#even though its obvious that through the course of the story theyve changed and cant be what they used to anymore ever

[ayatoscupid]

holy shit that new trailer made me so fucking sad i have to adopt xiao as a sibling figure now. lore rant under cut

its just. the "fighting hard to not become the very thing they swore to destroy" trope always HITS and xiao is such a tragic character through and through that i think itd be hard for anyone to not feel sorry for him, once they have a deeper look into his story. it can be easy to dismiss him as the growling edgelord character but really just a deeper look in and u can see just how...... sad he is

ive said before that i hold a soft spot for adepti lore- after developing lore for xue yin ive come to rly appreciate what the adepti symbolise n common themes that they have, and how it connects to the overarching themes of genshin as a whole.

idk if ive said this before? i forget what i say in my (few) lore rants here LMFAO but i feel that genshin is, to me, a story about grief. about loss. how it happens, how people cope with it, and how they ultimately move on. a more obvious theme in the narrative is ushering in a new era- mond and inazuma having already done this imo by thriving without their archon's guidance, liyue moving on from the loss of rex lapis, and sumeru finally reuniting with their archon. but in order to welcome a new era you have to say goodbye to the old one- you have to lose the old one and move on. such as the archons have to cherish but move on from old friends and old memories, the people have to as well

adepti are sort of deital beings who served the same purpose for thousands of years and now have to learn to adjust to a liyue thats rapidly changed before their very eyes- and they deal with this change. some of them have already started (ganyu, madame ping), and it comes easier for them

but not for xiao.

im very much not qualified or informed enough to make an in-depth analysis on this specifically but ill say that xiao's current story focuses on his recovery from his ptsd. and i dont think im informed enough to talk about ptsd so i wont- but his recovery is so very carefully written in that its so slow. he's not quick to accept these things and can even be harsh about them. not only is his duty ingrained in his brain from years and years of war, but he is physically unable to stop, lest he succumbs to his karmic debt.

(at least. thats how i remember it. cries if im wrong)

i love how we got an update on him during lantern rite actually (i mean, lantern rite is always xiao time but yk), bc ive been dying to know how hes been since we last saw him in the chasm. and it looks like hes been doing the same old things he usually does- but hes making an active decision in getting better, and that makes me proud of him!!!

he interacts with baizhu and qiqi now (though he leaves right away lol, but from their interactions this isnt the first time theyve taken care of him. cute!!) and he even walks around liyue harbour instead of just leaving, even letting a little girl interact with him and letting her grandpa give him some rice wine (from venti noticing that he's already drank, by the time they see each other)

of course, it's hard- hes constantly haunted by his debt. by the demons he's slayed. by the evil he's purged. by himself. he has nightmares about himself- about his fear of one day becoming the very evil he swore to purge. that's why we get those nightmares of the two xiaos- in it, hes the one with the mask on. hes succumbed to the darkness, and he cant take it off- hes become the very thing he swore to destroy.

(AAAAAAAAAAAAA ANAK NG PUTA ANG SAKIT)

hes still haunted by his nightmares, his secret fears- but hes getting better now. though its slow, and he may not see it, his development is there and its incredibly meaningful. and i Cannot Wait to see more of him, and his journey in learning that: "It's good to take the mask off once in a while... even just for one night."

[goomeow]

i think i found a throughliine in the trope of my favroite characters (previously described as :crazy bitches) its just that theyre characters who are in constant suffering because they care so much. and also being huge bitches about it.

[ambalambs]

Alrighty so its been a bit since I finished Endwalker but I really wanted to write my thoughts down this time before they escape me. It is the big finale after all and it only seems just that I share my thoughts a bit. And I feel its been enough time most of you who follow me have finished it too lol all shall be tagged for spoilers though and hopefully under a readmore. So without further ado here we go!

So Endwalker huh. Phew what a ride, am I right? lol Gosh where to even begin. As someone who’s played this game since Heavensward words cannot express just how amazing this journey has been. Having been told Endwalker was the end to this years long arc, an arc of story that has been the primary focus since the release of this game, my heart was honestly heavy. I was worried. After all what was FFXIV without Hydaelyn and the ever growing threat of Zodiark and his Ascian minions? But boy did they see it through and in such a satisfying way. 

After its all said and done I cant help but think back to those sprout days when I was just bumbling around. A baby bard with her cute catboy. I was so b a d lol I was terrified of playing with strangers. Would legit get nervous shivers and jump every time the queue would pop for a dungeon. But I kept with it. The story was amazing, the characters fantastic, the world felt so full of life and brought back my feelings of playing ffxii, and of course Miko. And I had a wonderful friend, my in game wifey to this day, who kept me motivated to trudge on through the anxiety. If you had told me back then I’d be as I am now in the game, queuing things without blinking an eye, joining ex parties, doing Endwalker fights BLIND, I probably wouldnt believe it. I am honestly so glad I kept with it cuz this game has literally changed my life and led me to meet so many wonderful people.

But beyond the reminiscing lol before Endwalker came out there was this question: how could it possibly be better than Shadowbringers? Right? lol I know we were all thinking it. Shadowbringers for me sealed the deal that this game was my favorite. It led with a feeling of being truly heroic. Stormblood had its moments but whatever epic emotions I had experienced from Heavensward lulled during SB. But Shadowbringers brought back that feeling I got when facing Nidhogg for the first time. True triumph and adventure and reminded me just how amazing this game’s story could be. And then Endwalker just knocked me out with its high stakes high energy. Every moment felt like an endgame moment. My shock when running the first dungeon and getting magus sisters as the final boss? huh thats wierd to get a primal in a dungeon so surely anima must be the first boss? lol nope theyre in a dungeon too. so who could possibly be the first boss?? facing Zodiark first, at only lvl83 no less was the biggest pull of a rug from under my feet i couldve experienced. It was proof of how much was left to experience. and what an experience. from all the characters to return, to the soft moments with the scions. it was all i couldve asked for and more. this was a story many of us have experienced for years and frankly it felt almost rewarding to be reminded of just how much we’ve done. how many character’s we’ve met along this crazy journey. it became obvious just how much the devs care about the story they created and the love theyve put into it. and the evidence that they know just how much these moments have meant to the people who play their game. its been touching and i appreciate all the work theyve done immensely.

despite the login queues. poor devs. poor us. have mercy lol

I also wanted to talk a little about the fight with Hydaelyn cuz that moment struck me in a way i was not expecting. Tbh i feel kind of bad i mistrusted her through most of the time i had played the game lol love crystal mom but she was up to something i just know it! but turns out i was wrong, thankfully. her final design was gorgeous. seeing her after seeing ryne’s eden form was amazing. the tiny references of what was to come. looking back on so many things it just is crazy how it all fit into place. and, as a personal note, my boy Miko has always had white hair with blue at the tips. to see hydaelyn, who also had white hair with blue at the tips, albeit a lighter shade, was the most immersive and chilling moment. it was entirely unintentional and to see it now i just had to sit back and think gosh...he really was her champion and it fits. and although i wasnt a huge fan of the whole amaurot and azem thing since i just wasnt fond of the idea that my wol wasnt his own person, going to elpis changed  that. i am content. and i am going to really miss crystal mom ;^; 

okay so now the big kicker, cuz although there is so much to Endwalker i’d love to discuss, the ending zone is what hit me the most and i simply must talk about it. These past couple years have been rough to say the least. Between my own health issues and ever present depression and then the current state of the world we all can relate to, things have not been good. and its definitely led to some nihilistic thoughts. FFXIV took that and just made something beautiful. sure things are bad and we will always have bad moments, probably more than good. but thats not a reason to just stop and let it end. life is striving for those good moments, however fleeting they may be. For me its those small moments like looking at a recipe book with my little sister in the kitchen of her new house, my nephew randomly hugging me and telling me he loves me while we’re playing legos, my dad buying me a dark chocolate orange from the grocery store cuz he saw it and remembered how much i liked them. its these small moments with people we love that we stick around for and keep going just so we can continue to have them. they arent grand but theyre good. thats what matters. thats the best part of life. this is why i love this game, that it can give me so many emotions throughout this crazy journey that isnt just gloom and doom like the world likes to throw at us. and its good. and the best part is i can experience all this with my friends. they say home is where the heart is, well my heart is in ffxiv so i’d say that its always gonna be a little part of home for me

now this has gotten lengthier than i expected and idk if i’ve even remotely said all i’ve meant to lol but if youve made it through all this so far thanks you lil trooper. and thank you to ffxiv. im sure there is so much more i wanted to say but alas i should end this somewhere.so i suppose i tip my hat to hydaelyn and zodiark and the ascians and, hell, even zenos. buddy you made me laugh so much after the last boss i’m gonna miss our team rocket antagonist xD I know this isnt the end of ffxiv, for there is still more on the horizon, but it is the end of a chapter. and boy i cannot wait to see what happens next. And to face it alongside my favorite character of all time, my wol, Miko. Its gonna be quite an adventure come what may. Keep your head held high, little spark. Keep wandering and here’s to the next adventure!

[frigfridge]

just finished rewatching toy story 1 thru 3 over the past few days, wanted to share my thoughts:

i love these movies a whole lot. the first 2 hold a bunch of nostalgia for me because i was A Baby when 2 came out and when i was also A Baby i would just watch our VHS copy of toy story 1 over and over again. this also makes me the exact age group to be emotionally destroyed by toy story 3, which came out just as i was entering high school and hit really close to home

individual thoughts:

toy story: the first thing i noticed was it still looks really nice even watching in 2019!! which i think is kind of spectacular for the first feature-length computer-animated film. it no doubt helps that the plot is mostly focused on little plastic dolls without realistic hair or clothing to animate but the semi-”cartoon” art direction means the human characters also look pretty nice without going too far into the uncanny valley.

also, the plot is WAY darker than i remember?? not because of sid and all the body horror toys, but because for like half of the movie woodys friends think hes an actual (toy) murderer carrying around the severed arm of his victim (!!) like, its hilarious, but also wow theres a LONG way to go between there and the climax of toy story 3.

the soundtrack is probably my favorite of the bunch. part of that is probably nostalgia but i just really like the consistency of having randy newman singing every song. it sort of elevates him to part of the story, like an omniscient narrator singing woodys (and later buzzs) inner monologue. 2 (and especially 3) didnt have as many musical numbers, which i can understand with a shift to a larger-scale approach to storytelling, but i really like the feeling it gives number 1. “you got a friend in me” is an obvious classic thats been remixed and brought back in just about every piece of toy story media im aware of, but “strange things” and “i will go sailing no more” deserve just as much recognition and praise. there just isnt a weak number among them

toy story 2: heres where the story started getting bigger and more existential, which basically becomes the new direction of the series. which makes sense! this one released 4 years after the first, and while theres no real timeskip in the story (maybe 6 months?) it had been a little while since we last saw woody and the gang. everybody in the real world had gotten older, and with the turn of the millennium approaching, the theme of impermanence loomed large in the collective unconscious. well, maybe not in my unconscious, because i was 2. but its really interesting as kind of a “time capsule” to what people were thinking about as the 90s came to a close.

so toy story 2 was a little more grounded, a little more focus on the human world, but it was also more fantastical in its presentation. the opening “video game” sequence (which still looks amazing!!) and woodys nightmare (”i dont wanna play with you anymore...”) show the animators at pixar really found their groove and started getting experimental. and to great result!! the fantasy sequences are a lot of fun and help 2 really stand out.

i would be remiss not to mention jessies flashback song here. its something else they hadnt really done in the first film and i think it really works. jessie in this film unfortunately doesnt get to do much other than fight with woody about whether he should stay or go (except for when she saves him in the end) but this song makes her character work. it also helps that it destroys me every time

also i think this is the movie that gave me an appreciation for the acting of kelsey grammer. i dont really agree with his politics (i also dont know specifically what they are) but he is a damn fine actor and gives the prospector a very genuinely intimidating edge after his heel turn. the casting really makes the character here, but thats nothing new for toy story-- every voice works. if i were the casting director, i probably wouldnt have pulled erudite kelsey grammer for a character named “stinky pete,” but as it is now i couldnt imagine him voiced by anyone else.

the last thing about toy story 2 is it feels like there were a lot more pop culture references? at least as far as i noticed. there are apparently even more than i noticed but i caught on to the “also sprach zarathustra” riff in the opening, and the jurassic park rearview mirror gag. and of course the extended star wars reference with zurg vs. utility belt buzz (and i guess zurg in general.) the references are cute and mostly unobtrusive but really i could take or leave them.

oh yeah also al is hilarious. just this rude, neurotic businessman whos incredibly self-important for the owner of a minor(?) toy store chain. hes such a puffed-up jerk, every time hes on-screen is a delight

toy story 3: this one kills me to death. i always get misty-eyed during “when somebody loved me” but the ending of 3 where andy introduces his toys to bonnie and plays with them one last time made me sob the first time i watched it. and it still does! thats the long game right there, thats the payoff of over 10 years loving these characters. its an emotional ketchup bomb, everything gets all messy and soggy and sweet. hopefully 4 can follow up, but im not really worried about that-- ive heard some good things. damn, its been 9 years since this movie came out, though! it really doesnt feel all that long, but i guess i havent been doing all that much

i actually dont know if i have much else to say about 3. the opening with the re-imagining of the previous films openings (woody versus one-eyed bart, buzz and woody vs. the evil dr. porkchop) is a highlight, although theres a conspicuous lack of bo peep. ive heard she has a big part in 4, but it was kind of weird to see a lot of toys missing and their absence (mostly) glossed over after the first few minutes. i miss r.c. and lenny, but i get they wanted to narrow down the cast so all of them could get in on the plot.

speaking of which, the escape scene is great too. its kind of a crystallizing moment of how close these characters are, and how well they work together. it reminds me a lot of the escape from sids house in the first movie, but there woody was working with sids body-horror toys and seemed to strike up a rapport with them bizarrely quickly. (speaking of which, i miss those toys! their designs were super cool, but i cant imagine they got much merchandise, especially babyface with the sharp, metal spider legs.) here, though, woody and the gang cooperate the best they ever have, and it really paints a picture of how close theyve become over the years, and justifies the emotional climax in the landfill. this is what i was talking about when i said i was surprised how dark toy story 1 got! these toys all hated woodys guts back then for what they thought he did to buzz. they kicked him out of a moving truck! its just weird to think about that conflict between them when you know how long they end up sticking together. but thats, like, neat, so its ok. it feels earned, its just kind of crazy in hindsight.

toy story 3 was also obviously made long after the first two-- by comparison, the lighting is way more sophisticated, the humans are a lot more detailed. theres just a lot more detail In General. the main cast is, like, super dirty for the middle 90% of the film, and it feels like, yeah, We Have This Technology Now. we can render so many individual glitter sprinkles suck to hamms ass and they will be in every single scene. the “fur tech” on lotso and buster is also an obvious clue, especially in the flashback to lotso trudging through the rain back to his owners house. its like “look! we can make this teddy bear SO wet!” and wow! yeah! you did! so wet!

lotso himself is also an interesting villain in terms of sheer bastardness. he is just a huge jerk. he could have hit that button so easily! and he was so mean to the baby! but at the same time hes a great character in how he slowly “changes” throughout the movie. he is kind of an obvious “pixar ‘twist’ villain” but again, the amazing performance by ned beatty really saves him. also he does get a nice comeuppance at the end, which was necessary because hes really the biggest villain in the series so far. hes knowingly malicious and doesnt have any greater motive, hes just an embittered megalomaniac who (apparently) has sent other toys to be broken, thrown away, and incinerated at the landfill. he honestly deserves worse than being strapped to the front of a truck but it works for a family movie.

i have a couple more thoughts on 3 (i guess i did have a fair amount of stuff to say about it) but im getting tired of writing. the music is good as usual, but the vocal stuff being entirely back-loaded (in the credits) is a bit disappointing since ive always been a fan of the songs, but i get that they were going for something different. the jokes about ken being, uh, ‘flamboyant’ felt out of place, mostly the one at the end (”uh, buzz? barbie didnt write this”) because it comes from one of the gang and not unnamed lotso goon #3, but i guess its pretty tame in the scheme of things.

overall im really looking forward to seeing what 4 does with the series. whew!

[8circles]

i finally got to see the national live!!

so after 6 years of falling in love with the national, i finally got to see them live yesterday!! this is gonna be super long lmao

since the national never come to my home country during tour, when they announced their tour i booked the tickets without even knowing whether i was returning to manchester or even the uk. so when i got my offer to return i was relieved af lmao. a once in a lifetime opportunity was worth the risk and anxious waiting LOL

anyway

seeing them live was like a whole new world for me. when bryce came out to perform with the opening act (who were very good!) i was so overwhelmed. this guy, part of the band i love so much, was right in front of my face!

(like literally, cause i ran in after getting my merch and managed to snag a place right at the barrier!)

ive watched tonnes of their live performances on video, but nothing prepared me for how great they were. since bryce was right in front of me i ended up paying most attention to him.. but then when hed play the piano aaron took his place and id end up paying attention to aaron... sorry matt, scott and bryan!!!!

of course matt is such a character that hed command your attention some way or another. i did make myself look at scott and bryan at points in time bc i love all of them! i found it super cute how scott and bryan (and at one point bryce) would hold like a shaker instrument and use it when theyre not playing their own instrument. its like theyre always gonna be involved somehow lmao.

at the beginning it felt a little detached compared to the bastille show i went to last year. but i dont blame them or think its bad, cause at bastille’s dan would stand close to the stage while matt prefers to hang about with the band. its just two different performers. it kind of made me think that i was watching the national perform in their own world.. until matt stopped midway through empire line and asked security to help someone.

at that point it kind of hit me that wow, actually we're in the same space! like im not actually watching them in their own world, like im there too! and theyre not in their own space either, theyre watching us too! and of course, how nice of matt to stop because someone wasnt okay 😭 he started all over again once he made sure they were okay. by the end he said "just some problems with dehydration. stay cool!"

and he threw a plastic pint across the theatre and i got some white wine on me. LOL. at another point he threw a red solo cup so hard i think it hit the opposite wall cause there was a super loud sound. then he went on to say "...one day..." during the last song he brought out a bottle of white wine or prosecco on stage but said he said couldn’t open it because it was corked and it was hard to open those on stage with his teeth(!!!) he asked for another bottle and smashed the corked one on the ground. i love drunk matt so much.

bryce is so interesting to watch tbh. he keeps changing guitars lmao. i got so excited every time he brought out the blue one, bc i had a super clear view of his bow hanging from his mic stand and i was like "vanderlyle?????"

in the end they didnt play it, but no matter! they played so many good songs that i cant complain. my jaw hit the floor when they played hard to find cause i wasnt expecting that at all! i kept saying "oh my god" when i heard the chords lmao. it was so beautiful. i remembered the interview where one of the twins said they think hard to find is one of the most beautiful songs theyve ever written. i felt so honoured that i could listen to it live! they also played this is the last time - my favourite off twfm! i think a lot of people in the theatre love that song too! we were all shouting “it takes a lot of pain to pick me up” together. 

of course they played standard classics too. it felt so good to sing along to bloodbuzz and i need my girl. i kind of expected they were gonna play england since it was their first show in england for this tour so when aaron started playing the chords i was super happy. mr november was the best in terms of crowd involvement, you could hear everyone shouting I WONT FUCK US OVER together. conversation 16, too.. everyone screaming "CAUSE IIIIMM EEEVILLLL" was so much fun. slow show and apartment story were so great live as well. singing “SO WORRY NOT ALL THINGS ARE WELL” was so wonderful. during fake empire the twins did the guitar thing as they always do. i was so happy! 

tbh when i was there i mostly felt out of place since most of the people there were white hipsters and they came with their friends/partners so i barely talked to anyone, but singing all the classics live made me forget all of that awkwardness.

the new album was good live too. carin at the liquor store is my fave off the album and it sounded so beautiful live. matt went one octave higher during turtleneck and he sounded so clear. i was actually so surprised at how clear and almost rasp-free he sounded! we shouted “great uncle valentine jester” during day i die, it was so great!  they dedicated apartment story and born to beg to a lady who took care of them while they were in manchester. the opening act luluc came out and sang with them during born to beg. it was beautiful and perfect! ive been falling in love more and more with born to beg with each listen, and the live performance really sealed the deal with how much i love it.

terrible love was the last song off the setlist and it’s my first favourite song from the national so listening to it live was like coming full circle of some sort. during that song (and mr. november) matt went out and leaned over the barriers so that people could reach out and hug him. during terrible love he was super close to me, but i was too scared to touch him cause so many people were clinging onto him already but he was literally right there! he also stood at the edge pretending to fall from the other side. a member of the audience hugged his knees to stop him from falling!

bryce kind of smiled at my general direction at one point when he was setting up his guitar. the girl next to me blew kisses at him, i wish i did or said something too, but honestly i just stood there and melted into a puddle. during fake empire bryce went to play the piano so aaron was on my side of the stage and he waved at my general direction when they finished. a double whammy! matt came over to our side of the stage during turtleneck and screamed the chorus at us. it was so surreal. waiting for two hours outside in the cold and rain was definitely worth the place right in the front.

of course i have a soft spot for the twins, so seeing them live was the best part of my night. bryce (and at some points aaron) being in front of me was a dream come true. it’s no doubt that bryce is fantastic at guitar, but hearing him live and actually picking up the way he plays with my own ears was really something else. not only his playing, but also how he was using all the different guitars and using the mics on them and all the different pedals - it was all like a work of genius. i didn’t really get to see aaron’s artistry since his stuff was on the opposite side of the stage and he played more piano (which was on his side of the stage) but i could clearly see him playing when matt stepped back and let the twins perform guitar together. i caught him smirking at bryce on multiple occasions. i ascended each time. 

it was obvious that bryce was the more shimmery, flashy player when it came to guitar, so i tried to distinguish their styles of piano too! maybe it’s just me, but i think aaron has a deeper sound and bryce has a sharper sound! maybe that’s why they take turns for specific songs. regardless, they were so great, playing together and separately. i admire them greatly since they have so many projects and interests and even though their musical interests differ, they end up intertwining. seeing them live really showed that tbh!

it was the best night of my life. i wish i could be going to today’s show as well, but unfortunately i don’t have the money for that! anyway, everything ive always dreamed of already came true when i managed to stand right in the front and watch the national in all their glory perform live. i never expected to be right in the front - literally at the barrier - but i was! and it was worth the two hour wait in the cold without any food (this was my fault for forgetting to eat before coming, but it was worth it tbh!). hopefully i’ll be able to go for another concert if possible because that was probably the best experience ive ever had.