Angel of God, My Guardian Dear Chapter 1: Matt
Rating: Explicit (18+, MINORS DNI)
Pairing: Matt Murdock x F!Reader
Story Summary: While speaking at a local school for visually impaired youth, Matt runs into his childhood best friend, with whom he lost touch almost 20 years prior.
Warnings/Tags: No real warnings thus far -- This is going to be a pretty angst-free fic.
Word Count: ~6,300
A/N: Welcome to Angel of God, My Guardian Dear! This started out as a 1-shot and quickly spiraled out of control, as my thirst for Matthew Michael Murdock could not be contained.
For the purpose of this story, Reader is Catholic and grew up at St. Agnes with Matt.
Title is from the Catholic prayer "Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God's love commits me here, ever this day be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide, Amen."
"All set to go to Lavelle?"
Matt Murdock turned his head as his friend and business partner, Foggy Nelson, came into his office. "Yeah, just need to finish up here and I'll be on my way."
"It was really cool of them to ask you to come speak," Foggy added.
Matt nodded. "I hope I can help these kids realize that their disabilities don't define who they are and that they can be whoever and whatever they want to be, including lawyers."
Foggy huffed out a laugh. "Or crime-fighting vigilantes?"
Matt grinned. "Well actually, there's probably only room for one blind crime-fighting vigilante in this city, so I probably won't suggest that as a potential career path."
Foggy patted Matt on the shoulder. "You're a great speaker, I'm sure you'll motivate the heck out of those kids. Have a good time, dude."
"Thanks, Fog."
Matt grabbed his briefcase, headed outside, then hailed a cab.
"Alright, where we goin'?" The cabbie asked.
"The Bronx," Matt answered. "Lavelle School for the Blind."
The cabbie tapped on a screen, presumably putting the address into his GPS. "Alrighty, just sit tight and we should be there in about half an hour."
Matt sat back as the cab began to move. Think of it like a jury, Karen had said when Matt had told her and Foggy about the opportunity over a couple of pints at Josie's a few weeks before. Just a younger, way more judgmental jury.
Matt had laughed. Not helping.
You'll do great.
He mentally practiced his speech during the ride and before he knew it, the cab was pulling up in front of the school.
"Thanks," Matt said as he paid the cabbie.
"No problem," the cabbie replied. "Enjoy the rest of your day."
"You too."
Matt headed inside.
Almost immediately, a somewhat familiar voice asked him, "Hi, may I help you?"
Matt turned towards the voice. "Hi, yes, my name is Matthew Murdock. I'm one of the speakers for today?"
"Ah, yes, Mr. Murdock, I'm Dr. Bowman, we spoke on the phone."
Matt nodded, now placing the voice. "Right, right."
"We'll be in the meeting hall, which is straight down this corridor. If you'll just come with me…"
Dr. Bowman led Matt down to the meeting hall. "We really appreciate you taking time out of your schedule to speak to our students," she said as they entered.
"It's really not a problem."
"The students and their parents will be starting to arrive in a while, but if you'd like we could have someone escort you around to the exhibitor tables once they're all set up."
"Yeah, maybe."
"We have a Braille program if you'd like one -- it lists all the speakers and exhibitors for today."
"Yeah, I'd love one."
"Okay, one second."
Dr. Bowman stepped away for a minute then returned, handing Matt a booklet printed on Braille paper. "Okay, here you go."
"Thanks." Matt pointed to a nearby table. "Is it okay if I sit over here?"
"Yes, of course. Just let us know if you need anything."
"Will do."
Matt sat at the table and began to read the program. Staff, sponsors, speakers, exhibitors…
He began to read the exhibitor list. American Council for the Blind, representative Ashley Prewitt. VISIONS, representative Clay Markham. NYC Mayor's Office for People with Disabilities, representative Barbara Franklin. Andrew Heiskell Braille and Talking Book Library, representative Y/F/N Y/L/N --
Matt froze and read it again. Could it really be the same Y/N?
Y/N, who at 8 years old had taken 9-year-old Matt, who had just arrived at the orphanage, by the hand and declared that she would be his friend. Y/N, who had giggled when Matt had asked her a few days later if she was an angel and replied, 'no, silly, I'm a girl!' . Y/N, who had been Matt's fiercest protector and had gotten into almost as many fights as Matt himself had. Y/N, who would stroke Matt's hair softly until he fell asleep on the nights when he would sneak into her room because all the stimuli flooding his senses became too overwhelming. Y/N, to whom Matt had taught Braille so they could pass secret notes to each other without anyone else being able to read them. Y/N, who 17-year-old Matt had held while she cried the day they found out that Y/N had been taken in by her long-lost aunt and would be leaving Saint Agnes… and him.
Y/N, his own personal guardian angel, the one person in the world Matt could tell everything to… except the one thing he had wanted to tell her most of all.
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
"I don't want you to leave," he admitted quietly as he and Y/N stood at the entrance to St. Agnes.
"I don't want to leave either," Y/N replied. "I wish you could at least come with me."
Matt chuckled wryly. He had overheard one of the nuns talking to Ms. Y/L/N earlier that morning, warning her about 'that Murdock boy' and telling her how it was best for Y/N to be separated from him 'before he gets her into trouble'. "I don't think your aunt would go for that."
"Then can we run away together instead? We could travel the world, just you and me on the epic best friend adventure that we've always dreamed of."
God, Matt wanted to say yes. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Y/N by his side, be it as his best friend or -- as he knew deep down in his heart -- something more.
However, Sister Bernadette had been right. Y/N really was an angel sent from on high who deserved all of the goodness in the world, and Matt… Well, Murdock boys had the devil in them.
He shook his head sadly. "Your aunt's waiting. You should go."
Y/N was quiet for a few moments. Finally, she said, "Before I go… I got you something."
She took Matt's hand and dropped a thin, wiry chain into his palm. "I saved up for six months to buy it from the church's gift shop. I was going to give it to you for your birthday, but…" She trailed off. "Anyway, think of me when you wear it, okay?"
Matt picked it up with his other hand. Attached to the chain was a small cross.
He nodded. "I will. Thanks."
"I'll write to you, give you my aunt's address." Y/N pulled him into a tight hug then gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I'll miss you, Matty."
"I'll miss you too. Goodbye, angel."
Matt waited as half of his heart climbed into a cab and left, the note he had written to her the previous night still in his pocket.
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
Matt mentally shook his head. Don't get your hopes up. It may not be her.
…But deep down he knew it had to be.
He stopped someone who was walking by. "Excuse me, can you tell me if the representative from the Heiskell Library is here yet?"
"Umm…" the woman paused as she turned towards the exhibitor tables. "Yeah, actually, it looks like she's talking with Dr. Bowman at the moment."
"Okay, thank you."
"No problem."
As the woman walked away, Matt turned his head so he could listen in on the conversation.
"...So glad you could be here," Dr. Bowman was saying. "We really appreciate you taking time to come out and speak with our students and their parents."
"It's no problem, Dr. Bowman," the other voice replied. "I'm always happy to promote the library's services."
Matt sucked in a breath. It *is* her.
Even after all the years that had passed since he had last spent time with Y/N he had never forgotten the sound of her voice, the times he had sat listening to her read to him still among his favorite memories.
Y/N and Dr. Bowman were wrapping up their conversation, so Matt stood and headed over towards them.
Either Y/N didn't notice that Matt was behind her or Matt had misjudged the distance between them, but Y/N turned around and bumped into him.
"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry, sir, I--" Y/N gasped. "Wait, Matty?"
"It's just 'Matt' now, but yeah. Hi, angel." Matt was surprised at how easily his old nickname for Y/N slipped from his lips.
"Oh my God, hi!" Y/N wrapped her arms around him in a hug. "How are you? What are you doing here? Are you a teacher?"
Matt chuckled as he returned her embrace. "I'm well. I don't teach here, I'm actually one of the featured speakers."
"Oh, wow, that's wonderful."
"What about you? How have you been?"
"I'm well too, yeah. Oh my God, this is so crazy. Are you still in New York?"
Matt nodded. "Yeah, still in Hell's Kitchen. You know me, I'm loyal to my city. What about you?"
"Yeah, Florida was okay, but New York is home. I'm actually in Midtown West now, so I'm not far." Y/N paused. "Hey, would you want to maybe grab dinner or a drink or something after this is done, and I dunno, like, catch up? It's totally fine if you can't, I just thought maybe --"
Matt quickly shook his head. "No, no, yeah, I'd love to."
"Great! I'll have to run back by the library to drop all of my stuff off but I can meet you wherever after that."
Matt thought for a moment. "You still like Italian?"
Y/N let out a light laugh. "Of course."
"Then how about Bellissima Italia, over on 9th and 44th? That's near there, right?"
"Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great."
"Will 6:00 work for you? I'll make a reservation."
"That would be perfect. Here, let me give you my number in case something unexpected comes up. It probably won't, but then again, this is New York -- you never know what kind of craziness is going to happen next."
Matt chuckled and pulled his phone out of his pocket. "That's very true."
He created a new contact and typed in Y/N's name, then added her number once Y/N recited it to him.
He hit the button to call her, hanging up after Y/N's phone began to buzz in her pocket. "There, now you have mine."
"Awesome. I have to get to my table, but I'll see you tonight?"
Matt nodded as the doors opened and people began to trickle in. "Yeah, definitely. See you tonight, Y/N."
"Bye, Matt."
Wow, what are the odds? Matt thought as Y/N walked back over to her table.
He pulled his phone back out and headed back into the hallway to make their reservation, then called Foggy.
"Yo, Matt, what's up?" Foggy said in greeting.
"Hey, Foggy, do you remember me telling you about Y/N back when we were in college?"
"Y/N, as in Y/N, your childhood friend from the orphanage who you talked about non-stop and are still hung up on 16 years later Y/N? 'The one that got away' Y/N? That Y/N?"
Matt chuckled. "Yeah, that Y/N. Well, I actually just ran into her. It turns out she's a librarian at the Heiskell Library and is here promoting their library services, so we made plans to have dinner and catch up after this is over."
"Oh, wow, that's actually really awesome, dude. You said she works at the Heiskell Library?"
Matt could hear Foggy sit down at his desk and start typing on his computer keyboard. "Yeah."
After a moment, Foggy said, "Damn it."
"What is it?"
"I knew she was gonna be hot!"
Matt huffed out a laugh. "Did you seriously just Google her?"
"I wanted to see what she looks like! You're a hot woman magnet, so of course your old childhood friend is hot. Is she single? Because if you change your mind about her…"
Matt just chuckled. "Not gonna happen. If I even remotely still have a shot with Y/N, I'm taking it."
"Eh, I was just kidding anyway. Good luck tonight, man. Hope she's everything you remember her being and more."
"Thanks, Fog. I'll talk to you later."
"'Kay. Bye, Matt."
Matt hung up and headed back inside, both excited and nervous to catch up with Y/N later that evening.
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
Matt smoothed down his hair for what seemed like the tenth time as he arrived at the restaurant for his catch-up dinner with Y/N.
He took a deep breath and headed inside.
"Buonasera," the seating host said. "Welcome to Bellissima Italia. How many in your party, sir?"
"Actually, I have a reservation for two at 6, under 'Murdock'," Matt replied.
"Ah, yes, sir. Your companion's already arrived. Right this way."
Matt followed the seating host to where Y/N sat.
"Matt, you made it," Y/N said, standing and giving Matt a hug.
She had changed from the blouse and slacks she had worn earlier into a silk dress that hugged her form, and underneath the subtly floral perfume she wore was her familiar natural scent that had never failed to relax Matt when he was overwhelmed. Even now he could feel his nervous energy starting to calm.
He returned her embrace. "Hi."
"Joseph will be your server tonight," the host said as they sat. "If you need anything let us know."
"Thank you."
Matt folded up his cane and stuck it in his jacket pocket. "I hope you haven't had to wait long."
"No, I just got here a few minutes ago."
Their server walked up to their table. "Good evening, my name is Joseph and I'll be taking care of you. What can I get you to drink?"
"Can I get a glass of Pinot Grigio and a water?" Y/N said.
"Certainly, ma'am. And for you, sir?"
"I'll take a glass of Merlot and a water as well, thanks."
"Okay, certainly. I'll get that taken care of for you while you get a chance to look over the menu."
"Do you know what you want, or do you want me to read the menu to you?" Y/N asked as Joseph left.
"Actually if you don't mind telling me what's on the menu I'd really appreciate it," Matt replied. "I didn't get a chance to check it out before I came."
"No, it's not a problem at all." Y/N picked up her menu. "Let's see…"
Matt listened intently as Y/N quickly read the menu off to him. He nodded. "Okay, thanks. I think I know what I want."
A few moments later Joseph returned with their drinks. "Okay, here you are. And are we ready to order?"
Matt nodded. "I'm ready. Y/N, you want to go ahead?"
"Yes, I'd like the gnocchi in cream sauce, please," Y/N said.
"Okay, and for you, sir?"
"I'll take the chicken parmigiana, thanks." Matt picked up his menu and handed it to Joseph.
"Okay, I'll put those in for you right away."
"Wow, I still can't believe this," Y/N said as Joseph left once again. "It's been, what, almost 20 years?"
Matt nodded with a grin. "Yeah, something like that. And even after all this time, you still look exactly the same."
Y/N laughed. "I'm glad to know that you haven't lost your sense of humor."
She took a sip of water. "So, catch me up on the past 20 years."
Matt shrugged. "Not much to tell. Left St. Agnes at 18, went to Columbia and got a law degree, opened my own practice with my college roommate, and that's about it." Except for the fact that I also became a crime-fighting vigilante, sent a mob boss to jail, and took down a secret organization of ninjas.
"Not married, no kids?"
Matt shook his head. "No, never found the right person." Because I already had found her but was too much of a coward to tell her how I felt before she left. "What about you? What have you been up to?"
"Finished high school in Florida, got my bachelor's degree in sociology, did my MLIS, and became a librarian. Did five years as a special services librarian in Florida, two in Indiana, then I managed to get on with the Heiskell Library and have been there ever since."
"No marriage or kids for you either?"
"No kids, almost got married once but it didn't work out. Wasn't anyone's fault, we just weren't right for each other."
Matt nodded. "How's your aunt?"
"Oh, she's fine. She's still in Florida so I talk to her every few days. Wait till I tell her I ran into you."
Matt gave a wry smile. "I dunno if she'll be happy about that. She didn't like me."
"What do you mean she didn't like you? She didn't even know you."
"She didn't have to. She had heard enough about me from Sister Bernadette to form an opinion."
"Ugh. Sister Bernadette. She did always seem to have it out for you."
Matt shrugged. "Well, in all fairness, I was kind of a troublemaker."
Y//N laughed. "Yeah, but I was usually right there with you in whatever trouble you were making, if not starting the trouble myself."
Matt grinned and took a sip of his wine. "You mean like the time we stole that bottle of Communion wine out of the church storeroom?"
Y/N laughed. "You know, that was the first thing I mentioned during confession after I started going to church in Florida. Seal of Confession or not, I wasn't about to confess to Father Reynolds about it."
Matt grinned. "Afraid of a harsher penance?"
"Yes! It was bad enough having to say five Acts of Contrition and three Our Fathers that time I punched Bobby Neyland in the face for tripping you in the hall. I had already gotten detention and I had to apologize to him, what more did they want?"
They were interrupted by Joseph bringing their dinners. "Alrighty, we have the gnocchi over here, and the chicken parmigiana here. Careful, those plates are hot. Is there anything else I can get you two?"
"No, I think we're fine," Y/N replied. "Matt?"
Matt shook his head. "We're good for now."
"Okay, let me know if you need anything else."
"Will do."
"Anyway," Y/N said, "we weren't always getting into trouble. Most of the time we were perfect little angels."
Matt chuckled. "I think your memory is faulty. You may have been an angel, but I certainly wasn't."
"We did have some good times together though, didn't we, Matty?"
Matt nodded, the quiet times he got to spend with Y/N floating through his mind. "Yeah, we certainly did."
The conversation continued to flow easily as Matt and Y/N reminisced about their childhood, and the next thing Matt knew dinner was over.
"Will that be one check or two?" Joseph asked as he cleared their plates.
"Just the one check, thanks," Matt said, handing Joseph his credit card before Y/N could protest.
"Next time, I'm paying," Y/N replied as Joseph went to go take care of the bill.
Matt grinned, thrilled that Y/N had even mentioned a 'next time'. "Deal."
He signed the check once Joseph returned for the last time, then unfolded his cane as he and Y/N stood. "May I walk you home?"
He could almost hear the smile in Y/N's voice as she replied. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that."
Matt extended his arm. "Then shall we?"
They left the restaurant together, the ease and familiarity they once shared still there.
"So, what made you decide to become a librarian?" Matt asked as they headed towards Y/N's apartment building. "Last I knew you wanted to go out and save the world by becoming a big-time CEO of a Fortune 500 company."
Y/N huffed out a laugh. "Um, well, actually, it was you."
Matt's eyebrows raised. "Me?"
"Yeah. When it was time to start thinking about college I spoke to my guidance counselor and told her about how my best friend was visually impaired and how I'd sit and read print books to him because there weren't any Braille or audiobooks in the orphanage where we grew up, and so she told me about how there were actually special library services for people with visual impairments and that maybe I should look into special services librarianship since I seemed called to that."
"And do you like it?"
"Yeah, more than anything. Like a lot of people might think that being a librarian is boring or an obsolete job, but you should talk to some of my patrons, Matt. They're all alone with no family or friends nearby, so listening to these audiobooks are the only things that they have to do all day. It's actually kind of heartbreaking."
Matt nodded with a soft smile. Y/N really was an angel.
"And I know I'm not like, saving lives or changing the world or anything," Y/N continued, "like by being a doctor or by helping innocent people who've been wrongfully accused of crimes like you and your partner, but I feel like I'm at least helping people in my own way, you know?"
Matt turned towards Y/N as they stopped at a crosswalk. "You think you haven't saved lives? 'Angel' wasn't just a nickname, sweetheart. You befriended a lonely, scared, angry little boy with absolutely zero fucks given as to what anyone else thought, and to this day I'm still so damn grateful for whatever made you see me and decide, 'Yes, that one. I want him as my best friend'."
Y/N let out a watery laugh. "Honestly, it wasn't a tough decision. I knew from the moment I saw you that you were going to be way cooler than everyone else."
Matt smiled softly. "You were my guardian angel, Y/N. I certainly wouldn't have made it without you."
He reached up and gently swiped his thumbs under her eyes, wiping away the tears that had collected there. "You okay?"
Y/N nodded. "Yeah."
Matt slipped his hand into Y/N's and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
They continued on their way to Y/N's apartment, Y/N seemingly as reluctant to let go of Matt's hand as he was to let go of hers.
"What about you?" Y/N asked. "What drew you to law?"
"I want to fight injustice and keep Hell's Kitchen safe, protect the people I care about," Matt said simply. "Going through the legal system seemed the best way to do that at the time."
"And now?"
"What?"
"You said 'at the time'. What's the best way now?"
Being Daredevil, Matt wanted to say. Protecting those I can't protect through the law.
He shook his head. "I just know that everything's not as black-and-white with the legal system as I once thought."
"Yeah, I get that." Y/N slowed down as they reached her apartment building. "This is me."
Matt nodded. "I'm really glad we found each other again."
"I am too -- I've missed you so much, Matt. I tried to write to you after I moved but all of my letters came back 'return to sender'. Eventually I realized that they were returning my letters, but by that time it was too late, and it's not like I could just call up Sister Bernadette and ask for your forwarding address."
Matt shook his head. "I knew it. I knew something weird was going on. I could tell she was lying whenever I asked her if I had any mail from you."
"I still have them."
"The letters you wrote me?"
"Yeah, they're in a box in my closet."
"Can I read them?"
"Yeah, sure. You want me to go get them or do you want to come up for a drink and we can read them together?"
Matt nodded. "A drink would be nice." More time I can spend with you.
"Okay, then. Come on in."
Y/N led Matt through the lobby to the elevator and up to her apartment. "Make yourself at home," she said as she unlocked her door. "Living room is straight ahead, just mind the coffee table when you go around the couch to sit."
Matt sat while Y/N moved around her kitchen. "What's your preference?" Y/N asked. "I have wine, hard cider, amaretto, whiskey, rum…"
"Whiskey is fine. On the rocks."
He could hear Y/N adding ice to a couple of glasses then opening a couple of bottles, then smelled the scent of sweet & sour mix. "Let me guess. Amaretto sour for yourself?"
Y/N paused in her pouring. "How'd you know?"
"I can hear the difference in the shape of the bottles, and I can smell the sweet & sour."
"You're good." Y/N closed the bottles and put the sweet & sour mix back in her refrigerator.
She handed Matt his glass before setting hers down on the coffee table. "Here you go. Give me just a second, I'll go grab the letters."
Matt took a sip of his whiskey as Y/N retreated to her bedroom.
She returned momentarily with a box. "Ok so remember, I was 16 when I started writing these, so don't judge me if they're cringy."
Matt chuckled. "I won't, I promise."
Y/N opened the box and handed him a manila envelope. "Here, start with this one. I'm pretty sure they're still in the order I wrote them."
Matt opened the envelope and pulled out a piece of Braille paper. "Can you still read Braille?" he asked.
"Yep, can still write in it too, although Braille printers make everything a lot easier these days."
Matt set the piece of paper on the coffee table and began to read aloud.
"September 30, 2002
Dear Matty,
Just got settled in at Aunt Ruth's house. My bedroom here is as big as both of ours at St. Agnes combined.
Hoping I can convince Aunt Ruth to let you come visit soon, maybe during Thanksgiving?
By the way, my address is 4685 Sandpiper Blvd., Miami, FL 33190.
Hope to hear from you soon,
Y/N"
Y/N snorted. "Yeah, 'I'm sure you'll be able to get away from the orphanage for a week or so to come hang out with your bestie in Florida!' Man, was I naive."
Matt shook his head. "You didn't know. Neither of us could've known that they'd actually try to keep us apart."
Y/N picked up the next envelope. "Here, I'll read the next one."
Matt nodded. "Okay."
"October 21, 2002," Y/N began.
Dear Matty,
I must've done something wrong with the postage on my first letter, because it came back marked return to sender. Adding double to make sure this gets to you.
Aunt Ruth wants me to join some after-school clubs, make some new friends. I don't want *new* friends, though. I just want you.
Speaking of making new friends, you know that song 'make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold'? Well, it's not true. You're way more precious to me than gold. You're more like… I don't know, the rarest and most precious substance on earth, whatever that may be.
Anyway, address is 4685 Sandpiper Blvd., Miami, FL 33190. Write me back!
Always,
Y/N"
Matt picked up the next envelope. "November 12, 2002.
Dear Matty,
Another letter came back return to sender. Don't quite know what I'm doing wrong, but hopefully this one reaches you!
School has been okay. Don't think I told you yet, but Aunt Ruth enrolled me in some fancy all-girls Catholic school. I'm really enjoying English class. We're reading The Crucible. Maybe next time we're together I'll read it to you. Think you'd like it.
Anyway, hope you're doing okay. I miss you.
Always,
Y/N"
Y/N laughed. "You know, my offer to read The Crucible to you still stands."
Matt grinned. "In that case I might have to take you up on it. You're still my favorite audiobook narrator."
He could hear the smile in Y/N's voice as she began to read her next letter.
"January 10th, 2003.
Dear Matty (or is it just Matt now that you're the big 1-8?),
Happy birthday! I wish I could be there with you to celebrate. I wanted to surprise you and come visit, but Aunt Ruth said no. (Party pooper.)
I hope your day is amazing and that you get everything you wish for, because you deserve it! *Heart*
Miss you like crazy and I really hope to hear from you soon!
Always,
Y/N"
Matt shrugged. "My 18th birthday was fine, nothing overly special." I didn't get my wish, but now I know why.
He cleared his throat. "April 6, 2003.
Dear Matt,
I don't know if I did something wrong before I left and you're mad at me or if I'm just that inept at mailing a letter, but I just got a bunch of letters back unopened again. I really hope it's the latter because if it's the first, I don't know what I did but whatever it is, I'm sorry. Just please talk to me. I want my best friend back.
Y/N"
Matt's heart broke. Damn them. Damn them all to Hell for making Y/N think she could ever do something to make me not want her in my life.
He finished his glass of whiskey before picking up the next letter.
"Want a refill?" Y/N asked.
Matt nodded. "Sure."
Y/N stood and went to make them each another drink while Matt read the next letter aloud.
"September 3, 2003
Dear Matt,
I don't even know why I'm still trying. You're 18 now, I'm sure you're not even at St. Agnes anymore. You're probably off to college and have made fancy new college friends, so even if this letter somehow reached you you probably wouldn't respond anyway, but I wanted to tell you goodbye anyway and to wish you good luck.
Y/N"
Matt's brow furrowed. "But there's more letters."
"Yeah." Y/N sounded hesitant as she set Matt's drink down on the table. "I never sent any of the rest though."
She picked up the next one. "December 9, 2003.
Dear Matt,
I'm sitting here in English class (well, not now since I'm writing this in Braille instead of standard print) and our bell assignment today was to write a letter to someone who is no longer in our lives. I'm sure the point is probably to write to someone who's dead, but whatever, I'll write to whomever the hell I want.
Aunt Ruth finally told me the truth: that St. Agnes had been returning your letters to me before you even got them. Needless to say, I'm furious. I don't understand why they would go to such lengths to keep us apart, or why Aunt Ruth would even agree to it.
I hope you don't think I never tried to get in touch with you, because the thought of you believing that I would just abandon you like that tears me up inside.
I miss you, Matt, and I hope you're doing well.
Y/N"
Matt shook his head. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Y/N. I hate that you ever even had to think that I would ignore your letters."
Y/N reached over and gave his hand a squeeze. "It wasn't your fault."
They continued reading, Y/N telling him about getting into college, the classes she was taking each semester, graduation, getting into grad school and getting her library science degree, her first job as an official librarian…
Y/N took a sip of her cocktail before starting the next letter.
"March 8, 2012
Dear Matt,
I've met someone . His name is Alex and he works in the I.T. department of the library. I think you two would get along -- you're a lot alike.
We've been dating for a few months now and things are going pretty well. I'll keep you posted as to where things lead.
Y/N"
Matt picked up the second-to-last letter.
"January 13, 2013
Dear Matt,
Alex proposed, and I said yes. We're planning a fall wedding -- nothing big, just close family and friends.
I wish you could be there. I thought about asking Alex if he could look you up on the internet to see if he could find an address for you. Could you imagine? We haven't been in contact in over 10 years and suddenly you get an invitation to my wedding.
Crazy, right?
Y/N"
Even though Matt knew that things didn't work out between Y/N and her ex-fiancé, his stomach was still in knots as Y/N began to read her final letter.
"June 29, 2013
Dear Matt,
I ended my engagement with Alex today. We were touring wedding venues over the weekend but none of them felt right, and I realized this morning that it wasn't the venues that felt wrong, it was me.
You see, I can't marry Alex, not when-- " Y/N paused and took a deep breath. "Not when I've been in love with you for most of my life."
Matt's brain screeched to a halt. What did she just say?
"God, I'm so pathetic," Y/N continued, "pining over someone to whom I haven't even spoken in years. It's not fair to Alex to marry someone who's in love with another man and it's not fair to myself to keep holding on to something that I can never have.
I guess I've kept writing to you in order to somehow hold on to you and to feel like we were still teenagers writing secret notes to each other, like maybe one day I'd have the courage to finally tell you how I feel.
I'll always love you, Matt, but maybe it's time for me to finally let you go.
Y/N"
Matt turned towards Y/N, who had picked up her drink and was currently draining it. "You were in love with me?"
Y/N remained silent, but the uptick in her heartbeat gave Matt hope.
He took her glass from her and set it down on the table before taking her hand in his. "Y/N? Please, angel, talk to me."
Y/N took a deep breath. "I still am, Matt. I still love you. I never stopped."
Oh, thank God. "I love you too," Matt murmured. "I've loved you probably since the moment I met you, it just took me a few years to figure out what it was I was feeling."
He pulled out the cross Y/N had given him out from under his shirt. "I've always kept you close to my heart, Y/N."
Y/N reached out and placed her hand on his chest, warming the metal cross pressing against Matt's shirt. "I was wondering if you still had that."
Matt nodded. "I've rarely taken it off in the past 20 years."
He paused. "I was going to tell you I loved you the day you left for Florida. I had written you a note telling you how I felt."
"Why didn't you give it to me?"
"Right before I was going to I overheard Sister Bernadette talking to your aunt about how it was best to separate us so I wouldn't ruin your life, and I realized it definitely wasn't fair for me to tell you I loved you right before you moved a thousand miles away."
"What the hell? How would you have ruined my life?"
Matt huffed out a laugh. "Well, let's see, the exact phrasing she used was 'before he gets her into trouble'."
"Before you 'got me into trouble'? Wait, did she -- did she think we were sleeping together ?" Y/N sounded both horrified and amused.
Matt shrugged. "Well, she wouldn't have technically been wrong."
"Well no, but all we ever did was literally sleep together!"
"Maybe, but it's not like I never thought about doing the other kind of sleeping together with you."
Y/N gave a playfully scandalized gasp. "Why, Matthew, I certainly hope you went to confession for that."
"More than once." Matt chuckled. "I mean, I was a hormonal teenage boy who was hopelessly in love with my best friend, of course my thoughts drifted there from time to time."
Y/N was quiet for a moment. "I wonder if maybe someone saw you sneaking out of my room one morning and reported us, and that's why Sister Bernadette thought something was going on. She could've confronted us though instead of just shipping me off and keeping us apart for almost 20 years. So much wasted time, and over what was probably a complete misunderstanding."
Matt shook his head. "Angel?"
"Yeah, Matty?"
"I'm going to kiss you now."
Y/N sucked in a breath. "Uh huh, yeah, okay."
Matt reached out and cupped her cheek in his hand, then -- after over 20 years of longing -- gently pressed his lips to hers.
He leaned back, a smile spreading on his face as he caressed the matching smile on Y/N's with his thumb. "So, how about dinner again tomorrow night?"
Y/N hummed. "What, you don't want to lose touch for another 20 years and hope we randomly run into each other again?"
Matt shook his head with a laugh at Y/N's teasing tone. "No way, angel. I spent almost 20 years without you, so now that I've got you back in my life I'm not letting go."
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