#especially twice in one week

[iamnotawomanimagod]

I'm going to a concert at Red Rocks today with my best friend and her boyfriend, and my husband didn't quite know what artist it was and I was rambling about the opening act being a country artist we probably weren't that interested in and husband went "this is a Halsey concert??"

oh bear, I wish.

[july-19th-club]

one complaint i do have is that ppl will sometimes comment on the fact that house never uses his cane on the proper side as if the show did it on accident when it's mentioned more than once that it's the wrong side, and people tell him this, and he knows it and still does it like that anyway . mostly because he's contrary and will go out of his way to try and prove that his way is better even when it's patently not, also at least partly because he's afraid of what would happen if he wasn't constantly suffering more than he needs to be, because that's the underpinning feature of his life and he doesn't know what he'd be without it. like the episode where he was in that parking space spat with the other doctor so to prove a point he went around using a wheelchair all week and is more or less pain free and clearly enjoying himself (to say nothing of his incredible smugness at having what he sees as extra disability points) but as SOON as the bet/point-proving is up he fucking . goes back to his regular life. with the cane that he knows he could use differently but doesn't and the back pain and the painkillers in excess of safe levels and the etc etc etc. king of learning zero lessons and preferring things to be worse because he doesn't know what to do with better!

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[second-second]

Yesterday i read the last (updated) chapter of the guild member next door. And had a terrible time finding out that i couldnt find the novel anywhere - not even to buy!!! - and then i decided to move on. You know like a big adult. Then today i read netkama punch in one sitting and was like "damn... is there a novel?" Only to find myself in the same predicament. Is this a joke from god? For how much longer do i have to read nice cool and interesting things only to find out i will have to wait for more idk 10 years for it to finish???

[spandexinspace]

I really cannot understand why DC and fans keep pushing All-Star Superman as the ultimate/perfect intro to Superman comic. It's literally supposed to be a love letter to gold/silver age comics and doesn't tell a traditionally paced story at all. And I can't imagine many new people aren't put off by Quitely's art.

[rebouks]

Hello Becca! I was wondering if you build every lot and space in your gameplays, from public to private. I was rereading some of Somnium and earlier posts from FIB and just noticed how much everybody moves around! I'm asking because the planning of my stories alone takes a lot of time, and I can't imagine spending more time building the 'sets' the story will take place. If you do, it's even more impressive!

hiii hello.. i do build most lots myself yeah! i usually have such a specific vision for the spaces these guys occupy that i just can't bring myself to use other ppl's stuff, no matter how lovely it is 😅 the only time i don't is if i find a lot i reaaally like or if i know i'm only gonna use it a couple times, if i make smth i wanna use it multiple times so yeah.. eg. the lots below circled in red are mine, n the one's in blue are other ppls i plonked down just to use once or twice or fill up the space..

also behold my messy gallery lmaoo.. but yeah all made from scratch by yours truly cos i'm unhinged/love building!

[irish-belle]

Need. A. Spa. Day.

[deathsmallcaps]

I swear. I comprehend I’m not the best teaching intern in the world. I also was not the best camp counselor, cashier, and so on. But if my observer gives me so much criticism that I cry again I’m going to be so motherfucking pissed.

Especially since she’s asking me to stay late just to review me. While I have family visiting. And I’m gone for most of the day. And my commute is over half an hour. Which isn’t bad around here but still.

[skitskatdacat63]

— Emperor Charles VI's diary entry on Count Althann's death

[text: "My only heart, my comfort, my most faithful servant, my soulmate, who loved me dearly as I did him for 19 years, [we] had a true friendship, we were one heart and one soul, and we never concealed anything from one another. He will always be in my heart, [my] beloved friend..I. have lost everything."]

[jays-supersonic-dynamo]

FIC REC WEEK DAY ONE!!

hiiii im doing ninjago fic rec week because i’ve gone through so much lego fanfic and i think y’all should read some of it too!!!!! so here’s some fics :)

today’s prompts are Canon and Lloyd!

- Chain Reaction by TuethidaRegina (link)

for the canon AND lloyd prompts!! post-crystalized fic that tackles both lloyd’s arc AND his oni form all in one. i love dragon/oni lloyd so much. this. this fic is so good. what do you mean this isn’t what happened afterwards.

- faux fur by SQUIDSTORY (link)

for the canon AND the lloyd prompt!! post season ten fic that’s got it all! it’s got hurt/comfort, angst, some fluff, AND more dragoni lloyd. can you really have it all??? the answer is yes. yes you can. love this fic it’s so!!!!! AUGH!!!!

- Skywalker Syndrome by lloydskywalkers (link)

for the lloyd prompt!! oni trilogy au where lloyd amputates his own arm to escape harumi, and all of the repercussions that come with losing a limb. features angst, found family, and that gotdamned hurt/comfort. i wish this was canon so bad

- Out with the New, In with the Old by Felikid (link)

for the canon and lloyd prompts!! post child’s play fic where lloyd’s outgrown all of his old clothes because. well. yanno. he’s just still getting used to it and everything… GOOD THING HE HAS KAI TO HELP HIM!!!! short and sweet. i love it <3

- Paper Plate Moon by weekend-whip (nightbreakers) (link)

for the canon prompt!! fic where kai takes finally takes skylor on a real, serious, date…. even though one thing after another keeps on going wrong. i’m not one for kailor, but this fic is so CUTE and GENUINE and can you write them in canon actually its. yeah.

[jasmancer]

spent too much time looking at the logistics of webcomic publishing this evening and now I feel. something.

[starkidlabs]

Men over 40 please stop trying to be my friend.

[isfjmel-phleg]

🤐

[chaosyippee]

I am not sorry, I just refuse to be normal about medias I enjoy.

[void-tiger]

Trying to keep a lid on it but. Yeah. Literally don’t know what’s it like to NOT be platonically neglected IRL my whole damn life, only that I know this One Person doesn’t deserve to be at the epicenter of it anymore than I deserved to have been at the epicenter of theirs a year ago now.

…why am I like this. Why are we like this.

[betty-burnout]

got a cpap prescription finally but i feel like it's about to make my bedtime routine a) strict and b) somewhat alien