#everyone in bonten is so depressed xd

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

I don't think I will ever be able of doing a proper coment on today's episode, so... Here we go, some images and a lot of crying 😭😭

Paradise lost

(like our happiness after watching this)

MANGA SPOILERS!

S62 reacting... I feel you, I knew it was coming but I wasn't less horrified 🥲 (the found family would be orphan since now on)

This moment... Izana's va nailed (all of them in general), his sad voice when he was calling at his "mom". He sounded like a broken kid 🙃

(I didn't pictured that broken voice reading the manga so this was a lot for me)

I loved how they kept showing us that Kakucho was always there. This scene wqs also devastating (Shin looks like a lost cat)

"I'm beyond saving... Right, Emma?" (No, you aren't Izana, I swear you are going to be save! 😭)

His last words never fail to make me ugly sobbing, yey 🥺

Their smiles broke me in thousand more pieces. "Our era". "You're the only one I have." "I'll follow you soon" (no you will not, you will just be depressed until you can die on a war)

Look how happy and cute. Can they still like this forever, please?

This scene was so bittersweet 😖

This parallel was even more painful animated... Beautiful, but painful.

Ran proving to us that they actually cared about Izana. That Izana wasn't alone, they were friends. They were family 😭

This was it, because I refuse to put images of Kisaki next to this. This about the death of a kingz sorry not sorry 😔

Also, where do you all think is going to be the end of the season? I'm absolutely biased because I want at least a few seconds of Bonten, but at the same time... If they don't show us Bonten the season is going to end in a hopeful way! I don't believe liden films would do it like this, they were going for the pain all season 🤔

My bet is that we will have the "Where is Mikey?" and a few seconds of Bonten (THAT scene with the traitors would be gold and a good way of showing to anime onlys shit is still going down! But yeah, completly biased bc I need pink hair Sanzu 🙈) But at least I think we will see Bonten Mikey. Maybe just a few seconds, but he would be there for putting the last nails in our coffin 😣 (it's gonna be so painful even if we have a sneakpeak of all Bonten... No one is happy there, have you seen them? 🤦🏻)

My brain is just a mix of pain and shock, so this is all for today. We can keep coping together, yey!

[naehja]

Fanfics Idea

Some fanfic idea that I’ll not write, so I share it with you =)

So have fun =)

Shinichiro x Wakasa

1) Coma AU

Shinichiro doesn't die when Kazutora hits him on the head but fall into coma. Everyone hopes that he'll wake up but it never happen. Mikey, Emma, Wakasa, Inui....Everyone hope that he'll wake up. Wakasa always come at his bedside and speaks a lot to him. 

Mikey refuses to lose hope. But more tiem spend, more depressed and desesperate he is. A part of him thinks that he will not wake up. A part of him wants to hope. 

After the fight against Izana, Takemichi is unable to tell Mikey if Shinichiro wake up in the future. He didn't know for Emma's death after all. So he never thought to watch what about the big brother. Mikey thinks that it means that Shinichiro will never wake up and will die.  In Bonten, Takemichi learns that Shinichiro has been killed in the hospital by some ennemies of the Kanto Manji Gang. After the death of South and Senju, some people decided to act.

When he returns in the past. When he goes out of the hospital, he goes to speak to a Shinichiro still in the coma, promising him to bring back Manjiro.

When he goes out of the room, he doesn't see that the devices near the bed start ringing and showing that the man is about to wake up very soon.

2) Omegaverse AU

Alpha Shinichiro helped Omega Wakasa during a heat (and forgot protection).

 Few days later Shin dies. Three months later Wakasa realizes that he's pregnant.  Nobody knew about their relation. Nobody know who is the alpha who bite Wakasa. They wanted to keep their relation a secret for some time. 

 He's terrified but keeps the baby (last thing that Shin left). For some reasons, he doesn't tell the Sano Family about the child. He doesn't even realize himself why he does't tell anything to them. He regrets him a lot when he sees that Mikey suffers a lot of his brother’s death but...he still can’t. He doesn’t know why he’s afraid to tell the Sano Family but he just CAN’T.

The kid looks like Wakasa but with Shinichiro’s eyes. 

Takeomi knows, like Benkei and Inui. Senju learns it during the two years before the Kanto Arc. Sanzu never learned it. Mikey never learned it, whatever it’s in the original timeline, in the Manila or Bonten Future. In no one of the futures.

i guess that he learns it in the Kanto Manji Arc because of Takemichi’s presence.

Mikey x Takemichi

1) Omegaverse and Bonten AU (it can be a au without time travel too)

Alpha Mikey is sick. and Omega!Takemichi call Koko and Kakucho to help him because he must also take care of their baby boy (Shin) who had blond hair and black eyes (or black eyes and black hair) who is three. And he has the feeling to take care of two kids, seen how acts Mickey when he’s sick. (Spoiled man XD)

Some fluff between the childhood friends and some brotherly Koko. Some Maitake Family Fluff. Because Mikey being vulnerable in this situation is perfect. 

Sanzu is banned to come because he’s a drama queen when his king is sick.

2)Canon Divergence

Rather that killing Emma, Izana decides to kidnap Takemichi to force Mikey to obey. Well Kisaki still hurts Emma but she doesn't die (she still end to the hospital). 

Kisaki can't stop himself to hurt Takemichi while he's captive and Kakucho is quickly DONE (childhood friends are the best) with it and punch him few times.

 Izana doesn't react, in fact he laughes and tell Kisaki that he shouldn't have touched to his brother's belonging. 

 And that he's lucky that Emma is still alive or he would have killed him. (yeah in this au, Izana is a better brother toward Emma)

Mikey doesn’t react well.

Not a all.

(Koko is super stressed and discretly send a message to Inui to tell him where is Takemichi)

(Bonus if Kisaki ends in prison)

[thekillingmoonmoon]

heyyyooo!

how have you been this week? how was cake and roommate!!

there is something so satisfying about a fattened notebook, and the little crinkle each page turn makes. i'm really bad at marking up notebooks. i feel like i don't want to ruin it with whatever i'm wanting to make notes on. unless it's for school or something, then i don't mind.

to completely judge a book by its cover i'm going to have to agree that hamlet is the one i would position cover-out on a bookshelf! i was gifted a set of books that are supposed to be displayed as a colour gradient but... that's not how i arrange books, so the idea is lost and all the brightly coloured spines are scattered among all the other books in my shelf. oop.

ah i made a note for the philodendron and the jp peace lily for when we get flowers in the spring, thank you! let's also hope the are immune to my vampirism, or perhaps i should consider growing garlic XD

ouuuuuuu i've been thinking about the threads in this xmas au since i read it. one, because i was trying to come up with a name for it (best i could do was 'claus and effect' and i've also tried to come up with some slay/sleigh related pun. it's not working), and two, i got mischievously sentimental while i was trying to think up the funny bits. warning, i'm not funny anymore lol. anyway! holidays with bonten.

for koko, i feel like he wraps the presents himself, all neat creases and tidy edges, minimal amounts of wasted paper, and just the right amount of tape to keep it sealed. and they're neatly arranged into their own little piles like trees, because he refuses to put up the real tree. sanzu sends the screenshot of the biscuit-making but omi hears about it (poor guy has heard eeeeeverything about this breakup), takes his advisory role seriously and says it's xmas, ease up on poor koko. so after some consideration, sanzu does. by sneakily taking a candid photo of koko facing the piles of presents and no hint of holidays in the rest of the room, slapping a cool-toned filter on it, and sending that to her with a single text "all he is for christmas is blue." and because she's done well healing past the hurt, and know how the holidays are for him, she sends him a small tin of the almond horns she'd baked. it's a christmas miracle of a truce between the two, if only for a few weeks. yes, sanzu is occasionally sweet. yes, i am playing favourites.

agreed agreed agreed that ran has already bought the best gifts, both quality and sentimental wise. god i'm such a softie for redrose!ran. i can't make any excuses for menace!sanzu when it comes to the haitanis though, so i'll leave him be for this one. for ran and rindou, i could see them also having a christmas miracle of a truce because at the end of the day, they're still brothers who relied and trusted only each other for the longest time. everyone in bonten breathes a small sigh of relief. (i told you, i got stuck in the xmas haze. the holidaze, if you will). i like your idea of the three mikey moods! his one and only warning that he's moving from dorayaki to murder mode in the meeting is him calmly reaching over and stuffing the untouched part into a mouth.

i'd like a happy medium between really effing dry heat and humid heat. it snowed for a bit over the past few days and i'm just... tired and cranky all the time now, haha x_x and not at all the nice snowy scene i described, just a depressing grey.

since you said proper little pizza oven... i'm imagining the one from back to the future, haha. and about the biscuits, i need to know what happened with them!! what kind of flour did she sub? what was the end result? flat and brittle? i'm one of those people who love reading about recipes and collecting them but never make a habit of consistently making any. (though i am pretty good at making a burnt basque cheesecake, even though it's the easiest thing ever but looks like i've spent more time on it than i actually have XD)

lol okay i'm really glad i'm anon because i'm always really shy about sharing music so... to be a little different i'll name my top song for each year i've had it. for 2021 it's blackpink - lovesick girls, for 2020 it's massive attack - paradise circus, for 2019 it's the midnight - shadows (uppermost remix), for 2018 it's the internet - special affair. no judgement pls! 😁💐

helllo hello!

Cake and roommate was delightful, although the driving was not! I got caught in a cloudburst on the way home and the sillies in front of me didn't have ANY lights on? very scary. but I came home in one piece lol.

This week has mostly been procrastination, I'm afraid - but I will complete what needs to be done... eventually...

i also had the phobia of messing up a nice notebook, until I started using the very boring and ugly school notebooks as bullet journals. And now I have no problem breaking in a notebook with my scribbles. I get very frustrated with my handwriting though, but I feel like everyone has that issue.

Ooo - please share your preferred method of organising books! is it height-based? colour-based? alphabetical? chronological? does it at least make sense? (mine does not, in any way)

'Claus and effect' had me cackling, I'm not gonna lie. Like, suffer the consequences of your actions, Bonten boys! Except you, Ran, you're just too fucking happy to be here.

Koko is 100% the present wrapper - the others try to bribe him to wrap their presents (Koko only does it for Mikey, because Mikey just looks so fucking sad when his mess of wrapping paper and tape falls apart) and Koko will 100% unwrap the presents for you, and FOLD the paper for next year! (my gran did this - thanks Great Depression Era parenting - and I've semi adopted this, if only to decrease the volume of rubbish accumulated at the end of unwrapping. I save bows though)

I'm losing it at Sanzu's very sincere attempts of reconciliation (there's still no ways he's going to be of any assistance to the Haitanis though)I think Sanzu's fairly fond of Koko - they've been together since the very start, and I'm sure Koko has cleaned up a fair bit of Sanzu's messes and funds the drug habit, albeit reluctantly. Sanzu also probably has your number because of the amount of times you've had to come collect a tipsy Koko who keeps mumbling sad things about Inupi and Akane and just generally bringing down the Vibe at the Bonten party.

God bless Takeomi. He's listened to so much. just let him retire. He looked over sanzu's message to you and he just had no idea why sanzu was laughing so hard? Koko is blue? he's sad? why is this funny? Haruchiyo, stop laughing. He's also heard every possible theory under the sun regarding what's going on with the Haitanis. Sanzu is so curious, and just assumes that Takeomi's and Mochi's silence on the matter means they want to listen to his theories. sanzu's even more confused when the Haitanis declare a truce for the holidays - like why are you talking to each other now? don't you hate each other? is the war over? Both of the brothers just look at him blankly - Mikey is finishing his plate of food rapidly - maybe we should switch to a party game...

a side note - nether of the Haitanis can wrap a gift. Bless them, they try, but Ran has settled on paying someone to wrap his presents. It's the inside that counts, right? the fact that he didn't actually stick down the tape doesn't matter, and he knows you understand. Rindou has yet to catch on, although he has recently discovered the power of the Gift Bag (why wrestling wrapping paper when you can just pop it into a bag? genius!) Can one of them PLEASE talk to Sanzu and Takeomi about this though? Takeomi wraps things in fucking newspaper and packing tape, and there's no shortage of times when he's gotten distracted and left his lighter or cigarettes (or once, his whole fucking gun) in your present. Sanzu, just, uh, doesn't wrap anything. It gets handed to you as is, maybe still in the plastic bag he bought it in. But he does buy it himself. So that's a win? Kakucho's presents are charmingly self-wrapped. They're not as perfect as Koko, there are a few crinkly bits and he did eventually give up on wrapping that very weirdly shaped gift and put it in a bag. But everything is done with a lot of love and quiet dedication. Mikey's too. He's actually spent hours in multiple malls looking for the perfect gift (none of them were perfect. He had to get Koko to help him order it) his card is also barely legible, but there's so much thought and care put into his gifts that you can't help but cry tears of joy for our saddest little crime boss. Mochi gives you gift cards, or a card giving you him and his credit card for the day, so that you can spend the day doing whatever you like with him, getting precisely what you want (there have been too many occasions when Mochi has bought things the wrong size or colour and he feels so awful about it)

oo, new music for me to look up! I don't judge music tastes, just vibe with what you love - and then like an evil little music raccoon I will steal your recommendations and add them to my collection >_<

alright, enough Bonten Christmas, else you're going to actually make me like Christmas. I'm sorry to hear about your grey snow days - hopefully you get some decent wintery days soon <3

oh lordy the Back to Future pizza oven... that is a food sin..

as for where the biscuit recipe went wrong... I'm honestly too scared to ask - i think she might have used the wrong flour, but I'm not sure what.

!!!! cheesecake!! is it fairly easy to make?? if so, please drop the recipe!

anyway! thank you for stopping by <3 sending love to you and I hope you have a good end to your week xx

mwah!

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

can you imagine telling me 'bonten tl harutaku, pretty boyfriends, that's all" and then not immediately saying more? Like, thanks for setting the autism rabbit hole 😔

Well, in my defense I assumed there was not much to say about Bonten HaruTaku for two reasons:

When could they interact if Takuya is having a good future?

Sanzu "has" Mikey there. Big stretch bc Mikey is an empty shell of himself, but yeah, being his right hand is difficult to imagine him not totally focused on Mikey (is his special interest and we all know it✨). Even more with interacting with anyone outside Bonten. He has to keep the depressed twink alive + a whole organization running like it had a functional boss (okay, Koko helps a lot with anything money related, but violence? That's Haru's deal and I'm pretty sure that as much unhinged as he can be, he works himself for 3 people minimum. Is for Mikey, so no more questions your honor 😌)

BUT!

It has been brought to my attention by @fredlikesbreakfast that we don't see Takuya in Pah-chin's wedding or at any point of the "good future" interactions on Toman's side.

(Also, I'm gonna be using his headcanons about Takuya, bc I'm not a Takuya expert and I trust his wisdom on this. Go read them, everyone!)

And.... This.

Just watch this and how I'm about to build sandcastles over fucking nothing, okay?

(Did I wanted an excuse to show choker Takuya in full color? Yeah, sue me xD)

And then, we get Bonten introduced with some random traitors meeting their "fate"...

(Wakui and his realisim, I just noticed the puddle, argh)

(yeah, Haru is talking alone in here, saying nonsense, right? Is he? Is he talking to that random or to the one next to him? 👀)

ARE YOU ALL SEEING IT? WHO THAT RANDOM BLONDE COULD BE?

Okay, first of all, before talking about harutaku I need to put some context in bonten harumai situation, so bear with me, please! (Haru never got to be his own person, this tl is when he's more of a lost cause and erased himself for Mikey more than ever, so... For understanding Haru, we need to look at his (not) relationship with Mikey 😮‍💨)

Canon facts? Wakui told us that Mikey barely tolerates anyone at this point and he can only stand Sanzu 🔥 Oh, and has no libido whatsoever (not surprising, anorexic depressed twink much)

That means their codependency is canon, hell yeah!

But, and that's a big one... Mikey is terrified of love bc that would mean having someone to grieve and he can't go there. Besides, he's trying to build a good future for everyone else, so if he admits having feelings for Sanzu... Where would that leave him? Having to push him away for his own good too? (Like Haru wouldn't stay no matter what but shhh, Mikey is depressed and biased)

So yeah, Mikey needs Sanzu, but at the same time, he can't get too close to him. What leads to a pretty fucked up situation where Haru is forced again and again to have to guess Mikey's moods and whims and to never known if he's gonna be welcomed or not.

(Besides the "small" detail of Haru scars being a reminder of Mikey's darkness and what he could do, so... Yeah, complicated)

My personal hc is that they used to be a thing✨ during Kanto Manji times. Until Haru made the mistake of dropping the word love, what turned out into Mikey stopping it all together. One thing is to lie to himself that this is just casual sex, but love? Yeah, no, that can't be.

Why is all of this important? Because it means we have a Haruchiyo who got to be with Mikey for some months and then lose it. An openly rejected Haruchiyo who still stays glued by Mikey's side (Mikey stopped the sex, but still needed him) and who is the only one Mikey tolerates. Are you seeing it? He is at his most delulu and unrequited version of his obsession love for Mikey. 🙃

The setting is twisted and messed up from the start, even before Takuya appears in here 😭

THEY ARE GONNA BE DOOMED FROM THE START!

(Well, no surprises considering how it ends I guess xD)

Okay, we have a Takuya that is trying to find his own path in live. Or at least, to separate himself from Takemichi and be his own persona. What is the opposite of the old Toman goodies who are trying to build a normal and happy life? Get involved with gangs again, ofc! 🔥

For some reason I think he got involved when it was still Kanto Manji. Probably bc it feels more reachable than Bonten? But also, if we go with the hcs of last teen years starting with weed and mixing stuff? He had to buy it somewhere and teen gangs feels like a good choice. Koko was there too, they didn't share much time on the 1st division, but is also someone he knows (and who unlike Kakucho who joins later, is in that gang from the start)

So Takuya starts dealing with drugs. You need money to maintain addictions, it is what it is. Small dealing that gets more serious as he grows up. His ability to be an npc seems pretty useful to deal with drugs on the street, ngl. So he ends up getting promoted due to the fact that his numbers are good (Koko here looking for people who is good at making money). Not a big promotion, he's not a higher up. But he's not a nobody either anymore.

That's Sanzu's cue to enter. He is a paranoid gremlin, we all know that. No way he won't stalk suspect on Takuya, when he's aware he was one of Takemichi's friends – who Sanzu hates and calls stinky (jealous much 🙄).

I think this will be around Bonten creation, first couple of years? What also means Senju just died, ugh. More unstable Sanzu, yey! (but also, in more need for comfort and he can't find it on his king, so that also adds to the mix)

Sanzu discovers Takuya is actually on his own and doesn't have much contact with the Mizo gang – less and less everyday – no more than someone could have with ex-classmates. What yeah, saves Takuya's ass (for now), but makes him curious. Why did Takuya part ways with the others? What is about this guy and why is he different that Sanzu assumed he will be? How did he managed to separate himself from who used to be the center of his life? (that last question is one Haru would never admit even to himself bc it feels like a betrayal, but is there. Unconsciously floating on his brain, no doubt)

Pretty sure, again, Haru is the one approaching to Takuya (for not work related purposes, they might have interact before). Junkie radar also works here, but well, is more obvious on both sides, so no need for any radar I guess? 🤣

Differences that I clearly see in their relationship here?

Sanzu is his boss, that for starter. The power dynamics are more unbalanced than ever bc here, Haru is the second in command and pretty confident about it (he has reasons to be, let's be real, Bonten would crumble without him or Koko)

What means that vulnerability he showed sometimes in Bad Toman? That morning after care? Takuya being able to see some cracks on his walls? Forget about it. Not happening. He has to be the perfect right hand (for Mikey), so he can't show weakness to an underling. He can't stop and acknowledge his exhaustion or feelings either, has to keep going.

He's high all the damn time, but also miraculously functioning more. So not as easy to have a situation where he calls Takuya in a moment of weakness.

Unsafe rough sex, so many dubious situations plus more marked bdsm dynamics.

Also, this one can sound weird, but at the same time, Haru is gonna be more demanding of affection. Had a terrible meeting or didn't sleep in 48h bc work? "Takuya, come here and pet my hair, I need to be pampered." Clingy as usual but more openly? Probably even more needy and craving of love now that I think about it 🤔 Bc he spends his days by Mikey's side, feeling the constant rejection.

As long as the years keep passing tho, I think Haru starts crumbling. Slowly and just showing lil pieces, but... Have you seeing Bonten Mikey? He looks too much like tl0 Mikey. NO WAY HARU IS NOT GRADUALLY GETTING TRIGGERED WATCHING THE SIMILARITIES GROWING MORE EVERY DAY! *insert screaming cat in here please*

Takuya sees that. He sees that Haru is more burned out every day, but also, that he comes back from his time with Mikey worse and worse every day. More irascible and grumpy, easier to jump and go violent. But also more clingy and a total emotional mess. Nightmares every night? No doubt either. (or at least when he sleeps, ugh)

Where I'm going with this? Welp... We need Takuya getting killed, right? And why? Why did he end up like that? As much as he can be dumb with his friendships, I think Takuya is smart enough to not try to betray Bonten. Especially if he has 💫something💫 with Sanzu. It's a suicide and a way to kill their relationship all at once. Feels odd.

But what if what Takuya did was something different? What if out of worry he started to point out to Haru that he was looking more drained every day? That he should rest from time to time. Small things here and there, that depending on Haru's mood would make him feel touched (someone sees him enough to notice this, someone cares) or annoyed (he can't admit it, he can't stop, remember?)

And Takuya starts feeling a lil confident with saying those things. Bc Sanzu also got softer with the years, more caring in a weird crazy way (he learns to appreciate the only place where he feels seen).

I also have no doubt Takuya has been biting his tongue for years about the fact that Haru runs when Mikey calls or text him. No matter the hour or what he was doing. Literally. Mid sex? Yeah, "sorry Takuya, my king needs me, see you!" (terrible xD)

Maybe one day Sanzu arrives at Takuya more exhausted than usual. He didn't sleep in 3 days, he just want to be hugged and pampered, to not be alone with his own demons. Is painfully obvious that he's so broken, that Takuya feels protective. And oh, Mikey calls Sanzu when he finally fell asleep? And he just answers and says he'll be there in a few minutes? 💀

Takuya explodes. I have a vision of Haru getting dressed and clenching his jaw bc he doesn't have the time to deal with this bullshit, hissing a "careful" as an only warning. While Takuya is saying that this is not normal, that Haru is killing himself for Mikey, for someone who doesn't even appreciate him (will he go as far to say that doesn't deserve it? Unsure, but that is a nice touch, ngl).

That's it. That settles it for Sanzu. Takuya must die, he showed he's not really loyal to Mikey (and what's worse, but Haru won't admit, he told him so truths and put a mirror in front of him)

I can even go further and say the way Sanzu chooses to kill him is totally on purpose. He can't make it personal, can't he? Admit to himself that again, he wanted something of his own? That he craved love and willingly accepted it from someone else that wasn't Mikey? No way, he had that once (Mucho, you'll always hurt 🥲). This time, he kills Takuya with a gun, not katana-chan. And with two other randoms. Because this is not personal, this is business (yeah, keep lying to yourself, Haru)

And the words he says? "Bring down Bonten's hammer of judgment"? Considering Mikey almost never talks and when he does is to Haru.... Yeah, Haru babu, you're Bonten judge and executor. You're the one translating Mikey's will to the rest (what explains why Bonten is so freaking unhinged btw xD).

He is the one judging Takuya. Period.

Also, that "shhh" moment? Pointing out to the three tied people that they should listen to the king, that what Mikey says is law? That feels like a last message to Takuya now.

So, ummmm.... Remember when I said I was about to build a huge harutaku headcanon from nothing? Yeah? Here it was, I hope someone read it until the end and enjoy it xD

(I might add some things later, who knows. But I'm also totally open to others adding to it, let's keep building harutaku together, yey! 💜)

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

Reborn Again (and again and again)

(Sanzu's bday fic with tones of angst)

(Bonten HaruMai)

It's been a while since I posted my fics here bc no spoons kept my away of tumblr ( I'm gonna try to post all of them and they are always on ao3!)

But.... Sanzu Haruchiyo birthday seems like the perfect occasion for this!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LIL PINK GREMLIN, I LOVE YOU DEARLY AND YOU DESERVE THE WORLD! (but I'm gonna give you angst and a lap full of Mikey, oopsie?)

(link to ao3 in case someone wants to read it there)

Summary: Sanzu remembers his last birthday, bittersweet memories that keep his delusions afloat.

And of course, he'll never lose his faith in his king.

(even when Mikey's eyes are completely devoid of all emotion)

Warnings: Manga Spoilers (Bonten timeline, so yeah), Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Suicide, Mental Health Issues (issues is an understatement xD), Toxic Codependent Relationship, Heavily Depressed Mikey, Burn Out Sanzu, Unrequited Delusional Love, and idk, is Bonten they are so totally not fine and it shows, okay?

Yeah, this fic is an emotional roller coaster, it felt like it writing it and is not less of it as a reader (or I've been told that). Oh, Sanzu is sad and horny bc you can't tell me Bonten Mikey has energy to fuck (or live)

There is a part of the fic inspired on this art, bc Mikey sleeping on Haru's lap is for some reason precious to me 💜

Sanzu was bored, his feet kept tapping the ground, his mind drifting far away from here. He should be paying attention to his surroundings, guarding the building where his king was. 

Instead, he was lost in the memories of his last birthday, almost one year ago. Wondering if it would be different this time, if Mikey remembered his promise. He shook his head, immediately feeling guilty for daring to doubt it. Of course he did, Sanzu was only feeling insecure, nothing new. 

(He had to repeat it as many times as necessary, to convince himself that Mikey’s eyes had not been completely devoid of all emotion for more than a month)

To be fair, the fact that Hangaki didn’t represent any type of threat to his king, wasn’t helping him focus on the present or to keep his thoughts from wandering back to the previous year.

Sanzu was having a shitty day. That wasn’t exactly unusual lately, he had become more and more tired during the last years few months. Exhausted would be the right word, but he couldn’t afford to rest, to even entertain the possibility that he should delegate some of his responsibilities to others if he didn’t want to end up completely burned out. But of course, he couldn't trust anyone else to perform his duties, so Sanzu was forced to continue stretching himself thin.

(If he was more honest with himself, he could admit that he had been falling apart for way too long. But he wasn’t, he couldn’t)

Whatever. He was used to it. He’s handled this weariness before — today wasn’t unique. He was a grown ass man, who definitely wouldn’t throw a tantrum just because everyone forgot it was his birthday. And twenty-seven wasn’t a memorable number either, so who cared? 

This was just Sanzu being salty, tonight's job took up more time than he anticipated, so he had to see Takeomi’s ugly face for way too long. Yeah, it was totally unrelated to the pang of jealousy he felt when he overheard the older man explaining to Kakucho how this week was special, since the anniversary of Senju’s death was close. He wasn’t that pathetic, to hold a grudge because, even now, his sister kept hogging all the attention.

(What sister? Sanzu was an only child, his own mind was playing tricks to him again)

He sighed, using his own set of keys to open the door of Mikey’s penthouse and trying to be as silent as possible. He was fully aware his king wouldn’t be sleeping — it was getting harder each day to convince him to even try it.

It was better to be quiet anyway, at least, until he had a clue of which mood he was going to find. Would it be one of those days of empty glares and cold words, where he was only ‘Sanzu’? Or…

“Haruchiyo?”

A weak whisper, but more than enough for him to quickly locate the source. Mikey was sitting on the sofa, completely in the dark except for the dim light that came through the window, proving the outside world was still there, uncaring and merciless. 

“Hey… I’m back.”

His heart sank when he got closer, finally noticing Mikey’s puffy eyes and his tear-streaked cheeks. He wanted nothing more than to comfort him, caress his beautiful face and erase any trace of pain in it. But he knew better. Years of walking on broken glass around his lover taught him better.

(Was ‘lover’ the right word? When he had to repress his own feelings, pretending there was no love in order to stay by Mikey’s side? Probably not)

“What’s wrong?” 

He asked cautiously, sitting on the nearest armchair. Mikey blinked a couple of times, looking at him in awe, almost like he was processing that Sanzu was really here.

“I thought you wouldn’t come tonight.” 

There was no point in reminding him that he could just text or call —that no matter what he was doing, Sanzu would leave it in a heartbeat to run to his king's side. Mikey was fully aware of it, but he refused to show this type of weakness.

“I’ll always come back to you, Mikey.”

He gave him a soft smile, hoping it was somehow reassuring. It seemed to work, considering the next moment he had a lap full of Mikey, wrapping his arms around Haruchiyo’s neck and hiding his face in it. He didn’t have to think twice before hugging him back and gently pulling the thin body closer.

“I’m sorry, the deal took longer than I thought.” 

A noncommittal hum was the only answer he received,  another sign that Mikey cared less every day about his own organization. It was fine, Sanzu could keep the gears turning and perfectly greased, waiting until his king was ready to step back in the game and take what was rightfully his. 

“But I’m here now, I’m right here…” 

His voice dripped with affection, his touch conveying the same feeling as he started to play with the white locks. The soft caresses spoke louder than the words he’ll never say. It was fine — he was good at hiding parts of himself, burying it with all his secrets.

(So many secrets, weighing him more every day, slowly drowning him until he couldn’t recognize his own reflection)

“You are.” Mikey finally lifted his head, looking at him like he was trying to figure out something. “Even if this morning…”

“No idea what you’re talking about.” 

It was a lie, they both knew it. Of course he remembered how detached his king had been, how disgusted he looked by his weak attempt at cuddling. The cold voice, clearly commanding him to disappear from his sight. ‘Don’t you have work to do, Sanzu?’

It was a lie, one of the many he carefully crafted for Mikey’s sake. There was no need to dwell on it when Sanzu wanted to comfort him, not burden him with guilt. Especially when the cause was his own inability to hide his stupid hopes and desires. 

“Apparently about nothing.”

“Yep, nothing at all.” He repeated, softly brushing a strand of hair out of Mikey’s eyes and kissing his forehead, earning a simper in return.

Wait, what? A smile? A coy one, small and probably easy to miss for anyone else. But not for him, Sanzu was able to spot the most subtle change in his king’s expression, and this wasn’t subtle. A genuine smile on Mikey’s face? And thanks to him? 

Sanzu’s inner turmoil disappeared. The fatigue that he constantly carried with him was gone too. Just like that, a simple gesture from his king, made everything better, all the problems more than worth it as long as it meant protecting these rare moments of happiness.

(A necessary reminder of why he kept fighting, always so restless, refusing to let go, reinventing himself over and over)

He leaned in to cross the small distance between their lips, kissing him slowly, wanting to savor the moment. There was no rush for once, and even if he longed for more, even if his body reacted to the closeness and the familiar taste, he knew too damn well Mikey’s libido had been practically nonexistent lately. 

No matter how much he yearned to go further, he’d take whatever his king offered to him without presumptions. For now, Sanzu was content with the way Mikey’s lips parted, allowing his tongue to explore freely. He couldn’t stop himself from moaning inside the kiss, realizing he sounded too desperate. 

Damn it, when was the last time they actually had sex? He couldn’t recall when it was, but he could clearly see the memories – the way Mikey whimpered in his ear, his body pressed against the shower wall… 

Fuck, he had to calm down before his own neediness tarnished this moment doing something stupid — Like pressing Mikey’s warm body down onto his growing erection, bucking his hips slightly, rubbing himself just enough to feel the friction against that tight ass he adored so much… Stop it, brain!

“Sorry…”

Sanzu pulled away from the kiss with a flustered face, looking at Mikey with glossy eyes and pressing their foreheads together, still catching his breath. 

“Why are you apologizing, Haruchiyo?” There was a sad undertone in his voice that didn't go unnoticed. “It’s me, I can’t even give you that, you should…” 

“Don’t go there.” He gently placed a finger in front of the other’s lips. “I don’t need it, okay? I can live perfectly fine without fucking.”

“But you want it.” Mikey deadpanned. 

“Of course I do, because you’re gorgeous and I can’t help feeling attracted to you.” He gave him a soft peck. “And that’s on me, you don’t owe me anything, alright? Having you in my arms like this is already the best birthday gift I could ever wish for.”

“What?!” 

“Nothing.” It was too late — he knew as soon as he saw Mikey’s eyes widening in a mix of surprise and clarity.

“Fuck, it’s July… That’s not nothing!” He groaned in frustration. “Did you get to celebrate it at least?” 

Judging by the way Mikey looked at him, the answer to this was probably written in his face. That was the exact reason why he didn’t tell him, to absolve him of the guilt, to prevent him from falling deeper into self-loathing. 

“It’s okay, we can still celebrate it together if you want-”

“It's not even your birthday anymore.” 

His rage was icy cold, Sanzu was sure the temperature of the whole room dropped a few degrees. Suddenly he was freezing, despite the anger not being directed at him for once. 

“Then we don’t? It’s not a big deal, really, there will be other occasions. It happens every year, right?” His gaze stared at him with disbelief. “What? I’m serious, I don’t need some fancy ass shit, this is already perfect.”

“Haruchiyo…” Whatever his king wanted to say, the way Sanzu hugged him tighter seemed to change his mind. Instead, he sighed, burying his face on the crook of his neck. “Fine. Next year?”

“Next year it is.” 

He started to stroke his hair once again, wanting to leave this conversation behind. It was true, his day got infinitely better the moment Mikey sat on his lap and hugged him. Sanzu couldn’t ask for more, because there was nothing but him.

“I won’t forget it, I promise.” 

Sanzu gasped at the honesty in those words, a lump in his throat that threatened to make him cry, touched by his king making a promise to him. It wasn’t going to happen, he couldn’t put his own burden on Mikey, it was his to bear alone. 

(Alone and isolated inside of his own mind)

“I know you won’t Mikey, I believe in you.” 

He whispered with raw devotion. He will never lose his faith in Mikey, because as long as his king kept breathing… Everything was possible. 

Sanzu smiled softly, melting slightly with the memory of how Mikey ended falling asleep on his lap, of how he made sure to stay still, to not interrupt the other’s dreams. If he closed his eyes, he could see how perfect Mikey looked when he woke up hours later, well rested for once. The way his face lit up when he saw that Sanzu was still there, hugging him for hours and making sure he was comfortable. He could even feel the lingering sensation of his lips on his own… Damn it, how could he miss Mikey so much when they were almost living together?

(It was due to Mikey fading in front of him, disappearing somewhere out of his reach. No, he couldn’t admit that)

He sighed, frustrated with himself. He was doing it again, yearning instead of being grateful for what he was given. 

A sudden change in the white noise from nearby pedestrians forced him to snap out of his inner turmoil. He lifted up his head, scanning the surroundings to find the source of the commotion. 

Sanzu’s eyes widened with panic, the world went silent. Except for the echo of his own delusions shattering into thousand pieces, ringing in his ears for a split second that lasted for ages.

“Mikey?!!”

[thekillingmoonmoon]

noooo boo rain, but yay thesis! i think... i've never written one ^_^;;;

i am buzzing with excitement for dahlia because your charming, hypnotizing ran is how i found you <3

and my dear rindou... "we should date" straight and to the point and just my type of romantic XD

i don't see an issue with your handwriting, i write in caps too! i like to think of it as "yelling politely" in my notes. red ink if i want to be slightly less polite. your Z and 5 are my favourites.

i laughed pretty loudly at the takeomi pic because while your caption was (he scream) when i saw it what i heard was (old man noises). i did see the talk about every angel emoji-covered face dying, and that maybe senju as the third deity has the dark impulse too? south was terrifying this chapter, i'm worried for everyone in his war path. is mikey's blankness because of draken or is this his new normal and biding his time watching south to plan a counter attack? i only caught up recently so may have to re-read to have better insight. i feel like i missed things the first time that i'd pick up on now.

the mess that bonten would be if it were all a shared universe... sounds amazing haha. thinking about it, i really like the theme of platonic soulmates T-T and your terrible vision is so very not-terrible! i think it's cute!

no worries about business hours. i make renderings for people so there are pockets of time where i can zone out while setting up the scene or choosing things like trees and furniture. it can sometimes get hectic but right now it's okay. what about you? i keep leaving these walls but is the frequency a distraction? i can space them out more if it is. i think people understand how much you're juggling all at once, i remember a bit ago you had a comment up on the garden about october being busy and that you were modifying your schedule to suit.

sorry i made you rant and if i hit a touchy subject =(

halloween is pretty big in my area, the neighbourhood has been slowly populating their front properties with stuff. there's one house nearby that has brightly lit, kid friendly decorations on the path to its front door but if you look to the far corner on the other side of the house they've hung this airy but drapey ghost looking thing that only juuuust catches your eye when it's dark and it scares the expletives out of me every time. i hate it. well done.

gallivanting across the country sounds fun! i hope you have a lot of fun things planned and that you get to recharge =)

hello hello >.< I hope you're doing well, sweets <3

Writing a thesis is an experience, lemme tell you. I think I've gone through every emotion (except satisfaction) throughout the past year. But I've had a very intersting growing experience? let's call it that. I have more work due the end of this week before I depart, so fingers, toes, and any other limbs crossed that it goes well.

Rindou... rindou rindou rindou. honestly he's more Past!Moon's taste than Ran, but I felt like writng for Ran would be more fun than reliving my past messes -_- I'm writing a scene with him right now, and I hope I'm doing it justice.

I just love the concept of everything taking place at once, especially with Bonten. Imagining the more mature men like Takeomi, Mochi, and Kakucho just having to deal with depressed/in denial Koko, and the weird tension between Ran and Rindou (before dahlia). And Mikey and Sanzu just being completely oblivious. Mikey because he's also a depressed husk of a human, and Sanzu because well.. Sanzu is Sanzu.

I've hhad a few issues with writing - just mostly not being able to do the thing where I go into the same sort of trance rose red and marigold pulled out of me, but right now I'm sitting and listening to my dad's old records/vinyl and that might do the trick.

and yes! Takeomi is thee definition of *old man noises*, poor guy. Have you seen all the theories about him? I'm a little sad, mostly because I thought I'd finally found an unproblematic fave... oh well, he can join the rest of the horrible men I enjoy...

Oh gosh.. red ink?? i don't use that a lot. I write in black or pencil really. I use red for headings though, but that's about it. and rendering? for like video games? my ex did something similar if that's what you do. it's far too advanced for my granny-brain. I think any digital art/visual stuff is too much for me lol. And the walls are always welcome. I tend to have a lot of downtime with my own job, where I just sit and wait for emails, and as much as I try use those breaks to write/work on my thesis, your messages are always so fun to answer.

I've planned everything out except for the last fic.. number 30... do you have any requests? I've been considering the following:

Draken x reader x Inupi

Shinichiro x reader x Takeomi

naoto x reader

but if you have something particular that you'd like to see me try, I'm all eyes and ears!

Never apologise! I'm sorry I had a weird rant :(

Oh god, oh god oh fuck. If I ran into that resident ghostie of yours I would cry. I get frightened by my partner coming around a corner unexpectedly, or if my cupboard is open, so I would not handle it at all.. although I spend an unhealthy amount of time listening to podcasts about hauntings/true crime/spooky things - I like to pretend it's forr my thesis but yikes.

I'm so excited for the trip. I went shopping for the wedding outfit and have made all the necessary arrangements to meet up with old friends and family. I'm also going to go to the large telescope in the middle of nowhere, and I'm very keen to stare at some stars.

how is your week looking? anything planned? is it getting cold/hot where you are? xxx