#f*cked T again tonight

[eversncenewyork]

—

[yourreddancer]

HEATHER COX RICHARDSON

July 15, 2022 (Friday)

A late news dump tonight: the House Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack on the U.S. Capitol has subpoenaed from the U.S. Secret Service (USSS) the text messages between agents on January 5 and January 6, 2021, that it learned Wednesday had been deleted. 

Chair Bennie Thompson (D-MS) told Secret Service director James Murray, who recently announced his upcoming resignation, that the committee wants all the texts by July 19, 2022.

Politico legal affairs reporter Kyle Cheney noted that this is the first time the committee has subpoenaed an agency in the executive branch, at least publicly.That joins other legal news today. 

Trump confidant Steve Bannon tried again today to get his trial for contempt of Congress dismissed, arguing that because the court has refused to let him subpoena members of Congress, he cannot have a fair trial. That trial is due to start Monday.

Fani Willis, the Fulton County, Georgia, prosecutor, today told the chair of the Georgia Republican Party, David Shafer, as well as two state senators, that they could be indicted for their participation in the attempt to overthrow the results of the 2020 election in Georgia.

And the Department of Justice requested that the first defendant from the January 6 insurrection to be convicted at trial, Guy Reffitt, be sentenced to 15 years in prison. This is an upward adjustment of sentencing guidelines because the department is asking the judge to consider Reffitt’s actions as terrorism, since the offense for which he was convicted “was calculated to influence or affect the conduct of government by intimidation or coercion, or to retaliate against government conduct.” 

Reffitt was a leader of the Texas Three Percenters militia gang, which calls for “rebellion” against the federal government. He came to Washington, D.C., for January 6. He attacked U.S. Capitol Police officers and encouraged others to do so before entering the Capitol armed with a handgun, where he targeted House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and then–Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). 

A camera on his helmet recorded Reffitt’s words that day. “I’m taking the Capitol with everybody f*cking else,” Reffitt told the people around him. “We’re all going to drag them m*therf*ckers out kicking and screaming. I don’t give a sh*t. I just want to see Pelosi’s head hit every f*cking stair on the way out. (Inaudible) F*ck yeah. And Mitch McConnell too. F*ck ‘em all. They f*cked us too many g*dd*mn years for too f*cking long. It’s time to take our country back. I think everybody’s on the same d*mn wavelength. And I think we have the numbers to make it happen…. [W]e’ve got a f*cking president. We don’t need much more. We just get rid of them m*therf*ckers and start over.”

Afterward, he boasted, “We took the Capital [sic] of the United States of America and we will do it again.” Back in Texas, Reffitt deleted a thread of messages between him and another planner—the FBI was able to recover it—and threatened to hurt his teenaged children if they reported him. Reffitt has a history of domestic violence, including threatening his wife with a gun.

  The hefty sentence request for Reffitt is likely to convince others implicated in the insurrection to cooperate.The timing of today’s legal news highlights that the prosecution of those who tried to destroy our government is imperative to uphold the rule of law.

On this date in 1870, Congress voted to readmit Georgia to the United States after the Civil War. So far as the people living through that era thought, this ended Reconstruction, which they conceived of as the reconstruction of the U.S. government. And that was it. 

While there were military tribunals for those who had committed war crimes– most of them concerning the treatment of prisoners of war—there was never a legal reckoning for even the leaders of those who had tried to destroy the nation, although their efforts had led to the deaths of 620,000 soldiers and sailors and cost the country more than $5 billion. 

In an attempt to be magnanimous, U.S. officials gave former Confederates no reason to abandon their loyalty to their failed nation. They clung to it through Lost Cause mythology, convincing themselves that theirs was the true version of America despite their defeat, and that their cause was noble. Georgia’s return to the Union depended on the state’s ratification of the Fifteenth Amendment to the Constitution guaranteeing Black men the right to vote, but within a year of Georgia’s readmission, white southerners were already undermining Black voting. Within a decade, they had regained control of their states and were pushing their Black neighbors into second-class citizenship.

Without any cost for adherence to the Lost Cause, there was no reason for Confederate symbols to disappear. They have continued to play an astonishingly large role in our society, and not just in the South. They have inspired those eager to dismantle the government ever since the Civil War. They have made a spectacular comeback since the 1980s until finally, on January 6, 2021, the Confederate battle flag flew in the U.S. Capitol.

This time, though, there is a chance to change the story. Prosecutions have January 6 participants like Reffitt trying to hide their actions, and jail time will almost certainly dampen the enthusiasm of those who were happy to be part of an insurrection until they discovered there was a legal cost. While U.S. leaders after the Civil War thought their best hope of building a nation based on racial equality was to avoid prosecutions, scholars who study the restoration of democracy after an authoritarian crisis are very clear: central to any such restoration is enforcing the rule of law.

[gxrlcinema]

welcome!

i'm ilana, and this is the greatest show you're ever gonna see! tonight, we celebrate 300 followers with a special performance. look out for fluff, angst, and everything in between. relax and enjoy your night at the theatre (and if you're brave, join the cast and step into the spotlight yourself).

i'm so excited to see the show you all put on! thank you so much again for the amazing experience i've had on tumblr in the last half year. break a leg! ❤️

CURTAIN: SEPTEMBER 01, 2021

to clarify, this is when you can start posting fics, not when you can start signing up for them! you can sign up for them at any point before final bows!

FINAL BOWS: NOVEMBER 30, 2021

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:

there's no word limit, but any fic over 500 words needs to have a "keep reading" feature

please warn for potential triggers or content

tag me in your fic, and tag the work with either #ip theater challenge or #ilanas writing challenge

refrain from writing about underage characters doing 18+ activites, incest, assault, and sc*t. if your blog is 18+ a note will be made on the masterlist, regardless of the individual fic's content.

writers who don't follow this blog are not only welcome, but encouraged! i just want some musical inspired fic content and to have fun. if you'd like to participate you're welcome to!

choose a character or fandom and a prompt and message me that you're doing it. there's no limit on characters or prompts, but I'll keep track of who's doing what here. if you're interested in a musical theatre song that's not on the list, just message me and tell me you're doing it!

reader insert fics, ship fics, and gen fics are welcome!

i'll be making a masterlist for the challenge and updating it every time a fic is posted.

have fun with this! I'm a musical nerd and wanted to incorporate that passion with the fandom side of things!

CAST:

you can write about any character from the marvel cinematic universe, the vampire diaries, the originals, or teen wolf

NUMBERS:

I want people to take inspiration from one of these songs, but it doesn't have to be from the specific lyric I list here. I just wanted to give a little taste of the songs for those who aren't super familiar with musical theatre. Please listen to the song before you commit for context!

FIRST DATE, LAST NIGHT - DOGFIGHT. "meet me halfway / a touch and go of don't know what to say" [ @intrepidacious for Bucky Barnes]

ALL I'VE EVER KNOWN - HADESTOWN. "all i've ever known is how to hold my own / but now i wanna hold you" [me for Steve Rogers]

NO ONE ELSE - NATASHA, PIERRE AND THE GREAT COMET OF 1812. "maybe he'll come today, maybe he came already / and he's sitting in the drawing room / and I simply forgot."

WICKED LITTLE TOWN - HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH. "and if you've got no other choice, just know you can follow my voice / through the dark turns and noise of this wicked little town" [@pietrothepoltergeist for Damon Salvatore x Enzo St.John]

OMAR SHARIF - THE BAND'S VISIT. "from the west, from the south / honey in my ear, spice in my mouth"

STAY - AMELIE: THE MUSICAL. "stay where you are / don't come too close and don't go too far" [@ambrosiase for Bucky Barnes]

HOW 'BOUT A DANCE - BONNIE & CLYDE: THE MUSICAL. "you'll lose the blues and you may lose your heart" [@lady-salvatore for Bucky Barnes]

I NEVER PLANNED ON YOU - NEWSIES. "i got no use for moonlight or sappy poetry / love at first sight's for suckers, at least it used to be" [ @hellotvshowtrash for Sam Wilson]

TOTALLY F*CKED - SPRING AWAKENING. "but the thing that makes you really jump / is that the weirdest shit is still to come"

MEMORY SONG - A STRANGE LOOP. "these are my memories, these are my memories"

WHAT IS THIS FEELING - WICKED. "loathing / unadulterated loathing"

A LITTLE FALL OF RAIN - LES MISERABLES. "a little fall of rain can hardly hurt me now / you're here, that's all I need to know" [@divine-mistake for Natasha Romanoff]

CHIP ON MY SHOULDER - LEGALLY BLONDE. "with the chance I've been given I'm gonna be driven as hell" [@loving-bucky-is-easier for Bucky Barnes]

IF YOU WERE GAY - AVENUE Q. "if you were gay / that'd be okay" [@romancherry for undecided]

PULLED - THE ADDAMS FAMILY. "i'm being pulled in a new direction / and i think i like it"

FALLING SLOWLY - ONCE THE MUSICAL. "i don't know you but i want to all the more for that" [@babycap for Steve Rogers]

TEN MINUTES AGO - ROGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN'S CINDERELLA. "i have found her she's an angel / with the dust of the stars in her eyes" [@auroracalisto for Steve Rogers]

THE NEXT TEN MINUTES - THE LAST FIVE YEARS. "will you share your life with me? / for the next ten minutes" [@yelenabelovq for Carol Danvers]

NO ONE IS ALONE - INTO THE WOODS. "someone is on your side / someone else is not." [@thesewordsareallihavetogive for undecided]

WITH YOU - GHOST THE MUSICAL. "you took my days with you / took my nights with you" [@elijahs-wife for undecided]

SHE USED TO BE MINE - WAITRESS. "she's imperfect but she tries / she is good but she lies" [ @brown-eyed-babes for Elijah Mikaelson]

LIFE BOAT - HEATHERS: THE MUSICAL. "if i say the wrong thing or i wear the wrong outfit / they'll throw me right over the side"

QUIET - MATILDA THE MUSICAL. "quiet like silence but not really silent / just that still sort of quiet"

NOEL'S LAMENT - RIDE THE CYCLONE. "i sing songs until the break of dawn / i embrace a new man every night"

DANCING QUEEN - MAMMA MIA. "see that girl, watch that scene / digging the dancing queen" [@mrs-maximoff-kenner for Lizzie Saltzman]

tagging some mutuals who seem like they've got a song in their heart:

@blueberrybelova, @buckyshairography, @golden-bucky, @mickey-henry, @ritesofreverie, @alittlebitofwords, @imgoingtofreakoutnow, @belladonnabarnes, @babycap, @brown-eyed-babes, @roger-that-cap, @tripleyeeet, @divine-mistake, @jamesqueerpotter, @auroracalisto, @thesewordsareallihavetogive, @dumble-daddy, @dizzydancingdreamer, @hellotvshowtrash, @lady-salvatore, @elijahs-wife, @mikaelsonsdeservedbetter

[tulsa-trash]

The Sixth and Final Straw

Dallas x Sylvia Imagine

WARNING(S): Swearing, brief mentions of violence and s*xual content.

Sylvia stood outside the police station with her arms crossed, her lips pulled into a tight frown as she waited for her boyfriend to be released. Dallas Winston getting sent to the cooler wasn’t out of the ordinary, but it still didn't stop her from getting worked up every time. Sylvia had been counting, this was the sixth time he had been sent away while they were together.

She spent most nights up, crying her eyes out and screaming into her pillow. Always worrying if he was safe and not stabbed in a cell. Everyone constantly asking her ‘How’s Dally? How much time he get? What'd he do this time?’ While all the other girls with boyfriends were out having fun, Sylvia was always waiting for him to get out of jail or any other trouble he was in. Tonight was the last time, the final straw.

She was done.

Dallas came sauntering out of the front doors, a cop escorted him down the steps to the sidewalk where Sylvia stood. He sent her that signature devious smirk, but this time he was impressing nobody.

“Y'all have a good night.” The cop grumbled before making his way back into the station.

The pair stared each other down, not a word was spoken until the doors slammed closed indicating the pig was gone.

Dally sighed deeply, “What’s with the face?”

She stayed silent, jaw clenching as she did everything in her will power not to slap him right across the face.

“Oh gee, what did I do now?” He rolled his eyes, “Got any cancer sticks?”

“No.” She spat, “I don’t have any.”

Dal’s thick eyebrows pulled together as he looked down at her. He was annoyed, five months without seeing or even talking to his girl yet somehow she found a reason to be mad at him.

“What’s the matter, doll? You not happy to see me or sum?” He asked.

“Don’t you 'doll’ me, Dallas.”

He raised an eyebrow at her and chuckled dryly, that only fueled her anger. He found the situation humorous. How was it funny? She didn’t have a clue. But she did know he was one cocky son of a b*tch, and nothing with Dallas was ever easy.

“Syl, I really am not in the mood to fight with you right now. Especially when I just got out of jail five seconds ago.” He said with a bored tone.

“Do you know what time it is?”

“Wha–”

“I said do you know what time it is?” She cut him off.

“No, Sylvia. What time is it?” Dallas’ voice became hard, his patience was running very thin.

“It is four in the mornin’. Four o’ clock in the mornin’, and what am I doin’ up this f*ckin’ early? Hm?”

He didn’t respond, instead he began to slowly walk down the sidewalk and away from the station. He knew a fight was coming and there was no avoiding it, and for the first time ever he didn’t want to get in trouble… again.

“Don’t you dare walk away from me, hood.” She growled.

Sylvia quickly walked over and stopped in front of his path, there was no way he was escaping what was coming.

“Hood?” Dallas snickered, “That’s cute.”

“It is four in the mornin’.” She repeated. “I got up and walked over to the police station, by myself may I add, for the sixth time since I’ve been with you.”

Dallas shrugged, “So?”

“So?” She breathed out. “T-That’s normal? You think that’s fine? To go in and out of jail constantly while your girlfriend is worried sick about you?”

“Don’t start with me.”

He went to walk around her, but she slammed her hands on his chest and pushed him back.

Dallas shot her a deadly look, “I ain’t your punchin’ bag, kid.”

“Do you even care? Be honest with me Winston is there any tiny part of you that cares the slightest bit about me, and how I feel whenever you’re gone?”

Sylvia mentally cursed at herself as she heard her voice break. She didn’t plan for it to go this way, her breaking down in front of him. This time she wanted it to be different, she wanted to be strong.

“How you feel?” He scoffed. “From what I hear you’ve been havin’ a blast while I’m gone.”

“You can’t be serious right no–”

“You got some serious balls coming at me, making me feel like I did something wrong when you’re the one thats been f*ckin’ another guy while I’ve been away.”

She was completely and utterly gobsmacked, how in the world did he find out about that? She watched him with tearful eyes as he bent down so his face was level with hers.

“You should’ve know better… I got eyes and ears all over this town. Did you really think that wasn’t gonna get back to me?”

Dallas didn’t get answer, only a choked sob. She hastily wiped away the tears that were cascading down her cheeks, smearing her make-up in the process.

“Syl, I may not be the best boyfriend in the world…” He leaned in closer and brought his voice to a whisper, “But I never cheated on you.”

He straightened himself up and took a few steps back.

“Yeah, I’m a horrible f*ckin’ human being.” He admitted. “But guess what, baby? You’re just as sh*tty a person as me.”

With that he turned around and walked away, shoving his fists in his jacket pockets. He tried his very best to not belt out any obscenities towards the girl he once thought he knew. Sure, they fought like cats and dogs, but that never changed the fact that he was always loyal to her. He had actually trusted her, and that was one of the biggest mistakes he had ever made.

“I was done waitin’ for you!”

He halted in his tracks as her strangled voice cried out into the atmosphere.

“Dallas I love you, god damnit! But you’ll never love me!”

He shook his head, closing his eyes tightly trying to shut her out as he tried to leave again.

“You kept leavin’! You were always gone and it hurt me so ba–”

“So that means you had to go and f*ck Tim Shepard!?” Dallas roared.

The greaser girl visibly flinched as he whirled around to face her once more, pure disgust was evident in his features. She trembled while wrapping her arms around herself in a lame attempt to pull herself together.

“Dal… I am so sor–”

“F*ck your sorry!”

He stormed right back over to her, she whimpered and turned her head away to avoid his hateful gaze.

“How would you feel if I went and f*cked Angela, huh!? If I went and banged one of your friends how would that make you feel?” He seethed.

“You weren’t there…” She said quietly. “I couldn’t just sit around and wait for you to grow up.”

She reached behind her neck and unclasped Dally’s Christopher that he had given her when they first got together.

“That was silly of me, thinkin’ that maybe someday you’d end up lovin’ me. You don’t know how to love anythin’.”

“Like you do?” Dallas threw his hands up in the air. “'Cause having s*x with one of my friends is an odd way of showin’ it.”

Sylvia shook her head and sniffled, “You’ll never understand.”

She grabbed one of his hands and forced it open, dropping his necklace in his palm.

“Goodbye, Dal.”

[noah-moth-cursed-chaos]

Museums and Abstract Paintings: A quinnby fic, chapter four

Quick disclaimer: Chris’ amnesia is not modeled after any real world type of amnesia, please don’t base any understanding of real world amnesia off of it. Tw for mentions of murder and implied mentions of murder, along with guilt and anxiety.

Trilby didn’t quite know how to take what he’d learned on his mission with Chris. He’d noticed the ministry was always short staffed. He hadn’t before recognized the constant influx of new faces, or how there was usually no explanation to what happened to the old ones. They were all just hear to get tossed into the fire in the fruitless attempt to protect a few civilians. There was a better chance of ending up dead or insane than making it through their job. Why did so many people stay? Did everyone come in the way he did? Wanted by the law and under threat of imprisonment if they didn’t work for the government? He sighed as he got up from his desk, his report wasn’t as detailed as his usual work but it was good enough. Time to turn it in.

Despite the small staff there was no lack of the normal office gossip in the ministry building, usually about the results of another agent’s mission. Trilby overheard a snippet of this as he walked past.

“Yeah, came in covered in blood, again, think most of it was his this time.”

“Good grief, Chris really is trying to cost the carpet cleaners a fortune isn’t he?”

“Is he okay?” Trilby had stopped, glancing at his two coworkers.

“Not sure, he’s in the infirmary. But he’s always bounced back before so I’m sure he’s doin’ fine.” One of them said.

“Starting to doubt he *can* die he’s done this so many times.” The other said.

Trilby changed his route after that, heading up to the floor the infirmary was on, the report could wait.

Chris hated when he had to get stitches. Oh well. He was alive, a bit worse for wear, but alive.

“In no point did it cross your mind to, I dunno, *run*? There’s no shame in not coming in here a bloody mess after every other job, y’know, plenty of agents manage it quite well.” Claire walked in, an expression of concern and exasperation on her face.

“Not demonslayers.” Chris said, “Besides, it’s not *that* bad.” He shrugged.

“You have too much pride in your mission record, you can fail one mission.” She shot at him.

Chris could’ve laughed, he couldn’t give less sh^ts about his mission record, “It isn’t about that. With some of the jobs other people here have, if they slip up someone else comes in and it’s fine, if I slip up people could get hurt, good people.”

“You already saved the world once y’know, it can be someone else’s problem now.” Claire sighed, “... but I guess I get where you’re coming from.”

“Saved the world?” The two turned to the doorway to see Trilby, who looked thoroughly confused with what he just heard.

“Yeah I saved the world from a henweigh.”

“.. a henweigh?” Trilby asked.

“Yeah.”

The thief paused, clearly having expected clarification, “And what’s a henweigh?”

“‘Bout ten pounds.” Chris smirked. Claire chuckled and rolled her eyes.

“You know one day someone’s gonna ask about it who’s already heard that joke.” She pointed out.

“So you didn’t actually save the world?” Trilby asked.

“Who knows.” Chris smirked at the other’s annoyance, “Maybe I did maybe I didn’t.”

“You can just say you don’t want to answer.”

“I know, but it’s funny to watch you get annoyed. I do think I’m gonna leave you in the dark though, mate.”

“Well, at least you’re alive to do that, heard you ruined the carpet coming in.” The ex thief leaned against the wall, Chris couldn’t help but laugh.

Trilby had tried to brush off what he heard in the infirmary, maybe they were just joking around. Really, Chris saving the world? Sounded about as likely as a beaver running for parliament. But he also barely really knew anything about Chris. Just that he took more dangerous assignments and was known for being reckless and unpredictable. But for some reason he couldn’t shake his intrigue. Couldn’t hurt to ask around.

Turns out it couldn’t help either. The answers people had just raised more questions. Chris stopped something horrible, nobody knew what it was or how he did it. Some people even suspected it was just some delusion, seeming as apparently he was supposed to be in a mental hospital during the time.

Trilby guessed he wasn’t quite as sneaky about his prying into the matter as he assumed, because Chris did find out eventually, and did confront him.

“Ya know it’s kinda rude to go asking about someone’s personal business behind their back.” Trilby couldn’t tell if the redheaded man who’d walked into his office was upset with him or not.

“... pardon?” The idea of being found out hadn’t crossed his mind, so he wasn’t quite sure what Chris could be talking about.

“You *really* wanna know what Claire was talking about in the infirmary don’t you?” The taller man raised an eyebrow. A younger Trilby likely would’ve turned an impressive shade of red at realizing he’d been caught, or would’ve tried to think up some half baked excuse as to why he’d been snooping. But now Trilby held his composure, despite the slight panic he felt inside.

“Oh, yes I have been looking into that.” Trilby said, turning his attention back to the file he was reading, “Is that a problem?”

There was a short pause before Chris spoke again, “... I guess I could tell you.” He said, “On two conditions.” Trilby couldn’t help but look up, intrigued to hear whatever conditions the taller man wanted met. “You meet me at the museum tonight at 4, and you don’t call me crazy.”

Chris was more than anxious as he waited outside the museum. Why the hell had he agreed to talk about it? Why here? Trilby would just think he was insane or he still belonged in the mental hospital or-

“Quinn?” He was snapped out of his thoughts, finding Trilby standing a small distance away, “Are we going in?”

“Oh uh-yeah.” Chris cleared his throat and got up, “.. how long have you been standing there, by the way?”

“Nearly ten minutes.” Oh. Oh sh^t. He just let him stand there for ten minutes. God Quinn you’re stupid.

“Sh^t, sorry mate.” Chris lead him inside. There weren’t many people here, and those that were seemed caught up enough in their own exploration of the building to pay no mind to the two men. Chris showed Trilby his favorite exhibits, talking about the history behind them and why they caught his eye. Trilby seemed more interested in Chris’ words than the museum itself, but his eyes lingered on more valuable exhibits, and Chris wondered if he was thinking of what it’d be like to have possession of them. Eventually they wondered to a part nobody was in at the moment.

“Why did you want to meet here?” Trilby asked, “Why not your apartment or my office or.. anywhere more secluded?”

“Uh, stupidly enough I figured it would be. Sorta a neutral ground. We’ve both made fools of ourself in front of each other in a place like this.” Chris explained. He walked over to a bench and sat down, “So how much did you find out eventually?”

“Not too much I think. Something happened when you were in a mental hospital, you stopped it somehow. Nobody knows what it was. Well, Claire might, but when I asked her she told me to mind my own business. Hey! Don’t laugh at me!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just-“ Chris managed to calm down, “You sounded so offended.” He said, “Well, I’m uh, not really sure if my version of the story is even the whole thing.” He said, yeah that’s a good way to start Chris, set yourself up as an unreliable narrator. God he probably already thinks you’re nuts.

“What do you mean?”

“I Uh, don’t remember anything really before uh. The night my parents died.” He began, “Sometimes things feel familiar or I think I *should* remember something but I just... don’t. That day I was heading to their home after a book signing. I was stressed and they’d left a voicemail asking me to come over and I just.. I thought maybe seeing them would make things a little better. But they were dead when I got there, murdered. They never found the killer.”

“Oh I’m... sorry.” Trilby didn’t expect the story to start off with dead parents, Chris figured. It sounded like a cliche. He sounded like a sh^tty comic book hero.

“It’s fine, nothing that can be done now.. I checked myself into a mental hospital, I’m pretty sure it was a last straw thing for me. I didn’t react the way I thought I should’ve. Figured I should get help.” He was pretty sure the hospital f^cked him up more, but he didn’t say that, “One day I woke up and there was just a guard, dead. I didn’t really know what to do, so I took his gun and went out to investigate. The place was crawling with zombies, which I know sounds insane but it’s true, I recognized some of ‘em, other patients, guards, they smelled like rotting flesh and I remember wondering if I breathed in too close if I’d catch it. At first I didn’t really think about what was going on, I mean what are you supposed to think? I had to get out. That’s what I thought. I had to get out and I had to find out what was causing this and I had to get rid of it because otherwise I’d die. It was kind of a blur until I got shot.” Chris glanced at Trilby, trying to read his face for a reaction to what he’d said so far, he couldn’t find one. The other agent was just.. listening. Chris paused before he continued, “I killed this big lard^rse looking thing and then one of those walking corpses shot me. I woke up in a graveyard, I was one of them but.. somehow I wasn’t. Gone. Not like they were. I went to my parents house to see if there was anything there that might help. I don’t really remember everything I grabbed. I fought my way through the rest of ‘em, I killed it, the evil, the thing that was doing it all, at least I think I did.. I remember the life leaving my body and thinking it was my time.”

“But you’re not dead. Or a zombie.” Trilby now sounded confused, Chris didn’t blame him, this was all so odd he could barely make sense of it half the time. He sometimes wondered if maybe he was just delusional.

“Yeah. That’s what doesn’t make sense. I died a zombie and woke up a human on the side of the road with a bunch of guns and the book of transformations. Everything was normal and nobody knew anything about a zombie apocalypse.” Chris said, “But there were. A lot of people dead. Really quick. A lot of them looked like the zombies I killed. Nobody could figure out what did that to them.”

“I actually remember hearing about that on the news.” Trilby admitted.

“.. sometimes I wonder if there could’ve been a better way. If I’d known I swear I would’ve found one but- but... yeah.” He sighed, why was he saying this? Why had he agreed to talk about it?

Chris looked so uneasy, Trilby wondered if his mind was taking him back to what he went through, or thought he went through. He wondered how to break the tense silence, and silently realized why Chris chose this place to meet. Last time both of them were in a museum was lighthearted and fun and honestly ridiculous. Despite how quickly Trilby left it behind and forgot about it, the few times he had thought about it it was never a *bad* memory. As absurd as what Chris was saying sounded to an observer, to the demonslayer this was a personal hell. A shroud of guilt and uncertainty that he couldn’t shake. “... I’m not going to say I know what that’s like, because I don’t, I don’t think it’s *possible* for someone else to go through something like that. But I do know what it’s like to only realize something you did after it was done.” He didn’t know why he said that, or why Chris talking about the people he’d killed stuck out so much to him.

“.. what do you mean? If you’re okay saying it?” Chris’ voice was soft, quiet.

“There Uh, was a mansion, some things happened... it was my body but.. it wasn’t *me*, I never would’ve done it if I had control.” Trilby elected to keep details sparse, he was sure trying to explain what happened at Defoe Manner wouldn’t do either of them any favors. Besides. Chris had brought him here to share something. This wasn’t show and tell, and he didn’t want it to seem like he was trying to upstage the other.

“.. I don’t think it really counts against you then, you didn’t want to do it.”

“I don’t think what you did is your fault either. You had no clue what would happen.” He paused before adding, “I won’t say a word of what you told me. I swear.”

Chris paused, before grinning a bit, “Hey, maybe this can be a thing, but, less morbid in the future. Museums could be like our Las Vegas.” He had effectively dispersed the tense mood between the two with that.

“What?” Trilby had to hold back a laugh, what the hell was the other saying?

“You know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? We can hang out in museums and do whatever we want and say whatever we want and when we leave we don’t tell anyone about it.” Trilby had to admit, it was a nice idea, if a bit silly. A place where both of them could be vulnerable yet also maintain complete privacy the moment they left.

“That sounds nice.” Trilby said, “Next time let’s go to an art museum. They’re less boring.”

[womenofcolor15]

OOP! Apryl Jones & Fizz vs. Everybody! Apryl Insinuates J. Boog Also Messed Around With B2K ‘Family’ During ‘LAHH: Hollywood’ Reunion

Apryl Jones spilled some more B2K tea during last night’s “Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood” season reunion. And she’s alluding to a rumor that has been going around about bandmates having relations with family members. Deets inside…

This season on “Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood” fans saw B2K member Fizz and Omarion’s kids’ mother Apryl Jones first lie and say they were just friends to totally flipping the script and being madly and “unbothered” in love. Listen, they weren’t fooling anyone with that “best friends” story, but they sure was sticking with it.

Throughout the season, B2K bandmate J. Boog pretty much kept his opinions about their relationship neutral. But last night, he shared how he really felt about their coupledom.

”To be real, Fizz been my buddy since jump street. When he didn’t want to disclose to me how serious the relationship is, that’s when I knew the sh*t was real. What’s f*cked up is it’s unfortunate that you f*cked with his brother before you f*cked with him,” J. Boog said.

”Don’t say my brother bro!,” Fizz responded.

“It’s not unfortunate because YOU know that I KNOW certain things. I don’t want to have to put nobody on the table," Apryl said. 

”Open up the box then baby because I ain’t the one to f*ck with,” J. Boog responded. “Aye, you want me to say it for you? Do you want me to say it for you so your clip is emptied?”

”There was other relationships that were happening with members and other family members,” Apryl retorted.

OOP!

Check it:

  "There was other relationships that were happening with members with other family members."

What'd y'all think of the SCALDING hot tea dropped on tonight's #LHHReunion? #LHHH pic.twitter.com/yKOdjWYqgm

— Love & Hip Hop (@loveandhiphop) December 10, 2019

  So, what is Apryl alluding to?

Well, there’s a rumor that J. Boog allegedly had sex with Omarion’s mom, Leslie Burell. Part 1 of the "LAHH: Hollywood" season reunion ended there so, you’ll have to tune in next week to see what unfolds.

Before the Boog/Apryl/Fizz drama, Fizz’s son’s mother Moniece Slaughter stormed off the stage.

Fizz said he and Omarion were never friends, they were only co-workers. Fizz named Boog as his best friend and said he and O haven’t really communicated for 15 years. Boog revealed he has talked to Omarion about the situation and that he didn’t want to get into the drama, but he knows O feels a type of way about Fizz and Apryl because Fizz is named in the court documents for their custody case. Teaaaaa!

  How you and your man look at each other when y’all are (in Fizz’s words) “unbothered” #LHHReunion #LHHH pic.twitter.com/dRTPkyX8jl

— Love & Hip Hop (@loveandhiphop) December 10, 2019

  Fizz and Apryl then confirm (again) that they are together and then “LAHH: Hollywod” co-star Zell asked Moniece how she felt about their relationship.

“I don’t care what they’re doing,” she responded. “That’s the point. I don’t give a f*ck.”

Fizz and Apyrl disagreed and then Fizz pointed out Moniece hasn’t been to any of their son’s basketball games. Apryl mentioned she’s the one who must show up since Moniece won’t. Moniece denied Apryl’s claims and said she goes to the games alone.

“I’ve been to jail for cracking a b*tch’s sternum and fracturing a b*tch’s cheekbones, so I stay at home,” Moniece clapped back before storming off the stage.

Check it:

          View this post on Instagram

                      A post shared by Joey (@omfgrealitytv) on Dec 9, 2019 at 5:58pm PST

  Lordt!

Part 2 of the "LAHH: Hollywood" season 6 reunion airs next Monday at 8/7c on VH1.  Things get physical.  Shocker.

Photos: VH1 Screenshots

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2019/12/10/oop-apryl-jones-insinuates-j-boog-also-messed-around-with-b2k-%E2%80%98family%E2%80%99-on-%E2%80%98lahh-hollywood

[idearljohny]

Pushing You Away

It is currently 3:25am on a Tuesday morning and I'm wide awake. Tonight I'm in my thoughts. Tonight I'm analyzing what it means to be alive, what I'd like to do in life, who I'd like to become, but most importantly who I am in this moment. I'm going to type out a statement that I have said dozens of times in my life: I'm not talking to them. Now let's first understand who exactly "they" are. "They" can either be a male, a female, or a group of two-three people. It's not specific and varies per incident. This time, I'm not talking to him. What happened specifically is not the main focus. The main focus is that I am addicted to pushing people away. For the life of me, I can't stop. I don't even realizing I'm doing it and once I do it, I say to myself, "Sh*t.. I did it again." I'm beginning not to feel bad anymore. These past few days I've gotten into it with two people already. Two people that I just let become close to me again. I asked myself today, "why don't you apologize?" Truth be told, the first encounter was my fault. I had a few opportunities to be the bigger person and I wasn't, I was petty. The reason I don't apologize isn't because I'm being prideful. It's not because I say 'I'm sorry' too much. It's simply because I don't want that person back in my life, period. Because this person knows too much about me and I don't trust them not to hurt me with it in the future. Because this person has called me names, thrown my past mistakes in my face, made me cry, made me excruciatingly angry, and made me severely depressed. I generally do not care what people think and/or say about me. The only reason I care is because I love this person. Because I love them, i don't want them in my life. Love = caring what they think = them having the power to hurt me. I don't like people having that power. This is the reason my friendships/relationships don't last long. I get obsessed with the idea of letting someone in, of maybe hopefully they won't hurt me. I rush into it by telling them everything. I like the idea of trusting someone completely. However once they are in it's okay for a little while. Then we fight and they mention one hurtful thing and I run. I have always run away. Whether it was blocking someone or ignoring them for years. I run. I've said much more hurtful things than most people I have argued with... I just go crazy. I apologize for nothing and to this day, i think that everyone I have cut out deserves to be cut out. I can't even remember what the fights were about. I just trust that I made a good call at the time. This, in my opinion, could have been caused my any of the following: being hurt in the past, trying to gain a sense of independence, this came with my false confidence. It could be all of the above. I would like to point something out, if you're still reading. My uncle asked me this morning, "when you decide to cut someone off, and you do it, how do you feel?" I thought about it for half a second and said, "relieved." .... there's gotta be something seriously f*cked up about that. I don't trust a single person not to hurt me. Not a single human being. Not family, not friends, and definitely not a significant other. I'm relieved because they can't hurt me anymore. I either hurt them first or I leave before they get a chance to take a jab. I don't know how to fix it...

[atlaswriting]

I’ve found god in a lot of things: in the bathroom tile marks left on my knees, the cool of the porcelain pressed soft to my cheek, at the bottom of a bottle of wine I had no business finishing.

I’ve found god, I’ve prayed and I’ve been ignored.

But Abram’s never been a place for holy. He isn’t consecrated ground and I’m not a believer.

I am thankful for every moment his lips are pressed against mine; a silent rebellion, an act of sinning so great that I could bathe in holy water and still burst into flames stepping into church.

Any smart reply is bitten back and choked as his hand tangles in my hair and kisses me. I bite, deliberately at his lip until he inhales sharply and pulls away feeling for the blood that starts to bead. With a quick turn, I’m facing up, hips still pinned to the cushion by his, eyes drinking in his entirety: loose shorts, no shirt—tan skin punctuated with black ink, I think : where has my boy gone? Dead and buried by this man on top of me.

I don’t hate it.

I can’t reach up, grab the shirt he isn’t wearing so I decide on the next best thing : the waistline of his shorts, until he’s close enough and I can dig my long nails into his shoulders and pull him back. He tastes like fire and everything I shouldn’t like—the air before a tornado, thick and lingering—I breathe in him, kiss him deep and find comfort in the familiar copper of blood.

Abram is no less gentle—fingertips digging into my hips, releasing only to slide beneath my shirt. This isn’t love, I think, this is familiarity. It is the heroin and the syringe. But I don’t stop, legs clench tighter around his waist and I push my hips up.

“Wait.” The word comes out as a whine and immediately he stops, blue eyes staring down at me: all man, but animal too. Something vicious and appealing lingers there and he pulls back.

I slide out from under him and Abram sits up on the couch, shifting uncomfortably. I take a breath, trying to calm the swarming bees in my chest that beg to be let out.

This is fucked, I want to say. We’re better people now—better people don’t do this.

Logic and reason get into the ring with need and only one comes out.

A heartbeat passes, a fork in the road where instead of deciding which way to go, I hurdle through like a comet. And like one, I throw my body on top of his, settling into his lap like a puzzle piece.

Like coming home.

I run my hands through his hair, a crown of gold that sits at the top of his head and I tell myself—he’s a king now, but he’s been by prince for over a decade.

Desperation pushes me closer against him, presses my mouth to his and kiss him with a careless desire. My teeth bite at his bottom lip, more feral than girl—but I’ve always been wild.

One of Abram’s hands dips into the hem of my shorts and his other slides up my body, circles around my throat and unlatches my mouth from his. My mouth falls open in silence, and despite the raw wrongness of it all: he doesn’t tear his eyes away from mine. Brows set in a straight line, he controls me like a puppet—bringing my neck to his mouth he bites and sucks at the skin.

Tomorrow is a day that doesn’t exist right now and consequence sits laughing from the sidelines.

The only thing that jars me from the moment is the soft jangling of Alfred’s collar. I toss a glance over my shoulders and then do I notice him on top of Belle.

I all but fall off of Abram, scrambling to my feet and rushing toward the dogs.

“Oh my god!” I shout, pulling him away by his collar, “Alfred! Abram! Oh my god!”

With the more space between us, it gives guilt a chance to wrap herself around me, warm and sharp and I rush to the bathroom, tonight’s dinner and the bottles of wine fight for first in the toilet. After I wash my mouth out I come back into the living room.

“I think you should go.” I say, reaching for Alfred’s collar once again. Tears burn my eyes, “this was a mistake. None of this should have happened. I’m sorry Ellie worried you enough to come over. Thank you for making sure I didn’t get murdered—but we’re,” I gesture to Alfred and I, “going to bed now.”

“Elise…”

“Please—just go.” I beg.

/ / / / /

( texts : abram )

Can we talk about this?

Elise?

Please.

I see you sitting in your backyard with your phone.

That’s not creepy at all.

Don’t do that.

Don’t put up the bitch guard again.

Oh okay, I’m a bitch.

Wtf.

Not what I said.

Don’t worry. Stassi won’t ever know.

You can go back to being Ken and Barbie.

That’s not what I… Can we talk.

There’s nothing to talk about.

/ / / / /

“So what’s his name?”

A wide smile splits Ellie’s face in half. She pulls out her phone and clicks on his instagram. @stefvasilev.

“He’s a King?” I grab the phone and go through the pictures. Most are selfies with over-saturated filters, some are of his alcohol collection and others are various pictures with other teammates. “Are you insane? Are you trying to drive Brody insane? ‘Cause beep beep.”

Ellie reaches and snatches her phone back, “I didn’t show you so that you could judge me,” she says bitterly. “It wasn’t like I planned it—okay, I did. I just wanted to make Brody jealous. At first. But then I actually started to like him.” She looks down at her phone and smiles then lays it face down. “Which he was fine with.”

I can feel my brow arch higher than usual, “I don’t know—how well do you know him?” I ask, “this could get really messy with Bri, Brody and Abram.”

She rolls her eyes and stands up, walking into my kitchen and looking through my refrigerator. “I’m sorry, do I need to go through my baby daddy and best friend when it comes to getting laid?” She asks, “Brody didn’t ask me before he started dating she-who-must-not-be-named and hasn’t stopped dating her despite the fact that she’s the embodiment of evil.” Ellie pouts when everything she finds is either organic, vegan or expired. “You need real food.”

“I just don’t want it to cause any fights. The last thing they need next season is to start an all out brawl in the middle of the ice for your hand.”

Ellie plops back down beside me, phone out and ordering a pizza. “Brody is never going to fight over me, he doesn’t love me anymore. Not with that leech brainwashing him.” Sitting up slowly, Ellie opens her mouth to say something but then shuts it. Suddenly her eyes go wide and she jumps nearly on top of me. “What is that and how did I not notice it before?”

My hand goes up to my neck and rubs, “It was… a parting gift from Laney.”

“Bullshit that girl couldn’t bruise an apple. You expect me to believe she ate half your neck?”

“It was Delaney, Ellie!”

“You’re such a bold face liar. I can’t believe it. You may wanna get down off your high horse there, Elise. You’re gonna fall off.” She grins at me and I push her away from me. “It’s fine, I don’t judge you.”

/ / / / /

“Simon, you don’t have to invite Abram to family dinner—he isn’t family.” I whisper harshly, I keep my voice low, peak into the living room where Abram is playing with Auguste on the floor and Stassi is showing   Anais’ pictures of Nashville. “You should just kick him out. Right now—tell him—,”

“Elise calm down,” he says, still focused on the pans and not burning anything. “Abram is family and you’re going to have to deal with that.”

I roll my eyes, a sharp knock at the door doesn’t pull my glare from my dad, “He stopped being family the day he left me.” My voice breaks unwillingly and a moment of regret crosses over Simon’s face. It quickly turns into horror as Cerise is let in by Anais.

“Maman?” I bring my glass of water to my lips, suddenly wishing it had been something a little stronger. “What are you doing here?”

She ignores the other’s in the living room, moves her eyes over Abram like he doesn’t exist and kisses both of my cheeks. “I can’t drop in and see my daughter and my nephew?”

“Not in my house.” Simon’s jaws tenses.

“Simon.” Says Anais softly.

When the shock settles and we’re all sitting at dinner, I almost feel bad for Stassi who is sitting closest to Cerise. I watch her, like a cat toying with a helpless mouse, as she controls the conversation with Stassi whose cheeks are bright red.

“I’ve been trying to get Abram to come to Nashville with me while he has his little break,” she says, “But he’s so difficult sometimes.” She laughs, nudges her elbow into his arm.

“Abram used to fly with me all the time.” I say, deciding then that alcohol was the only way I was going to get through the night and over-pouring myself a glass, “A lot of things about Abram are harder now.” I add, not able to control the bitterness that sneaks out.

[samanthasroberts]

Vanderpump Rules Season 7 Episode 3 Recap · Betches

What’s good, Sexy Unique People? It’s your favorite recapper, Sgt. Olivia Betchson, here. I’m here one whole day early to recap Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 3, which got moved to a new day for some reason. Smh, you think you can depend on something, like you have been doing for the past FOUR YEARS, and then they go changing it for no discernible reason. Is it so much to ask for my show to be on at a consistent time? Is it?? There’s so little I can rely on anymore in this world.

This week picks right back up at Pride, after James has called Katie fat. He yells at Katie to “lose some f*cking weight” before storming off and telling some guy that Katie can go f*ck herself. Way harsh, Tai.

Scheana is talking about how she doesn’t know if Hope hooked up with James. Which is fair because the only people who know that for sure are Hope, James, and God. And still Scheana gets sh*t for this very uncontroversial opinion. It may be besides the point that James cheats on Raquel a lot, but also, why is this anyone’s business? Scheana is the only one who actually likes and wants to be friends with Raquel, so she’s realistically the only one who is in a place to tell Raquel about any cheating rumors. Everybody else isn’t doing this out of loyalty to Raquel but a desire to f*ck up James’s life. You heard it here first!

Lisa arrives at Pride dressed like she’s going to the Kentucky Derby.

No further comments at this time.

Raquel comes back up to Kristen and Hope and steals Hope away for a second. Raquel asks her to tell her what really happened at Coachella. Hope claims that Coachella is only the tip of the iceberg and she and James were sleeping together for THREE YEARS!! Oh and I’m sorry, this Coachella incident was not at this past year’s Coachella, but it actually happened two years ago.

Me:

I’m sorry, hold the phone. So you mean to tell me that this alleged incident happened years ago, and we’re only just hearing about it now? Hope sat on this information for TWO YEARS?? And she’s bringing it up now as if it’s somehow relevant and current information? Seems extremely suspect. How can you even begin to verify something that happened years ago?? Also, is Raquel really meant to blow up her relationship over something that may or may not have happened two years ago? I’ve gotta say, this is not Kristen’s best work. Try coming through with receipts from this calendar year, hmm?

Stassi calling James an emaciated muppet literally made me spit out my drink. Speaking of said emaciated muppet, James is literally full-on in white Kanye mode. He’s f*cked up, slurring, wandering around and trying to order a pumptini. It’s not good.

Lisa pulls Raquel aside to basically be like “come get ya mans and make sure he doesn’t have another sip of alcohol.” Yeah, that will end well. When has anyone in the history of alcohol successfully stopped a drunk person from doing something stupid? Never. So Raquel confronts James again about the rumors, and all he does is call Hope a f*cking whore. Hmm, so she’s a whore for not sleeping with you? Reminds me of middle school when some girl called me a slut when I hadn’t even kissed a guy yet. Just fun misogyny things!

We leave this with Raquel saying she wants to stay with James for the Instagram exposure.

Raquel and James are trying to put together furniture while discussing the train wreck that was the day before.

Ok so James’s story is that he and Hope hooked up two and a half years ago, before he was with Raquel.

Me: 

Right after this, Peter calls James to un-invite him to his birthday. I kind of wonder what Kristen had to blackmail him with in order to get that to happen.

James: Well Tom’s drinks don’t taste like alcohol so it snuck up on me. Raquel: Mmm, no that’s not it.

Yeah no, that’s not what happened here. This is wild because I’ve never even heard Raquel speak this many words before, and I legit have met her in person. I’m into this, though. She says she doesn’t want James to have another sip of alcohol ever again. I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for that to come true, because I don’t wish to asphyxiate. Still, I can respect that she has a more realistic perspective of addiction than Scheana.

Some lady with a pageboy cap shows up to SUR to ask Lisa if she could give her brother a job. OK so it looks like we’re getting another Instagram model added to the cast… who’s probably going to date Scheana. Let’s just hope this guy shows up to the interview wearing pants and that he brings his resume.

Speaking of… Scheana shows up to Peter’s birthday party with Adam, which surprises no one. I’m glad they’ve finally taken their Instagram relationship public. The real question is… can he hang a TV in under 7 minutes?

Stassi is like, annoyed that Scheana doesn’t want to speak on rumors she doesn’t know about (aka James hooking up with Hope). Oh here’s the Stassi I knew and hated from season 5—the one who is only friends with people so long as they agree with her on all things and hate the same people she hates. That’s not loyalty, btw, that’s blind devotion!

Stassi and Ariana are finally joining forces to throw one birthday party. I would have commentary on this, but I knew this happened over the summer so I no longer have anything to say on the matter. Is Instagram ruining Vanderpump Rules? The title of my next think piece.

Ariana: Stassi just kept following me around and being nice to me so I gave up the energy to be bitchy.

Relatable.

Katie, Brittany, Stassi and Ariana are having a girls’ night and not inviting Scheana. Ariana is kind of being a mean girl by being like “yeah well I haven’t seen Scheana lately, it’s on her to work out her issues with Katie and everyone” rather than sticking up for her supposed friend and trying to get her an invite. Who has no loyalty now?? (I keep referencing this because later on this season, Stassi will come at Scheana for her supposed lack of loyalty.)

Jax and Brittany are going to a cheese shop because they’re starting a beer cheese company. a BEER CHEESE COMPANY. Literally watching Brittany act like beer cheese is a novelty you can’t get anywhere but her Meemaw’s basement is f*cking ridiculous. I’ve had beer cheese in Atlanta. I’ve had it in New York. Go to any artisanal brewery and you can probably find a beer cheese dip that comes with a soft pretzel. Damn, now I want a pretzel.

Brittany is going to invite Raquel to girls’ night, basically because she’s been cheated on by her boyfriend too. Let’s also invite Khloé Kardashian and Cardi B to this girls’ night. It’s Cheaters Anonymous up in this bitch.

Jax re: Raquel: Why would you want to be with someone who literally everybody hates?

LOLLLLLLLLLMFAOOOO IS THIS A JOKE?? Pot, meet kettle who everyone hates.

Jax has started his job back at SUR again. Again, what’s it like to have literally no consequences for your actions? MUST BE NICE.

Wait a sec, did Schwartz just call Katie his girlfriend? Yes he did. THAT’S YOUR WIFE! Or have you forgotten?

Schwartz goes to talk to James about calling Katie fat and the convo goes as follows:

Schwartz: Katie isn’t fat she’s sexy and luscious James: I know man Schwartz: Say it. I want you to say it.

You want another man to call your WIFE sexy and luscious? Weird flex, but ok. In predictable Schwartzy fashion, he doesn’t get mad at James or really give him any consequences for what he did. Maybe this is why Kristen has dubbed herself the Karma Police?

It’s girls’ night, and Ariana is SERVING in this see-through red lace number with a red thong. Everyone looks amazing, I’m really loving this. Looking at these outfits has cleared my skin, hydrated my body, and filled up my bank account.

View this post on Instagram

Don’t forget there’s a new #pumprules tonight at 9pm!

A post shared by Katie Maloney-Schwartz (@musickillskate) on Dec 16, 2018 at 1:51pm PST

Meanwhile at guys’ night, Jax comes riding in on a motor scooter. All I could think about was:

Jax announces he and Brittany are business owners, and claims they’re getting patented and whatever. I doubt that. Have you even filed an LLC yet? I’m not saying Jax is a liar, but a brief Google search for “Meemaw’s beer cheese” only pulled up a Bustle article.

Brittany tells everyone that she invited Raquel to girls’ night and you can see the group calculate whether they should throw their drinks in Brittany’s face or jump out the window.

It’s so rich that Brittany is inviting Raquel out to tell her that her boyfriend sucks. And yet, she’s still with Jax and is now pledging to be with him FOR LIFE, so?? The cognitive dissonance is astounding. Jax buys tampons one time and all of a sudden we’re meant to believe he’s a completely new person?

I can’t believe Kristen is telling Raquel that James has a really shitty temper. Spoken by the woman who punched James in the face??!? Kristen should get a gold medal in mental gymnastics. F*ck it, they all should.

Katie: I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone where monsters are allowed to do and say whatever they want without consequences.

Yeah, welcome to 2018, bitch. Where have ya been?

We end this episode with Katie going to talk to Lisa to tell her about James calling her fat during Pride. I’m actually here for this Katie because Lisa is saying “James’ language is unacceptable” but not actually vowing to do anything. *Whispers into the void* just like when any high-powered man gets called out for unacceptable behavior. So Katie basically tells Lisa “it’s him or me.” You can tell Lisa is PISSED to not be calling the shots this time. Maybe if these men ever faced consequences for their gross behavior we wouldn’t have to resort to ultimatums! I mean, has anyone else ever thought about how the only person who has truly gotten fired from SUR and never gotten her job back has been Kristen? I have to wonder why that is…

And it’s possible I spoke too soon about this season being good, because this episode was kind of a bore. I tried to make this recap as exciting as I could, but putting jokes into this uninspired episode is like trying to inject life into a corpse… or into Giggy’s hairless body. Boom! And with that, I’m out of here! See you guys next Monday, because I’m pretty sure Bravo is f*cking with us yet again by changing the time of this show. For the record, I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS!

Images: Trae Patton / Bravo Media; Giphy (4)

Source: http://allofbeer.com/vanderpump-rules-season-7-episode-3-recap-%c2%b7-betches/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/02/23/vanderpump-rules-season-7-episode-3-recap-%c2%b7-betches/

[adambstingus]

Vanderpump Rules Season 7 Episode 3 Recap · Betches

What’s good, Sexy Unique People? It’s your favorite recapper, Sgt. Olivia Betchson, here. I’m here one whole day early to recap Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 3, which got moved to a new day for some reason. Smh, you think you can depend on something, like you have been doing for the past FOUR YEARS, and then they go changing it for no discernible reason. Is it so much to ask for my show to be on at a consistent time? Is it?? There’s so little I can rely on anymore in this world.

This week picks right back up at Pride, after James has called Katie fat. He yells at Katie to “lose some f*cking weight” before storming off and telling some guy that Katie can go f*ck herself. Way harsh, Tai.

Scheana is talking about how she doesn’t know if Hope hooked up with James. Which is fair because the only people who know that for sure are Hope, James, and God. And still Scheana gets sh*t for this very uncontroversial opinion. It may be besides the point that James cheats on Raquel a lot, but also, why is this anyone’s business? Scheana is the only one who actually likes and wants to be friends with Raquel, so she’s realistically the only one who is in a place to tell Raquel about any cheating rumors. Everybody else isn’t doing this out of loyalty to Raquel but a desire to f*ck up James’s life. You heard it here first!

Lisa arrives at Pride dressed like she’s going to the Kentucky Derby.

No further comments at this time.

Raquel comes back up to Kristen and Hope and steals Hope away for a second. Raquel asks her to tell her what really happened at Coachella. Hope claims that Coachella is only the tip of the iceberg and she and James were sleeping together for THREE YEARS!! Oh and I’m sorry, this Coachella incident was not at this past year’s Coachella, but it actually happened two years ago.

Me:

I’m sorry, hold the phone. So you mean to tell me that this alleged incident happened years ago, and we’re only just hearing about it now? Hope sat on this information for TWO YEARS?? And she’s bringing it up now as if it’s somehow relevant and current information? Seems extremely suspect. How can you even begin to verify something that happened years ago?? Also, is Raquel really meant to blow up her relationship over something that may or may not have happened two years ago? I’ve gotta say, this is not Kristen’s best work. Try coming through with receipts from this calendar year, hmm?

Stassi calling James an emaciated muppet literally made me spit out my drink. Speaking of said emaciated muppet, James is literally full-on in white Kanye mode. He’s f*cked up, slurring, wandering around and trying to order a pumptini. It’s not good.

Lisa pulls Raquel aside to basically be like “come get ya mans and make sure he doesn’t have another sip of alcohol.” Yeah, that will end well. When has anyone in the history of alcohol successfully stopped a drunk person from doing something stupid? Never. So Raquel confronts James again about the rumors, and all he does is call Hope a f*cking whore. Hmm, so she’s a whore for not sleeping with you? Reminds me of middle school when some girl called me a slut when I hadn’t even kissed a guy yet. Just fun misogyny things!

We leave this with Raquel saying she wants to stay with James for the Instagram exposure.

Raquel and James are trying to put together furniture while discussing the train wreck that was the day before.

Ok so James’s story is that he and Hope hooked up two and a half years ago, before he was with Raquel.

Me: 

Right after this, Peter calls James to un-invite him to his birthday. I kind of wonder what Kristen had to blackmail him with in order to get that to happen.

James: Well Tom’s drinks don’t taste like alcohol so it snuck up on me. Raquel: Mmm, no that’s not it.

Yeah no, that’s not what happened here. This is wild because I’ve never even heard Raquel speak this many words before, and I legit have met her in person. I’m into this, though. She says she doesn’t want James to have another sip of alcohol ever again. I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for that to come true, because I don’t wish to asphyxiate. Still, I can respect that she has a more realistic perspective of addiction than Scheana.

Some lady with a pageboy cap shows up to SUR to ask Lisa if she could give her brother a job. OK so it looks like we’re getting another Instagram model added to the cast… who’s probably going to date Scheana. Let’s just hope this guy shows up to the interview wearing pants and that he brings his resume.

Speaking of… Scheana shows up to Peter’s birthday party with Adam, which surprises no one. I’m glad they’ve finally taken their Instagram relationship public. The real question is… can he hang a TV in under 7 minutes?

Stassi is like, annoyed that Scheana doesn’t want to speak on rumors she doesn’t know about (aka James hooking up with Hope). Oh here’s the Stassi I knew and hated from season 5—the one who is only friends with people so long as they agree with her on all things and hate the same people she hates. That’s not loyalty, btw, that’s blind devotion!

Stassi and Ariana are finally joining forces to throw one birthday party. I would have commentary on this, but I knew this happened over the summer so I no longer have anything to say on the matter. Is Instagram ruining Vanderpump Rules? The title of my next think piece.

Ariana: Stassi just kept following me around and being nice to me so I gave up the energy to be bitchy.

Relatable.

Katie, Brittany, Stassi and Ariana are having a girls’ night and not inviting Scheana. Ariana is kind of being a mean girl by being like “yeah well I haven’t seen Scheana lately, it’s on her to work out her issues with Katie and everyone” rather than sticking up for her supposed friend and trying to get her an invite. Who has no loyalty now?? (I keep referencing this because later on this season, Stassi will come at Scheana for her supposed lack of loyalty.)

Jax and Brittany are going to a cheese shop because they’re starting a beer cheese company. a BEER CHEESE COMPANY. Literally watching Brittany act like beer cheese is a novelty you can’t get anywhere but her Meemaw’s basement is f*cking ridiculous. I’ve had beer cheese in Atlanta. I’ve had it in New York. Go to any artisanal brewery and you can probably find a beer cheese dip that comes with a soft pretzel. Damn, now I want a pretzel.

Brittany is going to invite Raquel to girls’ night, basically because she’s been cheated on by her boyfriend too. Let’s also invite Khloé Kardashian and Cardi B to this girls’ night. It’s Cheaters Anonymous up in this bitch.

Jax re: Raquel: Why would you want to be with someone who literally everybody hates?

LOLLLLLLLLLMFAOOOO IS THIS A JOKE?? Pot, meet kettle who everyone hates.

Jax has started his job back at SUR again. Again, what’s it like to have literally no consequences for your actions? MUST BE NICE.

Wait a sec, did Schwartz just call Katie his girlfriend? Yes he did. THAT’S YOUR WIFE! Or have you forgotten?

Schwartz goes to talk to James about calling Katie fat and the convo goes as follows:

Schwartz: Katie isn’t fat she’s sexy and luscious James: I know man Schwartz: Say it. I want you to say it.

You want another man to call your WIFE sexy and luscious? Weird flex, but ok. In predictable Schwartzy fashion, he doesn’t get mad at James or really give him any consequences for what he did. Maybe this is why Kristen has dubbed herself the Karma Police?

It’s girls’ night, and Ariana is SERVING in this see-through red lace number with a red thong. Everyone looks amazing, I’m really loving this. Looking at these outfits has cleared my skin, hydrated my body, and filled up my bank account.

View this post on Instagram

Don’t forget there’s a new #pumprules tonight at 9pm!

A post shared by Katie Maloney-Schwartz (@musickillskate) on Dec 16, 2018 at 1:51pm PST

Meanwhile at guys’ night, Jax comes riding in on a motor scooter. All I could think about was:

Jax announces he and Brittany are business owners, and claims they’re getting patented and whatever. I doubt that. Have you even filed an LLC yet? I’m not saying Jax is a liar, but a brief Google search for “Meemaw’s beer cheese” only pulled up a Bustle article.

Brittany tells everyone that she invited Raquel to girls’ night and you can see the group calculate whether they should throw their drinks in Brittany’s face or jump out the window.

It’s so rich that Brittany is inviting Raquel out to tell her that her boyfriend sucks. And yet, she’s still with Jax and is now pledging to be with him FOR LIFE, so?? The cognitive dissonance is astounding. Jax buys tampons one time and all of a sudden we’re meant to believe he’s a completely new person?

I can’t believe Kristen is telling Raquel that James has a really shitty temper. Spoken by the woman who punched James in the face??!? Kristen should get a gold medal in mental gymnastics. F*ck it, they all should.

Katie: I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone where monsters are allowed to do and say whatever they want without consequences.

Yeah, welcome to 2018, bitch. Where have ya been?

We end this episode with Katie going to talk to Lisa to tell her about James calling her fat during Pride. I’m actually here for this Katie because Lisa is saying “James’ language is unacceptable” but not actually vowing to do anything. *Whispers into the void* just like when any high-powered man gets called out for unacceptable behavior. So Katie basically tells Lisa “it’s him or me.” You can tell Lisa is PISSED to not be calling the shots this time. Maybe if these men ever faced consequences for their gross behavior we wouldn’t have to resort to ultimatums! I mean, has anyone else ever thought about how the only person who has truly gotten fired from SUR and never gotten her job back has been Kristen? I have to wonder why that is…

And it’s possible I spoke too soon about this season being good, because this episode was kind of a bore. I tried to make this recap as exciting as I could, but putting jokes into this uninspired episode is like trying to inject life into a corpse… or into Giggy’s hairless body. Boom! And with that, I’m out of here! See you guys next Monday, because I’m pretty sure Bravo is f*cking with us yet again by changing the time of this show. For the record, I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS!

Images: Trae Patton / Bravo Media; Giphy (4)

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/vanderpump-rules-season-7-episode-3-recap-%c2%b7-betches/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/183010553612

[allofbeercom]

Vanderpump Rules Season 7 Episode 3 Recap · Betches

What’s good, Sexy Unique People? It’s your favorite recapper, Sgt. Olivia Betchson, here. I’m here one whole day early to recap Vanderpump Rules season 7 episode 3, which got moved to a new day for some reason. Smh, you think you can depend on something, like you have been doing for the past FOUR YEARS, and then they go changing it for no discernible reason. Is it so much to ask for my show to be on at a consistent time? Is it?? There’s so little I can rely on anymore in this world.

This week picks right back up at Pride, after James has called Katie fat. He yells at Katie to “lose some f*cking weight” before storming off and telling some guy that Katie can go f*ck herself. Way harsh, Tai.

Scheana is talking about how she doesn’t know if Hope hooked up with James. Which is fair because the only people who know that for sure are Hope, James, and God. And still Scheana gets sh*t for this very uncontroversial opinion. It may be besides the point that James cheats on Raquel a lot, but also, why is this anyone’s business? Scheana is the only one who actually likes and wants to be friends with Raquel, so she’s realistically the only one who is in a place to tell Raquel about any cheating rumors. Everybody else isn’t doing this out of loyalty to Raquel but a desire to f*ck up James’s life. You heard it here first!

Lisa arrives at Pride dressed like she’s going to the Kentucky Derby.

No further comments at this time.

Raquel comes back up to Kristen and Hope and steals Hope away for a second. Raquel asks her to tell her what really happened at Coachella. Hope claims that Coachella is only the tip of the iceberg and she and James were sleeping together for THREE YEARS!! Oh and I’m sorry, this Coachella incident was not at this past year’s Coachella, but it actually happened two years ago.

Me:

I’m sorry, hold the phone. So you mean to tell me that this alleged incident happened years ago, and we’re only just hearing about it now? Hope sat on this information for TWO YEARS?? And she’s bringing it up now as if it’s somehow relevant and current information? Seems extremely suspect. How can you even begin to verify something that happened years ago?? Also, is Raquel really meant to blow up her relationship over something that may or may not have happened two years ago? I’ve gotta say, this is not Kristen’s best work. Try coming through with receipts from this calendar year, hmm?

Stassi calling James an emaciated muppet literally made me spit out my drink. Speaking of said emaciated muppet, James is literally full-on in white Kanye mode. He’s f*cked up, slurring, wandering around and trying to order a pumptini. It’s not good.

Lisa pulls Raquel aside to basically be like “come get ya mans and make sure he doesn’t have another sip of alcohol.” Yeah, that will end well. When has anyone in the history of alcohol successfully stopped a drunk person from doing something stupid? Never. So Raquel confronts James again about the rumors, and all he does is call Hope a f*cking whore. Hmm, so she’s a whore for not sleeping with you? Reminds me of middle school when some girl called me a slut when I hadn’t even kissed a guy yet. Just fun misogyny things!

We leave this with Raquel saying she wants to stay with James for the Instagram exposure.

Raquel and James are trying to put together furniture while discussing the train wreck that was the day before.

Ok so James’s story is that he and Hope hooked up two and a half years ago, before he was with Raquel.

Me: 

Right after this, Peter calls James to un-invite him to his birthday. I kind of wonder what Kristen had to blackmail him with in order to get that to happen.

James: Well Tom’s drinks don’t taste like alcohol so it snuck up on me. Raquel: Mmm, no that’s not it.

Yeah no, that’s not what happened here. This is wild because I’ve never even heard Raquel speak this many words before, and I legit have met her in person. I’m into this, though. She says she doesn’t want James to have another sip of alcohol ever again. I’m not going to hold my breath waiting for that to come true, because I don’t wish to asphyxiate. Still, I can respect that she has a more realistic perspective of addiction than Scheana.

Some lady with a pageboy cap shows up to SUR to ask Lisa if she could give her brother a job. OK so it looks like we’re getting another Instagram model added to the cast… who’s probably going to date Scheana. Let’s just hope this guy shows up to the interview wearing pants and that he brings his resume.

Speaking of… Scheana shows up to Peter’s birthday party with Adam, which surprises no one. I’m glad they’ve finally taken their Instagram relationship public. The real question is… can he hang a TV in under 7 minutes?

Stassi is like, annoyed that Scheana doesn’t want to speak on rumors she doesn’t know about (aka James hooking up with Hope). Oh here’s the Stassi I knew and hated from season 5—the one who is only friends with people so long as they agree with her on all things and hate the same people she hates. That’s not loyalty, btw, that’s blind devotion!

Stassi and Ariana are finally joining forces to throw one birthday party. I would have commentary on this, but I knew this happened over the summer so I no longer have anything to say on the matter. Is Instagram ruining Vanderpump Rules? The title of my next think piece.

Ariana: Stassi just kept following me around and being nice to me so I gave up the energy to be bitchy.

Relatable.

Katie, Brittany, Stassi and Ariana are having a girls’ night and not inviting Scheana. Ariana is kind of being a mean girl by being like “yeah well I haven’t seen Scheana lately, it’s on her to work out her issues with Katie and everyone” rather than sticking up for her supposed friend and trying to get her an invite. Who has no loyalty now?? (I keep referencing this because later on this season, Stassi will come at Scheana for her supposed lack of loyalty.)

Jax and Brittany are going to a cheese shop because they’re starting a beer cheese company. a BEER CHEESE COMPANY. Literally watching Brittany act like beer cheese is a novelty you can’t get anywhere but her Meemaw’s basement is f*cking ridiculous. I’ve had beer cheese in Atlanta. I’ve had it in New York. Go to any artisanal brewery and you can probably find a beer cheese dip that comes with a soft pretzel. Damn, now I want a pretzel.

Brittany is going to invite Raquel to girls’ night, basically because she’s been cheated on by her boyfriend too. Let’s also invite Khloé Kardashian and Cardi B to this girls’ night. It’s Cheaters Anonymous up in this bitch.

Jax re: Raquel: Why would you want to be with someone who literally everybody hates?

LOLLLLLLLLLMFAOOOO IS THIS A JOKE?? Pot, meet kettle who everyone hates.

Jax has started his job back at SUR again. Again, what’s it like to have literally no consequences for your actions? MUST BE NICE.

Wait a sec, did Schwartz just call Katie his girlfriend? Yes he did. THAT’S YOUR WIFE! Or have you forgotten?

Schwartz goes to talk to James about calling Katie fat and the convo goes as follows:

Schwartz: Katie isn’t fat she’s sexy and luscious James: I know man Schwartz: Say it. I want you to say it.

You want another man to call your WIFE sexy and luscious? Weird flex, but ok. In predictable Schwartzy fashion, he doesn’t get mad at James or really give him any consequences for what he did. Maybe this is why Kristen has dubbed herself the Karma Police?

It’s girls’ night, and Ariana is SERVING in this see-through red lace number with a red thong. Everyone looks amazing, I’m really loving this. Looking at these outfits has cleared my skin, hydrated my body, and filled up my bank account.

View this post on Instagram

Don’t forget there’s a new #pumprules tonight at 9pm!

A post shared by Katie Maloney-Schwartz (@musickillskate) on Dec 16, 2018 at 1:51pm PST

Meanwhile at guys’ night, Jax comes riding in on a motor scooter. All I could think about was:

Jax announces he and Brittany are business owners, and claims they’re getting patented and whatever. I doubt that. Have you even filed an LLC yet? I’m not saying Jax is a liar, but a brief Google search for “Meemaw’s beer cheese” only pulled up a Bustle article.

Brittany tells everyone that she invited Raquel to girls’ night and you can see the group calculate whether they should throw their drinks in Brittany’s face or jump out the window.

It’s so rich that Brittany is inviting Raquel out to tell her that her boyfriend sucks. And yet, she’s still with Jax and is now pledging to be with him FOR LIFE, so?? The cognitive dissonance is astounding. Jax buys tampons one time and all of a sudden we’re meant to believe he’s a completely new person?

I can’t believe Kristen is telling Raquel that James has a really shitty temper. Spoken by the woman who punched James in the face??!? Kristen should get a gold medal in mental gymnastics. F*ck it, they all should.

Katie: I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone where monsters are allowed to do and say whatever they want without consequences.

Yeah, welcome to 2018, bitch. Where have ya been?

We end this episode with Katie going to talk to Lisa to tell her about James calling her fat during Pride. I’m actually here for this Katie because Lisa is saying “James’ language is unacceptable” but not actually vowing to do anything. *Whispers into the void* just like when any high-powered man gets called out for unacceptable behavior. So Katie basically tells Lisa “it’s him or me.” You can tell Lisa is PISSED to not be calling the shots this time. Maybe if these men ever faced consequences for their gross behavior we wouldn’t have to resort to ultimatums! I mean, has anyone else ever thought about how the only person who has truly gotten fired from SUR and never gotten her job back has been Kristen? I have to wonder why that is…

And it’s possible I spoke too soon about this season being good, because this episode was kind of a bore. I tried to make this recap as exciting as I could, but putting jokes into this uninspired episode is like trying to inject life into a corpse… or into Giggy’s hairless body. Boom! And with that, I’m out of here! See you guys next Monday, because I’m pretty sure Bravo is f*cking with us yet again by changing the time of this show. For the record, I DO NOT SUPPORT THIS!

Images: Trae Patton / Bravo Media; Giphy (4)

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/vanderpump-rules-season-7-episode-3-recap-%c2%b7-betches/

[ethelbertpaul444-blog]

The Best Bachelor In Paradise Recap Youll Ever Read: Week 3, Night 1 Betches

Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise! The show that keeps on giving leaves us shackled to our couches for 4-6 hours a week. When last we left off, Chris was interrupted in the middle of comparing living, breathing women to courses in a meal by Tia who, hopefully, came armed to this conversation with a shoe so she can beat him to death with it. I’m rooting for you, Tia!

TIA: You told me that I deserve the best. CHRIS: You do. TIA: But you made out with Krystal. CHRIS: I did. But I’ll fight for you. TIA: 

Okay, see this is what’s wrong with modern dating right here. They keep talking in circles around each other and Chris might as well be speaking in Pig Latin for all the sense he’s making rn. Tia is pissed because Chris told her he would commit to her, meanwhile Chris is saying that he did mention commitment to her but will actually do the opposite. But, hey, at least he said the word commitment! That’s got to count for something, Tia!

Jesus. This talk is making me want to call my internet company and abandon the sh*tty internet plan that makes it possible for me stream this abomination on clear, cloudless days only. Tia keeps saying Chris’s argument doesn’t make sense—and it doesn’t—but what really doesn’t make sense is how either of these women can fight over him while he’s wearing that fugly bandanna.

HOW.

Moving on. Oh, that poor parrot needs to stay far away from Kendall. Next time we see it it will be on her wall.

Tia thinks that because Colton warned her about Chris, Colton is in love with her. It’s flimsy evidence at best, but her crazy ass will take anything she can get.

HAHA. Tia yelping “help” after realizing she’s insane is me in the mirror every morning.

Jacqueline and her monotone voice emerge from behind a palm tree. Idk why, but there’s something v unnerving about Jacqueline to me. I think it has something to do with the full set of baby teeth hiding in that tiny mouth of hers.

Bibi’s like “she doesn’t smell like Paradise yet. I’m screwed.” Bibi, this girl has the personality of a mechanical pencil. I think you’ll be fine, girl.

Jacqueline pulls Colton aside as Tia is literally in the middle of professing her love to him again. Lol this should be good.

JACQUELINE: Can I steal you for a second, Colton? TIA:

WHAT. Colton turns Jackie down?? First of all, you can do that? Second of all, he can’t say no to a date! What does he think he’s here for?  To sip on his Mike’s Hard and work on his tan? Absolutely not. You’re never going to lose your virginity with an attitude like that, Colton!

Colton tells Tia that he’s still into her but he doesn’t want to, like, do anything about it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to stick my head in an oven. Are you effing kidding me with this, ABC? Honestly, this Colton/Tia thing has gone on far too long. I’ve had enough. Someone murder them both already. For f*ck’s sake.

Jackie picks Kenny for the date because one of the producers lost a bet and had to make this happen. That’s the only way these two on a date makes sense. I’ll be shocked if they find anything to talk about. Fingers crossed the producers don’t have to resort to poking them with sticks to generate any sort of human emotion!

KENNY: You’re pretentious, aren’t you? JACKIE: 

Clearly this love story was written in the stars. Good luck, kids!

Back at the beach, Annaliese is patiently waiting for Kenny to get back from his date. She’s like “I have to find love get a rose tonight. I. have. to.” Damn, this girl did not come to play. She immediately pulls Kenny aside to show him the pink goo she picked out for dessert.

OH MY GOD DID ANNALIESE JUST SAY SHE WANTS TO OPEN HER SEXUAL DOOR TO HIM? Does she mean, like, her back door? Is that what she’s trying to say? I’m confused.

Okay, Venmo John is killing it this season. Who would have thought a man with a decent job and a 401K would be more of a hot commodity than a former pro athlete? No, seriously. Who.

Meanwhile, Chris and Krystal are heating up. It’s disgusting. He’s like “I really appreciated you having my back when I was trying to dump my side chick. That was hot.” Krystal, is this what you’ve been dreaming about your whole life? Because if so, then I’m so glad you found your knight in shining armor!

Okay, Bibiana is a goddamn therapist at this point. She should honestly be charging by the hour for the amount of time and effort she’s putting into getting these losers to express basic human emotion.

COLTON: So my only choices are to date Tia or go home? Guess I’m going hom— BIBIANA: B*tch, what did we just talk about?

Damn. Tia really wore Colton down. Colton decides he wants to give their relationship a chance and Tia actually screams in ecstasy. It’s v disturbing.

Also, Tia all you ever wanted was for him to “give it an honest chance.” No, that’s not true. You wanted to bully him into dating you. And it worked. Congratulations, you sociopath. (And can I DM you for tips?)

Moving on to the rose ceremony. I never thought we’d get here. I’m genuinely worried Bibi is going home, though. And what will her patients cast mates do without her saving their boyfriends in rose ceremonies when they’re mad at them? Hmm?

MY GOD. What is Jordan wearing on his body rn? It’s like a vest/pant combo made out of the vacation section at a Goodwill.

So. Much. Fashion. 🌹🌹🌹 cocktail party paradise edition #bachelorinsider #bts #bachelorinparadise 🌊🌴🦀🥂

A post shared by Bachelor Insider (@bachelorinsider) on Aug 20, 2018 at 9:18pm PDT

Elsewhere, Caroline has Venmo John cornered on a couch listing off her demands for the rose ceremony. 

CAROLINE: I just hate this campaigning for roses. I’m not that kind of girl. NARRATOR: She absolutely was that kind of girl.

Then there’s Jubilee, A WAR VETERAN, who’s reduced herself to handing out back rubs for a rose. Is this really a back rub or  is she actually using a tactic they teach in the army to get the enemy to submit? She could have some real tricks hidden under that crop top.

Lol David is over here trying to give Bibi a pep talk. He’s like “Kenny said he’s into you. He said you have a good booty.” What a strong foundation to build a relationship on! It’s worked out so well for the Kardashians.

WHAT. Kenny and Bibi start making out and I AM HERE FOR IT. Never mind that Kenny all of the sudden has half of Paradise vying for his attention. SAVE OUR GIRL, KENNY. I beg of you.

Jackie grabs Kenny next and is like “I hope you’ll still give me a chance now that I just turned 27. I read an article in the New York Times that says I’m past my prime now.”

ME:

Um, this man is the father of a 12-year-old college graduate, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t give a sh*t if you’re old enough to pay for your own health insurance now.

Meanwhile, David pulls Jenna aside and gives her a giant-ass stuffed animal for her birthday. Omg. It’s literally a washed-up street dog. What was that, like, the only available thing in the prop room?

Jordan is piiissseddd. He starts dragging the dog down the beach AND THROWS IT INTO THE OCEAN. That is actually so f*cked up. I mean have I done the same thing to my ex-boyfriend’s beloved Kurt Cobain T-shirt after he dumped me in the middle of a beer pong game freshman year? Yes. That’s neither here nor there.

Jordan is losing it and starts going OFF on Chelsea and Jubilee. And it’s, like, Jordan, you can’t start yelling insults at women to their faces. This isn’t MTV.

ANNALIESE: I would not be with a man who speaks to me that way. Nope. JORDAN: Will you accept this rose? ANNALIESE: Omg I would be honored. JORDAN: Sike!

Eric confronts Jordan and tells him he needs to apologize to all the ladies or else. Damn. I forgot how attractive Eric is. There’s just something about a man treating women like actual human beings instead of just props for their next Instagram post that’s so… sexy. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic like that!

@ericbigger, better, badder! 📸:@ericbigger

A post shared by Bachelor in Paradise (@bachelorinparadise) on Aug 20, 2018 at 5:49pm PDT

Eric is the perfect man. I rest my case.

Chris Harrison hauls ass and shows up at the rose ceremony before any other drunken fights can break out. F*cking finally, Chris! The rose ceremony goes as such:

Jordan picks Jenna, who can barely open her eyes with all of that glue holding her eyelashes on. It’s possible she doesn’t even know Jordan is the one who picked her. Who can say.

David picks Chelsea.

Kevin picks Astrid.

Chris picks Krystal. God help her.

John picks Jubilee.

Joe picks Kendall.

Colton picks Tia. Vomit.

Eric picks Angela.

Kenny picks Annaliese. WAIT WHAT. HOW. OVER BIBIANA. How f*cking dare you.

And on that note, I’m out y’all. I have to go try and not have nightmares about Jordan chasing people in the rain. BYE.

Images: Giphy (5) @bachelorinsider /Instagram (1); @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1)

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=34514

[smokeybrandcompositions]

One Goddamn Weekend

Boy, did i have myself a weekend, man. SO. MANY. ISSUES. That ain’t even MY issue! Look, i get the attraction to crazy chicks. I do. The woman i love is a special kind of nuts. The thing is, though, she wants to be better. She takes steps to cope and heal. I understand it’ll never be good but it’s much better than it use to be. The pain never goes away, i know that from experience, but you learn to deal, if you want to deal. My brother’s chick? nope. Se flat out doesn’t WAN to be better. At all. She wants to spazz out, throw tantrums like a child, and then expect everyone to just ignore the fact she’s been intentionally destructive and console her shenanigans. It’s wild. Keep in mind, this chick is 19, legal adult.

Friday

Chick tried to actively convince me that my little brother, a kid i raised myself and her current boyfriend, dosed her with stimulants because he wanted someone to be awake with him. And she just sad okay. See, this scenario is faulty. My brother would never unknowingly dose someone with any thing because it’s a scummy ass move. He’ll share what he has with you if you ask, letting you know there might be a little extra in it because he’s not trying to go to jail. She rinks it and promptly stays up all day, after staying up all night at work. She also had to work that Friday night, too so No sleep for the wicked. i guess.

My brother is kind of the complex handyman now so he ha to run around all day getting stuff to fix things. This chick inserts herself into this situation because she can’t be without him for more than an hour without melting down. She immediately tries to take everything over because she’s kind of overbearing that way. This grates on my brother’s nerves and she takes it as a slight, like he’s not being attentive to her feelings. She’s literally interrupting his job. He gets back home, upset, but tolerates her as he fixes this house.

His friend shows up to take him to another kind of a celebration/birthday party for a cat we haven’t seen in a month because he’s been training as a firefighter. As he gets ready to go, she’s like, “Cuddle me for five minutes.” My brother said “No” because he was on his ride’s schedule. This turns into some ridiculous argument and she throws a tantrum. My brother leaves because who the f*ck wants to deal with a child, right? So she comes in and makes this MY f*cking problem. Literally yelling and crying an punching walls and sh*t. For hours. HOURS.

Eventually, my brother comes back to deal with this sh*t becuase i told him to come back and deal with this sh*t. So, instead of talking this nonsense out like a rational adult, She f*cking takes all of her anti-depressants and runs off toward the bridge. She’d rather kill herself than act like a goddamn adult. but not really. The entire time she was off running toward her great plunge, she kept looking back to see if anyone was following her.

No one was following her.

I’ve known this chick since December and in that time, i have personally talked her off of/picked her up from this suicide bridge 4 goddamn times. She’s not going to kill herself. She doesn’t have the heart to o it. This is all literally theatrics and emotional terrorism. The thing is, my brother and i, we don’t have emotions like that. I told her that when she first said she wanted to be with my brother. Literally sat her down and explained to her that we are not these other cats she’s dated. We do not care if you want to spazz out and act an ass. That sh*t doesn’t solve anything and it just makes you look like an asshole. So my brother leaves again. Blocks her calls. tells her to make a decision. SO she calls me. I literally tell her the same thing. When she realizes no one is biting, she comes home an tries to “throw up” these pills.

She didn’t throw-up an pills. Chick literally sat next to the toilet until she heard the volume on my TV come back on and then started wretched so loud it drowned out my TV. So i just turned it up. Honestly, i don’t think she took any of the pills. i confiscated the bottles and they were both pretty full but i digress. Who am i to call bullsh*t on someone’s suicide attempt.

Bullsh*t.

So she spazzes out all night. Literally didn’t get any sleep until the next morning. Missed work because i didn’t get enough rest over this chick’s nonsense. it was f*cking stupid. all night, man. My entire friday night was litstening to her sob about how my brother is the worst.

She cried to her best friend about it. Her ex-boyfriend (who beat and choked her regularly) about it. My brother’s best friend. Literally anyone who would listen? defamation on my brother’s name. It was f*cking ridiculous. All night. in between fits of ugly sobbing. and punching my walls. and breaking sh*t. All night, man. Which leads me into Saturday!

Saturday

My brother comes home Saturday morning and she storms out of the room. After screaming at him at the top of her lungs. my brother, sensing there is no sense to be had, goes to sleep. He takes offense to this and runs into the arms of a guy who she tried to f*ck before.

I wake my brother up to finish this job and ask where his chick is. He doesn’t know. She's grown. Assumed she’s doing adult things. Nope. She’s being as petty and childish as possible. Literally with his friends, salting his name. all goddamn day. My brother doesn’t care. Cat’s gonna shoot they shot. If she let’s it in, she’s not worth. If she doesn’t she’s a keeper. Simple as that. Not to this chick. She wants him to be violently jealous and fight his friends. Whom he’s known for DECADES. Over her. Come on, man?

So she comes home with an attitude. My brother decided to leave and take care of some other stuff. She sat here and stewed in her own stupid f*cking feelings. For hours. Hours. 10 o clock rolls around and she loses it. My brother has apparently been gone for 8 hours or some sh*t at this point and that’s just TOO much for her. HE was actually trying to get the car he bought her fixed and mobile this entire time, mind you, a fact which he told her. several times. Does this matter? nope. Straight nuclear, this chick goes.

From 10 pm Saturday night until 7 am Sunday morning, i sh*t you not, violent sobbing and tantrums. ALL. F*CKING. NIGHT.

In this time, an entire work shift, she spazzed out and blamed my brother for her depression spiral, shot self esteem, paranoia, the loss of her job, and various other things that are a result of her directly making stupid f*cking decisions. The logic gymnastics were amazing and stupid. She punched walls, broke bottles, and cut herself apparently. The performance was full of stupid and passion, i’ll give her that.

After a rocky start to Sunday morning, she calmed down a bit. i guess. i don’t know. i ignored her for most of the day. Couple hours pass, i think we good. Wrong.

Motherf*cking SUNDAY, man

Apparently there’s beef with some cat my brother knows. Threats were exchanged over the internet. chick is getting mad hype for no reason, like almost frothing at the mouth. Culminates into cats getting pulled up on. My brother asked me to drive him out to this cats job, to which i laughed in his face. F*ck no, i’m not doing that. the hell i look like? Eventually, the dude in question with the problem actively apologizes and squashes the beef. My brother agrees. Situation deescalated and done with. For this chick though? NOPE.

She’s DISAPPOINTED there’s no bloodshed. She’s mad at my brother for SQUASHING the beef. Motherf*ckers were threatening him with straight up maiming and murder and he took that situation down to 0 and she’s mad? the f*ck man??

Chick is literally running around here calling my brother a b*tch in so many words, questioning his manhood, disrespecting him in front of anyone in earshot. She’s on the phone with her friend, who has been abreast of the situation and is actively telling her to calm down, that she’s in the wrong, but nope. Her words, and i quote, “F*ck that, i’ll go to jail tonight! motherf*ckers forget b*tches is crazy!”

Like, the situation is over and she won’t LET IT BE OVER. My brother has fixed everything this chick f*cked up this weekend but she is just not letting it go. She’s not letting it stay fixed. Why?? Why won’t this just take??

Look, i get it. Mental illness is a motherf*cker. I know for a fact it is. I’m a high functioning sociopath with borderline personality disorder. Like, i could be an active serial killer if i wanted. I don’t because i check my crazy. i don’t want to be that person. I want to be able to function as best i can as a person. and that’s the key.  I don’t use my issues as an excuse to be reckless, disrespectful, and cruel. This chick though? this 19 year old child? nah. This chick is f*cking ridiculous and she’s unapologetic about it. Absolutely refuses any semblance of responsibility. I took her in to give her a solid place where she could grow and get better. she’s done everything in her power to turn that olive branch into f*cking splinters in ONE GODDAMN WEEKEND. ONE. GODDAMN. WEEKEND.

[smokeybrand]

One Goddamn Weekend

Boy, did i have myself a weekend, man. SO. MANY. ISSUES. That ain’t even MY issue! Look, i get the attraction to crazy chicks. I do. The woman i love is a special kind of nuts. The thing is, though, she wants to be better. She takes steps to cope and heal. I understand it’ll never be good but it’s much better than it use to be. The pain never goes away, i know that from experience, but you learn to deal, if you want to deal. My brother’s chick? nope. Se flat out doesn’t WAN to be better. At all. She wants to spazz out, throw tantrums like a child, and then expect everyone to just ignore the fact she’s been intentionally destructive and console her shenanigans. It’s wild. Keep in mind, this chick is 19, legal adult.

Friday

Chick tried to actively convince me that my little brother, a kid i raised myself and her current boyfriend, dosed her with stimulants because he wanted someone to be awake with him. And she just sad okay. See, this scenario is faulty. My brother would never unknowingly dose someone with any thing because it’s a scummy ass move. He’ll share what he has with you if you ask, letting you know there might be a little extra in it because he’s not trying to go to jail. She rinks it and promptly stays up all day, after staying up all night at work. She also had to work that Friday night, too so No sleep for the wicked. i guess.

My brother is kind of the complex handyman now so he ha to run around all day getting stuff to fix things. This chick inserts herself into this situation because she can’t be without him for more than an hour without melting down. She immediately tries to take everything over because she’s kind of overbearing that way. This grates on my brother’s nerves and she takes it as a slight, like he’s not being attentive to her feelings. She’s literally interrupting his job. He gets back home, upset, but tolerates her as he fixes this house.

His friend shows up to take him to another kind of a celebration/birthday party for a cat we haven’t seen in a month because he’s been training as a firefighter. As he gets ready to go, she’s like, “Cuddle me for five minutes.” My brother said “No” because he was on his ride’s schedule. This turns into some ridiculous argument and she throws a tantrum. My brother leaves because who the f*ck wants to deal with a child, right? So she comes in and makes this MY f*cking problem. Literally yelling and crying an punching walls and sh*t. For hours. HOURS.

Eventually, my brother comes back to deal with this sh*t becuase i told him to come back and deal with this sh*t. So, instead of talking this nonsense out like a rational adult, She f*cking takes all of her anti-depressants and runs off toward the bridge. She’d rather kill herself than act like a goddamn adult. but not really. The entire time she was off running toward her great plunge, she kept looking back to see if anyone was following her.

No one was following her.

I’ve known this chick since December and in that time, i have personally talked her off of/picked her up from this suicide bridge 4 goddamn times. She’s not going to kill herself. She doesn’t have the heart to o it. This is all literally theatrics and emotional terrorism. The thing is, my brother and i, we don’t have emotions like that. I told her that when she first said she wanted to be with my brother. Literally sat her down and explained to her that we are not these other cats she’s dated. We do not care if you want to spazz out and act an ass. That sh*t doesn’t solve anything and it just makes you look like an asshole. So my brother leaves again. Blocks her calls. tells her to make a decision. SO she calls me. I literally tell her the same thing. When she realizes no one is biting, she comes home an tries to “throw up” these pills.

She didn’t throw-up an pills. Chick literally sat next to the toilet until she heard the volume on my TV come back on and then started wretched so loud it drowned out my TV. So i just turned it up. Honestly, i don’t think she took any of the pills. i confiscated the bottles and they were both pretty full but i digress. Who am i to call bullsh*t on someone’s suicide attempt.

Bullsh*t.

So she spazzes out all night. Literally didn’t get any sleep until the next morning. Missed work because i didn’t get enough rest over this chick’s nonsense. it was f*cking stupid. all night, man. My entire friday night was litstening to her sob about how my brother is the worst.

She cried to her best friend about it. Her ex-boyfriend (who beat and choked her regularly) about it. My brother’s best friend. Literally anyone who would listen? defamation on my brother’s name. It was f*cking ridiculous. All night. in between fits of ugly sobbing. and punching my walls. and breaking sh*t. All night, man. Which leads me into Saturday!

Saturday

My brother comes home Saturday morning and she storms out of the room. After screaming at him at the top of her lungs. my brother, sensing there is no sense to be had, goes to sleep. He takes offense to this and runs into the arms of a guy who she tried to f*ck before.

I wake my brother up to finish this job and ask where his chick is. He doesn’t know. She's grown. Assumed she’s doing adult things. Nope. She’s being as petty and childish as possible. Literally with his friends, salting his name. all goddamn day. My brother doesn’t care. Cat’s gonna shoot they shot. If she let’s it in, she’s not worth. If she doesn’t she’s a keeper. Simple as that. Not to this chick. She wants him to be violently jealous and fight his friends. Whom he’s known for DECADES. Over her. Come on, man?

So she comes home with an attitude. My brother decided to leave and take care of some other stuff. She sat here and stewed in her own stupid f*cking feelings. For hours. Hours. 10 o clock rolls around and she loses it. My brother has apparently been gone for 8 hours or some sh*t at this point and that’s just TOO much for her. HE was actually trying to get the car he bought her fixed and mobile this entire time, mind you, a fact which he told her. several times. Does this matter? nope. Straight nuclear, this chick goes.

From 10 pm Saturday night until 7 am Sunday morning, i sh*t you not, violent sobbing and tantrums. ALL. F*CKING. NIGHT.

In this time, an entire work shift, she spazzed out and blamed my brother for her depression spiral, shot self esteem, paranoia, the loss of her job, and various other things that are a result of her directly making stupid f*cking decisions. The logic gymnastics were amazing and stupid. She punched walls, broke bottles, and cut herself apparently. The performance was full of stupid and passion, i’ll give her that.

After a rocky start to Sunday morning, she calmed down a bit. i guess. i don’t know. i ignored her for most of the day. Couple hours pass, i think we good. Wrong.

Motherf*cking SUNDAY, man

Apparently there’s beef with some cat my brother knows. Threats were exchanged over the internet. chick is getting mad hype for no reason, like almost frothing at the mouth. Culminates into cats getting pulled up on. My brother asked me to drive him out to this cats job, to which i laughed in his face. F*ck no, i’m not doing that. the hell i look like? Eventually, the dude in question with the problem actively apologizes and squashes the beef. My brother agrees. Situation deescalated and done with. For this chick though? NOPE.

She’s DISAPPOINTED there’s no bloodshed. She’s mad at my brother for SQUASHING the beef. Motherf*ckers were threatening him with straight up maiming and murder and he took that situation down to 0 and she’s mad? the f*ck man??

Chick is literally running around here calling my brother a b*tch in so many words, questioning his manhood, disrespecting him in front of anyone in earshot. She’s on the phone with her friend, who has been abreast of the situation and is actively telling her to calm down, that she’s in the wrong, but nope. Her words, and i quote, “F*ck that, i’ll go to jail tonight! motherf*ckers forget b*tches is crazy!”

Like, the situation is over and she won’t LET IT BE OVER. My brother has fixed everything this chick f*cked up this weekend but she is just not letting it go. She’s not letting it stay fixed. Why?? Why won’t this just take??

Look, i get it. Mental illness is a motherf*cker. I know for a fact it is. I’m a high functioning sociopath with borderline personality disorder. Like, i could be an active serial killer if i wanted. I don’t because i check my crazy. i don’t want to be that person. I want to be able to function as best i can as a person. and that’s the key.  I don’t use my issues as an excuse to be reckless, disrespectful, and cruel. This chick though? this 19 year old child? nah. This chick is f*cking ridiculous and she’s unapologetic about it. Absolutely refuses any semblance of responsibility. I took her in to give her a solid place where she could grow and get better. she’s done everything in her power to turn that olive branch into f*cking splinters in ONE GODDAMN WEEKEND. ONE. GODDAMN. WEEKEND.