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crazychaoticizzy · 6 months

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Good Grief Part II

Erwin Smith X Reader

Sometimes, the things that seem good for us cause us the most grief, and that is why we should always think through our decisions.

WARNINGS: canonverse, angst, insecurity, death, smut, breeding, creampie, fingering, pregnancy, gaslighting, MINORS DNI

Word Count: 10.5k

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It was after you opened the front door, cheeks wet and eyes bloodshot, that Erwin realized this isn’t the life he was meant for.

You cleared your throat, wiping your cheeks as you leaned against the doorframe. You held the door against you, treating Erwin like a stranger that had come to your house.

Marie was with Benjamin in the living room, sitting on the floor and softly tickling his stomach. She had managed to visit after you wrote to her, which was more than Erwin had done for his own son.

“Hi, my love.” You had to force it out, and God that hurt so bad because even after everything you still loved him. You still missed the touch of his hand and the feel of his skin against yours and the sound of his voice.

Erwin opens his mouth to speak, apologize, beg for forgiveness, something, but his words fall flat and he’s left looking like an idiot in front of his own house. You stand in awkward silence, your fingers tapping against the door.

Your head turns at the sound of crying, and you see Marie pick Benjamin up, softly cooing at him. She stands, rocking the baby and quietly shushing him.

“Is that . . .” Erwin doesn’t get to finish his sentence because you’ve already left the doorway, reaching out for Benjamin and cradling him in your arms.

Erwin takes a slow step into his house, not knowing what to do with himself. Marie stands to the side, lost in thought and biting her nails. She turns her head when she hears Erwin’s footsteps, and her nose crinkles at the sight of him.

She looks away before Erwin can think anything of it.

You sit in a chair, quietly talking in an attempt to calm Benjamin. You softly stroke his cheek with your thumb and hold him close to you, thinking about why he might be upset before his cries slowly come to a stop.

He just wanted your attention.

That seems to be a common thread in this small family.

You glance over at Erwin as you hold your son against your chest, not knowing how to feel as he watches you. Benjamin tugs on your hair, and you turn your head to get it out of his hand before he puts it in his mouth.

Erwin comes up behind you, quietly and cautiously. He puts a hand on your shoulder, and you might be mad at him—so incredibly pissed at the audacity of your husband—but God you would be lying if you said his touch didn’t still make you swoon.

You try your best to ignore Erwin’s touch, anything to show that his actions have consequences and he can’t expect you to just forgive him so easily. Except no matter how hard you try you can’t help but lean into his burning touch. Because it had been so long since you had this skin to skin contact, and it felt so good.

You glance up at Marie, discreetly telling her with your eyes that she should leave for a bit. You wordlessly bicker, but finally she rolls her eyes and leaves, announcing her plans to go to the market.

Erwin waits until the front door closes before he sits in the chair beside yours. His arm rests against the table, his hand closed in a fist as he rubs the pads of his forefinger and thumb together.

He watched you interact with his son. He takes note of the small smile you give when he laughs, tired eyes crinkling at the corners. You reach for a handmade doll on the table, showing it to Benjamin before he takes it from your grasp and begins gnawing at its head. You lay him on the table, fingers gently running across his stomach to draw giggles from him.

“What’s his name?” Erwin asks, which was such a stupid thing to do because you turn your attention away from Benjamin and look at Erwin with a faded smile. He can see it in your eyes, every time you lose just a little bit of faith in him. Even when he can’t physically see you, he always closes his eyes to see your look of defeat every time he writes a letter telling you he won’t be coming home for longer than expected.

“I told you in the letters.” Letters that Erwin doesn’t read. Every time he gets a new one he smiles and sets it on his bed as a reminder to read it later. But he never does, because some pathetic excuse makes itself present.

He realizes now that he really should read your letters.

“Right.” He nods, running his hand over the lower half of his face in an attempt to look like he’s thinking.

Your eyes move away from him, going back to your baby’s wandering gaze as he looks up at the ceiling.

“It’s Benjamin,” you softly say. “I hope you like it.”

Erwin stares at your face. He thinks the soft smile that paints itself on your lips is beautiful, but it’s not directed at him. That breaks his heart just a little bit because barely even a year ago the brightest smile he had ever seen came from you when you got married.

And now, he isn’t even part of the reason your smile seems so radiant and proud.

Benjamin yawns, his eyes drooping as he continues gnawing on the head of his doll. You glance out the window as the sound of a church bell fills the air, counting how many times it rings before the last sounds dissipate from the air.

You stand, carefully picking Benjamin up as you push in your chair. “It’s about time for him to nap,” you simply said, glancing up at Erwin. “Do you want to . . ?”

You leave the question floating in the air, unfinished. You aren’t even sure if you should have asked, but you’re glad that you did when Erwin hesitantly nods.

Your lips slightly curl, not enough for Erwin to notice, but enough for you to think you might still be in love with him.

You hold Benjamin close to you, resting his head against your chest and lightly tapping his bottom to the beat of your heart. You learned rather quickly that made him go out like a light whenever he was tired, and soon enough you were taking careful steps to your bedroom where his crib waited.

Erwin followed, quietly marveling at the way you gingerly lay Benjamin in the crib, your touch lingering on his face as you smooth down his eyebrow before pulling away.

Hardly even four months old and your son already has eyebrows that resemble his father’s.

You feel Erwin’s eyes boring into you, and you turn your head. He stands hesitantly in the doorway, tapping his fingers against the frame. You beckon him to come closer, and he does. He takes silent steps across the wooden floor and stands beside you, looking down at his sleeping son for the first time.

A pang goes through his heart, because God how could he ever let you deal with this on your own. Sure, Anastasia and Marie had come to help, but that should have been him. It should have been his hand you squeezed instead of Anastasia’s as you gave birth, and it should have been him that you spent your days with instead of alone or with Marie.

But no. So far the only thing he had provided for you was tears, and he realizes then that he must have been the reason you were crying when you opened the door for him.

You allow your gaze to rest on him as he gazes down at your baby. Your eyes trail along his silhouette, following the outline of his nose and lips. He’s still tall and handsome as ever, and you hope that’s something about him that will never change.

“Why did you knock?” you whisper. Erwin tears his gaze away from Benjamin. Standing this close to him, you can see the specks of brown that circle his pupils in both eyes.

Erwin swallows, Adam’s apple bobbing as he speaks. “I wasn’t sure that I was welcome.”

It’s silent after he says that. You take his hand, running your thumb across his knuckles. “This is your house, too. You’re always welcome. No matter what.”

Erwin squeezes your hand and that’s when you notice the roughness of his fingertips. You notice his jaw is clenched when he isn’t speaking and the way he runs a hand through his neat hair in visible distress.

He lets out a shaky exhale. “I’m so sorry. I promised I would be there.”

“You should have been. But you’re here now.” It’s silent for a moment, and you decide you should probably step out of the room before you accidentally wake Benjamin.

You close the door behind you, leaving it open a bit to let air travel through the room but also to hear if Benjamin wakes up.

“Please try to make an effort,” you say once the two of you had started walking down the hall. “I know that being a scout is demanding and obviously you have more important things to worry about, but you have a son now. You need to be in his life at least a little bit.”

You resumed your former seat at the table, crossing your arms and leaning back in your chair as Erwin sat beside you. “If Anastasia can manage to visit me every now and then I’m sure you can, too.”

Erwin nods, and a silent agreement is made. You two sit in silence before you stand up and grab a bunch of fabric and needles, beginning to work on them at the table. He watches you work, takes note of the way you hardly even wince when you accidentally stab yourself, and he wonders how he could ever leave you again.

—

When Erwin holds Benjamin for the first time, he thinks that maybe he was never meant to be a dad.

Because Benjamin starts squirming and crying and pushing his father away, and Erwin is scared he’ll drop him before you take him in your arms.

“He’s like that with everyone. He just- He needs to get used to you,” you say, choosing your last words carefully. Except it didn’t really matter what you said, because he could still feel his heart crack.

He watches you rub Benjamin’s arm, muttering nonsense to him as you smile. You stand so close to Erwin that he can feel the heat of your skin through his clothes, and he can’t help but tentatively put a hand around your waist to pull you even closer.

And, by some miracle from god, you let him. As foolish as it might be, you lean into his touch and give him a soft smile, turning your body so Benjamin is closer to his father.

You might be frustrated with your husband, but that doesn’t mean your child should be unfamiliar with his own flesh and blood.

You softly take Erwin’s hand, lifting it so it enters Benjamin’s field of vision. He takes it, squeezing Erwin’s pointer finger in his small hand.

“That’s your daddy,” you say, and you think that Erwin must think you’re crazy for talking to someone that can’t even understand you yet. You laugh when Benjamin puts Erwin’s finger in his mouth, gnawing at it like he does with everything else.

Erwin’s heart swells, because Benjamin looks up and leans back, his head falling on Erwin’s chest. Erwin swears he’s never felt anything like he did when he looked down, seeing Benjamin’s big eyes looking up at him.

“Daddy’s been gone for a while, but he’ll be here more often,” you say, smiling. “He’ll have to leave a lot, but he’ll always be back, I promise. And you’ll love him.” You pause, leaning forward to leave a soft kiss on Benjamin’s forehead. “Just like I do.”

Because you do. Anything he does will end up being forgiven because you love him that much.

Marie came back hours later It was right before the sun had started to set, and you and Erwin were sitting close together on the couch. Erwin was smiling down at Benjamin, and you were staring at Erwin. You had a small smile on your face, and Marie remembers thinking that you forgave him too easily.

Later that night, when Benjamin had been put to bed and it was about time you go to sleep as well, you’re hesitant to change in front of Erwin. There are stretch marks on your stomach and breasts that you wish you didn’t have, and you don’t want your husband to see you as any less because of them.

So you change facing away from him, but once your blouse is off he slips his hands around your waist and kisses the top of your head. He presses his face into your hair, taking a deep breath.

“I am so sorry,” he whispers. “So, so sorry that I ever left you alone. I promised I would put you first, and I didn’t.”

You froze, because you hadn’t expected him to be so close. You hold your blouse to your chest, hoping the action is subtle enough to hide yourself.

“Thank you for giving me another chance,” Erwin continues. He slowly turns you around, making you tilt your head up to make eye contact with him. He takes your hands in his, bringing them to his lips and softly kissing your knuckles. “I’ll be better this time. I swear it.”

“You said that last time.”

“I know. But I mean it this time. I’ll take the breaks I’m given and spend time with you and Benjamin.”

You sigh, slipping your hands out of his. Your head hurts, and you lift a hand to press against your forehead in an attempt to relieve the pain.

But Erwin’s fingers ghost over your waist and you know you fucked up because now he saw the stretch marks and there’s no covering or hiding them and God he’s not going to think you’re pretty anymore and-

“What are these?” he asks, his eyes traveling up to meet yours. “Are you hurt?”

You shake your head, taking a deep breath to clear your thoughts as you toss your blouse in a pile of dirty clothes. “No. It’s, uhm, it’s from being pregnant. They’re just stretch marks, it’s nothing.”

Sometimes Erwin knows exactly what you’re thinking. Sometimes he’ll be able to pinpoint exactly how you’re feeling and why, and you can never figure out why he doesn’t use that ability all the time.

This was one of those times, because he leaned forward and pressed a lingering kiss to your temple and said, “You’re gorgeous, darling.”

And that just made you feel like you could rule the world.

—

Erwin held up on his promise. He came home when he was supposed to and stayed for as long as possible before leaving again. You had started to become the perfect family you wanted to be, finally having the husband you had married and the unexpected life you had come to love.

You had watched your son grow together, a few years passing before he was already looking up to his father. Benjamin decided at a young age that he was going to join the military, hoping to join the same branch as Erwin and to one day serve under him.

There were times, of course, that Erwin brought his work home and worked tirelessly at the dining table. He would wave you off when you talked to him while he was working, but he always made sure to pay attention when Benjamin wanted to show or tell him something.

Sure, he might not have been the husband you were originally hoping for, but he was the best father you could have asked him to be and you were grateful for that. He was patient and kind and understanding, and when Benjamin brought up his dreams to Erwin one night at dinner, Erwin looked up from his papers. He stared at Benjamin for a moment before he cracked a smile.

He had stacked his papers, putting them to the side and directing all his attention to Benjamin. You had smiled, but some sinking feeling in your heart made you hesitant to agree when Erwin said he’d teach Benjamin how to become a Scout. But you didn’t want to be that person. You wanted your son to know that you would always support him, no matter how old he was.

But maybe wanting to join the Scout Regiment at the young age of five wasn’t the brightest idea.

“He’ll be fine, darling. It’s probably just a phase he’ll grow out of in a couple weeks, if even that long.”

You sighed, closing your eyes and leaning against him as he massaged your shoulders. You’d been stressing over this so much you hadn’t even allowed yourself time to change into more comfortable clothes. “But he’s five. I’m scared that if we feed into this he won’t grow out of it and then it’ll all spiral into this big thing.”

Erwin softly laughs, kissing the back of your head. “You just said he’s five. Plenty of five-year-olds go through a million phases of what they want to be when they grow up.”

“Most parents shrug it off, though. You’re actually going to be involved in trying to help him achieve this goal.”

Erwin’s hands travel down your arms, grabbing your hand and spinning you around. He softly kisses your lips. “I won’t teach him anything actually useful. It’ll be more like playful roughhousing.”

You let out a breath. Something was telling you this was a bad idea, but you weren’t sure if it was a genuine gut feeling or just the anxiety of a mother. But you do give in, because you trust your husband to keep your son safe and keep him in line.

“Alright.” Erwin kisses you again, slow and carefully like he used to. You hum when you feel his hands on your waist, pulling you impossibly closer. Your arms wrap around his shoulders, and you softly gasp when he lifts you up effortlessly.

You say his name, but it barely comes out as a breath. He sits on the bed, placing you in his lap so you straddle him. Your skirt had bunched up around your hips, and you softly gasped when you felt that he was hard.

Your eyes fluttered shut as he began kissing your neck, starting at the empty space behind your ear and slowly moving down to the hollow of your throat. His hands traced along your torso, slowly undoing the laces holding your dress together.

The room heats up as you begin peeling each other’s clothes off. Your breaths are hot as you exchange steamy kisses, quietly moaning against each other.

“What about Benjamin?” you ask, now lying bare beneath him. You undo the last button on his shirt, pushing it off his shoulders and tossing it to the side. You smile as he kisses you, running your hands across his shoulders and along the hard planes of his chest.

“He was rather adamant about sleeping on his own tonight,” Erwin says against your collarbone. “I think we can do something before he realizes he can’t do it.”

You softly laugh, humming as he kisses your lips again. He moves your hands so they’re above your head, holding them down by your wrists as his other ghosts along your side. The touch makes you shudder in anticipation, every single nerve ending in your body catching fire and giving you goosebumps.

You gasp when you feel his middle finger slide up your slit, teasing you by dragging it along painfully slow. Erwin was always so attentive, always such a fast learner that stored information for later use.

You’re thankful for that, because the way his thumb draws circles on your clit as he pushes a finger inside makes you hope you’ll actually have an orgasm this time.

Your breath hitches as he slowly thrusts his finger inside, bent and gliding along your walls. You press your lips together, muffling a moan when you feel his ring finger poke at your entrance before entering as well. You can feel the wedding band on his finger, the coldness of it a stark contrast to everything else. It makes you keen his name just a bit too loud, and Erwin stops all movement to listen.

After a moment where nothing happens, he shushes you. “We can’t have Benjamin walking in, can we?”

You shake your head, looking up at him with pleading eyes. His fingers curl inside you again and he chuckles at the soft gasp that leaves your lips.

"We have to be quiet, my love,” he whispers against your lips. “I don’t want you making any loud sounds.”

You let out a breath as he removes his fingers, and you watch as he lifts his hand to his mouth and drags his tongue across his fingers. You feel hot under his piercing gaze, feeling so needy and weak. He cracks a smile as you squirm under him, hoping to alleviate some of the tension you’re feeling.

He lets go of your wrist to straighten himself out. You watch as he unbuckles his belt, slipping it out of the loops and his hand. The buckle clangs against the floor, making both you and Erwin freeze and listen.

“What happened to being quiet?” you tease, a smile playing on your lips.

The tips of his ears turn red as he unbuttons his pants and takes them off. He lets them fall on the floor with the rest of your discarded clothes before he’s on top of you again, pressing his lips to yours in a slow sensual kiss that leaves you lightheaded.

“What do you want, darling?” he mumbles between kisses. His hands had gone back between your legs, the tips of his fingers giving slow strokes to your pussy that made it hard to focus.

“I-I want you inside me,” you say, softly gasping when he removes his fingers and pokes his tip at your entrance. “Please.”

“How could I say no to my pretty wife?” he muses, pushing in just the tip. That alone was enough to have you softly moaning, and Erwin kisses you again to muffle your noises.

He continued to gradually push in, stopping when his hips were flush against yours to let you adjust. When you finally nod, practically begging him to move he slowly pulls back before pushing inside again.

It makes you shudder, your hair standing on end as he slowly thrusts into you. You long for more—you want him to fill you completely and make you feel the same way you did your first night together.

And maybe, you want the product again.

“Erwin, I want another baby.” It barely comes out as a whisper, but your words make your husband’s thrusts falter.

“You want another one?” His breath is hot against your neck as you nod, your fingers entwining with his. He plants openmouthed kisses against you, and the way he suddenly hits against that one spot inside leaves you breathless.

You moan just a bit too loud, biting down on your lip to silence yourself. Erwin lets out an amused breath, but he finds himself holding back a groan as he comes closer and closer to the edge.

“I’ll give you that baby if you’re quiet,” he says. It barely registers because this just feels so different than the first time and you aren’t sure how to string together a proper sentence. You simply nod, closing your eyes as the bedframe silently creaks with every movement.

“The bed,” you softly remind, your breath catching.

“I know, I know. We’re almost there, love. Almost . . .”

He groans against you, and you would remind him that you needed to stay quiet if your head weren’t in the clouds.

He comes first, his warm cum filling you so much it starts to drip out. He keeps going, though, determined to get his wife to finish around his cock no matter how long it takes.

And it doesn’t take long, because Erwin brings his hand down to where you’re connected and starts rubbing slow, languid circles on your clit.

You gasp, going silent as you clench around him. Erwin slows his thrusts, riding out your high with you until you’re nothing more than a puddle beneath him. Your chest rises and falls with every breath your take, your nipples brushing against his as you gather yourselves.

“Think we can go again?” he quietly jokes, making you chuckle.

Erwin slips out of you, pushing himself off the bed and grabbing you a comfortable nightdress to change into while he grabs a towel to clean you up and a glass of water.

You don’t move for a moment after he leaves, a soft smile on your face as you replay the scene in your head, thinking that maybe you can be the loving family you wanted.

—

You listen to Benjamin’s story intently, laughing when he tells you about his new friend Alexander and something he did. He hasn’t been able to stop talking about him, his eyes wide and excited whenever he so much as mentions Alexander.

The day is warm, the bright sun beating down on everyone outside. You keep the front door open to let fresh air pass through your house, so you notice when Erwin walks in. He takes slow, heavy steps, closing the door behind him and sitting at the dining table.

Benjamin immediately jumps up next to him, greeting Erwin with a smile and sparkling eyes. Erwin smiles back, ruffling Benjamin’s hair. You can tell the smile is forced, though. He doesn’t want to be bothered and you don’t want him to be more overwhelmed than he is, so you step closer and softly place your hand on Benjamin’s back.

“Why don’t you go out, sweetheart?” you say kindly. “ Try and make new friends, yeah?”

Benjamin nods, seemingly excited by the idea and already on his way to the door. He leaves it open behind him, knocking it into the wall with a quick “Sorry!” before he runs off. You shake your head and roll your eyes, deciding to leave it open while you begin brewing tea for Erwin.

He’s silent, his gaze fixated on the hole in the table. You turn to glance at him as you boil the water, the silence so unbearable you have to talk.

“Benjamin made a new friend.” The kettle whistles, so you pour its contents into a tea cup and put a tea bag in it, waiting for it to steep. “It’s the neighbor’s kid—Alexander I think his name is? He introduced me yesterday before he ran off with him. He seems nice, I’m glad Benjamin finally found-”

“Anastasia’s dead.”

You pause, the words you were saying dying on your tongue as you processed Erwin’s words. Your hands fell to the counter, trying to find something to ground yourself.

“What?” Your voice was quiet, small, barely anything more than a squeak.

“She- A titan got her while we were out and-” Erwin paused, clearing his throat. If he said anything else after that you weren’t listening, your mind clouding with images of Anastasia trying her best to escape the titan’s hold. You imagined her kicking and screaming and-

Tears rolled down your cheeks and you choked out a sob. You bent over the counter, gripping your hair from the roots and pulling. Your breath escaped you, and you found it increasingly difficult to gather yourself.

You crumpled to the floor, leaning against the counter. Your tears were so hot, practically burning your cheeks as they fell. Your clothes suddenly felt too tight and you were suffocating. You gave yourself a headache with how hard you pulled on your hair, trying to give yourself something else to cry about but only adding more pain.

So hot and uncomfortable and your heart hurts and you just want everything to stop. Stop stop stop.

You’re not sure how long you were there, just you and Erwin in the dining room mourning. It wasn’t until you heard Benjamin giggling outside the door with his friend that you gathered yourself. You choked on deep breaths as you stood, facing the wall and wiping your eyes.

You slowly exhaled just as Benjamin walked through the door. He spoke loudly with Alexander, speaking nonsense you couldn’t understand until you took another deep breath and listened.

“No, I’m going to join the Scouts and become the best Scout like Dad and then everyone will love me!” Benjamin threw his hands up, causing Alexander to throw his hands up as well. They both cheered loudly as you closed your eyes, trying to stop the flow of more tears.

Something in the air shifted. Your eyes met Erwin’s and a silent agreement was made.

No child of yours was joining the military. You didn’t care how much they hated you, you would not risk the loss of anyone you love.

—

Anastasia’s death is what led to the second rut of your marriage, and something told you this one would be harder to get out of.

Erwin was hardly ever home, and even when he was he was working. He had made the spare room into an office, spending every hour he could looking over maps and writing in journals and doing god knows what.

You couldn’t get his attention. No matter what you did you never got more than a half-assed, “I’m busy,” or “Tell me later.”

You cried and cried and cried, and it got to the point where you weren’t sure if you were mourning the loss of your friend or because you were so painfully lonely.

You and Benjamin slept in the same bed, and every night you held him close in hopes of feeling just a little less lonely. He would stay there even when Erwin was home and the three of you shared a bed.

It was only a downward spiral, a cycle of tears and pain. You had confirmed you were pregnant again once you started showing, and your anxiety steadily grew as the months came and went. You weren’t sure if Erwin would be there when this baby was born, so you did everything in your power to make sure you, at least, would be ready.

You might not have been entirely on your own, but Benjamin was five. You don’t think a five-year-old is the best way to cope.

You would talk to Marie, but at some point she had gone off and eloped with Nile, practically leaving you in the dust. You had no idea where she was or what she was doing.

And God, you would rather be eaten by a titan a hundred times over before you ever even considered contacting your parents. You had barely thought about them since you ran off in the middle of the night. Besides, they likely didn’t even consider you their daughter anymore.

So you were stuck with nowhere to put your grief and no one to talk to. You kept it bottled up until Benjamin was out with his friends. That was when you would break down, screaming and crying in your bedroom.

You’re genuinely surprised when Erwin comes back, strolling into the house in the middle of the night without a care in the world. Benjamin was staying the night with Alexander, which left you completely alone in a cold house.

You only realized it was Erwin when the first place he went was his office. You heard him sigh, dropping papers on his desk. He stayed in there for what seemed like hours before you finally got the gall to walk in. He did nothing more than look over his shoulder, hardly even acknowledging your presence before he continued his work.

You purse your lips, biting your tongue to stop whatever pathetic sound you might have let out.

“Nice to see you,” you say. You try to put venom in it, you try so desperately to convey how hurt you are to him with those four words. But it comes out quiet, voice cracking halfway through.

“I’m busy.” As always. His response to everything you say.

“No you’re not. It’s the middle of the night, Erwin.” You see his hand stop, the grip he held on his pen slightly tightening. “What could you possibly have to do that keeps you so busy at all hours of the day?”

“I just have work, okay, Y/n? You wouldn’t understand.”

Your heart drops. Your eyes slightly widen at the sharpness of his tone. You had heard him use that tone with others before, but you never thought he’d use it with you. And he’d called you by your name.

Your eyes burn, making you wonder if you’ve always been this irrationally sensitive. You move your gaze to the ceiling as you clenched a fist, taking a deep breath.

You’re so done. So done. And you don’t know if it’s because you’re pregnant but you just hurt so bad. Your heart has been broken a million times over and you’re so tired of constantly tearing up and crying but you can’t stop.

You swallow, hoping that’ll ground you and make your voice steady. “You have ten minutes to come to bed or I’m leaving.”

You know you won’t. Erwin knows you won’t. Everyone knows the threat is empty, but you make it anyway. You turn around and walk back to the bedroom, fighting the urge to hit the wall and scream.

You allow yourself exactly four minutes to sob and pull your hair and pace the floor and do whatever you want before pulling yourself together. After those four minutes, you sit straight on the edge of the bed with your eyes closed. You take slow, calculated breaths in, doing the same when you exhale.

You know you just told the biggest, most obvious lie in the world, so it genuinely shocks you when Erwin comes into the bedroom exactly ten minutes after you had told him.

Your eyes follow him as he moves, and you watch as he slips out of his military uniform and into more comfortable clothes. He sits on the opposite side of the bed, and the two of you just stay there, back to back and unmoving. You rub your hands together and sigh, hoping that breaks the uncomfortable silence of the room.

It doesn’t. There is not a single sound in the world.

“If it’s a girl I want to name her Anastasia,” you suddenly say. You hear his sharp intake of breath and feel the bed shift as he leans forward. It’s another moment of silence, and you’re just about to give up and lay down before Erwin talks.

“I like it. We’ll call her Anya.”

You nod. The unbearable silence returns. It seems like forever until you decide to lay down, Erwin following your lead.

Neither of you move closer to the other. You stay on your respective sides of the bed, facing away from each other as sleep overtakes you.

Your bed has never felt colder.

—

He stays longer that time, though most of the two weeks are spent in his office. Benjamin coops himself up with him, always silently playing or drawing on the floor beside his father’s desk.

It gives you no chance to let your emotions out. It feels like you’ve been pregnant forever when in reality it’s only been five months. Benjamin’s birthday comes before you even know what day it is, and you’re forced to quickly string together cornbread with frosting and a present for him.

Benjamin’s sixth birthday was the first one Erwin missed—not counting the day he was born.

You were seething, and later that night when your son had gone to bed you have an argument.

“You’re a real asshole, you know that? Our son fucking adores you. He wants to be just like you when he grows up, but I don’t even think he knows who you are.”

“Of course he knows who I am. He knows enough to be able to look up to me.”

“That is the most bullshit thing I’ve ever heard. He knows the idea of you. He knows the mask you put on in front of him the one day a month you’re home. He’s too young to understand that what you do isn’t okay.”

“The Survey Corps is low on soldiers. It’s not my fault they constantly need people working.”

“Then at least take a break when you’re home. Your work doesn’t always need to come home with you! You need to spend time with your son-”

“You don’t even know what goes on in the Survey Corps so how can you say-”

“You literally only look at maps! That’s all you fucking do, how is that-”

“The formation we have in place now for expeditions is shit, I’m trying to-”

“Do that on your own goddamn time! Do that while you’re away, Erwin. I will not let Benjamin grow up without a father because you are too fucking dense to realize-”

Something breaks, and you immediately pause what you were saying and turn your head.

Benjamin stands there, looking down at the glass he broke with wide eyes. You immediately calm down, taking a deep breath as Benjamin looks up.

“Sorry, I-I didn’t mean to.” You walk over to him, quietly shushing him and petting his hair away from his face.

“It’s okay, my love. Accidents happen.” You softly smile, your expression and voice a sharp contrast to what it was just a moment ago. You kiss the top of his head. “Are you okay? You didn’t get hurt?”

He shakes his head, slightly leaning into you. “Mommy, why were you and Daddy yelling at each other?”

You exhale a breath through your nose. You hoped that argument would have been quietly dealt with. “Sometimes Mommy and Daddy just need to yell to feel better. Everyone does.” You leave another kiss on his head, letting go of him to start picking up the broken glass.

“I’ve got that,” Erwin said. He took two steps before kneeling down, carefully collecting the shards in his hand. You watch as Benjamin steps around the glass, kissing Erwin on the cheek.

“You and Mommy shouldn’t fight because it’s bad.” You watch Erwin’s lips curve up, and he turns his head. He pulls Benjamin closer with the hand not holding glass, kissing the side of his head.

“We won’t fight anymore.”

You smile as they continue talking, carefully standing up. You stretch, taking Benjamin by the hand and walking with him to your bedroom. You tuck him into bed, laying beside him and entwining your hands with his.

“Mommy, I’m sorry about breaking the glass,” he says.

Your eyebrows furrowed together, and you push his hair out of his face. “Why? It was an accident, so it’s alright.”

“But I did it on purpose.”

You prop yourself up on your arm, looking down at Benjamin. He plays with a fraying string on his pajamas, avoiding eye contact. “Why’d you break it on purpose?”

“You and Daddy were getting loud and saying mean words. And I don’t wanna see you guys yelling.”

Your face softens as you lay back down, wrapping an arm around Benjamin and pulling him close. “Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. Sometimes we just get mad at each other.”

Benjamin nods, cuddling into your side. “Were you angry because of me?”

Your face falls, and you quickly try to reassure your son. “No, no, no, darling. Of course not. We weren’t mad because of you. We will never be mad because of you, okay?”

You kiss his head as he nods again. He wraps his arms around you, hiding his face in your chest. “Okay.”

You run your hand through his hair, smoothing down the brown locks until you hear his breathing even out. You let out a sigh as you listen to his breaths, looking up when you hear Erwin’s soft footsteps. You watch him run a hand through his hair and look away when he turns to face you.

He lays down, letting out a heavy breath as he stares at the ceiling.

“He thinks we were mad because of him,” you softly say, whispering so you don’t wake your sleeping son.

Erwin turns his head, his thick eyebrows pulled together. “Did you tell him it wasn’t because of him?”

You nod. Benjamin stays sound asleep in your arms as a moment of silence passes.

“The formation we had on the expedition Anastasia died in wasn’t working.” You glance up, moving your gaze from your sleeping son to your husband’s side profile. “It was vulnerable, and it put certain people in really bad spots. Anastasia ended up in one of those places, and . . .” He trails off, making a vague motion with his hand. “I’m trying to come up with something else to use because it’s always the same spots that get targeted. I’m hoping that with a different formation and way of communicating everyone will be safer.”

You softly hum. You almost hate yourself in the silence that follows because his reasons are so valid.

But then you remember the pain—the heartbreak and longing to just be with him—and decide you can’t just wave it off with that simple explanation because you’ve spent too many tears on this.

You don’t respond, letting the heavy silence of the room speak for you.

The bed shifts, squeaking as Erwin readjusts and wraps his arm around both you and Benjamin. You can feel the hard planes of his torso against your arm, warm and inviting.

This, you think, is the closest this family will ever be.

—

When you woke up that next morning, Erwin had already left.

You were fine with that. Whatever. It was less silent arguments you had to worry about. You could go back to bottling your emotions until you were alone.

He came back every so often over the course of the next four months. He would come back for two or three days before leaving for weeks again and repeat that in a never ending cycle you were beginning to grow tired of.

You weren’t sure if he had planned it or if it was just dumb luck, but he was there on December 29 when your second child was born—a precious baby girl with big blue eyes.

You named her Anastasia just like you said you would. You had no hope that she would keep Erwin home this time, but it’s a breath of fresh air when you wake up early from her crying and Erwin is there, coddling his child and coaxing her back to sleep.

What surprised you even more was that he stayed for four weeks after that, not even leaving before he had breakfast with his family and kissed each of your heads. His lips pressed against your temple the longest, leaving a lingering kiss that you could feel even hours after he had gone.

That kiss sent you for a ride because he had kissed you. He’d given you attention, something you had longed that he give you for months and he finally had!

You kept a giddy smile on your face all day, but then you remembered that he was gone once again and probably would be for months.

More tears streamed down your cheeks daily, and Jesus Christ you just wanted to stop hurting. Erwin never sent any letters or warning and that often left you wondering if he had died on an expedition. Every time that thought crossed your mind you were sent into a spiral, and you weren’t sure if it was even the thought of losing the man you loved that made you so sad.

You didn’t know if it was that or the fact that you would truly be lost without him—because you wouldn’t know who to be if he wasn’t alive. You had spent so much time crying over him that you didn’t even know what else you were capable of. So much energy had been wasted mourning who even knows what and nothing had come out of it.

One week in February—one so cold everyone slept huddled together with a fire burning at all times—you dug up the old letters Erwin had written you.

It was early in the morning. Benjamin and Anya were still sleeping, so you moved quietly and made as little noise as you could. You took the box out from under your bed and sat by the fire, reading every word in the light it provided.

You don’t know how many times you read each one, but the more you read them the less they seemed like extravagant letters pieced together carefully to make you fall in love. They lost their luster and everything that made them surreal. Now they were just pretty words without any real meaning behind them.

Tears burn in your eyes because he promised so many things. He’d promised a happy family and to wholly belong to you only to give you nothing. He’d manipulated his words to make you fall for him and god you were so stupid for doing that.

Did he ever really like you? Maybe he had just given you attention and you misinterpreted it for love.

Whatever the answer might be, there was nothing you could do now. Your main source of income was the check you received because of your husband, and your original plan of starting some sort of business had gone down the drain once Benjamin had become older.

Even if you did want to leave, nothing good would come of it. You had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. And where would that put your kids?

You read over the letters once more. Your lips pressed together and it just makes you so mad because why would he do this? How could he just leave you on your own like this? Sure, he provided for the family but how could he ever spend more time with sheets of paper than his wife?

The first letter Erwin wrote gets slightly crumpled from how tight you grip it. You look back down at it, you gaze flickering to the fire before you do something you can’t undo.

You tear the paper up, every single word memorized, and toss it into the fire.

And God it felt good. A nice little ‘fuck you’ Erwin would never know about. But you knew about it, and just that much made you feel like you could do anything.

So you took another letter and tore it, slowly feeding the pieces to the fire. And you kept doing that, over and over, the feeling of self-satisfaction bringing a smile to your face.

“Mom? What are you burning?”

You turn your head. Benjamin was propped up on his arm, squinting in your direction as his eyes adjusted to the light.

“Nothing, my love,” you said, tearing the final letter and tossing it in the fire. “Just old mail. Nothing important.”

You stood up, wiping your hands against your nightgown. you made your way to the kitchen, looking through the cupboards for whatever you could find to make breakfast.

Benjamin’s eyes followed you, eventually returning to the fire in front of him. He looked at the burning pieces of paper, wondering what they really were before he stood up, going to get dressed.

As you served plates for both you and Benjamin, you looked up at the cackling fire. And as you thought about the way you felt when you opened that first letter, you regretted what you had done just a little bit.

But you were tired of hurting. You were tired of crying all the time, and you were tired of wasting energy on something that won’t happen.

You promise yourself right then that you’re done wasting tears on Erwin. You’re done exhausting yourself just to get a tiny amount of attention from him.

And you do so good. You raise your kids well and any tears you shed aren’t sad or because of your husband. You get back into touch with Marie and find out she’s had a daughter and is pregnant again. You force yourself to seem fine around Erwin and you become so good at acting okay that you begin believing it yourself.

Until four years later, when Benjamin is 11 and comes home one day announcing that he leaves for the training corps in a week.

—

You were livid. More than you’ve ever been.

Benjamin had enlisted with the help of Erwin, managing to keep the entire thing secret from you until one of the last possible moments.

This was supposed to be a phase he grew out of—a quick thing he was hyper fixated on for a few days before he moved onto the next thing and never thought about it again.

You thought he’d gotten over it when he was five because you hadn’t heard a single thing about it over the years. He was always clinging to Erwin when he was home, but you just assumed it was because he wanted his father’s attention. You never would have imagined that they filled the paperwork out together, preparing your son for the military without so much as asking your opinion.

Erwin wasn’t home for three days after your son had announced it, and during those three days your anger only grew and you felt so tired of feeling this way.

"You can't just do this without talking to me! He's my son and-"

"He's my son, too, Y/n. You aren't the only one that needs to know what he's doing with his life."

"But I should still know! This is still something that-"

"Mom, you've known that this is something I've been wanting to do."

"You haven't said anything about joining the military since you were four, Benjamin. And then suddenly you just walk in announcing that you’re leaving-"

“He’s allowed to be his own person.”

“Obviously, but it’d be nice if-”

“You never would have heard me out or let me anyway-”

“Will you two shut up and let me talk?” you snap. They both immediately stop talking, Benjamin’s mouth slightly dropped in shock. You wait a second, making sure neither of them had anything else to say before you turned to Benjamin and continued speaking. “Go watch your sister outside.”

“But-”

“I said”—your tone hardens, voice raising—“go watch your sister. I’ll talk to you in a minute.”

Benjamin huffs, rolling his eyes before leaving the room and muttering something under his breath. You would have gotten onto him for it if you weren’t so focused on the man in front of you.

“Erwin, you can’t do this shit without telling me,” you say firmly. You pin him with your gaze, sitting at the dining table with him. “He’s my son and I think I deserve to know when he volunteers himself to go on a fucking suicide mission.”

“He won’t die out there, Y/n. He’ll get the proper training and learn the proper precautions to deal with everything.”

“Every soldier gets trained and learns how to deal with titans, but how many are still alive?”

You furrow your eyebrows in mock confusion. Erwin gets stunned into silence, mouth opening and closing like a fish as he thinks of a retort.

“Anastasia was properly trained and she still died. Benjamin is going to die out there and you think it’s okay to fill out the paperwork with him without even telling me? In what world is that okay?”

“This is something Benjamin’s wanted for years. He never brought it up to you after Anastasia died because he didn’t think you’d like it.”

“Of course I wouldn’t have! But you know what I still would have done? I would have sat down, and had a talk with him to see if this was something he actually wanted to do and I would have supported him anyways because I love him.”

“Then why can’t you show that same support now, Y/n? You say you would have heard him out but you’re so pissed after finding out he enlisted.”

“Because I didn’t know about it!” Your voice cracks, and suddenly your eyes are burning and your composure breaks and now you’re crying. “You never tell me shit, Erwin. I never get so much as a letter from you to know that you’re okay and I’m left wondering for months when your commander is going to come knocking on my door to tell me you’re dead. And the worst part is I’m only relieved to see you before I start hating you again because you never take any of us into consideration. Benjamin and Anya do so much just to get you to notice them and you barely even give them a pat on the back. But when Benjamin wants to risk his life just to please you? Why is that what makes you start paying attention to him?”

You hadn’t even realized half of what you were saying. You thought you had taught yourself to be fine when Erwin never sent a sign saying he was alive. You thought you learned how to stay in the middle ground—not in love with him like you were before but not constantly detesting him.

Then again, if you were in the middle ground then surely it wouldn’t hurt this bad, right?

The room is silent, the only sound being your heavy pants as you struggle to catch your breath and composure. You look away from Erwin because God this is embarrassing. Even more since he’s just looking at you, his expression unreadable to you as you turn your head and wipe your cheeks.

You sniff, taking a deep breath. You close your eyes and bite the inside of your cheek in an attempt to stop the flow of tears. Finally, after you taste the faint tang of iron in your mouth, you open your eyes and face Erwin again.

He’s always been so handsome. With his high cheekbones and full lips and bushy eyebrows and gorgeous eyes. He had only grown into his features as the years passed, and you always found yourself wondering how he never looked worn out.

It always made you swoon, how handsome he was. Pretty privilege must exist because looking back there is no valid reason you forgave him for everything he did.

“I swear to God, Erwin, if anything happens to him-”

“Y/n, I promise. Nothing is going to happen. We all look out for each other. He will be fine.”

You sighed, closing your eyes as you nodded. You brought a hand up to your face, massaging your temple as you close your eyes. You’re so tired, and you don’t want to deal with this so you just nod.

“Alright. It’s fine. Just . . . Tell me things like this, okay?”

You hate how small your voice sounded, how easily you surrendered, but you wanted nothing more than just a day to rest. You’re so done and tired of everything that happens.

Erwin nods, but you know somewhere deep down that he likely won’t hold up on that promise. You’re scared that by agreeing to this you’ll start mourning someone that hasn’t even died, but you agree anyway.

And maybe, just maybe, you should have put more effort into that argument.

—

Benjamin stood, right fist over his heart with his left behind his back. He stared forward as the instructor gave his welcoming speech, a faint smile on his face.

He was finally here—finally he would be given the chance to impress his dad. He would rise through the ranks and graduate top of his class just like Erwin did. Nothing would stop him. In three years he would check the little box that officially made him a Scout.

That is what he hoped. But after a couple weeks of the same intense training and going to bed on the thin mattress drained beyond belief made him think maybe he didn’t want that.

But he was already here. He had something to prove to his dad and maybe, just maybe, Erwin would pay more attention to him.

So he tried his best. Benjamin spent any spare time he had running laps to build his endurance. Occasionally, he would spar with one of the other cadets. Nine times out of ten he lost, but the very few times he triumphed gave him this burst of motivation that made him feel like this was his destiny.

It seems like the three years he spent in the training corps came and went, and when the time to take the final assessment rolled around he felt unprepared.

He had fumbled—so bad he just barely hooked onto the tree he was aiming for with his ODM gear and nearly fell to the ground. The cut he made on every mock titan was too shallow, and each one felt like a cut to his own heart because he just knew he would not graduate top of his class. Not even close.

Results took months to get back to the cadets, which Benjamin didn’t understand because don’t his superiors grade it as he tests? Surely there’s a better way to decide rankings.

But it didn't matter. He was back home, watching his nine-year-old sister play with her friends Jean and Marco as the anxiety slowly ate away at him. He was always biting his nails, staring off into space until you lightly slapped his hand away from his lips and told him not to.

Those months where he waited for his results were the cruelest he had ever experienced. He had no clue what to do with himself, going on long walks until he was called back. And even then they didn’t give the results right away.

It was starting to get dark outside, a cold nip coming in the air. Benjamin walked into the dimly lit dining hall, his posture uncharacteristically bad.

“Oi, Smith.”

Benjamin turned, immediately straightening and searching for whoever had called his name. His gaze landed on an unusually short man with dark hair sitting alone at a table. Benjamin took slow steps and they met in the middle of the hallway.

“You’re Erwin Smith’s son, right?”

Benjamin thought the way he had to look down at the older man was a bit ridiculous. He wasn’t sure how seriously he could take this.

But he keeps a straight face and responds with the proper authority, curtly nodding and saying, “Yes, sir.”

He waits as the man in front of him takes him in, physically moving his head to look Benjamin up and down. “Erwin’s requesting your presence.”

So he sent . . . a cadet? Shouldn’t this guy already be an active member in the military?

Benjamin gives another curt nod. “Where is he?”

“In his office. He asked me to escort you.”

Benjamin nods, following the shorter man when he turns and begins walking in the opposite direction. Their steps are the only sounds that echo in the hallway, creating an uncomfortable silence around them.

“Who are you, again? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you,” Benjamin says, trying to create a running conversation that breaks the silence.

“Levi.”

He kept his response short and curt, and the way he’d said his name made it seem like he intended to end the conversation there.

The name rung a bell in Benjamin’s head, but he couldn’t quite place where he might know it from. It’s another minute of silence as Benjamin rolls the name around in his head before he finally recognizes the name.

“Wait, are you the guy that tried to kill my dad?”

Levi is silent for a moment, acting as if he hadn’t heard the question and instead redirecting the conversation. “How close are you with him?”

“Me and my dad? I mean, I guess we’re pretty close. We talk and stuff.” Benjamin shrugged, slightly relaxing his posture. “We don’t spend a lot of time together since he’s busy a lot of the time, but based on when we do, yeah, I’d say we’re pretty close.”

Levi doesn’t speak as he takes in the information. Truthfully, he hadn’t even known his superior had a child until just today. Erwin and his son must not have been as close as Benjamin believed if that was the case.

But that did make Levi curious about Erwin’s wife.

“What about your parents? They close?”

Benjamin nods. “Yeah. My mom writes Dad letters all the time.”

“You mean the ones he keeps in a box?”

Benjamin almost falters, his heart practically skipping a beat at Levi’s words.

That reaction alone tells Levi everything he needs to know, and the two of them continue walking in silence.

Levi left once they reached the door to Erwin’s office. Benjamin stood in front of it, unmoving as he thought about what Levi had said. Did Erwin really leave your letters in a box?

He finally opens the door. He’s not sure what it is, but immediately his gaze lands on a box set on the bookshelf behind Erwin, a scribble written across it spelling out what Benjamin hopes isn’t your name.

Benjamin sits in the chair across from Erwin’s desk, waiting for him to finish signing paperwork. He puts his pen down, crossing his arms against his desk and leaning forward.

Benjamin isn’t even sure what all his father had called him to talk about. He can only nod along and force all his focus on not letting his eyes drift to the box of unopened letters.

What he’d gathered after he leaves Erwin’s office and looks down at the paper in his hands is that his final test results weren’t what he was hoping for. There was no option to join the Military Police, so he definitely wasn’t in the top ten. And after a self evaluation joining the Scout Regiment seemed out of reach, too . . .

Later that night, when Benjamin is the only one awake in the cadets quarters, he reads over the paper in the dim moonlight. He bites the inside of his cheek as he thinks, picking up a pencil and tapping the tip against his lip.

His pencil hovers over the box, ready to put an X in the one labeled Scouts, but something makes him hesitate. He isn’t the best with ODM gear. His physical prowess definitely isn’t as good as he’d like it to be, and his agility and dexterity could get him killed with how slow he is.He decides he values his life more than his father’s approval, and that is why he moves his pencil down and checks the box labeled Garrison.

Part two y'all, hope you enjoyed <3

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chaoticsimp · 1 year

Text

My Commander

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18+ | MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

Relationship: Erwin x Fem!Reader

Content Warnings: NSFW/18+, established relationship, mentions of alcohol (Reader isn't drunk, but has consumed alcohol), oral (female receiving), fingering, over-stim, dirty talk, praise, a little begging, unprotected sex, desk sex, creampie, some tears, squirting, dom/sub dynamic, authority kink (Use of Sir/Commander/Captain), age difference (Reader is in her 20s and I think Erwin is in his 30s?), experience difference? (Not Reader's first time, but first time with Erwin), fluff at the end.

A/N: Starts a little hot (heavy making out), but as always smut is under the cut.

I have missed Erwin, and we can dedicate why I started writing on Tumblr to him lol

Summary: You wanted him, all of him, but after a year together with nothing but sweet kisses, you started to question if he felt the same about you? Little did you know, he wanted you more than he had ever wanted anything.

Word Count: 3430

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It wasn’t your first date. It wasn’t even your second or fifth. You and Erwin had been together for a year, yet he was still pulling away when things got a little hot. It was beginning to frustrate you, what if he wasn’t interested in you that way? What if the experience levels were too different? Could he tell you couldn’t satisfy him from just a kiss? Were you a bad kisser? This outpouring of questions over drinks to Hange had them pushing you to bring it up to Erwin.

“Enter,” His deep voice summoned from behind the door. Your anxiety bubbled in your stomach, and you briefly wished you had taken another shot before coming. You pushed open the door, closing it behind you and a smile came to Erwin’s face when he looked up from his work.

“I know I’m late,” He apologized, rising from his desk. “I wanted to finish these reports before the end of the day, but it would seem my days never end.”

You nodded slightly, swallowing hard as you tried to find your nerve. Erwin noticed your hesitation and he stepped closer to you, his brilliant blue eyes filled with concern as he lifted a hand to your cheek.

“Is everything alright?” Instead of replying, you caught his collar and pulled him to your height pressing your lips to his. Erwin was caught off guard and had trouble getting any more words out as you jumped and wrapped your legs around his waist. His hands found your thighs, and he boosted you a little higher giving you a better angle to kiss his jaw and neck. Erwin’s mind was spinning, each kiss left fire on his skin, and a gentle nip at the bend in his neck made his breath hitch.

“Wait, wait,” He breathed. Erwin caught your hands, stopping them at his shirt buttons as he balanced you between him and the door. He met your stunning eyes, and you let out a heavy breath, a small smile on your lips.

“You don’t like it?” You asked. How could he say no? You’d know he was lying. Yet he saw the waver in your eyes, a moment of doubt as the flush on your face grew.

“Sorry, I-I don’t know what I was-” Erwin caught your thigh when you tried to step down. He claimed your lips again and pressed you tighter against the door enjoying how perfectly your body fit against his. He had thought of this before, thoughts he only indulged in late at night alone in his room, but this was something else. This was hunger finally satiated. No matter how much he told himself to slow down, each gasp and whimper that left those lips he so craved made that voice quieter, and quieter.

“E-Erwin,” You stammered, trying to focus on your words as his lips trailed down your jaw. “I thought you wanted to stop.”

“All I want is you.” His confession sent chills down your spine, and just as you were about to respond there was a knock on his door. Erwin covered your mouth as he continued to kiss down your neck and towards your chest. He managed to undo your top buttons with his teeth. He felt your breath against his hand, a soundless whimper as the knock came a second time making fear swirl with the growing heat in your stomach. You briefly considered biting his hand to get him to stop, but you didn’t want him to even as the knock came a third time.

“Commander Smith, Premier Zachary wanted those reports in tonight.” It was Miche. Erwin had managed to undo all your buttons, and he dropped his hand from your mouth to pull open your top.

“Commander Smith?”

“Just a moment,” He finally replied. He quietly let you down, and you noticed the hard outline in his pants as he walked back to his desk. He picked up a stack of papers then returned to the door. He put a finger to his lips, and you tensed when he opened the door.

“Here you are.” Erwin kept the door closed enough to hide you and his body angled to hide the stiffness in his pants.

“Are you coming to the bar?”

“Not tonight,” Erwin replied, and he noticed the amused smile on Miche’s face.

“Have a goodnight then, Commander, and please tell the Captain the same.” Your face burned red as Erwin closed and locked the door. He chuckled when you hid your face in your hands.

“He could definitely smell me.” Being forward in a private setting was one thing, but having someone else know made you want to disappear.

“Miche knows how to keep a secret,” Erwin assured you as he pulled you back in. Your mouth slanted to his, and any thought of Miche disappeared as Erwin’s tongue prodded at your lips.

Erwin recognized the bitter taste of alcohol, which he knew might be fueling your desires, and he was prepared to stop at any moment. You made quick work of his buttons, and he shed his shirt prompting you to do the same. The feeling of your skin against his made his heart race – he couldn’t believe he finally had you in his hands, so eager for him and what he could give you.

“I didn’t think you wanted me this way,” You admitted shyly, pausing to catch your breath as Erwin’s hands ran down your back.

“My dear, I want you in every way.”

“But you never-”

“I didn’t want to pressure you. If I had known this is what you wanted, I’d have happily obliged,” He assured you. Erwin’s hands moved lower, reaching under your thighs and lifting you back up between him and the door.

“I want to know every part of you, every sound, every move, how you taste, what you like. I want to worship you. I only wanted to be sure you wanted the same, but we can stop if you’re not ready.” You knew he was sincere, no matter how much he wanted you and how openly he confessed his desires. If you said you were done, he would be too. There were zero expectations, and zero pressure which only encouraged you.

“I want you.”

Your confidence was all Erwin needed to continue. He boosted you a little higher, his fingers dug into your thighs as he dropped his mouth to one of your breasts. Your breath hitched as he sucked a nipple into his mouth, and your head fell back against the door. He released one of your thighs which you kept hooked around his waist as his other hand worked on unzipping your pants. He switched to your other breast, and you gasped when his teeth grazed your nipple.

“Erwin,” You whined, wanting more.

“Sir,” He muttered against your skin, and your face burned a little brighter.

“And I believe I’ve advised you on patience before my little Captain.” He continued to suck and nip at your breasts. You felt his palm press against your clothed cunt, and briefly met his gaze when he looked up.

“Are you prepared to follow my every command?” He whispered, and you nodded quickly.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Y-Yes, sir.” He smiled against your skin, his mouth leaving your breast and his hand returning to your thigh as he carried you. Erwin gently lowered you onto his desk. He pulled off your boots, then your pants taking your panties with them. Your skin dimpled at the rush of cool air, and your heart sped up as he lifted your legs, spreading you out before him.

“I’ve dreamt of you bent over my desk,” He mused. “Not even my dreams could compare to this.”

Erwin’s words continued to push away any doubt you may have had when you walked in. He knelt, hooking your legs over his shoulders and you could feel his breath against your thighs. Your stomach twisted in anticipation as he kissed down your inner thighs, purposely avoiding the place you wanted him to hit.

“You’re already so wet for me,” He muttered against your skin. “Are you really so desperate for my touch?”

“Yes, yes. It’s all I want, please,” You panted, nodding as he kissed closer to your core.

“Please?”

“S-Sir,” You stammered.

“I suppose I could have a taste.” You gasped as he dipped his tongue between your folds, his grip on your thighs tightening as if to tell himself to slow down – to savour you. His tongue circled your clit, and your body jolted in response as he repeated the motion. He glanced up at you, your hands held your breasts one pinching your nipple as your mouth hung slightly open. He sucked on your bundle of nerves, and your mouth opened a little wider in response causing him to pause. You whined as you lifted your head, looking down at him – at his perfect face between your thighs.

“You’ve never looked better,” You breathed, and a smile pulled at Erwin’s lips as he held your gaze.

“I would live between your thighs if I could,” He confessed. “But you’re holding back.”

“What if, if someone hears or Miche comes back?” Your breath stuttered as he dragged his pointer finger down your slit, and gently prodded at your entrance. You stared down at him as he lifted his hand, and licked your slick from his finger. That heat in your stomach grew when he smirked a little.

“Then they’ll hear you serving your Commander,” He teased, and it made your face redden. “But if that is such a concern, then try and hold back all you wish.”

Before you could say anything, Erwin’s mouth dropped back to your cunt, this time with a new hunger. You bit your lip hard as Erwin devoured you, expertly hitting every spot that made you squirm. He released one of your thighs, and you nearly bit through your lip as he pressed a finger into you. Your thighs tightened around his head, and you wondered how much longer you could hold out.

“Fuck,” You whispered, still trying to keep quiet. The papers on Erwin’s desk crinkled as you tried to find something to grip, something to ground you from the immense ecstasy that was Erwin’s tongue. Erwin added a second finger, seeking that soft spot that was sure to break you as one of your hands found the back of his head. He felt your grip tighten, and knew he found it the moment a moan finally escaped your lips.

“E-Erwin, please slow down,” You whined, but your request fell on deaf ears as he hit that spot again, and again, and again. His relentless pace had you barreling towards an orgasm, your back arched against his desk and you couldn’t get the words out as it crashed over you. The noise that left your lips was music to Erwin’s ears, and he pulled his mouth from your clit but kept his fingers moving as he looked up at you.

“I-I’ve never, I’ve-I’ve,” You had to pause, and noticed the pride that shone in Erwin’s eyes as he looked down at you, waiting for you to catch your breath.

“I’ve never cum that fast.”

“I know a thing or two,” He replied, pulling you back when your hips wiggled away.

“I-I just need a minute to...” But Erwin was already kissing down your thighs.

“How many can you give me?” He whispered, and you quickly realized what he was asking. It shouldn’t have surprised you. This was the man whose ambition and determination made him the best Commander the Scouts had ever had. His relentless will is who he was and of course, that would extend to the private parts of his life.

“Captain, I asked you a question,” Erwin reminded, pressing a kiss so close to your clit it made you shiver in delight. If you were being honest with yourself, you weren’t sure, but the thought of him lost between your thighs for a while longer had that warmth in your stomach reigniting.

“However many you want, My Commander.” The use of his title ignited something in his eyes. It was a name Erwin was used to hearing, but coming from you? Perfect little you, splayed out on his desk like a lavish meal – he would never be able to hear it the same way again.

“That’s my good girl.”

-------------------------------------------------------

When you said however many times you want, you were being bold. You were trying to play the game as well as he did, and part of you didn’t believe Erwin had the stamina to keep up with such an indulgent response. Yet here you were, still splayed across his desk. Your thighs trembling, your cunt dripping, and your throat sore as he pulled orgasm after orgasm out of you, and he hadn’t even fucked you.

“Just one more,” He requested, and you looked down at him. You could already see the bruises left behind by his fingerprints, small gifts left on your thighs and hips that would remind you of this moment long after it was over.

Erwin wiped his chin as he finally stood. His thumb replaced his lips against your swollen clit and your body shook in response, much to his pleasure as he eyed the mess you had made on his desk.

“I-I don’t think I can,” You confessed as he pulled you to a sitting position. He dropped his mouth to yours, pressing his tongue past your lips. Your mind was a haze, a haze of him, of his hands on your skin and your taste on his tongue. A string of saliva connected the two of you when he pulled back, he swiped it away with his thumb and pet your bottom lip as he held your gaze.

“You can,” He encouraged. “Or will you disappoint your Commander?”

“Of course not,” You objected.

“Good girl.” You trusted your weight in Erwin’s hands as he effortlessly turned you around. He pushed you back down on the desk, your cheek pressed against the crumpled papers and his hands briefly left you. You heard the undoing of his belt and realized you were the only one completely naked. How long had it been since you came into his office?

“Are you sure you still want more?” You nodded tiredly.

“I can take it,” You breathed, and Erwin chuckled. You felt him press a kiss to the back of your shoulder, and his breath sent chills down your spine.

“I know you can but tell me if anything hurts.” Erwin lifted one of your legs onto his desk before dragging his length between your folds. The anticipation returned, bringing with it a spike of energy you didn’t know you still had as he coated himself in your juices. Then you finally felt him, felt his hard, thick cock press against your entrance. His groan distracted you as he pushed past that first ring of muscle. Nothing could compare to the beautiful sound of his deep moans and his whispers of 'so good' and 'so tight' as he slowly sunk into you.

“You take me so well” Erwin mumbled once he was fully sheathed inside you. The stretch was a pleasurable sting. Your walls fluttered around his length, clenching as they molded against his cock, and he took a moment to enjoy your warmth and how perfectly he fit inside you.

“You were made for me.” Erwin’s compliments made your heart flutter, they made you want to please him and give him everything you could. So, when you felt ready and adjusted to his size you pressed on.

“M-More.” Erwin was impressed, he thought he had reached the limits of your stamina but here you were, trembling from the pleasure and exertion still asking for more. He regretted waiting so long. If he knew this is how badly you wanted him, needed him, he’d have given it all to you a year ago.

“I’ll give you everything,” He promised. You gripped the edge of the desk as Erwin pulled out, then pushed back in, his veins dragging along your velvety walls. His hands dug into the meat of your hips as his pace picked up enough to make the desk shake. You were lost in him, in his soft grunts, in how his hands held you in place, in his deep, commanding voice that made you want to bend to his will. You didn’t know if you’d ever get enough of him or how good he made you feel.

Erwin lifted your other leg onto his desk, and the new angle allowed his cock to graze your soft spot with every ruthless thrust. You felt tears spilling down your cheek as Erwin looped a hand beneath you, his fingers finding your over-sensitized clit. You were on the line between pain and pleasure, and an unfamiliar pressure between your legs had your mind spinning.

“I-I can’t,” You cried. “It’s too much, I-I-”

“You can,” He interrupted gently. “Just let go.”

Erwin’s pace didn’t slow. Your vision blurred at the edges as he drew tighter circles on your clit. Your body shuddered, and your nails dug into the wood of his desk. That pressure kept building, and only Erwin seemed to know where it was heading. You were dancing on the line, but you were still missing something.

“I-I just need a little more,” You pleaded, and Erwin found himself wondering what more could you possibly need.

“Tell me,” He demanded, slowing enough to give you a chance to speak. You managed to look back at him over your shoulder, his eyes dark with lust as he stared down at you.

“Cum,” You panted. “Cum inside me, please a-and don’t stop.”

Erwin didn’t need the please, the request was enough for him to return to his ruthless pace but your sweet 'please' and 'don’t stop' were the cherry on top. You were so perfect, so beautiful bent over his desk just like he had imagined. No, not even his imagination couldn’t compare to the sight of his cock plunging in and out of you. You really were made for him. Erwin’s hips stuttered, his thrusts slowing as a low moan escaped his lips and his cum poured inside of you.

“Is this what you wanted?” He whispered, thrusting into you slowly and deeply. “To be filled by your Commander, to be mine and mine alone?”

“Yes, yes, yes…” You cried.

“Then be my good little Captain and give me what you promised.” You were right there, right on the edge as he fucked his cum into you, but his words were the last thing you needed to let it all go. That pressure exploded, and you felt a gush between your legs, coating your thighs and Erwin’s in your pleasure. You screamed till your voice went silent, your back arching painfully as your nails dug into the desk.

“That’s it, that’s a good girl. Let it all out,” Erwin cooed. You barely heard him above the pleasure, your body collapsed on his desk, and your vision briefly darkened. Erwin pulled out of you, watching his cum mix with your juices as they dripped down your thighs. It was truly a beautiful sight to behold. He called your name, and when you didn’t respond he carefully lifted you off his desk.

“Come back,” He spoke gently, holding your trembling body against his as he took a seat in the office chair behind him.

“I’m right here, I’ve got you,” He whispered against your skin. It took you a moment, your lids felt heavy as you opened them and you smiled when you saw Erwin’s concerned face.

“Are you alright, my dear?”

“Was that good?” You asked, answering his question with your own and Erwin almost laughed.

“That was everything I wanted and more. You are incredible.” Your smile grew a little as Erwin lifted you into his arms, and your head fell against his shoulder.

“I love you,” You mumbled. “My Commander.”

“You’re going to have to stop calling me that.” You managed a small laugh.

“Does my voice have such an effect on you?”

“Everything about you has an effect on me,” He replied. “And after tonight I won’t be able to think of my title in any other way.”

“Good,” You replied, staring up at him with so much love in your eyes Erwin thought he would melt. He noticed you fighting sleep and pressed a gentle kiss against your forehead.

“Rest, I’ll take care of everything else.”

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