#ernie van ark

[abeltownshipslittlebitch]

Five: Look what you’ve done! You’ve made Ernie cry!

Peter: Good! I don’t like him! But also give me a break, Ernie cries about everything.

Ernie, crying: I do not!

@dorkylittleweirdo

[tazzy-zooming]

S10 M5 spoilers

Requested by Peyton on Rofflenet. Ernie and Peter in their get along shirt.

[project-feive]

Sometimes a family is a 21 y/o clone who didn’t learn she was a clone until she was around 18, her immortal boyfriend, her secret agent sister, her 3 adoptive children who are all forces of nature, and her 2 adoptive dads, one of which who has a wife and child she has never met, and the other who is a clone of the man she violently killed when she was 16.

[dorkylittleweirdo]

Feel free to delete this if ur not feelin it or ignore any boring questions lmao. I know u've gone off ZR but I always loved reading ur opinions sooooo:

How do you think Peter/5 would ring in the new year? Is it different to how Simon/5 would do it? 🥰

Any headcanons for how Tom and 5 might get together? (and why does everyone sleep on this?! It's SO GOOD and he's so good! 😭)

Lastly how would 5 seduce RSB's boss at the end of s9? 👀👀👀 Because sugar baby!5 is a trope the ZR fandom needs and honestly? It's what 5 deserves 😏

Peter/Five vs Simon/Five would definitely be different. Both would have a nihilistic sort of approach to it for sure but it would be in a somewhat joking way. Simon and Five would definitely wanna get down and dirty and mess around most of the day, whereas Peter and Five would be more soft and gentle together and just want to be around each other. Simon and Five would drunk a little too much then wanna go on some dumb run just for the chaos and vibes, but Peter and Five have already been through far too much to want to leave the safety of their room and would just want to stay in each other’s arms all day without having to risk life and limb like they usually do

I always imagined Tom and Five having a close friendship that leads into being lovers. Five visiting Tom in baby jail when nobody else would bc they understand what it's like to not be able to trust yourself or your mind and have others look at you like you're a dangerous monster who could snap and hurt them at any moment. They start hanging out more once Tom is a bit more stable and they become the only people the other can trust bc they still can't trust themselves. They confide in each other and help each other recover, and once they're both mentally healthy enough, they talk about starting a relationship, share a kiss, continue to be the most supportive partners together

And honestly Five getting with Valmont is a key point in my corruption arc au lmao (plus the fact that in my universe they've already fucked) so it's not hard for them to get Valmont to trust them and their intentions. He's someone they know and like, plus he's gotta treat them better than Abel does, so as long as Peter will also be safe bc he's a victim of Abel too, they're more than willing to work with him and maybe form something of a relationship with him. And Ernie too bc he's adorable actually and I love him

[zrtranscripts]

Season 10, Mission 8: Jailhouse Rock

Prison Break

~

ERNIE VAN ARK: Careful, Ranger Five. Keep to the ruin of the church. That’s Valmont’s correctional facility ahead, a former resort on the island of Tabarca. It appears he’s swapped the swimming pool for a 20-foot perimeter wall with turrets every meter. The patrol of guard makes its changing shifts by the gate. I know it’s difficult being back near your kin. Janine is there, I’m sure of it. Getting her out won’t be easy, Five, but no matter what, remember, we’ll be there for you.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, for the love of – did you have to call this one Five? There’s plenty of numbers out there that aren’t dear and absent friends, you know.

ERNIE VAN ARK: Runner Five is heroic, efficient, devoted, brave. Who better as an icon for the escaped experiments of Red Scorpion Base?

PETER LYNNE: Brilliant! I’ve gone from Valmont’s drugged-up lab rat to joining his posse of lost toys! He’s going to find out I’m free any time now, Ranger. We have got to get Janine out before he does!

ERNIE VAN ARK: I wish we could be with you, Five, but only Valmont mechs can enter that building. I’m getting your shoulder cam live and clear. We’ll be monitoring from the boat. Funny... A prison of that size. What does Valmont need it for? He can’t have that many enemies he wants kept alive. Sorry. That’s him, I think. My other self.

PETER LYNNE: I’m telling you, Ranger, you ought to sleep with one eye open. One of these days you’re going to wake up to find he’s stripping you for parts! Oh, the shift change is done. The old patrol’s gone inside. The new one’s walking the perimeter.

ERNIE VAN ARK: They’re out of sight. See the gatehouse, Ranger? The bunker built into the wall with turrets either side? This is your chance to slip inside before that patrol comes back around. Quick march, like you belong. Fast as you can, Five. Go!

~

ERNIE VAN ARK: Gosh, those turrets bracketing the gatehouse door are big. There’s a scanner on the lefthand one, Five. Press your eye to it. The mechs here are old Model 4s. I used to see them on Red Scorpion. I’ve tweaked your transponder to match. You’re clear. You can get inside.

[door creaks]

PETER LYNNE: Not exactly plush, is it? Like a big, bare closet. Just a work station cycling images of the prison.

ERNIE VAN ARK: Not even any chairs for the rangers on duty! And Valmont let them get rusty, too. Barbaric. Better hurry, Five. There’s a guard watching the far monitor, but they haven’t noticed you yet. Plug the cable from your left forearm into the nearest console. The rangers here are networked with the prison. It was similar on Red Scorpion Base. I can use you as a relay to hack the system.

PETER LYNNE: The other mech’s looked your way. That’s a really big gun arm she’s raising. Ernie, hurry up!

ERNIE VAN ARK: Got it! I’ve sent a signal to all the guards, triggering their diagnostic protocols. They’ll be offline for a short while, cycling self checks. According to the database, DeLuca’s in cell 44 on the far side of the prison. Five, you can take the stairwell behind the gatehouse up. That was an extremely messy hack. The guards won’t be offline for long. And they’re going to be very, very angry when they wake up. Run!

~

PETER LYNNE: God, Valmont made this place a proper Cell Block H, didn’t he? And not even the Freak to liven things up. Corridor after corridor of cold, gray cells with murky portholes on the doors. I don’t see any prisoners so far, just lots of ugly stains. Ugh. I thought my prison was hell. This one might be even worse.

ERNIE VAN ARK: She wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me. I put that tracker on the USB stick in Tunisia. I’m the one who got you captured. The old me didn’t make that choice. This was all my fault.

Peter, the others said... You know about guilt. Do you ever... see something beautiful, like a bird or a sunset or this island, and then worry that you maybe don’t deserve it because of what you’ve done?

PETER LYNNE: No. No. I told you in Murcia when you tried to toast those marshmallows. I am not playing therapist with the ghost of Ernest Van Ark! Christ, you were easier as an evil boss! There! That’s her, cell 44. Break the door down, Five, now! [metal slams] It’s... It’s just... An empty cell and a wire cot. [exhales] Ernie? She isn’t here.

ERNIE VAN ARK: Wait. Look. There’s a loose breeze block behind the cot. Five, see if you can pry it all the way out.

PETER LYNNE: A hidey-hole with a snapped off spoon inside. I can see there’s something carved into the stone in the hole. It’s a... is that a... [laughs] It’s a flow chart. A branch plan. Janine told me they help with organizing thoughts in times of extreme stress.

ERNIE VAN ARK: She’s noting the guard patterns, getting floor plans. She’s working out an escape. Oh, Peter, these branches all link to your name. She was planning to find you.

PETER LYNNE: Valmont was threatening to torture her already. If he caught her planning an escape...

ERNIE VAN ARK: She must be in serious trouble. Five, the interrogation wing is on the bottom level. Take the spiral stairs ahead down. There’s a warden’s office in that wing. It has line of sight to anywhere they might have taken her. Freezing the rangers may have bought her some reprieve, but they’ll probably blame her for us shutting time down. We’ve got to get her out of here. Hurry, Five!

~

PETER LYNNE: There, Five! The iron door at the bottom of the stairs, it’s marked Warden. Kick it down!

[door slams open]

ERNIE VAN ARK: Lots of monitors in there, showing all the interrogation rooms. Look for Janine, Five. Hold on. The way Sam used to describe Abel. That room looks like his comms shack, only filled with extra recording equipment. Are those film cameras?

PETER LYNNE: Yep. That room’s got a Maghreb flag pinned up. That one’s got the stars and stripes. They look like... film sets? What is Valmont doing here?

ERNIE VAN ARK: Five, something’s moving in the vent above you. Look out!

[JANINE DE LUCA shouts]

PETER LYNNE: It’s Janine! She just dropped out of the vent! Careful, Ranger, she’s on your back. Jenny, can you hear me?

JANINE DE LUCA: First sever the optic relays, then the cranial wires!

ERNIE VAN ARK: She’s ripping Five’s external cables out. Hold on, I’m routing us through Five’s speakers.

PETER LYNNE: Janine! Janine! It’s me, it’s Peter! It’s okay. The ranger is with me.

JANINE DE LUCA: Peter? No. Enough recordings, enough simulations, enough making me hear him in distress or Mr. Yao in fear. If you think feelings will stop me, you are very much mistaken!

PETER LYNNE: Janine, it’s me, it’s really, uh – Suffolk tequila! Remember? Number 77 on your bucket list, you wanted to be spontaneous with me! Spent two days planning it. We drank a bottle of tequila from the Suffolk enclave on your farmhouse roof. I sang Fernando! Badly! But we danced, and you fell and sprained your wrist. I don’t think Maxine believed it was a training exercise. It’s really me. I came to rescue you.

JANINE DE LUCA: Peter? No. You should not be on this island.

[alarm blares]

ERNIE VAN ARK: That sounds like a problem.

JANINE DE LUCA: Mr. Van Ark. I wouldn’t have expected you to be involved in this. The other rangers appear to be shut down. If this was your doing, it was very, very rash. Valmont boasted of the security here when I first arrived. If the guards are inactive for more than a short time, the prison will start a purge. All captives will be executed.

I spent months planning a covert escape by the vents, one that wouldn’t raise the alarm! When the rangers shut down, I was forced to expedite my exfiltration in a far from optimal way. We must evacuate the prison. I’m taking command of this rescue operation, effective immediately. Ranger, follow me. According to that screen, the other prisoners are in this wing. Open every cell door that we pass. There’s no time to lose. Down the corridor, past the guard stations. Move!

~

ERNIE VAN ARK: One more cell ahead, Five. From seeing their databases, the last with a prisoner inside. The rest are all trailing behind you and Janine.

[door slams open]

CAPTAIN : Qu’est-ce que c’est? Qu’est qu’il ce pass?

JANINE DE LUCA: It’s a prison break, Captain. Follow me. To freedom!

ERNIE VAN ARK: Wait a minute. I recognize that man. Captain Blaise [Canard, a French sailor who joined the Maghreb. He caused a lot of trouble for Red Scorpion Base before his ship went down. Some of these prisoners must be his crew.

JANINE DE LUCA: Valmont tried to force me to record tapes for Abel, implicating the Maghreb in my capture. I checked the warden’s office during my escape. He’s trying to do the same to other prisoners here, trying to make the Maghreb believe Abel is holding their sailors ransom. This is no mere prison. It’s a factory for disinformation and false flags!

[jingle over intercom]

PETER LYNNE: Oh, that sounds like a Valmont announcement.

BRENT VALMONT: Attention, prisoners! If you’re hearing this, my guards haven’t regained control in the allotted window. Janine, I bet it’s you, you scamp! Well, don’t worry. As the vet said to the vicar, I’ve got a fix for that. My techs developed a painless gas for quelling prison riots! This isn’t it. This one makes your lungs pop and your eardrums melt. Don’t worry, I’ll have your remains stuffed and sent to Peter. What an end for star-crossed lovers, eh? The exits are all sealed. Enjoy your tomb, Janine. It’s been a wheeze!

JANINE DE LUCA: Mr. Van Ark, gas is pouring from the air vents. We could use an exit plan!

ERNIE VAN ARK: I... I don’t know. I thought turning off the rangers was clever. If I had another week, I could have shut the whole system down, but we were in a hurry. I’ve done it again. I’ve doomed you all. I’m sorry.

PETER LYNNE: Ernie! Van Ark, you little megalomaniac, focus! You never felt guilt when you were killing millions. Why start now? They need ideas, not brooding. That’s my turf! What about Five’s arm cannon, is it powerful enough to break through the walls?

ERNIE VAN ARK: It isn’t. Unless... Peter, you’re a genius. The rangers are as deserving of rescue as anyone. The gas will kill them, too. But they might also be our only hope. Janine, Five, there’s a vehicle bay down the corridor. It has poorer ventilation, the gas will take a while to build there. Smash through the doors, Five, and try to hold your breath. Hurry, go!

~

JANINE DE LUCA: [coughs] Mr. Van Ark, we’ve reached the vehicle bay. The door’s sealed behind electrified shutters. The bay is empty save for many frozen guards.

ERNIE VAN ARK: The rangers are all networked, Five, remember? If you use your cable to plug into the nearest one, I can grant you admin privileges. I can route the network through you. You’ll have control of every ranger here, enough to shoot your way out. But the neural strain will be extreme. You won’t be able to take more than a few minutes, maybe not even that. Are you sure, Five?

JANINE DE LUCA: Under the circumstances, Mr. Van Ark, we have no alternative. Your ranger is plugging in.

ERNIE VAN ARK: I’m configuring the network, Five. Linking you to all the other mechs, waking them up, giving you control... now. [Ranger Five screams] Five? Are you all right? If you can still hear me, raise your right arm. It worked! All the mechs in the building are raising their arms! Five, if you can bear the strain, point your gun arm at the nearest wall. Let them follow suit, and fire!

[heavy gunfire]

PETER LYNNE: That did it! And the wall’s coming down. Roof’s starting to give out, too.

JANINE DE LUCA: Thank you, Ranger. Now lead the prisoners into the courtyard before the ceiling collapses. We must get clear of the gas. Through the wall, run!

~

ERNIE VAN ARK: You and Janine are almost across the prison courtyard, Five. Peter and I are waiting past the gates. I’m so sorry, I know this must be agonizing, but if you can manage one more volley, blast the outer wall down.

[heavy gunfire]

Five, thank God you made it out! I’ve set your network to shut down. The other rangers should be going back to sleep any second now. Oh gosh, you fused half your circuits. That gun arm won’t be firing anytime soon. Still, look at all these prisoners you’ve freed!

JANINE DE LUCA: Mr. Van Ark, that was quite the rescue plan.

PETER LYNNE: [clears throat] It, uh... wasn’t all him, you know. God. Jenny, come here.

JANINE DE LUCA: Peter, you’re shaking.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, that’s just some uh, drug withdrawal and a spot of joy. I, um... I didn’t think I would see you again.

JANINE DE LUCA: I had no intention, Peter, of letting that be true. You and Mr. Van Ark are a surprisingly effective team.

ERNIE VAN ARK: We’ve had our ups and downs, but I suppose we’re both immortal. We’ve got eternity to work on it.

PETER LYNNE: Under absolutely no circumstances! He’s been worse than torture, Jenny, really.

ERNIE VAN ARK: Janine, it’s my fault you were captured. I promise, I will make up for it. I only wish we’d got more of the rangers out, but at least we’ve rescued most. If I study their software, I think I can work out a shutdown hack that accounts for Valmont traps. And there’s a yacht beached along the shore we can use to send the prisoners home. Now you’re free. If anyone can give us an edge against Valmont, it’s you.

PETER LYNNE: After we get some rest somewhere far from that cell.

JANINE DE LUCA: Alas, that’s not an option, Peter. Valmont chose to gas his captives rather than use explosives. He likely means to count the bodies. When he finds I’m missing...

ERNIE VAN ARK: He’ll know to raise his game.

JANINE DE LUCA: Indeed. Whatever his plans, whatever he was using his prisoners to distract from, our escape only invites an escalation. We must seek to counter him. Whatever friends we have in danger, wherever Valmont has his sights, I fear things for everyone are about to get much worse.

~

[qdesjardin]

4

The horror still shakes Curtis. He's sitting by an ambulance, a medical team checking him and Josh, and breathing in from the oxygen tanks gives a lucidity to his thinking, to the reality that he'd barely made it out from a horde of Muslims.

He doesn't want to think about the cafe owner's screaming, or how a living human being could burn away until all life is gone..

This is the cruelty of human beings. The rashness we can treat one another, as enemies, and proof that barbarianism still resides in our blood. In fact, might I say that we've suppressed our animalistic instincts behind civility and political correctness, and the Muslims show a rawer side that we disassociate from, like an unacknowledged shadow.

The Muslims have kidnapped the cafe waitress – Josh tells the police interpreter this, and the officers murmur to one another in French before thanking him for his account of the events.

It's overcast and dark; the cafe fires have been put out. Some officers come with CJ and Josh to the checkpoint where they left their baggage. The van has been towed to the side, the back opened, and some luggage left unzipped. Police are investigating the area for the sudden murder of their officers and two young men.. the whole checkpoint is cordoned off.

Ivan and Martinez lie in closed body bags. Curtis scrambles over to unzip one of them – but gets told "Trust me, you don't want to, the face is so horrible.."

Then Curtis, wanting only to get the image of Ivan getting splashed out of his head, breaks down in tears. He cries out, pathetically unable to do anything, only bashing his fists against their vehicles, and when officers try to placate him, he fights and shoves one of them away – they know better, and so let him play out his inner struggle.

Curtis slunks to the ground, panting. "Why did this happen.. is this a dream?"

Investigator Bezu Fache comes to the fore. "Non, Curtis, it's not – you got caught in the eye of the storm."

A spotlight has their figures casting shadows against the fog. Fache decides the best course of action to calm Curtis down, it is by calmly explaining what they've made of the situation so far (appeal to the mind instead of placating the emotions). The Uzbek man who drove that truck and murdered the people was on a mission of delivering armaments to cells across the city. He's high on Captagon (amphetamine + theophylline, chemical courage), and in conjunction with his short fuse, he blew up the checkpoint upon seeing the newly implemented 'search and frisk' policy in action.

Heavy skid marks to the side of the road. He drove that truck around the van and burst through the gate, while running over the bodies.

They won't be able to easily identify the van because usually, the delivery boys find sanctuary in the Muslim zones – think of Raiders of the Lost Ark, where Indiana Jones has just stolen that truck with the ark, and the Egyptians hide his truck afterward from the Nazis.

Then to make it more difficult, they modify the truck's license plate, body paint and even the body frame if necessary to have it continue the mission disguised. The police don't have much jurisdiction in these zones, thanks to the Muslim council – formed a few years ago, who would protest against any Muslim mistreatment.

"You were extremely lucky to be alive," Fache remarks, "and in one piece. I wish I could say more, but I hold no promises. Those two.." he gestures at the bodybags, "were your cherished friends, no? And you held such a strong friendship with them."

Curtis nods.

"Love and trust – a scarce luxury amongst our times. Remember them and honour them in your heart, Curtis." He pats Curtis by the shoulder.

They're too exhausted from today's ordeal to bother continuing on with their road trip. Luckily their luggage is intact.. and as for Ivan and Martinez's stuff? Just make a discreet call to their family and mail their luggage back to their homes. Oops, I got sidetracked; anyways, the only other option is stay at a hostel, and when they've processed that brain fart out of their heads, find an option to leave France for good.

Just to show them a fledgling of that genuine French spirit, Fache offers them both a dinner at his personal favourite restaurant – Chez Ernie, where the food is served by the chef himself to his best clients.

Ernie himself is so kind; he makes his own wisecracks and jokes out loud to himself, serving the dishes, and it just takes Josh and Curtis's minds to a much better, relaxing place.. the food is just so good, the oysters, the curry-fried pork with dashes of onion, the lemon-lime cake for dessert..

They leave the restaurant fulfilled as fuck, and thank the good detective so much. Josh is picking out a hostel to stay at (those are cheap btw) on his phone, when Curtis sees with his eyes.. a park. No.. an indoors garden. A pathway leading down to someplace that's glowing bright colours, with an illuminated billboard beside – "The Garden of Hopes."

Curtis, feeling intrigued, asks Josh to visit there. And Josh: "No, we can't afford to be sidetracked."

But Curtis doesn't seem to hear, as he finds himself stepping down the passage – he feels the atmophere enveloping him deeply. He finds again the scent of nectar.. of Lillian, and then some more, as strange new scents come to his nose. Naturally sweet and dainty. And when he turns around a corner, he is greeted by the sight of phosphorescent flora, growing from obsidian pedestals, the tree leaves emitting blue and violet, with all the flowers ranging from a pristine red to yellow – like aquatic life brought to you in garden form.

It is a plaza filled with everlasting peace.

Curtis sits by a bench and relaxes himself – his mind drifting away to serenity. Dreamy feelings fill his attention, and a small part of him wonders how he hasn't stumbled across or heard of this place earlier. He would've believed in the romance of Paris, blossoming fruitfully in his heart.

Josh has followed Curtis downstairs- he too is in awe.

It seems so comfortable that Curtis considers just sleeping here instead of a proper hostel for the night, rules be damned. "Let's hope the security guards don't spot us.." Josh goes.

So they sleep under the phosphorent leaves.

They wake up, totally refreshed, and to the tune of a gardener named Quon who's trimming some leaves from a ladder. She's humming, and as the leaves fall they don't lose their lustre – it looks like a rain of colours, and for one brief moment, it feels like that ball dance all again where Curtis is holding Lillian, feeling her energies as she twirls under the vibrant lights.

If only his phone hadn't run out of power, he would've made a quick reference to the place's address.

They still have money – a few hundred Euros on their bank accounts. Oh, they have another option; it's taking the TGV. Ivan's option of the road trip to the north and the ferries is quite roundabout. If say, they can arrive in a different city with an international airport, they can just bypass the Paris congestion that has everyone's feathers ruffled.

So after finding a bite to eat from a nearby bakery, it's off to the TGV. It takes a while to fumble for a taxi (Uber drivers? No way, you can't trust that), and on the ride, Curtis asks Josh to hold his hand tightly – not in a gay way, but more like something of assurance to hold onto, to trust.

A news alert blares on the taxi's dashboard. The route they were on has a bunch of rabble-rousers, so the driver tells them to hang on, as the onboard GPS calculates a different route through the city, across the Pont Alexandre III bridge.

The bridge.

It's devoid of anyone, but there's ferries crossing underneath it. The taxi driver grinds the car to a crawl, and Josh + Curtis are totally confused as to why. Deep down, they know something's not right, and upon asking the driver, he tells them normally people would be all over this bridge – it's a tourist attraction. In riots or dangerous situations however, the bridge becomes a deathtrap; it's a long way to commit crossing.

The driver consults the onboard computer, swiping away the official taxi alerts and consulting the social media instead. In light of the cafe incident yesterday, French rioters take their stand against the current government, and are willing to shoot/beat any Muslims they encounter on sight. The voice is spreading – "Our France, forever!"

There's smoke, and just behind them, the rioters are progressing – you hear their unified chants, along with some light explosives popping.

The driver, wearing a turban (he's Sikh), knows that if he gets caught out by the mob, they'll decimate him for sure. He's on the young side of taxi drivers, panicking like he's too young to die, so he just floors the cab forward across the bridge – Curtis and Josh internally clenching from the sudden acceleration, and on the other side are the police..

The police are armed with riot gear, they have a converted fire engine with them. Spotting the taxi advancing on them with the rioters in background, it's only natural to assume that the taxi could've been commandeered with explosives..

"TAXI!" their commander goes. "STOP YOUR ENGINE!"

The taxi veers forth.

"Hey, you should stop!" Curtis goes, tapping on the dividing glass. "Pull over!"

But the driver doesn't seem to hear. He's mumbling something to himself, a sort of prayer.

"Stop the fucking car, now!" Curtis screams, with Josh ramming the glass, expecting to get shot at any second now by the police. This doesn't happen; the taxi's engine is shutdown – remotely by the police, and the car skids with the wheels failing to maintain their prior momentum.

It skids off the road, collides with the bridge bannisters, enough that the taxi's front has gone over the edge..

The driver is quivering in his seat, pissing himself.

After a bit, Curtis and Josh clamber out of the car, smoke pouring from its front and drifting south along the river. They're dazed from the collision, unsure whether it's safer with the police or the incoming rioters, who are just crossing the bridge.

A few policemen nab them, with one trying to pull the taxi driver out of his seat.

They're handcuffed, dragged back to the vicinity of the fire engines, and are interrogated in rapid French that none of them comprehend. Meanwhile, the commander orders the gathering crowd: "This is National Security! Disperse at once! Your protests are but a waste of energy and time!"

The crowd doesn't care. In their midst they've brought some old trucks – improvised explosives attached to their trunk, like fireworks, and it's their trump card when the people clear the way for the truck drivers to rev down the road.

"Stop them! Shut their engines down!"

The police, in their cruisers, try to lock on the incoming trucks whose engines are like a shrill, mechanical yelling – no on-board computers.

Josh sees this coming. There's no way the police can hold them off – he instantly kicks the holding officers. "CJ, we gotta dive! We have to get off the bridge!"

A panic sets in. Could CJ really float with his hands cuffed behind his back?

"Open fire!"

The police try to shoot down the truck drivers. Roars of deafening gunfire, with the firetruck hoses turned on, full blast – hoping to stop or swivel the trucks off path.

It's two trucks, one on each lane. The left truck's windshield is geysered with bullets, its driver erupting into pieces and the engine getting totalled – a spark erupts, and in a cascading explosion its engine goes, followed by the gas tank and the explosive payload it's been carrying.

The shockwave flashes through everything in a 0.3km radius, and it rips through Curtis and Josh as they're just tumbling off the bridge into the waters below – shredding their clothes, bursting their eardrums, and sending them tumbling off from the force; the taxi dislodged and falling to the waters.

The other truck has its contents sent flying outward, like volatile shrapnel, which detonates mid-air as the truck just crashes through the officers into one of their firetrucks.

A second explosion – erupting much larger from the first; the vehicles up into the air. Fireworks puff and pop, and a huge torrent of steam comes from the ruptured firetruck (carrying water tanks). Anyone in the vicinity, if not blown away or on fire, has to deal with the scalding humidity.

You can't see what's in the smoke, but the rioters cheer at their major victory, and advance onward. Their voices will not go ignored.

By then, Curtis hits the river and it hits his body much harder than he expected. His mind rattles from the sudden burst of water, the explosions, the total chaos of everything. Then he realises he needs to take a breath.

He sees he's almost hit the bedrock, as pieces of the bridge, and a few body parts land slowly in the waters. Nevermind that, he kicks his legs the hardest he's ever done; his pants have snagged on a piece of metal, and he wags his foot, ridding himself of it.

His lungs are on the verge of bursting; he's going to drown – he sees the rippling surface, and after a while of endless kicking he breaks for air.

The noise and chaos sounds too much, and his head bobs back underwater, only for him to go back up and breathe the arid smoke. The river naturally carries him away from the bridge, and he finds a glimpse of the ensuing rage up there – the people chanting for a better France.. where is Josh? He's nowhere to be found.

Curtis finds himself passing under other bridges, the Seine river flowing westward. He looks to getting himself back on dry land, and back-kicks himself to shore.

The police boats pass him by, but they're too occupied with the ensuring rioting, the flaming bridge to notice – a thought crosses through Curtis's mind, over his handcuffs; it's going to be a bitch to remove these metal fuckers, not to mention people'll just ask.

He'll say he got caught up in the riots and someone handcuffed him in a rage.

When he ends up by a pack of parked boats, a fisherman sees him. Helps him up with a pole on his shirt onto the boat.

"What happened to you?" the fisherman says, drying off the dripping wet Curtis with a towel.

"It's a long story," Curtis says, shivering. "They're rioting, and I got caught up in it."

"I've heard – it's so horrible! But.. why are you in handcuffs?"

"Ermm, I bumped into the police.." Curtis looks at the river for Josh, to no avail, the ripples of the wave fading away the colours of the sky and reflected buildings - the feeling of being truly alone dawning on him. No friends left to turn to. No family.

No Lillian.

Just that memory of a name once half-remembered – of that woman by the beach.

Clare.

The fisherman is pressing him now over the handcuffs. Curtis knows that he's not talking himself out of this situation, so he fools him into thinking he's going to cave in – then jukes around the guy, knocking him over, and scrambles to the boat's bridge so he could get off and find a way to the TGV station.

He hears the fisherman yell for him. He's like a headless chicken when running, and almost falls over as he gets onto stable ground of the walkway.

Other people nearby see the event. Curtis runs, panicking; those movies where you see teens make a break for it from their abductors come to mind. "He's an abductor!" Curtis yells. "He handcuffed me."

Tourist abductions do happen, and even though people don't quite make out what he's saying, they know his American accent, and with the fisherman yelling for Curtis to be stopped – the onlookers dogpile the burly fisherman.

One of them helps Curtis out of his handcuffs – a pocket knife through the lock does wonders – and after hearing advice to catch a cab to the American embassy and being given thirty euros, Curtis thanks the guy, and takes off for the streets.

It takes a long while for the taxi to reach the station, being that there's so much traffic being segued from parts of the city that are under rioting. The constant news being blared about it over radio, the kids in the nearby car too busy in their VR goggles to care, Curtis starting to feel hungry, tired out.

The East Railway station. Its architecture echoes the aristocracy of olden times blended with modernity.

Curtis gets off from the taxi. There's swarms of people – not really lining up for the till so much as being bunched together as much as space affords them to. People have been thinking of leaving Paris and France for years, like a brooding thought, and the explosion of violence today is a catalyst that triggers their decision.

It's funny how Curtis only has his wallet and spare change, while everyone else has their life tucked away in luggage.

The line proceeds slow. Before he knows it, there's more people lined up behind him, stretching out the entrance of the building. He's hungry as a motherfucker, aching for some food. Anything for a nice Subway half-footer sandwich in his mouth.

So Curtis leaves the line, knowing it means having to be at the far, far back again. As he walks, he sees the walking food vendors popping out of their corners (lunch break) to offer food, snacks and a free complementary baguette to the people in the lines, and Curtis is just a hair's width away from shouting out "Goddamnit!"

He winds up at a Subway in a food court, and with the last of his pocket change, gets that half-footer he's been saliviating for. Om nom nom.

A sleazy fellow at a table. His name is Vincent (and looks like Vincent Cassel). He reveals himself to Curtis as a transporter – meaning he literally transports lucky people onto the TGV train directly, no frills, just pay the price of two tickets and skip the hassle of the lines, baggage/security checks!

Does he accept VISA? He has a phone and a card reader jack accepting VISA, MasterCard, coin, Swiss Miles.. and only one spot left!

"Wait, do you charge extra if it's a different destination?" Curtis says.

Nope. Only thing that matters is that he gets Curtis (and some other people waiting) on the trains they want.

And without skipping a beat, Curtis swipes his card on the reader, and they shake on a deal.

Vincent leads Curtis over by a janitorial entrance, and in a utility room, there's a bunch of anxious Muslims with their luggage, with a few tourists. "Let's go, let's go-" he checks his watch- "Not much time before they start to check train tickets!"

It's a hurried pace to get to the train. They have to wait for Vincent to pause the security cameras, pause for any guards or busybodies, before they're on the move to the lower train platforms.

The TGV trains are triple-deckers. Luggage is stored on the bottom deck, and the train staff never check there. Vincent, working as a janitor with maintenance privileges, opens the emergency doors for each of the trains for the stowaways to close behind them.

"Thank you so much," the Czech tourist goes, on the same train to Strasbourg as Curtis is.

"God bless you all," Vincent says, before Curtis pulls the hatch door closed, and they're in an array of compartmentalized luggage.

An electronic horn sounds; the train departs.

While the small Muslim family huddle together, the mother feeding her little son some Turkish delight – the tourist jests small talk, as if to lighten the entire mood. "We going off on a wild adventure, eh?"

Then the sudden rush of acceleration has everyone feeling like it's a horizonatal roller-coaster, stomachs churning. The father whispers to his two daughters how it's only acceleration, and that the feeling will soon pass.

The Czech guy, his name Milos, is just a travelling salesman in a white hat and a suitcase, and talks about how awesome Paris is, how nice the people he dealt with are, the food – it is just such a shame that it's grown far too dangerous for him to ever consider coming back.

"You should visit Prague! It's so wonderful there!" he tells Curtis.

A while later, Curtis has to pee. The Muslim father tells him to watch himself above decks, as a few ticketing officers are known to have photographic memories – they can catch a new face even after going though hundreds of passengers.

Curtis clambers around the floor of luggage, before finding the stairs and awkwardly looking for the washroom in what looks like the second-class passenger area.

He finds a cubicle door. It's in use. Damn, and he's on the verge of exploding in his pants..

The door slides unlocked. When it opens, he sees her blonde hair, her eyes and her lips.

It's Clare.

For an instant, he forgets all about his bladder problems, while she returns his gaze curiously.

[tazzy-zooming]

I have so many Season 9 feelings. So I wrote this.

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Zombies Run! Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Runner Five, Ernie Van Ark Additional Tags: Zombies Run Season 9 Spoilers, Friendship, Found Family, Identity Summary:

Ernie remembers Five is the one who killed him. They have a talk about why.

[tazzy-zooming]

Ernie and Five, word art version this time.

[tazzy-zooming]

S2:

VAN ARK: Runner Five, I do hope you can hear me. I’m broadcasting on a wide band of frequencies just to say – I know your face, I know your name. I do not forget, and I do not forgive. I will come and find you. When you least expect it, I am going to destroy you.

S9:

ERNIE: Veronica isn’t the only one who can calculate odds, you know. I realized a few days ago that something like this could happen. And I thought, Ernie old fellow, this entire thing is your fault. Guillemette would never have found them if it weren’t for you. So why don’t you fix it? I did so want to go to the Maghreb, make something green. Five, it’s been such a pleasure getting to know you, even though you did kill me.

[abeltownshipslittlebitch]

S9M26 Spoilers below

It we don’t rescue my science clone dad I swear my Five is burning the Maghreb Protectorate, Red Scorpion Base and Abel Township to the ground.

@dorkylittleweirdo

[abeltownshipslittlebitch]

Spoilers for ZR S9M24 below

ERNIE IM SO SORRY MY MUSTY DUSTY CLOWN ASS THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA BE MAD AT FIVE AND TURN EVIL AND KILL US I AM SO SORRY YOU DESERVE BETTER

[dorkylittleweirdo]

Big character spoilers for s9m15 and beyond

Testing out some designs for Ernie bc I can 😌 love to see the dork clone of an evil scientist tbh

[dorkylittleweirdo]

I’ve had this sitting in the DMs for a hot sec so like I might as well post it here also. Spoilers for s9m24

[zrtranscripts]

Season 10, Mission 5: Go West

A clone and a super soldier walk into a bar...

~

ERNIE VAN ARK: Well, Ranger Five, that should be it, on the horizon. The base holding your namesake, Runner Five. A top secret Valmont facility in the Spanish desert. An entire prison dedicated to a single high-priority captive. That’s what it said in the intelligence we stole from Casablanca, but all I see is an Old West town. A single strip of wooden buildings. A saloon, a sheriff’s office. No signs of life.

I don’t know much about the American West, Five. They only had so many history texts on Red Scorpion Base. Sam once said they used to make cowboy movies in the Spanish desert. There must be old sets in this area. Sam knew a lot about movies. I hoped... one day I might get to watch some with him.

[Ranger Five’s implants whir]

Weeks of searching, Ranger. Weeks since we escaped Red Scorpion. All those Valmont decoys. The fake prison in Gibraltar. The false Fives in Tangier. This can’t be another dead end, it can’t be! What would the old me say, I wonder? Something megalomaniacal, I expect. I hear him sometimes in the night, Five, scolding foolish little Ernie for letting Valmont get ahead.

Valmont’s weakness is his flair for drama. That’s what the old Van Ark would say. His tendency for fancy. Just because he built a prison doesn’t mean it looks like one! See? Most of these buildings are wooden backdrops, but not the saloon. Its windows are all barred and sealed. Hiding a prison in plain sight surrounded by tumbleweed, that’s the sort of thing Brent Valmont would do!

You’d better get your implants ready for a fight. Runner Five’s imprisoned on that film set, I’d bet on it. It’s getting dark. We can use those wooden carts to cover our approach. Watch out for guards. There’s a hero waiting on our rescue. Run!

~

ERNIE VAN ARK: Here we are, Ranger Five. The saloon. It’s even got swinging doors. Sam’d love this, wouldn’t he? We’d best be careful. We don’t know what we’ll find inside, although... it’s strange we haven’t encountered a single guard yet.

[footsteps on creaking wood, piano plays]

I don’t understand. This place is deserted, but it’s certainly not a real saloon. Look at that thick metal door behind the self-playing piano. And the bar’s a computer terminal in disguise. [sighs] Hold on, I’ll hack the door. [computer zaps] Inside, Five. Quick!

[door opens, devices whir and hiss, chemicals bubble]

So much for the Old West. This is a laboratory! Centrifuges, robot arms, dissection tables, all fully automated. There! A cell door, in the corner. That must be where Runner Five is kept. Can you wrench it open? [implants whir, metal creaks, monitor beeps] A padded cell. One poor soul strapped to a gurney... Don’t worry, Runner Five, we’re here to - ! Oh. That’s... Not Runner Five.

PETER LYNN: Time for another robot checkup, eh, Brent? Got to top me up? Oh God! Oh, that’s Van Ark himself! That’s all I... [laughs] That’s all I need.

ERNIE VAN ARK: Peter Lynn! He’s unconscious. So many tubes connected to him. The immortal! He’s the priority prisoner, not Runner Five! [discordant piano chord, alarm blares] Damn! Can you carry Peter, Five? [implants whir] Please try not to hurt him when you unhook the tubes. There’s a back exit past the fume cupboards. Must lead up into the hills. We’ve got to get him out of here. Come on, Five!

~

[alarms blare in the distance]

ERNIE VAN ARK: Alright, Five. We’re out of the immediate danger zone. These hills and gullies will give us cover, but security can’t be far away. There must be guards somewhere. We need to keep moving. How’s our patient faring? Can you hear me, Peter?

PETER LYNNE: [gasps] Cold... So cold. Oh... no, no, no! Take me back!

[cloth rustles, metal clanks]

ERNIE VAN ARK: Don’t struggle, Peter, you’ll hurt yourself. Here, take my coat. [rocks clatter, zombies growl] What was that? A hand reaching out of the ground right where my foot was a moment ago. Zombies! Another one. Careful, Five. That one almost got your leg. We need to get Peter out of here before they surface fully. Quickly, run!

[footsteps in gravel]

PETER LYNN: What’s going on? Van... Van Ark? No, you can’t have me.

ERNIE VAN ARK: Keep a good hold on him, Five.

PETER LYNN: Get your metal monstrosity off me. I can’t be here! Jenny needs me.

[cloth rustles, metal clanks]

ERNIE VAN ARK: You won’t be doing anything for anyone if those zombies get you. Now, where have they gone? [rocks clatter, zombies growl] Up ahead, Five, clawing their way out of the ground. They must have burrowed under us. No time to evade them, Ranger. We’ll have to take them out. Put Peter down and fire.

[implants whir, zombies splatter]

Thank you, Five. These must be a variant of our Tunisian zombies. [footsteps] Oh no, Peter’s running away! I didn’t think he was well enough. He’s in no state to fend for himself out here. We need to get after him. Come on, Five!

~

ERNIE VAN ARK: Another Old West film set, and nothing but scrubby desert all around. Peter must be hiding in there. Keep your sensors hot, Five. [devices whir] There, slumped against that stagecoach. The adrenaline must have worn off finally. Peter, please do listen to me. We’re here to rescue you. Well... maybe that wasn’t the initial intention, but it’s certainly what we intend to do now. You have to stop running away! Let Ranger Five help you.

PETER LYNNE: [laughs] Your oversize Roomba can just keep its distance! I have had enough robotic hands inserting things in me for a lifetime! There are only so many curative substances one man can take, even me!

ERNIE VAN ARK: Curative substances?

PETER LYNNE: Which one was your favorite, Ernie? The one that blistered every inch of skin on my body? Or what about the projectile vomiting? Or – or that one where all my blood vessels ruptured at once, leaving me clinically dead for a week?

ERNIE VAN ARK: Peter, these experiments, these horrible experiments, they weren’t mine! I-I know what my other self did to you. Janine told me. I think it was the thing she was angriest about. But I’m not with Valmont. I was his prisoner, too! He destroyed the only homes I’ve ever known. Red Scorpion Base, my friends from Abel. He even killed Guillemette. And she was... kind to me, in her way. I saw him bragging about it in a Ranger’s files.

PETER LYNNE: I... don’t know what your game is. Maybe you are telling the truth, [laughs] I can’t tell! I think I lost touch with reality several experiments ago. You need to stop your walking Tonka truck stomping around like that. If you are who you say you are, I would get going while I still can.

ERNIE VAN ARK: Not without you.

PETER LYNNE: I have to say, [laughs] I’m surprised this latest batch is so mild. Uh, you know, I’ve had worse comedowns in abandoned warehouses in Manchester. Credit where it’s due, though, it certainly is... moreish.

ERNIE VAN ARK: Moreish? Has Valmont been injecting you with opiates? To make you dependent, I suppose.

PETER LYNNE: You know, a normal person’s first thought would have been to numb the pain.

ERNIE VAN ARK: Oh. Yes, I suppose it would.

PETER LYNNE: It doesn’t. Just FYI. Numb the pain, I mean. Oh, and as-as for the dependency, bit redundant if you ask me. Not like I have much choice but to stay here. [rock rumbles and clatters] Oh, [laughs] there’s my ride now.

ERNIE VAN ARK: Burrowing zombies, more this time! We need to move before the whole street gives way! [ground collapses] Peter, Ranger? Is everyone alright?

PETER LYNNE: Oh, yep, never better!

ERNIE VAN ARK: Fascinating! We’ve fallen into some kind of underground tunnel system.

[zombies growl]

PETER LYNNE: And we’re not the only ones.

ERNIE VAN ARK: There’s zombies breaking through the walls. I thought they had human hands, but they’re actually more like huge blunt claws.

PETER LYNN: This is no time to admire monster design, Van Ark. Listen, I don’t much care if you live, but assuming you do, I suggest you follow me. I’ve been here before... and I know a way out, but we need to go now.

ERNIE VAN ARK: You heard him, Five. Run!

~

PETER LYNNE: Looks like we’ve lost them for now.

ERNIE VAN ARK: A chamber in the tunnels filled with Old West memorabilia. A sheriff’s hat, a gun holster, a giant cow’s skull. Wait. Not all of these are animal bones. That’s a human tibia with some flesh still hanging off it. It looks like it’s been... gnawed! Peter, what is this place?

PETER LYNNE: Ah, it’s just a cavern.

ERNIE VAN ARK: A cavern with claw marks on the walls that are a perfect match for those mole-like zombies and pits in the ground filled with more half-eaten corpses. I think that one’s moving! This isn’t a cavern, it’s a larder!

PETER LYNNE: I suppose you could call it that.

ERNIE VAN ARK: You brought us here deliberately! You wanted to be caught!

PETER LYNNE: Well, what was I supposed to do, trust you? Ernie Van Ark, action hero? Oh, forgive me if I don’t buy that from the man who ended the world!

ERNIE VAN ARK: And you allied with him from what I’ve heard! Why am I irredeemable, but not you?

PETER LYNNE: I don’t know! Uh, maybe both of us are, uh... But I can’t leave. The way out’s over there. I’m going this way, into the belly of the beast. Follow me or don’t follow me. I don’t care.

~

ERNIE VAN ARK: There he is, Ranger. Just standing in the center of a huge chamber surrounded by decaying, half-eaten corpses. He looks utterly without hope. Peter, please -

[intercom squeals]

BRENT VALMONT: Petey, Petey, Petey. If you’re hearing this, it means you’ve tried to escape again.

ERNIE VAN ARK: Oh no.

PETER LYNNE: Don’t worry, it’s a recording. I don’t even rate live surveillance, apparently.

BRENT VALMONT: You remember the rules of La Prisión de la DeLuca, don’t you? You stay put and let me try out my samples on you and I don’t cut off Janine’s fingers one by one and make you listen to her screams. Got it? Good! Now you enjoy the zombies hospitality and I’ll have someone out to pick you up ASAP. ASAPish, anyway. Only fair to let my undead security team have a nibble after the trouble you’ve given them. Oh, and uh, don’t try this again! Third strike, and Janine really will be out. Ta-ra.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, I escaped once before, but the zombies caught me. They’ve got a slow-acting strain of the virus, so they don’t need to feed as ravenously as your normal zom. They just bury you in a pit and pull bits off whenever they fancy a snack. It was... Days before the extraction team arrived.

ERNIE VAN ARK: So Valmont says he has Janine, and you just... believe him?

PETER LYNNE: [laughs] What choice do I have? If there’s any chance I can keep her safe -

ERNIE VAN ARK: No.

PETER LYNNE: What do you mean, no?

ERNIE VAN ARK: I won’t allow it. We came here to rescue a friend and that’s exactly what we’re going to do. We can find Janine together. Runner Five, too.

PETER LYNNE: And if I don’t want to come, you’ll just kidnap me again, I presume.

ERNIE VAN ARK: No. If you stay, we stay, too.

PETER LYNNE: Oh great, very productive. We can all enjoy Brent’s lovely acid trips together!

ERNIE VAN ARK: Yes, except he won’t need you then, will he, if he has me? I can be his scientist and lab rat rolled into one. What do you think happens to you then? To Janine?

PETER LYNNE: You... [laughs] you wouldn’t.

ERNIE VAN ARK: Don’t presume to know what I would or wouldn’t do, Peter Lynne! You refuse to believe I’m on your side, so do you really want to risk Valmont getting his hands on me again? [zombies growl, rock clatters] Hundreds of burrowing zombies bursting out of every square foot of wall and ceiling. Decision time, Peter. Them or me.

PETER LYNNE: Alright, fine! That tunnel to the left, that’s the route Valmont’s men took the last time they hauled me out of here. It’s a safe passage to the surface. Follow me. Go, go!

~

[footsteps]

PETER LYNNE: [gasps] The surface. We’ve made it.

ERNIE VAN ARK: Keep running. These zombies tunnel at incredible speed. We’re not out of the woods yet. [zombie growls, rock clatters] To your left, Five! Claws bursting out of the ground.

PETER LYNNE: Up ahead, a whole line of them like an undead barbed wire fence!

ERNIE VAN ARK: We’ll have to jump them, then head for the river beyond. Ready, Ranger? 1, 2, 3, jump! [implants whir, footsteps, water flows] We’re over the river. Keep going!

PETER LYNNE: Wait! [laughs] Wait! [laughs] They’ve stopped following us.

ERNIE VAN ARK: The river must act as a natural boundary to their territory.

PETER LYNNE: Oh God... Oh God, what was I thinking? I can’t go on the lam with Van Ark! Janine...

ERNIE VAN ARK: Peter, you being locked up in that lab helps no one but Valmont. What do you think he’ll do to Janine once you’ve outlived your purpose, hmm?

PETER LYNNE: But when he finds out I’ve escaped -

ERNIE VAN ARK: Who’s going to tell him, the zombies? That message was prerecorded. He doesn’t know you’ve escaped yet. And he doesn’t expect you to actually try, not with Janine at stake. He won’t know you’re not in the zombies’ larder until he can get a recovery team out here. That will be two weeks at the earliest based on the map I’ve constructed of Valmont’s facilities. Find her before then, and Janine’s safe.

PETER LYNNE: All right... Say I trust you on that. What’s next? Do you even have a plan?

ERNIE VAN ARK: That recording, do you remember hearing anything in the background?

PETER LYNNE: I don’t know. Bird calls, maybe?

ERNIE VAN ARK: Several different species, if I’m not much mistaken. And more than that. There were waves, too, crashing against rock.

PETER LYNNE: So we’re looking for a seaside location that’s... popular with birdwatchers, or-or used to be?

ERNIE VAN ARK: There’s only one Valmont facility that matches those criteria. I’ve got the map here. Look, this island.

PETER LYNNE: Tabarca. That’s... really close. All right. Okay. I don’t know what Valmont’s drugs have done to me, or... how I’ll cope without them. But I can last until we get to Janine. I can free Jenny. And then nothing else matters.

~

[zrtranscripts]

Season 10, Mission 1: Two Kinds of People

Change With the Times

~

[helicopter blades whir]

SLAVA: Red Scorpion Base just on the horizon. See it now, Ranger Five? And all around it, rolling dunes, a few isolated caravans winding their way between oases. Must have looked the same a thousand years ago. You’d hardly know the zombie apocalypse happened. [chuckles] Mind you, briefing said the zoms hide beneath the sands in these parts. Useful adaption. Mr. Valmont says, “We have to change with the times or die.”

RANGER SEVEN: Correction. Zombies are already dead.

SLAVA: [laughs] Good one, Ranger Seven! Oh wait, you weren’t joking. Not in the programming, right? Closer now. Can you see the smoke? That’s courtesy of Abel Township.

RANGER SEVEN: Abel Township. Designation: enemy settlement. Action plan: eradicate.

SLAVA: Give that supersoldier a cigar! But that’s a problem for future us. [rocket launches, alarm blares] Rocker launch on our three! Evasive maneuvers! [rocket zooms past] Nice piloting, Five! Best put us down here, outside the perimeter. Don’t want anyone else taking a pot shot.

[chuckles] Mind you, I don’t think that rocket was aimed at us. Looks like there’s a firefight going on inside Red Scorpion. Lucky I’ve got two strapping soldiers to guard me. Mr. Valmont said you’d been a bit glitchy lately, but you’re the only two in fighting condition. “Always make the best of what you’ve got, Slava!” That’s what Mr. Valmont told me.

Touchdown. Out of the bird, both of you. Better get moving. [door opens] This mission is time critical. [zombies groan] Also, looks like we’ve woken up a few of those burrowing zoms. More than a few. Remember the brief: find and eliminate Ernie Van Ark. Now run!

~

SLAVA: We’ve outpaced the zoms. Got to say, you guys are quick on your feet. Not exactly been dazzling me with your witty repartee. But then, Mr. Valmont told me he took your voice box out, Five. Guess there’s not much point talking when all you’re saying is, “Yes sir, no sir.” Ranger Five, take point. Seven, guard our rear.

RANGER SEVEN: Yes, sir.

SLAVA: I’ve got to be honest, you guys give me the creeps. Don’t get me wrong, almost unkillable cyborg soldiers definitely a mission asset. You’ve got to respect a trooper with built-in ordinance. But your eyes... Oy. You always look like you’re screaming on the inside!

RANGER SEVEN: Error. Enhanced soldiers don’t experience fear.

SLAVA: [chuckles] Or happiness, or sadness. Or that feeling when you get when you’re too full, but you’re going to eat the last chocolate anyway. You know what I mean? What am I saying, or course not. I heard it was quite the technical challenge making it so you don’t care about anything.

Me, I came that way out the box. A 93 on the Levenson Self-Report Psychopathy Scale. Took that test when I was seven. Bet you’re wondering why they gave a seven-year-old psychopathy tests, aren’t you?

RANGER SEVEN: No, sir.

SLAVA: Hm. Well, it was Mr. Valmont. He funded a string of orphanages across the old Eastern Block. “Charity has its place.” That’s what he says. “And that place is when it’s benefiting me.” He arranged for the orphanages to give all the kids the Levenson test, and the real high achievers like me got taken out and put into special schools, Valmont Academies. Mr. Valmont’s been training me for a long time. That’s why I’m the best at what I do.

RANGER SEVEN: Ranger Five has reached the perimeter wall.

SLAVA: [sighs] I can see that. Now breach it.

RANGER SEVEN: Ranger Five, initiate perimeter wall breach protocol.

[rubble clatters]

SLAVA: If Mr. Valmont wants one for the tip box, maybe give the next batch of supersoldiers a bit more get up and go. Nicely done, Five. You’re through! We’re heading for Control Alpha. That’s the blocky concrete monstrosity at the back. But we need to keep our heads down. Mr. Valmont’s been cleaning up shop. And by cleaning up, I mean shooting, and by shop, I mean all the base personnel.

[zombies groan]

Damn it! Zoms are catching up, and they’ve brought some friends. I guess the noise drew them. And now we’ve given them a way into the base. Oh well. Should help the other crews with the cleanup, but we’d better run.

~

SLAVA: No hostile contact yet. Lots of broken glass. Remains of a solar panel field, I’d say. Looks like old damage. Mr. Valmont told me those Abel Township people did a number on the place. Ranger Five, clear us a path to the entrance.

[glass clatters]

Guess you guys are wondering why Ernie’s a target. Wondered the same thing myself. I know how much effort Mr. Valmont put into creating him. But he said to me, “I had such high hopes. The original Van Ark was so bracingly immoral! But remakes are always a disappointment, aren’t they, Slava? Ernie’s the Wicker Man of evil masterminds.”

Remake! [laughs] Mr. Valmont got a way with words, hasn’t he? When I was a kid, I used to write down everything he said to me. Had a secret journal for it. Hid it under my bed. They didn’t like you keeping anything private in the Valmont Academies, but I wanted to remember it all! He only came to visit us at Christmas and Easter, spent a little time talking to everyone. Highlight of my year.

RANGER SEVEN: The path to the door is clear.

SLAVA: I can see that. Five, override the security lock on the door, would you? Looks like someone’s tried to disable it from the inside. [electronics whir] See the corpses, Seven? One to the chest, one to the head. Classic double tap. Mr. Valmont sent in a few kill teams before us. People here knew too much about his plans.

That’s the trouble with new hires. They’re never completely loyal, not like me. Can’t trust them not to blab. “It’s not a secret when three know it.” [laughs] That’s not Mr. Valmont. Heard it off a kid from one of those weird Scottish islands. Morn, Marn? Something like that. Lot of kids from around there in the orphanage.

[door opens]

RANGER SEVEN: Ranger Five has gained access. We can go home now.

SLAVA: Home? I suppose it is the closest thing they’ve got to home. Okay. Ernie’s holed himself up in the executive bunker. Probably treating himself to Mr. Valmont’s 60-year-old Macallan whiskey. Probably thinks he’s sitting pretty in there, but you guys laugh in the face of reinforced steel.

The zoms have reached the breach in the wall. Must be a good score of them now. Doesn’t matter. We’re on a timer, anyway. Oh, didn’t I mention? Mr. Valmont wants a tissue sample from Van Ark. That’s why we’re going in. But more importantly, he wants Van Ark dead, so he’s got a bomber standing by. The whole place is going boom in 15 minutes, and if we’re not out by then, so are we. “Pressure’s good. It’s how you make diamonds.” [chuckles] He told me that when I was 13. Ranger Five, Ranger Seven, watch my six. We’re going in.

~

[gunshots]

SLAVA: So this is where the real action is. Armory. Figures. “We’re just apes fighting over scarce resources,” like Mr. Valmont says. We’ve got cover behind these crates, but it’ll be hard to get across without catching a stray bullet. I can’t see who’s fighting who. Looks like every man for himself. Very high body count. Okay, Seven. See that metal table? That’ll have to do for our next piece of cover. Five, suppressing fire while we run. Now! Made it. Looks like they winged you though, Seven.

RANGER SEVEN: They wired the pain receptors to the pleasure receptors in my brain. I was made to be hurt.

SLAVA: Yeah, sure, buddy. Come to us now, Five. Seven will cover.

RANGER SEVEN: We’re not alone.

SLAVA: Yeah, I see them. Zoms have come to join in the fun. Good news for us. Everybody turned fire on them.

RANGER SEVEN: Ranger Five, we’re not alone.

SLAVA: You already said! No, wait. Is that another supersoldier?

RANGER SEVEN: His battles are over.

SLAVA: Oh shit, a zombie supersoldier! Forget cover, just run!

~

SLAVA: This place is a maze. Endless olive green corridors. Could have gone for a more cheerful color. It’s not like the walls need camo. [zombie growls] Damn it, can’t seem to shake that supersoldier zom! Guess the cybernetics keep working even while the flesh is rotting away. You’ve got a clear shot, Five. Take it! Five, don’t malfunction on me now! [gunfire] All right, belay that. It hasn’t even dented him. Take a left here. Schematics say it should lead to... Yes. Inner courtyard, greenhouse. There’s a service hatch to the tunnel network there, shortcut to Ernie’s hidey-hole

RANGER SEVEN: This was Ernest Van Ark’s place. Ernest Van Ark was happy here.

SLAVA: Was he? Guess you’d know. You must have seen him around the base back in the day.

RANGER SEVEN: All the plants are dry and dead. No one to water them while Ernest Van Ark was gone. When things are neglected, they die.

SLAVA: Not necessarily. Take me. Mr. Valmont gave me my psych profile to read a couple of years back. There’s stuff in there from before I can remember. Like apparently no one hugged me for the first whole year of my life. Crazy, right? But Mr. Valmont says that’s what makes me me. It makes me special.

RANGER SEVEN: When things are neglected, they die on the inside.

SLAVA: Jesus, you’re weird. Five, what are you waiting around for? Get that trap door open. [hatch creaks open] Seven, buy us time to get clear, any means necessary. I don’t care if that zom tears you from limb to limb. I don’t need both you and Five to finish this mission. [glass shatters] It’s here! Five, take point. Go!

~

SLAVA: This is it, the entrance to Ernie’s bunker. What are you waiting for, Five? Get that door off. Only eight inches of steel, shouldn’t take you long.

RANGER SEVEN: Wait... for... me.

SLAVA: Seven, I thought I told you to guard our rear.

RANGER SEVEN: I must... complete... the mission. Ernest Van Ark is the mission. I must complete the mission for Ernest Van Ark.

[metal creaks]

SLAVA: Nicely done, Five. Took that door clean off. Now stand back.

ERNEST VAN ARK: Finally! I wasn’t sure you’d make it. It’s a bit of a mess out there.

SLAVA: Sorry, Mr. Van Ark, but we’re not here to rescue you.

ERNEST VAN ARK: Oh, I wasn’t talking to you. Thank you, Five. Thank you, Seven. I’m grateful for the risks you took. I suppose you’d better relieve your companion of that rather dangerous-looking gun.

SLAVA: What? Five, let go of me! What are you doing?

ERNEST VAN ARK: The inevitable. It’s the nature of sentience that a being will come to know and choose for itself. My friends at Abel taught me that.

SLAVA: Ranger Five, you are malfunctioning. Run diagnostic Hotel Golf. Obey me, damn it! Valmont made you. He owns you!

ERNEST VAN ARK: The thing is, Miroslava, a child doesn’t belong to its parents. A clone isn’t... fenced in by his genetics. And supersoldiers can break free of their programming, with a little help.

RANGER SEVEN: Ernest Van Ark freed soldier 2759. Ernest Van Ark is our friend.

SLAVA: It’s the supersoldier zom! You aren’t getting out of this alive, Van Ark!

ERNEST VAN ARK: If I die, you die. But you genuinely don’t care about that, do you? What did Valmont do to you?

RANGER SEVEN: Go, Ernest Van Ark. I will stop him.

ERNEST VAN ARK: Nonsense. We’re all getting out of this together.

RANGER SEVEN: I am hurt. I will slow you down. My tactical onboard computer calculates 13% survival chance if I accompany you.

ERNEST VAN ARK: Seven, no!

RANGER SEVEN: Five will protect you. This is my choice.

~

ERNEST VAN ARK: I think that’s far enough, Five. We’re clear of the base, and clear of the zoms. Too much food inside for us to be of interest. No sign of Seven. I thought... I thought he might make it out after all. How arrogant of me to assume it would all go according to my plan. Not entirely free of my genetics after all.

There’s no sign of Miroslava, either. It would have been sensible to dispose of her, but I know you don’t much care for killing anymore, Five. She could cause problems for us down the line. But then again, she could be trapped inside when... right on schedule. Valmont’s bomber, come to dispose of the evidence. [explosion] Dear me... He doesn’t do things by halves, does he? And now he thinks we died in the base.

I imagine New Agadir would be happy to take you in, Five. They’re very keen on new tech, and on freedom. No? Onward, then. Without Valmont on our backs, we can concentrate on what’s important. What do you say, Five? Do you think it’s time to go and find your namesake?

~

[tazzy-zooming]

Every so often I re-read Ernie’s letter from S9. It destroys me every time. S2 Van Ark was right. When I least expected it, he destroyed me. Friendship really is the most powerful weapon of all.