#every interaction i have leaves me feeling jaded. i cant remember anything and i can barely take care of myself

[noroalia]

is it the covid or the period or the stress or the overwhelming anxiety abt the future or the economy or the autism or th

[davethot]

Aysha is homophobic but more so in the realm of being lesbophobic. Remember that she completely removed all Rosemary interactions from Pesterquest for more Davekat, decided to push for Yiffy the cuckhold child to be forced into the narrative during Lesbian Visibility Day and has made sure to demean any positive Rosemary interactions in lieu of Davekat which she is solely invested in. Her being transphobic more relates to her poor handling of Jade (dog dicked sex fiend isn't good transfem rep)

You do realize you sound fucking insane right???? This is literally what I’m fucking talking about when I mentioned people in my og post about hs2 pointing fingers and giving someone a really harsh label such as LESBOPHOBIC because they didnt quite handle a lesbian couple EXACTLY how you would have.

First of all i want to mention that Aysha is non-binary poc and is married to a woman. This doesnt exempt her from possibly writing some shitty things, but its good to have perspective here. Shes not some cishet white person writing these characters.

So are you going to ignore the literal thousands of pages of the original comic where we had a PLETHORA of Rosemary interactions??? And absolutely no davekat? And if you remember Kanaya was still having hang ups with Vriska, so it only made sense that that was explored a bit in Pesterquest rather than jumping straight to Rose and Kanaya cuddling on a couch and spewing gay poetics at each other. Like I genuinely dont know what you fucking want.

Also i would like to point out that romance wasnt even the fucking focus of Pesterquest. Dave and Karkat’s interactions were barely anything more than characters mentioning them and them being in the same place together for one single ending and mspar implying that they had a feeling they were supposed to be good friends. Tbh it sounds like you and the people who often have this complaint are way more fucking obsessed with what’s going on with Davekat than Aysha or the rest of the team will ever be. Maybe you should redirect your efforts into creating more wlw content for Homestuck since you think the new team is so lesbophobic for portraying two grown ass women having some marital problems (and acting like that cant happen in the real world with real people literally every day).

You and tons of other people fucking love to point to Kanaya and Rose’s issues in hs2 and preach that it’s suddenly lesbophobic that theyre not happy go lucky 24/7. Again, Davekat didnt even fucking happen in the og comic. We had one flash where Dave rests his head on Karkat’s lap and they’re playing hopscotch on a poorly drawn dick on the ground, meanwhile Rose and Kanaya had comfortably been together for Awhile at that point. I just don’t understand how Dave and Karkat finally having a semi-functional and happy relationship in hs2 is promoting lesbophobia. Also we didnt even get to see the comic FINISH!! We dont KNOW what exactly was going to happen with Rose and Kanaya, and we arent going to for a long fucking time because it’s people like you who are perpetuating this narrative of the team and that theyre horrible awful people because they did two fucking things you dont agree with. It’s honestly fucking exhausting. And you know I can throw this right back at you right? Like, pretty homophobic of you to only be focusing on wlw ships and invalidating Davekat, one of the only healthy relationships PERIOD in Homestuck, not just a healthy mlm relationship. Like, pretty shitty of you anon :/ kind of homophobic of you fr.

And this isnt even mentioning the genuinely nice interactions we have seen with Kanaya and Rose in Homestuck 2. Everyone’s really fucking eager to forget that in meat Kanaya was wistfully looking out at the stars missing her wife and told Dave she’d do anything to get her back, esp since it’s implied that Rose was being manipulated pretty heavily by Dirk. But no, according to yall that never happened and Aysha + the rest of the team are just spitting on all wlw folks.

Also again I feel like youre coming to insane conclusions. You think it was a purposeful move that Aysha and the team introduced Yiffy on lesbian visibility day??? Like???? Also pretty lesbophobic of you to invalidate a child born from two women. Like hm pretty shitty of you anon. Rose and Jade explained why they did what they did, and tbh, again, we could have had more information if people like you didnt indirectly harass the creators and cause it to go on indefinite hiatus.

As for the Jade dog dick thing, I have multiple friends who are trans women who have issues with people blowing it out of proportion. Its important to remember that every trans woman is going to have a different opinion on this, and we shouldnt invalidate any of them, but at the same time what one trans woman says about it isnt the end all be all of the situation. Some trans women think this portrayal is transphobic, while plenty others think it isnt, and that people are making way too big of a deal out of it. Therefore I’m going to leave it at that. Personally I dont know if how Aysha and the team wrote Jade is transphobic and its not for me to decide. However, my trans friend would like to be quoted saying this:

“People claiming that the writers intended for Jade’s dick to be the driving force in her emotional and sexul appetite shows someone’s willingness to ignore Jade’s actual reasons for doing these things that she STATES in the actual text. All in favor of projecting their own transmisogynist reading onto the writers.”

This probably ended up being longer than my og post lmfao but fr anon im sick of people like you. Even if you didnt directly contact the creators of hs2, you’re literally the problem here. I wish you and others would stop throwing around these terms like lesbophobic, homophobic, transphobic, etc, because it literally makes those words lose meaning. Someone writing a lesbian couple having marital problems, especially in the context of Homestuck, is not fucking lesbophobic. And i hope i helped you understand that by throwing the terms back at you because tbh, im sure youre a good person with good intentions, and I would never seriously call you homophobic for this. But i hope you can have some fucking perspective and stop targeting marginalized authors and creators moving forward. Its embarrassing fr.

[macklives]

session 92 end (bye 413...)

this session was so long but so fucking hectic what the fuck

im going to try and slim it down to its bare essentials rather than go on a full rant because im pretty sure i want to make a post later on about vriska’s characterisation (not anything about me liking her/disliking her, just an analyse on her life really, so it wont be too bias because thats not the point of an analysis. i also want to do one on aradia, been meaning to for a while... hmm... damn i havent done much analogies lately, and i THINK the last long post on a character i made was about davesprite??? so its been a fucking while. that being said, ill leave a lot of details out for this end of session notes so i dont just repeat myself later on. rather will keep to plot points here and then make character points in another)

alright

first we had a page or two where aradia confided in nepeta about her being dead which means nepeta is the only one to know this revelation. im pretty sure aradia confided because there was no other way around it, since nepeta was her server player, so it was inevitable. either way, aradia still put her trust in nep, which means, if you think about it, nobody else knows and nobody else ever will. and considering aradia asked nep to keep it a secret, it probably wont get explored by others until MAYBE later on, whenever its plot relevant, so everyone will be in the dark about it for a while which ill have to remember for future dialogue and scenes with aradia in them

then we met vriska

which, yes, is a meme. i may not have been on a lot of fandom platforms, but you cant escape some of the stuff that goes around the internet. even if you dont know undertale, im pretty sure you know of sans. or komaeda if you have/havent seen danganronpa. its just.. the memes, ya know? ive heard from many sources of the “vriska did nothing wrong” quote (even through mbmbam which??? WHAT) but since i didnt even know what it meant, i never explored it so then i never knew it was a homestuck thing. imagine my surprise...... i think even at the time, i wouldnt have known what homestuck was either honestly so it wouldnt even matter. i only recently learned about the fandom.... uhh, maybe half a year ago??? yeah, august, so my knowledge was slim but vriska is a thing ive heard before, which still shocks me

goddammit

anyways back to her

so her intro was something, we pretty much found out she likes DnD (a FANATIC in fact) and feeds her lusus the flesh of living trolls. which is fucked up. but i wont get too much into detail about that until i make a post about her life on alternia and the consequences of such. or maybe just alternia in general...?? or *both* heheheh but i feel i need more information before i go off on a tangent about that

then we met??? white text dude?? who is a major asshole but an asshole with insults that hURted, to think i felt bad for VRISKA when that happened. woah.

i said before, but... karkat, he cant really hit deep because his insults are just HIM and his way to express himself. like some people find it natural to just go “FUCK YOU” to show emphasis on a point, and thats just karkats way. he may do it so aggressively that it takes you a second to realize what he said, but usually i dont take anything to heart whenever he spurts out some insults. ive progressed to the point where whatever he says, is just “karkat” and not him trying to be actively mean. rather, its now funny whenever he does say anything SOMEWHAT creative, dude has an imagination that goes on for miles

but vriska?? she IS trying to be a bully, you can tell. but i feel theres something much more to that. like shes trying to prove herself and her “blueblooded” demeanours or whatever the hierarchy is. she doesnt want to show emotions so she makes herself a barrier by being mean is what i can gather from her conversation with kanaya. im pretty sure youre not supposed to understand her until its pointed out and rather see her as an “antagonist” at first, but yeah, her insults are more pitiful than anything and i also cant take her too seriously. i may not like her as a person but her character is interesting because you cant always have the goodie two shoes as the protags. it doesnt diversify the characterisation so i like vriska as someone who makes the plot work and it becomes more interesting since you have someone that makes it harder for the main crew to progress. a happy-go-lucky adventure with no trouble and no turnabouts would be boring in a way. so having a character like vriska, or like this new white text guy, it makes you stop for a second and realize oh shit okay, here’s where shit CAN go wrong and WHY. and i do especially like it when these bastards of characters somehow have more depth than being the “bastard characters”. kinda humanizes them in a way. doesnt mean you have to LIKE them continuously, but theyre humans (trolls whatever) in the end and every person has their own story whether its for better or for worse

for example, i like her being placed into the story, along with white text, by how its all leading to this “accident” and is slowly showing us hints on what happened, but in the end, it wont be until later that we know the full story. even if it was in the past, it apparently is very vital to the plot and shapes how the characters act in the future, so important aspects like that are to look out for. and usually they only occur when theres been some trouble within friend dynamics. so without these bastard of characters, plot wouldnt grow AS strong and i often keep that in mind when i explore a story.

anyways, I HAD A POINT TO THIS: so vriska and karkat are characters who are yes, mean, but it seems to be their personality, and the way they either show emotions and convey feelings (karkat) or make a barrier so they DONT show emotions to produce vulnerability (vriska), white text guy seems to mostly be out to be an asshole. he told vriska she was useless to sum it up but im not too sure if this is one of those “first dialogue” to mould out a bias opinion before we even get to the character themselves, but judging by how vriska and karkat played out, he surely means something bad and i dont know how to explain it. but i cannot base anything off from one piece of dialogue. i dont even know what else to call him other than white text guy so...... ill just leave that out for now, until we finally get his introduction

though, i do wish to mention, and will expand on, im not wrong when i say karkat and vriska are similar but in different context. sorry if youre favourite is karkat and you dont like vriska, or vice versa, but uhhhh their introductions are so similar its uncanny and the way they’re portrayed is the same except one is more on crack about the meddling, while the other is angry about the meddling. similar to how it was with karkat, we were introduced to vriska talking with someone we knew (tavros) whom she obviously didnt like, so obviously, from her point of view, she wanted to be menacing. like how karkat was menacing to jade because she wouldnt listen to his point... he got angry, so he lashed out. but us, the readers, didnt know that. we thought “oh god its this asshole” until we made it further in the story and started to warm up to karkat. it may not be the same with vriska, she may be a bully regardless, but you cannot tell me we moulded a bias towards her character as we did when we first read karkat. theyre both truly mean to other people, maybe both for different reasons, but i do want to point out the similarities and not leave that out. im pretty sure andrew basically gave us a conversation that formed our opinion of a character right off the bat rather than go into depth of WHY they did it, and how they are naturally without the conditions of the game. which, you can also see with vriska when she conversed with kanaya. andrew started off with a character who only appears to speak once, and makes you judge them from first appearance alone, without any explanation as to why they said what they said and how they are with other characters, let says. so you assume they were simply a rude character. now look how karkat turned out. so im guessing in homestuck, the first impression should never be the opinion you stick with until MAYBE 5 more conversations with that character (each one different)

OKAY done with the vriska introduction, now to slutquius

yes, hes kinda weird, i have stated that many times. i have no idea what to say about him other than he likes porn, he likes centaur dick which just so happens to be his lusus as well and if that isnt a red flag idk what is

he also likes his lusus milk, right from the udders of his guardian

fun times, fun times

my opinion of equius kinda.. differs. which i should really put in place the “dont judge by first impression” rule, because at first i thought he was rude with, then i thought he was hhh okay, because i understood why he was being so protective over nepeta and her team placement, since the people she was going to play with WERE dangerous. but if you think about it, both sides will probably put you in danger. it just depends on which ones you confide in more to protect your back rather than those which would cause trouble on purpose, in my HONEST opinion. so equius was a little overdramatic on that part, but i got what he meant. he was on the blue team and he didnt want to leave nepeta alone without him on the red. but then this session happened. and he went back to being weird again because of the whole porn thing, especially being so open about it like dude chill youre 13. but the thing is, then i felt bad for him because hes basically touch starved. to say that he could break anything he touches, i doubt people would go up to him for hugs. in fear they would be crushed to death by a simple hug. so im guessing hes rather lonely and doesnt really know how to interact because of this. so i felt sad that he had to live a life where he needs to be careful of everything he touches so it doesnt break randomly. see? poor dude. but then things got weird. and im pretty sure hes a masochist. so my opinion on equius is a fucking cosine graph

which brings us to the final point:

gamzee and equius’ conversation

i dont even know.....like.........gamzee was unaware that equius was using him for his own power play roleplay, right? gamzee knew it was a roleplay but it had had some.. idk.... obvious sexual implications? and i bet gamzee didnt really know that? he thought they were only venting out through a simple roleplay and trying to get closer because he originally thought equius hated him, considering equius flat out said “i hate you” and gamzee went “you tell me everyday and im okay with that” so.. gamzee probably wanted only to get closer to equius so he helped out his little problem which.. thats so sweet but i feel bad he was coerced into something he didnt get, especially since he was innocent enough to go along without knowing equius’ true gain

anyways, equius was getting off with the hierarchy thing. considering he’s “lower” than gamzee, and gamzee is surprisingly ...high on the spectrum??? so equius wanted gamzee to boss him around, because it felt only natural to him since he’s the “inferior one” and gamzee is The Big Man. like i get that, but it was written in a way that was so uncomfortable, that i wish i didnt. equius is just a weird character... hes not BAD per say, but hes... hes something alright

but im really liking gamzee. the two things which struck me in that one conversation, was the “i dont get why we should dictate people by the colour of their blood, i just see people as people” piece of dialogue and “i cant go around pleasing just everything so its alright if you hate me”

thats... so good, idk. i really liked that. i also really liked when kanaya said “youre dangerous but dangerous people are needed and are important because it shapes you” like <33 my fucking heart

god homestuck may be a tad on the weird side with some of its characters but it surely knows how to create great lines of dialogue

and that concludes the long 4 hour session i did, hope you all enjoyed it

with that, i rest

[brinytrolls]

if you’re open to plotting something new, what are some ideas you might want to explore with someone??

i am always open to plotting!! let me see what i can find, i’ll organise it by character,,,no dancestors for now but if u wanted to plot with one of them, feel free to send another ask!! 

i dont really have any DETAILED plot ideas, these are more just starting points..sadly none of my ocs rly have future arcs planned out so these are all pretty casual...and these are not an exhaustive list! im open to any and all plot ideas so pls dont be afraid to ask!! 

for faldur,, 

he’s always open for ex matesprits or ex kismesis, as well as casual pitch flings. theres pretty much no guidelines for these ones, if it’s someone who’d be interested in him, and they’re jade or above, it’s fair game! 

an ex mate might be someone who found him too intense and broke up with him, someone who indulged his narcissism and boosted his ego til his other quads were forced to intervene, or something else entirely, as long as there was a reason they had to break up (i currently dont want him to have a red quad 4 Reasons) 

kismesis flings…hes open to anything. he hangs around bars often and will flirt with Anyone he finds attractive, so if someones open to that kinda thing its good to go. this could also lead to general friendships! he has no friends currently. boo 

on the topic of friends, book friends! a little known fact is he spends a lot of time on book forums, and someone to geek out over books with would be a nice change of pace. 

bitchy highblood friends. just like a bitchy seadweller squad would be fun, tbh. 

enemies! got a seadweller who would find him obnoxious? hell yeah! enemies is pretty open ended, i’d be willing to have faldur fucked up to teach him a lesson (within reason, he IS a seadweller and he is strong. he does fight a lot) alternatively, u got a lowblood (or highblood tbh) who needs a reason to be afraid of seadwellers? faldur attacks ppl who so much as look at him funny, so thats a valid option too

MAFIA TIES…faldur works as an assassin for when people need something really fucked up done to someone. do with that what u will

OH I JUST REMEMBERED fleet recruiters/anyone from the fleet/similar organisation who sees potential in him. faldurs constantly torn between redemption and leaving it all behind to join the fleet, so that could be interesting! 

theres definitely more but…tbh im welcome to anyone approaching me with ANY plot ideas they have! 

will do the rest under the cut bc that got LONG 

I WROTE THIS ALL OUT AND FORGOT HARREL 

BIG ONE IS just other mafia trolls!!

mafia bosses/hitmen who would hire him. who are doing jobs on the downlow, and need a cleanup guy! harrel is very good at his job so he’s highly regarded within the business 

especially mean mafia ppl. be mean to him. its part of his character hes anxious bc the mafia is mean 

no specifics, but i want harrel to just get Fucked Up. like i said, he’s highly regarded so holding him for ransom isn’t out of the question. just fuck this nerd up 

on a lighter note! he frequents record shops and jazz clubs, so maybe a musician or two with similar interests to help him get out of his shell. he needs a friend or two. 

friends from university! anyone in sciences, forensics, medical science, criminal studies…he probably studied with them! his backstory is that he disappeared from university one day when he got kidnapped by a mafia boss, and managed to wrangle his way into them keeping him alive. an old friend who noticed and is suddenly Very Confused upon seeing him again like 5 years later 

someone he went to uni with who’s now in the law industry, and the conflict that might arise from them being on two totally different ends of the spectrum…could be a fun dynamic! 

on the same wavelength: old flames from university. ex quadrants, ex hookups, ex crushes. people he was romantically involved with before suddenly disappearing 

i think thats all…

forrr sarky! 

no real quad stuff needed for him…perhaps an ex or two, but no real ideas there! 

other grubtubers to be friends with, or fans who’ve met/would want to meet him! grubtube is a HUGE part of his life and i’ve never really been able to explore it, bc he has no connections involved with it. u got a grubtuber troll who’d collab with him? a troll who enjoys letsplays? a weird youtuber superfan who’d give their right arm to meet a letsplayer? fuck yea dude all valid options 

PETTY INTERNET DRAMA. im sure theres potential

sarky IS a shifter, meaning he turns into a weird dragon monster in the dead of night on a full…moons (idk how that works on alternia,,,hello???) u got a troll who’d stop him when they catch him stumbling shirtless thru the city streets post-shift towards a local diner at 4am weirdly covered in scars and looing like he’s about to pass out?? a poor overworked diner worker wondering what the Fuck this dudes deal is when he stumbles in at 5am before cramming his face full of meat?? a troll who hangs out in the wilderness bordering the city and saw the horrific sight of this fuzzy teal bitch shifting into a giant dragon?? or just a fellow shifter perhaps?? idk theres a lot that can be done here, im sure 

apartment neighbours! disgruntled highblood a floor below him wondering why this bitch keeps scaling the building?? or someone who thinks its pretty sick, actually. 

fellow city dwellers for him to meet and befriend or annoy the shit out of…he takes the subway a lot, so they can meet there. or in some greasy food place

connected to faldur, any ex quads of faldurs that had to be intervened with and broken up, sarky was probably involved. if u want them to be bitter towards him, feel free. it makes for more interest >:3c 

florem time…………..

GET FLOREM A GIRLFRIEND 2K20…PLEASE. i just want her to have a girlfriend. its what she deserves and we all know it 

get her FRIENDS TOO....friends who will support her, and her weird hobbies. florem has a tendency to help other people and forget about her own needs, so itd be nice for her to have a friend who listens to her too... 

perhaps a troll who stumbles upon her weird troll-eating plant. a fellow enthusiast or some poor soul she has to rescue, either or 

a fellow taxidermy enthusiast....maybe a pen pal who buys stuff from whatever the troll equivalent of etsy is 

camping buddy...............she has no one to go camping with!!

im sadly low on ideas for florem but i DO want interactions with her...

veleno tiem babey

she needs a gf in every single goddamn quad.....shes 100% single 

a Bunch of highbloods who were cocky enough to gamble against her, and are incredibly mad about losing. highbloods out for vengeance 

on the same wavelength, a highblood who lost and got incredibly mad and fucked her face up, giving her all them scars....vel would avoid them for the rest of her life, but perhaps its someone who frequents the same casinos as she does so she cant avoid em 4 Extra Drama 

other down on their luck lowbloods, maybe younger ones, who need her help bc shes Experienced. she can become their Street Mom 

other down on their luck lowbloods for her to just befriend!! she frequents a shitty diner, as well as singing in a jazz club and hanging around in casinos. if youve got a lowblood who hangs around in those places they could def meet! 

i THINK thats all i got...but know i am more than open to literally Any plot suggestion ever >:3c

[american-first-and-foremost-blog]

Who I am.  A “brief” aside

I became jaded and hard because of my experiences.  The general whining of so many who had no idea really what a bad day was all about.  I was hard on new hires, and students because what we did mattered and because I was hard on myself.  It wasn’t just a title, to be a paramedic.  It was a responsibility.  A responsibility to a scared mother who thrust her dying child into your arms at 0230 your first day on the trucks.  You don’t get to call timeout. You may not be able to ask for help.  You have to know, even with all that fear gripping your soul.  You have to push it aside and react, you have to do.  You’ve got to know. 

So I was hard in a controlled setting.  Where I could help you if you floundered.  Where you weren’t alone.  I was exacting and my standards were high.  I never expected perfection, just progress.  If you started with me the phrase I wanted to hear initially was, “I don’t know”.  Far better to admit a weakness than try to lie your way through it and find out you are responsible for a tragic turn of events.  Yet ego drove so many people.  They had to be right, or at least not wrong.  This hard exacting nature burned me; no it blew up in my face.

This part of my story has never been told en masse.  Some of it can be verified if you google it,  but for now I will hold off on that. It will follow in the next entry. I don’t know if it would be better if you researched it before reading my side or after.  I leave it up to you when the time comes.   Your choice.

I was tasked with precepting a student,  A Paramedic student from a neighboring Fire Department.  I was reluctant.  I had seen the change in quality of the new breed, it was entitled, self serving and egocentric.  When I was asked if I would take on a student I flatly said, “no”. To which my EMS Captain responded, “please, it would mean a lot to us”.  I said, “fine but know I don’t want to do this”. I asked that the student at least be a Firefighter if one was available.  This was done in the hopes I would get someone who would be able to perform in the environment I created for my students.  This was the beginning of my end.  

My student was late by 15 minutes his first day.  I said as much after he walked in the door, in a less than soothing manner.  We proceeded to get him settled in it was explained he was to be an active member of the crew just like at his station.  We went out and started working on the truck. I was at the second busiest station in the city so it wasn’t long before we had an Emergency response.  I am going to explain a few moments of interaction so if you’re confused at any point please ask.

  I believed in the, “see one, do one, teach one” plan of teaching.  We picked up the patient and on the way to the hospital I gave a radio report so they would know what was coming.  After the report I told the student “When you’re done with you’re report you’re done.  If you have to say anything at the end of it finish it with;  Do you have any questions”.  I followed that with why, “A lot of people say at the end of their report; do you have any questions or orders?  You don’t know who is on the other side of that radio”.  It is important to understand that only a Physician can give a Paramedic orders in the State of New Mexico.  Not a Nurse, or another medic but a Doctor,  “For all you know it could be a janitor who answers the radio and he may mean well by saying something he shouldn’t.  So do not do this while you are with me, if you do I will crucify you upside down on the back of my Rescue”.  

I advised the student not to give me all his reports at once.  After every call you have to do a run report.  As a student you are expected to complete one and have your preceptor go over it with you.  I told him, “If you give me all your reports at once and they are shit I am going to give them all back and make you rewrite them all.  Better to give me one or two and we can go over it together”.  We went on another call, abdominal pain.  On the way to the hospital we were talking about patient treatment options.  No people we don’t need to get the Doctor to tell us what to do.  We have protocols/guidelines to work with.  If we get in a bind we can call a Doctor absolutely but our hands are not held.  This is why its insulting to call an EMT or Paramedic an Ambulance driver.  

My student would not mention giving the patient pain medication.  This is not that unusual as some services are stricter than others but ours was fairly liberal.. if we felt a patient required intervention for pain we were allowed to administer it as needed.  So I asked, “what about pain meds?”  He didn’t think you could give them.  According to his protocols at his department you couldn’t. He was working with me and under our protocols.  I went to the same school he did for his Paramedic instruction. Before leaving to my internship I was given a copy of the service protocols so I would be familiar with them prior to arriving. Either he was not given the information or he didn’t study it.  Either way I was bothered and it was obvious. 

We got back to the station and he went to write his report.  Afterwards he came out and handed me eight reports  Eight.  Not one or two, eight.  I went through them and lo and behold, they were all shit. So he had to go rewrite them. All of them.  We were busy painting the station so I told him to hurry up with the charts so he could help.  Pressure in a controlled safe setting.  He never did come and help.  He gave me all the charts and they had to be touched up which he was not happy about but such is life. He made a sub par dinner, seemed to be fishing for accolades afterwards. They were not warranted.  At the end of the night, I went of over his deficiencies and strengths. I tried to give him a pep talk.  I told him it would get better as he learned more.  That we all went through the frustrations of our own internship.  He would be fine.

I am sure there were more moments but hose are the clearest and I am trying to be fair in my explanation.  We got off our 48 hour shift and I was at home when the phone rang.  I twas my student telling me he was having schedule troubles and asked if he could adjust his internship.  I told him, “ Do what you have to do to take care of yourself, as long as you get your hours I do not care, its up to you”.  he never showed back up, his schedule wasn’t going to work with our shift schedule. 

A few weeks later I received a phone call from my Union President, something was up.  I had a meeting with the Chief of the Department my first duty day.  He didn’t know what it was about but I should be prepared,I asked,  “prepared for what though?” he didn’t know.  Since this was supposed to be informal no Union representation was going to be present.   When I walked into the meeting; it wasn’t a meeting it was a God damned board of inquiry.  The Chief of the Department, the Deputy Chief, the EMS Chief and my Battalion Chief.  My student wrote a letter complaining about his treatment under my tutelage.

It was a four page letter describing in detail the events of our 48 hour shift.  The brass lay into me about how embarrassing it was for the Department, how could I do such a thing.  My reply, “What does it say”.  At which point I was given the opportunity to read it.  The accuracy of the letter was astonishing.  My vernacular to the word.  I cuss a lot people.  I figure sometimes to make it stick it has to be hard and dirty to be remembered.  He got it all, the chart rewrites, the threat of Crucifixion.  The words of my EMS Chief “ the thing is Josh I can hear you say all these things”.  This is an interesting point to remember for later.  Its also important to note that I did not deny that I said any of what was written.  I admitted to it.  I did explain the context of it but I owned my actions.  I stood tall and was unapologetic. 

I left the meeting feeling deflated and betrayed.  He didn’t tell me anything, no confrontation, he seemed grateful for our time together.  I always tell anyone I work with for the first time that if i do anything to offend you please say something because if you don’t say anything then I cant fix it.  I finished my shift feeling dejected.  A few days later while at my part time job I received a phone call from a fellow Firefighter.  She said she was questioned by the Chief Officers about a patient transport that her and I had shortly after my meeting.

I asked her to tell me which call.  She described the call and I remembered it well.  a patient with altered mental status, sudden onset, couldn’t speak or communicate in any way except grunts her eyes wide open and wild.  Recent history of some kind of surgery I think.  Otherwise no history of anything pertinent.  I remember my differentials were: Stroke, overdose, or psych.  I remember a pushy friend trying to ply her web MD wisdom on us which was curtly shut down.  If you call 911, answer their questions provide any information they need. Unless your opinion will have an effect on the outcome of the patient hold your opinions to yourself. You called them, they have training, have some faith.  

The transport was uneventful.. We had a student from a different program riding with us that day.  No big deal.  We dropped the patient off at the appropriate hospital and gave report.  A Doctor I knew came in and assessed her and did a cursory rule out of a stroke.  So psych or OD it was.  

I walked into another meeting same players but a different tone.  The Chief of the Department said something to affect of, “We got you now, a patient complained this time”.  Anyone who has an altered mental status is not a reliable witness,  so any complaint would be invalid plus there were witnesses.  I figured it was the friend that complained. Since I was given the heads up I knew what they were talking about and I took a different attitude.  One I am known for, smart-ass.  I quipped “She was altered, shes not a reliable witness”. 

He blew his top and screamed “Get the fuck out of my office!’  I obliged.  My Battalion Chief came out and asked why I had an attitude.  I told him I was tired of this bullshit and I questioned how he could allow this to happen.  Allow me to be railroaded with a bullshit complaint.  I was told the patient perceived that I was being hostile to her.  He asked me to tone down my attitude and come back in so I could hear their concerns.  

I went back into the office and was told the patient said I screamed at her. In her face.  Over and over again, that I did not listen to her concerns.  I blew up “What concerns!? She couldn’t talk!” I advised that this was bullshit and asked where my union representation was.  This put an end to the meeting.  The Union got involved, as they should have in the beginning, but we didn’t know what was happening and honestly I try to be a good soldier.  I take my beatings if I deserve them and I don’t complain about my mistakes. After it was all said and done I received a written counseling that would expire in 6 months time.  Then it hit me.

The student.   We had a student in the back of the Rescue with me.  I called the College the student attended and asked to talk to their field placement coordinator.  I asked, “ has anyone contacted you from the Fire Department asking to speak with the student assigned to Rescue 1 on xx day?”  The coordinator sounded a bit puzzled and said, “no, no one had called”. I asked, “did the student have any issues with her crew that you know of”.  Again the coordinator replied ,”No. she said she had a great time actually”.  I thanked her and advised her to call the department immediately if there were any issues.  So there it was.

The Department knew they had a third party witness to the events that happened in the back of the truck that call.  My partner who called me stated that she didn’t hear anything but she was driving.  They took the time to interview the complainant and my partner but not someone who would have actually witnessed my actions.  I am many things but I am very proud of my patient care and I strive to do my best for them. Always.  I may get complaints from bystanders but never had I gotten one from the patient.  

Some time went by and I found out that the patient who complained that day was the Chiefs neighbor.  How the two got together in the first place I don’t know.  I don’t know if her friend encouraged her to go to the Chief.  Maybe she was upset she was taken to the hospital she was taken to, or maybe she was upset about the unit she was placed.  It was the secure unit in the hospital for those who have psych issues.  

I also found out that the paramedic student that never came back; his Uncle came into a fire station.  He was a retired Firefighter from the City.  he told the station Captain, a man I trust that he helped his nephew write the letter.  See he was a Chief, but before he retired he got busted back down to Firefighter.  

Almost done with this entry, bear with me.  There are a few things I want to point out. I do my best to not lie.  I own my words and actions even if there are negative consequences.  I found out that honesty for the most part really is the best policy in life.  I could have reduced the chances of being in this situation.  If I wasn’t so hard maybe?  I hate to even say that. Its served me well, 17 years in Emergency Services and my brief stint in the Army and I’m still here.  I was trained by hard, driven and exacting me; professionals and masters of their craft. Yet, maybe.  Maybe I shouldn’t have used so much harsh language.  Maybe I should have followed up more, ensuring the student felt, safe? 

Initially I felt vindicated though.  I learned a valuable lesson though.  The administration doesn’t care what it has to do to be right.  No amount of common sense or reasoning can make a difference if their mind is made up.  

More to follow

[legerdeman-blog]

increments of 2, skipping the family questions //

((it took me 2 hours to type all this on mobile and then i had to drive home so yall better be grateful for my sacrifice))

8. How does your character feel about religion?Dirk is extremely atheistic despite growing up under an oligarchy. He thinks that religion is interesting enough to study but doesnt understand why someone would actually believe any of it.

10. Is your character street-smart, book-smart, intelligent, intellectual, slow-witted?Dirk is very book smart, but has very little in the realm of instincts and sometimes even common sense. He tends to think a bit too analytically and cold, which can often benefit him sometimes, but also burdens him in situations that call for a more emotional or instinctual approach.

12. How does their education and intelligence – or lack thereof - reflect in their speech pattern, vocabulary, and pronunciations?Dirk pronounces everything perfectly and speaks very clearly. Slang sneaks its way in but for the most part hes got a mouth ready for court and a vocabulary ready for a theoretical physics conference.

14. Were they involved at school? Sports? Clubs? Debate? Were they unconnected?Dirk isn't big on groups. He received plenty of offers for academic teams (and some sports teams because lets face it the guy is swole af) and might have visited once or twice, but hes really too awkward to put much effort into integrating himself with a group of new people. He was definitely a chess champ at least one year without even joining the club at least once though

16. What does your character do for a living? How do they see their profession? What do they like about it? Dislike?Dirk is a wizard, or, to be more precise, a professional student. He doesnt actually make a living off of this at the moment, instead receiving a stipend from his father for living expenses as long as hes at the academy. Which he actually isnt anymore but shh. He enjoys his line of work a lot and generally cant think of one that he would prefer

18. What did they find abroad, and what did they remember?About 8 years ago when dirk was the equivalent of a late teen he visited the human kingdom with his dad and little brother. They didnt travel much as they were mostly on a diplomatic mission to cooperate with a human businessman. He and dave spent most of that time with the businessmans children. What dirk found was the little sister he never asked for and a good friend who also happened to cause the last of dirks inklings of heterosexuality to slip away into the wind. Whoops?

20. What were the most deeply impressive political or social, national or international, events that they experienced?Dirk isnt really old enough to have witnessed any significant events by elven standards. Although reparations with the humans has been an ongoing project his whole life.

22. Who are their friends? Lovers? ‘Type’ or ‘ideal’ partner?Dirk has very few people he considers friends. Hes not the best socially by far, although he does tend to be a bit better over the internet, most if not all social subtleties seem to elude him. His best friends are the roxy and jake in his timeline, although the latter he hasnt spoken to in several years. He has a pretty good relationship with his jade too, mostly based in a mutual love of explosions and tinkering. Hes slowly growing fond of several people on tumblr but not enough to consider them close yet. Hes never had a real romantic relationship, although hes dated once or twice and had a few encounters. He is demiromantic so hes only ever had a crush on one person but his ideal man can be described as “alive”

24. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually?Dirk doesnt attend any functions and in fact has hardly any interaction outside of his golems only on the rare occasion he leaves the small house hes renting to buy food

26. What does your character’s home look like? Personal taste? Clothing? Hair? Appearance?Dirks personal grooming is impeccable. His living space is sparse and well kept, except for his work area which looks like it got hit by a tornado at all times

28. Who is your character’s mate? How do they relate to him or her? How did they make their choice?Dirk isnt dating anyone, but he sometimes wishes he was. He craves the closeness of a romantic relationship but thats partially due to the secluded lifestyle hes forced himself into

30. Are they holding on to something in the past? Can he or she forgive?The only grudge hes currently holding is against the academy and its headmaster for kicking him out. Its not that hard to piss him off though and if you manage to do it youre fucked forever.

32. How does your character react to stress situations? Defensively? Aggressively? Evasively?Depends on the source of the stress. Stress caused by social situations, which he experiences frequently, he generally just tries to avoid. Any other problems he will attack head on with a generally cold line of logic.

34. Does your character feel self-righteous? Revengeful? Contemptuous?Self righteous? Yes absolutely. Vengeful depending on the sleight. Contemptuous to a degree.

36. Do they like to suffer? Like to see other people suffering?Is this the s&m question. Im gonna say no to both, although he does get a certain amount of satisfaction from seeing people he doesnt like, or people who have sleighted him, get fucked over.

38. Are they basically negative when facing new things? Suspicious? Hostile? Scared? Enthusiastic?I wouldnt say dirk is especially positive or negative. He tends to weigh situations fairly objectively and so generally considers both positives and negatives in an equal light. He gets suspicious very easily and approaches most things with caution and a half dozen plans in mind in case it goes badly.

40. How is their sense of humor? Do they have one?Dirks sense of humor is...well. Difficult. He has that trademark sense of strider irony that allows him to be amused by a wide variety of things but only under specific circumstances.

42. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?Dirk has an inherent need not only to learn but to tinker. He loves having plenty of self made projects to work on, and if you give him something he can take apart, read, or otherwise study he will instantly lose interest in everything else around him. He has a deep desire to forge new paths and innovate in his chosen field. He feels that everything, no matter how good it already is, can be made better with enough work and whats more he has the drive and desire to put in that work. This extends, obviously, to not only himself but other people and the workings thereof. He also feels incredibly lonely, but thats only partially related.

44. How badly do they want to obtain their life objectives? How do they pursue them?Dirk will do nearly anything in the pursuit of his goals. There are few people he wouldnt use as fodder if the need arose and those few dont include himself

46. Is your character tall? Short? What about size? Weight? Posture? How do they feel about their physical body?Dirk is short for an elf and a human. With the average being closer to 6 feet for elves and 5'10" for humans, his 5'8" leaves a bit lacking. Although his overall build tends to make up for it, being that hes fucking stacked. Hes pretty happy with himself physically, and why wouldnt he be when he can probably bench more than the rest of us combined? He doesnt tend to think about his height until hes around people who are taller than him but when that happens he does get a bit self conscious. His posture is also remarkable until he gets involved in anything, then he tends to hunch a bit.

48. How are your character’s gestures? Vigorous? Weak? Controlled? Compulsive? Energetic? Sluggish?Dirks gestures, the few that he makes, are very halted and methodical. Hes been known to fidget, but can just as easily stand stock still when hes in more formal situations. Hes been described at formal functions as intimidating and intense, when in reality hes just trying really hard not to fuck up to the point he suppresses literally every movement.

50. What are the prevailing facial expressions? Sour? Cheerful? Dominating?Dirks overall facial expressions are about as restrained as his gestural ones. Ranging widely from "stony bitch face of death" to "vaguely uncomfortable but were not sure why". Its pretty difficult to make him genuinely smile without holding himself back, but there are a few who can always manage it.