fe more than high Fi; high Fi users can be introverted but they tend to have more people skills, but again, there’s so much else going on here I can’t say anything with much confidence.

People say my writings are focused on introspective thoughts and feelings a lot and the characters sound realistic but that my ability to properly understand people in real life is way more poor.  I'm told I'm very private. I can be incredibly helpful and accepting when my close ones are facing struggle but I don't know in-between so I either pay too much effort or ignore the bad signs. I rarely act on my thoughts although I can be impulsive. I wasn't sure whether I use Fi mostly because             

 Probably aux Ne, given the low understanding of surroundings and lack of action combined with the other extroverted perceiving signs, but also again, a lot of this just sounds...young.

myself internally (not all the time).  I think about improving and changing myself a lot. I tend to be oversensitive but it might be the teenager years.  I quickly engross in new hobbies and ideas with an intention of using their fullest potential/going in-depth of them but get detached from them quickly. I have a good memory for things I'm interested in - overall I'm ditzy and forgetful.   Sorry if it was not organized properly. I hope I gave you all the necessary information.    

yeah, more of the same - aux Ne.

------------------------------

So in summary - honestly, I think there’s two potential root causes at work here with a few effects that are going to make it incredibly difficult to type yourself:

1. There are several things that I cannot say with any reliability are depression or anxiety, but do sound like it to me, a layperson - isolating yourself from all your peers at a very young age is not really something most healthy people do - and if you are able to get that checked by someone who would know, I would recommend it.

2. If that’s not a factor, it’s also somewhat age/maturity level dependent. If you’re 14 or 15, either INFP or INTP are possible. If you’re 18 or 19, Fi-dom seems really unlikely. If you’re in the middle, it’s still kind of a toss-up based on maturity level and honestly I’d hold off until you’ve found out about potential mental illness.

But in general, it’s hard for a number of reasons for many teenagers to type themselves because a lot of late adolescence/early adulthood is inherently figuring out who you are when you don’t have constant supervision. The amount of change many people undergo their first year of college or in the work force is staggering because they’re to an extent making their own schedule, dealing with real responsibilities with severe consequences*, and making difficult choices possibly for the first time ever. My advice is to give it some time, especially if you’re a younger teenager, and get to know yourself better. MBTI is not going to disappear in the few years that will take.

*occasionally I’ve run into questions from people who are older who do not have many responsibilities, for whatever reason, and there are plenty of good reasons why that might be the case, but it also makes it really hard to type them. It’s not a bad thing or judgement necessarily, but an acknowledgement that again, if you don’t turn in an assignment on time, it’s a different scale of consequences than if you don’t pay rent or buy food for yourself on time.

[graphic-design-student]

Day 14 - W - Sept 23

Today, I once again slept in. I think imm just getting too acustomed to staying up late again. Atomic Habits is helping me understand the fact that it may not seem like a big deal each day, but that it could have compounding, detrimental effects down the road, likely affecting the trajectory of my life significantly. So.. yep.. gotta stay healthy I suppose. It's no big deal, just little daily habits.

I met with a group from one of my courses for a while over Zoom today. We were highly productive and had fun. I'm finding that I'm starting to enjoy socialization with strangers far more than I ever have. I'm typically socially burnt-out this time of year, but it's just the opposite in the midst of COVID-19. I think the pandemic has also given my mind a bit of a reset on how I interact with people. Many of my inhibitions have faded and I am able to "consume" social interactions much more freely. It's absolutely liberating.

Overly-analytical introspection aside, I watch a lot of YouTube today. A LOT. 6 hours.. Just feeling mentally/academically burnt-out I guess? Probably. It ended up being somewhat productive though.

Taking microeconomics and GDES 2399 at the same time (particularly, working on this assignment) has put me into a headspace where I'm constantly thinking personal economics, habit management, finances, etc. It's why I started reading Atomic Habits. I'm excited about the prospect of preparing for my future and setti g up good "systems" in my life, so I've been watching a lot of videos from a few financial advice YouTube channels. I was even reminded of my occasional passing curiosity/desire to own and run a coffee shop some day. I used that topic to propel my motivation and wound up doing a bunch of reading about small business management.

No monetary purchases today.