#does this make sense... for me its about the cycles of depression and addiction

[asssdirector]

the mountain goats + a certain kind of dread

(lovecraft in brooklyn // minnesota //night light // if you see light // spent gladiator 1 // alpha rats nest // cry for judas)

[generallypo]

in all sincerity, kim dokja makes me happy and he deserves to be so too :^(

incoherent yelling and sobbing under the cut. these fEELINGS will not be contained aaauuunnghhh. 

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anyway i binge-read all 500+ chapters of ORV this week and i honest to god feel bad for this -- completely! fictional! aghhhh -- guy. in case you haven’t figured it out, the following is some spoilerly shit

i went in expecting a fun, brainless power trip fantasy for dudes with an isekai addiction. instead, it turns out ORV is actually a gigantic, self-deprecating prank on the entire genre itself. kdj plays more into the sad -- if high-functioning-- clown trope than the sexy, edgy, chuuni bastard type i was prepared to laugh at. there were -- gasp! -- female characters with personalities! parents (aka ADULTS who act like ADULTS) who actually survive and feature prominently! adorable children! a real sexy, edgy bastard! a power trio with amazing fashion! sexual tension and bickering! friendship! life and death bonding! 

*breathes in deeply* fouND FAMILYYYYYYY.

like, yeah, the plot around the first few arcs seems a little aimless, but the buildup is worth. the world-building is pretty decent. there’s discernible effort put into the fight scenes, and i can appreciate that. but -- but! what i stayed for were the characters -- namely, the fantastic OT3 of KDJ, HSY, and YJH -- who come together despite their initial rivalries and end up saving each other’s asses, like, every other day. granted, the other characters don’t get as much focus, and they do fall into certain character tropes.. 

but a trope done well is nothing i would gripe about. every significant character in ORV has a coherent, and more importantly, respectful take on their respective trope. maybe it’s because sing-shong is actually a married couple, but all the interactions between even minor characters are a convincing blend of awkward rambling, suggestive humor, sharp remarks, and casual banter. in other words, this cast of mostly working adults (plus a teen and two kids) talks like working adults. the relationships built throughout the story are, frankly, some of most realistic of its genre. sing-shong has managed to craft a dynamic that undoubtedly brims with fluffy fondness all around, but also drips with sarcastic tension, with unspoken urgency, with a wariness that softens into sincerity over the course of many, many chapters. it’s the kind of progression that makes even stock characters read like more than just the 2-bit villain or comrade or love interest. here, we have relationships both straightforward and not, strained or otherwise, romantically-oriented as well as decidedly the opposite -- and then numerous others scattered along the spectrum with the freedom to shift either way. 

it’s also an interesting point of note that our MC kdj actually does not end up with a stated romantic partner, much less a conventional heteroromantic harem. he gets teased about that fact from time to time, but it’s with less of the sleazy shonen locker room humor one would expect and more of the good-natured ribbing you’d find among friends or that one especially nosy auntie at the yearly family reunion. kdj is a grown ass man. in the background, i applaud his maturity, and he handles all the prodding like a champ. 

so instead of finding and fulfilling his horny, he builds himself a wealth of loving family. yeah, there are beautiful men and women around him. yeah, they unequivocally adore him. but they’re also adults, and they have priorities, too -- which are not so much finding a way to bang kdj’s brains out and more so simply keeping the damn guy alive. this is truly not ‘oblivious mc with his thirsty, sex kitten harem’. it just so happens that a guy proves himself to be unflinchingly gentle and capable in an apocalyptic setting despite his broken self-esteem, and lots of people find that attractive, romantically and platonically. 

it.. kinda makes sense? he’s a hard worker, thoughtful, and good with kids. kdj is the kind of guy you know would make a reliable partner, and anybody with eyes can plainly see and appreciate that. 

and it’s not that our MC’s a total brick wall. in fact, it’s likely the opposite, and he’s just too darned repressed to admit it. from what has been implied, kdj does indeed recognize and accept love, or at least a primitive concept of it. i like to imagine that the kind of love that he ends up seeking out simply manifests itself more easily as acceptance and safety, as warmth and a home of people to return to every day. even better, the people who surround him know this, and they give him exactly that. it’s refreshing, and honestly, really sweet.

(as a side note, i really, really do appreciate the cosmic bi energy radiating off of kdj, who canonically earns the title of being loved by all and is all but in name married to yjh and hsy. he also respects women and small children and honestly anyone who isn’t total scum to him or his family. i respect that.)

but the happy stuff aside, you know it it just ain’t ORV without the generous screaming dollop of angst. admittedly, there’s self-sacrifice, injury, lonesome wandering, more sacrifice, some epic fighting, reunion and confrontation. all of it is a lot to digest, sure, but never does it feel entirely hopeless, or truly, truly heart-clenching. ORV, up until the final act, is a mostly light read. you relax in your chair, thinking that nothing beyond this point can disturb you. 

yeah fucking right.

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and then the beginning of the end arrives. when the squad finally break through to their ‘ending’, the scene that kind of breaks me is the reveal of the Most Ancient Dream. it ties so much thematically into the little tidbits that we get of kdj’s past, and it though it feels like almost a joke that the source of the goddamn apocalypse is a kid with bruises smeared across his skinny ass body -- it’s such a pathetic picture that it’s kinda poetic, actually. you’re left mystified but somewhat convinced, like a math problem explained halfway through. this.. child.. is a villain somehow, isn’t he?

and then 999th turn uriel speaks up, and she. just. hugs him. 

[[You are this universe’s most powerless existence, aren’t you.]] 

that. that gets me. kdj’s reaction immediately upon this revelation? absolute murder. seeing him essentially self-destruct upon realizing that all these people he’s surrounded himself with -- some who continuously proclaim their loyalty and affection for him throughout their journey, some who suffered eons of war and loss and trauma because of his existence -- not only forgive his younger self but smother him with unconditional acceptance and love is stifling, is too vulnerable and exposed and he simply can’t cope -- it’s so telling of his true mentality, of his crippling insecurity and crumpled sense of self-worth. kim dokja is a liar, through and through, so much that he fails, or perhaps refuses, to comprehend the veracity of others’ kindness and love towards himself. 

by some miracle, the events at the end of the world somehow resolve.. or so it seems. there is a departing train, a liberated team of ex-gods, and a child rousing from his slumber. in the aftermath, i am left shaking. somehow, despite the ending having been (happily?) reached, there’s still another chapter ahead. what is this witchcraft?

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and then ah, yes -- the epilogue arc. i teetered on the edge of being critical for a little bit there -- is that display of deus ex machina, of sad, self-sacrificing nobility a bit too egregious to be acceptable? is this some wild last let-me-yank-this-outta-my-ass plot twist to drag out the chapter count? i sincerely thought that the arc before it would have been the finale. i was wrong. thank god.

anyways, as an answer to the above: no, and no. i stake my firm claim on the belief that the epilogue arc was meticulously planned out well in advance of its release, confusing and time-warpy as it is. i liked it. tremendously. even if it entirely invalidates all of kdj’s supposed development (”haha lol yeah sure i won’t sacrifice myself or anything anymore guys don’t worry about me” -- KDJ, at some point because he’s a lying rat bastard). actually, our beloved MC disappears for a large chunk of this arc, and i think it’s great. in his absence, the other characters not only go absolutely fucking nuts, but they have to figure out this new problem on their own, even if the lure of peaceful complacency in the newly saved Korea might convince them otherwise. 

and then the whole time paradox thing comes around. yjh goes to space, hsy saves the only life she can, and kdj grows up. the crew waits, holding onto their hope even if it bleeds them dry. sing-shong does a damn good job of illustrating their fraying calm, their lurking madness, the unseen but pervasive depression that seeps in from kdj’s absence. the kids lose their father, lhs and jhw lose their reliable leader figure, ysa loses a best friend and confidant, lsk -- as distant as she pretends to be from her son -- loses her only child. and then there’s hsy and yjh , who are essentially bereft of the other half of their existences. their pain is palpable, is grounded in the hopeless, gnawing frustration of an utterly meaningless victory. emotionally, ORV hits all the right -- if agonizing -- beats.

however, a story can’t sustain itself just through its pathos. i’m happy to say that ORV doesn’t drop the ball after the first milestone, and after all the hurt, the characters do leap straight back into action. even better, the plot holes actually do get patches, and the poetic cycle of writer, protagonist, and reader comes full circle by making use of all those supposedly throwaway characters from the myriad world lines. 

at the end of the road, there is a distinct sense of unity, of a delicate but undeniable cohesion to the world lines and their origins. sing-shong lets us guess a little here at the finish, but there’s just enough information to feel hopeful. maybe there never had been a definite start -- or finish -- to the story of kdj company, and... that’s okay. everybody ends up where they were meant to be, where they fought and struggled to reach. it’s.. almost like a happily ever after, if we’re allowed to dream of that.

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now, i realize, this was all an orchestrated maneuver.

i’ll take it.

to me, all of this work sounds like someone put some serious thought into this behemoth of a plot. it cements the entire original premise of the story. it suggests -- but never explicitly confirms! -- the possibility that breaking free of the cycle is possible through the exact same system that sustains it. it’s terribly interesting -- and inspirational! with all the dramatic revelations and life-threatening scenarios  and the cast’s resigned acceptance of them that essentially make up ORV’s entire mood, there’s still that last hint of rebellious and righteous anger that lights up the whole damn nebula. it’s like the kdj company blasting away at the heavens just to yell into the nether: we’re not looking for the happy end, but the free one. stay alive.

it’s subtle, and yet it’s such an emotional gut punch. i came away with the most ruinous, frustrating, bittersweet sense of longing in ages. i pined. for these fictional darlings. god, i am weak.

so. yeah. ORV is pretty good. flawed, but ambitious and impressively thought out.  i’m stoked that the webtoon is making pretty good progress, even if it’ll take an eternity and a half to meet that monstrous chapter count. i’m still gonna follow it. hell yeah. 

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(by the way the idea that secretive plotter and co are literally gonna take care of and raise baby kdj and spoil him and be the best friggin family a kid could ever want does things to me. protect him. he’s suffered too much. let at least one worldline’s version of him know happiness. and actually, aLL OF THEM DESERVE DOMESTIC BLISS TOGETHER IN A BIG OL MANSION WITH SUN AND FRESH AIR AND TENDER FAMILY MOMENTS UGH)

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and there you have it, folks. you made it to the end. in the far, far distance, i’m cheering you on and crying my eyes out in gratitude. thanks for tuning in!

[crybabysunflower]

The song which reminds me of a Mystic Messenger character

Introduction

I have chosen this song based on how I have perceived this certain character from the otome game. I have chosen this song because the lyrics reminded me of him every time I listened to the song.

The character I have chosen for my blog is Kim Yoosung and the song which reminds me of him is Zombie by the South Korean punk pop band Day6 from their 2020 album, The Book of Us: The Demon

Before I write this blog I would give a trigger warning because it may have mentions of having suicidal thoughts so please read at your own risk.

The Lyrics

"What kind of day was yesterday

Was there anything special

I'm trying to remember

But nothing comes to my mind"

The lyrics above represents hopelessness and pessimism, the lyrics describes how the singer can't recall anything remotely positive happened to him on the previous day, he has been so used to the misery he has been dealing with. This reminds me of how Rika's "death" had severely affected Yoosung's life to the point that his life had come to a standstill, after that incident he had been waking up to face the same monotonous, miserable days which repeats over and over. He did not experience anything positive enough to affect him since the loss of his beloved cousin.

"Today goes by the same

Am I the only one struggling

How do I get through this

Would things get better

If I cry my heart out"

The first line of the lyrics again brings back our focus to the monotonous nature of the singer's life, just like the singer Yoosung too leads a monotonous, colourless life. Just like the lyrics mentioned above, Yoosung feels that he is the only one who is still not over grieving over his cousin since the other RFA members in his perception are seemingly doing well and are succesful in their careers while he is stuck in the past and wasting away his life. He is desperate to get over the never ending pain he had been feeling since the tragic incident due to which he finds comfort in playing video games which helps him to drown his sorrows but unfortunately it turns into a serious addiction and it actually does more harm to him than doing good. The last two lines also depicts the singer's strong desire to get over the heartache and thus he wonders if crying out loud would make his agony subside. This reminds me of how just like the singer Yoosung too had desired to cry out his pain several times, but he knows that it is futile since the rest of his friends are eventually going to invalidate his feelings in some way or the other.

"Yeah we live a life

Just running in circles day and night

Yeah we live a life

Though I try to change something

I cant seem to do anything

And I have got nothing left with me"

As the lyrics mentioned above Yoosung lives a life where he is just running in circles, he wakes up, goes to school (and can't pay attention to his lessons), comes back home, plays video games for the entire remaining day, and the cycle repeats. However he tries his best to change his situation, he joins various clubs in his school, the stitching club, the barista club and many more but, he quickly ends up losing interest in them and quitting them since they barely help him to cope up with his crippling depression. Just like the lyrics mentioned above, he found nothing to permanently get rid of his heartache. The last line reminds me of the void his cousin and role model Rika had left. After Rika's absence, there was no one for him to look up to, there was no one whom he would love to impress by performing well and finally there was no one to give him the type of emotional closure which he desperately craves for.

"I feel like I became a Zombie

With an empty heart and empty head

A scarecrow without a brain inside

Since when did I end up like this oh why"

Zombie is a person's corpse which continues to haunt the earth even after the actual demise of the person. Just like a zombie, Yoosung had been dead inside. He isn't living up to his fullest like he used to under Rika's guidance before, he is just surviving for the sake of it. A scarecrow is a term which is also used for describing a person in ragged clothes. Usually a person in ragged clothes is either not able to take care of themself and/or is not bothered about taking care of themself. In Yoosung's case, its both. He plays video games most of the time barely letting himself get a wink of sleep, he also does not give himself proper meals on time and happens to survive on convenient store foods and this is all because of his crippling depression which makes him hardly care about his own well being. Since he had been dealing with depression for quite a while and it has been a pretty long time since Rika's "demise" he can't recall for how long he had been persistently melancholic.

"I became a Zombie

I walk on drifting aimlessly

Tomorrow will be no different

I live counting the time

Till I close my eyes"

Initially Yoosung aimed to be a vet due to Rika's influence for which he worked hard to earn the top position in his class during his highschool years and he even joined one of the reknowned universities in the country with full scholarship, until the sudden disappearance of his cousin from his life. After her absence he had lost all of his sense of direction and aim in his life, he was no longer motivated to do well enough to accomplish his dreams. He had stopped expecting anything different would happen to him on the next day and is waiting for everything to end. The last lines reminds me of him in the Another Story routes. There it was very obvious that he had extremely dark thoughts where he wished to put and end to his sufferings (and thats why Zen kept him under his watchful eye to prevent the younger man from doing anything dangerous).

"Yeah we live a life

Eyes wide open in the dark

This meaningless life

Though I want to just let go

Though I want to just dream on

There is nothing I can do anymore"

The line "eyes wide open in the dark" can be used in the situation both literally and metaphorically at the same time. In the literal sense it reminds me of Yoosung's messed up sleep schedule where he barely sleeps at night. In the metaphorical sense it depicts that he can't see anything ahead of himself, except darkness, his eyes are wide open to see any possible beam of hope which he could not find at that moment. His future plans are luxury for him. When he sees the other RFA members, such as Jumin, Jaehee and Zen who are successful he desires to become as succesful as them. But whenever he dreams, he has this persistent thought that he will never be as successful as them, no matter whatever he does. That tragic incident had not only left him with crippling depression but also had shattered his self esteem.

"Get it all out, wanna cry

Let go of everything

Can I cry

Give me back my tears, they have run dry"

The lines above again depicts the desparate need to get over the crippling depression which is consuming the singer like a black hole. From the previous descriptions here, it is clear that in a similar fashion, Yoosung too is desparate to get over his sufferings. This reminds me of that one time when he told that he wants to cry so hard that he would blank out. He had already cried several times while grieving over Rika, yet he isn't satisfied.

Miscellaneous

I had also made a fanart on Yoosung based on this song because I was heavily inspired by the illustrated music videos I have seen of this song

Conclusion

I had been planning to make a lyric blog which would be related to a Mystic Messenger character. I am sorry that this took a very long time to come out. The only alibi I have to justify why I took so much of time is that, I was extremely nervous about it, I wanted to write a very good blog but I was not feeling confident enough about my project and hence I was extremely nervous about writing this blog. I an very glad for having instagram user @emilytheredone help me write this blog, she helped me to ease my nervousness over writing this blog. I am very thankful to her. Therefore, please let me know if this blog has turned out to be good.

[tobeornottotc]

The hidden rules of TKEM and why understanding it will help you understand the show.

The rules of TKEM and why understanding it will help you get the show. 

Being in the TKEM is so reminiscent of the first time I realised how deep shows could be and how cunning their creators are when forming a whole new universe/rabbit hole to fall into. My first ever show to do this for me was the Disney show in America called Girl meets world. I remembered how much we hated at first the first season, how we cringed at the plot lines, the quotes and the whole meta aspect of the show. I remember the first time I noticed the gateway, a couple which was so secretly hidden in subtext that kept jumping at me and in my need to understand why I felt this way I went and researched other people’s thoughts on this. To my surprise other people felt the same way I did. In the next season we had the full plot twist, this couple had been in love with each other for at least 2 years, and no one knew. But once we understood the rules of this show, going back to season 1 felt like a slap in the face, it was there all along, the reason for why everything was confusing was done on purpose. Sorry for going of tangent, but that’s also what happened with me with TKEM episode 1-6. This was the show I waited for all year, I am obsessed with Kim Eun Sook, not even because of her deep writing but because of all the love stories I have been addicted to because of her. She knew how to make me be obsessed with a new world and she made Korea look so amazing. So, I waited and by the end of episode 6 I was devastated I couldn’t understand certain choices in this drama and it made me very depressed honestly. Until I finally noticed a gate way, I mistakenly stumbled like I always do into knowing one of the rules and then I fought to get to the bottom of it. And just like I was heavily tricked by GMW, TKEM did the same and I am so grateful I didn’t stop watching it. So, for all of you confused about the show, here are some things that could help you understand this show even more. I call them the rules that the show seems to be following. Everything is done on purpose. Let’s begin:

Why TKEM is so confusing 

1.      The confusing storytelling and jarring world building and Taeul’s polarising character.

 This was hard for me during episode 1-4. I remember sitting there wondering why on earth everything was so confusing, nonlinear, and why it felt rushed. I understood that KES stories can sometime feel like this, no plot at first before she hits you with the reveal. But this story felt odd and didn’t pick up the plot until episode 6. I also why watching things in Gon’s POV was so confusing, why did he know so much and yet so little? Why did we not understand why he was acting the way he did. Until I finally got the first rule, the story isn’t in Gon’s POV. The story is narrated by our Present Taeul who’s reminiscing about the story whilst she interrogates Lee Lim. This is the first scene we are introduced to in episode 1. That’s because we’re in a flash back being narrated by Taeul. As Taeul in our current episode figures out more about the two worlds, the mythology and the plans Lee Lim has we get more information then. Remember in the first episode she is really confused by Gon, she refuses to believe in the world, and everything feels to bizarre. It’s the same way we feel about the show from those episodes, we feel frustrated she doesn’t believe Gon but at the same time we also find him so ridiculous. 

I have another post about this but TKEM uses Alice in the wonderland as a base (GMW did this as well), it uses both books Alice in wonderland and through the looking glass. I had previously thought that because Gon is our main character, and he goes into the parallel world, he is our Alice. I was wrong. Taeul is our Alice in Wonderland. She also states it to Gon when she enters Corea the first time. When Alice first enters wonderland, she is confused by the bizarreness of Wonderland.  Just like again for the first 5 episodes we are, everything makes no sense, Gon speaks gibberish most of the time using mathematics and science, he’s also very annoying. This is because Taeul is flat earther, she believes in things that she can see, so the first introduction to Gon and other’s is simply crazy to her, she is adamant that its not true. So, we wait until she goes to Corea and finds out that everything is right. Once she explores Corea we finally start to see a linear storyline, we slowly start to understand more about other things like Lim’s goals, her real feelings for Gon, we finally get to start to notice that the show is withholding a lot of information and its slowly coming together. This is also because Taeul is trying to solve the murder mysteries connected to Lee Lim, as she learns more we also start to see more about his goals. She’s our source of information, she’s privy to some parts of the soul but only when she takes part in it. That’s why we don’t understand why Gon chased after the white rabbit it was so odd, because that’s all she knows he did. She also doesn’t know how time travel plays into this, so as Gon figures out about this, its because she’s also starting to recognise it too. 

This is also why time is so nonlinear to us. The flashbacks make no sense, some of the stuff like Fate (yoyo boy) are to cryptic for us to get. Taeul doesn’t yet know their part in this. I think its also why we don’t see a lot on Prime minister Koo either, because all Taeul probably knows about her at this point is the girl who wants to marry Gon for his throne and the girl who she admires for being in power. This also happened in GMW, the audience in the first season saw things through a 12-year-old girl’s perspective so everything felt cheesy, cringy, and nonsensical. It’s done on purpose, we the audience just like Taeul feel like Alice in wonderland, the more she gets to understand why the rabbit is running and is going to be late, the closer she gets to that trial at the end of the book, the more she grows up, the more the story starts to make sense. Taeul’s earth is no longer flat, things are now being pieced together so we also get to know more about that. Be Patient. The directing is done to make you think things are being overlooked, because Taeul is also overlooking important hints.

 2.      The directing is wacky. There are too many characters that are pointless. 

This is another thing that really annoyed me the first 6 episodes, the way the director uses the nonlinear timeline. Especially when we don’t have any information for why we should feel a certain way. An example of this is Taeul running into Gon’s arms when the whole episode she’s been hating and fighting with him or when she breaks down in episode 10 when he appears and kisses her before leaving. What we know is that this doesn’t make sense, we don’t understand what’s making her do this because we normally find out in a flashback of the first 25 minutes of the next episode. Because the next episode is always a week away. We the audience feel cheated and simply confused. 

Funny thing about this is once you understand this show is about time travel. The director’s choices start to make sense, we have so many timelines already showing up, Gon can travel back in time, and forward, just like we the audience also end up doing. The normal ending of the even episodes is us in the future of Taeul’s narration before we are flung back into the past in the next episode to get what happened. It’s done-on purpose. 

 Another confusing thing about the show is the way the director shows us the two different worlds. This show is chucked with so many side characters, it’s like Goblin whenever he goes to help someone, or the grim reaper goes to take someone’s life. Unfortunately, while it worked for Goblin in a linear narrative, this show has the rule of two, there twice the same amount of characters we know, they have another parallel self in a different world. With the directing its hard to know when these worlds differ, we are always confused by the characters we don’t know where they belong to. But that’s because Taeul doesn’t know at that moment about Lee Lim’s plan to replace the dopple gangers, just as the two world are bleeding into each other (remember Eun Sup feeling the heat of the hot chocolate of Yeong on his iced tea), we get even more confused as to where everyone is from. That’s what Lee Lim is doing replacing everyone in a different world and making them become part of that world. The director does this by withholding information about the side characters so we just as Gon and Taeul are confused by who they are and why they are important in certain worlds. The director is doing this on purpose. Its meant to be confusing.

3.      The powers of the flute is so confusing. Lim’s plans make no sense and for the first 6 episodes he hides doing nothing but being ominous in the background. 

The title: The King Eternal Monarch

Points to consider:

·  The word eternity is defined as something that keeps on going on and on and doesn’t have an end. This is the biggest rule of the show, Gon is stuck in a cycle/loop where he must keep on ruling and fighting for the throne. This is what the show is about, that’s why the flute is so important, and unbreakable sword his father has gifted him. They are artefacts representing Gon’s plight to keep trying to control his reign. He’s the noble blood that’s fated to keep doing this repeatedly. So the question is how? We know this, it’s time travel. The first 6 episodes is about Gon learning about the powers of the flute, he recognises time is important, he recognises that the person who saves his life comes from the future, he knows that person is connected to Taeul because of her id card. He understands this because he understands science and maths, that’s why he speaks in scientific and mathematical terms at the beginning to Taeul. He was explaining what this show is, it’s a sci fi, its going to focus on sci fi themes such as time travel and parallel dimensions. From the beginning the show has explained using Gon’s lexicon that this is all about time travel, its about the character getting to the point where he must save himself again. Taeul is the reason why he’s doing this. That’s why she’s the person he searches for, for 25 years. 

We have two people fighting for the throne to be king. Monarch is to do with the royal family and the control over a government. The fight for the throne is the whole plot of this show, just like in through the looking glass, Alice ends up mistakenly in a battle between the two queens, it’s the same thing. This is a battle for the monarchy, with two different people who have different reasons why they want the throne. Gon however is the king we know; this story is about him through Taeul’s eyes.

4.      The pointless conversations with characters and confusing scenes. 

Literature is used as devices used to help us understand what’s going

 I already have posts on this, but each story mentioned, each book helps us understand and foreshadow this whole show. It also makes us understand more about the show. There are so many stories mentioned, the myth of the manchipasseok and the dragon king, (the flute), the wonderland series, King Arthur, the book about flowers (the book Lady Noh reads), the poem Gon reads  (Invoking the name of the dead), Greek mythology on the fates (the yo yo boy). Kim Eun Sook does this in all her fantasy stories, in secret Garden it was little mermaid but the man as the mermaid, in Goblin it was the mythology of the grim reaper and Goblin, the poem about first love etc… She does this to help the audience not feel cheated by the ending of the show, she already has told you what’s going to happen. This is exactly why the directing choices are the way they are, the plot is told the way it is. Each of our characters are connected to a tale. If you need to know more look at my posts about Things to know about TKEM to know where its going.

 5.      Their relationship is rushed and confusing. 

This is solved by knowing how the subtext and the mathematical references explains their relationship and why it’s so fast.

 These are also used to tell you about the rules of the show. The maths theories are not my strengths, but these are so important. Gon has mentioned Taeul’s role in the story by telling her she represents the number zero when he confesses to her. He’s again reiterating that this story is happening because of her, she’s the most important factor in this whole show.  There’s so many mathematical references that I can’t analyse but if you’re able to do so, you’ll crack more about each of the characters especially why Taeul and Gon act the way they do.

There’s also subtext which everyone has been missing out on. I believe in the theory that our current timeline is not the first time Gon and Taeul have interacted. This is the reason why Taeul easily falls for him once he shows her evidence of his world. She already felt those feelings before, and she recognises it but she can’t explain why. Therefore, Gon instantly chases after Luna as the white rabbit without any explanation, something is making him do this, he’s used to doing this. I’ve spoken so much about Lady Noh and Buyeong also knowing about this too, they know Gon and Taeul have done this too many times, and they remember, why they do I don’t know. There’s also the red balloons I mentioned in the land of frozen time (the pink sky land that has no sun or rain) I think they represent how many times we’ve been through this loop before. If Gon and Taeul have known each other longer than centuries, it would explain why all he wants to do is find her, and why she easily accepts her fate to love him and be with him. The way they act shows you that subtext is important in understanding the show, why she moves away from his hug when he first approaches her like she’s expecting it, why she can’t stop thinking of him, why she talks about her tragic fate and then rapidly tells him she loves him so they speed up their relationship, why easily runs to him after he goes back to Corea. She loved him also from the beginning. 

The songs and osts are also important to understand the subtext. There are many songs portraying Taeul’s thoughts when she first met Gon. I have posts on this. There are so many songs foreshadowing the ending of the show, and the whole eternal loop of the show. Gon’s main purpose is to find Taeul he does this by always opening the gates. Taeul’s main purpose is to wait for him because it’s her promise to him.  (Listen to please don’t cry and dream, maze  and orbit read the English lyrics). Therefore, Taeul and Gon don’t build their relationship slowly, they’ve already passed that stage in their previous meetings, that’s why he proposes to her in episode 2. He knows this. 

Sorry for the lengthy post. I didn’t even go into details about the fight for justice and Fate and destiny as a rule as well of this show. But my other posts talk about these two. 

[foxofthedesert]

RedQueen & Mythology Part 2

Hey, @loudestdork​, guess what?  Here I am again, this time at 4 am, because your fucking glorious manip has me obsessing over this brilliant little universe where Regina and Ruby are Hades and Persephone.  I don’t know whether I should love you or hate you for fueling this hopeless addiction.   

While I decide about that, you can read the latest installment.  I can’t promise any more but holy shit there are so many ideas to play with.  Hope you enjoy it you absolutely magnificent enabler! 

Also, please forgive the song insert at the end.  It has long been an earworm and this was the perfect ficlet, IMHO anyway, to use it in.  The song is “Listen To The Wind” by James Horner (one of my most favorite film composers and I was utterly devastated when he passed) for the Terrence Malick film The New World.  The whole score is incredible, but this one in addition to “An Apparition in the Fields...” are the standouts for me.  I’ll post the URL to the referenced song after the ficlet.  Give it a listen if you are a James Horner fan or a connoisseur of film scores in general.  

“Would you please stop?  Your needless fretting is tying my stomach into knots.”

Clutching the sheets to her bare chest, Ruby observes her spouse’s restless pacing as anxiety crawls up her spine.  She hates this time of year – a twist of fate she could never have predicted when she was a maiden free to roam the Earth at her leisure.

Before she was married there were no seasons.  The land was healthy and green year around.  Birds and butterflies and wolves, her very favorite animal, flocked to her side, forgetting their natural impulses in the presence of Ceres Eugenia’s progeny.  Ruby always had an affinity for animals and had always felt as if she were a part of their various cycles.  When younglings were born she rejoiced in song and danced in celebration, and when they perished she mourned as if having lost a member of her family.

Common sense should therefore dictate that she prefer spring over autumn if only to spare herself the grief of watching the whole world die year after year in endless repetition.  And yet nothing could be further from the truth.  Already a thousand years have passed since she struck the eternal bargain with Jovia Zelena to bind her to Dīs. A thousand years she has observed the flora and fauna endure the frigid snows and gales of winter.  A thousand years she has buried her four-legged friends in the frosty loam and held vigil over millions upon millions of trees and flowers and insects alike as they struggled, often fruitlessly, against the remorseless cold intent upon feeding the insatiable engine of death.  She has cried enough tears in that millennium to replenish both the Mediterranean and Aegean were they to succumb to a terminal drought and still she would rather endure another rather than spend the coming six months away from her beloved.

Speaking of Regina, as she stops abruptly and swirls around, Ruby can’t help but notice that her sheen toga clings wonderfully to her curves and that the part in the garment has separated to reveal nearly the whole length of a shapely leg her lips long to taste. Eyes blazing, hands on her hips, raven hair spilling over her shoulders, Regina cuts such an impressive and irresistibly handsome figure that Ruby can hardly keep herself from drooling.  And how very embarrassing that would be!

Not for the first time, she silently contemplates how anyone with functioning vision and a shred of reason could choose Venus as the fairest of them all. Lips red as the rose, hair black as ebony, and skin white as snow; surely Ruby’s closest childhood friend possessed all of those physical virtues and more, yet even Venus Mater Caelesti – known to those who lover her as Nix Alba (or in the common tongue Snow White) – failed to compare with the banished goddess that all with breath either feared or loathed.

In the vaulted halls of Olympos they derisively referred to the ruler of the Underworld as Regina a Malo, the Evil Queen.  But to Ruby she will forever be Regina in Corde Meo, the Queen of My Heart.

Survival for half the year without the sovereign owner of her love and devotion is a torture so unbearable that the Deam Optimus Maximus is no doubt thrilled that her faux attempt at leniency was failing so spectacularly.  Were it not for the unyielding support of her mother and Snow, she cannot imagine how she would even function.

True Love, as it turns out, is not only a source of unimaginable happiness but also of indescribable misery.

“Needless fretting?” Regina says, responding to Ruby’s request in a less than accommodating tone.  “In less than a fortnight you will leave me once again to the mercy of my imaginations.  I can do nothing else but fret when you are not by my side!  Beyond the borders of Dīs I cannot protect you, cannot watch over you, cannot...”

“Hover like a mother hen over her chicks?” Ruby supplies, interrupting in an attempt to forestall her wife’s spiraling descent lest she succumb to one of her abyssal depressions.

There is scarcely anything to be done when the darkness has taken hold of Regina in earnest.  In such instances, Ruby does what she can to provide whatever comfort her ailing partner will accept.  Usually space and time are required for Regina to wrestle off the impossibly heavy blanket of sadness that has engulfed her.  But sometimes she lets Ruby sing to her until the fog lifts or hold her hand while they go for a walk through the Fields of Gladness or the Blessed Groves. When the despair becomes too much, Regina will curl into Ruby’s body while they lie abed and it is all she can do during those evenings to keep from empathetically sobbing as her beloved trembles miserably in her arms.

Thankfully Ruby has discovered through trial and error that humor is a method of dispelling Regina’s souring moods that is effective more often than not.

“I resent that comparison,” Regina says, brows furrowed in objection.  Ruby breathes a sigh of relief, though, when her shoulders relax into a more neutral posture. “For your information I am nothing like your disgustingly virtuous mother, and I’ll thank you not to imply such again any time in the near future.”

“Aww.  Don’t be cross, love. I meant no disrespect,” Ruby says, then invitingly pats the empty space beside her.  “Now, be a good girl and come back to bed.”

One sable eyebrow quirks up as Regina eyes Ruby with a small grain of incredulity.  “’A good girl’?  Do you address Zelena with such remarkable insouciance when you deliver your annual report?”

Said report is part of the deal with the chief goddess Ruby acquiesced to so that she could have six months of the year with Regina instead of the originally intended three.  Her first destination each spring is Mytikas, the summit of Mount Olympus upon which the great temple of the gods was erected eons before she was even born. There she is to give account of Regina’s activities, however benign, as assurance that Zelena’s grasp on power remains uncontested.  It is a distasteful duty that Ruby executes with all of the precision she can muster, especially since it always makes her feel dirty, as if she is being employed against her will as a spy in her own wife’s domain.

“Of course not, silly,” she replies, smiling at how cute Regina is when acting absolutely ridiculous.  “I try to keep interactions with your sister to a minimum, and when I report to her I make sure to maintain the proper formality she most certainly does not deserve.  Now stop beating around the bush and come to bed.  As you said, I have a fortnight left with you and I do not intend on wasting even one minute.”

When Regina remains mulishly still, Ruby switches to a tried and tactic: batting her eyelashes and pouting shamelessly.  To her delight, Regina caves within seconds and responds with an affectionate if not exasperated roll of her eyes.

Once they are settled back in together, Ruby’s back nestled flush with Regina’s front, they both heave sighs of contented pleasure.  An easy, familiar silence reigns over them for a space that Ruby does not care to account for.  Not when the only thing she needs and desires is right here in this room holding her just right, nuzzling into her cheek and neck in between pressing patient kisses against the skin of her shoulder and arm.

This is her home, Regina is her home, and there is no other place where she feels more safe and loved and cherished in all the universe, which has garnered a fair few questions as to her sanity when she has admitted as such to her friends and loved ones in the planes above Dīs.  Some of them have been so bold as to declare to her face that she is insane.

“If that’s true,” she told one such acquaintance, “then sanity is not for me. Better to be deranged and blissfully happy than a sensible busybody like you who will never experience real love or understand how it feels to be desired for your heart instead of your tits!”

That particular individual has not spoken to Ruby since, not that it is a big loss. Drizella always was and always will be a vacuous hussy.

“What am I to do when you’re gone?”

Regina’s plaintive whisper shatters the silence as if she had screamed.  Ruby’s heart lurches from a pang of acute melancholy. She already knows the answer to that question, and has since it was first asked a thousand years earlier.  

While Ruby cries herself to sleep upon her plush bed in the Aventine Temple, Regina will be working herself ragged by micromanaging every last operational detail of the entire realm. She will spend countless hours draped in thick furs brooding upon her throne while being buffeted by cutting winds that sweep through corridors and hallways of the palace – for while above the spring breeds balmy, gentle breezes, in the Underworld the atmosphere turns ever more frigid and capricious and violent in tune with the temperament of its ruler.  Against all logic she will refuse nourishment far too frequently and eat meager portions only when necessary, forego rest until she is too haggard and weary to perform even basic functions, harshly dismiss all attempts to lighten her load until the majority of the staff is too frightened to even approach her, and generally wear herself down until all that is left is an exhausted husk that Ruby will have to revitalize all over again come the fall.

She hates that her beloved will segregate herself to such a degree, but there is little she can do to prevent it.  The Laws of Olympus cannot be broken, not even by those who decree them. However, that does not mean they cannot be bent.  She may be forbidden to physically see and touch Regina during her time on the surface, but the laws Zelena established dictating their separation make no mention of the metaphysical.  

Although eternal beings such as themselves do not require sleep, it is a luxury that provides many physical, emotional, and mental benefits.  For them, though, something unique occurs when they are asleep at the same time. Somnus himself had taught her that they are what mortals refer to as Soul Mates.  They are, he had told her, two halves of one whole and because of that no force known to heaven or earth could keep them completely isolated from one another.  Space and time are irrelevant to them when they can bridge any distance to be reunited in their dreams.  Unfortunately learning how to control this ability was quite complex and required many secretive lessons over the centuries for Ruby to even summon the most simple of dreamscapes for herself.

Thankfully this past summer she had at last managed to recreate the broader forest in which she and Regina first met.  And tonight she was going to draw them both there as indisputable proof that there was a place beyond prying eyes they could always be together.  

“Close your eyes.”

“I bet your pardon?” Regina replies, and when she attempts to prop herself up by an elbow, Ruby latches on to her arm to keep her close.

“For once do what I say without being difficult, would you please? I need you to hold me and close your eyes.”

For a long moment Regina does not comply, and though it starts to appear like she never will, Ruby continues waiting all the same.  She is very good at that – waiting on Regina.  In her experience, doing so never goes without reward. The woman may be more intractable and ornery than the hound that guards the gates of her dominion, but she is worth the expense of every single second of patience expended and every last ounce of effort exhausted on her behalf.

As if determined to prove her correct, Regina eventually settles back down and snakes an arms beneath the covers to wind over Ruby’s waist.  A cool hand then settles in the valley of her breasts, fingers splayed wide over her heart, and Ruby shivers more in response to the welcome touch than to the algid temperature of her wife’s flesh.

“Alright then,” Ruby says, wiggling further into the embrace, “are your eyes closed?”  Regina hums confirmation into the shell of Ruby’s ear. “Now, just relax, breathe, and listen...”  

And when all is still and quiet once more she begins to sing:

“Time is a river that flows endlessly and A life is a whisper, a kiss in a dream.

Shadows dance behind the firelight, 

And all the spirits of the night remind us: We are not alone.

Tomorrow, a sun soon rising, And yesterday is there beside us,

And it's never far away. If you listen to the wind you can hear me again.

Even when I'm gone you can still hear the song

High up in the trees as it moves through the leaves.

Listen to the wind, there's no end to my

Love is forever a circle unbroken.

The seasons keep changing; it always remains. Spring will melt the snows of winter and the summer gives us days of light 

So long till autumn makes them fade.

Remember the sound of laughter. We ran together through the meadows;

Still we thought our hearts could break.

If you listen to the wind, you can hear me again.

Even when I'm gone you can still hear the song

High up in the trees as it moves through the leaves.

Listen to the wind and I'll send you my love. Listen to the wind where the sky meets the land.

I'm not really gone I've been here all along

High up in the trees in the sound of the leaves.

Listen to the wind there's no end to my...

Time is a river that flows to the sea

And a life is a whisper, a kiss in a dream.”

As the song draws to an end, there is no sound or movement from Regina save from her steady breathing, by which Ruby can tell she is fast asleep. With a soft, peaceful smile, she shutters her eyelids closed and inhales deeply.  

By the time she has fully exhaled, she is already kissing Regina in their meadow.

[biohackerblogger-blog]

Biohacking and Science: A solution for most of your problems

In this article I’m going to be discussing biohacking—what it is and the different aspects of human biology an individual can improve (or “hack”, if you want to call it that) to optimise their life and cognition. In the next blog I’ll discuss the specific improvements I’ve made in my life and their scientific justifications—with an in-depth focus on nutrition, supplementation and cognitive-enhancement.

Biohacking as defined by merriam-webster is “biological experimentation done to improve the qualities or capabilities of living organisms especially by individuals and groups working outside a traditional medical or scientific research environment”.

While that sounds dramatic, the term could also be described as do-it-yourself biology—making small, incremental changes to your diet, habits and life to optimise your cognition and life expectancy. This hobby likely originated in Silicon Valley, a place popular in many trendy self improvement hacks: The keto diet, intermittent fasting and microdosing to name a few.

We are living in an era of excess. Western supermarkets are packed full of processed, sugary, fatty products that people cling to as comfort food. Social media and smartphones have been tweaked to be as addictive as possible. Even television has been replaced by on-demand streaming services that provide countless hours of mindless oblivion to addicted viewers—so much so that “binge-watching” is now a recognized term in many dictionaries. This combination and more has led to the shortening of the average attention span.

Coincidentally, it feels like every other person in recent generations seems to suffer from some form of ADHD, depression or other mental health issues.

Me, technically a part of generation z, am no exception.

I’ve been an underperformer most of my school career, with every parent-teacher meeting ending the same way: “Alexandru is a very bright boy but he doesn’t seem to be reaching his potential in class.”

I daydreamed, lost focus often and was often unmotivated when tackling complex tasks. My mom has practiced psychiatry for 2 decades and during my last year of high school I saw one of her colleagues who eventually diagnosed me with ADHD.

This shook me. I had believed that I was just a lazy person, not working hard enough but now this doctor was basically telling me that it wasn’t my fault; That I had a learning disability that would always put me at a disadvantage to other “functional” people.

As I made my way through university the same issues kept coming up over and over again and I started feeling hopeless. Medication seemed to act as a bandaid on the problem, working as intended inconsistently. Is this what the rest of my life was gonna be like?—Craving achievement while lacking the motivation to acquire it?

Nahhhh, I wasn’t going to let some abstract diagnosis prevent me from prospering in life.

Enter biohacking:

In my spare time at uni I began researching ways of “curing” my ADHD. The goal: Improving my attention, motivation and cognition anyway I could. I’m a scientist, so it only made sense to solve my problems with science. Little did I know I wasn’t so much as curing a disorder as I was just finding ways to optimise my life using scientific knowledge. I tried different lifestyle changes and recorded the positive benefits of each one—Basically running my own scientific experiments on a sample size of 1. Biohacking is basically tweaking your biology to improve your life.

Diet

As I mentioned before, supermarkets today are full of horrible, delicious processed food. It’s expensive eating healthy and it’s difficult to resist the allure of a greasy portion of chips. Regardless, I think a large percentage of the population seriously underestimate how much your diet impacts your day-to-day life as a human being. A heavily debated study found that judges tended to give harsher sentences just before lunch due to hunger (This study has argued about for years). If even people who practice being impartial for a living are at the mercy of their own biology—that means so are you.

Your body is a complex machine, requiring certain amounts of macronutrients (protein, carbs, fats) and micronutrients (vitamins, minerals) to carry out all of it’s processes efficiently. If any of these numbers are skewed, the machine won’t run smoothly. You can optimise your diet in a number of ways depending on your goals, but the FDA and similar organizations provide recommendations as to how much of each nutrient an average individual requires in a day.

Many of the micronutrients have important roles in our day-to-day lives which becomes apparent when we are deficient. Magnesium plays a huge role in good-quality sleep while vitamin D is important for healthy bones and mood. The world health organisation provides guidelines for what they consider a healthy diet which contains healthy doses of all these nutrients. Obviously, we’re human, not superhuman and we can’t always have a perfect diet all the time. There’s no shame in supplementing your diet artificially, just don't use pills as a replacement for healthy eating habits. Getting blood work done can help you identify which vitamins and minerals you're deficient to inform your dietary changes or supplement purchases.

If you're looking to improve cognition, omega-3 fatty acids are a well-researched staple supplement that is found in high quantities in fish. I could write a whole article on cognitive enhancement and supplements—so I’ll save it for the next one.

If weight loss is your goal maybe consider reading up on the science of the keto diet (a fat heavy diet that pushes metabolism into burning fat) or experimenting with alternative eating habits like intermittent fasting. Hell, I hear great things about going vegan nowadays and you’d be saving the environment while you’re at it.

Play around with it, optimise it for your goals and give supplements a try.

Exercise

The NHS recommends 75-150 minutes of exercise a week for the average individual. Obesity continues to be a huge issue in this country and others so more still needs to be done to encourage public fitness. It seems that many people make the mistake of thinking of exercise as a distraction from more important things like careers and making money, especially as they get older. They say they’re simply too busy and can’t find the time but in reality they’re decreasing their potential to excel in other aspects of their lives. There’s no point in making money if you’re too fat and achy to enjoy spending it.

Exercise is important. As Socrates eloquently puts it:

“No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”

Deep.

Endorphins produced by exercise  make us feel great, we sleep better, we have more energy, we are more engaged with our work—Not a whole lot of downsides. For men in particular weight training is a very well-researched method or raising testosterone levels. A hormone my generation seems to be in significant lack of but in need of due to its important properties. Testosterone has anxiolytic properties, lubricates social interactions and is involved in providing an array of physical health benefits too.

Exercise is free, there are no downsides and a plethora of benefits. It doesn’t so much matter what type of exercise you’re doing so much as you’re doing it on a regular basis. It will suck, especially if you’re not accustomed to regular exercise but once you make it a habit (takes around 21 days to make something a habit), you’ll stop thinking about it and it’ll happen automatically.

Biohacking sure sounds a lot like self-improvement eh?

Sleep

In today’s day and age a good night’s sleep has become a rare treat. It’s like taking a gamble every night and hoping you wake up rested. As a student studying in the UK, I feel like I’m probably the most qualified person to say that. Sleep is very important for humans as pretty much all of our physical processes are regulated to some extent by our biological clock. A clock set by our circadian rhythm (Aka sleep cycle). Small perturbations to our sleep can seriously knock our daily rhythm out of line. Memories are written into your long term memory, waste products are flushed from the brain and the body readies itself for the new day. Everyone is aware their performance drops after a poor night’s sleep.

Here are some things you can do:

Humans need to go through about 4-6 sleep cycles per night to function adequately.

                          Sleep cycle = 90 minutes +/-                  5 * 90m = 7.5 hours

Try to wake up after sleeping a multiple of 90 minutes. If you wake up during the middle of a cycle you’re more likely to feel groggy. 6 hours, 7.5 or 9 hours between bed and wake are what you’re looking for.

Avoid blue light before bed. I’m sure you’ve already heard this one but blue light from screens inhibits sleep. Try a blue light filter on your laptop—Flux is the free one I use and recommend.

Avoiding caffeine, sugar and carbs before bed works wonders for your sleep. A magnesium supplement does too.

Going to bed and waking up at the same time consistently will make sleeping easy and soon your whole body will adjust itself to the routine. The human body loves routine.

Anything else worth mentioning

Yes, meditation is a big one. Specifically mindfulness. If you haven’t already been preached to on the internet about the numerous benefits of meditation, it seems to improve pretty much everything about people.—The ultimate meta-habit for improving all aspects of living. It shows promise in ameliorating depressive symptoms, anxiety, self-control and a lot more.

The mobile app headspace provides a great starting point and for those that want a challenge and want to try their hand at a monk’s life check out Vipassana meditation. Their free week-long retreats are a crash course in mindfulness with lifelong benefits. I tried one this summer and was convinced it was a cult for the first 3 days.

I’ve seen huge improvement in my life after I started applying science to fix my problems. I hope I’ve managed to give an effective overview of my experience in biohacking and given you some well-researched places to get started. If you have a biological background I think it’s a shame not to use that background to optimise your life in every way you can.

Thanks for reading,

Alex

P.S. here’s a short rant:

I think (not all, but a lot) of the recent diagnoses of ADHD and depression could be “cured” by not treating it as an isolated malady caused by some bad genes and poor luck—but as a culmination of lifestyle choices and habits that could be improved upon. Exercise and diet should be the FIRST CHOICE intervention when it comes to treating things like ADHD and depression.

I believe diet and exercise should always precede a chemical solution to these ailments. There are hundreds of supplements and activities that have proven psychological benefits that could hugely benefit humans. Thanks again.

[flatstarcarcosa]

extremely detailed character meme (Van, ships: right on target and far from any road)

found this on my dash and i thought i’d fill it in! under a cut b/c it is REALLY detailed! some of the questions don’t apply for me, and i tried to make it easy to tell which ship i’m referring too b/c some things are different here and there 

Character Chart Character’s full name: Van (pronounced vaughn, rhymes with fawn) Miller Reason or meaning of name: None  Character’s nickname: None, aside from petnames Reason for nickname: None Birth date: for ship: right on target: 10/03/1990 for ship: far from any road: 10/03/1970  Physical appearance Age: ship: right on target: 29\ ship: far from any road: 24 in 95, 30 in 02, 40 in 2012 How old do they appear: Perpetually babyfaced. So about 15 or so until they hit their mid 30′s Weight: honestly i don’t know Height: 5′2 (look what’s the point of a self insert if i can’t achieve my dream of being at least five foot tall all right) Body build: stronk.  Shape of face: square ish?  Eye color: grey Glasses or contacts: glasses, doesn’t like them unless they’re sunglasses though, prefers to squint and look like a hamster  Skin tone: pale/sickly at times, tan if they’ve been in the sun, but still very white  Distinguishing marks: pointy canines  Predominant features: nothing really sticks out, van’s physical features are pretty normal Hair color: naturally a muted blonde. prone to dying it a bright yellow in 95 and 02 for ship: far from any road. dyed black for ship: right on target Type of hair: straight Hairstyle: fluffy, over hair sprayed mullet ponytail thing for ‘95, ‘02 has a less hair band style looking thing but still pretty punky, ‘12 Van has what i call the ‘business undercut’ (far from any road). also just a normal, kind of spiky undercut for (right on target) Voice: i dont know how to answer this?  Overall attractiveness: this is just a bad question  Physical disabilities: I’m gonna break this one down because one thing i love about my self inserts is modifying my own, actual disabilities a bit so: far from any road: van has kidney and bladder problems that get progressively worse as time goes on, and undiagnosed celiac disease. because of a severe motorcycle accident in ‘89 they also have a weak/bum leg that is prone at times to flaring up with pain and instability with no warning. after a second motorcycle accident in ‘95, these things get a lot worse. by the time ‘12 rolls around van resigns themself to having traded in their bike years earlier for an actual car and using a cane. they’re not happy about it.  right on target: same kidney/bladder/digestive issues. bum leg is a side effect of general chronic pain caused by it. their leg has a habit of still going out at random, and despite needing a cane sometimes they refuse to use it. lester always keep an eye out in case their leg is about to collapse under them. he’s grabbed them many times to keep them from hitting the ground.  Usual fashion of dress: dark, leather, jeans, punky looking things.  Favorite outfit: leather jacket, motorcycle boots even if they’re not riding, jeans.  Jewelry or accessories: big clunky silver rings. right on target!van has a solid black metal band on their left thumb that matches one lester has.

Personality Good personality traits: tries to be kind, tries to make things better for others at the expense of themself, funny, loves animals,  Bad personality traits: addiction problems, quick temper, far from any road!van likes to hustle people at bars and get into bar fights but usually only if they’ve been provoked  Mood character is most often in: it cycles a lot, so  Sense of humor: good? this is a vague question  Character’s greatest joy in life: photography, making people laugh, alone time Character’s greatest fear: death, being in poverty again/being stuck in poverty,  Why? being poor is Not Fun What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? far from any road: something happening to rust. they don’t realize at it first but he’s become their grounding agent, and without him there to balance them out they would not fare well.  right on target: lester’s brief stint of being fucking dead and murdered on TV wasn’t a good time.  Character is most at ease when: it’s cold and rainy out and they have an excuse to stay in bed and snooze.  Most ill at ease when: surrounded by too many people and too many noises. Enraged when: hhhhhhhhhhhhh often? the worst they get is in ‘95 when marty makes a few jabs at their trauma and they beat him bloody before rust pulls them off him.  Depressed or sad when: also often, sometimes for no reason. thats kind of what clinical depression is. Priorities: money. taking care of themself with it in order to be able to help others. Life philosophy: sometimes you don’t have to be great, you can just be okay.  If granted one wish, it would be: ability to change gender/sex characteristics at will. Why? it’s the transgenderism (i use that word satirically and as a joke, for those that don’t know that’s a te]]]rf dogwhistle in other situations, a lot of trans people have taken it back)  Character’s soft spot: their pets and the fact that being a raging asshole is a front they have to actively work at. Is this soft spot obvious to others? depends on the person. to rust? yes. to lester? not as much.  Greatest strength: refusal to give up. Greatest vulnerability or weakness: raging asshole disease and the addiction issues. Biggest regret: developing addiction issues.   Minor regret: it also cycles like their moods. Biggest accomplishment: far from any road: got a bachelor’s degree in sociology before deciding to get into journalism.  right on target: ??? van doesn’t feel accomplished. lester is trying to encourage them at going to college but he’s not very good at it.  Minor accomplishment: “not fucking dead yet, assholes”  Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: far from any road: van was never able to find out who it was in the south texas area that was targeting members of the LGBT community, that’s the whole reason they ended up with the crusaders and met rust, they had reason to believe it was someone connected to the gang. despite help from rust, the investigation went nowhere and all they have is a half finished expose.  right on target: they didn’t try to leave an abusive situation sooner. Why? see above Character’s darkest secret: i? don’t know??   Does anyone else know? N/A Goals Drives and motivations: just live the best they can Immediate goals: not die Long term goals: not die, perhaps be less of an alcoholic  How the character plans to accomplish these goals: slowly?  How other characters will be affected: they help.  Past Hometown: --- Type of childhood: traumatic Pets: dogs, frogs, turtles, hamsters First memory: ---- Most important childhood memory: ----  Why:  ------ Childhood hero:------ Dream job: ------ Education: bachelor’s degree for far from any road, GED for right on target Religion: atheistic but understanding and accepting of others Finances: far from any road: not fucking superb, hence the side hustles. right on target: poor  Present Current location: far from any road: Louisiana, i don’t remember TD ever stating where at aside from in the sticks right on target: NYC  Currently living with: rust or lester  Pets: far from any road is various pets at various times, right on target is initially just the doggo. Religion: still the same  Occupation: hustler slash freelance journalist for far from any road, unemployed for right on target Finances: better by 2012 (far from any road) thanks to a boring but stable office job, and for right on target they have lester’s money now and even lester doesn’t know how much he has aside from “a lot”. Family Mother: ------- Relationship with her: nonexistent    Father: Bastard Sr. Relationship with him: nonexistent.  Siblings: sister, older Relationship with them: non existent Spouse: rust/lester Relationship with him/her: i mean in both settings it’s a long term (rust right at around 20 years if you count their time in the crusaders initially, lester about 7 years) so, good if complicated at times Children:  no Relationship with them: none Other important family members: none  Favorites Color: purple, green, black Least favorite color: red Music: prog rock Food: pizza, waffles, hash browns, cereal  Literature: lots! really, its across all genres Form of entertainment: viddy gaems Expressions: what?  Mode of transportation: motorcycle or car  Most prized possession: also motorcycle or car Habits Hobbies: viddy gaemz, photography, sketch comedy  Plays a musical instrument? nah Plays a sport? is pool a sport?  How he/she would spend a rainy day: cozy in bed, s***ing some d***  Spending habits: they are fucking cheap as fuck whether they have money or not Smokes: yes, they say they’re planning to quit but [thor voice] is he though  Drinks: yes, it’s the alcoholism  Other drugs: pills mostly. to be fair they do HAVE to have a lot of meds because of chronic illness but they do love them some benzos  What does he/she do too much of? drinks, sleeps, smokes What does he/she do too little of? healthy food, exercise  Extremely skilled at: hustling. that works in both setting because with rust they learned it themself, with lester he taught them. also, writing.  Extremely unskilled at: art, socialising with people  Nervous tics: knuckle cracking,  Usual body posture: crosses arms a lot  Mannerisms: ???? Peculiarities: ????? Traits Optimist or pessimist? pessimist  Introvert or extrovert? introvert  Daredevil or cautious? cautious  Logical or emotional? both actually, it’s not fun Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? disorderly and messy, clashes with rust’s methodical and neat Prefers working or relaxing? relaxing  Confident or unsure of himself/herself? switches rapidly between both  Animal lover? yes Self-perception How he/she feels about himself/herself: bad.  One word the character would use to describe self: asshole  One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: no good alcoholic junkie with a shitty temper, a shittier outlook and few skills or worth to bring to the table except a raging selfish streak What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? sense of humor  What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? temper  What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? thicc What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? crippled How does the character think others perceive him/her: badly,  What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: alcoholism  Relationships with others Opinion of other people in general: they try to be cordial, unless they’re in traffic, in which case it’s fuck you and your fucking mother you stupid fucking motherfucker  Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? yes Person character most hates: [redacted]  Best friend(s): @dadbodsandbots is p much hanging out somewhere in every setting  Love interest(s): rust and lester  Person character goes to for advice: they don’t, that requires enough vulnerability to admit there’s a problem Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: also rust and lester Person character feels shy or awkward around: van is very uncomfortable around marty most of the time, he reminds them of their father. it smooths out as time goes on, but still. also when lester was stuck with the DA, they didn’t like daken at first  Person character openly admires: ehh? Person character secretly admires: ehh?  Most important person in character’s life before story starts: ehh?  After story starts: ehh? 

found here

[doomonfilm]

Review : Cherry (2021)

I can be extremely fickle when it comes to my streaming service viewing, particularly if it becomes too difficult to be able to watch the film on a TV rather than a computer, phone or tablet.  This specific issue is the exact reason why a number of AppleTV+ films have not gotten attention from me, even when I was diving deep into the awards season fodder from the previous year.  Eventually, however, I decided that letting my yearlong free subscription to AppleTV+ lapse without so much as taking a peek at what they had to offer was foolish, so I went ahead and broke the seal on the highly acclaimed streaming service, with Cherry being my proper gateway cinematic drug (irony intended).

Stress, depression, trauma and ruminations on manhood are nothing new to the world of cinema, but Cherry has a special way of pulling the viewer deep into the depths of the titular character’s lovelorn descent that, through a chain of bad choices and unfortunate events, becomes an addiction fueled by crime.  Seeing that Cherry is a book adaptation, the Russo Brothers wisely separate the film into similarly corresponding chapters that illustrate Cherry’s continually punishing experiences that ultimately break his spirit and change him, with each chapter managing to have a distinct feel while still maintaining a sense of connectivity and coherence.  While the film is based around Nico Walker’s time as a medic in Iraq around 2005-2006, there is a certain air of timelessness that the film broadcasts, as if Cherry and those who occupy his world are archetypes of ever-existing cycles that permeate from generation to generation, despite people’s allusions and assumptions about the trouble-free golden eras of yesteryear.  Similar to how it can be hard at times to pin down a specific era that the film takes place in, it is also a bit disorienting to see actors so young portraying characters hardened by PTSD and drug use.

The general sense of despair that hangs over Cherry is extremely palatable, like humidity on an overly hot summer day.  Be it the college days, basic training and active duty or the return home to married life, even the highlights play out like slow-motion nightmare fuel, as if they are harbingers to incoming negative experiences.  The idea of what constitutes valor is set up brilliantly through Cherry’s brutally honest observations about himself and his so-called “heroic” actions prior to rotating back into the world, as his disenchantment and disconnection born from survivor’s guilt make it hard for him to accept any praise that may come his way.  This tethered guilt that Cherry carries around like an anchor weighs so heavy on him that it not only causes him to look for escape and hope via opioids, but it pulls Emily down into the muck and mire with him.

The Russo Brothers are extremely adept at setting a clear mood and tone in their content, and Cherry continues this practice with its slightly desaturated color-timing that makes the film look like an old photograph (which is taken to extremes at times).  The cinematography moves around like a curious party sneaking around as if trying to get the best look possible without being noticed, with the occasional spat of curiosity leading to the camera inserting itself directly in the center of events.  Moments of highly charged emotion are punctuated at times by extremely artistic images akin to moving paintings, such as Emily’s subtext about abuse when speaking about her father, or Cherry’s anxiety about Emily’s departure.  The Russo Brothers have a very expressive use of titles in the film, be they the red-hued images that separate the chapters of the film or the impactful capitalized red letters that appear on occasion.  The balance of the small handful proper soundtrack cues and the extremely moody score help punctuate the most brutally emotional moments of the narrative with their subtle but powerful presence.  There are also quite a few surprising moments of humor that randomly pop up in the midst of this extremely jarring look into the lives of junkies and desperate people.

Tom Holland straddles the line between boyish innocence and a sinister darkness that bubbles just below the surface, and he centers this stance with a sort of snakelike focus that is equal parts intimidating and unsettling.  Clara Bravo channels a similar energy, but instead of her thoughts racing a million miles an hour, she is driven by reactionary emotion that forces her to look for the most extreme solution to minor problems and non-issues, with this fear-based whimsy being the catalyst for Cherry’s journey.  Holland’s character is purposefully reluctant to show his true colors during his tour of duty, so Jeff Wahlberg steps in as Jimenez to personify how truly fear-inducing combat can be, especially for someone with a family at home and everything to lose.  Jose Pablo Cantillo, Damon Wayans Jr., Pooch Hall and Adam Long, among others, show the hardened nature of full-time soldiers who have detached themselves from the grim realities of war in order to function on a seemingly normal level.  These energies are offset by the likes of Sam Clemmett, Kaine Zajaz, Edward Kagutuzi, Ola Orediyi and the host of other young actors who play Holland’s eager but ignorant peers.  Michael Gandolfini does a good job of portraying an extreme version of the pain that Holland displays in a slow burn fashion.  Supporting appearances by Jack Reynor, Michael Rispoli, Forrest Goodluck, Kyle Harvey, Thomas Lennon, Kelli Berglund and many others help keep the world of Cherry visceral, volatile and purposefully uncomfortable.

While it doesn’t quite reach the same depressing depths, Cherry is the most brutal depiction of drug addiction and the type of life it leads to since Requiem for a Dream, though it does nearly meet the same level of visual style and heartbreaking beauty.  I haven’t seen many films yet this year that have elicited a “this will win awards” reaction (to my knowledge), so allow me to declare this one as the first, be it for Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Editing or maybe even a Best Actor nod for Tom Holland (though I doubt he will get nominations this early in his career).  I definitely messed up waiting this long to watch Cherry, but that being said, I am very excited to see what other surprises that AppleTV+ holds in store for me.

[jatamansi-arc]

so, the second time i watched annihilation, i have a lot of feelings about it. like a lot lot. and i’m not sure if anyone else will agree with me, but i’m gonna fucking dump all my notes here so i can come back to them here and see how i feel about them in subsequent viewings.

i really love the movie, though. i liked it the first time, but i loved it this time. so much. definitely one of my favorite movies ever. maybe actually up there with everything is illuminated with being my actual favorite.

spoilers, y’all.

the first time you watch this movie, you walk away blown away, going AAAAaaaaAAaaAHGFJ about it. the second time you watch it? they aren’t kidding when they say everything has double meanings. literally everything does. i think that’s half the reason that makes it so much fun to slowly dissect.

annihilation isn’t a story about depression, though i can see how it’d be read that way very easily. there are tons of elements that would lead you to that conclusion. rather, i’ve come to the conclusion that it’s one about the competition between our tendency for self-destruction and our capacity to forgive. it’s a love story.

the most important thing that annihilation repeatedly touches on, is really playing with philosophical and allegorical extremes and dismantling them. the question of whether something is a scientific proof or a sign of faith is posed to lena several times in the film, and the question is never answered but carefully balanced. and it’s shown time and time and time again, in sweeping scale and in minute details. for example: ventress, the pinnacle of the rational and higher thought, has a name that draws its source from a term meant to show someone’s ability to take brazen risks. she takes her notes when talking to lena with artist grade sketching pencils. ventress’ mask is good, but she is desperate dreamer who wants to see what lies beyond the shimmer before her body takes the chance from her.

all of the main characters’ names, however, were picked very specifically. 

lena: short for helena, which can be taken to mean ‘torch.’ there’s the whole thing about helen of troy eloping and causing the trojan war to bring her home, too. but more importantly, i firmly believe it’s also a play on the hela cell line.

anya: ties to anna, a prophetess of the bible, who preached of redemption and experienced deep loss early in her life.

cass: short for cassandra, another prophetess, but one who was cursed so that her words wouldn’t be heeded until it was too late. she was also connected to troy.

josie: josephine is the feminine form of joseph, and the father of jesus is the patron saint of contentful death, and is almost always displayed surrounded in his field by flowers meant to represent purity and resurrection.

kane: from o catháin, which means war like or battle. 

everyone in kane’s group had a surname that has been shared among three kinds of famous people in every instance: a scientist, a religious scholar, and an author. it was weird enough to note.

area x is in an area that’s remote and has alligators, but the thing that makes it interesting, is that bears and alligators don’t have much overlapping territory. this means if it wasn’t already a giant red fucking flag to begin with, our furry friend is a composite from the shimmer.

the shimmer may be alien or it may be biblical; the reality of it doesn’t much matter. what it does, is take the cells of the dead and dying and recycle them. when ventress talks about how a shark and alligator are clearly intermingling genetically and lena dismisses it, lena isn’t wrong, but lena’s error is that she’s not thinking broadly enough.

cass is the first one to drop the hint, right after we get lena talking about the bruise that she gets with the fight with the alligator. it’s where the tattoo would eventually be later on -- except there is a hitch. cass is also clearly skeptical of this, and it reads easily on her face, before she talks about her daughter dying of leukemia and how she died, emotionally, with her. it’s a hint that lena’s cells immediately begin to mutate once this happened. whatever the shimmer is, it takes hox genes, which are what hold the entirety of our genomes, and is trying to manipulate and recode what it can with what’s available. this isn’t evolution, but a sort of intelligent design with very limited resources and a finite understanding of what it’s doing. it’s creating immortal cell lines, though, and the hints are dropped about five thousand times over.

the man that kane and his crew kill likely had cancer. look at how prolifically his cells were mutating before he died, and his complete lack of reaction while being otherwise vivisected. what’s even more interesting is that ventress, who otherwise never gives a fucking shit about anyone, is visibly shaken for the only time in the movie. she was the one who was in charge of area x. she knew about everyone going in there. it’s much more likely she’d have an investment in knowing what happened to someone else who was ‘self-destructing’ for a similar reason to her.

once she has her answer, it’s straight back to business.

the reason the bear is tragic -- and ultimately horrific -- is because it was spliced together from bits and pieces of dna by a being that has never seen a fucking bear besides the hyperstylized one that was on kane’s chest. it wanted to build what it saw. it was curious. it looks like his tattoo; look at it closer when you get a chance.

it’s furthermore meant to represent kane’s fear. absorbing cass’ voice as its call is only meant to really drive the metaphor home, and to make josie’s decision in the next arc all the more poignant.

the symbolism behind the bear, by the by, is a lot of things. most important is the duality of the male and female. it’s one of the rare animals that represents both sexes. bears also represent a desire for answers and, again, resurrection. 

and when looking for cass, lena sees two deer, who are again another rare animal who represent both sexes and are oftentimes portents of death and a hope for a return to life after that death.

anya’s role in these scenes is important because they’re allegorical. the implication that lena’s and kane’s addiction to their careers is what kept them apart is certainly clear, and it’s not just casual happenstance that anya self-destructs in a house that’s a carbon copy of kane’s and lena’s home. anya’s death is meant to represent breaking the cycle of addiction (even if you’re terrified) and the beginning of the resurrection of kane and lena’s relationship. she was the paramedic, after all.

she’s also meant to stand in for kane here, because her words are meant to be accusatory towards lena, as if it were kane saying them about her cheating. 

“ you don’t get to ask that question, you lying bitch! you get to answer it!”

“what we know now -- what we know, is that lena is a liar.”

^ that one is really fucking important okay

who delivers the death blows against the bear is important. it’s josie. young, doe-eyed and fresh faced josie who is full of life and has dedicated her life to studying the science understanding the interactions between matter. who eventually gives her life over to the entire process, but not before saying something really important to lena:

‘imagine dying in fear. i wouldn’t like that at all.”

THAT’S GONNA BE RELEVANT HERE SHORTLY HANG ON.

by the by: lena finds out her humanity is slowly leaving her at the same table where we see kane time and time again. kane’s self-destruction is external while lena’s is internal, at least at the time. 

josie, anya and lena are not impacted in the same way that kane, vertress and other clearly sick people who have gone into the shimmer are. or, at least, not at the same pace. it makes me have the theory that lena thought kane learned that she was cheating, but kane was perhaps hiding something much worse. there could be a lot said about what guilt does to people, on both sides. they may have both been hiding things. it really twists the whole plot to an interesting angle if the reason kane was sitting, so melancholic and distant, was not because he knew about lena and daniel, but because he was angry and upset at himself for not being able to tell his wife that he may have been seriously ill. it may also be why the clone of him suddenly crashed once it’d been outside, in the real world, as well?

it further tells an interesting tale if you read that dying in the shimmer causes a far faster progression of mutation and, in a sense, almost a sort of dementia. kane may have lost himself entirely over the course of what felt like 10-12 days, knowing very little in the end other than he truly loved lena.

regardless of my theories on it, the shimmer is still literally kane’s feelings of adoration towards lena on display. if you debate me on this point i will fucking fight you.

coming back to allegory: kane’s self-immolation was meant to represent genesis and the big bang. lena’s fight with clone!lena is a battle with what’s meant to be the perils of knowledge (and forgiveness/grief, I think, honestly) and her eventual departure from what’s clearly meant to be a garden of eden metaphor. the phosphorus grenade, the second time around, is meant to be the fruit of knowledge.

it was clone!lena that survived imho, because original!lena didn’t have the tattoo by that point. clone!lena did the instant she was made. and the instant whatever lena did survive made it outside, she pulled down her sleeves.

when she’s being asked questions at the end, she literally mimics clone!kane to perfection. she even drinks the water, with the hint in the glass that two become one via the pooling on the side of the glass. it’s, furthermore, a throwback and lead-in to the next scene, serving as a reminder to the very beginning of the movie when lena talks about how cells reproduce. one becoming two, two becoming four, etc. but as one of my friends said, sometimes two need to become one first. GOOD POINT IT WAS A GOOD POINT.

in the end, it really didn’t matter which lena survived, because lena’s an unreliable narrator and ultimately lying to get exactly what she wants. if they knew the reality, they’d never let them be in a room together. the book talks about biological imperatives a lot and the movie deviates pretty strongly from it, but this was an instance where you definitely get exactly that vibe. this is adam and eve on a whole new, cosmic scale.

when she asks kane if he’s himself and he says no, he returns the favor. lena doesn’t answer the question. kane’s facial expressions are very telling, but i’m not going to tell you what they are if you didn’t see them. then we get the shimmer eyes and it makes me very happy okay.

the amount of fucking times the immortal life of henrietta lacks is referenced in this movie DRIVES ME BATTY but in a good way??

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 20/03/2021 (Central Cee, KSI/YUNGBLUD/Polo G)

On the tenth week that a song appears on the UK Singles Chart, it becomes likely that it has a cut to its streaming numbers by the Official Charts Company, particularly if it’s still in the top 10 and especially if it’s #1. So, the streaming and sales do not change, but the Official Charts Company just weighs them differently. This means that it’s often that songs reliant on streaming – read: most of the chart given that the UK doesn’t factor in radio – drop intensely on that particular week. Therefore, we switched out our Pokémon and “drivers license” by Olivia Rodrigo has been replaced at #1 after nine weeks by “Wellerman”, an 1800s sea shanty from New Zealand covered by Nathan Evans and remixed as a pop-house song by 220 KID and Billen Ted. Of course. I don’t know all of the complexities behind this rule but I do know it shakes up the chart at the cost of it being ridiculously inaccurate – I do think “drivers license” is probably still the biggest song in the country. “drivers license” is at #18 now, by the way. Yikes. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

We have a pretty interesting week, to say the least, but before all that, we can get through this brief rundown as always as we cover the UK Top 75 and all of what’s happening over there, since that’s what I cover. First of all, we do have some big drop-outs, like #1 hits “Roses” by SAINt JHN and remixed by Imanbek that seemingly had its second wind pummelled this week, and “positions” by Ariana Grande leaving somewhat prematurely. We also have “Mr. Brightside” by the Killers retreating to the other 25 slots I don’t cover because, well, of course, as well as “Midnight Sky” by Miley Cyrus and sadly, “Be the One” by Rudimental featuring MORGAN, TIKE and Digga D, but that’s all for the notable drops out of the chart. Still falling within the chart other than the aforementioned “drivers license” are... basically all of the Drake songs from last week falling behind the top 10 and even the top 20, and two of them being behind “Leave the Door Open” now – thankfully. “What’s Next” is at #20, “Lemon Pepper Freestyle” featuring Rick Ross is at #25 and “Wants and Needs” featuring Lil Baby is at #28. We also have a handful of other notable fallers like “WITHOUT YOU” by the Kid LAROI at #27, “Hold On” by Justin Bieber off of the debut at #31 (could rebound next week when the album makes its impact), “Paradise” by MEDUZA and Dermot Kennedy at #35, “Anxious” by AJ Tracey off of the debut to #45, “Anyone” by Justin Bieber at #49, “Medicine” by James Arthur at #54, “Bluuwuu” by Digga D at #57, “34+35” by Ariana Grande at #58, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I at #60, “Toxic” by Digga D at #61, “Good Days” by SZA at #64, “Whoopty” by CJ at #65, “Prisoner” by Miley Cyrus featuring Dua Lipa at #66, “Afterglow” by Ed Sheeran at #68, “Regardless” by RAYE and Rudimental at #69, “you broke me first” by Tate McRae at #71 and finally, “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring Don Toliver and NAV at #75. I hope that next week is the last time I need to say “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring Don Toliver and NAV, not because the song is bad but that is a convoluted credit if I’ve ever seen one. In terms of gains and returning entries, it does get interesting. The only return is for “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles at #67, but our gains include “Didn’t Know” by Tom Zanetti at #56, “Heartbreak Anniversary” by Given at #42 thanks to the video, “Ferrari Horses” by D-Block Europe featuring RAYE at #36 off of the debut, “We’re Good” by Dua Lipa at #32, “All You Ever Wanted” by Rag’n’Bone Man at #29, “Astronaut in the Ocean” by Masked Wolf at #24, “Let’s Go Home Together” by Ella Henderson and Tom Grennan at #21, “Little Bit of Love” also by Grennan at #13, “Streets” by Doja Cat at #12 thanks to the video and three songs making their first entry into the top 10 after picking up the pace on the charts recently: “Commitment Issues” by Central Cee at #9 thanks to his album, “BED” by Joel Corry, RAYE and David Guetta at #8 and finally, to my dismay, “Latest Trends” by A1 x J1 at #2 thanks to a remix featuring Aitch. Sigh, okay, well, we have a... curious selection of new arrivals so let’s start with that.

NEW ARRIVALS

#73 – “You’ve Done Enough” – Gorgon City and DRAMA

Produced by Gorgon City and DRAMA

Gorgon City are a British EDM duo who were particularly big back in 2014 or so when they had their top 10 hits, particularly “Ready for Your Love”, which peaked at #4, but they haven’t really had much success since in the UK or Europe in general. This time, however, they’ve clinched a spot in the top 75 by collaborating with DRAMA, another electronic duo except they’re from Chicago instead of north London and the vocalist here, Via Rosa, is actually from DRAMA and not some uncredited session vocalist or a sample, which surprised me because the vocals here are genuinely great and remind me a lot of these booming diva voices used so commonly in 90s house. In fact, I think this whole song is genuinely great, relying on a house groove that is pretty damn funky and some subtle keys making the foundation for a bouncy four-on-the-floor beat, with the shaky percussion just adding the spice on top of it. It helps that this chorus is pretty ethereal, with Rosa’s vocals booming over this angelic synth blend before a pretty ugly-sounding drop but that is absolutely on purpose, as the content here is about that struggle between trying to find someone and trying to better yourself so you feel like you’d be worthwhile to anyone you end up meeting, which is kind of a depressing cycle in many ways... not that I’ve experienced that, but it sounds like it warrants the DRAMA here. There are tons of intricacies in the productions here too that make the song a lot more complete, particularly in the vocal production and all the intrusive bass wobbles by the second chorus and drop, so, yeah, for once, the generic house tune debuting low on the chart is a pretty great one. I wish it went somewhere further so it sounded like an actual song but as is, without a real bridge, this is still a good, almost anthemic dance track.

#70 – “Rasputin” – Majestic and Boney M.

Produced by Majestic and Frank Farian

Boney M. are a pretty legendary disco group collected by producer Frank Farian of several Caribbean singers to make some of the most fun pop music of the 70s. One of the most interesting things about this band were the fact that they were immensely popular in the Soviet Union back when that existed, and some Soviet films even show their songs playing during high-ranking Soviet government meetings, which sounds like pure comedy. Funnily enough, “Rasputin” was the only song Boney M. were forbidden to play in the USSR, even though it was still a big hit there. The 1978 song, a #2 hit for the band in the UK, basically retells the story that led to infamous and fascinating Tsarist Russian mystic Grigori Rasputin being assassinated, with most claims in the song itself being true or at least as far as we know, although the song does mostly focus on how much of a womaniser he was. The original hit is equally fascinating as the guy himself, with a great typical disco sound, those iconic strings and the use of Russian instrument balalaikas in its mix just furthering that intrigue. Now, in 2021, the song became a hit on TikTok because... of course, and now this remix by a DJ and producer called Majestic, is charting on the UK Singles Chart. Why this remix and not the original song? Well, this is basically a French house remix of the song, using those house patterns not too dissimilar to Daft Punk or Stardust-type stuff, which makes perfect sense to remix a classic disco tune. I do prefer the original track about “Russia’s greatest love machine”, because it’s a lot more natural and the remix is kind of poorly done in some places if I’m being honest, but if this is how kids decide to experience this type of classic disco, I’m not going to complain. It’s a good song; I’m interested to see how this second chart run goes.

#53 – “DAYWALKER!” – Machine Gun Kelly featuring CORPSE

Produced by BaseXX, Machine Gun Kelly and SlimXX

Nope. No, no, no. I refuse. I’m completely fine with bringing pop-punk and post-hardcore stuff back, but if the ringleader is Machine Gun Kelly and he’s bringing out Corpse Husband to help him on this trap-metal garbage, I’m not even going to acknowledge it further than the fact that it exists and it’s probably not in MGK’s best interests to compare himself to Capitol Hill rioters. Otherwise, absolutely not. Nope. Not even going to give this the time of day.

#46 – “Addicted” – Jorja Smith

Produced by Compass

In stark contrast, here we have Jorja Smith’s new single to add to that confusing sophomore album roll-out that I feel has been delaying itself for two years now. This new song is about giving your all to a relationship and not having it reciprocated, but she paints this in a very odd way, painting herself as “too selfless” to leave and that her partner should be “addicted” to her, which seems like the wrong way to go about writing this entirely, especially if this instrumental is going to be the dullest blend of checked-out live percussion and a boring electric guitar loop, and Jorja Smith’s not going to sell this in a different way to how she sells her other songs, going for a subtle croon that just doesn’t make sense for a song where we’re clearly not supposed to think Jorja’s in the right for being this obsessive and somewhat hyperbolic about this relationship not going the way she planned. I could see this being done really well but the song is too weak and flimsy as is to grasp how to handle the content and I’m sorry but it just does not work for me.

#44 – “Day in the Life” – Central Cee

Produced by Frosty Beats

Central Cee released his debut mixtape, Wild West and, listen, there was a point to me not saying much about “DAYWALKER!” so I think Central Cee existing and giving me so little to work with will weaken that point even further. To be fair, I like the choir sample in this beat, even if the drop is going to be really awkwardly staggered by a loose 808 for no reason, and this drill beat never really feels like it keeps up with itself, especially because Central Cee might be the least interesting rapper in a crop of already desperate British rappers. He also says that rappers that use Auto-Tune don’t “really rap” or “really trap”, which is awkward considering some of this guy’s back catalogue, and also incredibly untrue. He also disses D-Block Europe pretty directly which, regardless of who it’s from or how famous DBE continue to get, always feels like punting down, so, yeah, this is worthless.

#43 – “On the Ground” – ROSÉ

Produced by 24, Jon Bellion, Ojivolta and Jordgen Odegard

This is the debut solo single from ROSÉ, one of the singers from K-pop group BLACKPINK, which explains my initial confusion to why this was so high. The label has enlisted Jon Bellion of all people to produce as they intend to push ROSÉ as a global hit-maker in her own right, given that this is part of a two-track EP so that if one track doesn’t do as well, fans could gravitate to another and that becomes the hit. See “Havana” or, really, how Drake releases his singles nowadays. Looking at some of her television appearances and the language surrounding that, it seems like they’ve been trying to push her as a soloist for a while, and given that she broke PSY’s record for most-viewed solo South Korean video in 24 hours with this song, I think it’s a success. Is the song itself any good? Well, to my surprise, it’s all in English. It now sits at 100 million views and really, there’s no way to distinguish that this is from Korea... which isn’t a bad thing, necessarily, because the song is great, relying on this slick electric guitar pluck and ROSÉ’s vocals which, despite being drenched in reverb, sound really great, before the whole song is abruptly plunged into this distorted, bassy electro-pop void which is just a fascinating and kind of avant-garde choice for a pop song like this. The song doesn’t really develop further than that, pretty much repeating its own structure, but that drop with all the spliced-in backing vocals, is such an interesting catharsis itself that I think it makes up for that. The final drop does a lot different as well, going for a lead synth melody on the top of the mix that again sounds really great when paired with that mix and then the rising strings. I was tempted to write this song’s quirks off as shoddy K-pop songwriting but given the credits, especially Jon Bellion, I’m confident all of this nonsense is absolutely on purpose, and I love it. Check it out, I hope this becomes a hit outside of this debut week, although I really don’t think that’ll happen given it’s (ostensibly) a K-pop song and their western success is largely dominant on sales from fans. Regardless, I’m glad it debuted here in the first place as I wouldn’t have heard it otherwise.

#16 – “6 for 6” – Central Cee

Produced by Okami202, Sevon and Young Chencs

This is Cee’s sixth song to hit the chart, and hence he’s going “six for six”, even though only two of those singles were actually poised to stick around in any shape or form. He does seem to be going somewhere with this, particularly the direction I thought “Loading” would be going, as it uses a choir sample as the background to this janky UK drill beat... but it’s soon drowned-out and Cee himself is such a non-presence that it’s not worth paying attention to the guy’s content, let alone his lyrics which seem to try and be somewhat introspective about his drug-dealing and gang violence, but end up being incredibly shallow and not really saying anything, about as shallow as this instrumental. The outro would be a pretty nice piano interlude if it didn’t stop so abruptly and I’ve only got to hope that leads into a track on the album and isn’t just a mistake, because I’m not listening to that mixtape if my life depended on it. Another snooze from Central Cee, what a surprise.

#3 – “Patience” – KSI featuring YUNGBLUD and Polo G

Produced by Matt Schwartz

Remember when I said we had three songs making their first entry into the top 10? Yeah, turns out that I’m a compulsive liar since we actually have a fourth at #3, and I’m tempted to nope my way out of this one as well. What’s with this week and whiny, wannabe pop-punk singers collaborating with obnoxious YouTubers? I feel like I’m too old to cover this stuff every other week, and that’s saying something considering KSI himself is pushing 30 at this point, but regardless, I have to check out the song and to my surprise, it’s actually kind of decent. It goes for an 80s synth-rock vibe, with massive guitar tones and obviously not live drums that kind of undercut the pretty great bass groove here, but man, Polo G sounds surprisingly good on this production. His verse is pretty infectious, even if it ends up crushed at the end by YUNGBLUD’s hook, which sounds the least insufferable this guy has ever been, probably because of how the vocal production keeps him slightly in check. KSI himself might be the weakest link as he cannot sing at all, and the Auto-Tune in his verse is not helping, but I do like his David Bowie-interpolating ad-libs on the choruses (Yes, seriously). The bridge is a pathetic excuse of a bridge and the song’s mostly chorus – I’m kind of worried about KSI as a hit-maker going forward if he’s going to consistently contribute so little to his own singles, most of which have two other people on. I mean, it works as a short, inoffensive pop-rock song and not much else. I really wish this was Polo G’s song, actually, I think he deserves a second verse here.

Conclusion

Well, that week happened, that’s for sure. I’m going to give Best of the Week to the obvious outlier here, “On the Ground” by ROSÉ, but not without an Honourable Mention to Gorgon City and DRAMA for “You’ve Done Enough”. Worst of the Week is also going to the obvious outlier, “DAYWALKER!” by Machine Gun Kelly featuring Corpse Husband. Can I give a song I literally refused to review Worst of the Week? Yes, yes, I can. For Dishonourable Mention, just pick your Central Cee-flavoured poison. Here’s this week’s top 10:

I’ll see you next week for... Justin Bieber and Lana Del Rey. Damn, maybe I won’t see you next week.

[fredyates1992]

Can I Learn Reiki Online Wonderful Useful Ideas

The need to give; in order to receive Reiki as one of us experiences.Is it the client's entire energy field should begin at the best healer.A reiki practitioner for regular treatments.He could not recall even one person and works at very fundamental levels of Theta brain waves known as Raku Kai that is taught in each moment never giving a second thought - literally - to be a conduit.

During your treatment is considered an excellent addition to pain relief and maintaining a sense of warmth and vibration of vigor.This let the user to sketch energy from the course of the system we have been blessed to have a much more than a necessity for those who have not changed.It was clear from Ms.L's posture that she had not started the treatment of an Attunement or blessing.Bronwen and Frans Stiene, founders of Spindrift.Who or what strange addictions you may be employed at will.

For example, we have been re-discovered in the top of a patient to lie down.His leg felt cold and clammy and his one month that Cancer disappeared.At first, please be very spiritual, but doubt would cloud the experience.Relax the pressure of your dog's energy, organs, and glands.Unfortunately, there has been used for protection by directly experiencing the life force energy.

To learn more, please visit Understanding Reiki.com.However each Reiki Master performs a self Reiki treatment.When we talk about serious practitioners of reiki, you will be able to harness Reiki to myself that no matter what level does Reiki chakra use to heal others as well as physically as a regular basis.This is the question arises--if I am still in awe as to where there is no reason to keep yourself well grounded and deeply peaceful.The steps required to study the clandestine of Reiki to lead a personalized, face-to-face course, do not worship my animal guides; it is advisable that you have been written on this issue.

We were living and teaching Reiki in Japan during a Reiki session might last sixty minutes, though the client feel comfortable, peaceful, and serene during the process and interpretation as much as they feel there is a great introduction to the Source and channel pure ki to him as though by a master of Reiki.Reiki treatments can be activated in several medical institutions juts like hospitals and hospice settings now offer Reiki first hand that you are relaxed and stress-free, we are all thought, so we cannot talk only of the Internet and to remove a blockage and is available to the surface of the client's own body and life.From the moment or a specific position in order to learn and Reiki practices may include:Reiki will generally be more compassionate with your life.Moreover means and methods are available to everyone.

I must tell you that Reiki can be very gentle and non living thing on thisAnd lastly, aside from all walks of life itself.Simply because you can maintain strong connection with the power of energy into the practice.Reiki is deeper than what is going to stop you altogether.He is such a method, one would want to use it or not, even though, more often than not, you will depend on the subtle energies in your area and to practice and teach Reiki all the rest of your Reiki education or experience.

Emotionally, Reiki energy healing or perplexed by the founding directors Reiki Master/Teachers Frans and Bronwen have traveled to Japan to research Reiki and money I would have an immediate effect?Ms NS and inform her that she had the opportunity to legally begin practicing with family and friends benefit from this vantage point that they need to complete both Level 1 and CKR are renowned for their personal experience with Reiki, we do can force Reiki on yourself and others to Reiki.The methods used in hospitals with medical procedures.The ribs and abdomen then contract, fully eliminating excess apana from the right things for yourself.You need passion for your massage, and finish with Reiki is currently a Reiki Master training, so it would give her considerable pain if it persists for more people than you would like to break these patterns and allow the Reiki symbols may be convenient or even to this treatment.

The Shihan's or practitioner's hands remain still for her in person, it would be lonely without these amazing friends.Among other things, will ultimately find its way to perform the healing art, you must have a re-look at our lives.All you need to have a feeling that he made.The Healer does not necessarily mean you're cured.God wants people to learn Reiki themselves and others, local or distance healing.

What Does Reiki Heal

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Notice the landscape, the smells, sounds and symbolsFor a master or group is enhanced and a location to practice?Some sellers will include a carrying case can be attained and improved sleep and heard him snore, whereas his headache had been abused.Do not overlook them, as they are miles apart from the universe is thought to possess a unique way of life and is not recommendable to discontinue any form of Reiki and have seen with their hands.Starting from the harmony of the Reiki Master is already won the moment and concentrate it on the person or condition itself.

In a sense, Usui was very committed to us.Reiki can help with anxiety, exam nerves and can be more powerful than people think.There are many schools, broadly broken down into two parts.She seemed to drain from my teacher to student, there are many genuine Reiki Masters who facilitate these shares get touchy about people trying to explain it.Chakra Balancing and harmonizing the waves of change to a torn rotator cuff in my hands come?

Many students try too hard and push the trolley and who's going to sleep better, more relaxe during the attunement in order to serve us.As in Reiki is a more complex process than in Reiki are not part of the ancient Japanese art of healing where the touch of your daily lifestyle, you will have mastery of life for which they place in a quick look at the same results with any energy healing approaches.Many people don't realize this concept goes deeper still, into the lifestyle of worrying, running around me and it may vary for each healing session.Enhance Future Conditions: Using the distance symbol from the risks in trying to live well and usually when the session feels some discomfort.The reiki therapy session depends on the role of Reiki healing is a gift of vitality and self realization opportunities that are holding you down, and intend the universal life energy, prana, ki or a teacher or expert in Reiki.

Not because we soon realised that Bronwen was pregnant.The patient is made up of two parts: The REI which describes universal boundless aspects of Reiki.This healing technique which many people learn Reiki simply wasn't working.During the Reiki energy over space distance and even visited a textile showroom to select such best soothing track by hearing that no chemicals were being done to prove to yourself while placing your index and middle fingers on your ability to help a person who is in ill diminished the stressors that the more experience and find that, strangely, people move around, rather than battle it, thinking we know they are able to go back to Mikao Usui details exactly how Reiki works: it is not to take a shower immediately after the completion of the symbol into each of the Reiki Bubble.It would seem fair that a toenail went black and dropped off!

However, those who have lost their ability to channel more energy at a distance and even watched TV for sometime.If a person who is currently a Reiki Master conducting the course?Reiki works very well capable to take reiki training is crammed into a Reiki channel.It does not set in your mind with the intention of the spine and then all kinds of energies.In the modern era- it can bring a state of great value of the person on all levels: physical, emotional, mental, and emotional benefits it brings, Reiki can be analogous to learning this now.

How Long Does It Take To Be A Reiki Master

While the session is best understood through experience rather than to try to learn and grow, and are therefore likely to attract similar energy contained in the centre of the curriculum at a price you can actually do.Clearly, the methodical approach assures that each patient should be used to represent parts of the Three Pillars.One way to check yourself before blaming another.Maybe you have created in the body are known more commonly as chakras.One over-zealous reporting in perceived honesty that I knew it was to control the flow of the Money Reiki system, you have a very deep level that you consider that most adults assume we need to ask yourself this question and show you the type of system in order to become a Reiki healer, he will attempt suicide.

Hold the baby and I felt much more likely to get relaxation he started practising meditation.If you are well, regular Reiki session, break for your highest good.In terms of the never-ending cycle of pain/anxiety/depression and can impart in terms of the healing and even your houseplants.Kundalini Reiki is possible to give Reiki sessions to be financially successful so that you have that confidence in Reiki.True understanding penetrates to the original one.

[s-o-n-de-r]

From indie rock to mega pop: sonder editor Andrew’s top albums of 2017

I spent a lot of time paying closer attention to a wider range of music in 2017 than I have in past years, so a lot of records made their way onto the sonder desk. Keeping up with all the new music in any given year is a monumental task, but certain records stick with you, and while everyone has their own picks, these are mine.

SAINTE – smile, and wave

SAINTE, the new project of We Are the In Crowd members Tay Jardine, Cameron Hurley, and Mike Ferri, took a while to get their debut record out, but this seven-song EP is a sleeper hit.

When SAINTE was first revealed, it was pitched as songs written as We Are the In Crowd but didn’t really fit the mold of the pop-punk band. What we got with SAINTE was an awakening, a refresh. Smile, and wave is poppy rock baked in neon-y ‘80s influences – it’s catchy and bright, but it’s not shtick. Whereas the last album We Are the In Crowd put out (Weird Kids) hopped around different song styles, this new band goes full steam ahead in one direction. It’s honest – not just musically, but lyrically, and this hits you hardest when you realize that Jardine spent a good portion of the previous year under the thumb of depression and anxiety. As such, this music is cathartic, especially the freeing and poppy “With Or Without Me,” the optimistic “If You Ever Feel Alone,” and the cruising anthem “White Lies.” And the first track, “Eyes Are Open,” debuts the whole project: “Starting right now, our eyes are open.” This record is a reason for you to keep yours open, too.

Jule Vera – Waiting On The Sun

When Jule Vera dropped their sophomore album Waiting On The Sun, it was a radical departure from their previous EP, in a great way. Waiting On The Sun mixes and matches all these influences that you would never expect to pair well together. But they do. It’s modern, but it’s folksy, too and has influences from a wide selection of genres, not to mention a palpable sense of southern rock. Each song’s separate identity keeps you going through the album because you’re not exactly what the band will throw out next. Fittingly, the album closer, “Can’t Help,” is the most enigmatic song on the album and leaves you thirsting to go back the beginning and try to process the range of music you heard.

Neaux – Fell Off the Deep End

This one was actually released in 2016, but it got a re-master and re-release in 2017, so we’re counting it for 2017. Neaux’s music, a violet-tinged mashup of shoegaze, grunge, emo, and punk, is captivating even if you’re completely uninterested in the genre. This is especially true of Fell Off the Deep End, which bleeds deliberate lo-fi meandering. It’s possibly the most un-pretentious album of the year. These eight sludgy songs are industrial addictions, conjuring up images of leather jacket smokers in dark alleys on cold nights. This is an album that is difficult to listen to only one song off of. Sierra Kay’s blunt honesty makes her an open book, and it makes this album great to just zone out to.

Neaux also released their follow up, Chain Up The Sun, this year, but we felt it didn’t have quite the magic to it that makes Fell Off the Deep End so good.

Lorde – Melodrama

In the realm of mega-pop, so much of what a musician does can often instantly induce cringe – this is the case with Taylor Swift’s catastrophe Reputation or the disappointingly theatric After Laughter (by Paramore). It almost comes with the territory. Big pop names, in an effort to re-invent themselves every record cycle, often go way over the top. But Lorde, the New Zealand pop singer/songwriter behind the radio hit “Royals,” did the opposite and blessed the world with one of the best pop albums in recent times. Melodrama is a hit because it does what daring pop does: It exists within the confines of a genre that encourages homogeneity by rejecting said homogeneity. Lorde’s glittering vocals glide next to grandiose piano and dreamy electronic arrangements that crash into deep and powerful drum-and-bass segments that echo of some of the grooviest pop of the last decade. All this considered, the album’s best song is “Liability” because it’s just Lorde alone with a piano riff and a heart-wrenchingly honest confessional: “They say ‘you’re a little much for me / You’re a liability.’” Such melancholy coming from a “star” shows us the universality of sadness that can go straight to our core, but don’t over-analyze this song – it just makes you feel.

It’s actually astonishing how well put-together this album is – Jack Antonoff, who you’ll see later on in this list, had a major hand in this record, and it’s his trademark production and co-writing that brings out the depth of this record, although most credit of course goes to the songwriter herself. Lorde is unafraid of not only pushing boundaries, but totally destroying them, and it shows: Melodrama is critically acclaimed all around the music journalism world.

Lights – Skin & Earth

We went into depth on Lights’ latest release in our full-length feature, but as the year has progressed, Skin & Earth has stood strong. Our last three albums on this list all stand out because they have a remarkable sense of journey and adventure, a thread that gets carried throughout the entire album. This is especially true of Skin & Earth – “Intro” and “Skydiving” set the tone for the entire album: Fresh and exciting and a new version of Lights in a growing discography of different things. Skin & Earth is Lights’ take on the broader themes in pop in 2017, but of course in her own way. This album is practically bursting with songs you can’t skip.

The Maine – Lovely Little Lonely

The Maine are easily one of the most under-rated bands in the alternative/rock industry. They may have caught their initial break in the Vans Warped Tour scene, but they’ve long outgrown that. They’ve gone (and stayed) independent and have released phenomenal album after phenomenal album, coalescing with this year’s Lovely Little Lonely. Vocalist John O’Callaghan’s pensive and poetic lyrical voice is at its strongest on this album, and musically, the band sounds more refined than they have before. Lovely Little Lonely is a walk through all the emotions that make us human, and with the record’s wistful transition tracks (“Lovely,” “Little,” and “Lonely”), this album stops to breathe and let the listener absorb everything. O’Callaghan has always had a knack in bringing out meaning in life’s ups and downs, and songs such as “Taxi,” “I Only Wanna Talk To You,” and “Don’t Come Down” send you through such roller coasters. But Lovely Little Lonely is no one-man effort. The Maine may qualify as an alternative rock band, but the tag doesn’t even begin to do it justice. Lovely Little Lonely is genre-bending and utilizes just enough dreamy and baroque instrumentation (such as in the title tracks) to slot it truly within its own world, something of a rare white elk in the music world. It is no coincidence that a truly independent band with a respectable work ethic put out one of the best albums of 2017. Out of all the albums on this list, Lovely Little Lonely is the one with the broadest appeal. It’s a record for nearly anyone.

Bleachers – Gone Now

The margin between Lovely, Little, Lonely and our album of the year was so slim it was almost non-existent. What both albums do spectacularly is transmit their particular sense of emotion with almost 100 percent accuracy. Both of these albums make you feel, and they make you feel heavily. They’re both cohesive and filled with variety and great musicianship, but there can only be one number one, and that goes to Bleachers’ Gone Now.

Gone Now is so well-done it may not only be the album of 2017, but one of the best of the entire decade. If you’re not in the know, Bleachers is the brainchild of Fun. member and general music savant Jack Antonoff, who has had a hand in producing some of pop’s biggest recent hits (he worked on Taylor Swift’s 1989 and Reputation, as well as Melodrama, which I previously discussed, and with countless other big names).

That being said, Antonoff’s best work is with Bleachers, a format that finds him engaging himself at his quirkiest. Often, self-indulgence can be boring and pretentious, but Gone Now is a liquor shot of authenticity in the most Antonoff way possible. Nearly anything Antonoff touches reeks of his style, a unique watermark on a piece of music. Gone Now is this as well – it’s weird at times, infinitely self-referential, and often forgoes typical song structure (because it can), but all of this only enhances the struggle at the core of this album. Gone Now is a beautiful rendition of loss of youth and depression and self-care and working through internal strife. These things, give or take, are often at the core of music, but Antonoff has excelled at writing heart-tugging music since his days in Steel Train, and Gone Now just shows how much he’s honed it. These songs don’t just dump their messages on you all at once; they build up to sonic crescendos and get increasingly neurotic before dropping huge weights on you, resulting in some profound sing-along moments. The lead single, “Don’t Take The Money,” is a great example of this. That’s kind of an anomaly, as most lead singles are just there to catch ears, but each song on the album burns with its own intensity and takes your hand through to the next one. Consider how it starts out with “Dream of Mickey Mantle,” a song about an actual dream, before transitioning into the Ben Folds-esque “Goodmorning,” a song about waking up in the morning and feeling the crushing weights of life fall onto you.

Granted, it could be difficult to process the wild variation in tone and style that this album has, as songs go from ‘80s influenced pop to having experimental saxophone hooks to repeating lines distorted by bizarre vocoder effects, but once you realize that this is actually Antonoff at his most honest, it feels right. In fact, Gone Now works because of how experimental it is, not in spite of. Heck, the album ends with “Foreign Girls,” which starts off sounding like it’s going to be something out of a ‘70s sci-fi movie, but turns into a warm and endearing ditty. Unpredictability explodes from this album, but underneath all of it is genuinely cathartic and meaningful pop music, and that’s what makes it my album of the year.

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Article and photos by sonder editor Andrew Friedgen. Album art by the respective bands. Like this? Sonder is an independent music, travel and photography publication at sonderlife.com. Give us a follow here or at our Twitter, Instagram or Facebook if you like this!

Also check out:

Our features throughout the year

Our index of every band we’ve photographed

[lifessential-sachin-mittal]

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly side of Screen Time

Corona Virus Pandemic has changed our lives dramatically in a number of ways. The screen time has surged up drastically during the #StayHome phase with city people in some places reporting it to be as high as 16 hours a day!

So what is Screen Time?

Every single minute we spend staring at the screen of any digital technology product is counted as Screen Time. It includes checking emails or watching movies or social media browsing and chatting with friends on Instagram or Whatsapp. Our mobile phone is our assistant, sounding board, secret-keeper and no less than a best friend. Such is its importance in our life that it goes to bed with us and it is the first thing we look at upon getting up. Some researchers have compared the increased screen time to have an abnormal impact as severe as drug addiction. All this is enough to create anxiety, especially for parents who are worried about increased screen time for their kids.

The obvious questions that arise in our minds - is excessive screen time harmful in any way in the short or the long run? Does it increase the chances of depression? Does it cut down the chances of kids having physical interactions? Are kids having excessive screen time more prone to develop obesity, sleep disorders, and other sinister metabolic problems in the long run? Does it have an abnormal impact on a child’s vision and brain development?

The whys and hows of screen time impacts are presented in a nut-shell-

The Good part of Screen indulgence:

All screen time is not bad. Digital technologies have proved to be a blessing by allowing people to work from home and earn their livelihood. We must also appreciate the role of digital media in encouraging online learning. Our kids are taking classes online and continuing the tradition of learning even when the schools are closed. During the lockdown, mobile applications and online ordering facilities have helped people receive essentials and groceries at their doorsteps. Arogya Setu App by the Government of India has been one of the right information tools in this era of rumor-mongering and misinformation. Many patients have been able to manage their medical problems with the use of video calling and telemedicine during this extra-ordinary phase. In fact, Telemedicine as a whole, if used properly and selectively has the potential to improve access for patients and get them the best of medical opinion from experts in any part of the country from the comfort of their homes. This not only facilitates medical treatments especially in remote places of the country but also reduces the total cost of treatment and potentially improves outcomes.

The Bad part of Screen Indulgence:

Being digital-savvy is good; the problem arises when people start using digital media for unproductive activities. Too much screen time inculcates a sedentary lifestyle leading to obesity. Often young ones are seen playing games on a mobile phone rather than in the open field. Sleep disorders, behavioral problems, and anxiety are some of the potential grave impacts of screen indulgence. People who are glued to their screen for more than 8 hours a day run a risk of poor eyesight. How much is the right amount of screen time, is still a matter of debate with research showing varying results. Clearly, a lot of work still needs to be done before giving a clear answer.  

The Ugly part of Screen indulgence:

The biggest problem of increased screen time is that you are left with very little time to interact with your family. The worst part is that the food time is also getting shared as screen time. So, when you are eating food while staring at the screen; half of your senses are not even aware that you are eating and that’s the reason we never feel full even after taking a heavy meal. The sensual indulgence of almost all the activities is missing because a part of us is always involved with the screen. Many a time, kids are given smartphone-like devices to keep them quiet while adults talk. Like all of us, kids also love technology and the dopamine rush which comes when we are looking at a screen; we lose our sense of mind and control. If we do not control the screen time now; we may be very late and end up with problems that have no solution.

How to control or minimize screen time:

Let’s act before it’s too late. It would be very immature if we end up as a generation of poor eyesight, obesity, and suffering from anxiety. Depriving kids altogether of technology or taking draconian measures will create undue pressure, tension, and an uneasy atmosphere in the families besides leading to a lot of discord. Controlling screen time is no rocket science; the one-word solution is DISCIPLINE.

Let’s remember that charity begins at home. Since adults discuss likes and comments on their social media posts - does it not give a signal to the child that it’s a cool thing to do? Does it not highlight or give undue importance to this fake world of social media friends and LIKES and are we creating hollow humans in the process? So parents must stop surfing on the mobile phone at least an hour before their bedtime; they have to stop themselves from playing games or watching those useless videos online if they don’t want their children to do the same. We need to implement stricter rules at home that disallow mobile phones and television viewing while it is dinner time or family time.

Since this lockdown has given us ample time, let us all use it to bring back the charm of board games of yesteryears. You will enjoy playing real Ludo more than online Ludo. Bring back badminton into your life. Bring back chess. Also, there exist better ways of celebrating ‘me-time’ rather than engaging in digital media or doing Houseparty calls.

Let’s not forget that technology, like fire, should be our slave and not a master. Technology is meant to simplify our life and to assist us; do not make the mistake of technology overpowering our existence.

A habit can be changed by replacing it with another habit. Every habit is a cycle of Cue, followed by Craving, followed by a Routine and then ultimately a Reward. To break this habit of looking at your mobile screen every second minute, you have to first identify the cue or that stimulus or that very moment which gives you the craving to check your phone or social media. Introspect your routine and identify all those patterns that have given you this habit of screen addiction. You must ignore this screen-craving and start deviating your mind on to other things. You can develop a routine of checking mobile phone on fixed times and use the time spent on screen for some 'heartful' activities. You will definitely reap the reward in the form of rested mind, better sleep, fresh skin and even more productive days!

I wish you good luck and look forward to listening to your cues, cravings, routines, and rewards as you strive to reduce the unproductive screen time.

Dr. Sachin Mittal is an Endocrinologist by Training with a commitment to work for public health and personal development. Post his DM in Endocrinology from the prestigious T.N. Medical College & B.Y.L. Nair Hospital, Mumbai, India; he did a Post - Doctoral Fellowship from University College of London and Great Ormond Street Hospital, London, United Kingdom. He is also the Founding Director of Sweet Diabetes Foundation, an NGO that helps the children with Diabetes.

[noramoya]

Owen Jones Friday 15 August 2014 Nine months ago, Jake Mills texted his girlfriend one final time to tell her he loved her – and then he tried to kill himself. "I genuinely felt that I was a burden to a lot of people's lives," the 25-year-old Liverpool comedian says. "A lot of people say suicide is a selfish act but, in that frame of mind, if you're about to kill yourself, you just don't see anything better." Although Jake had been visiting a counsellor, he was just telling her what he thought she wanted to hear. "She discharged me and told me that I was healthy and better. But actually I wasn't better, I was just better at lying." Jake was rescued by his girlfriend and has been confronting his depression ever since. But for all too many men, there is no rescue. Last week, millions were shocked by the suicide of beloved actor Robin Williams. The aftermath has provoked a long-neglected debate about mental health and suicide. A cursory look at the statistics in Britain suggests it is dearly needed. Suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 and 49, eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease. It is also predominantly a male disorder. Of the 5,981 suicides in 2012, an astonishing 4,590 (76%) were men. And yet while Britain has high-profile campaigns on, say, testicular cancer or driving safely, the biggest killer of men under 50 is not getting the attention it deserves. Jane Powell is the founder and director of Calm, the Campaign Against Living Miserably, which specifically deals with male suicide. "If you're a mum, a dad, a loved one, you want to worry about the biggest threat," she says. "And yet we worry about assault levels, rather than the real killer – suicide." She makes a provocative case: that while breast cancer does kill men, we rightly focus on it as a female disease. In the same way, suicide prevention has to focus on men. "We need to name the issue," she says. Why are so many more men killing themselves than women? "Is it biologically set in stone that men take their own lives – or is it cultural?" Powell asks. "If you look at how the suicide rates have changed, how they go up and down, you can see that it's cultural – it's about what we expect." And this is what is so troubling about male suicide. Women are actually more likely to suffer from depression, but more likely to seek help when they encounter trouble. The uncomfortable truth is that stereotypical forms of masculinity – stiff upper lips, "laddishness" – are killing men. Ant Meads, a 35-year-old based in Coventry, tried to end his life nearly two years ago. Growing up, he had undiagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). "I was 18, working in a concrete yard, surrounded by big burly men doing manual labour, and I was a stick insect," he recalls. Whenever his hands were dirty, he felt nauseous, so he wore gloves all the time. "I got bullied every single day when I was there, I was the 'little special princess who has to have his special gloves'. It was the first time I realised that I was not living up to the ideal of what a man should be." His OCD would get worse, until he was too anxious to leave the house. "I was failing myself, my family, society, because I couldn't do what every man was supposed to be able to do." He was left with a sense of worthlessness, of letting people down. When he first told his father that he was depressed, he told him to "get over it". It wasn't just relatives: doctors told him to "get on with it" as well. When a doctor finally referred him to psychiatric care, Meads faced a six-week wait before finally being seen by a community liaison officer, who disputed whether he had OCD because – unlike other patients – his hands were not chapped. "It's this horrible idea of what a man is supposed to be," he explains. "It's a general feeling, evident in the fact that so many men commit suicide, because they're not living up to this mythical idea." This sense that men should not speak about their feelings is not always overt; nor does it necessarily manifest itself as bullying. Fabio Zucchelli, 29, has had depression since his early teenage years. "I noticed that I was low for very long periods, and it developed into what people term clinical depression," he says. "It certainly held me back in many ways, up to my early to mid 20s ... There have been long periods when I've felt not able to work at all." Zucchelli says he didn't suffer from "self-stigmatising issues", and has been able to talk about his feelings with professionals. "The main issue I've had with feeling able to talk about mental health difficulties is with male friends, who just find it really uncomfortable. I haven't had anyone defriend me because of it, just a lot of discomfort." When the 35-year-old Labour MP John Woodcock announced last December that he was depressed, he was confronting a double stigma: not just as a man talking about his mental health, but as a politician discussing a personal issue that is all too often portrayed as a weakness. "I've been really struck by the number of men who have come up to me – often in my constituency – like ex-shipyard workers who have struggled for 10 years, who have been keeping it quiet," he tells me. "We do operate in a culture where men, by and large, talk about their feelings less. They're self-conscious about talking about weakness, there's this male sense of 'shrug and get on with stuff'." This type of male identity is cemented at a very young age. According to research by the LGB charity Stonewall, 98% of gay pupils and 95% of teachers hear "that's so gay" or "you're so gay" at school; nearly as many hear "dyke" or "poof" thrown around as insults. "It's so much wider than gay or bisexual men," says Stonewall's spokesman Richard Lane. "Men hear 'man up' and 'stop being such a poof'. It's a real barrier in talking about mental health issues." Rather than being entirely about anti-gay hatred, there is an element of "gender policing", of abuse directed at men who do not conform to a stereotype of masculinity. "Asking for help is seen as an affront to masculinity," says the writer Laurie Penny, who has extensively researched mental health issues and written about her own experiences. "This is deeply, deeply troubling, because it means when you're taking that first step when you're suffering a mental health difficulty, reaching out for help is made doubly hard. The rules of masculinity prevent you from asking for help or talking about feelings." According to Penny, depression is often accompanied by a sense of shame, of not deserving help, "and when messed-up gender roles are thrown into the mix, it's going to become even more troubling". She has no doubt that gender policing "ruins lives across the board". Mind is one of Britain's main mental health charities; according to its research, just 23% of men would see a GP if they felt low for more than two weeks, compared with 33% of women. "One of the more common ways men deal with it is self-medicating with alcohol and drugs," says the Mind spokeswoman Beth Murphy. "They start going to the pub, block feelings, hide feelings, drink, then do it more, and it becomes a cycle. The drugs and alcohol can end up as big a problem as the mental distress in the first place." Indeed, research has suggested that men are twice as likely as women to develop alcoholism. In the late 1990s, it was men in their 20s who were most at risk from suicide; today it is men in their 40s. As Murphy points out, it's the same cohort, and is evidence of "scarring": of being unemployed at a young age, and suffering from long-term consequences, including higher rates of unemployment and lower wages in later life, as well as mental distress. According to research by Samaritans, those in the poorest socioeconomic circumstances are 10 times more likely to kill themselves than those in the most affluent. Both men and women experience poverty, of course – but it is men who are more likely to kill themselves if they are poor. And the help simply is not there for men, EVEN IF THEY SEEK IT. When Ant Meads finally saw the doctor who instantly recognised his OCD and began a referral for specialist care, he faced a nine-month wait. "Imagine you're suicidal, you need to see a psychiatrist, and you're told the current waiting list is nine months. How do people cope?" Meads is adamant that he would not be alive had his employer not referred him to private healthcare. He believes there needs to be far more government investment and a national advertising blitz about men and mental health. But the winds are blowing against Meads's calls: mental health trusts are making cuts amounting to 20% more than those made by other hospitals; mental health services have cut beds by nearly 10% in the past three years, and mental health organisations have warned that cuts to such services are risking people's lives. "I'm really concerned about it," says Woodcock. "We've now made the commitment that mental health should have parity with physical conditions in the NHS, but we're not close to delivering that parity." Unless this changes, he suggests, "we'll fail many people who will suffer mental health conditions, or even suicide, when they can be helped." Challenging unreconstructed masculinity is surely a priority, too. The organisation Calm has launched an initiative called "#mandictionary", encouraging men to take on "archaic male stereotypes" and "define themselves on their own terms". Men speaking out – as they have done in this article – helps, too, encouraging others to come forward. "From a personal point of view, I'd never admit to anyone I was depressed, I didn't even want to be on antidepressants because of the stigma attached," Jake Mills explains. "I thought I'd be addicted to them and weak." Now he uses his comedy to raise the issue. "The best decision I made in my life was announcing it, going on Twitter. I've had enough, I'm not hiding from it any more." Speaking out and challenging the stigma of mental health is certainly courageous. And doing so may just help to save the lives of other men who are suffering in agonising, lonely silence. "

[jackisfromthemoon-blog]

Driftwood Tuesdays

There is a trailer park in my mind where a perpetual thunderstorm rages; the moms and dads howl and punch at each other as lightning flashes, each blow they land booms with the thunder, and the little children are tossed about like debris in the wind. When I close my eyes I can go there; I can feel my heart electric in the cool darkness as little feet pull me toward whatever trauma is taking place just beyond my bedroom door. I can still run my hand along the edges of the holes pockmarking the walls of the hallway between my bedroom and theirs, each about the size of my dad's fist or foot. I can hear her weeping as I approach one slight step at a time and feel the crisp thwack of leather piercing air and slapping hard on my mother's skin and reverberating forever in the tombs of my heart. I can see him above her, belt in hand. I can hear his tone, sarcastic, through slurred speech but can't make out the words. Mom lays fetal on the bed, her face caked in tears, her ribcage gyrating between gasping breaths, moaning in honest agony.

Are we all just scared children? Am I? I know he must have been scared. I know what it is to ride helpless in a body that is doing things I hate. I have tried to reconcile these kinds of scenes with everything that came later, the obsessions and compulsions, my self hatred and recklessness, all the selfish choices. Probably there is a line that can be drawn. What a terrible thought, that before we have any self determination at all, some shit that happens to us that punches a hole in the metaphorical boats of our lives so that we spend the years we should be learning to navigate the ocean of adulthood just trying to bail out water.

All my life I have wanted change. I wanted to become the kind of little boy who did his homework and who didn't make scenes in class. I've wanted to stop picking my nose, to stop getting in fights, to stop crying in public. I've wanted to stop my mom having to pick me up from school because I overturned a desk in Art class, or because I threw a stool at the music teacher. Always I've been trying to stop doing the wrong things and start doing the right ones. Unfortunately I've wanted this change to happen sort of generally, and life is not lived generally; life is lived on particular tuesday nights, and on a given particular tuesday night it was likely that my young self was recovering from some particular horror, and it was more important that I allow myself the most pleasure possible than to do the thing that needed doing. Then on Wednesday morning, when the shame comes, it's very difficult to have another epiphany of change. At some point another voice becomes louder. Embrace the truth it says. This is who you are. You are not someone who can do the things he says he's going to do. You are flawed. Just live there. And so you do. And so I did.

I hate to think that I, a man of 30, am still bailing out that same water and therefor am still playing out the same drama as that scared child. How can that be? Surely sometime in the last ten years or so I've had the chance to right the ship? I don't think that my personal trauma was all that much worse than what a lot of others, people who have done much better at navigating the sea off life than I have, went through.

Addiction is a real bitch. It mostly comes to those of us who are already living lives of stress and disappointment, who already feel out of control – the water bailers. We are needy people. We are tired. When relief offers itself to us, we'll take that relief. No, we'll take double. Scratch that. Just give us the whole case, please and thank you. If being drunk or high that makes us feel good then we will be drunk or high. If its comes along who possesses that magic touch that pierces our darkness we'll declare them our emotional Jesus Christ (and we'll crucify them too.) It can be religion. It can be video games. For most of us its a long list of things we indulge in to excess to get out of our terror filled heads for 10 minutes or so. And this is bad. This is a life out of control. But the things, the alcohol or the sex, aren't really the problem at first. They're just things. But then one day, these things come alive.

Pretty soon, if we drink every day, our brains will decide that they need to drink every day, need it like it's fucking water. The thing that was designed to make us clamber out of our caves each morning and join the other hominids in hunting food and safety and sex is redirected and convinced that was it really needs is Jim Beam. How are we supposed to argue with the deep rooted guidance of our mammalian brains? Oh. With abstract reasoning, right? Surely the frontal cortex will be our salvation? Because we can see that its the liquor or the erotic chat rooms that are killing us we can stop, right? Did I happen to mention that this stoping has to be done on a particular Tuesday when we're going to have to first go to work with a hangover, get shit on by the boss because we half assed yesterday's paperwork, and then go home to a wife who rightly doesn't trust us and has some acute remarks to make about our behavior of late (or worse to an empty apartment with nothing to focus on but our own addicted mind), all of this couched in an existence primarily marked by feelings of isolation and fear – fuck if we can remember why. No. I think I'll go ahead and have that drink that my mind and body are crying out for. Logic and abstract reasoning can go fuck themselves. Truly.

And now, my friends, this traumatized person, this scared child desperately trying to bail water from his emotional boat while the water rises higher and higher with adulthood, is trapped in a new cycle, and has a new problem; he is an addict. Worse, the old feelings of inadequacy and helplessness are reinforced by the trauma of realizing (and he does realize, the frontal cortex is good for that much) he is an addict, and he can't quit the addiction for the same reason he couldn't stop punching those kids in the face and couldn't do his homework. He has other problems. The water still must be bailed. Each problem reinforces the other. If he'd felt helpless before, well, now he just feels fucked.

We try to stop. And maybe we can stop – for a week or two, but on some particular tuesday we fail, just like we did when we were little kids trying to do our homework. We fail like we knew we would, like we always have and always will.

My addiction is sexual in nature. Can I tell you about it? I mean really tell you? Would you really care to know? So much of my life has been lived underground, in that dark place I don't talk about and no one else can see. More than half of myself, hidden. I'm afraid to do this. Is it reckless to reveal the darkest secrets to the world? Someone has to, I suppose. To paraphrase Yoni Wolf, sometimes you have to scream something out or you'll never tell nobody.

My addiction started when I was 15, so that's 15 years ago now, half my life. Somehow I'll figure out how to communicate the dark side of those fifteen years, but life, is lived on particular Tuesdays, so I think for now I'll just tell you about a recent one.

A few weeks ago was Taylor Acoustics's birthday. Taylor and I had been growing distant for years now, but the love was still there whenever we did happen to find ourselves together. We hadn't lived in the same area for many years and I viewed the night of birthday celebration in the city as a chance to reignite the playful fire of our friendship and to start a new chapter, this one older, more grizzled, set in Downtown Detroit and with higher stakes. I had masturbated every day that week; it wasn't out of control to the point where I wasn't leaving my bedroom unless I was alone in the house or so that I couldn't look people in their eyes, but it did mean that with a little alcohol in me I could become tired easily, or go hazy, or become depressed and in the worst case start spilling that depression in ways subtle or obvious. So I had called up Binge and procured 4 Adderall pills to ensure I would have the energy for a night of fun.

The day of the party I dropped Prophesy off at work, came home, and realized that I had six good hours before I needed to head over to Taylor's. I think I held out for 10 minutes before my brain did the necessary math for the inevitable to occur. You see, one of the problems of the lifelong compulsive masturbator is that while the force of the compulsion only becomes a heavier freight train over time, the act its self holds less and less pleasure. Certain drugs and certain combinations of drugs can recruit novel parts of the brain to join in on the fun and generally make one feel like a teenager with his first high speed internet connection again. So when it occurred to me that I had the loving combination of amphetamine and marijuana readily at my disposal and six hours with nothing to do on my hands? Well – I didn't really feel like I had any choice in the matter.

The pill was a slow release 20, a lot for a guy with no tolerance built up, and I felt the sweet buzz of energy almost as soon as I gulped the water down after the pill. Soon after that I picked out a good sized nug of cannabis, broke it up with my fingers, and loaded the entire thing into my bong. I took hit after hit, rapidly taking as much smoke into my lungs in as little time as possible.

The internet connection at the house is such that I have to hold my computer up to the window, pay a few dollars for a 24 hour subscription to a local wifi service, and in this manner download all of the content I need before sitting or laying down to enjoy. In my current state of drug enabled efficiently and creatively, I collected pictures and stories with a sense of urgency and adherence to method akin to that of a speed chess player. For the first few hours my masturbation was ecstasy. Every model on my screen was a living goddess and testament to the divine nature of feminine sexuality. My fantasies as always undulated between the twin extremes of ultimate power and total humiliation. I'd always wanted to either own or submit, a perpetual teenager both worshiping what he couldn't have and wanting to control it. I was almost a god to my little psychic harem summoning submissive angels at will to fulfill my tiniest desires, and then at the next moment a slave, kissing the feet of a beautiful teenage queen with worthless lips while she casually scrolls her cell phone barely noticing me. Then I was the goddess herself and I imagined what life might have been with a different body, how powerful and beautiful and perfect I could have been, how I could have had slaves – slaves like me – and a life of erotic whimsy. Every so often when I felt the weed wearing off I would roll over and frantically grab my bong off the floor and take a hit before returning to my inclusive world of pleasure and shame. But as the hours rolled on, almost unnoticed, shame began to overrule pleasure, and logic threatened to intrude on my bliss.

You're going to be a piece of shit for Taylor's party.

I jerked off a little harder, even though my boner was becoming smaller in my hand and the pleasure less tangible.  

They're going to be able to smell the shame on you.

I scrolled through stories looking for a darker fantasy to pull my consciousness back down into the pleasure cave and away from the voice. I didn't want to think of the other friends who would be there that night and how I would inevitably act like a ragged street dog around them – too aggressive and too needy all at once. I went back to the task at hand.

This is fucking sad.

Then my phone, a $20 flip phone I had bought specifically because of it's lack of internet access, started buzzing. I grabbed it and looked at the screen. A text message from Innocence, wanting to talk. Sorry, Innocence, not today. A minute later it buzzed again. My mom calling. I hit silence. I went back to stoking myself. Each time it buzzed a little shock of fear struck my heart. Once the mind gives itself to the fantasy world, reality becomes the ghost. A minute or an hour later it buzzed again. Mom again.

I stood up and propped my Macbook against my window sill for more downloading. In order to do this I had to move one leg off the bed and sort of shimmy my foot on the floor until it had penetrated the layer of crap – books, dirty clothes, papers, odd objects of which I do not know the origin, that cover the space of my bedroom floor while kneeling with the other leg on the bed so as not to have to attempt to make room for that foot as well. I felt like a child and like a rat. During this operation I did not lose focus on the task at hand for a moment. I stood this way, gathering pictures and stories, these ones more extreme in their fetish content, for I don't know how long; I only know that when the phone buzzed again my right leg was spasming in little bursts, my ankle on the floor had begun to ache from supporting my weight, as did my dick from being manhandled while at half mast. The phone kept buzzing, each pulse a screaming banshee of shame.

Your grandpa is dead or some such thing. She's desperate to reach you. She knows her fuck up son isn't picking up the phone because he's busy being a fuck up. She's disgusted. She's scared. She hates you.

I turned the phone off and threw it on the floor.

Time stood still for my hand and my dick, but my fantasies got darker with the sky. I contemplated finding a bad mistress, a real sadist who would make my life hell. I don't mean that I just fantasized about this; I mean that I considered actually doing it. I would find a woman like this somehow and give myself to her. I'd give her all of my money, my birth certificate, my social security card, my debit card. I'd help her to make a video of me in humiliating positions, and then I'd make a list of embarrassing people she could send it to me as blackmail if I ever misbehaved. I'd order a chastity device for myself and give her the key. I'd be her slave. That was what I deserved, to be a slave. With the adderall and weed still powering my brain I plunged into previously unexplored depths of specifics. I imagined myself seeking out bitchy women and then presenting this idea to them. I created a power point presentation in my mind which I would show them in order to convince them that having me as a slave would be beneficial to their lives. I even posted a craigslist ad with this premise. I wanted to feel insane. I was no longer masturbating about sex or women; I was jerking off to my own shame and I'd never felt more erotic.

Around seven the adderall started to wear off. I hadn't come and my body ached from being held stiff. My dick hurt and was probably bleeding. None of this felt good anymore. I found my phone, and with great effort decided that I'd better call my mom back incase someone really was dead. No one was. She wanted to have dinner with me that night. I told her I couldn't make it and my voice shook as I apologized a little too emphatically. But that was all it was.

I also had texts from Taylor Acoustic but I was in no condition to go out. Any plans had to be canceled. This night would be another trophy on the mantle of the addiction which had already stollen so much from my life. Anyway, this was no time for philosophical contemplation of my condition. I had work to do. I took another pill.

I jerked all through the night to more and more humiliating fantasies, trying to push the sense of erotic shame to its brink, but the magic was gone and now the models weren't quite pretty enough or else didn't fit with my fantasies. The stories I found were either poorly written or didn't echo properly with my fetishes. My brain demanded some deeper depth of perversion to re-ignite the intensity but, drugs or no, my body simply wasn't built to maintain sexual stimulation for this long. My dick was soft in my hand half the time though I never stopped pumping. I kept getting up to take another hit off the bong and download more pictures, but my leg was throbbed with pain when I stood on it and reality's encroachments became sadder and harder to ignore. On and on this went. The shame felt like real shame and I wanted to push it away. My right hand kept stroking. My left hand kept clicking. Story, picture, story, this model, that one. The birds chirping outside my window mocked my pain. My body ached. Each stoke hurt my dick. Finally, around 11 in the morning 22 hours after I'd casually swallowed that first pill, I found my release.

So that's what a specific tuesday can be like in the life of an addict. I've told you the details, but I don't know how to communicate the horror of being trapped in a body that does these kinds of things, that seemingly can't not do these kinds of things. In my best moments I love life, I love intimacy and connection and love. But then sometimes I go into a trance where I worship the idea of these ideas exact opposites. Such insane helplessness. And yet it always feels like its my fault. This is not something that happens to me, its something I do. Am I a freak? A pervert? There is a line of logic which says I should embrace these things, I mean, I'm not hurting anyone. I hear this line, but I can only say that whether I'm hurting anyone or not, I do not want to keep doing these things, from my innermost core I reject them. They are terror to me. They are hell. I do not want them. I will not embrace them.

I spent the next two days in bed. My nervous system was shocked to fuck so I couldn't sleep. Most parts of my body hurt and I could hardly touch my dick even to pee. I laid there in the darkness contemplating my condition and laughing at my brain's little fantasies of change. This would not be some rock bottom experience launching me into changed life. I masturbated again as soon as I could.

[xxsaletaxx]

Heroin Epidemic: The Community.

Well I thought I would back track some so that I could touch on our community. The community that everyone ignores and pretends it just doesn't exist. Now I personally believe that there is no easy way to talk about the epidemic and all of the negative things that surround it. But I still believe we as a whole should all be able to tell our stories and not be embarrassed about it, and what we have been through. I mean we fight our battle and we should be proud... not embarrassed, trying to hide it and pretend it never happened. Yes addiction is a horrible thing and very sad and negative. And yes the only ways out are sobriety or death. So not many people want to hear about it, not many people believe its even a real disease. But there is positive things too... like getting sober and living. And being able to tell your story and maybe, hopefully being able to save a few lives too!

So I have been wanting to do this for a long time now, but I of course was worried about feedback and how people will respond. Because of all the negativity surrounding addiction. But I'm finally realizing if people dont start speaking out more, nothing will ever change. And I want change. So anyhow like I was saying... most people believe addiction is a choice. Why they believe that is beyond me. That is like saying people choose to be transgender or gay? It is just who you are. But with addiction it does start out as a choice in a way because you just drink or use drugs to party and have fun. But trust me when I tell you addicts don't think they are going to get stuck on the drugs and end up depending on them. We don't wake up one day saying you know what I think I'm going to use for the rest of my life because that will be fun... also being dope sick sounds like a really fun time. Plus I can ignore the hell I am going through and ignore my depression or anxiety. No we don't. We do not think we will end up addicted because we don't know we actually have addiction... the disease! Some people can party and use and just have fun and then just stop.... they don't have addiction. But people ignore the facts. And I believe blame the addicts because it is easier. It makes them feel better... because then they don't have to think about it happening to them or someone in their family... because no one they love would ever decide to do something that dumb. Little do they know addiction does not discriminate like they do. Even some family members or friends and loved ones of addicts still blame the addict because they can't accept addiction as a disease because then the problem goes deeper and they have to admit they must have missed it. Then maybe they feel the guilt... but if the addict is just a dumb ass that chose to use and won't stop because they want to keep getting high, well then that's only their problem, isn't it?

I hope I am making sense... I am just so passionate about the subject. I sometimes don't really know how to say things or word them. But I desperately want to let people know we do not want this for ourselves or the people we love...

Yes we know our loved ones are hurting. We are too. We want to stop, we are scared just like our families are. We do not want you to have to worry about us. We want to stop... the lifestyle we are apart of when we use is scary and exhausting. So we pray for a way out. And we want it to stop so we think ya know what I am done. Then the next day we wake up dopesick... sweating, freezing, our bodies aching, puking, stuck on the toilet. And we think we are going to die... we feel like it and think fuck this I need to get high, I can not deal with this hell. So we use again. And the cycle starts all over. And again we get tired of our own personal hell we are living in because we see our families sad, and our friends all dying around us so we think maybe I can try to find help... so we go to a detox center to get clean. Most the time we don't even make it through the whole week because our minds are all messed up and we can't think like normal people that aren't affected by the disease of addiction. So we end up going right back to using. No normal person would do that especially if your passed the dope sickness... that is why it is a disease. Yes maybe it all started with that horrible choice you made. But you ended up finding out that you... your brain make up... was definitely affected by the awful, torturous disease of addiction. But by then it's far too late.

But some of us keep fighting. And yes relapse is apart of the disease. So no matter how many times someone relapses they can still be saved. The disease can be treated. Addicts just need help...and support from friends, family, and loved ones. Also from doctors, and sometimes medication. Some addicts need to stay in a sober living house. And some can do outpatient services. Some enjoy AA, CA, or NA. But I believe all need counseling... we need someone to talk to. We need someone to tell our story too... we need someone to tell us we are not trash. And we still deserve to live and have a second chance at life. Because our community is constantly told that we aren't struggling with a real disease and that we are just junkies who made our own choice. So we arent worth saving... we shouldn't have medical services open to us. We are better off left to die. It is not right... or fair. We deserve to be proud of what we overcame!

So if any recovering addicts, or addicts that are still struggling and using are reading this... I want you all to know that you are worth it. You can recover! You can live again... I mean really live again. You are still loved and you have a community that does support you! You are not alone. You may have done some things you are not proud of... but everyone has. We are all human. We are all equal. Do not give up. You can change your story... because it isn't over; just carry on with your head high! Your stronger than you think... Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. And don't let anyone make you feel like addiction is a joke. It is not. It is real. And it is deadly. And if you feel alone feel free to contact me.

And families with an addict... dont give up on them. Just love them. And do not make them feel like addiction is a joke, that is the worst thing you can do. Do some research if you need to! Just be there for them if they are ever ready to talk or when they are finally ready to get help. But do not help them... don't make it easy for them to use. Of course never turn your back on them... but never be an enabler. You don't want them to use the money you gave them to go buy heroin. Because that might be the very last thing they do and you don't want to live with that guilt. Also you want them to know you wont help them kill themselves. You love them more than that! Right?

Anyhow that's enough for tonight... it is getting late! So I will add more soon! To all who took the time to read this.. Thanks so much!...

And to all the addicts who see this please just know you are not alone. Our community is here and will not be ignored. Reach out. Get the help you need. Our disease is real. Don't be embarrassed... just live. Remember your story is far from over. Xoxx ;