#december lasted 6 years
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🦋🖤
#this is the mood for tonight#sometimes it's 3am and you just need to sit with your feelings for a bit#while working on things#i know its very late but i just work best a this hour#it's barely january and already my sleep schedule is messed up lol#december lasted 6 years#i think this is innocuous enough to stay? i'd say more but. mhm. the implications.#either way. i'm diving into my soft sad vibes playlist again#it's cold. i miss you.#darya talks to herself
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(crawls feebly into frame) i wasn't able to make a mini cover today like i wanted because UTAU-synth hates me but at the very least i have some barely touched renders to commemorate the occasion (hell beast release day)
UST file by UtauRezio
#just vocasynth things#happy 12th and simultaneously also 4th birthday crevan i got you none accent with left voicebank w#this vb was. uh. supposed to release today but#as of june last year i was still only about#(checks notes) about 53% complete with the oto#and would only be Fully complete with the oto if i fully oto'd at least 6 samples every day until#(checks notes again) this last december#long story short i would have died had i not tabled the project sdkfjhgldjf#one day i'll get things out there ! ! ! !#for now though future me is screaming and biting and killing me with hammers#the things i do to myself <33333#EDIT: (hits play and is immediately hit by the fact that i mixed this with my bad earbuds) oh my
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musing in the tags about the view two years out from my hysterectomy and the shifting nature of neuropathy. i asked my PT for recommendations/resources pertaining to pain science and that's been a very helpful lenses to have. i'm still not back to normal, will never be unmarked by this experience or return to my pre-op self, but my baseline has been gradually increasing over the last few months, and it feels good to look back on the last two years and say "i have no idea how i managed to function while living with that, but i did!"
#meatsuit renno#chronic blogging#ctxt#at first post-hysto pain was a deep burning ache#and eventually that lessened on my left side and settled in for the long haul on the right#after a couple weeks it had started to feel like a small carnivorous creature scrabbling and gnawing at the inside of my abdomen#nestled into the hollow of my pelvis and reaching up with its raking claws#about 6 months in and the creature still chewed occasionally but had shrunk to the size of a tennis ball under my right incision site#it clamped its jaws down and went to sleep and i perpetually felt like someone had pinched a fold of my insides with a large binder clip#this constant awful twisting tug every time i moved that kept me from straightening up or breathing fully#this is about a year into recovery and my original surgeon has blown off my requests for follow-up treatment three times now#i carried on as best i could. fatigue and brainfog getting worse & worse as the pain wore on unrelentingly#about a year and a half into recovery it worsened again. searing lancing pain like i'd been impaled on a piece of white hot rebar#couldn't hardly move. couldn't think straight. couldn't sleep#finally checked myself into urgent care & then the ER just to try to get someone anyone to take me seriously and help me#finally got a referral to a new surgeon who immediately pinned it as extreme neuropathy#started gabapentin end of december last year and the relief was immediately#i never thought i would welcome the gritted teeth vice grip of my little feral pain creature#but when i felt the molten spike slide out to be replaced once more by its worrying jaws#the intermittent spark and fizzle of that pinching squirming pain was a dramatic improvement#then i started PT in march and slowly so slowly the creature's hungry grip is loosening#it still clamps down occasionally. maybe once every week or two i'll have a day when i just accept#that there will be a horrible little creature chewing on my right side from the inside#but nowadays with the gabapentin doing as much as it can and an exercise routine i must stick to religiously to supplement PT#the pain is more of a little pearl of dark matter shifting around under my skin#it's incredibly dense. the heart of a black hole of disabling agony. all that white hot fury condensed into a slick heavy marble#as i recover some of my strength and energy i can feel my body coating it in nacreous layers to minimize its influence#my hysterectomy was 2 years and 4 days ago today and i feel like i can finally finally say i'm beginning to truly heal#i suspect i'll always carry this pearl in my side like shrapnel. product of damaged nerve tissue that went untreated for far too long#i wish my original surgeon had been more competent more attentive less lazy & indifferent to my pain. but i still don't have any regrets.
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I... needed to hear this. Wow.
#idw sonic#sonic the hedgehog#scrapnik island#idw sonic spoilers#i haven't said anything here because i didn't want to worry anyone#but i've been in a really bad place mentally over these last few weeks due to missing a really important deadline in college#like. stuff that will take 6 months to a year to fix#and I've been beating myself up for it since december of last year. it got pretty dark at points#this helps. a lot.#sonic is important tbh
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Daily November crying sessions start today
#why. who. how. how tf does my professor think it's okay to assign 4 major assignments in the same amount of weeks + 4-6 readings every week#all of which are ~20 pages.#i've got all that to do and another big assignment for a different class. plus the weekly readings and reflections for that one.#and i have work.#i've stupidly decided to volunteer for a thing on saturday in the hopes of bulking up my resume + rubbing elbows with the administration.#and i have a medical thing on friday and i'll be looped out and likely will have to sleep half the day. probably won't get ANY work done.#what else..... some fairly easy stuff for my other class thank GOD. but a lot of reading and preparing for a few big essays.#november is the month i hate the fucking most. i always lose my mind in november. and no wonder!!!!!!#meanwhile people are bugging me to hang out. i will be in a student-coma until approx. the first week of december. see you then. peace.#oh and my BIL + SIL sitting me down and showing me all their europe honeymoon photos for 2 HOURS last night is also not helping my mood.#fuck you lol#like i'm happy for you and nice photos but also? Fuck You.#if i can offer some dark humour though.....#my fic axis exists because of a legitimate smidge of insanity i experienced last year. it shifted the way i looked at the world and at grie#sooooo i wonder what kind of fic my mind will crank out this time?#i don't think i'm at risk of losing it this year though. doesn't seem that way. but we'll see!#i can write/draw good things without sacrificing my mental health first i can write/draw good things without sacrificing my mental health f#rst i can write/draw good things without sacrificing my mental health first i can write/draw good things without sacrificing my mental heal
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#and after one last day of work (and a nearly 14 hour one bc people just love to leave things until last minute)#i just shut off my laptop and it’s not getting turned back on again until mid january#almost 7 glorious weeks of vacation to enjoy december and christmas 🥰#and i’m leaving for my dream trip in 6 days!#i’m so excited!#i’m having a cuddle with noodle (more like he’s kinda crushing me but it still counts lol)#and we’re about to go to bed because i’m sleepy#but i’m so happy i decided to take time off#also i’m so excited for advent season to start tomorrow#truly my favourite time of year#anyways rambling again good night <3
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tried to fix my laptop today and the guy basically was like: its safe for now but unfortunately you gotta buy a new one
i just feel shitty about it not lasting a long time (roughly 2.5 years) and even said it to him and he pretty much said its not bc of me or the computer but because the computer companies arent making the right materials in order to push purchases and he cant get what he needs. he then recommended the lenovo think laptops bc he said they are literally the only ones that he never sees come in with any issues
#like all of my other computers have lasted at least 5 years#and with everything happening in the congo i was trying to avoid buying a new one#but just had to bite the bullet and move everything over while the old computer lives#he said it was also the weirdest thing hes ever seen which is embarrassing lmao#and he only charged me $15 despite the sign saying $40#i think he felt bad he couldn’t fix it#new laptop arrives sometime in december#i guess at least this happened during black friday so i could save about as much as im spending#this is also a local very well reputed computer repair store#i knew if he couldn’t fix it it was doomed#he said he theoretically could but it would cost more than a new computer and no guarantee it would last longer than 6 months
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Oh fuck. Today marks 6 whole years since The Bullshit started. I mean. It'd Started well before then but that's when it officially started yknow. And what cosmic irony is it that a whole new bullshit that's basically just a worse version of the original bullshit is starting now too
#my autoimmune disorder fully kicked in on Feb 18. 2018 lmao#and like. I know it all started before then bcuz even that previous April I had what I realized later was a flare#and the December before that was when I had strep that spread to my ears and almost definitely my brain bcuz my doctor just didn't give#us the strep test results for a whole week#so shit was definitely going wrong before then but it didn't actually Do anything until that day yknow#we were in Seattle to see Hamilton live and I could barely even see the stage because the world was spinning too much and I was so nauseous#I spendt the entire next week in bed and barely ate anything. missed a ton of school. and it just never got better#and now here we are. 6 years later. and I've spent almost the whole week in bed and barely eaten. waiting on specialist appointments again.#it's like nothings fucking changed#last year I was almost over even remembering the day because I'd mostly stopped grieving the loss of the life I used to have#and now it's even worse than before.#idk man it's just. it's a lot yknow#armchair speaks#actually disabled#physically disabled
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how is this normal?? it’s supposed to be fucking autumn
#we’re going through a heat wave AGAIN as if last year we didn’t have 4 heat waves one after the other#just in the period between october and december#and I still have doubts it’s normal that in 2 hours the temperature will rise up 6° IN TWO HOURS#shouldn’t it take longer?#anyway I’m gonna go to sleep now or I’ll start a rambling that will end up on wishing#that all billionaires die and only then the earth and I will know peace#b talks
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youtube
"Last Christmas" by Wham!
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Flight Rising is celebrating its annual Night of the Nocturne festival, which means I have zero life outside of grinding for dragon eggs for the next 2 weeks.
Join me in egg hell if you also play, please.
#taivus rambles#Give. egg#flight rising#flightrising#Every year this is all I do in December#So addictive#have 6 already and also 62 remaining from last year. I think I might try to hit 100 and then hatch them all
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today i saw so many instagram stories of people going to the public health manifestation 😭. maybe there is hope after all
#for those who don't know#i don't know how it's in the rest of the country but in madrid the current conservative government has been privatizing non-stop health#centers#while closing public health centers and understaffing hospitals#for instance in my town of 60k+ inhabitants there is no longer an urgencies center#if we need to go to the doctor's for an emergency at 3 am we would have to drive to the next town (or pay for private health care)#i also asked for a doctor's appointment last august and i have it on mid-december#same for a surgery i had last year#i had to be changed hospitals to accelerate the process and with all i still had to wait nearly 6 months#i thought of going to the manifestation but i had too much uni stuff to do#i'm glad so many people mobilized
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Yakuza 8 better give Haruka peace and Kiryu the ending he deserve's if it really is going to be his last game.
#and don't lie and tell me she got peace at the end of 6 because she didn't#Was absently thinking about why the end of y6 made me so angry and why I'm so funny about Haruka and then it kinda just clicked in my head#we both had a parent die traumatically in december when we we're 9 years old#we are both our fathers daughter#so yeah I need Haruka to get the ending all us girls with dead dads will never receive okay??#See y6 wouldnt have been half as perplexing had it not meant to be kiryus last game#like obviously they retconned that now but it was a bizarre swan song for him regardless#so yeah at this point he should get a retirement at the orphanage because if they were going to kill him for good#they should have done it when haruka had him with her and haruto#I would have been pissed but it would have worked#but they faked it out and he's alive so- Reunion has to happen or these games can die#also i want to see properly grown up haruka so so bad#end crazy girl tangent
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Auuugh I need a new computer right NOW my computer just crashed two times from trying to upload some files to photoshop
#like. admittedly a lot of big files#but also. this computer is like 6 years old#fun facts about my poor computer:#3 of the keys barely work#the frame around the monitor has partially popped off#the grate around the fan has broken off#among other chips in the plastic#then just a me problem is that the storage is almost completely full bc I never delete things#should be getting a new laptop for Christmas but I am. impatient#sigh#well in other news almost done with my finals. last of them are tomorrow#and it’s December which means hopefully new kagihira chapter…#good things happening this month#to the void#sunnfish.jrnl
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man i kinda feel bad for not finishing that faruzan drawing for her release but december feels™️ finally hit me and i have no idea if i'll even manage to finish it in 2022 jshxhsjjsj sorry faru</3
#today after waking up at 5 30 and going out of house at 6 15 when it was cold dark and raining my mood was... not great#and my brain decided that it was a perfect moment to remind me that it's been almost exactly a year since the day that made me develop#a paranoia and that was overall quite a traumatic experience. splendid#i feel like i won't get anything done this month hhhhhhh can december just end already#not like last january was any better but. december gives me especially bad memories#especially that i STILL havent told anyone about it and i just decided that i'll keep everything in my heart and one day i will die i guess#and im still not sure if it's her fault or if im just overreacting as usual#ughhhh and poor unfinished faruzan drawing is a victim of all of this</3
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#i’ve written 6 christmas ficlets already ☺️#and surprisingly only half of them are larry! would you believe that lol#i did a ziam one a ziall friendship one and an OT5 fic#and also surprisingly they all have titles already lol#i did this thing where i didn’t alliw myself to start writing the next one until the previous one had a title#so i wouldn’t get stuck having to come up with 6 titles all at the end#surprised it worked but it did#yay lol#i have ideas for 1 or 2 more i’d like to write#one narry and one more larry#excited to post them throughout december#a bit like the advent-ish fic i did last year which was so much fun#except with seperate ficlets instead of chapters#also on an unrelated note i’ve decide i’m putting up my tree tomorrow and i am excited! 🎄
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