#deff deleting later

[murdrdocs]

… i think scissoring is hazels biggest fantasy.

minors dni.

like i can just see her, laid below you, legs spread to accommodate your pelvis against hers. her pretty pink lips parted and glistening from your chapstick, her cheeks flushed a similar color. her eyes wide and bright as she stares up at you, marveling at your frame as it rocks with the slide of your hips.

she hasn’t taken her eyes off you yet, and they’re watering excessively from her refusal to close them. she’s not aware of anything other than you. oblivious (or possibly uncaring) to her blatant staring. mouth unknowingly running a mile a minute as she babbles out praises and encouragement towards you.

(“you’re so pretty, babe. don’t know how you’re all mine. fuck, you feel so good. ‘should do this more often. please, can we? ‘s like my wet dream come to life.”)

it’s kinda cute, adorable even, the way she’s so enamored by you grinding your pussy against hers. she’s barely doing any work, yet her hair sticks to her forehead.

you brush it back for her, increasing the air flow along her heated skin as you coo softly. hazel melts into the touch, eyes closing as her head chases your hand, cheek resting in your palm when you cup the area.

[insomniactalks]

To all the anons/asks in my inbox awaiting a reply, I have a really busy July ahead of me (b/c of work, school, and life lol 😅) so you may have to wait a while. The weekends are the only days I have some time, so I will deff get to some of y'all soon. Sorry y'all. 💔

(Tagging the following cuz of what the asks are about to ensure the anons see it. May delete later.😊)

[resilientdolan]

bitch is bored during class, she did weird shit. bitch is me 👁👅👁

[rockshortage]

might fuck around and call myself Alex

[southsidebridge]

me: *scrolling through dashboard seeing that I got reblogged by one of my faves*

[gazeofthegoddess]

Bout to do some replies in my drafts. but my only comment on recent events on my dash the past few hours is a reminder to rule #7. due to that rule you might see me interacting with someone/anyone* you are not fond of, but the fate rpc is small at the moment and i’m trying to become active again so i’m not going to be too picky on who i chose to interact with. I always tag urls so if you see me interacting with someone you don’t like then you can blacklist their url, it’s that simple. I just want to have fun rping Euryale again.  *small edit, to note that i am not even referring to anyone specific & that i am talking general. that means even people i consider friends might see me interacting with people they don’t like

[hezuart]

That anaversary aizen looks absolutely fabulous, he looks like a figure skater xd.

I heard along time ago the last arc of the anime was being animated finally bc they pulled a 90s sailor moon were the last season was not either animated or dubbed untill decades later.

I recall near the end of the current 366 episodes there was an episode were the creapy demon ppl woke up in hell and we're all bitter, and there was the other guy who was like, iM cOmEiNg FoR u IChIgO, but then is never mentioned again after and I'm like,why? Why is lt there just plopted randomly into a different arc that seams unrelated.

And locking aizen up underground seems ok, but It deff won't hold, and he will. Escape, and he will kill, you either need that one spell from star, dubbed, the darkest spell of moon the undaunted, a powerfull dark spell that killed immortal beings, that came from best character, eclipsa, the queen of darkness.

We need that.

Or stick him I'm crystal like eclipsa was in star. Is there no one who could trap him in ice or crystal for all eternity.

How about throw him into the centre of a volcano trapped and caged , forverr being killed by heat?

I assume there's space travel, send I'm into a black whole, were a black whole don't fuckin care if your immortal or fat, you will die

:3

Yes, I love anniversary Aizen. His original octopus-butterfly hollow design was ugly so I'm glad he's back to being the fashion icon he is.

Locking Aizen up underground once is one thing, doing it twice after saying he got more powerful by just sitting there, and he escaped to battle the Quincy Soul King God... is another. I think he should have escaped at the end of the Quincy arc. That is the only feasibility.

I heard the anime is coming back for the Quincy arc as well, but because of COVID its probably going to be delayed. (I'm not gonna watch it until the Rain section of the arc then I'm dipping out. I'm only here for Zangetsu)

and funny that you mention that hell scene in the manga :)

-> spoilers for the new BLEACH 73 page anniversary chapter / thoughts/critique on it

So hey you had a premonition! Syazel .... returned? And his hole is outside of his body??? for some reason???

(I didn't understand the explanation or why / how that happens and what that means for the hollow)

And my friend and I were laughing because out of ALL the things. Kubo could do in this anniversary. He gave Syazel his dick back after going to hell. That is iconic. (that's where his hole was located, and now that its not on his body ... well...) This is the funniest thing Kubo has EVER pulled. Kudos to you, sir.

The entire internet is freaking out over Ukitake being in hell. Honestly Kubo has done far worse, and we've established that Soul Society is a corrupt system that hasn't changed, so I'm not surprised he would pull something like this.

At the same time, Kubo 1. cheated his audience. 2. continues to prove me right that he cannot bring himself to kill his characters

1. Hollows who have commit murder in their human life are sent to hell. Syazel and Aaorniero are two of these hollows, and yet, when they are killed, there is NO gates of hell scene. We see them there later in the hell chapter (which was more of a promotion for the fourth movie and I didn't believe it would hold any merit)

But the same goes for Ukitake. We never see the gates of hell take him. What, was hell late? Did hell's gates get lost like an uber before picking him up? It's bull. Withholding such vital information from your audience, not showing the gates of hell when they should pick up this soul IMMEDIATELY is ... I mean its a lie. Kubo lied to his audience.

2. Now we are told powerful shinigami are sent to hell when they die. First of all that sounds like a security threat. Wouldn't shinigami want revenge for that? Or attempt to escape? Why would they still hold loyalty after being sent to a prison of eternal suffering?

Also "Yhwach and Aizen" were the only ones keeping Hell's gates closed is way too convenient and doesn't really make any sense. I feel like Aizen should have deliberately gone to hell to retrieve powerful shinigami / hollows for his army instead of keeping it /closed/.

This is definitely a Kubo-doesn't-know-what-he's-doing-and-is -making- stuff-up-as-he-goes, but it might have a pinch of merit because of previous plot lines.... but either way, there's some big plot holes here, but again, its Kubo, so I expected nothing less.

Again, he can't kill off his characters. He introduced zombification, he introduced immortality through the hougyoku, he has Orihime and Hachigen's reversal / rejection abilities. He brought back Luppi, friggen.... a character who's entire upper half of his body was incinerated. Like.... come on. No. He's dead, you can't bring him back like that. That's a cop out and just weird. You're taking away consequences and grief.

(Also Yamamoto and Unohana deserve to be in hell far over Ukitake, they've done some fcked up stuff in their pasts unlike him)

Also Kubo's favorite character is Mayuri, which.... you're allowed to have a favorite problematic character. But Keeping said character alive and bared from the consequences of abusing his daughter, murdering innocents, and experimenting on your own squad members? Nah. Nope. Kill him, Kubo. Kill this dude.

(his weird attachment to Mayuri is probably why he keeps bringing Syazel back, since Syazel is Mayuri 2.0, but Syazel is the bad guy who does face consequences for his actions while Mayuri is not)

~

Also, I'm certain Kazui and Orihime are going to be THRILLED that their precious husband/dad is going to hell when he dies :)

(I just... Rukia teased Ichigo about leaving Orihime at home. She teased him about having a house wife who he leaves all the chores to. Orihime had two panels. She checks on her son who promised he would be at home and sleep. Kazui fcking breaks his promise like it never mattered to him and JUMPS out the window after pretending to sleep in front of his mother. ... An 8 year old... alone... in the middle of the night.)

Orihime is abandoned. She is not invited to SS, she is not informed of what is going on, her son leaves her.... I...

Orihime is a side character. She doesn't matter anymore. She hasn't mattered for a long, long time.

A part of me is glad she had little screen time, since she tends to waste it, but another part of me is embroiled with rage.

I've even see people try to defend this. "Orihime and Ichigo can't be together ALL the time, that's an unhealthy relationship!" and I'm like guys... that's not the point. The point is Orihime is not part of Ichigo's other life. Any shinigami stuff from now on is none of her business. She's going to stay at home while Kazui and Ichigo go off and save the world. Ichigo is going to be fighting by Rukia and Renji while Orihime watches from the sidelines, or worse, doesn't even know what is going on with her husband and son. Orihime is going to be uninformed and abandoned, because she has not proven she is capable of fighting by their sides(go on, @ me. I will fight this. She's a failure.), and also because she prefers a human life over a dead one. Which is ironic, because she married a dead man. Ichigo is a shinigami, and he will be one forever. god forbid she ever meets his Zanpaktou. She would tremble in fear at the monsters her husband harbors in his soul, especially when she realizes they don't care about her and would rather see her dead. (Zangetsu would absolutely kill Orihime. Not sure about Kazui, but Orihime has not accepted Zangetsu, she does not like either of them, and the feeling is assuredly mutual.) frick now I want to make a comic about this

Also still frustrated over Zangetsu's shikai / bankai regression. Kubo once again lied to his audience. Ichigo has no bankai. How ridiculous is that? The main character of BLEACH doesn't have a bankai. Insulting.

(RIP to Chad. He doesn't exist anymore. He's just gone. No mention, no cameo. Gone.)

Kazui is a demon child. That character from the novels? Hikone? They're the same character. Literally same personality, same power level. Its worse because Kazui is a liar. He constantly goes behind his parents' backs. He can summon creepy fish and creepy eyeballs and open portals like is ANYONE aware of this? How has SS not kidnapped Ichigo's son and experimented on him / locked away his powers yet? All substitute shinigami require a reiatsu controlling / spy badge to keep them in line. Where is Kazui's? Or is he just a weird fullbringer?

I was worried Kubo was gonna try and pull a knock off Boruto but luckily he kept the focus on Ichigo and the others. But that being said, Ichika and Kazui are now just... sort of there? Kazui was kinda just.... having his own adventure that doesn't matter to the plot at hand, and Ichika had some nice characterization at first but she just hid behind her dad the whole time.

I have a feeling Kazui is gonna step in at the last minute or do some major behind the scenes thing that indirectly interferes with the main plot so no one will realize how powerful and dangerous he actually is. Its sad because Ichika is the superior character in personality and likability, but she clearly is not going to have a bigger part in this.

Ichigo having a normal life after everything still feels extremely boring and uncomfortable to me. Everyone's like 'I'm still bLEACH!" but.... BLEACH just... doesn't feel like BLEACH anymore. It hasn't for a while now.

~~~

There's two new shinigami characters. Didn't care for the girl, but the Sign Language kid who talks to animals is adorable ... however... he just reminds me of Chad, and I just... it hurts knowing Chad has essentially been deleted. Chad and Orihime are officially benched. They have chosen the human world, and Orihime has given Ichigo his spawn so she has no more use/purpose to him anymore... ////sigh

~~~

Also. This is claimed to be a new "arc". So is the BLEACH manga coming back? What is happening. I thought Kubo was tired and didn't want to do BLEACH anymore. I thought Shounen Jump cut him off. People made so many excuses for Kubo and why the past two arcs have been so badly written the past 6 years and now almost everything they've attempted to defend him with has been revoked.

BLEACH is going to continue to screw up its plot lines and characters, so Its probably best for it to stay dead but I've seen a lot of Kubo stans drooling over this content, they're desperate for BLEACH's return, but its already given out all its possible revelations. There's really nothing else to top here. It's just going to make things up as it goes along ,and I'm not really here for half-assed writing like that, especially since the damage of rushing the previous manga has already been done. Kubo and Shounen Jump are riding off a money nostalgia. None of this was planned.

Honestly though.... overall feeling of this chapter, not as bad as it could have been.

Syazel stole the spotlight, and he's my friend's favorite character, so that's all that really matters.

[bonecage]

I didn’t completely believe that she had access to his account either until I saw that screenshot where she very obviously replied to herself from Jensen’s account in the comments of some post, I don’t know if you know which one I’m talking about but it was pretty fishy. Not to mention the fact that the tone of his posts regarding her changed up pretty drastically after the twins, before that they were very simple and to the point, the kind of shit you’d expect from your typical male, but after that it was all saccharine sweet and romantic. Idk maybe his pr team told him to step it up lol. But like I said if she is posting as him, it’s 100% because he allowed her to, they’ve both done this a lot actually, outright lying and faking stuff to appear as this perfect couple.

I know what screen shot you mean, and yea I find it a bit sus, but wouldn’t she have deleted it by now if she were impersonating Jensen and messed up, like I think that comment is still up. There was deff a shift in how he posted/commented on insta about her for sure, I’ve always thought - and still do - that it came off as him making up for something tbh. Like, there are quite a few rumors about him stepping out on that ‘secret’ site, and maybe elta discovered something somehow about him being with someone else idk. Or maybe he was making up for that one fan that air kissed him and he later liked her insta post about it lol.

[notyobabygirl]

liz :( pls help i’m freaking out. ok so i'm w my bf earlier (of 7 years) and he gets a ft call and immediately ignores it. i was like who was it? and he said hayden (our friend) and i asked why he didn’t answer and he was just like i'll call him back later- and i didn’t think anything of it. WELL.. i'm at home and he's at the bar watching MNF w his friends and we're texting like normal and he sent me a pic of his call log bc he was telling me he keeps getting random calls from a blocked number, weird but besides the point, anyway, i notice in the ss he doesn’t have a missed ft call from hayden in his missed call log? but there are other missed ft calls from earlier in the day, which clearly means he deleted that specific call he got when i was w him. so i asked why doesn’t it say you have a missed ft call from hayden? and he said oh i deleted it. which imo seems a little weird? why delete it at all, especially just the one from hayden and not anyone else’s? unless it wasn’t hayden. so now we’re in a fight and i’m suck to my stomach thinking something is going on. am i freaking out over nothing? should i trust my gut? i’m just putting 2 and 2 together now and wondering why he denied the call so quickly and like it makes sense to me now that it clearly was not hayden. if something is going on i would be crushed. it would be completely out of his character. i just don’t know what to think and some outside perspective would be appreciated. ily

i agree this is a super super sketch thing for someone to do and it doesn’t add up. like why would you deny a call so quick from a friend and then why delete it? first of all no one just deletes calls and second of all why would you delete a call from a friend? that deff doesn’t add up. you deff have a right to question things. if i were you i would question a shit ton and be like this just doesn’t make sense at all. do you think you could ask hayden or would hayden snitch and tell ur bf that he’s asking?

[ficsnroses]

I JUST NEED TO CHANNEL THIS TO THE WORLD

HI I JUST NEED TO TELL YA’LL WHAT HAPPEN THIS MORNING AT WORK WHILE I WAIT TO SEE A FEW FRIENDS LATER SO I CAN RAMBLE TO THEM

So I was doing a coffee tasting seminar with some customers, and as I finish, this Italian man with an accent comes up to the counter to talk (and y’all know I’m forced to talk to people at work) and so I go along with it. He gets his coffee and leaves, but comes back to get another drink 10 mins later? Anyways he asked me what I reccomend and I went through my usual preference list for him where I sorta help the customer find something they like, and at the end of my “trial and error” convo about drinks, he goes “Wow! That’s great! But you have to let me take you out for a drink tonight.” aND I WAS SO SHOOK THAT I LITERALLY FROZE AND GOT ALL AWKWARD so I was like “oh wow I’m flattered but uh omg idk” and I was lowkey uncomfortable because I’m not really looking to meet someone atm, SO I guess my co worker saw his entire interaction and knew I wanted to get out of it, so he says from where he was standing a few feet away from me making a drink “she has a boyfriend, buddy.” I do not have a boyfriend currently. And then the Italian man goes “oh right. Of course you do, sorry.” AND HE LITERALLY JUST LEFT BUT IT WAS SO AWKWARD. BUT THEEEENNNN this menz comes back again because he FORGOT HIS FUCKING WALLET ON THE COUNTER. And I awkwardly had to point it back. Anyways, moral of the story is -

I’m so socially awkward & I love my work friends to the moon and back for being able to read my mind and get me out of awkward situations when I forget how to function. If you made it to the end of this, thanks for empathizing with me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ will deff delete this later 😅

[morganapendragon]

Hi! I'm sorry to bother you but I was wondering if you've ever done an icon tutorial? Your icons are really the most beautiful I've seen, and I'd love to know your secrets 😊. But if you aren't interested in posting them I totally understand. I hope you're having a great day!!

EXTENDED ICON TUTORIAL

Hey sorry this took so long to get around to but I finally felt inspired to make this. A couple things first. I want to give a special shout out to argetnallison cuz I learned how to make icons from her tutorials here. I picked up a few tips and tricks that aren’t included in other tutorials so we’re gonna call this an extended icon tutorial. I’ve also been told I explain things well but if there’s anything from this that needs clearing up later just send me a message and i will be happy to help guide you through it. This Is my first time making a tutorial so bare with me if I ramble. 

we will be going from this:

to this

to this 

Ok so things you willneed..

photoshop (i personally use the 2014 CC version or something like that but that’s just my preference for layout and stuff)

kmplayer (kmplayer is how i get most of my screencaps. Sometimes I go to google or screencapped.net or other sites that have precapped content when i feel lazy)

Alright so we start off with figuring out which screencap to use. 

so basically here i open whatever movie/tv show episode file i want to use and skim in kmplayer till i find a scene that works. Then I hit start and play it until i have the scene i want and then stop, 

these are my capture settings for kmplayer. 

Alright so I picked this scene of Hermione in HBP (aka the hardest movie to color.

Okay disclaimer here, I don’t actually use anything on the left and rely totally on shortcuts on the keyboard so that’ll be how I explain things here. 

People do this step differently but what i tend to do is crop my image before i mask it. I hit “c” on my keyboard. I set my w x h at the top to 100 x 100. Then what i do is I take my mouse and click on the top bar of the crop box and extend it till Jyn is a more icon like size.

after she is at a size I think is ok for this icon i hit enter and it looks like this

alright now for the fun part. this is honestly the hardest part of icon making, the rest is simple if you’ve used photoshop before. Its time to mask the image and get rid of the background around Hermione. So we start by pressing “p” on our keyboard, p for pen is how i remember, and then we start at one end of her shoulder and work our way around. Basically how this works is u click around the image of her and keep clicking until u have an outline around her like I have below. this does not need to be perfect because we’re gonna have to use the eraser tool anyways.

you should have something that looks like this. Also tip here is that you can use ctrl + and ctrl - to make the image bigger or smaller when doing this part. 

ok so now we have a rough outline of hermione and we wanna create this mask so we right click within the image somewhere and we hit “create vector mask” which should be the first option (i donno what its like in other versions of ps sorry)

ur image should now look like this

be sure your starting dot and your connecting dot come together at the end or it won’t let you do this part.

Alright so here is where i add my psd and my fancy textures and things. I use argetnallison’s psd (no claiming as ur own, give her credit if you use this) and adjust it as needed because i am really bad at making my own (seriously props to everyone who makes their own psds its hard and i salute you). 

so how I do this next part is i take my psd file (this also contains my textures and stuff to make it easier and quicker to do stuff) I take the jyn file with the psd and i ctrl/alt/a toselect everything quickly like this and then drag it onto the hermione image.

i move some of my layers under the hermione image like the solid color layer and the texture pack  so she’s visible again and keep going. 

alright so another thing to note is if u click on the mask next to hermione you will get a box that has the vector mask and density and feather

you’re going to want to go to feather and where it says 0.0 make it 0.3 (some people do 2 or 1 just mess with it till it suits you).

so i have set mine to 0.3 and now its time to erase the stuff around hermione that’s still visible. i press e on my keyboard and zoom in on it a little  Here it is also really helpful to create another layer mask so that it doesn’t mess with the mask of her you already have (ps weird and it’ll get messy trust me) so i go down to the bottom right and hit add layer mask its the third one from the left

the white square between the hermione picture and the mask is where you’re gonna wanna click and then start erasing.

if you mess up along the way and erase too much you can press b on your keyboard for brush and it’ll bring it back. 

ok now its time to sharpen the image. i have an action i really like but its from a blogger who’s changed user since then and i donno her new one or i’d 100% credit. I will try and find it and add the link here. anyway I convert the hermione picture to a smart object (right click on the hermione picture and its on the left towards the middle) hit play and add the action to the image  Mine looks like this now

so for this next part i usually have green as my default layer but i wanna change the color so i’m gonna double click on the dark green box 

i’ve settled for this pink. Now if you follow my icon making at all you know I like to match my background and clothes together so that’s what i’ll show you next.

so next its time to use the eyedropper tool (which was very confusing for me initially so if you have questions don’t hesitate to ask). We start by hitting “i” on our keyboard and finding a spot in our picture that we want her to match so I’m going to click some of the lighter pink in the top left corner. 

as you can see in mine in the top right it now has that pink we just selected so now we get to add it to hermione’s jacket.I usually do it right above the psd so i make sure i have that clicked and then i make a new layer for the jacket by hitting ctrl/shift/n on my keyboard. with that layer selected, I hit ‘b’ for brush on my keyboard and set this new layer to “color” then i hit enter and begin to brush over the jacket (in my ps its the second to last one down). The default name is “normal” and its right next to opacity”) 

now my picture looks like this: (you can use the “e” to erase if you brush over her skin by accident as well)

now its time to do the same with her hair so i do ctrl/shift/n again to create another layer but this time we’re going to set it to “soft light” instead of color. 

just like with the jacket we are going to use the eyedropper tool again but we’re gonna click on a lighter part of her hair. 

you can change the opacity here if you would like but for this image i am going to keep it at 100%. 

You could honestly leave this image here and have a perfectly good icon but a lot of people have asked me how i do the circle ones like my current one so I will take this one step further. (i learned from this tutorial here in case that helps you better). 

First i’m gonna add a texture by checking one of the boxes in my texture stash (feel free to hunt on yeahps and deviantart for some seriously amazing textures that’s where i get all of mine from). 

now i’m going to do a duplicate image (so that i can use the original to edit it in different colors). to do this i go to “image” at the top (third option after “file” and “edit” and then i go down to where it says “duplicate”.

i hit ok and then i begin to make my circle icon

What i do here is i convert everything to a smart object so i hit ctrl/alt/a and right click and convert to smart object. 

then i hit ctrl/shift/n and create a new layer where we create our circle.i make sure that the circle is white by going to the top right and setting it to white. Then i hit “b” and right click on the hermione picture 

i use the selected brush and have the size at 95 px. Then I click in the middle of the image and it looks like this

now what I want to do is make sure that the white circle is centered so i’m going to hit “m” on my keyboard  Then i wanna right click and hit “free transform” in the middle. you’ll know its in the middle because there’ll be these two purple ish lines that create a plus. 

now you hit enter and you have your circle. Now what I do is hit “w” on my keyboard and click your mouse in the circle somewhere (very important to stay clicked on the circle layer here). now that you’ve selected the circle, select the pink hermione image. go to the bottom and click “create layer mask” which again is the third from the left, and you should have a circle next to the hermione picture. You should have something that looks like this

now i just click on the circle layer and delete it and it’ll look like so:

again. you could ctrl/s and save it here and leave as is but i’m a bit on the extra side so we’re gonna take it a step further and add little designs cuz it makes it look more fun. 

So what I did in the beginning is I googled a ton of different types of brushes and used search things like “heart brushes for photoshop, deviantart” or “star brushes” or whatever i wanted and i just dug around until ifound what I was looking for. its a fun scavenger hunt but you can deff check out yeahps too or itsphotoshop for resources. Then you go to “edit” and all the way down to “presets” and a drop down will show up and you click “preset manager”. you will see something like this pop up

go to the right and hit load and then click on the file you’ve extracted from winrar (if you need help with this part just message me). Ok, once you’ve loaded some brush presets into your ps you can start the next part. once again you have to create a new layer ctrl/shift/n, i then click my star brush and set it to 14 px. 

alrighty so before we start clicking and creating stars I want to make them the same color as the background so its time to bring out our “i” for eyedropper again and click somewhere on the pink, then hit “b” again and you should now have pink stars when you click. So Here i go to a transparent corner and i just create my star on the new layer. Sometimes i click it twice so that its more visible ut now i have something like this:

now I’m thinking i want it situated a different way so I use the “m” tool and use “free transform again” to adjust (using the corners like with cropping) to where i want the star to be. 

now i have it here and i use the arrows on the keyboard as well sometimes to adjust it. Now what I usually do is create another layer for the smaller stars so i hit ctrl/shift/n again and then i set this new star to 9 px by right clicking on the picture. Then I repeat the steps above and have something like this

Now i just hit ctrl/j and duplicate the little star. then i hit “m” on my keyboard once again and move it to the opposite side of the big star. 

now you have this picture:

Now what i do is i select all 3 star layers and right click and convert them to smart object so theyre easier to deal with. Then i hit ctrl/j and duplicate the stars. 

now i hit “m” on the duplicate layer and click “free transform once again” now right click and hit “rotate 180″ and the result is like this

move the rotated stars to the opposite side of the picture with the mouse. Now it should look like this

and that’s it! just hit ctrl/s and save as a .png and you have yourself an icon. I hope this helps. If i need to clarify anything please don’t hesitate to ask me. This is my first tutorial so I hope I explained things ok. Feel free to tag me in ur new icons I’d love to see them!

[puckbunnies101]

Oh she did, Jocelyns sister had it deleted last night so it was deff reactionary like she probably deleted it 30 mins later after it was posted

Yet according to her fans... it had nothing to do with it being talked about here.

[aquarianlights]

I know I've already made a roommate/fremily appreciation post today. . .but it's the end of the day and I made up at least 200 notecards and several pages of notes in the time that they were gone and I am practically burnt out, but I'm still going. I'm still trying. And I have severe insomnia so if I don't take my ambien, which I am not because I have a limited supply and need to save them for emergencies (ie; getting myself to sleep early before starting a new job or internship). So, I mean, I might as well get things done and push through while I'm up all night when it is nice an quiet in the house, which makes memorization and focus easier for me.

But anyways. . .I just. . .wanted to point out that I would not have been able to continue going on like this if it were not for Tajh, Michelle, and Jeffrey. I have had some really, really, REALLY low times lately. Just. . .dips in my moods. Nothing like the depression I have experienced my whole life and nothing like suicidal ideation or thoughts of self harm like I have always dealt with. No, this is different. It's a hollow sort of pain. An emptiness. I terrifying cavern in the middle of my chest leading to no where in particular, but simultaneously excavating my heart right out of my chest. I'm beginning to just. . .consistently feel nothing at all. I am expressing emotions outwardly so that no one who knows me irl freaks out. I am forcing smiles and laughs and cute voices and exaggerated expressions like I normally do. Wild hand gestures, etc, etc, etc. . . But none of it is real and I haven't had to force these kinds of things in a long time. I'm talking since I was on my antipsychotics. But at least back then, I had a REASON to be like that. . .since antipsychotics literally suck the life out of you and leave you with NOTHING. Nothing but a hollow cavity in your chest where your heart and lungs are supposed to be.

It almost feels like someone cut all the nerve impulses off in my body (literally every single one) and then just. . .deleted all the chemicals in my brain and left me with nothing. It's like someone is trying to kill my soul, but not my body and me in particular. Because, albeit sometimes I believe in the concept of a soul, it doesn't always make sense to me. I believe we are merely our brains and the connected stuff (nerves, maybe?) to all the spine segments. That's all we are. . .electrical impulses pulsing throughout our bodies. And it feels like my system got fried and someone pushed a hard shut down on me and hasn't turned me back on to restart yet.

Maybe whoever was controlling that broke me. Maybe they accidentally uninstalled the wrong driver and can't re-download it anymore so I'm missing an important driver. Or maybe someone took the whole motherboard out. Idk. . .

I feel numb. I feel empty. I feel stoic and stagnant and borderline catatonic. I almost feel like I'm on the edge of psychosis. However, the fact I can keep control of my fake emotions and make sure to display them at the correct times to not raise any suspicion to my lack of ability to feel anything.is a good sign regarding psychosis. Means I'm deff not in psychosis right now. But I feel oddly close to it. All the times I've been in psychosis have had this foreboding feeling like I am getting now. It's more than just foreboding.

I just. . .do not comprehend/understand why this has been going on. It's been going on for days now, maybe even a week or two. But. . .it didn't get bad or severely noticeable until yesterday. And now today it's even worse.

And I'm sure I have come off as cruel, bitchy, manipulative, annoying, bratty, and mean at the most inappropriate times when people I'm talking to did absolutely nothing wrong. I try to apologize for my words and actions when I am like this, however. . .it never seems to help any because the action is already done.

And I am. . .I will admit. . .I am mildly hallucinating. Nothing bad, but. . .I'm starting to not be able to distinguish reality from the "dream world" which is what I keep slipping into. So they're not full blown hallucinations. They're like. . .actual dreams when you're asleep. . .but only in the waking world and superimposed over reality via sight. And it's very odd.

It's like that time that I very much SWORE I heard my father knock on my door. And I had a whole conversation with him about a UPS package drop off while the door was still closed (which wasn't odd coz he didn't like to go near me if he could help it). But when I actually had the courage to walk upstairs and talk to my mother about it later, she gave me a look like I was an alien.

I keep getting sidetracked because things are happening when I close my eyes or when I focus on the superimposed image. And I don't even mean to. And it all feels so real that I am actually responding aloud to the situations I'm seeing and hearing and somewhat physically feeling.

And there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel nothing. . .yet, my heart is in my throat from these subtle af, confusing, alarming, disturbing hallucinations.

It's one thing to have schizo-induced hallucinations because if you really focus, you can TELL they are not real with reality checks. These kind of hallucinations are legitimately so real and exactly like real life that it's impossible to tell what is real and what is not. These kinds of hallucinations I see actual events that would or have happened realistically wherever I am. I close my eyes and suddenly I'm in the room I am currently in. ..and one of my roommates will come in and start talking to me like we do. And we will have a conversation that we would DEFINITELY have in real life. . .with all the hand movements and everything. So when I open my eyes, I automatically finish the conversation ALOUD irl without even meaning to and then I look around only to notice I'm completely alone.

And it is scary as all hell. This used to happen a lot growing up and when my schizo-affective disorder first manifested and then calmed down later. I haven't had one of these hyper-realistic hallucinations in a very long time. And it keeps happening every time my eyes close due to being exhausted. Sometimes I even end up typing things that are happening in my hallucination because I thought I had spoken about it or typed something relative to the conversation in my hallucination and then I look at what I'm typing and suddenly realize it doesn't fit ANYWHERE in the paragraph or post.

I'm...alone. And scared. But at the same time. . .I can't feel the loneliness or feel scared. I know I AM lonely and scared. But. . .I can't FEEL them. If that makes sense?

But I just wanted to give a shout out to the absolute best roommates in the ENTIRE fucking world. You guys are amazing and I love you all so much. The words of encouragement and the little things you do like buy me coffee or turn on the light for me or bring me something that is out of reach while doing schoolwork so I don't have to get up and spill notecards everywhere. . .comforting me with little pep talks and a pat on the head/petting, a squeeze on the shoulder, something affirming that I'm not alone and that I CAn do this. . .It's all those little things that are really making me happy. Because it shows you're all paying attention to what I need/want and I could not even feel any more love than I feel right now.

Jeff, Tajh, and Chelle will be my fremily for life. Even if moving here when we get a newer, bigger house doesn't work out for some reason, all three of you will always hold a special place in my heart. And I will never, ever, EVER forget about the little things that have been done.

Thank you. I love you guys to death. and I'm sorry I had to make a second post of appreciation for all three of you, but I wanted to get it out there and remind you all how much I love you.

[vitalinae]

So I get twitter notifications when T or Kerry post. The post on his wall now wasn't his first tweet. He tweeted about the event and it was almost identical to Kerry's post is minus proudwifey tag. He deleted his post a minute later, retweeted about the event in diff words and then she tweeted 10 minutes later. I'd normally take a pic but his original tweet got deleted in 1 min lol. They were def together when that bs was happening.

Yeah, they are deff working this whole fake promotion shit together 

[notyobabygirl]

What did you do to get over your toxic ex, how did you go about it. I am finding it so difficult but I know it’s the best thing to do? Did you guys ever work past it and eventually become friends or is it best to leave forever. Do these kinds of people change? I love you and thank you so much for all the help I can never truly show you how much it means and your account has helped. Thank you so much ❤️

I just had to give myself a reality check and understand everything he would do to me isn't okay. I would list out all the cons he had, I would think about everything bad he has said and done to me, I deleted his number and blocked him on everything, I put all of his stuff away, I never ever stalked him, I just kinda moved on because I knew I deserved better. you need to know your self worth. and you need to know people will only change if they want to, actions speak louder than words and he can say all he wants that he's going to change but its actually changing that's the hard part. you can beg him all you want but you can't actually make him change (unfortunately lol). and if he doesn't change then that kinda goes to show how he feels about you and the relationship you guys have. It hurts a lot I know, but then you just tell yourself well if this boy won't change for me and be a better person then I will find someone who will. becoming friends later on or leaving forever is up to you, I think becoming friends with an ex is hard and if you do then you deff need to give it time before you start talking to them as friends. time to put yourself first instead of him! and thank you so much that is a very sweet thing to say <3