#especially as i am neurodivergent and CANNOT pick up cues of the life of me

[vizthedatum]

Just had an intense therapy session (it was great).

--

Insight about relationship anarchy (RA) and me sometimes being "purist" with my thoughts on it all:

I *am* poly by orientation - and for me, queerness and RA means that I don't need to conform to society's expectations of what a relationship is or what it means to me. Especially if that relationship is not just friendship. (I will just be talking about romantic-type relationships in this post.) (Ugh, even assigning a "type" to relationships makes me feel weird)

Being RA doesn't mean that I ignore my own needs, even if my own needs don't necessarily fit into my paradigm of what love *should* be or what RA *should* be.

It also doesn't mean that I try to conform to what *cue neurodivergent expectations of what patterns I've picked up OR what I think would help the people around me while ignoring what I need/want* I think I should do.

Maybe I can literally do RA the way I want to - even if it means that... I don't date unless I feel that magical feeling of love and alignment (with life goals... but also *that feeling that I would go to the ends of the Earth with you, in any circumstance (unless you abuse me) - that I would transcend time with you - I want to see you thrive/flourish/grow while I grow beside you*).

I think I've gathered a lot of information on how to sustain relationships and be loving.

"Love" still confounds me because... well, for me at least, "love" is random and terrifying. The people I've fallen head over heels, madly in love with... there was no rhyme or reason - it was that spark, that vibe. I have fallen in love with people without even trying. I have fallen in love with people when it was deeply inconvenient in my life to do so.

Love isn't about control, and sustaining loving relationships isn't about that either.

The only people I'm in love with currently... well, it's just me. (I know I'm still grieving and moving on from a past person/situation - the situation is over, and we are both different people now, presumably... but I fell in love with them in the past, and I didn't mean to. I felt that spark. I felt the magic. I felt the randomness. I felt that pull. (I freaked out almost the entire time. I should have saved my own heart and tried to gracefully end things, but I didn't. I don't regret the love, I suppose. It wasn't what I had envisioned, and I didn't want to chase that feeling. I don't. But I need to remember that falling in love is outside of my control.))

I don't need to have a reason to not want to date someone or be in a friendship/relationship with someone if I'm not feeling it. (The "it" that is the love I seek... CONFOUNDS me. It doesn't compute - yet it's what I want)

I yearn to feel that way again with someone. I don't want to "logic" myself into a relationship with someone I feel like I *should* be in love with (I think that's what was tripping me up). I love many people, but romantically, I think it's different. Even sexually these days, it feels different. (And I'm only just processing all of this now in my thirties, sigh. Being trans has a lot to do with this, I think)

So hmm, where am I at currently? Here it is:

I don't *love* any of my exes. I have love for many of them - the ones who are my friends - I will tell them I love them. But I am not in love with them in this significant romantic way. I don't feel that *love* (I hate that I'm characterizing this love but here I am. And I feel good about it too, ugh.).

I don't have anyone in my life right now who would want to work towards my own personal relationship/life goals with me: nesting and having a baby together; long-term companionship; autonomous but comingled living.

I do love myself, and I'm working on understanding that relationship to myself EVERY DAY.

My heart is open, but I cannot love, date, or commit to anyone unless I have already fallen in love with them AND I feel that love that's beyond love (as mentioned above) AND I am not going to be madly in grief about how they fit into my life within my life goals. I have decided that if you date me, you automatically date me AND my current/future children - full stop - if I become a parent and we're in a significant *love* relationship, you are signing up to be a co-parent even if you're not the biological parent (even if you didn't intend to be a parent, even if there are multiple people involved, etc.). I can't back down from that, and I am going to be a parent as soon as I financially, logistically, and physically can be.

[tgautism]

Introduction Q&A

I found some excellent Autism-related questions on @neurowonderful​‘s blog that might help people understand me a little better.

1. When did you discover that you are Autistic? I was almost 16 when I found out.

2. What are your favorite stim toy(s)? If I'm wearing a fluffy sweater, I will use that to stim. If I'm not wearing a sweater, I have a shawl that feels just like a sweater that my aunt knitted for me. I also have a bunch of crochet blankets that feel like sweater. I call them sweater blankets. Anything that feels sweatery is an awesome stim toy for me!

3. What are your favorite stims? I love rubbing my hand against my sweater/shawl/sweater blankets, rubbing them against my face, or cuddling with them. I also repeat the word “sweater” in a funny voice, or I squeal softly.

4. How do you calm down after a meltdown? My meltdowns usually involve sobbing, or if I'm having a meltdown triggered by anxiety, heavy breathing, stammering, or freezing up. Sometimes, I vacate to a room where I can be alone if I can, or if someone comforts me, that calms me down, too.

5. What method(s) of communication do you prefer? I prefer speaking with my voice.

6. What are your special interest(s)? Music and writing, but especially music!

7. What kind of sensory inputs do you find very unpleasant? Okay, this is going to be a long answer, because there are a lot of negative sensory imputs for me. You've been warned. Clothing-wise, I can't stand wearing pants or jeans. They feel very confining and unbearably uncomfortable. Shorts are okay, but they have to be lose and elasticated. I also hate wearing buttons and zippers, hate it with a passion! Zippers are uncomfortable. I don't like the feel of them against my body. Even more, I hate buttons! I hate touching them, feeling them against my body, looking at them, and I even hate the word itself. For me, they feel gross! Other negative sensory imputs include loose change, small metal objects, and doorknobs that make my hands stink. I hate metallic smells, and I cannot stand jingling sounds, like loose change, keys, and heavy tambourines in music. I can handle Christmas jingle bells. They don't bother me. I have other sensory issues, but this is already long enough.

8. What kind of sensory inputs do you like the most? Anything sweatery!

9. What are your thoughts on self-diagnosis? I don't see anything wrong with it if you really do your research. My aunt was the one who diagnosed me. She has two Autistic sons, and she's done her research.

10. What is one thing that you wished everyone knew about Autism? I wish people would understand the importance of patience and acceptance. It really hurts me whenever people get frustrated with me, especially people I care about, because it makes me feel ashamed of myself. It makes me feel like I'm burdening them, and it makes me feel like I did something wrong. It can really take a tole on your self-esteem when it happens over and over. I also wish people would stop trying to “cure” or “fix” us. We're not sick, and we're not broken. I'm not saying we don't need extra help with our struggles, because we do. However, there's a difference between helping us and fixing us.

11. If you could repel one myth about Autism, which one would it be? Autism is not an “epidemic,” and it is not caused by vaccines! Even if it was, that doesn't mean we're broken or messed up! Stop trying to find the “cause” of Autism, so you can find a “cure.” Instead, listen to our stories, and don't brush us off like what we say means nothing. We just want to be accepted and loved. Is that asking too much?

12. What are some of the things that allistic people often expect you to do that make no sense to you? I've luckily never had to deal with any of that yet, not that I can recall.

13. How do you feel about being Autistic? I'm going to say it like it is. It's a pain in the ass sometimes, but it's also awesome!

14. Describe a place/room/situation that would be sensory heaven to you. My favorite music group of all time is Celtic Woman. If I ever went to a Meet & Greet, and they were all wearing fluffy sweater dresses, I would think I've died, and gone to sweater heaven, especially if they all pulled me into a big group sweater hug! You'd have to surgically remove me from them!

15. Describe a place/room/situation that would be sensory hell to you. My high school graduation is a perfect example! Our gowns zipped up in the front, and of course, I hated it! I had a major meltdown, but I couldn't take off the damn gown. I was in hell throughout the whole ceremony, but I was so relieved when I finally got to take off the gown. Another example is when I was seeing a psychiatrist as a teenager, he didn't understand my sensory issues, and thought the only way for me to “get over being afraid of” buttons was to make me wear a shirt with buttons on it everyday for about a half hour. It didn't work at all. It only made me miserable and ashamed of myself.

16. Do you have any mental illnesses/other kinds of neurodivergence? How do they interact with/affect your Autism? I don't have any other neurodivergences, but I am visually impaired, which means I can't see very well. It often clashes with my Autism, and makes some tasks even more difficult than they would be if I only had one or the other.

17. Do you prefer person-first or identity-first language? Either way is fine with me, but I totally understand why a lot of Autistic people prefer identity-first language.

18. What are your Autistic headcanons? I have no idea what the heck an Autistic headcanon is! If I find out what it is, I might update this answer.

19. Are there any books/shows/movies that you would recommend to other Autistic people? I am actually writing my own book, an autobiography, and it explains my struggles with Autism  and my visual impairment. I guess I would recommend that when I finally finish it, because maybe it can help them in one way or another.

20. What are some of the Autism-related problems you often have in your everyday life? Some of the people in my life get frustrated or impatient with me when I display one of my Autistic behaviors. I know they don't mean to, but it really makes me feel bad when it happens. I feel like I did something wrong, or like I'm a burden or embarrassment to them.

21. What are your favorite Autism-related blogs/websites? I actually don't read a lot of blogs, but there are a couple of amazing Autistic YouTubers I love to watch. One of them is Amythest Schaber, who has a series on her channel called “Ask an Autistic,” where she explains different Autistic traits. The other one I love to watch is streamofawareness. Her real name is Cyndi, and she's actually one of my best friends. She explains all of her own Autistic traits, talks about her struggles, displays her traits on camera (stimming, meltdowns, shutdowns, etc), and she has a beautiful singing voice! I highly recommend you guys check them both out on YouTube! I've learned so much about myself and my own trails, because of them!

22. What do you like about being Autistic? I love that I have special interests, and a deep passion for them! I also just love being different. I used to be ashamed of it, but over the years, I've realized that it's okay to be different. If I'm not hurting anyone, I can do what I want. I've learned to take it as a compliment when people call me weird. I am weird, and I'm proud of it!

23. What do you dislike about being Autistic? I hate meltdowns and shutdowns. I hate that I get my feelings hurt more easily. I hate that I feel guilty over things I shouldn't. I hate that I feel stress more, and can't handle it very well. I hate that I can't pick up on social cues, and can't always tell if someone is joking or not. I also really hate that I can't take criticism very well. In fact, that's one trait I'm stil very ashamed of, because as a musician, people are going to criticize me. All these negative traits have let to so many people telling me to grow up, toughen up, deal with it, get over it, or that I'm getting upset over something stupid. I've had to deal with so many people shaming me for my behaviors, and I really hate that. I've had so many friends turn their backs on me, and so many relationships go up in smoke due to it. I really wish people could learn to be more accepting and patient.

24. If there was a cure for Autism, would you want to take it? Hell no! You know what I want cured instead? Ignorance! Cure that instead, because I'm not the sick one here!

25. What topics are you most likely to infodump about? Celtic Woman is probably the biggest one for me! I'm such a huge, huge fan of theirs that I keep up with the latest information on them, and I know so much about them. If you were to ask me to talk about them, I would never shut up!

26. Are there any stereotypes about autistic people that you fit? I would say the one I fit is that Autistic people are intellectually disabled. Obviously, that is not true for everyone on the sepctrum, but it sort of is for me. There are some subjects that my mind just cannot grasp, which is why I struggled so much in school, and even moreso in college. To get me to understand them, you'd have to dumb it down, and sometimes, even that wouldn't work for me. Some things are like Jibberish to me.

27. Which ‘social rules’ do you often have trouble with? I cannot, CANNOT, handle eye contact. A lot of Autistic people can't. For me, eye contact feels very invasive and overwhelming. It's even more uncomfortable for me, because one trait of my visual impairment is Nystagmus, which means my eyes wiggle, bounce, and move around a lot. It's because my retina is messed up, and it's very embarrassing for me when other people see that. It's even more embarrassing when they point it out.

28. Can you pass for neurotypical? Nope, but I really don't care.

29. Have you had any previous special interests? What were they? I used to love to draw and color. I haven't done that in a few years. Now, I like to create art on my computer.