#esp cause today is the first time my best friend and i are gonna hang on vc even though we've been friends for like 7 years

[forbiddennhoney]

i hope all my friends who i don't talk to as much as i wish i did know they're constantly in my thoughts

[valeffelees]

Oh do tell about that snowbaz au of yours 👀

I WOULD FUCKING LOVE TO, thank you so much tumblr user pidgelikethebird (and also my most beloved and loyal companion @drowninginships) for providing me the enrichment i need to survive the winter.

ok gimme a min here to turn my thoughts into comprehensible words. i'm gonna say right now: this post is gonna be a LONG one, but 10 out of 10 scientists agree you should read to the end.

so, if you didn't know, The Beauty Inside is a Korean romcom from 2015, based off an American short film of the same name; the orig short film i linked is an extremely quick watch (only 6 episodes, each one 4-10 minutes long) and i would absolutely recommend it, but the very basics of the premise is that: a man wakes up in his bed on his 18th birthday to find he's in a completely different body than his own, and every day since then, he wakes up as somebody new.

AND OBVS I JUST HAD TO FUCKING SNOWBAZ THAT, which is how my AU, titled In the Many Ways of Loving You, was born:

Simon Snow wakes up every day as somebody new; the only person who knows the truth is Penny, his best friend and roommate, since she's been by his side since it all began ten years ago.

he works on commission as a custom bookbinder—like, he has an Etsy or some shit, i dunno, some kinda online shop where people can commission him in a variety of ways to rebind their favourite books, either by paying extra for Simon to buy the book himself and rebind it from new and send it to them, or sometimes collectors will send their personal copies to him to have him rebind them, and he's very good at it, and N E WAY the point of this is that he has a small bookshop he's been going to regularly for the last eight or so years, because it's close to his and Penny's flat, and where the story begins: Baz is a new employee that just started working there about two weeks ago and Simon has a massive crush on him.

ok, now. day one: when we meet Simon for the first time, he wakes up and he's lovely and blonde and brown-eyed and ok, yeah, i've just made him look like Agatha bc i thought it'd be kinda funny, esp since Agatha's not actually in the fic otherwise.

and Simon has to pick up a copy of some random book from the bookshop today bc someone bought a custom binding of it, so he goes down and, as usual, since it's his job, Baz has to come over to talk to him and is like, "hey, can I help you with anything?" and Simon doesn't need any help bc he's been coming to this shop for years, but every time Baz asks he says yes bc he wants the excuse to talk to him, and on this day Simon is like, wait. i'm so hot rn. so he asks Baz out—

and Baz is like [finger guns] absolutely not.

and Simon is like 👁️👄👁️ welp i'm in fucking agony.

but whatever, fine. a guy like Baz is prolly already in a proper relationship, and it's always a bad idea for Simon to get involved with someone he has to see on the reg. he had to start going to a different coffee shop that's twenty minutes out of his way bc he went out on a great date with one of the baristas at his old spot and then obvs couldn't go out again after just that one time, and it made him super emo, so really, Baz saying no was prolly for the best.

TIMESKIP, it's been a few days and Simon has to go down to the bookshop again. but this time he's a bloke. and so Baz comes up to ask if Simon needs help and he says yeah, as usual, and the two of them end up having a bantery convo about the book Simon's looking for bc they've both read it and Baz hated it, but Simon loved it, and it's just very cute and casual, and then Baz is like. so, my shift ends in liiike... four hours. are you doing anything?

and Simon is like. OH. OH!!!

that whole "it's prolly for the best" thing? yeah, fuck that, that was Simon of the past, he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about bc cute bookshop guy wants to hang out and so they go out and have the most fucking insane romcom date ever.

'cause you gotta remember, Simon only gets one real day with people, so he doesn't do like casual coffee dates or movies or whatever. they go out and like fucking B&E a museum after hours bc Simon knows someone like the janitor or something (i dunno) leaves one of the back doors unlocked so he can step out for a cig every few hours, so they sneak in and have the time of their life running around looking at art while trying not to get caught, and we're going to use the suspended disbelief bestowed upon us by the power of romcoms to pretend security cameras aren't a thing, and it is BRILLIANT. like, Simon and Baz have so much chemistry, and when the night ends Baz is just like all smiles and creased eyes and messy black hair and, breathlessly: "I want to see you again."

and Simon's heart drops. because he wants to see Baz again, too, but he can't. no matter how much he wants to, he can't. when he wakes up tomorrow he's going to be someone new, so he can't, he can't, he can't, he—

"Yeah," he says. "Tomorrow?"

SIMON NO!!!

"It's a date."

FUCK!!!

ok, so now we have a problem. Simon can't just stand him up, i mean he could but he doesn't want to, and he really does want to see him again, so he does the only thing he can think of: he stays awake. all fucking night.

Baz, the next day: "You look exhausted."

Simon, wired asf on caffeine and trying to be smooth: "Had someone on my mind all night."

and then they go have another wicked date, but i have nothing in my notes about what it is. oh, i have them living in Canada in this fic btw bc as a rule, if a fic doesn't have to be set in England, i move them to Canada for comfort. so i might have them go cliff jumping or something? who knows. we'll go with that for now.

cue the romcom montage.

[mother tongue starts playing SO DON'T SAY YOU LOVE ME FALA AMO, JUST LET YOUR HEART SPEAK UP AND I'LL KNOW]

ok. post-date. Simon is so dumb and infatuated with Baz and does something only a boy who is dumb and infatuated and sleep-deprived would do in his situation, and he goes back to Baz's flat with him to "watch a movie", or in other words: the movie starts and then they prolly have sex, but in my notes this is written as "??? smash ???" so i guess it's kinda up in the air.

either way, Simon passes the fuck out at Baz's place bc he was properly exhausted by that point, and he wakes up to Baz screaming at him bc obvs he looks like a different person now.

Simon, half-asleep: [PANICKED FLAILING] BAZ IT'S ME!!! STOP THROWING THINGS!!! BAZ!!! IT'S ME, IT'S SIMON!!!

and Baz is like: WHAT THE FUCK

and Simon is like: I CAN EXPLAIN

and Baz is like: HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE

and Simon is like: I CAN EXPLAIN!!!

so, here's a detail from the orig film that comes into play here: in the orig movie, the MC keeps a video diary, logging every day what his face looks like, and in this, Simon does this on his phone and backs them up to his computer every hundred days, so he gives Baz his phone and tells him the whole story while Baz scrolls through these short like minute long videos of Simon on various days going, "Hey, this is me today. I have [this and such] thing to do, blah blah blah."

and the thing is, Baz recognises him in some of them. bc Simon is always coming into the bookshop. he stops watching when he gets to the day Simon looked like Agatha, and Simon has been quiet for a while at this point, just letting Baz process.

Baz: "I want you to leave."

Simon takes his phone without a word and goes. Penny picks him up on the corner a block over and drives him back to their flat. she doesn't ask what happened. she already has a pretty good idea.

when Simon's next commission comes in, he thinks about going to another bookshop, he really does. but this one is so convenient, esp since Simon can't drive bc he can't risk getting pulled over carrying a licence that doesn't have his face on it, and he's been going there for eight years and it's not like Baz will recognise him anyway.

so, to the bookshop he goes, but this time when Baz comes up to ask if he needs help, Simon is like, "haha, no that's okay," and goes back to looking for things on his own, and Baz kinda lingers awkwardly for a moment before going on his way, but then when Simon comes up to the till to pay for the book, Baz just stands there staring at him. and Simon is so uncomfortable, like, he just wants to leave—

"Simon?"

SORRY, YOU WHAT?

"What?" Simon gapes at him. "How did— how did you? But I'm—"

"Can we talk?" Baz asks.

"How did you know it was—"

Baz shouts over to the other employee on the floor that he's taking his lunch break, and Simon just slowly follows him out of the shop with the book forgotten, unpaid for, at the check-out.

and here's the deal, Baz liked Simon a stupid amount considering they'd only gone on two dates, but they were good dates, and Baz doesn't date much, so he's a bit hung up on just how much he liked Simon and the weird way shit ended, so he's basically like. i want to see it again. and Simon is like, see what? and Baz is like, you. the... whatever that you do, i want to see you change.

and that's how Simon ends up bringing Baz back to his flat, and btw: Simon has a rule about never bringing people back to his flat bc it's weird as fuck. his room is really tiny, and it's cluttered as fuck in a Howl's bedroom type way. he keeps to the same cheap, casual style for all his clothes, but he needs things in a bunch of sizes. shoes are a nightmare. he has to take care of his hair in a million different fucking ways. so he has the lives of a dozen people shoved into a room the size of a shoebox, and his mattress has no frame. that shit is just on the floor, so it takes up less space. and there's this mirror, a wide full bodied mirror, propped up against the wall facing the bed, so that the first thing Simon can do each day is roll over and look at himself.

Simon and Baz have supper together, they talk, they pretend this isn't weird as fuck and, even though it is weird as fuck, they still have so much chemistry, and this is a fanfic, so they just end up having sex again but it's supposed to be kinda emo and tender and look, it's what my heart wants, ok?

morning comes. Simon wakes to Baz's hands on his face. which is already and improvement compared to last time. Baz is looking at him very seriously, but also very like. softly. he's touching Simon's features, tracing them, and Simon is quiet for a very long time, watching him do this, until he's just like. what are you doing.

Baz: "Getting to know you." A pause. "Why does it happen?"

Simon: "I don't know."

Baz: "Are there other people like you?"

Simon: "I don't know."

Baz, sighing: "Well, what do you know?"

Simon: "That I'm still me. Inside, I mean. Like... if you had a book, and every day you gave it a new cover, the story wouldn't change."

Baz: "You must get lost on a lot of shelves."

Simon: "Yeah."

and from there, Baz is just a part of Simon's life the same way Penny is, he knows the truth, and he deals with it. for the first time in Simon's adult life, he gets to really date. he and Baz do a bunch of domestic shit together, for months, and it's so good. all of it is so good, all the time, and they fall so fucked up deep in love with each other.

(detail from this point that is relevant later: Baz and Simon make a game out of Baz recognising Simon at work on days when he hasn't seen yet what he looks like. Simon will come in and try to act like a stranger, but Baz can Where's Waldo him every time.)

but then Christmas comes. and Baz has to go home to see his family. and i don't have an exact idea of how this convo goes, only that it is not a fight of any kind, like, it is a normal convo about the holidays but Baz apologises to Simon during it for not telling his family about him, he says they'd want Baz to bring Simon home if he did (bc i just don't wanna fuck with homophobia in this so we've shot Malcolm with the ally beam) and he wouldn't know how to explain Simon's whole... thing to them, and Simon kinda realises that like. he can't ever be the type of boyfriend Baz can bring home to his family. he can't ever be the type of boyfriend Baz gets to have a normal life with.

SO SIMON GHOSTS HIM.

like, Baz comes back from his family's place, annoyed that Simon hasn't returned any of his texts or calls, only to find that Simon and Penny have literally fucking moved flats in the two weeks he's been gone. and obvs he's fucking devastated and confused by this and desperately trying to get Simon to respond to him, but he won't.

Simon goes out of his way to find a new bookshop to go to, and that's the end of things for about a week or so, and i haven't actually decided what happens here exactly, but the general idea i wanna go with is that Simon goes to the bookshop Baz works at just for the sake of seeing him, checking up on him, bc he misses him.

but remember that game they played? so yeah, Baz walks up to say his usual like, "hey, can I help you find anything?" but he fucking clocks Simon after like ten seconds.

scene change: they're in Simon's new flat, like maybe Baz demanded that if Simon is going to break up with him he owes it to him to do it goddamn properly, but i dunno. details, details. but they end up getting in a huge fucking fight and Simon reveals the reason he ghosted Baz was bc he realised Baz can't have a real life with him and Baz is like:

"You don't get to decide that for me! You're still you, you're still lovely—"

"You don't even know what I look like!"

"I don't care what you look like, you fucking moron, I care that you're Simon Snow! There's a person inside you that exists every day, even when everything else changes, and he's lovely. I love him. The rest doesn't matter, how can you not see that? Stop telling me I'm not allowed to love you however you are, I'll love you a hundred different ways, Simon. Any size, any shape. I'll love you over, and over, and over. That's a life for me. A real life for me. You!"

and then Simon throws his arms around Baz's neck and hugs him like he needs him to breathe and Baz clings to his shirt and they're both prolly crying all loud and gross, but it's fine. they're gonna be fine.

the next day: Simon wakes up to Baz's mouth on the back of his neck. "Like this one, then?" he says.

"Loveliest yet." Baz brushes his knuckles over the slope of Simon's shoulder. "Freckles, curls, broad shoulders... Mmm, maybe we should stay in bed today."

Simon laughs and rolls over to pin Baz to the mattress, grinning at him. he goes to say something, prolly rib at him the way they do, but as he does he catches his reflection in that mirror he keeps by his bed and he freezes.

"Holy shit!" he shouts, and shoves himself up onto his knees. "That's me!"

Baz rolls his eyes. "Yes, yes, I told you—"

Simon shakes his head furiously. "No, it's. Baz. I'm. Jesus fucking Christ, that's me. Baz, that's me."

Baz sits up slowly. "Do you mean—"

"Fuck, holy shit!" Simon grabs his curls with both hands. he hasn't touched these curls in ten fucking years. he looks older than he remembers himself, which is a given, but it's definitely him. his father's eyes, his mother's chin. the moles on his cheek, above his eyebrow, below his ear.

Simon freaks out in a way that kinda toes the line between being happy and being a breakdown, he throws himself at Baz, and they both fall back onto the bed and Simon is laughing and he's shaking and he doesn't understand, he doesn't get it, but holy fuck, he has his own face, he has his own body, he has his own hands. Baz pushes them apart so he can get a look at him, and Simon is actually kinda self-conscious when he does, which is a new feeling. he never has to feel self-conscious about anything, usually, since he knows every flaw or insecurity isn't really his, and will be gone the next day, but this is just... him.

Baz takes Simon's face in his hands and then, breathlessly, "Hello, Simon Snow."

AND THEN THEY KISS bc what else would they do here.

and uhh, yeah. so. Simon goes out to the kitchen where Penny is making breakfast and she loses her shit when she sees him. big hugs all around. Baz really does take the day off work to spend it with Simon, even though that just means lying around on the sofa watching movies while Simon works on his current rebinding commission. when Penny gets home that evening, they order takeaway and sit around the lounge room playing boardgames together until late, late, late into the night. Penny falls asleep in the armchair, and now it's 3-am.

Simon is tired. he's looking at the clock, sitting with his knees up and his arms around them, with Baz beside him. Baz has his forehead on his shoulder, an arm around his waist. he doesn't want to go to bed, because what if... what if it was only for today. how long will it be until the next time? what if there is no next time, what if, what if—

"We'll still be here," Baz whispers, exhausted. "And you'll still be you. No matter what, Simon."

and so they go to bed.

Simon wakes up to Baz's mouth on the back of his neck.

"Good morning, Simon Snow."

AND YEAH, that is the entire plot of my The Beauty Inside AU.

i told you this was gonna be a long one, but if you've made it all the way to the end of this mess, thank you kindly again for indulging me!

[elysianslove]

hihi, can I request smth! Idk of this comply to your request rules cause I can't find it in your blog (sorry!!) The request is hc with Atsumu, Kuroo and Iwaizumi with an s/o that is considered a bitch by people. Like they don't let anyone walk all over them, people are scared of them but admire them esp in terms of academics but they're actually v loving and a big clumsy mess.

hii!! yeah i don’t really have a set of rules for requesting mainly cause i couldn’t think of any haha, but your request is more than okay! i’ve been obsessing nonstop over atsumu especially recently, and today wasn’t the best of days for me, so this was nice to write heh. thank you for requesting it. i hope you enjoy <3

miya atsumu 

atsumu is obsessed w you

seriously, he is just enamored by you. the way you hold your ground and always stand up for yourself, never letting anyone saying anything about you pass by you, your presence so intimidating. he loves it so much. he’s especially fond of the way you’re not even a bitch, you’re just confident in who you are, and everything you’re good at.

he observes from afar at first, the way people shrink in comparison to you regardless of your height. your aura just seems so. powerful? he really wants to approach you, and because this is miya atsumu, the first thought that crosses his mind is this person needs to be mine <3 no he will not take criticism.

so he does. approaches you, introduces himself in a way like you’re already meant to know who he is and he’s just doing you a favor. his heart breaks into tiny little pieces when you just go, “sorry, but no.” 

like literally just that you don’t go in detail or anything. you just reject him so plain and simple it’s actually worse than a full fledged out angry rejection. osamu’s so impressed he ready to have you added to his future will. 

he grows on you, though, over time. atsumu’s so quitter, and your rejection had only spurred him on. he would’ve backed off, because is a consent king, as they all are and should be, but you’re always so prepared with a quip back at him and you never actually push him away. it’s like a flirty game of tug of war between you two. eventually, he asks you out again, and just for old time’s sake, you jokingly say no lmao. all blood drains from his face that you actually kinda feel bad.

generally, he’s very proud to have you as his s/o. he himself has dealt with people constantly being put off by him and his attitude, so to see you deal with it so well is kind of? encouraging? uplifting? yk? 

he also likes how people are both scared of you and admire you. like. he relates to them! you’re incredible! 

he’s always snickering when he sees a student approach you literally trembling like a leaf and asks for your help in something academics related. you always say yes, which is something that just. pinches at his heart. the student is also always so surprised at the fact that you’re willing to help. god. atsumu will never have enough of their reactions to you. 

when you grow more comfortable with each other, and he discovers what you’re truly like, the person you really are beneath, atsumu just straight up falls in love. he didn’t think you could be any more perfect for him, honestly. 

he’s loves the way people are so intimidated by you but he knows that just a few minutes ago you were doodling little hearts in his notebook. 

a part of him wants so many more people to be aware that sometimes you can trip over air, and that you’re not as elegant and stoic as everyone thinks you are, but then he’s reminded of the fact that only he knows you’re truly like this, and he shakes that part of him off. atsumu genuinely adores knowing this additional, secret part of you. he doesn’t think you’re fake at all for having what’s seemingly a facade. he just thinks not enough people know what you’re truly like, and that you’re a gem, truly. 

he’s also like weirdly obsessed with the two of you as a couple? he knows people are intimidated by him, and it’s so painfully obvious people are intimidated by you. he just. eats that shit up. 

he’d also be really supportive if it ever gets to you. super ready to fight anyone. he’ll always tell you “these fake bitches don’t matter babe we the only real ones 😼💯” god havejkdkd 

anyways i been fantasizing about having miya atsumu as my bf somebody help im going insane 

kuroo tetsurō

kuroo knows of you. everybody does. you’re like, exceptionally good at being one of the most talked about people and also being the most mysterious person in school. the duality has him heart eyes for you. 

what probably catches his attention is the way people talk about you, in general, but specifically regarding academics. he overhears a group of people like whispering to each other about you while you’re just standing there minding your own business. they’re just encouraging one of them to approach you and kuroo’s like hm ! let me butt in bc why not ! 

as a joke, he slides up next to you and points at the group of students and whispers, “they’re talking about you.” 

this obviously ticks you off and without looking back you stomp over to the students and just go, “if you have something to say about me say it to my face!” and kuroo’s just watching like ,,, damn that’s hot. the students are so confused and ten times more scared than they first were and one of them just squeaks out that they only wanted to ask for help and you just , “oh. okay! :D.” kuroo’s just ,,, he’s losing his damn mind. 

he finds you really interesting, honestly, the way you’re just so strong? like mentally especially. you’re really mature, and you have a strong sense of self. he admires that about you, and continues to love that even when you start dating. 

he does ask you out, and he’s a little surprised you said yes, he’s not gonna lie. but you did, from the first time, and he just took you out to a simple picnic date. it was very cute, and the whole time he made you laugh and you were a completely different person than what he had first seen and expected. 

he really likes the fact that you’re really confident in yourself in that you won’t let anyone step on you or walk all over you. like he just loves watching you hand someone’s ass to them because they decided they wanted to make a smart comment about you. seriously, he’s insanely in love with it. 

he realizes pretty quick that the only reason people are so thrown off by you or are scared to approach you is because no one really gives you a chance to be yourself? like they’re always expecting the worst from you, having heard all these terrible things about you that half aren’t even true, that they don’t even bother trying to get to know you. and that fact really bothers him a lot, he’s not gonna lie, because he believes you’re the best person he’s ever had the pleasure of meeting. 

he really loves that you don’t let it bother you though. he’s impressed with how it doesn’t matter if some friends turn out fake, because, in your words, “good riddance.” 

the two of you kind of feed off each other’s energies? like he’s super confident in himself, and so are you, so you two only benefit each other in your presences. 

to put it simply, kuroo is incredibly impressed with who you are as a person, and it warms his heart so much how you’re so incredible of a person in so many ways, in that you neither let anything pass you by, and in that you’re the cutest, kindest soul he knows. 

iwaizumi hajime

brat tamer #1 <3 

i think iwa genuinely doesn’t care. not about you! about the things people say. like he hears so many rumors about you and he’s like .... ok. oikawa’s always feeding them to him but he’s just? not bothered by it? doesn’t care? it’s irrelevant information for him anyways? 

but then. 

but then. 

he walks past a scene where he sees you just destroying this poor kid. you’re verbally destroying him. the kid’s buried six feet under at this point. you’re not even yelling, but the guy’s shrinking under your gaze and your words and iwazumi’s so mesmerized by the way you do it so flawlessly. you don’t stutter because you’re so sure of your words and so confident in your stance. iwazumi. hums in approval. like. hm. good for them. as they should. 

after that he starts paying more attention to anything he hears about you, because he wants to know more. he doesn’t know why. he just does. and then he hears all these different things like “they’re so good at everything they do they can’t be real” and “i would never speak to them if they were the last person on earth” like ? he’s so confused WHICH IS IT

so, because iwaizumi’s a pretty straightforward person, he approaches you. 

do not confuse this though, because iwa is a blushing and flustered mess as he asks you to hang out. he’s never done this before, and this is not his style, but he’s just so interested in who you are as a person he was doing it before he realized it happened. 

the way you react is so? sweet? 

it’s so different than that day he saw you murdering that guy for talking smack, you seem so light and loving he actually feels his heart beat a little too fast in his chest. 

as his s/o, iwaizumi likes that he can trust you with yourself. like a part of him will always have that protective side to him, because that’s just the person iwa is, and he’ll always feel the need to step up and speak for you. but another part of him is really amazed by the way you can and are so able of speaking up for yourself. he feels really proud at the lack of insecurity. 

he also feels really smug about being with you. because he knows people are intimidated by him, and especially by you, but now that you’re together, he feels untouchable, and he knows you are too. he likes that feeling of power a little too much. 

if you ever step out of line at some point, iwaizumi will definitely let you know. he’ll point it out, and if you resist, he knows how to get you down off the pedestal. he’s had brat taming training for years lmao 

but he doesn’t think you’re a brat, not at all. in fact, he thinks you’re the sweetest person ever. he loves the versatility of your personality and attitude, in that you’re not just black and white and there’s so much more to you, there’s always grey in between. he likes that you’re endlessly dimensional and that he’s always learning something new about you. 

he especially loves the side of you that’s so soft spoken. it’s so endearing to him how you’re one moment so angry you could murder someone in cold blood but then all of a sudden you’re pinching his cheeks and kissing the tip of his nose telling him how cute he is. 

yeah iwa really loves you hehe <3

[koushou]

Could we get uuh,,, Todoroki x f!reader who is insecure abt their looks bc they look more "boyish" than most girls? 😳 As much as I love being an androgynous queen, I get insecure sometimes, esp when it comes to guys liking me

this is my first ask im 😳💕💕

beautiful

pairing : todoroki shoto x f!reader {fluff}

warnings : none really, like the teeniest suggestive ending, just todoroki being like the best bf ugh 😩

a/n : thank you so much for requesting anon!! i tried my best, im so sorry if it isn’t exactly what you wanted but shoutout to all the androgynous queens you’re amazing !! <3 (also can you tell im terrible at titles pls)

shopping mall dates with your friends were always something you looked forward to, shoto knew this well. so why had you come back to the dorms empty-handed?

The familiar ringtone playing from your phone woke you up from your slumber, as bright sunlight shone through your windows where the curtains did poor job of providing you with any coverage. You opened your eyes and would’ve immediately shut them if not for the music still coming from your phone on your nightstand.

Swinging a hand blindly over, you felt the cool screen of your device and brought it close to your face, as an all too familiar contact name displayed on the top of the screen.

Grumbling slightly, you pressed the answer button and brought it up to your ear.

“Y/N!! Are you still sleeping??” You almost wanted to hang up right then and there from the cheery girl’s voice ringing into your ear. 

“Mina, it’s-” You glanced over at your alarm clock on the same nightstand, “-literally 9 in the morning, what do you want-”

“Come on! You remember we have another shopping day today, right??” 

You rubbed your eyes and rolled over in bed on your side, away from the blinding light illuminating through the glass windows.

Shopping dates with your girlfriends in Class 1-A took place almost every weekend, something you always looked forward to. Hero training was stressful, everyone was always striving to further improve and expand their quirks and skill, almost never having time for any sort of break. 

Truthfully, you had forgotten about your planned day with the girls today, since it had been a pretty tough week, with work piling up on top of one another, heck, you were barely keeping up your grades. 

“Oh...right.” You ran your fingers through your somewhat messy, medium-length hair, attempting to comb it slightly and getting rid of the small knots that had been formed in your sleep.

“Hey, don’t tell me you forgot - anyways, we’re meeting up downstairs at 10, so see you later!!” 

“Yeah, alright.” 

Quiet beeps signaling the end of your short call with Mina, you sighed and wondered how the alien girl managed to stay so hyper in the morning, not that you were surprised anymore. 

Sitting up in bed, you let out a yawn and stretched out your body, excited for the day to come. 

On some days, you just wanted to sleep in and have a day all to yourself in the comfort of your small dorm room, but these shopping sprees with the girls always took your mind off any troubles on your mind.

Throwing your blanket to the side lazily, you get up from your bed and groggily made your way to the bathroom, phone still in hand. Flicking on the light switch, you cringed at the sudden brightness.

A notification noise sounded from your phone, a smile spreading across your face as soon as you saw who the sender was - your one and only white and red haired boyfriend.

Unlocking your phone, you were met by a few text messages from your lover.

shouu <33 : good morning love, have you woken up yet?

shouu <33 : you’re going out today with the others right? i wish you could come and be with me, but i hope you have fun.💗

Your heart could not handle this level of cuteness in the morning.

Turning on the water to get ready for your morning shower, you typed out a reply to your boyfriend.

                                                             good morning shouto 🥺 i just woke upp

                      imy so much as well, i promise i’ll be with you when i get back!!💕

You stripped off your clothes and hopped into the shower, the water more on the warm side, exactly how you liked it.

After about 20 minutes, you stepped out with a towel wrapped around your torso, the cool air hitting your legs, making you shiver slightly. You made your way over to your closet in the corner of your room, picking out what clothes to wear.

It was scorching hot out, and you were feeling lazy, so a simple black t-shirt and a pair of jean shorts seemed like a good choice.

The time was about 9:40 when you had finished brushing your teeth and mindlessly slapping on some sunscreen, you didn’t want to become tan, after all.

Internally crying, you shoved your wallet with your credit card inside your small purse you usually brought when you went shopping, making a note to yourself to cut down a bit on your purchases. 

You knew that promise was going to go out the window as soon as you step foot in a store, but hey, you always felt better after coming back to the dorms with bags of clothing in your hands.

Deciding to head down to the common room earlier to grab a quick snack to eat, you received another message from your phone.

shouu <33 : i’ll be waiting for you, love.

shouu <33 : are you sure you don’t want to use my father’s credit card? i don’t think he would really care if it gets maxed out, you know.

You giggled at your boyfriend’s message even though you knew he was being 100% serious.

                                                                                   shou...bby, i cant do that-

shouu <33 : alright then, be safe and text me when you get there, okay?

                                                                                                            i will! ily <33

shouu <33 : i love you too :)

When you reached the common room, you were met by pink, black, green, and brown haired girls.

“Y/N!! Good morning!!”

“Good morning, Y/N.”

“Hey Y/N-chan, ribbit.”

“Oh hey Y/N!”

You smile at your energetic friends, Mina, Momo, Tsu and Uraraka, who were all lounging on the couches. 

“Good morning, guys.”

Mina lets out a whine, “Where is Jirou? That girl is almost always never on time-”

“What’s that, Mina?”

A voice from behind the girls spoke, causing everyone to jump and turn at the same time. 

“O-oh good morning Jirou-”

The purple haired girl stood behind the couches, and your eyes scanned over her outfit. A white, loose short sleeve hung around her shoulders, paired with some black shorts. A simple outfit, yet she made it look so much more appealing.

She charged towards Mina, who was now desperately hiding behind Uraraka. It was then that you finally took notice of the other girls’ outfits, and suddenly became all too aware of your own.

Mina, with a pink shirt tucked into her jeans, a black belt as a finishing touch. Her curves showing perfectly, all in the right places. You would expect her pink hair to be messy and puffy, but it was tamed, neatly brushed, and reminded you of soft cotton candy. 

A cropped maroon top, with black jeans, complementing Momo’s smooth, black hair which was put up in a lower pony tail than usual. Her gentle features sure to attract admirers wherever she went. The way her dark bangs framed her face, the way her smile was bright, genuine - an appearance of a true, proper lady. 

You glanced down at your own outfit, trying to smooth out wrinkles in your own shirt. No genius was required to see that you obviously stood out in your group of feminine friends, you being the only female with short hair and a different style.

It wasn’t that you hated the way you looked, but it made you think sometimes that you weren’t as attractive or liked as much, compared to your friends.

“Well then,” Uraraka clasped her hands together, interrupting your thoughts, and grinned. “Shall we get going?” 

You all cheered, getting up and ready to head to the shopping mall. 

Mina locked her arms in yours and dragged you out of the doors, grinning at you while the other girls trailed behind.

“Come on old ladies! We’re gonna max out our cards!!” She yelled at the sky once you were outside, the hot summer air hitting your skin immediately. 

“Hey, who’re you calling an old lady?!” You smacked Mina’s arm, making her stick her tongue out at you.

“Fine, whoever gets there last is an old lady!!” 

Your pink haired friend takes off toward the mall which was located about 20 minutes away from your school, with you laughing and running after her, followed by your other female friends.

The negative thoughts you had on your mind previously vanished as you all ran after one another, not giving a care in the world to the questioning looks passersby shot your ways. Spending time with your friends always somehow managed to brighten your mood, regardless of whether they knew how you were feeling or not. 

And your love for them could never be put into words.

6 girls arrived at the Misako Mall, panting, out of breath as they bought water from a vending machine.

“Oh-” You pant, fumbling with the buttons on the machine, inserting a few coins in and watching as the bottle falls to the bottom. 

“Ura-ha..ha...Uraraka, you’re an old...ha...lady!” Mina teased the gravity-quirked girl in between breaths.

“Yo-you’re so mean, ha, Mina,” Uraraka coughed, sputtering as she practically shoved the water bottle down her throat, drinking half of the bottle in a few seconds.

“Slow down - ribbit - Ochaco-chan,” Tsu patted the said girl’s back, making sure she didn’t choke.

“Well, guys, where do you want to go first?” Momo spoke up, after you guys rested a bit on the benches in the lobby. 

“I kind of wanted to check out the accessories in that shop we passed earlier,” Jirou scratched the back of her neck awkwardly, nodding towards a shop near the entrance of the mall.

You all turned to look at the store she was talking about, not surprised to see the exterior of the shop decorated in dark, emo-style accessories - exactly Jirou’s style.

“I want to go there too - ribbit,” Tsu nodded in agreement, this time shocking the group, since Tsu had always seemed to be into more cuter accessories. 

“I was actually interested in that one over there,” Momo tapped her chin thoughtfully, gesturing towards a high-class looking store on the second floor of the mall. 

“That looks nice! I really like that white dress they have in the front,” Uraraka stared dreamily at the level above you guys, and an idea popped into your head.

“Why don’t we split into pairs? That way, we can all check out the stores we want to and meet up back here when we’re all done!” Your suggestion earned approving nods from the rest, all of you agreeing to text in the groupchat you had when you were finished in your stores.  

Tsu and Jirou, Momo and Uraraka, and you and Mina walked off into different directions of the mall, chatting excitedly.

You and Mina decided to first go into a casual-styled store filled with jeans, tops, jackets, etc. 

Walking into the store, a friendly cashier at the counter greeted you guys, who you both smiled back at.

Thankful for the cool air conditioner providing a contrast to the burning weather outside, you scanned the racks for anything that caught your eye.

“Oh! Y/N look here!” You turned to where your pink friend had ran to, spotting her a few aisles down.

Making your way towards her, she holds up a light pink, off the shoulder top decorated with small flowers and a lace ribbon in her hands eagerly.

“Do you think this would look good on me? I really like the color!” She beams at you, holding the clothing item up to herself, admiring it in a tall mirror nearby. 

You study it for a second, before smiling back at her and nodding excitedly in agreement.

“It suits your skin color so well too! You should go try it on!”

“You think so??” She grins at you happily as you chuckle back in response. 

“You should pick out some clothes first, then we can go to the changing rooms together!”

“Okay, let me look around a bit more!” You walk off to the other side of the store, studying any clothes that may peak your interest. 

A striped red, orange, and white button-up shirt catches your eye, hanging on one of the racks. You take it and hold it up to your torso, satisfied with the way it looked. 

Keeping it around your arm to try on later, you decide to pick out a few more clothes to try on to avoid making multiple trips to the changing room. Just as you were about to turn around and continue your search for more clothes, you felt a figure approach behind you. 

“Hey, uh, sorry to bother you but I thought you were really pretty, and I was wondering if I could get your number?”

A voice made you turn around, and you were met by a man who looked a bit older than you. 

He was standing right in front of you now, his eyes staring at...the top of your head?

You cleared your throat awkwardly, not expecting the sudden question. 

“Oh! Thank you, but I have a boyfriend already, I’m sorry-”

The man’s eyes finally focus on your face, before laughing at you.

Wait, what?

You furrowed your eyebrows at the still laughing man, who looked down at you like you were a mere piece of dirt below him.

“I’m not talking to you, you’re not even pretty?” He scoffed when you gaped at him. 

“I’m talking to the hottie behind you,” He grinned and stared past you to whoever was standing there.

You slowly turned around, expecting to see some random stranger behind you, but you were met by a puff of familiar pink hair.

“O-oh, Mina...” You mumbled, not wanting to make eye contact with your friend, disheartened from the man’s words.

You were never one to get bothered by anyone’s words, especially not from a stranger, but this one hit you differently.

“What did you say to my friend?! You wanna repeat that, huh?!” Mina yelled at the man, steam almost emitting out of her pink ears. 

“Woah, calm down, pinkie, I just wanted to get your number - I didn’t know she was your friend.” He chuckled, and glanced at you again.

“Just saying, you could do so much better.” It was like bullets, the man’s words, aimed straight at your heart.

Storming up to the man, Mina slapped him directly on his face, leaving both of you in shock.

“Say that again, I dare you!!” You ushered Mina away from the furious man despite her protests of wanting to beat him up.

“Hmph, who does he think he is?!” You stopped walking when you guys were a good distance from the stranger.

You bit your lip, trying to suppress your emotions and not make a fool of yourself in a public space.

“It’s fine, I-I don’t really care,” Sighing, you gave Mina a small unconvincing smile, which she saw right through.

“Are you okay, Y/N? Don’t listen to him! He’s just blind,” She huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. 

You chuckled softly, trying to change the subject, “I’m fine, come on, let’s go try on our clothes.” 

Mina sighed, eyeing the one top you had on your arm. “You only have one shirt? Don’t you want to try on more?” 

You scanned the racks around you guys, randomly picking a pair of black plaid pants, flashing your friend another smile. 

“It’s okay, there’s not much I like here,” You grabbed her arm and led her into the changing rooms, chuckling at her pile of clothes hanging over her arm. 

“You sure got a lot, Mina.”

“Their clothes are really nice!!” 

Mina and you went into rooms besides each other, and you could hear the girl squealing while trying on her clothing.

Instead of trying on your clothes immediately, you slumped against the white door, taking a deep breath, the man’s comments still on your mind.

You’re not even pretty.

You could do so much better.

Wrapping your arms around your torso, you looked in the mirror on the wall across you, taking in your appearance.

There were few things about you that would seem appealing to any man, and you should’ve gotten over the stares people give you wherever you go by now, but it was hard.

It really was.

Of course people would be attracted to Mina first, or anyone in your friend group, for that matter. She was outgoing, kind, bright, and feminine. 

Tears poking at the corners of your eyes, you quickly wiped them away with the back of your hand before they fell. 

Why couldn’t people just accept who you were?

Why couldn’t people accept the fact that you were happy in your own body, and that you loved yourself the way you were?

The common stereotype that all females had to be feminine, had to be proper, you were tired of it.

A loud knock from the other side of the door you were leaning against sounded, and you jumped a little, before hearing your friend’s cheery voice. 

“Y/N! Are you finished? I want to show you the top!”

“Oh- One second!”

Quickly tidying up your appearance to get rid of any hints of your silent breakdown, you unlocked the door and looked over Mina.

You were right.

The light pink color of the top really did complement her skin color well, her slender shoulders were exposed, and the lacey ribbon around the collarbone area of her shirt gave it a finishing touch.

Gasping, you admired how good it looked on her, while she giggled and jumped excitedly in place.

“It looks so beautiful on you Mina!!” You gave her a small hug, giggling along. “It’s like it was made for you!”

“Thanks!! What about your clothes?” She nodded towards your top and pants still sitting in the changing room, untouched.

You coughed, “Oh- uh give me a second, I still need to try on the top,” She nodded and pushed you back into the room eagerly.

“Show me when you’re done!”

You nodded and smiled back at her before walking back into the room and locking the door behind you.

You had already lost all interest in shopping today, but reluctantly changed into the striped button-up shirt, looking at yourself in the mirror. 

It was okay, nothing really special, and you certainly wouldn’t be spared any second glances from anyone. Not that you cared, you were already in a happy and healthy relationship with Shoto.

Shoto.

A thought suddenly popped into your mind. 

What did Shoto think about your appearance? Coming from a rich family, it was only natural that he would be into proper, feminine females. 

Why was he even dating you? Does he actually mean it every time he calls you beautiful?

Maybe you should change your hairstyle. Or the way you dressed. Maybe then, Shoto would love you.

Maybe then, he would think you’re beautiful.

Running your hand through your short strands of hair, you suddenly didn’t want to be here anymore.

You wished you were in the safety of your dorm, under the blankets where no one would have to look at you.

You were probably an eyesore, walking around everyday at school, getting judgmental looks from left to right.

Shaking your head, you tried to push those thoughts to the back of your mind, straightening yourself back up.

Unlocking the door again, wanting to get this day over with, you were met by a excited Mina as she looked over at you. You noticed that she had changed back to her own shirt.

“You look great Y/N!!” She hopped excitedly over to you as she admired your top.

You shrugged, glancing down at your top. “I mean, it’s okay, I guess.” 

She raised her eyebrows at your response, asking worriedly, “Do you not like it?” 

“Not really, it’s kind of plain.” Sighing, you picked at the sleeves and wrinkles of the shirt. 

“Oh,” Mina pursed her lips together, cocking her head to the side. “That’s alright, then. What about the pants?”

Truth was, you had forgotten to try on the pants while you were inside, and you didn’t want to risk purchasing something you weren’t sure would look good on you.

“Oh-uh, I didn’t like that one too much either,” You glanced back at the item still hanging in the changing room.

“Oh no,” Mina pouted. “Are you going to buy anything?”

Biting your lip, you shook your head. “Guess not.”

It wasn’t really that you didn’t want to buy anything, you just thought that at this point, it didn’t matter what you wore.

Because, you weren’t as feminine as other girls.

"Give me a second to change back, and we can go to another store.” She looked like she was about to say something, but decided to close her mouth and nodded instead.

The remaining time you spent with Mina was just her jumping around stores excitedly and you mindlessly staring at clothes you wouldn’t ever buy.

It was about 2 in the afternoon when you all decided to meet back up, ready to head back to school.

You realized that you hadn’t bought a single item in the past 4 hours spent in wandering around the mall. 

“Y/N! Did you not buy anything?” Momo asks worriedly as you and Mina approach the other two pairs in the lobby.

You shook your head at the tall girl, sighing, “Nothing really caught my eye today.”

“Oh, we can walk around a bit more together if you’d like!” Uraraka offers, holding a large bag in her own hands.

You smiled at her words, shaking your head again. “No, it’s alright! I’m sure we’re all tired, let’s head back.” 

“Gosh, this weird man came up to us earlier and had the audacity to call our little Y/N here unattractive??! And then proceeded to ask for my number??” Mina huffed, clenching her fists dramatically at the memory.

You chuckled awkwardly. “Mina, you didn’t have to slap the poor man.”

“Poor man? By the sounds of it, he hasn’t learned his lesson yet.” Jirou speaks up, cracking her knuckles, eyes darkening. “Where is he?”

You laughed. “Jirou-”

“Oh dear, that’s terrible.” Momo patted your shoulder. “You’re very beautiful, Y/N, you know that?” 

You smiled at the kind girl, letting out a deep breath. 

“I understand where he’s coming from, though...” You mumbled quietly.

“Did you say something, Y/N?” Uraraka asks from next to you.

Shaking your head quickly, you link your arms with the brown haired girl, grinning at everyone. “Let’s head back now!”

Pushing open the large glass doors, you were met once again by the humid air, the sun’s rays burning down on your exposed skin.

The girls chattered happily about their new purchases, peeking inside the others’ bags and taking a couple out to show.

Even though you walked in the middle of Uraraka and Momo, you couldn’t help but feel left out, not having any new clothing to wear.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you nudged Momo, making her turn around and look at you.

“Hey Yaomomo, what’d you get?”

She smiled and opened her bag for you to peek inside, and you almost had to close your eyes from the amount of bling inside,

Bling, meaning dresses decorated in gems, with a few jewelry pieces and other accessories. Of course, there were a couple casual wear on the bottom of the bag.

“Oh, I’m not even surprised anymore,” You pretended to huff at Momo, turning the other way.

“You’re so classy and fancy, Yaomomo, are you trying to flex your class on me?” 

She laughed, slapping your back lightly. “Oh sorry, I just can’t help that I’m so rich and proper.” 

You tensed up at her words. Of course, you knew she was being sarcastic, but her use of words hit the same spot in you again as earlier. 

“Hey guys...” Mina starts, wiggling her eyebrows.

“What?” An ominous feeling settles in all of your stomachs. 

“Last one to the dorms is an old lady!” 

All of you groan, watching as the pink alien girl takes off once again, having no choice but to follow behind.

6 girls arrived back at the dorm building, panting once again. 

“Mina- ha, I swear to - god,” You breathe out, pants coming from all six of you.

Mina just giggles at you as you all arrive back in the common room. Your classmates are sprawled out in different places throughout the room, and their heads all perk up simultaneously at the new arrivals. 

Bakugou were surrounded by Kirishima, Kaminari and Sero, as always, trying his best to swat them away. 

Tokoyami and Aoyama were chatting in the kitchen, while Iida, Midoriya and Shoto hung around the TV, watching whatever movie was put on.

Ojiro, Koda, Shoji, and Sato were nowhere to be seen, you guessed they were up in their own rooms. 

“Oh, hey guys! Welcome back!” A certain red-head’s voice chirped from the middle of the room, flashing you all his big smile.

“Hey Kirishima!” Mina smiled back at the boy before making her way up to her own room to organize her newly bought items. 

Momo, Tsu, Jirou, and Uraraka followed after her, while you made your way over to where your boyfriend was on one of the other couches. 

“Hey, love.” Shoto smiles at you softly as he opens his arms for you to give him a hug. 

“Hey Sho,” You happily accept your place in his arms, tired from the long day you had. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you as well,” He plants a small kiss on the top of your head. He was about to say something else before a realization dawns on him.

“Love, did you not buy anything?” You gulp, afraid that your boyfriend would see through your feelings and ask you what was wrong.

“Oh- uh, I just didn’t feel like anything caught my eye today!” You shrug, hoping that he would accept your answer and move on.

Of course, Shoto could be dense at times, but he is everything but stupid.

He always knew how you adored these little shopping sprees with your girls, and never once had you arrived back empty handed. On top of that, your vibe just seemed a bit...off.

“Can we go to your room and cuddle? I’m a little tired,” You look up at him, to which he responded by giving you a small kiss and chuckling.

“Of course, let’s go, love.” 

After saying goodbye to Iida and Midoriya, you both made your way to Shoto’s dorm, immediately flopping down on the bed after stepping inside.

Shoto laughed softly at your eagerness, wasting no time and following in after, wrapping his arms around your waist and pressing you flush against his chest.

The warmth and vanilla scent of your boyfriend was enough to calm you down and get rid of any past bad thoughts you were having earlier that day.

You felt him bury his face inside your hair, inhaling softly your shampoo from this morning. Normally, you would’ve swooned at the action, but it somehow made you feel uneasy. Insecure.

Shriveling away a little from his body, you were met by a very confused Shoto staring back at you.

“...Love?”

You bit your lip, not sure how to explain why you seemed uncomfortable.

“I-,uh, Shoto?” Your eyes made contact with his as he hummed in response. You decided it was now or never.

“Do you...think I’m pretty?” Biting your lip anxiously as you awaited his answer.

Confusion flashed through your boyfriend’s face. What kind of a question was that?

That was what he wanted to ask, until he noticed the tears forming in your eyes, and worriedly sat up, bringing you with him.

“Of course I think you’re pretty. You’re beautiful, darling.” 

Not convinced, you sniffle before asking again, “Really?”

He furrows his eyebrows together, lifting you up and onto his lap so you were straddling him now, both of you in a sitting position.

“Did something happen, love? Why are you asking me these questions?” He reaches up to wipe a stray tear that had slipped its way through your eyes with his thumb. 

“No reason-” You started, but your boyfriend’s piercing gaze told you he wouldn’t take that as an answer.

Taking a deep breath, you avoided his eyes as you began to speak.

“Today, when we were at the mall, a man came up to me, called me pretty, and asked for my number-”

Shoto raises his eyebrows, to which you wave away quickly.

“-I thought he was talking to me, but turns out he was speaking to Mina, who had been standing behind me. He then called me-” You cleared your throat, a bit anxious for your boyfriend’s reaction. 

“He said that I wasn’t pretty, and that Mina could do so much better than being friends with someone like me...” Your voice trails off as you felt Shoto’s grip on your waist tighten.

“He...what?” You could’ve sworn you saw flames flicker behind Shoto’s eyes, his left and right hands heating and cooling on your sides without thinking, to which you yelped a little, surprised by the temperature change.

His eyes softened, looking down at your waist and rubbing it softly. “Oh- I’m sorry, love, I did not mean to hurt you.”

You shake your head, smiling at him. “You didn’t hurt me at all, Shoto.”

He exhales deeply, looking into your eyes. “Baby, you’re the most beautiful, kind, amazing girl I’ve ever met in my life. Don’t ever listen to what anyone else says, you’re absolutely perfect the way you are.”

Shoto plants a deep kiss on your lips, tears threatening to spill over at his touching words.

When you pull away, there’s still a lingering thought in the back of your mind. 

“Don’t you ever wish - that you had a more...you know...” You rubbed your eyes, sniffling as the first few tears made their ways down your cheeks.

Shoto tilts his head to the side as he pulls you closer to his body, rubbing soothing circles on your lower back. 

“A what, love?”

“You know, a more...feminine...girlfriend?”

You nervously glance at him, waiting for his response. 

There’s silence for a moment, and your heart drops. 

“Who ever said that girls have to be feminine?” 

You directly look into his eyes for the first time that evening, confusion plastered on your face.

Shoto has a soft and loving, but firm expression as he speaks. 

“I don’t care if you dress, or appear differently than other girls. There is no “correct” way to look if you are a certain gender. You’re absolutely beautiful no matter what you do, or wear.” He leans forward to peck your lips once again.

“But...when I look at someone like Yaomomo, she’s just - so much more attractive and proper than someone like me...”

Shoto sighs, tilting your chin down to look at him.

“Proper? What’s not proper about you, Y/N? Your hair? Your clothing choices? Baby, you could wear a trash bag, have long hair - or even shave your head bald, I’d still fall in love with you all over again.” 

You giggle a little, making him chuckle, seeing that he successfully cheered you up a bit.

“I mean it, Y/N. I love you, and I’ll continue loving you, forever. Please don’t ever feel like you have to compare yourself to other girls, because you’ll always be the prettiest girl in my heart.”

Your heart felt like it was on the verge of bursting as you leant forward, kissing your boyfriend deeply. It was like all your emotions were expressed through that kiss. It was almost as if Shoto’s loving words washed away every single insecurity that has ever passed your mind in your whole life.

“Thank you so much, Shoto. I love you, so, so much.” You both grin as you placed your foreheads together, noses brushing against each other. 

“I want you to say it, love. Tell me you love yourself, and that you’re beautiful.” 

Your face heated up from the request, placing your hands on Shoto’s shoulders and trying to push him away, only to have your wrists caught by his strong hands as he leaned closer. 

“Come on, Y/N, I’m waiting,” he smirks at your flustered expression. 

You pouted a bit, before taking a deep breath, embarrassed from Shoto’s intense stare.

“I-uh- I love myself the way I am, and...I’m beautiful.” You squealed and cover your face with your hands after finishing your sentence, not used to those words coming out of your mouth.

A laugh escapes Shoto as he pries your hands away from your face, placing a kiss on your nose. 

“That’s right, love. What do you say we go shopping tomorrow, just me and you?” 

Your eyes brightened at the idea, and Shoto could feel butterflies flooding his stomach. 

“Yes!! I’d love that, Shoto,” You threw your arms around your boyfriend’s neck, burying your face into his hair.

He chuckles in response, leaning back and studying your face for a moment, making you confused.

Then, he takes your arms and pushes you back until your back is pressed against the bed, pinning them above you. His body hovers over yours, as his knee sneakily moves up to place itself between your thighs.

“But right now, let me show you just how beautiful you are, darling.”

[bonnieisaway]

that dumb saiki k fanfic i wrote but chapter 2

chapter 1 | story on wattpad

chp. 2 - not my intention

There was one part of auras that had always confused Aiura.

See, she was born with the ability to see auras and into the future and all that. Ever since she could walk and talk she could remember trying to figure out people based off their auras, learning what they meant.. Not only did auras reflect someone's personality, but they could also reflect memories they held dear, emotions they felt strongly, and even then her fortune telling let her tell so much more about them.

But there was one thing she didn't entirely understand, even now as a second year in high school. When she was 6 or 7, she started seeing a new part of auras. A red string.

A red string, in most contexts, connects two soulmates together by an invincible string tied around their fingers. When she was around 7 she noticed that her parents had one tied to each other. Some times she'd watch people pass each other on the street and notice them form. Red strings were a part of your aura and they had only formed when you had actually met your soulmate. Aiura had this come easy to her but what always confused her was why it took so long for her to see them. Or maybe, why did it take so long for them to form?

°·.¸.·°¯°·.¸.·°¯°·.¸.°·.¸.·°¯°·.¸.·°¯°·.¸.

Saiki sighed as he walked along behind his friends..and (L/n), who you could consider his friend, but it's up in the air if he'd say the same. As Kaido and Nendo bickered and Kuboyasu sided with Kaido, (L/n) fell back to walk next to Saiki. Her thoughts rang clear as she walked and scrolled through something on her phone.

'This feels kind of awkward..' (L/n) frets as she bites her bottom lip, momentarily glancing to Saiki. 'I wanna talk to him but he's giving off the "please let me go never interact with humanity ever again" vibe.' Oddly specific. Saiki almost wished other people could notice that as well. He supposed if he wanted to make a friend of this girl- get his likability up a bit- he'd have to take charge.

"Do you like the arcade?" Saiki asks her, turning his head to her.

"Yeah. I haven't been there in a while though.." (L/n) smiles and scratches the back of her head "Never have the time or money, haha.. how about you?"

"I used to go alot as a kid. But the games are all really easy now." Saiki shrugs, turning back towards the other boys yelling ahead of them as the arcade approached.

"Is that a challenge?" (L/n) grins. 'This could work perfectly..!'

Saiki smirks, looking at (L/n) at the corner of his eye. "Maybe." This could work perfectly...

"Hah, you're on!" (L/n) laughs as she begins to run ahead, dragging Saiki along by the wrist. Saiki shrugs to himself, letting her drag him along. (L/n) basically bursts into the arcade confidently.  "Alright! You seem confident so I'll let you choose a game."

"Ooh, you two are competing?!" Nendo asks, popping up behind the two "Let us choose the games! That way it'll be fair." He's dumb but he's right. Saiki cringes a bit- they're going to call attention if he wins too much. He'll have to moderate his powers.

"Here, let me choose first!" Kaido interjects. "(Y/n), follow me." His face turns red. 'Maybe she's good at shooting games! If I choose a game that she wins at, m-maybe..' Saiki didn't want to hear anything beyond that. It was pretty easy to see where that was going.

"O-Oh, okay! C'mon, Saiki!" (L/n) beckons as Kaido lead her toward some sort of zombie-shooter game. Generally, they were pretty easy as long as Saiki didn't get startled. Lord knows what happened when he used VR.

(L/n) grins and picks up the blue colored fake gun. "Come on! Longest one alive wins!" She smiles, bending down and inserting 200 yen. Saiki does the same and sets his bag down, picking up the toy gun.. it should be easy to moderate his powers and give her a fair fight here...

...is what he told himself. Saiki didn't necessarily play games like these very often, if ever, because he'll either jump and blow something up or he'll lose and nearly break a controller. Nendo stood behind Saiki basically screaming support in his ear as Kaido stood next to (L/n) with starry eyes.

And Saiki lost. Horribly. By horribly I mean he lasted about a full minute before dying when (L/n) kept going for another 3 just to tease Saiki. Which was fine. N̶o̶ ̶i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶. It was normal to loose at games. He'd just win at the next one so it'd seem normal.

He did not. Kuboyasu chose one of those racing games where the seat is the actual sort of motorcycle itself. The author doesn't need to explain herself here. They're pretty hard to cheat at with esp, but even then- Saiki and (L/n) alike were looking for a fair fight. Which they got. Which lead to Saiki losing horribly.

"Partner, come on, stop losing!" Nendo pats Saiki on the shoulder as he stands up off the seat with a face of- to say the least, discontent.

"Shut up." Saiki glares.

"Not so easy now, huh?!" (L/n) teases, shit-eating grin on her face. Saiki breathes out. He is a patient man. He is not going to get competitive over this. The only one that can beat him is him and he will win the next game.

..Why does he even care?

Kuboyasu chose the last game. It was one of those games where you threw basketballs into a hoop for a certain time limit.

...

...would you be surprised if I told you Saiki lost again?

Saiki huffed as the machine made some stupid loud sound as (L/n) best his score. This time it was not his fault. He is perfectly fine at throwing the balls and would've made all the shots if he wasn't distracted.

He wasn't sure why he was. But for a minute there.. he couldn't take his eyes off (L/n). The way she focused on the game and her face lit up brightly every time she scored...by the time Saiki had realized he was staring he had basically already lost. This wasn't like him to get distracted. Something was off today.

Kaido had pointed out (how horribly Saiki had lost, and-) that they should get going. They'd spent a while at the arcade. Everyone agreed- if reluctantly- and grabbed their bags.

Walking out the arcade and towards there homes Kaido and Nendo continue to bicker- probably about the latest Jump.

"Stop looking so smug." Saiki comments, irritated with the girl.

"Whaaaaat?~" She laughs. "I'll make it up to you. You like sweets?" She asks. Saiki nods (violently) causing (L/n) to laugh. "I've got some coffee jelly back at my apartment. You should stop by."

Saiki nods in agreement- mainly for the coffee jelly, only about 1/8 for (L/n)'s company- as she waves goodbye to the other boys. Her apartment was only a couple blocks from Saiki's place.

"Alright then! Oh, look, they're playing baseball in the park again.. Wonder if Satou's playing." (L/n) points out as the pair pass the baseball diamond along their trek home.

There's a loud 'clang' and an indistinguishable shout before Saiki realizes.

..That the ball hit his head. Right in the power limiter. Shit. If he were alone, he could just teleport home and have his dad or mom try and fix it but (L/n) is right here. He's got one choice, and he's gotta pray that it works...  

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"Saiki!" You screeched, as the boy fell forward and you just ever so barely managed to catch him before he hits the pavement. The ball must've hit him hard.. it even broke one of those hairclips he has. You set him down gently, picking up his bag and throwing it over your shoulder. You slide your arms under him and pick him up, standing slowly.

Jesus Christ. You forgot how heavy guys are. The last time you carried a guy was when (F/n) passed out on field day in middle school. Saiki wasn't heavy necessarily but you weren't necessarily Hairo level strong. You wanted to take him back to his house and tell his parents but there was a small problem.

You had no clue where he lived. At all. You knew he only lived a couple blocks away from you because Kaido told you but you didn't know where. So the best option was to take him back to your apartment.

What became a 10 minute walk home became a 20 minute walk as you struggled to carry the boy. He was knocked out, hard.. whoever hit that ball had to have gotten a home run. You wouldn't be surprised if the guy got two.

So after struggling for 20 minutes, nearly dropping the knocked out boy when you tried to unlock your door, and just generally regretting your decisions, you finally were able to plop the boy on your couch. Your tablet that you generally used for drawing was blown up with notifications from (F/n). Whoops. You set the tablet on your coffee table, calling him as you take the broken hairpin out of Saiki's hair, wanting to fix it.

(F/n) picks up fast, halfway through his English screaming as the connection struggles. "WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?! I'm losing sleep, woman!"

"I'm sorry!" You laugh, fiddling with the hairpin in your hand. The pink ball on top had come off and some of the pieces on the bottom of the inside fell out. "I was walking home with that Saiki guy and a ball hit him smack in the head. Broke his hairpin and he passed out. I'm trying to fix the hairpin now."

"...And the guy?" (F/n) hesitantly asks.

"Heavy as fuck." You snort. It looked like small computer pieces on the inside but, who are you to judge? The problem was now this was a jigsaw puzzle and you hated those things.

"(Y/n)!" (F/n) shouts, reprimanding you.

"Calm down, he's fine." You smile. "I gotta fix this damn hairpin though and you're gonna do your homework and sleep young man." You jokingly glare into the camera.

"Fine, MOM. Bye!" He waves and hangs up. You lean your back against the couch as you continued to sit on the floor, now too lazy to get up. There was 3 major computer looking chips which by some dumb luck, seemed to fit pretty well in certain spots. They 'click' in pretty easily and the small pink ball fits back on pretty easy.

"Well..that should be about right..!" You smile confidently to yourself as you hold up the hair clip in your vision. You stand slowly and hover over the sleeping boy before gently placing the hairpin back where it once was.

You observe him for a second as you stand up straight again. He looks.. peaceful while sleeping. He wasn't smiling but he wasn't necessarily frowning, either. Content, really. You smile as you take off his green lensed glasses and set them on your coffee table. They'll break if he sleeps in them all the time.

You wander off to your kitchen, finally picking up your school bad and setting it on your dinner table. You grab a snack out of the cabinet and begin looking through your bag, pulling out miscellaneous homework assignments. You catch a glimpse out your window- the sun was already setting..

You hear Saiki in the other room shuffle around as he seems to wake up. You grave a coffee jelly and spoon from your kitchen before wandering over to him.

The strawberry-headed boy had sat up on the couch, eyes looking around confused. Hey, that was a good nickname.

"Hey, Strawberry. You're awake." You grin. He looks up at you confused and you freeze for a second. His eyes..

You didn't usually see his eyes very clearly since, green glasses lenses. Even then you hadn't known him for long. But his eyes... they were a mesmerizing violet color that you couldn't take your eyes off of. Realistically speaking, they were as plain as ever. But for some reason you couldn't help feel your face go red. Who's the strawberry now, motherfucker?

"Where am I?" He asks you.

"My apartment. You knocked the hell out when that baseball hit you and I didn't know where you lived so I carried you here." You hold out the coffee jelly and spoon to him, hoping he'll get the gist. He does and takes the snack faster than you could blink twice.

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Saiki took the coffee jelly from (L/n) greatfully, momentarily forgetting about his limiter that, as far as he last knew, was broken. He had knocked himself out when he was hit for a reason- he figured (L/n) would call one of his friends or someone else to help. He had better luck leaving it up to luck when passed out then staying awake and nearly starting a tsunami cause he breathed wrong.

"Oh, by the way," (L/n) starts, "I tried fixing your hairpin. I tried my best." Saiki looks at her a bit confused before taking out the power limiter, and looking at it carefully...it was put back together just about the exact same way it was before it got hit..

"Thank you." Saiki turns to (L/n). She smiles and nods. 'Oh thank god I didn't fuck up.'

"No problem." She smiles. Saiki loses his train of thought for a second as he watches the girl's face brighten. He turns to set down the now empty coffee jelly cup down on the coffee table. He blinks for a second. His glasses are set on the coffee table.

(L/n) must've taken them off, but why wasn't she turned to stone? She should be frozen in place a long while ago. He picks up his glasses and stands up, putting them over his eyes as he throws away the empty coffee jelly cup.

His mind was racing. Was this girl a physic? Why was she immune to so many of his powers? Why was she kinda cute?

(L/n) interested Saiki. She wasn't affected by nearly any of his powers and he wasn't sure how to feel about it. On one hand it confused him highly and made him want to be wary on the girl, but the other part of him was interested in this girl. She was someone who he saw as normal, she wasn't a nusience like the rest of his friends. His chest felt light with an emotion he wasn't quite familiar with. The ever intriguing girl had ignited something in him that he wasn't sure what it was.

"You okay?" She asks as Saiki stands in thought. He hesitates, but smiles. "Hey, Strawberry, it's getting late. Want me to walk you home?" She asks, now with a shit eating grin on her face. Saiki, yes, the strawberry, feels his face turn warm and his heart skip a beat at the nickname. He wasn't sure why. He sighs to himself. He's overthinking things today. His pyrokenisis must be acting up since his limiter was out earlier.

"...Sure..but what's with the nickname?" Saiki asks.

(L/n) shrugs as she stands, walking to her front door and bending down to put her shoes on. "I dunno. It fits."

Saiki sighs at this curious girl and grabs his own shoes, following her out the door.

The two walk in silence as the sun sets, darkening the world around them. (L/n)'s thoughts are generally quiet. 'Fuck, I'm cold. I should've brought a jac- or not?'

Don't get Saiki wrong here. He's only warming her up cause he feels bad. They continue to walk in silence, until they stop in front of Saiki's house.

"This is my h-" Before Saiki can finish his sentence none other than is mother, Kurumi Saiki, comes out the front door, fretful about her son.

"Oh, Ku~chan! Where have you been, I was so worried!" Kurumi frets as she hugs her son close. Saiki sighs and squints his eyes at (L/n), who has a shit-eating grin. Kurumi turns around and spots (L/n). "Oh, and who is this lovely lady?" She asks excitedly. Saiki about rolls his eyes into the back of his head.

"I'm (L/n)! I apologize for keeping your son out for so long. He passed out when we were walking home so I took him home cause I didn't know where you lived." (L/n) scratches the back of her head awkwardly. Kurumi's face lights up.

Saiki cringes as his mother pulls the poor girl into a hug. "Aah, thank you for looking after my boy you're just so sweet I'm his mom Kurumi Saiki thank you so much for befriending him!" Kurumi gushes so quickly the author forgot to write punctuation.

(L/n) finally gets to breathe again when Kurumi lets go of the hug. "It's nothing, really," She smiles. "He's cool."

Kurumi starts to gush once more when (L/n) laughs awkwardly. "You're really sweet, Mrs. Saiki, but I have to get going."

"Oh, of course! I'm sorry for keeping you! Have a good night." Kurumi smiles.

"It's alright. Bye!" (L/n) smiles as she walks off into the night. He walks inside with his mother and takes off his shoes before walking to his room, sighing as he sits at his desk.

Why does he have such a headache..?

.

i apologize for any spelling errors! i’ve been writing without my glasses because i’ve been sick

[mirkwoodshewolf]

I see you; Castiel x reader

I just published this to my Wattpad and I thought this could be a good warm up for my tumblr people to see how well I’ve written for Castiel. Now this was heavily inspired by James Cameron’s movie AVATAR. When I saw the I see you scene when Neytiri sees Jake for the first time in his human state, I just couldn’t resist and not use this for our beloved Angel of the Lord (esp. now since I can officially call myself a Cas!Girl)  

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Relaxation was a rare occurrence for me and my friends, movie nights; those were extremely rare because sometimes me and the Winchester brothers just couldn’t agree on what movie we wanted to watch.  Luckily Castiel was the tie breaker and I was thankful that he always seemed to favor my movies and tonight I chose the movie that basically changed the entire game of movie making 3D effects, Avatar.

Luckily Dean didn’t seem to complain that much and Sammy already said that he liked Avatar when we got the chance to see it after working a case before we went back on the road. While Cas was completely entranced with the movie, especially the Na’vi people and the world of Pandora.

We were now at my favorite part where Neytiri finally sees Jake for the first time in his human state.  When I first saw this scene in the theaters I was crying, the effects, the music and the closeness that they shared at that moment it was—pure magic.

Like two soulmates finally seeing each other for the first time. 

“I see you” said Jake from the movie as he stared up at Neytiri.  She smiled down at him and I quoted her as she said at the same time.

“I see you”. A tear fell down my face and Dean scoffed at me saying.

“You have seen this movie way to many times”.

“Shut up!” I snapped as I threw a pillow at him. I sipped my beer and I kept my eyes on the TV as the movie was coming to an end.  Once the movie was over, I raised my hands up in praise and I said, “Can I pick em or can I pick em?”  

“God I hadn’t seen that movie in literally almost 10 years and seeing it again was just as amazing. The effects still blow me away even today”.

“I know right!?” I then turned to the fallen angel and I asked him, “So how did you like it?”

“It was very—entrancing. The way you humans can create such worlds with technology it’s…..heavenly”. I smiled at his choice of words then once we saw that it was around 2:45am we all decided to call it a night. As I was just about to hope into bed, a soft knock was heard at my door.  I walked over and opened my door and there stood Castiel.

“Hey Cas”.

“Hello (y/n)”.

“What’s up?”

“I couldn’t get over of the beauty of the movie you showed us tonight and I….I was wondering if you could show me more?”

“Umm….” I trailed off.

“It’s okay I understand, I mean you humans do need sleep and forgive me I’m still new to being human myself and I—”

“No, no, no it’s fine Cas. Come on in, lucky for you I’ve got some of the goods right here from both mine and my dad’s collection”. I allowed him inside and the two of us piled up on my bed and I gave him a full education on all the great CGI movies this far.

But as we were watching the recent Jungle Book movie, I had fallen asleep right on Castiel’s chest. I hadn’t mean to but exhaustion just overcame me and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t dreamed of doing that.

Ever since I met the Angel, I felt like I had died and gone to Heaven itself.  His deep ocean eyes and the loyal attitude that he had developed the more times he hung around us, plus his curiosity towards life around us always made him even cuter.

But ever since his fall from Heaven and completely lost all of his Angel mojo, he hasn’t been the same.  Everyday he’d just stand outside the Bunker just staring at the sky in solemn, longing to return home to Heaven.  So that’s when I decided to bring back up the movie nights that I used to do with the brothers to hopefully help cheer Cas up.

The brothers agreed to it and that’s what we’ve been doing for the past 11 months so far. Whenever there was a chance we could relax, we all sat down in the Bunker living room, made an entire pillow fort and played the movie that the majority of us chose (again that’s whenever we weren’t fighting about genres).

*Castiel’s POV*

As we were watching the recent remake of the movie called “The Jungle Book”, I felt something press to my chest and when I looked down, I saw (y/n) had fallen asleep on my chest.  As I watched her I couldn’t help but admire the peacefulness that she held whenever she slept.

Her features were always at peace, her brow that always held such stress whether during a case or worrying about others was finally at ease, and her hair flowing to one side of her almost like there was wind blowing through her hair. From the moment I met her, I’ve always felt this connection to her.

Like I never wanted to part from her.  I was always more protective of her than I was of the brothers, if I ever even saw one scratch on her even if it wasn’t fatal, I’d always feel such rage, like I wanted to smite down whatever person or creature had caused her harm. Do things to them that no angel would ever do less they risk becoming like Lucifer. 

I stroked through her hair gently brushing some strands away from her face and I kept her close to me as I leaned my head against hers and soon I found myself for the first time truly falling asleep with (y/n) safely protected in my arms. 

*My POV*

I should have seen this coming.  We thought it was be a simple one vampire catch that was located in El Paso, Texas but it turns out we were ambushed by over 20 Vampires.  And to make matters worse, one of them had started a fire in the apartment where there nest was and there were about over 100 people in this apartment.

Dean, Sam, Castiel and I tried to alert every one of the fire that was starting to come up. The building had quickly become engulfed with flames faster than either of us could predict and some part of the building was starting to come down.

As I followed behind the guys I swore I could hear crying.  A child’s cry.  Without a moment’s hesitation I raced back into the fire and found an open apartment and could hear the crying more clearly.

“Hello? Where are you?!” I jumped back and shielded myself as best I could from the falling debris. “WHERE ARE YOU!?” I cried out louder.  I walked further through the apartment until I heard coughing coming from the closet. “Hello are you in there?”

“Please help me! I’m….I’m scared!”

“Okay hold on sweetie I’m gonna get you out. Can you tell me your name?” I said.

“Henry”.

“Okay Henry sweetie I’m gonna need you to back away as far as you can from the door okay? Cause when I break it down it may fan the flames and I don’t want you to get hurt? Can you do that for me honey?” He remained silent then I said to him. “Henry sweetie I need to know you’re still with me! Cough twice if you understand”. I soon heard two coughs. “Atta boy, okay step back for me baby!” I waited for a brief second before kicking the door.  I kicked it a second time and then third times the charm the door fell in which fanned the flames. “Henry?”

He nodded.  I smiled at him and got inside the closet and introduced myself to him as I quickly grabbed him and picked him up in my arms.

“Now Henry, I’m gonna need you to keep your head down inbetween my neck and shoulder, don’t look up for any reason okay? I don’t want you breathing in any smoke, okay honey?”

“Okay”.

“That’s a good boy, you’re a brave boy Henry, okay hang on tight to me and remember don’t look up”. I covered him up with my jacket and kept him close to me as I left his apartment and tried to find a safe route out of the apartment.

But the building had gotten worse.  All the windows leading to any nearby fire escape were completely blocked by fire, any nearby stairway leading downstairs were either engulfed by a firewall or if I did open one, the other side was just engulfed with flames.

The smoke was getting too intense and I was coughing like I was trying to cough up my lungs. But as I heard Henry crying in my arms saying that he was going to die, I kept telling him that I wasn’t going to let him die.  Finally I managed to find a good enough stairway to take and I immediately took it and just in time to because as I passed under the doorway, debris completely blocked off my exit point.

I walked down the stairs until I reached the bottom level and kicked down the door and held Henry tightly to me but I was starting to get very light headed and I couldn’t take another step.  I fell to my knees and said to Henry.

“Henry—listen to me….I need you to be a big hero and run out of here as fast as you can” He looked at me confused and frightened but I said to him as I hazily pointed to his shirt, “Listen….I know you can do it. Be like Dash, I need you to run as fast as you can. I believe you can do it kiddo, be a little speedster. Can you do that for me?” He looked at me sadly but nodded and I hugged him tightly. “That’s a good boy now go—go” I then saw him race out and I could faintly see him leave the apartment and I smiled softly and felt myself fall backwards and I stared at the burning ceiling above me while whispering “Good boy, good boy Henry”.

*Castiel’s POV*

The brothers and I had led practically everyone out to safely but it was then I noticed that (y/n) wasn’t with us anymore.

“(Y/n) is not here!” I stated.

“Wait what? What do you mean she’s not here?!” Snapped Dean.  It was then we saw someone running out like a bullet out of the burning apartment and we all took notice that it was a small boy around 10 years old but he was gripping onto something tightly.  Something that I recognized instantly. 

(Y/n)’s jacket. 

I raced over to the boy with the brothers calling out my name and I knelt down to the boy and gripped onto the jacket and told him.

“Where did you get this jacket?”

“(Y/n) gave it to me, she’s—she’s still in there” the child said.

“(Y/n) is still inside!?” cried Sam fearfully.  My heart sunk as I turned towards the building and without hesitation I raced on inside with Dean crying out my name.

As I entered the building, the smoke was shrouding over the building like thunderclouds before a storm and the fire was greater than it was originally.  I called out for (y/n) until my voice ran hoarse.  Until finally I came by a doorway and saw black combat boots peeking out from the doorway.

*AN: You may need to pause the video just before Jake wakes up because I want the music to fit and you can skip ahead to where Neytiri goes up to the compartment and sees Jake*

I ducked away from the flames that flickered in front of the doorway before taking a leap and there (y/n) lay unconscious.  I quickly grabbed her in my arms and cried out as I shook her.

“(Y/n)? My (y/n)!” She remained unresponsive and I began to fear the worse.  I shook my head no and held her close to me and rocked her gently as I whispered to her, “It’s gonna be alright. It’s gonna be alright, I’m here. I’m right here my white dove”. 

Even if it was too late for her, I at least wanted her to know that she wasn’t going to die here alone.  I would stay with her and be engulfed in the flames myself to protect her. To let her know that she did not die alone, that someone was there for her. 

Suddenly something overcame me. 

I felt this sudden rush of power and grace within me again.  The smoke that once filled my lungs, vanished. It felt like I was breathing normal air again.  I felt something growing out from my back and through the light of the flames I could see black feathered wings.

My wings. 

Soon a bright light surrounded the entire room and soon exploded.

*3rd Person POV*

Firefighters continuously tried to douse the flames, Dean and Sam stood worriedly about their two friends that were still trapped inside.  That’s when they both recognized a familiar bright light that was forming inside and that’s when Dean yelled out.

“EVERYBODY SHUT YOUR EYES!!!” Soon there was a flash of bright light and the building exploded just as everyone turned away from the massive bright light. 

As the Winchesters looked up at each other they knew right away what that meant.  They quickly raced into the Impala and took off driving and as they drove, they both received a message through the radio from Castiel telling them to follow the bright light.

They soon saw a beacon of light just ahead and Dean stepped on the gas before finally spinning Baby into a parallel parking position.   

The brothers immediately got out of the car and raced up the hill until they soon saw their friend Castiel kneeling on the floor holding an ash covered (y/n).

“Cas are you?”

“Yes Dean, I’m back”. The brothers then looked down at (y/n) worriedly.

“Is—is she…..” Sam just couldn’t find it in him to even say it.  Castiel looked down at his true love and pressed his forehead to hers and whispered in Enochian.

“Awake my (y/n)”. He then placed his lips over hers and breathed air into her.  He stayed in that position for a while before finally separating from her. Suddenly her eyes shot open and she let out loud gasp before trying to regain her breath.  The brothers let out ecstatic smiles and laughs as tears of joy came down their face at seeing their friend alive once more.

But none of the boys could compare to the happiness coming from Castiel as he smiled down at her in relief and looked at her with loving eyes thanking that his kiss had saved her.

*My POV*

I was in darkness until I was suddenly brought back and I saw a forest surrounding me and as I tried to regain my breathing I saw Sam and Dean looking down at me crying happily. But as I looked towards Castiel who was still holding me, I noticed something different about him. 

There was this bright light surrounding him and I could see his wings.  Not just his shadow, but his full-fledged wings.  They were a beautiful black with a slight hint of blue hidden within them. 

I slowly reached out to cup his cheek with my hand and as soon as I touched him, I felt this sudden warmth embrace me.  I could feel it even stronger the moment he placed his hand on top of mine and was smiling down at me with pure love. 

I saw him. His true self.  Like two soulmates finally seeing each other for the first time.  Just like in Avatar.

“I see you”. I whispered softly. Castiel smile widened as he kept his hand on me and I noticed a tear fall down his face as he said to me.

“I see you”. He said to me lovingly.  He nuzzled closer to my palm before leaning down towards me and I leaned myself upwards as our lips connected once more in a kiss. 

Back at the Bunker, Cas and I were in my room snuggled up close to each other. Our bare bodies entwined with each other’s.  

My head resting on his bare chest and my hand drawing circles along his pecs, while his arms were wrapped tightly around me one arm kept secure long my waist and the other one alternating between stroking my hair or drawing Enochian symbols on my shoulder.

“I can’t believe you’d willingly sacrifice yourself for me like you did” I said.

“I would do anything for you (y/n). You are my One. The one that God has chosen for me. Even though I did not know it at the time”. I looked up at him and he looked down at me and he gently kissed my forehead gingerly. 

“I love you Castiel. From the moment I first met you” I whispered.

“And I you; (Y/n) (l/n). Daughter of (m/n) and (y/n)” he soon rolled me onto my back gently and hovered over me.  His hot breath gently caressing my face and every now and then I would feel his lips place kisses in various places all over my face. “I am with you now (y/n). We are mated for life”.

[lunebinnie]

(1/11)Oh my gosh yesss I'm glad that you like long messages too because I talk way too much 😂 (And yeah about my friend and just hanging out w/ her more that's exactly what I was thinking 😂) It's actually kind of funny bc just yesterday I was hanging out at her house and her younger brother needed to go to Walmart and I was like 'I've been meaning to go to Walmart, I'll take you' and ofc since I have a bluetooth radio adapter the whole drive I had my Spotify going with some quality k-bops, lol

2)And as we were driving I noticed him kind of jamming and I was like 'Oh my god Mickey do you actually like this???' And he was Like 'yeah, these are some good bops 👍' I was shooketh. I had to go home before I had the chance to show him any music videos but he says he's open to watching some with me next time I see him. One way or another I'm going to turn someone in my social circle into a kpop fan you mark my words ☝ and then maybe we can team up and try to work on his sister some more 😂

3)I only started first getting into kpop last June so I'm still very new, but it's definitely super frustrating how so many ppl act like it's an inherently bad or cringey genre of music just bc it's kpop! The stigma is ridiculous! I also started out with BTS (lol) and since they're pretty popular in the US at least I was able to be like 'See, this isn't just a niche thing, lots of people know abt and like this group' but of course my dad still says 'Just cause it's popular doesn't make it good'

4)And I'm like? You're a band teacher, you of all people should understand that music doesn't have to be in your native language (or even have lyrics) in order for you to enjoy it, but go off I guess... It's the same with one of my college friends. They make fun of me for liking kpop but this is coming from some who still treats March 22nd (the day My Chemical Romance broke up) as a day of mourning. Like, no tea no shade no pink lemonade, MCR was a good band nothing wrong with liking them.

5)But like if you're 22 and you still haven't grown out of your emo phase do you really have room to pick on other people for their music taste?  🤷 Anyway that's the person who follows my main that I didn't want to know I had a kpop sb. I think I made it around July. Tbh it was pretty dead for most of 2018. But like I said I've started using it way more since I recently revealed that it exists, lol. Especially since that good good Astro cb 👏💗😩 But honestly Astro is such a blessing

6)Idk how I lived so long w/o them. When I first got into kpop I was planning on just sticking to BTS since the reaction to me being into kpop was so volatile. I was like 'I'm only into one group, ppl already are negative about me liking kpop so I'm just gonna stick to this and not become a full on multifandom fan' and then in Nov I accidentally let myself fall in love with Monsta X and that plan was foiled. And realizing I wasn't gonna be able to stick to just one anymore opened the floodgates

7)And I was like okay in that case, let's just start getting into *all groups* Lol. My story of getting into Astro was actually bc of my best friend's roommate (can you tell I have like one friend and my whole social circle kinda revolves around her? Lol) so this roommate when she heard me being sad about having no kpop friends was like 'oh hey, I'm kinda into kpop' and it turns out she didn't like very many groups and was one of the ppl who blah blah BTS is overrated, which ya know isn't ideal8)But I was just really desperate to have someone to talk about kpop with. And Astro was her favorite so I was like, okay I'll get into them so that I have something to talk about with her! So I started watching some videos and I fell in love with them pretty much instantly! And I was real excited bc #1 now I can talk about kpop with someone! And #2 this group is actually amazing? Bonus! ... And then they got in a big fight about their living conditions and the roommate ended up moving out RIP

9)So that didn't work out, lol (Your story about finding them during that internship sounds amazing though! Haha) But yeah, so this is my first cb too! And although I love them w/ my whole heart and would have loved to have them in my life even sooner what an amazing cb to be your first! The concept was wonderful, the album was excellent, the visuals were to *die* for. They worked so hard and I'm so proud of them and I'm so happy we got to see their work come to fruition and get them a win 🤧🤧

10)The dance practices though? You're so right omg 💗 Me and my Rocky bias *fully* understand 😂 All of them are such good dancers?? I never fail to be impressed. Of course you know who I always end up watching tho 👀 lol (̶i̶f̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶h̶a̶l̶f̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶p̶r̶e̶t̶t̶y̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶R̶o̶c̶k̶y̶'̶s̶ ̶f̶o̶o̶t̶w̶o̶r̶k̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶a̶l̶m̶o̶s̶t̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶p̶r̶e̶t̶t̶y̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶e̶y̶e̶s̶.̶.̶.̶)̶ ̶ I also love how at the end they always pause all dramatic for a minute and then start screaming 😂

11)It's like? Amazing talent *and* dorky personalities? What more could you ask for? Lol. In regard to your last question though Unfortunately I also won't be able to see them 😔 I live in the smack middle of the US and since they're only going to coasts all of the venues are way too far away to get to. Esp since it's the school year and I can't skip class to drive cross country for a concert much as I'd like to (Holy lord I talked over twice as much?? Why am I like this?) Talk again soon! -ASA

Okay SO I’m very sorry I haven’t had the time to answer everything until now bc I’ve been busy studying for midterms and also I was a lil trashy today since my uni closed bc of freezing rain so I slept in but I’m glad that FINALLY everything got sent like damn tumblr you really don’t want us making friends huh. 

Yessssss I love the feeling of seeing someone else also get into the same interests! I’ve been pretty lucky in the sense that I grew up around mostly other asian americans, so kpop was never something that was considered super “weird,” like some people were into it and some weren’t but even if you weren’t you still would’ve been familiar with the more popular groups from when you were younger. Even now, I have a bunch of friends also into kpop (one of them is even my roommate) so tbh I was definitely the one in my friend group late to the party aha. Even my university hosts kpop nights at our bar and I’m pretty sure we have a kpop dance team as well? So tbh if I met someone new there’s probably like a 50% chance they’re into kpop or at least listen casually. 

Tbh I used to be a little bit judgy too but moreso because of the obscene amount of money I’ve seen some of my friends spend (no joke one of my friends has spent probably like $500+ on Loona stuff in the past month and a half and another friend bought like 5 copies of the same album for herself like damn idk how do you have that much money).

I also really don’t like it when people bash other people’s music tastes, since I feel like it’s something so personal? Idk but for a long time I used to be really self conscious about sharing my music with other people and even now I feel like that sometimes. For me after getting into BTS I kind of expected to get really into other groups since I was in Korea anyway and I was already listening to a lot of other artists casually. For me it started with NU’EST (fell for them immediately at the same concert that I saw Astro at) and then after was Astro, and then I just started slowly getting into other groups after that (even though I haven’t totally been able to get into Got7′s music they’re SO funny and I just kinda fell for their personalities  you know). 

I honestly think that they did such a wonderful job with this comeback too! I like seeing their concept evolve and mature but they’re not straying too far from their original cute concept so I feel like it’s a nice middle ground that’s very unique to them, you feel? Also I feel like the visuals especially and the execution of the whole plant concept was just done so well?? Even my friend who’s not in kpop was like “k idk who they are but that was the prettiest music video I’ve ever seen”. What are your favourite eras and songs? For me I’d have to say either the Spring Up or Baby era BUT right now my favourite song is probably Again/Should’ve Held On though tbh my mood and my tastes change like every few weeks loool. 

I have no idea why I tend to be most attracted to the dances rather than vocals or rap (maybe has to do with the fact that it’s something I’ve always wished I could do but have always been bad at lmao). But Astro’s stood out to me for the exact same reason! I just thought it was so funny seeing them all break character at the end because you really get to see how hard their choreos are and you get a glimpse of their personalities like damn, how can you not stan these dummies?

That’s really unfortunate that you won’t get to see them either :/ They’re also coming to the closest city to me but it’s on a Tuesday, but I *hypothetically* looked up flight prices and tried to see if I could get away with just missing a day of classes if I flew back in the middle of the night since I have some friends who did the same thing and drove down to Buffalo but I seem to have underestimated the size of New York State LMAO. But apparently my university’s too far from the airport so it’s “not realistic” (and also I’m hella broke from travelling to Taiwan and Japan while I was in Korea but that’s a minor issue ig). I hope we do both get a chance to see them live though! Who knows, after the success of this comeback I’m expecting a lot more cbs and world tours out of them ;)

[ace2light]

felt so down..

i wanted to talk to people so badly. by people, i meant those whom i am close with. super close with, esp him. i do have ppl whom are extremely close to me. but i dont dare to approach them due to as follows: 

poon: he is with his friends, he wont have the time to entertain me also, well, there were times i couldnt control myself and texted him, i got a single word ‘ok’, i know where i stand, i backed off. i switched off my phone literally. idw to have more disappointment in my alrdy bad and sad mood. rather than unknowingly text him and anticipate he would at least ask how i am. i rather not meet with such a disappointment. well if he knows that i am really trying my best to cope with my feelings and thoughts, he would auto read this without me telling him. cos if i dont spam him, i go to insta, if i dont go to insta, i come to tumblr. these are the ways i penned down how i feel and what i think when there is no one to talk to me, no one whom i can chat with. 

steph: in gasglow, i dont want her to be burden with my issues. she will know when she returns when we catch up anws. 

chanel and jiawen: we are drifting apart. they are the ppl i joke ard with but no longer the ones whom i find to rant about. as i always hang out with poon, i dw them to feel i treat bf more than i treat my bff. i dont want them ti feel they are spare tyre. 

sheena and sam: i scared i make them feel overwhelm with my issues. plus sheena is no coping well alrdy, idw to add to her problems. 

mum: she no longer is my close listening ears. i nvr tell her many things, in fact, i nvr say much about myself anymore, except rant about dad to her. other than that, nth. idw her to worry about me, esp my studies. i didnt tell her i wasnt coping well in school lately also. she’s too busy dealing with my dad anws. 

dylan: he is a gd friend, but then i am not comfy telling him too many things. 

xx: i lose the position to rant to him. before i got into a relationship, he was always there when i was feeling down. be it normal classes whereby i am feeling sad or stress, he will buy me oreo (altho he say his house got unlimited supplies, so many times, he think i believe meh). he can chat with me for the entire night when i was feeling so lost about some issues in the past. he takes care of me like a little sis. often he is the one who can notice i am sad and try ways to make me happy. i always treated him as my bro. he is like my younger/older bro. because of many reasons, i distant myself from him. i dont want poon to be jelly about xx and me, neither do i want to make xx feel sad, so the best way is to distant from him. 

it has been long since i felt like cutting myself. thankfully that feeling happens when i was on a cab, i have no access to pen knife. if not idk what would happen to myself. honestly, i just wanna just rot in bed tmr, i dont feel like meeting anyone, but cos i promise alrdy, i have to appear.. 

it is getting worst, i overthink. i overthink in my sleep also. idw to. idk how to tell my brain to gimme a break. i really wanna break free from overthinking. i even woke up from a worst case scenario about poon me and my parents. i was awaken by this dream today, it scares me but i didnt share with him. 

what i feel now. towards poon. yes, i am his gf. apart from saying ‘i love u’, he technically did nth thru out the entire day i was down. i understand that he is with his friend. but i am feeling too low to even be considerate about it. at least, talk to me abit? make me feel a bit btr instead of just ‘i love u’? i know u love me and you mean it, but in times of this, too much of such phrases makes me feel i am not impt. i am just a person whom you have to say ‘i love u’ to a few times a day. for so long, i havent felt so lonely on terms of texting. i am a heavy texter to ppl whom i am comfortable in. he is one of them. i always felt a bit sad that when i am awake, he is asleep, why cant fate let him have a normal sleeping time? i really wish he was at least awake to text me when i am on my way to school or in school.. yes, he blame me that i didnt call him up or wake him up, but certain things, it doesnt comes from me, it takes his effort, not just mine. i mean if a person is asleep, what for wake him up for a casual chat esp when the reason is i am bored? this is so unreasonable. 

just ytd issue. btn poon and me. when i started to put in more trust in him, he shakes it again. i trusted him to come meet me with monster also, in fact, i anticipated that, that was the encouragement i told myself, the only reason that keep me awake. the thought of my bf visiting me and delivering a drink i needed so badly that day. end up, he did come (make me feel i am his priority but i was guilty). before that, i was comtrolling my temper not to rage at him. honestly, what does he mean. well if i was in his shoes, it is very simple. come to the gf then meet his friends afterwards. cos he promise the gf to come alrdy, but didnt promise the gf to wait for her after her test. what was promise first should be carried out, what is so hard about it? for me, personally, whoever i made a promise with first, i go with the promise first. unless that person is fking impt to me, which is him, whenever he wants to meet last minute, i have to push some of my plans away just to meet him. i really hope he knows it is hard for me to lie all the time, i dont have so much lies in me to hide from my parents all the time. and in order to make a lie, i have plan ahead, if it is so last minute, i cant think of a perfect reason to lie. but he doesnt get it? he seems to take it for granted that i can meet him any time sometimes, that is what i feel. sometimes, i have to get back home early cos i cnt go home too late. one is my fears of going home alone late at night, second is i cant see shit at night, three my mum is worried for me too. one more thing, shouldnt he pull me into the conversation instead of asking me to try on my own? isnt it easier for him to pull me into a conversation with his friends rather than i awkwardly ask them weird qns? i just hate it when he force me to talk, and if i dont, he would get upset, like srsly, i didnt talk for a reason okay. 

well i do appreciate his efforts, waking up before i go and caring for me. but if he’s gonna ignore me or forget about me when he is with his friends, i rather he dont show me i am his priority. cos it is fking hard to deal with when he isnt there to reply me all the time, reply as in a continuous conversation not a single word of trying to brush me off, yes, it might be a form of acknowledgement of it to me. but then, if i rant to him, do i really need an acknowledgement? hmm, i doubt so. i hate spamming him my feelings my thoughts cos he reads but dont reply me one by one, i hate that. if i tell you my feelings and thoughts fking reply, rants, at least tell me sth instead of a word ‘i reply later cos i chatting or gaming with my friends’ is still btr than a word, but ofc, make sure he replies afterwards lah, if not the words has no meaning. 

it is so hard to not text a person whom you text all the time a day. it is not i didnt wanna text, i am so fking tired and disappoointed at the nonchalant, okay not even nonchalant reply, just a word answer seems like i am disturbing him and brushing me off. i tried to text him, but if i am gonna get a word, what for i continue, sometimes it is not i didnt wanna spam. it’s just i know he wont reply to every single thing, so i am avoiding that disappointment. it takes two hands to clap, he want me to do this, then prove to me, it is worth it. like spamming, you want me to spam, then reply everything lah, i know i say b4 he need not necessarily reply everything but who doesnt want to be replied, if not send for what? 

he always wanted me to text him ‘i want him now’, why would i text a person asleep that? does he knows how much courage it takes for me to ask for things i want?  for almost 10 years, i havent been living for myself, i live for others, i nvr really requested a lot of things. idk how and i fear rejections, imagine mustering tons of courage then got rejected. hell no am i gonna make myself suffer that. best eg, first time i asked him to bring me sth that is extremely out of his way for me, he came but didnt fulfil the things i want. seeing him makes me not angry but the sadness doesnt disappear. 

i am like this now cos i want him to talk to me, even if it is for 2 mins, show that he tries to understand how i feel now. but nah, nope, i had enough of dissapointment today. i aint gonna on my phone until tmr. if he is late for tmr, i am so gonna ignore him for a day. 

as much as i wanna blame him for having fun and forgot about me. but i cnt. 

enough of him.

what cause me so sad and down. it is like i am awake but i aint doing my work. i dont have the energy to do so. i am so tired of everything. 

academic failure. is extremely strong when i failed my CT. 

stress. i m dealing with so many in schools but no one exactly knows what i am going thru. 

home: i have to smile to maintain i am okay feels. one not to let my parents worry and not to anger them. 

friends: i dgaf about them alrdy. i dont have the mood to deal with them. 

him: i am just idk, extremely sad and dissapointed about it, how he acts/ treats me these 2 days, esp today. 

wtv happens next, tonight, i wont gurantee. whether i harm myself or not. i cant be sure. controlling it is so hard. death to me aint scary, what i am scared of is the sadness ppl felt if i harm myself. 

dont blame me to disappear. if he shown more effort, i wouldn't have disappeared due to sadness and disappointment. actually, would he even know i disappear? 

or maybe, i havent been okay, cos i felt neglected by him... apart from my parents, only one more person can me feel so dead when i am alrdy unhappy, which worsen my sadness. 

IF HE HAPPENS TO FIND TILL HERE, I SALUTE HIM COS I DONT EXPECT HIM AT ALL. which implies he knows how to find me when i dissapear. 

[fluffandlove]

my love life is very confusing atm, hell, I don’t even know what’s going on bUT things just got even more confusing

When I started uni, I had this girl in my class who I thought was really pretty and fun so we talked a few times, laughed together and we’d often sit next to each other. She made it clear to me that she was gay and it was obv she was flirting with me.  Long story short: she made me question my sexuality, I told her six weeks after school started and she went, “... Oh my god, why didn’t you say so??? I was so into you?? But now I’m dating someone else sorry. We can still be friends though ofc.” 

It felt like a slap in the face, esp since her saaalltty af gf -like I’m not kiding- hated me and refused to talk to me, even though she was a 3rd year and our mentor on top of that soooo idkkkk.  So that chick and I didn’t really talk to each other anymore, cause there was not really anything to talk about tbh, but she was still in our group chat so we’d exchange words every now and then 

The only times we talked it was her bitching to me in front of everyone else?????? like ???? okay? 

And last time I saw her was March 2016 when we went to a theme park with a huge group and she was a passenger in my car. Now, I’d literally had my licence for two weeks back then, it was the 3rd time I was driving that car, she was constantly yelling at her best friend in the back and it was a two hour drive to a place I’d never been before so... I think you can imagine that I wasn’t the best driver in the world and I knew she was judging me cause she kept saying stuff like, 

“Dude, don’t slam on the brakes like that” “Dude, the brakes in my lesson car were totally different-” “Eyes on the road” “I-” “Oh my god, you still look over your shoulder, that’s so cute” “That’s mandatory!” “Pfff, you missed our turn” “I have no idea where we are!”  “Then use the fucking navigation” “I am!” 

And afterwards she told every single person in our friend group that I was a sad excuse for a driver and “how the fuck did she even get her license. I’m never driving with her again bye”, even though my friends defended me with the same arguments I used, she didn’t care LOOOOL okay then 

HERE’S THE THING. 

SHE TEXTED ME THIS WEEK.

“Hey jo! how’re you? wanna hang out this week? have lunch or go for a drink or something?” “... Uh hi this is random? xD But sure” “Cool! So drinks?” “Suuuure, but this is so random, is everything okay?” “Well, geez, if you don’t want to go then that’s fine, too, I’m just asking cause we never hang out”

wooooow, chick. I think I have the right to be confused here xDDD Cause first thing i thought of was: she broke up with her gf and now she wants to make a move on me again buuut her profile pic on whatsapp and fb is still of her and her gf so that can’t be it. 

then I thought it was some kind of prank because she’s pretty childish but not that childish from what I know. 

welp I’m having drinks with her tomorrow soooo I guess we’ll see? 

aND LAST BUT NOT LEAST and this is gonna sound so very wrong and stupid and ugh but it happened. 

Halfway in my first year, this guy started crushing on me and he was kiiiindaa persistent and told everyone about it and made it very obvious that he wanted to be more than friends with me.  Now, I kindly rejected him. Three times. Cause he kept pushing and pushing until I was like, “Okay, if you don’t stop flirting with me, I’ll have to end our friendship.” to which he responded with, “Okay, okay, I’ll back off.”  Things were still a bit off every time we hung out after that caauuusee he touches me a lot, tries to initiate a lot of hugs (even though he knows I have trust issues with guys ahemmm), and gets inappropriate every now and then, but... he’s still a nice guy I guess.  

Today I saw him for the first time in a while and... Okay, he said that he didn’t do it on purpose, but hetouchedmyboob. 

and I was like, “... Dude, watch your hand?” “Oh haha, woops, didn’t meant to! I wanted to poke your arm!”  ALSDIFJKASF WHAT. MY ARM WASN’T ANYWHERE NEAR MY-  what 

And he started going on about us having to hang out again, just the two of us and I’m just... idk. things are getting fuuckkinngg weird again what even 

bye 

[scummzz]

i’m pissed.

read if u wanna, no pressure. idek if you read it or not i just need to get stuff out of my system ig. (lil message at the end for all of u who bothers to read all of it though (or just scroll to the end, idc, do what u want it’s 2018))

so. i really wanna confront this one person, well. these people. there’s a bunch of people i wanna confront, but i don’t know if it’s .. the right time? some of them are in my class, and in a way i am more mentally mature than them, due to everything i’ve gone through, esp over the past 3 or 4 years. some of the people i wanna confront are older than me, some younger. but i feel it’s wrong of me to confront them because i don’t wanna seem like a bitch? like i’ve already lost them, i feel, so i can’t do more because that’ll just cause them to dislike me more lmao

i also want to confront multiple people around me on why the fuck i’m being ignored. i don’t know what i did. i don’t know if i did anything at all, but distancing myself due to disassociating. and it fucks me up, and i hate it. i mean, i get it like why would anyone stick around when i keep distancing myself and when it seems like i can rarely be in a good mood? i get it. i totally do, it just annoys me when they’ve said that “oh, i’m gonna be here for you” and “i love you” like no. fuck off with that. if you are here for me, then fucking be here for me. don’t bail when i’m in a depressive episode. don’t tell me you love me when almost the first thing you do when i distance myself, is turn to someone else and end up ignoring me. don’t say that. don’t do that to me. i already have a hard time trusting people. don’t make it worse.

what’s worst though, is that it feels like i always trust the wrong people. like my ex and my former best friend from belgium. she, the girl from belgium, later said she “was in a toxic relationship with herself and she was obsessed with being perfect”. and both those relationships didn’t treat me right. with my ex, i have some good memories, yeah, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that he fucking hated the fact that i hang out more with the guys in my class than the girls. he fucking hated it. “don’t be around other guys and we’ll be fine” i couldn’t even have guy friends who lived over seas.

(ANYWAYS I’M FUCKING PISSED AND CRYING AND MY MAKEUP LOOKED SO GOOD TODAY FUCK)

um yeah. that pisses me off. also, i’ve had a couple people tell me to talk to my therapist about me disassociating and being depressed. i have already told her that (TW) i wanted to kill myself a few years ago. i described my depression as this: “it feels like i’m stuck in a tiny black box, and i don’t have problems with being in confined spaces. however, i am trying to get out but i can’t and it is around me at all times and it’s so dark i can’t see any light.” what i didn’t tell her is that that exact box covers me, at the end of every month. sometimes at the beginning and the end of the month. (i probably need to talk to my doctor and see what he’ll do with it)

also another thing i have problems with, is nicknames. i don’t have anything against most of them, i swear. the ones i do, however, have problems with are the ones that i find condescending. and when i find something condescending, you notice it, i hope. also, when i’m called “my everything”? NO don’t. my ex said that. i don’t like it, it felt like his entire life was about me when he called me that. i just overlooked it and didn’t have a nickname for him, it felt wrong and if i said something weird, he would make fun of me. another thing he called me, when i told him i’m half Korean, was “Jackie Chan”. don’t get me wrong, i love Jackie Chan, he’s amazing, but calling me that? “but you do karate and you’re asian” FUCK THAT. don’t fucking use jackie chan as a nickname for me.

as i mentioned earlier, in this fucked up rant, it feels like i’m being ignored. i don’t know why, but it hurts. i don’t know how many of you read the other long ass post i made, but if you didn’t, i think i talked about how i’ve been bullied, almost every year from 1st to 7th grade. that was horrible, yeah, but what hurt the most was that the guys i thought of as my friends, totally ignored me. they aknowledged i was there, as do so many other people, but that’s it. if i said something, they might agree or they just totally ignored it. and that keeps happening.

if i’m around more than two (2) people, say three or four, and i say something when it’s completely quiet, they aknowledge the fact that i said something, and then just go on with their conversation, making me sit there, feeling fucking useless. because i can’t keep up with their conversation. it annoys me, when i can’t say something in conversations. especially when they talk about something i know, something that i’m passionate about. but of course, i have to go through it in my head, at least five times and by the time i’m done analyzing what i wanted to say, they moved on to another subject. and it’s an endless cycle.

i actually talked to my therapist about that, and she said “well, what if you tried to just.. talk? you can go through it in your mind, at least two times and then you say it.” nope. not gonna happen for a looong time. but i have gotten better at it. i can say something after thinking about what i want to say, for that long. but the result is always fucking tragic, i swear to god.

anyways, i don’t know what else to say or do.

thanks for following me, guys. i already said this, but i don’t get how you keep following me. it’s wild !! i appreciate all of you, and thank you for supporting me and for liking what i post on this ,,,, strange thing i so proudly call my blog. i hope 2018 treats all of you well.

[alxxkim]

December 2

I’m currently listening to Overwhelming while eating candy corn Jin got me for my bday (so its been a month and yet) and I feel like I have a lot to say that I don’t have someone to tell to all in one sitting so here it goes. A few weeks ago I decided to stay at Biola for the spring but now I am having second thoughts. I am WAY happier at school away from my family/house and the thought of living at home 24/7 aka how summer was aka hell makes me actually want to kill myself. I really hope that there’s a chance Karina and I both go to Fullerton so we can have a place together.  It sounds so fantastical but also just imagining how amazing my life would be is just all I am looking forward to. I think that I am going to end up enrolling late and not get any classes I want because people have already signed up for classes and most are full lo l but yeah. I am suffering from writer’s block. I tried writing tonight and I actually started crying as I was singing but it just didn’t feel right. I really want to write songs that I can 100% sing-cry to and make it feel so right. I just haven’t found it yet.I wonder how Jon Bellion wrote these songs haha. His lyrics are just so fucking wholesome and relevant to so many aspects of my life. Listening to him tho makes me feel so fucking confused cause the first time I saw him, I was “happy” and brown haired and dating John and the last time I saw him in September I was black haired, single, and broken. I still am those three things. Work has taken over my life again.  I am scheduled Friday-Sunday for the next 2 weeks and as $$ as that made me think I was be, honestly it just doesn’t feel worth it right now. Granted, when I get paid, I will probably feel otherwise.  I’ve been telling myself and others that I am okay with things with John. I honestly can’t fucking tell what I am.  I obviously miss him. I am doing fine without him, I will keep doing fine without him, but I miss having that person. I guess it’s slowly transitioning to the point where you miss the feelings and not the actual person. But just typing that made me realize how false that is. I miss John a lot. He was so funny and caring and loved me so much. I honestly think I can now realize that he loved me just as much as I loved him. And I loved him so fucking much. Just being next to him made everything okay.  The night my mom found an empty cartridge in my room and messaged me about it asking and I thought I was done for, and all I did was just cry, John was just there and as terrified as I was, I was okay because of him.  I think its because its December and the holidays are coming and last winter was probably one of the best parts of my life so far. My 6 week winter break was full of shabu, Fiona, my new polaroid, and just freedom. I was so happy I had Sen Nick and Tyler. I was so happy I had my friends at home. Everything was just so nice. And I had the plan to go to slo with Faith before break ended, and it was just so nice. I miss that feeling of being so excited to see John again. As hard and fucking unfair the distance was being with him obviously made it worth it.  I wish I realized how unhappy John was.  But there’s nothing I could’ve done.  And I need to accept that so that I can stop hating myself for not being better.  Maybe I need to take the next semester off.�� Maybe I just need to find new things I could enjoy. I don’t think I want to go to Disneyland next week with my family. My sister isn’t talking to me again. I feel like the family is broken again but its just with me. I’m slowly turning back into the person I was during the summer. There are so many people in my past that I want to rekindle things with and just fucking get a meal to catch up, but I can never do that. I don’t want to talk about John I don’t want to talk about how unhappy and depressed I am.  But I am so tired of pretending like everything is okay. I feel like deleting all social media again. Looking on insta after shifts is just shit because I just feel this urge to fucking post but i have nothing to post because I spent my night inside working. Last night was really fun though. I got off work at around 11 I think and came home and showered and was just going to be on my phone for hours till I was okay enough to sleep. I knew Shin wanted to fuck haha but I told him that I felt like shit so he called me and asked what was up and why I’m depressed.  He actually listened even though I was barely telling him everything because then he would probably think I’m insane if he doesn’t already but yeah he told me to just focus on things I love and that it really helps. It’s so admirable how much he loves working out and playing basketball. But yeah we talked for nearly an hour until he decided to get me and I came outside when he said he was here and as I walked out i noticed he was outside walking to me and he gave me a hug and we drove behind Target and sat there for maybe like 30 min just talking and listening to jbel and the script LOL HE SANG THIS ONE SONG SO FUCKING LOUD he said hes never sung that loudly in front of anyone before hahaha i wish i knew what song it was but i will cause he plays it daily. i just hate asking so im gonna have to snake a peek at his phone the next time it plays. my toes were rlly cold and so he started warming my right foot with his hands and blew air into them a lot haha it was so cute and he gave me a dank ass fucking foot massage holy shit. it hurt like a bitch but in the best way possible. my feet/ankles are always so fucked when i work. so it was especially dank. I also didn’t wear makeup and he said I look better without makeup haha i was like ooooooooooooooooooooook but rlly yeah i was happy he said that especially because I’ve been wearing makeup daily because I just hate myself without it. But that day I had a bare face and actually felt okay. He kissed me and he kept saying how he loves kissing me so much. Omg and we made out to jon b like im sorry but it was fucking amazing. ok we also fucked to him too HAHAHAHA  And then kevin told us to cruise outside cydni’s house cause him paul and esther were smoking so we went and as we pulled up, paul looked at us through his open window and we both laughed in the same explosive way HAHAHAHAH and they told us to shut the fuck up jk they just sushed us ahahahah omfg. it was just too gold. i really don’t want to ever smoke in front of shin again but yeah I couldn’t just say no to weed haha so we hit a piece which burned the shit out of my throat and I was pretty faded I guess and shin kept coughing cause we werent hotboxing the car but it was still potent and i felt bad :( and he was like IS SECONDHAND FADED A THING hahahaha and esther had her juul so i hit that and then we left the car to smoke and i smoked a stoog. oh yeah so immediately after we got out of the car to walk to their car in the beginning, we were just standing outside their car as they were sitting inside and shin like immediately took off his jacket (the warm flannel we got at pacsun whom he loves) and gave it to me even tho he was wearing a tshirt and shorts ugh. i took it off before smoking cause i didn’t want it to  smell so he put it back on and he was like “you can wear it once youre done smoking” haha. and he offered to give it back on the way back to his car but i said i was ok. then on the drive to my house i stuck my body out the window to vent out the smell LOL and it was cold as fuck but felt cool esp with shin’s crazy ass driving hahahahah and i was like i wish you had a sunroof and he was like “yeah thats my bad” and i was like NO BITCH IM NOT TRYING TO COMPLAIN ITS NOT UR BAD I MJSUT SAYING lol and shin has told me how much he hates smoking and the extent of it and how its so unattractive to kiss someone whos smoked so im like welp but as i was getting out of the car he was like yeah fuck u u smell i aint kissing you and i made a pout as i was getting out and he was like no wait and he kissed my cheek hehe. and before that he asked if i was feeling better and i said yes and thanked him and he said yeah of course anytime in a tone like ofc bitch. haha i love when he kisses my head T^T but yeah i came home around 4:40 or however long it took to get to my house and I was happy and hickey’d up and i was just so happy we ended up doing that. 

i slept right before 7am and woke up like 11 so yeah i barely slept which is probably why i felt so off today. but i just stayed in bed till my hair cut which was at 2 and kathy was so shocked to see i cut my bangs LOL going on and on about how i never wanted bangs and then i do it and i WISH I DID NOT TRIM THEM LAST WEEK CAUSE THEYRE SO SHORT NOW CAUSE THEY WERE SO UNEVEN AND I LOWKEY HATE MY HAIR AND I WISH I DIDNT GET IT CUT SHORT UGH I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE but im gonna work with it and we’ll see.  I wanna change my hair color again but idk what to change it to.  Then i went to emily’s and we picked up at unity and smoked and caught up and she was doing her interior design homework and i had to leave cause of work which sucked cause i just wanted to actually hang out but i covered shin’s shift today cause he spent all day studying so im glad i got to help him out and if it were anyone else’s shift i would’ve hated myself lol. but he didn’t call me until like 1 or something but i knew he would call eventually and he said he wanted to finish his work early so we could’ve hung out but he has way too much and so we just talked but i could barely talk cause my bitchass sister always fucking goes off about how inconsiderate i am so yeah lmao but yeah and i told him i got off work early to which he said he knew cause i got home around 11 and i ate and he calculated it and theres no way i couldve eaten after getting off at 10:30 and got home HAHAH like he cared enough to think about that.... and then i told him i have work tomorrow 11:30-5 and he said then maybe he’ll come bring me boba 

i dont expect him to but maybe he will im so fucking over work

i cant believe its already sunday tomorrow and i have to go back to school for chapel i think.  fucking kill me. i just want to have free time