#depends on how annoyed i am and how guilty I feel for being negative tomorrow :')

[akiriith]

Not usually the type to make this sort of comment on the main tag but can people PLEASE quit with the whole "Link is shorter than Zelda!!11!11!!" thing? Its starting to go from a harmless, joking tone that I thought was funny to something way too aggressive. I like Link being shorter myself, but oh my lord please let artists do whatever they want. We've been so blessed by the amazing art and writing that comes out of this ship's fandom. So like, what's the gatekeeping for? Draw short Link yourself if that's so important to you :/

Look, Link has a clear height, story AND personality based on the game and dialogue options but he is also a part of a franchise that unlike almost anything out there with a non customizable main character, willingly encourages you to headcanon him however you like, to the point where he was purposefully designed as androgynous and they don't want to create a Linkle because for them it would feel like confirming Link is male. Its almost as if canon is more of a guideline than a hard rule- the devs have their view of him and the story, but they also just want you to have your fun. So if players have this much freedom, if someone wants Link to be taller just, y'know, let them??

[punkscowardschampions]

Ruby & Cosmo

Ruby: Dying to know is every date colour coded? ❤️

Cosmo: Oh, God 😅 How unintentionally cringe

Cosmo: That sums up how well it went, sadly

Ruby: the quick reply had me thinking you were back early or answering in the middle of dinner

Cosmo: 🤫

Cosmo: I’d never!

Cosmo: It was a favour and I think that showed

Cosmo: She’s my cousin’s friend and just got dumped, sweet girl but perhaps not ready to be great company

Ruby: explains the 🌹

Cosmo: Not very personal or too basic?

Ruby: a nice try if it was your first date ever but I know it’s not

Cosmo: Thank God I didn’t get another bouquet 😏

Cosmo: They weren’t buy one get one free though, before you say

Ruby: they looked expensive

Ruby: she would’ve felt guilty throwing them back in your face

Cosmo: I told you I weren’t texting under the table, why would she need to?

Ruby: you told me why, they’re impersonal & basic

Ruby: & heartbreak makes you unhinged

Cosmo: I wouldn’t call her unhinged

Cosmo: at least not to her face, right

Ruby: 😅

Ruby: or your cousin’s

Ruby: Are you staying out in town or going home to change?

Cosmo: I don’t fancy showing up in the club in this

Cosmo: never mind hearing what my friends would have to say

Cosmo: What are you up to?

Ruby: the VIP area has seen worse, you don’t look like you raided the Gucci sale rail, eyes closed

Ruby: & your friends have worn worse, but I won’t say it to their faces

Ruby: I’m waiting for my own friends to be done making their own questionable outfit choices as usual

Cosmo: Careful, that was almost a compliment and not just a drag of the lads

Cosmo: not undeserved on their end but what did I do to make you decide to be nice to me?

Cosmo: besides entertain you with my dating woes whilst they redo their makeup, again

Ruby: You know how to dress, it’s a fact

Ruby: & I didn’t decide to be nice, it just happened

Cosmo: Not that you’re not usually nice in general

Cosmo: but here I am, feeling special, like 💖🤩

Cosmo: It’s also a fact, though not an impressive one, that I’m not lame enough to go in for that negging bullshit, so whatever I end up doing, calling you a bitch ain’t on the agenda

Ruby: there you were down in the dumps about your disaster date, I thought I’d try to help

Ruby: I wouldn’t, it only works for Mason when everyone’s too busy watching his feet move to care about his mouth & that’s not the audience you’ve got atm

Cosmo: I think I’ll survive

Cosmo: but I appreciate it

Cosmo: I’ve seen him get in trouble for his mouth plenty of times on the pitch

Cosmo: but referees aren’t ones to be sweet-talked so…

Ruby: your expensive roses are wasted on them 🥀

Cosmo: That is the real tragedy 💔

Cosmo: I reckon 🍷 could work on your dad though, whaddya think?

Ruby: aren’t we beyond bribes? I thought we were

Cosmo: You don’t have to go up for contract renewals

Cosmo: but I was joking, so don’t tell him he’s on a promise there

Ruby: oh yeah, it’s a joke you being worried you won’t get renewed

Ruby: he doesn’t shut up about you after a few 🍷’s with your dad

Cosmo: Sorry you’ve had to witness/hear that

Cosmo: can’t help my case

Ruby: it wouldn’t be realistic to entertain you or let you entertain me if he wasn’t on board

Cosmo: No?

Ruby: secrecy & sneaking around would be impossible unless we could both drop what we were doing at a moment’s notice, which we can’t

Cosmo: True

Cosmo: Neither of us has the time for that

Ruby: or the anonymity

Cosmo: You aren’t wrong

Ruby: 💖🤩 back at me?

Ruby: you’re being agreeable, above & beyond the Sunday roast standard you set when everyone was listening in

Cosmo: Agreeable from you I can take

Cosmo: I didn’t know any of you guys were going to be there, so if I wasn’t on top form

Cosmo: I’d love to have a second chance to do it better, of course

Cosmo: Somewhere more exciting than family dinner

Cosmo: and no impersonal and basic 🌹s

Ruby: I’d love to skip the club tonight, it stopped being exciting forever ago

Ruby: there’s your chance

Cosmo: Alright

Cosmo: I’ll make something happen and I’ll send you the place and the dress code

Ruby: pastel colours wash me out

Cosmo: What kind of place would be pastels only? 🤔

Ruby: [name drop somewhere boujee that you’ve been probably with your mum and godmother lol]

Ruby: you wasted the ❤️ on the wrong girl 💔

Cosmo: She wasn’t wearing red

Ruby: it was never going to work out

Cosmo: That might be for the best

Ruby: tbd

Ruby: but I’m not feeling like I’ll cry or talk about any of my exes so it’ll be better for you

Cosmo: And for you

Cosmo: not that you’re letting me be impressive with a bar that low but you know

Ruby: you’ll get over or under it if you want to

Cosmo: If I couldn’t rise to the occasion your dad definitely wouldn’t stand for it

Ruby: I won’t either

Cosmo: tbd

Cosmo: I heard

Ruby: another girl has beat me to denying you everything, I have no choice but to switch it up to keep things interesting

Cosmo: Has hard-to-get worked since the days of negging?

Cosmo: You’ve got all the choices, and no need to play any sort of game with me

Cosmo: Let’s have a good time

Ruby: it might have worked for people who want a different reputation than I do

Ruby: that’d wash me out too, the whole projection of intense cold bitch energy

Ruby: a good time is more doable

Cosmo: It wouldn’t get you very far, I understand

Cosmo: We all have to be some type of way to get to where we need to be

Ruby: yeah & talent has to be backed up with 😁✨

Cosmo: A winning personality, of course

Ruby: if I don’t have that both of my parents & coach are going to lose it, definitely

Cosmo: Well, you don’t need to worry about that, from my perspective

Ruby: from my POV neither of us will be worrying until the alarm wakes us early tomorrow & it’ll be too late to stress it by then

Ruby: the good time’ll have already happened

Cosmo: I’ll drink to that

Cosmo: [something that’s between the restaurant moment we just took Savannah to and the normal clubs they would go to, idk what that would look like, like a club that’s a bit sassier than the beyond standard ones footballers and WAGs would hang in]

Cosmo: but I won’t start without you, like

Ruby: not counting the 🍷 if the 🍝 soaked it up

Ruby: but what do you want me to wear? 🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤍🤎

Cosmo: ❤️ off the table then

Ruby: the bar hasn’t fallen through the floor, I’m not okaying you wearing the outfit you chose for her & me dressing to match it

Cosmo: 😅 I’ve gone home but alright

Cosmo: I want to see what you come up with, actually

Cosmo: I’ll show you I’ve got better than the jumper, don’t worry

Ruby: I’ll do better than a roast with the fam, talk about a low bar

Cosmo: I think you’re probably incapable of looking bad

Ruby: try keeping me up all night & you’ll see

Cosmo: I won’t be the first or the last to show up to practice feeling less than 💯 … are all the other ice skaters perfect 😇s?

Ruby: I’m not giving any details of who isn’t, you’re a date down tonight as is, I’m not getting ditched for someone even more 😈

Cosmo: About how that looks

Cosmo: ‘cos I know

Cosmo: We aren’t going to post anything are we?

Cosmo: I’m not looking to add to the poor girl’s 💔 and I know it’s a dick move to not even wait ‘til tomorrow

Ruby: 📵

Ruby: getting into a fight with your cousin over me is even more Romeo & Juliet than sneaking around behind my dad’s back, we all know how it ended

Ruby: drama in the routine is fine but off the ice it’s not cute

Cosmo: Drama on the pitch depends how you feel about diving

Cosmo: but I appreciate that

Ruby: how I feel about diving depends how much my brother has got to me & I want to get him back for it

Cosmo: 🟥 or 🟨 depending on the day

Ruby: 🟥 usually

Cosmo: I feel that

Cosmo: about my own, usually, not necessarily yours but I can see the how and why there too

Ruby: yours made an impression, not at all good

Cosmo: That’s his speciality

Ruby: 😬 brothers bring the mood down when they’re ours

Cosmo: Neither of them’s invited

Ruby: it’ll make a change not to see mine out

Cosmo: That’s unlucky

Ruby: but you’re on to a winner with the location, congrats

Cosmo: I had a good feeling

Ruby: I’ve got one too

Cosmo: 💖🤩

Ruby: a compliment to last until I get there

Cosmo: tbd 👋

Ruby: ❤️

Cosmo: [so obviously this night is gonna go better than the awkward date, though that’s not hard soz Savannah, but also a step above the standard club moment of every weekend hence we stay out longer than we usually do when we’ve got an early start tomorrow]

Ruby: [and equally as obviously if you found enough to talk about when you were around all your annoying relatives for that roast I’m not worried about you struggling for a convo tonight, you’re both cute and have things in common and there’s clearly a vibe]

Cosmo: [I don’t think anything needs to happen tonight but it’s obvious you like each other ‘cos you could both be bothered to show and do this]

Ruby: [agreed it feels legit to who you both are and your priorities to wanna take things a bit slower than that, like it’s clearly unlike her already to do this when you were literally on a date earlier and staying out later than planned is also something neither of you do a lot so]

Cosmo: [yes, we’re not that kind of boy, not saying you’ve never slept with anyone obvs lmao but we’re not a different gal every weekend energy at all]

Ruby: [likewise neither calling this gal a nun or a slag but I doubt she's been out with that many people cos of a) her busy schedule and b) the lowkey famous dad and brother thing that would make some lads wanna try it on for that reason]

Cosmo: [exactly dr phil, you wanna skip to the AM of it all?]

Ruby: [absolutely boo]

Cosmo: 🟥 or 🟨 for keeping you out past your bedtime then?

Ruby: Are you willing to take credit or am I blaming a messy friend’s man troubles?

Cosmo: That depends

Cosmo: we would have to find a friend we’d mutually not mind throwing under the bus and I’m not sure if my brain is capable rn

Ruby: it wouldn’t be taxing to mine to think up someone believable, if you’re keen to show up to my door with 💐 & fool my dad that it’s the first move you’ve made

Ruby: for rep’s sake

Cosmo: The 💔 is all around

Cosmo: a hangover will have you feeling that way

Cosmo: are YOU keen for me to show up at your door with 💐s, that’s the real question here

Ruby: I’ll start getting hangovers when I’m old, it’s a scare tactic before, not a real thing

Ruby: impressing my dad doesn’t necessarily impress me

Cosmo: 😂

Cosmo: That’s alright, I already have impressed him, so it’s definitely not my intention here

Ruby: let’s hear what your intentions are

Cosmo: Now you’re bragging about how un-hungover you are

Cosmo: How about you let me set up a second date and we can talk about it then?

Ruby: a brag would have a selfie attached, I was reassuring you I’m not suffering mild alcohol poisoning like most of our friends

Ruby: a second date for when?

Cosmo: I’m pleased to hear it

Cosmo: it doesn’t make for a pretty sight

Cosmo: [pisstakey shot of some of the lads dying in the changing room or wherever like ew lol]

Cosmo: Send me your calendar and I’ll see?

Ruby: 😬 lovely [but send him something similar of the girls obvs and then your calendar of course, I’m cackling because what if the only time they can both do is tonight so that looks really extra when you’re both not]

Cosmo: They’d kill us for that 😏

Cosmo: [we so could, lmao okay]

Cosmo: Well, it looks like either we double down and go for tonight or we give it a rain check and see in a couple weeks 🤔

Ruby: tonight works for me but it’s you who’d be doing the work to think of somewhere else with wow factor

Cosmo: Undefeated with two wins sounds a lot better than one

Ruby: yeah & I don’t want to talk about weeks on the bench

Cosmo: Be a bit of a dirty tactic to put the blame on you for not going out with me tonight if I get benched but

Cosmo: If it works I’m not above it

Cosmo: So, what kind of place are you looking to avoid tonight?

Ruby: do we need to avoid anywhere or flash photography? your cousin & the girl they forced you to date can’t stay mad forever

Cosmo: No, we don’t have to

Ruby: 💖🤩

Cosmo: Understood

Cosmo: I’ll get back to you

Ruby: 🚫🍷🥃🍸🍹 can be tonight’s rule if you need a break

Cosmo: I don’t

Cosmo: I just needed to know what you want to do, and now I do and I’m thinking

Ruby: I know you don’t need it to have or be fun, me either hopefully

Cosmo: I think you’re fun

Cosmo: and it’s definitely tragic if you have to rely on something like that, that’s not me

Ruby: it’s nobody I know or would count as worth knowing

Cosmo: Totally

Cosmo: Okay, I’m going on the pitch, send you deets later

Ruby: don’t mess up or I’m going to cancel tonight & I don’t want to so that’ll be us both in bad moods 😘

[dolleduptrash]

//Rant

It seems like now that I realized I’m most likely autistic (like I’m 99% sure, but I haven’t had the chance to be diagnosed yet) I’ve started noticing things about myself and how they connect to autism. Realizing behaviors that are common within the community, reactions and limits, things I had blamed myself for being difficult with.

I think it’s also made me realize how NT people don’t always take how you feel into consideration. A lot of the time they’re just focused on things being socially acceptable and “normal”.

I recently got a job as a caretaker for my special needs cousin, who’s highly dependent on whoever is caring for her. I’ve also been watching her brother, who is autistic as well.

It’s not exactly hard, just periods of being busy, but I do admit I have time to sit and play on my phone. I think because of this, my family isn’t viewing the job as something difficult. I guess normally it wouldn’t be.

I haven’t told many people about my discovery regarding my health, but I did confide in my aunt in hopes that she would understand since her son is autistic.

At the time I didn’t know it wasn’t the best to call myself “high-functioning”, so I did that, because in the eyes of society that’s what matters, I’m able to do what most expect, although they don’t seem to realize the effort it takes me, they just see the outcome of things going wrong.

Anyways, as soon as I used the term high functioning, my aunt immediately seemed to brush me off, saying “oh well if you are, like you said, you’re high functioning.” I know she didn’t mean it in a negative way, I’m sure she meant for it to be a positive, but it just feels invalidating.

I hate the idea that since I can conform to most of society’s expectations, that means I’m not valid for what I do struggle with. One of those things is routine and change. I don’t handle sudden change well, whether it’s something complicated or as simple as my day plans being changed. Working for family has perks and wiggle room, but my family isn’t seeming to understand that I need a heads up for when I’m working. They tell me the day before, if that, and I can’t get enough time to prepare myself to go work the next day.

I wish I could have a weekly schedule, and I know they’re capable, but I’m scared of asking because they’ll see me as being picky or annoying. I don’t turn down any requests to watch the kids, all I need is time to acknowledge that I’m doing so…

After quitting a stressful job and being technically unemployed for over a year, having an official job feels like I’m trapped. I have to commit, especially because it’s family. So I feel stuck. But I want the job, I need the money, I need the stability. So I hate that I feel bad about things being figured out. I was doing so well with my mental health, my depression was being handled thanks to new medication, I was reviving my hobbies and my interests. I was proud for no bad days, relatively speaking.

Today my family had decided to plan my day without actually asking or involving me in the decisions. I knew I was to work today, and yesterday I learned it was at 8:15 until around maybe 2-3. That was fine, I wish I knew the time sooner, but I had energy ready for the task. Then as I’m working, my uncle calls and asks what time I need to be home to take care of my mamaw (who recently moved in and also needs full time care, which my grandma is accounting for). I was confused because nobody mentioned to me anything about taking over caring for my mamaw for the day. Then he asks what time I’m going to be back over to watch the kids…?! I expressed my confusion and how I had no idea. I talked to my aunt and then my grandma trying to figure out how it was decided I was doing these things, even though nobody checked in with me.

After some consideration, I don’t have to care for my mamaw as my grandparents don’t have time to go to their event and still get back in time for me to come back and watch the kids… which I’m left feeling guilty for although it’s not anything I can control. I am coming back to watch the kids around 7 though, for an extra hour or two.

Even though it’s been figured out and things aren’t going to be confusing, I’m upset. An upset I haven’t felt in a while thanks to staying away from employment and other stressful things. I was doing so well, and I hate that this is what caused my slip up. I feel inadequate. How am I not able to handle such a simple job? When even I know it’s simple?

I can’t even express how the decisions and actions affect me, as I don’t want to feel invalidated, with my aunts dismissal of my possible autism, and my grandma’s straight up disbelief. I mean, she didn’t even try to be supportive. She said “so what, you think you have this now?” (In a condescending tone) When I showed her a decent sized list of symptoms and signs that I showed which aligned with autism and adhd. She said it in a disappointed way. I think she sees me as my mom, who is happy to claim any problem she can pass with, and she enjoys attention from it, even if it’s proven she doesn’t have that issue. (By doctors and stuff, but I don’t know, I try not to judge and just stay out of all of that). But that’s the exact reason I gave her such a list of things on why I believed this. Since then I’ve done more research and self reflection in order to feel more confident in my discovery and to figure out if it was possible. I even have my psychiatrist helping me find somewhere to do testing, which already has proved to be difficult.

Anyways, yeah the only family I’ve told hasn’t reacted in a way that makes me feel safe to talk about limits and problems.

I just feel stuck. I feel so good about myself, my identity, now that I’ve realized why I am the way I am. I’ve accepted it and I genuinely love who I am and how I react to things, I understand it. I just hate that I don’t get the outside world to match that same acceptance and the help that I need. I’ve done a lot recently to accommodate the things I experience, and it’s helped a lot, but the ones that aren’t exactly my choice… those happen to be the ones that always mess things up. And I’m frustrated. This post doesn’t have a satisfactory ending or a true purpose other than me venting, so I apologize if you expected something more productive.. If you actually did read all of this (sorry lol) I hope you have a good day, and I hope I have a good day tomorrow, even if I don’t today.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #274

“now i can hear the marching feet / they’re moving into the street”

What color was the last swimsuit you wore? I only have a black one. Is your dream job attainable? I mean define “dream job.” I’d ideally be a meerkat biologist if I was willing to live in Africa and could handle even mild heat, but I can’t/won’t do either of those, so it’s not obtainable to me. I’d also love to be a paleontologist if I could travel and handle heat once more, but again, I can’t. My only *attainable* dream job is being a photographer, which I am aiming for. I’d LIKE to focus on nature/wildlife photography, but that’s unlikely to be able to support me, so. Do you have to go to school or work tomorrow? N/A Have you slept for longer than usual today? Yes, but only because of my nightmares. I tend to take at least two (though sometimes one) hour-long naps during the day because if I wake up once during the night, as I usually do, I’m fucked because I’m very likely to have an intense nightmare. It seems like the medicine I’m on wears off with consciousness, I guess. I only allow myself to sleep an hour at daytime because my mother has noticed if I have a nightmare, it’s usually no earlier than one hour into sleep. Even then I still have them occasionally. Have you ever taken classes for a musical instrument? Recorder in elementary school was necessary for whatever stupid reason, and then I played the flute for years. Out of school, I took guitar lessons for a while. I got semi-decent (at best I could do the intro to “Crazy Train” at normal speed, I think), but it didn’t last because it was annoying/time-consuming to build up the calluses that make playing painless, I was really bad at overthinking where my fingers were, and I just wasn’t invested quite enough. I’ll tell you, it gave me mad respect for guitarists, that shit isn’t easy by any means. Have you ever been on vacation with someone other than your family? Yes, though it was brief. I was a kid (okay, pre-teen, w/e) still in my separation anxiety from Mom phase and it was literally because of me we had to go home. I still feel shitty about it, though no one seemed upset at me. How old do you think you’ll be when you move out on your own? Who the fuck even knows anymore. Do you have a job? If so, where do you work? If not, do you want one? No; N/A; yes ultimately but no at the current moment because I have to keep watch over Mom. If you wear make-up, which brand of foundation/powder do you use? N/A Would you call yourself a “people” person? Nope. What is one change you need to make in your life this month? Just one??? What’s been tugging on your heart lately? My PTSD plus self-image has been very, very bad. What is the last thing you did that made you feel guilty? Mom had to clean up my cat’s projectile vomit even though she’s supposed to stay away from this kinda stuff through chemo. I literally cannot fucking touch vomit, never mind what came out of him that night. I felt like absolute fucking shit and I still do because WOW I’m a great adult right!! Do you have any physical traits that are bothering you lately? Like, everything. What kind of dog is your favorite? I’m biased to beagles. What was the last thing you received in the mail? A book. What is the last thing you wrote? Like, physically? My signature at the doctor’s office. Do you still care about the person you first kissed? Way fucking more than I should. Do you require a lot of private time? Definitely more than most people. Do you have any songs currently stuck in your head? I haven’t listened to it in forever for ~reasons~, yet “The Mortician’s Daughter” is stuck in my head badly and really needs to fuck off. What was the last song you downloaded? I dunno, I went on a download binge a while back. Have you ever read a really funny book? I remember at least one. “Bite Me” by IDR-Who. Some vampire satire. Have you ever done something humiliating while drunk? Never reached the point of being drunk. How would you react if your celebrity crush came to your door? fuckin YIKES I am NOT attractive rn go away Has your mom/dad ever walked in on you kissing or anything more with someone? HAHA my mom has always had the decency to knock, not so much his mom a;lwkejrewoei but the answer’s still no. What electronics are in your room? (DVD player, CD player, etc) This laptop, my phone, a Nintendo DS, my iPod… Do you have a box anywhere with special items you'll to keep forever in it? Yes, actually. Grew up calling them “treasure boxes.” Do you have any pictures of yourself on your bedroom walls? Lol no, I’d definitely prefer to not see myself as much as I can. That sounds melodramatic, but I’m being serious. It either depresses me or makes me angry. Does your dad collect anything? The Cleveland Browns’ football team stuff, for one. Maybe Carolina Hurricane stuff, too? Idk. I don’t live with him and don’t go in his “man cave” at his house often ha ha. What's better, a desktop or laptop? Explain. A laptop. Portable; that’s all the explanation ya really need. Do your parents still hide chocolate eggs around on Easter for you? Nah. What do you typically do on Easter Day? We go to my sister’s house to watch the kids do their egg hunting and open their gifts, then we usually go to Ashley’s in-laws’ for dinner. Is there anyone you literally need to exist? Apparently not. Thought so. Never let yourself into that state of mind. What would you prefer to get from a guy/girl: flowers, a hand-written poem, a picture he drew of you or a nice night out? Oh, a hand-written poem would wreck me, yeesh. Or a drawing. But any would be very sweet. Do you remember why you made the last mistake you did? I don’t know the most recent mistake, but probably because I’m just in general a terrified person who second-guesses or overanalyzes everything. Did you check how many calories the last thing you ate had? Yes. I’m back on my calorie-counting obsession again. Are your nails long or short? Short, always. I can’t keep them long. What is your favorite kind of cookie? Just the ordinary chocolate chip is fine. What was the last compliment you received? I don’t know. Who will be the next person you kiss? I normally delete this question because the answer should be so obvious, but I feel like just pointing it out that no one fucking knows who they’re gonna kiss next. It’s a dangerous mindset. Don’t make assumptions about what you’ll have even tomorrow. Have you ever made your own icon? Yeah, on many sites. They’re just about always just edits, though, not truly original work. What color is your computer mouse? It’s black. Have you ever been sung to on your birthday in a restaurant? Yes. Do you like black olives? I don’t like olives period. Do you actually think there will be a zombie apocolypse? Personally, no. I do think it’s scientifically possible, we already see this in insects, but I just don’t imagine it happening to humans before we’re our own downfall. Do you like the person you’ve become over the past years? Fuck no. Have you ever gone to church just to get a significant other? … No…? Have you ever punched a wall out of complete anger? No, that shit is terrifying. Are you really ticklish? YES don’t fucking touch me. How do you decide what you're going to eat each day? I just follow what I’m craving that day. How are you similar to your siblings? Different? Compared to Ashley and Nicole at least, I can’t think of any real similarities off the top of my head. They’re intelligent, motivated, outgoing, successful, yada yada, then there’s me. What's your favorite type of non-fiction literature? Autobiographies by people I’m actually interested in. Do you believe in souls? Soulmates? Souls, absolutely. Soulmates, no. It’s fairytale ideation to think your soul has a perfect match with another, hate to break it to ya. Favorite soundtrack? BITCH don’t make me choose between Shadow of the Colossus and Silent Hill 2. Fucking masterpieces. Pianos or guitars? *shrugs* Depends on the music and my mood. Did an animal ever bite you? Never seriously. How many languages do you speak? Only English fluently. I’m poor at German by now. Wiggly worms or bumble bees? Worms gross me out, bees are Good Boys. Religion? I don’t really identify with any. I just believe there’s some form of ultimate intelligence and essences beyond just the body, and that’s all I even pretend to know. Fog, thunder, or rain? Fog gives me that Silent Hill Vibe *Italian kiss* What regret keeps coming back to haunt you daily? The way I treated Jason after the breakup. If you could cure yourself of one allergy, what would it be? Damn pollen. Do you know anyone else with your name? Yeah. What would you be most afraid of happening if you were to visit Africa? Viruses or botflies. Where are you tempted to move to sometimes? I very legitimately want to live in Canada by now, but I won’t because I’m not moving that far from family. Who seems like they have the perfect life? I try not to make that assumption of anyone. Do you ever take pictures of negative moments? Does taking pictures of roadkill count???? lmao probably Do you think it would be a good idea to post photos of negative moments as well as positive? Well… I guess it depends. Like ngl, the pictures some people share of them having panic attacks to just show how fucking real they are definitely touch you, as do those depicting poverty, etc., BUT I really do think there are limits and also differences in motivations. What time zone are you in? EST. Would you ever post a picture of yourself crying on social media? Wow, speaking of. No. ^Why or why not? I am an UGLY cry-er, my man. But I also just don’t want people to see that, and it’s definitely not on my mind to take a picture during a breakdown. What was the last thing you cried about? My life. Have you ever held a newborn baby? Yes. Do you know anyone who has twins? Yes. Where do you buy calendars from? I don’t. Do you shop at the dollar store often? Not *often*, but we’ll stop by for a snack or something sometimes. Are you following in the career path of any family members? No. Do you feel you missed out on a lot as a kid? I guess in some ways. Who was that best friend you ever had? Sara. What color is your laptop? Black. What are five careers you think you’d be good at? My work history has shown I can’t do shit right. Are you thriving in your life right now? lmao no one is in 2020. Who do you have moral support from? My family, doctor, and a few friends. Who encourages you to go after your dreams? The same as above. Do you have people in your family who want you dead? Wow, I hope not. Do you have a walk-in closet? No, but my room at the new house will. :’) Not that I need one, it’s just pretty cool. How do you feel about people like Elon Musk, Bill Gates, and Jeff Bezos having so much power and control in the world? Do you believe that any one person should have so much power? Let’s be real, in our current world, money is power, and no one should have that much control of the world, especially if your intentions are bad. NOW I don’t know jack shit about any of those are far as morals go, but just saying. It’s dangerous. Has your anxiety alone ever prevented you from doing something you wanted to do? This is ACTUALLY the story of my fucking life. Do you enjoy reading stories and novels that are heavily stylistic, poetic, or unconventional or do you prefer your prose to follow a familiar grammatical structure? Okay, I LOVE those, like Johnny Got His Gun and The Handmaid’s Tale that’s kinda like, run-on writing. Just letting a train of thought go. Those are two of the most powerful books I’ve ever read and they’re both written in a unique fashion. Have you ever fallen for any sort of Internet-based hoax? (e.g., fake celeb death, satire news article…) I’m sure at some point, especially as a kid. Do you tend to read reviews before you watch a movie or read a book? What do you hope to get out of doing so? NO. I don’t wanna have any precognition. When you go to a concert, how far must you travel for the most usual venues you visit? Most are on the other end of the state, and NC is long, so. We’re lucky if they come to Raleigh. Do you rent movies frequently? I never do, really. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Take pictures or swim. What’s your favorite meal to cook? I don’t cook. What movie has been taken WAY too far, as far as sequels go? Oh, I’m sure there are some, but none immediately come to mind. I’m not that into movies. Do you refuse to eat certain foods because of what they look like? Yes. I am VERY poor at getting past how a food looks. What are you listening to? NSP’s cover of “Don’t Fear The Reaper.” It’s fuckin gorgeous. How much homework do you have tonight? N/A Are you wearing any bracelets? Yes; one that Sara got me as well as an ovarian cancer awareness one. What's physically wrong with you right now? JINKIES I just feel really lethargic like always. Do you take any medications daily? Ha ha thanks for actually reminding me I need to now. When was the last time you moved to a new house? Two years ago, and now we’ll be moving to a much better place by the end of this month/early September, finally. When it comes to relationships, are you the jealous type? Nah. Which gift cards do you have in your wallet? Idk actually. It’s not like I use it a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt ill? What was wrong with you? A few nights ago. I was extremely hot, dizzy, and pretty nauseated. I was fine, though. If you wear make-up, do you take it with you, to reapply throughout the day? Does your make-up stay for a long time after you first apply it, or do you find that you need to reapply often? Are you wearing any make-up atm? I pretty much never wear makeup so have never really had a reason to reapply it. I’m definitely not wearing any now. Does your kitchen have a theme? No. Do you like ice cream sandwiches? GIRL yes. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? Earbuds. They’re more comfortable imo but more importantly block out exterior noise very well. Are you a fan of any independent films? ngl, I don’t know exactly what that is and I don’t feel like looking it up. Could you possibly write a successful novel? I very genuinely think some of the RP stories I’ve taken part in are novel-worthy, yes. I wanted to make them books when I was younger, but now I no longer do mainly because there are areas that are just way too fucking dark that I don’t wanna put out there but play massive parts in the stories, so like… Do you regularly watch the news? I never do. Facebook is my “news” source lmao. Who was the last person you video-chatted with? I don’t remember for sure, maybe some doctor? What do you want the theme of your wedding to be? I don’t really think about this, seeing as my mind has changed enough, and it also depends on what my partner wants, too. Have you ever been caught passing a note in class? Noooo, I absolutely hated passing notes because I was genuinely a good student. I only did so very, very rarely if another friend started it. Have you ever had dandruff? I have dandruff AND a dry scalp. It’s a wonderful mix. Have you ever gone through a phase of crushing on EVERYONE? Definitely not. Do you have any clothes with spikes/studs on them? I have a spiked choker, and I might still have gloves with studs? Can you remember what you last clapped for? My mom’s birthday! :’) Have you ever given a pet to someone else? Yes, with cats; we had to do that quite often when I was a kid because we had so many cats, none which we could afford to fix. Then we’ve done it with two dogs we just couldn’t handle. Oh yeah, I gave my iguana away too because he was too high maintenance for me, but also because he DESPERATELY needed a much bigger terrarium, which we couldn’t afford. I absolutely could not watch him in that tiny tank. I miss him a LOT, but he went to a wonderful home! The lady who adopted him sent me pictures upon pictures months after taking him in. Do you know anyone named Walter? No. What's your least favorite ice-cream flavor? Strawberry is fucking disgusting. And that’s coming from someone whose favorite fruit is strawberries. What's your least favorite song by your favorite artist? I’m not sure. There’s a handful that just don’t grab my attention that I don’t even remember them. What was the last good news you heard? I can FINALLY talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow. Who’s your favorite singer of all time? Probably Freddie Mercury. What airline do you fly most? Idk, I don’t really pay attention. I haven’t flown very often though anyway. Do you have a dog that is destructive? I don’t have a dog. What’s one TV series you’ve seen every episode of? Meerkat Manor is the most obvious, ha ha. Maaaaany times. Assuming you have Facebook, who last left you a wallpost? Probably my friend Sammi. Assuming you have hair, how are you wearing it today? It’s too short for me to “wear” it any particular way. It’s just… there lmao. Assuming you're not homeless, what kind of living arrangements do you have? I live with my mom in a house she’s renting. Have you or have you ever considered messing around with the same sex? I’m bisexual so you can guess I’m not opposed to it. Are you particular about any brands of food you will or will not eat? Are there any restaurants you refuse to go to? Brands, no. I don’t eat Chick-fil-a because they’re run by fucking homophobic bigots that monetarily support conversion therapy and other anti-LGBT projects. I’m not giving you any fucking money. What was the most current dream you can remember about? Do you generally dream every night, or hardly at all? It was actually last night, when I dreamed about accidentally running into Jason where I last knew he worked, and he was really hostile. If I don’t take my medicine, I always have nightmares when I sleep.

[gaysin-space]

The curious thing

you’re so cute, sending me asks to do omg

1. What are the things that stand between you and complete happiness?

Myself and my mental shit tbh

2. What will people say at your funeral?

Idk summat about me being gay and savage tbh

3. Standing at the gates of heaven, and God asks you “Why should I let you in?” What do you reply?

“I don’t know man it’s up to you like i don’t mind either way”

4. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you run into to make everything ok?

My girlfriends tbh i’ve done it before so yeah she helps me alot

5. Does this person know how much they mean to you? When was the last time you told them?

I like to think you do, I mean i tell you nearly everyday

6. If you could send a message to the entire world, what would you say in 30 seconds?

Explain how war doesn’t solve anything and just makes everything worse and how we need to stop

7. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

I’d travel the world and give enough to my parents to support them for the rest of their lives

8. If today was the last day of your life, what would you want to do?

See the great wonders of the world or go to space tbh

9.What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

I’d spend more time with my loved ones than i already do

10. If your entire life was a movie, what title would best fit?

The unadventurous life of the depressed emo

11. How would you describe yourself in 5 words?

honest, sarcastic, funny, loving, trusting 

12. What are the chances you’ve passed up on that you regret?

none really? Like i’m happy with most of the decisions that i’ve made that effect my life 

13. How do you apply the learning from this regret to your actions today?

I don’t tend to hang onto negative emotions like that like I just forget and move on

14. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

Everything like literally

15. If you could watch everything that happened in your life until now, would you enjoy it?

certain things yeah but i wouldn’t want to like the past is the past for a reason

16. If you could ask a single person one question, and they had to answer truthfully, who and what would you ask?

idk tbh maybe Harry and if he’s happy 

17. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

A lot of things tbh all my mistakes would be erased 

18. When you’re 90 years old, what will matter most to you in the world?

My family definitely 

19. Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of? What’s stopping you?

Yeah but im working on it and my brain needs to get with the program

20. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Yes.

21. Do you ask enough questions, or are you happily settling for what you know already?

I think i do? Like im a really curious person so ill always wanna find out more if people let me

22. How do you celebrate the things you do have in your life?

I make do with the little things i have and make everything go a long way

23. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you have done?

I will have said a lot but i always go through with what ive promised to do

24. When was the last time you tried something new?

The other day i think? I always make sure to say yes to trying new things

25. What were you doing when you last lost track of the time?

probs watching videos on youtube 

26. What is the difference between living and existing?

Living is enjoying life to the fullest and doing the things you love everyday, existing is just getting by doing the bare minimum to survive

27. If you had a friend that you spoke to the same way you speak to yourself, how long do you think that person would allow you to be your friend?

Not very long, they’d probs get annoyed with me very soon and leave me alone

28. If you had to teach someone one thing, what would you teach?

How to be nice to people

29. What makes you smile?

The people who care about me and i care about

30. What drives you to do better at something?

My parents and the fear of disappointing them

31.What do you really love to do? Do you do it often? If you answer no, why not?

I love to read and write and i don’t do it that often but i want to start doing it more as soon as i’m finished with whats causing me stress at the moment

32. What can you do today that you couldn’t do a year ago? What will you be able to do at this time next year?

Talk about my feelings better and actually let people in, and hopefully next year ill be even better at it than i am now

33. What is the last thing that you’ve done that’s really worth remembering?

When I spent a whole day with my mum

34. What gets you excited and driven to achieve?

The future i could potentially have 

35. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

when i went to Birmingham to visit my girlfriend 

36. What do you want most out of life?

Just to be happy and have a family

37. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you?

Hopefully it would help me but knowing my luck it would probs hurt me 

38. If you could go back in time, once, and change a single thing – what would it be?

When a certain person hurt me and fucked up my life

39. If you had a year left to live, what would you achieve over the next 12 months?

Visit every place on my bucket list and tell all my family i love them

40. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be?

To be happy

41. What do you “owe” yourself?

Nothing tbh

42. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

My gf tbh cheesy i know but still

43. How do you spend the majority of your free time? Why?

Watching youtube or spending time with people i care about

44. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

A power ranger or a spy omg 

45. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

Went to uni tbh 

46. What terrifies you the most?

People leaving me and being on my own

47. What are you looking forward to?

My future tbh where im married with kids 

48. Describe the greatest adventure of your life

Havent been on it yet

49. Where would you like to live? Why haven’t you moved?

Paris and money tbh

50. What have you done that you’re most proud to have achieved?

Gone to uni tbh didnt think i would but im here 

51. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

I wouldnt be able to live or get a job tbh

52. What is your greatest strength?

Listening to others and giving advice 

53. What is your greatest weakness?

My paranoia and insecurities 

54. What did your life teach you yesterday?

That people will always talk about you behind your back no matter if you thought they cared about you or not 

55. What have you done today to make someone’s life better?

Sorted out some money issues so my parents don’t have to stress about it 

56. Whose life have you had the greatest impact on?

My parents most likely

57. What makes you special?

No idea, I don’t think i am tbh

58. How many people do you truly love? What are you doing for them?

A few and I’ll always make sure im there for them whenever they need me

59. What bad habits do you want to break?

Biting my skin and nails and the major bad one i do

60. When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

many times especially concerning my sister and dad 

61. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence

Building my life with my gf and our future together tbh

62. If you spend a day watching movies when you should be working a day wasted or well spent?

Wasted omg i feel so guilty whenever i do

63. Would your life be better or worse, if you knew the time and place where you would die?

worse id always be thinking about it 

64. What is honor, and does it even matter anymore?

to me its being true to yourself and i would like to think it does 

65. Would you be a martyr and risk your reputation by standing up for what is right in front of your peers? Or is it better to be pragmatic and do nothing?

always stand up for what is right and be true to yourself and not lose yourself in fitting in with everyone else 

66. Could you be persuaded to kill someone? If you answer no, how much money would it take to change your mind?”

Depends what they did tbh and why it matters to me 

67. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

I’d be where i’m supposed to be but idk its never going to happen

68. Would you rather have 10 years of excellent health, or 30 years of average health?

30 years tbh the longer the better 

69. Is being open-minded a virtue, if it’s causing destructive ideas to spread throughout society?

Everyone should be open minded but not if its causing destructive ideas to blossom and spread 

70. Do you consider yourself the hero or the villain in your story?

Villain definitely i sabotage my own happiness too much 

71. How much control do you really have over yourself?

Not much tbh my head gets in the way 

72. When did you last push the boundaries of your comfort zone?

Yesterday tbh to hang out with my new mate 

73. What have you given up on?

Too many things tbh you’d probs cry 

74. Who are you really? Describe yourself without using your name, or any attributes given to you by society and really think.

Im the best person to have fighting for you in your corner and ill do everything in my being to help those who need it 

75. Deep down, who are you?

No idea, if you ever meet her lemme know yeah?

[salvatwhoree97]

Frustration; Family!

It’s been a while since i sat down and wrote, or even typed for that matter. A lot has changed. First thing’s first, I am fully off my medication now which is great and I am happy about that. My personal situation beyond that has changed heaps. Unfortunately, due to matters out of my control, I am living back at home, in my family home. I guess some people might think oh that’s not too bad, and it isn’t really. But i moved out for a reason. I love my family but they make me so frustrated and all i want is to be alone. After living on my own for nearly 4 years, I am 23 years old, I did not expect to end up here, and i really am not happy about it. It hasn’t been long and i know i should be grateful. It is definitely better in many ways to what i was dealing with before, and for that i truly am relieved. Being back at home and not being able to get away from my family like i could previously is stirring a lot of emotions for me. Rather than exploding in fucking anger which i am really close to, i am just in my room with the door shut ranting online instead, which is one coping mechanism i suppose. I see my therapist tomorrow, i wonder what she will make of this new situation i am in. Being around my family makes me feel angry, stressed, frustrated, sad, annoyed, irritated, upset, guilty, dragged down, drowning in stress and not being able to have any time to myself. I fucking cannot stand being told what to do and when to do things and i am trying to look after my mental health but i knew that being around them would really start to affect me. Most of this is purely situational. My family are helping me with the move which i really do appreciate and i am trying my best to not be rude and not snap and be regretful but there is only so much i can take and i want to be ALONE! Things should get better after the 23rd, i know this for a fact because the keys to the old place will be handed back, along with the fucking stress and anxiety that place made me feel. I look forward to that becoming a distant memory one day, rather than taking up my present life! After this date, i can start working on fixing things in the home i am staying in and this won’t be forever. This is just a short term thing, until my partner and I are able to move out together, which is another story, and not a bad one, it is good. I just don’t know when we will be able to move out together, due to other circumstances which i will not go into here, everything is very good with my partner and i, that is not the issue and i am really happy about that!

The issue is the way i am fucking feeling when i am around my family, i am totally aware of the fact that i come across as a bitch to my family when i want to be alone and when i lay down with the door shut, i have no energy at the moment i have no motivation with certain things. I am going to gym and that makes me happy, but certain people in my family stress me out sooo much and there is always something to comment on negatively, always something to pick at me, i just want to cry, scream and tell the world to fuck off and leave me be!

I am aware of things in my life and on my self that need work and i will get to it in my own fucking time! Not with people nagging me and commenting and saying shit all the time. Something was just said earlier that really fucking pissed me off and made me feel this urge to sit down and fucking rant. Someone in my family basically said that i won’t have a man in my life for long if i treat them the way i treat that person, and i was like um how fucking dare you, you have nothing to do with my partner and that situation. It would be a fucking blessing to be able to live with the man i love and something as minimal as doing the dishes wont be a fucking stressful task like ti is here, being stuck at home again like a fucking dependent child, i cannot stand that, It is COMPLETELY different when you have your own home with your partner, and so for that to be brought up really fucking made my blood boil. Then they go and try to chat to me about things around the house like nothing happened? Like no fuck off! I do not want to be here, i wish i could get the fuck out of here already, Anyway certain people in my family aren’t always around here anyway and i know they are here for me to help me with things and i am not saying it is all bad. There have been good moments and i do try and i am kind i am capable of love and kindness and positiveness, but i haven’t been feeling well lately and i am fucking tired. 

Also i could say the fucking same in terms of their stress levels, like how the fuck does your partner put up with you stressing and overreacting over every single fucking thing. What REALLY concerns me about being in this fucking house and being around them is that when i have my own family i do not want to be like this, i do not want to be so quick to stress and teach my children that that is normal. It makes me sick. I am concerned that this will bring me down mentally and ruin my progress i have made with my mental health. But i will discuss all this with my therapist tomorrow and see what she says. I just want to be alone more than fucking anything right now!

Anyway there is my negative rant, it won’t be like this forever and i know i sound like a bad person and a negative person, i know that i am not, it just feels really shit to be unemployed and stuck at home, i used to be so independent. I hope i can get back there, Even if i am stuck here, hopefully i can get a job and just work heaps and put everything into work and gym.

Is anyone else feeling these ways?

Let me know xx :( 

Isy