#edgars the barista. obviously.

[bonerey]

wbg coffee shop au. the time travel still exists tho

[nolanhollogay]

jj and edgar for the otp ask?

🥰🥰🥰 thank you 4 sending

+

Coffee shop AU: edgar is the barista and jj is the customer! edgar definitely writes his phone number on the reciept i fear

Highschool/College AU: this one is obvious but edgar is the straight a student & jj is the slacker, and i think they would have a tutoring meetcute

Rivals to lovers AU: edgar, who feels very deeply, takes it So seriously, jj is just doing it bcuz he thinks eds is hot when hes mad

Enemies to lovers AU: ooh inch resting... i think edgar would switch sides depending on the situation, jj is very set in his ways

Soulmate AU: edgar, hopeless little romantic, would be foaming at the mouth waiting to meet his soulmate, and i think jj would be all Fuck The System the universe cant tell me who to love but then its edgar and hes like wait.. maybe it can

Single parent AU: jj would be the single parent and edgar is his New Love who his kid instantly adores send tweet

Doctor AU: oh god neither of them could be doctors... i think edgar could be like a nurse? and jj is the patient who wont stop flirting with him fhfhf

Bodyguard AU: BODYGUARD JJ!!!!!!!! edgar is his charge who he is pining after sooooo hard

Pirate AU: jj pirate, obviously, and edgar is the Royal One but his ass would sign up IMMEDIATELY to get into some fuckshit

Childhood best friends AU: this is just Canon but edgar is the piner, jj is the one who realized later <3

[wardencommanderrodimiss]

halloween special 2019

(Or, Halloween Special 2027, because this is set immediately after Turnabout Academy but contains no reference to it besides the fact that Juniper exists.)

A Fae AU side story. A classic meme of the autumnal season gets a cannibal joke twist, and the real horror story is the friends we made along the way. Written with the profoundest apologies to the professor from whom I took an entire semester course on Edgar Allan Poe. 

----

It still feels like the crack of dawn, after the week they’ve had, but dawn is admittedly later in late October, and the sun is already risen, so it’s not early at all. It’s no one’s problem but Phoenix’s own that his brain is still zombified. Trucy woke him up, flinging her things all around the apartment to get ready to head out: Juniper has joined her trick-or-treating group that already consisted of Trucy, Vera, Jinxie, Athena, and Pearl, and Pearl still doesn’t have a costume, and now neither does Juniper, and Vera hasn’t finished making hers, and it’s T-minus two days until Halloween.

So he scrambled some eggs for his daughter and ushered her out the door after making her promise to say hi to all of the other girls for him, and then he crawled back into bed. Barely three minutes after, his phone rang. That was marginally better than his phone ringing once he had fallen back asleep, but this deprives him of the chance of going back to sleep at all, probably, and actually it’s not better. Phoenix doesn’t know why he thought that. He squints at the tiny screen on his phone to see that an impossible amount of symbols, including what looks like some Japanese characters, a pentagram, and a simplified pixel art hand making a middle finger. 

“Hello, Maya.”

“Niiick! I need you to settle a dispute!”

Phoenix groans. “Between who?”

“Hello.” Iris’ voice comes through as clear as Maya’s, clearer than humans ever are on phone calls. Magical speakerphone. Phoenix drops his face into his pillow. 

“Iris says that the only one of Edgar Allan Poe’s stories to involve cannibalism was his one weird-ass novel that he never finished. But he’s gotta have had more than that right? He strikes me as a cannibalism kinda dude.”

“I don’t know,” Phoenix mumbles into his pillow, and then, resigned to his fate, he lifts his head and repeats clearly, “I don’t know. I’m not the literature guy.” He knows Shakespeare, and what he knows about Shakespeare is that he needs to keep Maya away from it, else she might decide that Puck is a role model. “Iris would have more of an idea than me.”

“Nick! You can’t take your ex’s side over me!”

Iris giggles in the background. “This is an argument about objective facts, Maya,” Phoenix says. “I’m not ‘taking sides’ personally.”

“Okay, but, Montressor was definitely saving Fortunado down there to chill him to a good eating temperature and then have him as a snack with the Amontillado. Like that’s gotta be why he killed him that way.”

That’s one of the few Poe stories Phoenix knows. He can answer this one. “There was no Amontillado,” he says wearily. “That was the whole point of the story, Maya. He lied about having the fancy wine to get Fortunado down to the catacombs because that was the best place to kill him quietly. There wasn’t any cask of Amontillado.”

Maya gasps. “What?” She sounds so betrayed that Phoenix almost laughs and almost feels bad. “He lied? He can’t lie!”

Now Phoenix does laugh. “What, did you think he was fae because elaborately killing someone for some unmentioned slights is a fae thing to do?” She sounds more scandalized at the lie part that the murder part, which, for anyone even slightly versed in fae culture, does make sense. 

“Well—” Maya sputters. “Yeah!” She heaves an exaggeratedly loud sigh. “I guess The Cask of Amontillado really isn’t a story that implies cannibalism.”

“There was other wine in the wine cellar where he walled up Fortunado,” Iris says. “Perhaps one of those would pair with him just as well for Montressor’s meal as you imagine the Amontillado would.”

“You don’t need to patronize me,” Maya says, sounding less irritable than Phoenix expects. “But, oh, Nick, other question! Why would the narrator, obviously possessing greater strength and no morals, not simply eat the old man so as to get rid of his creepy staring eye and better muffle the treacherous tattletale heart?”

“Telltale,” Iris says. Maya groans at the correction.

“Bitch-ass snitch,” Phoenix says.

“No,” Iris says. “Definitely not. Now, to return to the heart of your question, Mystic—”

Maya and Phoenix both snicker. What follows is not a long silence, but it is a loaded one, and then Iris resumes speaking, her clipped tone betraying her annoyance with the inadvertent pun. “The heartbeat was not a real sound,” she explains, “but rather the psychological manifestation of his guilt at committing the murder.”

“Oh,” Maya says. “So it’s like when you want to get coffee you have to have a barista make it and hand you the cup because if you tried to serve yourself from a machine it always explodes back in your face. It’s not the machine that hates you, it’s you who hates you, and the machine is the expression of it!”

“That is…” Iris trails off, clicking her tongue in thought. “Actually, yes, similar, though no one but the narrator could hear the sound of the heart.”

“So he wasn’t fae either,” Maya says. “Otherwise the whole house would’ve been, ba-dum! That they all felt it! And then probably it would explode.”

“Y’know, if he had eaten the old man,” Phoenix says, because sometimes it is fun, a flex of creative muscles he doesn’t usually get to stretch, to play along with Maya when she has her inane musings, “he still would’ve heard the heart beating, right, because it was just in his head. But instead of yelling at the cops that it was under the floorboards—”

Maya knows where he’s going with it immediately; either he knows the way she thinks too well, or she knows him. “—dude woulda been yelling about hearing it in his own stomach. Man, can you imagine? You’re just some beat cop coming in to investigate and then the guy starts shrieking about killing a dude but instead of starting to tear up the floorboards to show you the body he starts trying to claw open his own stomach?”

Phoenix considers that. He decides that yeah, it would be pretty far over on the scale of fucked-up things he’s seen as a lawyer. Sort of like Matt Engarde tearing up his own face in despair and fury, but also way worse because it would involve definite cannibalism and possible disembowelment, depending on how far the narrator got in his attempts. “Yep,” he says. “That’d be fucked up.”

“You could write it,” Iris says. “Poe is public domain, is he not, and you an adult man who could get away with it under the name of ‘literary reimagining’ rather than it being called ‘fanfiction’.”

“No thanks,” Phoenix says. “I’m not gonna be the man who messes with the classics.” He’d pitch the idea to Larry if Larry made his name on literally anything other than wholesome life-affirming picture books. Actually, he still wouldn’t, because Larry is an artist as well as a writer and there’d be a chance that he’d turn it into painting rather than prose and that is a level of horror Phoenix doesn’t want to go to. Better just to stay on the level of Maya reading cannibalism into every horror story that crosses her path. 

(Would Athena call that projection? He is not going to think about that any longer.)

“Glad anyway you could help with our dispute,” Maya says. “Cuz” - she’s never settled on one nickname for Iris, but cousin or a derivation usually means she’s not angry with her - “was getting wistful when Pearly went off to talk shop with all your daughters, so she wanted to get in the holiday spirit and it spiraled. I made it spiral.”

As tends to happen around there. As Maya is wont to do. Phoenix isn’t surprised. He also decides to ignore the “daughters” remark. It’s not worth arguing that Trucy is his only daughter, and okay maybe Vera half counts, but on the other end of the spectrum, he’s known Juniper for not even a week. 

So instead he voices the matter that is bothering him. He’s afraid to speak it into the world lest she hadn’t thought about it, but he also needs to be prepared. “So, Maya,” he begins warily, “you planning on venturing out for Halloween?” 

He’s dreaded this holiday ever since that first year, when she figured out what trick-or-treat meant and decided that this was the most fae of holidays, what with one being allowed to threaten and extort strangers for goodies. It’s more blatant than the fae usually are, even. That first year, he had to keep her entertained and distracted all night, with candy and other sugary sweets and campy movies, so she couldn’t go and fulfill her suggestion of egging Edgeworth’s car as revenge for him being “a huge douchebag to us in court”. She had gotten the eggs ahead of time and stashed them in his fridge so at eleven they made a run to the corner store for other ingredients to teach her how to make omelets. 

“Nah, don’t worry, I’m staying right here. Pearly can have her fun. But you and I are totally on for our post-Halloween bargain bin on-sale candy shopping spree. You’re buying! It’s tradition.”

“Huh?” It happening three years in a row, and then not for the next seven years, does not a tradition make. “Objection!”

“Nope!” She sounds positively gleeful; he can picture exactly what her smile looks like, how wide and toothy. “Ignored! What’s it that judges say again - overruled! You are overruled! And your penalty is reading Poe for a refresher so we can talk about it more! We need to talk about the one with the cat because I can’t decide if the cat is fae! Or even if it’s one cat! I want everyone’s input!”

His phone display shows a pixel jack-o-lantern with a grin in a probable approximation of Maya’s. He drops his head back onto his pillow. “Goodbye, Maya.” 

The second Halloween, they carved pumpkins in the office; Pearl demanded they not have scary faces, Maya ate half of the seeds even before they roasted them, and Phoenix tried not to think about how last year at that time Edgeworth was around that they could consider the prospect of egging his car. When they dropped pumpkin guts on the floor, Mia flung it right back at them to get it stuck in their hair. The third year, they brought Pearl along for candy shopping, too, and she sat in the cart atop a throne of bagged sweets and pointed out clearance decorations she wanted for next year. They’re boxed up somewhere. He should find them for her and the other girls. For next year, or seven years later, it’s not that much of a difference, is it?

“And,” he adds, “I’ll see you in November.” Start anew. “Tradition, right?”

[pastelninjaimagines]

Akatsuki Modern AU Job Headcanons

Nagato

I oddly headcanon that Nagato would be great with computers in a modern setting, so he would have a job at a tech company 

He’d be a high-profile software designer and programmer. It’s a quiet and solitary job that would suit his personality but also a job that gives him control over how he does things. 

Definitely makes corny computer jokes about coding that goes over everyone’s head (aka Konan and Yahiko’s) unless they’re in the business

He blogs as hobby! He loves computer games and has a whole blog dedicated to reviewing games and other computer programs 

He also makes tutorials for whatever your computer needs would be. You spilt soda on your keyboard and now your computer is acting funny? He’s got you - here’s how to fix it. You need to know how to download something? Here’s the best and easiest way to do so. A virus? Here’s what you do to get rid of it and for good measure here are computer protection programs that he recommends. Any computer need and Nagato’s got you.

Konan 

Konan would be an elementary art teacher! I think she’d be really good with kids, very patient. She’d take the time to teach them origami and other styles of art. But besides teaching children how to make art, she’d also teach them art history

Her heart always melts when one of her kids gives her a piece they made for her. She can’t handle it. She’ll be displaying their artworks in the classroom, on her desk, she’ll bring some of the older ones home and hang up the artworks on her fridge she’s just so flattered that the kids would make art for her too

Kakuzu

Kakuzu would be a Wall Street tycoon need I say more?

He’d be an exceptional broker working his way up to managing his own mutual fund 

In a bide to make even more money I could see him turning his mutual fund into a Ponzi scheme. If not that then at the very least he’s committed insider trading or having his hand in some shady money laundering. The SEC has him on their radar but he’s too crafty in covering his tracks to get caught 

Hidan

He’d be in the military’s special forces it doesn’t matter what branch 

Hidan would have enlisted right out of high school and has no plan of getting out

He’s physically gifted and doesn’t shy away from any mission that he’s assigned. 

The only problem is his temper. He undermines his superior officers when he runs his mouth and often gets into trouble. He also gets too overexcited on missions which might lead to the mission being jeopardized or even putting his comrades in danger. His fellow soldiers kinda hate working with him 

Itachi

Itachi being the sensitive soul that he is, would be a poet. 

He has to write surrounded by nature, maybe in a park somewhere or by the sea and he writes everything in little black notebooks with a blue ink fountain pen. 

He takes a lot of inspiration from nature and often reflects on humanity by alluding to the beautiful nature around him. 

Other times he creates morose and gothic style poetry taking inspiration from Edgar Allen Poe who is his personal favorite. (It’s the gothic crow boy aesthetic coming through) 

Occasionally he would dabble in writing prose, only really doing short stories. Here again he would take his inspiration from Edgar Allen Poe, his stories being more of a gothic and macabre in tone. 

Once he tried to write a romance novel and got so embarrassed with himself that he keeps the notebook hidden away in the back of his closet never to see the light of day. Naturally, Shisui found the notebook and loves to tease Itachi about how corny it was. 

Kisame

Kisame needs to be working around water 

He might take the science-y route and become a marine biologist specializing in, you guessed it, sharks! 

Deep sea expeditions? Sign Kisame up! 

If he didn’t want to become a scientist he might work at an aquarium. He’d love to give tours and explain all about the various fish, they’re species habits, what they eat, where they roam in the wild, etc. 

Or he would be one of the people who do shows with the fish too

Alternatively I can also see him joining the navy. He’s very athletic and loyal to a fault. He’d be on the sea in a ship and be given a purpose and direction. 

Sasori

Sasori would be an art museum curator

It would be a quiet job for him where he’d be in charge of what art pieces to display and where in the museum he would display them. The museum would be extremely organized by style and the sections (Renaissance, impressionist, post-modern, etc.) would be categorized by his preferences and definition of art. 

He’s very opinionated. There would be no art in his museum that doesn’t fit his aesthetic

Alternatively I could see him as an old-fashioned toy maker 

Dolls, puppets/marionettes, little tinker toys. Most of his creations would be fashioned out of wood with some mechanical aspects that he manufactures all himself

He’d have his own shop with probably just him as an employee so there wouldn’t be excess noise

Many people would special order toys from him months in advance since he’d be a popular toy maker. 

Deidara

Canonically Deidara is 19 so I headcanon him dragging his feet through college so he wouldn’t have a full time job yet

He’d obviously be an art student concentrating in sculpture. He’d probably have a part time job to have some extra change. It could be an on-campus job working in the library or possibly being a barista (but he’d probably get bored of both jobs rather quickly) 

Once he graduated, Deidara would float from job to job not being able to hold a steady one (either from him losing his temper or just getting plane bored with routine) while making his sculptures on the side. 

Obito/Tobi

Obito would have one of two jobs: I can either see him being a nurse in a retirement home or a social services worker with children 

For working in a nursing home, it’s canonically show that he’s great with old people. Kind, patient, dedicated he’d spend so much of his time and energy trying to liven up the home he’s working at and make sure the elderly that he is working with are always having fun and have a smile on their faces 

Similarly he’d have the same goals with being in child services. He’d try to bring smiles to all the children he’s assigned to. And he’d try to make sure to find good and loving homes for the children, being an orphan himself he knows exactly how the children feel and he’d been a good counselor for them too 

Zetsu 

Owns a nursery (this has definitely been done before but what can I say - Zetsu is literally a plant...well half of him anyway) 

He has a greenhouse where he cultivates plants that aren’t generally grown wherever he’s living and are exotic - that’s his specialty 

Alternatively he could be a farmer growing crops like wheat, corn, etc. Or maybe fruit. I could see him growing grapes and making wine