#despite it being like 3x longer than all the rest lol.

[swanmaids]

aredhel/vana, rated e. for @imakemywings <3

There was a reason Írissë had never sworn herself to any Valar. Acolytes, she grumbled to herself, made the worst adventuring partners. 

And she’d been looking forward to the trip for ages! Tyelkormo had made it sound so exciting when he’d pitched it to her. Let’s spend a few weeks in Oromë’s Woods, he’d said to her, he’d show her all of the hidden parts that most were unable to find. They could explore all of it, it would be so much fun. 

But only two days into their trip, he’d woken her with an apologetic smile. Oromë had spoken to him the night before, apparently, and wanted him to go to the temple in the heart of the forest that day. Yes, alone. No, he didn’t know how long for. Sorry. Then he’d sped off on his horse, leaving her to pack up their camp. 

“Yeah, really fucking fun for me,” Írissë called aloud to the near-silent forest, “You prick!”

The forest said nothing. 

What to do now? 

The Woods had lost all appeal. But she didn’t feel like going back to Tirion either. She’d been promised adventure — or at least entertainment. 

In the beginnings of the Woods they had passed a diverging path: one way led deeper into the forest, and the other towards an orchard planted by Vána, which Írissë had never seen. It wasn’t quite the same as a weeks-long expedition, but she supposed she could pass some pleasant hours among the fruit trees while she planned her next move, and Vána’s maia handmaidens who tended them were said to be very beautiful. 

It was as good a plan as any. She mounted her white mare, and headed back to the path. 

The orchard was beautiful. Dozens of trees were almost bent under the weight of so much ripe fruit – plums, peaches, nectarines, apricots, and many more that Írissë had never seen, and couldn’t name. Írissë had imagined only a small group of trees, but the trees were only part of a great green meadow that stretched beyond the horizon – it would take at least a day to cross it. Bare-breasted handmaidens lounged amid the scene, feasting on fruit or gossiping or practising at some craft. One was entertaining a small group with a stringed instrument, picking out a tune that Írissë recognised as one of Elemmirë’s better known compositions. 

She sat alone beneath a plum tree slightly secluded from the rest of the scene, set her horse free to roam the grass, and watched in silence. 

“Please don’t sulk so loudly here,” a sweetly melodic voice said from somewhere unseen, interrupting her thoughts, “you’ll turn the fruit sour.”

Írissë jumped and spun around. “I wasn’t even saying anything!” She cried in her own defence, before looking up and meeting the eyes of the speaker. 

She was wearing the fána of one of the Eldar, but there was something about her that reminded Írissë of a birch tree or a reed. She was tall and long limbed, dark hair spilling down her back, and inkings of vines winding around her arms and legs. She was clad in a grass-stained linen shift, and her feet were muddy and bare. 

Vána the Ever Young was smiling down at her. 

“No, I suppose not… but your thoughts are written all over you.”

Írissë was not sure how she ought to respond to that, so she did not. Vána went on. 

“I know — you wanted to spend some time with your little friend, but he ran off to fuck my husband instead. That’s tough, but worse things have happened — and it’s definitely not worth upsetting my garden over.” 

Írissë smiled, in spite of herself. Of course Oromë’s wife would not be ignorant of anything that happened in the Woods. “What do you propose I do instead, then?” 

Vána smiled back. “Stay a while! There is beauty, food, and entertainment here. You’ll find this is far too lovely a place to be grumpy in for very long.” 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The Valië had a servant bring them a sort of picnic. There were rice balls filled with acidic pickled plums, pale-fleshed peaches bigger than the palm of her hand, an ice-cold bottle of plum wine with two cups. It was all predictably delicious, and she ate quickly, sucking the dregs off her fingers. 

But Írissë was surprised by how much she enjoyed the company. Perhaps her tongue was loosened by the wine, but she found herself laughing easily around Vána as she listened to her describe her appreciation for a new Vanyarin play based on the Ainulindalë, or some of the antics of her favourite maiar. It was true what people said — that she was somewhat flighty and silly, but it was a harmless silliness, and one that Írissë suspected masked a shrewder mind. Once the food was finished, she realised that her earlier mood was gone, and she felt entirely better.

Perhaps she shouldn’t have been surprised when Vána poured the last of the wine into her cup, drank it in one mouthful, and pressed her sugar-sticky lips against Írissë’s. But in truth, she was caught off guard – which was not a feeling that was familiar to her – , and could scarcely respond. 

The Valië pulled back, a slight frown marring her pretty features. “I’m sorry,” she said, “did I misunderstand you? Did you not want…” she trailed off. 

Írissë looked at her again. She looked at Vána’s girlish wild beauty, and thought of her unexpected kindnesses that day, how she had gone to lengths to cheer a strange Eldar woman she had never met. 

“I did want it,” she said, “I do.” 

This time, Írissë leaned forward and kissed her. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The picnic basket was cast aside, the empty wine bottle rolled away, and Vána laid Írissë down gently on the grass, still kissing her. Vána’s lips were soft, as Írissë surely knew they would be, and tasted of the wine and the fruit. As Vána began to trail sucking kisses over her jaw and down her neck, Írissë felt as though she had drunk the whole bottle of wine herself. She felt light and heady. She felt as though she could do anything. 

When Vána’s hands began teasing at the hem of her tunic, a question in her eyes, the feeling only intensified. Írissë nodded, perhaps over-enthusiastically if Vána’s little giggle was anything to go by, but she could not care. Vána pulled off her tunic, baring her breasts; and Írissë, not wishing to wait any longer than she had to, tugged off her own pleated trousers and fumbled with her shoes, leaving herself in only underwear. 

Apparently the stained shift was the only thing that Vána had bothered to wear that day – she tugged it over her head and revealed her naked form, just as pretty as the rest of her. The vine drawings covered her entire body, wrapping around her breasts and torso. 

Írissë didn’t bother pretending not to stare. After all, the Valië was openly staring at her. 

“Can I take these off, too?” she asked, gesturing at Írissë’s underwear.

“Please.”

Vána’s tongue flicked out over her lower lip in appreciation once Írissë was finally naked. “Touch me if you wish,” she murmured, rolling over so that she was braced on her hands and knees, body covering Írissë, “but there’s so much that I want to do to you.” She bent down and kissed her again, hard, as though she wanted to devour her. 

Írissë thought suddenly that she wouldn’t mind being devoured. 

Vána skimmed a delicate hand down her body, leaving gooseflesh rising in her wake, before she reached between her legs. She skimmed over the dark wiry hair that covered her pubic mound, making an interested noise, and reached down, skimming her fingers over her opening, where Írissë knew she would find her wet. 

Vána slid her first finger in easily, Írissë’s body opening up for her as though it was the most natural thing in the world. Gently, she stroked her thumb over the nub of her clit, making her shiver, and Írissë found herself rolling her hips upwards towards the contact. 

A second finger followed. Vána slid the fingers apart, then brought them together, in an unpredictable rhythm that made Írissë pulse hot. And when she stroked one particular spot inside of her, she gasped, and felt herself burning. Adjusting her position slightly, Vána pressed the heel of her hand against Írissë’s clit as she stroked her from the inside out, and Írissë ground downwards, the small of her back arching off the grass, needing the contact. 

She hadn’t even realised that her hands were thrashing about amid the grass before Vána reached up with and caught them both with her free hand – it would have been a surprising show of power for one so seemingly delicate, if it were possible to forget that Vána was a creature who had sung the universe into being. 

“Perhaps I ought to summon up some vines, to hold you down for me properly,” she murmured, and Írissë heard herself whimper. 

“Hmm. It’s certainly something to consider…” the Valië continued, but Írissë scarcely heard her, because Vána chose that moment to grind her palm harder against Írissë’s clit while rubbing against the hottest spot inside of her, and her vision turned white as she came. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Afterwards, Írissë, still naked, gratefully ate through three sweet nectarines that Vána fetched her. She was hungry again -- she was starving. Which felt a little unfair, she thought then, as it seemed that Vána had done all of the work. 

“Um,” she said, “I’m sorry – that I didn’t –” she felt uncharacteristically embarrassed. 

“Don’t worry!” Vána said airily, “it was more than my pleasure to take care of you.” Then she gave her little grin again. “Of course, if you’re really upset about it, you could always stay here a little while. I’m sure you can make it up to me.” 

It seemed that Írissë had found an adventure after all. 

[athleisure-aesthetic]

This is a long post because I went on a few rants, but there are workouts and stuff in there, I promise ;) stay tuned for commentary on vanity sizing and non-scale victories!

April 13 Thursday’s workout was super speedy. Legs and a quick stretching NTC workout. I meant to do curtsy lunges to finish it out, but I was crunched for time and my legs were already burning from the seasaw lunges and step-ups because my bench was higher than a normal one would be. I always get kind of frustrated when my NTC workout ends up being a lowkey stretching one, because I use it to replace cardio for the day. I’m starting to think I should either do more than one or just do cardio anyway. At least I got in a nice half hour walk at lunch; it was much colder than I was expecting since the rest of this week has been so nice! Still pretty out tho. And my skull shirt is badass. The end.

Went to Whole Foods with Ani when I got home to get some goodies for the weekend, and really stuck to my list (which I was proud of, bc that store is a literal TRAP) which included chocolate milk as a post-workout fuel… ASK ME HOW HYPE I AM TO START DRINKING CHOCO MILK AGAIN!!! (very. obviously.) Also started growing a mini protein bar collection because now I’m terrified of not properly fueling post-workout, so now I’m going to have very little excuse not to, since these babies are extremely portable. Just throw one in ya workout bag, and there you go. Don’t even have to remember to get it from my lunch box. I’m finally trying RXBAR and a few Quest Bar flavors (shoutout to @runningwhilenotdying for the suggestion, ty girl!) for now, in addition to the Luna Protein bars I still have. Still going to have to try a few to find out which works best for me.

Legs / butt workout 3x each 15 reps weighted glute bridges, 10# 15 reps goblet squats, 10# 20 reps step ups, alt. sides, 10# 20 reps seasaw lunges, alt. sides 15 reps weighted lying leg curls, 6# 40 s wall sits 10 reps burpee + high jump alternating leg swing stretches instead of curtsy lunges bc I’m a wimpy bitch lol

Listening to: “Under You” by Nick Jonas

April 14 Today is the day John Mayer’s full album is out, something I realized halfway through Friday morning while working from home, so I blasted the FUCK out of it in my apartment and haven’t stopped listening since. Ani took the day off, so it was just me at home designing, which is literally what I wish every work day of my life could be. Making my own schedule, eating and working out whenever I want and not having to worry about when I’m going to finish, not having to talk to people lol.

I decided to workout around 11ish and had to do arms / upper body without weights, which was a bit challenging considering my weak wrists and lack of free weights. BUT I made it, and my wrists weren’t ded afterwards, so I guess I’m building up some strength? Plus check out my schweaty knees, aren’t they purty? It was a dec workout, so hype it. HOWEVER, in the middle of my last set, this awful ringing started in my apartment, which I identified as the fire alarm after panicking for like 2 seconds. Then there was this weirdo announcement in our hallway as if we were in a damn dorm, saying to evacuate asap so I was like o fuck ok let me get my things. Ran outside with my purse and a jacket, ran into the woman who legit hates me and Ani for being loud on the weekend two whole times (fuck her tho it was a Friday and Saturday at like 11pm get your panties out of your ass amirite) and she was like idk what’s going on I’m probably not going downstairs. I was like ????? um if there’s a fire I’m not dying so bye. So I ran down 8 flights of stairs to find no one in the lobby. Sick. It was a false. Alarm. Bc they’re doing construction right in front of the elevators. Motherfuckers. So I had to go back up 8 flights of stairs once I got the approval from the doorman. Thx for the cardio break, how’d you know I needed that? 🙄 Finished my set, worked for a bit longer, then showered and decided I was done working for the day lol.

It was pay day and I was bored so I kinda went a little nuts on a shopping trip. As usual, I mostly bought athleisure, buuuuuuuuuuut there are some significant things about this shopping trip that I must share.

1: I willingly purchased two pairs of athletic shorts. I do not wear anything but leggings to workout in, because I hate the way my legs look, and I usually feel much more mobile and flexible in leggings, even if it’s like 90 degrees out and July. But I tried on two pairs of black shorts, and could actually see myself not only wearing them like to bed, but like… doing active things in them, and being ok with seeing my legs. First #NONSCALEVICTORY o the day.

2: I not only willingly tried on a one piece bathing suit, I tried on two, AND I purchased one. Every person alive knows too well the personal torture of trying on bathing suits, especially in dressing rooms that have awful fluorescent lighting that does not flatter anyone. But for some reason I was in a good mood about my bod (perhaps after the shorts win), so I grabbed two suits and said to myself, fuck it, don’t feel bad about yourself, but do not get your hopes up. This could go great, or it could not. Don’t let this be a reflection of how hard you’ve been working. It might just not fit, that’s not your fault. BUT THEY BOTH FIT REALLY DECENTLY OK. The one was like bright red and v scandalous and tbh I did not have the boobs to fill out that sucker. So despite it fitting ok, I couldn’t go with it. But the other was stripey and rouchey and pretty comfortable, so I was like welp. I need at least one suit for the summer, and can’t picture myself using any of the ones from last summer, and I don’t feel like total crap in this. So. I bought it!

3: I purchased at least one thing of every size (S, M, L, and XL), which proves that sizing is fake and literally doesn’t fucking matter. I like all my tops a little baggy and all of my bottoms tight (except those shorts I ended up getting, but who knew I would even buy shorts…). That’s just my personal preference style-wise. I went to four different stores, and ended up getting clothing that fit me, but when I was ripping the tags off when I got home, I noticed that all the sizes were different. I bought a shirt from Uniqlo (AMAZING STORE, btw, never been before today) that was a size small, which is something I haven’t done in like literally maybe 7-8 years. I also bought a cropped sweatshirt from Marshall’s in XL, even though I thought it was a large when I bought it. Either way, it’s not like my body morphed mid-shopping trip. I was the same size all day, but the stores decided I was all over the place. This just makes me a, hate the fashion industry for forcing this imaginary 00 system and ideals of size-shaming on us, but also b, feel better about myself because I know that I can’t be reliant on just being one size. I used to think of my weightloss in terms of pants sizes. Like last Friday when I was wearing actual pants, they were 12s. But like. A 12 at one store could be a 16 at another, or an 8. I used to say, oh I just want to be down to a consistent 8. That would be the perfect amount of weight to lose. If I get there, I’ll know that I’m good. But I’m really starting to see that that number and that size doesn’t exist. There is no universe in which an 8 at every store will fit the same. So judging yourself on a system that’s literally impossible to fit into is just a recipe for hurt and shame. So now I’m just gonna grab any size that looks like it’ll fit. It’s still not fun to see a higher number, but that’s going to be a mindset I have to get myself out of, and this post is proof that it doesn’t matter. I want to base my happiness with my fitness on phyiscal progress: what I can DO with my body, not just how it looks in the clothes I inevitably have to wear. But today, for a few reasons, I felt really good, and I’m proud to have seen not only one, but a few non-scale wins. Hype it the FUCK up.

Whew. That was a lot, sorry. I almost feel like a doing a ~haul~ like I’m on some fashion youtube channel, I bought so many fun things. But whatever, I doubt anyone cares about that except me lolol.

Honestly sometimes I think I just like to buy some things because I’m happy they fit me, not because I need them or are in love with them. Is that weird? I feel like I’m a pretty specific shape (very short and curvy, but not curvy everywhere), so when I find something I actually think fits me, I usually just say, yeah I’ll wear this. I definitely am spending too much money that way, but it’s nice to feel like a lot of things are fitting me well for once.

Arms / upper body workout 3x each 20 reps shoulder taps, alt. sides 10 reps pushups 20 reps walk outs + twist, alt. sides 10 reps tricep dips 50 reps arm circles forward 50 reps arm circles backward 20 reps lat pull downs + shoulder squeeze 35s, 40s, 45s plank 10 reps decline push ups 10 reps burpee + high jump + 5 jumping jacks PLUS 8 flights of stairs when my fucking fire alarm went off and the elevator didn’t work 🙃

Listening to: “Burlesque” by Christina Aguilera OR the Voices in Your Head a cappella version, both are fun

April 15 I was hella nervous for my run today; 6 miles seemed like a lot to me, and after last week’s long run on the treadmill, it had been a while since I’d done a long one outside. The last time I finished a long run outside, I felt like death. So this time I wanted to be really prepared; I read some articles and youtube videos on how to run longer without like dying, and made sure to focus on my breathing and warmup. Once I left my apartment, I didn’t start my timed run for about 10ish minutes but still ran slow to get my legs ready. Then I did some of the moves from the videos, and set off. Today I went towards the art museum and Kelly Drive for the first time, which was definitely busy for a Saturday morning, but it was kinda gray out and mid-50s which is like perfect running weather. I felt really good for like literally the whole run, and I couldn’t tell if it was the new place, good music, or what, but I was surprised at how quickly the miles came and went. I stopped at 4.56 miles to take the picture in front of the art museum, walked briskly up the hill to the building, then ran the rest of the way on the rest of the Schuykill River Trail and back towards home. I finished a little ways away from home and was inspired by a boy who seemed to be blind or albino who was running with a small leash with a girl, and continued jogging all the way home. So I really totalled something like 7.10 miles and they felt GREAT which is INSANE for me. Like that’s so many miles. And I haven’t run that far in so long, and they actually felt GOOD??? Like who am I?

I rewarded myself with a cinnamon roll protein shake, a little more shopping (I ended up getting the black Nike Tanjuns for anyone who saw my post last night lol), and Chick-Fil-A nuggets for lunch. Was considering making this day a cheat day when I saw the Chick-Fil-A, but I was good and only got the nuggets. My resolve was tested when I saw a girl with a Rita’s cup right when I got home and I wanted to be like OMG GIRL WHERE IS THERE A RITA’s AROUND HERE???!??! But clearly I held myself back.

Guess that means more Easter chocolate for me tomorrow hayyyyyy

6.02 mi 10'20" min / mi

Listening to: “Hair” by Little Mix