#edit: its over an hour later and ive just been on social media and now i dont want tea. what. is my problem.

[strangerhands]

ughhhh i want a cup of tea but i also want to sleep like. now. and i dont wanna have to go peeeeeeeee.

[wygolvillage]

a new year's resolution

well, as of 2024 i’ve decided i will no longer be posting on tumblr... this shouldnt be the hugest surprise since ive been pretty critical of staff, the over-monetization of the website, the site culture, and the user experience for the past year and gradually reducing my time spent scrolling the ol’ dashboard- ive even mentioned my intent to eventually leave; well, that eventually is now! gradually ive found myself analyzing the effect that using tumblr for 7+ years has had on me, and the effects of social media in general.

ive never had to write a goodbye letter like this before. while ive joined and left several online platforms over the years, its always been a gradual fade in interest rather than a conscious decision to stop. never have i used a platform as long as ive used tumblr, over 1/3 of my life. ive grown up with tumblr, for better or worse. how do you write a goodbye for that? i guess ill have to try my best. because as important as tumblr was for me, ive recognized the way its hurt me too.

finding other avenues of online self-expression particularly has made me think a lot about this. when i edit my website i feel accomplished, happy, and content, feeling i have put something of myself out into the world, my seed to grow and garden to tend. when i scroll through tumblr i feel as if my brain is mostly idle, and when i do emotionally respond its often out of anger or annoyance, because anger = engagement and social media sites like tumblr WANT engagement. particularly because i have OCD ive found myself upset by certain aspects of tumblr discourse culture, as well- it is basically the Scrupulosity Website and much of the way i react to and interact with media has been colored by my years spent absorbing the viewpoints of said Scrupulosity Website! i even used to look up discourse topics on tumblr just to anger myself on purpose, which is a dangerous road to go down, to build up Enemies and Factions in your mind- this is how discourse culture works. the culture of tumblr teaches you to see the world in black and white, and to feel like youre always in danger of compromising your moral purity or being attacked by the morally impure. If You Don’t Reblog This You Are A Bad Person. even as someone who nowadays tries to stay away from discourse entirely, its still there in the back of my mind, because the way we interact on this website is colored by this. when im online i dont actually want to be angry all the time! in fact i like putting my effort towards more positive stuff. but additionally: tumblr made me unhappy but it also made me an addict

and yeah social media addiction sounds like a silly boomer thing to complain about but one thing i noticed when i started trying to curb my time spent on tumblr was that opening the site was damn near compulsive. we all know those “open tumblr, close tumblr, open tumblr again immediately after” memes but that did describe my behavior pretty accurately. the draw and allure of social media feeds is powerful, if i accidentally click the youtubes short tab ill find myself a half hour later scrolling through random shit i don't care about and asking well how the hell did i get here? i dont even like that stuff! tumblr is no different no matter how much the site tries to coast on the reputation of being the last social media that's a “remnant of the old web” and “has no algorithm”. i like my chronological dash but it is equally as addicting to scroll through the thousands of people ive followed over the years, as it is to scroll through the algorithmic feeds of youtube shorts, because that's just social media!

and kicking addiction is pretty damn hard. before 2023, i made two separate attempts at reducing my tumblr usage and both fell through within a week due to that addiction. for reference this current bought of thoughts about reducing my tumblr usage and making my online/irl balance more healthy, around the start of 2023 when i began working on my website and its taken me an entire year to wean myself off of the hellsite, bit by bit. theres a point where it stopped being a conscious act, and even as i was carefully whittling down how often i use tumblr with extensions like leechblock i still had that compulsion go off multiple times every day, its a really strange feeling. but now that ive found so many more ways to express myself online, i just feel more whole now... i guess what im saying is that when i post on tumblr my first instinct is to complain or wallow about something, when i post on my own handmade blog on my website i always want to talk about things that excite me or make me happy! and its been such a tangible change in the way i think and act and im certain its because of the way social media and tumblr have their own “societal expectations” and structure that is built to feed on this negativity loop.

and a lot of the biggest shifts happened when i began immersing myself in the ideals of the web revival, while creating my own website. finding things that genuinely interested me and niches i want to occupy made me so much happier. i know we make a lot of jokes about having mutuals we never talk to that mean the world to us and i do think that is indicative of something. like, when i post on a forum full of strangers i am engaging with more “face to face” (or the digital equivalent) communication than i do with years-long mutuals. how genuine are these connections, this dashboard, the enjoyment i got from that meme post ill forget in 10 minutes? (not to say that i don’t genuinely care abt my followers and mutuals. ykwim?) i can still get all the things i enjoy out of tumblr in a more curated form via rss feeds; ive been so much more proud of what i post and create and code on my website. what am i here for? i gradually realized that i am losing absolutely nothing when i “miss out” or block tumblr on my phone or what have you.

since starting working on my neocities site ive felt so much creative drive. ive created whole interactive essays and worlds and games and writings and so many things i could never host on social media. my website is a place of my very own, and ive been learning the value of focusing on what i put out into the net compared to what i take from it. its made me feel so much more fulfilled when i spend time online.

and let's not forget about staff. i have broader issues with how automattic in particular has gone about running the site. the ads only took up more and more of the dashboard, and every month it felt like there was some new paid feature doomed to never take off. all while the user experience gradually degraded. using the site without browser extensions to fix the ui and block the ads and tumblr live and all the other shit they threw all over the place makes it look like its ridden with viruses, and i think the fact that its become so normalized to feel like we have to stay in spaces that become increasingly hostile to us, even while the internet is so vast, is really strange (i mean, i also thought that way at first). but Anyway. so much time and effort was spent on features no one liked or wanted in some desperate attempt to get a little extra money, while staff members get in public fights with users who complain about getting monetization shoved down their throat. its so openly pathetic. the merch store had mostly mediocre designs and the digital tumblrmart is absolutely full of useless digital goods with free alternatives. considering this is a userbase that gladly donates to other sites donation drives for hosting costs (i.e. ao3, wikipedia, internet archive), i am shocked that staff never considered the obvious answer of a fucking donation drive once a year or so! the ceo telling people with concerns about the ads being unsafe for epilepsy to “just pay the ad free subscription” is one of the most disgusting things ive ever heard from someone officially representing such a platform. do not be fooled by the reputation tumblr has cultivated: all that it cares about is making money from you. tumblr is “in danger” because it can't turn a profit- because a profit is all they care about!

so why stay here when im happier elsewhere, apart from the addictive compulsion? that's what ive been thinking through for nearly a year, realizing that i have no reason to, and that weaning myself off of the addiction is in my best interest. i can create and blog and have fun online and connect with others and follow other peoples work all without the need for tumblr anymore! and i think id be all the healthier for it.

over the past year ive truly fallen in love with the internet again and ive loved putting myself out there, unrestrained in ways i havent felt since i was very young. but nonetheless ive learned a lot on tumblr, ive had some of the worst and best experiences of my online life, and i dont doubt that i would be a much different person if i had never been a tumblr user for as long as i was. but i had to break out of this shell eventually.

i keep going over this wondering how i can express every feeling in my head, how i can word everything just a little better, how i can make the perfect goodbye. but i think this will have to suffice.

you can still keep up with me online here:

-explore my website: i keep it consistently updated and im always adding new things and writing new posts on my blog! you can even speak to me directly on the site! if you sign my guestbook or use my chatbox ill try to respond :) if theres anything on this list you do id like it to be this one! i worked hard on it! you can even send me chat messages on my homepage! just keep in mind it may not display everything right on most mobile browsers, but it should be mostly navigable...

you can also subscribe to my rss feed. if you don't know what rss is, it allows you to use a feed reader to keep up with updates from sites all over the internet! my rss feed will notify you whenever ive made a new post on my blog or made an interesting edit on my site id like you to take a peek at :0 convenient, right?

you can also email me at wygolvillage@gmail.com to message me directly. if you prefer im also “wygolvillage” on discord

thank you and happy new years :) thanks for seeing me off as i sail to a new sunrise <3

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 3 - Michelin Star related suicide.

K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru, getting started with the third episode of The Freedom of Expression.

J, T: Yep.

K: Joe Yokomizu san and Tasai san are here again. So, how are we doing, after the second time?

Kami:*interrupts*

J: Ah, He's cutting in early today.

Kami: Yes, yes, yes. Im thinking a lot about my timing.

J: You're entering from every possible angle?

Kami: Yes, thats it.

K: What do you think after the first two episodes? We are on our third today, but does it seem interesting?

K: As a god, im kinda out of things to say.

J: Really?

Kami: Yep

J: You would think a god would know about all sorts of things.

Kami: I don't know all that much. *K laughs* Im studying, Im working on it.

T: Last time, the suspicion arose that he was poverty stricken, didnt it?

J: Yes, he pointed out he was a poverty stricken god.

Kami: I told you not to say that! *K laughs*

T: Sorry..

Kami: Its a problem.

K: After we finished last time, we ended up talking a lot about money, didn't we?

J: Yes, we did. *everyone laughing*

Kami: Yep, yep.

J: After the recording, Kami spoke non stop about money, didn't he? He is really attached to it..for a god. You'd think he'd be the one least interested in that, but he turns out to be the one most interested.

Kami: It wasn't that bad until then. It wasn't like that back on the radio show. It really has become a problem recently.

J: Oh now?

T: I see.

Kami: Yes, now.

K: Right, well, our third episode...

J: Yes, the title is 'Suicide resulting from Michelin stars - In the lawsuit of a former 3 star Michelin star chef, the court rules that....'

This is concerning the Michelin guide which was even popularised in a TV drama last year. In its country of origin, France, there is so much pressure, the fear of losing a star can even lead to suicide. A Chef who lost his third star even filed a lawsuit against Michelin. As for the specific story, Marc Veyrat, who runs the famous restaurant 'La Maison des Bois' in the Alps, recieved the long awaited 3 star rating in 2018. Just one year later, this dropped to a 2 star rating. Veyrat responded angrily, 'The quality of my food hasn't changed at all. Its a mistake in the inspection', and brought the case against Michelin. As well as demading the inspector's qualifications and the report to be made public, as his demotion has led to him to  falling into a state of depression, he is suing Michelin for the sum of just 1 Euro, or in yen, 120 yen. He has been telling the media of his discontent that the inspectors could not recognize the cheese Reblochon, from the Savoy region, and probably mistook it for the widely produced cheddar cheese. Nanterre courthouse in the suburbs of Paris responded, that as well as the evaluation of the inspector coming down to freedom of expression, the plaintiff did not show good enough reason that  his reputation had been marred. The famous chef was defeated, but the agony of chefs over the star rating is becoming a problem in society. By the way, simply put, the standard for the inspection, or the standard for the stars, is the food only. Not the restaurant interior, or the service. The food is assessed on the following five criteria. 1) The quality of the ingrediants. 2) The level of skill and amount of seasoning. 3) Originality. 4) Cost performance. 5) The consistency of the presented dishes on the whole. This is the same all over the world. As for the meaning of the stars, this is as follows. One star = Food that is particularly delicious within its category. Two stars = Spectacular food that is worth making a detour to have it. Three stars = Excellent food that is worth specifically traveling just to have it. The report is produced by a group consisting of the inspectors, the chief editor and all other responsible parties for the Michelin guide book. Every year they recieved around 45,000 emails and letters from thier readers, which they look through, and sometimes even do re-evaluations. ....Food!

K: Food...

J: Yep...I mean, reputation really controls which restaurants we go to.  Kaoru, what do you think?

K: Hmm, well, its an inspection isnt it?

J: Yes, its an inspection.

K: I was in Paris last year. There are loads of these aren't there? * the others laugh*

J: Well, yes. So, he didn't change anything about his food, but his rating still dropped, whats that all about?

K: Isn't it precisely because he didn't do anything new?

J: Oh, could it be that? If others are upping thier game, you will naturally drop.

K: There couldn't really be someone who mistook it for mass produced cheddar cheese.

J: You'd think, wouldn't you?

K: And then, maybe people are just different, no matter what it is. Even if its the same person..

J: Maybe they were feeling bad or something..

K: Hmm, an inspection is...Well, if it was sports or combat sport or something..the observers can easily judge the game, like..oh this one definitely won...But with music, or movies....appraisals of 'things', its different depending on the person isnt it.

J: Yes, you're right.

K: This type of guide is for people who want to expand thier knowledge, the Michelin guide ...For movies it would be the Academy Awards, and there are tv shows doing the same thing.  Its just to make things easier for people...so, in the end, it seems like it can't be helped really.

J: Well, thats it, yes. I dont know about Michelin, but Im in the position to do album reviews, so im in the place to award stars...and, its true, if its a genre you like, you just naturally like it, and are prone to jacking up the stars, but if its a genre you don't listen to, you feel unfamiliar and it takes a while to figure out whether its good or bad. So certainly, as for awarding stars.. asking people, well, im just repeating what you said Kaoru, its not objective information. You have to try and think about the aim. If the orgainisation drops a star from you it doesn't necessarily mean you are bad..

K: Its like a contest or that type of thing, you can still see who's winning the game..

J: Like 1-1, you can see whos winning in front of you, the circumstances are a little different from this though.

K: Eventually, won't it affect thier sales though?

J: I think so.

T: Don't you think diners also rely too much on this kind of guide?

K: You can check anything on your smartphone, you don't really know whats true.

J: You don't, there are these restaurant review sites where some people are paid to write good reviews, and some people are paid to write bad reviews, you know, to destroy thier rivals they will write bad stuff...So its difficult to know how far to trust that type of thing. By the way, Kaoru, do you refer to reviews in relation to food, or new music or anything like that?

K: Well, I do, yes. Guides and such...Usually, I  get information I want to know from all over the place. I ask people, like..'I want to eat this', or 'I wonder if that place is good' or something,  I ask people what they think.

T: But when you want to go to see a movie, do you ask someone who likes movies?

K: I'll read what someone has written about it, or I'll read what they've posted on social media.

J: The main thing is listening to people you can trust.

K: Yes, thats it.

J: Someone you are familiar with, or some well-informed person. Also someone you see eye to eye with.

T: Thats right.

J: If you go out for food with someone, and they say 'this is delicious', if you ask them what else they like, it will be the same kind of things that you like.

K: Really, I've never been to a two star or three star Michelin restaurant * the others laugh*.

J: Well, this internet age isn't going to end...

T: Right

J: Just how far will people trust this kind of assesment, or star rating?

T: Joe, have you ever been hassled by anyone because of this? By artists or such?

J: I havn't actually...I write what I didn't personally like, and sign my name with a star rating, then, 'this is what I think, but what do YOU think', to continue the conversation.

K: Our boss in our office, he was in a band a long time ago, and he got angry about something that was written in a magazine, so he stormed over to the magazine headquarters * the others laugh*  He might ????*1

J,T: Your boss, wow!

J: What was the magazine?

K: Oh, I don't remember..*laughing*

J: Which of them has the freedon of expression? *laughing*

K: They are both clashing with each other.

J: The moment their freedom clashed *laughs*

T: But, Ive heard that kind of story before...A hip hop artist or something, went to a magazine and tried to restrain or kidnap the editor. He took it that seriously.

J: Well, in a music magazine, if you write an article, its the same with interviews, you dont know whether the other party will see or hear it. For me, after editing, I think its good to show it to the artist once. Im only writing my ideas, and there are times where thats not the reality.

For interviews, you dont necessarily hand over the questions in advance, and if im just asking at random, the artist may feel on the spot and not be able to say what they really feel, so i think its good to show them once, to get the facts right.  With reviews too, i think showing them what i intend to write is important. But there are magazines where the boss doesnt get the content checked, 'you said it, so take responsibility', kind of thing. Thats a bit harsh, i think.

T: Well, yes. With interviews, I think its good to show the person. Protecting freedom should be kept independent.

J: Yes, yes, you are free to write what you think, but this is also keeping it real by checking if artists are holding responsibility for what they say. They decide whether they can really say that after checking it first.

K: There are times when you wish you'd used more words..

J: There are! Of course, its limited to the time and place of the interview, for example 1 hour, the time is squeezed. You have to get on with it, with little explanation..sometimes you need to supplement that.

T: Yes, you're right.

K: What do you think, Kami?

J: Kamiii?

Kami: *stifled laugh* Yes, what?

J: I don't know how to address him.

Kami: No no, don't worry about that, we are short on time.

K: Yes, our third installment is ending.

J: It felt quick today..somehow.

K: Originally, one episode was supposed to have two news items.

J: Yeah, i thought that.

K: But it didn't work that way, did it?

J: No, it didnt. What do the viewers think? Is one item enough? Or do they want two items at a faster pace?

K: If its too long, they won't be able to watch it.

J,T: Right.

T: A shorter video is better.

J: As for raising the number of views, right?

K: We talk about quite difficult stuff too, we should try to break into it as much as we can, make it interesting. Oh, and Kami, even his voice is interesting.

J: Its enough.

K: Well, that was the third installment, please tune in next time.

K, J, T: Thank you very much.

*1 I couldn't catch this. 

[kunrengui]

just sum venting, ignore :)

dont read if you have like some sort of family issues- trauma or something LOL

my family has been going through a lot of stress in these past 2 years and i feel like im in the only reason this family hasnt lost their minds yet. my dad takes out his stress by screaming at my mom, my mom takes out her stress by screaming at my (younger) brother and me, my brother is NUMB to all disappointment and im genuinely scared because my brother acts psycho and like actually full-on sobs and screams if he isnt allowed to watch vids or play video games all day or the wifi connection is weak or gets cutoff for a moment and thrashes things around but hes 10 and nobody is listening to my pleas of reducing his screen time because they cant deal with his tantrums when they try to. i feel like im losing my brother and then theres my parents who are on the verge of exploding all the time and im always on edge so im never seen scrolling on my phone or watching something kpop related because my parents are fking racist. Im always around the house doing things like getting my moms phone from the kitchen or getting my dad some water as soon as they ask me irrespective of what im doing and like if i hear my parents arguing about who is less tired to turn off the light while im the one actually sleeping i have to get up and turn off the light so my dad doesnt accidentally say something hurtful to my mom and my mom doesnt forget to make breakfast the next morning.

and like recently its been worse cuz my grandfather passed away 2-3 months ago idek it feels like forever so were staying at my grandmothers place that isnt even in the same city and i can feel my mental health deteriorating because i used to live here as a kid and i have a lot of bad memories i want to forget but here i am reliving them. anyways its 4 of us plus my grandmother so that makes 5 people sharing 2 tiny bedrooms a hall and a kitchen but the house feels like its divided into two because my dad and my grandmother dont talk to each other so they just stay on their own side and i share a bedroom with my grandmother and my brother. my brother sleeps in the middle but the bed is actually 2 twin cots with rock-hard matresses from the 1980’s awkwardly put together so the middle is uneven and uncomfortable but my parents wont let him sleep with them because he never lets anyone around him sleep peacefully (explains my eyebags) and he refuses to switch with me so now im also genuinely worried about his back. he also sometimes randomly screams at my grandmother and i glare at him and ask him to stop because its disrespectful but my grandmother screams at me instead because she is partial to him to the point where if she had to push me off a cliff to save him she’d do it in the blink of an eye and im not even exaggerating because this is a fact that everyone who knows her is aware of. shes rich and my family already knows shes going to write off her entire inheritance to my brother and idrc about the money but it hurts. like this one time my mum was talking about how she was going to preserve the land my grandmother owns so my brother can build a farm house there in the future like OKAY i get it we live in an indian society where youre just supposed to marry off the girl and give her 0 inheritance but that shit hurts lady. most of the time i even have to give up my portion of the food when my brother is suddenly in his psychotic mood where he wants other peoples stuff- my grandmother is my brother’s bodyguard, personal attendant and lawyer who’s current job is to either train me to be her successor or if I disagree then turn against me.

i cant blame anyone for the stress part tho. we werent as affected by my grandfathers death as we were by its after affect- he has a business and now my dad has to take care of that and 2 other businesses while also opening a new one and it doesnt help that all 4 require full-time attention. and in hopes of being helpful and fucking fixing this family, i promised to help with the advertising and the managing of the social media accounts of the new business. not even kidding ive been spending the last one month skipping classes saying they were either cancelled or unnecessary to work on photo and video edits for the store and promoting it. idk the last time i touched my textbooks and my parents dont know because im hiding the report cards. my limbs hurt from constantly using the stairs of the 4-floored store.

about half an hour ago my mum told me to refill all the water bottles while i was brushing my teeth and my dad loudly replied with a “Why does everyone give her all the work” out of spite for my mom. everytime he says that it makes me so mad i want to punch the wall because no matter how genuine he is, it sounds sarcastic to me because he makes no effort to help me. and it did NOT help when i lost the soft thing on my earphone 5 minutes later, making me feel like crying because my earphones are the ONLY thing keeping me sane here. the only escape from this. the only excuse i can give my mother when she asks why i didnt hear her call me in such a small house.

i just want to go home. i want my own room back. i want a pair of earphones plugged into my laptop, and i want to drown myself in Kris Wu music. i want to spread my limbs on my queen sized bed and pretend like i have all the time in the world to be bored.

i dont get why we have to go through this when were actually rich. im usually humble about it in rl but atp idec because i really dont get why we have to go through this when we can even afford a house in beverly hills or something. actually, maybe its because my parents dont have enough time or patience left to fix the bed or get a bigger house.

and then i open instagram to see people my age hanging out with their friends, having the time of their lives while im just rotting away here. the only 3 closest friends i have- one just stopped calling me after changing schools and making popular friends and the other blocked my number over some petty fight from months ago. thank the universe im still chatting with my 3rd at least.

but im okay because i tell myself im doing great. im patting myself on my back. im going to go back home at some point and im going to get myself a new pair of earphones.

im proud for staying strong. im proud for not nearing the breaking point. im proud for keeping it up for 2 whole years and im proud that i wouldnt hesitate to continue.

bless you for reading this.

[kpopreactionstoruinyourlife]

Song Girl - Part 15 - Sungjin Fan Fiction

Song Girl Masterlist

Part 15 - June 2014

Summary: it’s a date.

“Close your eyes.” Sungjin said, holding both of El’s hands in his.

“You keep doing this to me.” Ella replied, but her eyes were closed. He laughed as he slipped the ring he’d gotten onto her finger. Her hand gently shook in hers.

“Ok, you can open them.” He said, holding her right hand but letting her left release.

“Oh my god,” She said staring at the white gold ring on her finger. “It’s a cherry blossom, oh my god…” The ring featured a gold glittering cherry blossom with a smattering of small diamonds with a small pink opal in the center of the flower.

“Do you like it?” He asked, getting a tighter hold on her hand.

“It’s gorgeous, but it looks so expensive…” She said with a furrowed brow.

“Don’t worry about that.”

“I’m happy we went in on this together. Trusting you paid off.” She said as she moved her hand to admire the ring from a different angle.

“And it fits well, right?” He asked and she nodded, tears springing in her eyes.

“This is perfect. Thank you.” She said reaching for him. She kissed him deeply, holding onto his broad shoulders; his kisses could still leave her breathless.

“So do you want to see mine?” He asked as she tucked against his side.

“Did you get matching ones?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

“It’s made from the same gold, but no mine is just a band but it has your name engraved.” He said reaching under the collar of his shirt to pull out the gold band.

“Yeah, I struggle to picture you wearing a cherry blossom ring.”

“That’s custom actually.” He said running a finger over her ring.

“Sungjin!” She cried, prepared to reprimand him for spending that much money on a ring, or that much effort. It wasn't like it was an engagement ring. But the ring was beautiful.

“What?” He asked as his arm slid around her. It felt better to hold her than to not, especially if she was within reach.

“If this is what you do for a couple ring, what are you planning to do for an engagement ring?” She asked with a teasing smile. He leaned in and kissed her head.

“I figure I have enough time to save to get something even better than that one.” He said and she shook her head. She turned back to him, standing on her tiptoes and bringing their lips together.

“Thank you,” She said and he nodded, tucking his ring back under his shirt. “Amanda is going to think we’re engaged when she sees the ring.”

“Doesn't she know about couple rings?”

“Ive mentioned them but in the US its more likely that you’ll wear them on your right hand, reserving your left ring finger only for engagement and marriage.”

“But you're in Korea now.”

“I wonder if we could set her up with someone…”

“She's only here for about eighteen months, right?”

“Yeah, she's got a year left then she goes back to grad school in the US.”

“It's nice to know that not all your friends are ahead of the curve.”

“Oh she's brilliant, but she likes rubbing it in that I have to address her formally in Korean but then again we just use English. Its unlikely that we would be so close if we didn't become friends in the US, speaking English with the whole Chingu-Unni thing.”

“The last time you got together, how long exactly did you talk about kpop?”

“A few hours.”

“Fan girl,”

“I’ll be 5Live’s biggest fan.”

“That Masked Singer performance was so cringe worthy.” He said and she laughed.

“I just liked getting to watch you perform for the first time.”

“I prefer having my guitar with me.”

“Baron and Atom take good care of you.”

“They're talking about us doing more live performances.”

“It's been awhile since The Who Is Next stuff right?”

“Yeah, that was right before we started dating. They thought we might get to debut in 2014 but they went with Got7 instead.”

“Would I be allowed to come? I can just be a fan.”

“It's probably better if you come more as Jae's friend than my girlfriend.”

“As long as you know I’ll really be there for you.”

“Aren't friends supposed to be just as important as boyfriend?”

“Not how I see it. Amanda and Angela out rank you, and you outrank most of my male friends but I’ve known Amanda and Angela since I was twelve.”

“When you skipped a grade.”

“Uh huh, they are the sisters I never had. I think Angela's boyfriend is going to propose soon.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, Ryan called me on Skype the other day asking about everything Angela ever told me about weddings and engagements.”

“Why you?”

“We spent a night drunk making half a dozen Pinterest boards on weddings and rings. Well, she was drunk and I was sleep deprived, which means I was functionally drunk.”

“So what type of engagement does she want?”

“She’s not necessarily the romantic type, not like Amanda and I are at least, so she wanted a more simple proposal. I just told him to get a good bottle of wine and cook her dinner then propose over dessert, which could be store bought. I know Ryan can cook so that worked. She did want a good ring though but she’s reasonable enough that she doesn’t expect platnium when they’re twenty two years old.”

“So what would he do about that?”

“Gabriella’s husband, after they had been married for many years and had more money, got her a new engagement ring so I think Ryan intends to do that.”

“I’m surprised they’d be getting married so young, given your opinions on that.” He said before he checked his watch. “I think we should get ready to leave now…”

“Right…” She said moving around and gathering her stuff before going back to talking.

“They’ve been together for two years now. They just graduated and he just got a job in DC and she just got into grad school at Georgetown for linguistics. They’ve been planning their lives together for a while now. And their parents have been pressuring them just to get engaged already. She’s been obsessed with a practical wedding since she wants a feminist marriage. Do you even care about this stuff?” She asked stopping in the middle of putting lunch boxes in his backpack.

“Yeah, it’s interesting to hear about the people in your life that I don’t know.”

“Ok well...I think it comes down to a lot of stuff. I don’t think there could be a better person for her, he’s a good egg. He’s eager to start their lives together officially, and if they’re married, they can justify moving out of their parents’ houses more.”

“And her parents would be more willing now that he has a job.” He said and she popped up to look at him.

“Exactly. Who knows, he might be going to meet Mr. Kim soon.”

“Would you be the maid of honor with your Pinterest board?”

“That depends, it’s hard to fulfill the role of maid of honor from the other side of the world.”

“And they’d get married in the US?”

“Oh yeah, most of their immediate family lives there and the other’s have been talking about coming over to visit for a while.”

“So who all is in this friend group?”

“Me, Amanda, and Angela are really the center; Angela and Ryan met in college. Then all our similar-aged cousins are in the mix, so I think there’s about ten of us?”

“A whole wedding party?” He said with a knowing look.

“It’s liked we planned this from when we were children watching every marriage plot movie in the world. It’s ironic that Ange will be the first one to get married since she really used to hate that stuff. But maybe Amanda and I were too obsessed with romance movies, books, and songs, and idols, that we didn’t get around to finding the one.”

“How did Ryan and Angela meet?”

“They had a couple gen-eds together and he noticed her but didn’t have the balls to talk to her beyond small talk and she had a boyfriend, one that was more of a piece of work than my ex. He was kind of psychologically abusive, trying to gaslight her, but I decided to be intrusive since I was doing a lot of research into intimate partner violence and talked to Amanda and we staged an intervention. So they broke up but at that point she was put off from guys. A couple weeks later we dragged her to the frat party where we found my ex in bed with another girl. It was at Ryan’s frat and he was the one that supplied me with the beer I used to soak Charlie. He was gentlemanly, I even thought he’d be a good boyfriend but he only had eyes for Ange. It took several months for him to get close to her, they were friends for a while before they went out; he waited until she was ready and they’ve been together ever since. That’s how Amanda and I knew he was such a good egg; he was willing to wait. It’s hard to find guys who think anyone is worth waiting for with the plethora of option they see are available on social media and Tinder; if you find one that knows you’re worth waiting for, you know you have something special. There was probably a solid two months that Amanda and I were gaga were Ryan.”

“If that’s going to be your bridesmaid speech, you should probably edit it.” Sungjin said, slipping his hand into hers as they headed to the bus stop.

“Probably, and it should probably be in English.”

“Yeah, so for the sake of curiosity, what is your dream wedding?”

“A cherry blossom themed wedding at Jinhae.” She answered immediately.

“Really?”

“I think you underestimate my love of cherry blossoms.”

“So we would have a very pink wedding.”

“This is my dream wedding, it’s not necessarily practical. But I think that makes sense for us. Jinhae would be convenient for your family in Busan and my friends in the US could justify visiting with the festival and then pink. I love pink.”

“So in this wedding, what is there for me?”

“Live band, a hybrid between the more convenient Korean wedding and the blowout of American weddings, and then we can work out anything else you want and the cost.”

“I know my parents would appreciate it if we can incorporate more traditional elements.”

“Done,”

“And what kind of proposal would you like?”

“Such a loaded question…” Ella sighed, dropping her head on his arm.

“I didn’t know it’d be difficult.” He said with a chuckle.

“I think a proposal should be intimate, someone is asking you to spend the rest of your life with them, saying they want to spend the rest of their life with you. So I don’t like public proposals because they put so much pressure on the person to say yes and the proposal shouldn’t be about everyone else, it should be about the couple. The wedding is about everyone, including the couple, so in contrast should be intimate. I like scavenger hunt proposals, but at the end of the day I just want to share that moment with the person I love, I don’t need a choir or confetti.”

“That’s good to know.” He said leaning in to kiss her forehead while they waited for the bus.

“I can’t believe it’s been two hundred days.” She sighed, resting her head against his shoulder.

“And now we’re going to Namsan.” He said, rolling her shoulder to nudge her up to get on the bus.

“If only the mountain had a thousand cherry trees.” Ella said with a smile while they stood on the bus.

“You are obsessed.”

“I am obsessive, I’ll admit that.” She said with a smile.

“Is that the secret to your brilliance?” He asked and she shrugged.

“I think it’s that when I work, I work hard. Trying is half the battle, the rest of it has come easily to me.”

“You really are a genius.” He said and she shook her head.

“I’m not that smart, so are y’all really going to be doing more live performances?”

“We’re working on it but we really will need a drummer if we’re going to be a rock band.”

“Oh I hope you can find one.” She said and he nodded twisting her hair around his finger.

It’d been awhile since they spent quality time together. For most of the past few weeks, he’d only seen her for a few nights that they spent together but they hadn’t really talked or done much. They had regular phone conversations but she’d been more distractible and out of it than usual. She kept sighing all the time and the bags under eyes had only grown.

“Are you sleeping enough?” He asked abruptly, his gaze flicking to lock on hers.

“No, I’m not. I can tell I’m approaching burnout...Just two more weeks and then it’s vacation time.” She said, sighing again and resting her head against him.

“And you’re going to the US with Amanda?”

“Yep, I thought about getting a whole other suitcase for books.”

“You are obsessive.”

“Told you,”

“What has you so burned out?” He asked and she sighed.

“We’re desperately trying to finish the paper edits to get it published this year and Michael keeps giving me his work but I finally stood up to him a week ago and he looked scandalized that I actually did it. So I think he’s doing his own work today, and I told our boss about his nightly outings so he shouldn’t mess with me again.”

“You need to take of yourself…” He said running his fingers over her shoulders. He didn’t like how tired and put out she looked, but he had to study her face to even notice since she was trying to hide it.

“You don’t need to worry, it’s almost over.” A fuzzy warmth spread through her, spreading from his fingers on her shoulder. She knew he was still going to worry. He would always worry.

“I know your work probably outranks Amanda, and therefore me, but…” He trailed off, unsure how to articulate his thoughts. He didn’t want her to push herself too hard, past the point of burnout; he’d seen girls do it before and it was ugly.

“You recharge me.” She said, her arm around his waist and her body tucked against his side. Under his arm around her shoulders, her body relaxed and her eyes dropped closed. A small smile spread on her lips. She stayed like that for several minutes. Their connected bodies swayed with the movement of the bus.

She wasn’t lying. Being surrounded by him caused her stress to ease, oxytocin replacing cortisol. But it was more than that. Being close to anyone wouldn’t bring that reaction, only being close to him did the trick. Those several minutes later, she picked her head up; her mind was clearer and that anxious squeeze around her heart had eased. Lifting her gaze to his, she felt anchored in his eyes, like she’d come home, leaving her troubles at the door.

“I can tell…” He whispered, stealing a moment of intimacy in the crowded train.

“You can?” She asked and he nodded, lifting his fingers to her cheek.

“Your eyes aren’t as red, your pupils are not so dilated, and I could feel your muscles ease.” He said slipping his fingers down her spine. A blush swept into her cheeks as she pushed closer to him.

“Don’t do that in public.” She whispered, that color only deepening.

“Why?” He asked, moving his fingers back up to her shoulder.

“It turns me on.”

“Orgasms are good for stress.” He whispered, leaning in to drop his voice and prevent eavesdroppers.

“Maybe later.” She said and he laughed.

He had to marvel at how easy it was to be with her, how easy to read she had become in his eyes. Maybe they didn’t go out as much as they used to, but he also just enjoyed being with her. They’d cooked some meals in her small kitchen. She’d goaded him into doing a variety of face masks. She’d read to him until her voice went rough. He’d sung for her and tried to get her to play guitar.

Going about daily rituals with her was much better than doing it alone or with the others in the dorm.

He still found himself marvelling at her work ethic, her intelligence, her sense of humor, and he even found her fan-girling cute. She was still beautiful in his eyes, the most beautiful. He’d expected those feelings to fade.

“You’re staring at me.” She said, snapping him out of it.

“I love you,” He whispered, kissing her forehead again.

“I love you,” She echoed, still smiling. He started to believe that maybe he really could recharge her.

When they reached the mountain, they decided to take the cable car up and walk down. For this, Ella was wearing a pair of high waisted shorts with a loose t-shirt tucked into them, and a thin black and white flannel. Sungjin was just in his usual jeans, t-shirt, and hoodie outfit.

“Are you going to be good to walk down?” He asked and she shoot him a look.

“I’m not as clumsy as you think.”

“Don’t you currently have a bruise on your hip from your own fridge?”

“I’m not clumsy enough to fall down a mountain.” She said and he laughed, taking her hand in his again.

“Jae requested I film it.” He said as they moved a shop selling locks at the tower.

“Of course he did.” She said rolling her eyes before they arrived at the keyed lock display.

“What color do you want?” He asked resting his head on hers.

“You can pick,” She said leaning back to kiss his cheek.

“What about red?” He asked picking up.

“The color of passion.” She said moving so they could go to the register.

“I guess so,” He said before she tried to herd him to the counter. “Why are you trying to move so fast?” He asked as he laughed, amused by his petite girlfriend trying to get him to move.

She just blushed.

“Oh come on, tell me.” He said while they got in line.

“When was the last time we had sex?” She asked in a very low voice.

That wasn’t what he expected her to say.

How sensitive is her spine? He thought before he did the math for the last time they had sex.

“Two weeks ago at least.” He answered and she groaned.

“No wonder I’m sensitive, that’s so long!” She shook her head.

“Have you really gone from a girl who functionally had a psychological block about sex to not wanting to go two weeks without it?” He asked but he thought back to everything they’d done to resolve the issues around sex for her. Largely that had just meant focusing on her pleasure; he couldn’t complain since bringing her pleasure brought him pleasure. He loved watching his normally composed girlfriend unwind under his fingers.

“That is more of a compliment to you than anything else.” She said with an almost seductive smile.

“So are you being rushed because you want to go home to have sex?” He asked as they moved up in line, dropping his voice again.

“I thought we could test your theory about orgasms, plural.” She said just before they reached the register and he had to try to focus on paying for the lock rather the conversation about sex. Somehow he managed to get through the customer service interaction with a bright red face then he turned back to Ella.

She was giving him her most devilish smile, reminiscent of Jae’s when he was bringing Ella over when they met.

“This is supposed to be a very serious occasion.” He said pointedly, holding the lock box in his hand.

“I didn't think we did serious very well, remember when we tried to have a fancy night out and I got sauce all over my dress?”

“We return to you being clumsy.”

“You're the one who had to make me snort with laughter.”

“But this is serious, we have to take this very seriously.”

“Why does everything have to be serious?” Ella asked slipping the lock out of his hands and opening it with her more nimble fingers and nails.

“Because I am very serious about you.” He said with his dorkiest smile. She couldn't help both smiling and rolling her eyes.

“Cheesy boyfriend, so cheesy.” She said while she uncapped the permanent marker that had come with the lock.

“I think we should write something cheesy, too.” He said looking at the blank lock with her.

“To 200 days and many more, love you?” She suggested and he nodded.

“You can write it, your handwriting is better, and I’ll find a place to put it.” He said kissing the top of her head. So she wrote it and snapped a few pictures of the lock covered fences before he found a spot on the fence.

“Sign it.” She said handing it back to him. So he did before he locked into place on the fence.

“What should we do with the key?” He asked holding it up.

“There's a bin for them over there but wait…” She said leaning to him and standing on her tip toes. She wanted to be more on eye level with him, which was a feat given that he was several inches taller and she wasn't about to wear heels to hike. His hand immediately moved to hold onto her arm to help her balance.

“Yeah?” He said with a smile flirting with the corners of his lips. She leaned closer.

“Happy anniversary,” She whispered. Her eyes landed on his and she felt steadier again, lighter, happier. A smile spread over her face while he made a funny face at her. She had to struggle not to laugh and give him the kiss she had already set out to do.                                               

“Happy anniversary.” He repeated, ending it with a dramatic smacking kiss on top of her head. They spent a moment smiling at each other like dorks.

Then they snapped a couple more pictures (having to take several since he’d taken to making weird faces right as she took the picture) and headed down the mountain, stopping at a picnic table to eat the lunch boxes she had made.

“So you're going to be in the US for a week?” He asked while munching on the food.

“No, I am going to be gone for a week. But really I’ll only be there for like five days but the jet lag will mean that I will be able to truly enjoy the nightlife.” She said with a laugh. In her twenty years she had probably only enjoyed the “night life” about fifteen times, most of those being movie premiers and sleepovers, only having gone out to have fun a couple times.

He gave her a big eyed look.

“Are you going clubbing?” He asked and she laughed, shaking her head.

“Clubbing in DC is unimaginably different than Seoul, for example, clubs actually close and people go there around ten rather than midnight and it's less intense than here.” She said and he gave her a continued horrified look.

“So what are you going to do?” He asked and she shrugged.

“There's a karaoke place in Fairfax we like, it has a bar, not that I would be able to drink. I think we will all get together and do that. I am spending a day with my parents, a day getting stuff that I’ve been desperately missing since moving here to ship it here.”

“What have you been desperately missing?”

“Ease and availability in books.” She said automatically and he laughed.

“Didn't Jae give you a list of CDs to get him, too?”

“Uh huh, a very long list.” She said shaking her head.

“I wish I could go with you.”

“Oh my god I’ll be able to drive again! Thank god! Granted maybe I shouldn't drive...it has been a year…” She said and he stared at her.

“You can drive?”

“Yeah, I got my license at sixteen, and my mom promptly started tracking my phone to make sure I was actually going to my SAT and choir classes once I was allowed to drive myself.”

“What's driving there like?”

“I mean, driving in DC and Northern Virginia is unlike anywhere else I have ever been but Seoul and that area are not comparable. I love it though, but I have had a couple incidents.”

“Did you hurt yourself?” He asked, looking over her exposed legs, as if there could magically be an old scar appear that he had never seen before.

“Oh no, just my car, more than once.”

“So what I'm hearing is that I should not let your drive my car.”

“I do not have a valid license to drive here.”

“We could get you a bike.”

“I want a pink one.”

“Of course you do.”

“I want to live a pretty and pink life.”

“Isn't that an American movie?”

“Pretty in Pink is.”

He thought for a moment. “Do you wish I was fluent in English?”

“In the US it'd be more frustrating that you aren't but you have good English comprehension, which can get you pretty far but I speak both English and Korean fluently, so it won’t be that bad. Granted, I do mix up the languages a bit. I'm finally starting to actually think in Korean and I miss the informality of English. Like the honorifics and ageism is such a pain sometimes to have to be aware of that…”

“That doesn't answer my question.” He said and she sighed.

“It’s only really frustrating when it comes to media stuff because I consume a lot of English-based, American stuff, and I would love to be able to share that with you without having to translate.”

“Sorry,” He said looking down at the lunch box in his hands.

“I don’t mind that much, really. It’s only sometimes and the translating is good since that’s my job.” She said reaching out to him.

“I should probably try to learn English, or at least put more effort into it especially if I want to be able to properly meet your friends that are in the US.”

“My cousins all speak Korean fluently, and all the others are at worst conversational but I do have a few friends that are Chinese or Japanese Americans that don’t speak Korean but can speak English. The area I lived in had a lot of Asian Americans but my closest friends are Korean, because we all went to the same Korean church, at least for a while…”

“How does that work?”

“Well my cousins are first generation immigrants themselves, because they were born here and lived here until they were about five then moved to the US. I’m more one and a half or second generation immigrant because I was born in the US but it was also shortly after my parents moved to the US. Most of friends were either first or second generation as well with families that spoke Korean at home.”

“So they’re all bilingual?”

“More or less, Amanda and I are the only ones who have actually returned and lived in Korea.”

“Really?”

“So far, maybe they’ll come back.” She said with a shrug.

“I feel like I should be going with you, meeting your people and your family, especially since you met mine. Have you at least told them about me?” He asked, not liking how self-conscious he sounded.

“Of course I have.” She said with a pointed look. “I told them I started dating a guy from Busan who was living in Seoul, that I really like him and Amanda thinks he’s a good egg, and that you played guitar.”

“But that stuff like I’m an JYPE trainee or haven’t been to college.”

“Yeah no, I thought that would be best to conveniently leave out. My mom was hilarious though, she asked if you were one of my students like the second time we talked about you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I just said no and switched to talking about how she and dad met. Why do you want to go with me so bad?” She asked, looking at him with a curious expression.

“I feel a little guilty for dating you for so long when they don’t know anything about me, haven’t talked to me or met me. And I don’t like the idea of you travelling alone.” He added the last bit a little begrudgingly.

“I won’t be alone and I don’t need  you to constantly watch out for me.” She said after rolling her eyes. “I’m just going home.”

He nodded, looking down. He didn’t like when she called the east coast of the US, fourteen thousand miles away, home. He wanted her to stay, to consider Korea her home. He didn’t like being reminded of their differences.

He wanted to be able to share his life with her and have her share hers in return. He enjoyed getting to see more parts of her, hear more about her life, and be able to piece their lives together.

“You’re being silent, are you ok?” She asked, leaning over to enter his field of vision as he looked down. He couldn’t help but smile, leaning forward to peck her nose.

“I’m just thinking.” “I thought I was supposed to be the introspective one?” She said, fake-pouting.

“Am I not allowed to think anymore?” He said pulling her to him and tickling her sides. Loud laughs bubbled from her lips as she wiggled away from him.

“No! No! Stop!” She cried until he stopped and she caught her breath. Then she burped loudly. “Excuse me.” She said with big surprised eyes before she shook out her head and held her stomach. “Jeez, I hope that doesn’t make me throw up.”

“Can that even happen?” He asked while she gingerly sipped the water he’d automatically handed her.

“No idea, anatomy and physiology wasn’t my strong suit.” She said and he nodded along, slipping back into his thoughts while she leaned against his shoulder. A few minutes later of comfortable silence, they continued their trip down the mountain and back to her apartment.

“We’ve been getting too serious lately.” Ella said while they once again stood on the bus home. He turned to her with a raised eyebrow, flicking his bangs out his hair.

But he had to admit, some of the fun was gone.

“Really I’ve been too serious lately, and that probably rubbed off on you.” She continued, her brows knit together as she looked at him. As if one by one, the butterflies that had been admittedly dormant began to reawaken. There was a man who loved her, hadn’t judged her for her sex problems, took care to pay attention to her, and still made her feel warm and happy most of the time, unless she was too in her own head, which she definitely had been recently. A smile pulled at the corners of her mouth.

“You’re up to something.” He said, a smile spreading over his own lips. She nodded, her smile only growing as her hand travelled up his arm.

“I’m going to loosen up tonight.” She said with elated determination. Those anticipatory butterflies flipped through her stomach.

“And what does that mean?” He asked, chuckling.

“I’m going to get out of my head, probably with the help of a little soju.” She said, trying to remember if she had any in her apartment or not. It’d probably be best to pick up a bottle on their way.

“And where is this coming from?” He asked beginning to be on board with her friend.

“We’re young. I’m only twenty. I don’t need to be boring or heady.” She said and he laughed.

“So are your forming a plan in that brilliant brain of yours?” He asked and she nodded.

“I was thinking video games, take out, and goofiness.” She said and he laughed, flicking his hair again.

“Sounds like high school.”

“Maybe we can even make out later.” She said with a wink.

“I thought we were testing a multiple orgasm theory.” He whispered, running his fingers down her spine again. Her body shuddered against his, a flush spreading over her cheeks.

“Like I would say no to that.” She whispered, tucking against him. Her fingers hooked through a belt loop on his hip.

“I’m not giving you a chance to check your email.” He murmured. Her eyes sparkled with a brightness he realized he hadn’t seen in weeks.

“Good, don’t.” She said, stealing an obvious glance at his lips.

They both willed the bus to go faster.

Once it stopped in her neighborhood, they stopped at a convenience store to grab a bottle of soju before going up to her apartment.

As soon as the door shut, he pinned her to the wall, smirking as she looked up at him through her lashes, a devilish glint hidden from his eyes in their shadows. There was dare spelled out in the arch of her eyebrow. He was being a tease, not letting his body push into hers, one arm on the wall; a couple of his fingers barely flirted with the hem of her shirt.

The second his arm dropped toward her legs, she jumped into his arms and crashed their lips together. Her legs wrapped around his hips, her arms clinging to his shoulders while her back was pushed into the wall. He kissed her hungrily, desperately trying to satisfy an insatiable craving.

“Is that what trailing your spine gets?” He hummed when they finally pulled apart. He pressed hot kisses into the exposed skin of her neck, her small gasps tumbling from her mouth, precious gems.

“Let’s just go to the bed,” She sighed, a hitch on the last word as a second kiss elicited a barely-suppressed moan.

“Am I to carry you or…?” He murmured as his hands, hot and rough, pushed into her thighs.

“I can still walk.” She said loosening her legs around his hips.

“You say that like you hope you can’t later.” He said chuckling; she only smiled and took a gulp of the sujo. He waved for her to pass it to him and he took one, too, before he turned to set it on the counter. It’d been just enough to give her a buzz, enough to make her giggly as she turned on some bright music.

“There’s your goofy smile.” He said, a big smile spreading over his own face.

“I don’t have any work to do and I’m spending the night with my boyfriend, my very good boyfriend.” She stepped over to him, dropping her voice. “I love you, Sungjin.” She whispered as she stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. He felt unexpectedly lucky in that moment; he couldn’t help but smile.

Once she pulled away, he bent down and picked her up, bending her over his shoulder and making her shriek and desperately grab at his sides. “I thought we agreed I could walk?” She said with a pointed poke in his back.

“I wouldn’t be a good boyfriend if I made you walk.” He said laughing as he lifted her up again, letting her drop onto the bed. She shook her head at him, but her eyes sparkled with a laughter that was barely held back from bubbling out from her lips.

“Such a weirdo.” She said in a low voice, a glowing smile on her face. He shrugged, beaming back at her as he got up on the bed, hovering over her. Smiling bigger than he knew she had in a long time, she reached out for him and brought their lips together again. Before she rolled and end up on top of him, pulling away with an incredibly self-satisfied grin and flushed cheeks.

“You really get a content smirk when you straddle me.” He commented while she pulled up her hair. A seductive smirk spread over her swollen lips.

“Something about your boner and wide hips between between mine feels good.” She said, grinding against him to prove her point. He might not have been completely hard yet, but he was getting there.

“Wide hips? Are you calling me fat??” He said reaching forward to tickle her exposed sides. Howls of laughter burst out as she tried to dodge him without getting up. Ultimately he let her pin his arms down and steal a kiss as a means to her victory.

“Not fat, just wider, broader...You’re certainly bigger than me.” She said gently running her hand over his broad shoulders and squeezing his hips under her legs.

“I can’t believe you’re calling me fat.” He said but he was smiling.

“Objectively you’re broader than me!” She said defensively, falling off of him and laying on her side. “Come here.” She said and he rolled his eyes, chuckling as he moved to be the big spoon, aligning his hips with hers. As they laid on the bed, his hips were a couple inches taller than hers at least.

“Quite right,” He said as he dropped his head to nibble at her neck. She turned back to him, taking another kiss before she returned to straddling him. He had sat up, his hands working on running over every inch of her he could reach from her legs to her cheeks.

His lips traveled over their familiar trials all over her neck while his fingers found her flannel shirt, pulling it off her shoulders. His own hoodie was long gone and she was reaching for his shirt. He pulled it off, left to wonder if there was a greater sensation than her skin against his as she’d pulled hers off, too.

“I love you.” She exhaled, her body curled to his as he reached around her back to unhook her bra. He practically purred as her fingers tangled through his hair. He pulled her closer, revelling in her radiating warmth.

“You said multiple orgasms right?” He said with a smirk. His hands moved to guide her up, his fingers finding the button and zipper of her shorts to undo them.

“I thought we were testing your multiple orgasms being good for stress theory.”

“So what’s our control?” He whispered, smirking as she laughed.

“Every other time we’ve done anything.” She said as she flopped onto her back, kicking off her  shorts.

He paused to take her in, his beautiful girl, and he knew he was lucky to find a girl who would look at him the same way he looked at her.

She smiled alluringly at him, drawing him into her. It was easy to give in. He bent forward, bringing their lips together while his fingers traversed over her curves before landing against her core, over her heat. She moaned, pushing towards him while her legs fell open. She could hardly think of a better way to spend an evening than making love with him.

More moans tumbled from her lips while his calloused fingers ran over the only piece of clothing left on her body. Her body ran hot and her back arched as he increased the pressure. He teased her languidly, taking his time no matter how much she wanted to get there faster. Moving with a lazy sense of purpose, his fingers hooked through her panties and pulled them down. He drank in her small moans like nectar while he kissed her, his splayed fingers winding up her inner thigh.

A shock convulsed through her body the second his finger touched her clit, the most desperate moan yet bursting out of her lips. Her hips bucked, craving more than the light, teasing touches he was giving her. He gave in, unable to keep himself from smirking as she unwound while his fingers circled her sensitive bud and delved through her folds. Her muscles quivered and shook as she neared her climax, still bucking her hips and craving more friction.

Eventually, she finally reached her climax, nearly every one of her muscles quivering with ecstasy.

“Pretty eager, aren’t we?” He said with a smirk as his palm pressed into her hip.

“You were being a tease.” She said with bright pink cheeks, breathing heavily.

“It’s more being a tease. If I go too fast you don’t get as wet, as it is now, you’re well on your way to making a puddle.”

“That’s your pride talking.” She said, pressing a cool hand into her cheeks.

“You like it.” He said with a smirk, earning a roll of her eyes.

“I like you, and orgasms, but mostly you.” She said cupping his cheek in her hand.

“I thought you loved me?” He said with a cheeky grin.

“Yes,” She said and he shook his head.

“Think you’re ready for number two?”

“Don’t be such a tease.” She said pulling him back for a kiss.

“No fun that way.” He hummed trailing kisses down her body.

“Can’t believe you thought I was a tease.” She sighed, her eyes dropping closed.

“That was foolish, given the first time we made out, you left a hickey and bite mark on me.” He said chuckling, pressing a kiss into her inner thigh.

“Boldness is fleeting…” She said as her fingers slipped into his hair.

He hummed before his tongue landed on her clit, slipping down her folds before teasing her entrance. Without a thought, her body rolled and her teeth sunk into her lips. This time he wasn’t moving with any laziness as his tongue and fingers moved through her folds and slipped in and out of her heat. Steadily, her grip in his hair and her muscles tightening as she neared her second climax.

Once she had, he flashed her a smirk while he reached for a condom. “Do you feel less stressed?” He asked while she bent forward, pulling his briefs down.

“I almost always feel less stressed with you.” She said, pressing an automatic into his cheek.

“Almost?” “If you’re trying to surprise me, or have made me confront a fear, or are embarrassing me, I’m not exactly anxiety free, but like the work or life or school stress fades away around you.” She said slipping the condom out of his fingers and down his length.

“Are you saying you don’t like surprises?” He said moving to get on top of her again but she nudged him down again.

“I don’t mind your surprises.” She said pressing her nose against his before she moved to straddle him.

“You’re topping today?” He moved his arm to the support her as she angled herself to take in his length.

“Least I can do when you made me orgasm twice.” She said, using her fingers to guide his tip to her core.

He tried to swallow a groan as she lowered herself onto him, her tight walls surrounding his length. She let out a long breath, ducking her head into his neck while she adjusted her arms to get a grip on his shoulders. His hands dropped to her hips.

“I always forget what a good angle this is…” She leaned back, raising her hips to feel his dick slide out of her before she grinded back down.

“Go faster,” His hands dropped to her hips to guide their motion into a faster rhythm.

She gasped, moaning into his neck - she really had forgotten that her being on top was a much better angle for her enjoyment. She could feel his temperature rise and breathing quicken thought his bare chest against hers.

Once he was sure she had a rhythm going, he let his hands wander from her hips to her butt and breasts, squeezing them and teasing her nipples. Her moans in his ear and her nails in her skin were the greatest aphrodisiac to him. Slowly his moans began to join hers as she tightened around him. Their lips found each other in a sloppy, hot, desperate kiss.

After that, it didn’t take long for him to reach his peak and quickly came. After a couple seconds to catch her breath, she tumbled off him and let him dispose of the condom.

“Endorphins make you happy.” She hummed, happily wiggling around on the bed and making him laugh.

“I love you,” he whispered kissing her forehead. Her giggle quieted for only a moment before resuming as he smiled at her.

“I love you!” She said happily, feeling over high on hormones.

“So, feeling better?” He asked, his chuckle joining her giggles.

“Yes, thank you.” She leaned forward and gave him another kiss, wishing they could have endless nights like this.

[thevagabondlog]

Ive been staring at this blank page for an hour now. I haven’t written a shred of anything in close to a year, but I feel like the current set of circumstances right now dictate it. Hermes guides me. I haven’t even written a draft by hand like I normally do, Im just letting this come out and it feels great.

The last two, maybe even three years of my strange trip on this planet have been such a surreal high paced blur. Ive come to realize that I do too much in too short a time, too many places visited, people met, things done in the dead of night and the overwhelming heat of the day. A few strings busted, a few hearts broken. Nothing out of the ordinary except the fact that my address is still changing every month and I’m still getting lost daily, both in reality and in my mind. Not that I’d change it for the world. I don’t even know who exactly reads this garbage but if you still are, know this is going to be a long one. Ive got a lot on my mind, time is on my side and there’s nowhere I need to be.

Everyday in the Caribbean is incredibly hot and sticky. Every night is mysterious and romantic.

Writing this is simultaneously difficult and surprisingly easy. Its difficult to explain whats been shredding through my head the last few months or however bloody long. Since I last attempted to write, if you can call it that, Ive since been through a serious and drama filled breakup with my long term girlfriend back home, been to seven countries including South Africa ( more on that later ), morphed back into the older Joshua Palmer and basically been running a permanent anarchic riot around the world. As I write now, its once again a hot day in the Bahamas and my head is still swirling with Ricardo Black Rum from the previous night. Special Edition, of course.

Church of the Open Sky.

April 5 - April 26, three weeks back in the motherland after more than a year and a half overseas. A lot of expectations held, almost none of them met. Im not quite sure why, but looking back now in June I realize i didn’t enjoy my stay there at all. Highlights include seeing my parents again (they wept) and one or two close friends who I’m not even sure are still friends at this stage. I came to realize I hate most of the people that fill up my tiny coastal hometown, largely due to the fact that they’re all hypocritical judgmental small minded people who have never been anywhere farther than the gas station in the next town. Keep in mind that these are the same people that said I’d never amount to anything and Id be back home after a month of failed traveling searching for a job running a yacht. Choke on your words. Anyhow, I also got told numerous times that I’d changed completely, becoming much more ‘arrogant’, ‘rude’, ‘insensitive’ etc to the people around me. I suppose in a way I was, but then everyone back in that place is easily offended and so narrow minded it makes me want to shoot myself. I suppose Im much happier over here, on my own and fending for myself, in foreign countries where I don’t know anyone, and all I know is where North-East is. The entire time I was back there, I couldn’t wait to come back to the West Indies. It feels good getting these thoughts down, they’ve been bouncing around my head for too long now.

I was dancing with some girl in a club a month or two ago and in-between reggaetron and soca she asked me a question no one has ever asked before: “Where do you consider home?” I really don’t know. Definitely not back in my hometown, I don’t plan on setting foot in that place for another twenty years at least. Its not on the boat either, nor on any of the islands. Id have to say home is wherever I feel alive the most. Which just so happens to be fifteen feet underwater looking up.

May 4 - Twentieth birthday in Georgetown, Exumas, Bahamas. Largely uneventful, frankly boring and unsatisfying. Mind you I was working at the time so of course the celebrations were minimal to non existent.

January 2017 - Current.

Adopted really strange sleeping patterns similar to a Russian insomniac writer fighting his bouts of suicidal depression with vodka and pharmaceuticals. I don’t know what this stems from other than my erratic lifestyle of mainly working onboard the entire day and still getting drunk at local bars into the early hours of every new day.

Right now its summer and every heat wave day is longer than the last.

I have lost interest in a lot of people who I once thought important. I do not know if this is selfish on my part or all just part of moving around constantly, or just one of those things you deal with as you get older. I have been told numerous times that I’m not going to make it past thirty, and for some reason or other I’m embracing the thought. Go out in a strange and mysterious accident of sorts somewhere out at sea, that place that once gave birth to me. Ill let you know.

For the past few weeks I have also had these increasingly frequent urges to just pack up, delete my Facebook and go completely off the grid, getting lost in strange and exotic foreign places. Lawrence of Arabia in Morocco. Not knowing the unknown is turning me on more and more everyday, as well as the idea of just giving the finger to all the people back home who are getting married young, stuck in nine-to-fives that they hate, and coming home to deal with the mortgage and car insurance people. I left the country the first time with no actual plan, one bag and sixty dollars in my pocket and I don’t regret a single moment. And I don't mean all those cliche travel pictures and utter bullshit you see on social media telling you to just ‘pack up and go’, I mean actually deserting myself. Exile on Main St. Highway Child. Midnight Rambler.

The lust for this has never been greater. I keep asking myself just what is holding me back?

My biggest fear is living a life just like everyone else, a life that no one remembers. Why should I listen to any authority or second guess myself? Time will tell and hopefully sooner or later. And if I’m not mistaken, and I surely hope not, I may have found someone to do it with. A woman unlike anyone else Ive met or ever known before. A woman who, somehow exceeds everything I think about her constantly and is basically the exact fibre of my dream girl since I was fifteen. Physically outrageous, a beautiful figure. Mentally, she keeps me on my toes only because I hope to somehow match her standards. Well travelled and with such an eerily alike mind to my own its more than possible we were once together in an earlier life. My best efforts of a description is a glorious hybrid of a gypsy, voodoo witch, mermaid, and the Goddess Aphrodite all in one. With a sprinkling of a rebellious 1960’s mindset which only turns me on further. Making love to her only broke my mind in two and made me question everything. She’s everything I ever wanted from every rock and roll song Ive listened to, and she’s in all of them. And believe it or not I only knew her for three days before she flew off again, once more traveling. While Im starting to feel a little stuck in this place. Most would say Im crazy, but I already knew that.

I do wonder what, and how exactly she’s had such an effect on me. It makes me look back at every other girl I’ve ever been with and realize that they do not even come close to her or the psycho-electric effect she has on me. And if you know me, you’d know I dont feel like this to anyone, ever. She’s touched me deep down, and the next few months or years or whatever only promise to be very exciting.

Im trying, and not succeeding very well, to look back at everything over the past few months and years, if you couldn’t tell by now. How many people did I meet for five minutes and never see again? Friends or lovers for one night and then gone the next day never to be seen? I look at what all my ‘friends’ are doing back home, studying in their first or second year. My best friend living with his fiancee and hating every second, constant fighting and the such but too scared to leave because he believes he loves her and well, believes he cant do any better. In love with the security and constant hard work I suppose. A friend through the grapevine told me recently that he has lost respect for me and hates the lifestyle I live. I wont lie and tell you I wasn’t hurt or taken aback. We’ve spent four years together, done much, and always confided in one another. Is he jealous of the knowledge that Im traveling the world, free and easy, able to go to the bar every night and dance with exotic girls while he is forced to come home after work to a nagging unloving bitch that makes his life hell? He would never admit that. Im not scared to tell it exactly how it is though. Another trait passed on to me from my father, whom I miss so.

If I had never made the decision to leave all those months ago would I be in the same position as my friend right now? Maybe. More than likely, I was in a long term relationship with someone I thought I loved, about to get sucked into that domesticated world before I jumped ship. Haven’t seen her since actually. Thanks for the memories girl, but you weren’t for me.

Life would be very different and it would bore me to death. I prefer dying in other ways in places where no one understands English.

Now my thoughts go back to my unbiological sister, we once were very close. Always looking after one another, often mistaken to be a couple but not. I thought I was in love with her too, but she’s changed so dramatically in the time I was away I hardly recognized her anymore during my homecoming visit. She lied to me many times in those three weeks, thinking I wouldn’t find out, and probably still thinking Im ignorant. Makes me wonder why we are like we are. She told me I changed a lot too and I’m no longer the Josh she knew, that I’ve grown cold and distant. Well look at yourself babe, can you really blame me? Its only further cemented my belief that you need to keep moving forward in such a way that they will never trap you or hold you down, until finally you find someone that you want to be trapped with. You know who you are.

“I thought you needed my lovin’, But it’s my heart that you stole. I thought you wanted my money, But you plundered my soul.”

[yespoetry]

An Interview with Joshua Byron & Chariot Birthday Wish on Queerness and Art

By Joshua Byron & Chariot Birthday Wish

Editor’s Note: grammar and punctuation aesthetic have been largely preserved for authenticity and tone.

Joshua: We are chatting and checking in with each other on the 4th of July, a honeysuckled day of nostalgia, dogmatism, and fear. I recently began releasing a webseries Trans Monogamist with Alfredo Franco and Artless Media and Chariot Birthday Wish recently released his new book of poetry, hot pearl. 

J: How is the weather in Philadelphia- if that's where you are now; it's so hot here in New York. I was invited to a million things but part of me just wants to try and drink some iced coffee and lay down and watch a Derek Jarman movie or something. Perform that kind of tired queerness. 

I wanted to talk about your poetry, and your latest work, and also how your work maybe functions as haiku. I was reading Barthes on haiku recently who idolized haiku as a sort of perfect form. The perfect image, something that collapses time inward. And that makes me think of your work- a collapsed inward image. But also like, fun and bubbly. Effervescent. 

C: It’s hot in, sticky in philadelphia, i am currently home now. were in the humid thunderstorm loop here but i dont think a storm is going to break for another few days. im going to go smoke weed on mikayla’s roof later today, other then that i've been playing katamari and drinking ice water while drawing all day.

people mention haiku to me a lot, because i write small, few word poems, with a focus on natural imagery. I honestly don’t read much haiku, and wouldn’t site it as a direct source of inspiration, or say that ive studied the form. i do think my work resonates with a similar drive and spirit of haiku though, and i hold a dear reverence for the form.

i love that quote “the perfect image” and “something that collapses time inward” my intent of form for writing poems is absolutely trying to expand a space, a moment, an emotion, memory, as wide and deep as possible with as few words as i possibly can. i really focus a lot on creating complete and whole worlds inside my poems, but its subtle because they are such small poems. my work has a lot of play in it, i think my tone of voice always has an air of play to it. 

J: I think for me I think of the succinctness of your work, more so than scale. Sometimes your work even if it isn't about apocalypse, feels very tied to that, the event, the feeling, the fear, the expression of it and often I think your work has mechanical feelings in it, these references to the Matrix or like using human concepts in regards to natural things. I think a lot of some of your work that lists desires and those desires bend to human concepts, not natural ones. 

I think that the bubbling of your work feels like it could go on forever, like how do you decide to end a poem or even a collection? In hot pearl or hell ship or i love you, here's a gigantic worm? 

C: yes ! i think most of my work, comes from a place of constant consideration of apocalypse. And consideration of technology ! ive always been really inspired by and into sci-fi, cyberpunk ie: the matrix.  i love to reference technology for sure. interweaving technology into nature and natural images, one function of that for me is about desire. desire for connection, for access. i think about texting my friends from the middle of the woods, and the simultaneous understanding of the link to earth + self, emotionally and also physically! But I also do think that technology and mechanics are a part of nature, and “the natural world.”

humans are a part of nature and we created these things. there’s this Bjork quote where she says that “You can use pro tools and still be pagan”. I’m really into the idea of using technology as tools of divination and holy connection with nature. I imagine a scene; being in moss, it’s absolute bliss, and then the connection of texting, sharing an image of moss with a friend, sharing that moment through cellular towers, and then that sneaking sense of apocalypse like earth Is going to melt.

and knowing that those moments of sharing and experiencing the absolute magic and heavenly nature of is not going to be possible anymore because humans are melting earth. I’m trying to hold all of these goods things weighted with that, the frantic fear of losing something so special. Its very cyberpunk to me. and then yeah !!!! its driven by desire!  if i think of it now, a have a lot of poems that say “i want”i want so much... 

with books, I usually decide on a number of pages first its very straight forward. im like okay this book is going to be 20 pages or 100 pages. with poems, if i read it and i have my emotions and vision echoed back to me, then its done ! I try to make myself cry, and I am always trying to write what I think is the perfect poem. i do try to spend a collective hour editing each poem, but usually i just know when its done. Not to be obtuse. 

J: How do you think desire plays a role in the work that you do? 

Your work has such striking images - things I think are (I hate this word) but striking and original. I'm thinking of even the word "hell ship" for instance or "hot pearl," the fag poem, "superintendent of the golf course," "my flowering boyhouse," and the specificity of the "i want.”

The images feel free from societal cliches and expectations, like a weaving of a fantasy world. I don't know if I have a question, I mostly just wanted to say that. It seems just very sprung from your mind, very specific. It's not that there aren't poetic traditions that predate or intertwine with yours, but I think in some ways it feels very Greek (Sappho, perhaps?) in its directness, in its wink, in its boldness.

I also wanted to hear you speak on the fag poem, it feels so essential and tears me apart. 

C: i love to meditate on the feeling of desire, and feel desire. i also think that the reason i make art comes from a similar part in my emotional body as my desire. its an expression of that desire, as well as a manifestation of desire, i really long to create art and i love to make art about desire. its such a full and intricate emotion.

Recently I read a definition of “eros” as the opposite of “death wish” the antithesis of the call of the void, that eros is an absolute will to live and desire to experience. That’s the well of desire I channel my creativity through. which i think relates a lot to your mention of sappho. i read a lot of sappho, her voice and her form (specifically too how we just have fragments of her poems, and what that does to the form of her work) has something that i draw a lot of inspiration from. absolutely the way she, and other translations of greek text (ive been reading the iliad for 2 years).  

i do also 100% imagine all of my poetry to take place in a specific and complete realm, in a fantasy world. that idea, of creating a whole separate place, lexicon, and memeplex was one of my first visions and drives as a poet.

the fag poem: i also started it with wanting to write "a fag anthem" which is not usually how i write poems, with a specific thesis for the poem. its an ode to faggots, a faggot declaration, but one from a place of reclamation driven by pain. 

J: How do phones play a role in your life or your poetry? Your poems do include references to downloading pics of horses, or texting in the woods, or just texting or staring even. but i also wonder about the idea of writing on phones and what that means poetically and structurally. 

What is your relationship to social media and Instagram? it mystifies me! you have a following and i wonder how that feels and how that is tied up in art-making, glo worm, distribution, and if it matters to you or if you have any feelings of community or fracture over how the internet works? In regards to the above, what are your thoughts on looks, or pulling looks? The politics, the aesthetics, the joys of looks? Are you pro look? Anti-look? 

C: its a little trick of mine to add a reference to a phone in a poem. i think that phones are so intimate. i have an intimate relationship to my phone, and theyre magically little devices. i try to capture that magic when referencing "downloading pictures of horses" or looking at pictures of birds on your phone. thats also tied to apocalypse though, sometimes im writing from a space of thinking about animal extinction, when certain animals are gone and but we still have access to photos of them on the archive of the internet. our phones being a connection to that archive. 

i love social media. i love connection ! im def in the camp of holding closer to the positives of social media, outside of my paranoia about facebook and the surveillance state and like, influencers, etc. i just want to share my art with people and reach people. it feels good to be connected with people who like my art and to be an artist. i can unpack that for hours though.

There are times when being seen, and watched by a following is overwhelming. I think there can be a tendency for people to view you just as the single dimension of what they see online. I def have an online persona, and have built an image, altho thats also complicated and confusing because that image and persona is not a lie, just a crystallization of parts of myself. but I don’t really concern myself too much with that anymore. People can see me how they want. I am highly protective of parts of myself and my life 

i love looks. i got into art as a kid because i wanted to be a fashion designer. as a transsexual gay faggot virgo born the week of beauty, aesthetics are very important to me ! in that, the play and fantasy of looks are important to me. i do believe that aesthetics are empty. especially in this year of 2019. and i think holding that in mind can create buoyancy for the play of looks, of pulling a look. its about fantasy and expression. i also find power in it. recently to combat my social anxiety, ill wear elf ears to non-costume events, as it subverts my paranoia of being stared at for being a fag freak. i like giving people a reason to stare at me, a fag freak. 

J: Tell me about your influences. Who gives you visions? Tell me about the knife? tell me about Keanu Reeves, the Matrix, and your celebrity icons?

C: Techno music gives me visions, the ocean gives me visions, the forest, the planets give me visions. Bjork gives me visions, Bruce Springsteen, Gregg Araki, Wong Kar Wei, Anohni, Greek mythology, Faggots and their Friends Between Revolutions, Kazuko Shiraishi, the color red, the color blue, Cocteau Twins, dream pop, pop music, Brokeback Mountain.

to me, the knife, is a perfect vision of pop +freakdom + communism + mysticism. Its apocalyptic gay communist dance music, deeply mystic lyrics. it's everything I search for in art in one project, I cannot believe the knife.

the Matrix, simply to me, is about following your destiny. to me it's about actualizing the godly calling, your godly calling, your vision for yourself. it's so virgo, bringing together the celestial and the earth. 

Keanu is just so beautiful; i think it's a trans guy thing. me and him have very similar birth charts. i love my playful relationship with celebrity icons. i feel tepid to "stan" people and celebrities. Icons are false, kill your idols, blah blah blah. but its a gay thing also to have icons, and its a part of that fantasy. 

J: Talk more about elf ears and giving people a reason to look at you?

C: id just rather give people something truly freaky to look out, rather than just the spectacle of my visibly trans body. its a transsexual thing for me for sure, or like informed by my medicalized trans body, modifying my body, fantasy cyborg, morphing my tool (my body)!

J: Are there any other body mods that really seem exciting? 

Did you have a spiritual upbringing or have any spiritual practices now?

What does healing the earth look like to you?

What does healing self and community look like to you?

C: i love getting pierced recently..also obviously tattoos, as a tattoo artist and someone who gets tattoos. if they knew how to dick surgery good i would do that. maybe someday theyll get it. im getting top surgery this year.

i was loosely raised catholic. i do candle magic and ritualistic intention setting.

full ! communist ! revolution now ! fully paid reparations ! returning stolen land back to its people ! and high tech cleaning of the oceans, permaculture, rebuilding of the rainforests. returning Nikola Tesla’s ideas and designs back to the people. 

community looks like responsibility. I’ve been thinking recently about how self healing happens with community healing, and when you put your time and heart into community, it heals your heart. I think we’re deep in a culture of individualistic healing, and it’s alienating. Workers of the world unite.

Chariot: what is your relationship to fantasy ? idle cosmopolitan, your first mini series, is full of ghosts, tarot readings, an alternate world. it felt like it was brushing against a suggestion of magic, also the way time + space is expressed in the series, it has a morphing quality. trans monogamist doesn't really carry those themes through, besides the astral projection class ( a little hint at the magic”  is there still fantasy in this second work ? 

J:  I think for me I don't see Idle Cosmopolitan as that fantastical; how hard is it to believe a world with spirits of some kind? Even if they aren't expressed the way they are expressed in fantasy novels or TV. The everydayness of magic. For me, fantasy is similar to queerness in that it means possibility. Hope. Optimism through pain. Most fantasy is born through quests and pain, the classic Arthurian tale.

I think for me, that's the root of it. I read so much fantasy when I was kid. I was obsessed with Arthurian lore, castles, Pokemon, Digimon, the Green Knight, all of it. I think that Trans Monogamist is fantastical in some ways, I've heard Broad City described as a fantastical NYC, as has SATC and almost any show about people in NYC. So in that sense, yeah. Where every corner has people to date. And of course, while I do exist as a NB Carrie Bradshaw in real life, that concept is a sort of fantasy of its own. 

C: What’s your relationship to technology and that aspect of film-making? 

J: Technology worries me. I read Carceral Capitalism last summer and felt worried, as always, by the rise of surveillance and predictive policing. I think I understand why some people chose paths of craft over content, but I also don't think it's always a strict binary.

But to be fair, at a certain point you can often only know so much about one or the other. You can focus on learning more and more about craft and technology and lenses or you can focus on plot, characters, drama... Or you can do both! I just don't know that many people who end up able to do both. It's a lot of effort and time and money just to do that learning. I do think there are cracks for the light in technology to come forth. It's how we met! But I find myself often pessimistic about it. But I don't want to come across as a technology grump either. I can be modern occasionally. 

C: do you think you are expressing a part your self through the main characters of your work? you act as both of them, i wonder what your relationship to self portrait is? if the self insert is significant or, how is that self insert significant to you? is it that no one else could properly portrays these characters?

J: I definitely think of my work as self-portraiture. I think part of it just that I'm making work about things that I go through, I'm making work DIY, and it can be easier (and harder) to self direct. It's also, of course, cheaper, than trying to find someone else and guide them to a place you feel deeply. I think for a while I felt uncomfortable about appearing in my own work but now I"m pretty numb to it. It just sort of feels like the kind of work that I'm making now. I think it felt required. If we're thinking of the path, we're thinking of flow, it just felt like the next step in making art.

Also, for me, it's important to make work specific and not too broad. I want to talk about what my queerness, what my life is like, and I don't want to speak for someone else at all.  

C: what is your process like for writing, and editing your video work? you're a workaholic right? can you talk about that process ? your relationship to that?

J: I am such a workaholic. I mean we are doing writing work on the 4th of July!! I have three projects in different stages right now. Video work is usually much more collaborative. There's a free fall element to not having all the control. It's scary and it's also how I push myself to not be a total control freak and to push myself to be a better artist. I do believe in community and collaboration I just also have an intense drive to sort of speed through things and make and create and there's certainly an element of capitalism that has infused me with needing to DO things. It's not my best quality!

But it also is a strength. I like to create! And sometimes that urge is so strong that sometimes I do need to do things alone. I think it's important to balance collaborative work with solo work, you need outlets! So sometimes I write alone, sometimes I don't. My video work often involves at least 16 people in the cast. And Trans Monogamist was all about co writing and co starring with Alfredo Franco and having Artless Media being such a big guiding and production force. 

C: What’s your relationship to tropes and pop? 

J: I think I love tropes, astrology, SATC quizzes, all of those kinds of things. I think the boxes we fit in or don't fit in both do and don't speak about our personhood. Sometimes we put too much stock into them, sometimes too little.

Queer tropes of course are such a fundamental part of online queer culture and also can be so toxic but also very healing! I think the way queer culture fractures and floats online definitely influences my work, but I try to engage playfully. There are things in queer online culture I feel serious about- in terms of supporting funds that support black trans woman or fundraisers for surgeries. But in terms of other queer iconographies and categories I try to just absorb and play. I think little of my online presence has to do with replicating those memes or ideas.

If anything it's about crafting my own identity that picks apart at random things like Carrie, an occasional look. Trans Monogamist definitely skates around and jokes a lot about types of gays while also recognizing that RIver is their own type of gay and while River jokes about hating gay graphic designers or art gays, River is an art gay. It's just that claiming identity feels scary to River, so they sort of dash over or around it and try and just be a person. Someone described TM as a show that tries hard to categorize people.

I don't know how I fit. I'm an art gay I guess. Nonbinary sometimes seems to be ascribed its own internet aesthetic but I don't know how i fit in that or don't. If anything I think there are certain binaries of queerness that I do identify on.

C: What trope am I?

J: You're definitely an alt-art gay as well, but on a different side of things? There's def a type of gay that does tattoos, is trans, loves communism, and cowboy imagery. 

C: right, what you said also got me thinking about tropes as language, theyre identifying words, and that shapes our understandings of ourselves and our experiences. and there is so much play i think, in queer culture between collective experience and personal experience. 

J: I think I worry a bit about the ways we seem to gravitate towards locks and keys as ways of conceptualizing identity. And yet, I do that! So who am I to say that? I think it's best to let everyone feel their identity the way they feel it, even if that's not how I feel it. Right? What does that hurt/what does it heal? It certainly heals someone else and probably doesn't hurt me, excluding hatred, of course. Plus, sometimes someone's experience or a collective's experience help us- we say that's me! or that's definitely not me! 

C: can you say more about territory? how does pop, or mass culture, bring us into territory? 

J: What's the difference between populist and popular? Is there one? Can something that's populist be destructive, can it be healing? Is liking what the people like somehow revolutionary or is it bad? Are we as a people healing bending towards justice or not? It's a tricky counter situation. Plenty of things we probably think are good are considered bad, and vice versa. so sometimes seems revolutionary and sometimes doesn't.

But it does remind me of the way Bergman is against symbolism-reading in his work, Susan Sontag's against interpretation, Patti Smith's writing about not trying to read a message into literature. I'm not sure i wholly agree, but the idea of the sign as uninterpretable or as a mirror is interesting. Of course these are also mostly people with a romantic idea of art and plenty of people believe in interpreting art and for good reason. Works can be about race, class, gender, etc., and also have images that can't be broken down. It can be both.

Joshua Byron is a nonbinary storyteller based in Brooklyn. Their work includes the webseries Trans Monogamist co-created with Alfredo Franco and Artless Media, Idle Cosmopolitan with Glo Worm Press, as well as the zine Sincere Hate. Previously they have written dating columns and lyrical essays for Bushwick Daily, the Body Is Not An Apology, Yes Poetry, and more. Their films have been screened at Sarah Lawrence College, the Indianapolis LGBT Film Festival, Secret Project Robot, and more. They love Ursula K LeGuin, rose soap, and lots of coffee.

chariot wish is an artist and angel living in philadelphia. theyve seen the matrix 28 times in 2 years and love horses.

[andrewysanders]

I’m Nine Years Old – The Birth Year

Happy Birthday to me … and by “me”, I mean this website, Life of an Architect. On January 14th, 2010 my life was irrevocably changed, mostly for the better, when I decided to start a blog site and start talking about what it meant to be, and work with, an architect.

In my effort to recognize this milestone, I thought I would take this entire week and write a blog post where I will isolate a year (or two or three) and talk about what happened, what was important, and why it matters. Consider it the ultimate peek behind the scenes … you might just be surprised by what you find out.

Life of an Architect – Year One (2010)

Best decision I made was to name my site ‘Life of an Architect’ … a decision at the time I didn’t consider much. I came up with the name based on a class I took as a Freshman when I was in college. That class was Architecture and Society and was taught by the great (and extremely popular) Larry Speck, FAIA. On the first day of class, before any of us knew who Larry was and just how important a figure he is within the architectural landscape of Texas and beyond, he moseyed on stage and told us that we were in “Architecture and Society” and that he named the class this because the “Architecture” part was self-evident, we were going to be talking about architecture, and “Society” because this gave him the ground to talk about whatever else he wanted to talk about. I applied this same logic when naming my site because I am an architect, and the “Life” part would allow me to talk about whatever I wanted.

Once I came up with a name, oh boy, this was an exciting year. I probably spent at least 20-30 hours a week working on the site and the content. The challenge was trying to learn what I was doing – I started editing photos and graphics in photoshop for the first time, and I meet Paul Anater who seemed to know everyone and was one of my biggest advocates in these early days (read this as evidence of my early reliance on Paul), and Amanda Eden – a Director at a public relations firm that specialized in the AEC industry who introduced me to probably hundreds of people, (and who is responsible in no small way for me starting a podcast) and is a good friend to this very day. Paul and Amanda, in particular, had a major role in those early days but there were countless others who engaged with me in a meaningful way that reshaped my world and I owe gratitude to every single one of them.

I wrote a mind-boggling 180 articles the first year – an average of one every two days. It’s hard to pick my favorite but since that’s my goal for this post, I’ll have to go with the following:

Top Ten Reasons Not to be an Architect Why would I choose this post, considering that I hate it? This post, probably more than any other, put Life of an Architect on the map and my online visibility shot through the roof. I even wrote a post describing how much I hated having written this post (Evil Top Ten List – I Hate You). Despite this internal turmoil I was going through, everything was happening really fast and every bit of it was exciting. In a relatively short period of time, I went from some guy in the next cubicle to having people from all over the world reaching out to me as if I had something worth reading – which was the root of the next big struggle I would face, but I’ll eventually get into that later.

Let’s take a look at how the traffic was growing and how this understandably shaped my behavior.

I have since learned that the people whose opinions I care about don’t give two shakes when it comes to website traffic and the metrics behind this site. The people that are most interested either write a blog themselves and are looking for some basis of comparison, or they are AEC industry-related folks that are looking to collaborate in some capacity.

Even though the born-on date for Life of an Architect is January 14th, I didn’t learn about or set up Google Analytics until early March. You can look at the graph above and you’ll see what I mean – just as you can start to see the rate at which the traffic started to grow. While this amount of traffic seems downright pedestrian to me now, it was a big deal in the beginning. Once I had basically learned how to “blog” I would have quit if it wasn’t for the on-going challenge I set for myself on how to continue this growth. I don’t really want to put it in writing because I find it a bit shameful, but this period came across as a huge validation to the things I hold intrinsic to my core values, not to mention a huge boost to my ego.

In the beginning, despite the fact that I didn’t think anyone would actually find OR read my site, I made the decision to be my truest self and not pretend to be something that I am not. This was a frightening decision because the opportunity to embarrass myself was coming at the rate of every other day (every 1.95 days if you want to get specific).

I know that some people will find it incredible that I would share the metrics of my site so openly, something that I’ve never cared much about. I’ve only had it really be an issue twice in nine years – once was when I was submitting my application for Fellows in the AIA and one of the elder statesman (who I barely know and don’t have any history with) here in Dallas started telling some people that I was lying about the numbers. Luckily I had someone who came to my support and shut all that nonsense down. The other time was much more recent when I had started the podcast. I was looking to understand how different the metrics were between blogging and podcasting so I reached out to a friend of mine who has been podcasting for some time and I asked for some help – ultimately, and rather disappointingly, I think they viewed me as competition and elected not to share any information with me. I have a policy of transparency on my site and if someone wants to know something that I know, I am going to tell them. To this day I wish this was something that more architects would practice.

Year One Page views – 518,635 Year One Countries/ Territories – 190 Year One Top Five Cities – Dallas, New York, London, Lisbon, and Los Angeles

I should point out that the blog was beginning to take its toll on my family during this period. The blog at this point was basically an exercise in learning how to do something new and I did not have the support of the office where I worked to spend time on it during office hours – which I totally understand. What that meant was all the time I dedicated to the blog was during my evenings and on weekends. The time it took to prepare an article every two days, while trying to expand the reach, learn about all the moving parts associated with social media, etc. meant that I was spending the equivalent of another full-time job on what was essentially a hobby. To say that this caused stress in my house would be an understatement as it wasn’t just my burden – it affected everyone. My daughter was 5 years old at this time and considering that she went to bed really early and that kept us in the house, this allowed me additional consideration to spending the sort of exorbitant time needed to develop the blog. I think if my daughter was just a bit older when I started, this blog would most likely not exist.

Popular Posts

Here’s the thing about trying to track the most popular posts from a given year. If I write a popular post in January, as opposed to November, it has all year to acquire page views (a page view is basically an indication of the number of times a particular post was read). The other way to track popularity is to look at how many times a post was accessed on the day it was actually published – which it should not come as a surprise that this was a metric that I tracked for years. For the purposes of these birthday posts, I decided to go with the most viewed post over the course of a year because as it turns out, there are a handful of posts that show up time and time again regardless of when the post was originally written.

#1 – Top Ten Reasons to Be an Architect (18,387 year one page views) If you have ever considered being an architect, here is a list of reasons why you should be an architect.

This is one of what I consider the “Holy Trinity” of blog posts on my site. Turns out this is actually a pretty well thought out post and for people who are considering becoming an architect, this is a great place to start your indoctrination. A thoroughly positive piece with room for all sorts of various career trajectories within the profession.

#2 – How to Spot a Hippie (17,255 year one page views) Time has not been kind to most hippies, something that I am at a loss to explain. All that love and kindness, a healthy lifestyle, proper diet, What gives? So in a matter of moments, I put together my list of today’s modern day hippie requirements. 

This is the post where I get the meanest comments by a mile. I have considered turning the comments off for this post but I never do – if I am going to dish it out I have to be prepared to take it … and let me tell you I take a lot.

I gave my first public presentation on social media at the Texas Society of Architects convention in 2010. I was contacted by the Society and asked to do this presentation just three months after I started the site. At the time I was horrified that I was being asked to do this – I had literally just begun the site so what sort of insight can I honestly bring to the mix. As it turns out the message I delivered in that presentation is the same one that I deliver now:

 Architects need to be talking about architecture to people who aren’t architects. 

This presentation turned out to be the first moment when an important milestone became a possibility. My college professor, Larry Speck, was in the audience for this presentation and he told me it was at this moment that he thought I was on to something special and why he ultimately asked to sponsor my elevation to Fellowship in the American Institute of Architects – an achievement that had never been on my radar as a possibility.

Tomorrow will be a look at years two and three when things really start heating up. I hope you will join me for the rest of the story. If I’ve left out a tale you were interested in, or possibly have a question you would like me to answer, please feel free to add it to the comment section.

Cheers,

from Home https://www.lifeofanarchitect.com/im-nine-years-old-the-birth-year/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[swimintothesound]

Gateway Indie

On May 20th of 2008, my musical taste changed forever. We (or at least I) tend to discover things in waves. Specifically waves of increasingly-tiered obsession that escalate until I can focus on one thing and one thing only. I’ll find a song I really like, devour the album that it came from, read everything on the band’s Wikipedia page, explore their discography, listen to side projects, see them live, spend exorbitant amounts of money on limited edition vinyl, then (apparently) write about my experience years later.

One of the most important steps in my particular brand of hyper-obsessive fandom is delving deeper into the genre of the band who I’ve recently discovered. Whether it’s simply to contextualize their sound, see if I recognize any of their contemporaries, or just to get a better understanding of the world’s musical history. When one artist’s discography isn’t enough, sometimes the next logical step is to start absorbing everything in their immediate vicinity. It’s a beautiful notion that one album can open the door to a whole new world of music that was previously hidden. It’s how you diversify as a music listener and as a person.

Up until high school, I’d really only explored the genres of classic rock, grunge, and some metal. All pretty standard stuff, especially for a white suburban teen, but it was all music that came out before I was born. In 2008 I discovered a group of albums that opened my eyes to the ever-cool world of indie and, more importantly, paved the way for my interest in both the genre and the contemporary music scene as a whole. As each of these albums near their 10th anniversary I realized that not only have many of them achieved “classic” status within the genre, they were also part of a larger movement for my generation.

Universality

Now that the internet has paved the way for services like iTunes, Spotify, Soundcloud, and Bandcamp, music has become more insular than ever. In 2017 there are entire sects of fans who can be hyper-devoted to one artist or scene that may never intersect with anyone else. Additionally, with the rise of social platforms like forums, Twitter, and reddit fans can live in a bubble… and while it’s great to connect with other fans, it also means the vocal obsessives are more walled-off.

We have fewer “universals” than ever before. Ed Sheeran is one of the best-selling artists in the world right now, but I don’t think I’ve heard a single song of his. Drake is breaking records every week, but if you don’t care about hip-hop, he’s pretty easy to avoid listening to. It’s a byproduct of the ever-splintering media landscape that we’re living in.

So there are positives and negatives, but this splintering is relevant because those “universals” will become fewer and far between as we move forward. Looking beyond music, you have shows like Game of Thrones which is one of the most technically popular and most-talked about shows currently on TV. It consistently shatters its own self-set viewership records, numbers which are worth screaming about in 2017, yet would have gotten a show canceled even 20 years ago. There’s just more to watch, more to do, and more to care about in 2017, so if you don’t want to watch Game of Thrones, you truly don’t have to. This isn’t the 20’s where everyone gathers around the radio for the day’s episode of Little Orphan Annie. I feel like I’m getting off track, but music is this phenomenon multiplied by thousands. Not only are there dozens of alternatives mediums vying for your attention, practically anyone can create music in 2017. There are more alternatives (and therefore fewer commonalities) than ever before.

I feel like we will reach (or perhaps have already hit) a point where there are simply no more universal artists. There’s never going to be another Beatles. Obviously. But looking purely at The Beatles on a scale purely based on audience and cultural impact, there will never be another musical group in the history of the world that reaches the omniscient presence that the Beatles achieved. There were fewer artists to listen to then, fewer ways to create music, and even fewer avenues to discover new music.

As technology has improved, we’ve seen a direct impact on the music industry as an entity. At the same time, we’ve also seen artists effectively harness this power. Groups like Odd Future were pervasive and forward-thinking enough that I (a high school-aged non-hip-hop listener) knew who they were and knew at least a few of their songs. While everyone’s musical journey is a unique story filled with personal discoveries that have influenced their taste, this is really a story about the first universal that I was a part of as it was happening.

I Miss the Old iTunes

Back when iTunes was still relatively new, it was my only source of current music. I would almost instantaneously drain any gift card I was given, using it to cross several songs off my carefully-curated iTunes wish list. I was also fortunate enough to have my Dad’s massive collection of nearly one thousand CD’s at my disposal, but as you could imagine, most of those albums were a decade old at least. That’s why I was a rock fan first: ease of access.

But I always found ways to satiate my hunger for new music. From VH1 to renting CDs one by one from the local library, there were only so many ways to hear new music, even in the mid-2000’s. One of the most unexpected avenues that I took advantage of was the (now sadly-defunct) iTunes Single of the Week Program, which offered exposure to countless contemporary acts one song at a time. It may not have been much, but this program turned me onto dozens of artists and sounds that I wouldn’t have heard otherwise. Through this mishmash of mid-2000’s media, I was able to satiate my budding hunger for new music as a penniless 14-year-old.

That brings us back to the first sentence of this post.

Unbeknownst to me, indie folk was blowing up In 2008. Bon Iver’s For Emma, Forever Ago was gaining serious traction a year after its release thanks to the album’s breakout hit “Skinny Love” and in May “Skinny Love” was put up as iTunes’ free song. As with most songs in the program, I’d never heard of the artist, nor had any experience with the genre, but I downloaded it anyway because that’s how hungry I was for new music.

I downloaded the track (no doubt on my family’s bulky oversized 2005 laptop) and synced it onto my iPod immediately. I was floored. I’d never heard anything so delicate. It was catchy (especially for a folk song) but it also had a soft warmth and reserved delivery that was a revelation to me at the time. “Skinny Love” evoked a feeling that was unlike any other music I’d ever heard. I had to have more.

Part of the beauty of the Single of the Week program was how random it was. One week it’d be an electropop song, the next it would be something folky like Bon Iver, and then it would be a latin song. I didn’t necessarily like it all (quite the opposite, in fact) but I listened to it all for the sake of discovery. The fact that these songs were free was just the icing on top of the cake. I had nothing to lose.

I had no idea at the time, but indie folk saw a massive explosion in popularity in 2008 with the rise of acts like Bon Iver and Fleet Foxes, who both released stunning debuts around this time. I didn’t realize that this era of indie had been such a widespread phenomenon until I saw people discussing Bon Iver’s For Emma, Forever Ago on its tenth anniversary calling it their “Gateway Indie” album. I liked that phrase, but I didn’t think much of it until I heard the ineffable deep_cuts youtube channel cite both For Emma and Fleet Foxes as “dominating adolescent MP3 players the world over” at this time. Maybe it was just his worldly UK accent, but something clicked for me. I realized this was not only a formative album, era, and sound for myself, but for everyone my age.

Beyond Folk

Later that year I met some of the coolest people in my high school. And by that I don’t mean cool in the traditional sense, they were dork-ass nerds like me, but they were dork-ass nerds with impeccable musical taste. At this point, the edgiest thing I had ever listened to was Nine Inch Nails, but these guys opened my mind to the larger world of indie music. Genres I didn’t even know existed. Sounds I could barely conceive of. This was 10th grade and the albums they showed me would go on to become some of my favorite and most formative of all time.

The first song I remember them playing for me was the opening track to Portugal. The Man’s first album Waiter: "You Vultures!" which was titled “How the Leopard Got Its Spots.” I’m going to stop there for a second just to point out this band/album/song combo was (before hearing the first note) already more experimental and out-there than anything else I’d ever heard up to that point.

“How the Leopard Got Its Spots” is a pokey unpredictable song that almost borders on prog. While Portugal. The Man changes up their sound every album, their debut is easily the most experimental of their discography, still retaining many characteristics of the band’s post-hard predecessor Anatomy of a Ghost. But I didn’t know any of that at the time. I just listened to the song, enraptured by the track’s grungy guitars that paired perfectly with Gourley’s shrill high-pitched singing. The lyrics were obtuse in a Relationship of Command-type way and the final glitched-out chorus haunted me for days after the fact, becoming an immovable earworm. I remember at the time Grand Theft Auto IV had just been released (God, take me back) and I’d spend hours tooling around the game’s gray city listening to this song on repeat for hours.

Sometime later, Eric (the one of the group who I was closest to) and I found ourselves sitting next to each other during a weirdly-placed mid-day homeroom period. I asked him what he was listening to and he said “I’ll show you” he handed me his headphones and hit play on his 3rd generation iPod Nano. What I heard were the first shimmering notes of Minus The Bear’s “Pachuca Sunrise.” The song’s carefully-times guitar taps and intensely-technical drumming provide the crunchy background for Jake Snyder’s laid-back sensual lyrics and Cory Murchy’s smooth flowing bassline. It gelled into a transformative experience that made my body feel warm with sunlight and love. There’s a reason it’s still one of the band’s most-played live songs even a decade later. It turns out “Pachuca Sunrise” was many people’s first Minus The Bear song and led countless fans to the group’s second album Menos El Oso.

At this point, I already had enough “material” to go off on my own and endlessly devour these two records from these two very different bands. And I did, but I was also hungry for more. I came back to this group of guys in our shared AV class and begged for more in the coolest way I could without discounting my own cred.

From there Eric, Oliver, and Max threw me into the deep end. They showed me “Death Rides a Horse” by instrumental band Russian Circles. I dug it. Ratcheting up the intensity, they moved onto “Laser Life” by the post-hardcore band Blood Brothers. I dug it. They then threw the hyperchaotic cybergrind “Chapels” by Genghis Tron at me. I didn’t dig it, but I warmed up to it pretty quickly.

While there were dozens of other acts and songs that these guys turned me onto over the course of the next year, this crop stands out in my mind both for its breadth and what they’ve gone on to represent for me personally.

Portugal. The Man would go onto become one of my favorite bands. I’ve often proselytized online that they have one of the best discographies in indie rock. I would also go on to expose this band to my two younger brothers, and for one of them, Portugal. The Man has become their favorite band of all time. They currently sit at my 8th most played band on Last.fm with just over 3,000 plays.

Minus the Bear was my favorite band for years. At 6 concerts they’re also far-and-away the band I’ve seen live the most, and two years ago I saw them play Menos El Oso in full for the album’s 10th-anniversary tour. The album’s closing track “This Ain't a Surfin’ Movie” has been my favorite song of all time since I first heard it. The band is currently my 6th most-listened band on Last.fm, and three of the band's albums are have made it onto my list of all-time favorites.

Russian Circles would eventually lead me to the world of post-rock and instrumental metal. Bands like Explosions in the Sky, Mogwai, and Earth, all of whom have served as my reading and studying music throughout high school and college. Russian Circles also have a nearly-perfect discography, and they currently sit at #15 on my Last.fm.

Meanwhile, Fleet Foxes were always a bit boring to me… until this year. Maybe I have more patience at 24 than I did at 15, but I’ve had their discography on repeat for this entire summer and I’ve been loving it.

Most importantly, Bon Iver served as my gateway to all of this. It’s weird that a slow quiet folk album could pave the way for something as discordant and brutal as Genghis Tron, but I guess it’s a snowball effect type of thing. For Emma, Forever Ago also became somewhat of a soundtrack for my first real relationship, and despite that relationship’s rocky conclusion a year later, I can still listen to the album today and enjoy it as much as I did the first time hearing it.

I can’t thank these three dudes (and the creators of these albums) enough. I can safely say that my life would be unequivocally and vastly different without having gone through this period of exploration when I did. I would be a different person with different tastes and interests entirely. Full stop. So for that, I can only say “thank you” and hope that I returned the favor with someone else somewhere down the line. Sometimes discoveries come from the most unexpected places. Sometimes a random song can lead you down a path you never could have blazed yourself. Sometimes a single song can change everything.