#cullthedeer

[gratisdiamanten]

ears perked up like a dog's when i saw apokastasis ichmfs and go in fear of the sun in there... are you still working on them? would love to hear about die middag als een open wond...

I poke at these every so often still because they've got so much narrative meat to them that it would be a waste to abandon them, you know?

Die middag als een open wond (english: that noontime like an open wound) is kind of a very very refashioned version of I Could Hear My Father Sing that's more grounded in the version of the Netherlands I've seen in person than the version I'd made up in my head before I lived here. It has a consistently darker, more plain and muted tone than how I'd written ICHMFS, and centers on different characters and different familial dynamics (this fic centers on Mathieu van der Poel/Christoph Roodhooft, and focuses more on the later rehabilitation of his relationship with his brother David after the disintegration of the family).

For those who followed me after my F1 stint, the short form of ICHMFS is 1) Jos sexually abuses Max, kills himself when he is confronted by Sophie with the prospect of being caught, 2) a couple of years later, Sophie begins dating Daniel who moves in two years after that, 3) Daniel grooms Max, and at 17, they run away when Sophie finds out about their relationship, 4) after a stretch of horrible mental health, they manage to build a life, marry in the early 00s, and adopt a daughter, 5) the daughter finds out in her late teens, confronts Daniel who dies in the ensuing few months, and she, Max, and Sophie are left to pick up the pieces and reconcile.

More symbolic hand-waves and explanations of the differences below if that's interesting at all.

In the NL, autumn-through-early spring is all brown and gray in the cities and even small towns with few reprieves of bright color. I haven't seen many personal gardens at all compared to the US. And then in the spring you get the green you've been praying for. The countryside is all green. It's the only real "color" to speak of, and it's mind numbingly vibrant. I'm a storyteller with a strong emphasis on color, so it's probably one of the biggest notable differences I lean into with this new version.

More than that though, it's the tone, which really doesn't serve the setting I'm trying to create, which is much deeper isolation with regard to Mathieu in die middag als een open wond. The method of suicide is more brutal, the surrounding not a tightly coiled small town with everyone pressed ear to ear (like the Verstappens and Schumachers in ICHMFS). They're in the Kapellenbos, and while neighbors aren't too far everyone takes pains to feel like they're far from each other. There are cultivated rows of enormous trees in front of the houses, hedgerows. Mathieu is a restless and difficult child frustrated by what is being done to him, and after his father's death, he is annoyed by all the grief. The Mathieu that Christoph abuses is a vulnerable and angry Mathieu prone to age-inappropriate self directed tantrums (biting his hands, hitting his thighs and stomach). He is easily cowed by praise about his athletics. It's the only place that gives him adequate direction.

Anyway, a small bit of what I'm trying to show:

Additionally, despite Max being a man, ICHMFS is ultimately a 3-generation mother-daughter story, with his daughter Mirjam coping with the reality of her parents and the pains her father suffered, pains that were necessary for the life she knows now. Mirjam had up to that point largely only known a kind home life.

Die middag is ultimately about brothers and the ugly bits of two siblings experiencing a trauma very differently. Mathieu, who was sexually abused, is angry and indifferent to his father's death, and later resistant to demands, constantly dissatisfied, self destructive, with unbearable ambition (that drives him to a career ending injury at 18). David resents how Mathieu draws attention, doesn't grieve normally, for reasons he can't understand. How he does better despite his unruliness. And eventually, for not only tearing the family apart, but for leaving him behind to clean up the mess without ever contacting him. In their mid to late twenties, they're reconciling. To me, that's the emotional meat of the story.

[526701]

for the meta ask game: 4, 10, 17 & 19 🕊

ask me!

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

"He liked archiving the different ways she smiled. The one she gave him when she expected him to pick up on her joke, and the toothy, open one when she laughed. The tight one she gave him in moments like this when she felt spoiled. The big, wide one she gave when she was proud, and the twitchy one when she was trying to hold back her laughter. Getting each one always felt like seeing an old, beloved friend, and each one made him want to find the rest even more."

i just love girl... using jamie drysdale as a vessel to wax poetic about women. i think romantic lovey dovey yearning stuff is one of my strongsuits and i def think i hit a stride w this one!!

10. How would you describe your writing process?

i usually have an idea or theme or specific interaction pop into my head and build from there. when i'm actually putting it on paper i type out an outline of vague story beats and then go back and add in specific scenes. usually these are still bullet points but if i think of a juicy line or something specific that i want to be sure to remember I'll just write it out and leave it in the outline until i get to writing that part of the story and then i just copy + paste! i usually work chronologically unless i get really inspired to write a particular scene, then i just try to chase that and get it all out. smaller stories like what i did w/ single thread of gold don't typically get outlines but might get editing notes thrown in at the bottom for things that i need to remember to go back and add/take away.

17. Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?

i've talked a little on twitter about how i don't necessarily care that my writing is good so thinking about how a reader perceives me/my work is strange. i will say that some of my close friends have read my darkfic and complimented me on it so i'm not too sure!! i'd like to think that my readers just think of me as someone w fun ideas that i like to share.

19. Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (favourite verb, something you describe ‘too often’, trope you can’t get enough of?)

i will always come back to summer love... it's my trope of all time i love reading + writing characters falling into something despite how little time they have and i love the hope and the trying not to have expectations and still being heartbroken when they move on even though they were never supposed to wait for you

[teekays]

thank you @hckyrcl for the tag !!!

Make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! Then, tag as many people as you have WIPs.

okay let's see.....

philly's ONLY gay romance computer repair

a bitch might start quacking

the pet project

girlllll dot com (vip room)

havasu

blockbuster

cuda restaurant au

mcstroming it

all star games indeed

arranged marriage au

tagging ummm @tofumilanesa @whoredeleau @moregraceful @cullthedeer @txstars and anyone else who wants to do it because i'm not tagging that many people lol peace and love

[cullthedeer]

when you get this ask could you perhaps maybe bless us with 5 of your fav songs (currently or of all time), and then send this ask to 5 of your mutuals who you think have good taste!

very hard question because i gen can never remember what i like but i tried... not in any order specifically ---

space dementia by muse (staple of the mav cullthedeer experience)

fortuna by scalene & o'brother

attracteurs étranges by mass hysteria

amour by rammstein

still by daughter

[526701]

@cullthedeer tagged me!

Make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! Then, tag as many people as you have WIPs.

i only let myself have one wip at a time and it also doesn't yet have a title so... here is the grand reveal:

tzjd summer au

going to tag @raftings so that i can ask about lesbian tz 🫰🏻

[gratisdiamanten]

Thanks for the tag, @cullthedeer!

Make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! Then, tag as many people as you have WIPs.

I’m just gonna throw in titles of WIPs because to be frank most of my docs are untitled 😭😭. I store titles in my brain. I also have too many WIPs to count, so I’ll just list the first that come to mind:

Levensloop

die middag als een open wond

Apokatastasis

Iti po Gobe

I Could Hear My Father Sing

Geyserites

Mariana Trench

Shining Anglerfish for Flashlights

Go in Fear of the Sun

fojbah

Not lots of people coming to mind to tag immediately because some of my friends don’t use tumblr so much anymore but: @redpaint @wouteke @jantratnik @flourbray etc!! If I forgot any urls just assume I tagged you :)