#don't even feel like driving to the grocery store ugh

[cerbreus]

there's nothing i want more right now than to be able to just go sit by a large body of water right now and stick my feet in.... I think it would make everything feel calmer.

[wheres-mylove]

as if!

Modern!Aemond Targaryen x Fem!Tyrell!Reader

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Part 2: Just a Girl

Summary: Our chief matchmaker not only accomplishes her secret mission, but also gains an upper hand over Aemond – special thanks to the ancestral Targaryen overconfidence. Oh, and to Aegon, the supporter.

Disclaimer: English isn't my first language!

Word count: 4.4k

The infamous jeep stopped by the curb, tires screeching. To be honest, its arrival had been announced way earlier by Lady Gaga’s song booming from the speakers. And a cursing cyclist whom (Y/N) Tyrell had nearly killed on the street.

Aegon was leaning against the wall of the nearest building, eyebrows raised, observing the girl's maneuvers. One would sooner suspect Miss Tyrell of being under the influence of alcohol right now.

“It's Britney, bitch?” he asked with a mocking smile. His gaze then fixed with considerable concern on the shattered side mirror.

(Y/N) leaned back in her seat, lowered the music to a minimum, and adjusted heart-shaped pink sunglasses on her nose.

“You're so funny it hurts. Get in. Quick, before someone sees you with me!” she ordered at once, not bothered to greet the guy, waving at him impatiently.

Aegon Targaryen bore a strong resemblance to his beloved brother, as he was behaving in an annoying manner as well. Slowly, he circled the car and opened the passenger door at a leisurely pace.

She honked, smashing the horn with an open hand, and sending him an angry look. The boy flinched and finally got his ass in the passenger seat. He didn't even get a word out before she had peeled out.

“Is this your first time?” he asked, nervously laughing and gripping the headrest with both hands.

“I have a permit. And I'll have my driver's license soon,” she replied with an innocent smile.

“But that mirror seems to have met Aemond’s face,” Aegon muttered under his breath. Then he swiftly stole her glasses. (Y/N) looked at Targaryen with disapproval.

“You couldn’t see a thing in those,” the blonde justified, relieved that she had slowed down a bit. “And trust me, it would be wonderful if you could see the road.”

“Not my fault that trees and hydrants appear so suddenly. Man, out of nowhere...”

“Alright, alright, could you kindly explain why I had to walk two blocks to catch this ride?”

“I can't risk one of your buddies or anyone else recognizing me and starting some disgusting rumors that we're seeing each other,” the girl retorted. Aegon dramatically clutched his chest. “Are you sure that no one was following you?”

“It wouldn't damage your reputation as much as you think. I'm quite popular as well. Some parts of me are.”

She pretended to feel nauseous. 

“Ugh, as if.”

The jeep hit the speed bump. Aegon could swear he saw the light. They turned into a side alley. He lowered the heart-shaped glasses down his nose, looked around, and realized they had parked in front of some random grocery store forgotten by the gods.

(Y/N) laughed at the sight of his confusion.

“Well, nobody will notice us. Only some wrinkly old people shop here. It’s my to-go place when I want a moment of anonymity.”

“Okay, superstar. Didn’t really ask.” He spread his legs on the dashboard, causing the girl's eyes to widen.

“Stop being a fucking savage! It's a gift from my dad, don't put your dirty-ass feet here.”

Aegon pushed the glasses up to his forehead and gave a meaningful glance at the damaged mirror.

“If you value it so much, maybe don't smash it before your driving test,” he said in a sing-song voice, not moving a bit. “I feel like I'm meeting a dealer. That's how it usually goes. You ordered discretion, took me to a secluded place, and…”

“Paper bag on the back seat. Be careful,” she advised, fixing her hair in the meantime. After a moment of consideration, she reached into the passenger-side compartment, retrieved a bottle of expensive perfume, and sprayed it on Aegon’s seat. Now he was busy collecting the bag with childlike excitement. Ended up seriously disappointed.

“Boring,” he muttered, handing her one of the two takeaway coffee cups.

“I didn't know what you usually drink apart from beer and piss, so I went with a basic cappuccino,” she explained, taking the cup and smiling at Targaryen's offended expression. “Don't tell me you were expecting something extravagant. This is a business meeting. Let's not prolong it.”

“So, how is it?”

“Please, take him. He's your brother, your concern. We'll make arrangements. We'll find a place for him. You can do whatever you want with him, but get him out of my house. I don't want him.”

Aegon stared at her in silence for a moment, then burst into laughter.

“This really isn't a reason to laugh, Aegon!” (Y/N) snapped at him, resting her forehead on the edge of the steering wheel with a heavy sigh.

“I warned you. I told you it would be like this,” the boy replied, shrugging. “Has he already called you a brainless idiot?”

“Not yet.”

“See, that means he really likes you! And he doesn’t even bite!”

“Yet.”

Targaryen tapped her on the shoulder, and she raised her head. He nodded encouragingly.

“Go on.” Aegon began to slurp his coffee and leaned forward.

“I tried my best. I'm really polite to him. I greet him, ask how his day was. But I don't know what else to talk to him about. He barely speaks, while we’re at it. Maybe he just has communication issues. He doesn't talk to me, but that doesn't mean he's avoiding me, oh no. He's everywhere. I can't go peacefully to the living room or the kitchen because he's always there. So much hovering for someone who's supposed to be busy. He sits with his thick philosophical books, to show off how smart he is. The name Nietzsche is probably going to trigger some conditional anger in me now. And when he does speak, it's malicious. Not directly, but—Shit, damn it! My dad adores him. He's quiet around him too, but he makes the effort, you know? Dad thinks he has the perfect temperament, that he's rational and composed. Can you even imagine how frustrating that is?”

“Girl, I lived under the same roof with him for a while, I've already served my sentence,” Aegon tapped his fingers on the cup. “Want advice from an experienced guy?”

“Usually, I'm the one giving advice," (Y/N) muttered, staring blankly ahead. An elderly couple with bags full of groceries passed in front of the jeep. The woman waved with her free hand, and (Y/N) waved back. “Ah, I advised her to strike up a conversation with the widower from the senior club. You see, they're together now.”

“Be a bitch,” Aegon chimed in, to which the girl opened her mouth in outrage.

“Betty is eighty years old, I'm kind to elderly people—”

“To Aemond, honey. Give him a taste of his own medicine. There's no other way. Assert the dominance.”

“I can't. Dad will get super angry.”

“You said yourself that my brother is discreet in being an asshole. Fight back.”

“Maybe you're right. He's in my house, he's my guest, I should set the rules,” she said firmly, clinking her cup with Aegon's.

“Cheers,” he said with a laugh. “Jason Lannister asked about you today.”

(Y/N) took a deep breath through her nose and shook her head.

“Another one? I don't have time for nonsense. Nobody respects that.”

“I think Aemond will. You're not his type. He prefers the smart ones,” the boy assured, probably not thinking too long about his statement.

“What, excuse me?” (Y/N) bristled, looking at him from the corner of her eye.

“Hey, I'm not saying you're stupid,” a now-panicked Aegon corrected himself. “You're just... a pink princess with a passion for fashion? Oh gods, I think I said something wrong. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!”

“You'll get out of my car, but I'll speed up first.”

They could just as well place a warning sign on the door. (Y/N) realized she hadn't been in there since Aemond appeared in their house. She unconsciously started avoiding that part of the first floor. The same couldn't be said for her housemate, whom she nearly collided with yesterday when she was leaving to meet Aegon. She had no idea what he was doing near her room. Of course, she couldn't ask him because he strategically retreated upon seeing her.

A social butterfly.

She knocked loudly three times, grimacing at the sound. Mr. Tyrell had told her to go find him. They usually had dinner at six, but today they had to move it up an hour. He was heading to one of those business banquets where people drank too much whiskey and talked too much about business.

No response. Silence. But he was inside for sure. She would have seen him leave from her strategic spot on the couch. Targaryen roamed everywhere, but strangely left that corner alone. Maybe she had marked it too much with her presence.

(Y/N) didn't know what’s gotten into her, but she pushed the door wide open without an invitation. It only occurred to her after a moment that she might see something she would later regret.

She didn't know if it was luck or misfortune, but Aemond, decent or not, was nowhere to be seen. A faint splashing of water could be heard from behind the closed bathroom door. 

(Y/N) Tyrell smiled cunningly, registering Lana Del Rey’s song playing in the background. Finally, something she could use to bully him. She cleared her throat.

“Aemond?” she called out, taking a step back and putting her hand on the doorknob to give the impression that she hadn't barged into his solitary kingdom. She quickly scanned the room. It was clean. Almost sterile. The stack of books on the nightstand? You could practically fit a ruler to it.

“It's kind that you respect my privacy,” a quiet voice interrupted her thoughts, making her jump. The bathroom door was slightly ajar, and she could only see his bowed head, a cascade of wet hair, bare arm was also on display... Don't stare. “I could…”

“Be naked, masturbating or reading one of Colleen Hoover's books,” she offered nonchalantly, remembering his brother's advice and suppressing her father's request. “Which one would make this experience the most humbling for you?”

Aemond squinted, giving her a look she couldn't quite decipher. He made a sound that could be classified as something between a grunt and a laugh. Man seemed to have the right one for every occasion.

“Get dressed and come downstairs; we're eating early,” she informed him before making a dramatic pause, letting Lana sing. “Once you're back from the west coast.”

Targaryen pressed his lips into a thin line. She smiled in a condescending manner.

“You'd prefer La Traviata, I presume,” he said and then shut the door. (Y/N) rolled her eyes at the reference to their first meeting.

“We'll wait, sweetheart. Take your time.”

As she was walking down the stairs, she concluded that Aemond Targaryen was not an opponent she couldn't handle. She could complain or show him who was in charge.

She was a badass. A force to be reckoned with.

When she entered the dining room with a newly found surge of confidence, Mr. Tyrell shot her an indignant look and tossed an envelope onto the table. It was a miracle it didn’t land in the soup vase.

“I’ve just received this. Explain yourself.”

The girl cursed under her breath at the sight of this so unexpected mail and clasped her hands in an awkward gesture.

“Dad, you can't get angry outside of work hours,” she gently reminded him, to which her father snorted impatiently and rubbed his forehead.

Aemond Targaryen, with his perfect timing, walked into the room at that exact moment. He looked at her first, then at Mr. Tyrell attentively and stopped in the doorway.

“Another ticket?” her father continued, paying no attention to the fact that they now had a witness to this delightful conversation.

“Unjustified! I didn't exceed the speed limit that much. Maybe a little. A tad. Barely. They must have made a mistake,” (Y/N) explained, approaching her father and seating him at the head of the table. “Besides, don't be so upset; it's not the first…”

“(Y/N)!” Mr. Tyrell scolded her. “That is very thoughtless of you.”

“Not during dinner,” she requested, nodding in Aemond’s direction. “We have a guest, dad. Maybe later.”

Aemond was delighted. Just looking at his pleased expression made her want to smack him. She sat down on her father's right side , and Targaryen joined them a moment later. Mr. Tyrell reached for the envelope he had thrown earlier and started examining its contents again.

“You lead such a fast-paced life that you can't slow down?” Aemond asked, leaning in as if to hand her the vase. “Or maybe you can’t see the difference between the gas and the brake?”

“I'm considering not letting you drive anymore,” Mr. Tyrell said, interrupting their lovey-dovey conversation. “No more driving until you pass your exam.”

“That's unfair! This was the third and final ticket, I promise.”

“Quiet, child, before you give me a heart attack,” her father begged, then looked at Aemond. “You'll support me in this, young man, won't you? Tell her it can't continue like this.”

“Absolutely, sir,” Targaryen replied, placing his hand on the back of her chair. He acted like it was the best day of his life. “It's exceptionally reckless, (Y/N). You pose a threat not only to other road users but also to yourself. You're not ready to sit behind the wheel. Maybe it's worth admitting to the mistake before someone gets hurt.”

“Ass-licker,” she muttered under her breath so her father wouldn't hear.

“Aemond is right,” Mr. Tyrell sighed, handing him the ticket for inspection.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” she exclaimed, snatching the paper from her father. “Embrace him and call him son. Aemond Targaryen is always right.”

“All these negative emotions, where are they coming from?” The boy smiled maliciously, and (Y/N) had to gather all her self-control not to strangle him right there.

“We need to find the right solution, be responsible,” Mr. Tyrell decided, evoking authority.

“We need to take the bus,” Aemond suggested in her ear. She'd strangle him, that was decided.

“You'll help her, won't you, young man? Aemond, you have a driver's license. You're exceptionally sensible, and I trust you completely in this matter. From now on, she'll only get in that jeep with you. You'll watch over her, make sure her driving isn’t a threat to anyone.”

“What?” he asked weakly, suddenly turning pale. He looked at Mr. Tyrell, who was not joking. “I mean, yes, sir.”

(Y/N) laughed, flattening the ticket against his chest.

“See how it turned out for you, sir.”

They stood in silence right in front of the professors' mailboxes. (Y/N) gazed ahead with determination in her eyes, while Baela looked at her friend as if questioning her mental state.

“You're joking, right?” she asked with uncertainty, holding the stack of papers tied with a red ribbon up to her nose. “Scented? You crazy bitch.”

(Y/N) held out her hand.

“Stand guard,” she ordered in a serious tone, but Baela still didn't give up the treasure that Miss Tyrell had been working on for half the afternoon. “What now?”

“She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies?” Her friend read aloud, furrowing her brows. “That’s way too much.”

“And all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes,” (Y/N) finished up, winking at her. “That's very sexy of Lord Byron.”

Bae finally gave in and handed her the letter.

“I'm out there on the watch. If our grades don't improve after all this shit, I'll have Arryk write you a letter,” she threatened, walking down the hallway with her hands placed confidently on her hips. A professional bodyguard.

(Y/N) began her search among the dozen of plates, surnames starting with the letter T on them. 

Miss Tully. Miss Tully, where are you?

“She’s on her way, hurry! Will be there in a minute,” Baela said, turning towards her friend and waving her hand.

“That's the point; she has a break now between classes,” (Y/N) replied, dropping the surprise through the mailbox slot. “She'll find something to brighten her day. Come on!”

The girl headed towards the student lounge, slumping onto one of the couches and picking up some tedious magazine from the table. Baela joined her a moment later, shaking her head in disbelief.

“Where were you trained?”

“At the Matchmaker Academy. Elite unit,” (Y/N) said with a laugh. Less than a minute later, they heard the clicking sound of high heels. “Play indifferent.”

Miss Tully was walking briskly towards her mailbox, probably expecting to find official mail or a few late assignments from her students. She was a middle-aged professor with chestnut hair neatly pulled into a tight bun, glasses perched on her nose, and an unhealthy love for tweed.

She was unmarried and specialized in poetry of the Romantic era. She truly was an untapped potential.

“I don't see it,” Baela muttered, watching Professor Tully open her mailbox.

“Even if I'm wrong, which happens once in a thousand years,” (Y/N) replied, flipping through the magazine. “Look at her reaction.”

The woman with furrowed brows examined the letter from all angles. Then she looked around, so Bae pretended to be deeply interested in the view outside the window. She untied the ribbon and scanned the words.

Miss Tully blushed.

“She's smiling now?” (Y/N) asked, turning another page.

“She's giggling.”

“Giggling?”

“I told you.”

“Gods, I'm a genius.”

“Now she's smelling the pages.”

“Wonderful.”

The sound of high heels echoed again, this time intensifying with each step, as Miss Tully was approaching them.

“Excuse me, girls?” she began with a slightly trembling voice, hiding the letter under a brown document folder. She glanced a moment longer at (Y/N). “Miss Tyrell?”

“Oh, good morning, Professor,” the girl greeted her, putting the magazine aside and smiling politely at the older woman. “Is there a problem with my essay?”

“Oh, not at all, my dear, it was a joy to read,” she assured quickly, adjusting her glasses with a seemingly careless movement. “Have you been sitting here for long? You’d happen to notice, well… Has anyone recently put something in my mailbox?”

“Hm, Professor Baratheon was here about half an hour ago,” (Y/N) replied, resting her chin on her hand. “But I think he was just checking his mail. I'm not sure if he dropped anything. Besides that, no one.”

“Oh, I see…” Miss Tully replied with a slight hint of disappointment. Then she blushed even more. “Professor Baratheon, you say? We haven't talked in a while.”

“You didn’t hear it from me, but…” (Y/N) started, and Professor Tully leaned in conspiratorially towards her. “I think it would be good for him to have someone to talk to. Lately, he seems a bit down.”

“You didn’t hear it from me also, dear, but…” Miss Tully was now sitting on the edge of the couch. “I've heard about the recent troubles with his ex-wife. He must be lonely…”

Baela watched in wide-eyed amazement as this exchange unfolded. It turned out that (Y/N) Tyrell was able to charm anyone, especially a spinster.

“Besides, if I may make such a personal observation, of course,"” (Y/N) interjected when Miss Tully was already thanking her and getting ready to leave. “You have beautiful hair. You should wear it down more often to show it off.”

The woman smiled shyly and touched her head.

“Do you really think so? Won't it be too... frivolous?”

“Oh, not at all! I think a bit of freedom would add to your charm.”

Miss Tully had never looked as beautiful as she did now, after receiving a letter from a mysterious admirer and a compliment from a pretty girl.

“Teach me, oh wise one. You've got that lady wrapped around your finger,” Baela commented in admiration.

(Y/N) stood up with a jump and smiled broadly.

“Now, let's go to Borris.”

“Do you have a scented letter for him too?”

“I told you about my theory that he can't read. I'll just tell him that Miss Tully thinks he's intelligent. That should be enough for a man like Baratheon.”

(Y/N) Tyrell was on the verge of stomping her foot in frustration.

“I was only gone for ten minutes!” she exclaimed, to which Aemond tore his gaze away from the TV screen and looked at her with something that resembled pity.

“You were taking that bath for precisely…” he began, putting his arm on the couch's backrest and checking his watch. “One hour and six minutes, counting from the moment you vacated the spot.”

She huffed in annoyance. Targaryen only now gave (Y/N) a closer look. She returned from her room in a pink satin robe. He raised an eyebrow, then she was left to argue with the back of his platinum blond, stupid head.

“We obviously have a misunderstanding here. Today is Friday evening. On Friday evenings, the TV is mine. Because I have a movie night,” she explained, striving for a calm tone and pinching the bridge of her nose. Inhale and exhale.

“I don't see any note with that information. Unspoken agreements don't hold much weight, do they? You didn't discuss this with me.”

(Y/N) lost her patience, so she marched in front of the TV, blocking Aemond's view of whatever dull news program he was watching now, and folded her arms across her chest.

“This is childish,” he remarked without moving an inch, wearing a smug smile.

“I'll stand here until you give up watching these two bald debaters for today. Who cares anyway?”

“I like to stay updated with the news. You're acting childish,” he repeated. (Y/N) wasn't fazed in the slightest. 

“If you were a nice boy, I'd offer a compromise.”

“Am I not a nice boy?” he asked with feigned offense, basically lounging on the couch at this point.

“You could watch a movie with me. I'd choose, and you'd keep me company, and we'd all be happy-”

“(Y/N)!” Mr. Tyrell suddenly appeared in the living room, holding his cell phone as far away from his ear as possible. “Why is Baela Targaryen bothering me and asking if you're alive? She mentioned something about an emergency.”

“Oh, damn, I left mine upstairs,” (Y/N) replied, taking her father's phone. “I'll return it to you later!”

Mr. Tyrell waved her off and returned to his duties, probably reorganizing the documents. He was unable to rest. The girl brought the phone to her ear.

“Hey, Bae. What's so important that you're calling my old man?” she asked while pushing the footstool across the floor and setting it right in front of the TV. She sat down on it and crossed her legs.

“Childish,” Aemond mouthed. She stuck her tongue out at him in return.

“You won't believe it; I didn't expect such swift results,” Baela exclaimed from the other end of the line. “I was just leaving volleyball practice. Guess who I saw!”

“Professor Baratheon and Professor Tully?” (Y/N) asked a somewhat rhetorical question, smiling with satisfaction.

“Sitting on a blanket under a tree. They seem to have organized some kind of picnic. You'd have to see them, with their puppy-dog eyes and smiles full of love. They seemed to be on cloud nine.”

“I told you it would work. Another success in my career.”

“I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will remove the stick from Baratheon’s ass.”

“When he's no longer sexually frustrated, he'll loosen up,” (Y/N) assured. She noticed Targaryen's questioning look at that remark. “I'm not talking about you.”

“Aemond's with you?”

“Unfortunately.”

"Give him my regards.”

“I won't.”

“Okay, see you tomorrow, right?”

(Y/N) grimaced, remembering that she would have to ask Targaryen for a favor.

“Sure. Bye.”

Aemond tapped his knee and looked at her with a smirk.

“So, who's frustrated?” he asked, sending her a mean smile. “Your boyfriend?”

“You're such a dick. I don't have a boyfriend. I was talking about my professor.”

“That doesn't sound good,” Targaryen remarked. (Y/N) rolled her eyes.

“Gods, I'm not going to explain the whole story to you. I just set up my professor with another professor.”

“You set them up?” he repeated.

“Yeah, and what's it to you? Need some help in the relationship department? I wouldn't be surprised, considering how charming you are.” She pointed a finger at him. “Let's make a deal. You can watch your news, but you'll go to the shopping mall with me tomorrow.”

“Are you asking me out?” He was trying her patience, and he knew it well.

“Behave. Just as my father said, I can't drive the jeep unsupervised-”

“No way.”

“Please. Please. Please. Please-”

“What are the chances of you shutting up until you get your way?”

“Slim to none,” she replied, knowing she had him cornered. He was to blame for this one. Consequences of being cocky.

“Alright,” he grumbled, well aware that he had no other choice. She could complain to her father at any moment.

“Enjoy your evening,” she chirped, finally moving out of his line of sight.

“Wait,” he stopped her before she could leave and handed her the remote control. “Out of pure curiosity.”

(Y/N) gave him a sweet smile and almost snatched the remote from his hand before flopping onto the couch, keeping a reasonable distance from him.

Aemond Targaryen watched in horror as she selected Barbie as The Princess and the Pauper.

“Movie night or a cartoon night?”

“Listen, as a literature enthusiast, you should know that it was inspired-”

“Absolutely not," he stated, getting up from the couch and marching to the kitchen.

(Y/N) shrugged. Pussy. Goal achieved anyway. Movie night with Barbie, as her tradition dictated.

“Can you bring me a snack while you're there? M&Ms will do!”

She expected him to ignore her, as she had already abused his good humor quite a bit, but he appeared a moment later, holding an apple in one hand and tossing a bag of candy onto the pillow next to her with the other.

“Thanks! Would watching Barbie tarnish your manly honor?”

“My sister watched that when she was seven. Look at what that says about your level.”

“Alright, Mr. Partypooper. Goodnight.”

Aemond didn't leave. He lingered in the doorway for almost an hour, busy pretending that he’s not watching the movie at all. Someone give him an Oscar for that performance.

(Y/N) decided to let it slide. This time. Just as he had let her singing I am a Girl Like You slide without any snide comments.

Taglist: @wintrr13 @melsunshine @tempo-rary-fix @mooncalvin @carriellie @jusmiw82j2j @sirenangelroyal @marvelescvpe @ohmydemimonde @watercolorskyy @tsujifreya

💛 - tumblr won't let me tag

Please let me know if you wish to be added or removed!

[ghouljams]

Hi sorry I really didn’t want to cause an argument about a/b/o designations I just get excited to talk about it especially because I feel like so often it’s seen as a means to an end of just writing really intense smut but it does have really interesting implications with regards to gender and sexuality and the way people approach them both. But I also struggle with wording stuff, and of course all sex is opt in I think what I was really trying to say is more that because I read Betas as not having as strong a hormonal reaction they don’t run the risk of losing control during a heat or rut (which ofc is still not in line with your take on a/b/o) again I don’t really have the words to describe it because I don’t experience a sex drive in the same way as allos. Again I’m really sorry if I upset you, I do really like your take on omegaverse and I’m not trying to like change your mind or au or anything, I just got overexcited

- Acespec anon

I have a bit of a short fuse despite having a high tolerance for bullshit, it's not your fault. I don't want to come off as angry or upset with anyone in my asks without cause(ai or theft causes mostly). I also had just gotten out if therapy so I was still running a little high emotion, which is not an excuse and I'm sorry for getting frustrated.

Anyway continuing on my basic agreement with your read on traditional betas. While I do really love the kink aspects of a/b/o, the super high "losing control during heat/rut" thing is something I find just like... not feasible for a functioning society? Like I read a fic once where an omega went into hest in a grocery store and every alpha in the area was trying to get at them. What??? Like huh??? You're telling me every alpha in the world is a border line rapist? That is simply not how society functions, please take a seat.

From my perspective (which is that of an allo person) and through my lense of gender politics I've always thought that betas were thrown in as just "anyone I don't want to think about having sex" which good or bad generally does end up with that character being fairly ace. However I also see it as super lazy writing. Betas have the most versatility, they're the most interesting! I know a/b/o is just an excuse to skip straight to the sex but there's so much world to explore within the au! You've added 3 new genders!!! That's so cool, tell me about all of them!

Betas in traditional omegaverse are such a wasted opportunity to do something interesting. Which again just speaks to the inherent biases of the author, if your not an alpha or an omega(man or woman) you're not worth expanding upon. Ugh I could write a dissertation on traditional omegaverse.

I think secretly even us allos hope to be betas in traditional omegaverse, the alternatives sound like he'll on earth. That's why I'm fixing the whole au 🛠

[pbandjesse]

Happy Valentine's day! Today was a pretty good day overall. I am very much looking forward to sleep. But I had a good day and I feel pretty happy.

I actually went to work today. Which was only mildly difficult. I slept alright last night. My cough was still bad but not as constant. It could come back with force later in the day but for the majority of today I was mostly okay.

I got washed and dressed and tried my best to feel normal. James had packed me a nice little breakfast and some soup for lunch. They leave out the back door and I leave out the front so we said goodbye and headed to work.

I had a nice drive in. I was surprised that there was snow on the ground at camp. But later Heather would show me pictures of her yard and it literally looked like a blizzard it was crazy. It was cold out though and I was happy to be in the office.

I had to print my valentine for James. And I would spend some time working on stuff for workshops. Print outs and such. The day was dragging though and everything I had planned to do I was basically done by 930. Ugh.

Today wasn't all boring though. Eventually I was able to get Alexi and Heather to give me some work. Mostly by volunteering to do things that they were giving me parts of. Like they would ask me to do a part of something and I was like. What if I did more of it? And that filled a lot of time for me which made me feel better.

I did have some bored moments though. So I spent a lot of time on Etsy looking at charms. I am just window shopping. I really don't want to buy anything. But it's still fun to see what's out there in the world.

I would go for a few walks up to the art building. I needed to get my felt I had stored up there and I wanted to borrow the scissors as well. I would get really really cold walking up there and my hands hurt! I was very surprised. But when I got back to the office I warned ho with my soup and watched a video and things were fine.

The afternoon I had some stuff to work on for the CIT program. And some other scheduling stuff. This felt really productive and good. I also attempted to learn origami but I continue to be terrible at it.

Celia came in to feed the animals and it was really nice to see her. She's coming over to make arrangements on Friday. But for now she told me about a possible job she was offered and I really hope she takes it. It's with the parks service and even if it's a 10 month contract it would be so good on her resume.

Alexi brought a pelt from her dad's closet that was going to get thrown out and gave it to me to possibly use for materials. I might see if James wants it as a rug in their room first because it doesn't have much wrong with it. But it's a very cool piece of leather regardless.

I would get lots of compliments on my overalls today. Alexi's mom came in even and thought they were amazing. Made me feel really good. I love these overalls, and only wearing them this time of the year keeps them special.

For the last half hour of the day I mostly just played on my phone. But as soon as I couldn't do that anymore I said goodbye to everyone. And headed to the grocery store.

I wanted to get James a plant for Valentine's Day. I ended up getting two. It was funny seeing all the country guys, of all ages, buying roses and cards. And then me in line with them. Just felt silly. Cute.

I walked in the door moments before James did. I was excited to give them the flowers but we decided to wait for our little dinner to actually exchange things.

James would take the car and went to pick up our half baked pizza. Matthews does a half cooked pie that you finish at home. Which is such a good idea. While James was gone getting that I set up our TV tables with a table cloth and the flowers I got. James also got me flowers and a cube shaped balloon!! We also had candles. I tried to make it all really nice.

James got back and put the pizza in the oven. I also got to try the bread they made than morning and it is such an excellent loaf. Turns out it may have been our oven not being the right temperature the whole time because this was a very good loaf of bread.

I did some moving around of things in the studio while we waited for dinner. And then it was time to eat!

Our pizza was really good. And we talked about our days and then after food we exchanged cards. We had a huge laugh when James almost drew me the same card I drew them and we almost got each other a very similar thing. I had also pointed out earlier that they had very pretty earrings on, and it turns out they had bought them for themselves to get a ring for me (the sale price was based on an order minimum). And the ring they got me is beautiful. I love it so much. It has such a nice weight to it, the engraving goes all the way around the band. It's perfect. They also got me a different cherub hair clip. So now I have two of those! I got James a baby lobster that will be released from a hatchery in the UK, and a penguin (it's a bracelet where you can track a rela penguin). We also wrote each other cards and it was just really special. I love my husband so much.

James also worked really hard to make me chocolate covered pretzels. Which was so kind. And obviously a lot of work! I will have those tomorrow at work. I'm very excited about them.

I started coughing again really badly after dinner. I thought maybe taking a bath would help. James would end up sitting in the bathroom with me while I tried to take a marginally comfortable bath with kettle water. I was hacking and gagging a ton but James kept telling me how beautiful I was still. They are very kind. I am very uncomfortable.

Honestly since then my throat has felt very swollen again. But I'm trying to be gentle with it. We have been watching funny videos since then and just being together and with sweetp and it's been so nice. I feel so much love. I feel so lucky.

I hope we can sleep easy tonight. I hope you are all safe and happy. I love you all. Goodnight!

[audiovisualrecall]

So I should go to the store and buy a few things - zucchini, broccoli, mushrooms, some fruit - but my issue is...a few issues actually. One is that the closest grocery store may not have everything I need. The second is I would love to bike ride to the store, also bc it'd be easier to go to the other store from there on bike, on foot I'd have to go home first, bc the walk to the other place is 20 mins, it's 7-10 mins on bike. But I'm unsure about riding my bike. I'm pretty sure my dad fixed the problem with the chain slipping off the gears, but I'm also not 100% sure and also even if it's fixed I'm worried it'll happen again and I'll get hurt - last time I had just started peddling, I was on flat surface, and there were no cars around when it happened. But if I go to the store it's some hills, cars, busy road, etc, and it makes me nervous. And I don't want to walk 20 minutes. Plus they might not have everything, either. And while I want to get groceries on my bike, despite the rear rack and bungee hooks I have, it's awkward and complicated and locking my bike takes like 6 years and I feel self conscious doing it. But if I don't go and get the groceries, even tho dad will be able to buy on Monday and I'll just eat less healthy stuff tomorrow and Sunday, I'll feel like I can't take care of myself and just depend on others more than I need to. But I'm anxious about the bike situation. Technically I could go by bus but it would take 20 mins and at least 2 busses. How is there no simple bus route to this street I need to get to, ugh. Like it's not a small street, just annoying and a bus would probably screw up traffic but maybe not bc more people would use the bus instead of drive perhaps...?

[dzpenumbra]

12/20/22

Well hello, robo-followers. This week I got like 6 follows from what are clearly bots. Is this new? I don't know, I've only been here a few months. Fucking obnoxious. It's 2022, almost 2023, major record labels can accurately recognize song patterns with just seconds of audio data... and we can't figure out how to like... not let bots make accounts on websites. I don't want to get too political, I'm just gonna touch on two points here. There's really no justification for a user account to be owned and used by a computer program. Programs are not users, they can't agree to legal contracts, they are not held liable to legal contracts, so I have no clue why this is something that a Turing test is not like... mandatory for... And, my second... and I feel much more important point. It should not under any circumstances be legal for a computer program to threaten legal action against a person or business. I can't stress how strongly I feel about this line in the sand. So... I hope we start to see some changes in the next few years, especially in fields that are reserved for... arts and humanities. Human shit. The things that make our species... human. User accounts are supposed to be reserved for personal use of individuals, and representative of that user's actions, not a few pages of code. Legal action (strikes, reports, claims, etc.) are way too nuanced to be identified, confirmed and acted upon without human verification. I'm tired of multi-billion dollar corporations being lazy about this shit. You have the budget, you have the reach, you have the technology, please set a good example and stop making the users, creators and consumers suffer.

Okay, bitching out of the way, lets get to the good shit. Today was... wait for it... a good day! Holy fuck!

Hold on, I'll be right back, I made cookies. =D

Mmmmmm.

Alright, so today... I decided to try out a time management app. I don't want to get too excited just yet, it's just day one, but I do have to say it helped quite a bit. It's called Owaves, it's a scheduling app but it's like... really visual, and simple. So many scheduling/time management apps I've tried are really text-heavy and look like fucking homework or something. There's something that just subconsciously turns me off and stresses me out with that, especially on days I'm super overwhelmed. But this was really sleek and pretty and simple. So, I just threw some stuff on it while I was in bed. Coffee/cat food/breakfast/shower, plan groceries, get groceries, unpack groceries, yoga, skate, dinner, work, bed. Pretty straight forward. I gave myself wiggle room to get distracted or derailed - which I did on literally every single one - and tried to just have it serve as a... guideline, I guess. Like a sketch for a drawing.

So yeah, got really tunnel-visioned in grocery/meal planning, got a list together, went off to the grocery store like 40 minutes later than I was planning. Car was covered in snow and ice, had to dig it all off with my damn hands. It's not my car, I'm still driving the fucking rental, the dealership hasn't even called me personally back to tell me when the parts are coming in. Its been like... I don't even know, 3 weeks now? Like... I legit feel like I'm getting scammed here. Like, I feel like I should be talking to a lawyer. Anyway... I got the snow off and... my gas light was on. So I got gas, went grocery shopping. It was way more expensive than I was expecting, and it was only like 3 bags of groceries. Seriously. Since when are 3 bags of groceries $250? Like... I'm just one dude, and I don't eat as much as I should. I cook in bulk, I buy stuff on the cheaper side... Ugh. I feel for those of you with big households, I'm really sorry for how hard all of this must be for you.

I went home, unpacked the stuff and immediately did yoga. See, on the way back... I scoped out the rotary park... and it was not shoveled at all. Not even one bit. It was perfect. So I jumped right on the mat, and Max started stalking... and was like... doing what she does when she's getting ready to attack my legs. So... I paused and went and tried to play with her. But she didn't play... it was very confusing. So I went back to yoga, restarted the video and... she did it again! I felt myself getting upset, so I redirected into play again and after a few minutes it actually worked. She played for the first time since we've been here! I'm really happy about that. And now that I look over at her, she's been sleeping on my old jacket, which probably still smells like the old house. She's probably homesick, or confused. It would make sense. She lived there for like... a third of her life? That's a lot, you know. She does seem to really love it here, but I think she's still settling in. But seeing her play, when she has osteoarthritis, hypothyroidism and kidney disease was like... it just made my heart soar. Even if she was just laying on her side and playing.

I went back to yoga, the feline queen permitted me to do so, and it was really nice. The same routine again, and I'm getting a feel for it. And again, it's crazy how much my hips and neck open up with it. I think my back is going to take more work to get the rust out of the hinges, but slow progress is still progress.

I smoothed out the bottom of my board, tuned it up, that's my new routine thing for snowskating now. I have no idea why I never did it in the past. The bottom is like... some kind of thick plastic coating, so if you skate over rocks, gravel, or dig a bit too deep and hit pavement or whatever, it will scratch and leave grooves in the bottom of the board which kill your speed. I mean that, there's really no feeling quite like riding a brand new off-the-line snowskate, that kind of speed is like... enjoy it, because you're never gonna feel it again! XD But cutting the grooves out and sanding the bottom with 100, 400 and 1500 grit pads really help a lot. Obviously it's not perfect, but it makes a big difference.

I hit up the park. The snow was about... 3-4 inches deep? Soft powder with a very thin crust on it. Very good conditions. Unfortunately, prepping the snow was pretty necessary, and that eats up a lot of your muscle endurance when you're skating alone. It's decent warm-up, but... ugh. So I did a little flatground to warm-up and headed over to the 2-set. I was determined to land the shuvit down the stairs today. I ollied it a few times no problem. But my shuvs kept going wide. I was just like... not catching them right. You really have to have your landing straight with snowskates, there's a lot that can make you just stop right in your tracks. I tried a dozen times, shifting my back foot position, trying to focus on front foot catch, trying to focus on watching the board mid-air. I got really close over and over but... nothing. And then it hit me... a realization I had last time. I need to practice landing at speed.

As I walked up to the top of the hill, I was musing on how just riding and ollieing at speed is like... some of the most useful practice you can do all-around for snowskating. For real. You get really comfortable on your board, used to "carving"... let's just say "board-handling", when and how to push, learning what conditions you can carry speed in and what you can't, and what you need to do to carry it. But the ollies really make the difference. Not just learning the different ollie position for snowskating, with your toes right at the very edge of the tail, but landing. Because landing on a snowskate can feel like jumping onto an ice skating rink in shoes sometimes. The more you get used to that feeling, the easier it is to stick... well... every goddamn trick period. Ollie is a bit easier because the board comes with you, but... the landing is the same low-friction slip-fest as landing any other trick.

So, I bombed the hill and found a good natural kicker right before the benches where I had been skating flatground, about half-way down the hill. It was a decent hill, I could carry speed well enough, it even had some sections where I could pump so I didn't have to kick as much. And I started just bombing down and seeing how far I could ollie. The biggest one was about 6 feet. It was so much fun. I really enjoyed it. So, after I got that ollie down, I went back over to the 2-set, ollied it like it was a crack in a sidewalk and did a few shuvit tries and... landed it. Yep. It's like... a baby trick, on a baby stairset, but... I had tried that trick like 25 times this week, at least. Riding away was just... such a good feeling. I was beaming walking back to get a drink of water. Then I bomb-dropped the 4-set, and that wasn't bad at all. It's gonna take a bit for me to get brave enough to ollie that, but I think it should happen this year. That'll be the biggest stairset I've ollied... ever. On anything. And there's a 6-set at the park too, if I start to get really fucking brave, and it's steeper too, so less to clear, but the catch there is... the landing is about 25 feet and then it's right into traffic, so if my board shoots out... no bueno.

Oh, then I landed a moving kickflip. First one of the year. Didn't carry a lot of speed, but still cool. And then on my way out I tried a big spin and actually got really close. Like I stuck it but underrotated and had to sorta powerslide to cheat it a bit, but that was a personal NBD. I've done fakie big spin before, but not regular. I think big spins might actually be easier than 3 shuvs, at least on a snowskate. I'm gonna keep trying them, I just.. once again... need to practice landing. And for that one, I need to practice landing switch, which is a whole other can of worms.

But all-in-all, that was a really good session and I'm really glad I went. Super glad I did yoga first, I would've been a wreck if I didn't.

Chinese leftovers for dinner, cookies for dessert. Spent the rest of the night eating (I eat really slowly, I'm noticing it's a pretty big problem with my schedule) and watching videos on wire-wrapped jewelry and stuff. I want to take that small quartz piece I worked on the other day and put it on a ring, I think that would be sick. I'm just not sure how. I really struggle to visualize these wire pieces, it's weird. I can visualize mandala stuff easy (when I do), zentangle style I tend to just... do without thinking, and the realism stuff I usually use reference. Trying to come up with a custom wire design feels similar to like... you know those metal puzzles you get at hobby shops or whatever? Where you have to like get a ring off of a bent metal shape or like, figure out how to untangle two entwined metal shapes the right way? I feel like I'm making one of those. And my brain just starts shooting sparks sometimes. So, my counter to that has been to look for inspiration, and just put my own detail work on it, my own embellishments. I found some cool designs that I'll probably come back to tomorrow or something. I didn't actually get anything hands-on done today, but that's okay, research is still work. I did find a video on pricing jewelry, which was really helpful, and definitely applies to my other artwork as well.

Hell, since I'm on it, let's go into this weird thought. So... people seem to think when they're paying for artwork that they're just like... helping the artist recoup the cost of supplies. People I've talked to, at least. They really don't do the math on like... labor... skilled labor, that is... And my work, well... it varies. So let's touch on the two topics one at a time so I don't forget because I 100% will.

Supplies - Since college... well... actually since before that, if I'm being honest... I have been making art on pretty much fucking everything. Mostly cardboard, but also scraps of wood, sheets of lined paper, whatever the fuck I was either close to at the time or called to me. A lot of my art evolved into this concept of beautifying things that were destined to sit around and collect dust... or fated to be thrown in a landfill. But it wasn't really a conscious thought so much, it was just... "Oh, I want to do this piece and... that piece of wood over there, I could see it on that." Or the reverse, when I stumble across a piece of cardboard or something and go "oh, I could see a cool abstract design right here, etc. etc." I strayed from using traditional art supplies so much that in drawing class, I made my own paint pens with shoe polish applicators and acrylic paint so I could use the same paint I was using for painting class. Don't get me wrong, I still bought paint, I still bought Micron pens, I still bought Prismacolor pencils. There's no real substitute for that. And once I found the combination of Bristol paper and Micron pens, and Prismacolor pencils... *chef's kiss*. That's a lovely place to draw. So what I'm kinda saying is... my supply cost has never been that high at all. Sometimes, especially with like... carving found pieces of wood or shaping found stone... the supply cost is like... fractions of pennies, or nothing at all. It's almost not even worth calculating.

Labor - That leads into this tricky bitch. I tend to work slow. I always have, I always will, it's just what I do. It's my speed. Let's use my profile picture piece for example. That one, at the point of the picture, was over 40 hours in. I had it documented, I streamed the entire process of drawing it. So... say a friend really wants that piece. And they think my skills are worth the wage of a $20/hour job. Which is literally a McDonald's wage right now. So... hi, self-worth, let's try $25 so I don't feel like the past 15 years were a waste of time. It's a start. So $25 x 40 = $1000. Not including materials... and, as we said, that's a tricky one because like... how do you charge for one sheet of paper and fractions of pencils? How do you even do the math on that? Welp, Strathmore says their sheets of Bristol are about $0.50 each. Let's assume the pencils are around the same, so let's make that an even dollar. Double that shit so I can recoup my losses. Wow, we're adding 2 dollars, woohoo! $1002. Now we're at wholesale prices. So, I'm supposed to double that again for my friend. That's my sales price, even to friends. $2004. And then, if market value should be higher because, you know... it feels like it should be valued higher... then I can adjust that accordingly.

I'm going to say this out loud (in text), it feels weird talking about this. But here's the rub, and probably the reason it feels weird to talk about it. I WAS NEVER TAUGHT THIS. No one has really even had a discussion with me about this! I learned this shit literally tonight, from a handmade jewelry artist in Canada on YouTube. I did 3 years as an art major, I worked as an artist's assistant with an internationally renown artist and I was never actually taught how to value and sell my own art. I am 30 fucking 6. I have been doing art professionally for 15 years. And I don't know how to price my shit. And I'm worried people will rip me off. Because literally everyone I have done work for has ripped me off and taken advantage of my compulsive generosity, humility and self-sacrifice. So... maybe that's the reason I don't have a successful, flourishing career? XD Ya think?!

So yeah, if you're an art educator, please go to your department head or whatever and sit them down and insist that they teach art students how to value and price their own work. At least to get a ballpark. At very least what I covered here. And please stress that there aren't rules to this shit, that you can go high as the sky if people want to pay that - and if someone wants to pay that much in appreciation of art, there should be no negative feelings around that.

So yeah, I guess I'm saying this because I remember people watching me make this owl piece on Twitch and they just... didn't really seem to value the training and skill that went into it? They thought I was just doing it as a hobby or something? Which is really fucking strange, and kinda hurts, you know? Maybe they didn't access enough brain cells to even get that far in their train of thought. But I'm just gonna level... I don't think a single person that went "wow, that's amazing!" when they dropped by my stream would be willing to pay full price. Even if they knew how many hours went into it. I doubt they'd be willing to pay half-price. And that's the kind of feeling and vibe that sends artists who like... enjoy food and shelter and all that... into this frantic mode of like... "what else can I do?" "What different can I do?" "What outside of my natural inspiration and creative drive can I do to accommodate to cheap people who buy bargain bin knockoff shit from factories in China?" "Can I scan this and sell a cheap print version for a fraction of the cost?" "Can I get them to subscribe to Patreon for $5/month and have my piece gather dust for 2 years?" "How can I sell out and still maintain my artistic integrity?"

Ugh, this is what happens when I get into the sales and business side of... my business. I fucking hate it. I'm not made for this shit. Give me a piece of wood and I'll carve cool shit in it for 6 hours. Give me a raw stone and I'll sand it down into a beautiful faceted centerpiece. Give me inspiration and I'll spin you gold from hay. But I cannot say this enough times. I'm so fucking tired of saying it. I. Am. Not. A. Salesman. This shit straight up stresses me out.

Aaaaaand I actually managed to lose my own interest! *standing ovation* Well done, me! Enough of that economic sales and marketing garbage, good lord. I just want to make cool shit. I really really hope that someday I'm lucky enough to have someone knowledgeable in my life - a partner, an assistant, a mentor, whatever - who enjoys that kind of stuff, who I trust, who can take over so I can just focus on creating. That and marketing are the missing pieces that would make me flourish.

Anywho, wasn't planning to get into this shit, thus is the nature of stream of consciousness. Today was a good day, lot of accomplishments, and I don't want to get bogged down by this whole "hermit can't sell his art because he still gets super overwhelmed around people" thing. Don't wanna lose sight of what today was about. Pushing outside of my comfort zone and finding great accomplishments and rewards for doing so. And cookies. =D

[zakubabbles]

Woke up a little later than I anticipated and now I feel I'm running late for, um, nothing really. Nothing urgent anyway.

Finally vacuumed the car. And while doing that I found my utility knife! I was so happy! It's been missing for a bout three years now. I just really like my knife, okay? We've been together since college and it's a good knife and yes I have pack bonded with it. It's my Squishy Sharpie. That said, I have no clue how it even got in the car. Last I remember it was in the small guest room.

I also wiped some of the dust off from the dashboard and inside. Should also give the back a wipe.

Then I tried replacing the windshield wipers. I've done it before on my other cars, but this was my first time with this vehicle. Struggled a bit to figure it out. I managed to take one off but when I tried to insert the new wiper it would not snap into the J hook. Maybe I'm too weak or I dunno what. Regardless, decided to take a break.

I noticed I had made a mistake in my wiper purchase. I bought two of the same size when the driver's side should be longer. Ugh. Eating some pizza now and will then go back to AutoZne to return one of the wipers and buy the appropriate size. I guess come back and replace here and get inspection done.

I do need to rotate tires. We bought new tires in 2020 and haven't rotated them once. ^^;

We rarely drive though! And when we do it's just a few miles radius to the grocery store or my parents' house. I don't feel we're in danger tbh.

Oh no. I've sat down and now I'm feeling too tired to get back up again.

[piraticalarchive]

It's the end of 2020 and the start of the new year is here at last, and I wanted to tell you that despite the struggles we've faced this year, despite the hardships, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Because this year we found US again. We grew stronger - together - than we ever were before, and I have fallen more in love with you than I ever believed possible. I don't regret any of it, I only hope the new year is as full of love, hope and happiness as I've had with you this year. I love you.

hey hey hey - I was gonna save this. I really was. I was going to keep it in my inbox so I could scroll past it and smile every time, but, I want to publish it. I need to publish it. See, I’m bad at the talking thing. As you know. I’ve never been good at expressing myself through anything other than the written word, and my medication has made things like ten times worse with all the tongue tying lmao. So, if I saved this, and tried to tell you what I want to tell you now through words instead of writing - I don’t think I could get the message across.

I’ve rang (rung?) in seven years with you. I still remember the group chat when 2015 was coming up, and people kind of dropped off one by one because we were all in different time zones and soon it was just you and me. Watching, waiting - and then telling each other happy new year. The next year, I was with you. We drank horrible (no offense to all yall who like it but ugh) sparking grape juice or wine or whatever it was - and clinked our glasses together and sealed it with a kiss. Every year since, we have done something similar - though, thankfully, you have yet to offer me any more of that type of drink haha. There have been a lot of new years in my life - ones I remember, and one’s that (probably for the better) I don’t. I didn’t know that counting down to 2015 was really counting down to the biggest change in my life. That exactly 44 days later (on my blog’s one year anniversary) that I would be confessing the thing I swore I’d never confess. Uttering those words that I swore would never pass my lips with any sort of meaning, to anyone.

It hasn’t always been easy. Neither one of us are the easiest person to love. We meld together like - uhhhh. Fuck I had a metaphor and now I can’t think of it but like. Fuck. I don’t know. We blend together and become us very well, but sometimes our different... states??... can become very apparent. Loving you is nothing like I thought it would be. I used to write about love, shipped those little rp ships with every idea of ‘love’ I had in my mind. I took what I knew from books, from shows, from what I thought I had felt - and I thought I understood. But, boy oh boy, was I wrong.

Love is patience when you wanna drag the other person down the stairs by their hair because they’re taking too long to get ready. Love is pushing your pride to the side long enough to say I’m sorry because no matter how big your ego is, it’s not worth hanging onto to watch the other person suffer at your words and or hands. Love is support even when you fee like you don’t deserve it. Love is making someone toast because that’s all you know how to cook but you want to do something, so you try. Love is washing their hair because their depression is taking over and doing something even as simple as that just sounds like too much work. Love is “drive safe.” and “call me when you get there” and “please be careful taking Charlie outside. It’s slippery.” Love is the little things that add up to so much more. The kiss before sleep, bringing someone’s pills to them in the morning so they don’t forget when they fully wake up, holding hands walking through the grocery aisles because there’s just something so warm and comforting about your fingers interlocking with theirs - it feels safe. Love is sharing videogames and fighting over consoles (I’m kidding, we don’t really do that) and splitting up the chores so that one takes the dog out and vacuums and does dishes while the other takes care of cat litter and cleaning the bathroom because neither one of you want to do the other person’s thing.

Love is .. you. That smile you give me, the way your brow quirks when you’re trying to be funny or make me forget why I’m mad. The way you cut your own bangs at 2 am because you can’t sleep and gosh dangit they were in your face, how dare they!! Its the way you pull things off of shelves when we’re at the stores like “ooh do you like this, isn’t this cute?” with that beaming smile and that little laugh when I stare at you because god damnit I love you so much and sometimes I think I’m going to burst from it. Its the way you sit awake at a moment’s notice when all I do is say your name. Its the way we face our demons together, side by side, unrelenting. Love is the life you have given me, the things you’ve showed me - every day I wake up is a gift you gave; every laugh, every smile, every moment of wonder - I owe it all to you.

So here’s to us, love. Seven years down the road, older and (in my case, grayer. I’m still bitter) wiser. We’ve grown both as writers and as people - and I never thought I’d say it, but if we were a tumblr meme than the countdown on my wrist reached “00:00″ the day I met you. Do you remember that? Jeez that shows our ages I feel like lmao. My soul calls out to yours, I think it always has and I know it always will. I carry your heart with me ( I carry it in my heart).

There are so many things I still want to say, thoughts and dreams and wishes I don’t know how to express. But they’re you, they’re all you. And I guess the only thing I can say right now is, I’m yours, you know. And I’ll love you still in hell <3

[woorenergy]

Hai! maybe something along the lines of "don't lie to yourself" for desleep/remceit?

I loved writing this one !! thank you :D and sorry, I took my time ;;

Pairing : romantic Remceit (Remy/Deceit)

Wordcount : ~1030 words

Warnings : Arguing, crying, swearing, ambiguous (?) ending, workaholic character, sympathetic Deceit. lmk if I need to tag more !

(Deceit is Dorian in this fanfic)

/////

“I’ll be back before you know it, sweetheart,” Remy had said by the end of the afternoon. And as foolish as it was, Dorian had believed him.

Both of them were short on money, but Dorian wasn’t worried that much. He had live like this before, and he knew how to save money. Remy, however, couldn’t help but stress over the smallest spending they made- even for the groceries. It was even worse when Dorian broke his arm a few months ago : Remy had been an emotional wreck until Dorian was in better shape.

Remy had accept a job for the night. It wasn’t the first time, and Dorian wouldn’t usually get worried. However, his partner hadn’t stopped working for the past few weeks, and this week-end was the only moment he could have had some rest. “I’m fine, you’re overthinking,” Remy had grumbled one day, but the man was no dummy. He could see the heavy bags under his boyfriend’s eyes behind his sunglasses.

When Dorian was considering sending him a text to see if he was okay, the front door unlocked, and Remy stepped inside.

“Wh- Dorian ? Are you still awake ?” He asked, hanging his leather jacket on the coat rack, his backpack at his feet.

“No, of course not, thieves are inside and they turned the lights on.”

“Okay, just tell me I’m a fucking idiot next time instead of wasting your time.”

Dorian felt his chest tightening but thought dropping the subject and moving on was better. “How was work ?”

“Shitty, but I’ll get paid.” Oh, how many times Dorian had heard that one before ? “I won’t be staying for too long, though. Three hours, to be precise.”

A deafening silence fell between the two men.

“What did you say ?” Dorian asked with a small voice, not believing the words his boyfriend had just spoke.

“I said I had three hours before I go back to work. One of the grocery stores I worked to last month need people, at least for the morning shift. They’re still unsure for the afternoon, though.” Remy yawned and, finally taking his sunglasses off, rubbed his eyes. “So yeah, I’m gonna take a nap, maybe a shower, and I’ll head there around six.”

Without any warning, Dorian stood up from the chair he was sitting on and walked to Remy, so the man couldn’t walk further- well, he could easily manhandle Dorian as he was way taller and more muscular, but they knew they would never harm each other in any way.

“Don’t even think about it.”

“So what, you’re gonna lock me up ? I’d like to see you try.”

“You can’t- you can’t just go there and exhaust yourself. I mean, look at you ! A short nap won’t make things better, especially not for your health ! Besides, when was the last time you’ve had an actual meal ?”

“Ugh, for fuck’s sake,” Remy sighed, avoiding the question. “It’s like you don’t even care about what we’re going through !”

“I care more about you than money, Remy. I know you need rest !”

“I don’t. I’m not that tired !”

“Don’t do that,” Dorian shook his head, walking closer to the other, “don’t lie to yourself, that won’t work.”

Remy came closer as well, and he had to look down. “What should we do, then ? Tell me, since you seem to have all the answers to our problems.”

“I can’t claim that I can solve everything, nor ignore our shitty situation, but-” Dorian felt his eyes burning, and he knew if he raised his voice, he was going to burst into tears. “I can’t stand to see you working yourself to the bone and pretending everything’s fine. What if you have an accident at work and end up to the hospital ? What if you fall asleep while you’re driving ? Wh-What if you get seriously sick !?”

Dorian slammed his hands against his mouth when a sob escaped him. He wasn’t looking at his boyfriend anymore, but he could feel him staring, and he had no idea if it was a good thing or not.

“You mean the world to me, Remy. I’m not- I don’t want to manipulate you, but I’m really, really worried for you. Please, call that grocery store and tell them you can’t come. You need rest, and you know it.”

As he expected it, when Dorian look up again, he met Remy’s eyes, staring intensely at him. He gently brought his hand to Dorian’s face, brushing a few strands of hair off before cupping his cheek.

“Are you really worried about me ?”

“You truly are a fucking idiot.”

Yet, Dorian couldn’t help but sink in Remy’s embrace, hiding his face into his shirt. A pair of arms came around his shoulders, and a hand buried itself in his hair.

“I’m sorry,” Remy whispered after a while, “I had no idea you felt like this.”

“Of course not, you know I don’t talk about my feelings that easily. Besides, we didn’t even have time to talk about it. I’m not saying it’s your fault,” he added right after, running his own hands up and down Remy’s back, “you’ve done your best to give us everything we need. Don’t be too harsh on yourself.”

“Still, I’m so sorry, Dee, I didn’t mean to make you feel like this.”

“Shht. Now please, cancel whatever you had planned to do and stay here. Stay here, and come sleep with me, okay ?”

Dorian couldn’t help but feel anxious when Remy took his sweet time answering. “Yeah, okay. Let me call them and I’ll join you in bed soon.”

Taking a step back, Dorian left a quick kiss on Remy’s cheek. “We still need to talk.”

“Fair enough. Now go to bed, I’ll be back before you know it, I promise.”

Dorian opened his mouth, his stomach twisting at this unsettling feeling of deja vu, but simply nodded and made his way to their room.

[pbandjesse]

I feel exhausted. Today was a good day but I was not my best self at all. I wish I could fall asleep. I have been struggling so hard to fall asleep. It sucks. I really hope I can do it easier tonight because I have a long day tomorrow.

But even with being so tired I had a good day. I woke up briefly when James was leaving for their appointment. And would come home and would wake me up for real before they left with Gabe, who is in town this week, and they went for a bike ride to Annapolis.

It was really windy out today. Colder then I expected it to be. I didn't get out of bed until almost 10. Which we all know I hate. I want to be up and doing stuff. But I was so tired.

Once I did get up I made the bed and went and got dressed and things were done. I had breakfast. I watched videos. I just wanted to lay on the couch and do nothing. I did not want to go to my awah class. I did not want to go to my meeting. I was just very upset that I was so tired.

But I tried my best to shake it off. I got myself together. I did my makeup and felt cute. I would feel alright enough. I brought a cup with a straw to encourage myself to drink water. But would forget it in the car like a dumby.

I left for the hospital a little at noon. And it was a quick enough drive over there but people driving behind me were making me nervous. I idea what their problem was but I felt like they were annoyed with me not going super fast. But I know there are speed cameras on that road.

I lucked out though and got free street parking. And I was early but I figured that was fine. I actually had to go back to the car twice. Because I forgot my apron. And then wanted my sunglasses. And then I still forgot my water. Ugh.

I went up to the floor where I thought the classroom was but couldn't find it. So I went back downstairs to wait for Julie, the other teacher, and thankfully she had all the materials so she was very easy to spot.

I introduced myself and helped her carry stuff upstairs. And we found the class in the second try. Excellent.

We got set up pretty fast. And things were great. The project was decoupaged boxes and affirmations. And soon students started coming. They were all adults, but one young woman brought her baby and toddler. The toddler would draw and watch videos. But the baby, Bailey, was in the move! She was so stinking cute. Didn't cry the entire two hours. She was giggly and fun. I got to hold her and play with her once everyone was doing their art. I would carry bailey around and show her everyone's art and made her laugh which was great.

I also made my own box. Because I like to do the art with the class if I can. Feels weird to just stand there when they don't need me. But they were all so nice. And Julie is a very good facilitator.

I didn't realize this was an hour and a half class. Which honestly is better. And our clean up didn't take long. Some because I organized everything and tidied as we went. I washed all the brushes and we cleaned the tables and said goodbye to everyone!

And then it was a hop skip and a jump over to Hamden. I had to get to my meeting with Craig at the craft castle. I hate parking on the avenue but I found side street parking and got there just before 3.

And Craig was so lovely. The space was super nice. And he was so welcoming. We talked for about an hour. About what I do. His goals and aspirations for his space. And like even if it never leads to anything it was so nice talking to someone who has such similar values and wants to build community and encourage making.

I was starting to talk about James when I saw them walk by the door!! So I would say good bye and go and catch my husband.

We walked back to the car together and then drove to the grocery store.

We got all caught up on each other's days. And got some groceries. We didn't need a lot. Some staples. Some snacks. Paper products. James panicked at the register and felt rushed for no reason. I couldnt reach everything in the cart. It was all fine but James was stressing.

Soon we would head home. And I was really tired. And I would basically spend the rest of the evening resting. I painted my nails. James made us some food. And eventually they would go do this podcast and I would get in bed and just was. A little potato. I was just really exhausted. I didn't want to sleep because I want to sleep better tonight. So I forced myself to stay up.

Eventually James came and laid with me. We had cereal. Sweetp was here. And then I took a shower and washed my hair. I feel better right now. But man am I sleepy. I really hope I can sleep great and feel great tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have a long day at the museum. And then I have to run over to target. I hope it's fun. I think it'll be fun. I hope you all have a great night tonight. Sleep good. Be safe!