#dazai osamu i hate you sm you are so in love why why why WHYYYYY

[chaos-of-the-abyss]

i have once again become absolutely insane about the odazai scene in bar lupin bc like. dazai is never this sincere, this open. as a general rule he is more open and genuine with oda than he is with other characters, but even then the beast lupin scene was a whole different level. and what gets me is this is all coming from a place of such sheer desperation. dazai, at the end of all that he's wrought, finds himself so desperately wanting, so desperately hoping, that oda will understand why he did what he did, that oda will see where he's coming from. he prepared for this, he literally bet on the fact that oda would not know him, would not care about him, would not like him or consider him a friend bc that's what dazai had to do to keep him safe, to keep the world where he can live and write novels from disappearing. and yet, faced with the actuality of that exact situation he's created... dazai can't help but beg oda to understand the reason for his actions

he wanted this. he planned for this. and as hard as that was for him to do, i don't think he could have ever fathomed how much it would hurt to truly be confronted with the reality of it