#despite me having like 5 different risk factors

[unsuspectingfish]

I don’t know, man, I think it’s kind of fucked up that I have to constantly live with the fact that not even my own home is safe, because my roommate stopped caring about COVID like 5 months after they moved in, and they’re dating someone who never cared, so the one place I should be able to relax unmasked is the place most likely to kill me, but I’ll also never be able to afford to live on my own because a studio cost almost as much as our 2-bedroom.

But freedom and whatnot, I guess.

[covid-safer-hotties]

Study puts understanding of long COVID and vaccination into question - Published Sept 4, 2024

This article highlights why I haven't been celebrating about recent findings that vaccination reduces long covid:

We still do not have a solid definition of what long covid is.

We still don't know how long it takes some people to develop long covid: Some people develop long covid symptoms months or even years after infection.

Many are undiagnosed with long covid because of a lack of understanding in the medical community.

The reduction stated in initial studies on vaccination and long covid cited about 30% reduction: That isn't enough for me to take off my mask.

Dr. Ziyad Al-Aly has been somewhat off his game in recent months, giving in to hope and showing signs of pandemic fatigue. His desire to be done with the pandemic may be tainting what he writes, in my opinion. As there is no cure for long covid (and we still don't know exactly what causes and perpetuates it), it seems silly to suggest that vaccination is a long covid silver bullet while cases continue to skyrocket worldwide.

I'm a non-medical observer, but I keep track of the latest studies and news, so I'm not totally uninformed, but take this blurb with a gain or two of salt. I could be wrong, but it doesn't look that way yet.

A new study from researchers at the Mayo Clinic suggests that being vaccinated against COVID-19 does little to prevent long COVID.

The findings contradict what has become conventional wisdom in the last 3 years—that vaccines offer a chance to significantly reduce the risk of long COVID, or new or persistent symptoms 3 months or more after infection, most likely by reducing the severity of infection.

Melanie Swift, MD, MPH, was the lead author of the study, which was published in Open Forum Infectious Diseases. She said despite the current thinking that vaccines reduce the risk of developing long COVID, she wasn’t surprised she found no association.

"A lot of the early literature on long COVID was really defining long COVID through patient surveys," Swift told CIDRAP News. Swift’s study instead relied on participants having received a long COVID diagnosis from a physician after having a documented case of post-vaccination COVID-19 infection.

6.9% developed long COVID The study was based on the electronic records of 41,652 people aged 5 years or older with SARS-CoV-2–positive polymerase chain reaction (PCR) tests between February 2021 and December 2022 and a diagnosis of long COVID 30 days to 6 months following infection.

The average age of patients was 41 years, 55.2% were female, and 90.7% were White. At the time of initial infection, 9,744 (23.4 %) were vaccinated with two doses of mRNA COVID-19 vaccine, and 7,658 (18.4 %) had received more than two mRNA doses.

A total of 8.2% of patients required hospitalization for COVID-19, and most infections occurred during the Delta and Omicron eras (39.8% and 47.1%, respectively).

In total, 6.9% of patients were diagnosed as having long COVID, with no observed difference between unvaccinated patients, those vaccinated with two doses of an mRNA vaccine, and those with more than two doses.

Long COVID was associated with older age, female sex, and hospitalization for the initial infection. It was inversely associated with infection during the Omicron period, the authors wrote.

Swift said that vaccines still play a role in preventing long COVID. “If you don’t get COVID, you don’t get long COVID," she said. "It remains the most important medical tools in our arsenal by virtue of not getting COVID and severe COVID, but we can’t stop there and say ‘if you were vaccinated, you don’t have to worry about long COVID.’”

Confounding factors and health behaviors Clifford Rosen, MD, a senior scientist at the MaineHealth Institute for Research, has reviewed studies on long COVID and vaccines. He said the current study may be skewed because of its sample size.

"It’s a small cohort that is relatively homogeneous and likely has different healthcare behavior than other EHR [electronic health record] studies," Rosen said. Instead, he said long COVID studies done based on Veterans Affairs (VA) data offer a more heterogenous cohort.

Ziyad Al-Aly, MD, chief of research and development at the VA St Louis Health Care System and a clinical epidemiologist at Washington University, has been behind most VA studies on long COVID.

He just published a review of evidence showing that vaccination reduces the risk of long COVID. While the effect size varies by 15% to 70%, there is an estimated average reduction of 40% to 50%, almost universally.

He said he found Swift’s study surprising and said it likely suffers from one main confounding factor: The type of patient who seeks out a long-COVID diagnosis likely uses healthcare and is vaccinated.

Al-Aly said vaccination may help reduce some clusters of long-COVID symptoms better than others. Fore maple, his work has shown a "profound effect in pulmonary symptoms of COVID, and less on metabolic effects on long COVID.”

Though more research needs be done on long COVID and vaccination, Al-Aly remains confident that vaccines play an important role in reducing the risk of long COVID.

[jmflowers]

I just accomplished a bunch of things I needed to do before bed, so I vote we celebrate with an instalment of "I wrote this stuff and then discarded it from Risk"!

In trying to figure out how to have the dad thing factor into the story, I wrote like 5 or 6 different iterations of it coming to light. This is one version that I liked but decided against using because I wanted Risk to be told entirely from Carina's third-person point of view and this negated that. It was super fun to explore the relationship between the kids as teenagers, though, and this push-and-shove dialogue has become the backbone of writing them in their older years.

We'll call this: "prompt #17" (I guess). You can read it below the cut...

Despite their best efforts, Andrea and Beatrice haven’t quite managed to cover the entire kitchen table with their combined homework. A small patch of wood peeks out from the space between them, untouched by the wide array of tech they’ve spread out. Andrea groans, slamming a finger against the backspace button on his keyboard as he rubs at his forehead.

It’s become a routine now that high school requirements are plaguing them both. Quiet Friday evenings before the moms get home are perfect for sluffing through as much schoolwork as possible. Andrea misses the days of cartoons and popcorn, though; when they’d sneak all the sugar they could before grown-up eyes came through the door with dinner and disapproval.

“You getting anything done?” he sighs, leaning back on the kitchen chair to get a better view of his little sister.

Beatrice is hunched over her tablet, the stylus in her hand swirling around in mindless circles. She exhales loudly. “I think if I doodle any more, I’ll have to go pro.”

That settles it. Andrea closes his laptop, finally admitting defeat. “How was practice?” he asks as he rises from the table, crossing the kitchen in search of something to clear his head.

“It was good,” Beatrice answers, the stylus still swirling. “Coach says my arms are getting better.”

Andrea pulls open the fridge, scanning the contents for something that isn’t better suited for a life inside a protein shake. Unsurprisingly, he comes up short. “You’re supposed to run with your legs,” he jokes, switching his attention to the freezer.

“Ha, ha,” Beatrice says, tossing the stylus onto the tabletop and turning around in her chair to watch as Andrea digs through the freezer. “There’s some gelato under the peas if Mama didn’t finish it already,” she suggests.

“Yes!” Andrea rejoices as he uncovers their prize. He pushes the freezer closed with his foot at the same time as he stretches to grab two spoons from the cutlery drawer, his long limbs already rehearsed in years of this kitchen tango.

Beatrice accepts a spoon as he drops into the chair next to her, depositing the gelato container on the empty corner of the table. They’re quiet for a moment, both shoveling oversized scoops into their mouths. It’s not quite as good as the gelato they’d had last summer in Italy but it’s sweet and cold and not homework.

“There was a scout at practice today,” Beatrice murmurs after a while, once the brain freeze has slowed her shoveling.

“Oh yeah?” Andrea answers, still focused on his spoon.

“Yeah,” Beatrice nods, “Kate says they’re probably looking at the juniors already.” She draws her bottom lip into her mouth, chewing on it slowly as she thinks.

Her brother notices that, though, smirking as he shoves the gelato tub in her direction again. “That make you nervous?”

She scoffs, shoving it back. “I’m a freshman.”

Andrea shrugs, pulling the tub into his lap as he scoops up the final few bites. “Crazier things have happened, B.”

“He talked to me,” she whispers, fingers dancing across her spoon with the jitters of nerves and excitement and confusion. “He knew my name… Me.”

For the first time since he’d started eating, Andrea stills, spoonful of gelato halfway to his mouth. He gathers himself again quickly, shoving it between his lips and standing up. “Just the one scout?” he asks, “Isn’t there usually a few scheduled to visit a meet or something?”

“Andrea,” Beatrice groans, throwing her head back against the chair, “I didn’t ask for three parents.” She flips her spoon up into the air above her head, catching it before it can collide with her face. “He just came over and talked to a few of us while we were stretching. It was nice.”

“Okay,” Andrea shrugs, leaning over the sink with the now-empty gelato tub.

“It doesn’t matter, anyways,” Beatrice continues, flipping the spoon again, “He’s a long-distance coach and I’m a sprinter. It’s basically two different sports.”

Andrea turns on the tap, rinsing the tub slowly beneath the steady stream of water. “Long-distance?” he asks, swallowing roughly.

“Yeah,” Beatrice laughs, “Mom probably would’ve loved to talk to him. They could’ve gotten each other all riled up about endurance and race snacks.” She flips the spoon once more, but her aim is off just a little and it misses her grasp, clattering against the tile floor.

Andrea jumps at the sound.

Beatrice sighs, rolling off her chair to retrieve it. “He even said he’d trained an athlete who went to the Olympics,” she chuckles as she strolls across the kitchen, dropping her dirty spoon in the sink. “Isn’t that crazy?”

“Yeah,” Andrea whispers, “Crazy.”

~

It’s a typical Friday night dinner; takeout containers spread across the table, Beatrice babbling away animatedly about her day and forgetting to eat. Andrea sits at the other end, more focused on his meal than the chatter, quiet until his little sister finally relinquishes her hold on their mother’s attention.

Carina watches as it unfolds, as Maya nods along to everything their daughter has to say even though she’s probably only half-listening, as those familiar blue eyes of her wife’s dart up every few minutes to find her own. They’ve barely had an hour together in the same place all week, between the track meet and their work schedules and Andrea’s college fair, the requirements of motherhood taking precedence as usual.

“And what did Mr. Harcourt say?” Maya prompts, smirking as the question launches Beatrice into another tirade, their daughter barely pausing for breath as she tells the story.

Carina finds herself looking to Andrea instead, analyzing the slope of his shoulders as he hunches over his plate. He’s been not quite himself all evening: his smile not quite reaching his eyes, his posture not quite as upright, his fingers busy tapping at his thighs more than is typical.

When Maya looks her way again, she holds her gaze, left eyebrow lifting as she tips her head towards their son. Maya frowns in response, her jaw shifting side to side in acknowledgement. Something on his mind.

They’ve been looking at colleges for a few months now and the process has been weighing on him, Carina knows. Even though he still has time to decide, he can’t seem to settle on a major, which makes picking a school more difficult, and the added pressure just seems to be dragging him down.

Their sweet, sensitive boy has never been one to flourish amidst change.

“Andrea,” Carina interrupts, halting the string of Beatrice’s thought before she can launch into another tale of freshman drama, “How was your day?”

He shrugs, eyes still on his plate. “It was fine, Mama.”

“Lots of homework?” Maya presses, reaching across the table as if she’s only half-focused on him, too.

“Yeah,” he breathes, “That essay is due on Monday.” He bookends the sentence with a forkful of chicken, taking his time to chew.

“You got a lot done earlier, though,” Beatrice pipes up, tossing him a wide grin from the opposite end of the table, “Didn’t you?”

Andrea nods, still chewing.

“Was that before or after you got into my gelato stash?” Maya teases, lifting her own fork in accusation. Beatrice’s nose crinkles in response, those big brown eyes of hers sparkling with mischief. Andrea smirks, his cheeks colouring.

“My gelato,” Carina corrects, leaning into the banter in the hopes that it’ll lower Andrea’s guard for at least a few minutes. A good joke can do that sometimes; drag down his armour long enough to get out what’s racing through his mind.

It warms her inside, this intimacy of their family. That Maya, too, knows that letting Beatrice talk through all of dinner will mean their daughter can settle into the calm of their home with a clear head. That Andrea needs laughter when his mind is swirling through a scenario he can’t work out on his own. That even now, when their children are teenagers who sit at either ends of the table, they can still read them, still decipher them, still look at each other and communicate the rhythm needed to reach them both.

It's intoxicating, this synchronicity, and it makes her want to lean across the table and pull Maya into a kiss.

“I’m the one who hid it,” Maya argues.

“But you hide everything in the same spot,” Beatrice bickers right back.

“Yeah, cause none of you ever touch the peas!”

“Why don’t you tell Moms about the scout, B?” Andrea suggests, derailing their banter. He looks up expectantly when he says it, wide eyes and an encouraging smile filling his face as he stares at his sister.

Carina watches as Beatrice squints at him, clearly attempting to deduce his motive.

“A scout?” Maya asks, eyebrows rising comically high up her forehead, “At practice?”

“Uh, yeah,” Beatrice nods, still focused on her brother, “Getting an early look at the juniors, I guess.”

“Sophomores, too, probably,” Maya adds.

Beatrice pales at the suggestion, her bottom lip disappearing between her teeth. Unlike Andrea, their not-so-little girl has a pretty solid idea of where she’d like to go after high school, already watching as the seniors embark on the track scholarship pipeline she’s begun dreaming of. It’s not pressure, she’d assured them all over dinner a few weeks ago, Just a goal.

“But he was a long-distance coach, right?” Andrea continues, feigning nonchalance. He falls a little flat of his target, though, his eyes flicking upwards to Beatrice’s face too often to not declare the obviousness of intent behind his question. “Didn’t you say he coached someone who went to the Olympics?”

Maya stills immediately, the muscles in her arms tightening so minutely Carina’s certain she’d have missed it if there weren’t decades of memorizing her wife under her belt. There’s a tightness in Maya’s jaw when she goes searching for her gaze, every inch of her body suddenly on high alert.

Andrea swallows roughly beside his mother. “What was his name again?” he asks.

Beatrice shrugs, completely oblivious to the rising temperature at the table. “I don’t know, something obnoxiously running-related,” she grins as the memory resurfaces, digging back into her food with a renewed vigor, “Kate kept snickering about it after.”

“Track?” Andrea suggests.

Blonde hair swishes as Beatrice shakes her head, food finally making its way into her mouth. She doesn’t answer as she chews but her eyes flick up towards the ceiling, attempting to remember.

“Dash?” Carina murmurs, watching as Maya’s throat bobs.

“Mmm-mmm,” Beatrice hums.

Maya’s mouth opens slowly, her fingers tensed on the tabletop. Her voice is flat when she speaks, so cold and so un-Maya that it makes Carina shiver. “Lane?”

“Yeah!” Beatrice laughs, “Can you imagine? I think I’d rather be named starting block or sprint.” She brushes a wisp of loose hair behind her ear, somehow still unaware of the change in energy occurring around the table.

Forever in her own little world, their Beatrice.

Andrea, however, ducks his chin, abandoning his fork on the table as he shifts backwards in his chair. Maya doesn’t look at him, doesn’t look anywhere but at the plate in front of herself, muscles winding themselves tighter and tighter with every second.

He’d asked about his grandfather the summer before last, when a traipse through the basement for some camping supplies had unearthed a photo album he’d never seen before. The pictures had been cute and untroubling at first; braids and braces and Maya’s triumphant grin. Until Andrea had turned to the last page and Carina had caught sight of Lane Bishop for the first time in more than 15 years.

She’d tried to tread carefully around the subject. Tried to convey as gently as she could the reason their children have never known their grandfather, the reason that Maya never speaks his name in their home. But he’s receptive, their son, and far smarter than she sometimes knows what to do with.

Andrea understood it seemed, even then, that Lane Bishop wasn’t a person to ask his mom about, nor a name to blab to his little sister. Carina had been grateful when he’d tucked it away inside his mind, despite the swirl of guilt in her gut at her own selfishness. There’d been too many years of therapy, she’d rationed, too much time spent burying his memory to dig it back out again.

Only, Andrea doesn’t forget.

And Maya’s father will probably always be a festering wound.

“You are not to speak to that scout,” Maya manages through a jaw so tight her mouth barely opens.

Beatrice scoffs, the sound dying only when she finally looks up at her mother in the millisecond before she’s about to protest. Her brow furrows, eyes darting around the table as she takes in the tension that’s looped its way into everyone else. “Oh… kay,” she mumbles, “What did I miss?”

Maya swallows and it looks so painful Carina feels her heart clench in response. The desire to reach for Maya flares loudly, a voice screaming in her head to grab her hand or round the table to pull her into her arms. But it won’t help, Carina knows, won’t do anything but speed up the inevitable unraveling or spark the explosion.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” Andrea whispers.

“It’s okay,” Maya exhales, “You didn’t do anything.”

Beatrice squints, her shoulders hiking up towards her ears with sudden nerves. “Did… did I do something?” she murmurs.

“No,” Carina soothes, reaching for Beatrice’s hand instead. She squeezes at their daughter’s fingers and smiles as softly as she can manage, suddenly desperate to spin time backwards a few minutes. “We just…” She trails off, unsure what to say.

Maya swallows again, drawing in a slow breath. “I need a minute,” she mutters, rising from the table. She’s gone in a second, disappearing up the stairs and leaving the wide, panicked looks of their children in her wake.

“It’s okay,” Carina soothes immediately, patting Beatrice’s hand, “You didn’t do anything wrong.” She reaches for Andrea as she gets up, too, leaning over to press a kiss against the top of his head. “Either of you.”

The voice in her head is getting louder, screaming that Maya needs her.

“Should I go check on her?” Andrea asks. It really is a family curse, the incessant need to take care of others; it’s printed into Andrea’s DNA, even though she didn’t mean to put it there.

“No,” Carina murmurs.

Even though she meant to shield them both from this.

“I’ve got her.”

[ofthenoseclan]

favorite and least favorite touhou games and why (cast? gameplay? story? tell me.)

hiii tyty

fave games are shinreibyou (13) and danmaku amanojaku (14.3) for different reasons

13 has the largest amount of cast members im very attached to on average in a single game, its visual aesthetic and its ost's soundfont are huge favourites of mine, its introduction of taoism as a major player in the religion war arc is interesting, and it completes the plot setup for the events of touhou gumonkuju ~ symposium of post-mysticism. which is my favourite written work in the franchise if you dont count the concept records. plus it reintroduces spell practice for the first time since 8 which is a godsend. i dont really love the divine spirit/trance mode gimmick and i think its pretty half-baked in execution but everything else about the game besides the gameplay makes up for that. and also it created my fave ship hehehe.

14.3 however is my fave in terms of gameplay, its concept is so fun and executed perfectly and i had a blast with it. its a spinoff where the idea is you are up against danmaku patterns that are impossible to dodge normally, but you are still able to "cheat" by using items that let you delete patches of bullets, wrap around to the opposite side of the screen, turn invincible for a split second, etc. HOWEVER none of the bullet patterns are ever actually impossible, theyre just extremely challenging with a super low margin for error, so trying to see if you can solve the danmaku patterns without using your "cheats" adds an extra risk reward factor and turns the experience into a bit of a puzzle game. its sick as hell. a no-items run is planned for this years gdq if that sounds interesting

LEAST fave games are probably koumakyou (6) and kikeijuu (17)

6 because its just. not very good despite the hype for it. its clunky and unpolished but not in a way thats charming to me like the pc98 games are, and its plot feels extremely out of place with the tone of the windows era. theres no political satire or subtext its just a cheesy run of the mill shmup. if i want what 6 offers ill play a cave game or something instead

17 because as much as i adore that titles story and subtext and worldbuilding and all the things it plays around with conceptually from the bottom of my heart, jesus CHRIST that is a visual overload nightmare of a game. i dont have photosensitivity issues and it still made me sick. there is no justifying such bright flashing backgrounds like 17s that late into zuns career its worse than some of the stuff in 5s backgrounds (sorry 5 ily despite this). that coupled with the fact that you have 3 separate coloured giant flashing power ups on the screen all the time with the wolf/eagle/otter spirits makes it hell on the eyes. its so weird how this is the only windows era game that has these eyestrain problems but they made me have to give up trying to finish it, let alone do a 1cc run. please zun never do something like that again

[hyen09]

Blog#1

To be honest, I find it incredibly hard to brainstorm and have discussions with other members of my group because we don't know what kind of product would actually make a big difference in the community. Because there are so many products and services on the market right now, we feel as though the thing we had in mind already exists.

Each member of our eight-person group is tasked with conducting an interview with eight different people in order to gather information about what people are looking for in terms of change and the difficulties they encounter on a daily basis when trying to come up with ideas for new projects. We were able to interview with 64 distinct individuals in all. Because Messenger is the most convenient choice for both me and the interviewee, I used it as my primary means of communication during doing the interview.

We conduct interviews despite the fact that we are at a loss for ideas and have not yet developed a product to market. Interviews were done with students at Central Mindanao University that I knew from my high school senior year. This is so that I may learn more about the difficulties they encounter and assess whether or not their problems are the same or different in their distinct fields.

Our group decides what questions to ask during the interview because we have no idea what kind of business to launch or what product to create.

The results of the following inquiries included:

1. What problems do you encounter in your daily work?

2. As a consumer, what is the current demand for products in the marketplace?

3. What factors are most important to you when deciding to purchase from a new business?

4. What current problems exist in the field of agriculture, medicine, and education that needs to be solve?

5. Upon evaluating the problems encountered in the fields, do you have any product suggestions that can be launched in the marketplace?

We would like to know more about the experiences that our interviewee has on a regular basis. They are customers, and since we believed that customers select items according to the specific issues they face, we determined that our venture proposal's content would be determined by their response. We believed that customers choose products based on certain difficulties they face because they are customers. We also want to focus on the areas of agriculture, education, and medical, so we question them about the difficulties they have and follow up to see if they have any recommendations for how these problems could be solved.

The significant majority of respondents agreed that the majority of problems are located in the agriculture sector when we finished our interviews and collected all of the data. Their primary issue, which is the rising price of rice, is said to be caused by a combination of reasons, including the growing cost of producing crops and the price of fertilizer. Having high-efficiency organic fertilizers that can boost crop output while posing less of an environmental risk is the general answer they suggest we use to solve this issue.

[quietboiblog]

Entry 5: Me, Myself, and Others: Development of Values, Principles and Ideologies, Love and Attraction, and Risk Taking Behavior and Peer Influences

It is often said that we are the average of the 5 people that we hang out with and I partly agree with this. Man is a social animal. We are beings that inherently seek to interact with other people and more often than not, the people we associate ourselves with have a huge impact on our personality and behavior. This module tackled topics that most young adults could relate to like development of our values, love in its various aspects, and the significant influence of peers on an individual. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhU9MZ98jxo

This module reminded me of the song Paris by The Chainsmokers since the song gave of a free spirit vibe reminding me of old times in high school where I would do crazy and risky stuff with my friends. 

Similar to the previous module, this module also highlights the importance of culture and how it affects the formation of values. Filipinos are known to have unique values since it’s a country that has been colonized multiple times.  It was really refreshing to know the Filipino values that I was unfamiliar with. What really stood out for me was the Filipino value of “bahala na” . Initially I thought it was just an expression for recklessness, a saying before doing something you might end up regretting because I often hear people say “bahala na si batman” before doing questionable things. To my surprise, it also meant having done all that you could possibly do beforehand which makes worrying about things meaningless. Filipinos are known for our resiliency and for being able to wear a smile despite any situation. This, in a way, is an attempt of Filipinos to make the unfavorable situations lighthearted. It also tackled love but only in the romantic lens. It would have been beneficial to also extend the limitation of love towards friends and family. Although it was enlightening to know the different stages, causes, and types of romantic love, love is not limited to romantic partners. Lastly, it also tackled peer pressure and risk-taking. Going back to what I said at the beginning, although our peers have a significant impact on shaping who we are, eventually we still have to hold accountability for ourselves. Part of this module mentioned that smoking, drinking, and sexual activities are beneficial to teens as it is a means of getting acceptance and respect. I fully disagree with this concept since now people are more aware of the drastic consequences of substance abuse and acts of delinquency are not the marks of a true adult. In relation, peers  are one of the main factors of risk-taking behavior. There are negative and positive types of peer pressure. This only solidified my belief that being peer pressured is a choice since there is always an option to do better. 

 Overall  this module was an eye-opener and somewhat nostalgic experience since it tackled topics that I have experienced (still). It’s content was easy to digest despite having 3 separate topics.

[awfullydxpeched2]

Topics I am researching for a future assignment:

Music and culture

The experience of being a fan of music

Fandom and music

The importance of fans in music

Why music is one of the most important things in my life

Why 1980s music is one of the most innovative decades

Goth isn't dead, it's just underground

A History of Darkwave music

A history of Depeche Mode's enduring passionate fanbase, despite their underground status

2. Something I did this week: 

I went to lunch with my dad at Burger Patch in Davis. It's one of my favorite restaurants, especially as a vegan. It was good to see him. I'm very close to my dad, and ever since I moved out last October to Davis it's been difficult not being able to see him as often so it was good to have lunch with him and spend time with him.

3.

 Two quotes: 

“And while it remains difficult to forecast how technology trends will play out, business leaders can plan ahead better by watching the development of new technologies, anticipating how companies could utilize them, and understanding the factors that impact innovation and adoption.” (Analytics Insight)

“These represent the upcoming shift in application design and development, where consumers will utilise a single app to manage the majority of systems in an enterprise ecosystem. Over 50% of the world’s population will utilise superapps on a daily basis, predicts Gartner.” (Analytics Insight)

4.

 This week I am researching the Tubbs fire, for my American Studies Seminar on Natural Disasters. I am writing a paper on the wildfire and the communication methods used in communicating the imminent danger of the wildfire to local communities in 2017. I am using these resources: 

Gabbert, Bill. "Kincade Fire burns into two fires from 2017." Wildfire Today. October 29, 2019. https://wildfiretoday.com/tag/tubbs-fire/ Links to an external site. Accessed February 1, 2023. 

 Barber, Phil. "A Walk in the Ashes of the Tubbs Fire: Five years after Sonoma County's worst disaster." The Press Democrat. October 3, 2022. https://www.pressdemocrat.com/article/news/a-walk-in-the-ashes-of-the-tubbs-fire-five-years-later-in-sonoma-county/ Links to an external site.  Accessed February 2, 2023. 

5. Links to five or more discovered resources (including articles, podcasts, books, websites)

6. Response to a compelling paragraph from a news story concerning Silicon Valley: Get Ready to Meet the ChatGPT Clones

"Last week, LLaMA, an AI model developed by Meta—and similar to the one at the core of ChatGPT—was leaked online after being shared with some academic researchers. The system could be used as a building block in the creation of a chatbot, and its release sparked worry among those who fear that the AI systems known as large language models, and chatbots built on them like ChatGPT, will be used to generate misinformation or automate cybersecurity breaches. Some experts argue that such risks may be overblown, and others suggest that making the technology more transparent will in fact help others guard against misuses."

This paragraph stood out to me, particularly the part about the fear of it spreading misinformation. I think this is a valid concern; with the AI's ability to generate its own content in response to a user-generated question, a question created with the intent of creating misinformation, I think this could be a problem when it comes to politics.

7. Response to an assigned reading: https://journalism.columbia.edu/best-journalism-advice

I really enjoyed reading the advice given in this article. The one that stood out to me the most was the idea of doing in depth research before, and doing in depth interviews. When I started doing journalism I think that was something I underestimated a little, which is why I struggled with some pieces at first. I think with some time, I realized that doing proper interviews and research will help a story idea appear with ease, and this is now something I apply to all writing, not necessarily just journalism, and have found ideas come much more easier to me now.

8. An anecdote about something you did this week:

I started meeting up with my boyfriend at the Shields Library Reading Room to do study sessions on Monday and Wednesday's from 12:00 to 1:30 before going to journalism. It's been a way to spend time together while doing other things, but has been also a way for me to learn more about him as a student and his interests in relation to his major, and to understand him more intellectually as we've been having conversations about linguistic anthropology and I understand a new subject more, as well as his passions.

[decaffeinatedpeachwinner]

What the Heck Is how long does it take to charge a delta 8 pen?

Not known Details About Weed Light: An Exploratory Study Of Delta-8 Thc

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[allthingslinguistic]

How we made a better podcast website for Lingthusiasm

We recently redesigned the website for Lingthusiasm, a podcast that's enthusiastic about linguistics which I've been making along with Lauren Gawne and a team of excellent people for the past 5 years. 

As part of the process, we did a lot of research and thinking into what a podcast website could and should contain. The more I talked with people about what their goals are when visiting the website of a podcast, the more appreciation I developed for website design as a way of communicating with people. Just like how we design a Lingthusiasm episode itself to bring people through an interesting linguistics topic regardless of their level of familiarity with previous episodes or with linguistics in general, a podcast website needs to work for multiple types of visitor. 

We'd been meaning to redo our website for 2 of those 5 years. And the more I talked about this project with other people, the more people I found who also had a website they'd been meaning to make, or revamp, or had recently made or revamped. In the process of researching what podcast website visitors want and trying to find great podcast websites to model ourselves on, we learned that many podcast websites aren't actually as useful as they could be, so I decided to write up what we did and what we learned, in the hopes that it'll be useful to other people who are interested in podcasts or web design more generally. 

Or, if you prefer clickbait summaries, You'll Never Believe We Made This Website Using Tumblr! (Ahem. Sorry about that.) Here’s a little preview:  

A Theory of Opacity

The Problem

The Background

The Research

The Goal

The Design

The Implementation

The Results

The Takeaways

The Thanks

Step 1: A Theory of Opacity

Podcasts have what's often called a discoverability problem: it's hard for prospective listeners who might like a particular podcast to know what's out there. 

I propose, however, that this problem is not unique to podcasts, and that we could understand the nature of this problem better by calling it opacity: the degree to which you're able to try before you buy without committing a substantial chunk of time, money, or effort. For example, books have a higher opacity than newspapers, despite both being text, because it's easier to read through some news articles before buying a physical paper or online subscription. Books, even when you can leaf through the first few pages, are often designed to be a unified rather than a modular experience, so you don't know before committing to it if the premise that seems intriguing on page 1 is going to pay off well a few chapters later. Even if you're getting access to the book itself as a gift or a loan, the time that it takes to figure out whether you're enjoying it is still rather daunting. Similarly, buying a product in a store often gives it a lower opacity than buying the same product online, especially items like clothing. 

The opacity of a product is a big factor in how you need to think about connecting it with the people who might be interested in it. My local grocery store does not need to invest effort in figuring out how to reduce my opacity with respect to, say, lemons, because I already know what a lemon tastes like and what I might use it for and the lemons available to me in Canada are all really much of a muchness as far as quality goes. Anyone who has somehow made it to adulthood without trying a lemon can already do so in a very low-risk way by ordering most cold drinks at a restaurant, so further free lemon samples probably aren't going to move the needle much and they should try a different marketing strategy. But, if the grocery store starts stocking a fruit that hasn't been commonly available in Canada (say, soursop), or which is commonly available but comes in widely varying qualities (like peaches), they would probably find it helps with sales to reduce the opacity of the fruit — by providing free samples, cutting one open so I can see what it looks like inside, providing selection instructions on how to know when it's ripe, or even hand-selling me on why I might want to try it (as happened to me many years ago with Honeycrisp apples).

In mature markets, you can often tell the opacity of a product category by noticing which ones have opacity-reducing ecosystems around them. Books have tons of factors which aim to reduce their opacity, from the blurbs and cover art on the book itself to the reviews and recommendations in the broader book ecosystem. It would be sort of ridiculous to imagine an ecosystem like this around newspapers (hey, seven public intellectuals have each written a sentence about why you should try the New York Times! here's my top 10 list of newspapers you should try this summer!). 

Podcasts are also relatively opaque, because of their length and the increased demands of the audio format, even though they're often free. And one big thing that's opaque about podcasts is the question of why the podcast website exists in the first place.  

Step 2: The Problem

The first problem that needs to be solved when considering a podcast website is figuring out who it's for. See, the normal way that most people interact with most podcasts, most of the time, is through their chosen podcast app. I see this at conferences: people who've had an interesting conversation with me and are excited to find out I have a podcast will pull out their phones, search for the podcast name in their app, and follow it right from the app, no website involved at all. This is why many podcasts don't really have great websites, and sometimes even don't have a website at all, because you can really can get away with it for a while.

But getting away with something doesn't mean it's actually great tactics, and in the case of podcast websites it's not. That's because, as we found through some surveying, while the median listener of your podcast doesn't use the website, there are two very important outlier groups of people who do use podcast websites, and you really want to help both of them. The tricky bit is that these two outlier groups are on completely opposite sides of the median, in terms of their relationship with your podcast. 

Prospective listeners

The first group is people who have never listened to the podcast and they're checking it out, maybe considering listening, maybe looking for a transcript instead, maybe trying to decide whether they're willing to accept an invitation to guest on the show, maybe they're a journalist who's considering covering the show, maybe they're clicking over from social media, maybe they've just stumbled across the name of the show and they've googled it trying to figure out like, what its deal is. They're not sold on the show yet (that's why they're not in the podcast app!) but they're actively in the process of deciding whether they want to get into the show, and so it's super useful and valuable to give them a compelling answer to the "would I like this?" question in a centralized location which you have full control over. You're halfway there because they've managed to find you already — wouldn't you want to help them over whatever remaining hurdles they're wondering about?

Big fans

The second group of website visitors are people who are really keen on the podcast and they're taking the leap into becoming even bigger fans — or they're big fans who are returning to the website regularly. Maybe they're visiting the shownotes page for extra reading, maybe they're looking for a platform-agnostic link that they can send to friends or students to try to get them to listen, maybe they're looking for social media profiles or bonus content or merch or to find other fans, maybe they've reached the level of fandom where they're determined to consume every scrap of content you've put online. Again, this is a great group of people! You really want to help them! It's good for your show if fans have an easier time giving you money, buying merch, finding any extra content you've made for them, sharing the show with prospective new fans, and otherwise engaging with you more deeply in the way you're looking for.

Even if, just to pull random numbers out of my hat, 80% of a podcast's listeners aren't visiting the website on any given month, helping that (say) 20% through a website gives you disproportionate impact because website visitors are at a liminal stage: mostly people with the potential to convert from prospective listeners to actual listeners and from median fans to highly engaged fans, both of which are things every podcast wants.

Therefore, you need a podcast website. And crucially a website that somehow miraculously works for both complete newbies and die-hards. No pressure. 

This was the situation we found ourselves in when we decided to get serious about revamping Lingthusiasm's website earlier this year. We'd known we had this problem, and we'd even done twitter polls and threads to confirm our assumptions about the two types of podcast website visitors based on our own experiences visiting the websites of other podcasts in our own podcast listening lifecycles. Now it was time to solve it.

Step 3: The Background

But first, a brief orientation to the previous state of Lingthusiasm's website, which had been the case for its first five years of enthusiastic linguistics podcasting. Lingthusiasm's original website was formatted as a blog, with each new episode and transcript (and occasional announcement post) appearing as its own post in reverse chronological order, plus some static information showing up on the sidebar, which also contained menu links to static pages like "about" and merch. 

Originally, there hadn't been that many episodes or static pages, so this layout sort of worked, but as they'd kept growing, this became an unwieldy experience for everyone except the median listener, the one who shows up at a podcast site already interested in the show and just wanting the link to the most recent episode. But as we established, the median listener is less likely to visit the site than either the newbie or the superfan. Plus, because each episode had its own shownotes page, the median listener generally visited the site when prompted to by the link to each new episode page as shared on social media — they weren't going to the homepage really at all. So, while we wanted to preserve the episode pages, which were serving their purposes completely adequately, the main, first homepage, the thing you find if you google "Lingthusiasm" or click the link in our bio? That part was begging for improvement.

Let's scroll down a bit. Sooo much text. Side menu bars...not great. And is the most recent thing we've posted (in this case, a transcript) really the first thing a new user wants to see? Who knows… 

There was one further complication: our whole site was hosted on Tumblr. Making a blog-based site have a static homepage is very straightforward on, say, WordPress. Maybe now that Automattic has bought Tumblr, it'll become an option there too one day (if there are any Tumblr staff reading this post, hey, drop us a line, we'd love to chat). But for the meantime, we were on Tumblr with Tumblr's existing feature set, and we didn't particularly want to leave. Partly, that was just because it would be a pain to migrate our existing site over somewhere else. 

But a bigger part is that both Lauren and I as cohosts had well-established blogs on tumblr, Superlinguo and All Things Linguistic, long before we started the podcast, so having the shownotes posts live on tumblr let us both reblog them easily to our followers, not to mention letting our followers continue sharing and spreading them (which they do!). Tumblr is actually our second highest social platform in terms of followers, just after Twitter and higher than Instagram or Facebook. And it's much more link-friendly/multimedia-friendly than most other social media sites, with no algorithm to fear, so we're actually quite happy to keep investing in Tumblr. Just...not at the expense of the website being easy to navigate as a website. 

But the mitigating factor here is that Tumblr has been around long enough that it has an extensive library of themes people have made for it, and it also has no qualms about letting you dig around, MySpace-style, in the html and CSS for free. So, maybe it'll be possible after all...

To recap, the challenge: make a website that would be a great experience for two very different types of users, all on a platform that was really designed to facilitate us doing no such thing. We commissioned Liz McCullough (different spelling, no relation!) to help us with further research on what the website needed to accomplish, investigation of which tools we could use to build the improved site, and finally the implementation that would bring the goals and the tools together. 

Step 4: The Research 

We did three things to assess the current state of our podcast website and how well it was working for its visitors. 

1. User testing 

In early stages, when we knew we needed to improve the website but not exactly how, I was talking with my friend Julia Evans about how we were working on this problem, when she very kindly volunteered to take a look at our current site and narrate her first reactions while I looked over her shoulder. This was very helpful! 

Not only did Julia's reactions highlight (again) how bad our mobile experience was, and how our list of static pages was long and made the eyes glaze over, but she also made a couple of very concrete and useful observations, such as that we weren't highlighting the existence of transcripts enough and that people other than instructors might be interested in a list of episodes by topic, which resulted in us splitting out the "teaching" page into a more general "episodes by topic" page and a more instructor-focused "teaching" page. 

2. User survey 

Since having one person look at the current website was already providing useful insights, we decide to do a survey about what people in general are looking for in a podcast website, which I ran in a rough-and-ready way from my twitter account, using a mix of twitter polls and highlighting people's comments to see if they would prompt further replies. Obviously, the people who follow me on Twitter are not a balanced sample by any imagination, but since they're likely to over-index for "people who are interested in my podcast", I figured this was an acceptable sampling bias.  

Here are a selection of the helpful comments we got from people about what they do (or don't) use podcast websites for: 

When I was collecting ling podcast eps for teaching reasons I visited websites (including the lingthusiasm tumblr) to look for things like transcripts and lists of episodes by topic otherwise as just-a-listener I rarely if ever do

I listen to podcasts all the time, at work, on my commute, and at home. I simply forget there is a website to visit, so I’ve never gone to one. This is actually reminding me that there have been some podcasts with web pages I meant to visit to get more of the story!

Both transcripts, and "more info" but specifically links in the shownotes. 

I'm kinda also looking for community. (I'm thinking about starting my own podcast so my perspective is both a fan of yours and figuring out my own plans.)

For me, it's always one of three reasons: 1. I heard about the podcast somewhere and want to get the official feed URL to subscribe to. 2. An episode doesn't have thorough enough embedded notes and I want more info on something mentioned. 3. Looking for how to support it (💰).

Never. But I assign a LOT of them (including yours) and students who don’t already listen to podcasts on apps on their phones actually go to the website to listen.

Both ends of the spectrum of engagement for me: Trying a one-off episode of something I won’t subscribe to or going deep on show note links for something I listen to religiously.

I really only use a podcast's website for two reasons - to learn more about the show if I've just heard of it and am thinking about starting to listen; or if I've enjoyed a show for a while and want to find a link to their merch (for shows that don't include this in the notes.

The vast majority of the time I’m visiting a podcast website is because they’ve invited me to the show and I’m doing a “Do they align with my morals & values?” check.

A podcast website is the best place to figure out if you like a podcast before committing to subscribing.

There were also quite a few comments about how people visited podcast websites looking for transcripts and for more information in the shownotes, such as the spellings of names, links to websites or books mentioned, links to merch, and further reading. Both of those two things the Lingthusiasm website was already doing, so this was nice validation for us! 

However, since we can tell from stats that new fans often go back and listen to all of the old episodes, it seemed that an area for improvement would be doing more to help people get to transcripts and shownotes pages for archival episodes, rather than only highlighting the most recent shownotes and transcripts blog-style

I also asked a few survey-style questions of what people use podcast websites for, which resulted in agreement that recommending a few starter episodes for new listeners would be useful (even though most podcasts aren't doing it yet), the vast majority of people just visit a podcast website once or twice (not for every episode), and mobile is somewhat though not resoundingly more popular than desktop. 

3. User profiles 

Based on people's responses to the twitter survey, plus private conversations and our own experiences as podcast users, we had Liz McCullough, as her first step in redesigning the website, do an audit of our old website with potential user scenarios extracted from the twitter thread, an assessment of how well the mobile and desktop sites accomplished those scenarios, and proposed solution where applicable. Here's a sample of what one scenario looked like: 

Scenario: I’m clicking a link from social media.

Mobile: At the time of testing, the most recent post is a transcript, so I don’t immediately even understand that this is a podcast (just something with “episodes”).  I have to scroll down a little bit to see a playable episode and down a LOT to see anything else.  I might never make it there.

Web: If I’m looking, I can more readily understand what this is, given that the “about” section in the right panel is viewable without scrolling.  Still, the most recent post takes up most of the space.

Solutions: splash page or prominent tagline near the top?

It's not really necessary to belabour how much the old website failed at most of the scenarios (here's the whole report showing how much it did), so instead I'll just give the list of our user situations (with a few additions that didn't make it on the report but were considered in subsequent design), in case this summarized list might help people:   

I'm clicking a link to the main site page from social media.

I've clicked a shownotes link from social media and now I'm wondering what else is going on with this show

A friend sent me this link and said I'd enjoy the podcast. 

I've heard of this podcast (potentially to do an interview or cover them) and I just want to figure out what their deal is and maybe contact info if I decide I like their deal

I googled "linguistics podcast" and ended up on your site. 

Someone recommended your podcast and I don't actually listen to podcasts but maybe if there's transcripts? 

I've encountered something else that suggests I'll probably like this podcast but what I don't like is typing things, can I just get a link to where it lives in my podcast app? 

I'm a student and my teacher/professor told me to listen to Episode Number Whatever 

I'm a teacher/professor and I'm trying to find that episode I vaguely remember from two years ago to forward to my students slash I want to see if there's anything else that's relevant for them 

I'm not able to listen, but I regularly read your transcripts

I've heard a couple of recent episodes, liked them, and now I'm trying to decide if I should go back and listen to more 

I listen all the time and want those sweet, sweet shownotes 

I listen all the time and heard you mention merch on the show and now I want to find it! 

I listen sometimes, but I really like what you're doing and want to support you

I've listened to all the main episodes and I've been told there are bonus episodes somewhere and I want them!!!

I've become a huge fan of this podcast and now I want to talk to other people who are into this thing as well! 

Liz's summary points are also useful: 

The current web site experience is heavily dependent on the most recent post.  (On mobile, this is probably pretty much the only thing that people see.)

Ideally, there would be better architecture pointing people to where they might want to go, especially on mobile.  A bit of structure would help a lot with the long-list-of-links problem.

It might be helpful to create some kind of “new listener” page for the truly uninitiated (which seems likely to be a decent portion of views, based on Gretchen’s poll).

I think it was especially helpful to have third parties involved at the user research stage, from having Julia as a friend doing a quick set of real-time reactions, to my twitter followers replying with what they looked for from a podcast website, to hiring Liz to do an audit of the site and how well it was serving its various types of users (note that Liz is a relative newcomer to the podcast and wasn't involved in creating or maintaining the previous website, so she hasn't had time to get used to its quirks and start taking them for granted, which I think was useful!). 

In any case, what we've extracted from this user research is that there's a largely U-shaped, bimodal distribution in terms of who's visiting Lingthusiasm's website (and, we suggest, the websites of most other podcasts) — the new/prospective people and the people who know they already like us. This is the scenario that I described at the top of this post, but the research at this stage was what enabled me to figure out that earlier thing which I'm presenting out of order.

Step 5: The Goal

So, now that we've figured out the two primary groups of users that were being under-served from the Lingthusiasm website, plus a few more specific scenarios, we can work on what website elements would help them and how to integrate those into a cohesive website together. 

The first thing we realized is that our two website user types had very different emotional relationships with us as a podcast, and thus with what they'd be willing to put up with on our website. Prospective listeners had essentially zero relationship with us: if we didn't show them signs of something relevant early on, they'd bounce and never come back. Die-hard fans already knew us and liked us -- if the first thing they saw on the site wasn't quite for them, they'd keep digging (especially by following the menu bar). Moreover, existing fans were also particularly likely to have other prospective listeners in their orbits: you know how, when you get really into something, and you want to persuade all your friends and family to try it too? So highlighting early on some persuasive/descriptive information about what the show was like and who might be into it was actually the most useful thing to do for everyone who'd be likely to visit the website. It's directly useful for prospective listeners and makes the site an extremely forwardable summary of why someone might want to get into the show, which is something that die-hard fans might not have come looking for but can appreciate when they get it.

Now that we know we need to persuade, we need to determine what information people find useful for deciding whether or not they want to get into a podcast. Bearing in mind that the internet is a big place and a show can be very successful by appealing strongly to a fairly specific niche, so we knew that helping people make an effective and accurate decision for them is better than promising to be all things to all people only to disappoint when people actually start listening. 

Personally, when I hear about a new podcast, what I want to know is two things: one, do I like the premise? and two, does it execute on the premise well?

Lingthusiasm has a decent premise: many people like two-person conversation-style podcasts where you learn things about nerdy topics, language is something everyone encounters and therefore something people are often curious about, and half hour monthly episodes is a reliable but not overwhelming posting schedule. But where it really wins or loses is in execution: ongoing-host conversation style podcasts in general only work when the hosts have genuinely good chemistry, when the editing is invisible but effective, and when, crucially, the hosts actually make the conversation as interesting and funny as promised. This is why people pull out their phones and subscribe to Lingthusiasm after I talk with them about linguistics for five minutes at a party — because I've just given them a proof of concept. We can (and do) give proof of concept like this on social media through short audio clip posts, but it's pretty hard to get people to hit play on an audio clip if they don't know anything else going in. 

As I talked about at the beginning of this post, podcasts are a relatively opaque format. Like with a book, most people require opacity-reduction mechanisms for a podcast — they don't just pick it up and hit play or start reading, they need something or even several things to convince them. Think about it like the difference between a movie and a tiktok video. If a friend sends me a tiktok with a very vague message like "omg", I'll probably just watch it no questions asked, since it's so short. But if the same friend is trying to get me into a show that's 10 seasons long, I'm really going to take a lot more convincing. This is why trailers and reviews are a thing for long videos and not short ones! 

There are many opacity-reduction mechanisms that podcasts already use to attract new listeners, like creating short clips, soliciting reviews, and doing guest spots on other shows, in addition to the obvious things like art and descriptive text. But one way of reducing opacity that was particularly on my mind from my experience with the book world for Because Internet was the idea of doing podcast blurbs. After all, there are certain characteristics that are just more credible if someone else says them about you: in our case, we needed to establish that we're trustworthy sources of information as hosts, but also that we're genuinely funny and engaging. So we looked back through various reviews and recommendations that people had made of Lingthusiasm over the years and picked out a few sentences that covered these points to feature on the website.  

(Other podcast styles may have different priorities in terms of what proof their prospective listeners need: for example, interview-based shows rely on the interestingness of their guests, and so don't need to invest as much in demonstrating host expertise or chemistry — in this case, something like highlighting a few well-known guests might be appropriate instead.)

Step 6: The Design

Okay, so what does it look like in practice to make a podcast homepage incorporating various ways of breaking down opacity for new listeners but which also is still useful and not off-putting for fans who want to do a deep dive? 

Let's break down the elements of the new Lingthusiasm homepage (click to see the live version), which, hey, doesn't look like a blog anymore! Look, Ma, it's a grown-up website! 

Small top menu bar - most people will skip over this automatically because it's a standard UI element, but it contains a few useful navigation links for returning fans and persists through the page, if people realize they don't want to be scrolling

Cover photo - with "Lingthusiasm: a podcast that's enthusiastic about linguistics" so you know where you've ended up

Narrow banner - with links to the show's feed on all the major podcast platforms (not just Apple Podcasts), so if you're already sold on the show and just came here for the link to the feed, you're not wasting too long hunting (it's not practical to link to the entire long tail of indie podcast apps, but including links to the most popular of them, and the direct rss link, signals to sophisticated podcast listeners that we're on all the other places as well) 

Next block: okay, you stuck around below the link to the podcast apps, that means you'd like more about what the show's like? 

Three short quotes from other people attesting that yes, we actually know our stuff, yes, we're actually for a general audience and not boring, and yes, we're even funny. All of these things are difficult to believe if people assert them about themselves, so we decided to borrow a page from book blurbs and let other people assert them for us.

A longer description of what the show is like, with the beginnings of a few logistical details like our schedule

The tagline at the very beginning and the longer description make a sort of sandwich around the testimonials, effectively saying "here's what this show is trying to do, and here's how people think it succeeds."

A grid of six navigational icons, leading to episodes, transcripts, and bonus episodes, plus about, Patreon, and merch. These boxes are partly for the existing die-hard fans, saying "hey, you scrolled through some text that maybe you didn't read particularly closely because you already know how to describe the show, here are some nav boxes that'll take you down the rabbit hole!" But putting the boxes here after the description also lets them be useful for the first wave of prospective listeners, the relatively easily convinced: "okay, you liked this description? here's how to get to the episodes" as well as media/scoping people who might not actually be intending to listen but who are looking for meta details such as the existence of transcripts or a link to the about page. 

Three suggested starter episodes - An additional nudge for prospective listeners who are sorta interested enough to keep scrolling but not quite enough to click through. The episodes are not consecutively numbered and also have clearly signposted transcript links right next to them, making the point that episodes can be listened to in any order and reminding people that we have transcripts. This also increases the value of the homepage, which now also functions as a "where to get started" link for both us and existing fans trying to drag their friends down the rabbit hole.   

Email newsletter signup box - At the bottom of the static page itself, for fans that are die-hard enough to want to scroll through this whole page before clicking any nav boxes. It's our firm conviction that there's no point in bugging people about the email newsletter signup before they even know what your thing is. 

Below the static elements, and partly for technical reasons (more about technical details in a bit), we have the original new episode posts that comprised the entire homepage of the original site, in reverse chronological order. For new listeners, these are a few easy to click "play" buttons if they want to start listening right away. And in case any of our existing users were actually listening by navigating to the homepage once a month and clicking play on the most recent episode (our stats suggest there were very few of them), this behaviour is still possible.  

Plus, at the very bottom, we have a pretty standard footer with more descriptive text and social media links. We assume that most people follow us on social media through some combination of being a super keen fan and/or seeing us in their feeds while already there, so we don't need to hard sell social media on our website.

This deals with the problem of the homepage not being useful for newcomers or people who want to dive deep into the show. We also had to deal with the navigation — having one menu bar with all of the static page links was getting unwieldy, and would be entirely too large in the mobile-friendly top floating menu bar of the new theme (previously the menu had been a static sidebar, which is kind of okay on desktop but really bad on mobile). 

To figure out how to pare down the navigation, we looked at all the static pages and decided which ones thematically went together and a rough path that people might logically want to take from one to another. For example, "people" (the page with bios of our team) and "FAQ" naturally went under "about", "episodes" could also contain transcripts and bonus episodes, and the page recognizing Patreon supporters above a certain tier could be a sub-page of "community", the page that describes our discord server. Since taxonomies are hard, we also created redundancies by cross-linking sub-pages where we thought that people might reasonably desire multiple paths to them, such as linking to our crossovers page from both "about" and "community".

So far, so good. We made a rough paper sketch containing these broad elements. Obviously, because I'm showing you live screenshots, you know that we did accomplish this, but if you're someone who knows things about website design and is mostly here because you're like "okay, but I can't believe they did this on TUMBLR" this next section is for you. (If not, y'know, feel free to skip to the following section.)

Step 7: The Implementation

Now, how we actually accomplished this given the design limitations of Tumblr.

The hardest technical element was in figuring out what our most promising option was for creating the landing page, not just the blog view. We knew we needed something static to articulate what the show is and where the additional content for fans is, but we also had to integrate it with the existing blog side, which we had no intention of getting rid of as it's still very useful (each of the shownotes pages and transcript pages is a blog post). 

Three options that we considered and ended up not opting for, in order from least to most complicated.

Use Tumblr's pinned post feature. We could make a post with basic descriptive and navigational elements that would be pinned at the top of the site, above the most recent episode/transcript post. This would have worked okay, but the menu bars were still cluttered and not great on mobile, so we would have had to do this and also find a new theme. Also, Tumblr's post formatting isn't great at things like "putting two images beside each other" or "links that aren't just static in-line text" so we would have had to hand-code that into a pinned post anyway...at which point we were also looking into other options.

Host the static homepage somewhere else entirely. For example, we could make a nice-looking static homepage somewhere like WordPress, and then mess with subdomains to get two sites hosted in different places to be seemingly unified. This wouldn't have been too bad for a new project — we could have pointed lingthusiasm.com to the static site and then hosted the tumblr posts under something like posts.lingthusiasm.com. However, since we already had five years of post links pointing to lingthusiasm.com/post/etc, we weren't especially relishing the prospect of setting up a whole bunch of redirects to make all those links still work. Alternatively, we could have hosted the new static homepage under something like home.lingthusiasm.com, but then we would have faced the inverse problem — we also had 5 years of linking people to lingthusiasm.com as the main show site and there wasn't an obvious way to get them to stop expecting a decent homepage experience right there.

Mess with Tumblr code to try and get the homepage to be a static page. According to an eight-year-old answer on Quora (definitely not at all a dubious method of getting tech advice), there's a block of posts snippet that you can delete from your tumblr theme which gets rid of the reverse-chrono list of posts and then you can hand-code something else there instead. We did actually try this method, on a separate "sandbox" tumblr account that we set up to test things without breaking the main Lingthusiasm site. Unfortunately, while it did remove the posts block as promised, it also broke all of the tag pages (such as), which apparently depend on the same posts block code snippet. We're not actually sure how much our users depend on the tag pages, so we briefly considered just going for this option, but it would have been highly inconvenient to us as hosts, because we use our own tag pages a lot. And besides, it would have left us, again, hand coding the new homepage from scratch, which again, seemed like a bit of a waste of time when there are plenty of nice, newer themes that are already doing a much better job at being responsive on mobile and other useful things. 

The one thing that became apparent when we were paralyzed by which, if any, of these tedious, inconvenient, and aesthetically dubious options to pick, was that regardless of how we solved the static landing page issue, we definitely needed to find a new Tumblr theme with better mobile support and better menu options.

So we started looking at themes first. The approximate plan was to see if we could find a theme with a better header/menu/mobile situation, and then perhaps use a pinned post to fill in a few more information/navigation options. But since we had static landing pages on the brain, and the dubious Quora answer seemed to indicate that something in this vein might actually be possible, we decided to try some search terms around static homepages or landing pages as well. 

In the end, we managed to find exactly two themes which had already figured out how to put a bunch of stuff above the posts on your tumblr homepage, which seemed basically close enough to a static landing page for our purposes. Perhaps even better, since, after all, some people do find the most recent few static posts useful (they normally point to the most recent episode and transcript, plus any announcements going on). Both themes were from 2017 and by a user called Cubxanh, of which we bought the one that seemed more flexible, Phoenix 2.0. (Yes, it seems obvious to say "just google the type of theme you want" but I've subsequently managed to not be able to find these themes again on subsequent googling, despite knowing they had to be there, because I forgot the precise search string that produced them, so trust me when I say this was Advanced Search Skills.) 

The theme was a very good start, but by no means the end of the process. The Phoenix 2.0 theme template contained a lot of modular customizable elements (slideshows! carousels! buttons! ribbons!), including many we didn't need and others that we wanted to move around or repeat more of. So the next task we hired Liz McCullough for was to make these modifications and in general figure out how to translate the general design vision we'd had (testimonials, navigation elements, starter episodes) into the assets available to us from the theme. Liz reports from the other end of having done all of these tweaks that the relevant bit of code is {block:HomePage} {/block:HomePage} and is actually documented on Tumblr's official custom themes variables lists. It's not clear to either of us why there are only two themes we can find that seem to make much use of it, but perhaps most people aren't mule-headed enough to want to reverse engineer "a website that doesn't look much like a blog" out of "a website platform that's pretty determined to be a blog" which, I mean, is very sensible of them. 

Fairly early on, we realized that the Phoenix 2.0 theme contained a navigation box asset which would be useful for our purposes, but that it looked much better in the demo theme because it had consistent-looking art inside it as the icons. The specific icons from the theme didn't depict the elements we needed (and they would have been the wrong aesthetic anyway), so we decided to commission some icon-style art assets from Lucy Maddox, who we've worked with before on art for merch, in Lingthusiasm colours and vibe. This hasn't been in the initial plan but made a huge difference as far as the overall professionalism of the website. Liz also made the various podcast player icons all have a consistent size and colour scheme, which made them look much nicer together. Finally, we'd also updated our big splash cover photo a few months earlier with a new one in higher res, with an eye to it looking better on the new website.

We made the initial website draft on a "sandbox" tumblr account (an extra one that no one follows), which enabled us to test how all the custom theme elements and mods would interact with Tumblr's defaults pretty thoroughly before making it go live, so we were able to experiment with layouts and generally break it and fix it lots of times before transferring it over to the main site (where the subsequent fixes were a lot more minor). We're still tweaking the content on some of the other static pages, but a website is never truly "done", only live, and the core navigational design elements are all indeed live now. 

Step 8: The Results 

Our primary goal with the website redesign for Lingthusiasm was to improve the experience of several existing groups of people who were visiting it already, so we didn't particularly expect to see results immediately. That said, we've noticed in the weeks since the website redesign went live that we seem to be getting a modest but noticeable increase in website visitors. It's not quite clear why — it's consistent (i.e. following our usual weekly cycles) so it seems to be unlikely that it's linked to sharing activity. Perhaps google has noticed that the site is displaying better on mobile?  

User feedback has, unsurprisingly, not generally noticed that the site was on tumblr in the first place, which was of course the goal, although it's also anticlimactic. (The few people who've told us they were surprised to find out it's tumblr have been very gratifying, thank you.) Nonetheless, despite the efforts that it took to find and customize a new theme to this extent, it was still much easier to just update the theme rather than changing our whole hosting platform. (And as far as I can tell, our actual tumblr followers haven't even noticed anything at all!) 

The biggest result of having spent nearly two years talking and thinking about a website redesign is that we now have a much clearer sense of what people are looking for when they're visiting our website, which results in having a clearer idea of how we talk about Lingthusiasm on social media and in other places — especially the insight about how podcasts are an opaque format and how we need to reduce opacity in order for people to be more encouraged to try it out. 

At first, we felt kinda sheepish about how long it took us to redesign our website. Surely we could have gotten around to doing it faster? And I mean, to be fair, part of this was just other projects coming up that were higher priority than redesigning an already adequate site — the research time was very spread out over an initial few months, and the active redesign time was about 6 months. But also, now that the new site is live and it's led to conversations about redesigning websites with various people, it seems like this is actually a fairly normal amount of time for it to take to redesign a website, at least if you're a mid-sized, mid-level indie internet project like Lingthusiasm. That's because the things we thought we were exceptions for are actually normal: everyone who's redesigning their site is doing so amid other projects (whatever the thing is that the website is for), and in conversation with an existing tech setup of some kind, which often involves making various kinds of adjustments based on what your tech tools are capable of. 

Finally, the thing that takes the longest in a website redesign isn't so much the poking at the html and css and so on, but actually figuring out what should go where, largely by trying some version and changing your mind. It's like how writing a book isn't constrained so much by your typing speed, more by your researching and thinking speed. And it's actually good to do that thinking gradually over a longer period of time and by talking with people rather than rushing in and getting distracted by how much whitespace to add. It's relatively easy to hire someone to help with the tech or art aspects, but visual design won't be much good to you if you don't have a clear understanding of the more complicated side, the user experience design. 

Step 9: The Takeaways 

The best website is a website you'll actually maintain. It doesn't matter how elegant your website design is, if the information on it is several years out of date because getting into the update thingy is just such a pain or you need to start a whole email chain to get a minor typo fixed. But on the other hand, if the appearance of your website is irritating you so much that you never want to update any of the information, that's also not great! There's no single optimal design or tech setup, but there is knowing yourself first and your users second, and picking something you'll be able to live in comfortably and invite other people into as well. And this often means using some combination of existing tools, help from others, and things you do yourself. For us that meant, well, a highly bespoke tumblr setup.  

Think about how opaque your thing is and what you can do to make it easier for people to have a sense of what they might be getting into. Do people still need education on what a podcast is or how to listen to one? Increasingly less. Are they always going to need a compelling description and indicators that you can execute well on your premise? Yes. (Everyone knows what a book is and yet books still put a lot of effort into what's on the cover.) 

Therefore, if you do nothing else to improve your podcast website, have a beginner-friendly description of your show in a prominent location, rather than just making your website cater to existing fans. All current fans had to come from somewhere, and prospective listeners were the biggest group of visitors in our survey. A few suggested starter episodes is pretty easy to implement too. Getting reviewers people have heard of is a challenge, but you know those reviews you're constantly asking people for? Picking a few reviews from ordinary listeners that really seem to get what you're trying to do with your show could be a useful idea. (Protip: go for specific comments, like "I had no idea there were so many interesting things to learn about linguistics but now I can't get enough", over nonspecific endorsements that could be said about any show, like "omg this is the best ever" — while flattering, they don't tell a prospective listener very much.) 

If you're at a later stage and looking for things that can level up the appearance of your website, I can't emphasize how much commissioning art for various UI elements made ours feel fancier. Also, link to several podcast listening platforms, more than just Apple Podcasts and Spotify. It's better for your show if your listeners aren't just tied to one app, because it insulates you somewhat from any one tech company's potential shenanigans. 

Some other podcast websites we looked at while coming up with ours included Darknet Diaries (the best designed of the substantial podcast websites we encountered) and Gender Reveal (a good lightweight podcast website).

Step 10: The Thanks

With thanks to Julia Evans for extensive discussion of website desiderata, to Manish Goregaokar and Eaton for comments, and to Lauren Gawne, Liz McCullough, and Lucy Maddox for their work in making the thing! 

If you enjoyed this incredibly long post about the implicit social functions of many website design elements, perhaps you’d be interested in the Lingthusiasm episodes on the implicit social functions of small talk or when people have different expectations around overlap. Or maybe you’d like this series on the implicit social functions of conferences and making virtual conferences more social. 

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Games Workshop declares war on its customers (again)

There’s a difference between a con-artist and a grifter. A con-artist is just a gabby mugger, and when they vanish with your money, you know you’ve been robbed.

A grifter, on the other hand, is someone who can work the law to declare your stuff to be their stuff, which makes you a lawless cur because your pockets are stuffed full of their money and merely handing it over is the least you can do to make up for your sin.

IP trolls are grifters, not con artists, and that’s by design, a feature of the construction of copyright and trademark law.

Progressives may rail at the term “IP” for its imprecision, but truly, it has a very precise meaning: “‘IP’ is any law that lets me control the conduct of my customers, competitors and critics, such that they must arrange their affairs to my benefit.”

https://locusmag.com/2020/09/cory-doctorow-ip/

In that regard, it is a perfect grifter’s tool — a way to put you on the wrong side of the line for simply living your life in the way that works best for you, not the grifter.

Now, copyright and trademark’s framers were alive to the possibility that they might become this kind of weapon, and they wrote limitations and exceptions into each doctrine that were meant to safeguard the public’s right to free speech and free action.

But those limitations and exceptions are weirdly self-eviscerating. Both trademark and copyright’s limitations assume that they aren’t being weaponized by immoral sociopaths. Both collapse if they are.

Take copyright. Copyright has a suite of limitations and exceptions under various global legal systems, including US law. US law also contains a specific set of exceptions colloquially called “fair use,” a subject of much mystification for lay people.

Under fair use, someone accused of copyright infringement can ask a judge to find that their use of someone else’s copyrighted work is permissible because to deny it would be socially harmful.

The fair use law sets out four factors that judges MAY consider when considering such a claim. Note that these four factors are neither comprehensive (judges can weigh other factors), nor dispositive (failing to satisfy a factor doesn’t disqualify your use from being fair).

If that sounds confusing to you, don’t worry. It is confusing. As the lawyers say, “fair use is fact-intensive.”

The specifics of a use really matter: who’s making the use, what they’re using, why they’re using it, how they use it, and how much they use.

That’s why anyone who claims that “X is never fair use” (for example, commercial fanfic) are full of shit — as are people who say “X is always fair use”).

Commercial fanfic absolutely can be fair use. No less a body than the Supreme Court says so:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wind_Done_Gone

Despite all this ambiguity and nuance, IP grifters who want to force other people to arrange their affairs to their own benefit are laser focused on the four factors, reasoning correctly that if they show a judge that the factors favor them, they’re more likely to prevail.

Half of the four factors are out of the grifter’s reach. As a rightsholder, you can’t control “the purpose and character of the use,” or “the amount and substantiality of the portion used.”

But the other two factors are more readily within the IP wielder’s remit. As someone seeking control a work, you can frame “to the nature of the copyrighted work” by talking up how much creativity and originality went into it, which judges will weigh in your favor.

More importantly — and disturbingly — is the way that an IP holder can influence the fourth factor: “the effect of the use upon the potential market for or value of the copyrighted work.”

Think about that fourth factor for a moment here: if my use of your work doesn’t cost you any money, then it’s more likely that my use is fair.

The corollary: if you can bully some people into paying for something they’ve always gotten for free, then you can claim that the people who refuse to pay are ripping you off — that there is a “market” for the use, and that their failure to pay weakens that market.

This is effectively what’s happened to music sampling. Seminal albums like “It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back” were produced with thousands of uncleared samples — but at the time, no one was clearing samples.

https://memex.craphound.com/2011/07/08/creative-license-how-the-hell-did-sampling-get-so-screwed-up-and-what-the-hell-do-we-do-about-it/

Had the rightsholders to those samples dragged Public Enemy into court, they wouldn’t have had the fourth factor on their side. No one was paying for samples, so a failure to pay for samples had no “effect on the potential market for the copyrighted work.”

However, in the 33 years since Nation of Millions dropped, paying to license samples has become common practice — and the mere existence of paid samples makes not paying for samples more legally risky.

So say a rightsholder decided to aggressively license simple quotations — as the Associated Press did in 2008, when it offered to sell you a license to a 5-word quotation for a mere $12.50.

http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/010341.html

All other things being equal, a short quotation from a news article is likely to be fair use. But if the AP managed to terrorize enough bloggers into coughing up $12.50 for a 5-word quote, it could create a market for 5-word quotations.

That market would change the fair use argument for people who don’t pay — yes, they’re making a transformative, critical use, but they’re also undermining the market for the copyright, and a judge might find this change tips the scales away from fair use.

Even more importantly, the additional uncertainty might stampede more people into paying $12.50 for a 5-word quote rather than risk a $250,000 statutory damages award for copyright infringement.

The more people who pay for 5-word quotes, the sturdier the market becomes and the riskier it is to rely upon fair use.

The fourth factor looks like an escape valve for uses that harm no one.

But it actually rewards to bullies who intimidate others out of money they don’t actually owe — until they do.

Trademark has a similar gotcha. Trademark is very different from copyright. Fundamentally, trademark is about protecting buyers, not sellers. Trademark meant to help buyers avoid being tricked into buying an inferior product because it was deceptively named or styled.

If you buy a can of Coke, you want the true Black Water of American Imperialism, not an inferior brand of dilute battery-acid.

But if your Coke turns out to be a fake, you might shrug off the harm or balk at the expense of punishing the fast operator who mis-sold you.

So trademark empowers Coke — and other vendors — to punish third parties who trick their customers, acting as their customers’ champions. Trademark doesn’t exist to prevent Coke from losing money to a rival — it exists to help Coke drinkers get what they pay for.

Trademarks can be registered with the USPTO, who nominally weigh trademark applications to ensure that they’re distinctive and original. Practically, examiners are busy, sometimes careless, and ideologically inclined to grant, not deny, claims.

https://memex.craphound.com/2018/06/14/son-of-cocky-a-writer-is-trying-to-trademark-dragon-slayer-for-fantasy-novels/

But you don’t have to register a trademark to assert it. You can threaten or pursue legal action on the grounds that someone has violated an unregistered trademark, which is any distinctive graphic or phrase that is associated with your product.

Registered or unregistered, trademark enforcement primarily comes down to whether a “naive consumer” would be mislead by someone else’s use of a mark. That is, when you bought a Coke-branded sack of chicken feet, did you think it was blessed by the Coca-Cola company?

If there’s no likelihood of confusion, trademark holders struggle to enforce their trademarks.

This standard seems reasonable, but, like the fourth factor in fair use, it has a sting in its tail.

One of the ways you can induce confusion in the public is to gain a reputation for being a litigious bully. Say Coke is known far and wide for clobbering anyone that uses its trademarks, no matter how trivial the use and no matter how bad it made them look.

If Coke is truly notorious for its zero-tolerance policy, that will lead to a widespread public understanding that every time you see Coke’s marks, the use was blessed by a Coke lawyer — meaning a use that might not otherwise be found to be confusing can be made confusing.

“If that was any other company’s trademark, I’d assume that they had nothing to do with it — but since I know Coke has an army of baby-eating attack lawyers who destroy anyone who uses a mark without permission, that must be an authorized use.”

Like fair use’s fourth factor, trademark’s confusion standard rewards the most vicious and uncaring businesspeople with new rights that their more reasonable competitors do not enjoy. IP selects for sociopathy.

Now, IP — in the most sinister sense of the phrase — has pervaded every industry, but the contradictions of IP are felt most keenly in its spawning grounds: the culture industry.

Culture is in tension with the control of ideas, because culture is the spread of ideas.

Creators (and execs) are vulnerable to the pirate/admiral fallacy: “When I take from my forebears, that’s legitimate artistic progress. When my successors do it to me, it’s theft.”

This pathology, combined with ready-to-hand IP weapons, incentivizes all manner of wickedness. Remember when Marvel and DC teamed up in a bid to trademark the word “super-hero” so that no one else would be allowed to use it?

https://memex.craphound.com/2006/03/18/marvel-comics-stealing-our-language/

These perverse incentives are made tragic by the inherently participatory nature of culture.

It’s not merely that Marvel and DC wanted to steal the word “super-hero” right out of our mouths.

It’s that super-heroes are culturally important because of how we take and remix them in our lives. Marvel went on to use the law to stop us from pretending to be superheroes online, something Casey Fiesler called “Pretending Without a License.”

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/277598023_Pretending_Without_a_License_Intellectual_Property_and_Gender_Implications_in_Online_Games

Which brings me, at last, to Games Workshop, a company that has consistently led the IP bully pack, indiscriminately terrorizing the Warhammer 40k fans who made it a massive commercial success.

Warhammer is a strategy/roleplaying game that is played with miniature creatures that players buy, modify and paint. If you’re not familiar with all this, maybe this sounds a bit like toy soldiers.

It’s a lot more interesting — not just because of the game rules or lore, but because of the incredibly, unbelievable, jaw-dropping virtuosity of Warhammer players when they paint and style those miniatures.

There’s a reason I look forward to Saturday morning’s weekly linkdump from Jonathan Struan of the week’s best Warhammer and other RPG miniatures:

https://www.superpunch.net/search?q=warhammer&max-results=20&by-date=true

and why I follow incredible painters like Aurelie Schick:

https://www.flickr.com/photos/110246635@N06

Warhammer is intrinsically participatory, co-creative and active — it’s not media you consume, it’s media you produce.

Games Workshop has become fantastically rich off of this…and they hate it, and they always have.

For years they’ve pursued fans for producing their own fan-made supplements and additions to the game:

https://www.lumendatabase.org/notices/99301

The more Warhammer players complained about the indiscriminate censorship of their fan media, the harder GW cracked down on them, wiping out whole genres of creative work:

https://www.boardgamegeek.com/geeklist/48933/games-workshop-files-purge-09

GW claimed it was only defending its rights, the grifter’s signature move, making you a crook for having the audacity not to put their shareholders’ interests ahead of your own.

Then Games Workshop claimed a trademark on “space marine,” a generic term that had been widely used in science fiction for decades, including, notably, in Heinlein’s classic “Starship Troopers” (1959).

https://web.archive.org/web/20130207002144/http://mcahogarth.org/?p=10593

They didn’t just go after RPGs that used the phrase — they used trademark claims to remove novels from Amazon for having the phrase in their titles.

“Space marine” is a generic phrase, but GW was betting if they were sufficiently, spectacularly brutal in their enforcement, they could create a proprietary interest: “Now, I know GW destroys anyone who uses ‘space marine,’ so this ‘space marine’ must be endorsed by GW.”

GW just launched a new set of terms of service, including: “individuals must not create fan films or animations based on our settings and characters. These are only to be created under licence from Games Workshop.”

https://www.games-workshop.com/en-WW/Intellectual-Property-Guidelines

Now, this isn’t how copyright works. There are many ways in which a fan film or animation could be fair use, no matter whether GW forbids or permits their production. But this isn’t mere overreach: it’s a direct play against the fourth factor in fair use.

If GW can establish that all animations and vids are produced under paid license, then any fanvid that doesn’t pay for a license has a weaker fair use case, because the fourth factor protects existing licensing markets.

Indeed, as Rob Beschizza points out on Boing Boing, GW timed the terms of service change to coincide with the announcement that they’re launching a subscription service including “cartoons, in-house hobby videos, access to a vault of ebooks and mags.”

https://www.pcgamer.com/now-even-warhammer-has-a-subscription-service/

This is bullying with a business-model, in other words. Fans have figured out how to have fun with each other for free, and GW wants them to stop and pay the company for its in-house version of that fun.

Warhammer creators are demoralized and disheartened. The creator of the hugely successful Oculus Imperia Youtube series posted a heart-rending message of surrender.

https://twitter.com/OculusImperia/status/1421136444437970949

Oculus Imperia also edits “If The Emperor Had A Text To Speech Device,” (TTS) another beloved Warhammer fan series. Alfabusa from TTS posted his own absolutely demoralized goodbye to his work.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXljeaktnDA

Ironically, both channels would have a stronger fair use case if they mocked and criticized Warhammer, rather than celebrating it, as fair use tips favorably towards critical uses.

The fact is, they love their hobby and its community and they want to improve it, not tear it down.

Neither wants to get dragged into a brutal copyright case against a deep-pocketed corporation. Even people with great fair use cases balk at that:

https://waxy.org/2011/06/kind_of_screwed/

Now, some people might be thinking, what’s the big deal? Why don’t these creators just make up their own stories instead of remixing the ones that come from Games Workshop?

Those people are assholes.

*All* stories are fanfic of some kind or another. Every mystery novel is a remix of Poe’s Murders In the Rue Morgue. Games Workshop’s stories are the thrice-brewed teabags of many sf writers (remember “space marines?”).

Tolkien straight up ripped off his characters from the 1000-year-old Norse poem “Elder Edda,” which features dwarves named “Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, Fili, Kili, Oin, Gloin, Nori, Dori, Ori, Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur.”

https://musingsofatolkienist.blogspot.com/2015/07/hobbit-origins-catalog-of-dwarves.html

Culture is made of other culture.

GW made something wonderful with Warhammer — by plundering the stories that preceded it.

The sin isn’t in the taking, it’s in the pretense that it never happened, and the vicious grifting that punishes anyone who does unto GW as they did unto everyone else.

[lemonjoonah]

Wrapped Together (M)

Pairing: Namjoon x Reader Word Count: 18K Rating: M Genre: Christmas AU, Romance, Drama  Warnings: Protected sex, oral (m. rec.), referenced illness/death of parent, swearing, classism. Summary: Despite your best efforts to keep your head down, to self-preserve and endure what will no doubt be the worst Christmas of your life, you are still roped into volunteering for the hospital's annual gift wrap fundraiser. The enticing factor that lured you out? The promise of a new shift partner, Kim Namjoon. Though your first day together starts off with a slight miscalculation of his skills for wrapping, he soon becomes your essential ally in the fight to get through this lonely holiday season.

| Secret Santa Collab | My Masterlist |

A/N: A big thank you to @kimtaehyunq​ for asking me to join her Secret Santa Christmas Collab, this was my first collab ever and I absolutely loved it. And of course to my beta readers @m00nchild-shi​ and @ladyartemesia​ thank you for helping me gain the courage to post this. I hope that this fic is able to bring a bit of comfort to those celebrating the holidays a little differently this year, so please enjoy!

...

-5 Weeks Until Christmas-

Amidst the chatter of the office, a dull rumble reaches your ears and vibrates the desk beneath your fingers, waking you from the repetitive haze of your hundredth call report. The moment of confusion switches to frantic action when your brain finally catches on and recognizes it as your own personal phone. Scurrying through your purse, you nab it just in time, but after checking the caller ID you desperately wish you hadn’t. 

You knew this call was coming, you’ve dreaded it since you felt the first freezing snowflake on the tip of your nose, when you heard the first carol blaring over the radio, and saw the first tacky inflatable gracing a lawn on your street. It happens every year, like clockwork, though this will be the first time she’ll be enlisting one and not two. Unable to put off the dreaded moment any longer, you answer, accepting that if you rip the band-aid off now and decline her invitation to join the wrapping fundraiser, it’ll be one less uncomfortable moment later. 

“Aunt Emma, hey it’s been awhile.” She’s not exactly your aunt, but you’ve known her ever since you and your mother settled down here ten years ago. With little other family nearby she was one of the few you and your mom could always count on. Making your task to turn her down all the more difficult now.

“My dear, how are you holding up? I’m so sorry to do this but I'm calling with some rather unfortunate news.”

“Oh?” You exclaim, careful not to sound too hopeful that you might be free of your heavy burden.

“Yes, well it’s regarding the wrapping fundraiser. I wanted to put you on the same shifts as myself or Maria. I didn’t want to have you alone, since, well, you know... but there are so many rookie volunteers this year. And with you being part of the organization for so long, I was hoping you work with one of them instead for the evening shifts? It’ll just be you and him, do you think you could manage it?”

“I-I uh...” Now this is something you had not expected. You spent the past few weeks worrying about how you might have to work side by side with pitying glances, condolences, and referenced scripture from the usual staff. Any thoughts and prayers for your loss would likely turn you into a pool of tears. Not something you want to happen in public, or private for that matter, but if you are partnered with a newcomer, one who knows nothing of your past, maybe... maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. “I can do that.”

“I knew you could! I’ll put you down for the weekday evenings from the seventh up to Christmas. You’re off work at four, right? I’ll send you more details later, but do you want me to be there to introduce you to the other volunteer?”

“No!” You blurt out, insisting in a volume far louder than necessary, but you can’t risk her acting on the offer. Introductions when done by Emma are dicey at best, with one solid breath she has the capacity to share every bit of your sad history, leaving you exactly where you’d rather not be. “I’m sure we’ll be fine. No need to put yourself out like that, you can just tell me their name now and save yourself the trip.” 

“Thank you dear, always so considerate. One second let me just grab that for you...” She pauses on the phone line, as you look around your office in worry, not wanting to get in trouble for taking a personal call on the clock. “Ah here it is. You’ll be working with Kim Namjoon...” 

...

-Less than 3 Weeks Until Christmas-

After finishing work you head off to the mall for your first day on wrapping duty. It should be a relatively quiet night, since the majority of the crowd typically disperses at this time, heading home to be with families for dinner. Your own sits in a paper bag on the passenger seat of your car. A solitary meal as you battle the rush hour traffic. Finishing off the last of the salted fries with a lick of your fingers while you secure a parking spot. 

Flipping down your visor you scoff when confronted with your appearance, your makeup melted off thanks to the struggles of your earlier shift. You dab and blend a fresh blot of concealer on the dark bags beneath your eyes, determined to erase any evidence of your doleful days and sleepless nights. 

The rented store space is already set up, with a long table propped up right at the entrance. Dressed with a variety of paper and ribbon and looking particularly festive. The other volunteers give you a brief greeting and run down before they leave and pass the duties off to you. With them gone you take a seat, looking down at the selection you have to offer this year, trying with all your might not to focus on the empty chair beside you, one that is usually fill by your-

“Hi, sorry I’m late...” Your gaze flicks up from the table, startled to find a giant of a man. Greeting you with a smile warm enough to melt your frozen expression. 

“H-hi,” You stutter out, staring at his handsome face framed with light brown locks, feeling as though you’ve seen it before, but can’t quite place where. “You must be Namjoon?” You ask, running through the list of actors and singers in your mind but coming up empty on who he reminds you of.

He nods, before confirming your name too, and launching into the reason behind his tardiness. “The traffic was not in my favour today.” He gestures to the table and the vacant seat behind it. “May I?” 

“Of course.” You quickly scoot the folding table over so he can slip by the barrier that separates you from the mall. He takes off his coat to reveal a whole suit beneath, though he soon disposes of the jacket and tie too. You try not to gulp as he rolls up his sleeves in front of you, his arms flexing as they reveal themselves. 

“Pretty quiet?” He asks looking around the mall. 

“It usually is around now, give it an hour or two.”

“Have you been doing this long?”

“A few years...” You mumble, not wanting to dive too deep in that well, you quickly turn to pin the question on him instead. “What prompted you to volunteer? Did Emma enlist you during her recruiting effort?”  

“She did, I found her posting the flyer at my workplace.” Namjoon chuckles. ���But I’ve seen you all set up here before, and since my usual Christmas plans with my family have changed, I thought I’d join you all instead.”

“Oh, so you’re not spending Christmas with them?” 

“No, they’ve gone to visit my sister and her family in her city this year. I unfortunately have a few work commitments I can’t get out of to make the trip in time, but rather than just mope about at home I thought I might be of some use.” Namjoon smiles again, his fingers folding the corner of the wrapping paper in front of him. “What about you, any plans?”

“No, I usually spend it with my mom, but she won’t be with me this year...” Or any year going forward, you consider while you give him a weak smile. She was the very reason you joined this organization all those years ago, when Aunt Emma was making her rounds and signing up everyone she could at the hospital, you and your mother were there for an appointment, your mom offered up both of your services lending you to a tradition that would extend for years through her treatment, remission, and the final return. 

“So we're in the same boat?” 

“I guess so.” His grin is so contagious, despite the differences in your situation you can’t help but agree.

Your first client of the evening comes forward and drops a small pile of kids toys in front of you both . “Thank god you're here. If I bring these home unwrapped my kids won’t hesitate to spoil the surprise.” You divide the presents between you and Namjoon while the mother keeps talking and flicking through the different styles of paper offered. “At least if they’re wrapped I can say I saw Santa at the mall and he gave me these early. They are so hard to fool these days.” 

“I take it you’ll want the Santa stickers?” You ask pointing to a closed box behind you, hidden away from the wide and prying eyes of young children passing by. 

“Yes, thank you so much!” 

“No problem.” You assure her while putting the last piece of tape on the stack of video games. Though when you look over to check on Namjoon you find that he has barely even started. He cut off a sheet entirely too big and is attempting to fold it around the boxed animatronic pet. Your eyes stare at the state of the poor paper unable to look away from the crumpled carnage. But the shock soon turns to amusement over his determination to salvage the mangled sheet, and you find yourself biting your lip in an attempt not to laugh. Luckily the woman in front of you hasn’t noticed but once you're finished with yours, you reach over for the assist. 

“Here, I can take over that one. Could you do the ribbon for me?” 

 Namjoon nods opening his mouth in an embarrassed grin. He does manage to secure the strand around the package but loses the spool before he can cut it. The red ribbon rolls all the way to your foot, before you stop it with a tap on the sole of your boot. Namjoon winces, while you let out a chuckle before bending over to hand it back to him, and finish wrapping the other present. 

The attempt at a ribbon curl unfortunately goes the same as the package before it, with him completely at a loss and using the wrong edge of the scissor blade. Trying to save him you make another suggestion. “If you want you can always use the premade sticker curls.” 

Namjoon nods and places them on the two packages along with the vibrant sticker of a cartoon Claus winking as he delivers the warning, ‘Do not open ‘till Christmas, Santa’s watching.’

As you load up the presents into a bag, Namjoon takes to the cashbox, looking expectantly from the client with his dashingly dimpled grin. 

“Oh right.” She comments with an awkward smile. Opening her Gucci bag and matching wallet, the corners of her lips turning down when she rifles through several triple digit bills unable to find any smaller denomination. 

The stand is by donation only, but the implication has always been that one should compensate the fundraiser for the service provided. You can usually tell when someone intends to leave no payment at all, and unfortunately you know this act all too well. She’ll apologize and say that she has to run to the bank and get some cash, but you’ll never see her again. Namjoon, unfamiliar with this ploy, continues to give his eager smile, and to your utter shock she submits, handing him a hundred dollar bill. 

Namjoon thanks her profusely as she melts too under his gaze muttering, “Not a problem.” Before walking off clutching her now wrapped gifts. 

You look to Namjoon in disbelief while he locks the money away in the cash box. Only breaking the silence when the client is fully out of earshot. “How the hell did you do that?!”

“Do what?” He raises an eyebrow completely oblivious to what he just achieved. 

“She... she... you got her to donate, and such a large amount. How?”

“What do you mean how? People give that much all the time don’t they?”

“No, they don’t!” 

“Oh...” He gives you another of his knee weakening smiles. “Sorry I assumed, I guess I’m just used to it.” He scratches at the back of his neck looking down at the table.

“Used to it? Where on earth do you see, do you get used to, that kind of generosity?”

“Through my job I suppose?” His grin turns to a look of embarrassment. “I work in art procurement, currently under contract with the museum. I seek out collectors and convince them to donate or loan out their assets.”

It would seem that getting people to open up their wallets is practically his profession. “Well... looks like manning the cash will be the perfect job for you.” That smile of his is a dangerous weapon, and one you would be remiss not to use in the fundraiser’s efforts. Though it still leaves one question unanswered. “But I have to ask...” Your previously concealed giggling comes to the surface. “Why on earth would you volunteer for a holiday wrapping station if you don’t know how to wrap?”

A blush reaches his cheeks. “Last year when I was here... I left with far more than I was expecting, and feeling as though I should have given more. So I figured if I couldn’t be with my own family, I wanted to do this instead.” He starts habitually folding a paper scrap. “And maybe I’d learn a useful skill-”

When a streak of red is left on the paper trailing behind his finger you jump to interrupt. “Is that...”

“Fuck.” He mutters pulling his index close to examine it. “Yeah, those scissors are sharp, didn’t realize I drew blood though.”

You immediately start rummaging around in your bag. “I know I have a couple in here, one second.” You pull out a small box of bandages and peel apart the papers to reveal the adhesive.

“You carry band-aids in your purse?” Namjoon asks, with a raised brow.

“You're the one who cut their finger trying to make a ribbon curl.”

“It wasn’t a criticism, sorry I just thought it was... nice.” He holds up the injury and you're careful to wrap the strip around it.

“Yes well,” Your face heats up as you catch yourself lingering. “Try to stay away from the scissors unless absolutely necessary. I’d rather not have to make a trip to the hospital.”

“That would be counter productive wouldn’t it?” Namjoon laughs outright. 

...

Despite you being the only one to wrap you both manage the evening surprisingly well, pulling in a record donation amount.

“You must be good at your job,” you mutter with a smirk, as you finish counting the lockbox. “I’ve never seen people so happy to part with their money.”

“I only showed them how good of a job you did,” Namjoon explains. “I’ve never seen someone put so much care into wrapping.” 

“First impressions for a gift can be important too.” You justify as you secure the cash in a deposit bag. “They put a lot of care into selecting the gift, why shouldn’t I exemplify that?”

“Even the gift cards?”

“Especially the gift cards. I have to make them memorable somehow don’t I?”

“True.” Namjoon concedes, with a small frown.  “Listen I’m sorry if I didn’t make a good first impression on you myself. If you want I can call Emma and we will find someone else to help you.”

“No, I enjoyed working with you. It just caught me off guard that you didn’t actually know how to wrap. If you get bored of handling the cash I could try and teach you if you’d like... you said you wanted to learn right?”

“You’d be willing to show me?”

“Definitely, though let's stick to the premade ribbon curls. I’d rather not have to use anymore band-aids if I can avoid it.” 

After pulling down the gate and locking up the station up behind. Namjoon accompanies you to the bank to drop off the deposit before you part ways for the evening, with you going out one exit and him another. 

The sudden blast of cold air forces you to huddle in your coat, and crank the heat the very second you step into your car. As the windows to thaw and frost retreats, you spot your tall wrapping partner waiting at the bus stop. 

“Now why would he...” You’re left perplexed judging from the description of his job and quality of his attire you assumed him to drive some sort of flashy car, never would you think he would take public transportation. 

You drive over and stop right in front of Namjoon, rolling down the window. “Where do you live?”

“The Swan Estates, but if you don’t leave near there that’s fine I don’t mind bussing home.” Namjoon looks down the road. “It should be here soon.”

“It’s no problem, I pass by that area on my way home.” You reach across the car for the handle opening the door. “Come on get in. It’s too cold to wait for a bus.”  

Namjoon nods, and eagerly hops into the car holding his hands close to his vents with a sigh. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. I didn’t think to ask, I just assumed-”

“That I could drive?”

You nod giving him a sheepish grin this time. 

“As you saw earlier I’m rather accident prone. I think it’s safer for everyone if I leave the driving to others.” He chuckles looking out the window. “What about you? When not rescuing people from cold transit stops or wrapping disasters, what do you daylight as.”

You grimace at the question knowing your answer is nowhere near as impressive as his. “I’m a phone-rep for Interlude Shipping, I work in their tracking department.”

His reaction is not the usual glazed expression you get when you reveal that you work in a call centre, but a look of awe. “You must be so busy this time of year, how do you have energy for volunteering too?”

“I’m used to it.”

“Do you like it there?”

“It’s... a paycheck. I needed a full time position with benefits right out of school and that was what was available. I would have preferred something else but...” You stop yourself, scolding how much you almost revealed. Finding it far too easy to talk to Namjoon. He doesn’t pester you to continue but lets your abrupt end linger in the silence until he points out his house within the estate. “So I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Namjoon nods in agreement with his dimples on full display. “Looking forward to it. Thanks again for the ride.”

After he leaves your car another nervous giggle you’ve been holding in finally escapes you. Three weeks working with this kind, considerate and downright gorgeous man. Though there’s no ring on his finger, he has to be attached to someone. Men like him don’t walk around single for long. Your shoulders fall at the thought, despite the fact that you have no intention of forming an attachment at this time... it’s still too soon. 

Before you even pull out of Namjoon’s driveway, your phone vibrates from the cup holder you stashed it in. Aunt Emma’s name popping up on the display. You press the green button to accept and put her on speaker while you pull out onto the road. 

“Hello my dear, just checking in to see how the first night went?” 

“Good, no great actually. I think you’ll be happy with the result.”

“And your partner? Everything working well with him?”

“Yeah,” You confirm looking up in the rearview mirror taking one last look at Namjoon’s house. “He’s really nice, we already have a system in place so I think we’ll work well together.”

“That’s wonderful to hear. I was worried at first, wondered if I had made the right decision-”

“You did!” You encourage her, not wanting her to change her mind, and make another switch.

“Great, so we’ll carry on as is then. I’ll message Maria to let her know, I think she’s still on shift at the hospital though...” Aunt Emma mutters to herself. “Speaking of which I had to stop by there today and guess who was asking about you?” 

You freeze in the front seat of your car, unable to say his name, but that doesn’t stop your chatty Aunt from continuing on despite your silence. 

“That Jackson, such a nice young man, it’s a pity you-” 

“Aunt Emma, I’m so sorry but I should go. ” You cut her off unwilling to listen to her disappointment over your own personal matter. “It’s getting late and I have work in the morning.”

“Oh of course, no problem dear. Call me if you need anything.” 

When you arrive at your cold and empty apartment. The silence greets you with the usual punch to your gut, just as it has for the past eight months. She should be there to say hello and ask you about your day, just as she always had. But all that’s there to welcome you is the stack of dusty Christmas decor boxes thrown in the corner of the living room. Unwilling to spend another minute alone you sulk off to bed, ready to put another day behind and start the next. But for the first time in a while, you are actually looking forward to a fraction of the never ending cycle. 

...

Whoever said Christmas time is the most wonderful time of year, clearly never worked a customer service job. They’ve never been yelled at for four hours straight, gone to lunch, and then endured another four. With a couple weeks still left until the looming deadline of Christmas you can only imagine what you’ll have to listen to in the coming days. The woes of a parent trying to track down their child's number one gift... it’s enough to send chills down your spine. Just once you’d like to find someone happy on the other end of the line, someone who didn’t need something from you, someone who called just to say hi, and indulge you with a friendly chat. 

With the last call of the day done you throw on your coat, and bolt out of the office before anyone else. Elated by the fact that you have somewhere else to be, happy that someone else is expecting you. Namjoon beats you to the station today, chatting with the other volunteers as they leave. One of them pats you on the arm and delivers a sad smile, you seize with fear and the worry that they had discussed you, but when you find Namjoon beaming without a hint of concern the weight lifts and you can once again forget your loss for now. 

“Hey, how was work?” He asks.

“Good... good.” You cover with a smile not wanting to drag him down. He doesn’t look convinced his eyes narrow and the corner of his lip twitches, but you reciprocate before he can confirm. “How about your day?”

“Quiet, I’ve spent the past few months alongside the curators putting together an exhibit and with it finally finished all that’s left is to wait until it’s over.”

“So you had to stay here for Christmas only to wait for it to end? That’s too bad.”

“There are a couple other tasks I have to attend, an auction, and an event for the patrons, but the tear down on the 24th is pretty important, some of the lenders will want their pieces back in time for Christmas.”

“That’s such a miserable deadline for so much work. Why would they ask you to give up your Christmas Eve to do that? Surely it can be done after the holiday can't it?”

“Not this one, it’s ‘The Gift of Christmas’ Past’ exhibit,” Namjoon explains. “Many people were good enough to donate their family heirlooms for the majority of the season, but come the actual holiday, it’s time for them to return home.”  

You just about fall off your chair in awe. You’ve seen that exhibit advertised everywhere, even been tempted to go yourself, but the thought of going alone has prevented your attendance. “I had no idea, that’s such a popular exhibit, you worked on that?”

“I did, I even helped come up with the idea for it.” Namjoon beams, with a small amount of red rises to the surface of his cheeks. “The curators at the museum have been more than accommodating. I never thought I’d get the chance to step into their roll myself. I was lucky to be given the chance, so you can understand why I had to stay and help them once it’s finished. Of course it’s given me some other opportunities I would never have had in the past too, like the ability to help you here.” 

You nod still looking at him in admiration, while in your mind a further divide falls between you. As friendly as he is to you, it’s obvious that he’s way out of your league. Even if you wanted to pursue something more with him, someone of his status... really it’s a wonder he even looks in your direction, let alone chose to volunteer at this tiny holiday wrapping station.  

Your conversation is interrupted by a mall goer with a bag of gifts. Namjoon helps as best he can, supplying you with tape as he learns over your shoulder. Loaning you his finger to help you knot the ribbon around the gifts. With a sizeable donation left in Namjoon’s care you are both left alone at the table again.

Between clients you do your best to show him how to wrap the small boxes and ready cut paper at your disposal. Though his folding has improved, his use of tape can be considered... excessive. “You shouldn’t need more than three pieces on a present like this.” You chuckle as you catch his hand before it can apply the seventh piece of tape. 

“But your packaging looks so durable compared to mine. How is it supposed to hold together if not for more tape.”

“Years of practice with tighter folds and better adhesive placement.” You analyze his work. “You might be an up and coming art curator but wrapping is my craft.”

Namjoon laughs and grabs a fresh sheet along with the scissors. 

“Should I go fetch my band-aids?” You ask, gazing at the sharp implement with trepidation. 

“No I’ve got this, I’m ready to earn my redemption.” Namjoon folds the paper several times before cutting a rounded edge. “Wrapping might not be my forte, but this I mastered long ago.” He opens up the paper grinning madly as he reveals a perfect snowflake.

You giggle at the innocence of the piece in question. “That is quite impressive, when did you become such a proficient?”

“I’d say I peaked at eight. One evening when it was just my sister and I, we covered my whole house with them. Every surface, every window, plastered with paper snow. Though my parents were less than enthused I like to think of it as my first full art show.”

“What on earth possessed you to do it?” You ask, trying to imagine the look on his parents as they returned home to the indoor flurry.

Namjoon looks up with a heavy expression, for such a lighthearted story why does he look so wary to tell you “A mutual fri-”

But as chance would have it he is once again interrupted by another coming to your station. When the post dinner rush hits you hardly get another chance to chat. 

...

-2 Weeks Until Christmas-

The week passes in much the same way as the past two days, but with each evening session Namjoon is able to improve upon his wrapping skills a little more. To the point where you are comfortable to leave him alone for a few minutes to man the station.

“You’re sure it’s all right if I just run to the washroom for a minute?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“I could put up the be back in five minutes sign if you-”

“Go, I can hold down the fort... just leave the band-aids.” You are ready to let out a big sigh when Namjoon holds up his hands in defeat. “Just kidding, I promise, now go.”

You hurry off as fast as you can swearing when you find a line up. By the time that you are finally able to return you find Namjoon finishing up with an attractive woman and her single gift. You smile at her as you join him behind the table, she pauses, caught off guard for a moment but then hands him the donation along with a slip of paper. 

Namjoon opens it as she walks off. Blushing profusely before throwing it in the trash along with the wrapping scraps. 

“What was that about?”

“Nothing... she just must have gotten the wrong impression.”

“Did she give you her phone number?”

Namjoon nods looking down with guilt. 

“And you're not going to keep it? She was gorgeous.”

“What? No, of course not.”

“Right, I assume that wouldn’t go over well with your girlfriend.” You speculate, seeking to figure out his status once and for all.

“No girlfriend.” Namjoon mutters.

“Boyfriend?” 

“No boyfriend either.” Namjoon smiles. “I just wasn’t looking to get her number.”

You look at him in disbelief. If she wasn’t good enough, there’s no way in hell you could ever dream of being with him.

...

The drive home in the evening is rather quiet. Namjoon’s fingers drag across his lips as if in deep compilation. 

“Any big plans for your couple days of freedom?” With Aunt Emma’s team working the weekend that gives both you and Namjoon some time off, but unfortunately apart. 

“What? Oh yes, I suppose.” He answers as though you dragged him from a stupor. “I have an auction to go to tomorrow for work.”

“Buying art for the museum are you?”

“Not exactly in the market to buy. But if you're not busy you should come along, I would love some company.”

“Not because you would love a drive?”

“No, not at all, I was planning on booking a car tonight. I could come pick you up on the way.”

You shake your head. “No, if we’re going together I’ll drive. No need to waste your money on something like that. What time should I pick you up?”

“I’ll have to double check and get back to you but likely late in the morning?” You nod in agreement as he pulls out his phone. “What’s your number?”

You give it to him and your cell vibrates in your pocket as he sends off a text a second later, leaving you with his own.  

“So I guess I will see you tomorrow now then.”

“It’s a date.” Namjoon smiles as he gets out and leaves you in the car. 

You snort in disbelief, staring after him while he runs off to the front door of his house. No, there’s no way, he can’t be serious, it’s not a date, date. The phone vibrates again, reminding you of the unread message he sent, prompting you to look at it before you drive off home.

This was the only phone number I actually wanted.  See you tomorrow,  - Namjoon  

...

You lie in bed caught between denial and anticipation for what’s to come in the next day. Every moment that excitement bubbles up inside, you are forced to push it down with the weight of scepticism. Namjoon was looking to distract from his lonely Christmas, you are just the band-aid to his superficial wound, but would that be so bad? Haven’t you been using him the past week in the same manner, a mode of distraction? The only difference is the depths of your injuries. While his might be a simple cut repaired by time, yours is a laceration straight to the heart, damage that will soon bleed through a flimsy bandage, but at least you can hide it for now, you can conceal the extent of your misery and enjoy the comfort that is him for the holiday. Ripping that band-aid off won’t hurt, not compared to the damage that has already been done.

You look back at your phone smiling at his message, confirming that this is what you want for now, when to your surprise another comes in. 

KNJ: Are you awake? 

You double check the time, 12:23 a little late for a friendly chat isn’t it?

YN: Yeah, everything okay?

KNJ: That depends, what are your thoughts on Hallmark Christmas movies?

You pause in confusion, questioning his motives for such an odd query. Coming up dry you can give him the most truthful answer you can. 

YN: They’re chestnuts.

KNJ: Chestnuts? 🤔

YN: Palatable only when thoroughly roasted. 🔥🔥🔥

Your phone starts ringing a second later, the caller Namjoon. You pick it up to hear him laughing on the other end. “I’ll have to remember that. You up for burning a film? I could use another open fire, there’s a pretty horrible one on their channel right now.”

“I’m sure I could spark an ember of criticism. How bad are we talking?”

“There’s a made up country, a town that looks like it exists solely for the purpose of celebrating Christmas-”

“And let me guess, a prince?”

“You know it?”

“Nope, just following the trend of tropes.” You grab your earbuds and venture out to the living room wrapped in your blanket, a beverage in hand, and ready to turn on your own TV. With one bud lodge in your ear to listen to Namjoon the other is free to take in the cringeworthy dialogue. “My god why were you watching this?”

“Couldn’t sleep, and I thought this would also help put me in the Christmas spirit, but I can’t stop laughing at how bad it is.” Namjoon chuckles deeply as the heroine stumbles over a mere pebble and falls into the hero’s arm. 

“I don’t think you have any right to laugh at that part.” You join him in laughter. “You two appear to have some similarities.”

“Wait, so does this make me the clumsy lead and you the dashingly perfect love interest?”

“Oh most definitely, I’ll be saving your Christmas.”

“I suppose you are pretty perfect.”  

You’re thankful that Namjoon isn’t there to see your response, silently choking on your glass of water, followed by spilling your sip all down your shirt, further emphasising your next point. “I’m not perfect.”

“Well you should let me see that side sometime, or I will continue to feel like this poor woman who is confronted with someone way out of their league.” 

Namjoon thinks that you're out of his league? “No, I’m sorry but in order for me to save your Christmas based on this movie I have to play the perfect hero.” Of course the leading lady swoons in her prince's arms. “I just wish the characters had more depth, I’ve read kids books with a wider emotional range.”

“Me too. And the timing,” Namjoon scoffs. “It’s always so perfect. They always meet at the perfect moment and latch on immediately only to have everything work out in their favour, and it all claims to be a Christmas miracle, it doesn’t work like that.”

“That sounds like someone’s been scorned before on Christmas.”

“Not scorned no. More like a missed opportunity, one that I’ve regretted for a long while.”

 “Anything I can help with?” You ask. “As the supporting lead that is my mission is it not?”

“Maybe, I’ll have to think about it. Unfortunately my dilemma isn’t so easy to solve.”

“I don’t think anyone's dilemma’s are ever as easy or clear cut as theirs.” You yawn as you lay down on the couch and watch the pitiful drama unfold. “Their world is perfect and always has their back through some sort of mystical power or being.”

   “I think people in the real world call that god...” Namjoon chuckles.

“Yeah well, our god is a shitty writer if this is what their creations come to expect.” You murmur, stifling a yawn.  

“Is that a crack in your shining armour I spy?”

“No, just commentary.” Though your own internal defences are askew, and the longer you watch the more you understand why. It’s jealousy, jealousy of how quickly they overcome any tragedy, and how they do so with a picture perfect life, as if the creators left all the negative emotions, the realistic impacts of trauma, on the cutting room floor. If only you were that perfect love interest that Namjoon wanted you to be... maybe you can keep the facade until the end of the holidays, at least one of you can have a better Christmas for it. 

All you have to do is continue ignoring the most painful parts, a practice you are well versed in considering the boxes still looming in the shadowy corner, still unmoved after all this time. You know nothing good will come from unpacking them, there is no comfort inside, the only thing that could help is long gone, the story which your mother used to read to you every Christmas before you moved here. You’ve hunted through those boxes so many times while she was still here with you, but now that she’s gone you don’t even have the desire to look, nor the strength to store them away. 

...

You wake hours later with a loud crumpling sound in your right ear. Your bud still in place, and your call time continues to count past the 7 hour mark. “Namjoon, are you there?” You inquire with a groggy yawn. 

“Fuck... yeah, did I wake you?” 

“It’s fine, sorry I fell asleep.”

“Don’t worry I did too. But unfortunately I seem to have lost an airpod at some point in the night.” The rustling continues as he chats to you. “I refuse to lose another to this couch, it’s taken so many from me already, you’ think I would have learned by now.”

“Oh, then this is a regular occurrence for you? Chatting up women until you fall asleep,” you scoff.

“No! God no, I just usually fall asleep listening to music and then my cushions eat them when I lower my defences.”

“I leave you to battle it out with your sofa, but what time should I pick you up?” 

“Eleven okay with you?” 

You double check the clock, ensuring you have enough time for a shower and to look presentable. “Yeah that works. I’ll see you then.”

...

You pull into the packed parking lot of a large warehouse. With Namjoon looking dapper in a blazer and peacoat. You yourself are glad to have chosen to dress a bit classier than your usual garb for a Saturday afternoon. When he said it was for work you couldn’t risk dressing down. 

But there is still an air of confusion about your reason for being here. If he’s not attending to buy something for the museum or a client, why is his presence required? The items up for auction are not exactly what you expected, with the majority of it being furniture and woven rugs. You tilt your head in confusion as Namjoon eyes up an old wooden desk. 

“Sorry,” He mutters, seeing you as he comes to from his distracted state. “I have a personal weakness for such items.”

“Don’t be, but is that why we're here?”

“No, although it is tempting.” He nods over to a collection of old black and white sketches on the wall across from you, graphite scenes of the city from long ago judging by subject matter and the yellowing of the paper behind the frame. “They’re the real reason we’re here. When I heard of this estate sale I knew that some of those works would likely come to market. I’m here to find out who buys them, and hopefully see if we can secure a possible loan for the museum in the future.”  

“So how do you do it? How do you convince them to part with such pieces other than that dangerous smile of yours?”

Namjoon humours you, flashing his most coveted weapon. “Many of the artworks found at estate sales like this, they’ve fallen into disrepair. They often haven’t been cared for, likely kept in some musty room where the humidity damages them. The museum has a team of top rated and highly respected conservators who would be able to properly preserve it and slow any further deterioration, and in exchange for their services we ask for a short term loan of the art. 

“A win-win.” 

“I like to think so, but some people are rather protective of their investment. It can be a tricky negotiation which I have been on both sides of when I worked for the private sector.” 

“Which do you prefer more?”

“Definitely the public. The museum doesn’t pay as much, but the audience and notoriety far greater. I really hope that I can continue my work with them once my initial contract ends.”

“I assume securing this for them will help in that goal?” You nod to the pieces, admiring the sought after collection. 

“One can only hope. Who knows, maybe I’ll get my Christmas miracle like the movies promised.” He jokes, putting his hand on your shoulder and leading you on. 

While you and Namjoon continue to look around at the lots up for bidding, he proceeds to fawn over the wooden art and furniture, taking pictures and looking up the makers. 

You can’t help but enjoy his interest, watching his eyes go wide and his mouth gasp when he’s found something which intrigues him. “Have you ever purchased something for yourself at one of these?” 

“A few things, tables, chairs, and books too. It’s a great place to find unique pieces, or things lost to the past.” He gives you a shy smile. “Is there anything you’d like to look for?”

A possible item springs to the forefront of your mind. “Do they have any books here now?” 

Namjoon grins at your request and leads you over to several crates filled to the brim with books. All the copies inside look to be older editions of epic novels, nothing like what you hope to find. Your heart sinks as you let out a sigh of disappointment.

“Can I help?”

“Nah, I think I’m out of luck. I was looking for a kid’s picture book. I briefly met someone at the wrapping station who found a copy second hand, must have been at a sale like this. I was hoping I would have the same success, but that seems like a bit of a far reach.” Had it not been their gift to someone else you would have made them an offer for it or even gotten their name at the very least, but you were so distracted at the time... all you can see and remember to this day was the book in front of you.

“I’m sorry-” Namjoon starts with an unnecessary apology, it wasn’t his fault that you lost the favourite book of your youth, that you missed the chance to give your mother one last glimpse of the pages with you before she passed.

“It’s fine,” You cut him off not wanting to dwell on the loss or risk deteriorating that perfect cover right here in front of him, in front of everyone, when he has something important to attend to. “Should we go find seats before they start the auction?”

Namjoon nods, seeming to examine your eyes with careful study, but he will find no tears, no dampness there, those are locked away tight. He escorts you to a seat near the back. “This way we can get a better view of those bidding without looking out of place.”

The auction lots pass by with many remaining silent. Namjoon points out several antique dealers to you that are snapping up many of the pieces. But the rest of the buyers all appear to be waiting for the same prize that Namjoon is. 

“Do you have any favourites to win?” You whisper to him as the collection is carried into view.

“I’m hoping for anyone I’ve dealt with in the past.” Namjoon nods in the direction of a middle aged woman dressing in a fur trimmed coat and strands of pearls draped around her neck. “Mrs. Coleman already has a few works in one of the exhibits, and Mr. Roth over there.” He turns to a man wearing a tweed jacket and a sturdy wooden cane in hand. “Is one of the most notable patrons of the museum.”

Silence falls in the room as the auctioneer takes up the gavel again and describes the works. Many around you sit up a little straighter as Namjoon’s eyes dart around at those he thinks might attempt to purchase.

The bids flood in, with very few gaps for breath as the numbers are rattled off. It takes only two minutes before the going price is more than your annual salary. You lower yourself, pooling in your seat as the extravagant wealth is thrown around you. 

Once the pace slows, Namjoon's face highlights his concern, his eyes glancing back and forth between two people, the older lady in mink he spoke of before, and an unknown man with a cell pressed to his ear. 

As the wooden hammer drops so do the corners of Namjoon’s lips. 

“And sold to the gentleman on the phone number three-two-eight, number three-two-eight for sixty-five thousand.” The auctioneer announces. 

“Shit.” Namjoon mutters under his breath.

“What, what happens now?”

“Now we have an anonymous buyer who I have no ability to meet or advise.” He sighs, hanging his head, with his fingers dragging across his mouth again.

“I’m so sorry.” You whisper as he nods next to you taking several deep breaths. Your hand reaches out to his arm and he turns to you with a small smile.

“It’ll be fine, I’ll figure something out, but I might as well make the most out of my time here.” With the auction now over he rises from his seat and approaches one of the museum's patrons with an outreached hand. “Mr. Roth, good to see you, you’ll be attending the final night of the exhibit I hope, and who is this with you...”

While Namjoon continues to make pleasantries and exchange business cards you keep your eye on the sketches watching as they are rolled behind the desk and packed away in crates. You approach the area where one of the clerks is recording and distributing the information for the now rightful owners, with a mob of bidders descending on him for their newly purchased items so they might leave as soon as possible. 

It would seem that this business too is feeling the crunch of Christmas. A flurry of paperwork is exchanged in haste passing from one hand to the next, until one signed receipt of purchase escapes his notice and falls to the ground in front of you. Picking it up you wait for the crowd to clear, giving the clerk a chance to recover before you approach with the lost sheet, setting it on the desk before him. His confused gaze soon changes to outright shock over his loss when he realizes what you’ve returned.

He thanks you profusely, causing you wonder how much strife he would have encountered had you not been there to return it. “No problem, you look like you have a lot on your plate.” You smile politely, attempting to soothe your fellow casualty of the Christmas rush. “I just have a question for you though, if that’s okay?” 

“Not at all how can I help?” He agrees, his stance far more relaxed than it was with the horde a few moments before. 

“My friend, he was hoping to get in contact with the purchaser of those sketches there, on behalf of a museum. I don’t suppose there’s any way we could get a hold of them, is there?”

“I’m sorry but not at liberty to divulge that ma’am.” Your rising hope falls, you knew it would be a long shot but you didn’t want to leave without trying. “However... if there’s a phone number or information regarding the museum’s interest I can include that in the paperwork to send off along with the purchase.”

“Really? You would do that?”

When the clerk confirms, you immediately turn on your heel and take a step in Namjoon’s direction before bumping into his solid chest, not realizing that he had already come to find you. 

“What are you doing-”

“Getting you that miracle.” You grab one of his business cards from his hand, and turn back around to give it to the clerk who tucks it into the envelope along with the other documentation. “Thank you.” You smile at the clerk who returns the gesture.

“And you said I have a dangerous smile?” Namjoon mutters as he leads you away with a chuckle. “What did he say exactly?”

“That he would include it with the paperwork for the sale. I just hope they will reach out and call you.”

“Me too.” Namjoon smiles, but it doesn't quite appear to reach his eyes. “Shall we head out. I think I’m done here.”

The drive home is rather quiet, the weight of Namjoon’s gloom hanging in the air and he makes no attempt to hide it. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just trying to figure out where to go from here,” he groans. “Those sketches were going to be the start of something new for me. I know the buyer might still come through but I’m not going to hold my breath. I need to keep searching for what comes next, I’m just a little lost, but I’ll find my path again soon.”

“You make it sound so easy.” 

“Sometimes it is, sometimes life will drop it right in front of me and other times I will have to search for it, but that’s a problem for after the holidays.” Namjoon looks out his window at the lights which start to come alive as you drive home. “Are you ready for the big day?”

“Christmas?” You give a nervous laugh, “No, I haven’t even put up any decorations.”

“Why not?!” Namjoon asks in alarm. 

“Just haven’t really felt the need this year. There’s no one there to enjoy them but myself.”

“Which makes it all the more important to put them up.” Namjoon sits up in his seat, his whole persona changing. “I could help you if you’d like?”

You wince over the quandary. With your decorations sitting in your living room under an inch of dust it might arouse some confusion, and his heart would likely sink if he knew how long they actually rested there for. “I’m not sure I’m quite ready for it yet. Maybe another time?”

...

-1.5 Weeks Until Christmas-

Work continues to degrade as the countdown progresses. The only thing getting you through the shifts is the thought of Namjoon’s help at the stand. But as soon as Christmas is over, you wonder if your friendship will go the same way as the festive season, cast aside like the wrapping of the gifts you tended to in the weeks prior. 

After a few days of busy shifts you’re both thankful to make it to another close. But when you are packing up the station Namjoon’s phone starts to ring. He looks down in confusion at the number without a contact attached. “Do you mind?” 

“No, not at all.”

He grins as he answers the phone pacing further back into the vacant shop space and away from the sounds of the echoing mall. You continue to count off the deposit, and roll the wrapping paper. Trying your best not to listen, to give Namjoon his privacy, however you can’t help but notice the happiness in his tone, spotting his dimples from across the room when you sneak a glance. When you grab to move the last box of bows Namjoon ends his call. Tears glisten in the corners of his eyes accompanied by the widest smile you’ve ever seen from him.

“That was- that was the buyer.” He explains as he comes to help you with the final box, taking it from your hands and placing it on the back shelf. “He wants to meet with me this weekend.”

He’s so close, vibrating with an overwhelming delight. His arms move around you as though he is about to pull you in for a gracious hug. You start to congratulate him as he embraces you, “Really?! That’s gre-” only to be cut off when his lips come for yours instead. Once the shock evaporates, you start to appreciate the heat of the moment, the warmth of his skin, the softness of his mouth. Your hands reach up to his toned shoulders and neck pulling him down, diminishing the space between you. Breathing him in like this with your eyes closed, nothing else matters in the moment, nothing other than his firm chest pushing back against yours, his hands on your waist gripping at your shirt.  

With a deep sigh and a bite to his own lip he pulls back. “Sorry I just-”

“Don’t, don’t apologize.” You cut him off this time.  

“I can’t even begin to thank you.” 

“I hardly did anything.” You laugh at the extremeness of his appreciation, though a small part of you dies when you realize his kiss was nothing more than a gesture of gratitude.

 “That’s not true...” He responds, giving you his wide eyes and a shy smile.

On the drive home your companion can barely contain his delight, breaking into random smiles and laughter as he informs his coworkers of the success via text. 

“There’s this event...” Namjoon starts, as you pull in front of his home. “At the museum on the twenty-third, a week from today, I was wondering if you’d like to go with me.” 

“Next Wednesday? But we have a shift at the wrapping station.”

“I spoke to Emma a few days ago and she agreed to cover if we both wanted to go.”

“Emma, making a change so close to Christmas? I don’t buy it. What did you offer her in return?” You ask with a critical gaze. The woman runs such a tight schedule, only something great or important would have prompted her to agree.

“My next year of service.” Namjoon confesses, he looks down at his feet as though he might buckle from the embarrassment. 

“Next year? You already promised to work it?”

“If you want me there that is. I’ll practice more in the meantime, I promise I won’t leave you to all of the difficult packages.” Namjoon chuckles. “But what do you say, will you go with me?”

“Ye-yeah I would love it’s just...” You stutter trying to come up with a good excuse but your brain draws a blank leaving only the truth. “I don’t know how well... how well I’ll fit in there.”

“What? No, why would you think that?” Namjoon places his hand on your leg while you drive. A move which causes the both of you to pause in reaction and him to retreat. “Trust me when I say you belong there more than anyone else.”

You nod your head and give him a small smile, wishing more than anything his hand would return. “I’ll come if you want me there. What’s the attire?”

“Semi-formal, and don’t worry about driving I’ll pick you up.” 

...

-2 Days Until Christmas-

You stand in front of your mirror, wearing a dress which fits your shape perfectly, but stretches your pocket book significantly. The price tags hanging down from the zipper taunt you, tempting you to rip them away, to commit to the indulgence. Even if it’s only for a night, the payoff in the end might be worth the overpriced lace. You give in with a snip of the scissors and a swallow of guilt, letting the printed cardstock hit your bedroom floor. 

 You’ve spent the past couple of hours leading up to this moment in a fit of stress cleaning, disposing of the dust bunnies. Now at least if Namjoon comes over after... you won’t be completely off guard.

The phone on your bedside vibrates with a new message.

KNJ: Just pulling in.

YN: Be right down.

Sliding your shoes on and grabbing what you need, you leave your empty apartment with a growing smile on your face. The moment you can see the car from the buildings foyer both Namjoon and the driver exit the vehicle, though Namjoon is quick to wave the driver back to his seat, choosing instead to hold the door for you himself. 

The thoughtful gesture is made more appealing as if it gives you a full view of your date in his dark three piece suit, his hair tamed back framing his handsome face, whose gaze appears to be giving you the once over for you too.

“You wrap up nice.” Namjoon jokes.

“Of course, I couldn’t embarrass you now could I? Have to land that first impression.”

“You would never. Besides I’m sure my colleagues will be fascinated to know who has enough courage to teach me how to wrap.”

“And how do you plan on introducing me to those colleagues of yours? As your date or your teacher?” You laugh.

“I was actually hoping I could introduce you as my girlfriend.” 

“Your girlfriend for tonight?” You panic, not expecting this development. “Wait, is this one of those fake dating scenarios? Did you tell them you had one and then-”

“I think we’ve been watching too much Hallmark.” Namjoon laughs and shakes his head. “No this is not one of those scenarios, but I’ll take whatever form of companionship you are the most comfortable with.”

He gives you the stare of a man who is looking for more, but you know he won't need you once the holidays pass. His loneliness is temporary, yours is permanent. You’d rather not get your hopes up only to have them lost as he fades away in the cold gloom of January when his family returns. “Let’s see where it goes.”

Upon arrival Namjoon leads you through the massive doors by hand, taking your coat and checking it. The main hall just off the entrance is filled with patrons and staff all mingling and drinking while dining on tiny hors d’oeuvres. You look at the crowd with apprehension.  

Namjoon’s fingers interlace with yours again, a grip clearly intended to give you confidence. “I’ll introduce you to some of the staff first.” 

Several people congratulate Namjoon on the exhibit as he passes, he responds giving them a brief thank you as he ushers you through the crowd. Stopping at a small group of two, who greet Namjoon with a warm welcome. 

“Thank god you’re here, people have kept asking for the brains behind the exhibit.”

“And why didn’t you answer them.” Namjoon smiles before turning to introduce you to them, following up with the man who just spoke. “This is Eric Nam, a curator who I worked on the project with.”

“Don’t pass the torch, we both know it was your idea, I just helped put it into motion.” His coworker smiles gazing at you. “And you must be the one Namjoon has talked so much about.” 

The heat rises to your face as you look to Namjoon who confirms the statement with his own embarrassment. “Thank you Eric for sharing that with her...”

“No problem, it’s the least I could do for someone who gave you the insp-”

Namjoon coughs and shakes his head, cutting off his verbose friend. 

You're about to question your partner himself when the other colleague of his starts asking you questions. “What do you do for a living Ms....” You remind her of your name while Namjoon spotting refreshments wanders off with a whispered promise to get you both a drink. 

“I-I work for Interlude Shipping, in their tracking department.” You explain clasping your hands together in an attempt to settle your nerves.

“Oh, how nice...” The false quaintness in her tone is matched with a smirk as she takes a sip of wine. “Maybe you can help me find out if my sister’s present will arrive in time tomorrow.” 

“Valerie...” Eric growls. 

“What? I’m merely curious about her employment.” She smirks at him before continuing to her inquisition. “How long have you worked there? Did you have to get a degree for your role?” 

“No,” This is exactly what you were afraid of coming here, you just didn’t think the judgement would be coming from someone who works with Namjoon. “I started there right after high school. I didn’t have the luxury to go to an elite school to work in a place like this.” 

Eric comes over and claps you on the back. “Neither did Valerie; she just has family on the board.” Giving a coy smile to his coworker who scowls and stalks off without another word to you.  “In fact you’ve actually done more work here than her in the past month. I hear you’ve been helping Namjoon secure the collection we’ve been after?” 

You nod looking off after the departed curator, worried as to what impact your interaction could have with Namjoon’s position here.

“Don’t worry about her. She’s just bitter that Namjoon didn’t ask her to accompany him here.”

“Oh, does she- do they-”

“Fuck no, but if she’s not everyone’s first choice she’s not happy.” Eric gets in a little closer. “You don’t have to worry about Namjoon looking elsewhere, if he’s at all hesitant it’s just because he’s a little cautious with you.”

“Why would he be cautious?”

“Why would who be cautious?” Namjoon asks, handing you a drink as he appears by your side again. 

 “Mr. Roth, that man should be careful. I heard he had hip surgery recently.” Eric responds, cutting in with a lie to cover your discussion. “It's good of him to still join us tonight, but enough about that, why don’t you go show her the exhibit before it gets too crowded in there?”

Namjoon offers up his arm in agreement. “I suppose we can get started on the tour, if you’d like.”

“Yes please,” You answer, threading your arm through his. “Thanks again Eric, it was nice meeting you.”

“You too, I’m sure I’ll see you again soon.” 

The stand next to the entrance bears all the names of those involved in the creation and a countless list of those who loaned out pieces to make it possible. “There’s so many involved, how large is this exhibit?”

“Not too big, you’ll see why there’s such a long list soon.”

When the door opens you find yourself in a hallway amidst what you can only describe as a snowstorm. The walkway, made to look like an alley set adrift in snow, with flickering lights and paper creations hanging from the ceiling. “Did you make any of those?” You ask, grinning as you squint through the flurrying beams.

“No, I left those to the talents of the students who came by on school field trips. It didn’t take them long before we had enough.”

“Find any new prodigies?”

“Several.” He answers, before pointing to the mounted photos on the wall. “But these works here are some of my favourites.” The pictures are framed to seem as though the viewer is looking in through the pains of a window to happy holiday scenes. From unwrapping presents around the tree to the busy crowds of your very own mall, each image sets out to draw from you a sense of nostalgia. 

“I can see why.” You find yourself lingering on the last of the photos by an accredited local photographer, savouring the display as much as you can, worried that it might end too soon. 

“Don’t worry,” Namjoon whispers, taking your hand in an eager urge to press on, “There’s plenty more to look at.” He points to the end of the hallway, where you find another door, though this one is dressed with a knocker and wreath looking as if it’s the entrance to someone's home.

You open the door to reveal a series of rooms connected by one long hallway. The first you step into you washes over you with warmth and comfort, the sound of a cracking fire surrounds you while the light of fake embers flows from the side. Set up through the room are tables of items from old to new ranging from Christmas tree ornaments, and household decorations to handwritten cards. “All of these-”

“Were loaned by families from the region, they gave a piece of their history and traditions up for most of the season so everyone could enjoy it. Over here we have...”

You could spend hours sitting and admiring in this room alone, but more than anything you want to push on more to see Namjoon’s excitement in sharing it with you. Each room features a different spot of the home. A chilly shed with vintage toboggans and sleds, a kitchen, stuffed with cookbooks and the smells of baking featuring countless cookie cutters of every shape and size. 

The next room is a little unusual and different from the rest, throwing you off for a moment, when the distinct scent of pine hits your nose. In the centre you find what look to be the replication of a massive trunk, and above false branches twinkling with lights. All round in a circle you find toys in glass cases spanning generations, when it hits you. “Are we under the Christmas tree?”

Namjoon gives you his coveted dimpled grin. “Yeah, do you like it?”

“I do. I can’t believe you managed all of this.” You exclaim hurrying between each display like a kid on Christmas morning. From wagons, and Rubik’s cubes, all the way to Furbies and gaming systems he has the whole collection of popular toys throughout the years.  

Namjoon beams with pride once you’ve circled the entirety of the fake trunk and the presents beneath it. “Only one room left, but I think you’ll like this one the most.”

You're ushered into the next, a dimly lit space, a bed with a quilted cover stands in the centre, and on the walls you find countless story books, pinned open to so their stunning art is on display, papering the room with climatic holiday scenes and loveable characters. In one you find Scrooge meeting the ghost of Christmas past, in another you witness the Grinch save the sleigh from a perilous fall. Namjoon was right, this is without a doubt your favourite. While people filter in and out, you take your time looking at each set of pages. Your pace slow and steady, until you reach the special story that stops you entirely, the book you lost long ago, and have been trying to find ever since. Drawn on the pages before you is a little blue koala, with a pale purple nose, round ears, and a smile that lights up his face as he cuts out dozens of snowflakes. Namjoon stands behind you with a hand on your shoulder as you gaze at the book you know to be titled ‘Koya’s Christmas.’ 

You take a deep breath, while trying not to bend to the tears that threaten to break from your eyes. Focusing your attention instead to seek out the owner of the book, but unlike most there is no nameplate attached to this desirable artifact. “Namjoon, who loaned this? Is there any way I could contact them?”

When he gives you a sad smile, your gut clenches over the possibility that this might be a similar issue to what happened at the auction, a lender who wishes to remain anonymous. The only difference here being that you’ll fight Namjoon for the information if you have to. You’ve already let this book escape from you last year, you refuse to let it happen again. “Please, I’ll-” Just when you are about to plead with Namjoon’s integrity, another memory of your past walks into the room, but this one unfortunately has more tragic ties. “Shit,” you whisper, shifting to put your date between you and the newcomer. 

Namjoon catching the change in your expression immediately reaches out in concern. “What? What’s wrong?”

“There's someone I know just over there,” You nod in the direction behind Namjoon. “I’d like to avoid him if I can. Sorry, it-it’s complicated. ”

 Namjoon puts his hands on your shoulders, eyeing a path the closest exit without letting go of you. “Do you want to leave?”

“If that’s okay?” And just when you thought you were free, when you were ready to make a break for the door. The man in question, spots you and calls out your name.

You turn to face him, trying your best to keep your tone even and your lips pulled into a smile. “Jackson? Hey, it’s good to see you.”

“It’s been so long, not since...” Thankful he stops, not dragging up the subject you wish to avoid. 

Namjoon moves closer, moving his arm from your shoulder around your waist, a comforting and protective gesture. “Dr. Wang... I had no idea the two of you were acquainted.” 

“You know him?” You ask Namjoon, your concern rocketing over what else your date might become privy to. 

“Dr. Wang was the phone bidder. I invited him here tonight to see the work we do.”

“The exhibit was impressive, I can’t wait to see what you have planned next.” Jackson confirms. 

“I should go and let the two of you discuss-” You ready to step away when Namjoon’s hand grabs yours and Jackson calls your name again.

“No reason for you to leave, we should catch up.”

“May-maybe later?” You plead with him fighting back the tears, pushing down the memories his presence drags up. “Sorry I just, I need to go.”

You pull your hand free and race to the exit.  

“Wait.” You can hear Namjoon call behind you. Though you continue to proceed out the exhibit and towards the closest exit outside, breaking into the cold evening air, only to find that he still followed. “Let me call for the car and we can go together.”

You stop in realization that your running will not deter him, he’ll pursue you unless you give him a reason otherwise. “No you should stay, this is your big event, I won’t ruin it for you.”

“Not without you.”

“Please Namjoon,” you beg, adamant that he return. “I don’t belong in there, I don’t fit in and I never will. Even when I try...” The ghosts of your past have a way of finding you and destroying your facade.

“I’ve told you before you belong in there more than anyone else-”

“That’s not true. I can barely keep myself together. I can’t, I can’t go back in, I'm sorry.”

“I don’t understand, what does Dr. Wang have to do with it? Did he hurt you? Did he-”

“No! No, he did nothing of the sort. Jackson was always very kind to me. Don’t let me affect your plans or any arrangement, you should go back and talk to him, I just can't be there.”  

“You think I’m going to just drop you for him, especially when he makes you so uncomfortable? No, I’m leaving with you.”

“Fuck, just... please listen to me. He is a good man, he’s a good doctor, you would be foolish to give up this chance.”

“A good doctor...” Namjoon pauses as a grimace hits his face. “Does he have something to do with your mother?”

“How-How do you know about that?” 

“I didn’t mean to pry, I swear. It's just, when I was first talking to Emma about you, out of concern she opened up about your past... about your mother, about your loss.”  

“She told you?” Aunt Emma, you should have known she would do something like that, god forbid at least one person not know your history. “Then all of this, these past few weeks were they all out of pity?” You should have known, there was no way he would like someone like you. It was all out of sorrow for what you’ve been through.

“Not pity no, I like you, I like you a lot. When Emma said you were pushing her and so many others away... I concealed it out of fear of losing you too. I wanted you to open up about it until you were ready. I was just trying to help you get through this.”

You look up at the museum, drawing a distressing connection between Namjoon’s daily life and you. “Why? You think I’m some abandoned project you rescued from a deceased’s estate? One for you to mend, and later show like an achievement? You should have just left me where I was, instead of breaking me further.”  

   Namjoon’s hands immediately pull back from you. “I never meant to hurt you. Only help you move on, you can’t deny that you are frozen in place. You have so much more potential, but you're living in denial.”

“I live there because it hurts less...” You snap back in fury, as he exposes your painful flaws. “I live there so I can work, so I can help others.”

“But what about you? When will you let someone help you?”

You step away unable to answer his question, turning your back on him you race to the sidewalk to hail a nearby taxi, refusing to let him see a single tear fall. 

Once home, you crawl into bed after throwing the dress to the floor. This was so far from the evening you had hoped it to be, with you instead left alone to ruminate on Namjoon’s words. Despising all the evidence he laid bare against you, turning it over again and again in your mind until your morning alarm startles you out of your stupor. Signalling for the last shift before your break for the holidays. 

...

-Christmas Eve- 

It’s finally here, the worst of all days at the call centre. With your eyes heavy from a lack of rest you take a seat at your desk with an extra large coffee in hand. On your computer you have this morning's team email pulled up, and attached to it a list of de-escalation tactics. You’ll need them today because if people don’t get their package by the end of the routes this evening, there’s no hope for tomorrow morning. 

The call board on your phone is already lighting up like a Christmas tree, but you know those little embers to be fuelled by wrath, fury and unkept promises of delivery dates.   

You try your best to remain calm during the egregious conversations. Offering up tips and tricks to parents who are worried that this will be the year that their child gives up on Santa because your company failed to deliver. 

Your lunch break can’t come soon enough. But when you finally check your own phone it’s littered with texts from Namjoon. Messages of concern, apologies, and the hopes that he will still see you at the wrapping station tonight. He even sent a picture of your abandoned coat and promised to bring it along. 

Fuck, you had completely forgotten about you wrapping shift together. Just one more night, then you can put it all behind you again. If you can just keep your cover for a few more hours then it’ll all be over and Aunt Emma will have what she was promised. 

You send Namjoon a quick message confirming that you will be there, but not promising any more before you head back to your desk. 

The calls get progressively worse with several people using foul language and demanding to speak to your supervisor, you try to talk them down as best you can knowing any call passed on to the higher ups will reflect poorly on your efforts.

Until one woman calling in search of her package finally wears you down, insulting you, your profession, even your family.

“Ma’am I’m sorry but if you continue to speak to be in such a way I am well within my right to disconnect the call.” A desperate bluff, your superiors would rather them end the call than you, you’ve been penalized for it before, and you’ll be damned if it happens again. But unfortunately she calls your hand.

“You will not! I have spent hours on the line trying to reach anyone. The shortsightedness of your company and staff is all too apparent.” 

“It’s the holiday sea-”

 “I know what time of year it is, but it seems your staff doesn’t realize Christmas is tomorrow!” 

“You ordered your package past the guarantee date, we could not insure-”

“Now you listen to me, if there was any form of intelligence in that office you’d be working hard to ensure that all packages make it out before tomorrow morning, but instead you just sit on your ass fielding phone calls and giving excuses so you don’t have to actually go out and do honest labour. You must be the biggest disappointment to your family, not even having a proper job. How can you go home and face them knowing you've left so many without their gifts?”

With the woman's last insult, something inside you finally snaps, giving you the freedom to do what you’ve dreamed of for so long. “I don’t,” you pronounce, building up to take your final shot at both her and your employment. “Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to let you go, as I’d rather not listen to your nonsensical bitching. So merry fucking Christmas to you ma’am, I suggest you go spend it with your own family if they’re willing to put up with your pompous ass.” You hang up the phone and pull off the headset, refusing to answer the next blinking light that comes on to replace it.

You just sit there looking at it denying the next caller their chance at verbal abuse, and your company's lax policy to protect you from it. The chatter of apologies continue to echo around you as your coworkers press on, but after the years of abuse you can no longer hold it in. Your company always said that this position was a stepping stone to greater things, that opportunities would come you just had to wait a little longer, but after being shackled by circumstances, and no forthcoming higher step to take, you refuse to press on any longer. 

...

You pull into the mall parking lot, far too early for your slot at the wrapping stand, with the contents of your desk now stationed in the trunk of your car. Taking refuge in the women's bathroom cleaning your face of the tears you shed on the way over as you try not to think too much about what you’ve just done. After refusing to concede and admit to any wrong doing you quit, telling them to shove their shitty policies right back where they came from.

Namjoon was right... and with the mall closing early tonight you’ll only have two hours with him, two hours to smooth the tension over and allow for an amicable goodbye while maintaining your cover. 

He’s already waiting for you, with your coat in hand, when you show up. The look of pity that you never wanted to see grace his face directed at you. “Are you okay?”

“Fine... I just would prefer if we didn’t talk about last night. I’m sorry for what I said, and now I just want to let it all go if that’s okay with you?” You smile up at him extending the olive branch.

Namjoon nods looking down at the floor as his hands habitually fold a scrap piece between his fingers. The silence between you is drowned out by the carols echoing down the emptying halls of the mall.

“Didn’t expect it to be so slow.” Namjoon mutters after what seems like an age with no one coming to the stand.

“On Christmas eve? Yeah generally people are home by now, spending time with their-” You force yourself to stop, unable to say a word which will bring sorrow to your heart and loneliness to Namjoon’s.  

 “I’m sorry I can’t do this,” Namjoon interjects. “I want to talk about last night, I need to talk about it.”

“Now is not the time.”

“There’s no one here but you and me. It’s just us, the mall is closing, it's our last shift, if not now when?”

“Anytime but now. The last twenty-four hours have been the worst in my life since-since...” You take a deep breath burying the wave of sadness and regret back down in your chest refusing to let it out. “Please, just forget it okay?”

“Not until you stop shielding yourself like that.” Namjoon scolds you. “I’m tired of you living in fear that your tears will erode your cover, and that your anger will tear it away entirely. I’m tired of you thinking that people will only appreciate you if you maintain this perfectly wrapped state. You might think it’s pretty, that it’s convenient for everyone else, but you are only keeping others out.” 

“Maybe I keep it on so that you won’t be disappointed in what you find when it’s discarded. A sad woman, with no direction, no dreams, unable to cope with loss, and I suppose I can add unemployed to the list now. Is that what you want to see? Is that what you want to find?”

“That’s not all you are... and as for your job, I’m sorry but fuck it. It’s about time you moved on to better things, that place was only holding you back, you deserve so much more.”

“No I don’t, do you want to know why I worked there? Do you? I took that job to make sure she got the care she needed. I promised her when she got better I would quit and find something else, but she never did. But if I leave now I’m accepting the fact that she’s gone... that she doesn’t need me anymore, because I couldn’t do enough to keep her here.” The first tear falls breaking through the long standing divide.

“Staying there wouldn’t have brought her back. Tormenting yourself by remaining frozen in place, won’t bring her back. It’s Christmas for god sake and you are being kind to everyone else but yourself.” 

“This isn’t Christmas for me. If it was, she would be here... not you. I’m tired too. I'm so tired of looking at her chair and- and-”

Namjoon wraps his arms around you pulling you forward as your emotions tear through the shroud. He moves you to the back of the vacant store sitting you among the boxes. “I’ll be right back okay?” You nod, while he tugs the table in and drags the gate down to indicate that you are now closed. When he returns his eyes too are starting to redden. His hands brush through your hair, the side of his palm pressing on your cheek and catching your tears. After seeing one of his own fall you crush yourself against his chest, clinging harder to him than before. His lips touch the top of your head, his hands rubbing on your back and arms as he waits, waits for you to be the first to pull away. The lights for every other store shut off around you the music lowers, all that’s left is the retreating chatter of those going to celebrate the eve of Christmas, and still you hold on to him. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been a very good substitute.” He whispers, encouraging you to finally lean back and admit your denial, accepting his efforts to help, when you yourself wanted to do the same for him. 

“Don’t say that, it was never going to be a happy holiday for me, just something I needed to get past. But for you, I at least wanted to make yours better, I’m sorry I wasn’t a very good one either.”

“You never were a substitute. You were the one I wanted to spend the holidays with. A different Christmas than usual but no less enjoyable.” 

“That’s sweet of you to say.” You smile, but you doubt it’s true. “I suppose we should go...” 

“What about all the supplies?”

“Emma will come by in a few days to collect it all.” You grab the small donation from the lock box and seal it in the plastic pouch, while Namjoon rummages through his own bag. “Do you still want a ride home?”

“If you're offering, I would love one.” The flap of his satchel closes as he stops his search and instead goes with you to the bank and finally your car. You hadn’t checked the forecast for tonight so finding your car buried in a few inches of snow comes as an unexpected sight. At least with Namjoon’s help cleaning it off is a quick task.

Once inside you both warm your hands on the sputtering heater, changing them on the wheel as you continue to thaw your fingers while you drive. 

“Do you have any plans for the next couple of days?” Namjoon presses, though hesitant in his tone.

“Maybe look for some jobs, and take a good long nap?” You answer with a dark chuckle, still preferring to miss the entire holiday if you could. “You?”

“No, nothing in mind. But if you wake up and want to come over, you're more than welcome to spend it at my place.”

You return both hands to the wheel as the road becomes more difficult to drive on, your tires slipping here and there on the ice beneath the snow. “I’ll think about it, though depending on how much snow we get tonight we might both be stranded at home.”

You pull through the neighbourhood gates and up Namjoon’s driveway. With the car stopped he once again dives into his leather bag and pulls out a thin rectangular gift he looks to have wrapped himself. Dressed as per usual, with far to many pieces of tape, he hands it over to you. “I know this won’t make up for everything, but I want you to have this. Consider it a very belated Christmas gift.” 

“Belated? But Christmas isn’t until tomorr-” You take the present and succeed in pulling back the wrapping to reveal the book that you were reunited with just the night before. “Oh...” You look up from the cover to find the return of the sad smile on his face you saw in the museum. “But if this is late then, last Christmas, it-it was you? You were the one at the stand... with this?”

...

-One Year Ago-

You are counting down the hours and minutes until the mall closes, until you can pick your mother up from her doctor's appointment and head home, to your promised tradition of putting up the decorations. The past few weeks have been so busy, with work, volunteer shifts, and her treatments at the hospital, you’ve made it all the way to Christmas eve with the tree and ornaments still packed away in boxes, sitting in the corner of your living room since December first. 

Aunt Emma is currently taking your mother’s position at the cashbox, thanks to the scheduling of the last minute check up. You light up your phone again checking the time, only an hour left. 

“You can head out if you want my love,” Aunt Emma offers while swaying and humming to the carols. “It’s quiet enough for me to manage myself.”

You grin embarrassed by your desire for a hasty departure. “No it’s fine. I’m still waiting for the phone call to say she’s done, otherwise I’ll just end up waiting at the hospital.”  

“Suit yourself.” She stands up to look down the halls of the mall. “Oh, I think we might have someone, he’s heading this way. He’s cute too, you should give him your number and put that mother of yours at ease.”

“Aunt Emma, I don’t need your dating-” You look in the direction she was speaking of losing the rest of your words when you find a tall beaming man coming closer to your station.

“If you need me I’ll just be in the back fetching more ribbon.” 

“But we have plenty.”

“Doesn’t hurt to be prepared.” She waves herself off when he makes it to your table.

“Hi,” He greets you with the warmest smile and an even tone. “I was wondering if I could get these wrapped together?” He holds up a bag of gifts which he hands over to you.

“Of course. Any preference on paper?”

“Whatever you think is best, it’s for my mom. Just a bottle of her favourite perfume and something a little more special.”

You open the bag to find a small box containing the fragrance, and the other what looks to be a kids picture book. But what initially seems to be an odd choice for his mother, slams your chest with nostalgia when you see the cover and read the title.

“Koya’s Christmas.” You laugh with delight, you can’t stop yourself from smiling when you examine the artistry. The memories it brings back is enough to make your eyes well with tears.

“You know it?” The man asks, looking pleasantly stunned. 

“Know it? I had it memorized as a child. I loved it so much I couldn't bear it when it was packed away at the end of Christmas each year.”

“Me neither, I flat out refused to let it go, I read it year round to the point where our old copy is currently falling apart on the shelf. Even made snowflakes to put in my windows like he did.”

“That’s right, that scene was one of my favourites. May I?” You gesture asking him for permission to look through it. He nods just as excited as you by the concept of something so sentimental. As you flip through the book you recall the beautiful storyline of a koala living in Australia, one who is so upset that they must celebrate Christmas in the summer, never getting to have a while Christmas described in the songs and shown in the movies. But once Koya talks to the leaves in the trees, and the other small animals of the forest, the realization hits that none of them would be able to stay there if it was cold enough for snow. 

You are so close to tears when you reach the page where the little koala realizes it’s more important to have friends for the holiday than the frozen flurries. Proceeding to stay up all night cutting out perfect snowflakes to hang in the windows for all to enjoy at the family's Christmas Eve party. 

“Where did you find a copy? I’ve looked for so long, I lost my own in the move here.”

“I actually found it by chance, amongst a bunch of rare second-hand books at an auction.” The man itches at the back of his head. “Sorry, I can’t be of more help in locating another.” 

“No it’s fine. I’m just glad I got to see it again. I’ll have to tell my own mom that I was lucky enough to see a copy, she loved it as much as I did.” 

You quickly wrap the two gifts in the one sheet as requested. Handing it back to him before you can be tempted enough to make an excessive offer of your own on his mothers gift. 

“Thanks again.” He hands you two twenties for the donation. “My mom usually helps me with the wrapping but I didn’t want her to see this, you’ve made her Christmas.”

“I’m glad I could help.”

When he walks off you notice that he makes several glances back to you, holding a smile each time. 

“So did you get his number?” Aunt Emma pokes her head back out from the stock area. “Maybe his social media, his dick-dock or whatever it is you kids do these days?” 

“No, I did not get his tiktok.” You answer, unable to contain your laughter. “I was distracted by-” You’re ready to defend yourself when your phone starts vibrating on the table, the screen lit up with the number of your mother’s doctor’s office. You answer it, excited to share your account of the book. “Hey mom, you all finished? You’ll never believe what I just wrapped-”

“Sorry dear this is Laurie, I’m just calling on behalf of Dr. Wang’s office. We were hoping you could come by as soon as you can, the doctor would like to meet with both you and your mother before she leaves for the day.”

“Y-yeah, I’ll be right down.” You hang up the phone taking a deep swallow of fear, the moment of happiness and nostalgia vanishing with the prospect of the news to come. It’s never been a good sign when they’ve wanted to meet with you both in person. 

Aunt Emma catches on in an instant, pushing your coat on your shoulders and your purse in your hand. “Go, I’ve got this. You give your mother a big hug for me, and I’ll stop by soon to see you.”

...

While you try to relive, to pull back and hold on to, that moment from a year ago, Namjoon nods confirming your suspicions.

You mentally kick yourself for not recognizing him, for not remembering a single thing about him except your connection with the book. But after everything you had gone through, in that night alone, the devastating news regarding your mothers health had blacked out everything else. You took her home that night, trying not to cry, trying to be strong for her. Helping her into bed for some much needed rest, leaving your previous plans boxed up in the corner... where they remain to this very day. And the year only got worse leaving your mind engaged elsewhere, far from the man with the kind smile and similar taste in literature. “I’m sorry, I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you sooner.”

“No, it’s fine, it was a while ago, and I’m the one who should be sorry,” He whispers. “The moment I stepped outside that day, I realized you needed it more than my mother needed a second. I went back, but you were already gone. I was selfish though, rather than leaving it with another, I wanted to be the one to give it to you myself, I wanted to see you, to talk to you again, and so I kept it. I even put it in the exhibit on the chance that you might find it. When I met Emma at the museum and found out that you’d be doing the fundraiser again it seems like fate, but then I heard about what had happened since I saw you last. I realized how foolish I had been, how I had stolen your chance to share it with her before she passed.”

You reach up to your face attempting to wipe away the tears before Namjoon can see anymore, but he catches your hands before you can hide your grief.

“When you saw the book that day, you have no idea the impact it had on me. Watching you react, your emotions so close to the surface. You didn’t care where you were, what you were doing, all you could see was the memory in front of you. I wanted to create that for everyone.”

“Then the museum exhibit-”

“Was a result of my meeting you, my breakthrough idea which got me a chance to curate was thanks to your reaction. I was going to tell you when we were there, why you deserved to be there more than anyone else, but everything fell apart so quickly.” 

“I’m so sorry, I never intended to ruin your night. I just-” You take a deep breath, finally letting out the words you’ve been holding back. “I was scared. Jackson was one of my mother’s doctors, he was always friendly and kind to the point where my mother would joke that he would make the perfect son-in-law. We even went on a date, but when she passed... it was difficult, painful for me to see him again. Finding him there last night, I was so worried you would learn about what had happened, and that you would look at me with the same pity he did, so I ran.��� 

“You didn’t ruin it, I deserved what you said for not being more open with you about what I knew. I was scared of losing you. So no more running, no more hiding okay?”

You give him a nod, unable to speak through the tears as you gasp between sobs. He hugs you across the cars divide. “Now will you please come inside? At least for a bit. It’s Christmas Eve and I can’t let you go home like this. I have the snowflakes up and everything but we both know it’s not enough without someone else to see them with.” 

You shake your head, now laughing despite the tears, “You really know how to reel me in.”

“I’m just admitting that I don’t want to be alone on Christmas,” He looks at you with a raised brow. “And I don’t think you want to be either.”

...

Namjoon’s house is the very opposite of your apartment, filled with warmth and light, wooden furniture and plants in every corner. The Christmas decorations bring another layer of himself into the fold. As promised, his window pains are full of snowflakes and the sills... you squint at several small blue lumps perched beside the glass. Moving closer you recognize them as clay koalas made by the skill and hands of a much younger age. Namjoon catches you staring at one position in a dozing state. He takes it off the ledge and hands it to you to give a better look. 

“Careful with that one though,” He points to another figure stationed in the corner. “It’s ears like to fall off.” He rolls the round bit of clay out of position chuckling as it exhibits the trait. 

“Did you make these?”

“When I was a kid. My mom held on to them.” Namjoon muses as he continues to fidget with the figurine. “She dropped off a box of decorations before going off to be with my sister and her family.”

“I’m glad she did.”

“Me too. But even with all the trimmings and decor here this year doesn’t feel quite normal.” He replaces them both in their rightful positions of honour and gestures to the massive couch behind you. “Make yourself comfortable,” he insists, before wandering off to the joint kitchen. “Is there anything I can get you to drink?” 

“I’ll have whatever you're having.” You take a seat on the monstrous cushions, which ease you in before swallowing you in comfort. Making it easy to see how this beast of a sofa has eaten several of his several earbuds. 

“Beer okay?”

“Perfect.”

He comes round with the drinks and takes a seat beside you. Turning on the television he lets it play with low volume in the background so you might continue your conversation if you wished, but at the same time eases the pressure from you if you’d rather not. 

You smile down at your beverage as the overly dramatic film plays out. Your mind still lingering on the damage that you might have caused with your hasty departure the night before.

“Have you talked to Jackson since, is he still going to loan the sketches?”

“He wants to, he sent me an email today saying so...” Namjoon pauses taking a sip of his drink, swirling the contents around in the can. “He asked if you were okay too. I haven’t responded yet, I wanted to talk to you first and get the full story, rather than speak on your behalf. But it’s clear he has feelings for you, if you told him how you felt, I’m sure you could still work things out if you wanted to.”

“No, I don’t think it’s feelings but his concern. He’s just too good of a person not to worry, and I’m sure his own guilt has a place in there too. Jackson and I never would have worked out, we went on that date, we didn’t have much in common, there was nothing there that I wanted to pursue, not like my time with you.”

Namjoon’s eyes perk open as he smiles. His arm reaches around, pulling you in to lean on his side and shoulder. As the strained plot plays out before you. 

“Why do you insist on watching these.” You ask as your eyes become heavy after a few minutes. Leaning into Namjoon more he lays back putting his feet up and sliding you down with him to do the same. Your head now resting on his chest the deepness of his voice carrying down to your ear. 

“They’re like the snowflakes-”

“A paper thin plot full of holes?”

“Funny and true, but not what I meant. I know they are by no means real, but they have this way of adding to the feeling of the season. I didn’t realize how much of a tradition it has become for me and my family until this year, when watching them alone just felt wrong. The movies were an excuse to sit down with them, to talk and laugh. The other night when I called, it wasn’t that I couldn’t sleep, I just wanted to spend the time with you.”

“But why me? You could have anyone, even Valerie seems to-”

“Why would I want anyone else when you helped me achieve something I’ve long dreamed of? You may think this cheesy but at the end of all these films, when everything comes together wrapped in a perfect bow, that’s how I’ve felt in every moment with you.”

“You’re right, very cheesy, but not unwanted.” You look up at him from his chest finding only sincerity in his face. “Now if we’re to continue in this similar Hallmark course of action, I do believe this would be the part where you kiss me again.”

“But I’m just the clumsy lead,” Namjoon jokes. “I’m pretty sure that’s your-” You lean in doing just that, cutting him off and pushing him against the couch as you kiss him. His chest quaking with silent laughter soon turns to rumbling groans as you fulfil the expectation of your role. “Though this would also be the part where I tell you we should wait before giving into temptation.”

Your nose scrunches up in displeasure over the notion of such abstinence. “Then let's omit that line, and go off script for the rest of the night.”

Namjoon takes his turn, flipping you over to push you down onto the plush cushions, where you sink under his weight. “Gladly,” he growls, his mouth trailing down your neck pulling on the collar of your sweater to seek further in. 

Desiring the same you discard your own knit garment, before moving on to unfasten the buttons of his shirt, pushing it back until he is forced to tear his hands from the sleeves himself and whip it down to the ground. 

Sliding between your thighs he wraps your legs around his back and picks you up off the couch. With an arm wrapped around your waist, he continues to kiss you while you squeal from being lifted into the air. 

“Bedroom?” You ask, excited by the possible prospect.

He nods, looking up at you with a smirk. “If that’s okay? I’d rather not risk losing you to the couch too.”

You giggle at the notion, while Namjoon heaves you up again to get a better grasp, his mouth tucking into your chest. He fumbles for the door now behind you looking as though he might break it open if the knob won’t turn to his grappling grip. You reach back to assist and push it open. The cool air of the room hits you, causing you to cling to Namjoon’s warmth. 

With two more steps you’re lowered onto the bed, where he grips the waist of your pants, unbuttoning and tearing them down your legs. Laying on the edge of the mattress, you watch as Namjoon kneels down between your legs. His hands glide up your bare legs and pause at the tops of your thighs massaging them as he asks to go further. “May I?”

You take his fingers and press them down on the dampening fabric. Namjoon groans and dips the tip of his index below the material peeking inside to find the warmth of your cunt. It’s a pity it’s so dark in the room, you would have liked to see his smile. 

But it seems you're not alone in this desire, as Namjoon gets up and reaches over flicking on the lamp beside his bed. “No more hiding, I want to see you, all of you.” 

“I want that too. I want you.” 

He smiles kissing you with both hands before rolling over and pulling you on top of him. You return the favour by taking off his pants and boxer briefs releasing his erection. Running your fingers down the soft skin of his shaft, curling them around the base. Tilting his cock towards your mouth you take the tip, teasing your tongue on the rim of the head. Namjoon groans in delight, thrusting his hips up, you take it again as far as you can manage, enjoying his reactions to your tongue trails downward, tracing the swelling veins of his dick. With another drag of his cock you release him with the pop of your lips and he reaches down to grip your arms, breathing heavily with closed eyes.

“I thought you said you wanted to see me?” You chuckle at his undoing.

“I do, but I also want to last.” 

“Condoms?” You ask, continuing to stroke his cock while you adjust to straddle his thighs.

“In there.” He mutters, pointing to his bedside table breathless and helpless to your touch. Only looking up when you have to free him to reach for the box and unwrap its contents. His own hands help you to roll it down his shaft. 

You guide yourself down on his cock while Namjoon arches against his pillow and mattress. His fingers tracing up your stomach and ribs. You reach back to unclasp your bra just as he reaches your chest, and lean down into his touch. 

With his firm grip you rock your hips clenching on his dick and grinding your clit on his pelvis. The louder he gets the faster you move, trembling as you chase your own high and pivoting down further. When Namjoon’s hands grip your hips pressing you into him the pressure becomes far too great pushing you over the edge, sending waves of pleasure through you until you collapse on his chest. He holds you in place as he thrusts from beneath, gasping as your climax continues, coaxing you to clench down on him, straining his thrusts until he comes. 

Dotting the side of your face and neck with his lips at a soft and slow pace, he succeeds in forging another smile in your still gasping lips. He tilts you off and beside him in your blissful haze so he may dispose of the filled barrier. When returning to your grasp you cling to him and he you, dragging the covers up and over the both of you.  

“I could get used to this.” You whisper, curling into his warmth. No longer afraid of the emotions that the holiday will bring. Glowing over the prospect of not facing Christmas morning alone, but wrapped together with Namjoon in the sheets of his bed. “Maybe even consider it a new tradition?” You joke with him looking up to witness his smile.

“If that’s a tradition...” Namjoon whispers, coming in for another kiss. “I plan on celebrating Christmas everyday for the foreseeable future.”

[scarlettroubles]

Okay so I’ve been recently getting back into bnha, so uh me and @struckbyelectriclove​ have been clowning non-stop on a bnha au with our kids

So have exchange student, Eileen Ryder, AKA Lady Valor!

Eileen’s Quirk is called Power Hydra and is a combination of her father’s Twin Dragons quirk and her mother's Orb Healer quirk. Eileen’s quirk allows her to summon four different colored dragons out of her back that, depending on their color, can either send out powerful energy beams at foes to deal damage or heal her allies.

More Info on Elly’s quirk and the AU under the cut!

Her gold and red dragon’s deal damage while her blue and green one’s deal healing.

Although her quirk allows for more flexibility in the field since she acts as both a healer and a fighter, compared to her dad's dragons, they're only half as strong (it's theorized it's due to their small size in their natural state).

Eileen can make the dragons swell in size if she wills it but by doing so the harder they are to control and the greater the risk of her losing control over her quirk

When it comes to the healing part of Eileen’s quirk, the person she’s healing’s overall health and fitness, the extent of their injury and their blood type all factor in on how well she can heal them and how much energy is needed to heal them.

Because her quirk saps out her energy, she prefers to use her tail as a weapon and have her dragons just restrain the foe in their jaws. She likes to finish a fight as soon as possible in order to preserve more energy for the more dangerous foes she might face in the field in the case that there are multiple enemies.

Good at hand-to-hand combat and has a dagger hidden on her in case she can't use her quirk for whatever reason.

The scales on her dragon’s and her tail are very tough and help to minimize impact and can also be launched at will to create a devastating wide range attack but is a move Eileen can only use when in an open space in order to avoid accidentally hurting her allies so she rarely uses it.

When her quirk is not activated, it takes the form of a tattoo on her back.

Eileen actually has a pair of wings that come with her quirk but her right wing has sustained such heavy damage from a villain attack that it has rendered her unable to fly with them so she keeps them tucked away because of the trauma she endured.

All four of her dragons have a mind of her own and help her to spot an enemy's weak spot. Hearing her dragon's thoughts and seeing what they see was very disorienting in the beginning but she's gotten better at handling it.

The dragons also like to play with each other and the rest of her classmates when Elly is taking downtime or having a nap. They often play chess, cards or when Elly is napping in the dorm's living room, video games.

All four of them have names corresponding to the zodiac signs

The gold one is Ari (Aries), the red one Lee (Libra), the blue one Leo and the green one Capri (Capricorn)

Story facts:

Eileen comes from a family of heroes and was the only child of Edward and Julianna Ryder to receive a quirk that was a mutation of their own respective quirks. When she was nine, she and her sisters went to a newly built planetarium/museum in the area only for it to be attacked by villains and for the building to fall apart. 

Eileen awoke to find herself pinned under a metal beam and her sister Elaina trying desperately to lift it off. Elaina called out for Eliza to help her only to find her being stared down by a villain that looked like a wolf. Elaina bravely went against the villain despite being so young in order to buy her sisters time to escape but ultimately perished. 

Security footage later found out that the girl's older brother Jacob seemed to have helped in smuggling the villains in and even participating in the attack. The family received thousands of death threats and we're under intense scrutiny from the public. It got to the point that Edward was being pressured to resign as a hero but upon learning of this, Eileen bravely faced her dad’s higher-ups and struck a deal with them. She would train to become a powerful hero and become their pawn to use and her dad wouldn't need to give up his job as a hero and the rest of her family would be protected and be left alone. They accepted the deal and immediately put her through hellish training.

Years later, Eileen finds her brothers journal that revealed he had discovered something sinister happening at the hero school he went to in the country and urged Elly that if she somehow managed to find his journal and was currently reading it, to finish what he started and save the kids in that school from the inner villainy going on on its grounds. 

Elly somehow managed to convince her superiors to let her continue her training and education at the hero school her brother went to and immediately began her investigation.

Eventually finds out that the school is being used as a recruitment center for a group of highly wanted villains and that the principal and several other school staff are involved in it.

Works with several other students to expose the school's dark acts and is found out by the villains.

One of Eileen's friends are killed by the villain (I guess this AU’s equivalent to Rakepick) and torture Elly by destroying her right wing.

Eventually ends up having one last face off with the villain and is forced to kill them when they manage to break free of their restraints and begin to start charging up their quirk again to release a one last devastating attack that, if reached full charge, would kill every hero and civilian within the area. Eileen uses her dragons to launch herself and the villain straight into a pole, killing the villain upon impact but severely injuring Eileen.

After the battle, her and Kat  @struckbyelectriclove​) reveal to each other that they’re gonna be transferring to a new school and cry over it

Only to see each other at U.A High’s entrance and running into each other’s arms and ugly crying over it like the dumbasses they are LMAOOOO.

Kat and Eileen often team up and call themselves The Feral Duo.

Eileen’s Hero stats:

Power:  ★★★★★ 5/6 

Speed:  ★★★★ 4/6

Technique:  ★★★★★ 5/6

Intelligence:  ★★★★★ 5/6

Cooperativeness:  ★★★ 3/6

Sass:  ★★★★★★ 6/6

THERE’S HONESTLY A LOT MORE ME AND CHARLIE MADE FOR THIS AU INVOLVING OUR KIDS BECAUSE WE CLOWNED FOR ABOUT 3 DAYS STRAIGHT ABOUT IT BUT THAT’S THE GIST OF IT BASICALLY.

[thequietmanno1]

Thelreads, MHA 254, Replies Part 2

1) “Fuck`s sake mic, call his parents here? You crazy or something? You want them to have to suffer with this knowledge?”- More than anything, I think that was the tipping point for Aizawa. It’s bad enough he had to suffer with this harsh truth, but he couldn’t stand the thought of passing it onto other people who’ve spent years mourning Shirakumo’s passing and giving them new torments for the remainder of their lives. Better for the suffering to end with him than them. That said, it also shows how seriously the police and the heroes are trying to stop All For One’s plans, that they’re genuinely considering re-traumatising Kumo’s parents in the hopes it could provide a vital clue to unearth what machinations he’s left working in the shadows whilst he’s locked up.

2) “At least Aizawa agrees with me, there`s no need to make his parents have to mourn a second time.”- I wonder if Aizawa’s experiences with raising Eri, aware of what painful things were done to her and doing his best to counterbalance that with a lifetime of good memories for her going forward, wasn’t also a factor in him wording it like that.

3) “And as expected, he doesn`t remember anything about them for now, but with the power of

nope, no jokes allowed, only pain.”- Given the implications at chapter’s end that Aizawa’s appeal is managing to work on Kurogiri somewhat, even with the risk of reminding him of the hellish truth of his existence and the fact that he’s technically dead, it could really be said we’re breaking through his brainwashing with the power of pain and trauma.

4) “Well, and the first thing he asked about was if Shigaraki was okay. He was rewired like that after all, that`s all he can think about at the moment.”- That, and that kind of base instinct was something so instinctual to Shirakumo that it gave AFO and Gakurai the perfect test subject to make a incredibly devoted and loyal career for Tomura out of. Makes you wonder how Kumo would have been if he’s become a teacher, huh? 5) “Mic, can you kindly shut up? We`re trying to do an interrogation here, and Aizawa seems to have an idea where he wants to get to with this line of questions, let him do his work.”- How fitting that the man with the sight-based quirk that nullifies powers, and thus logically should expel the smoke quirk around his friend’s body, literally cannot see through the lies that mask his old friend’s appearance until he sits down and talks to Kurogiri face to face. Given how well their particular abilities now counter and affect each other, you can see the Irony in their situation even more, that Kurogiri’s unique body type means he can probably best counter Aizawa’s quirk more than anybody, to the point that Aizawa made sure his power was affecting him before he woke up to avoid any chance of him escaping.

6) “Oh? What was that Mic? what was that reaction Mic? What did you realized that you immediately looked at Aizawa?”- He’s realised that looking after a ‘gloomy brat’ all day long was exactly what he and Shirakumo used to do all the time for Aizawa himself, so despite his sincere denial, there is a piece of his old friend left underneath all that smog... And also gives new context to Tomura and Aizawa’s semi-antagonistic relationship, as despite Aizawa having nothing but contempt for the teenage villain, Aizawa seems to be the only hero Tomura has some sincere respect for, despite hating absolutely everything else about hero society and heroes in particular. I guess maybe if he’d become a hero, Tomura would have grown up to Idolise Aizawa, like Izuku did for All Might and no:6 did for O’Clock.

7) “Ah, right, the interrogation. They are trying to get some reaction out of Shi- of Kurogiri, but there`s nothing there. The shell is empty of its original contents, a new resident inhabits it now.”- New, perhaps, but so completely different to his original self? Not as much as he’d like to have you believe. 8) “Oh, some flashbacks, but unfortunately it`s not Kurogiri the one having them, its Aizawa. All that dam holding back his past is now crashing down.”- In some ways, Aizawa never exactly properly processed the grief and loss he felt with kumo’s passing. Having the chance to talk to him again, even if it’s not really ‘him’ behind the wheel, is bringing back all the old painful memories, starting with their childhood and leading up to their current situation, reviewing it all and wondering how they both turned out this way. What twist of fate lead Kumo to become the monster’s servant and Aizawa to become the teacher of the future his friend always aspired to be?

9) “Alright, almost it. It was about how he`s the one that pulled Aizawa kicking and screaming and yelling into the path of true heroism, the inspiration behind his current self, and all the things he did for him before it all came crashing down on top of him”- If there’s one thing AFO loves to do, it’s warping the image of something that inspired you into a grotesque mockery of the original happy ‘dream’ self just to mock all that you’ve done in its name since and spit upon your concept of decency and heroism. He did the exact same thing to All Might through Nana Shimura’s grandson, and he’s done it again here. Sure, Kumo’s death was a happy accident for him and he wasn’t planning on mocking Aizawa specifically when he mutilated his friend’s corpse for his own purposes, unlike his aims for Yagi, but twisting a hero hopeful into a villainous servant for his plans was something that put a smile on his face alright.

10) “Pipe down the sass Kurogiri, or we`re gonna bring an industrial fan and splatter you onto the walls. Let Aizawa do his confession, god knows he bottled this up for way too long.”- I wonder how much of him would blow away and how much of his solid ‘core’ would remain behind if we did that. We saw a little before in USJ that he can be affected by high winds, but his body was also partly through a smoky portal at the time, so it’s unclear how much of himself can be affected by air blasts.

11) “Why would you do that Aizawa? Huh? Why would you forgot to mention Midnight, Aizwa? You know that he had a small crush on her, Aizawa. Aizawa, you should have mentioned Midnight. I won`t forgive you for not mentioning Midnight, Aizawa.”- I guess her and her sex appeal was plan B if Aizawa and Mic failed to get through to him, but on the other hand, maybe the two of them don’t want to involve her in this situation at all. It’s bad enough they have to go through it, they probably want to keep Midnight in the dark about Kumo’s true fate to the best of their ability. Though thinking about it, that moment in USJ when the teachers turned up to bail out All Might from Tomura’s last attack was an unknown reunion of the quartet in hindsight.

12) “……..?

excuse me, I think my meds are kicking in, I think I imagined the chapter implying that Aizawa never expelled a single student, and its all a facade to make he seem strict and unforgiving, and I do hope its the meds making me imagine that, or I`ll be really pissed.”-  Ok, whilst this does defang Aizawa’s threats to Midoria and the rest during that quirk aptitude test, it also actually explains how Aizawa had the authority to pull a stunt like that in the first place. Expelling a bunch of kids from a prodigious school like UA, based on his own personal opinions, not to mention an entire class of hero hopefuls, would actually hurt the school’s reputation a lot and lead to complaints agasitn them from the families of the affected, especially considering the large numbers of students aiming to get into UA that have to be discarded to make the 20-student classes. The world of MHA is one where actions often have realistic consequences, to the point that the repeated attacks on the students lead to increased scrutiny and criticism of UA’s ability to actually protect its students and doubts about its ability to provide a decent education for them, Aizawa arbitrarily expelling student who didn’t match up to his high stands would have negatively affected the school as the number one place to learn how to be a hero, so there clearly had to be a catch to explain how he was allowed to get away with it all. And whilst he has the ability to choose to re-enroll them in the hero course, that actually isn’t a guarantee that he always will or did with prior students who really weren’t ready to be heroes yet. Given Aizawa was unaware of Izuku’s issues with OFA, him singling him out of the class as the likeliest to get expelled was Aizawa thinking he was  giving Izuku more time to train and prepare himself to better use his quirk as a hero in the field, pointing out how his current usage was short-sighted as a means of highlighting how he should do better next time- he genuinely wasn’t expected Izuku to improvise a solution on the spot despite his poor quirk handling, allowing him to see that Izuku could rapidly improve himself with the right guidance without needing to be expelled. He was flawed in his perception of Izuku, and that in turn was corrected for him by his future student’s willpower and ingenuity, to the point he’s had high expectations of Izuku’s career as a hero ever since, rule breaking and self-mutilation aside. And frankly, from what we’ve seen, Izuku getting more time to train with OFA really would have been nothing but beneficial to him. And it should be noted, just because he doesn’t actually expel them, doesn’t mean the black mark isn’t left behind on their permanent records forever because of it. In an education-driven environment like Japan, something like that will make things like getting a good high-paying job much harder for them. 13) “OH THE TEARS GOT OUT

YOU BEEN HOLDING THAT FOR QUITE SOME TIME, HAVEN`T YOU AIZAWA?

THAT`S ALRIGHT, LET THEM FLOW, THAT ALSO WILL HELP MOIST YOUR EYES AND KEEP YOUR QUIRK ACTIVE FOR LONGER”- Behold, the real reason Aizawa activated his Quirk when dealing with Kurogiri.

@thelreads​

[layercake]

Why Naoto is Heavily Trans Coded, and How The Discussion Surrounding Him Needs to Change

Hello, I’ve never written or posted anything like this before LOL so this is a bit daunting. But this subject is something that’s been bothering me for a long time, and I wanted to get it out somewhere. So let’s talk about how Naoto Shirogane is heavily trans coded, and how the fandom has a problematic culture surrounding the issue that really needs to change.

Tw // discussion of misogyny , transphobia , and mentions of harassment

Initial Shadow Confrontation 

Since the discussion is most often about what’s “canon” and what’s not, let’s first take a look at what the game actually does give us about Naoto’s character. During the confrontation with Naoto’s shadow, we learn that Naoto idolized detectives as a kid, and wanted to be one himself when he was older.

However, this posed a problem for him in multiple ways. One, he was (is) still a child, and the people in his field don’t take him seriously because of it. He tries desperately to escape this fact, to try and act as mature as possible, but ultimately he can’t change how others will perceive him at his age.

This is what the shadow confrontation focuses on most heavily. But then it switches to discussing the other part of the issue-- the fact that Naoto’s ideal image of a detective is a man, and he “isn’t.” 

At the end, Yukiko says “You must know already that what you yearn for isn’t to become an adult or to become a boy,” and Naoto accepts it. This is what most people point to when saying that Naoto can’t be trans, because he agrees that it wasn’t what he wished for. So, easy, right? If you take this as him telling the truth, then it looks like an open and shut case-- he isn’t trans. But Naoto’s actions don’t really fit what he says here. 

The issue starts with these next lines (below) in particular. To me, Naoto’s tone in the first line is regretful, and doesn’t strike me as a sentiment someone who is cisgender would necessarily hold. Why would he want to “change into a man?” To fit his ideal image of a detective? As he says here, yes.

(Real quick before I continue, it’s not clear in the dialogue screenshot but it’s important to note that Naoto does say “yes” to Yukiko’s question about him not liking being a girl. He nods his head)

The narrative that the game tries to go with after this is that the “ideal image” Naoto wanted to live up to, including the male aspect of it, was unattainable and formed primarily because he felt that was the only way he could be a detective. 

But, is this really that much of a problem? We all look up to certain types of people, people that we want to be like-- and for many, this can factor into gender identity as well. If Naoto really just wanted to be a cool, male detective, that doesn’t at all negate that being trans would be a part of that for him. 

Naoto’s other words and actions, as well as the framing of this scene as a whole, make the scenario feel a lot less believable to me for multiple reasons. Naoto never initiates the conversation that him wanting to be a boy is incorrect-- Yukiko does. Naoto isn’t even the one to trigger his shadow-- Kanji does that. Naoto had a lot less agency in a lot of these decisions than the other characters did with their shadows. 

Naoto’s Continued Actions

The fragility of the narrative Atlus put together for Naoto continues to grow throughout the rest of the game, due to the way he behaves after the initial shadow confrontation.

For starters, it’s implied that Naoto is not his birth name, something that i think a lot of people either miss or forget about-- and yet he continues to go by it throughout the course of the game. We never find out his deadname and he never expresses a desire to share it with anybody.

The day after the “reveal,” Naoto doesn’t change anything about his appearance, mannerisms, or how he presents himself. He honestly seems uncomfortable with the fact that everyone has found out, in a way that felt much like being outed to the whole school, as opposed to finally being seen and accepted for who you “really” are.

I understand that such a drastic shift in people’s perception of you would be overwhelming to anybody, no matter if you were cis or not. But if Atlus really wanted to hone in on the idea that Naoto was happy about this change, they could’ve at least made him…. Well, happy about it. Even if it was just a small smile, just a tiny indication of relief even despite how hard it will be to adjust, it would’ve made it at least a little more believable that this is what he really wanted.

But that’s not the case. Instead, he’s uncomfortable, he still binds, he still wears the school’s male uniform, and he still goes by Naoto. The only time any of this actually changes is if you as the protagonist push him to, which… is a whole other mess.

The fact that Naoto has even gotten to this point, though, speaks more volumes to me than anything else. Passing is not easy. Coming out is not easy. Naoto would have had to go through difficult lengths in order to get not only his school, but the country and media to see him as a man.  He’s a well-known "detective prince".. someone was bound to look up his records and find out about it. That's a huge risk to take.

In addition to this, he binds. He goes by masculine pronouns and a masculine name. He very audibly changes his voice to be more masculine. I don’t know how to tell you this, but this is just…. not something cis people do? At least not comfortably. 

In fact, doing all of this would have been incredibly uncomfortable for Naoto if he was cis. As someone who experiences dysphoria, looking like and being seen as a gender you are not can be really, really painful. If transitioning was something he really didn’t want, why would he put himself through all of that? Was it really to escape misogyny? Me asking this isn’t minimizing the issue at all, because I understand that it’s incredibly serious and hard for countless women. But I would generally think someone’s first reaction to facing misogyny isn’t to… completely change their identity and present as a different gender.

On top of being probably the hardest option of escaping misogyny available to him, and one of the most uncomfortable, presenting as a man doesn’t necessarily get rid of any prejudices Naoto may face. In fact, I would argue that it’s considerably more dangerous. Especially in a rural town like Inaba, where people seem to not really understand or approve of being LGBT. Naoto is smart, he would have thought of all of this. So why?

Inherent Transphobia of Naoto’s Arc 

There is something to be said about how much misogyny is present in Japan’s workforce, especially in fields like Naoto’s, and the importance there is in discussing that. The base idea behind his struggles and message isn’t inherently a bad one, but the way the game went about it was problematic because it put down transgender identities in the process.

The first time I watched Naoto’s shadow confrontation, it was really distressing to me. The game continuously repeats the idea that you can’t “cross the barrier of the sexes,” that Naoto “can never really be a man,” and  that “you can change your name, but you can never change who you “really” are.” I hope I don’t need to explain why this is a problem.

Naoto’s wish to be a man, regardless of what was driving it, is depicted as something temporary and childish. Something that Naoto “didn’t really want,”  something that was just an excuse to run away from the misogyny he was facing. Even if it was unintentional, this message is incredibly harmful to transgender people.

It would have been a better and much more coherent message about misogyny if the writers had steered clear of trans themes entirely. In fact, I think they did so well with Sae’s character in Persona 5-- she’s in the same field of work, facing very similar struggles, but she doesn’t react in the same way as Naoto at all. 

Kanji and Homophobia 

It’s even worse that Naoto’s “reveal,” on top of being problematic by itself, is used as a method to bury Kanji’s exploration of his own sexuality. The problems with Kanji’s own shadow are bad enough to warrant their own long rant, but the reveal that Naoto was “really a girl” this whole time allows the story to completely wave off his gayness for good.

This isn’t something unique to this game-- the trope of “two boys fall in love, but one of them turns out to be a girl so it’s fine” has been used numerous times in other media to explore the topic half-assedly. It plays with the “exoticness” or “drama” of a gay romance, but backs off at the end in order to uphold societal norms and prevent backlash. 

This doesn’t really give any kind of good commentary on gay relationships, nor does it depict them in a positive or helpful manner. It isn’t something that these games should be getting kudos for doing. 

Misogyny?

I think there’s also something to be said about how poignantly bad Atlus is at really tackling the problem of misogyny. It tries, especially with characters like Ann and Sae, and in certain aspects it can succeed. But then they have scenes like the pageant and Every Beach Scene Ever, where the women are forced to wear swimsuits or revealing clothing against their will, or their bodies are talked about without their consent. There is consistently a character in each persona game who is forced to do the whole misogynistic dipshit gimmick that’s supposed to be funny-- Junpei, Yosuke, Teddie, Morgana, Ryuji-- and while this is obviously not a Persona specific problem by a longshot, it’s still indicative of how unsuccessful these games often are in delivering the message that society’s systemic misogyny is an issue.

This is something I think about a lot when people try and argue that Naoto’s story can’t be about him being trans because it’s “an important message about misogyny.” Atlus often doesn’t deliver on such stories already, and they certainly didn’t with Naoto. As soon as Naoto returns to “living as a woman” he’s subjected to the same misogyny that the other girls are. His chest is commented on, he’s forced to be in the beauty pageant, he’s made uncomfortable in the bath scenes-- really, all Atlus did after the reveal was make the problem worse for him. 

On top of this, his story never actually meaningfully tackles the problem of misogyny in the detective force. It’s not a major part of his social link or the general plot of the game-- honestly, it’s barely even touched on at all after the initial confrontation. Thus, the idea that “Naoto can’t be trans because it erases a story about misogyny” is just plain untrue. There never was a coherent one in the first place.

Problems Within the Fandom

Despite all of this, there is such an intense backlash from the majority of the fandom if anybody dares to bring up these issues with Naoto’s story. Naoto being trans is generally seen as something ridiculous and stupid, or something to insult and mock people for.

I understand that there's always going to be people who say provocative stuff like this, no matter what anyone does, and that it’s not something exclusive to this particular fandom or character. But the problem is that this rhetoric isn't just from them anymore--the consensus among so much of the fandom seems to be either that Naoto absolutely cannot be trans, or that speaking about it at all is "annoying discourse" and taboo. Even from fans that are LGBT or allies themselves. 

This in and of itself is such a telling thing to me. if you find yourself getting angry about the subject, really ask yourself why. Is it such a problem for people to reclaim a transphobic story? Is it such a problem for a character to be trans in the first place?  There is room for discussion and nuance regarding this situation, but we have to make it for ourselves. We can accept that Atlus’s base game will never actually give us a coherent story about either misogyny nor being transgender with Naoto’s story. But petty arguments and insults thrown at people who bring up this topic isn’t any of that-- it’s just poorly masked transphobia. 

So at the end of the day, no, Naoto being is trans is not “canon.” Of course Naoto would not actually be allowed to be trans, he is a main character in a game series where the only explicitly LGBT characters have been consistently buried, stereotyped, or demonized with only a few rare exceptions.

Yes, you’re allowed to headcanon whatever you want about him. I can’t stop you from wanting a story about misogyny, or from seeing Naoto’s gender as something more fluid than I do. But you can’t ignore the fact that his story, as written in canon, is laden with transphobia despite its intentions. It’s not a ridiculous or harmful thing for trans people to want to reclaim that.

There are still a lot more issues with how Naoto is treated in the game-- especially in his romance route-- but that’s a whole other can of worms I’m not ready to unpack today lol

Hopefully all of this made sense though, and feel free to bring up anything else I may have missed or point out any issues you might have with it :-) Thanks for reading!

[tiecladartist]

Okay, spoilers beneath the cut because I have some issues with Rise of the Titans.

Tales of Arcadia is one of my favorite series ever. It handled the "Kid is the chosen one" situation brilliantly, every character had depth (even characters like Steve, Eli, the teachers, etc). Theme was expertly handled with each part of the series. Destiny, heroism and sacrifice for Trollhunters; Family, duty and home for 3-Below; Legacy, prejudice and family (again) for Wizards. Every season brought me to tears, made me laugh, made me fear for the safety of the characters and want good things for them after watching them sacrifice over and over again. It is a comfort show for me and always will be.

Now, the movie...

So, I don't think it was bad. I also don't think it was good, unfortunately. The animation took a bit of getting used to after bingeing everything else leading up to this, but I can't deny it was incredibly beautiful. It was especially nice to see places other than Arcadia and Akiridion-5. It started off strong with the train fight, and admittedly there were a lot of scenes I quite liked during the movie. But, just the scenes. I liked moments, but overall it didn't come together quite as well as the shows did.

The biggest factor is likely time. I doubt making this a movie was the initial plan since I know production companies enjoy snubbing out strong series for various reasons. Honestly, I was surprised we got an "ending" at all based on the trends of recent shows being forced to wrap things up prematurely. Even Wizards felt rushed compared to the others and as a result a lot of interesting concepts were brushed over quickly. I mean, I for one would've loved to see more Camelot "filler" shenanigans since those less plot-heavy episodes that we had throughout Trollhunters and 3-Below helped us explore the characters and grow to love them, and we didn't get quite as much of that with Douxie, Archie, Lancelot, Charlemagne, etc. But I digress, this post is supposed to be about the movie, not Wizards.

So yeah, I think Rise of the Titans should've been a show rather than a movie. We could have more time before Nari is captured, focusing on the "where are they now" of all the characters after the year we skipped. Jim gets to cook and eat human food after losing that passion when becoming a troll, adjusting to being human again! Maybe him and Toby talk about Barbara and Stickler being together and how it's kinda weird (Toby could compare it to having conflicting feelings over his Nana dating an alien). Krel and Aja have a call about how it is being the Queen and Steve interrupts because he misses Aja. Perhaps we hear Eli in the background doing something related to the "Secret weapon" and the call gets cut off quickly because this leads to a small disaster on Aja's end that she needs to go fix. Claire is practicing her magic with the help of Zoe while Douxie is off with Nari. NARI AND DOUXIE INTERACT WITH EACHOTHER AND WE ACTUALLY GET TO SEE IT! (Like, I know that they were travelling together for a year and that that is why Douxie is sad when Nari dies, but it didn't impact at all outside of empathy because there was no emotional investment on my end towards their friendship). But yeah, we get to see what's going on with everyone, and then perhaps this first episode ends with the reveal of them being ready for a plan of sorts (luring the arcane order and cutting off their magic. That wouldn't be revealed though). Cut to the Arcane Order in their super secret clubhouse saying they're close to finding Nari and you get a decent cliffhanger.

Episode 2 would start with the train fight and go fairly the same way. We see Jim struggling with fighting with no armor. Or perhaps he has akiridion armor, but it's too rigid or keeps malfunctioning (doesn't fit, so to speak). Only difference is that Jim's arc wouldn't be about whether or not he's still the trollhunter, because we've been through that already and he knows. I could get having moments of doubt, but his full on denial was kinda out of place after everything he went through. Instead, it could be that he feels useless due to now being a burden in a fight. Or perhaps instead he's wrestling with guilt. He's blaming himself since the arcane order got the seals due to them trying to rescue him. Maybe both? Maybe he even misses his troll body and feels that he's too weak now. Yes, he's still the trollhunter, amulet or not, but he's feeling less and less capable of answering this particular call, and that bothers him. He doesn't want to be a burden after all. Fight ends with the train crash, arrest, Douxie swapping with Nari, all the same.

Now, this is where things would go very very differently. Have more time before Douxie and Nari switch back. Let the Arcane order monologue a little more. They want to reset the world because the balance has been shifted? Cool! Tell me more! Did they used to try to get along with the humans? Did they try diplomacy in the past only to fail due to the stubborn humans, and that's why they've decided to take drastic measures? Or if not, explore why they believe they're the ones allowed to decide the balance is off. Is it because they're powerful? Or how long they've been on Earth? Did they reset it in the past and thus know through experience? I don't mind not knowing, since not everything needs to be spelled out for the audience, but there was potential to make them characters rather than obstacles, and it wasn't really utilized to its full potential. Allow Douxie to pick their brains a little instead of immediately swapping him and Nari back and only succeeding in delaying things a few more hours. Hell, if it was a TV show I honestly would've had one or two episodes before doing that while we address how that initial failure (and the fact that magical creatures/aliens were revealed to the world) affected everyone.

Maybe I'll go through and like, actually plot out episodes and stuff, but since I only just finished watching, here's just some various things I'd change:

-Get rid of that whole Steve pregnancy. That was just out of place and rather than the "comedy" breaking the tension, it shattered it completely and distracted from everything. If you wanna explore his father-based character arc, maybe have him and Aja discussing the fact that now that she's queen, she'll need heirs. And maybe Steve isn't sure he could be a good dad due to his history with paternal figures. You could even have it that he's taking care of Nari while her and Douxie are switched, and that leads to a situation where he helps her out and realizes he may be a better dad than expected. Or perhaps Blinky gives him paternal advice. Or Strickler. Or even BARBARA AND JIM like, Steve couldn't be worse than Jim's dad, and letting Steve and Jim bond over that would be nice. There was so much potential, but instead, Steve was reduced to an out of place running gag instead of getting a resolution to his character arc. And hey, if you wanna keep the whole male akiridions give birth thing that's cool, but it's gotta be done in moments where it won't distract. Or, you could even have it be that it means Aja and Steve need to adopt because uh... she's inorganic and he's organic? His body likely isn't actually built for akiridion childbirth despite the movie glossing over this fact? And maybe Steve has mixed feelings about someone else being the dad of his kids, but Coach and him talk about how Coach isn't his biological dad, but that doesn't mean he loves Steve any less.

-GIVE DOUXIE MORE SCREEN TIME! Seriously, had this been a show he would have the most potential for character growth out of everyone. His series was the shortest, so really all he got was a confidence boost and moving past needing Merlin's approval. But there was so much to explore with him still. What was up with that extreme burst of magic after Merlin's death that was never brought up again? How has he been mentally handling singlehandedly guarding Nari against the Arcane order for a year? Once he and Nari switch back, does he feel guilt over not being able to protect her? "Merlin wouldn't have failed like that. He kept her safe for thousands of years, I lasted a little over one". Perhaps, in his constant desire to prove himself to the people he cares about, he takes risky moves to try and save Nari again and make up for his mistakes, similar to how Jim was acting in the movie. Eventually, when he and Nari meet up again when trying to break her controlled state, Douxie is apologizing and talking about how he wants to make things right. He sees Nari as a friend; as family, just as much as Archie, and he doesn't want to lose her like he lost Merlin. He doesn't want to lose anyone else (which would make Archie getting stuck in the other Trollmarket, and Nari's sacrifice even more painful later on if that still happened).

-Krel, Eli and Stewart also needed more time. I get it was a movie, so time was short, but still. Krel's entire thing is that he grew to see Earth as his true home, and we didn't get to address the fact that he was immediately at risk of losing it at all. Not to mention the sheer amount of stuff he'd built for everyone. Like, could you imagine an episode where, to break up the tension (in a proper way, not a weird pregnancy way), in the midst of everyone trying to figure out how to stop the titans, Krel has overworked himself fixing and managing everyone's tech. He has to spend a day resting and disasters ensue as no one knows how to fix any of the stuff he usually manages. Like the tech keeping Camelot afloat, for example. Stewart and Eli could be the ones that end up stepping up to fill the Krel sized gap for the day.

-And I know that these fillers would lower the tension a bit, but like, having the titans need to charge up after awakening (like, absorbing elemental energy or something), or perhaps making the Arcane Order have to collect certain things to break the seals in the first place that they had on their fortress but lost when that was destroyed , or any other kinda obstacle to give time between the train fight and the Titans waking up would give time for less plot-heavy, more character focused episodes. And even after the titans wake up, they were moving super slowly and walking across the planet. It's not like they'd be short on time despite the movie making it seem like walking from china to america was a short jog at most.

-Don't give Toby the amulet. Don't get me wrong, I love Toby very much and literally bawled out loud at his sacrifice scene. But like, it made no sense to give him the amulet? Jim doing everything again with years of Trollhunter experience would help solve a lot of problems from his first go around (and I'm not fully on board with the whole time reset in the first place. Resetting to the start of the movie, or even just the fight with Bellroc would be better). Jim knows the burdens of being a trollhunter first hand, and you really think he'd be okay dumping all that on Tobes? Toby, the guy completely content with being the wingman and helping the people he cares about. Toby, the guy who never worried about not having a grand destiny up until the movie. The guy who in his biggest dreams was a Duke, not a king. I think Toby was well aware of how important moral support is and wouldn't see it as a lame superpower. But even if he did, in a tv show they could explore that in a way where he comes to learn just how much that moral support does for his friends. And if you still want his moment of glorious sacrifice (because I count that as one of the well done moments), then do that! But rather than going back in time to save everyone, make it so they sacrifice the stone to turn back time a bit. Risk their victory to try saving Toby. Have them fight Bellroc together instead of it being just Jim, because it's trollhunters, not trollhunter. It always has been, always will.

-And if you're like "But if they don't go back then Strickler and Nomura stay dead!" Then how about they don't kill them for shock factor in the first place? Have Strickler badly injured instead, because by god Barbara deserves some happiness. And think of the potential scene of her treating his wounds, and the two of them think about how things have changed since that visit to trollmarket when they were both hurt. About how Strickler stuck around, and when Barbara thought she'd lost him it scared her. How she's sick of almost losing everyone she cares about. She could talk a bit about Jim's dad then too, and it could be revealed that Jim was outside because he was going to check on them, but stopped when he realized they were talking. And then later on, he asks about his dad, admitting he overheard, and we get that conversation they had in the movie. And if you keep the Nomura sacrifice, give her more of a moment ffs. Like, she deserved better! Have the death be a sacrifice to save someone else instead of just "oops I got caught and I'm in the sun now". Make it deliberate. Make it her decision after a life of serving others. Finally, she got to be the one in control of her fate, and she chose to protect the people she cared about.

There's so much more I could say about this and the potential that was killed by the lack of time, but this is getting long and I should probably try actually doing the work I need to do today.

Edit (Because this just popped in my head and I need to add it).

THEY WERE LITERALLY AROUND THE ROUND TABLE! THE NINTH CONFIGURATION (which like, screw that there are more than 9 heroes here to save the day) WERE THE NEW KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE. They were there to protect the world, and like... did the bond between Lancelot and Steve just not exist anymore? Did that get timeline erased too? Could you imagine Steve fighting to protect the world, doing his best to protect the people he cared about so that he never loses someone like he lost Lance again? He gets to keep his promise to carry on the legacy of the Knights even after they died. THE POTENTIAL WAS THERE!!! THE SET UP WAS THERE!!! BUT NO! WE GET MPREG STEVE INSTEAD!!

[zenosanalytic]

Harrow the Ninth: Blood and Guts; With Feeling!!!

While I’m sure the physical trauma, gore, intentional autophagia, unintentional cannibalism, and necrophilia in the book will be what turns mainstream heads, what really grabbed me about Harrow the Ninth was its unabashed and sincere humanity.

Every character in Harrow the Ninth gets to be a full human being. The best example to my mind is Crux: a gruesome cadaver 2 parts loyalty, 3 parts shouting, and 5 parts sheer bloody-minded cussedness; who blew up a long-grieving, broken family(and their completely innocent pilot) for the “crime” of leaving the place that murdered their husband and father and broke them; who insulted, beat, and tortured Gideon her WHOLE DAMN LIFE. And, also, the major, if not only, source of kindness and sympathy in Harrow’s own.

CRUX!!! Kind uncle Crux sneaking her sweets once a year and whenever she gets sick? Reliable retainer Crux always honest with her about her hallucinations and never judging or dismissing her for them; doing EVERY BIT of what little he can to help and protect her? Soft-voiced and kind Crux being the only member of the household who DOESNT abandon her in the Nova AU? THIS IS HOW HARROW SEES CRUX! The guy who casually kicked and spit on Gideon, who treated her as less than trash and never showed her even the shadow of an ounce of kindness is, in Harrow’s mind, the kindest person in her life. That is Fucking Wild.

Everyone is allowed to be 3D in this book, even when Harrow and Gideon disdain them. Ortus -a too-big blubbering joke in Gideon the Ninth, and Gideon and Harrow’s minds both- doesn’t JUST get to be brave, to be selfless, to confront and face up to and SURMOUNT his mistakes and flaws and then ride off glorious and stupid into Valhalla, he gets something so much more important; to speak for himself. To be Known. Understood. Through Harrow’s petty sniping we get to see the love and care he has for his shitty poetry; through her defensively projected self-loathing his regret, his sympathy, the breadth of his Heart, the loyalty to Harrow which lets him be insulted and also the stubborn pride which insists those insults not go unanswered. I’m tearing up just writing this! We get to see, in his meeting Protesilaus, him struggle with the very image of EVERYTHING he wants to be but isn’t, AND we get to see him resolve that displaced self-hatred to BOTH men -who he is, and who he isn’t- and befriend them both, and realize that the physical distance between them is superficial before the siblinghood of souls, and even more: that the conceptual distance between his ideal and his reality doesn’t have to prevent him from being good. He’s still a side character but he gets an arc, development, a story, and resolution, and HE gets to give its summation. And he’s allowed to be Heroic in his own way! HIS words summon his Hero from The River to speak HIS meter while fighting to save them all powered by THEIR shared belief in HIS Art, and then a heaven of his own defining. What other book does that for a JOKE character?!

And again: this is everybody. Yes of course the souls Harrow unknowingly called up, all those too-soon dead from Gideon the Ninth; We get to see Abigail and Magnus’s love for one another -and the dreadful teens, and their universal big-heartedness- up close, and the refutation of(or perhaps counterpoint to) Ianthe’s selfish conception of love gets to come from Magnus’s lips(oh: and Abigail SAVES THE FLIPPIN DAY! Harrow gets to know her and, through this, we get to know the true tragic waste of her death at the same time that we get to watch her MAKE her own meaning from beyond the grave); we get to see Protesilaus’s bravery and grace and kindness; Dulcinea’s indefatigability and cleverness and morbidity; Marta’s selflessness and unshakeable faith in Judith; we get to see ALL OF THEM run literally soul-risking cosmic dangers to shepherd one grieving, suffering, traumatized young woman -their jailer!- not only THROUGH that grief, but also through spiritual invasion by the product of their society’s sins: Of COURSE that was Noble as Fuck and I was Sobbing.

but EVERYBODY! John, for all his exTREMELY fucked up morality and inability to understand her, GENUINELY cares for Harrow, GENUINELY tries to see the best in everyone(even if, I suspect, that’s for mostly selfish reasons), and we get to see the sincerity of that; his care, and the self-recrimination his missteps bring despite that unyielding, bullheaded, self-warping insistence to continue on one Faustian course after another. The Lyctors in all their twisted, ancient cruelty: we get to see their surviving virtues beside their ENORMOUS, demented, murderous flaws -Augustine’s cleverness, wit and charm; Mercymorn’s outrage at endangering the young; Gideon’s faithful dutifulness; the endless love and sorrow all of them have for their Cavaliers- in the context of the fear and strain and loneliness the Emperor has forced them to endure for ten thousand years. We get to see the true grief and betrayal, fresh and bloody even now, they feel at John’s lies and manipulations, the relief they feel at thinking it all finally over, and even some small glimpses of the love they’ve managed to carve out for themselves in all of that: Gideon’s necrophilic makeout with Cytherea’s corpse takes on a whole different meaning when you learn that the first soul he’s truly loved since Pyrra is driving it around. And this too is significant; for all the discomfort it brings Harrow, and the general gross-out factor, and despite their villainy, the Kindly Prince and his Lyctors, the “Adults in the Room”, are allowed to have desires; allowed to be full and sexual people.

And the same sentiment extends to how Ianthe is written. As much as she is Harrow’s tormentor(and she is); as much as she is a ghastly, gaslighting manipulator(and she absolutely is); we also clearly see that she is Harrow’s fellow prisoner and victim on that station. Her terror is real; her suffering is allowed to be real. As much as they would Harrow, the Lyctors would as soon kill Ianthe as help her, and the Emperor not only allows that mindset but orders it thinking it helpful; just so long as his deniability remains plausible throughout. She gets to be Harrow’s safest harbor in a sea of troubles while ALSO being the person fucking with her perceptions to build in her feelings of helplessness and dependency for the SOLE PURPOSE of getting in her pants. Yet Gideon herself names her joy at seeing Harrow alive Genuine; her love for Harrow, Genuine; as twisted and awful-made by the cruel ideals instilled by her life of entitlement and emotional abuse they are, those feelings are still allowed to be real and heart-felt. Her attraction to Harrow, expressed cruelly and selfishly as it is, isn’t dismissed; Muir treats it always seriously, as she does Harrow’s own desires, and repressed confusion over them, for Ianthe. Everybody in this book gets to be REAL.

Fuck even Alecto. Over and over again we get to hear the Lyctors call her a Freak, a Monster, Subhuman(and given her eyes, those white-on-black oddities, it’s very likely she ISNT human; either a Planet-Soul herself or something even stranger); we get to hear from John’s own lips -the person SHE guarded; HER Necromancer in a pairing we have seen presented as the epitome of intimacy through two books- how he betrayed and “killed” her to calm their fears of her; and yet all the while there she is with Harrow, comforting, advising, never shaming or judging, being the only real friend Harrow’s allowed herself to be aware of.

Harrow the Ninth may very well be “Genre” Fiction, but its emotional universal is not only meticulously naturalistic, it is radiantly understanding and humane.