#even just earlier i was listening to my peers accept their awards and when i could tell they were a lil embarrassed/nervous i felt it x10

[icarrymany]

i have horrible second hand embarrassment issues that make it hard to do literally anything but other than that my autisms empathy is LOW

[strawberryboyfriends]

“We did it.”

“Finally did it, man. Prouda you,” Link says softly, smiling as he looks up at Rhett with sparkles in his eyes. Rhett grins right back, the apples of his cheeks protruding as he does so. There’s a hint of a pink blush coloring his cheekbone and his twinkling eyes blink slowly, eyelashes fluttering delicately.

“Proud of you, too, Link…” Rhett replies, soft-spoken and sincere. Link smiles because he knows how hard it is for Rhett to give and receive compliments. He knows how much therapy has helped him open up, to be in the heart, and that’s exactly what he’s doing. He’s trying for Link, for himself, for the fans.

They’re back at Link’s home, standing in his dimly lit kitchen. Leaning against cabinets dressed in their suits from the hour prior at the Streamys award show. A glass of water in each of their hands.

Link takes a sip of his, peering at Rhett over the rim of his glass. He lowers his drink and raises an eyebrow at his best friend, who has a sudden look of uneasiness tracing his features. Furrowed eyebrows and teeth worrying his bottom lip.

“You okay?” Link asks, filling with concern. He sets his glass on the counter with a quiet thud and takes a step towards Rhett, resting a hand on the blondes’ forearm. “What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing, just… Nothing. Happy.”

Unconvinced, Link narrows his eyes, but removes his hand from Rhett’s arm and settles back into his spot against the cabinet. He knows better than to impel Rhett to talk about his feelings. They stand in comfortable albeit tense silence, the sounds of each other breathing soothing the mood.

“Link, I…”

“Listen, man…”

They both huff out a laugh, Link scratching the back of his head. An anxious tendency he has picked up over the years. “You go first.”

Rhett inhales shakily, shifting on his feet before crossing his arms tightly over his chest. He stands up straighter, facing directly towards Link with a perfervid gaze. “After tonight… After we accepted that award together… It made me realize something.”

Rhett pauses to take another deep breath and Link notices his hands beginning to tremble. Curious, the smaller man hums with a slight nod of his head, encouraging Rhett to continue.

“I don’t know why it took me so long. It feels long overdue. Almost hopeless because it’s just…”

Tears are glistening Rhett’s eyes, threatening to fall over his cheeks. He blinks quickly, forcing them to go away. To save themselves for later. Link wants to comfort Rhett, wants to reach out and hold him, talk him through whatever is bothering him. But he doesn’t. He waits, patient. Resigned.

“I love you, man,” Rhett finally avows, voice breaking. Hoarse from the built up emotion.

And Link laughs, because he already knows this. Why would Rhett confess an already known thing? He opens his mouth to reply, but is stopped by Rhett who is shaking his head. “I know what you’re thinking, Link, and it’s not like that. I love you.”

The smile on Link’s features quickly fade, morphs into a bemused little frown. He knits his eyebrows together, cocking his head to the side. “What?” he asks, incredulous. His eyes are wide behind his black frames. His mouth agape.

“You heard me,” Rhett replies, snappy in tone. He stiffens, mentally reminds himself to mention his misbehavior to his therapist, and lets out a dismayed sigh. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to snap, bu–”

“Rhett, you sayin’ you’re in love with me?” Link nearly shouts, tone nothing but fretful, and Rhett remains impassive, calm, because it’s like Link to be short-tempered. He attempts to ease Link by stepping forward, reaching towards him, but freezes when his friend utters a stern, “No. Don’t touch me.”

“Link…”

“Now, Rhett? Really?”

“I know, Link, but let me–”

“Explain?” Link ridicules, shaking his head with a sarcastic laugh. Rhett is at a loss for words as he watches the man in front of him dismiss him. His feelings; what he had been holding in for years and finally had the courage to admit. He wants to cry, to let those tears from earlier stain his cheeks, but he stays strong.

“Why are you so mad?” Rhett questions, voice shot as he fidgets with a loose string near the bottom of his button down shirt.

“We’re forty, Rhett. Forty fucking years old,” Link curses, surprising them both, but too distracted to say anything. “We can’t play these games anymore. Why now?”

“You know I’ve been going to therapy, brother, and–”

“Don’t call me that,” Link derides, and Rhett wants to roll his eyes, but he holds back. “Okay. Therapy, what about it?”

“We’ve been discussing my feelings. Towards you. My therapist said I should tell you before it’s, uh. Too late,” Rhett explains, embarrassment tinging his cheeks. Link narrows his eyes.

“Well.”

“Yeah…” Rhett mumbles, and it feels like his frown is becoming permanent. “This isn’t a game, by the way. Don’t know why you would even say that.”

“Because, Rhett, we’re grown ass adults. This isn’t middle school, you can’t come over here, say you have a crush on me, and we start dating 5 seconds later. It doesn’t work like that,” Link blusters, scolding Rhett as if he has done something terribly wrong. Rhett is irritated now, and he takes a step towards Link.

“Don’t fucking act like you don’t feel the goddamn same,” Rhett cautions, pointing an accusatory finger. Link gasps, observing Rhett’s vexed features. Rhett grasps Link’s wrist and shuts his eyes, breathing harshly through his nose. He waits a few moments, crestfallen because of his lash out.

“Rhett?” Link whispers. The blonde opens his eyes and is met with Link’s tearful blue eyes staring up at him. They’re not okay, but something about Link’s ocean eyes calms Rhett ever so slightly.

“You do feel the same, don’t you?”

Link inhales deeply, counts to three in his head, and exhales tremulous with a nod. A motion so simple, yet full with so much passion. Rhett feels like one thousand rocks have been lifted from his chest.

“Tell me why you’re scared then, Link,” Rhett begs, grabbing his lover’s hand and intertwining their fingers.

“I’m not scared, just… We could’ve spent our whole lives being together,” Link finally admits, squeezing Rhett’s hand. “Feels like time wasted. Feels like we don’t have enough time left together now.”

Rhett suddenly heaves Link atop the counter, the smaller man emitting a surprised “gracious, Rhett” once he’s perched on the surface. Rhett nudges Link’s knee with a hip and he spreads his thighs, allowing Rhett to step between them.

“There is no such thing as wasted time if it’s time spent with you,” Rhett assures, placing both hands on either of Link’s hips. He rests his forehead against Link’s and lets their noses brush against each other faintly. “We still have plenty of life to live, and I’m happy to be living it with you.”

With a promising squeeze to Link’s thigh, Rhett leans in and their lips meet. Their first kiss shared of a million more.

[lokidoki-imagines]

Library Vigilante

Pairing: Loki x Reader

Content/Warnings: Fluff, second hand embarrassment

Words: 2360

Prompt: Library AU ‘You’re overdue on this book and I want it so I’m tracking u the fuck down’ 

You can request more by dropping me an with an idea or pick a prompt from my favourite prompt lists one liners, 100 kinks, generals, AU’s and holiday prompts :) Hope you enjoy!

“I’m sorry, that book still hasn’t been returned to us yet.” The kind lady behind the desk spoke as she tapped away at her keys, “The gentlemen who has it is going to have a hefty fine when he decides to return it.” 

“He’s gonna have more than a hefty fine.” You mumbled, tapping your fingers off the desk. “How long overdue is it?” You asked, peering over the desk at the screen hoping to catch a glimpse of the name of this mysterious gentlemen. The librarian pulled her screen away abruptly making you huff in defeat. 

“I’m sorry Miss but that’s confidential information, you’ll have to wait until the book is returned or try another library.” She pulled her mouth into a tight line and began typing once again. You needed that book, it was the last one in the series and you were not prepared to pay a whole $25 on a book, not when there was a perfectly good one you could loan out for free. Slumping on the desk the librarian peered at you over her glasses, “Do you need anything else dear?” Yes I do I need that bloody book.

Pulling your head up you put on the best fake smile you could muster and glanced quickly at her name tag. “Susan,” You beamed, leaning ever slightly towards her “I just really need that book. You see, a poor art student like me doesn’t have a lot of money and libraries are where I can enjoy myself without having to pay and -”

“You should always donate some change to your local libraries dear, we have bills too you know.” Your smile dropped momentarily before you realised your face was betraying your annoyance. “Oh yes! I know that only too well Susan, see if you could just give me the details of the man who has the book I want, I could do you a favour and go and collect it.” Susan stared at you blankly, her fingers stilled over her keyboard. “I could be the libraries vigilante if you like.” You laughed, tucking a piece of your hair behind your ear nervously. “Like an avenger, only on a smaller scale.”

Susan began to shake her head as you clasped your hands together, “We don’t need -”

“No I know you don’t but see I need that book!” You snapped at her, you’d already tried the other libraries for it when you discovered last week that it was loaned out. Unfortunately for you so were all the other copies. You gave her your award winning puppy dog face before she switched the computer off and placed a sign on her desk saying ‘Out to lunch’. You frowned as you watched her collect her things and move to the room that was reserved for staff only. 

It was completely empty in there, it was your local library that you frequented quite often but never really saw anyone else there. You weren’t stupid, you knew that being the closest library to the local college there was always students drifting in trying to look inconspicuous as they made their way to the first floor history section. Wandering around the place you realised that the place was actually empty, Susan was out back for her 45 minute break and no doubt there were students canoodling upstairs but...You were alone.

Heart racing with sweaty palms, you ran around to the other side of the desk and switched the computer on. All you needed was a name and an address and then you could hightail it out of there like nothing had happened. 

“Okay, calm down, you’re not hacking S.H.I.E.L.D...” You mumbled as you were faced with a password entry system. Putting your head in your hands you glanced around the desk, there wasn’t much save for a photo of a man in a cap and gown and a bobble head of Thor. You snorted, flicking his head as you racked your brain for an idea. Pausing, you began to type.

Books. Password denied.

Avengers. Password denied.

One attempt left. You glanced at the nodding Thor and tried again, holding your breath you typed Thor.

Password accepted.

“Black widow eat your heart out!” You muttered before typing the name of the book into the database. “Susan, we all have our vices.” It had been loaned out for quite a while, the man who currently possessed it has had it for 7 weeks. Who takes 7 weeks to read a book?! You thought while pulling up his details.

Grabbing a pen from a pot you quickly scribbled down his name and address on a piece of paper before switching the computer off again and hightailing it out of there.

It was a warm day so you decided to walk seeing as it was only a couple of blocks away from the library, you were running through the scenario of how the situation was going to go in your head when you realised that it wasn’t quite as far as you had thought. It was a small set of fancy apartments that was just down the road from the avengers tower, you remember the media saying that Tony Stark had built them but no one figured out what for. 

You scanned the list of names next to buzzers until you found the one you were after, “Donald Blake you’re mine!” You whispered as you pushed the buzzer for the apartment above his. 

“Hello?” A voice crackled through the intercom.

“Hi! I’m Donald’s girlfriend and I thought I’d surprise him,” You chirped, “he think’s I’m in California!” This better work.

“Oh how romantic! Do you want me to buzz you in?” The voice asked.

You let out a silent prayer to whatever God happened to be listening before replying in a sickly sweet voice, “Yes thank you that would be amazing!”

Moments later you heard the tell tale buzz of the door unlocking, you quickly rushed through the glass doors and into the lift, pushing the button for the 3rd floor. The end was in sight, you were so close to getting the book and if you were honest, the adrenaline from the whole thing was more fun now than actually getting the book. The doors opened as your stepped out and made your way to the only door, steeling yourself you took a deep breath in and knocked quickly.

Picking at the skin around your thumbs you stopped breathing when the door opened to reveal none other than Thor, God of thunder himself.

He looked bigger than you’d imagined. Not that you’d imagined him of course, but he seemed bigger than he did on TV. You swallowed quickly as your checked the name and address on the slip of paper.

You looked up at the confused God, “Hi, does uh, Donald Blake live here?” You asked quickly, glancing at the paper before showing the God the slip too.

His laughter was like a boom, deep and hearty his whole body shook as he stepped aside to let you in. He shut the door behind himself before he led you through to a sitting room.

“Loki!” He laughed, gesturing to a man reclining on a chaise in the window, book open in hand. He was handsome you’d give him that, not in the obvious way like Thor but handsome non the less for a guy who tried to take over New York.

Your eyes locked with his when you realised that Donald Blake probably wasn’t gonna be sharing an apartment with the two asgardian brothers. Loki’s eyes roamed over your form as you stood next to his brother, his gaze was calculating and judgemental but not as cold and icy as you’d thought it would be. There was more indifference really.

“Brother.” He replied eventually, his voice more silky than you’d expected it. His eye’s had gone back to his book once he’d examined you and Thor motioned for you to sit.

“No thank you,” You noticed the younger prince’s eyes snap over to watch the scene unfold. “I’ve actually come for Donald Blake.” Puffing your chest out you turned away from Thor’s amused smile to glare at the raven haired prince who was watching you with curiosity.

“I’m guessing Donald Blake is a fake name, I don’t care. All I know is that I didn’t hack into that stupid computer using your name,” You shoved a finger into Thor’s chest before pausing and smiling, “Susan loves you by the way, you’d make her day if you visited.” Turning back around to Loki you noticed he’d close his book and sat up, your nerves were getting the better of you now as he stood up to his full height.

He’s taller than I thought he’d be.

“Anyway, you’re overdue on a book I want so I’ve tracked you down so you can return it.” Placing your hands on your hips you nodded once, signalling that you were finished. 

Loki’s mouth fell agape slightly before looking off to the side confused. Your confidence and bravado that had spurred you on had left, the adrenaline in your veins was replaced with fire as you felt yourself getting more embarrassed with each beat of silence.

Thor had taken to sitting on the couch that Loki was leaning on, a large smile plastered onto his distractingly attractive face. “You hacked into the libraries system?” Loki clarified.

You nodded. “Found our name and address?”

Oh god.

“Came here, let yourself in.”

Oh no.

“Knocked on our door and now you’re demanding a book back so that you may read it?”

I sound like a freakin’ psycho.

Thor looked between me and his brother who at that moment in time, had his head cocked to the left and was studying you very intently.

“How did you get into the building?” Thor laughed, taking a swig of whatever was in the bright rainbow coloured mug. 

Oh god now I’m gonna sound insane, officially insane. You thought before clasping your hands behind your back, rocking on the balls of your feet. “There’s a very nice lady upstairs, and uh, I told her that I’d flew in from California to see my boyfriend, Donald.” Thor clasped Loki on the shoulder and stood up taking his rainbow mug and his chuckles with him down the corridor.

You panicked, how could the god of thunder leave you with the god who’d tried to take over your planet not even 5 years earlier? Movement caught your eye as you watched Loki move with every bit of elegance you’d expect from a prince over to a leaning pile of books in the corner. 

He didn’t seem as bad as every said really, watching him move books from the top to the bottom before moving the pile all together to sift through another you began to wonder.

“Which one’s your favourite?” You asked quietly, his hands pausing for a moment before carrying on with their task. You left it there, you’d already made yourself look like a lunatic and didn’t want to annoy the trickster god anymore by asking him mundane questions. 

He seemed to find what he was looking for and straightened up, walking over to where you were with three very purposeful strides. “Here,” He spoke softly, handing you the book you’d come for. You smiled and flicked through the pages out of habit. “It’s this series actually.”

Your smile dropped as you looked up to him, realising that he was answering your question after all. “I rather liked this series, of all the boring books earth has to offer these one’s are rather amusing I suppose.” 

“If you like these one’s then any of the books written by Neil Gaiman would probably suit you,” You let out a breathy laugh as you tucked the book into your rucksack. “His stories are about norse gods actually, and how they -” You stopped as you realised you were babbling again, with a wave of your hand you glanced at the door. “You don’t care, why would you? I should get out of your hair, thanks for the book.” You turned to leave as Thor entered the room again.

Waving at him over Loki’s shoulder you turned back to the raven haired god, “Maybe I’ll see you at the library sometime,” You smiled at him as you pulled the door open, “bring money, Susan says you’ve a hefty fine waiting for you!” You laughed nervously before closing the door behind you. 

Mind whirling from meeting two very handsome gods, you leaned against the wall as you waited for the elevator to arrive. “Book lady!” Your head whipped round to see Thor standing in the doorway to the apartment you’d just exited.

“Yeah?” You answered as you saw Loki glancing nervously between his brother and you, “What’s your name?” Thor boomed as the lift arrived with a ding.

You grinned, “Y/N.” Stepping into the lift you tried to ignore the quiet bickering that was going on between the two brothers. You pressed the button for the ground floor but it wasn’t moving, and the doors wouldn’t close either. Watching as Thor grinned at his brother while talking quietly you began to stroll back over to the pair.

“Not to sound imposing, but the elevator’s broke.” Loki glared hard at Thor once more before watching his brother walk away. 

Loki’s mouth opened and then closed again, looking off the the side you followed his gaze but found nothing of interest.

“You ok Loki?” His head snapped back with wide eyes.

He cleared his throat and nodded, “Would you like to get coffee?” He asked quickly, glancing behind him at Thor who was grinning like a mad man.

Once again you felt yourself warm up as you nodded a bit too quickly, “I think I’d really like that.” Loki’s face relaxed as he grabbed a jacket from the coat stand and pulled the door shut. “You take every girl who tracks you down for books out for coffee?” You teased, taking the stairs with him.

He smirked as he held the glass entry door for you, “Only the ones called Y/N.”

[downbythewater-beachblondee]

19| Budha couldn’t do it

Elijah

Moments like these I wish my ma planned a fucking wake. Who plans a funeral without a wake? A hint to her own insanity, it was.

It was around 8 o'clock. Everyone in the house had their own agenda. Black was the new black in everyones attire except mine. Yes, I wore black but I tightened a purple tie around my neck worse than Esther ever could. I did my best.

"Fuck," I concluded, hoping to escape the memories dwelling inside of the bedroom my dead wife and I shared only a week ago. For once, I had envisioned those sloppy seconds of ours as more than a duty or task to complete because of our unspoken commitment. I wanted her, sure. But a need was of better essence. Anyone who knew me knew that Esther was something I needed and whenever I needed something I always had it. Which is why I refuse to accept that she's gone.

See. It doesn't even sound right.

My mothers heels clacked in the ever long fashion they always clacked. She headed into the kitchen picking up anything in her way and placing it back down. It was as if she were searching for an explanation underneath every item miscellaneously situated on the kitchen table.

"What," She badgered, looking up at me once.

I shook my head. This was probably the first time in a long time that I'd actually faced my mother head on without Esther's arms locked into mine. She couldn't say the right things anymore so I used her conscious.

"That tie is ugly." She said, waltzing over towards the living room mirror. "Change it."

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"I said no. I don't have time to argue with you about anything today."

"...I know that face."

She crawled closer to my presence like the true feline she was.

"You're feeling guilty." She purred, prompting my heart to cave in and beat within itself.

"Yes, baby. You're feeling guilty...and I know the reason why." Her fingers inched towards my left ear slowly. I'm guessing this was her way of soothing me after all of these years.

"Because you are guilty." Her voice boomed contrastingly deeper and scarier than her primitive sound. A light squeeze pinched at my ear as she gritted her teeth.

"You should have done more. You were a horrible husband."

"Mom-"

"You wasn't studden that girl. I'm glad she's gone. That way her and her baby can rest in peace without even the possibility of you fucking anything else up."

"Dinah, where's my tie! Damn it!" My father howled. Just like my mother, he was everywhere...searching for something in nothing.

"I don't know, nigga. Borrow one from ya son." She answered, patting her lion padded feet elsewhere. "And where is every got damn body? Rosetta!"

"Hah!!!!" My sister called from upstairs.

"Get yo ass down here! All ya'll get down here and stand in a single file line. Now!"

Rosie, my brother, my dad, and I scurried towards 'getting ready' until we stood shoulder to shoulder in a line facing the queen herself.

She peered at us with the most emotion and deficit that I'd seen in ages. She played with her mouth. Whatever was about to seep out of it was finna be important. If we didn't take heed she'd have one of our heads plastered onto the wall for all to see. I didn't want to be on the receiving end.

"Play your parts, people. Everyone will be at this event this evening and I need zero fuck ups. Zero."

"It's a funeral, mama." Emended Rosie.

"Fuck up number one...Rosie keep your mouth shut. Cover your tattoo's. No one wants to know who you're sleeping with this month and for Gods sake do something with that nasty hair of yours."

Rosie, usually the one to object anything Dinah had to say, rolled her eyes and accepted her defeat as if she were still in middle school. For Esther's sake.

"Titus Jr...I don't have to worry about you. Keep your mouth shut and your face pretty. The only thing I want to hear you talk about is school."

Like the momma's boy he was, he smiled comically. "You got it mama."

"Husband...darling." She hummed, caressing my fathers face with her claws. "Keep your eyes to the sky...not on anyone else. Not tonight. And if you even think of pulling that 'trip to the bathroom' trick...you'll be sleeping on the couch for a month."

Next, it was my turn.

"I suppose you've suffered enough guilt as is, my Elijah...but please. Keep your conversation to a minimal."

"Listen, I don't have to answer to you. My wife is dead. I'm sure I can handle myself just fine."

My father and siblings couldn't even look at me all the way, perhaps in fear that the lioness would greet them with a jab at the jugular. But whatever it was, I did it and they were amazed.

"You think you're tough shit. I don't care what you do Elijah," She continued. "This is my rep on the line. This is stupid! This entire situation...looks stupid. How do you think it makes me feel when your fathers entire congregation is asking me what happened to my daughter and what drove her to suicide?"

"Why does it bother you so much mother? One, she isn't your daughter. Two, my fathers congregation is null and void. The entire church was torn down so whatever preconceptions they have about you, I'm sure Esther's death is the least of their worries."

"Everyone has an opinion, silly boy. Tonight is the night we create new ones. Regardless of what your father did, we still have impressions to fulfill, yes? Sort of like that job you have. Preconceptions, you say? Los Cabasas is full of them. Everyone knows about Esther's death."

"Oh yeah? And I wonder who told the news about it? Was it you?"

"No."

"I have the call log. 1-800-CabasasNewsArea shows up perfectly. Would you like to see it, Mrs. Dinah."

"You sick shit." She reckoned, tucking her fat bottom lip between her teeth. "What do you want. An award?"

"Mama, why would you do that?" Rosie questioned as if we were in a play and her que were an aside.

"Because this is a game, children." She snorted. "Play it well. Everyone would have found out sooner and later so it was best I did what I did to clear up any confusion by allowing a public announcement. For Esther."

"Bullshit. Dinah, this is an amusement park for you. You. It's all about how you want everyone else to feel about you."

She trailed closer to me still clothed with those slits in her eyes.

"For all of her life...Esther trailed in your faux reign. For a small portion of her death...let her have her own...even if it is through me..."

_____________

The funeral was of quintessence. I kept my head down, afraid that an ocean would tear at the protective sheet in my eyes.

'Going up Yonder' would be the death of me, and I meant that with all of its entirety. If I had been hit with a bag of bricks, maybe I would've believed Esther was finally gone.

But that funeral was ton of cement. Now, she was hiding from me and never coming back. That made things worse. I could talk about how I almost broke down because no one knew how guilty I was. I could talk about how I wanted to die in the casket alongside her or how innocent she looked in that white dress. I could mention how I didn't deserve to live or attend that very funeral.

But I couldn't because none of that happened. In fact, I was numb due to the fact that I had taken 3 Xanax's earlier that morning.

During the repass, I excused myself because I hated greeting strangers.

As I made my way out of the mens room, I noticed a familiar smell. Coco butter and pop rocks. Sounds about right.

"Oh my God...thank you for coming." I heard my sisters voice coo.

I saw her hugging a girl much shorter than her with wild tendrils tucked around a flower crown.

"Anything...if you need anything please ask. Where is Elijah?"

"Right here." I announced, noticing her beautiful brown face under a slither of makeup. Noticeable enough for me to recognize but she still looked the same.

"Sanaa....what are you doing here?" I asked, afraid that my mothers serene cock blocking skills would soon tear this building to pieces with everyone in it diced and sliced to perfection.

"Your sister has been a great friend of mine. She told me about what happened and I came right away. Elijah, I am so...so...sorry."

"It's fine. I'm fine."

Her hands gathered into mine, causing a few glances shot towards us. I can only imagine how livid mama would be if she saw Sanaa embracing me right now. Yes, Sanaa was my woman but everyone else would see her as a concubine. No one else knew about Esther and I's 'sleeping arrangements'. She had her situation and I had mine.

I'm sure Sanaa would understand.

"Baby...not right now."  I whispered.

"Elijah, I need you to-" My mothers incessant voice was abruptly halted by the sight of Sanna's honey colored fingers laced into mine.

"Who the fuck is this?" She summoned. Now everyone started to observe. Funeral drama must've really been a main attraction for some people.

"I did. She's a friend of the family." Rosie squeaked.

"A little too god damned friendly. Do she know Elijah wife just died?"

"She does. And I'm right here." Bucked Sanaa, standing toe to toe with my mom.

I would've came to her rescue, regardless of the fact that Sanaa was literally my concubine at my wife's funeral. But I didn't have a chance to.

Rosie reached behind her shoulders. "Okay, that's enough. Mom, this is Sanaa. Sanaa, this is Dinah. Our mom. She's just mourning. We're going to go sit, now."

Sanaa and Rosie walked away.

Like always, Rosie came to my rescue. Even though I don't think she knew about Sanaa and I's relationship completely, she dissolved any confrontations that would've set this church on fire. Singlehandedly, I realized I was dependent upon the women around me.

Furthermore, Sanaa and Rosie must've had a pretty tight relationship. They talked the entire time.

[poojabhatnagar-blog]

leveraging the strenght of an introvert

**One of my clients, who is working with me as he makes himself ready to take on the COO role says, ‘I am an introvert, but not one can say that, no one has seen it. I have worked very hard to mask it and it takes a lot of energy and effort.’

The world around us:

It is highly likely that there are introverts in your team who you just haven’t noticed or gotten to know (not because you wanted it like that, but because that’s how it happened to be), or as a manager you wonder how can I help the person who is just not willing to stand up and shine? Or as a self-employed person, you think ‘I have so much to offer, but I don't know how to network and market myself!’

It is neither new nor surprising if you have nodded ‘yes’ for one of the situations above. Or perhaps, you were reminded of someone in your office, quiet and reserved...but there has never been enough time in a work day to grab a coffee and sit with them to strike a conversation! (Most likely, this person will not take the initiative to do so, unless there is a reason.)

That said, it is a fact that building a network and sharing our views forms a major part of our work life. In an office, it is likely that several of your colleagues are introverts or others who are masking it well.

As Susan Cain says in her book, ‘the introvert/extrovert divide is the most fundamental dimension of personality’. She says, ‘some of the greatest ideas, art and inventions-from theory of evolution to Van Gogh's sunflowers’ and personal computers- came from quiet and cerebral people who knew how to tune into their inner worlds and find the treasures there’.

The objective of this article:

There have been a many researches on the topic of introversion/extroversion, as it is considered one of the most fundamental dimensions of personality. This preference defines what environment we like to be in, what career we choose, what is our friend-circle how we interact...

This article came about as I observed people (including myself) making different meanings of the same situation viewing it with our own lenses that were guided by our own assumptions and perceptions. While there are many factors that influence how we develop our world view, how we understand different situations and things around us, how we absorb and process information and then how we choose to react to it, this article is focussed at understanding how our preference of introversion or extroversion guides our way to choosing the way we lead our lives.

Primarily, this article attempts to convey three main points to the reader:

As an individual, exploring and accepting my preference and the strengths it brings with it

As an individual, I accept that people are different and do things differently. Each has their own way of achieving their goal, the way that works the best for them.

As a manager, diversity is not defined just by welcoming people from different country, race and religion; it also includes preferences such as the one mentioned in this article. Knowing my people also means I can get them to be most effective.

What is Introversion?

Before we talk about ‘how to be most effective’ given our preference, let’s understand a bit more about what ‘preference for introversion’ or ‘preference for extroversion’ means. Many researches and studies have defined these ideas. I have chosen to quote Jung’s ideas here as a brief explanation.

Carl Jung talked about introverts and extroverts (extraverts) in the early 20th century. He said Introverts are oriented primarily towards the inner world; thus they tend to focus their energy on concepts ideas and internal experiences. Extraverts are oriented primarily towards the outer world; thus they tend to focus their energy on people, events and objects. He regarded extraversion and introversion as ‘mutually complementary’ and said that both these preferences are necessary for maintenance of life.’ the extraverts will be busy in those events; introverts recharge their battery by being alone or being with themselves and their worlds, and extraverts recharge by being with people and around activities as they draw their energy from the external world. Jung talks about other preferences too, but for the purpose of this article, we will focus only on the I/E preference and ‘what it means for me’?

As an example, when contemplating on an issue, introverts are likely to be drawn to their inner world of thoughts and analysis, whereas extraverts are likely to think aloud; extraverts are likely to be happy going from one activity to another whereas introverts might want a break or might even drop a few activities to focus their energy on the few at hand. Another example could be a typical Monday morning in an office; you are likely to see the extraverts walk into the office exchanging greetings and perhaps talking about the weekend or weather whereas the introvert will get to the desk and exchange pleasantries with the people around, relatively quietly.

Having said this, there are people who are able to mask their preferences to ‘fit in’ with the culture/ surrounding, just like my client who I quoted in the beginning of the article. Sometimes this is done to ‘fit it’, other times to make sure they don't miss out or sometimes they just don't want to be known as an introvert and asked questions or fussed about...While it may go unnoticed by the people around us, masking takes up tremendous amount of energy from the person.

**I’d like to share the story of one of my earlier clients, Cathy, who considered herself as ‘introvert’ and hence was never confident enough to put her hand up for a Sales role, even though she had been doing pre-sales for several years and had also joined the sales team for some client visits. Something inside her told her that she could do it, but the ‘introvert’ in her and the many ‘demons’ (read as ‘questions’ accumulated over a long period of time) in her head held her back. At this time, she connected with me and we talked about what held her back so we could work on it. Few months on, she was in a Sales lead role making a success out of her role. Following year she wrote to me sharing that she was awarded the ‘best sales lead’. This did not happen because she turned a new leaf overnight. She embraced her strengths (as an introvert), answered the many ‘demons’ that were holding her back and moved on.

One of the great strengths of an introvert is they are adept at building relations/ connections at a one-to-one level, as opposed to a group which seems daunting to some and draining to others. They like to listen more than they talk, think before they speak, steer away from small talk but enjoy deep discussions. This was one of the greatest strengths that Cathy had been ignoring, which helped her build long standing client relationships and also made her stand-out in the sales role. She wasn’t in anyway trying to ‘hide’ from people; she just did not prefer a whole lot of conversation in a room full of people, with whom she did not have much in common. (Cathy, if you are reading this article, then ‘Way to go! Once again.’)

What does it mean for me?

In this article, the main focus is the working environment and hence the examples are related to behavioural preferences at work. This, by no means is an exhaustive list as every person is different and has his/her own behaviour preferences but what this article offers is a generic overview to help our understanding of people’s preferences (related to this dimension). And hopefully answer some questions that you may have; as peer- how do I integrate the team and make people feel like a part of the team; as a manager- what’s the best way to keep the team motivated and effective at the same time? And most importantly, as an individual- understand self better, embrace my strengths and know how to best leverage them.

In the office: Introverts are likely to keep to themselves and be happy with it. They will give information when asked or prefer to leave a file or send an email or meet you one to one rather than in a group to hand-in the information. They are most likely to be focussed on their work, less distracted by conversations around them. It is best to let them take their time to mix with the team, but reach out to them once in a while at a one-to-one level and you will see their response is like that of any other.

As a manager, you might consider a one to one interaction to understand what gets them going, to connect with them and also to work options of where they can be most effective. A hands-off approach may not be very helpful! As a manager, when you put people in the right place, you get much more out of the individuals and much more out of the team too.

In meetings: They are likely to listen and observe. They will come in with a point when asked or when they think it is essential. They are also likely to take notes (detailed or sketchy is another matter). They would think a lot before coming up with a point and are unlikely to speak for the sake of speaking.

As a manager, if you would like to hear their point of view or think their opinion will be of value, do ask them for it. If you are looking for them to make a presentation, it is best to let them know in advance so they don't feel they are in the spotlight, and you are likely to get the best out of them.

In a conference: They are likely to avoid a big gathering, unless they are required to go. When they are required to be a part, they will most likely attend the conference sitting next to someone they know. This is most likely because they don't feel the need to talk to someone new without a reason or objective. It takes up a lot of energy for them to have a conversation with someone new with whom they have not yet discovered a common ground. On the other hand, they are quite likely to have a deep and intense conversation if they discover common interests.

If however, you have to make a speech/ presentation in the conference (or as a manager, you are looking for your team member to speak), it is best to prepare well in advance. As a manager, depending on the objective of participating in the conference, you need to think in advance about who is the best person to be nominated. Is it a conference where you are looking to broaden network, spread word or make initial marketing pitches and reach out to as many people as you can or is it a conference where you are looking to get information from presentations or target a few customers to strengthen the relationship and seal a deal?

At a networking event: Once again, it is not something that an introvert will fancy, but if they have to be a part, they are most likely to attend for a while and leave earlier than others. In the time they stay, they are likely to look for familiar faces and unlikely to be the one to take the initiative to make new connections or talk to someone new at the networking session swiftly moving from one group to another. During the conference and the networking session, they are likely to take a break from the group for their ‘alone time’ to get a breather and recharge before rejoining the larger group.

If you have to attend one, to make the best use of the time, make sure you have done your research of who you’d like to meet, sent them a note earlier and scheduled a brief catch-up. This will help you reaching out to these people in a more focussed way as also help you prepare strategically for the meeting.

At work dinners/ coffee/ networking: Firstly, they might look to avoid if it is a big’ish’ group most of whom they are not very close to or occurring very often. They might perhaps attend depending on who else is attending. Once they figure someone they know is coming too, they are likely to check in. At the dinner, they would most likely choose to sit with the one they know and also towards the end. They may not take the initiative to speak to someone new, but if you take the initiative and introduce yourself, they are most than likely to reciprocate positively.

Finally:

This article is neither intended to leave an impression of an anti-social, shy person for an introvert, nor an image of a larger-than-life, flamboyant extrovert. It is meant to bring to attention what we see around us every day and perhaps not pay much attention to or not think much about it, take it for a fact and move on. This article is intended as a read for those introverts who shy away because they know they are an introvert; it is for those introverts who pretend to be extraverts, may be to be better accepted; as also for the colleagues who either miss their peers who don't talk as much or are not as engaging as the others; for the manager who might have an introvert in their team; and for all of us, to just be more aware!

We all are a mix of both these preferences, but incline more towards one preference than the other. Of course, introversion/extraversion is a spectrum and some people feel more at ease with one of preferences than the other, however, there are those few in the middle of this spectrum (ambivert), and hence they are able to leverage the strength from both preferences depending on the situation. This explains the behaviour of one of my senior colleagues (in my very early days of work life). She was everyone’s favourite, delivering on time, managing relations effectively, making time to stop and talk to the people she met on her way in office, but very often I found her in her office for long stretches of time, doing her thinking. Most mornings she reached office before office hours to spend some time on her own and she requested no one disturbed her. After several years of working and understanding behaviours at work, when I look back, I understand why.

I am sure there are questions in your mind too. Here is the link to a small questionnaire to help you understand if you are leveraging your strengths and gain clarity to claim your success.

https://goo.gl/forms/7upML4kiftpWH6Zc2

(Reach Pooja at pooja@leadership-trail.com to share your views or your experience. Pooja has a Masters Degree in HR, is a licensed user of various psychometric tools such as MBTI, HOGAN, and OPQ32; and is a certified Professional Coach.)

** Client names have been changed to protect their identity

[brentrogers]

Podcast: Male Survivors of Sexual Assault and Abuse



Did you know one in six males are sexually assaulted before their 18th birthday? Unfortunately, many victims are reluctant to come forward due to cultural conditioning. In today’s podcast, Gabe speaks with two psychologists about this very common but somewhat taboo issue. They tackle the prevalent myths surrounding male sexual assault and discuss why so many victims suffer in secrecy.

What can be done? Where can survivors reach out for help? Join us for an in-depth talk on this very important and under-discussed topic.

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

Guest information for ‘Male Sexual Assault’ Podcast Episode

Dr. Joan Cook is a clinical psychologist and Associate Professor in the Yale School of Medicine, Department of Psychiatry. She has over 150 scientific publications in the areas of traumatic stress, geriatric mental health and implementation science fields. Dr. Cook has worked clinically with a range of trauma survivors, including combat veterans and former prisoners of war, men and women who have been physically and sexually assaulted in childhood and adulthood, and survivors of the 2001 terrorist attack on the former World Trade Center.  She has served as the principal investigator on seven federally-funded grants, was a member of the American Psychological Association (APA) Guideline Development Panel for the Treatment of PTSD and the 2016 President of APA’s Division of Trauma Psychology. Since October 2015, she has published over 80 op-eds in places like CNN, TIME Ideas, The Washington Post and The Hill.

Dr. Amy Ellis is a licensed clinical psychologist and the Assistant Director of the Trauma Resolution and Integration Program (TRIP) at Nova Southeastern University. TRIP is a university-based community mental health center that provides specialized psychological services to individuals age 18 and above who have been exposed to a traumatic situation and are currently experiencing problems in functioning as a result of the traumatic experience. Dr. Ellis has also developed specific clinical programming focusing on trauma-informed affirmative care for sexual and gender minorities as well as gender-based services focusing on male-identifying individuals at TRIP. Dr. Ellis is involved in a variety of leadership activities within the American Psychological Association (APA), including service as a Consulting Editor for three peer-reviewed journals, Guest Editor for Practice Innovations on a special issue dedicated to the role of evidence-based relationship variables in working with sexual and gender minorities, and she is also the Editor for APA’s Division 29 (Psychotherapy) website.  

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Male Sexual Assault’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to the Psych Central Podcast, where guest experts in the field of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information using plain, everyday language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Podcast. Calling into the show today, we have Dr. Amy Ellis and Dr. Joan Cook. Amy is a licensed clinical psychologist and the assistant director of the Trauma Resolution and Integration Program at Nova Southeastern University, and Joan is a clinical psychologist and associate professor in the Yale School of Medicine, Department of Psychiatry. Amy and Joan, welcome to the show.

Dr. Joan Cook: Thank you. Happy to be here.

Dr. Amy Ellis: Thank you.

Gabe Howard: Well, I am very glad to have both of you, because we have a really big topic today, we’re going to be discussing male survivors of sexual abuse and assault. And I’m a little bit embarrassed to admit when we first started putting together this episode, I thought to myself, is this a subject that we need to cover? Is it big enough? Aren’t we already discussing it? And the research that I did and the stuff that I learned from both of you, so thank you very much, is that it’s actually sort of under-discussed and underreported.

Dr. Joan Cook: Absolutely. And thank you, Gabe, for admitting to that. I think a lot of health care providers, a lot of the public and many male survivors themselves adhere to a number of male rape myths. We need to talk in this country about how rape and sexual assault of boys and men not only as possible, but actually occurs at high rates. If I could share with you just a snippet of how frequently it occurs.

Gabe Howard: Yeah, please, please. That is my next question. What are the prevalence rates?

Dr. Joan Cook: Ok. So I think a lot of people don’t know this, but at least one in six boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthday. One in six. And this number rises to one in four men who are sexually abused across their lifespan. That’s too many.

Gabe Howard: Obviously, any number is too many.

Dr. Joan Cook: Absolutely.

Gabe Howard: But that stat blew me away. At the start of my research for this episode, I believed that the number was half a percent, like it was just ridiculously low.

Dr. Joan Cook: Right? And I think that’s because, let’s face it, people don’t report sexual assault. Both men and women don’t tend to report it to law enforcement agencies or to the FBI. We just don’t have good crime statistics on these. Why? Shame, embarrassment, minimization, and people not believing survivors. You know, a lot of the research and the clinical scholarship that we have on sexual abuse, including the development and testing of psychosocial interventions, really focuses on women. And that’s important for sure. Absolutely. But men and boys who experience sexual abuse, they’re out there and they’re largely overlooked. They’re stigmatized or shamed by the public and sometimes by health care professionals. It’s just not acceptable.

Gabe Howard: I also noticed that pop culture covers everything. But this is not a trope in pop culture. We see the sexual assault of women in Law & Order SVU in primetime television week after week and marathons all weekend. But I can’t really think of any pop culture representation of sexual assault, rape, or trauma in pop culture at all. Outside of that one movie from the 70s with the banjo and that’s largely regarded as like a horror movie. And do you think that this plays into the public dismissing sexual assault on men and boys?

Dr. Amy Ellis: Absolutely. So what you’re picking up on is that this really just isn’t represented. We have amazing celebrities that come out like Tyler Perry who disclose sexual abuse. But it’s not often enough and it’s often with a lot of snarky comments that are written, a lot of trolling, a lot of other things. And I think this really speaks to the toxic masculinity that’s prevalent in our society. The idea that men should be able to ward off sexual abuse or they’re quote unquote, not real men. And that’s something that kind of pervades even around more kind of socially correct, politically correct people. It’s still that idea of like grow a set, or just step up, or how could you let this happen? It’s still a lot of victim blaming that I know women face as well. But I think even more so around men, which just signals to us that there’s an issue in terms of how we view masculinity in general as a society.

Gabe Howard: I feel that we should point out that, of course, we’re not contrasting and comparing male to female assault and sexual abuse in any sort of competitive nature. It’s just that we want to make sure that everybody gets the help that we need. And your research has determined that there’s a lot of men that aren’t getting the support that they need. I mean, anybody who is sexually abused or sexually assaulted, raped deserves good care. And the fact that your research has determined that a lot of men are being left out of this conversation is obviously very problematic.

Dr. Joan Cook: I appreciate that very much, Gabe, because sometimes and this is what we’ve heard from male survivors, too. Sometimes when they go to survivor meetings, you know, they are seen as perpetrators instead of survivors of violence themselves. And so they’re not as welcome at the survivor table or some survivor tables. And then even when they go to some providers, providers have said like, you know, it’s not possible that you were assaulted or you must be gay. You must have wanted it. And so all of those myths and stereotypes keep people from getting the help that they need and deserve. And working on their path to healing. And also, like you said, it is not a competition. Everyone deserves this kind of validation and attention and help improving their lives.

Gabe Howard: I could not agree more. Amy and Joan, let’s get into the meat of your research. One of the first questions that I have is what are the differences in prevalence rates and clinical presentations of men and women with sexual assault abuse histories?

Dr. Joan Cook: The rates aren’t vastly different. As I’ve mentioned earlier, it’s one in six men before their 18th birthday and then that number increases to one in four. Women do have higher rates. The CDC estimates that one in three women experience sexual assault or violence in their lifetime. The presentation, the PTSD, the substance abuse, the depression, anxiety, the suicidal ideation seems somewhat similar. Both sets of sexual abuse survivors experience it. It seems to us clinically that there’s some very prominent psychological symptoms that men have that don’t fit neatly into our diagnostic classification system. So oftentimes with men who’ve experienced sexual abuse, we see intense anger and it’s always there and it’s always seething. But it particularly comes out when they’re feeling threatened or betrayed. We see a lot of shame, a lot of feeling damaged and worried about their masculinity. We see quite a bit of sexual dysfunction, including low sex drive, erectile problems. There’s a lot of chronic pain, difficulties with sleeping. And believe it or not, you know, we don’t talk a lot about men who have eating disorders or difficulties, but we see that as well, including some negative body image. One thing also that we don’t talk about and probably, too, because this carries some shame, is that we see higher rates of sexually transmitted infections, increased sexual risk for HIV and higher sexual compulsivity. And so I think when they present to us clinically and if they’re not acknowledging a sexual abuse history and not because of their own shame, though, that could be, it could also be they haven’t been able to acknowledge it or label it accurately themselves and then connect that experience to the symptoms that they’re having, that I think we’re treating them for other difficulties instead of what’s really driving their symptoms. So they’re getting inadequate treatment.

Gabe Howard: What are some of the barriers that men face in disclosing sexual abuse and their sexual assault histories?

Dr. Amy Ellis: Well, I think it goes back to that concept of toxic masculinity. And so there’s a lot of cultural influences. So, you know, men are supposed to be powerful and invulnerable. And there’s this idea that men should always welcome sexual activity. So you’ve kind of got this just societal barrier around people wanting to come forward. And I think also it boils down to the consequences of disclosure. So are people going to regard your sexual orientation, make some sort of assumption that because you were sexually assaulted, or you must have wanted it or it says something about you. It could even just be about the risk factors involved, coming forward and wondering if you’re going to actually face more violence or more discrimination as a result. So there’s a lot of negativity there, a lot to be afraid of in terms of coming forward and that disclosure. Joan had alluded to it earlier as well, if you’re going to your doctor and your doctor also disbelieves in these things, you might be repeatedly getting shot down. And so disclosure just isn’t a safe option. I mean, honestly, it also boils down to a lack of resources or a lack of awareness of certain resources. There’s a few non-profits out there that are dedicated to working with masculine identifying individuals. And you have to know that there is a trauma in order to seek out these resources. A lot of men wouldn’t use the label of I’ve been traumatized. I’ve been sexually abused. They just don’t use that language. So really trying to capture men and their experiences and then having them be aware of what might be out there for them.

Gabe Howard: You spoke a couple of times about some of the myths that people believe about male sexual assault survivors. One of them is their sexual orientation. One of them is whether or not they’re strong. What are some other common myths regarding the sexual assault of boys and men?

Dr. Joan Cook: The first, and one of the largest, is the myth that boys and men can’t be forced to have sex against their will. And the truth is, the fact is, is that any individual can be forced to have sex against their will. If someone doesn’t want to have sex or is not able to give fully informed consent, then they’re being forced into unwanted sexual activity. Another huge one is that men who have an erection when assaulted must have wanted it or they must have enjoyed it. And the truth is that many, if not all the men that we work with have experienced unwanted or unintentional arousal during a sexual assault. Just because a man gets an erection in a painful, traumatic experience does not mean they want it. And that kind of arousal from abuse can be confusing for survivors. But what Amy and I say to the people that we work with, and the people that are participating in our large research study, is that like our heart beat or shallow breathing, physiological reactions occur like erections and they’re outside of our control. And that doesn’t mean that you brought it on. There are others, too. We could go on and on. Sadly, there’s many. One that we were reminded recently talking to one of the male survivors who lead these peer led interventions that we have is that if you are abused by a woman, the myth is that you should welcome that. So, you know, hooray for you. And the truth is, no, you should not welcome that at all. So people believe that if an older woman abuses a younger man, that should be considered a good thing. And it’s certainly not. It can have devastating consequences.

Gabe Howard: And we’ve seen this play out nationally more than once where a teacher will sexually assault a teenager. You know, a 12, 13, 14 year old and an adult woman is sexually taking advantage of that person. And we hear the jokes. They’re very common. And I remember this portrayal on South Park where all of the police officers were saying nice and giving the kid five and

Dr. Amy Ellis: Oh, yes.

Gabe Howard: The kid was traumatized. And to South Park’s credit, which I never thought I’d be saying on the show,

Dr. Joan Cook: [Laughter]

Gabe Howard: They were showing how stupid that is. The young boy was portrayed as traumatized. The teacher was portrayed as an abuser, and nobody wanted to do anything about it except for the young boy’s parents. And how ridiculous that looked. Again, very odd that I would bring up South Park in this space. But I do think that they did a good job showing how ridiculous it is that we’re OK with an adult having sex with a child and we all want to give people high fives.

Dr. Amy Ellis: Yeah. It goes right back to those barriers because if you see that happening around you, then why are you going to step forward and disclose? There is a lot to be fearful of. And to be invalidated about.

Gabe Howard: I completely agree with that. Especially for trauma, because sometimes we don’t know how we feel about traumas. We feel that something is wrong. But if the people that we trust the most are praising us, that can be very confusing, right? If the older adults in our lives are like, yeah, that’s great way to go. And you’re like, I feel badly about this, but that’s not what I’m hearing from the people in my life whom I trust.

Dr. Amy Ellis: Absolutely. And so really, family support, peer support, those are actually protective factors. So even when a child is sexually abused, knowing that they have their parents that they can turn to or peers who will be receptive or even school officials who will hear that and validate those experiences, that actually kind of staves off some of the negative consequences of traumatization. And so it really just speaks to the power of being believed. One of the most staggering statistics to me is that on average, men take 25 years to disclose their sexual abuse. That’s almost a lifetime, that’s a quarter of a lifetime of

Gabe Howard: Wow.

Dr. Amy Ellis: Keeping that locked up and inside. And yet we know disclosure and having social support are key factors in someone’s recovery and healing.

Gabe Howard: Please correct me if I’m wrong, but in this case, it’s not a matter of being believed because the adults and the authorities may believe you. They just don’t care or they don’t think that it’s anything to be worried about. So that’s two problems. Problem number one is will I be believed? And problem number two is will I be taken seriously? And I imagine that this is what leads to the statistic of it taking 25 years for a male to report, because they want to make sure that they have their own arsenal, their own agency, or maybe that’s how long it took to meet somebody whom they trust enough to be by their side. I would say probably stereotypically a spouse or maybe other male survivors.

Dr. Joan Cook: Amy and I conducted a number of focus groups a few years back with a variety of survivors, different ages, different race and ethnicities, different sexual orientations. And one of the key things people told us was that they wish we could get to boys and men and help prevent this. And if we couldn’t help prevent this horrible event and for some people, it’s not a single event. It’s ongoing or it happens to them once and then they get revictimized again by someone else at a later point in their life. They said, if you can’t help us to prevent this, can you please help us get to boys and men who’ve had this experience? Help us get to them sooner and help them heal from this. And know, they’re not alone. And one way to do that, that Amy and I have really tried to catapult and take it to the next level is giving people the validation and the support through other male survivors, through peer support. That’s what our latest grant is focused on.

Gabe Howard: We’ll be right back after these messages.

Sponsor Message: Hey folks, Gabe here. I host another podcast for Psych Central. It’s called Not Crazy. He hosts Not Crazy with me, Jackie Zimmerman, and it is all about navigating our lives with mental illness and mental health concerns. Listen now at Psych Central.com/NotCrazy or on your favorite podcast player.

Sponsor Message: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe Howard: We’re back with Dr. Amy Ellis and Dr. Joan Cook discussing male survivors of sexual abuse and assault. Let’s shift gears over to treatment. What are some common treatment themes for male survivors?

Dr. Amy Ellis: First and foremost, when we’re considering treatment, it really starts with defining trauma and traumatization. So as I said, a lot of men do not label their experiences as trauma. That word carries a lot of weight. They seemingly apply it towards combat trauma or an accident and they tend to minimize experiences of unwanted sexual experiences. So just starting with identifying it and then also kind of determining the impact of that on their life, how their trauma has affected their relationships, their work, their symptoms of depression or anxiety, et cetera. As we’re talking about it, it starts to also play into defining and understanding masculinity. So really understanding how someone defines their own masculinity, how they define it in their particular cultural influences and then what their goals are around that. And so debunking these misconceptions or myths about male survivors could be a real focus of treatment. And then honestly, it’s treatment like any other treatment. Working on a lot of the other comorbid symptoms. A lot of men will present with depression and anxiety instead of the typical symptoms that we see in traumatization, post-traumatic stress disorder. And so it just really boils down to focusing on depression, anxiety, how things are playing out in the everyday here and now and tailoring our interventions to make sure that they are considering gender-based principles.

Gabe Howard: I think that people understand post-traumatic stress disorder when it comes to war, because we all acknowledge that war is awful, nobody wants to go to war, we never want to go to war again, it sort of has a good branding message, right? War is bad and it makes you sad. Whereas sexual assault, most people want to have a healthy sex life and they’ve been traumatized sexually. So I imagine that that causes some confusion. I think that it would be very, very difficult to have something that you like hurt you. We are sexual beings. So it’s a desire that most people have. So I can imagine all of those things working together. And then, of course, you take in all of the barriers and misconceptions. I’m starting to get a really good idea of how difficult this can be and how much work that you’ve had to put in to narrow down treatments that work and that men respond to. Is this what you found in your work?

Dr. Amy Ellis: I think you’re hitting it spot on in terms of some of the sexual considerations, you’re nailing down some other treatment themes. A lot of men will come in questioning their sexual orientation or their gender identity because of the experiences that have happened for them. And also exploring how to have a healthy sex life. So sometimes we’ll see sexual compulsivity or hypersexuality. Sometimes we see hyposexuality. So lack of sex drive or difficulties with maintaining an erection, as Joan had said earlier, too. So it is common for male survivors to come in and question and cope with some of these issues on a somewhat regular basis. And part of what helps is having that peer support, knowing, oh, you too. I’m not alone. So I think really the peer based support is what we have found really is aimed at healing.

Gabe Howard: Aside from peer support, which we’ve discussed and going to a therapist, what are some professional and community resources for men with histories of sexual abuse and assault?

Dr. Joan Cook: Well, there are quite a number of professional and community resources. Some of our favorites, there’s a wonderful non-profit organization, been around for at least 25 years. It’s called MaleSurvivor. It’s based out of New York City. It provides online free discussion groups for survivors and family members, chat rooms, a therapist directory. There’s another wonderful organization called MenHealing, which is based out of Utah. And they host weekends of healing, they call them, and they’re sort of retreats where you can go and meet other survivors. And they’re led by professionals. Certainly, within the APA, Amy and I have been very active in Division 56, which is the division of trauma psychology. And on their Web site, we developed free Web based resources for male survivors and for psychologists who are looking to work with male survivors clinically and research wise.

Gabe Howard: To shift gears a little bit along the same lines, what are some resources for family members and friends to help male sexual abuse survivors?

Dr. Joan Cook: On those Web sites, MenHealing and MaleSurvivor, they do have discussion forums and fact sheets that family members can go to and read about and see. I also like the V.A. has what’s called a National Center for PTSD. And on there they have, again, free factsheets, web resources, and they have incredible videos called About Face. And they feature veterans with a range of traumas, combat, military, sexual trauma, etc. And family members talking about the pain that they have experienced and the pathways to their healing. Some of the veterans who have a range of trauma experiences don’t receive the support and care that they deserve and their need. Understandably, their family members don’t understand or if they’re jacked up with their symptoms and they’re angry all the time. Those family members can be traumatized as well. So sometimes it’s not as easy for the veterans to explain themselves to their friends and family members. And it’s not so easy for their family members to come in and talk to a psychologist like me and Amy and receive psycho education and support. So sometimes these videos can be really helpful. So sometimes I will tell the veterans that I work with, ask your family member if they’re willing to sit privately, in the confines of their own home, and watch some of these videos and see some of the family members talk about their experiences. And sometimes it’s a little easier to be more empathetic to someone else than it is to be empathetic to your own loved one.

Gabe Howard: Joan, that is so true, we see that in substance abuse. We see that in mental illness. I am not surprised to hear how powerful peer support is, and I’m not surprised to hear how powerful it is to meet with other people outside of your friends and family to get the support you need, because this is big. This is a big thing. And you, you and Amy, have both taught me so much. Thank you. Thank you for everything. I really, really appreciate it.

Dr. Amy Ellis: Oh, my God thank you. Thank you for giving us this space.

Dr. Joan Cook: Exactly. We are in awe and extremely grateful. Thank you for helping us shed light on this very deserving and marginalized population.

Gabe Howard: Oh, it is my pleasure. Amy, I understand that you and Joan are running a study. Can you give us the details and where to find the study?

Dr. Amy Ellis: Yes, absolutely. We have a large study going on right now where we’re recruiting folks who are male, identifying sexual abuse survivors. And we’re going to be randomizing them to groups of their peers, led by male identifying peers who have gone through like 30 to 40 hours of training. And it’s six one and a half hour sessions that participants can go in to. So check out our Web site. It’s www.PeersForMensHealthStudy.com. We are actively recruiting through 2021 and we will just be constantly running groups over and over and over again as we get more people. And even if you are a professional, there’s our contact information on there, we’re happy to consult, talk, et cetera. If you have people you want to refer to or you just want to check out more about our team and what we’re doing, we’d love to connect with you. Always looking to spread the word and spread education.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much, Amy. And please share the Web site with anybody you know who may need it. Again, it’s PeersForMensHealthStudy.com. And of course, the show notes will contain the link as well. Thank you all for listening to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Podcast. And remember, you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counselling anytime, anywhere, simply by visiting to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. Also, wherever you downloaded this podcast, please give us as many stars as you feel comfortable with. Use your words. Tell us why you like it. Share us on social media. If you have any questions about the show, you can hit us up at show@PsychCentral.com. Tell us what you like, what you don’t, or what topics you would like to see. We’ll see everybody next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to The Psych Central Podcast. Want your audience to be wowed at your next event? Feature an appearance and LIVE RECORDING of the Psych Central Podcast right from your stage! For more details, or to book an event, please email us at show@psychcentral.com. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/Show or on your favorite podcast player. Psych Central is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website run by mental health professionals. Overseen by Dr. John Grohol, Psych Central offers trusted resources and quizzes to help answer your questions about mental health, personality, psychotherapy, and more. Please visit us today at PsychCentral.com.  To learn more about our host, Gabe Howard, please visit his website at gabehoward.com. Thank you for listening and please share with your friends, family, and followers.

  Podcast: Male Survivors of Sexual Assault and Abuse syndicated from

[positivepsychologyinterventions]

Podcast: Male Survivors of Sexual Assault and Abuse



Did you know one in six males are sexually assaulted before their 18th birthday? Unfortunately, many victims are reluctant to come forward due to cultural conditioning. In today’s podcast, Gabe speaks with two psychologists about this very common but somewhat taboo issue. They tackle the prevalent myths surrounding male sexual assault and discuss why so many victims suffer in secrecy.

What can be done? Where can survivors reach out for help? Join us for an in-depth talk on this very important and under-discussed topic.

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

Guest information for ‘Male Sexual Assault’ Podcast Episode

Dr. Joan Cook is a clinical psychologist and Associate Professor in the Yale School of Medicine, Department of Psychiatry. She has over 150 scientific publications in the areas of traumatic stress, geriatric mental health and implementation science fields. Dr. Cook has worked clinically with a range of trauma survivors, including combat veterans and former prisoners of war, men and women who have been physically and sexually assaulted in childhood and adulthood, and survivors of the 2001 terrorist attack on the former World Trade Center.  She has served as the principal investigator on seven federally-funded grants, was a member of the American Psychological Association (APA) Guideline Development Panel for the Treatment of PTSD and the 2016 President of APA’s Division of Trauma Psychology. Since October 2015, she has published over 80 op-eds in places like CNN, TIME Ideas, The Washington Post and The Hill.

Dr. Amy Ellis is a licensed clinical psychologist and the Assistant Director of the Trauma Resolution and Integration Program (TRIP) at Nova Southeastern University. TRIP is a university-based community mental health center that provides specialized psychological services to individuals age 18 and above who have been exposed to a traumatic situation and are currently experiencing problems in functioning as a result of the traumatic experience. Dr. Ellis has also developed specific clinical programming focusing on trauma-informed affirmative care for sexual and gender minorities as well as gender-based services focusing on male-identifying individuals at TRIP. Dr. Ellis is involved in a variety of leadership activities within the American Psychological Association (APA), including service as a Consulting Editor for three peer-reviewed journals, Guest Editor for Practice Innovations on a special issue dedicated to the role of evidence-based relationship variables in working with sexual and gender minorities, and she is also the Editor for APA’s Division 29 (Psychotherapy) website.  

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Male Sexual Assault’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to the Psych Central Podcast, where guest experts in the field of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information using plain, everyday language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Podcast. Calling into the show today, we have Dr. Amy Ellis and Dr. Joan Cook. Amy is a licensed clinical psychologist and the assistant director of the Trauma Resolution and Integration Program at Nova Southeastern University, and Joan is a clinical psychologist and associate professor in the Yale School of Medicine, Department of Psychiatry. Amy and Joan, welcome to the show.

Dr. Joan Cook: Thank you. Happy to be here.

Dr. Amy Ellis: Thank you.

Gabe Howard: Well, I am very glad to have both of you, because we have a really big topic today, we’re going to be discussing male survivors of sexual abuse and assault. And I’m a little bit embarrassed to admit when we first started putting together this episode, I thought to myself, is this a subject that we need to cover? Is it big enough? Aren’t we already discussing it? And the research that I did and the stuff that I learned from both of you, so thank you very much, is that it’s actually sort of under-discussed and underreported.

Dr. Joan Cook: Absolutely. And thank you, Gabe, for admitting to that. I think a lot of health care providers, a lot of the public and many male survivors themselves adhere to a number of male rape myths. We need to talk in this country about how rape and sexual assault of boys and men not only as possible, but actually occurs at high rates. If I could share with you just a snippet of how frequently it occurs.

Gabe Howard: Yeah, please, please. That is my next question. What are the prevalence rates?

Dr. Joan Cook: Ok. So I think a lot of people don’t know this, but at least one in six boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthday. One in six. And this number rises to one in four men who are sexually abused across their lifespan. That’s too many.

Gabe Howard: Obviously, any number is too many.

Dr. Joan Cook: Absolutely.

Gabe Howard: But that stat blew me away. At the start of my research for this episode, I believed that the number was half a percent, like it was just ridiculously low.

Dr. Joan Cook: Right? And I think that’s because, let’s face it, people don’t report sexual assault. Both men and women don’t tend to report it to law enforcement agencies or to the FBI. We just don’t have good crime statistics on these. Why? Shame, embarrassment, minimization, and people not believing survivors. You know, a lot of the research and the clinical scholarship that we have on sexual abuse, including the development and testing of psychosocial interventions, really focuses on women. And that’s important for sure. Absolutely. But men and boys who experience sexual abuse, they’re out there and they’re largely overlooked. They’re stigmatized or shamed by the public and sometimes by health care professionals. It’s just not acceptable.

Gabe Howard: I also noticed that pop culture covers everything. But this is not a trope in pop culture. We see the sexual assault of women in Law & Order SVU in primetime television week after week and marathons all weekend. But I can’t really think of any pop culture representation of sexual assault, rape, or trauma in pop culture at all. Outside of that one movie from the 70s with the banjo and that’s largely regarded as like a horror movie. And do you think that this plays into the public dismissing sexual assault on men and boys?

Dr. Amy Ellis: Absolutely. So what you’re picking up on is that this really just isn’t represented. We have amazing celebrities that come out like Tyler Perry who disclose sexual abuse. But it’s not often enough and it’s often with a lot of snarky comments that are written, a lot of trolling, a lot of other things. And I think this really speaks to the toxic masculinity that’s prevalent in our society. The idea that men should be able to ward off sexual abuse or they’re quote unquote, not real men. And that’s something that kind of pervades even around more kind of socially correct, politically correct people. It’s still that idea of like grow a set, or just step up, or how could you let this happen? It’s still a lot of victim blaming that I know women face as well. But I think even more so around men, which just signals to us that there’s an issue in terms of how we view masculinity in general as a society.

Gabe Howard: I feel that we should point out that, of course, we’re not contrasting and comparing male to female assault and sexual abuse in any sort of competitive nature. It’s just that we want to make sure that everybody gets the help that we need. And your research has determined that there’s a lot of men that aren’t getting the support that they need. I mean, anybody who is sexually abused or sexually assaulted, raped deserves good care. And the fact that your research has determined that a lot of men are being left out of this conversation is obviously very problematic.

Dr. Joan Cook: I appreciate that very much, Gabe, because sometimes and this is what we’ve heard from male survivors, too. Sometimes when they go to survivor meetings, you know, they are seen as perpetrators instead of survivors of violence themselves. And so they’re not as welcome at the survivor table or some survivor tables. And then even when they go to some providers, providers have said like, you know, it’s not possible that you were assaulted or you must be gay. You must have wanted it. And so all of those myths and stereotypes keep people from getting the help that they need and deserve. And working on their path to healing. And also, like you said, it is not a competition. Everyone deserves this kind of validation and attention and help improving their lives.

Gabe Howard: I could not agree more. Amy and Joan, let’s get into the meat of your research. One of the first questions that I have is what are the differences in prevalence rates and clinical presentations of men and women with sexual assault abuse histories?

Dr. Joan Cook: The rates aren’t vastly different. As I’ve mentioned earlier, it’s one in six men before their 18th birthday and then that number increases to one in four. Women do have higher rates. The CDC estimates that one in three women experience sexual assault or violence in their lifetime. The presentation, the PTSD, the substance abuse, the depression, anxiety, the suicidal ideation seems somewhat similar. Both sets of sexual abuse survivors experience it. It seems to us clinically that there’s some very prominent psychological symptoms that men have that don’t fit neatly into our diagnostic classification system. So oftentimes with men who’ve experienced sexual abuse, we see intense anger and it’s always there and it’s always seething. But it particularly comes out when they’re feeling threatened or betrayed. We see a lot of shame, a lot of feeling damaged and worried about their masculinity. We see quite a bit of sexual dysfunction, including low sex drive, erectile problems. There’s a lot of chronic pain, difficulties with sleeping. And believe it or not, you know, we don’t talk a lot about men who have eating disorders or difficulties, but we see that as well, including some negative body image. One thing also that we don’t talk about and probably, too, because this carries some shame, is that we see higher rates of sexually transmitted infections, increased sexual risk for HIV and higher sexual compulsivity. And so I think when they present to us clinically and if they’re not acknowledging a sexual abuse history and not because of their own shame, though, that could be, it could also be they haven’t been able to acknowledge it or label it accurately themselves and then connect that experience to the symptoms that they’re having, that I think we’re treating them for other difficulties instead of what’s really driving their symptoms. So they’re getting inadequate treatment.

Gabe Howard: What are some of the barriers that men face in disclosing sexual abuse and their sexual assault histories?

Dr. Amy Ellis: Well, I think it goes back to that concept of toxic masculinity. And so there’s a lot of cultural influences. So, you know, men are supposed to be powerful and invulnerable. And there’s this idea that men should always welcome sexual activity. So you’ve kind of got this just societal barrier around people wanting to come forward. And I think also it boils down to the consequences of disclosure. So are people going to regard your sexual orientation, make some sort of assumption that because you were sexually assaulted, or you must have wanted it or it says something about you. It could even just be about the risk factors involved, coming forward and wondering if you’re going to actually face more violence or more discrimination as a result. So there’s a lot of negativity there, a lot to be afraid of in terms of coming forward and that disclosure. Joan had alluded to it earlier as well, if you’re going to your doctor and your doctor also disbelieves in these things, you might be repeatedly getting shot down. And so disclosure just isn’t a safe option. I mean, honestly, it also boils down to a lack of resources or a lack of awareness of certain resources. There’s a few non-profits out there that are dedicated to working with masculine identifying individuals. And you have to know that there is a trauma in order to seek out these resources. A lot of men wouldn’t use the label of I’ve been traumatized. I’ve been sexually abused. They just don’t use that language. So really trying to capture men and their experiences and then having them be aware of what might be out there for them.

Gabe Howard: You spoke a couple of times about some of the myths that people believe about male sexual assault survivors. One of them is their sexual orientation. One of them is whether or not they’re strong. What are some other common myths regarding the sexual assault of boys and men?

Dr. Joan Cook: The first, and one of the largest, is the myth that boys and men can’t be forced to have sex against their will. And the truth is, the fact is, is that any individual can be forced to have sex against their will. If someone doesn’t want to have sex or is not able to give fully informed consent, then they’re being forced into unwanted sexual activity. Another huge one is that men who have an erection when assaulted must have wanted it or they must have enjoyed it. And the truth is that many, if not all the men that we work with have experienced unwanted or unintentional arousal during a sexual assault. Just because a man gets an erection in a painful, traumatic experience does not mean they want it. And that kind of arousal from abuse can be confusing for survivors. But what Amy and I say to the people that we work with, and the people that are participating in our large research study, is that like our heart beat or shallow breathing, physiological reactions occur like erections and they’re outside of our control. And that doesn’t mean that you brought it on. There are others, too. We could go on and on. Sadly, there’s many. One that we were reminded recently talking to one of the male survivors who lead these peer led interventions that we have is that if you are abused by a woman, the myth is that you should welcome that. So, you know, hooray for you. And the truth is, no, you should not welcome that at all. So people believe that if an older woman abuses a younger man, that should be considered a good thing. And it’s certainly not. It can have devastating consequences.

Gabe Howard: And we’ve seen this play out nationally more than once where a teacher will sexually assault a teenager. You know, a 12, 13, 14 year old and an adult woman is sexually taking advantage of that person. And we hear the jokes. They’re very common. And I remember this portrayal on South Park where all of the police officers were saying nice and giving the kid five and

Dr. Amy Ellis: Oh, yes.

Gabe Howard: The kid was traumatized. And to South Park’s credit, which I never thought I’d be saying on the show,

Dr. Joan Cook: [Laughter]

Gabe Howard: They were showing how stupid that is. The young boy was portrayed as traumatized. The teacher was portrayed as an abuser, and nobody wanted to do anything about it except for the young boy’s parents. And how ridiculous that looked. Again, very odd that I would bring up South Park in this space. But I do think that they did a good job showing how ridiculous it is that we’re OK with an adult having sex with a child and we all want to give people high fives.

Dr. Amy Ellis: Yeah. It goes right back to those barriers because if you see that happening around you, then why are you going to step forward and disclose? There is a lot to be fearful of. And to be invalidated about.

Gabe Howard: I completely agree with that. Especially for trauma, because sometimes we don’t know how we feel about traumas. We feel that something is wrong. But if the people that we trust the most are praising us, that can be very confusing, right? If the older adults in our lives are like, yeah, that’s great way to go. And you’re like, I feel badly about this, but that’s not what I’m hearing from the people in my life whom I trust.

Dr. Amy Ellis: Absolutely. And so really, family support, peer support, those are actually protective factors. So even when a child is sexually abused, knowing that they have their parents that they can turn to or peers who will be receptive or even school officials who will hear that and validate those experiences, that actually kind of staves off some of the negative consequences of traumatization. And so it really just speaks to the power of being believed. One of the most staggering statistics to me is that on average, men take 25 years to disclose their sexual abuse. That’s almost a lifetime, that’s a quarter of a lifetime of

Gabe Howard: Wow.

Dr. Amy Ellis: Keeping that locked up and inside. And yet we know disclosure and having social support are key factors in someone’s recovery and healing.

Gabe Howard: Please correct me if I’m wrong, but in this case, it’s not a matter of being believed because the adults and the authorities may believe you. They just don’t care or they don’t think that it’s anything to be worried about. So that’s two problems. Problem number one is will I be believed? And problem number two is will I be taken seriously? And I imagine that this is what leads to the statistic of it taking 25 years for a male to report, because they want to make sure that they have their own arsenal, their own agency, or maybe that’s how long it took to meet somebody whom they trust enough to be by their side. I would say probably stereotypically a spouse or maybe other male survivors.

Dr. Joan Cook: Amy and I conducted a number of focus groups a few years back with a variety of survivors, different ages, different race and ethnicities, different sexual orientations. And one of the key things people told us was that they wish we could get to boys and men and help prevent this. And if we couldn’t help prevent this horrible event and for some people, it’s not a single event. It’s ongoing or it happens to them once and then they get revictimized again by someone else at a later point in their life. They said, if you can’t help us to prevent this, can you please help us get to boys and men who’ve had this experience? Help us get to them sooner and help them heal from this. And know, they’re not alone. And one way to do that, that Amy and I have really tried to catapult and take it to the next level is giving people the validation and the support through other male survivors, through peer support. That’s what our latest grant is focused on.

Gabe Howard: We’ll be right back after these messages.

Sponsor Message: Hey folks, Gabe here. I host another podcast for Psych Central. It’s called Not Crazy. He hosts Not Crazy with me, Jackie Zimmerman, and it is all about navigating our lives with mental illness and mental health concerns. Listen now at Psych Central.com/NotCrazy or on your favorite podcast player.

Sponsor Message: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe Howard: We’re back with Dr. Amy Ellis and Dr. Joan Cook discussing male survivors of sexual abuse and assault. Let’s shift gears over to treatment. What are some common treatment themes for male survivors?

Dr. Amy Ellis: First and foremost, when we’re considering treatment, it really starts with defining trauma and traumatization. So as I said, a lot of men do not label their experiences as trauma. That word carries a lot of weight. They seemingly apply it towards combat trauma or an accident and they tend to minimize experiences of unwanted sexual experiences. So just starting with identifying it and then also kind of determining the impact of that on their life, how their trauma has affected their relationships, their work, their symptoms of depression or anxiety, et cetera. As we’re talking about it, it starts to also play into defining and understanding masculinity. So really understanding how someone defines their own masculinity, how they define it in their particular cultural influences and then what their goals are around that. And so debunking these misconceptions or myths about male survivors could be a real focus of treatment. And then honestly, it’s treatment like any other treatment. Working on a lot of the other comorbid symptoms. A lot of men will present with depression and anxiety instead of the typical symptoms that we see in traumatization, post-traumatic stress disorder. And so it just really boils down to focusing on depression, anxiety, how things are playing out in the everyday here and now and tailoring our interventions to make sure that they are considering gender-based principles.

Gabe Howard: I think that people understand post-traumatic stress disorder when it comes to war, because we all acknowledge that war is awful, nobody wants to go to war, we never want to go to war again, it sort of has a good branding message, right? War is bad and it makes you sad. Whereas sexual assault, most people want to have a healthy sex life and they’ve been traumatized sexually. So I imagine that that causes some confusion. I think that it would be very, very difficult to have something that you like hurt you. We are sexual beings. So it’s a desire that most people have. So I can imagine all of those things working together. And then, of course, you take in all of the barriers and misconceptions. I’m starting to get a really good idea of how difficult this can be and how much work that you’ve had to put in to narrow down treatments that work and that men respond to. Is this what you found in your work?

Dr. Amy Ellis: I think you’re hitting it spot on in terms of some of the sexual considerations, you’re nailing down some other treatment themes. A lot of men will come in questioning their sexual orientation or their gender identity because of the experiences that have happened for them. And also exploring how to have a healthy sex life. So sometimes we’ll see sexual compulsivity or hypersexuality. Sometimes we see hyposexuality. So lack of sex drive or difficulties with maintaining an erection, as Joan had said earlier, too. So it is common for male survivors to come in and question and cope with some of these issues on a somewhat regular basis. And part of what helps is having that peer support, knowing, oh, you too. I’m not alone. So I think really the peer based support is what we have found really is aimed at healing.

Gabe Howard: Aside from peer support, which we’ve discussed and going to a therapist, what are some professional and community resources for men with histories of sexual abuse and assault?

Dr. Joan Cook: Well, there are quite a number of professional and community resources. Some of our favorites, there’s a wonderful non-profit organization, been around for at least 25 years. It’s called MaleSurvivor. It’s based out of New York City. It provides online free discussion groups for survivors and family members, chat rooms, a therapist directory. There’s another wonderful organization called MenHealing, which is based out of Utah. And they host weekends of healing, they call them, and they’re sort of retreats where you can go and meet other survivors. And they’re led by professionals. Certainly, within the APA, Amy and I have been very active in Division 56, which is the division of trauma psychology. And on their Web site, we developed free Web based resources for male survivors and for psychologists who are looking to work with male survivors clinically and research wise.

Gabe Howard: To shift gears a little bit along the same lines, what are some resources for family members and friends to help male sexual abuse survivors?

Dr. Joan Cook: On those Web sites, MenHealing and MaleSurvivor, they do have discussion forums and fact sheets that family members can go to and read about and see. I also like the V.A. has what’s called a National Center for PTSD. And on there they have, again, free factsheets, web resources, and they have incredible videos called About Face. And they feature veterans with a range of traumas, combat, military, sexual trauma, etc. And family members talking about the pain that they have experienced and the pathways to their healing. Some of the veterans who have a range of trauma experiences don’t receive the support and care that they deserve and their need. Understandably, their family members don’t understand or if they’re jacked up with their symptoms and they’re angry all the time. Those family members can be traumatized as well. So sometimes it’s not as easy for the veterans to explain themselves to their friends and family members. And it’s not so easy for their family members to come in and talk to a psychologist like me and Amy and receive psycho education and support. So sometimes these videos can be really helpful. So sometimes I will tell the veterans that I work with, ask your family member if they’re willing to sit privately, in the confines of their own home, and watch some of these videos and see some of the family members talk about their experiences. And sometimes it’s a little easier to be more empathetic to someone else than it is to be empathetic to your own loved one.

Gabe Howard: Joan, that is so true, we see that in substance abuse. We see that in mental illness. I am not surprised to hear how powerful peer support is, and I’m not surprised to hear how powerful it is to meet with other people outside of your friends and family to get the support you need, because this is big. This is a big thing. And you, you and Amy, have both taught me so much. Thank you. Thank you for everything. I really, really appreciate it.

Dr. Amy Ellis: Oh, my God thank you. Thank you for giving us this space.

Dr. Joan Cook: Exactly. We are in awe and extremely grateful. Thank you for helping us shed light on this very deserving and marginalized population.

Gabe Howard: Oh, it is my pleasure. Amy, I understand that you and Joan are running a study. Can you give us the details and where to find the study?

Dr. Amy Ellis: Yes, absolutely. We have a large study going on right now where we’re recruiting folks who are male, identifying sexual abuse survivors. And we’re going to be randomizing them to groups of their peers, led by male identifying peers who have gone through like 30 to 40 hours of training. And it’s six one and a half hour sessions that participants can go in to. So check out our Web site. It’s www.PeersForMensHealthStudy.com. We are actively recruiting through 2021 and we will just be constantly running groups over and over and over again as we get more people. And even if you are a professional, there’s our contact information on there, we’re happy to consult, talk, et cetera. If you have people you want to refer to or you just want to check out more about our team and what we’re doing, we’d love to connect with you. Always looking to spread the word and spread education.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much, Amy. And please share the Web site with anybody you know who may need it. Again, it’s PeersForMensHealthStudy.com. And of course, the show notes will contain the link as well. Thank you all for listening to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Podcast. And remember, you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counselling anytime, anywhere, simply by visiting to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. Also, wherever you downloaded this podcast, please give us as many stars as you feel comfortable with. Use your words. Tell us why you like it. Share us on social media. If you have any questions about the show, you can hit us up at show@PsychCentral.com. Tell us what you like, what you don’t, or what topics you would like to see. We’ll see everybody next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to The Psych Central Podcast. Want your audience to be wowed at your next event? Feature an appearance and LIVE RECORDING of the Psych Central Podcast right from your stage! For more details, or to book an event, please email us at show@psychcentral.com. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/Show or on your favorite podcast player. Psych Central is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website run by mental health professionals. Overseen by Dr. John Grohol, Psych Central offers trusted resources and quizzes to help answer your questions about mental health, personality, psychotherapy, and more. Please visit us today at PsychCentral.com.  To learn more about our host, Gabe Howard, please visit his website at gabehoward.com. Thank you for listening and please share with your friends, family, and followers.

  from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2Q4K3tt via IFTTT

[survivingfroshyr]

Application and Admission

“I plan for my next post to be about my application and admission process; how, when, and where I applied; where I was accepted, what I thought about the colleges, what I was looking for, etc. Then, I’ll be documenting my post-commitment journey so far, and in the future!” (from my last post)

So, here’s how my admission process kind of went, the results, and why I decided on Smith College!

Applications

In about October of my senior year, we began working on our Common App essays in my AP Literature and Composition class. Our teacher helped us brainstorm, draft, edit, and finalize our essays, and we had many chances to have them peer reviewed and peer edited. It was very structured and I found it incredibly helpful, mostly because it kept me on-schedule. I wrote about being in my high school’s inaugural orchestra as the only cellist (there were only, say, 9 kids in orchestra) even though I hadn’t played since fifth grade. I’m a generally good writer, although I tend to overuse commas and have an issue with the whole “show don’t tell” thing.

I did not have class time or assistance from my teacher while writing my supplemental essays. I pushed them off--way, way off. If I could change one thing about my application process, it would be how much time I put into it. My supplemental essays all got finished very last minute, like I’m talking a week or even days before the deadline. I was so stressed about them and I didn’t feel like I was letting myself shine through because I just didn’t give myself enough time to work on them. If I had started earlier, I would have been much happier with them.

I submitted all my applications last-minute through the Common App to nine schools, all of which I had visited and liked about the same amount, with Vassar and Smith being my top choices and UMass Amherst being at the bottom.

I didn’t do any interviews before applying, which is a big regret of mine. I was under the impression that you had to have applied to do an interview. I don’t know where I got that idea from, but that’s what I thought, and as I didn’t get my applications in until right up to each school’s deadline, lots of schools’ interview periods were almost over. The only interview I did was with Dartmouth, with an alum who had never done an interview before, but it went well! I wish that I had done more at more schools that were between safety and reach schools.

As for my application, here are some things that probably looked good on paper:

above a 4.0 GPA (weighted, including art, religion, and phys ed classes)

hispanic/latina and female

both parents have a graduates degree

went to a college prep school and was still ranked high in my class

6 AP classes (Language and Composition, Calculus AB, US History my Junior year; Literature and Composition, French Language and Culture, and Calculus BC my Senior year) - passed all 3 Junior year exams, with high scores except US History (the devil’s class imo)

had plenty of art credits (4.75 credits - 9.5 semesters’ worth)

math, science, foreign language, social studies, and English all 4 years

French and honor roll awards

high SAT composite score

volunteered at school events, though not much outside of school (regrettably)

ran cross country for 3 years (though I was the worst on the JV team lol) and did the school musical for 4, and was part of the inaugural orchestra

Schools

In a college, I was looking for liberal arts schools, mostly smaller, with a good reputation and a good math department. I looked in New England and New York. I didn’t know what I wanted to major in (I still don’t), but I know I enjoy math and care about social issues and wanted a generally liberal school with a strong LGBT+ community, varied courses, smaller class sizes, and close teacher-student relationships.

Here’s where I applied, my thoughts, and the result.

Vassar College - reach school - my top choice, beautiful campus, newly redone dining hall, great academics and reputation, small town, detached, far from home - denied acceptance

Dartmouth College - reach school - I liked the quarter system and sophomore summer idea, also detached and kind of isolated, gorgeous location, great outdoors program - denied acceptance

Mount Holyoke College - safety school - small, all women’s (which I was open to but not specifically looking for), seemed humanities-oriented, pretty - accepted

Smith College - small, all women’s, more STEM-oriented than Mnt Holyoke I felt, botanical gardens!, great downtown, close to my uncle and his family, good first-year programs - accepted & committed

Wellesley College - all women’s, VERY focused on female empowerment and diversity (which is a plus but I felt like at least my tour guide overlooked academics to talk about it), nice school and similar to others I saw but didn’t really wow me in any way, my mom’s alma mater - waitlisted

Williams College - reach school - pretty campus, great service and research opportunities, blended in to me a little like Wellesley - denied acceptance

UMass Amherst - safety school - HUGE (downside for me), tons of class choices, great facilities, super cheap for me because I live in MA and my mom works in the UMass system - accepted

Skidmore College - Saratoga Springs was an amazing location (like the best of any of the colleges imo), arts-oriented, good dining, good study-abroad programs, good first-year programs - accepted

Boston College - very near home, bigger, seemed less personal than Skidmore or Smith or Mnt Holyoke, a little more athletics-focused (but not overly so), good first-year programs - accepted

Decision Making

After hearing back from all the schools, I decided it was between Smith, Skidmore, and Boston College. It was an incredibly difficult decision for me, and what really helped was the accepted students’ days/revisiting the school.

I attended Skidmore’s accepted students’ day first. I had a great time and really enjoyed how much focus was put on a liberal arts education and the arts themselves. A psyche professor also gave a mock lecture to the entire group, so even though it was a huge group of people listening and I know nothing about psychology, it was engaging and fun. I also took a bus tour of Saratoga Springs, which was a huge draw to the school. It’s a great location, and with most of Saratoga’s big crowd-drawing events in the summer, there was plenty to do and places to go without it being really crowded during the school year. After the accepted students’ day, I was thinking it would be impossible to decide on a school.

Then I attended Boston College’s “Admitted Eagles’ Day.” There were a ton of people and I felt the presentations focused more on academics than on teacher-student connections. I’d also heard that BC’s housing was pretty bad, and I wasn’t able to see a dorm room because they only had a few open and there was a giant line. Still, the proximity to both Boston and home was a huge draw for me, and I was still absolutely torn about where to go. I still had no idea where I was going to end up committing.

I wasn’t able to go to Smith’s accepted students’ days because of timing issues and upcoming AP exams, but I stayed with my uncle and aunt (who works at Smith) in Northampton for a night and saw Smith again anyways. My cousin, who is the same age as me but spends tons of time on campus because of my aunt’s job, gave me a quick tour of downtown Northampton and the campus, and then we parted ways. One of my childhood best friends is in the class of ‘22, so I sat in on her math class, grabbed lunch in a dining hall with her, chatted, and saw her dorm.

I really felt drawn to the atmosphere at Smith. It was similar to Skidmore’s, but I felt like there was more focus on STEM subjects (which may just have been my perception, but that’s how I felt). There was obvious LGBT+ presence and students of color making their voices heard, and my friend told me about tons of great events that she had attended in her first semester and the beginning of her second semester. She told me about all the upperclassmen friends she had made and how they helped her get an internship and how she loved her astronomy professor and advisor. I felt like she really enjoyed being at Smith, and I just had such a gut feeling that it was the right place for me, too. I went home and immediately knew that that’s where I was going to commit. My mom said she could tell from the first time I toured it back in my junior year of high school.

[newstfionline]

Aretha Franklin started with gospel, ended with soul at age 76

Adelle M. Banks, Religion News Service, Aug. 17, 2018

(RNS)--Aretha Franklin, a singer who began her career with gospel music and was later crowned the “Queen of Soul,” died Thursday (Aug. 16) after battling a range of health issues. She was 76.

Often simply called “Aretha,” Franklin got her start in the Detroit church of her pastor father, the Rev. C.L. Franklin. She was first recorded at his New Bethel Baptist Church on the album “Spirituals” at age 14.

“Aretha, like Al Green, is one of the few artists who is universally accepted in the black church,” Bil Carpenter, author of “Uncloudy Days: The Gospel Music Encyclopedia,” told Religion News Service. “The church often shuns artists who sing R&B as backsliders and reject them when they come back and sing gospel. However, Aretha’s always been given a pass.”

When Franklin, a Memphis, Tenn., native, who was raised in Detroit, was awarded the 2005 Presidential Medal of Freedom by then-President George W. Bush, the citation noted: “Her instantly recognizable voice has captivated listeners ever since she toured with her father’s gospel revue in the 1950s.”

Gospel and soul singer Candi Staton, who traveled on the gospel circuit with Franklin during that decade when they were teens, recalled that her friend was a “gifted singer even as a young girl,” though no one knew then all the hits that would follow with her unique voice.

“What I love about it is that she never lost her connection to the church and that church training was always channeled through her music regardless of what she was singing,” Staton told RNS. “She took you to church even if she was singing about a no-good man.”

Carpenter said Franklin, a lifelong Baptist whose mother and sisters were gospel singers, continued to represent her church roots on stage and on some of her secular albums for decades after that, and influenced artists in genres stretching from R&B to country. But Franklin also inspired a range of gospel artists, from Richard Smallwood and The Hawkins Family to artists who came after them, such as Karen Clark Sheard, Donald Lawrence and Anita Wilson.

“It’s the sheer power of her voice and the unique phrasing that distinguish her from her peers. In her prime, Aretha’s voice took listeners to a place that few other artists’ voices could take them,” Carpenter said. “Whether she was singing a Broadway tune, a Jazz standard or an R&B song, she always brought that authentic black gospel flavor to it.”

The singer who is known for “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman” and “Respect” gave a nod to faith in the toe-tapping love song “I Say a Little Prayer.” She begins her solo with “The moment I wake up/Before I put on my makeup/I say a little” before backup singers chime in with “prayer for you.”

Her best-selling album, “Amazing Grace,” a 1972 release, is among five Franklin recordings that are featured in the Grammy Hall of Fame.

“Critics always talked about the gospel feeling in Aretha’s voice so it was a very big deal when she finally made a proper gospel album like ‘Amazing Grace,’” Carpenter said. “For years, it was the best-selling gospel album by a woman ever … until Whitney Houston’s ‘The Preacher’s Wife’ stole that top position at 3 million units.”

Franklin’s two-record set includes the classic hymn by John Newton as well as “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” and “God Will Take Care of You.”

A Rolling Stone reviewer said Franklin “sings like never before on record” on that live album.

“‘Amazing Grace’ is more a great Aretha Franklin album than a great gospel album,” wrote Jon Landau at the time. “The liberation and abandon she has always implied in her greatest moments are now fully and consistently achieved.”

Clara Ward, of the Ward Singers, and Mahalia Jackson were among Franklin’s mentors. She sang “Precious Lord, Take My Hand,” at Jackson’s funeral and also performed the song, which was one of the favorites of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., at the 2011 dedication of the Washington memorial in his honor.

Sometimes Franklin spoke, rather than sang, about her beliefs.

When asked in 2017 by the Chicago Sun-Times about the importance of her faith, Franklin said: “It is very important. It certainly has sustained me to this day.”

Earlier, in 2013, she told The Associated Press that her healing from an undisclosed condition was considered “absolutely miraculous” after she had been ill for several months.

“I was talking to Smokey Robinson, my oldest best friend Smokey, talking about the fact that some doctors are not very well acquainted with faith healing,” she told the AP. “And Smokey said, ‘Well, they just don’t know who your healer is.’”

Franklin, who received a Kennedy Center honor in 1994, was the first woman to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, in 1987.

“In Aretha Franklin’s sprawling career, she has taken on many roles--the devout gospel singer, the sensual R&B siren, the pop crossover phenom, Lady Soul--and dominated them all,” the hall’s website says.

[hopefulstarlightdetective-blog]

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