#different pieces of media' & complain about it to myself/a trusted friend. but if it makes SENSE then I have no actual complaints beyond

[musical-chick-13]

The WORST thing is when you genuinely can see the appeal of a ship it just happens to be the right combination of things that bugs the HELL out of you, so you can't even be mad about the fact that it exists because, like. You get it. You just don't like it.

[manju-k-m]

My treatment journey- Reflections

Reflection - My treatment journey

After six months of my treatment journey, all started flowing back except me. Due to various circumstances not related to my health, I have to wait a little more time to start my normal life back. Thinking about what to do in this period itself keeps me busy nowadays. I called a few of my old friends, but I am a little disappointed that the word cancer made them think strangely about me and I got a vibe that they started talking to me as I shared a piece of bad news with them. A few of them advised me not to share this news with anyone. Few of them empathized very hard. Few of them blamed me for posting my happy moments on social media which was the root cause of my present condition.  But what I searched for when I was diagnosed with Invasive breast carcinoma grade 2 is that “Is there anyone who already experienced the same”? What should I do? How many success stories are there in front of me? Because of the same reason, I wanted to share it as good news to my dears that I am absolutely normal mentally, emotionally, and physically after my treatment and we should change our approach towards the word cancer. It is not a terminal one as we have seen many years back. There are lots of advancements in the treatment of the same now. Also, I wanted to share how could I trace it in the early stages of the development as it was asymptomatic.  But only very few people could perceive the same way I think. I am not complaining about it because this is my new outlook on this disease after I went through it. Six months back, I might have been one of them.

Of course, it was not an easy journey physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, or medically. But I came to know how strong I am. Throughout the journey, I found happiness in challenging back my body with my mind. It was actually a war between them.  I never kept my positive mind weak though sometimes my emotional strength took ups and downs. I started doing things that made me happy. I drew, painted, read many books, drove to my hospital for treatment,  took lessons,  cooked kid’s favorite recipes of mine, stitched for my girl, and watched a variety of movies and web series. I am surprised that I am not bad in all the above-mentioned activities. I believed that I am a superwoman. I wanted to prove to the near ones that I am normal. As a result, they eventually withdrew the physical assistance given to me at the beginning of the journey. And that was the turning point when I started to feel back normal. I trusted my doctors, medicines, and my treatment. I considered it as a passing cloud for long six months.

The noble thing about this journey is that I met a group of wonderful personalities called doctors who stand next to God. They changed my attitude towards their profession. I am grateful to all my doctors who supported me step by step by explaining everything in detail and showing me the clear steps one at a time. I love all the nurses trained not only to do their medical jobs but also to talk friendly and compassionately to make the treatment time lighter.  No words for my family who did almost all the responsibilities I do as a parent. My love, my moms, my kids, my siblings, and my friends encouraged me to keep myself self-motivated than empathized. Special mention to all my relatives who respected my privacy and the risk of infection during the course and not visited me which was a norm in my society. So, I should say I was not alone to tackle this time smoothly.

The purpose of this letter was something different. I want to give this message to all those women who are passing through any kind of treatment like me. We all are made strong, but we realize it only when being strong is the only option in front of us. A positive mind can do wonders. Trust the treatment and doctors in front of you. Trust itself can change the effect positively. If you disagree with this point, read the book The Secret. There are scientific laws saying the same.

I would like to share a few things which made me stay strong and positive:

·       Firstly, when I felt nervous at any of the treatment stages, for example during an MRI Scan or a PET scan, I used to imagine the day I go back to my work and planned what kind of attire I am going to wear. How to give a positive note on my tough phase to my colleagues. I believe as a teacher, we should be change-makers.

·       Another reason,  I know from different sources is that my absence is making a void in all the places where I was and all are waiting for my come back. That feeling kept on adding fuel to my positivity

·       When I am confused, if I receive honest news either positive or negative, I could make my mind ready for that. That helped me to manage the situation neatly. For example, Doctor told me during chemo my hair may fall completely. I had two sets of people in front of me. The first set of them told me, your hair is not going to fall down. Medicines are different now. Don’t worry. But the second set of them told me, as the doctor said the hair can possibly fall down. What if we shave it when it starts falling off? Shall we look for beautiful caps and wigs and try them out?  I mean please don’t lie to a patient temporarily to make your mind ok. Instead give suggestions and tips to tackle it which is more sensible. And be in touch with these kinds of sensible people with us throughout the course which is the greatest asset we can have.

Also, I want to share the situations where I felt uncomfortable.

·       Please don’t empathize directly for the sake of formality.

·       Please talk to a patient about normal things that you used to talk about when he/she was not sick. A few unexpected guests avoided talking to me or didn’t give eye contact. I got a feeling that people cannot treat me the same way before the treatment.

·       Avoid discussing the failure stories for empathizing.

·       Appreciate them for the positive approaches they are doing even if it is a very small step.

I do imagine my old life back after the treatment, there can be changes in the attitude of my ambiance and it may affect my self-confidence. I know I cannot avoid that. Here I am the only person who can change others’ perceptions about me and I am prepared. I realize life is unpredictable. We should move on from our current dreams and plans without any hesitation if life takes a turn. Never ever ask “why me?’’ It’s you because you are going to be refined more than what you are now. Life is 10 % what happens to it and 90% how we react to it. I want to consider this as a wonderful time God has given to me to understand the worth of life, identify the real people around me, and the beauty of relationships. At least I know how to talk or handle anyone in my situation better than before. How to make them self-motivated. That is the additional purpose of my life in the upcoming journey. Last, but not least about parenting. I realigned my views on parenting upside down. I will write it in detail soon!

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with MustangSally

MustangSally has 33 stories at Gossamer. Even if you haven’t read it, you’ve probably heard of at least one of them, Iolokus, since it’s an X-Files fanfic classic. All her fics hit big and are well worth your time. I’ve recced some of my favorites here before, including And Dance by the Light of the Moon, All the Children are Insane, and Iolokus. Big thanks to MustangSally for doing this interview.

What's the story behind your pen name?

I could tell you but then I would have to kill you.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

Yes and no. Yes, because life has moved on since the early nineties and the characters and the fans are in vastly different places now. Our current tech would make the premise of the X-Files impossible. No, because of the longevity of some of the Star Trek TOS work (there’s an archive of hard copy fanzines at the University of Iowa). Top-drawer authors started out in TOS fandom.

I’m just greatly saddened that my physical body is showing wear and tear while the fic doesn’t. Fic gets to stay smooth-skinned and muscular, captured at the peak of perfection.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

At the risk of sounding atrociously trite, I think of the friends I made.  I met some very remarkable women that I’ve been able to stay friends with online for over twenty-five years.  We may have moved to Facebook and post entirely too much about our pets and which of our body parts has sagged this week, but we’re friends.  It’s a furiously funny, feminist, and well-educated group of women with jobs in the highest levels of academia, finance, communications, and media.  I’m amused by the fact that if I have a question about how a virus replicates, I can ask a PhD I’ve been drunk with in Las Vegas.

Back in the day, I had a job that sent me traveling around major cities in the US and UK. I could post on a message board and within ten minutes there were people I could go out for dinner and drinks with. We already knew we had something we could talk about for at least a couple of hours. Additionally, most of these people were women so there was an added level of security. Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

Well, it was mostly atxc and the Yahoo! groups mailing lists that spiraled out into Geocities sites and, eventually, LiveJournal. The amusing thing is that getting in on the ground floor of social media and the Internet has helped me get jobs!  When I look at a new piece of software, I think, ‘this is hella easier than uploading to Geocities.’  We had to walk uphill both ways, in the snow, on dial-up, fighting off dinosaurs with our AOL CDs while writing HTML code. What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS.

The past four years in politics have basically been the ugliest online kerfuffle the world has ever seen. I survived the Shipper Wars of ’96 and I thought those were brutal, but that was NOTHING. The only way to win an argument online is to not have the argument at all. Arguing with a troll is like mudwrestling a pig: You both get filthy and only the pig is happy.

Also, READ THE FUCKING TERMS OF SERVICE.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

I had the most terrible straight-girl crush on Scully. I wanted to be her best friend, I wanted to BE her.  I wanted to order Chinese food and paint each other’s nails and talk about bones.  Scully and Princess Leia and I could all just hang out poolside with hot and cold running waiters and poolboys, drink margaritas, and bitch about how unfair it all was – if the stupid men would just get OUT OF THE WAY AND LET US DO OUR JOBS, the world would be so much better. What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

This question is really about Iolokus, isn’t it?  You can’t fool me. [Lilydale note: I can neither confirm nor deny the motivation for this question, but I cannot complain about the answer.]

Simply put, I was enraged. The moment it was revealed that Scully’s ova had been used in experimentation, I lost my feminist mind. It was the most obscene defilement imaginable.  Scully wasn’t nearly as angry as I was.  What I thought needed to happen was for Scully to become a fiery force of vengeance against the MEN who had done this to her.  Clearly, I was not going to get that level of satisfaction from the show, as I was imagining Kali-like carnage on a global scale. I emailed RivkaT (whom I did not know well at that point) with a proposition that we work together. Strangely enough, we didn’t meet face to face until we were well into the project, but we did talk on the phone quite a bit. The rules were simple – everyone had to be punished in truly horrific ways, and at some point, we had to see if we could write a car chase (only because that seemed impossible).  Then it basically turned into a very twisted game of chicken to see who could be the most outrageous in terms of killing people off or writing really horrific things that fit within the structure of the narrative.  I did, in the end, write the car chase, but RivkaT one-upped me by throwing in a helicopter (a FOX News helicopter, at that).  

Really, RivkaT?  A helicopter? What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom? I am terribly proud of what I wrote, pleased that it brought pain and pleasure in equal amount to people, and, again, thrilled by the people I became friends with. I admit that I stopped watching the show when Scully announced her pregnancy.  I could only see a long jump over a shark tank for the rest of the series. I haven’t watched the new episodes, either.  It is complete in my mind and doesn’t need to be continued.  I wouldn’t say no to having a reunion with some of my fic friends, although we’re still chatting online like everyone does.   Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

Rivka and I wrote in the Buffy fandom for a few years, but then we moved on to real adult jobs that left absolutely no time for me to write. I’m in education, and I regularly sweat blood for fear that someone is going to find my old fic. The Buffy people were fun; there was a certain *shininess* to them that I really enjoyed. The X-men authors were just batshit and delightful, and some amazing stuff came out of Marvel fandom, particularly in the Thor/Loki and Steve/Bucky subgenres. I’ve learned to appreciate a good coffee shop AU and one famous Erik/Charles fic where all the main characters are crabs. Seriously, crabs—it’s hysterical. [Lilydale note: Other Crabs Cannot Be Trusted by groovyphilia currently has almost 2,500 kudos at AO3.]

Every few years, I’ll have a student try to explain to me what fandom is and I just smirk. Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully? No. Not really. Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom? I fell into an X-Men hole a few years back and had a great old time wallowing in the Cherik muck, and there was a flirtation with BBC Sherlock as well. Strangely enough, I became interested in A/B/O fics only because of what they were saying about the role of women in our society. The limitations on the male omegas seem absurd and then you realize those are the same limitations put on women all. the. time.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

RivkaT very nicely formatted everything and put it up on AO3. What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

I will always be stupidly proud of how shocked and horrified people were by Iolokus. The truth of the matter is that Iolokus has Greek drama at its core. Scully is Medea, and the entire story is lousy with “blood on the threshing floor” and Dionysian rites. The everyday is subverted into horror, and wives and daughters will tear men limb from limb like the Maenads. Since I was ultimately disappointed with what Chris Carter did with the entire show, that approach seemed appropriate.

At a certain level, all fic is corrective fic.  Like critic Anne Jamison said, “Irritated fans produce fanfic like irritated oysters produce pearls.”  And because fic has fallen so much into women’s sphere, a pure form of correction is not just the death of the author but the MURDER, a new creation springing up from the spilled blood like Cadmus sowing dragon’s teeth.

Okay, that’s a bit much. Maybe I should just take myself back to the isle of Goth Amazons or something. Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I had to write a self-evaluation and a reflection on pedagogy today. If that’s not fiction, I don’t know what the fuck is.

All my creativity is caught up in trying to pretend to be a normal middle-aged white woman so no one knows I am really a lizard.

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

Keep writing, keep reading, keep fighting the commercialization of narratives. As things grow more and more commodified, all our dreams and desires reduced to tchotchkes made in China, it’s a revolutionary act to separate your work from the marketplace. Be bold, take chances, turn the trope on its ear and kick it in the ass. Take everything the creators have done to make a work palatable to the unwashed masses and set it on fire.

Be subversive.

Be mean.

Have a great fucking time.

(Posted by Lilydale on March 2, 2021)

[ofdreamsanddoodles]

if you don't mind me asking, how do you deal with consuming content with 'problematic' aspects? for example, i see you reblog posts criticizing things like racism in tma, and you can still make content while being able to recognize those things. it's hard for me to continue enjoying something when it has even 1 thing slightly bad in it, but i know that's not a healthy way to consume content. is there anything you keep in mind when interacting with a given series? u don't need to answer ❤️ ty

also a note on my ask -- of course you don't need to answer, and you aren't a therapist & etc. i just admire your ability to both recognize flaws in works but still enjoy them, and thought since you seem to have critical thinking skills you might have a perspective that you could offer. being on tumblr from a young age seems to have affected my ability to separate things in my mind, lol. thanks so much for reading even if you don't feel comfortable answering.

I mean... you’ve kind of answered your own question? The only way to consume media is to remember that everything has flaws. My brother came by while I was typing this up and told me the answer is to “just vibe” because everyone is more or less terrible in one aspect or another but obviously, that’s not the answer you’re looking for.

I guess the short answer is just... you have to learn how to trust your own set of morals and understand that you shouldn’t feel guilty if a story you like betrays you. And yes, that’s hard, especially when you grow up surrounded by very rigid rules on what’s “okay” to watch, but if you’re just looking for some tips, here’s a list that I hope will help:

Find people you trust and see what they think of the situation. Think about whether or not they’re coming from an informed place. A friend of mine asked me if I knew about a Jewish tradition a while back. I had no idea what they were talking about. Turns out, it was something popular with German Jews. None of my family is from Germany. Sometimes, just being Jewish doesn’t mean I’m the right person to ask.

Find people who are complaining & see why they’re upset. Think about who is annoyed by this and how many of them there are. Think about what they think the proper response is, if any. Think about whether you have the right to wave off their concerns. Think about how those concerns are treated, both in-fandom and by creators. I saw a lot of people in the tma tag complaining about twitter “overreacting” to MAG 185, but if Jonny felt the need to issue an apology and specifically say that he realizes he’s crossed a line, chances are, the complaints were probably warranted (a thing I’d like to add is that apparently, RQ also issued an apology for a fluff episode they released, which I thought was kind of silly, because the episode was essentially just joking about martin forgetting a word. But also, as a neurodivergent person who sometimes struggles with speech, I do understand why that might upset people. not all apologies have to about incredibly important topics, but even the ones who aren’t show a lot about the cast behind it. Alternatively, if RQ had only apologized for this episode, and not MAG 185, that also says a lot about where there priorities are, and what fans they care about keeping)

Think about what will happen if you continue watching/reading etc. It’s not so much “is it okay if I keep watching this?” but “if I continue to watch this, will I convince myself that this problematic aspect isn’t actually a big deal? Is it so ingrained in the show that I can’t watch an episode without seeing the problems in it? What will I say to others, if they want to watch this?” For example, if someone sees you’ve reblogged a scene from a show you like and asks what it’s about, how many excuses are you going to give? How many trigger warnings are there, and can you justify them? There’s a difference between a piece of media having a character say homophobic slurs, and a piece of media saying a gay person should have homophobic slurs thrown at them.  Also: If you think you cant justify getting someone else interested, you probably shouldn’t justify contributing to the show. This might be obvious, but there’s a very big difference in pirating a tv show and buying its merch. 

Think about the fandom. If you continue talking about this, who are you surrounding yourself with? Like, there are a LOT of weirdos making content for kids shows, but that doesn’t always mean the show itself is weird. What it does mean, though, is that you should be careful navigating your enjoyment. Sometimes, the only way to enjoy something is to talk about it with a select few friends. Sometimes, it’s to enjoy it by yourself. I do believe it’s possible to enjoy a show in spite of the canon, but at the same time, if you’re watching a show that’s attracting a lot of racists, think about why that might be. 

some more thoughts under the cut, because I already wrote them out before I realized I could just make a list.

The thing about consuming media is that it’s very subjective. I know a lot of people who have given up on tma recently and while that’s not wholly because it’s “problematic,” it definitely plays a part in it. People have different meters for what they can excuse in media. The important thing to remember is WHY they left, and if you’re able to keep that in your mind while also continuing to engage in contact with the media. Will you be able to remember that Daisy traumatized Jon more than any other avatar if you consume context calling her Basira’s hot murderwife? Can you talk about the Flesh and acknowledge the racism in the creation of the Haans?

Personally, I don’t think you can produce positive content about Daisy and also acknowledge the harm she causes. You can’t point at a character and say, yes, she has committed actual police brutality, but I think she deserves a cute lesbian romance anyway. That’s not really a thing tma has done wrong as much as it is a problem with the fandom, but like, at the end of the day, it’s all just a matter of critical thinking. Who is being hurt by these portrayals of the characters? How? Most of the problems with tma aren’t things that are, like, baked into the actual worldbuilding and for a lot of people, that’s enough for them to still justify making content for the show.

If your complaints sound like “oh, if only they didn’t do xy, this would make for a good show,” then you’re probably fine. But if it goes into “i like this, but only if I can ignore (major plot point)” think about why you feel the need to keep watching. There are shows I’ve stopped watching based on principle. There’s manga I read that I only talk about with my brother and no one else, because I don’t want to be exposed to the fans. It doesn’t have to be as simple as “well, this artist did a bad thing, so now I’m going to ignore it forever.” If you think the creators of something are bad people, don’t support them. You can still pirate it or whatever, but if it’s something like hetalia, where the point of the show is just “let’s put all these stereotypes in a room and see how they react” then yes, for your own sake, you should stop watching because this is how stereotypes become normalized, and no one should be consuming media where nazi germany as the protagonist.

Really, at the end of the day, it’s just a matter of becoming media literate and that’s a process that takes time. Remember that being interested in something that isn’t 100% doesn’t make you a bad person, and listen to the people around you. Try and be a safe space for the people who do have complaints and remember not to place your enjoyment of something over the comfort of others. Other than that, just... do your best, I guess?

[allsassnoclass]

i’ll make up for all of your tears

An epilogue.

This is the third part in a series that includes “i’ll be here in pieces when you finally pull the pin” and “you’re the one thing I can’t let go (I hate that for you)”

Read on AO3

Everything that Alex imagined being in an official relationship with Jack would be like was wrong.  He likes to think that he’s decently creative, has built an entire career around twisting words and making music where before there was silence, but his imagination was leagues off when it comes to Jack Barakat.

The sunlight streaming through the window of his master bedroom doesn’t give him a halo, nor does it highlight any of the features Alex already has memorized.  Jack produces enough light by himself, and if anything, the morning sun makes him appear more ordinary.  Here is a beautiful human, reduced to a bit of drool coming from the corner of his mouth and pillow creases on his cheek.

Alex loves him so much he might burst with it, so he pulls on a pair of pants and some socks and heads downstairs to get his shoes.

It’s easier to wake up early on the farm than anywhere else.  There are animals to feed, dogs to let out, and eggs to gather, and Alex takes pride in looking over the landscape and thinking yeah, I’m taking care of this place.   He hires someone to watch it when he’s away on tour, but during breaks or songwriting he likes getting his hands dirty, satisfied with the way the chickens let him take their eggs as long as he throws down seed first.

The chickens don’t really like Jack.  It’s something he pouts about, but Alex thinks they just have to get used to each other.  Jack referring to each of them as “Little Fucker” rather than by name might have something to do with it.

Still, Jack has never complained about getting an omelet from fresh eggs in the morning.

“Hello ladies,” he coos softly, stepping into the pen and throwing some chicken feed away from the door.  They flock to it, clucking and fluffing their feathers as they get ready to fight, and he releases another handful a little ways away, spreading them out more.  Then, he heads to the roost to collect the eggs.

It’s getting chillier, summer months fading into autumn and then winter.  Maybe he should let coffee and breakfast wait when he gets back inside and snuggle up again with Jack instead.  Of course, then they might never leave the sanctuary of their bedroom.  (Their bedroom.  Alex doesn’t know if he’ll ever be used to the concept.)

It’s far too easy for Jack to convince him that being wrapped up in each other is more important than any other responsibilities.  The goats would hold it against him if they didn’t love him so much.

He feeds the horses as well, then tramps back inside to find Jack already standing at the kitchen counter, frowning blearily at the coffee maker as it warms up.

“Morning, hot stuff,” Alex says.

Jack lets himself be kissed on the cheek, then turns and drapes himself across Alex’s back as soon as the eggs are put away, grumbling incoherently.

“What was that?”

“You were gone when I woke up,” Jack repeats.  “We could be in bed right now.  We could be having the time of our lives under the covers.”

“If you want to keep me in bed all morning, you have to wake up first,” Alex says.  “You know you can talk me into anything.”

Jack grumbles more, and Alex can’t stop his smile.

Mornings on the farm tend to be quiet affairs.  They both wake themselves up over breakfast, then spend time in the bathroom getting ready to face the day.  Sometimes they share the shower, and sometimes they alternate who goes first and uses the hot water.  Then, there are always chores to be done around the farm, like mucking out the horse stalls and grooming them.

Jack really likes the horses, especially Theo.  Alex never could’ve predicted the attentive way he runs the curry comb over his flank, keeping up a constant stream of chatter that makes Theo’s ears swivel to listen, or how gently and meticulously he untangles all of the knots in his mane and tail, despite Alex’s reminders that they’re just going to get tangled again once they take the horses for a ride.

“Theo is going to be the prettiest horse you’ve ever seen,” he always replies, then gives him a million dollar smile.  It does funny things to Alex’s heart, and he’s finally been letting himself feel it.  Every day is a new exercise in handling the feelings he bottled up for over a decade, and by now they don’t throw him off anymore.  The gentle ebb and flow of his love for Jack is a constant, reassuring fixture in their life together, one that Alex can’t forgive himself for repressing for so long.

He almost didn’t have this, and it’s been going so good for long enough that he has to admit he was an absolute fucking asshole.

It hasn’t been perfect by any means.  They skipped right over the honeymoon period, and the growing pains were sometimes excruciating.  There are days when Jack needs more attention than Alex can give, or Alex needs a quiet moment to sit together that Jack is too jittery to provide.  Jack has been racking up frequent flier miles with his visits to LA, and Alex makes himself appreciate the quiet for a day before his longing for Jack aches, deep in his gut.  It’s like now that he has access to Jack 24/7, every departure takes a piece of himself on the plane.

None of that matters when he remembers all of the amazing things to come out of their new relationship.  No one understands Alex’s humor better than Jack, and he loves hearing his laughter ring out from every corner of the property.  He didn’t realize how lonely he used to get staying here by himself, but Jack’s presence pulls him out of his head and reminds him that the outside world exists.  Alex would be content to hide away, but it’s better to take the occasional day trip.  There’s never a moment of boredom or monotony, and Jack has figured out how to balance Alex’s need to relax with his need to have fun.  It’s a mess of contradictions, but it works for them.  It’s the best relationship Alex has ever had.

Jack is his best friend.  He already loved hanging out with him, and now he gets to do it even more with some kissing and sex thrown in.  They go on trail rides and dance to too-loud music and get drunk together to watch reality tv.  Jack has started plans for a goat obstacle course.  All of it is exhilarating, and Alex has never felt more at peace.

The sex is different, too.  There was an adjustment period, both of them too used to holding back for years to be able to fully bear themselves at first, but they started small.  There was a lot of unhurried making out in the beginning, taking the time to relearn each other in this new context, to really focus on how to make the other person feel good and special and loved.  The first time they slept together at the farm, Alex cried, completely overwhelmed by it.

“What’s wrong?” Jack had asked, panic coloring the edge of his words.  “Alex?  Are you hurt?”

Alex shook his head.

“I think I’m happy,” he had said, swiping uselessly at his eyes.  “Yeah, I just… I’m really fucking in love with you.  I’m happy.”

Jack had kissed him again in answer, in that all-encompassing way that only Jack Barakat has ever kissed Alex.  It told him everything he needed to hear.

Alex is the only thing that kept them from this.  He was too scared to admit that he was in love, and he didn’t trust either of them to work past the difficult bits to get to the good stuff.  He looks at Jack sometimes and wonders what possibly could have kept him coming back, when Alex would always brush off the love he had to give.  He was so cruel, taking what he could but not letting Jack do the same, and he hates himself a little more every time he remembers their nights together, destroying Jack both emotionally and physically and then not sticking around to help put him back together.

It’s not fair that he gets to have this gift now.  He doesn’t deserve the happiness he feels having Jack in his life like this, and that makes his skin crawl with the urge to break it off, but he can’t.  He might not deserve it, but Jack does, and Alex is going to give him the entire world if he can.

Jack also deserves a proper apology, one that Alex hasn’t been able to bring himself to deliver yet.

They said they’d be more open with each other.  It’s time.

“Hey Jack?” he says before he loses his nerves.  They’re in the living room, something mindless on tv.  Jack has been scrolling through his social medias, sometimes laughing and tilting his phone to show Alex, but he hasn’t been able to focus on anything besides the pit in his stomach, telling him that he shouldn't be here enjoying this.

Jack hums absent-mindedly.

“I’m sorry,” Alex says.

“For what?” Jack asks.  “Did you eat all of the cheetos again?”

"I'm being serious," Alex says softly.  Jack turns to him and blinks, brow furrowing the longer he looks.

"What are you sorry for?" he asks.  There's that familiar nervousness there, the type that makes appearances when he thinks his feelings are about to get crushed, usually by Alex.  He's heard it a lot over the years.  He never wants to hear it again.

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you before.  It was messed up, and I'm sorry I put you through that."

Jack's eyes search the room for something else to latch on to.

"Okay," he says eventually.

"Okay?" Alex asks.  "It's not okay.  I constantly fucked you knowing that you wanted more and then refused to give you anything for years.  It's awful."

"There's nothing really to be done about that," Jack says.  "I mean--you're here now.  We're doing good, right?  I think we're doing good."

"We are."

"It really fucking sucked that you did that, but I did it to myself, too.  I'm not going to keep blaming you when it'll just make us both miserable.  I want--I just want to be happy now.  With you.  I don't want to think about being upset."

"I can't do that," Alex says.  "I don't--Jack, I don't deserve this.  You're the best part of my life, and I spent half of it pushing you away and hurting you.  I don't know how to be fully happy with what we have if I'm constantly hating myself for the path we took to get here.  None of this is your problem, either!  It's mine.  It's something that I have to work through, but I can't do that if I don't also make things up to you."

"You already are," Jack says.  "Being able to sleep in the same bed as you at night is enough.  I've already forgiven you."

"That's just because you love me," Alex says.

"Give me a little credit," Jack replies.  "I'm a big boy.  I decided to keep playing your game for all of those years.  I can't hold it against you more when I was a willing participant."

Alex makes a face.

"Do you really want to make it up to me?" Jack asks.  Alex nods.  "Take me to Amsterdam for a week.   I think we'd have fun there."

It's not much, but maybe it's a start.  If Jack won't tell Alex how to make reparations, maybe he can figure it out by himself, by simply loving Jack as much as he possibly can for the rest of their lives.

"Okay," he says.  "We'll go to Amsterdam."

"And kiss me," Jack adds.  "I think you should kiss me now."

That’s easy.  Alex leans forward, cupping a hand against Jack’s jaw to guide their lips together, and kisses him as tenderly as he knows how.  He’s been getting better at it with every day that Jack makes something uncurl inside him, and Jack sighs into it.  When they part, Alex doesn’t go far.

“I love you,” he says.

“I know,” Jack replies.  “I love you, too.”

Jack pulls him in further, tucking Alex under his arm.  Alex relaxes into him.

There should be some metaphor for this moment, something akin to the wildfires and explosions and swimming lessons that have plagued their relationship up until this point, but he can’t think of one.  Jack lies just outside the realm of poetry, something solid for Alex to grasp onto when his feelings are too large to sort out.  For all of his imagination, he’ll never be able to fully describe this moment, or a million more similar ones that they’ll share.

Maybe home, or peace.

Maybe just Jack, and the promise of a tomorrow with him.  It’s a tomorrow that won't be perfect, but Alex will try to make it as close as possible.

Maybe love, plain and simple.  There are no qualifiers necessary.

[alfernover]

Strike of the Dragon - Chapter 2

(StrikeTeam!Genji AU)

Pairings/Characters: Gency, Reinhardt, Torbjörn, Mccree (awww yeah baby)

Chapter 1, Chapter 3 (coming soon)

Warnings: none

A/N: This chapter has been the most chaotic thing I’ve ever written development-wise. The first draft of the chapter I hated sooo much I went back to the drawing board and decided to do this. Then once I completed this one, I still hated it but it was better than the last one I’ve got to admit. Then I went over the chapter to delete stuff, add stuff, redo stuff and now nearly every word is completely different, apart from the first part of the story. This wasn’t much of a joy at first, but at the end I felt pleased with myself and gave a pat on the back for it. Hope you all enjoy!

"A month! A month he's been in the strike team and he went from zero to hero in under that time!"

 Genji gave out a fake chuckle as Reinhardt patted his back a little hard – but he was expecting that anyways – he didn't complain though as other members of Overwatch listened and laughed as Reinhardt carried on about how Genji saved and protected the French President a week after he was put on the team, and then go back to talking about the mission that the strike team had deal with some Junkers who had decided to try and terrorise Sydney in Australia.

 At first, people did not like Genji, being that he was a Shimada and there were many rumours about the Shimada bloodline possessing a deadly weapon able to kill someone instantly. And there was also the Shimada Clan which everyone feared of so Genji was expecting immediate backlash on having him on the team which was widely known to be heroic and to protect the citizens no matter what, a boy with Shimada blood was obviously not what people were expecting. But then Genji’s first two missions came and became remarkably successful to making people trust him with live footage of him on both. Unfortunately, Genji had now become quite popular through the media, even though he was appreciated not having himself be shone in the light as the worse thing Overwatch had ever decided on. He still didn’t like the fact that people had swarm onto him like bees when he was only out to at least buy new pairs of shoes.

 At least he has a bigger chance of getting some entertainment at night with a few girls, he thought to himself which made him smile broadly.

 "I mean when those Junkers went towards Genji, they thought he would be an easy target, and me and the rest of the strike team just stood there with me shielding Ana and Torbjörn, but no! Genji deflected all things that were thrown at him and back at them and completely knocked the rest out who were attacking us! Not even a scratch to his suit! He's incredible!"

 "Excuse me Reinhardt," said Genji, trying to sound polite as possible, "I'm off to do some training, call me on my comm if something comes up."

 "Ahhh! I will my friend!" Reinhardt exclaimed, "I might join you later if you save some training bots for me to smash!"

 "Let's hope not," muttered Genji, "we would destroy the training grounds."

Reinhardt bellowed with laughter and patted Genji hard on his back once more. Genji swallowed the pain like it was a drink and managed to create a stiffen smile back at the tall, muscular man. He put the remainder of his lunch into a bin, left the mess hall and headed to the training grounds. He didn’t need to get changed, he was already planning on training anyways and opened his usual orange locker that was at the training grounds and eagerly got his usual training equipment out, they weren’t the ones he wore out on missions just so he doesn’t harm anyone if he did one-on-one combat, but they good enough to destroy any training bot, he inspected every piece of his equipment and then strapped them on to him, he then headed to the actual training grounds where training bots were held, platforms could be raised and flattened for anyone who wanted it to be an open ground, he looked up to see the outside world which had been cut off from with thick walls made of cement, Genji always thought that the tall, snowy mountains looked like paintings plastered to the sky and the buildings from nearby Zurich barely could be seen with how tall the wall was. Genji sighed deeply, then went back to why he was here in the first place.

 "Athena," called Genji, as he did his stretching.

 "Hello Genji," came the robotic reply, "do you want to do your usual training protocol?"

 "Actually," said Genji, in his confident way, "I want to change it up a bit."

 "In what way may I ask?"

 "Increase the stinging lasers for the training bots up from level 6 to level 9."

 "The 9th stinging level is quite power and painful," replied Athena, sounding quite cautious, "the result of you getting hit in the limbs means numbness, no movement for a limb for at least an hour and the sting could cause you to go unconscious, not to mention if it hits your chest or head it could be possible death or cybernetic replacement to them."

 "Then just be grateful I'm not making it go up to level 12 then," Genji retorted, "now do it, I want to challenge myself a little, the rest can be the same as usual."

 "Confirmative Genji," Athena said, the Japanese ninja began to warm himself as he waited for the countdown.

 "Training begins in, 3,2,1."

 There was silence afterwards. But a second later, Genji draw out his wakizashi and deflected the lasers coming out of a pair of two training bots’ arms which had suddenly appeared from the metals doors that confined them and made the lasers go into their heads. He began to dodge another pair of them, who were shooting rapidly, trying their best to lock on to the ninja. But Genji was quick, dodging all of them quickly and deflected them with his wakizashi, heading straight back and into the training bots' faces or into their arms, making them shriek out there usual, annoying ‘OWW’ or ‘ARGH’ or ‘HEY’. Even when he was in the air, he made a single blow fatal to the bots with using his shurikens either all three of them coming out of his training arm to strike in one direction or they go in three directions, most of them hit the bots, some just got stuck in the wall or laid on the ground, making dents to the rubber ground. He then got his main, curved sword out from his back, and began slashing the metal bots up like they were a piece of paper. At last, once Genji place his sword back into his scabbard, the last bot fell to the ground in pieces, joining the remnants of the others.

 "Training exercise protocol for Agent Genji Shimada wave 1 of 20 enemies, completed," announced Athena, "wave 2, beginning shortly."

 Genji sighed and began to catch his breath. He checked his shurikens and made sure that his blades weren't blunt whilst cleaning bots came to take the dismantled training bots so they could be repaired for who else was going to train with them. He then went over to a bench where he got a towel which he wiped on his sweating head, he drank water and rested before Athena was ready.

 "Wave 2, will commence in 20 seconds," Athena said, "I'd advised you get ready Genji."

 Genji nodded and got up. He went to the middle of the arena and withdrew his wakizashi. He walked to the centre of the arena and start to decide on which position he should use before the next part of his training began.

 "Wave 2 commences in 10 seconds."

 Genji leaned into his position, his hand gripping the wakizashi and his eyes darted around the doors in which the bots would come out of and attack him. Then the door to enter the training arena opened, and then the familiar dwarf came out of with his usual cap on him, but Torbjörn wasn't alone, he seemed more happier than usual and was talking to this woman. Genji looked at her and immediately froze, as the woman looked around the arena, she had blonde locks which were in a loose ponytail, her eyebrows were thin like pencils, and she was wearing the doctor's uniform for Overwatch members. Her curious eyes finally came upon Genji’s and they were both immediately locked onto each other, he swore he could make out the ocean and sky at the same time.

 "Wave 2 commence."

 "Wait, what-"

 A strike to the ninja and he fell to the floor with a thud, whilst the training bots immediately withdraw from shooting – they were design that way – Genji felt his left leg go numb for the first few seconds and a wave of stinging came soaring through afterwards, and did it hurt. Genji groaned in pain, it felt like teeth were sinking into his shin and calf and ripping away from the rest of his body. The world around him became a little unrealistic to him the world became blurry and he could only hear a muffled version of Torbjörn's voice, angrily shout things as usual. He was then turned around from laying on his stomach, to his back, and then he saw a shadowy figure above him, blocking most of the sun and making the remainders of it wrap around the head of a woman like it was a halo. The blonde hair which draped to one side of her shoulder sparkled in the sunlight making the ninja know it was the very same woman he was distracted by. His sight refocused and his hearing became much clearer, as he blinked a couple of times to make sure his eyes focused, but to also make sure the pretty blonde woman was still real, and it wasn’t him hallucinating.

 "Hello? Can you hear me?" came a clearer reply compared to Torbjörn, which he was now clearly muttering something under his breath as usual. Genji responded with a nod and got up from his back with both arms holding his upper body up. The woman went to his leg to see where the burnt part of the joggers was. He then gasped in pain and both of his arms moved to clench his leg as another wave of stinging shot through his leg, just as much pain as the last one. The woman placed her hand on his back and rubbed it gently, trying to help sooth him down.

 "Athena!" called Torbjörn, "out of 1 to 12, how much power did Genji put to the training bot's weaponry?"

 "He asked for level 9 for laser power," replied Athena, "I personally insisted not to encase these circumstances came to a reality, but Genji was quite stubborn."

 "Of course, he is," grumbled Torbjörn, "he’s ruddy Genji."

 "Thanks for comforting me after getting hurt," Genji groaned back at the drawf.

 "Yer were the one who wanted to be stung so badly!" snapped back Torbjörn. The woman then cut in.

 "Torbjörn, I think he needs to be checked," she said, with a strong accent that Genji thought sounded very much like the civilians in Switzerland, "I’ll take him to my office."

 The dwarf looked at the blonde woman and grumbled a response whilst nodding. The woman looked to Genji with a warm smile. "Do you think you can stand on one leg?" she asked sweetly.

 Genji blinked for a split second, still not believing that her soft voice was real, then he finally nodded once more. The woman gave him another warm smile which made Genji’s heart beat faster and lifted him up, then she placed his arm over her shoulders so he can balance himself between his one leg and the woman. The ninja looked over to where Torbjörn use to be and look towards the exit as to where the little blonde dwarf was now heading towards without a care in the world about Genji. "Going to help me?" he asked, clenching his jaw once more to swallow a third wave. Torbjörn turned and looked at both Genji and the woman who was helping him balance, with a raised eyebrow.

 "I think she's got you covered," he muttered and carried on moving out of the arena, "I'll see you later!”

 The woman sighed and shook her head whilst having a small smile on her face. "Typical Torbjörn," she said quietly, she looked over at Genji who had clenched teeth, "best get you to my office then."

 They headed there with Genji hopping on one foot whilst his left leg remained numb and having waves of stinging coming to him every minute or so, whilst the strange – but attractive – woman helped him to where they were going. Other agents, doctors and scientists stared at them as they walked by and Genji just felt embarrassed with hopping along with one foot whilst the seemingly new member of Overwatch encouraged him on. They eventually reached the medical department and the woman helped Genji towards a door which made his head tilt.

 "That's the head of medical research's office," he said. The woman chuckled.

 "I thought you were told that the previous one was retiring, and you were getting me as the new head," she responded.

 "I don't listen to briefings," said Genji.

 "Obviously, you don't listen to Athena," came the response which made Genji's eyes widen a little and look to the Swiss woman whilst she opened the door who didn’t have a smile on her face and eyes were now a little wary. Even though he felt anxiety built up from his heart and clash with the pain of his leg, Genji said nothing as he was helped through the narrow door. He had only been in the head office once in his life and that was a few years ago, it was the right size for a medical ward too, not too big or too small. Its walls were the usual white that covered most of the base. A desk and a chair sat at the end of the room with the usual equipment of pens and pencils, but with slips of scattered paper on the desk and whilst a mug of coffee sat near the edge. Genji didn’t have enough time to continue his scanning, as he was tugged by the woman to a medical bed which was at the third corner of the rooms.

 "Sit," she ordered, Genji obliged with no complaints, besides, his right leg was feeling the ache of hopping all the way to the medical ward. The woman grabbed some plastic gloves which sat on a table. "Where did the laser hit you?"

 Genji pointed to place where shin met calf and the woman rolled up his training joggers up to examine his leg. "I never got your name," he stated.

 "Doctor Angela Ziegler," came the reply, "and you are this famous Genji Shimada, am I correct?"

 Genji chuckled whilst rubbing his neck with his hand. "I'm that popular, aren't I?" he joked.

 "With the stuns you pulled in front of the public and with your announcement," responded the doctor, Genji swore was trying to hide a smile as she went on, "you made headlines where I was, it's quite impressive with how agile you are."

 "I was trained by the best," smiled Genji, "I'm guessing you're the new head of department for medical research?"

 "That is correct," she said.

 "I see... how did a young, pretty woman like yourself managed to come here?"

 Immediately, the doctor froze, she stayed like that with her body tensed until she just shook herself back to reality. "Your leg will be fine after an hour," she finally states, ignoring Genji's flirtatious quote and getting up where the ninja could examine her face, her eyes showed more wariness now which Genji absolutely hated, he was just making it worse and worse for himself now and he just looked the other way whilst Doctor Ziegler stepped over to one of the closets. "I will give you some painkillers, so you won't experience the stinging at it's worse. I suggest you remain here for a while though."

 Genji nodded, still a little flabbergasted by the doctor's response to his flirtation. He was given a pill which the doctor offered him water so he could swallow it whole and he was shoved fully on the bed with a pillow underneath his leg. Whilst Doctor Ziegler walked over to her desk and began to move around her paperwork. The ninja watched curiously as she rounded up her scattered papers. "What are they all about?" he asked intently.

 "Just somethings I need to sign and examine," she replied, not looking over to Genji, "some for my arrival and some for the purpose of work."

 "I see," Genji smiled, "sounds a little boring doing paperwork."

 Doctor Ziegler immediately looked at Genji then, who was grinning innocently, she gave him a look that made Genji felt like a brick wall was put firmly between the two now. His smile falter and he looked to the wall next to the medical bed, pretending like he said nothing. He heard Doctor Ziegler mumble something under her breath and he heard paper being moved and crinkled. They both didn't say anything after that, the once comfortable silence had now become awkward for Genji, and all because he didn't keep his mouth shut. Doctor Ziegler hadn't checked up on him yet, not even a glance from where she was sitting. He just laid there, bored. He looked to where she was for what felt like the 50th time and watched her write on the paper, which was organised but felt like it was going to fall into scattering mess.

 "How old are you Doctor Ziegler?"

 The Swiss doctor finally glanced up at Genji, her hand stop moving her pen from writing and she pursed her lips a little. "I am 23."

 "23," repeated Genji, "that's quite young for a doctor that is head of this medical department, you must be very clever."

 "I hope I am," she replied plainly, as she returned to the paperwork, Genji was feeling a little perplex on how something as a piece of paper with words on it was more interesting that a guy who had made media headlines a few times in only a month.

 "I am finding it peculiar that you find that paperwork interesting," he said arrogantly.

 "People find different things enjoyable," replied Doctor Ziegler, she then looked back at Genji, "what do you find enjoyable then?"

 Genji smirked, thinking of how he had gotten a hold of her now but not realising how cold her eyes were looking at him. "I do like playing games and training keeps me fit," he replied, he then paused impressively, his smirk growing and making the doctor lean back a little. "There's also one other thing I do enjoy."

 "And what is that?"

 "Why don't you visit my headquarters and find out."

 There was a pause, both knowing exactly what Genji had just said and then the brick wall that Genji felt between him and the doctor now felt like it had doubled its strength with the doctor's eyes seemingly taking the shape of missiles so to complete the fortress. The next minute, Genji was given a crutch from another corner and was shoved out of the office by the doctor.

 "Who's your personal doctor?" she demanded, as Genji turned around in absolute disbelief, now realising the cold stare he was getting now.

 "Oh-well-I-umm.... Doctor Muller," stammered Genji.

 The Swiss doctor noted this in her head and looked back at a stunned Japanese ninja with her blue eyes, they locked on again like they did when they first saw each other, the Swiss doctor then looked down to the ground, whilst Genji stood there, more confused and perplexed. "I'll give him the report on your incident at the training arena today Agent Shimada," she said formally, "use the crutch for until after an hour where your leg feels fine and then return the crutch by tomorrow."

 "Wait, what-"

 "Good day Agent Shimada."

 She gave a smile that made Genji’s heart feel like ice had been dunked over it and the door slammed right into his face and the ninja was left standing there with a crutch on his left side, staring at the newly place door sign, saying: Doctor Angela Ziegler. He let out a groan, feeling like his flirtation had failed miserably, but it had never failed before! He turned and then noticed an agent roughly in his thirties smirking at him, whilst sitting patiently in a chair for his medical treatment. Genji only scowled at him and began to walk away with his crutch helping him keep balance.

 He almost getting to his headquarters, and every step he was taking with crutch and right foot made him feel humiliated with members of Overwatch looking at him with bemusing grins and curious glances and was feeling the relaxation being hidden away in his headquarters. "Torbjörn told me about ya little incident at the arena," said a manly voice with a thick accent, "didn't expect it to be this bad!" Genji stopped suddenly and then rolled his eyes whilst sneering to a wall as the man with dark clothing and a weird-looking cowboy hat came up to the strike team’s ninja with a wry grin that could’ve made his facial hair separate from each other from two metres.

 "Hello to you to too Mccree," replied Genji quietly, "I thought you were at the base in Norway."

 "Got moved here last night," said Mccree with a wry grin, "came in around the same time as the new doc. How did you find her anyways? Apparently, Torbjörn decided to leave you with her when you made the decision to lose a leg!"

 "Haha funny Mccree and to answer your question, I don't know," the ninja muttered, "it was mostly a one-way conversation whilst I was in her office."

 "Ahhh, I see what you did," smirked Mccree, “there’s only a few ways to not make the doc not talk and I know exactly which button you pressed.”

 "I did too," said Genji, his sour mood from being shut out was getting worse with Mccree’s pestering.

 "The doc is a stubborn sort and wants things to be as professional as possible within a workplace, a little too much if yer ask me. But she even cares for the people she dislikes and even though you might’ve treated her an object or a trophy like you do to every girl yer see, which she highly dislikes, she will still care for you if yer injured.”

 Genji then felt a pang of realisation and tried to remember some of what he had said to the doctor, and with every word he thought of made his heart go lower down in his stomach. "How do you know all of this?" he quickly asked.

 "Well, I've known her since I first joined," smirked Mccree, "Torbjörn showed her around the base at Norway and that’s where we met. We’re both good friends though, so it'll just be you who'll be gettin' the door shuttin' on yer face."

 "Yeah... totally," Genji said, he had finally reached his headquarters which was where the usual strike team members were held at, with Reinhardt next to his since he was the one who usually stayed there, whilst Morrison had his own personal place to sleep in and Torbjörn and Ana usually go to their home country to spend time with their families most often. Genji was quite glad that he had made it but Mccree was insistent on talking to the ninja whilst he typed his passcode to unlocking his door.

 "I'm guessin' yer made one of your stupid lines come out of yer mouth again," he mused. Genji felt insulted, but Mccree didn't seem to notice the expression on his face or just didn't care as he went on. "Honestly, I don't know how you managed to get to some girls apartment when you go to those parties in Zurich.”

 “I’ve said much worse.”

 “Like what exactly?”

 The door had just unlocked, and the Japanese ninja had placed his hand on the handle, but he didn’t open the door and stayed still for a bit. Then he sighed deeply and let his free hand go through his black locks. “I only said that her work must be boring and that I don’t listen in important meetings.”

 Mccree looked at Genji and smiled sympathetically and patted his friend’s shoulder. “It would be a miracle for you to ever catch her now,” he said, “you’ve literally insulted her to a degree of no return!”

 “How much did you think I hurt her?” asked Genji, with his heart beating harder and his face trying hard not to cringe for he new Mccree’s response wouldn’t be good whatsoever.

 “You know the insult when we were teenagers and we say to Reinhardt that his hammer looks like it could be salvaged to be a steam piston and then he would literally chase us down whilst gripping it?”

 “Yeah, that really got to him hard-kuso,” said Genji, as his soul felt like dying, “it’s that bad?”

 Mccree nodded solemnly and Genji groaned and banged his head on his door. The cowboy patted his shoulder again with his gloved hand.

 "The doc is a kind-hearted soul Genji," said Mccree, “but what you’ve said to her in the medical ward well… if you think you were gonna have anythin’ between you two that’s gone down the drain then… actually, naah it’s way deeper.”

 Genji didn't look back at the Blackwatch agent with the funny cowboy hat, he shrugged Mccree’s hand off his shoulder and opened his door and went through it with his body making him look like the saddest thing on the planet. Mccree shook his head as Genji closed the door on him and he was left all alone in the hallway. The cowboy had known the Japanese ninja to be quite rebellious and flirtatious to women and was still extremely arrogant about the whole ideal of him being in the strike team. Mccree knew Genji preferred to work alone and he could tell when he did tests and when he did his first ever mission when Morrison asked Gabriel to take him out on a Blackwatch mission. But it seemed he had gotten a small wake-up call from the whole ordeal with Doctor Ziegler, but as Mccree began to walk away to find Gabriel, he thought of how bad Doctor Ziegler was with her work and stubbornness. But both had heart with protecting and helping the people of the world he knew that. Whilst he got his cigar out of his pocket, he began to think of Genji and the doc as a thing, then brushed aside instantly.

 “Never gonna happen,” Mccree confirmed to himself as he lit his cigar.

[maxgrayarchived]

The Walking Dead & Queer Representation

How many horror movies and tv shows can you name with queer protagonists? The Walking Dead has been on air for ten years now, and given its genre, it has a surprising amount of queer characters. The numbers themselves are nice, but when writing any minority, it’s important to have tact. 

    As an avid fan of The Walking Dead and a member of the queer community, I’ve taken it upon myself to break down how the show chooses to represent queer characters and what they’re doing right and wrong.

    First, a few disclaimers: 

    This post contains spoilers for seasons 1-9, including major character deaths. I won’t go over anything that happens past season 9. 

    Queer people are going to die. This is a zombie show. People die in every episode. It would be pandering for all the queer characters to stay alive throughout the entire show. 

    I am a pansexual transboy. The characters I’m talking about are assumed to be gay, cisgender boys and girls. Notice that my experience differs from theirs and if I say something that counteracts something a lesbian or a gay man says about the characters representing their identity, you should listen to them and not me.

    I like the word queer. I think it’s a great word and I’ll be using it a lot. Since almost nobody’s sexuality in confirmed in this show I use it a lot to avoid pan/bi/ace erasure. If you don’t like that word, be prepared for it now or accept that this post is not for you.

    Finally, this does NOT include things from Fear the Walking Dead. Fear the Walking Dead is… such a different show in so many ways, especially in LGBT+ representation, and that’s going to require a whole ass different post (how did they fuck up that show so bad). 

    Let’s get down to it! 

    Introductions & Coming Outs 

    Tara: 

    We meet Tara when the Governor wanders into her and her sister’s apartment building after seeing her niece, Meghan, in the window. She immediately puts herself between her family and a potential threat with a gun in her hand. She doesn’t take any of the Governor’s shit, and her first priority is making sure he knows that if he does anything to hurt her family, he’ll pay for it. Once that’s all out of the way, though, she lets a friendlier side of her show and jokes around with him. 

    Our first introduction to queer characters in the show is done well. There’s nothing about her that would ‘tip off’ to the fact that she’s a lesbian, and she’s her own, fleshed out character. 

    We find out she’s a lesbian after she and her family leaves with the Govorner. They’re walking down a street with trees lining each side, and she starts to complain about it reminding her of an ex-girlfriend and a date they went on. This is dropped so casually that I didn’t even notice it in the first watch. 

    It’s later confirmed she’s a lesbian (instead of pan/bi/etc) when Eugene hits on her and she says, “Yeah, I like girls.”

    She comes out (the first time) in such a casual way that I’m hesitant to even call it a coming out. If the Governor wasn’t there, and if we weren’t watching, it would just be a girl complaining to her sister about an ex.

    Alisha: 

    This is my only time mentioning Alisha because that’s how minor of a character she is. 

    We meet her when Tara’s sister, Lily, is stitching up her palm after Alisha “got cute with her knife” and cut herself. Tara is watching from a bit away, and starts flirting with her by talking about weapons. Alisha asks if she’s always this full of shit, and Tara says, “Yes, I am.” It’s a really cute moment. It’s not overtly sexual, it’s not predatory, it’s not weird, it’s just two girls flirting with each other. 

    This is a great way to casually slide in a gay relationship. It’s not made to be a big deal, it’s just another relationship in the story. Before they mentioned that Tara was gay, now they’re acting on that, instead of pussying out like other shows do.

    Aaron & Eric: 

    I’m putting these two in one category because, when we met them, they were together. 

    Our first impression of Aaron is when he comes up to Maggie and Sasha, unarmed, when they’re alone. He puts his hands in the air and asks to speak to Rick, saying that he’s a friend and he has good news. When Maggie and Sasha bring him back to the barn they’re holed down in, he tells them about his community, Alexandria, and welcomes them all to come home with him. He gives us no reason to distrust him (despite the very obvious ‘this is a stranger and generally strangers either try to rob, eat, or kill us’) and is, all and all, patient and understanding of the group’s distrust.

    We meet Eric approximately twenty five seconds before one of the cutest kisses in the show. He sees the panic on Aaron’s face and quickly tries to calm him down, explain his injury and that it’s not a big deal, and that Maggie fixed him up, and he likes her, and- And then Aaron, in a fit of overwhelming concern and relief, rushes up to him and interrupts him with a kiss. 

    One of the cutest kisses in the show. 

    Eric then teases Aaron for being worried about him, we get some domestic goodness when Eric gives Aaron a license plate for his collection, we’re rewarded with this face:

    and, all in all, it’s a good scene. It’s cute, it’s realistic, we can see how much these two care about each other, and Rick’s reaction will make me laugh until I die. 

    Denise: 

    When we first meet Denise, she is a scared, overwhelmed new doctor. She does her best to lower the bar and expresses concern that she isn’t actually capable of being the doctor of Alexandria. 

    At one point, Denise almost has a breakdown from stress and tells Tara that her patient’s condition is too fatal, and Denise isn’t capable of saving him. Tara tells her that being afraid if just something she’s going to have to get over. A little while later, after Denise manages to stabilize her patient’s condition and save his life, she goes over to Tara and kisses her. That’s how we learn she likes girls. Her and Tara continue a romantic relationship after that, and it’s all really cute and sweet.

    Jesus: 

    For those of you who don’t watch the show, quick disclaimer… “Jesus” is the nickname of the character Paul Rovia. We are not talking about Jesus Christ. Just to be clear. 

    Our first impression of Jesus is… Kind of fucking awesome. So far our queer characters have been, by and large, absolute dorks. When we first meet Jesus, he scams Rick and Daryl, snags their keys without them noticing, and steals their truck full of food and supplies. After then he puts up one hell of a fight during his and the duo’s back and forth (unfortunately, none of them are badass enough to save that big truck from sinking to the bottom of the lake. Good job, guys). He even saves Daryl’s life during that very same battle. Jesus continues to do badass things during his introduction, but you probably get the gist.

    Jesus’s coming out is so far my favourite in the show. In the season after he’s introduced, he’s having a talk with Maggie, admitting that he’s never really fit in with anyone. He thanks her for making Hilltop feel more like a home. He says, “I’ve always found it hard getting close to anyone- Neighbors, friends… Boyfriends.” Unlike Aaron and Eric, it’s a very casual coming out, mentioned only to someone he’s come to really trust and admire.

    I think the way Jesus expresses his sexuality is a very important distinction from the way Aaron and Eric express theirs. Aaron is glad to mention it any time it’s relevant- For example he has a talk with Daryl when they’re alone about being outsiders, telling Daryl (who’s having trouble acclimating to his time in Alexandria) that it does get better. He references his romantic relationship with Eric and how, paraphrasing, some otherwise really lovely boys and girls will say the most hilariously offensive things. Jesus’s sexuality is a much more personal thing to him. 

    Both of these characters are valid, and there is nothing wrong with the way either of them choose to express their love. There needs to be more pieces of media that have queer characters that differ in this way. 

    Magna & Yumiko: 

    Magna and Yumiko are introduced towards the end of the ninth season, so I don’t know very much about them. They’re part of a small group of survivors who are looking for a settlement that’ll take them in. Magna is very distrusting, especially of Michonne. She’s impulsive, and paranoid. Yumiko, as a foil, is calmer and more rational. She’s defensive about Magna (and the rest of her group) and protective. They have the potential to make a really good team- They balance each other out well. 

   We learn that they’re together when they agree to split up so Magna can help the main group with the current crisis, and Magna kisses Yumiko goodbye. There were times before it was confirmed that they hinted at their relationship, for instance when one of them had their head in the other’s lap in the background of a shot and were talking quietly. When talking to Michonne, Yumiko tells a story about Magna with a fond smile.

   I think, so far, they’re in the clear. 

   Personality Diversity 

   It seems obvious, but it’s important to make each character different. A lot of cishet people (and even some queer people) when writing queer characters for the first time seem to get fixated on whatever they think are ‘queer qualities.’ Every queer character they write ends up being the same one. Let’s go over the ways each queer character on The Walking Dead are their own, and can’t be lumped into the same. 

   Levels of capability: 

   Denise was an objectively weak character. She had been hidden behind the walls of Alexandria the entire apocalypse, had never killed a walker, and didn’t even know how to fight. But she died trying to be better. She asked for Daryl and Rosita’s help, people much more capable and experienced than her, and she risked her life for the good of the community.

   The other queer characters are all very capable of taking care of themselves, to various extents. Tara started in a bit of a rough spot. She was better off than Denise, though, in that she knew how to shoot a gun and, being out with the Governor, she quickly grew first hand experience. Eric didn’t have as much experience, but, like Denise, he was ready to step up when they needed him. I would put Aaron on the same combat level as Tara. I mentioned Jesus’s badassery- He’s on par with Rick, Daryl, and Michonne in my opinion. As for Magna and Yumiko, they specialize in teamwork. 

   Strong suits: 

   The show also, in my opinion, did a good job at not making them the Token Gay Characters because they each have their own strong suits. Tara is extremely determined and good at giving tough love when someone else is willing to give up. Jesus is clever and savvy (firecrackers in a trashcan?). Denise was a fucking doctor (pretty much). We don’t know much about Yumiko and Magna, but I’m sure they’ll have their own strengths as well. Each character has a specialty that’ll come in handy in different situations.

  Nuance: 

  I mentioned before that a lot of our queer characters have been pretty dorky. In my opinion, they’ve done a good job at leveling that out with Jesus, Magna, and Yumiko.

  I’d also just like to take a minute to mention Tara’s fashion. I feel like they HAVE to have a lesbian on costumes, because the way Tara dresses is just a detail that you’d only think of if you’re involved in the queer community.

  Look at all those fucking flannels. 

  Deaths

  With any character, killing them is a big decision and should not be taken lightly. Sure, there are some deaths that seem relatively minor (Carter’s death when the hoard from the quarry split into two, for example), and there are deaths that are HUGE (Glenn), but each and every one served a purpose. Killing characters off for shock value or for blood or just to keep things exciting are all signs of a bad or inexperienced writer. 

  It’s also important to remember what this post is about- How they’ve been representing queer characters. Death is a HUGE part of that, it could make or break their entire score. Death is a sensitive subject in the queer community due to the countless hate crimes that resulted in the deaths of queer people that went unresolved and unacknowledged. In most genres, killing queer people off at all is seen as a no-no (we’re murdered enough in real life). But, as I mentioned earlier, in a show set in the zombie apocalypse, people are going to die, and that includes queer people. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have tact.

  Denise: 

  Denise’s death is the easiest to see why it’s necessary. Let’s break it down. 

  Denise died the exact same death that Abraham did in the comic books. Why is this important? Because that gave Abraham the opportunity to be there when Negan was introduced, which is when he actually died, which Sasha saw, which pinned all of Sasha’s (and Rosita’s) anger on Negan. That led to a HUGE plot point, and Sasha’s own eventual death and the almost-victory of Rick Grimes and the almost-death of Negan! And even though all didn’t go fully to plan, it still created the distraction that was needed to begin the war, which drastically changed the course of the series. That’s why Denise died. So that Sasha could distract Negan and give Rick and his group the upper hand in the war. 

  I was SO sad when Denise died, but from a writer’s standpoint, it’s a death I can appreciate.

  Eric: 

  I’m not saying Eric’s death was pointless, because it didn’t feel pointless, but I can’t exactly pinpoint the reason. However, we don’t always get to know that right away or have it be obvious. I’m inclined to do a pass on this one.

  Now, onto the death itself. It was… So goddamn sad. In a fight for freedom from the Saviors, Eric was shot. Aaron immediately gets him out of the battle and brings him to a quiet place. Eric convinces him to keep fighting, because he knows that they need Aaron, saying “I can die here just fine on my own.” They say they love each other, and they kiss, and Aaron runs back to the fight. When Aaron gets back, Eric has turned and is wandering off in the distance. Another Alexandrian keeps Aaron from running after him, and comforts him.

  And, I’m adding this because I think it’s important, when Aaron gets back to Rick and the group, Rick is holding a little baby named Gracie (let’s not get into how he found this baby). He needs someone to take her back to the Kingdom, so she’ll be safe… And Aaron takes her. He says, please, I have to, let me take her. Aaron adopts a little baby girl.

  I personally think the death was done very well. Queerness aside, it was STRONG. It was so emotionally powerful. Aaron’s friend being there to help him and keep him from doing something stupid, him putting his mourning into doing something good (taking care of Gracie), and ESPECIALLY Eric himself telling Aaron to go, that there are more important things to be done. Emotionally speaking, it might be my favorite death in the series. It hurts, but I think it was done so well.

 Jesus: 

 Jesus’s death was fucking stupid.

 Like, I know, blahblahblah, it was important to the plot, we need to be mad at the Whisperers, we needed a reason to fight, blah fucking blah I’m still not over it. I fucking hate Jesus’s death. I WASN’T expecting it, and I’m fucking annoyed.

 The biggest reason I’m annoyed is because I was waiting for them to reveal Aaron and Jesus’s relationship. I’ll talk more about why that bothered me later, but the reason Jesus’s death was awful, was because it’s inextricable from this fatal flaw.

 Tara: 

 I’m writing this after seeing Tara’s death for the first time pretty recently. I’ve only seen it once, and the problems I have with the death aren’t the death itself at all. In fact, I think, queer-wise, it was done pretty well. I mean, it happened with a whole bunch of straighties, you know? It’s not like they put a bunch of queer kids’ heads on pikes, she was the only queer one. So I hesitantly say it was alright.

 Eric, Jesus, & Tara: 

 This is an important part that bothers me a bit. I’m not sure how serious it is, because I very well could just be being sensitive, but… Jesus’s death happened VERY suddenly, and then right after that we lost Tara. And Eric’s death hadn’t happened too long before, either. Especially when, in comparison to the straighties, we have such a small cast of queer characters, to lose so many of them so fast… It was kind of exhausting. I’d love to hear other queer fans’ thoughts about this and if you think I’m being overdramatic, or if you feel similarly.

 What Did They Do Wrong? 

 Before closing out the post, let’s sum everything up and give some final thoughts. 

 Jesus’s death and his relationship with Aaron: 

 I was absolutely devastated when Jesus died, and not in the good way. I accidentally read a “spoiler” that said Aaron was Jesus’s boyfriend, so I was waiting for that to be revealed. Every time Aaron and Jesus were in danger, I wasn’t scared at all, because I thought they can’t die without revealing that first.

 And, I mean, after that six year gap SO many straighties were revealing their relationships. Not a single gay relationship? Not a single fucking one? I was waiting for Jesus and Aaron to reveal their relationship and instead, one of them died. 

 And it wasn’t just the spoiler that did this. My sister didn’t know this spoiler, and she thought they were going to get together, too. But it wasn’t just “oh there are two gay guys in the same room they HAVE to get together.” We’ve both seen scenes with the two of them together in previous seasons, and neither of us had ever thought they were going to get together. After that six year gap, Aaron and Jesus had chemistry. It seemed like they purposefully set them up just to kill one of them.

 No trans characters: 

 It’s been ten fucking years PLEASE give me a trans character. Or, and I know, this is crazy, but maybe a couple. Unless of course the zombies have a particular taste for transies and we were all killed off at the start. 

 I would KILL for a transguy character who can’t bind and doesn’t pass, but all the good characters are calling him by the correct pronouns anyway and it’s not a big deal. 

 Please. Add some trans characters. 

 Missed opportunities: 

 My best way of explaining this is calling back to a minor character, a man who got bit after the hoard from the quarry split in half. He’s talking about his wife, how he wants to get back to her and say goodbye. He could have easily been talking about his husband. 

 Some people might disagree, saying that since he’s bit and he’s going to die, that this would be a really bad idea, but… I don’t think so. There’s enough major queer characters in the show to balance this out, and, I mean, come on, it’s a show about zombies. People die every episode. This gay man just happened to be one of them. We don’t even meet his wife! It would be so easy. 

 I think it’s a weakness that their only queer characters are major characters, because background characters are part of what reminds you that there’s a whole world out there. It’s part of the immersion. If we never meet any queer background characters, it makes the major characters outliers. I realize this is nitpicking, but it’s been ten fucking years. I’m not going to take the time to tally up every single character, major and minor, in The Walking Dead and label them as assumed straight or confirmed queer, but we can all guess what that list would look like. 

 What Did They Do Right? 

 They made sure to always have at least one queer character: 

 We’re missing our queer characters in the first two seasons, but once we have Tara, we have at least one queer character to look up to in every single season. Some cishet people might think this is pandering, but it’s a very important part (NOT the entirety) of avoiding the Bury Your Gays trope.

 Every time they killed a queer character, there was a reason: 

 They’re not just slicing and dicing. 

 Personality differences: 

 They’re all their very own character, and there’s not any “queer traits.”

Coming outs: 

They were all in character and done realistically.

They didn’t queer-bait or introduce a gay character just to kill them:

Every queer character so far has had a decent shelf life. For major characters, let’s keep it that way.

xxx

Talk to me about this! I want to know what you agree with me on, what you don’t, whether you’re fans of The Walking Dead or not. 

Question/s of the month: 

My first question is for people of colour, both those of you who are fans of The Walking Dead and who aren’t: How do you feel about how the Walking Dead chooses to represent people of colour? Go crazy, ramble as long as you want, I really want to know! 

My second question is a request: Please recommend me movies and tv shows in the horror genre specifically that have queer characters! Whether it’s done well or not, I want to see them all (I’ve already seen It: Chapter 2 and I love American Horror Story). 

Let me know what you think about this series, please! I want to do one on the horror genre as a whole and The Good Place, so if this is well received, I’ll get started on that!

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[houseofvans]

SKETCHY BEHAVIORS | INTERVIEW WITH LAUREN YS

From large scale murals to multi-layered works on canvas, LA based artist Lauren YS’s art captures everything from the female experience, addressing topics like sexuality, death, aliens, monsters, and the occult. Her works are complex much like her own experiences, so we’re super stoked to find out more about what drives her, who and what inspires her, and what challenges and advice she has for our readers in this awesome Sketchy Behaviors interview..

Take the leap!

Photographs courtesy of the artist. 

Introduce yourself. Hey! I’m Lauren YS - Hmm, something you might not know … I used to play ice hockey and my favorite candy are Peach O’s. I am a really good listener, but that also means I hate being interrupted. I dream, often, about being underwater.

Tell folks a little about your artwork and what do you love to make works about? I make work about the female experience, sexuality, identity, space, aliens, heritage, death, monsters, nature, emotions, natural phenomena, the occult and whatever else I might be obsessing about. I like slimy creatures, kitsch, psychedelia, sex and Halloween, and mixing repulsion with attraction. I want the viewer to feel unsettled as much as engaged. I make things in an effort to try to process the beautiful shit rocket that is the world around me.

When did art become something you were aware you could do for a living or as a career you wanted to pursue? I have always been making art, but I never thought it was possible to support oneself as an artist: It seemed really out of reach or surreal. It wasn’t until I had already been fully freelance for a year before I realized I was actually doing it. I think it’s just something that comes out of necessity, it’s like – if I want to keep making art as much as possible at the rate I am living, then damn, I’m going to learn how to make money off of it.

What’s a typical studio day for you like? I tend to work nocturnally. I’ll paint through the night and sleep through the day and watch horror movies, listen to podcasts about art, serial killers and cults, and eat anywhere from 1-2 sacks of tangerines every day. I like to really plow through paintings as well, it’s hard for me to stop working on something once I start. After about three weeks in the studio like this, your mind starts to wander off into deep strange places, and that’s when the really good stuff comes out.

What’s your studio or creative space like? What do you keep around to constantly motivate or inspire you? I have always worked best in a bit of “artistic chaos”–I like to fill my space with odds and ends, knick-knacks, items from my travels, talismans. I believe in the power of objects. I love my lava lamp and need to buy seven more. I also have this drawing I made of an Asian grandma screaming “DRAW, MOTHERFUCKER” which I plan to make into a screen print and give to all my artist friends.

When working on a body of paintings and works for a show, what is your process like? How long does it typically take you to complete a painting from start to finish? Depending on the size of the gallery, it can take anywhere from 2-6-10 months to create a show, given that it is often punctuated by mural tours and big projects to pay the bills. I like to work on lots of pieces at the same time, so generally it’ll take a few days to a week or two to finish a piece. I am trying to get better at reworking pieces rather than just pushing through them one by one. Workflow is still sorting itself out. I also make a ton of pieces that end up being nixed from the final show. I am very prolific but also very psychotic.

Not only do you work on canvas, but you are also known for some of your amazing murals! When did you start going from painting on a regular scale to large scale works? What’s your process like for mapping out these large works? Well shucks, thank you! I started painting murals around 2013, which was a sort of natural transition because I wanted to work bigger and bigger, I wanted to travel and be in the sun and use giant machines to make my art. I actually started learning color from using spray paint. I freehand everything because I like to feel independent of projectors or machines, especially if I’m in a foreign country or don’t have time or resources.

It makes me feel empowered to be able to make big things on my own. Maybe that comes from growing up under the common experience girls have, especially asian girls, where you’re expected to be small and quiet and obedient. I have always worked in active aggression against that stereotype.

Is there a medium you’d love to get your hands on, but yet to have the chance too? And what are your go-to materials? I’d really love to learn how to use an airbrush, a la Sorayama. Outside of 2D I am dying to get back into stop motion animation. My favorite brand of spray paint is Montana Black (high pressure forever!), and I use a wide variety of acrylics and gouache in my paintings, specifically the Holbein gouaches from Japan.

What do you love about where you live, and what is the art community like in your area? I never thought I’d move to LA, but I’ve been really enjoying it here. I’m a communal living person (been in and out of communities for about 9 years) and I am lucky to have found somewhere that fits with my work ethic (intense) and social vibe (weird). I like to be able to work alone while still having people bustling around and making things all the time. It helps me to feel like I’m not dead or a total solipsist.

I’ve also found that the artists in LA–especially the female artists–have proven to be really kind, generous and welcoming. There’s a lot of room for weirdos here; it might take a while to find them, but they’re here. We also have a one-eyed cat, did I mention that?

Who are some artists you’re inspired by and have influenced you throughout the years? I’m a big fan of dark/psychedelic/erotic artists like Keiichi Tanaami, Suehiro Maruo, Sorayama and the whole Ero Guro movement. I also love Goya’s dark paintings and the sculpture work of Bernini. Some contemporary artists I’ve been into lately are Christian Rex Van Minnen, David Altmejd, Robin Francesca Williams and the fabric sculptures of Do Ho-Suh. Jamie Hewlett, Swoon, Andrew Hem, Aryz. I find that my taste changes constantly and I am always thirsty for different influences.

What’s been the most challenging part of your art career? What’s been the most rewarding? What do you do to keep the balance? Something really challenging has been learning how to trust myself while growing in the industry and balancing business, work and travel. It’s a really solid test: moving to a new city, providing for yourself, going on tour, shifting from place to place, managing gallery work and mural work, all while protecting and nurturing your own ambition and positivity, and not feed into the shitstorm of capitalism and social media past what is required of you.

The muralist life is not for the faint of heart. I would hardly say that I keep any type of “balance”–art is my life and there isn’t much room for anything else, and that’s how I like it. It is the most rewarding thing to look around and feel like you’ve created something new and good and powerful, all on your own terms. It is similarly rewarding to feel the need to level up - I enjoy feeling stressed arguably more than I enjoy feeling accomplished.

What would your dream collaboration be? What do you enjoy most about collaborations with other artists or clients? I would love to do something with Takashi Murakami and/or his gallery (Kaikai Kiki Gallery). There’s also this amazing Australian animator named Felix Colgrave whose work I’ve been obsessed with lately, I’d love to find a way to make an animated short with him! I love collaborating - especially on mural work - because it’s such a cool experience to be able to intermingle your visual world with someone else’s. Working with ONEQ in Hawaii this year was really great, she had so many suggestions and ideas from out of left field that made me rethink my own work as well. It also forces you to relinquish some control on the way you work, and reflect on the basic joys of making shit in the first place.

If you could paint a portrait of anyone living or dead, who would you choose and why? I really want to do a tripped out portrait of Yayoi Kusama or Bjork or maybe Steve Buscemi—all heroes of mine.

What’s your advice to folks who see what you do and want to pursue art as a career? I would say, go at it as hard as you possibly can! Make sure you really enjoy doing it! Not all parts of painting murals are glamorous (actually, few are) and it’s important to truly love every part of it if you’re going to commit your life to it.

This means: hustling walls, handling machinery, travel, people, logistics, finding somewhere to pee, dealing with unexpected bullshit, not complaining, being comfortable handling yourself in dangerous situations, being independent and resourceful, etc. I have reservations about artists who genuinely don’t seem to enjoy all the elements of mural painting going too deep into it. But if it’s something you love, there’s nothing better.

What are your FAVORITE Vans? I’ve been rocking the classic authentic Vans in black/burgundy as paint shoes for years now. But I also love the Sk8-Hi boys in burgundy… I never wear them because I’m too scared to get paint on them, haha!

What other artists would you love to see interviewed for Sketchy Behaviors? I’m currently really into Andrea Wan, Louise Zhang and Caratoes. It would also be really cool if you covered a GNC or trans artist, like Nomi Chi or Laughing Loone!

What’s next for you that you can share? My first book is coming out this year with Von Zos, and I’m also going to be designing a tarot deck with them. April is my first mural tour in several months; I’ll be hopping from Australia - Guam - Peru, and then moving around South America for a while, trying to practice my spanish. After that, I’ll be starting work on my next big show, scheduled for a city in Asia, which I’m really, really excited about - keep an eye out!

FOLLOW LAUREN YS | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM | SHOP

[neuropathicgypsy]

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A post shared by Alex Laughlin (@alexlaughlin40) on Feb 3, 2019 at 5:13pm PST

I was complaining about his pictures.. I didn't like them... Not that he's not beautiful.. I just didnt like h pictures...

People say alot about "me not being there"

But his pictures... He's not there..

I've told him before...

This I watched a thousand times when he first posted it... I didn't know why or why i heard him say id taught him that on date night on accident or that it had hit me in the head..

It felt like only two of us had been there... But with the sound it made it feel like a bunch... Which made me think may Be it was a busy night or maybe we went with a group

By the time he had posted it, i had known he was in my life... But only for a short time...

So I didn't know what he meant. I thought I should message and ask him...

But I didn't. I wanted to tell myself to try.

But i didn't. I just wanted to keep watching.

At first, my reaction was the same as tonight, what a dork. Like REALLY. What a complete dork. No one think he's any thing but annoying and total dork 2 year old too hyper annoying child.

Then i watch it again. And again. And again.

And i see him. When he walks off camera. That's where he is.

It would have made sense to write him since he only appeared off camera.

But i had only seen him once.

What if he was damaged like me? I already knew i was too damaged for myself...

And so I would mess him up.... Because I always do.. I can't hold a relationship. Like never.

I get too impatient. Too angry. Too Me.

I decided to just be glad i saw him. Maybe it didn't make any difference to him and probably I'd forget in all reality. So then in the end it wouldn't make a difference if I saw him...

Now would it?

And so if I wrote him and I was too damaged then i would ruin it all. I always did. Always too much pressure on someone. Me or them.

I wasn't ready.

And I tell you. It's true. The one day I decided to try. He blocked me.

He really did. I just use another account cause fuck that shit, you're not gonna stand in my way Alex Laughlin with that giant phone in your pocket. Unblock me when you're ready. I'll just stalk you not so silently on social media.

Now we'll see about that date night we had...

Michael Jackson asked us to check on the people we sent home. He said he wanted to join the CIA and they checked and watched but he wanted to see if it were all true. Since we knew who we sent home, we should go. So we all four went.

Saint Luches and Jesse Tony went dressed like homeless beggars to see if they'd catch up with a kidnapper or protector.

And we went on a date night to a local putt-putt mini golf.

Alex was freaking out because it was an hour and a half and we hadn't seen them walk by yet. So he had us in the corner nearest where they were supposed to walk up at. He sat on a bench "not even a page" he checked his beeper.

We both knew they were in danger and they were gonna get jacked up. We knew. The plan was they were to get kidnapped. Find the kidnappers hide outs and make sure our girl's were at home, had beem delivered by the CIA. Alex didn't want to be kidnapped. He couldn't handle that. So he went with me. We never went out on date night.

"Give me your ball. You're not ruining date night"

"What? Excuse me? Our friends could be dead and you're worried about you, yourself?"

"Neither one are dead. I would know" i stacked two balls and he threw his hands up in the air. God he could be so annoying in public. I never knew. He is sitting there looking so sexy and doesn't even know. Maybe i should tell him! Strike One. Right. Then I'll get in trouble. Besides didn't I already show him with a blow job in the car? But no all he had to do was worry. That was all. Did he compliant my dress? Strike Two. Yes he did. Of course he did. He Always did. But could he tell the difference between one dress and another?

"Can you tell three difference between me and a suit? The different ones I wear?"

I looked up at him. Yeah. Of course I could. This one was blue with jeans in case he had to run. Tomorrow was black which I preferred with black jeans, again. I looked down at the ground but i was still watching him and the street from the corner of my eye. No one was coming. Not good.

He threw his hands up "not again! Not--!" He stood and pulled at his leg "these ones are blue!"

"I know that honey! I just meant--"

"Why are you whiney?"

"Just stuff."

I felt him lean backwards on me, back to back, slide down and end face up between my legs.

"Get on. Hurry before someone sees" I looked down between my legs at him. His bright blue jeans were undone

"But you're not out yet and you don't like me being on top!"

"Look again"

"Oh you're out already?! But some one could see!"

"You better hide it" i looked down the street. "They're not coming you're right they've been kidnapped. Saint Luches was already. Jesse is still waiting. Mark told me and he told me I better take care of you. Come on! Its getting cold! You're gonna freeze my thing off of me!"

"But Mark shouldn't I lay down?"

"Lets do the proper thing and lay your coat down under her. These guys in this van behind her have been watching her and you." Said Mark

"Lead the way babe! This New Orleans thing aint bad at all when you're with someone who knows how to have fun!"

"I can't ... I can't get it up ... I can't do it when some kidnappers are sitting here watching me! Now they know my face!!"

"Well they can get to know my pussy." He was looking up and i could hear a car "what? Its Jesse isn't it? What was he pointing down at?"

"Time? What? Idk!!"

"He said meet me here. He knows what to do this time and he is gonna attack the kidnappers and take the van. Quick baby get up. Someone is coming. Baby! Look at me"

"Im watching Jesse"

"I can't see. Babe. I feel the ground vibrations. You gotta get up. Babe. Honey please. Babe he's coming to you" he had no idea a kidnapper from the van was coming and the on side he had me pinned down in. I could see his shadow. I didn't know if he was using chloroform and how fast he was. He thought i was talking about Jesse in the van. No. I was talking about the people at our feet!! Not our heads.

"Why don't you trust me i can see just fine!" He looked down at me and kissed my lips and saw the shadow i saw. He looked up. There was 7 kidnappers surrounding us. He still hadn't entered me and had his Dick in his hand. But he was over me so they couldn't see. He looked me in the eyes. Slide your knee up. So I did. Carefully and zip. Then he was up in a milisecond, climbing off me, grabbing the club and swinging. What do i do? "Tuck and Roll!!"

I did away from them, the same direction he had went "Go!! Don't run!!"

He meant hide. He was fighting for the club it seemed.. One was watching and 2 were down and 2 were fighting him and one was nearby to jump in.

"You can't catch me!!!!" I ran toward him. Zig

"NO! I GOT IT! JUST NOOOO!"

Zag! "Hey!! You wanna piece of me?!?! I got a pretty pussy!!" I smiled and pulled at the hem of my skirt and twisted my hips back and forth.

"Noooo!!!"

The guy fighting him for the club.. He was sickest. I saw it in his eyes. He didn't know what a human was anymore. It was so long since he had been one. Surrounded by evil so long that's all he knew and has become.

Dam if he hadn't distracted me just enough... First i felt a light touch on my ankle, "me" "no, that's enough she can only have me dammit" my arm was grabbed roughly. I felt i was in a horror film and i was the one to die. The man sized thing had a death grip on me and blacked out teeth and a look on his eyes that passed psycho. I was scared. I checked Laughlin. He was just watching keeping cool twirling the golf club like a baton. I could hear Luches saying I said help me and Laughlin saying I said run.

"Let GO!" I yanked my arm. I spun around, bent my knees. There was 4. Shit, all eyes on me! Its time! Go! I ran toward the one i expected to grab me But didn't. Past him fast, jog past Laughlin in heels. I know he liked it. I was in heels. Extra special sauce. Slow jog so he could enjoy. Larger outer rim and super fast towards the kick. I slammed myself into the chain link fence. Ducked down a bit and tight squeeze -- heels to the side. Stand in the middle. I completed a full circle. Dodged behind the storage shed. I only had 6 inches. My ass bent the fence so i could sit a bit, taking pressure off my knees because I put my feet in toe facing toe. I was too desperate to think that step. Man I was scared

"Stay in the middle. He will come and get you. Man look at my baby I'm so proud" I heard my real mom. The one that gave birth to me.

"Mom! I'm scared! There's too many! Is he gonna be alright?"

"Mark will help he will be fine."

"Okay I'll just wait then" I looked down at my nails and picked at the cuticles.

"Don't look up"

I did anyway. It was grotesque. I flinched.

"Don't you want me?" He asked leaning his head in as far as he could between the fence and shed.

"Don't look up"

I did anyway. At least he looked somewhat human. He was probably the Boss. He was the one i expected to grab me. Instead he just stands around while everyone else does the work.

"They're too high to know what they're doing. They'll be alright"

"Mom my heart!"

"Every thing is alright you just need to caaalllm through it" I felt relief

I just need to look at the normal one. That will be okay..

"Are you kidnapped?"

I heard the chain link behind me I looked and he was trying to move in behind the shed. I whimpered.

"Yeah. You are young, too, I expect. I think i know your boyfriend. He work in New York City?"

I gasped "you are kidnapped! What are you doing?!!"

"They made me do it. Said if i didn't they would kill my whole family. So i pretend to be the lookout hoping someone will catch me, them, they pay me good too. Your other friend is in the van"

Alex appeared

"No!!!" I gasped and put my hand in my face as he knocked out the innocent kid "just go get the other--"

"What am I doing?"

"Kill that thing over there"

"What baby? Let's get you out of there" he leaned over to assist

"Oh my God! Watch out!" I saw the shadow loom near him

"Huh? I already hit this one! Just go the other way babe! It'll be alright"

"Oh my God. I hope so!"

"It will just do what you need to" i heard my mom's voice. "He's over here"

"I know" I was so scared to look around the corner and see the eyes of herion on the face of a psycho but I had to, I know Alex was just holding him off. Pretending to fight. I could tell.

"Now run!" My mom said

"Okay!" I was whining "to the van! I know! Right in front of me!" I felt confident. I got past the fence into the lot "oh no! There's two!"

"Just get in! That is what i was trying to tell you!" Mom said

"Okay... I... I... Okay come on door open for me!" It did it smelled like oily car parts "saint Lcuha?"

"No"

Okay get in. What? Did he say no? I could smell his cologne. I was in such a panic. My heart was failing me so bad

"Why are you putting your seat belt on for? He wants thou to drive and Don't duck"

Who? Saint Luches? I looked up and saw Alex.

"I'm hoping that other one is empty. I took the keys. Idk why. Now let's find Jesse"

It took 3 weeks to clean up New Orleans. The CIA there went bad. They said they would let people return home but if any one was on the street they were free game. The mini golf was abandoned. Gate ripped off. Cars in the parking lot but no one was there. We got the club and balls our self.

I had to go to the emergency room 4 times because of chronic heart failure.

One time All i could do was bend over and put pressure on my heart but it was too bad. Alex held my hand as he drove. He drove to the hospital, covered in kidnapper blood. Saint Luches had to carry me in. I was already gone.

They said it was heart attacks. Nurses said it was miracles. 3 heart attacks within 10 days. Massive heart failure. Dead for 9 hours one time. About t pronounce me dead but had to wait on a lawyer from NYC. A miracle they said. But I felt like shit.

Only 6 of us against 294 kidnappers, 2/3 were CIA/FBI

No one went to school or work. Only fully loaded adult vans went to stores and not many shelves had food.

The Evil was great in that town. Just East of New Orleans.

Only 294 took down thousands.

Only 6 if us it took to save them all.

We did the same thing every time. 2 homeless/hungry street walkers, sometimes prostituting.

Or 3 if I couldn't go because I was too sick, around my kryptonite heroin and kidnappers.

2 Michael Jackson and T at movie theaters, gas stations, wherever normal went. Sometimes I went with them. Sat in the back seat. Lincoln Continental. Tinted windows. Back seat window slant for privacy. They would lock the doors. I would unlock T's he would use the key or she would open. Sometimes I did both. That's when we knew I was feeling better. I had to unlock 2 doors all day at least 4 days without missing a stop without a reason. Or I had to stay in the car. I got paid. Really sick days I laid down and slept. She would go in through his side door or stay in and sit with me.

9 times I unlocked the door for a kidnapper. I was usually reading a novella. Id see a shadow, think it was her or sometimes Michael. Just unlock it auto matic ally.

The first time I ran screaming from the car when a zombie got in. And collapsed 20 feet away. I felt dumb. I tried to keep my eyes open. To see whose feet i could hear but i was dead.

T telling Michael "2 days after her 3rd massive heart attack and what's she out doing? Exercising. What the doctor say to do? Not that! You not dead yet? We're taking you to the hospital anyway. This will be no fun. Im not taking the fall for that. What was she doing anyway? Unlocking the door for that that thing. I don't blame her I would taken off running screaming too if that thing came near me. What she call them? zombie? Dam things are scary looking. And she opened the door for the scariest. Bet he could smell her sweet pussy like that other one did that scared her so bad. Said he reminded her of her dad that day when she called the police on him but worse. She said she only told me that cause she said I'm a girl and pretty and her mom was giving her a pretty hard time About it and she wondered she should be scared or not, it was pretty dam bad Michael. She had this look in her eyes that i never seen before. She's asleep now. Wuss. Wuss. But it was bad Michael im telling you. That look in her eyes. Shes never had it, it was terror. Complete terror. Wuss. Wake up wuss. She told me to call her that. Might make her angry i don't care about her feelings. Make her wanna fight me. Im her cousin. I could do that. Wuss. Wuss. She's too weak. She can't. She wants to though. She's awake, i told your secret you wanna fight me? She said no. Don't tell them other two boys tho. I already told Jess. She said i could because he's independent like her but the other two seem to rely on her and she don't want them to know. She said Jesse would know what to do and protect them for her. But if they knew how scared she was They would go berserk. But she said they would start fighting how to take care of her. She said it was good you were here tho. You could take leadership over her and they would let you. They want her safe and out of the way the most part thats what she said. Wuss. Get back in your body. I ain't putting up with that shit, she said at the hospital. Theres something happening up a head. She can't see laying down. Van! Kidnappers! She said that is the one the boys are in. She said to follow. Who is in? Oh Jesse and Alex. Saint Luches always goes alone. But Alex won't. Oh he will now? She said he knew something was wrong so he jumped in too. They're trying to figure out what. Or what to do, what is. Oh they don't know what is wrong with her. Get back in Yoir body and sit up. She said no. She's too weak just tell the boys to shove her against the window. You know they won't. They will have a dam heart attack. Sit up! You see this. She's waving her arm at and it goes up 6 inches then thump. She can't do shit. Wuss. She's just a wuss. I'm just unlocking the door for them So they can get in faster. She had a heart attack. She said collapsed she's trying but she has no rhythm. Just rub her hands and legs and feet that's what the doctor said to do. No she's been shaking her head although slightly and nodding. Nodding is clearer but she's only moving near millimeters. Aren't ya? Look! She smiled! She's lethargic. No don't try to move! Just lay there let them help your blood flow to your heart and brain"

Jesse had got in at my head. Alex at my feet. They just slid under my body. When we got Saint Luches, Jesse slid to the middle and bent me up in his lap then laid me down gently into Saint Luches lap.

Of all the people in the car, Saint Luches put his seat belt on.

Boy been thrown in the back of vans with no seats much less belts for weeks!!. Dam boy. I laughed and it killed me..at least I died laughing, i thought. Instead of of terror.

I had to stay over night. Total 9 days in the hospital. For 3 massive coronary and medium to severe heart attack, that wasnt too bad.

Im glad they diagnosed me. My mother said it was a panic attack. I told her I was sure glad she wasn't a nurse! She laughed.

She didn't die laughing, though, she was already dead.

She was right though... She wanted to become a nurse because of my heart condition. It's actually backwards when I was born. Its turned 3/4 of the way backwards now...

Apparently there's extra long tubes so it could turn all the way.

Love is the only cure. My work here isn't done.

Balls to the walls, kids.

So after that... Well the night i got out of the hospital.. My blood pressure dropped from stress, from remembering the last time i had been in the car, so T had to climb over the seat and help the blood flow to my limbs

So after that Alex decided I couldn't ride alone.

So then when i saw a shadow go to the window 2 days after my 4th trip to the hospital after 4 insane heart attacks, and everyone left me in the car alone because there was 7 vans I just unlocked the door

I wasn't really reading. I was trying but really i wss just looking at the book, listening. So when the kidnapper got in, I leaned all the way back in the seat so my head was far as possible. It exposed my chest so if he wanted to perv on my boobs there was nothing I can do. But it was better than being attacked in my spine or head. So i tried to hold the hardcover book to protect me.

I opened my car door to signal a problem.

"Don't move. Stay in the car"

I shut the door. "What is this? I think the seat belt went out" open the door. Slam. "No shit. I really did it this time" open door Slam. "Now the buckle.." Open door Slam. I saw Alex perk on the 3rd. "Now just one more..." Open door. Slam. I heard him. "I'm coming Baby" "got it. Finally" "uhhh sir? I didn't see you in here before. Did you get in the wrong car? Because I don't know yo--"

I realized if he didn't turn around then may be it was better. If I didn't see his face, I had a feeling I wanted to But I didn't know if it was curiosity or instinct. He had a hood up so when he turned his head it wasn't enough.

"Hey... Uhm.. Did you want to get something to eat? One of my friends has lots of money. Did you see her? You're in her seat. You might want to scoot over towards the middle" Alex had came and he had cracked his door open to hear. I knew we needed to find out our situation. And Alex was there. I wouldn't get So scared. If I saw a shadow behind I would just scream and point. This guy wasn't turning around for nothing. He wouldn't see me point out his friends. Of course the shadows were going the wrong direction. But if i could see i could scream, that would make my point clear. I opened up my book to steady my heart. It wzs begining to race and I had to steady it in the beginning. Just think about Alex getting in the car being safe i said to myself.

"Yeah buddy. You may just want to scoot over. Hey did you want to drive or anything? You can the car is already on." Alex climbed in the car. Shut and locked the door and began to mess with his seatbelt

"Where is the girl with the money?"

"Oh they're not coming" Alex looked at me like why did you say that for?

Idk sounded good to me. They were criminals. All criminals wanted money. I was pretty sure he wasn't going anywhere.

"But i took the money. See? I got a hunny" he pulled out a dollar bill from my purse in the floor.

"This is a one!! I need to make me some money!!" He slid over to the driver side

He doesn't even sound human i worried. Alex said he didn't look like he had any eyes.

He put the car in drive

"Alex! No!"

Alex dust busted him anyway, jumped over the seat and put it in park

"He left his clothes?!"

"Yeah. Sit up here with me"

"No I don't want too. Too much strength. Action. Movement. I can't even read. Did you know? Too much strength"

"I had a feeling. But you're smart enough to slam the door to alert me. Put your seat belt on. There you go that's nice. Thank you bunny"

He was driving around the vans looking for our friends. He turned the corner and so many shadows. He parked. They seemed to get bigger.

"Oh no! Alex! Alex!" Then I just literally screamed and covered my head, he reached back and locked my door. Moving slow and still.

"They're just buildings now. You can look"

"Oh no Alex. One just got in the car! He's sitting behind you! Alex! No! Please don't touch me! Alex! Shoot it!"

He tried to climb up the back window. Like the one the day before had when I was just with Michael and T. He laid there mimicking me. And dangling his arm off the back of the back dash. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't know if it was because i had been dead and it was Mark and my brain wasn't working proper cause the blood so i couldn't recognize. T turned around to check on me a lot and Mike checked the review mirror a lot. I knew he was driving but surely he could see if something was dangerous... But his eyes didn't acknowledge. Neither did hers.

"Your mom said i could!" He sounded hurt. In 2020 that attitude pisses me off and i kill things dead immediately, "we were in the morgue! And we were listening!! They said. They said you were scared! And we knew we couldn't kill the Queen! So i didnt turn around! And i was shot! Shot twice!"

Alex looked at me questioningly. "I don't know? If my mom said it's for a reason. I saw him yesterday and didn't tell no one"

"Thats not what i meant and i think i know that. You do, too. You're hiding something from me. Why are you sacred? Why did you let him in the car?" He said as he climbed over the seat. The last question was angry.

"Idk. You're beautiful do you know that? I love you"

"You make me want to fuck you! But I need to know what you're hiding from me, i know you do it sometimes and you haven't said one word about not working and sitting in a car being a door unlocker and you can kill, too"

"I know i can. Its just temporary until i feel better. Your eyes are so beautiful. Lets cuddle"

"Don't make me do this to you. I can't cuddle and you're sick and i know the truth"

"Oh that's okay just put your arm on the back of rhe seat and ill snuggle with you"

"No. I'm being patient with you. Don't look like i just slapped you."

"You did. Not my face but my heart"

"Fine. Lean against me"

"Take your shirt off"

"No I'm not doing that right now, honey"

"Your pants?"

"I would like to say yes but in your condition that's exerting too much pressure on your tonsils"

"What's wrong with T? She hasn't moved since you brought me over here"

"We don't know. Michael is trying to find the answer"

"You just need to shoot her. Here" i reached for the gun on his thigh near his knee

"No!!!!" He snatched it away.

"She won't die! She's not evil"

No way he was like no way

"Babe trust. Look see me. See her? She needs help. She's not like me. She can't move. Whatever hurt her is not her heart. She would have fallen over."

"Let me ask Mike"

"No let me just shoot her"

"You let one alien in the car and you want to kill our friend?!"

"I've let two."

"Oh well! And!" He was losing it.

"She's my cousin!. Trust. I know her. Something that has her is evil. Remember the clothes in the front seat? You shoved them out the door. So her. It must be alien. It must also be evil alien to do that to her. What if there's like a truck to come run her over so they can take her body. Im going to go stand next to her so i can see"

"No baby I'll just ... Ill just try it. But you owe me the truth why you're scared of aliens."

"Did they kill Mike? They killed Mark"

"No he's in a vacant house using the phone takinf9to the alien agency. Are you ready?"

"Yes. Please hurry. Just fire the dam thing already! Ill do it myself!! Ow that's hot"

"I told you I would do it and I did it. Now you owe me the truth"

"i can't im busy"

"You're not doing anything!"

"Im waiting for... She's awake!! Run!! Please hurry!! Hurry!! Let her in!!"

"What's going on!!!!!"

She ran and jumped in. Moments later a big blue worker uhaul type truck plowed into the car.

"The glass didn't shatter this is good. Now we have to kill them. Hurry! No don't get out! Through the window!"

"No one's driving. What if no one is driving? I didn't see anyone-- why is the truck doors opening!!?? No one was anywhere ne--"

I saw them climbing across the hood of the car. To get in. They could just get in. Especially through glass. I started screaming like a toddler. Then yelling "just shoot it!"

"What? Get down!".

Covering my own ears screaming like a toddler, my heart exploding, i sat in the floor board facing the seat. My back against T's seat. Screaming. "Just shoot them! They're every where!! Theres since many!! They're all gonna die!!" I scream like a toddler again.

T is saying over and over to stop screaming.

Alex is losing his mind and fluctuating between adoring and wanting to kill me.

"Just fucking stop it for Jesus sakes!!" He grabs my arm to pull my hand off my ear.

"Are they done? All dead i mean?" I Sat in the seat

"Jesus Christ my babe! Look you screamed so loud you woke the dead, here he comes"

I cover my ears and start screaming again.

"Jesus Christ who woke the kid?".

Alex gets in my face "That's not what i meant!! Okay?!?! Look!! Babe!! Please!! Just look!! Out the window!!"

I grab his hand and cover my eyes and turn to the window

"Jesus Christ. Do you see what she just did!?"

I lift his little finger. Drop it, Thwn his ring but I still can't see so I lift his middle finger and i can see Michael walking towards us

"Really baby?"

"Im not a baby. Im a babe."

"Well you scream like one!" T is excited to see her man "I'm over here!!!!!" She waves to him.

"No don't open the door. Just don't, you don't want her to scream do you?"

"Well how is he supposed to get in?"

"He can get in. He's family. When i scream it feels good"

"Michael is looking at the clothes. She shot me! I'm over here. Her mom told me she would. She said I'm not evil. I'm good and it won't hurt me But protect me."

"Yeah and my mom told me to scream. She said i used to do it when I was little"

"Not to wake the dead"

"Not like we lived next to the cemetery. Besides maybe they think my singing is beautiful and they want to listen more so they come closer and my singing brings them to life because im magical."

T forgot she could move and Michael was sure she was dead. Couldn't figure out how there was skid marks where she was if they had wanted to use her body. Didn't realize she had already moved. Finally she opened her car door and stood. Me yelling did nothing. His jaw dropped. His eyes widened. His head swiveled. He dropped all these papers.a briefcase and ran to the car "oh my honey! I thought you were dead! I was sure of it! I didn't want to go home. Just wait where you died until you returned." He said into her hair all muffled.

"I told you. Love" i say

"Goddamit Youre sexy" she said

"See? All about Love!"

"But how did you get to move? Get to life or whatever did happen?"

"They shot me"

His face went crazy rage "YOU SHOT MY DAM WIFE!?!"

"See?!? I told you! Love!"

"Im gonna fucking kill you!!" He literally threw ber into the door and tried to get to Alex and strangle him

"Or may be not!"

Long story short. She spanked him. He got woke. I went to get the papers he dropped and he abandoned me in the parking lot.

"Yeah what the fuck!" I gathered them up "yeah you're a real stupid ass. Im glad it got hit. I felt pretty bad for you for a minute even though you tried to kill Alex. Now i don't know how i feel. Yeah!! Mad!!!! Leave the abandoned orpahan alone in the parking lot with alien ghosts with a heart condition! 3 massive heart attacks and a really fucking bad one!!! I can have a stroke any minu-- oh my God. I need to calm down im going to die. Im gonna die. Mom i don't know how to breathe I'm gonna choke to death. Mom! Help!! Somebody?!?!" I fell. It was all dramatic and beautiful.

Alex got out of the car that screeched down the street and picked me up "is this what heaven is like?"

"You wish. You've really got some explaining to do"

"This is so romantic! This is so sweet!!" Everything was pink and blue and not the colors they were supposed to be "is the street a river? Is this good?"

Alex walked around to the other side of the car after dropping me off.

"Oh my God!!! Sabrina!! Oh my God! No stop the car! Are you bleeding?! No! You're turning pink! Armageddon wants you back. No don't go we need you to much. Sit baxk. We will pretend we are ina limo"

"STOP THE CAR. YOU'RE DRIVING IT INTO A LAKE! WERE ALL GONNA DIE!! YOU NEED TO GET YOUR PAPERS!! wow the world is changing before my very eyes. GET THE PAPERS! YOU NEED TO CHANGE THE PROPHECY! Get the dang pap--"

"Hes not even in the car"

"Then who wss driving? He was in the seat. The world keeps changing too many colors, the people. I need to eat by the way"

"Sabrina what happened to you by the way? Why did you fall? You were all covered in blood out your nose, eyes. Ears, wrists. Then you turned pink like you lived on Armageddon. And the colors you explain are Armageddon but nothing we saw changed but not on you. Not in the air. Nothing."

"They want me back. They want me back. We will have a meeting tonight. I stayed here?"

"Yes"

"Then all will be fine. Lift up your shirt. No him."

"Why do you Keep telling me to do that?"

"To keep rhythm with your heart. My mom told me that's how she kept me alive. That and with screaming. My dad couldn't do it. That's why they always took me to the bar. That's what she said. She said you could do it for me since Mark isn't here. And just about any Earthling or human as long as it's not Jupiter"

I fell asleep. I woke at the hotel restaurant parking lot

"I'm back!!! I went to Armageddon and they said they're a bunch of douche bag bastards and want to take over the Earth and asked what I thought. I said no. They said they believed it was temporary!!"

Michael turned around. He was an alien. Alex was. Everyone was. I laid back in the seat and started screaming and kicking while they tried to eatmy soul.

[radicalstorytelling]

BLOG POST: A Summer of Poetry

I have been a poet (whatever that means) for the past 2 years. However, I have also been an A-Level student, which means that finding time to write has sometimes required more creativity than doing the actual writing. That all charged at 3.20pm on the 13th of June when I finished my final exam and entered into the longest summer of my life. I was determined not to waste a second of it. That was 5 weeks ago. If you're a concerned friend wondering why you haven't seen me in a while, here is what I've been up to.

1. Writing Spoken Word for #DarwenGetsHangry

#DarwenGetsHangry is a campaign to end UK food poverty, led by a group of young people. You may have seen them on ITV News recently - they're doing very well! My brief was to sit down with some of the campaigners to chat about how food poverty has effected them and then write a spoken word piece, from their perspective, in response. Members of the campaign will perform the piece at the End Hunger UK national conference in October and then will create a poetry-video based upon the piece to use as a tool for campaigning and recruitment. 

This project has been both a challenge and a huge privilege. The sensitive nature of the stories I was helping communicate required me to work closely with the Darwen Gets Hangry campaigners, who blew me away with their bravery and trust. I feel real hope that soon the government will be forced to face up to the issue of UK food poverty, and it was an honour to feature in the history these extraordinary young people are making.

I'll be adding the #DarwenGetsHangry piece to my digital portfolio as soon as I have the go-ahead from the campaigners to do so! 

2. Judging an environment-themed youth poetry competition From one group of youth campaigners to another!

Although school has finished, the Cumbria branch of the School Strikes 4 Climate Movement continues, proving once and for all that we are, in fact, not just lazy skivers... (as the random elderly folk who encounter our protests seem to LOVE informing me). Excitingly, it's making a difference as well! Already this year South Lakeland District Council have declared a climate emergency as a direct response to our February meeting, local media are providing regular coverage, and only last week Lib Dem Cllr Dyan Jones contacted us to arrange a meeting.

Unsurprisingly, poetry has cemented itself at the core of the movement, proving Shelley's assertion that 'poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world'. Inspired in part by the new poet laureate's pledge to use poetry to combat climate change, the organisers at UKSCN Cumbria decided to launch a competition for all school-aged young people throughout Cumbria, with subcategories for each Key Stage. Originally, my role was just supposed to be curating a judging panel, although this somehow has evolved to me being on the panel myself, promoting at it protests, and even appearing on BBC Radio Cumbria!

Overall, the competition has received 365 entries, which isn't bad for a contest arranged by a handful of teenagers without a budget! Winning entries are still to be announced, as the other judges and I are taking our time reading through our allotted poems. With so many negative messages about the future circulating, it's good to know that we can still find hope in the next generation. In the same vein but not completely related - if you do fancy listening to some poetry about climate change, one of mine received international attention earlier this month when it ended up on Extinction Rebellion's digital newsletter! (what witchcraft...) I'm about halfway down, dressed as a penguin. 

3. Helping Organise a Literature Festival

Tidelines Literature Festival is a brand new family-orientated literature festival taking place in Grange over Sands on the 17th and 18th of August, for free. They've got special guests like Kate fox, Katie Hale and Tony Vino, as well as a storm slam, crafts, and open mic, a living library and plenty more. Originally I was only supposed to be hosting the poetry open mic (are we sensing a theme here?) but talking to the organisers, I confess, I may have gotten excited and volunteered to be the volunteer liason, as well as to put together a team of young poets-in-residence, help out with social media, help with promotion and perform an hour long show (more on that later) as well.  Not that I'm complaining. Helping out with this festival has been more fun than I can say, and it hasn't even happened yet! For more information please do check out the Tidelines eventsbrite page. 

4. Writing a full length show! 

By far my most ambitious project this summer has been writing my first full-length show 'Kidz Theez Dayz'. This has been A LOT of work, and I've loved every minute of it (except cutting it down at the end, damn time constrictions!). 'Kidz Theez Dayz' is a (hopefully) powerful and thought-provoking spoken word/theatre piece about what it means to be a political big-mouth teenager in the 21st century. The show deals with everything from school life, the environment, first loves, mental health, powerful friendships and parental pressure, and is very firmly routed in our current political landscape. Does that sound interesting enough? I hope so.  The whole process of planning, writing, editing, revising, designing sound, rehearsing and promoting has, and continues to be, a truly valuable learning curve and one which has allowed me to produce something I'm actually very proud of.

So far, I have 2 performances lined up, one at Tidelines Literature Festival in Grange, Lancashire on the 17th of August, followed the weekend afterwards by Greenbelt Festival in Boughton House, Northamptonshire. If you are interested in coming along but can't make either of those dates, I'll be announcing further performances on twitter, and after that... Fringe 2020?

5. Other things... 

Upon reflection, cramming every poetry-related event, competition or project that I've been a part of so far this summer into this one blog post could be a stretch, so please forgive me for cramming a few into this one section.

One of the greatest privileges I have is being able to go into schools and teach poetry and creative writing, as I did at a primary school in Morecambe last week as part of their 'Wonderfest'. I've also been working with another artist to create a 10-minute piece of street theatre around climate change, set post-apocalypse, that will debut at the Torchlight Carnival in September. Another friend has recruited me to help organise a showcase of talented young artists, in aid of Ovarian Cancer, which we are busy planning and which I will be hosting. I've also finally had the time to start this blog! Hello, by the way.

[ironflowerbluebird]

It remains to survive - a column by Ivan Davydov

Just to check the clock. From random conversations with different people, a picture emerges that makes it possible to understand what is still happening with the country. Not somewhere out there, where great things are happening, but here, inside. Many have similar feelings.  https://medium.com/@com548510/it-remains-to-survive-a-column-by-ivan-davydov-d704e575fbb7

In the early days, everything seemed like a bad dream. I, trying to fall asleep, sincerely hoped that when I woke up, I would return to normal life. Well, yes - life "before", with all its unpleasant features, with repressive laws, with slowly but steadily hardening authoritarianism, began to seem normal. Leaving the entrance, I was waiting for Valdis Pelsh (remember who this is?) to jump out from somewhere with a bouquet of flowers: “You are participating in the Raffle program!”

No, well, it can't really happen. Some kind of madness. Absurd.

However, Valdis Pelsh hesitated, as if deciding to confirm all possible jokes about the Baltic slowness, and I resigned myself. I can't wake up because I'm already awake. This is not a joke, this is now the norm.

The morning begins with reading the reports of the Ministry of Defense of the Russian Federation: so many facilities of the Ukrainian Armed Forces were destroyed by Russian aviation, so many aircraft were shot down, and so on. The combination of impossible words no longer produces the impression of shock. When you read the same news for three weeks, you stop being surprised.

In the evening, in a messenger, acquaintances tell how they managed to smuggle their daughter through Romania from Odessa to Germany, to friends. More recently, a couple of years ago, that is, in a world that now seems fictional and non-existent, they came to visit. The girl was going to become a designer, I took her to Moscow museums. I grew up, this year I entered the university in Kyiv, but I had to leave.

No resentment, no accusations, no shadow of hatred. Everyday conversation about difficult chores. Such a hassle now.

The new reality requires reflection. The word “get used to” is probably inappropriate here. You need to think about how to survive in it. As if a mosaic is crumbling from the wall of knowledge that has long stood: where there were bright spots, now there are voids. I call a friend with whom I need to discuss one small matter. He, keeping the intrigue, begins, in response to a proposal for a meeting, to list the names of drinking establishments unknown to me.

- I don't know any of them? Where is it?

- It's in Yerevan.

I ask a well-known bookseller throughout Moscow, what about sales. Just curious. I don’t even know what answer I’m counting on and what hypotheses I’m going to confirm.

“You know,” he says, “before, sales grew during every crisis. People clutched at the book as if it were a piece of the old world. But this time, sales dropped. Many complain that they simply cannot read.

A separate problem is with professional habits. For example, I have been following Russian politics for many years, trying to understand and describe something. And now, all of a sudden, politics has disappeared, there is nothing to describe, and it's not just about the improvements that the Criminal Code has undergone. Although you don’t forget about it, the prospect of going to jail for a careless word, setting up colleagues, bringing miraculously surviving media under blocking does not warm. But most importantly, the agenda disappeared. An amazing moment, also, perhaps, worthy of recording: events are taking place around the world that are changing the world order (I didn’t say this, it’s Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov, you can trust him), but it’s either impossible to talk about it, or there’s nothing to say. Reports from the Ministry of Defense already diverge in the newspapers, any comment is taboo. The statements and actions of those who embody politics are predictable, that is, uninteresting. Yes, and empty, by and large.

A person who worked in publications that are not built into the propaganda system does not even have space for personal exploits: you don’t run around with a poster “Here you were lied to.” Because you are not being lied to here. Well, at least we tried not to lie. And simply to ruin the work that many have been doing for years, for the sake of the opportunity to show off their civic position, is a dubious feat.

And yet, it is necessary. You have to force yourself. To read. Think. Discussing what has not yet been banned for some reason. Fixing various little things - in fact, the new world order is made up of them too, not only the results of battles or negotiations are important. And even the unfortunate Russian media is worth trying to save. They might come in handy later on for something.

By the way, on Thursday in the Moscow club "Club" - a discussion. " Untraveled: Strategies for Independent Media Survival in a New Era ". Come, let's talk. Oh - and in another week there will be a good reason to argue about the absurdity. Watch for announcements.

[lanx-reads]

DNF Review: Throne of Glass

Final Rating: */***** or 2/10

After serving out a year of hard labor in the salt mines of Endovier for her crimes, 18-year-old assassin Celaena Sardothien is dragged before the Crown Prince. Prince Dorian offers her her freedom on one condition: she must act as his champion in a competition to find a new royal assassin.

Her opponents are men-thieves and assassins and warriors from across the empire, each sponsored by a member of the king's council. If she beats her opponents in a series of eliminations, she'll serve the kingdom for four years and then be granted her freedom. Celaena finds her training sessions with the captain of the guard, Westfall, challenging and exhilarating. But she's bored stiff by court life. Things get a little more interesting when the prince starts to show interest in her ... but it's the gruff Captain Westfall who seems to understand her best.

Then one of the other contestants turns up dead ... quickly followed by another. Can Celaena figure out who the killer is before she becomes a victim? As the young assassin investigates, her search leads her to discover a greater destiny than she could possibly have imagined.

Throne of Glass isn’t the worst book I’ve ever read, but it certainly was one of the most infuriating, which is why I was only able to read about 50% of it.

Since I didn’t finish it, I am only going to review the issues and things I disliked within the first half I read of it. 

I also wanna note that I did read spoilers for the ending to confirm some thoughts I had and will be touching upon those. 

Since this is my first DNF Review, I am gonna discuss why I picked up this book in the first place, the writing style (which is something that, for the most part, doesn’t really change from beginning to end), the premise (rather than the plot since I didn’t finish the book), the things I liked about the book, what I disliked about this book, and finally why I put it down. 

Why I Picked Throne of Glass Up

So. A year or two ago I wanted to get back into reading. Due to a lot of issues and things in my personal life, I completely stopped reading for pleasure during my Sophomore year of high school, which meant I had stopped reading for... about 4 years? Which made me really upset as I had always been an avid reader! And since I was getting really passionate about writing, I figured I should get back into reading.

So I made a post on tumblr asking what YA books people recommended. I had been reading YA when I stopped reading (well... a mix of YA and MG, but mainly YA) so I figured that’d be the best place to start. 

Numerous people recommended me different things, but one anon recced Throne of Glass to me. It was a fantasy (a genre I mentioned liking in my post) and they told me that though they hadn’t read it themselves, they had a friend who adored the series and that it was really popular so it was probably pretty good. 

The. Really popular bit made me nervous, but nevertheless, I went onto Amazon. Bless me, actually, because I decided I’d try and read the little promo Amazon gives you before buying it.

I DNF’d it after half a page. I had never DNF’d a book so fast and so hard. The first time, what made me DNF this book was Celaena complaining about her looks while being in a prison. Like... girl...... priorities.... 

Months later, I started seeing people talking about this book a little as I got back into reading. Getting curious, I read some reviews, both bad and good, and decided to give this book another shot.

It was as bad as I thought it would be, if not worse. 

The Premise (What was this?)

Honestly, I still don’t really know what I read. What even is Throne of Glass? What is life, in fact? What is the universe? I don’t know, but I feel like I’d figure out the latter two questions before I figured out the first. 

So. The premise, or basic story idea of ToG is basically... Cinderella... mixed with Assassin’s Creed... mixed with the Hunger Games.... I dunno about anyone else but when people describe a piece of media to me as a mix of two or more random-ass things, I start getting nervous.

But honestly I have no idea how else to describe Throne of Glass. I couldn’t tell what this book wanted to be! And that was really what fucked me up. It wanted to be a big epic fantasy. It wanted to be a mystery. It wanted to be about girls in pretty dresses kissing pretty boys and having to choose between them. It wanted a princess aesthetic but with a character that has to be nasty to be an assassin. ToG, to me, is a long book of wants that didn’t deliver. 

But said that, nothing was as poorly thought out as the plot. The plot is what confused me most, ground me to a halt, and said, “wait, what?”

Okay, the plot is basically Celaena joining this competition to win her freedom to become the king’s champion. Only issue is... a king’s champion is a real thing. And is something for mainly knights if I recall.

Back in the olden days of yore, when kings needed to fight against one another, or if someone wanted to challenge the king to a duel, they would have a champion to fight in their stead. If you’re a king, you don’t wanna fight your own duels, that’d be nuts! What if you died?! Then what would happen to your kingdom? That’s what a champion was for. 

The champion is basically chosen/hired by the king. The thing is, what Celaena is... describing is well. Not a champion. Not really. I mean... I guess it’s kinda champion-like? It’s really vague in the book and it boils down to “you do dirty work for the king” so basically a hitman?

Thing is... the king is a king... why doesn’t he just hire an assassin? One who hasn’t been caught (looking at you, Celaena!). I mean, in the long run, that would be a lot cheaper than hosting a giant competition with a bunch of criminals who aren’t loyal to you, who will turn on you at any moment, and can’t be trusted? I mean, just ‘cause he has them swear to be loyal to him don’t mean jack shit, c’mon. 

The entire plot of this novel falls directly apart as soon as you know what a king’s champion is! And honestly, the fix to this would be so easy. You could still have the competition, but instead make it between knights or wannabe knights or something. Have Celaena be a knight instead. She acts like it anyways; being all brash all the time and desiring the center of attention 24/7. Or if you really want her to be an assassin, fix her fugly personality and have her be an assassin pretending to be a knight.

And the king being “”crazy”” isn’t an excuse. Using crazy as an excuse is... one kinda insulting and gross and two, lazy. It means nothing and is a cop out at this point. Also, he did nothing in this book to seem crazy to me, really. He’s an asshole and abuses his kid but... besides that he’s basically nothing. He’s an evil king. He doesn’t even have an actual name. That’s how bland he is. There was no thought put into him at all. And again, this too could have had an easy fix. Rather than saying he’s crazy to excuse his nonsensical actions, all that had to be said was: he and his court want entertainment. That’s it. That would have given the competition the perfect excuse to exist in the first place. Sure, it’s not the most interesting of reasons or anything, but it’s better than the book being completely silent of why there’s a competition in the first place. Why does a king need a competition? Why between criminals who will stab him in the back? It’s never explained and it’s dumb. 

God. There are SO many ways where ToG could’ve been better. Just. Better in general. There is so much lost potential here with the plot, which is where half my frustrations come from. 

So. The premise falls apart after thinking about it for over .2 seconds. The second part of the actual plot of the novel (well, at least what’s described on the back of the book, not what I actually got) is a mystery. But... this mystery is really cliche. Someone taking out the competition. Wow. Never seen that before. 

Also, I did spoil myself the ending to see if my guess of who it was was correct and welp. Winner winner, chicken dinner! It was indeed Cain. As soon as he swaggered on stage, and the narration hated him, and Celaena hated AND was a lil racist towards him, I knew it was him. His detailed magic ring and the fact he kept getting bigger apparently every time we saw him also clued us in. There was less foreshadowing in this book and more “beating you over the head with a Cain.”

Also, none of the other members of the competition really got... anything? Most were unnamed or Celaena dismissed them right away. Why even have these characters in the book if they aren’t even gonna be named? I get it’s a big cast, but still. Hunger Games was able to do the bare minimum of this, I mean at least all the tributes had names. Big casts are hard to write, so why not shrink it down a little? It won’t affect the story, in any case. 

So instead of a cool mystery and badass competition, the premise of the competition fell apart, was mainly summarized and not seen from what I read, and in general the tasks were boring. No real fighting, nothing with a lot of tension or excitement. Just boredom. The mystery wasn’t even lukewarm. It was ice cold. I don’t even really know what the pages were filled up with... random bantering that told us nothing more about the characters than we already did. Celaena not knowing what guy to choose. Her wearing pretty dresses. Her reading and playing the piano. Her shittalking about girls with this other chick. Just. the most random stuff. It was fluff. Which is fine. I like fluff! I like pretty dresses and romance and all that!! But not in a book that promised me a MURDER MYSTERY and ACTION. 

Maybe the action would’ve picked up if I kept reading. But something tells me... not so much. If excitement doesn’t happen before the rough halfway point of your book, something is wrong. At least, to me it is. 

The Writing

A lot of people thought the writing was pretty it seemed. Numerous negative reviews praised the writing. I admit, there were some pretty quotes in there. But most of it was clunky and reminded me of Eragon (not good) or just. Laundry list. I can’t pull up the quote right now, I don’t have the book, but I remember when the library was shown to us, the narration just listed everything inside in a sentence with commas. The same was done in the king’s chamber besides a little extra detail on the fireplace. None of the descriptions of the settings were any good.... and neither were the pretty dresses! It was just “this dress is cut bad” “the fabric is ugly and feels bad” and such. What was the fabric made out of? What cut was the dress? There were so many little things like this that bothered me throughout the writing. 

Lots of filler paragraphs that led to nothing were everywhere too. Sentences that danced around world building were common too. Again, don’t have the book, but at one point Chaol and Celaena were discussing books they liked and instead of name dropping some titles, giving us an idea of what sort of books these two like to read, it was just “Chaol listed some titles to Celaena. Celaena nodded approvingly” or something like that. Lazy. Boring. Pointless. Filler. 

There was so much filler writing in this. And so much... passive writing. Especially when Celaena was traveling to the castle and beyond. “Celaena felt” was used so often that I nearly started counting how many sentences began with that. Sometimes, yes, telling is alright. But SHOW us how she feels! Don’t tell us she finds the castle breathtaking but daunting or whatever! Show us! What’s her expression look like? Her body language? What is she thinking?  The moment she saw the castle was supposed to be powerful and tense but it wasn’t because the writing was passive when it shouldn’t have been. Passive writing isn’t the worst thing ever, but where the writing would’ve benefited from being active, it was passive instead, which also made the book a kinda bland read on a technical level. The writing stayed the same throughout. Sentence length wasn’t played around with much, sentence type didn’t change much. The only stand-out pieces were mainly dialogue.  

I like active writing. I like an active writing style. Throne of Glass was passive. And you know what? I get it. I write in third person too. It’s hard.

But writing is hard. Publishing is even harder. This is a published book and I expected better, especially with how popular it is. 

And yes, this is a debut novel. I kept telling myself that when I was reading this. But... I’ve read better debuts. I’ve read better fanfictions online. This is a New York Times best seller and a favorite of many. It should’ve been better.

The (little) Things I Liked

Gonna bullet point all this, hope none of you guys mind~

Celaena being feminine and proud of it. Haven’t really read a character like this yet and as someone who is writing several proud feminine characters, it was nice to see

Chaol. Just him in general. Best character and I loved him. 

SOME of the banter was pretty fun.

That one scene with Celaena working out in her room was A Good TM

Some of the one-liner descriptions were pretty good and I enjoyed them. 

I actually liked some of the traveling bits in the beginning. I thought it would skip straight to the castle but we got to savor a little in the journey there. It was nice (tho it went on too long and got annoying and boring to read)

The (many) Things I Disliked

A longer bullet point list, hope you all are ready! I’ll try and go in a somewhat chronological order

The plot made no fucking sense

Dorian. The only Dorian in my heart is Dorian Pavus and also he was so one-note that I almost cried. 

The world building? The little world building that was like. Actually present was so bland... it read like Typical Fantasy. Listen. If I wanted Typical Fantasy I’d go play one of the many re-releases of Skyrim, okay?? 

Celaena was just unlikeable and her entire character was contradictory. She acted more like a mercenary for hire or a thug than an assassin. Assassins wouldn’t wanna be in the center of attention, people!

Also Celaena acted really dumb in parts and it made me cringe. 

Chaol as the captain of the guard made no sense. He’s too young!

In fact, Celaena as the best assassin made no sense. She is also too young. Also, if she got captured and is KNOWN, she is hardly the best. The point of being an assassin is...... being unknown... c’mon..... 

The tests. The back of the book made them sound really cool but they were just? Running around a track? Some softcore parkour? The archery contest actually made sense I guess but it would’ve been cooler if they were hitting like. Actual moving targets rather than just. Bulls-eyes. 

Also most the tests were just kinda brushed over? At least The Hunger Games was....  well most the book took place DURING the Hunger Games so like. 

The king had no fucking name what the shit who doesn’t name their fucking VILLAIN?!

Cain. Like. He was so stereotypical. I looked up to see if he would end up as the villain at the end and I was right, how disappointing. Also, naming your villain Cain is like.... idk... literally is there a single protagonist named Cain? Genuine question 

The girl hate. Like, I get that girls are people and not all girls are gonna get along or anything but like. There were throwaway lines that just made me roll my eyes and scrunch up my nose.

THE FUCKING GLASS CASTLE MADE ME SO MAD OH MY GOD WHY WAS IT THERE. And if the castle looks the exact same on the inside in the glass part as the stone part, what’s the point then? How is this nation, which is at war, have a glass castle? That thing is gonna shatter. How did they make it? Why did the king make it? The most we get is the implication is that he’s crazy but that’s.... gross for one and two, lazy. You know what would’ve been cool tho? If the king was just a zealot who worshipped his human gods to the point where he wanted them to always see his victories and be able to see him wherever he went, so he created the glass portions of the castle so he could be seen by his gods the entire time. I thought of that idea in the span of 10 seconds. Sigh. 

AND I AM STILL ON THE GLASS CASTLE SHIT listen. If this was a whimsical fantasy and everyone went with it, I wouldn’t have SUCH a huge problem with it, tho it would still be kinda dumb (mattering on context...) but legit. Having your characters point it out doesn’t make them look smart, it makes the author look silly. “It’s a dumb idea, I know it’s a dumb idea, but I am going to write it anyways. For The Aesthetic” listen. We’re past the age of aestheticism. Let’s get our heads outta the 1800s, k?

Honestly there were descriptions but I couldn’t ever get a good image on what was going on, which is weird. All the descriptions were for like. More finer details? But the overall look of the entire world was just blank in my mind. I dunno how else to explain it.

So. Much. Filler. Celaena! Get outta your room and let us explore some! I can sit alone in my room myself irl, I don’t wanna read some chick do the same!

Same with the book shit. Like we could’ve gotten some amazing world building just based on the books Celaena read but whatever that was brushed over too??

Honestly a lot of reading ToG was like reading a textbook where words go through my eyes and their meaning seeps from my ears and I find myself 20 pages in but no idea how I got there and don’t remember a single word of what I read. 

The writing style for the fighting. When you write fight scenes or tense scenes, you want your writing to become choppier usually and sharp. It changes the mood and tone of the scene. The author just used the same flowing prose she had for the rest of the book, which was kinda dull. 

I wish we had seen the murders. I mean, the book is in third person and does switch POV at times! I wanna read some good blood, guts, n gore!

L O V E  T R I A N G L E  O F  H E L L 

I thought Celaena was supposed to be sickly?? But like after a few chapters in the book that’s like, forgotten, besides her throwing up after running? Why only after running? Why doesn’t she worry about this or her health much? Seriously her physiology makes no sense. 

Celaena’s mental health is also questionable. She’s completely fine after being tortured for a year and in a death camp and only has bad nightmares every once in a while?? That ain’t how PTSD works. Seriously what was going on in her head? What was the author trying to portray? You don’t do this shit half-assed. Either throw yourself into the research or go the Harry Potter route. 

There is one character who is fat and he is ofc, a terrible person (I am talking about Dorian’s younger brother, ofc. Sigh. And yikes)

Celaena sometimes talked and acted like she was younger than what she actually was?? I think being childish was supposed to be part of her personality but it doesn’t mesh with her being an assassin. Unless she was doing it on purpose as an act. But she obv wasn’t so......

Yulemas. Honestly, I put the book down around when it was mentioned. It’s a dumb name and I can imagine what sort of celebration it is. 

The timing and pacing of this book is weird. The king needs to learn what an itinerary is. I think it’d help him out. 

 Why I Put Throne of Glass Down

Mainly for two reasons: one I had just bought some books at the library and wanted to read those instead. I just wanted to read a good book again. The second reason is just as simple: I was incredibly bored. 

There was just so much filler for me. Characters talking about random stuff, walking around, trying to figure out a mystery I figured out as soon as the first murder actually happened. It was all so boring to me. 

And then... Celaena started suspecting Nehemia. Her only friend in the castle.

I dunno why that did it in for me. I think it’s because I didn’t wanna sit through at the very least 50 pages of one of the poorest red herrings I have ever stumbled across. I can (somewhat) deal with a book that promised me action and gave me bad romance with pretty girls and boys. I’ll complain a lot, give it a bad rating most likely, but I can finish books like those. What I can’t deal with is a clear waste of my fucking time. At that point, I was already 99.99% sure Cain was the bad guy. I was already tired of Celaena in general since she is such an unpleasant character for me to read. I did not wanna sit through a plot point that just insulted my intelligence and made the book all the more longer than it has to be. I have no idea how someone can make a book this bland and boring so long. I honestly cannot understand how I got pretty much 50% of the way in, and feel like I have moved nowhere when it comes to the characters and the plot. I don’t know how I could be pretty much halfway through this book and feel like not a SINGLE action scene has happened. (Yes, I know there have been actions scenes, but I didn’t like them or the way they were written. They weren’t exciting for me.)

All this realization just kinda came crashing down on me with Celaena suspecting Nehemia. And I was quite done with all of it.

Maybe the book would’ve picked up. Maybe the entire premise, story, characters, and writing style could’ve changed in a single page flip. But I seriously doubt that. 

I’m tired of wasting my time with books I am not enjoying. If I’m gonna read a bad book, I at the very least want it to be entertaining.

And Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas wasn’t even that. 

[midnight-moods]

the last few days were a bit rough and when my mom noticed, she came to me and gave myself a little face massage. i thought she was the cutest, kindest and modest person on earth, and yes i still think she is. but while massaging my face she started to complain, asked me tons of questions i didnt want to hear and just made me more stressed that i already was. and then i politely asked her to say nothing for a while, because i really couldnt and didnt want to speak or even listen. she was mad at me because she had the feeling that i never genuinely want to speak with her, that i never call her, that i never enjoy spending time with her. and then i realized, that she wasnt even wrong about it. and then i suddenly started to cry. with my face in her hands. she apologized, and i was crying even more. not only because it was breaking my heart to realize that, but because i couldnt hold my tears back and let my mom to see her beloved daughter cry in front of her. what a heartbreaking moment for every mother of this universe, making your very child cry. i couldnt even stop because i had to imagine how it must feel like to see your daughter cry with her face in your hands. she apologized, and told me to stay strong. she told me with a proud voice that she raised a very strong young woman. i felt so weak, and then i started to question everything in my life within from minutes. it started from: why cant i show people my worry, how much i care, to: why am i so sensitive and weak (german: charakterschwach). why does everybody has to be strong? maybe that something about me that just makes me me. i know this world in where we live is not unicorns dancing on rainbows or love, freedom and peace. you're supposed to be strong in this world if you want to survive.. thats what people say all the time while pushing kindness and charity in the background. for some reason i saw my life before me, in the minute i was crying, thinking about what i did and how i treated other people, what im doing with my future now and how much i changed. i mean we are changing all the time. nothing defines you, no one can, not even you. there's no definition of you. i always believed in stars but thats actually the biggest crap. you are defined by nothing, which we come to chapter II: comparison and social media.  i am so god damn guilty of this. i used to be a person who didnt even want to have a smartphone for a while and yet, i was an instagram user few months ago. you probably already know what i am going to talk about, all these posts where you show people that you got an incredible life without even enjoying it or having more followers than the other one and so on and on, that good old stuff that you already know anyways. actually im not only blaming social media, its just a very big influence of comparison. because we do it all the time, what makes she/he so much better than me? why is she prettier or smarter than me? why cant i be this person etc. in fact i am a very confident person but even then, i subconsciously compare myself with others especially with other people from the same nation, like dont get me wrong but i always used to be the "cool asian" and then i met so many other cool asians, and i felt less special. but i have learned that no matter how gorgeous they are, it wont make you less valuable. we sometimes forget that every human being is unique and nobody can ever be you. even if you was replaced by someone else, this someone will never be you. also about the comparison thing i noticed is all the materialism that people crave so much. and again, im guilty of this too. which we come now to chapter III: partying/clubbing and not missing anything. all the people i see on the street with their rolex watches and nike track suits. who is more aesthetic today? who looks richer? who has more to brag? because clothes make the man (german: Kleider machen Leute). and of course it does reveal something about you because most of the time you wear something you like, but we should stop reducing people by their clothes (guilty again!). especially when you want to get in a club and the bouncer wont let you in because of your appearance. so i've been to lots of clubs and homepartys by now and let me say: it made me and my best friend more than empty than anything else (we didnt even do drugs). ironically we used all these events to fill ourselves with joy since we didnt want to miss something, and want to have some fun and stories to tell - but also, because we love to dance and spend time with friends. but weekend after weekend, it just made us sadder and sadder. it was a combination of all three chapters, the: making people who cares about you worry and feeling guilty because you're not the daughter your parents deserve, the: social media and comparison because everybody try to flex on their social media accounts and making people more worth because of their followers (just like making celebrities more valuable than other people) and last but not least the: materialism and not missing any event because life is short and you have to make more experiences as fast as you can, and this is one of the reason why young people get grown up so fast, why 12 y/o people are not how they are 10 years ago. how every adolescent wants to be old because no one takes them serious, because people tell you to have a good career, a nice car and your own family to be happy. that is the final goal they say. that is one of the reasons why people want to find their significant other as soon as possible through dating apps or else where. of course, there is almost nothing thats like before because of the new generation of technology but that is a different topic i could write hours about - odds are, im very thankful my mom made me cry, it made us closer somehow, and it was giving me this flash of thoughts that i always suppressed. i mean i all knew these things before but it made me realize that i want to change something. it made me realize that it was another helpful lesson for me, that i need to move on but with this piece of wisdom in the background. sometimes i forget that parents are just like you and me too. that they just want the best for you. that they get hurt and cry too. take time for your family. seriously.  thanks to my mom who is always there for me. the strongest human being in this entire universe. raised while living by one of the most known wars. saw many people dying including her young brother, going through depression, trust issues and living with insomnia for years and yet, she smiles everyday. for me. for dad. for everyone.

i love you mom 

[hetmusic]

Interview | Weirdo | HumanHuman

When Going Solo first added the name WEIRDO to HumanHuman three months ago, with the teasing comment “we got a hint here… music coming soon”, it’s safe to say we were nothing short of intrigued. The anticipation paid off when the anonymous artist released debut track “Butter” - an upbeat euro-pop single built on imaginative instrumentation and seriously catchy lyrics. Within a few days of WEIRDO’s musical premiere, this faceless act was labelled as a Promising Artist by our community of tastemakers.

Over the past few months, a few choice pieces of information have come to light. WEIRDO is the solo project of a British artist who has relocated to the creative hub of Berlin from Brighton, and excitingly there’s an EP on the way. However, the rest of the mystery remains in tact… at least for now. With a new track on our hands, the delightfully honest and danceable “Armanio”, we want to find out more about the musician behind the moniker, what inspires his songs, and how we can all embrace life’s weirdness.

Let’s start with a rather obvious question, why the name WEIRDO?

Haha, this old chestnut. Well, I think I’ve began to embrace my craziness and stop trying to label my issues negatively. Weird people rock. I’d hate to be a conveyor belt child doing manufactured things… and trust me, there are plenty of them! I think after a while of fighting that I should be "normal and controlled", it’s now time for me to accept and understand myself a little more, both personally and musically. I am a flipping WEIRDO, there’s no doubt about it and the best thing is that accepting it excels my creativity.

“I am a flipping WEIRDO, there’s no doubt about it and the best thing is that accepting it excels my creativity.”

Your identity is currently hidden, much to the outcry of the blogosphere, but why do you think artists follow the anonymous route?

I think it depends maybe… the reason I am anonymous is because I’m a part of a reasonably popular “buzz band” and I don’t want people to draw lines between the two. There is nothing worst than that! The issue in this music industry is people don’t give second chances and people always relate someone to something. If Corey Taylor from Slipknot did a minimal tech album now, people would laugh, make fun, put down or insult his creativity - why? because he wore a mask for a few years in his most-popular venture. Then you get people like James Bay whose first shot at a career very luckily paid off and people will never judge him as it’s his debut project, and he most likely will never change his brand. It’s so superficial this industry, and so anonymity is simply so that people understand the musical vision I have, before they go ahead, judge and give me a 0.4 /10 on Pitchfork or something...

I guess the online world plays a huge part in the mystery, how else do you think digitalisation is affecting the music industry?

The online world plays a huge part for sure. I can use emoticons to talk to someone and imitate happiness, sadness, anger or confusion… and that’s just a small fucking yellow image I add within my text conversations I’m having on a daily basis with anyone, everyone. The psychology of modern vocabulary and the use of emoticons is proof that you can hide or butter up (see what I did there!) anything. So online, you can create a fantasy world that people might indulge in, or show interest in. That really scares and inspires me simultaneously, and I think the digitalisation is actually improving yet sometimes creating a false identity for the music industry and it’s ever-growing young creatives. I just hope in the future, behaviour specialists or psychologists don’t actually take over the industry because they are smart and know how to win over modern society by creating false illusions using manipulative strategies. That’s basically the way news and media in the 21st century is heading already!

“It’s an intelligent pop affair, made of multicolor shades ranging from sticky vocals to euphoric synths, passing through live drums and finely adorned by swirling kalimba scales.”— Going Solo on “Butter”

Moving on to your music and especially debut track “Butter”. It’s a super catchy single, throwing out a xylophone melody, a German vocal sample and (what I’m guessing is) a recorder riff. Was this level of playfulness your initial intention?

Haha a recorder riff?! Where’s that? I will actually make sure there’s a recorder in one of the next songs on the second EP - that’s a promise from me to you. I think there’s irony and sarcasm in some of my lyrics and productions. With Butter, which I initially wrote in 2010 after a horrific break-up, the original demo was quite dark and edgy. I think as I’ve moved on and my life has changed, it’s become more of an uplifting song; a tale of how I once loved but now don’t with said person. I think that’s where the playful elements come from - the joy of being free and confident in myself again.

“I think that’s where the playful elements come from - the joy of being free and confident in myself again.”

“Butter” also has a rather unique refrain - “like butter melting through my fingers all you do is dirty my clothes” - what inspired that lyric?

At the time, it was anger and disappointment. It’s a rather cool attempt at making a statement, and I like creating unusual metaphors within my work. I think everyone can relate to an ex, or a friend, or a family member who just seems to get in the way, stop you from growing, control you or upset you. I like to try and relate to people with lyrics.

I loved the original video based around a Snapchat story and text messages. Was that simply a fun concept or is there an additional commentary on mobile phone culture and modern relationships?

There is definitely a suggestion to the social media culture and modern relationships and the irony of them. I’m a hopeless old-fashion romantic; I want to go for dinner and talk about music and wine, dream of waking up in the Bahamas and imagine a day I would begin to go to dance classes or something very new to me. I want to see the world through my eyes, not society’s eyes, and definitely not through the lens of my mobile phone camera. I can’t really stand social media because it’s taken away my privacy in all honesty, and that’s something we lack in today’s world, but also it’s helped share and expand my music and audience, so who am I to complain? I do daydream of going off grid and never talking to anyone again unless in person - that’s a healthy and satisfying thought for me.

In a previous interview with BEAT Magazine, you mentioned that you once lived in Brighton, a place well-known for self-expression. Did your time there have an influence on your music?

My time there definitely taught me that not everything you think is perfect, is perfect. It’s a wonderful city but musically, holds restraints. Rock cultured (thanks to the mods and rockers thing in the 60/70s), a student town and very small. Being there at that time helped my musical journey for sure - it started it. I’m happy I had the chance to work with and meet who I met there, but I’m glad that I moved on. It’s the same as London for me, a lovely place but it had it’s place in my life and after growing out of it quickly, I had to move on.

If you could live and create music anywhere in the world, where would that be?

Man! I want to see the whole world. If I could do one album per continent, that would be amazing. I think I’d definitely find opposing ideas from living in different places with adverse social rules to what I know as a Westernised working class fella. Let’s go to Tokyo next and after that, lock myself on a small island in Indonesia. I’ll try the US at some point but worried I’ll get fat very easily (I love food!) Visiting Africa would be really rewarding for me too, I’m sure!

What else has been instrumental in your creative process?

The standard thing: seeing other people succeed when you feel you deserve it more, watching people fail you and hurt you, other people’s situations you can relate to because of prior experiences and emotions. Also, the coming of age thing. I’m now mid-twenties and the feeling of realising who you are in such a large, selfish world can help you repair yourself, focus in on yourself and the ones around you that you care about most, and really getting creative with those discoveries.

We were very recently treated to a second single “Armanio”, crammed with one-liners and a repeated suggestion that the addressee should ditch her boyfriend. Why do not-so-great relationships stand at the centre of your songs?

I’ve had plenty of them. I have Borderline Personality Disorder (adds to the weirdness!) and I have a self-destructive tendency and waves of recklessness from time to time. I’ve got a heart but I can be trouble too, although I’ve learnt to grow and be in control of the bad traits now! I’ve been in a pretty content place for a few years, I’m starting to analyse others more and writing about their coming of age, mistakes and things I can see I used to do myself. It’s a beautiful thing to see people that are going through the same things as you. It’s helps deflate your ego and come back down to earth.

As with the last release, “Armanio” is tagged as pop, although some would suggest there’s plenty of other elements in there. What are your thoughts on genre labels?

Pop stands for “popular music” and if you asked me what genre I believe my music is, I’d title it Pop, more so because I dream of it being popular - who doesn’t?! I want everyone to know my story. I’m a human after all! We all want to be successful on our pursuit for happiness. I think you could tag the music as homemade, as it pretty much is. Indie, for sure, I’m independent right now but again, that title I don’t really enjoy too much. If I get a life changing opportunity and the label in question isn’t an “indie” label, then I’ll be told that I’m a fraud or fake for not sticking with my preconceived idea of being an “indie” band. If I turn down something, I could miss my chance to actually travel the world! I’m just gonna go with my heart: can’t have the media singing my own song “Armanio” at me!

“Up-beat, joyful pop that aims for the fun instead of the glitter and glamour of glossy pop.”— Disco Naivete on “Armanio”

Does the multi-coloured artwork have any relation to your sound?

Not at all, but once I entered the music industry and realised how it actually works beyond your fabricated fantasies of champagne, cocaine and happiness, I began to wear dark colours. The colourful thing shows I’ve got a playful side and now that I’m older, I want to show it off, feel happy and seem happy, and do things differently around here. It’s easy to be sad, feel sorry for yourself and write a ballad - that’s secondhand nature to me - but writing upbeat songs is much more challenging to me. I bloody enjoy it right now!

Can we expect some more visuals in the future?

For sure. I’m collaborating with some directors in the US, and some other guys too and videos are on their way for future tracks.

How about new music? Can you give us a clue as to what the next WEIRDO song will sound like?

Once again, the sound will alter, change, grow and surprise. If it didn’t, it wouldn’t be weird enough to comprehend my creative process. Every song will tie together because it’s my vocals, or I’ll use the same “sound palette” as before, but it will grow. It’s all based around how I envision it live, which will be the strong point of this whole thing. The band, the live experience, the fun I can take in the tour bus with me. That’s all I’m looking forward to right now - my future holiday on the road, sleepless nights and so many different lights.

https://humanhuman.com/articles/interview-weirdo

[foundcarcosa]

cciv.

1. Predict what your life will look like a year from now. >> I doubt there will be much different about my life in August of 2018. Sparrow will undoubtedly have settled into a more permanent place of employment, so our quality of life may have shifted (in the financial sense), hopefully for the better. We’ll probably still be living here, so no major changes to my worldstate are predicted. Anything else, I can’t possibly predict with any confidence.

2. What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given? >> All compliments are good compliments.

3. What makes someone a best friend? >> I don’t have an answer for that. It varies from person to person, anyway. I get soulmate and best friend and life partner and the rest of those superlative hierarchical terms all confused, to be honest. --In which case, Can Calah fits all of them by default.

4. Are you young at heart, or an old soul? >> I have always existed in a state of temporal liminality, making all age-related terms erroneous.

5. How is your blog a reflection of yourself? What do you think people assume or know about you by looking at your blog? >> It’s a reflection of myself because I strictly curate things that appeal to me personally. I have dedicated this space to myself, to the expression of the innumerable facets of my being and their intersections, and it has performed ably in that capacity. And it’s funny you should ask that, because about an hour ago someone I know informed me that they tried to give someone they know a description of my blog and this is what they came up with: “I honestly don't fucking know,  they either are God (tm) or wanna fuck God(tm) and probably would foursome The Diety of their choosing, Idris and Matthew Macone-whatever in the Matrix just for the aesthetic and the #thirst tag.” So I imagine that’s largely the impression I give.

6. Make a five song playlist that sums you up as a person. >> Death is the Road to Awe, Clint Mansell (from the soundtrack to The Fountain); Gethsemane, Vanden Plas (a cover of the Jesus Christ Superstar song); Starboy, The Weeknd; Break On Through (To the Other Side), The Doors; Blazing Star, Dethklok. There are a lot of songs that could contribute to a comprehensive profile of me as an [infinite singularity of] individual[s], considering I’ve been looking for myself in songs since I knew how to look, but you asked for five, so.

7. Do you have a Facebook? >> Yes. You’re welcome to add me on it. It’s largely stupid memes and me complaining about the most random shit.

8. What’s the most annoying thing about the person you like? >> Which one? (What kind of ‘like’? Be more specific.)

9. You ordered pizza last night, and have been looking forward to eating the leftovers all day. You go home and the box is still in the fridge, but someone has eaten all of it and it’s empty. What do you do? >> That’s impossible. First of all, Sparrow doesn’t even like the same kind of pizza I do. Second of all, she’s scatterbrained all right, but I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she wouldn’t leave an entire empty pizza box in our small-ass fridge. Try again.

10. What’s an inanimate object in your house that holds significance for you, and why do you find it so significant? >> The empty bottle of Baron Samedi Rum that sits on my desk holds significance for me (obviously, seeing as I never keep things that have no clear purpose, like empty liquor bottles). I bought it in New Orleans and it reminds me of O’Dim. It is perfect. (I’ll get rid of it when we finally move. After all, I won’t need these fragile pieces of home once I’m actually there.)

11. How do you look right now? >> Like a snack. (How am I supposed to answer this???)

12. What is one of your bad habits? >> Drinking, I suppose.

13. What were you doing at eleven last night? >> I think I was on tumblr, or some other part of the internet.

14. Are you sure that you were born in the right era? >> Does it matter?

15. You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him. >> He’s married to Sparrow’s sister, he studied film, he likes sour beer, and he used to be a skater. I don’t know much about him personally, it’s mostly just factoids that don’t knit together into a full picture very well.

16. You’ve got the TV on, but you’re not really watching. What channel is the TV on? >> I don’t do that. Sparrow is more likely to do that, and it’d probably be some HGTV show on Hulu.

17. What’s an inside joke you share with your friends? >> The first thing that popped into my head was #sunfuckers incorporated, honestly.

18. Name a song that never fails to make you happy. >> No song is 100% successful at that, obviously, but Blood Red Summer by Coheed and Cambria has a strong track record. Very bright, very vibrant, probably about something either horrific or sad (deceptively fun-sounding songs about interstellar war and sundered family dynamics and lost/broken love -- all amindst vague cosmic horror -- is kind of their thing, after all).

19. If you had to diagnose yourself with any mental illness, which would it be? >> ASD is my self-diagnosis.

20. Would you like to reconnect with any friends that you’ve lost contact with? >> I wouldn’t be opposed to it.

21. Name at least three things you could stand to cut out of your life. >> Whatever it is, I probably won’t be cutting it out of my life any time soon, so there’s no point in even pretending otherwise.

22. What is “normal”? Are you normal? >> I assume that the most practical working definition for ‘normal’ is ‘consistently compatible and compliant with the beliefs, morals, and behaviour systems of one’s society’ -- if so, I feign ‘normal’ with varying success. Mostly I am content with being a quiet but adamant outlier.

23. Biggest turn ons? >> Expansive and adaptable consciousness. Abnormally high levels of curiosity and mirth. At least two (2) tentacular appendages.

24. Do you practice what you preach? >> What I preach is usually integral to my being, so I can’t help but practice it. What I parrot is often a different story. (Parroting, I’ve found, is useful in the successful maintenance of a person suit. I don’t parrot much here, so don’t worry. It’s mostly for the benefit of people less fortunate in the cognition and analysis department who unfortunately have the ability to make my outlier life difficult.)

25. Would you prefer to live in a city, the suburbs, the countryside, or the mountains? >> I’d prefer to live in the Garden District of New Orleans.

26. Give me the story of your life in six words. >> It is without beginning or end.

27. Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends? >> I will always choose to be alone doing something I enjoy. Additionally, anyone who considers themselves a friend of mine would prefer I not do something I don’t enjoy simply for the sake of keeping them company.

28. Tell me something you think would surprise people. >> As a child, I was deathly afraid of thunderstorms. (My theories on this vary. Either way, my fear completely disappeared without fanfare sometime in adolescence; there is a memory I hold of being 13 and watching a summer storm in North Carolina with avid fascination, and suddenly thinking, Wait, aren’t I supposed to be afraid of this?)

29. Is your current hair colour your natural hair colour? >> Yes.

30. Why is your favourite band your favourite? >> My favourites are my favourites because they express things I keenly recognise and often do not have words for.

31. Name something that you miss. >> Her.

32. Share five goals that you want completed in the next thirty days. >> Um... I’d like to finish at least two more Loremaster sub-achievements on WoW, get my Norn up to at least lvl50 on GW2, watch the rest of Queen Sugar, finally nut up and watch Moonlight, and get my end of the Reddit/SyFy Gift Exchange done.

33. What do you do when you can’t sleep? >> Read, usually. Or watch some episodes of an Adult Swim show (or something equally low-commitment).

34. If you were told you were going to have three daughters, what would you want to name them? >> Whatever names come to me when I am holding them, or whatever names Sparrow wants to give them. What I hate is that you have to name them then and there -- I prefer the ritual of naming to be closer to toddlerhood.

35. How do you feel when someone says something mean/disrespectful towards your favourite band/musician? >> I don’t feel anything, usually. Being a Creed fan as a teenager has given me a blessedly thick skin towards that sort of thing, trust me.

36. What’s the funniest film you’ve ever seen? >> I really liked Life (the Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence flick), Caddyshack (it’s so fucking weird in that older-film sort of way but I lost my shit at so many scenes that I have to give it its due), and The Secret Life of Pets (I guess I’m the perfect demographic for that kind of ridiculousness). Oh, and Kung Fu Hustle. I know there are a few others but I forget them now. Comedy movies that really amuse me are almost harder for me to find than horror movies that don’t make me roll my eyes out of my head.

37. What’s your favourite children’s TV show/movie? >> My favourite children’s movies are The Pagemaster and The Prince of Egypt. The Neverending Story gets honourable mention just for being so damn iconic. My favourite children’s programming is The Amazing World of Gumball, Steven Universe, and some stuff I’m probably forgetting but trying to dig around in the pile of countless forms of media I’ve consumed over time in order to answer these questions is really not how I want to spend my night.

38. What do you do when you can’t sleep and you don’t have your phone? >> Why wouldn’t I have my phone, though...? I guess I’d get up and do something else. 

39. What is your purpose in life? >> Whatever it is, I assume I’m fulfilling it.

40. What’s one thing you cannot live without? >> Aside from the “duh” answers, I will say mental stimulation and variety. I couldn’t live in solitary confinement with absolutely nothing to do, I’d probably lose it faster than the average (if I don’t figure out a way to kill myself).

41. Put the seven deadly sins in order of the one you commit the most to the least. >> Superbia, Acedia, Gula, Avaritia, Luxuria, Ira, Invidia.

42. What’s something that’s on your bucket list?  >> Skydiving. Natch.

43. Have you ever been told you look like a famous person? If so, who? >> The only two famous people I’ve ever been compared to (to my face) are Grace Jones and Harold Perrineau.

44. Can you cook? If so, what are your favourite dishes to make? >> I can cook well enough not to starve. I haven’t gotten to a point where I enjoy cooking, though. Maybe one day.

45. What was the last decision you regretted making? >> Meh.

46. Whose opinion of yourself do you value the most? >> Can Calah’s. Sparrow’s, as far as corporeal human beings are concerned.

47. Anything that makes you angry? >> There is nothing that is consistently guaranteed to make me angry. I usually experience anger as a cumulative “last straw” kind of thing. Which can make it seem “out of the blue” to others, I realise. But at least it’s infrequent.

48. Age you get mistaken for? >> Anything from late teens to early twenties, appearance-wise. Online, anything from late teens to... mid thirties, I think.

49. When was the last time you paid for music? >> I think the last album I bought was The Buttress’ Behind Every Great Man.

50. Night or day? >> Both, please. And the spaces in between.

[king-derpintosh]

This is for a once good friend who knows who she is. I apologize to everyone else who opens up this essay of stupid nonsense.

I mean this as honestly as I do very bluntly: If moving on requires an almost bi-weekly complaint on social media about the past that’s no longer happening then I sure as fuck have been self healing wrong. I originally checked your blog out of anger in the past, which now has become an easy habit of like two clicks. In the months before you approached me for closure last year I was accepting the reality of you publicly posting about how I hurt or failed you. I still do agree with your points about where I did you wrong, but you call for closure and breaking away yet check up on me and still complain about “The person I don’t want to talk to ever again”. And it’s not that I didn’t think you can’t openly speak your mind about what I did wrong, I just think you’re being hypocritical proclaiming to want to heal and find closure by still to this day venting like I did something recently. Anything you say about Ryan isn’t my concern either, yell about him all you want he isn’t part of this problem. I was feeling humble with the fact that given our rough time together(both romantic and platonic) that things were over I see a slight resurgence with your agitated past. Bleeding through with your just-as-public claims of Merlin and your new friends being what you need to cope. I don’t see you as the person I knew and cared about, as I don’t think I’m the same either; we both changed for better AND worse in different aspects. But how can you keep boasting about how they’re so much better if you still dabble in your own toxic afterthoughts, publicly announcing them even if you eventually delete them? You’re not fooling me that there’s still things that eat at you.

Do you need the therapist you so boldly claimed I needed for a year? Because I had been to therapy in the past; it only went so far to help. I had to get back on my feet alone. I forced myself into isolation to look into myself to see and accept my flaws, and to fix what I can while making my future endeavors more healthy. Fuck, I still prefer my solitude and rarely talk to anyone. I’m not lonely when I can pop in and talk/see my good friends on and offline. So do yourself a favor: look into yourself for that closure. You don’t need to go at it alone, but you need a solid foundation to trust and love yourself. It’s not unhealthy to have Merlin and the others as your support network but don’t make the same mistake twice(or that I did) and not lean on your own strength and mental fortitude when they may not come through OR if they ever do become the problem. Because you keep praising Merlin for everything he does right, what’s going to happen when that honeymoon ends and you two butt heads one too many times? It happens, it’s normal, how either of you handle periodic arguments is what separates the healthy from the abusive. AND AS A DISCLAIMER: I don’t know dick about him beyond all the praise you give, he might just be the perfect candidate, but I’ll also give you the extra fact of I don’t care. I’m happy for you, I really am, but me being right or wrong doesn’t matter to me, I just want you to stop talking shit about me every so often like I did anything remotely related to you in the last 8 months and you need to be fucking happy for your current relationship.

I said this before and I’ll say it again: I don’t mind you checking on me. I wish deep down we could be friends but I still don’t believe we’re compatible even for a normal friendship. I wish I hadn’t caused the damage I did, but I’ve accepted that it’s what it is and you have others to pick up the pieces I couldn’t and the new ones I made. But for your own god damn health learn to accept what’s over and don’t stew on it. Be more firm in your own stances for a healthier you. I’m tired of you STILL talking shit about me like I’ve done anything else since fucking July of last year. I’m sorry I still check up on you, as it’s not the best for myself, but at least I don’t break down to exclaim how you’re still hurting me when you’re not, at least until I’ve grown tired of your occasional rants after you approached me for supposed closure last year. I doubt any apology will undo that damage to you, but I am sorry.

Just know that I want a friendship, a ceasefire, any sort of god damn peace of mind, but I’m not going to get it as much as you are if you keep bringing up what’s over. Thanks for coming to my obnoxious TED Talk