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theaccidentalstepmom · 4 years

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Stepmom. Bonus mom. They call me GoGo.

I found myself here by accident... a happy accident. But being a full time stepmom was not something I exactly planned.

When we started dating they’d been separated 9 months and were 6 months into the divorce process. J had just filed a move away request to relocate with their 2 year old son to Hawaii where her boyfriend lived.

Dating man who’s just ended a 10 year relationship, has a toddler and is in the middle of a divorce and custody battle? Where do I sign up?!

A rational person would do a hard 180 and run away!! Less than a year out of a marriage, a 10 year marriage, is WAY too soon... right? (I still think it was too soon for him but I’m not sure waiting 6 months or even a year would have made much difference.) I had a pretty short conversation with myself and it went something like: “Okay GoGo he’s got a kid- if you’re in you have to be ALL in because this relationship goes south it affects an impressionable little boy who needs consistency right now- not more upheaval. Got it? (Yes ma’am.) Also, they have joint custody NOW but things change- life’s unpredictable- what if his ex dies and he becomes a full time dad? If you go into this relationship you go ALL in- eyes and heart open to all the possible futures. (Okay.) Finally, GoGo, just know you will probably have to step up in unexpected ways so... be ready!”

Taking care of another human being is exhausting. I love kids and can list all the adjectives on how great and rewarding children are but let’s not sugar coat this caregivign business it’s work and it’s hard work. I was a nanny for 5 years so I watched kids for maybe 6-8 hours a day and THAT was exhausting. Being a parent means that as soon as you wak up your on, then you drop your kid off at daycare and go to work when you get home, time to be a parent. You don’t have any down time. Ever. You basically don’t get to sleep until maybe they’re 5 years old.

So, I went in prepared for the unexpected. About a year into our relationship R and I were talking about moving in together and then J’s move away request was denied so things seemed to be settling back to the old 2/2/3 custody schedule.

Then J surprised everyone and decided to move to Hawaii without P. That was a rough day.

She moved. She chose to move. Bottom line.

That’s why we’re dealing with what we’re dealing with. It’s a situation that was created by her actions and make significantly more difficult becuase of her behavior. It’s easy to get hung up and distracted by other details but it really comes back to that. Because if she had made the decision to move and owned that decision as a choice she made and been supportive of R who was now the primary parent, and done everything in her power to make the transition easier on her son and on R then that would have been another story. That would have been a very short blog. But she didn’t do that. She moved and she made it everyone else’s problem. She behaves as though this is a situation that she’s forced into. The solution to any conflict is that P move to Hawaii. She has no desire to make transitions easier for her son because when they are distressing for him, when he’s an emotional trainwreck it reinforces her belief that he needs her more than he needs his father. That he loves her more than he loves his father.

She moved. She could have stayed. She chose to move. Bottom line.

This arrangement is expensive and requires a lot of long travel (I’m not arguing that- this arrangement doesn’t seem sustainable long term but it’s her money). She is very vocal about what an inconvenience this all is, she is the victim, she has to make all the sacrifices, how she does everything for her son.

That’s her logic. Poor her. What a dedicated mother. Um yeah... sort of. But this is completely self created. If she haven’t moved she wouldn’t have to do any of this... If she she still lived here she’d get to see her son every few days and she wouldn’t have to travel every month. She would only need one apartment!

Instead of moving she could have gone to visit her boyfriend one week every month. Or he could have moved here!

She claims her move was financially motivated because SF is so expensive but her logic is SO flawed. True SF is expensive... but so is Hawaii. It’s not like she’d moved to Sacramento or Santa Rosa or even San Jose- that would have saved her money because rent is significantly cheaper and she would have been a 45 min drive away. That would have made sense. No, to “save money” she moved to Hawaii where she earns 30% less and in addition to paying for all her living expenses in Hawaii she also spends about $40K per year on an SF apartment and flights back and forth to visit her son. Which is commendable, I’m glad she’s able to visit him so frequently, but it’s hardly saving money.

In her mind she had to move. That’s what she’s told herself and she’s always coming up with explanations and excuses for how it wasn’t a choice so all the struggles are beyond her control... First she said she was moving was because rent was cheaper in Hawaii. Then she sort of dropped that (probably because no one was buying her claim that renting two apartments and flying back and forth to SF every month was less expensive than just renting one apartment in SF and not traveling) so she switched tactics. She had to move for “some reason”... but don’t focus on that- she is now the dedicated mother who sacrifices so much so she can see her son every month.

I’m not sure when or why but at some point her narrative evolved. It wasn’t enough that she was dedicated and sacrificing- how she’s also a victim. Now the lies really start. She’d lied before, many times, but this has become her persona.

Dedicated mom who’s ex is dragging her through court trying to get full custody of their son- she’s under so much stress! But she’s won’t quit fighting- she loves her son. Her ex is a monster and he’s always trying to prevent her from seeing her son and refuses to be flexible if she needs to change the schedule. And when her son is with her, her ex constantly wants to FaceTime their son and he emails her constantly and and harasses her!!

She moved there because her boyfriend lived there. Not because rent is cheaper.

She doesn’t have family in Hawii and neither does her boyfriend, all of their family and extended family lives in the midwest or East Coast.

We had met once before and I’d talked to her at a few functions but most of what I knew about her was throuh R. But she wanted to meet to talk about her move. I’d been observing her brand of crazy for over a year so I kind of new what to expect and mentally prepared myself for her to throw some twisted logic at me. I knew she’d be on her best behavior and would try to charm me- she wanted me to be her ally. We were gonna be like the lady version of Lennie Kravitz and Jason Whatever his face is... Aquaman. What I hadn’t prepared for was just how charming she would be; how convincing she would be. Damn, she is GOOD. Do you want to be Lennie or should I? You’re super styly, I think you should be him... but I’m Black so maybe it should be me?! Omg, I can’t decide. You’re so pretty, let’s braid each other’s hair!!

To hear her explain her reasons for moving she sounds very logical and rational- struggling mom who wants the best for her son. She was not the victem with me. Not at all. Strong woman has her shit together. Fully aware of the choice she’s making and she’s saying all the right things but the logic is wrong... or at least deeply flawed.

She was actually the first person to call me stepmom. I’m guessing she doesn’t remember that part of the conversation and if she does she’d probably deny it. Or maybe not- she’s unpredictable always keeping me on my toes. But let me tell you when the mother of youre boyfriend’s child meets with you and says “You’re going to be there every day, you’re stepping into the day to day “mom rol”e basically- I’m mean you’ll be his stepmom”. You REMEMBER that shit. My proverbial jaw hit the floor. SHE just called ME the stepmom. I had so many thoughts flash through my brain:

Did she just call me stepmom? Did that actually just happen?! It did! I’ve been toying around with that title with my friends because if I’m parenting every day I don’t really want to introduct myself as “P’s dad’s girlfriend”. But no way in Hell was I going to say it in front of her or bring that up today!! But SHE just said it... Okay, maybe this will go more smoothly than I thought. She seems to have a pretty clear understanding of the role I’ll be talking with HER child and seems okay with that (somehow). If roles were reversed and I was taking to the woman who was going to be living with my child full time... I do not think I would be using that word also I would be sobbing. Stepmom. I need to tell Ramon. How is she moving? Is this really happening?

I honestly didn’t believe she was really moving until she got in the Uber to the airport.

All I can say is thank the gods I spent so much of my youth babysitting and was a nanny for 5 years because I had a pretty clear expectation for exactly how exhausting and mentally taxing being with a child 23/7 would be. Granted I’d never actually done it but I had a pretty clear idea what I was getting into. And since I hadn’t imagined this utopia it actually went really well. Like not many surprises. It was definitely more of an adjustment living with Rthan it was living with a kid.

What a difference 3 years makes. Well 2 years and 5 months really.

I’ve started this blog/glorified online journal as a way to make sense of the shit beyond my control.

I’m not sure where to start... I guess it started when we met. R was 8 months out of a 10 year long relationship (8 year marriage) when we connected. He’d filed for divorce about 6 months prior and his ex had just filed a move-away request to relocate to Hawaii where her new boyfriend lived.

Here’s this incredible person that I’m falling in love with. And he’s a loving, affectionate and dedicated father who is also massively stressed out. His ex is trying to relocate with their son and she has a very expensive and aggressive attorney and she’s made it very clear she has a lot of money to throw at this to make sure she gets her way.

I guess I thought, I’m not an attorney so I can’t help R with all this legal stuff but I do know kids. I’m really good with kids. He’s a good parent parent, and this kid has a mother but both his parents are distracted and what this kids needs is an advocate. Someone not distracted by all their emotional shit and focused on him. So how can I help this kid?

So I started reading books. Books on child psychology, books on divorce, books on parenting, books on co-parenting... books on Hugge. After a bunch of books on high conflict parenting realized we were in different territory and so I started reading books on narcissm, passive agression, cognitive dissonance, toxic personalities anything I could get my hands on. (Thank you SF Public Library!!).

I’m the reader and I was trying to suss out what we were dealing with by reading the entire self help section of the library. R doesn’t read self help but he did seem to have good intuition about people. He was the one who kept around terms like narcissist, bi-polar and borderline personality. I looked up the actual definitions and I wasn’t comfortable using those terms. I’m still not.

Labels just make me uncomfortable. But I did and still do believe that J has some very concerning behaviors and that she can be very toxic. Also, although she appears impulsive and random her behavior has patterns- we’re defnitely playing a long game.

Also, I should mention that that when R first started using those labels was actually a red flag for me. Maybe he was the projecting- that’s what manipulative people do. Maybe HE was the bi-polar borderline narcissist, not her- so I was on high alert for any behavior or indication from him that seemed off.

I read about Parental Alienation Syndrom and I laser focused on that (I’ve since learned that a more approripate term is DV by Proxy). Regardless, R poopoo’d it- she wasn’t going to try to brainwash their son- she’s couldn’t they had a great relationship. Okay, let’s agree to disagree- hope you’re right (I really do) but just in case I’m gonna try to make sure this kid knows how to think for himself and what that feels like and how to recognize if someone is trying to tell him how to think or feel. Basically if she’s not trying to brainwash him then, great, he’ll be prepared if someone else tries. But if she is gonna try she’s going to have an uphill battle.

I just started reading this book but I think it really encapsulates my motivation and what I’m trying to instill:

“Your passivity was demanded to make that relationship work. Your recovery is living in the opposite spirit of being brow beaten to looking down at the ground. Your healing is about standing up tall, looking people in the eyes and calmly saying: I have my own opinions and I am okay if you disagree.” (Healing From a hidden Abuse, Shannon Thomas LCSW)

I do lots of role play lots of modeling behavior. I feel silly doing it but it does seem to resonate with him. The Whole Brained Child suggested adding “to me” to statements and that really resonated with me. I told R and he was on board- we started doing this right after we moved in together so P had just turned 4.

Instead of saying: It’s cold outside.

We said: It’s cold outside to me. Is it cold outside to you?

Or a variation:

Chocolate ice cream is my favorite. What’s your favorite?

(If we agree, great- we’re the same (this time). If we disagree then that’s another learning moment.) Oh, your favorite is strawberry? Is that okay that we have different favorites? Yeah, that’s okay. Can we still be friends even though we like different things? Yeah we can.

(I think it’s normal and natural to be attracted to people with whom you have things in common. I’m not trying to deny that or change that. So I point out things we have in common (which is natural and easy to do) and I also make a conscious effort to point out differences like when his dad and I don’t like the same movie or when I like different foods than my friends.

The last one is what’s your favorite TODAY? I’m not sure where this came from either. Whatever we’re talking about the idea is that a favorite is just today, of course he can have the sand favorite the next day... or not. He can change his mind and that’s allowed and okay.

The other thing is if he asks me a question I try not to just answer him and instead ask “Hmm, what do you think?” If his answer is “I don’t know” I might probe a bit more to see

So focusing on the behavior.

First the words

He came back from his summer in Hawaii and we knew it would take a few days to adjust. He’s a pretty mellow kid, of course he has meltdowns occassionally but usually we can talk through things. But he came back angry. Screaming. It was a drastic departure from the child who’d left to go to Hawaii. Why did dad talk to the judge and make him come home early? He wanted to be with his mom. He didn’t want to be in San Francisco because there was Covid and everyone was dying in California.

He’s 6- he gets his infomration from his parents and in this case his mother. She told him that the judge made him come home early. She told him that his home California is dangerous.

She should NOT be discussing court issues with their son. Period. Just keep him out of it.

Second, I understand that you want your kid to live wiht you in Hawaii but the reality is he lives in California so HELP him live there. Stop scaring him and making him afraid of his home. It’s very concerning that the reason he wants to be in Hawaii is because there isnt’ covid there and he doesn’t have to wear a mask or socially distance. Um... actually yes you do.

So then that brings us to blatent lies.

So this year it’s been: What’s the diffference betwen an opinion and a fact. And then we give lots of examples. When we’re talking we point out examples. It’s really warm today. That’s an opinion- the fact is that it’s 65 degrees.

He’s a bright kid and he’s a reader. I encourage him to ask questions and even look things up on the internet. Just because I say it’s true doesn’t mean it is.

He threw up and had body aches we got him a covid test. He was negative. Ra texted her the result. Later that day P as doing FT with his mom in the other room and I hear her say “Oh, well I didn’t think you had it. Throwing up is like the least common symptom”. So then he came into our bedroom an asked me “Hey is it true that vomiting is the least likely covid symptom?”.

Dammit. During FaceTime?? I should have thought this through better. Not that I’m going to say anything different but she can hear my and I can just imagine her rolling her eyes in the background.

So, what do I say? Because I know vomiting is one of the main symptoms on the CDC website AND vomiting was the only symptom our neighbor’s 6 year old daughter had when she had COVID. But I didn’t say that... instead I said “You know, I’m not sure. Why don’t we look it up later on the internet and see what Dr. Fauci says about it.” In your face!

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