#crazy that being anti-hatred is a hot take these days | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

harryandhishook · 5 years

Text

2-Blind First Date 100 writing prompt challenge - ConVin

Pairing: Connor x Gavin Reed

Setting: Detroit

Warning: Swearing, Gavin being Gavin, Cute Gayness

Summary: Tina found out about Gavins little crush after he let slip when they were drinking and now she’s determined to get his mind of it. So, with a blind date and Gavin being the nervous wreck that he is, will he be able to find love?

Words: 4776

Requested: No, however it is part of a 100 writing Prompt challenge I’m challenging myself to do, I found this on DeviantArt from ribonsnlace and wanted to give myself more than just Descendants and I needed more Android Connnor cuteness

Side note: (I’m not changing the side note because it’s the exact same excuse) For anyone reading my Harry Hook fanfiction, ‘Wings are made to Fly’ I promise I will update soon, I’ve just been so busy and had a slight bit of writers block on it for a while that I needed to try something else to get me into writing again, thanks for understanding :D

Three months, three months since Connor came back, three months since Gavin made it up to Connor, three months since Detroit became Android friendly completely and life was quite comfortable. The DPD were no longer searching for Deviants, the policies on them had changed and now, both Android and Human were charged under the same code, anything they did were now seen as completely the same under any court of law in most states; the only difference in laws now, Anti-Android acts and protest were completely illegal and anyone caught involved with such a thing were to be immediately arrested and brought in for questioning.

Unfortunately, with everything going on and all the new laws being enforced, Gavin had no time in trying to spend any moment with his new found friend; the only moments he could steal from the Android were about an hour or so at lunch and maybe a few moments after their shifts but it seemed, after that, neither one of them could get a moment alone.

So, Gavin sat in his home, sat and drank his problem away.

The rugged detective had told no one, not a single soul about his developing crush on the Android. From the moment they met, the minute he punched the Android in the stomach, he knew he was done for, the detective couldn’t resist how breath-taking they had made something that was just machine and code, making him detest everything around him even more than before. When the revolution was over and Connor no longer worked alongside them, Gavin realised just how much he actual missed the man and his attraction grew a little stronger every day, each day, staring at the empty desk across the bullpen just pining. The day Connor came back, he had planned everything he was going to say, planned his apology and if the Android wanted, he had planned a place for them to spend some time together but when the day came, he just sat there, unmoving and scared, no matter how much he talked to himself, he couldn’t bring himself to stand up, march over and speak. When he finally did speak to Connor, plucking up the courage to make a move and leave the old Gavin behind, he wasn’t expecting what the Android had to say, he felt like such a terrible person, ashamed of everything he had done, if he was being honest with himself, he hadn’t even tried to prepare himself for the hatred or the distrust that would be thrown at him but when he spotted the Androids hand reaching out for him, he was more than happy to take it and restart his life.

Now was just the matter of trying to get any time with him, he knew he could probably just ask when he was free or maybe even just cut straight to the chase and ask him on a date or he could … he could …

Gavin sighed, once again, bottle in hand, drinking his thoughts silent which normally helped … if Tina wasn’t currently sat across from him in the booth they’d chosen at some dingy little bar they had found. She hadn’t been convinced by his ‘I’m fine’ and ‘Nothing’s wrong’ when she’d confronted him but even the younger detective knew she’d need a couple of whiskeys thrown down his neck before he’d reveal anything, which to her surprised, did not take very long,

“I’m sick of it … no matter how much I try to get him alone, he always gets called to do something” he grumbled, chest practically laid on the table, arms crossed in front of him as he rested his chin atop them, “Why the hell does life have to get in the way, I mean, the bastard doesn’t sleep so why the hell can’t he spare a few hours” he growled, staring at the almost empty glass that had been neglected in front of him; he gave a simple huff of annoyance as he glanced over to his best friend whose face was that of an annoyed parents,

“Have you even asked this guy out? Like actually walked up to him and said, ‘hey, you free tonight?’ or maybe, ‘hey, next time you have some time on your hands, you wanna maybe hang?’, have you actually done that?” the woman asked, clearly regretting even getting him into this situation; for the entire time she’s known him, she already knew the answer to that question but apparently he’d only ever listens to her when she spells it out in plan simple god damn English and from the way the detective looked away, she was right,

“Well, not exactly … no … but I can’t, I barely get a moment alone with him, he’s always surrounded by someone and even if I do get a chance to ask, I can’t, what if he doesn’t want me like that or what if he just isn’t built like that at all … UGH” he groaned louder, hiding his face in his arms like a child who just couldn’t get his own way. Tina took a long sip from the cocktail she had been nurturing in her hand, trying so hard to hold herself back from shaking some sense and maybe a little bit of courage into the overgrown marshmallow,

“Okay, who the fuck are you? Gavin Reed has never cowered away from asking someone if they wanted to go back to his house for a fuck before so why should asking someone out be any different? You like the guy, right?” Tina asked, waiting for the tiniest nod from the man across from her before continuing, “There, so stop being such a pussy and don’t bring the bullshit of, ‘but it’s commitment’, I don’t want to hear it, you’ve dated people before so this is no different, you always put up such a strong and badass front so use it and go for it, if he rejects you then we can down a few bottles of vodka and cry while watching Toy Story 3, alright?” She asked once more, taking a deep breath and another sip of her drink as Gavin finally looked up from his little hidey hole,

“But I don’t know the first thing about Androids, I don’t even know if he’d be capable of love like that and Hanks always around him, I’ve heard him call that idiot ‘Dad’ before so that’s gonna be one hell of a wall to get through and why would he go for someone li-“ Gavin had to pause, jumping into a sitting position as he watched Tina almost do some crazy spit take, choking slightly on her drink,

“Wait … YOU’VE GOT THE HOTS FOR CONNOR?!” She screamed, the entire bar of drunks and horny couples around them turned to glare at the two as Tina leaned across the table, wide eyed and very serious, all the while, Gavins eyes flew around their booth in a panic, his fingers gripped the edge of the table in fear of his best, slightly drunk, friend, “You mean to tell me, that the guy you’re talking about, the guy you’ve obviously be fawning over for ages now, is Connor, practically Hanks son anyway, Anderson, the Android you tried to mur…well, the Android you hated … wait a minute, you told me earlier that you’ve been crushing on him since you … met … him … oh god, Gavin, tell me you didn’t bully him because you were in love with him!” she begged, her eyes a lot less stern and now filled with pity,

“Okay … I won’t then” Gavin mumbled, his gaze lowering down to his, now almost, pure white knuckles. He could tell he had just given Tina the most hated types of headaches when she sighed in both defeat and annoyance,

“Gavin … how the hell did you think this would ever go …” she whispered, more to herself than anyone around her as she leaned back into her seat with a soft thump, her cocktail long forgotten now, “if I know you, and I do, I know you aren’t ever gonna try, so, how about, we get you a few more drinks, take our minds off of it and if you still don’t think you can even begin to try when you’re sober, I set you up with a friend, see if you can maybe get away from this whole thing?” She asked, knowing full well that the idiot in front of her will probably come running to her by tomorrow to help, like he had done a few times before when he needed to get laid and couldn’t find someone himself,

“Okay … If I can’t bring myself to do it, you can set me up and get my mind off him …” he mumbled defeatedly, sinking into his seat a little, he grabbed the remains of his drink, downing it in one as if it was the first drink he had had in years and by the looks on Tinas face, she understand his mood.

True to his word though, Gavin approached Tina the next day, only a few minutes before they were meant to leave and begged her to be set up with someone and in her opinion, he looked just that, desperate, but, she wasn’t going to say no.

So for the next few days, before, during and even after work, she googled and called and messaged away, trying to get everything in place, all the while, Gavin tried his hardest to keep his mind off of the cute little Android that would always walk in smiling and laughing away with Hank and the others, lucky for Tina, that was a perfect enough distraction for her to make sure he would never catch wind of any of these plans and soon, everything was done.

December 21st, the day of Gavins blind date and boy, was he nervous. Tina had told him the date, time and place but nothing else, the plan was; meet in the park near his apartment at 6pm, that would give him enough time to go home, shower, change and get there, his date would, hopefully, show up and they would head out to a little café she had found that was a cute, new, Android friendly place that was also owned by one, they would talk, share stories, laugh and hopefully, really like each other then, they would leave the café and, if it went well, arrange to meet again, that was the plan but the leather covered detective wasn’t so sure.

It was now 6:15pm, it was snowing, not heavily enough for him to leave but enough to make him regret all this, he felt like an idiot. Maybe Tina did this to teach him a lesson or maybe the person knew who he was and how much of an asshole he was so decided not to come without telling him or Tina; with a sigh, he shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans, ready to leave until, the small droplets of snow stopped hitting him.

Looking up towards the sky, he spotted the familiar silhouette of an umbrella covering the bright illuminating lampposts of the park and blocking any more pieces of freezing snow from attacking his hair, someone must have seen him but he was too far gone to even turn around and see what empathetic person had decided to pity him with some cover from the weather,

“You know, I might not be able to feel the cold like you do but even I know that you could catch your death out here” a smooth voice spoke out from behind him causing Gavin to freeze and this time, not from the freezing temperatures, he didn’t dare turn around, he wanted so badly for the voice to match who he thought it was but he was too scared that if he did, it would be someone else with the same voice, so he continued to stare at the umbrella … until the voice spoke again, this time a little closer than before, “I don’t really know how these ‘dates’ work but I’m pretty sure we can’t talk if you don’t at least look at me” the voice chuckled and Gavin could just picture the goofy smile.

So, with enough courage, the man turned slowly, his gaze moving down to the ground, the first thing that entered his line of sight was some nice, clean trainers, definitely and obviously not picked out by the man himself; moving his gaze up were the usual jeans that Gavin had come to recognise with a simple yet nice navy blue shirt tucked in covered by a nice but definitely different jacket. Finally, the detective pulled his gaze up enough to take in the mans features and his heart almost stopped at the sight.

Connor, the Connor, stood in front of him, his usual goofy smile etched on his face as he held the umbrella above them both, his hair as perfect as ever, his posture as perfect as ever, him as perfect as ever and that was enough to make Gavin bit his lip hard and blush which must have been bright enough for the Android to see since his head tilted to one side and his expression turned to one of confusion,

“Gavin, are you okay?” he asked softly, stepping ever so closer, “Your body temperature seems to have risen slightly above normal, are you getting sick?” he continued like the cute little innocent Android he was; quickly, Gavin shook his head and chuckled nervously, running a hand across the back of his recently shaven undercut,

“Yeah, I-I’m fine … it’s just … I didn’t know Tina had asked you and I was worried you weren’t gonna show since it’s getting later and I was getting nervous about this whole thing and …” the detective realized just how much he had started rambling, pulling his hand quickly to his side and chuckling once again, looking slightly to the side, “I’m fine … erm … you wanna still head to the café?” he asked, pointing nonchalantly towards the direction he was given which obviously was a good sign since the Android seemed to light up again, nodding excitedly, “Cool, let’s go” he mumbled as he turned away to start walking when he felt an arm link hesitantly with his, pausing any movements thereafter,

“Is this okay?” the android asked nervously, looking down at his feet, “I’ve seen people do this before and thought that maybe, we could too…” he explained, shooting Gavins heart with millions of tiny little heart shaped bullets, making him melt almost immediately as the man realized just how new Connor was to all this, so he grabbed the Androids wrist, pulling his arm tighter through his, making the link stronger between them,

“Of course it’s okay, it’s your first ever date, gotta have some experience, right?” the detective reassured, making sure their arms were tightly interlocked before taking the Umbrella from Connors other hand and leading them out of the park and into the just as quiet streets.

Amazingly, not many people had decided to come back to Detroit after the revolution and the people who did were still quite wary, however, there was a lot of unwanted attention but lucky for them, it seemed they actually slept and were nowhere to be seen.

So, as the harsh wind blew through the winter air of Detroit, the two of them silently strolled towards a single illuminated store on the street, the sweet smell of baked goods instantly assaulted Gavins nose causing the detectives stomach to growl like a dying whale speaking into a megaphone, normally that would have made him exclaim about his hunger while trying to hide how self-conscious he was becoming but apparently, since he was already insanely nervous, his self-consciousness grew immensely and, even in the dark, his blushing face wasn’t too easy to hide.

A soft giggle caught the rugged detective off guard, turning his gaze towards the source of the noise, the sight in front of him was almost too much for him to handle; Connor covered his mouth with his hand as he giggled, the little wrinkles around his eyes brightened his face in a way that could never be done before, this was probably the first time Gavin actually ever saw the Android laugh and he never wanted to see anything else,

“I … I guess I’m hungry” he chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck nervously as he looked away as if he was now a teenager in love, “Probably should go and sort that out” he offered, peering back up at the man in front who was now gazing back with a fond smile only causing the older man to look away once again, heart racing like a jackhammer.

Without another word, Gavin continued their journey, pulling Connor quickly alone with him, hoping to any being above that the puppy dog android didn’t decide to scan his vitals and luckily, before Connor could reveal if he had or not, both their movements had stopped as they were now stood right outside of their date location.

Gavin was about to speak, state the obvious or something stupid but it seemed like his entire tongue had been strapped down and banned from speaking when the only thing he could do was make a strange hum of acknowledgment as he pulled open the door, gesturing for the Android to walk in which he did after closing and shaking the umbrella.

Once inside, it didn’t take them long to get seated at a small little two seated table near the window which normally Gavin would have avoided at all cost but … TINA HAD RESERVED A GODDAMN TABLE FOR THEM … so here they were, in view of anyone who walked past, neither one of them brave enough to speak as they both skimmed over the menus. Finally, Connor couldn’t take the silence as he pushed the menu to the side and politely folded his hands on the table,

“From all the signs I’ve been noticing, this is just as strange for you as it is for me, isn’t it?” the Android asked, smiling nervously as he watched the detective in front of him look up quizzically from his menu, “I’ve never been on a date before and to be honest, I’ve never really thought about anyone romantically, everything has been quite hectic after becoming deviant, learning emotions and doing things for myself, I’ve never really had time to think about the most human thing out there” he explained, noticing how Gavin had leaned himself onto the table to listen better, “When Tina cornered me, I was quite confused, she had started rambling about dates and potential relationships, at first I was very sceptical and didn’t really feel ready to push myself into things like that with people I didn’t know … but then she said your name and, well, I was quite amazed you hadn’t asked me first, I would have preferred you to” he finished, his shy gaze moving to his now twiddling fingers, which instantly caught Gavins attention.

It had taken the detective a moment to process the information Connor had just released to him but it was enough to have him, once again, speechless. His heart raced again as he realized that Connor had been wanting him to ask instead of Tina, that meant that he always had a chance and he was going to blow it away, wow he was an idiot,

“Wait, you wanted me to ask you out on a date?” Gavin asked, not confused per say, he just wanted conformation of that one statement which seemed to tickle the android a little as a small little chuckle blessed the mans ears,

“Well, a little, yes, I mean, I didn’t exactly know about all this dating or relationships but I was hoping you would ask me to spend more time with you, until now, I didn’t realize I had an attraction towards you” the android answered, a small blush appearing across his cheeks which instantly answered a question Gavin didn’t know he had, Androids do blush blue and now the asshole realized he was probably going to have to open up a little too, so he did, at least, he did the best he could,

“Since we’re confessing our sins, I should probably tell you that this whole attraction isn’t recent” he started, looking a little ashamed as he head lowered slightly, “the moment I saw you in the break room, I thought you were … well … hot, it pissed me off that an android could look that good so I tried to get it to go away by being an asshole to you which apparently didn’t work because when you left … I missed you … a lot, I missed your smile and your goofy way of talking and just, anyway, when you came back, I was ready to stop being a dick because I still had this huge crush on you and I wanted to try and actually get to know you better but I got scared, I thought you’d hate me and even when you said it was all cool, I still thought you’d hate me so I kept drinking to try and forget but that didn’t work and … yeah …” his eyes flickered back up to Connor who was watching him very intently, obviously keeping track of everything he just said making Gavin realize just how much he laid on him, “Sorry, that was probably way too much to dump on you on the first date … I know, how about we forget all that, all the crazy shit that happened, order food or drinks or whatever and get to know each other … wait, what can you have?” the detective mused as he lowered his gaze down to the menu, quickly perusing each item until his attention was caught by a soft chuckle across from him,

“That’s because you have the human menu” the Android mentioned, holding up his blue coloured menu with a cheeky smile, “our menus are different, they created a simple way for everyone to identify the different items here” Connor stated, to anyone, it would have sounded like he was being a know it all but Gavin to see the little twinkle behind his eye, revealing his little joking manner.

The rest of the evening went off without a hitch, they ordered food, chatted, joked, Gavin hesitantly tried the strange little smoothie looking concoction of Connors, which he had to admit, tasted like blueberries,

“…And then, she handed me this bright pink drink, I mean, it was like a glow stick and I was like ‘oh no, I am not putting that into my body, I just downed an entire bottle of Hennessy, no way’ and she was not letting up, so I took the glass, prayed to whatever deity is out there and downed it … wanna know what that bitch Tina gave me?” the detective asked as he ranted about one of his many drunken adventures, from the other side of the table, as Connor stared with intrigue, there was a little nod which gave Gavin the indication to continue, “That lying little bitch, made me down an entire glass of Pepto-Bismol, you know the stuff for stomach acid, she told me it was a cocktail and I downed it, to be honest, I can’t remember most of the night after that” Gavin finished, taking another bite out of his food as Connor gave him a soft giggle, obviously finding it quite amusing what with being around Hank and his humour,

“That was quite a story” the android thought out loud as he sipped on his ‘smoothie’, even with his limited knowledge on human gatherings and outings, he still understood a practical joke when he was told one, “It seems your friends are quite the tricksters” he commented with a smile and as the other man sent a cheeky smirk towards him, he had never felt more at home, something about this felt perfect, to Connor, Gavin felt like his long lost safe place, the piece he was truly missing,

“Yeah, Tina knows just how to make a night fun or deadly, I swear she’s out to kill me” he chuckled, placing his fork down with a light clatter onto the plate, “but, what I really want to know, does the ex-deviant hunter have any stories to tell? You must have done stuff over the year you weren’t here” Gavin asked, leaning his elbows onto the table to get a little closer to the Android which must have been a good little flirting technique when Connor, ever so lightly, bit his lip, moving his gaze to the side,

“Well, there wasn’t much I could do, I mostly stayed in Hanks house … well … there was one time I let Sumo into his room early one morning, he told me he never allows Sumo into his room when he’s in there but his alarm had been going off for at least ten minutes, he was refusing to wake up, so I allowed our little attack dog in to make sure he wasn’t dead … he didn’t appreciate that very much, especially when he started chasing me around the house with dog slobber all over his face” the Android chuckled, recited the story as if it was only yesterday, a huge grin graced his face setting Gavins chest on fire, the grin slowly turned into one of love and happiness, “That was the first time I ever called him dad” he whispered softly which seemed to melt Gavin into a little puddle on the floor.

The both of them sat for a little while longer, smiling and giggling every so often when they caught each other’s eye, neither speaking as the night continued on, patrons left and the café became quiet enough for Gavin to realize that the staff seemed to be getting giddy from watching the detectives date,

“Hey Connor, it seems to be getting quite late, we should probably head out before Hank sends a search party” he mumbled with a small blush covering his scarred nose, his chair scraping on the floor as he carefully stood, placing some money down on the table and a tip for the staff before holding out his hand for the Android to take, “Come on, I’ll walk you home” he offered, well, more told than offered but he didn’t want to come off pushy.

Gavin watched with slight amusement as Connor slowly placed his soft hand in the outstretched one nervously, standing from his seat ready to leave but the detective could easily see the slight movement of the Androids eyes between him and their hands.

After about 20 minutes of comfortable chatter and soft hand squeezes, the street leading to Connors home came into view causing both detectives to slow their pace until they had completely stopped, standing on the corner under a bright streetlamp, the light washing over the two of them as they turned to gaze at each other. Connors eyes seemed to glow brighter than they normally do, making Gavin step just that little bit closer like a moth to fire, something seemed to draw him in and he didn’t want to disobey,

“I know I’m going to walk you to your door but I guess I don’t want Hank to disturb us before we go our separate ways … but I wanted to say … thanks, for all this, agreeing to the date and … everything, I guess I wasn’t all that used to the idea of 2nd chances so all this, it was really nice and it helped, I’m just happy you-“ his words were cut short by a pair of incredibly soft lips pressing against his chapped ones, silencing any further thought that were to slip out and who was he to deny one of the sweetest ways to say ‘shut up’, so the detective closed the distance between their bodies, wrapping his arms tenderly around the androids neck as he made sure that Connor knew how much he never wanted this night to end.

Unbeknown to either men, two pairs of eyes were watching their every move through binoculars from a silent house not too far down the street, a grumpy older Lieutenant with greying hair and a younger overly-excited detective who was currently exclaiming how she was the worlds best matchmaker.

24 notes · View notes

sui-senka · 5 years

Text

The dumbest post

I think y’all should be here to witness the dumbest post I’ll ever make, as I’m not all about getting into discourse and that, and any other self-identifying Vergil lovers please come here:

@creepyscritches, @brasspetalsx, @fandomhell97, @breezeinmonochromenight, @kaldea88, @xalmasyx, @hornyangrybean, @noir-sorrow, @catspook, @xenontrioxide, @zilla-may-cry, @boobble, @vergilshusband, @tifaroni, @littlebluewraith, @im-a-clown, @genovaempera, @neodicronus, @thelessiknowtheworse, @thriilsy, @jestermania, @bunny-girl-sweetseek, @darka3363, @witchkiid, @45, @manadebutt, @magsamaire, @spaghetti-queerghetti, @clairexredfields, @204863-yunglynn, @yuri-subtext, @miss-soso-25, @josuke-kujo, @cameguisada, @trionfi, @glitteryhumanfiretrash, @lewdbunbun, @journalofsparda, @complacentdevil, @infernokid, @emogodmatthew, @brit-o-raptor, @salsa-and-chips, @gemstone-enema

I’d like y’all to bear witness, as I take down this bitch-ass clown. As I’ve blocked the person in question that I want to call out - please tag them into this post to have at them ;) Also - to the other people that didn’t get this, tag your mutuals and get them here.

I’d also like to announce that @thephantomporg84 is now masquerading as @derelict-stranger, and I got a few messages a few days ago about how she was gonna take down her account, and how she wants me to block all of you, which is ridiculous as you are all blogs that I have known and followed way before her and also I don’t know you either. I told her that I didn’t want to be involved in her drama, but here I am.

It’s kinda hard for me to make this post, as I genuinely thought that she was cool in the beginning - she helped to give me more DMC asks in my inbox, and she always reblogged my stuff, as I’ve been trying to make it with the big guys - like @myfairmidnightladyspade.

But I saw the stuff that she says online to you all, and I think I got some anon messages from her asking if I was a terf or not... and yeah - my heart broke. I feel like I have been deceived in some way. What I wanted to be there was someone who was cool, and funny to talk to, but turns out that person is petty, heartless, immature and straight up spiteful.

I may have to justify myself in why I got messages from her - I was only trying to console her, but to do it in a neutral way as I wanted no part in her drama.

Also - i’m probably not gonna show any evidence for how much she sucks cause there’s tags and anon posts dedicated to that sort of thing

I want you on tumblr, and you on Reddit to find her, and in the /v/ section of 4chan to block her and report her for all she’s done. I want you to wipe her existence from the internet until there is nothing left.

Now - I need to change the flow of the conversation by directing it to you, @derelict-stranger.

I’d like you to kindly log off, take a breather and think, for a second about the actions that you’ve done to the people that I’ve mentioned above.

I’d also like to tell you that your suggestion to block all those people above is complete nonsense. Why would you make me block blogs who have perfectly decent and awesome content, and to those who I have talked to longer than you? why would you make me block blogs who I don’t know? Quit trying to get me on your side. I want no part in your drama like I said before, and stop trying to manipulate me into getting me to give a shit about you.

I’d also like to tell you that your situation is entirely self-inflicted. That you trying to talk to me won’t work, the only reason that people are apparently “attacking you” - is because you, in fact, are the instigator, are the catalyst of all this hatred.

You - @derelict-stranger, lack any ability whatsoever to disagree well. From where I’m looking, all of this started because you don’t like Vergil from the Devil May Cry games and you don’t like the plot of 5, which seems extremely stupid to me, as he’s only a small-ish part of 1, one of the best boss-fights in 3 and just a mere mention in 4. The fact that you need to incessantly attack content creators who merely like him is stupid. Either keep those opinions to yourself, ignore them, or do my favourite -> stick ‘em up your big stupid ass.

It’s also stupid that when people merely like him - you have to bring in your own shitty opinions. No one asked you what you thought, and I’m pretty sure you’re actively seeking out fights with people just to feel good about yourself. It’s also super hypocritical of you ragging on about how much Vergil sucks, when you go crazy for Kylo Ren, as they share some similarities in terms of their vibes and traits. (Yeah - I see you asking for smutty Kylo Ren x Reader requests online.....) Why do you get pissy when people like villainous fictional characters - do your knickers

What I just want to know is what kind of personal gratification you get when you actively hate on a character, and what kind of gratification you get when just because someone disagrees with you - that you have to result using death threats, rape threats, pedophilia threats, racism, slurs, and ableism, transphobia, alt-right rhetoric, neo-Nazi shit, pro-Trump, and homophobic comments to content creators just doin’ their own thing. Is it just to feel like the bigger man, is it to make yourself sound smarter than the other person (Cause you don’t) - like what actually motivates you, what actually makes you want to shit on other people’s parades, huh? Sounds to me like you need to get a life.

The fact that you always need to play the victim is sad and pathetic too:

- That you’re on the spectrum: - Okay, there are a lot of people who are on the spectrum here on tumblr. But they don’t use it as an excuse to justify shitty behaviour especially if it’s unitentional. as I’m sure they and the people they know are. I’m sure they apologise and try to get on with life like how NT people do. As you know - a lot of people of the spectrum feel like they’re being treated as sub-human being babies that do nothing but screech all the time, and they’re taking action to change those perceptions. Your behaviours are not helping their cause.

- That you use depression as an excuse - I’m kinda sympathetic to the whole mental health issues thing. I have them too. In fact, I am a hot mess. But I don’t use that to excuse me hurting other people with intention, and I’m sure many others don’t either. At least 1/4 or 1/3 will have some mental health issues in their life, and yeah, it sucks, and it’s common but it doesn’t make them exempt from them being called out on their shitty acts. the fact that so many people are and can be mentally ill doesn’t make you special, and it doesn’t give you a free pass to attack others.

- The fact that you try to bait people into making anti-semitic comments, so you can call them anti-semitic. Dude, that’s low. I’m pretty sure that’s gaslighting and manipulation as well. You don’t get the right to use your religion/race in that way as a defence when you’re feeling attacked so that you come off a better person. I’m friends with many jewish people, and they’d never have the gall to do that. I know that your peeople have had it rough, but you can’t use that in an argument just to prove that the other one is a piece of shit, when it is in fact you. I’m muslim, a WOC, and ancestrally speaking, from a country that your so-beloved president essentially banned their right to seek a better life in the states. For as long as I can remember - I’ve seen news about my kind being universally hated, I’ve been brought up in a post-9/11 world where for as long as I can remember that me and our kind are the enemy (so I can sympathise) - but you don’t see me and other muslims here using those petty tactics that you use, because unlike you, we’re not myopic and we know that won’t get us anywhere.

I mean, this behaviour sounds bratty and childish - so I was thinking, she’ll probably grow out of it. Then I find that you’re in you’re mid-twenties, and I think “you really haven’t grown up at all, have you?”, and honestly it just makes the behaviour worse as you are resulting to middle school/high school tactics -> especially making me block all those people, calling them sociopaths and evil bitches. This ain’t high school or Mean Girls, moron, this is a fandom. A place where people can create, share, like and comment on content that makes you happy. I don’t think you understand what that means - cause all I see, and everyone sees is you spewing hatred everywhere. Fandoms are supposed to make you feel included, feel happy, feel safe, be a place to make friends. I don’t think you know that, and I don’t think you are even smart enough to realise that you are the reason why our fandom isn’t happy.

And honestly, at this point, the hatred you are getting is well deserved. You deserve to feel like shit if all you are going to do is make others feel like shit.

I don’t know what else to say but:

1. Get the hell away from our fandom

2. Get rid of your internet connection.

3. Get a life.

4. We don’t want you here.

5. You’re scum.

6. Go suck a dick, or flick a bean, whatever gets you off you troglodyte.

I liked you man, I really did. Then I saw how you treat others, and now I know I made a dumb life choice in making friends with you. If only you weren’t such a piece of shit, we could have been good friends.

I don’t want you here on tumblr. They don’t want you here. No-one wants or needs a toxic parasite like you on this website.

Yours sincerely,

sui-senka, who just sucked Vergil’s dick yesterday, and liked it.

#devil may cry #dmc #discourse #dmc discourse #honk off #thephantomporg84 #derelict-stranger #🤡

209 notes · View notes

atopearth · 5 years

Text

Hakuoki: Edo Blossoms Part 11 - Kazama Chikage Route

I know that Kazama needs to care about her well-being since he can’t very well let her die from exhaustion when she’s with him, but it was nice to see him notice when she was tired and find a hut to rest for the night to take a proper break. It’s great that Chizuru is finally showing interest in her roots as a Demon! I’ve always wanted to know more but since most routes revolved around the Shinsengumi guys accepting her for who she is, demon or not, it was hard to learn more about them. It’s nice to see Kazama telling her more about their history, like how it was inevitable that they had to exile themselves in hiding because no matter how powerful they were, humans had the advantage in numbers, and that was something they couldn’t overpower. Lmao when Chizuru takes her bedding to the other side of the room because she doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping so close to Kazama under the same roof. Girl, if he wanted to attack you, you wouldn’t get much of a distance advantage when he’s so strong😆 It’s kinda cute how Kazama follows Demon tradition and won’t do anything until they’re married. I feel like one of the reasons why Kazama was insistent on this route to Edo that Amagiri told them to not go through since it could cause trouble (due to Kazama not continuing his alliance with the Satsuma, and Chizuru is unknown to them I guess) with their identities was because he knew that Chizuru was fatigued and he didn’t want her to have to push herself anymore on these gruelling mountains. Good that she calmed him down and said they should go another way just in case them trying to enter through here would alert Kodo.

Omggg it was so sweet when Kazama grabbed her hand and walked with her like that after she nearly fell off the cliff or something. So dangerous, but him ending up doing that is so worth it🥰🥰 I was right! He was trying to get through that checkpoint for her sake!🥰🥰🥰 He’s so sweet and considerate! It’s common and natural instinct for male Demons to guard the well-being and safety of their women since they lack stamina and strength compared to them, so I guess he’s been trained to take care of women properly!😆 That CG of him holding her hand just makes me squeal in happiness😊😊 It’s pretty saddening to see Chizuru think about all those past happy memories she had with Kodo back in the clinic, only for him to come and step all over them as the monster he truly has become/is. So glad Kazama appeared when Kodo started saying he wanted Chizuru to breed with his Furies eughhh. Lmao at Kazama reprimanding her for not laying low like he told her to, and instead running right to trouble haha. I’m happy that Kazama prioritised protecting her instead of killing Kodo😊 And also happy that he acknowledged her conviction towards going after Kodo and Kaoru since this isn’t just Kazama or the Demons’ problems, it’s also her responsibility since they’re her family. It’s nice to see that Chizuru is recovering some of her memories of her burning village and how Kaoru led her away and then Kodo saved them by escaping with them. Wonder why Kodo couldn’t take Kaoru along if he could take Chizuru though…but I guess Kaoru would have wanted the Nagumo clan to think he was Chizuru so they could run... Nice to see that she can empathise with their feelings even if she can’t agree with their actions.

Is it just me or did I never truly realise how much the shogunate betrayed the Shinsengumi? Shiranui coming and telling Chizuru that the shogunate was already discussing surrender terms with the Satsuma-Choshu and that they practically sacrificed the Shinsengumi to the Imperial nationalist party because they had a bone to pick with them due to the past battles made me so shocked and disgusted. How could they do such a thing? The Shinsengumi are fighting their hardest and so desperately because they believe in them and yet they treat them like this to the end, I just can’t help but cry at how unfair and heartless this all is. And the Shinsengumi will be up against the enhanced Furies alongside Kaoru, they won’t even have a nice swift death, they’ll be torn to shreds and even eaten! As much as I’d like for both Kodo and Kaoru to have happy endings since they had to suffer so much as the people who were abandoned and abused by both humans and Demons; with their mindset and with how much Kaoru’s life has just been filled with pain, I honestly do think that it’s impossible for them, or maybe mainly Kaoru to really find solace in anything. Kodo died very quickly but I guess Kaoru was able to escape to come back as the crazy he is for another day. I do feel terrible for them though, them wanting revenge is justified, it’s just that their revenge would kill so many people and create unimaginable damage to Japan and even this world if they allowed such monsters to rampage. It’s nice that Kazama at least now acknowledges that there are humans who aren’t driven by greed and power. Now that Kodo is gone, Chizuru wants to see what has become of the only true warriors left - the Shinsengumi, and I would like to as well…

Not a fan of Kazama’s Western clothes but he always looks hot anyway, so, sure this is good too🤣 Although I feel terrible that Harada is dead, when Shiranui said that he might be bad luck since people he fights alongside with (they had a temporary alliance fighting against Furies) usually end up dying after, I couldn’t help but think about how Shiranui must feel that way towards Takasugi as well… I honestly didn’t think Kaoru would really be dead even though Kazama said he inflicted a grave wound and that there was no way of him surviving. I really thought he’d be okay and come back and attack them again. I honestly also didn’t think Kazama would take her back to her burnt village and that she would see Kaoru’s dead body laying on a bed of flowers with a peaceful expression. It honestly makes it hard to not feel sad and terrible about how much pain he had to suffer his whole life, and that it was only in death that he felt some sort of peace… So, the humans that destroyed Chizuru’s village were the anti-shogunate alliance encompassing the Satsuma, Choshu and Tosa domain that requested the help of the Yukimura clan but were refused since they don’t dabble in human affairs, but then they took that refusal as a challenge to their authority and decided to get rid of them… How honestly petty of them…I think I can see in a better light why Kodo was so insistent on revenge, he was the only adult left of the Yukimura clan, that knew how the clan lived, how kind they were etc and yet they were destroyed by such humans, how could he not get revenge for all the people he cared for that died? Kaoru kept to his promise to Chizuru that he’d protect her because he’s the boy of the family, and so he pretended to be her and went to Nagumo, but in the end, that destroyed him, not only did the humans destroy his former life, the Demons also destroyed his current life and potential future. They all suffered so much because of these humans, how could they not get revenge? How could they possibly understand Chizuru’s perspective that they should care about all the humans they are killing when these humans never cared about theirs? In the end though, the human civilians they killed definitely didn’t deserve any of this, and they did need to be stopped regardless, but it’s just so painful to have to know more of their background and history because it makes me feel bad that I detested them so much in the other routes. Even though I felt like I could understand them to an extent, now I feel like I really knew nothing of the magnitude of their hatred. They had every reason to become the people they were, in a sense, it couldn’t be helped, I don’t think I would have been able to do any different. Especially when even until the end, even until their last breath, the Yukimura clan actually held on to their principles and chose not to fight against these humans that came to kill them! I’m so disgusted and devastated.

I’m glad Chizuru realised on her own how reckless she was for wanting to head to Aizu castle without knowing anything and only going there on the possibility that the Shinsengumi should be there. It was so difficult to hear the passing of the guys as usual, but it was nice to see that Kazama was impressed and shocked that despite the Aizu having surrendered already, Hijikata still remains on the battlefield fighting where he can until his last breath. I was also impressed with Chizuru asking Kazama to go with her to Ezo (where Hijikata is) to witness the end of the Shinsengumi, and to tell Hijikata of the passing of the other guys just in case he hadn’t heard yet, since they deserve to live on in people’s memories and to be told of their last stand. When Shiranui came and handed Chizuru Harada’s spear and told her he was one of the bravest and ferocious warriors he’d ever met, I couldn’t help but cry. Harada was so kind, so strong, so valiant and unrelenting, I hate imagining him being torn to shreds by the Furies when he had finally run out of strength, it just tears my heart apart thinking about it🥺🥺🥺 But I’m also really happy and touched that Shiranui acknowledged him so much. It was really sweet when Kazama encouraged her and acknowledged that even if she didn’t pick up a sword and fight in this war, she fought in her own way with Kodo and everyone, she definitely deserves to cry if she needs to, I’m sure anyone has the right to cry in such turbulent times tbh. And having missed the Shinsengumi every time she thought she had finally reached them, who wouldn’t feel depressed? They’re so close and yet so far…

Since it’s difficult for suspicious civilians like them to get a boat to Ezo where everything is taking place, they had no choice but to stay at Sendai for a while to figure out what they can do to get there, and lmao it seems like they’ve been here long enough that Chizuru and Kazama’s relationship is practically like a bickering wife and husband. She takes care of all the homely duties and controls how much sake he drinks and can tell when he’s in a bad mood, and can even compare his attitude to be like a cat hahahaha. It’s nice to see Chizuru more assertive. She also seems much more mature, although she’s anxious that she can’t reach the Shinsengumi and doesn’t know what’s going on, she also understands that Kazama and Amagiri are trying their best and she is grateful for that instead of letting how desperate she is overcome her. I’m glad Kazama encouraged her when she was about to fall into depression that she might never see the Shinsengumi, he’s right, as the one who knew all of them and yet is still alive to this day, it is her duty to witness whatever else is left in their journey and to remember the people that they were, so she can’t lose faith yet, especially since the Satsuma are allowing them to board their ship now! Btw, dang does Kazama’s route have so many CGs! I’m so happy but jealous since the others have so few compared to him! When he hugged her, my heart felt so warm! He’s worried that she won’t be able to take it seeing the Shinsengumi’s demise. I found it so sweet when Chizuru asked Kazama to be beside her as she watches over everything that will encompass. He is the only one she wants to watch over them with. He is the one she trusts the most and believes will be there for her. At least she was able to see Souma and witness him becoming the chief and surrendering on behalf of the Shinsengumi, their pride and convictions live on with him and I think it’s great that they were at least able to see that.

I was about to scream at Chizuru for asking Kazama what he was going to do now since she’s done with everything she wanted to do (since she couldn’t find Hijikata’s remains, but at least they were able to find out from a soldier that he died valiantly like the man that he was), I’m so thankful he told her and then kissed her haha. He ain’t leaving you forever, Chizuru! He’ll take care of his clan by moving them somewhere else outside of human sight (since they might get attacked) and she’ll stay in Ezo to come to terms with the memories of the Shinsengumi. It was so sweet when he told her that she can come find him when she’s ready, but if she doesn’t, he’ll come for her☺️☺️☺️ He’s so cuteee~ Lol, I guess it is better for Chizuru to stay still at Kodo’s clinic and have Kazama find her instead but loll, she was literally just waiting for him to come get her😆 It was great when he came and then said he had prepared everything and found a place for his clan to move and that he was only missing her from this plan. I swooned! Hahahah, Kazama you’re so smooth!🤣 Nice ending🥰 Bad ending seems pretty silly though, I feel like even if Chizuru said she’d go alone to look for the Shinsengumi, Kazama would at least follow her to keep her safe considering how much they had bonded this past year, like what a waste to spend all your time getting her here, and then letting her run off and die by herself! I have mixed feelings towards the unrequited love ending. I find it weird that Kazama would die by Hijikata’s sword even if he were to turn into a Fury and be crazed enough to be seeking death. Also, I felt like it was more of a bad ending for Hijikata lol, just because that, a Hijikata who would be at such despair and allow the Fury powers to consume him as he tries to kill whatever he can in revenge for Kondou and his comrades is just saddening. A Hijikata that has discarded all hopes and is not aiming to fight the Imperial soldiers until his last breath just sounds so terrible.

Anyway, overall, I really enjoyed Kazama’s route, I loved it! Ending could have been better since I would have enjoyed them actually getting together and being together for a bit but it was still good! I think the story was very well developed and had good pacing. I liked how they didn’t dwell on Kaoru and Kodo being the “villains” they had to deal with for the entire time and instead they chose to deal with their story with a swift end to it, but also adding to it through Kazama’s recalling of the Yukimura clan’s past. It gave me a much better impression and more fleshed out background for why Kodo and Kaoru were how they were and how they were forced to become so deranged and unrelenting towards using and killing humans to achieve their revenge. It made me feel for them on another level and I’m glad they did that. I also really loved how the last half was based around Chizuru and Kazama trying to reach the Shinsengumi and see their ending because it helped to show Kazama that there were humans with proper principles and convictions and that refused to bow down to greed or a comfortable life. Kazama has always looked down on humans and never believed them to be worth a mention, so I’m glad Chizuru’s existence guided him to people that could show him another side of humans and I liked the change in him. Best thing was that this route had a coherent story AND it had a good amount of romance as well! Kazama was the one who showed the most emotional and physical support for Chizuru, but I think her existence and words made him realise how interesting she and the Shinsengumi were as well, and that helped to open his eyes broader to the vast amount of humans in this world, so I really liked how they both supported each other and how they both came to enjoy each other’s company, it was really sweet and cute! Definitely the most well rounded route in the game!

#hakuoki #hakuouki

7 notes · View notes

wandashifflett · 4 years

Text

It’s All About November 3

Everything is what it is, and not another thing.” That lapidary observation from the Sermons (1726) of Joseph, Bishop Butler, is one of the most profound philosophical observations I have ever encountered. One of the simplest, too. In nine short words, it introduces a principle of mental hygiene that Marxists, Freudians, Hegelians, astrologers, sociobiologists, and other lovers of mystification ignore at their—or, more to the point, at our—peril.

Butler’s chief target was what we now call the selfish theory of human nature—the “strange affection in many people of explaining away all particular affections, and representing the whole of life as nothing but one continued exercise in self-love.” Butler zeros in on the fundamental confusion that nurtures this unflattering view of humanity. It is this: a (deliberate?) confusion between the proposition that we cannot knowingly act except from a desire or interest which is our own, and the proposition that all of our actions are self-interested.

The first is not only true, it is a necessary truth: it could not be otherwise. The second proposition— that all of our actions are self-interested—far from being self-evidently true, is a scandalous falsehood.

It is a tautology that any interest we have is an interest of our own: whose else could it be? But the objects of our interest are as varied as the world is wide.

No doubt much of what we do we do from motives of self-interest. But we might also do things for the sake of flag and country; for the love of a good woman; for the love of God; to discover a new country; to benefit a friend; to harm an enemy; to make a fortune; to spend a fortune.

“It is not,” Butler notes, “because we love ourselves that we find delight in such and such objects, but because we have particular affections towards them.” How much wandering in mental thickets might have been avoided had Sigmund Freud acquainted himself with Butler’s Sermons?

Not, in truth, that I think it would have saved the world from the nonsense of Freudianism, any more than it would have saved the world from the monstrosity that is Hegel’s dialectic. Motives more powerful than the search for truth stand behind the erection of those mental bureaucracies, and it would be idle to think that mere logical cleanliness would rescue us from the egotism of intellectuals.

A Monolithic Wall of Noise

I begin with Bishop Butler’s incandescent observation because I am going to say a few words that might seem—but only seem—to contradict them. As we look around at American society today, what do we see? A confusing mélange that seems partly mindless, partly vicious. Our response to the latest Chinese import, the novel coronavirus—what was that? How long will we be in sorting out the petty and sometimes murderous tyrannies enacted by various state governors and other officials?

And what about the malignant nonsense that is Black Lives Matter? How did that happen? How is it that celebrities, major corporations, and tony schools and colleges experienced simultaneous multiple paroxysms of woke self-abasement because a lowlife career criminal with serious cardiac problems died in police custody? How do you go from an arrest in Minneapolis to the desecration of the Lincoln Memorial, the looting and burning of businesses across the country, and a regime of racially based (and racially biased) communal penance?

I do not believe I am violating the principle of Bishop Butler’s argument when I say that almost everything happening in our society—all the craziness, all the posturing, all the distracting noise, exaggeration, and downright mendacity—all of it is not about itself but about something else, and that something else is Donald Trump.

A new, flu-like virus is abroad in the land. The anti-Trump establishment goes to work: How can we blame it on Trump? He shuts down flights from China at the end of January: charge him with being racist and xenophobic. He consults experts. They tell him it is not a serious threat. He goes on television and says that: hysteria! Then he swings into action, mobilizes American manufacturing prowess and turns out more ventilators, protective gear, testing kits, and new therapies than anyone thought possible. The curve flattens. The political weapon that was COVID-19 falters. No problem. Declare a race war! Smash up the storefronts. Get everybody talking about racism all the time. Ignore the fact that the people overwhelmingly harmed by Black Lives Matter are inner-city blacks. Blame everything on Donald Trump.

The unremitting, monolithic wall of noise that has been crashing against Donald Trump since election day 2016 has gotten louder and louder, more cacophonous, more furious, more irrational. Everything is what it is, and not another thing. But the one thing that takes precedence over everything now is defeating Trump, which means defeating not only Trump himself but what he stands for—those 63 million voters who put him in office, for starters.

The Fundamental Choice

But it’s more than that. The forces of anti-Trump hatred comprise not just Democratic aspirants to high office but also, and more significantly, the media (social and otherwise), the spoiled, pajama-boy Left, and—above all, perhaps—the entrenched administrative apparatus of government, the self-engorging bureaucracy of the state whose fundamental allegiance is to the principle of self-perpetuation.

It is all of that which Donald Trump came to office to sweep clean, like Hercules confronting the Augean stables. The first time around the reaction was a compact of contempt and ridicule, but that was only because Trump could not win. The smartest people in the world—Bill Kristol, Nancy Pelosi, Rachel Maddow—they all knew he couldn’t win. So they didn’t come together in a single caterwauling primal scream to stop him.

This time they have. And since they control almost all the major megaphones, it can sometimes seem that everyone is against Donald Trump and no one is for him.

It can seem that way, but of course it is not. And that is chiefly for two reasons. First, there are those 63 million voters—perhaps it will be 66 or 68 million this time. Voters whose voices you don’t hear in the pages of the New York Times and whose rigged Google searches and Facebook hot spots somehow leave out of account. They’re sitting at home watching their cities burn, watching monuments to Columbus, to Washington and Thomas Jefferson be defaced or toppled. They see that, and they hear a nonstop litany telling them how racist they are and how evil America is.

And just about now, a great chasm is opening up. The choice, they see, is not so much between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. It is between the America they love—that Donald Trump celebrates—and the out-of-control forces of anti-American hatred that, though he does not understand them, Joe Biden manages to blink and nod and gibber around.

Everything that is happening between now and November 3 is about November 3. But the fundamental choice is not really Donald Trump or Joe Biden. It is civilization and America on one side, anarchy and woke tyranny on the other. The Democrats thought they could ride the tiger to victory. Instead, they will be consumed by the monster they created but could not control.

from Rayfield Review News https://therayfield.com/its-all-about-november-3 from The Ray Field https://therayfieldreview.tumblr.com/post/623457582264254464

0 notes

therayfieldreview · 4 years

Text

It’s All About November 3

It is a tautology that any interest we have is an interest of our own: whose else could it be? But the objects of our interest are as varied as the world is wide.

A Monolithic Wall of Noise

The Fundamental Choice

This time they have. And since they control almost all the major megaphones, it can sometimes seem that everyone is against Donald Trump and no one is for him.

from Rayfield Review News https://therayfield.com/its-all-about-november-3

0 notes

livefastdiepretty723 · 7 years

Text

Nicholas 💔

Disappointment and hurt they're the feelings that radiate through my body right now. I did not walk out of your front door almost a week ago because I wanted to. I hate fighting and confrontation, with a passion. I wish I would have stayed at fought because maybe I wouldn't be sitting in mediocre bubble bath with candles with the lights on typing this, crying. I've done everything except call you (never call me again, was one of the last things you said to me 😞I hoped that was out of anger.) and knock on your front door. I tried texting you, I didn't feel the simple I'm sorry was enough and I finally typed out majority of my feelings into another one, nothing. I couldn't resist the urge to talk junk when it wasn't really junk talking when I texted you after my saints beat Carolina. I handwrote majority of my feelings in case you'd blocked me, found a card and got you some golf balls which I left on your car, I know you had to see that, what you did with that is beyond me. I like to think you read it the note in the card. I sank to what I feel is a new low I had my friend contact you, I was shocked when you actually replied to her. But it hurts me that you could do that and then just ignore her and continue to ignore me. You could have at least let her know you weren't going to speak to me. I'm more upset because of that now. I had a hopeful feeling when I finally drug myself out of my bed today. I guess I was wrong. I'm driving everyone that I've actually been talking to crazy, but it's because I hurt and I care about you. Hell I don't think I've ever prayed so much for a person, not to have that person but for the situation I want things to get better for your dad for not only him but you and your mom. I still do, I just add that I don't want you to hate me and I wish you'd speak to me again. I don't know how you do it, they'd have me pumped full of anti-depressants, and all kinds of mental health related drugs, but you do it. You probably go above and beyond, I'm sure your mom adores you for it, I know I admire it all. I don't care that you live with them, I can't judge and wouldn't if I was in a different situation. Yes it was awkward that one morning walking by the handy man and then your mom, I thought I was gonna combust into flames out of pure embarrassment. And I'm sure she hates me for it, if she doesn't hate me for staying over and my "quiet" that isn't so quiet. I never wanted her to hate me, I definitely don't want you to hate me. I don't want those hateful words I spoke to you Friday to be the last ones I spoke to you, I'd almost settle for meeting up with you to just apologize face to face. But that goodbye would be the hardest one ever. Yes I let my insecurities and fears overcome me on Thursday night which only spewed into Friday morning. Friday morning was insecurities, the left over unisom and advil, along with my hatred of mornings and us leaving one another I hate leaving you. Maybe I should have just went through the motions, and done what we normally do in the mornings. I didn't want to, you tried to get me to change that with offerings of options none of which I wanted anything to do with. All I wanted was sleep. And that's all I've done pretty much since then between not being scheduled at work and not having a desire to do anything. I'm a hot mess with trust issues and when you start doing stuff like "him" I freak out. I'm sorry I'm the fucked up mess I am. I get that you don't have time for a relationship, well that's what was said in July. I didn't harp on that issue because I learned the hard way that doesn't work with "him". I was ok with it, in the beginning I didn't know what I wanted, over time I realized I would want more but I respected you and the situation and would wait. You threw some mean change ups if you didn't want a relationship, taking me to Fratellis, making me a birthday dinner (I don't care if it was after my birthday, and you having said you weren't big on birthdays and holidays. It was the best birthday gift I've ever got!), listening to me babble about stuff I haven't told some of my best friends, where did things go south? What did/say or I do/not do to change things? I get I'm not some spoiled rich girl what did you expect I'm pretty much what you see is what you get, I don't get some of the things you do but you know what if they make you happy I'm ok with it (yes, golf and your other recreational activity which I don't like but I'm intrigued by). you. I know I never did anything as grand as you did for me, but I really don't know what I would have done, you don't like sweets and I can't cook, I did buy you a batmobile, I finally got a tan line (and I hate them but you like them), I dropped $100 at VS on stuff you'd enjoy, I tried to rub your back when it hurt (I feel like I didn't do much good then.) I would move heaven and earth to make you happy. You told me I don't communicate with you, I would have talked to you on the daily, and if that was directed towards the bedroom I was typically enjoying the moment and looking at you. I wish I could know what exactly that comment was directed toward, I don't like talking on the phone. And I think I'm talking to a stranger with you on the phone it doesn't sound like you. Yes I guess that makes me weird. I think we were brought together for something bigger something that wasn't supposed to fall apart like it seems to be falling apart. I was at one of the lowest points of my life when I started hanging out with you. You made my bad days better, and like I told you that one day had you been five minutes later walking in the door, I would have been balling, and I would have been a brighter shade of red than they wear at your alma mater. I enjoyed the conversations as random as they may have been. I always thought to myself after I set your tanning bed, God he's so freaking adorable, and there's no way I have a chance in hell with him, and he's definitely not single. I was shocked the day you asked if I wanted to hang out outside of our short conversations while I was at work. I'd repeat the first three times we hung out over and over again and wouldn't change a thing. I was so smitten. I loved that you'd just let me look at you and exclaim how cute you were. Wait, you still are. Baths aren't the same anymore, no matter how many bubbles I add, candles I light, how hot the water is this tub sucks. The view isn't as soothing and there's not a good conversation with a handsome man at the the other end of the tub. I'd dreamed of the day that I'd get to enjoy a large tub like that, and I think that night you made me birthday was the best night ever regardless of you making me try medium rare steak. Under the stars was probably another one of my favorite moments. I would have endured camping with you to enjoy more moments like that. Hell I'd walk on a sea of legos to spend another happy night with you. I'm sorry, I wish you'd forgive me and that we could find a compromise. Meow. *shines the batsignal*

#nwa #batman #personal #feelings #hurt #truth

0 notes

morelovemoreadventure · 8 years

Photo

Cambodia was a treasure. From the ancient ruins of Angkor Wat to the pristine Sunset beach to the fresh crab in Kep, Cambodia has shown us calm beauty, delicious food and a deep appreciation of history (good and bad).

We arrived on Christmas Day in Siem Reap and wandered around Pub Street until we found a great little restaurant where we had beef lok lak and chicken amok – the two most popular national dishes.

After Skyping with both of our families the following day, we headed off to the National Museum to learn about the history of Cambodia, including the history of the Angkor temples. We are really glad we went to the museum first because seeing the temples made more sense after learning about them…

The next day we took a tuk-tuk to watch the (uneventful) sunrise at Angkor Wat with a million of our closest friends and then toured around the bigger temples.

It was an incredible day – these temples are unreal.

There is beauty around every corner – though I have to say that we both enjoyed the smaller temples without the hoards of people much better. The temples always seem a bit more magical without people.

The following day we took a bicycle ride around the temples stopping at many of the smaller temples. Again, it was an amazing day. They are just wonders.

After we had a delicious Cambodian BBQ, we were then off to Battambang.

We rang in the new year riding the bamboo train and watching thousands upon thousands of bats come out of a cave at twilight. What a sight! We also hiked up some stairs to a temple on the hill where our guide fed the monkeys…

Battambang was a quiet little town and we enjoyed our downtime. We also took a cooking class, which included shopping in the local market.

Battambang was a funky little town with outdoor ellipticals and iced coffee double bagged. We ordered iced coffee and iced thai green tea from a local cart... he gave it to us in plastic bags with a straw in it and that was inside a paper bag.... we laughed pretty hard. We also loved eating fresh fruit everywhere... I think we ate pineapple every day.

We then took the night bus to Sihanoukville, which was a trip because we got on after seemingly everyone else was already on board, and they were sleeper beds instead of seats (2 people per bed) and in our “bed” there was already someone sleeping there… so after having the bus man make the other guy find his actual bed, we snuggled into some already warm sheets. Delightful. We considered ourselves pretty fortunate because at least we like each other and, well, know each other. A guy we met at our hotel who was also traveling on this bus was lucky enough to snuggle next to a stranger… he said it was awful. The picture quality is terrible but you get the point....

But then we were in beautiful Sihanoukville where everything was beautiful except for the trash that filled the beach. This is a pretty typical party area and the beer bottles in the ocean proved it. But it was a stopping point for us to go to Koh Rong Samloem island on the west side where we were treated to virtually no people, blue ocean, fruit salads with passionfruit and perfect, perfect sand.

We slept in a tent suspended from trees… which sounded so exciting and romantic when we booked it. Turns out Jared weighs more than I do so it was like a giant hammock. He kept telling me to move over… but every time I moved up, I just fell back down. Ha! And on the last night, we found out that the tent wasn’t waterproof!

It was an adventure to say the least… But with sunset views like this, we can’t even begin to complain.

After an awesome week filled with kayak trips, snorkeling, and no wifi, we headed back to Sihanoukville in order to do some laundry and then headed to our next destination, Kep.

Kep was probably our favorite town in Cambodia - just a sleepy, little coastal fishing village.

We stayed at the most lovely guesthouse with views of the coast. We had a little bungalow and it was perfect. The owner was an amazing Cambodian woman – we drank Khmer tea every morning and evening before we went to bed and as we were leaving she gave us a bag of the tea because she didn’t know what we would do without it. And I loved her passion fruit smoothies – made with passion fruits from her tree – so she gave us passion fruits as we left too. Such a kind, kind woman and we absolutely loved our stay. If you ever find yourself in Cambodia, make a visit to Kep and sleep at the Treetop Bungalows. (and stay for more than 1 night!!)

In Kep, we ate crab – because that is what you do in Kep. The first night, we had the traditional Green Pepper Crab made with Kampot Pepper – pepper grown right in the area. It was incredible.

The next night, we decided to do the market crab adventure. We got 1kg (2.2 lbs) of crab (pulled directly from the ocean) for $6! (and I think we got ripped off… crazy!) Then we had it boiled for $.50 and bought some sauce for $1. Then we found a place to sit, bought some beer and a pineapple smoothie, and sat down to eat our boiling hot crab. Again, I had really romantic notions of this but it turns out that the shit is still inside of them. So after getting past the weird green gook, the eyes and the literal shit, the crab was really yummy… ha! It was still an awesome experience and pretty hysterical as well.

After Kep, we headed to Kampot where we went rock climbing. It was a lot of fun! It was my first time climbing outside and it was the perfect first-time experience.

We then headed to Phnom Penh where we visited the Killing Fields and the Genocide Museum. If you haven’t read about the Khmer Rouge and what they did to their own people, please Google it. It’s a horrible part of the world’s history and the marks of the damage their reign and the genocide had on the Cambodian people are evident even today.

From 1975-1979, Pol Pot and his Khmer Rouge regime took people from the city and forced them into labor camps all around Cambodia. Anyone associated with the old government, specifically men, was murdered. They killed anyone who was deemed intellectual (even people who wore glasses), the disabled, people who weren’t “full” Cambodian, etc. Most often, they murdered the entire family so that no one would take revenge on the new regime. From what we learned at the Killing Fields site, bullets were often expensive so they would line people up and kill them with farm tools, knives, etc.

While starving their own people, giving them only a bowl of rice and water where you could literally count the grains of rice within it, they worked them literally to death. Children as young as 5 were made to work, or arguably worse, forced to train as a Khmer Rouge soldier. Life was somewhat better off for the rural farm workers but as Pol Pot became increasingly paranoid, he began targeting everyone.

I read two books on the genocide while I was there, “First They Killed My Father” and a book with short stories written by survivors. In the short stories book, the author’s bio was included for each experience told. Most of them were living in America having been accepted as refugees after their families had been torn apart, many of them the sole survivors of their entire family. Their country had been ripped apart by violence and death surrounded them on a daily basis. All of the bios included their current occupation, many of them social workers helping rebuild their country, others having worked for the US Postal Service and other parts of the government – all of the stories were of productive members of society – grateful for the chance to rebuild their lives free of violence and free of starvation.

Why do we build these museums? Why do we build memorials?

So that history won’t be repeated.

Over the last 9 months, I have realized my greatest fear. Will I hide behind my privilege and comfort when people are in need?

From our standpoint, it’s time to remember that violence and hatred can be stopped by activism and by paying attention to what is happening around us. Democracies are not permanent structures and I know most of the people reading this blog are grateful for the stable and fortunate lives they currently possess. I urge you to look around at the people who are not feeling so stable or fortunate right now. What can we do to reach out and offer that helping hand?

This isn’t a post about being Anti-Trump or Anti-Republican. For anyone who knows us, we can’t live in Wyoming for 4-6 years and be an extreme liberal. We get the differences between the parties, between the disagreements, but what we see more are the similarities and the biggest similarity is that we are all human.

Let us not forget that.

0 notes

charlottebent-blog · 8 years

Text

Booby Charts

I’ve always been a moaner. Even before this illness I’d like to think that I had perfected the art of whining - never more content than when I’m drinking coffee and having a moan. My current complaint is the weather. It seems that overnight Manchester has made a bitter transformation. Having sunk into a depressive winter I can’t help but feel like I’m living in the Day After Tomorrow, tackling common folk for the last tin of tomato soup in the corner shop. As I seem to have lost all ability to regulate body temperature, I daren’t wear less than two pairs of slipper socks due to risk of contracting frostbite and losing a vital limb. Leaving the house, I have difficulty detaching myself from my hot water bottle. As I reluctantly tear myself away from it’s toastiness, I seriously debate how socially acceptable it is to carry the hot water bottle around with me, tucked under my t-shirt as if bearing a child. I decide against this in fear of a) having someone congratulate me and comment that I look like a whale/hippo (it’s safe to say any remark made about my body shape is taken critically) and b) fear that the hot water bottle falls out unexpectedly in a public place i.e. tram station platform, and I am required to explain its circumstances to a bunch of strangers. Nothing spells out crazy like a brown, fluffy, heated object falling from your body.

Arriving at the clinic, I am greeted by Paula thanking me for the bath set I gave her (something, in hindsight, I regret or should’ve filled with some sort of acid to avoid future appointments/mental prodding). As she peers at my hair I’m suddenly overly conscious that I have forgotten to brush my hair. Although I refused to brush my hair for most of my teenage years, I now take great pride in remembering to brush my hair a minimum of two times a day (having learnt that I spent the best part of 5 years with my hair resembling a knotty, dishevelled, squirrel mating hedge). Paula asks me how my Christmas was. I tell her it exceeded expectations and she appears just as thrilled as I was to hear about my newly padded bottom. I also inform her of being able to eat out with minimal mental meltdown. Looking pleasantly surprised, Paula asks how I came to the decision to eat out that night. So I tell her. You do it. You grit your teeth and try not to let the voices sink you. You eat. Not because it’s fuel or medicine. Not because that’s what people do. But because you love your sister more than you hate food. And when you fear the unknown, you find reassurance in the form of a sisterly hug in the toilets of the restaurant.

In an effort to improve the mood, I tell Paula that I have rediscovered my laughter. Never have I laughed so much than in the last week, primarily at my Mum’s participation in family games, which with the addition of wine is only made more entertaining. My particular favourite being her Canadian accent that sounded like a Pakistani cowboy. What’s funniest is that her efforts are genuine, meaning that you find yourself trying to contain your laughter at her adorably, pathetic yet deadly serious attempts. Similar to watching a child’s first piano recital, as they play 1 out of 8 notes to ‘twinkle, twinkle little star’ correctly - just enough to uphold their determination and pride.

Over two years of mental distortion and mistaken identity, means that I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t know which thoughts are mine. It’s not as if my thoughts are broadcasted in my voice, whilst Shanna’s are projected in a high-pitched elf like tone. They’re undistinguishable. Paula asks me what the negative thoughts are. So I tell her: greedy, worthless, self-hatred, disgust. Asking if I’ve ever used these words ordinarily, I nod. 'Yes, my dog is greedy’. I sense that this is not the response she expected. She makes me consider whether I should ask my friends/family if they also experience these thoughts, in order to indicate that the negative noise is not mine. Although fairly certain no one has snuck in, I examine the room in search of my nearest and dearest. After 10 seconds with no appearance of familiar faces, I put Paula on the spot. 'What makes you feel worthwhile?’ She hesitates as I watch her mentally gather her reply, carefully scanning her answer before speaking, to ensure there is no mention of food/exercise.

'Family, friends, work, dog, social life’. Recognising that she has carefully selected all things I can relate to, she reaches for a piece of paper and a pen. Paula draws two circles next to each other, I resist chuckling at her drawing that closely resembles a pair of breasts (a very wobbly, crooked pair at that). The circles (or boobs) are transformed into two pie charts, one chart has a large segment dedicated to body size/weight, the other chart is labelled the similarly, but has a smaller segment. The pie chart represents life. Of course the boob with the larger body shape section is mine, she explains that at the moment I prioritise this over pretty much everything. Essentially to reduce this I need to eat (shocker) and increase the other aspects of my life. She questions what I enjoy. I don’t know. I don’t know whether it’s what I like, or what Shanna likes. Rather than dwell on this Paula suggests that I add a new aspect, something I have not already got on my boob/pie chart. My misfortunate relationship status is an ongoing joke in my family. Therefore, when Paula asks whether I’d like to meet someone I, naturally, laugh. I inform Paula that there’s more chance of me eating a tray of cream cakes than finding a boyfriend. Eager to divert the conversation, I decline the prospect of adding something else into my life that will most definitely go wrong. With the silence growing increasingly awkward I am forced to remember my previous failed relationships. Memories flash of hopelessness and isolation as I urge for Paula to say something, anything.

Sensing my desperation, Paula questions my future. Do I want children? Do I balls. All I see on facebook is boasts about chavvy, bratty toddlers, with a pair of horrifically drawn on eyebrows as a pitiful excuse for a Mother. It’s safe to say that the only kind of baby I’m broody for is a food baby. Having made it evidently clear that I would rather snog a pigeon than have a screaming, bloody being extracted from me, she says that I must have some plans for the future. No. If there’s something I don’t need it’s more structure, more organisation. I have enough bizarre routines to abide without having to consider what I’m actually going to do with my life once I get it back to its previous, sane (ish) form. If I make plans I fear unaccomplishment (spell checker is telling me this isn’t a word, but I feel it should be therefore I am sticking with it). If I fail to meet my goals it’s more negativity, another aspect that I cannot control. Feeling I have more than outstayed my welcome, I hop onto the scales in a bid to leave sooner (I’m also aware that my dog has been left for over 2 hours and has recently showed signs of urinary incontinence). Learning that I’ve lost more weight this week than any other week ever, I get the feeling that I won’t be leaving as soon as I’d hoped and prepare myself for a kitchen flooded with dog wee. Apologising, I explain how the multiple milkyways and twixs I’ve eaten haven’t worked their magic. She looks concerned and threatens an appointment with Milky Julia. In an attempt to avoid a dietician about as qualified as a McDonald’s employee, I make a move for the door and come to a mutual agreement that I have one week to show progress.

Whilst exiting the comforting warmth of the clinic, Paula comments on how effective the anti-depressants appear to be i.e. I managed to speak without producing a single tear. As I am released back into Arctic conditions, I account the weight loss to excessive shivering and prepare myself for more teeth-gritting and food-eating.

0 notes