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dzpenumbra · 1 year

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2/23/23

To quote me 30 seconds ago, "oh fuck, I knew I was forgetting something..."

Hi. I got some shit done today. Not a ton, but for me, a decent amount. It's a tough part of battling a lot of mental health shit at once - PTSD, social anxiety, depression, maybe other shit too, who knows anymore - is like... a successful day for me, a day of huge accomplishment, especially at a time of grief, looks like a normal day in the lives of many others. I wish I didn't compare so much. I would be much happier if I just used my own life as a metric, not the loud college kids who just galumphed down the hallway at 2:15 in the morning, or the kid at the grocery store who just tossed shit in his cart carelessly that made a sound so loud I could hear it through my very loud headphones.

Today, I did yoga. It was like 15 minutes, but again focused on neck and back. Talked to my mom briefly and coordinated car stuff, which worked very well and was very respectful on all sides. I did dishes. I quickly showered, did food inventory and then headed out to the grocery store. I was feeling a bit... hesitant to even get out the door. Like there was a 1 foot tall wall of fire on the other side I would have to hop over to head out. So... like... not that bad. No specific thoughts about why I didn't want to go, just a reflex, a vague instinct. Then I headed out and did groceries.

I actually did this thing I used to do back in my old hometown where I had the entire layout of the grocery store basically committed to memory, so I would actually like... speedrun route my grocery list... Yeah, for real. I gamified my grocery runs. And it worked really well. And I just... threw shit in order from right to left so I could do the run smoothly, because I had my therapy appointment today too and I didn't want to be late.

Everything went according to plan... until I was thrown a curveball in the dairy aisle. And it shook me. I smelled tooth rot. Decay. Maybe not tooth, maybe the rot of a piece of meat stuck in someone's tooth that didn't get flossed or brushed out? And it was powerful. And my anxious brain, my protective brain, immediately did what it has been doing since I was a teen, probably even preteen, maybe even my entire life. It said "that's you". And I started like... swirling saliva around in my mouth to bring scents out, i tried breathing into my hand. But it didn't like... consume me, overwhelm me... which was good. It was still powerful and it stuck with me. And I looked around and saw a person... I hate to say this but... kinda androgynous? And kinda didn't really seem to have a lot of teeth? And kinda didn't look like they had a lot of money? And I didn't like being judgmental about it, but they fit the trope, to the point where I didn't really know why they were in the grocery store. I still don't feel... good about that. It feels... unfairly presumptive. There were other people milling around, but I kinda just... assumed it was either them or me.

I moved on. I, ironically, looked for ice cream. Yep. Don't worry, definitely gonna brush my teeth tonight. OH. Yeah, I should mention. I had periods of horrible dental hygiene in my life, and I never really ever at any point in my life had... proper teaching? Or proper habit development? Neither of my brothers either. So... I brush my teeth once a day, and there were a few years in there where it wasn't even every day. And I smoked for 18 years. Never really flossed or did mouthwash. And no one ever talked to me about it, not even the rare girlfriends. And I only recently got these floss with handle things, which make flossing much easier and more convenient. But the habit is still not really there, my gums bleed like crazy every time and sometimes the floss gets stuck and it feels like I'm going to pull out my crowns, which is really scary feeling. But that's kinda... how I know what that smell is. Because I've smelled it before. Just... not that powerful, even with the floss right under my nose.

I went on my final pass of the store, went "oh, I should check for ramen bowls, just for like... emergency 'meals'". And there was that androgynous person looking at the ramen. And I just... pretended to look at Chef Boyardee and shit until they left. And then grabbed my ramen and left.

Then I did a lap over by the flower shop section to look for succulents, it's kinda part of my closing routine there now. They never seem to have them... And when I finally got in line, guess who? The androgynous person again, right there in line in front of me at the self-checkouts. I smiled at them and just brought my attention back to my music. Headphones make the shopping experience so much easier for me. I can be in my own little world. Until some Boomer comes up and asks the one person with headphones in (me) whether they're last in line. Luckily, I can read lips decently, I nodded and smiled, he moved behind me. He said "I guess I am now", and chuckled. And I was like "bro, I have headphones in," but not really, just in my head, but I was just not really in the mood for conversation at the checkout line for some reason, just wasn't really feeling it. And... then it happened. I smelled it again, the tooth smell. It came from behind me. It was him the whole time. He must've passed me in the dairy aisle.

And the whole time, I either thought it was me and my horrible self-care, or I was judging this other person. And I noticed that judgment and I corrected myself, that was like... the intention of my smiling. It was like... "hey man, people judge you too, be kind, you don't know someone else's story." And it was a genuine smile, saying "hi human, hope your shopping experience wasn't as awkward as mine." And the whole time, it was the dude behind me. And I just immediately connected the dots and went "I need to fall into my music right now, because I am not going to be the person to break the news to this dude that he's got pretty big-time halitosis going on right now." Though, at its core, that would be a very kind and compassionate thing to do, very thoughtful, and if someone did it for me, it would make me super self-conscious but I would be deeply grateful. But my abuse victim self came out there. And he said "bro, if you 'criticize'... if you 'complain'... that's a crime to some people. That's an attack. Doing that is dangerous."

My inner voices are getting a lot of quotes tonight, damn!

So yeah, as much as the self conscious experience of that smell (which is clearly a big source of anxiety/self-conscious triggering for me, smell) was really shitty and difficult... it wasn't the worst part. It had me on edge, but I recovered shockingly quickly. What sent me into oh-fuck-mode? Friendly confrontation. Being the bearer of bad news. Being thoughtful about something that might get me... attacked. Being the messenger that gets kicked down the fuckin well in the movie 300. That image is pretty spot-on. To bring something that is known to set off peoples' defense systems to their attention, and then have all of their defense guns that are supposed to be pointed at the focal point of their self-consciousness... the threat itself... instead they point at me. The person who took a huge risk in order to help them. And I get turned to swiss fuckin cheese, without even a warning shot.

THAT is my family. My mom. My older brother. My younger brother. And, most of all, my dad. Though, to be fair. My dad, when he gets set off, just does childish low blows to try to hurt you more emotionally, and then just unceremoniously leaves. My younger brother learned this from him, unfortunately. My mom does this too sometimes, but it's rare, she is more... angry. And I relate to her, I'm more like her, which is why I devoted so much of my life to anger management, from a very very young age. Like starting at 13ish. It was a very wise investment. My older brother, I can't really tell, it seems like he avoids conflict at all costs and internalizes, which is not healthy at all of course, but... clearly healthier given the context... But yeah, my family is like a minefield. And I guess I used to be that too. And I think in some ways I still am? I really do think that, and I want to be fair to them and honest with myself, so I can really identify those moments and work on that. But like... that's definitely trauma. All of it, for all of us. Being completely on edge at all times and then someone drops a pin and the whole room is jump-scared. I just think I'm the only one in the family who has deliberately worked on this, intentionally, for what it is, and has worked on it for... going on half a decade now. And I think it shows. If only they could see the value in that, in what I have learned, I might even be able to help teach them. <shrug> I guess we all do our own work, yeah? And the best you can do is be there when/if they ever decide they're ready to try.

So yeah... the self conscious social anxiety insecurity? The "omg my breath, people are going to judge me" shit. That used to be fear #1. That was the source of my first phase of agoraphobia, my freshman year of college when I just locked myself in my dorm room and didn't come out. I was afraid something was wrong with my body and I smelled and people weren't telling me and laughing at me behind my back. I wish I talked to a counselor about it, honestly, but... I didn't trust anyone back then. Rightfully so, I was surrounded by really manipulative, impulsive, self-centered people all the time, who was there to trust? And holy shit have I come a long way in the... oh god... almost 20 years since then... ouch. Time flies, huh. That fear, which would have sent me into like... tunnel-vision, walls closing in, high-contrast vision, low-pass filter, "I need to get the fuck out of here now" weed-freakout level panic attacks... until way into my 20's... that shit was like... a 20 second "oh I should check my breath... naw, I don't think it's me... hmm..." Talk about progress, holy shit.

But the big bad wolf absolutely bared his teeth. And showed me where my fear truly lies. How my fear has evolved. Because judgement is scary, yes. It hurts, it's unfair. It feels bad. It feels like... you don't have control. Like someone else is deciding your story or something, right? "Ew, he has bad teeth, he must take really shitty care of himself, he must be a complete asshole." Or something, i don't know, anxiety doesn't often... explain itself so literally... it likes to kinda let your imagination fill in the worst case scenarios vaguely and just pat you on the back and assure you that something worse will happen. But this... this fear that my fear has evolved into... it goes beyond judgment. And I've talked about this before pretty recently, I think, I'll retell the story again for anyone who doesn't feel like digging back through chapters and chapters of my life. And for myself, because I think this was one of the biggest revelations I had in therapy, and my therapist at the time... just kinda missed it entirely and I don't think he even really understood what I was saying...

I was hiking at a spot that I used to go to in high school, it's a hike up the side of a mountain and there's a really tall thin waterfall at the top of it. It gets pretty steep at parts. I had my dog with me, leash tied to my belt as usual. It was early spring, this area was all mud and rocks and occasional snow patches. We made it pretty high up, but we weren't going to make the waterfall. We were crossing a flooded part of the trail, I can see it so vividly in my mind's eye, like the weird brown-maroon color of the mud on the rocks under the freezing cold water. My pup plodding ahead through the water like it's nothing, drinking as she goes. And I remember being in the lead, telling him that I was not so much afraid of the judgment. I was afraid of what people do with it. The things people do when they act on judgement. Oh for fuck's sake, does judgement have an "e" after the "g" or not?! Come on, spellcheck, what the fuck. Is that an Anglicism thing? Whatever, I'm doing it with an "e" now.

I remember struggling to find the word for it. I remember asking him and trying to brainstorm, and I stumbled on... "Justice". What people perceive as justice. Like "I'm going to give this person what they deserve". So... more like vigilantism, or something. I still don't have the right term, I guess retribution? I don't know. When people make snap judgements, then get outraged, then take action. That. Retaliation? Punishment? I guess? Punishment seems most... accurate, I guess.

And... and this sticks with me... my therapist just... didn't get it at all. It did not click with him. I feel like he kinda... dismissed it? Pushed it away, maybe? And maybe I just hit a personal experience reflex defense from him? Maybe I hit him too close to home and he wasn't really there yet and he just.. deflected. I don't really have another good reason. I've had it happen in the past, I know it's a thing. Like... in an ideal world... it shouldn't happen in a professional setting, but... we're all humans. I get it. But that moment is so fucking visceral for me. And I didn't need his validation or discussion really, the connection was already made. That was very clearly my Achilles' Heel, and has been for a long time. Being brought to "justice" for something I didn't do. Being falsely incriminated, due to... superficial judgement. Because I'm different, because I'm weird, because I'm sensitive, because I'm creative, because I'm poor, because I'm rich, because I'm white, because I'm male, because I'm healthy, because I'm sick, because I'm traumatized, because I'm not traumatized enough, because I don't accomplish enough, because I picked the "wrong career", because I'm privileged. Any reason, really.

It's not the witch hunt that scares me, it's what they do to the witches. Otherwise, I'd fucking tattoo witch on my own goddamn forehead, flanked by dual middle fingers.

I haven't shared this. Let me share this. I was gonna say my first tattoo... but that's not true. My second tattoo. My first tattoo was just some... design I came up with that's my initials in the shape of a human figure, that has a yin-yang for a head and the arms turn into Libra scales, and the bottom turns into roots (it was supposed to be veins fading into my arm, but the artist was shit and I was very young and trusting). My second tattoo... that was a three-session piece that I ended up designing the second and third stages of. The first stage was, interestingly enough, done in Salem, Massachusetts. I got a crow. The rest of the design that I drew myself was two other crows perched on nearby branches, one all flesh, one all bone. These tattoos were done by the artist that was supposed to apprentice me and didn't. She didn't do the best job. But they're sentimental, not art gallery pieces, so who fucking cares. Here's the story.

I was in a freakout in college, that first semester. I don't even remember the context. I just remember being super panicked and going for a walk at dawn to clear my head. My college was on the top of a mountain in the middle of nowhere, so I was walking down a dirt road away from campus by myself at the ass-crack of dawn. And I remember this vivid feeling that I was trying to translate into words in my head. It was so garbled and overwhelming. It felt like what I imagine channeling spirits that spoke another language would feel like. And I came to this finality of... the best I could translate this like profound feeling was... "if they find out what you are, they're gonna lock you up". Whoever "they" is, whatever "what" is. And again, this whole message/thought/insight was much more... conceptual, much more thought-imagery based. So "lock you up" was like... an analog of "do something bad to you" or "stop you" or, I guess, "punish you". And it brought back this feeling of like... going to the Holocaust Museum... the feeling of like... echoes of persecution. And a deep, deep self-protective fear. Like that kind of fear. Like being actively hunted, and having to hide. And it's so odd to me even now, because at that time? At that time... I don't even know what about me I was hiding. And honestly... I still don't!

Maybe that was the culminating point where my subconscious mind couldn't take the thousands of suppressed "maybe they're laughing at me?" "naw, no way." And that confidence started to fade, and I started to question it, and go... "maybe they actually were?" Maybe it was growing more paranoid, maybe it was growing more perspective. I still can't really piece it together exactly, but it was absolutely a first time thing for me and it was... dreamlike. And I remember that I was very, very sober. And the sun was like a reddish orange coming up through the trees, lighting up the cold green-blue dawn sky. And three crows flew overhead in a triangle formation. And I looked up. And I came back to Now. --- I just accidentally hit ctrl+n instead of shift+n... and finished writing "Now" and autocorrect filled in "Owls". That's pretty cool. Right when I'm talking about crows. Because owls and I have a similar but very different kind of relationship. I have a lot of bird connections, damn.... hawks, crows, owls... --- But yeah, seeing the crows and hearing them just like... brought me back to the present moment. And it was really beautiful out, and peaceful, and I remember it being a nice, peaceful moment, and I think I remember smiling. And it stuck with me. It felt important. And I think I understand much more about that importance now than before.

It's not just about this message that I was obsessed with for like... 18 years. This "If they find out what you are, they're gonna lock you up" thing. This like... Anne Frank kinda feeling. That's important. And it's something pivotal to a lot of my life that is really tough for me to articulate to others, and clearly still lingers today. But what I just noticed about it was... how nature just pulled me right out of it. How in the stillness of nature, I was just part of the environment. I belonged there. I belonged in that scene. The sun greets me. The crows say hi. I stop and greet them back. And drink it all in. And it just... is. And it's beautiful. And moments like that, where everything just... is. And it's all how it's supposed to be. They're very sacred. So, maybe I should really remember that half of that experience as well, really celebrate that. Not just the insight, which was life-changing. But also the dichotomy between this chaotic, layered, billions of moving puzzle pieces, 3D chess game of the human world, and the honest, simple, organic existence of the natural world. And to remember that I can return to that stillness, that just... being. Any time I need to. It's always there. The peace, the beauty. And I find it much more often than most. And people think I'm a weirdo for it. Squatting in rivers looking for pretty stones. Looking in awe at the handcrafted masonry in old churches. Listening to an album for the first time with my eyes closed, swaying to the sound as it moves me.

And I really hope that I can cultivate a sense of confidence, and safety. Safety. Let's really not understate the importance of that feeling for someone with lifelong PTSD. Because the confidence will absolutely come naturally after that, duh, right? A safe hunter feels confident. A safe weaver feels confident. A safe banker feels confident. Does a threatened one?! XD So... I really hope I can cultivate a sense of consistent safety so that I can truly just... be myself. Without having to worry about punishment. Without having to worry about persecution. Without having to worry about "retaliation". Without having to worry about being "locked up" (contained, prevented, restrained) for being myself. For being what I naturally am, who I naturally am.

Yo, check this out, I'm actually gonna connect the dots here! HAHA! When I have that sense of safety, of security, that I need... I truly believe that I will be able to reach up and pause my music in my earbuds... turn around... look that white-haired man in the eyes with a warm and compassionate gaze that I try so hard to keep present as much as I can... and say, "hey man, this is really awkward and I really don't want you to feel self conscious, but I think you got something stuck in your teeth or you have a cavity or something? I've gotten it before too, and sometimes you don't notice because like... you're always around the smell, you know? Like I was a smoker, and I never smelled that I smelled like cigarettes all the time, you know? So like... just wanted to let you know that your breath kinda has that smell to it, out of kindness, because like... I don't know if anyone told you, and if I was in your shoes, I would want someone to tell me."

Someday I'll get there. I've been there a few times, just... not consistently. And I really feel like... that's the kind of person I want to be. That's what the real me inside wants to be in that situation every time, but I'm always so afraid. That's a hell of a goal, huh? Some people want to be billionaires, some want to own a Lamborghini and drive it 35mph in residential zones, some people want to intentionally fail at procreating as many times as they possibly can, some people want to be idolized for the fabricated image they display to the public. And I want to just be confidently, honestly compassionate with a complete stranger - at "risk" to myself - and not feel fear. And not cower and run and hide myself from it. I just want to make a memorable, positive impact on people. And as little negative impact as I can. That's all.

Good lord, I just went to the grocery store and this came out. Welcome to my brain. I have to live with this every day.

I got Chinese takeout. It was good, as usual. I worked on one of the stones that my mom mailed me. I think it might have silver in it. I'm pretty excited about it, it's definitely metal, definitely tiny little veins. I spent... close to 3 hours on that. Let me put it this way. I ate dinner, I started working on it, the streams I was watching were pissing me off because literally every goddamn stream is running bundles of like 6-8 ads now... and they're doing these pop-up ads that just throw a fucking ad right there under the stream. In bright white on top of the black background, burning your damn retinas. I remember when coming across ads like these meant you were stumbling into a questionable part of the internet, now it's like... it's fucking everywhere. This is so embarrassing, people. Give these fucking assholes an inch and they'll take everything. See? See how upset it makes me?! XD No wonder I left. I fucking left. I went back over to YouTube, where I finally caved and got a Premium account and it's the most peace I've had in ages. But I wanted to watch something long-form. So I put on Batman Begins. I didn't remember the plot, I didn't really pay much attention to it at the time. Or the last one in the trilogy. I remember Dark Knight, I saw that a bunch of times, but the other two, not so much. So... I did like an hour of sanding before Batman Begins... and about 15 minutes of finishing up the polishing after. That's how much non-stop sanding I did on this stone that's like... less than an inch long. And it looks fucking gorgeous. I can't wait to see it in the sunlight tomorrow!

So yeah, that was basically my day. And as I said in the beginning... it doesn't feel like... a full day. I did like 3 things. Groceries, dishes, polish stone. Oh, and therapy, and that did go well too. But for me? It was a big day. A really good day I should be proud of. So... I'm going to be happy about that.

I miss being comfortable embracing being different. Maybe it's because people just... thought I'd grow out of it? Or be pressured by society to conform? Like... "oh, he'll quit eventually, he'll come to his senses eventually." I mean, he's in his mid 30's... how much longer can he keep this up? Or maybe I just think people think that.

At the end of the day... I just want to live a life where I look at my day and go "I'm happy with that." "I did good." And I think today fits that bill. So I'm going to give myself permission to smile and stop beating myself up. :D

Goodnight, and if you read all of this, I hope you have a pleasant tomorrow!

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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burned-gucci · 4 years

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(Your) Friendship Reaction: Friday Night With The Girls!

A fairly casual Friday night sleepover with your best friend(s)

Karina:

She had asked you to come over tonight to play games, eat, drink, sleep. Maybe some scary movies. However, the plan seemingly changed when showed up to her place and found her in the bathroom bleaching her hair with a box of burgundy hair dye on the sink in front of her.

Karina definitely isn't shy about dying her hair, she changes hair colors like one would change out a load of laundry. It feels like every time you see you she has a new hair color, so this really isn't new. It's also not new for her to switch plans last minute cause truth be told, she never knows what she wants to do until that moment hits and an idea springs into her mind.

As she continued bleeching her hair, you hoped up on the sink counter and watched her while you talked. She said you could use her nail polish, mess with her makeup, do whatever you wanted. Play whatever music you wanted. If you liked, she even offered to dye your hair as well since she has plenty. It was up to you!

You guys ended up talking about a number of things. Discussing the latest episode of your favorite tv series and guessing what would happen next using logic from what has happened thus far. She laughed at random jokes and lines you repeated from the show, knowing exactly what scene you were refering to as she commented back with the next line. Afterwards y'all talked music videos, celebrities you both like and dislike maybe. Filled each other in on the news (celebrity or politics). Once the bleach was in and her hair was held up in a plastic bag, she went to grab her keys so you could both go grab some food, she let you choose the place.

It was always kinda weird how shameless she is but at the same time, her confidence about it is inspiring and one of her best qualities. Anywho, hoping in her broken apart damaged black car that no-one knows how it's still running, Karina drove you guys to the restraunt and put in your order picking up the food and driving back JUST in time for her to wash out her hair.

You ate as she washed her hair and attempted to eat little bites of her food as she applied the hair coloring, not wanting to waste time in between. As you low-key called her gross and made jokes you still helped her eat while feeding her little bites of food, teasing her sometimes and making her chase the fork/spoon/iteam. Overall, the eating process was full of laughing and her threatening to dump the hair dye on you just for you to threaten dipping her food in the hair color changing soup in return.

As her hair dye had to sit in for 45 minutes, the two of you watched music videos and played kids monopoly, or jenga. As they're the only games she currently owns! Karina being the not-so-well-focused girl that she is, ended up losing for silly reasons. In jenga she lost because she didn't realise 2/3 of the blocks in the middle row had already been pulled out, since she was eyes glued on the video, and she ended up pulling the last block and knocking the whole tower over in the process. During monopoly she simply had bad luck of sitting in jail throughout half of the game, allowing you to buy the majority of the properties. The other half the game she was paying you and the bank causing her to go bankrupt with only one or two properties being owned by her.

After the game you end up helping her wash out and dry her hair upon her endless begging you to just for her in the end to decide she isn't sure how she feels about this color. After spending about 4 hours total on her hair, she kinda wishes it was still black but she decides to leave it anyways. Insisting she'll clean up the bathroom mess tomorrow (she won't) she pulls you back to the living room and puts on your favorite movie for you guys to watch in the backround while sharing random stories back and forth.

Ciara:

Ciara isn't entirely sure why she invited you over at night knowing well enough she isn't a night time person. She's usually asleep before 11pm. However, she's really missed hanging out with you lately and your presence alone gives her so much energy and makes her happy.

When you arrived, she was eating a bowl of cheerios and drinking some gatorade while scrolling through instagram looking at denim skirts. The first thing she said to you as you walked inside the house was 'what do you think of this?' As she held her phone up to show you a light blue denim knee length skirt with a yellow sunshine on the bottom right side. You gave your opinion on it as you sat across from her at the table. "You're welcome to the kitchen. I don't care what you eat as long as I don't have to make it." She pointed towards the kitchen as she continued to scroll. Almost dropping the phone in her bowl of milk, as you made your choice on what to do, Ciara ended up slapping the phone back at herself and hitting herself in the face with it. Laughing and half crying, she placed the phone on the table and held her nose. "Maybe I should put that down for now!" She stated fairly loudly before getting back to her food.

After eating and placing the dishes in the sink for her to wash later, Ciara headed to her room with you close behind. Forgetting she had washed her sheets earlier, Ciara had to now make her bed. She asked you for help putting the bottom sheet on, let you choose your own blanket from the closet, she made the rest of the bed half efforted. Wrinkles covered the sheets and the pillows were simply thrown at the top of the bed but she didn't care much since you guys were both going to be laying in it immediately anyways!

Crawling into bed to lay on the side closest to the window, Ciara situated herself before tapping the bed beside her for you to lay down. Knowing you well enough, she handed you a book you love/turned the tv onto your favorite channel and let you do your own things as she scrolled through instagram once again occasionally asking for your opinion on certain clothing iteams.

If you have any to share, she listened to you share your thoughts, about whatever was on your mind. She gave her advice and shared her honest opinions in return. If you just wanted to lay there and watch your show/read your book she was fine with that too. She just wanted to be with you and hang together. Not necessarily do something together, that's what tomorrow is for!

At some point, your unsure of when, she managed to fall asleep facing the wall using her arm as a pillow, her actual pillow tossed to the foot of the bed. She was curled up halfway in a ball half stretched out, taking up half the bed space. She looked peaceful, almost dead she was so still and quiet, but peaceful.

Monse:

She had everything planned out! Dinner: Taco Bar! She made different kinds of main fillings based on your tastes and hers. Included little things she knows you love and she set the table up in a very aesthetic and neat way. Drinks: at the store she made sure to buy a few of your favorite drinks as well as a case of water. She also made homemade punch using sherbet ice cream and 7up/Sprite. Outfits: She had your guys matching Marvel/DC robes ans pj sets pulled out and on her bed. Hers was a Nebula/Poison ivy (depending on which one you prefer) set while yours was Gamora/Harley Quinn (dending).

Once you got there, you guys would eat then change. As you ate, she asked all about your day, let you rant and get everything off your cheat if need be. She told you what you wanted to hear and what you needed to hear as you guys discissed several topics. After eating she let you use the bedroom/bathroom to get ready first while she cleaned up the mess before going to change her own clothes and get ready for bed.

Afterwards, she set up the table with posterboard, construction paper, assorted art supplies, ect because tonight you guys will be making your own board game! Whether it be a toally made up game based on shared thoughts between you two or a remake of an already owned and made game. EX.: Marvel/DC based monopoly. Twister using memes. Your own version of battle ship or LIFE. Whatever it may be!

As you both divided up the jobs of who does what parts and as you agreed upon one main idea for the game/gave ideas for the game, Monse played your guys 'Alien Dreamz' playlist AKA the music playlist you guys made last time you spent the night. The whole time y'all were making the game she kept making really bad puns. As she was measuring the cardboard she came up with 'whos the King of school supplies? The RULER!' Before laughing at her own joke. She asked: 'Whats a frogs favorite art supply? Ribbon-t, Ribbon-t' and actually sounding like a frog as she cut ribbon for decoration. The list is endless honestly.

While working on your guys project, between her bad jokes, she complimented you on random things that she genuinely adores about you. Like how pretty/handsom/cute you look when you're focused. Or how she loves the way your hands look as you use a pair of scissors. How soft your eyelashes look. How much she loves your laugh/singing voice. Ect. If you compliment her back, she'll blush and giggle feeling shy but so happy under the surface.

Eventually, she gets really tired and asks if your ready to go to bed saying y'all can finish the game in the morning. You end up laying on the bed she made on the floor out of twelve dozens blankets and pillows, stuffed animals and sheets. While you lay together you share a bowl of popcorn/snack of your choice while watching the Simpsons or any tv show you want if you don't like the Simpsons. She tries so hard to wait for you to fall asleep first so you won't feel lonely but she was so tired she ended up falling asleep a few minutes before you do.

Question of the Day:

Can you/do you stay up late or fall asleep at a decent/early hour?

My Answer:

Depends on the day! Some nights I'm asleep at 7pm some times I can stay up for 80+ hours. It just depends!

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nadziejastar · 5 years

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Sometimes I think about how if the boys were caught sneaking into the castle multiple times they probably trusted the guards on some level, at least to the extent of "If we get caught the consequence be getting thrown out." They probably didn't think the apprentices would seriously hurt them until it was actually happening.

Radiant Garden—full of light.

Dilan, the imposing guard, picked up a pair of suspicious young intruders and ejected them from the gate.

“Ow! Cut it out!” shouted Lea, the one with red hair.

“You should be grateful I only tossed you out,” Dilan stated, at which Aeleus nodded silently behind him.

“—Let’s go, Lea,” the blue-haired boy, Isa, said quietly. He stood up and brushed the dust from his pants.

“What is with those guys?”

Oh, definitely. I don’t think they ever suspected in a million years that the guards or apprentices would hurt them. Lea did’t even think they had the right to be so rough while throwing them out. He’s very indignant about the way he’s being manhandled, lol.

“I don’t want any more trouble,” Isa urged.

Lea also climbed to his feet, albeit with some resignation.

“There’ll always be another chance,” Isa reminded him softly as they walked away. Lea followed after.

“We were so close,” he complained as they reached the residential area.

Isa didn’t look that upset, though. He looked mildly annoyed at most. “Eh, I’ll just get in next time.” He even said they had as many chances as they needed. It’s clear they were both very sheltered and innocent. Those boys had a secure belief that the world they lived in was a safe place and they could get into as much trouble as they wanted without fear.

So not only the members up to number VI were living in Radiant Garden, but Lea and Isa as well?

Nomura: Yes that’s right. But at this time they were just two innocent boys who liked to play with a frisbee.

This innocence was an important part of what made their story so compelling to me. Lea used to be perfectly innocent. And Isa, too. If even someone as innocent as Isa could change and develop a personality similar to Xehanort, then everything Lea used to believe in was wrong. When Isa changed, Lea’s entire worldview was shattered. He couldn’t believe in anything anymore. Lea’s memories of Isa represent innocence and happiness. It’s why he can’t bear to lose them.

My efforts these many years have come to fruition, with the world I govern having become a paradise worthy of being called “Radiant Garden.“ Nurtured by the pure water that is the source of life, fragrant flowers bloom in abundance, and the people face each day with hopeful smiles.

Radiant Garden was totally peaceful. It was a garden paradise that was called the city of light. I don’t like how KH3 made it so that they knew about all the dangerous human experiments going on beforehand. I find that unrealistic.I doubt they ever would have believed that anything bad was happening in the wise Ansem’s castle. He was seen as a sage. Everyone loved and respected him. There’s no way anyone was being hurt in there.

The castle was a wonderland to us children. Within its walls, Ansem the Wise conducted his research, and the fruits it bore allowed everyone outside to live in peace and happiness.

Saïx actually called the castle a wonderland. I do wonder if this was intentionally phrased.

“The whole thing is a dream, but that I don’t want revealed till the end.”

—Lewis Carroll

Alice in Wonderland all took place in a dream world.

Cheshire Cat: Why, yes. Once you believe, the truth and a lie are quite the same thing. Let your heart decide–it’s in your heart you must confide.

Roxas: Easy for him to say… How am I supposed to do that when I don’t have a heart? I have no idea what to believe in.

All of the terrifying things she experienced there vanished as soon as she woke up.

Much of my life has been dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge.That knowledge has guarded this world well. Not a soul doubts that. I am blessed with people’s smiles and respect. But though I am called a sage, there are things I do not understand.

When you see Lea in BBS, he actually looked at the castle like it was a magical place. Like he expected all of his dreams to come true in there. It was his Castle of Dreams. I wish we learned why they wanted to sneak in so badly.

A dream is a wish your heart makesWhen you’re fast asleepIn dreams you will lose your heartachesWhatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and somedayYour rainbow will come smiling throughNo matter how your heart is grievingIf you keep on believingThe dream that you wish will come true

Yeah, I can’t help but think they MUST have done all of this castle stuff on purpose. Ven’s dream was to become a Keyblade master. He remembers how Terra gave him the wooden toy when Jaq asks him. Lea just happens to meet Ventus while picking it up, on their way to sneak in the castle. Roxas helps Axel believe in Neverland, where Ven said he didn’t need it anymore, since his best memories were still ahead.

Xion: Roxas, don’t be sad. I came from you and Sora. I am you…the same way that I am Sora. You’ll forget me, but the memories themselves will never go away. Memories of you and me will always be together…forever, inside him.

Roxas and Xion constantly had dreams of Sora and Kairi while living in The Castle That Never Was. The final day is called ~Believe~. Roxas wants to defeat Xemnas to fulfill Xion’s last request. He wants his old life back. He fights Riku outside of the castle. Xion disappears, but promises that the memories of them will always be together forever.

Lea: I want everybody I meet to remember me. Inside people’s memories, I can live forever.

Isa: I know I won’t forget you. Believe me, I try all the time.

Lea: See, I’m immortal!

Lea and Isa’s conversation outside the castle sounded awfully similar.

Axel: As long as we remember each other, we’ll never be apart. Got it memorized?

Lea had a dream of Roxas telling him that he would always bring them back. He awakens in the castle where he lost his heart—where his dreams were shattered. But he says he’ll bring Braig and Isa back. Then he goes to Disney Castle. Personally, I think Saïx’s banana-shaped joke weapon is a reference to the ice cream flavor Ventus gets if he wins the Million Dreams Award. Maybe all of it was supposed to be connected.

#kh meta #kingdom hearts #kh theories #kh lea #kh isa #leaisa #isalea #kh roxas #kh xion

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lalainajanes · 7 years

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rival competitive chorus conductor au + "last year i made a bet with you that my students would beat yours in the rankings this year i didn't think you'd actually REMEMBER fuck you won" 😇

Okay, so sadly there is minimal smut here. I WAS TRYING TO KEEP IN MINI. I will do better with the others!

Good Old Fashioned Rivalry

Her phone buzzes on her coffee table and Caroline glares atit resentfully. She’s got a pretty good idea who’s texting her. She’d turneddown Kat’s offer to go out and drown her post-loss sorrows and Bon’s out oftown. Few of her other acquaintances would reach out this time on a Fridayevening.

Ugh, couldn’t he have at least waited a day?Let her lick her wounds in peace? She’d been so sure her programme was awinner, had drilled the kids mercilessly for weeks. It had paid off and they’re performance had been nearly flawless, andso pleased with themselves. To lose by a measly tenth of a point had beenheartbreaking and Caroline was already planning to bring ‘Cheer up, you’reawesome’ cupcakes on Monday and let them go wild at rehearsal, high on sugarand songs from Disney scores.

They deserved a break though apparently she didn’t merit one.

Why had shemade that stupid bet? And why couldn’t the drinks they’d shared afterwards haveworked their magic and made him forget it? If only they’d had a few more.Caroline certainly wished she could forget those minutes she’d spent on his lapin the back of that cab they’d shared. Remembering had proven to be a curseover the last few months.

She’d replayed it in her mind way too often.She told herself she wasn’t disappointed that things had ended prematurely thatnight, before things could get all that interesting or irrevocable. Klaus’ handshad lingered on her thighs, just brushing her panties instead of slippingunderneath, a frustrating tease that had had her panting into his mouth. Thedriver had interrupted them, screeching to a stop and barking out a demand forpayment. It was for the best, Caroline had told herself, as she’d straightenedher skirt and scurried inside with a hasty goodnight tossed over her shoulder. She’dfound herself watching his hands at competitions, instead of doing her job and payingattention to his choir, too often as it was. If they’d gone further? She’dnever be able to keep her composure in his presence and it would be a disaster.

God, he’d be so smug if he knew.

Another text comes through and she groans,letting her head thump back into the couch. She’s not surprised, Klaus isnothing if not persistent. That’s what had gotten her into this mess in thefirst place. She digs her spoon into her pint of ice cream, unearths afortifying chunk of peanut butter cup and reaches for her phone.

Pure Dimpled Evil [8:47 PM]: Does tomorrownight work for you? What time shall I pick you up?

Pure Dimpled Evil [8:51 PM]: Don’ttell me you’re welching, Ms. Forbes. Whatever would the little ones say?

Pure Dimpled Evil [8:52 PM]: Aren’tyou supposed to set an example? Embody the spirit of sportsmanship or some suchnonsense?

Ugh, she was going to need more than ice cream. She totallyshould have stopped and gotten wine. Maybe even gin.

Caroline [8:53 PM]: I’m notgoing to be mentioning any bets to my students. You probably shouldn’t either.It won’t look so good to your fancy helicopter parents that you’re gettingdates through nefarious means, will it?

Pure Dimpled Evil [8:54]:Nefarious? Hardly. You agreed quite readily. So certain you’d be victorious. Idid enjoy the confidence, sweetheart, but you’ve no one to blame for yourpredicament but yourself. Besides, I’ve noted a certain inclination to win atall costs amongst my choir’s parents. I dare say they’d approve of my methods.

That last point, Caroline could grudgingly concede, wasprobably correct. The prep school Klaus taught at charged astronomical tuitionfees and she’d glimpsed more sternness and scrutiny than enjoyment orencouragement from the few parents who bothered to come to competitions. Andokay, fine, she had made the bet willingly. Klaus had goaded but that was noexcuse. He was just an aggravating person in general, delighted in pushing herbuttons. She really should just stop letting him.

Even if it was kinda fun.

Caroline [8:59 PM]: Sunday.Brunch.

Pure Dimpled Evil [9:00 PM]: Now, nowI specified a proper date. Brunch does not qualify.

Caroline [9:00 PM]: Brunchdates are a thing!

Pure Dimpled Evil [9:01 PM]: I’m surethey’re not. Brunch is for old married couples. Dinner. Somewhere with lowlighting and good drinks.

Caroline [9:02 PM]: Planningon getting me drunk enough to find you charming? Better bring your credit card.

Pure Dimpled Evil [9:03 PM]: Ouch, love.I’d be offended if you weren’t lying.

Her jaw drops, and she sets her ice cream aside. A quickglance tells her it’s becoming a melty mess, her conversation with Klaus havingdistracted her from eating.

Caroline [9:05 PM]: Excuseyou, I am not.

Pure Dimpled Evil [9:05 PM]: You’venever have made the bet if you weren’t willing to go out with me, Caroline. Youtried your hardest to win because you loathe losing but I’d wager you’re notall that disappointed in the outcome, are you?

Caroline [9:06 PM]: Nope,sorry. I actually just really wanted to win.

Pure Dimpled Evil [9:07 PM]: Alright,then I suppose I misconstrued things. Best of luck next time. Until we meetagain, Caroline.

Wait, what? She stares at her phone for several long seconds,baffled by his abrupt shift to formality. She expects more, for those threelittle dots that mean Klaus us tapping out some longer reply to pop up on herscreen. But there’s nothing and Caroline finds herself making a call.

He picks up on the third ring, sounding guarded, “Hello?”

“’Until we meet again?’” she spits out incredulously. “Couldyou be any more dramatic?”

“Likely, if I put the effort in. Would you perhaps like tooffer some tips?”

Caroline ignores the mild dig, “What does that even mean?”

Klaus reply is measured, maddeningly patient, “It means thatI imagine we’ll not see each other until our paths cross again at the nextmeet. I believe it’s next month though the precise date escapes me.”

“What about…”

“I’ve no need to coercea woman into dating me, love.”

She makes a noise, one that doesn’t even come close to being aword at all, pulls her phone away from her ear to stare at it. Was he callingher bluff here?

So annoying.

“Come over,” she finds herself blurting out.

“Caroline…”

She hadn’t exactly meant to say it but now that it’s outthere she has no desire to take it back. “Do you remember where my apartmentis?”

“Yes, but…”

Caroline cuts him off, “You’re right, okay? And I’m probablyliterally never going to say that again so enjoy it this one time.”

His tone warms up considerably and Caroline’s reasonably surehe’s smiling, “Is that a yes to dinner?”

“Tomorrow. At 7,” Caroline agrees.

“Perhaps I’ll not need to pick you up, hmm? I’ll see you intwenty minutes.”

He hangs up before she can say anything else and Carolinefinds herself blinking down at her phone, smiling in a way that would be super embarrassingif there were any witnesses present. She lets it drop to the cushion and that’swhen she realizes that she is so not dressed appropriately.

Her leggings and faded Whitmore sweatshirt left her decently coveredbut that was kind of the problem. A late evening visit from a guy you’d beenhaving serious dirty thoughts about called for clothes of the inappropriate variety.

Crap. She’s got to hurry.

Klaus buzzes eighteen minutes later – and while generallyCaroline is a big believer in punctuality this one time she could have used acouple extra minutes to prepare. Her apartment is only tidy-ish (she’d plannedto rectify that tomorrow) with a pile of grading strewn over the coffee table,a small buildup of dishes in the kitchen, and a mountain of laundry that’swaited to be folded on the loveseat.

Naturally, she shoves Klaus against the door as soon as he’sinside, running her palms up over the thin fabric that covers his torso and tuggingoff his jacket.

What? It’s the perfect distraction.

He seems to have no complaints, burying his hands in her hairas soon as his hands are free from his sleeves and slanting his mouth overhers. There’s nothing tentative in his kiss and Caroline’s lips part on a sigh,meeting his eagerness with her own.

He tastes minty, like he’d stopped to brush his teeth beforecoming over and Caroline finds herself smiling. Klaus pulls back slightly,resting his forehead against hers. “What?”

She bites down on her lower lip in an attempt to stifleherself. “Nothing. Hi. Thanks for coming over.”

His laugh is soft and his lips brush hers again. “Thanks forinviting me over.” He pulls back when she tries to deepen the contact, suckingin a harsh breath when her hands slip under his shirt. He goes very still andshe takes the opportunity to explore the tense muscle under her palms thoroughly. He swallows harshly, soundsa little strained, “We don’t have to…”

She stills, stepping back slightly. A quick glance down showsthat, according to the bulge in his jeans, Klaus’ body is very much on board. Still,that didn’t necessarily meananything. “Do you not want to?”

He moves quickly, flipping their positions, hitching her legaround his hip. She’d changed into a dress, a floaty little summer thing, andhis eyes widen slightly as his hand slides up her thigh, curling around herhip. Her bare hip. “I definitely wantto,” he rasps.

“Good,” Caroline breathes, tightening her leg and tilting herhips so he grinds against her. “Glad we’re on the same page.”

Klaus needs no further encouragement, his head dipping so hislips slide over her shoulder, nudging the strap of her dress aside. His hand onher hip encourages her to keep moving and she obliges, resting more of herweight against the door. His stubble scrapes over her skin, following the pathof her falling dress, and Caroline fights a shiver. His free hand tugs when thefabric catches on the peak of her nipple and then his mouth is there, hot andwet and greedy.

She works her other arm out herself so her dress pools at herwaist, sliding her hand into his hair when he moves to switch to the neglectedbreast. She doesn’t let him though her body’s screaming for more, yanking hismouth back to his and pushing away from the door. They kiss frantically, handsroaming over heated skin and Klaus lets her walk him backwards, helps her tosshis shirt aside and takes the opportunity to shove her dress off her hips. “Bedroom,”Caroline manages, ripping her mouth from his to suck in a lungful of air. “Andtake off your pants.”

Their hands tangle around his belt buckle, clumsy andshaking. She finds herself muffling a laugh in his shoulder even as she getshis zipper down and her hand inside. He shudders when she wraps her fingersaround him and the accompanying strangled grunt of her name is intenselysatisfying. She pulls back to watch his face, to enjoy his darkening eyes andslack lips as she learns how he likes to be touched.

They stumble into her bed and go down in an ungraceful heap.Klaus manages to pin her hands, presses them into the mattress next to herhead. He attempts to look stern though it’s less than successful, flushed as heis, his hair ruffled from her hands. “I have been thinking about this for fartoo long to come on your hands the first time.”

She attempts a matching seriousness, “So what you’re sayingis that handjobs are cool the second time?”

He pushes off from her, standing so he can strip out of therest of her clothes. “Sorry, but no. I’ve plans for the second time as well.”

She props herself up on her elbows, doesn’t even attempt tomake it look like she’s doing anything but ogling him. It’s only fair, shethinks, with the way his eyes are glued to her. “And when exactly do I get myturn?”

Klaus grins, his hands hooking under her knees and pullingher closer to the edge of the bed. “Perhaps another bet’s in order, hmm? Sincethe last one worked out so well.”

She’s not exactly going to argue, not when he’s dropping tohis knees, pressing his lips to her inner thigh. She’s about to question himabout terms of said bet (and mock him mercilessly if it was anything aboutgetting her to scream his name) but Klaus’ thumb slips over her folds gently, partingher and pressing deeper until it’s slickened with her arousal. She’d be embarrassedby how wet she was if she hadn’t just had her hand around his cock. She moanswhen he finds her clit, drawing slow circles that have her thighs twitching.

Clearly Klaus was adept at distraction techniques. She’d haveto remember that.

#klaroline #klaroline drabbles #klaroline smut #ish #I feel like I couldn't go full on #because my choral director was a truly frightening lady #thetourguidebarbie

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