#especially cause canonically we don’t know what happens to Una

[sheriffspookypants]

Ok SNW we get it you can write scary high pressure tense episodes PLEASE give us a light hearted ‘the trouble with tribbles’ -esque episode I cant keep white knuckling my chair every week im gonna pass out

[aegor-bamfsteel]

So GRRM apparently said Bittersteel and Calla didn't have children, what do you think about this new information? What could be the reason for them to not have any child? Is it possible for either of them to have bastards? How does this information affect Aegon Blackfyre theory?

These are all fantastic questions, anon, and ones that my very patient followers/askers in my inbox have been waiting for me to talk about! I’ve been out of the loop on new asoiaf info due to feeling a little bummed out with fandom for a few months, so GRRM’s Summer 2018 interview actually slipped under my radar. I didn’t find any print transcripts of it when I did a hasty Google Search, so here’s a reddit thread talking about the revealed information; the only part that’s relevant to my answer is that when asked if Bittersteel aka Aegor Rivers had any offspring, GRRM replied with “No, I don’t think so.”

And now, to answer your questions under the very long and probably wanky cut:

Question 1: What do I think about this new information? Well, what GRRM said is a little different than Aegor and Calla not having children; he specifically said he thinks that Aegor probably didn’t have children. We have to consider whether or not GRRM would give out highly plot-relevant information in an interview years before the possible Big Reveal, so he might simply be lying (although I don’t recall whether or not he has directly lied before in an interview). Yet assuming this is the truth, I’m personally rather disappointed that Aegor probably didn’t have children for a few different reasons. Not because I support a theory with a ton of gaping holes in it that nobody else likes to talk about, but because I like Aegor Rivers as a(n idea of) a character and a lack of a close family life is just another personal tragedy of his.

However, the idea that Aegor never had sons (that reached fighting age/were able to fight) is from my point of view pretty clear from the text of twoiaf. I had pointed out to warsofasoiaf prior to making this account that the fact that Aegor’s sons were never mentioned in twoiaf is a strike against the Aegon Blackrivers theory; we don’t know much about Aegor, true, but we do know about his devotion to the Blackfyre cause and how Blackfyre family members personally fought in the rebellions in Westeros, so it would be out of character for Aegor not to have any putative able-bodied sons take the field. While perhaps they were too young to fight in the Third Blackfyre (especially if Aegor’s wife was in fact Calla, at least 13 years his junior), there is no excuse why they were not mentioned fighting alongside Daemon III or Maelys. The way Yandel describes leadership of the Golden Company is another strike against Aegor having sons or even later descendants; he writes that until Maelys the leadership was held by the descendants of Daemon Blackfyre rather than Aegor Rivers, and if the leadership was as nepotistic as Yandel implies, you’d think male descendants of Aegor Rivers would be the among first ones acclaimed captain-general after 241. But all of the known captains-general were Blackfyres rather than Aegor’s descendants (there was no way Aegor’s descendants would’ve been allowed to take the surname Blackfyre given the fear that he was wielding too much power over the cause, as both Daemon II’s failed Rebellion and Aenys’ arrival in Westeros demonstrates). I find it implausible that if Aegor Rivers had descendants the Golden Company would’n’t’ve known and kept them as safe as possible in anticipation of them at least joining the Company, if not fighting for the throne (certainly older exiles like Harry Strickland use their exile ancestry as a form of seniority over others, and a Bittersteel descendant would surely use his ancestry in Company politics).

But I would’ve liked Aegor to have had daughters. I think it could’ve been a bittersweet parallel to the Bracken sisters; that the sexual violence done to them by Aegon IV would give rise to women proud of their female ancestors who sought revenge on the Targaryens. After Aegon IV tortured and executed Bethany and her father and lover, Bethany’s lover Terrence Toyne was avenged by his biological brothers who killed Aemon the Dragonknight, but who was there to avenge her? She had no biological brothers, only a sister who had a son who grew up to spend his life trying to kill and displace Targaryens. It seemed that nobody cared what had happened to Bethany but Aegor. But if Aegor never had children, that lineage is dead and the cruel injuries done to Bethany and Barba can never be avenged by a direct descendant.

It’s just one more horrible thing that happened to Aegor Rivers, a character whom I admire because of his continued survival despite all odds, and it makes his character less interesting: Just like his mother’s, Aegor Rivers’ life was an unending string of tragedies; a permanent exile from 2 weeks old, at age 6 his aunt and grandfather were murdered by his sperm donor without due process, he was raised close to a disputed territory (the Mother’s Teats) that bore the scars of Targaryen cruelty (Daemon Targaryen’s dragon Caraxes had burned Bracken land in 129), and that’s not even getting into what the Targaryens/Brynd3n Riv3rs did to his chosen family the Blackfyres (they essentially slaughtered Daemon and his descendants like they weren’t human). I’d just like some hint that he could’ve been content; that maybe he was more than just an enemy for the Targs/Brynd3n Riv3rs to beat down over and over, but a character with his own life and loving bonds outside of war and tragedy. The idea that he had a wife and daughters introduced a possible different dimension to him; his descendants would’ve been a physical manifestation of his survival to live on in the face of hardship. Yet assuming GRRM speaks the truth, he was just as miserable in his personal life as he was in his dealings with Westeros.

Aegor Rivers having offspring would’ve further made him a foil for Brynd3n Riv3rs. Not because I don’t think Brynd3n Riv3rs didn’t have offspring (although I do believe he was childless), but because BR is very much associated with death and destruction. Every time he’s mentioned in D&E and aDwD, he is compared to a corpse. Each institution the Powers That Be put him in charge of he utterly ruins or dishonors, whether that be as Hand, Lord Commander of the Wall, or the Last Greenseer. By contrast, Aegor Rivers is shown to be a creator of institutions, founding a mercenary Company unusually known for its dedication to discipline, brotherhood, and honor. If he had had children, it would’ve forced the Aegor=life Brynd3n=death symbolism even harder, as Aegor would have physically created a bunch of children who lived beyond his own lifetime.

It just irritates me that GRRM seems to care so little about Aegor that he might not have even thought about him having children. That’s another interpretation to GRRM’s “I don’t think so” answer; that he put so little thought into the life of one of his more influential historical characters that he wasn’t even sure if he’d sired offspring (this is assuming, as I do, that Aegor’s possible descendants aren’t really relevant to the plot of asoiaf). GRRM has answered with “I’m not sure. I need to check my notes” to some questions about his secondary characters, such as where Oberyn Martell was during Robert’s Rebellion; and as of late he seems to have had trouble keeping his facts straight (he endorsed Elio Garcia and Linda Antonsson writing twoiaf because they apparently knew canon better than he did. Which does not make me hopeful for future book releases), but he doesn’t seem to have even had notes on the subject. And either in the same interview or one shortly before/after, GRRM confirmed that in the face of all logic, Brynd3n Riv3rs was allowed to take Dark Sister with him to the Wall despite being a criminal to the Crown with the only Valyrian sword the Targaryens had in their possession. So not only did GRRM flatten and dismiss Bittersteel’s character, but he further nullified one of the few times Bl00draven ever got comeuppance for his atrocities. There’s no sense of balance to their conflict; everything somehow goes BR’s way while BS is condemned to live a life of misery and fade away into nothing. And, contrary to what GRRM likely wanted, this double standard only makes me pity Aegor more and pray for BR’s painful death.

Question 2: What could be the reason for [Aegor and Calla] not to have a child? We know so little about what happened between Aegor and Calla that I think it’s best to look at what we do know—that shortly before the First Blackfyre Rebellion, Daemon I agreed to wed Calla to Aegor—and then examine possible answers to the outcome of Aegor+Calla being childless. Solutions that I can think of, in order of how plausible I think they are:

The marriage was never consummated: Aegor had a Targaryen sperm donor, sure, but he was raised by the Brackens and spent his life fighting against Targaryen supremacy. The idea that incest (one of the most obvious parts of Targaryens believing themselves above others) disgusted him isn’t impossible. That Calla was at least 13 years his junior and knew him since she was a child could’ve disgusted them both further. Also, Aegor was often away fighting in mercenary companies, which decreased the amount of time the two spent together to consummate. Therefore they could’ve had a sham marriage meant only to bind Aegor and the Blackfyres closer together. However, I consider this the least likely answer because 1) Yandel implies that Aegor suggested the marriage in the first place and 2) Aegor is characterized as being very focused on the Blackfyre Cause to the point of losing many of his scruples by the Fourth Rebellion (referring to his ineffectual alliance with Torwyn Greyjoy, a traditional enemy of his Riverlands home), so he’d hardly balk at uncle-niece incest.

Either Aegor or Calla were biologically unable to have children: If this is true, my money is on Aegor, since female fertility in GRRM-land seems to be passed on from mother to daughter. They stayed married until Aegor’s death in 241, and because Calla was 45-56 at the time, she never had any other children.

Calla died before she could have children, perhaps in childbirth: I hate, hate, hate this possibility since it reduces and then fridges a female character for her ability to bear children, but given GRRM’s track record of killing off married female characters in childbirth, it’s a plausible explanation. Aegor never remarried after her death and so also died childless.

Daemon I only agreed to wed the two; he didn’t even officially betrothe them, let alone had a wedding. Thus the marriage never took place at all because…

Calla died before they could wed. I also hate this possibility for creating and killing off a female character to be a cheap red herring, but again I wouldn’t put it past GRRM. In this instance, there’s a historical parallel in the figure of Princess Louisa Stuart, James "the Old Pretender” Stuart’s sister who died unmarried at age 19 from an outbreak of smallpox that struck both siblings. The same results ensued as in part C.

There was no political advantage for it to occur, so Calla married someone else: If you think Aegor was a bad match for a would-be Princess when he was a landless knight dependent on the charity of the Brackens/Blackfyres, think of how much worse he was as a landless exile in a society where knighthood and birth were largely irrelevant, he was geographically and doubtlessly monetarily cut off from the Brackens, and the Blackfyres themselves were desperate for wealthy allies. Although Calla had at least two other sisters (Calla was the eldest rather than elder daughter, implying that she had more than one sister), Rohanne was not going to waste her marriage potential on a penniless sellsword while the Targaryens were trying to curb her influence in Tyrosh via wedding two of their princes to Kiera. No, Calla and her siblings needed to make matches with powerful Tyroshi or other wealthy Essosi families in order to get the funds, ships, and armies to invade Westeros. Remember that Aegor’s chief strength, the Golden Company, didn’t materialize until 212 when Calla was 16-27 and very likely already married to an aforementioned noble.

Calla had children and her descendants still live in Tyrosh: GRRM’s response doesn’t indicate that Calla never had children, especially since it wasn’t made clear that she and Aegor even married. Bear with my tinfoil for a second, but her name indicates that she did have children. We’re supposed to pay attention to Calla’s name because it’s non-Valyrian, unique in book!canon, and above all, a flower name. GRRM loves his flower significance, most famously with Lyanna’s blue roses (unattainable, mysterious, rare beauty) but also with Jonquils (desire, vanity, a happy marriage) and the white water lilies of Maidenpool (purity, peace, spiritual enlightenment). In Calla’s case, the calla lily is a symbol of peace, Christ’s resurrection, and rebirth in the springtime. It’s also known for being able to survive harsh elements and is an odd misnomer (technically neither a calla nor a lily, but its own genus). Considering the strong rebirth connotations calla lilies have, I believe that Calla is the most likely Blackfyre child to have living descendants. That’s not to say that she is the only child of Daemon I to have them (see section 4.4.1 for further speculation on that front), but the implications of her name plus general Nominal Importance (she’s the only Blackfyre descendant we know of not to die horribly and she’s the only named female) indicate that she’s the person through which the Blackfyres survived.

Question 3: Is it possible for either [Aegor or Calla] to have bastards? If 2b is untrue and both Aegor and Calla were fertile, then it’s certainly possible for them to have bastards. After all, we know little about Aegor and even less about Calla. There are rumors that Aegor was in love with Shiera Seastar, and he was so often away from Tyrosh that it’s possible he had an extramarital affair. As for Calla, it is less likely for her to have a bastard (you’d think that if she did, Yandel would’ve mentioned it to discredit Aegor and the Blackfyres even further), but I guess it’s possible for her to have been like her grandmother Daena in that respect. But is it likely? I don’t think so. Maybe it’s just my headcanons firing away, but my idea of Aegor is someone who’s incredibly insecure about sex/sexuality due to what happened with Barba and Bethany; ergo, I don’t believe he would have recreational sex with a woman not his wife. As for Calla, she was part of a family under a lot of pressure to behave appropriately so as to give neither the Tyroshi nor the Blackfyre exiles cause for complaint. I do believe she had legitimate children (see 2.4.2), just apparently not with Aegor.

Question 4: How does this information affect Aegon Blackfyre theory? Compared to GRRM’s answers regarding other fan theories, this one is a pretty direct NO GO. Granted, it’s somewhat cagey (he simply said he probably thinks Aegor he didn’t have offspring, not any other Blackfyres), but think about how he’s responded elsewhere:

Example 1: When asked about Jon Snow’s death, he responded with a dry “You really think he’s dead, do you?” so he’s not afraid of acknowledging a twist most readers already anticipated.

Example 2: On a more important and impactful theory, R+L=J, he refused to confirm or rebut any useful information; specifically, when asked if any Stark other than Ned had children, he said that Benjen was at the Wall, Brandon could’ve sired Snows, and Lyanna died. That non-answer regarding Lyanna was often toted as evidence in favor of R+L=J until the show confirmed it in Season 6.

Example 3: When asked on his blog whether or not those who believe Sansa Stark and Jon Snow will reunite and get married/rule Winterfell together by the end of the series are right, he responded “Not going to say anymore than I have already” which is not the outright dismissal a supposed crackship (or not so crackship, as he’s outright dismissed more popular ships before) would’ve merited.

Thus: GRRM could’ve chosen to avoid or subtly answer the question like he did in these three examples, but he chose to outright confirm that Aegor likely didn’t have children. Up to this point, the most popular subtheory of Aegon VI’s alternate parentage was that he was a descendant of Aegor and Calla, based on Illyrio Mopatis’ claim that Maelys was the last male-line Blackfyre and the fact that Aegon VI has the support of the Bittersteel-founded Golden Company. Now GRRM’s response seems to have brought that theory down; Aegor had no children, so Aegon VI could not be his descendant.

However, rebutting Aegon Blackrivers is not the same as rebutting Aegon Blackfyre. There are several of Daemon’s children who are not confirmed to have died childless: Haegon had at least three sons who may’ve had daughters, Aenys may’ve had daughters, the two youngest sons of Daemon I may’ve had children, Calla may’ve had children by someone other than Aegor, Calla had at least two sisters who could’ve had children, and Captain Daemon Blackfyre and Maelys could’ve had daughters. The potential candidates for female-line Blackfyres is still rather large. The idea that the Golden Company would allow their king’s descendant to grow up apart from them on a poleboat amidst a bunch of Westerosi exiles rather than in Tyrosh actually learning statecraft from his noble family is a strange one, but I leave those explanations to those who actually believe in the theory. (For my part, I believe Illyrio when he said no Blackfyre will take the Golden Company home, but a Targaryen will. He just may not be the Targaryen Westeros or the readers expected.)

In conclusion, I am disappointed that Aegor Rivers was confirmed to not have had children due to character- rather than theory-based reasons; I would’ve preferred that a character that had faced such adversity had a physical representation of his survival in some descendants, but I can live with the Golden Company being his legacy. There are any number of reasons why he never had any legitimate children, but I like to think it was because he remained unwed and devoted to the Blackfyre Cause while Calla had children with someone else. I’ve read some writings by those who subscribe to the Aegon Blackfyre theory, and I can only hope that this new information teaches fandom to speculate a bit more kindly. If someone disagrees with your theory for whatever reason, never call them delusional or say that they are “just fooling themselves.” Never take any theory as obvious, as everything is speculation until confirmed by canon or Word of G-d. Always consider other people’s arguments and try to build your theory based on the text rather than warp the text to fit your theory. And above all, listen with compassion.

Thank you for your interesting set of questions, anon. I hope that I have done them justice in my response.

[afishlearningpoetry]

Looking Closer at How The Abominable Bride Foreshadowed and Can Be Used to Chronologically Decode Series 4:

In the opening sequence of TAB, Dr. Watson has a conversation with Mrs. Hudson about the role she plays in his published stories vs. what she really does behind the scenes, unfiltered. Watson says that the role she has in his stories is, within the narrative, broadly speaking, her function.

In series 4, there is no corresponding exchange –– instead, Mrs. Hudson plays a key role in the events of the show. John has her become his existing daughter’s godmother, kidnap Sherlock at gunpoint, engage in a high speed car chase with MI6 and the state, and deduces what’s really going on with Sherlock, leading John to discover Mary’s video message. She also has several particularly over the top moments and funny lines. Sherlock originally asked this of his imagined John, not of the real one, demonstrating just how well Sherlock knows John, and how both of their different but narrated worlds mirror each other.

[Continue below the cut for more ➤]

See also: 10 Revealing Things From The Six Thatchers That Haunt You Late At Night, 10 Revealing Things From The Lying Detective That Haunt You Late At Night, and 10 Revealing Things From The Final Problem That Haunt You Late At Night.

Bonus: The smallest fractal, the biggest lie, and function.

In the original stories, John Watson as the author frequently mentions how he changes details and people’s names in order to protect the people he writes about, if or whenever he’s allowed to publish accounts of Sherlock’s cases at all. Because series 4 has becomes John’s blog and everything in it is subject to his authorship, one of those changes includes the characterization of the people around him, whether he realizes it or not, from the biggest plot inventions down to the smallest inflections in preexisting characters like Mrs. Hudson.

And TAB is aware of the true nature of the original stories from the very beginning, with Mrs. Hudson greeting Holmes and Watson at the door, immediately complaining about how she’s depicted in the stories after Watson asks her what she thought of his latest. “Well, I never say anything, do I? According to you, I just show people upstairs and show you breakfasts,” directly addressing how Watson wrote her in the original stories. Watson is writing these stories for an audience, we’re not seeing them in third person like we normally would for any other detective story, and thus what we primarily know about them comes down to what purpose they serve. “Well, within the narrative, that is broadly speaking, your function.”

The rest of the show has already given her a personality and life beyond Watson’s description in the original stories, brought to life by the wonderful Una Stubbs. John continues this trend in series 4, naming her as the godmother to his fake child in his nightmare marriage with a an assassin who pretended to be a dead girl as a facade in her ultimate goal to work with Moriarty to break Sherlock and thus Mycroft and control the state of England. Because of this, John is naturally embellishing about how happy the affair was, and how much of a role Mrs. Hudson really played. She doesn’t even interact with the baby at all, Molly is the one watching her at the end of TST, and then she’s sent away for two whole episodes. Even in the ending montage in TFP, she still doesn’t interact with the baby.

In TAB, Mrs. Hudson states in refutation to Watson, “I’m your landlady, not a plot device.” But she’s not just a landlady either, she’s more than that. When Sherlock tells John he’s going to stay at the hospital in TRF, John is furious and pleads with him, “Doesn’t she mean anything to you? You once half killed a man for laying a finger on her,” referring to ASIB. Mrs. Hudson repeatedly says she’s their landlady, “I’m not your housekeeper!” despite frequently interjecting herself into their lives, a basic and normal contradiction that exists in her as a person, as a multi-dimensional human being that isn’t conveyed so clearly in the surface text, but is more open to interpretation in the subtext with John as the author, because we can’t completely trust almost anything he says with absolute certainty.

By bringing Sherlock to John’s doorstep in TLD, causing a high-speed chase in the process, she is acting as a plot device for John’s story. John even gets a little on the nose by drawing attention to it:

“Whose car is that?”

“That's my car.”

“How can that be your car?!”

“Oh, for God's sake! I'm the widow of a drug dealer, I own property in central London, and for the last bloody time, John, I'm not your housekeeper!”

As John writes this, he’s even recounting things that he knows about her, like the drug cartel story in TEH (which was foreshadowing his doomed marriage with Mary), but no new information. John does this with other characters too; he changes Sherlock’s characterization so that his method of deduction is all over the place (visions of the future, sudden recollection of evidence, summarizing the case in long monologues), and to be act aloof about John and their relationship, making jabs about him being more useless than Mary, comparing him to a dog in TST. “But then people do get sentimental about their pets,” Moriarty says in TGG. He changes Mary’s characterization to make her a noble wife who never did anything wrong. “Oh, she’s bad, that one. So many dead people. You should see what I’ve seen,” Magnussen says in HLV. Even in her assassin days, Mary was wholesome and all the people she killed had it coming, because she has to die that way in order for the lie to be believable. If he paints her as anything less, the plot falls apart, because it hangs in the balance of her false character arc.

Mrs. Hudson does more in TLD, deducing herself what Sherlock’s real plan is by correctly assigning his behavior over the assumption of his older brother Mycroft, drawing attention to the message with the dagger in it. “Didn't you ask her what she wanted?”, Sherlock yells down to Mrs. Hudson in TAB. “You ask her!” “Why didn't YOU ask her?” “How could I, what with me not talking and everything?!” So Mrs. Hudson gives one of the most important moments speaking in the episode, figuring out what Sherlock wants out of this. “Oh, for God's sake, give her some lines, she's perfectly capable of starving us!” Sherlock says.

The parallels between TAB and series 4 don’t happen because Sherlock told John about everything in his dream and there’s a direct, causal, logical relationship, they happen because (in addition to weaving in the subtext of the canon) they have similar thoughts about the future and can read each other well enough to predict each other’s needs and feelings, along with their own needs and feelings mirroring, even if they haven’t confessed to each other yet. Sherlock doesn’t tell John he dreamt about him suggesting the bride has a twin, but John mentions twins at the beginning of TST because they’re both sharing the same subconscious thought about Moriarty and Mary being a team that’s working together. Sherlock doesn’t tell John about how he dreamt Mary working for Mycroft, but John writes Mary having peripherally worked for Mycroft because Mycroft is in a long-term war with Moriarty for control of England, and they’re still working towards the conclusion that Mary has been working for Moriarty this whole time, still confusing Mary’s true purpose as working for Mycroft.

“Pay Mrs. Hudson a visit on your way out, she likes to feel involved,” Sherlock says to Lestrade in TAB. In TFP, a completely invented and fictional account that’s a false catharsis of and completelty antithetical to the entire show, Mrs. Hudson only appears at the very beginning and end, when they’re still at Baker Street. John writes her being completely oblivious to the complete nonsense with the drone exploding, even explaining that she’ll be safe, because none of it happened. Mrs. Hudson’s role is exaggerated in the previous two episodes, but she otherwise appears in the show all the time, always part of a larger, shared reality that continues whether they’re at Baker Street or not. But in TFP, Baker Street is destroyed and she’s nowhere to be seen and has nothing to do until John pieces reality back together at the very end in order to hide the truth about what happened. And it’s in this episode, followed by her premiere at the end of TLD to obscure what happened to him, that John makes full use of Eurus, a completely fictional person. John has invented entire people before the the plot, like Vivian Norbury, another fictional person who only appears in one scene each at the very beginning and end, but this time the entire story revolves around Eurus instead of Mary.

While all of these changes are most obvious in the most ridiculous aspects of series 4, they all trickle down to every little decision, including those of supporting characters like Mrs. Hudson. In TST while Sherlock is messaging about one of the cases, he types, “Fresh case to disguise another smell”, solving a crime. In the ending montage of TFP, 221b Baker Street is repainted with a fresh coat, and as the scene continues, Mrs. Hudson walks in with a spray can, trying to cover up in a small way the rancid odor that John unleashed, that still stinks to the rest of the audience. Because something is clearly off about this season, and especially this ending, and it can be seen from the smallest fractal to the biggest lie.

[coytoy]

Eta vs. Alpha -- RvB Bingo Wars

For “Red and Blues as Rival Frats” on the @rvbficwars Medics’ Board!

Word Count: 2,647

Warnings: Canon-Typical Language

Description: Rival frats Eta Zeta Omega (Red Team) and Alpha Beta Epsilon (Blue Team) fight to gain the most recruits at Blood Gulch University’s yearly student activities fair.

AO3 Here

“Simmons, Donut, Lopez, Griiiif.” Sarge’s voice carried through the walls of Eta Zeta Omega, the only thing louder than the sound of Grif’s snoring. Slowly, one by one, the boys dragged themselves into the living room; Lopez left behind the sports car he was fixing up, Simmons abandoned his myriad of computers, Donut dropped his diary on his pillow, and Grif transferred napping positions from his bed to the ratty couch downstairs.  

“If you don’t mind, sir, can we get this over with? I’m practicing for a sleep study I’m going to be a part of next week for the Psychology Department,” Grif yawned. “They’re testing the effects of breaks on brain power or something, I don’t really care.”

“You don’t really care about anything,” Simmons muttered. “Must be nice being undecided. Physics majors never get to sleep as much as you do.”

“That’s the downside to being a nerd.” Grif paused for a moment. “Is there an upside to being a nerd?”

“Grif! Simmons! Pay attention!” Sarge yelled. He tapped a dowel rod on an easel pad that had inexplicably appeared beside him. The words, “Eta Recruitment Plan” were emblazoned across the front in bright red sharpie. “This year’s student activities fair is coming up, and I want to recruit the most members of any frat, especially more than those pesky Alphas…”

“If there’s anything I love, it’s more men, sir,” Donut chirped.

“DONUT,” Simmons groaned, burying his face in his hands.

“What? What’s wrong with wanting to have more guys around? We could sit and drink cocktails and talk about our dreams and our feelings…”

“Okay, Donut, you’re going to be at the back of our booth, okay?” Sarge commanded.

“Oh, that’s great, I love being in the rear!”

“On second thought, you’ll sit beside me and not say a word,” Sarge corrected. He flipped the page on the easel pad. “In order to get more recruits, we’re gonna have to show them that we’re the better fraternity at Blood Gulch University. I have a twelve-step plan. First, we steal the Alphas’ flag, but they’ll be sure to chase us, so Grif, you’re going to run at the back and let them catch you…”

“You know, sir, wouldn’t it just be easier for us to run a booth like normal people and tell them our strengths as a frat or something?” Grif questioned.

“Don’t be ridiculous! We need everyone to know that we’re the best! I already have Lopez rigging a fireworks machine – how’s that going, by the way?”

Lopez looked up from the side, where he had been standing with crossed arms. “Sí, lo está bueno. Porque yo realmente está construido una máquina de pirotecnia.”  

“Excellent as always, Lopez,” Sarge praised. “Maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll get more like you to join us this year. Add some more diversity.”

“Yo detesto esta fraternidad.”

“Heh, funny as always, Lopez,” Sarge laughed. “So does everyone know the plan?”

Simmons stood up to protest. “What? No! You haven’t even finished explaining –”

“Great, then let’s go show those loser freshmen who the best fraternity is!”

“So. We have any plans for a activities fair?” Tucker stretched his lithe body over the couch, causing his magazine to fall from his chest to the floor.

Church shrugged and carelessly threw another dart at the board. “No, not really. Who would want to join this frat? I don’t even want to be here, and I’m the goddamn president.”

“It’s okay, Church. We don’t want you here either.”

“Well, that’s not true,” Caboose piped up in his singsong voice, his eyes still glued to his sketchpad. “Some would say that maybe they would wish you weren’t here so they could have Church all to themselves and then we could play games and do best friend things.”

“Caboose,” Church sighed. “What have I said about quiet time?”

Caboose nodded. “Right. No talking. Except for you and Tucker.”

“And I really wish Tucker wasn’t talking, either.”

“Hey man, don’t get mad at me for just wanting to get some new members,” Tucker snapped. “You know Eta Zeta Omega are gonna try everything to get new recruits, and that’s just gonna make our lives harder.”

Church threw his last dart, but like the rest, he missed the board altogether and snagged the wall. “Got any bright ideas?”

“Nah, I’ve told you; I’m a lover, not a planner.”

“Okay,” Church pondered as he sat in his designated armchair, “I guess we gotta make our frat look cool. What makes us special?”

“Well, every once in a while, some of us get a cake and we sing and we’re all happy and good friends, so I think that’s very special,” Caboose reflected.

“Caboose, what you’re describing is a birthday party,” said Tucker. “We get you a cake when it’s your birthday.”

“I wish it were my birthday all the time.”

“Okay, back to actually good ideas,” Church huffed. “We got a scorpion. That’s cool, right?”

“Oh, Sheila?” Tucker clarified. He sat up and peered over the arm of the couch, where a black emperor scorpion huddled under a fake plant in its enclosure. “Sheila is pretty cool, but sucks at picking up chicks. Chicks don’t like scorpions, I guess.”

Church’s green eyes sparked. “Actually, wait, speaking of chicks – Sis and Tex! We have girls in our frat.”

Tucker laughed. “Right, but Sis is Sis, and Tex hates you, so I mean.”

“Tex does not hate me! She’s my girlfriend!”

“And yet she refuses to call you her boyfriend,” Tucker pointed out. “Or refer to you in any way, actually. I’ll let you figure that one out, Church.”

Church opened his mouth to respond, but the doorbell stopped him. “Um, Caboose, could you get that?”

“Of course! It sounds like new friends! I hope they brought cookies.” Caboose skipped into the hallway and to the front door. On the either side stood a blond guy sporting a lightish-red polo.

“Well, hey there, Caboose! You’re looking strong. Have you been working out?”

“Ah, yes, hello, Mr. Muffin. What brings you to Alpha Base today?” Caboose’s eyes narrowed. “You’re not trying to steal the flag again, are you? And we don’t have any more elbow grease or headlight fluid.”

“Actually, we were just setting up our booth for the activities fair, and we realized we needed another flag, but we don’t have any more. Do you happen to have a spare flag we could use?”

“Oh yes, we do! Church said to never give it away to Sarge or Simmons or Grif (with two f’s)…But you’re none of them, so you are okay! Wait here, and I’ll go get it.” Caboose thudded up the steps and wandered into Church’s room, where the blue flag was pinned to the wall above his bed. Caboose carefully removed it from the wall and bounced back downstairs, offering the piece of fabric to Donut. “Here you go.”

“Who was that?” Church asked after the front door had closed again.

“Oh, you know, it was just the nice muffin man from Eta Zeta Omega. He asked if we had an extra flag, so I gave them ours.”

“You what?” Church was on his feed. “Goddamn it, Caboose, what did I tell you?”

Caboose paused for a while. “Toads are supposed to stay outside?”

“No, the other thing!”

“To stop watching you sleep?”

“No, Caboose, I told you to not let the Etas have our flag.” He sighed forcefully, running a hand through his messy black hair. “Now we’re gonna have to go to the activities fair and get it back.”

“Get what back?” A tall blonde was leaning on the doorway, arms folded across her leather jacket.

Church’s expression dropped. “Oh, hey, Tex, um—”

Tucker stepped in. “Oh, Caboose just handed our flag over to the Etas again. We have to get it back now, I guess.”

Tex placed her hands on her hips. “We will get it back. Bring Sheila. Let’s go.”

The student activities fair was in full swing by the time Eta Zeta Omega arrived to set up their booth in the massive gymnasium. Wide-eyed freshman wandered up and down the rows, feigning interest in a club here and there while they loaded up their bags with free stuff. The Etas booth was situated in the corner, which Sarge insisted was the best spot so they could “see their enemies coming.”

“I have to say, Donut, I’m impressed that you managed to get the flag,” said Simmons. “I didn’t think they’d just give it to you.”

(Grif laughed shortly. “Have you ever met Caboose?”)

“Hey, if I can’t get a guy to give it to me, then what am I good for?” Donut reasoned.

“Okay, but do you think that the ROTC girl will come after us?” Nervousness slipped into Simmons’ voice. “Texas or whatever her name is?”

“Yeah, she’ll probably try to kill some of us or whatever, but why are we acting like that’s a bad thing?” Grif murmured.

“Simmons! Grif! Donut! Why aren’t you helping?” Sarge shouted from the booth. Lopez and Sarge had already done most of the decorating – a red cloth sprawled over the table, a collage of pictures of the gang that Donut had assembled (“Don’t we all just look so cute?”), and the blue flag proudly displayed behind.

“We are; we’ve been staying out of your way,” Grif answered. In a lower voice, he sarcastically added, “Jesus, they really put a lot of thought into that booth, didn’t they?”

“Hey! Etas!”

Sarge and co. turned around just in time to see the Alphas approaching; Church and Tex in the lead, with Tucker and Sis chattering behind them and Caboose juggling multiple boxes in the back. They dropped anchor at the only other empty booth, right across the aisle from the Etas.

“Prepare to get outnumbered, because we’re gonna get all the new recruits!” Church fired. But like everything he fired, he horribly missed. “Okay, that sounded better in my head.”

“How did that sound any good in your head?” Tucker retorted.

“Tucker, just, shut up – Look, Etas, you’re gonna pay for taking our flag!”

Grif raised an eyebrow. “You mean the flag your own member just gave to us?”

Redness rose in Church’s cheeks. “What? Yes!”

“You know, Sarge may have his faults, but at least he doesn’t scream all the time,” Simmons muttered to Grif.

“There’s no way anyone would want to be an Alpha when they can be an Eta. Glory to the Etas!” Sarge declared, holding up their own red flag.

“Yeah, suck it, Alphas!” Simmons echoed.

“Hey, Alphas, I don’t see your flag!” Donut egged.

“Oh, I’ll show them,” Tex growled, before Church grabbed her wrist in a weak effort to restrain here.

“No, Tex, wait, just wait,” he said. “We’ll have our chance, I promise.”

“Oh, I know we will,” she added darkly.

The Alphas set up their booth in record time, and Caboose happily decorated it with his crafts, drawings, and cutouts, though it was interesting to note that Tucker was missing from nearly all of them. But an hour into the fair, there was a bigger crowd at the Etas table than the Alphas.

“What do the Etas have that we don’t?” Church asked, more to himself than the rest. “We have a scorpion. We have girls. We have pancakes sometimes when Caboose doesn’t burn them. What do the Etas have?”

“For starters, they don’t have a whiny bitch like you, the lucky bastards,” Tex retorted. Her eyes were concentrated on the Etas table, watching them like a cat gazing at the birdfeeder. “This is a good time to strike. They’re busy.”

Currently, Sarge was in the middle of a grand speech describing the Etas exploits: “…the night was cold, but my blood ran hot, and I knew that there was nothing that could stop us, especially not those dirty Alphas…”

“God, no one can ever say he doesn’t love his own frat,” Tex grumbled. She reached under the booth and pulled out a little carrier, where Sheila lay in wait. She crept forward and ducked low in the direction of the Etas’ table. She saw a little gap between two freshmen’s feet, and she struck, darting forward and pulling the lid off Sheila’s carrier in one smooth motion. She smirked to herself as the emperor scorpion crawled out and explored the toes of a nearby student. Before the screams started, Tex was already back at the Alphas’ booth.

“What in sam-hell…?” Sarge shouted as Sheila skittered over his foot. “Donut, permission to panic!”

“Oh, god, we’re under attack!” Donut wailed in his high-pitched voice.

“The Alphas trying to kill us!” Simmons yelled. “I told you this was gonna happen.”

“Idiotas. Eso escorpión no es venenoso,” Lopez said over the mounting chaos.

“You’re right, Lopez – it is poisonous!” Donut shrieked.

“Suspiro.”

“This is ridiculous.” Grif leapt up on a chair. “Hey, you! Alphas! Yeah, I’m talking to you. You know what? You guys suck! You hear me? S-U-C-K! You fucking suck! Except you, Kai, you know I love you.”

“We suck?” Tucker shouted back. “You fuckers can’t even go on a panty raid without one or more of you crying!”

“It’s not our fault that talking to girls is scary!” Simmons inputted in a small voice.

“And last I heard, their ‘wild rager party’ last week was just a wine and cheese hour,” Tucker added.

“Hey, I’ll have you know that there is nothing classier than a nice Bordeaux with some fresh goat cheese!” Donut countered. “Some of us enjoy the finer things in life.”

“Oh, I definitely enjoy the finer things, if you know what I mean…” Tucker winked at two freshmen walking by, who scowled at him in return.

“Jesus, what is wrong with all of you?” interrupted a tall, sandy-haired guy who had gotten in between the two booths. “You call yourself fraternities? It sounds like all you do is sit around and talk.”

“Dude, you’re obviously new to our dynamic,” Grif said.

And by the end of the fair, neither Eta Zeta Omega or Alpha Beta Epsilon had any new recruits – though a med student named Frank Dufresne asked to join both – but Tex had stolen cookies for the Alphas from the baking society, while Sarge and the Etas received quite an audience for his public protest of the university’s seemingly anti-strawberry yoohoo policy. All in all, it was a more successful day than most.

Bonus Scene:

Kaikaina Grif leaned back in her chair, the lone Alpha at the table while the rest went god-cares-where. “Hot…hot…definitely hot…hot…” she whispered to herself, her eyes scanning the crowd that passed by. She almost didn’t notice when a guy appeared in front of her. Kai’s eyes raked up and down. Tall, nice shoulders, sandy hair, freckles. “Very hot,” she concluded.

“Um…what?”

“Nothing,” said Kai, as she sat up, wrapping a lock of her dark hair around her finger. “What brings you to the Alpha booth?”

“Just looking around. So…you guys have crazy parties or…?”

Kai’s eyes narrowed. “Why do you want to know? I mean, we turn our house into a rave on Tuesdays, but you don’t need to know that.”

“—But you just told me—”

“Why are you so interested? Are you a cop or something?”

“What? No,” he rejected. “Though I am a criminal justice major. My name’s David—”

“Wait, criminal justice? So you’re a future cop! Or you are a cop – from the future!” Her eyes widened. “You know, that’s kinda hot.”

“Um, right, I’m gonna go now. Have fun with your…whatever,” he said as he slowly backed away.

Tucker reappeared a moment later, watching this David guy walk away. “Whoa! Who was that?”

“Just some cop from the future,” said Kai.

“Damn, well he can put handcuffs on me any time – bow chicka bow wow.”