#fair share of agonised comments attached

[corviiids]

rook i just want you to know that i showed your code strife to my programmer brother and this is what he said

SHUT UP THIS CALLED ME OUT SO BAD

[kouxbe]

ah, yuwol spoils kou. and kou allows him to, no he wants him to. with the way he tilts his head slightly so that yuwol can get a better hold of it, so that he can feel yuwol a little more. he does pout a bit though at the mention of them doing it often. do they? kou doesn’t think so. if anything he thinks they could be doing it a lot more, every second that he isn’t with yuwol feels almost agonising and while he knows that this isn’t completely healthy ( what a great attachment style! ) he doesn’t think much about how to fix it. 

“we don’t do it that much…” he says, voice soft. “we do it as much as the average couple… i think… maybe a little more?” he continues, only realising that he’d called both him and yuwol a couple seconds after speaking. they weren’t though – they never quite had the conversation and while it most definitely was something that surfaced kou’s mind ever so often, ( what are we? we sleep together, we hold hands, we kiss… what are we? ) he hasn’t quite asked yuwol. and he believes that now would be an even more terrible time to ask, especially in the midst of next gen. after all, kou hadn’t pushed for an answer when he’d first confessed, never pushed for an answer when they first slept together, and all the times after that. instead he’d deluded himself into thinking that he’d be fine like this. 

yet with yuwol’s hand on his head, the both of them sharing a conversation too intimate to be between just friends – the question lingers in his mind a little longer. he blinks, tries his best not to let it show that he’d slipped up unknowingly. instead he leans, just slightly closer, lips inches away from yuwol’s ear. “but you like it when i’m rough?” he says – careful not to let anyone else hear their conversation. 

still, yuwol has a point, and as much as kou hates the idea of not being able to sleep with yuwol, he’s determined to help yuwol in any way that he can for next gen. and so he relents and nods. “mm… okay, we don’t need to get them now. i don’t trust us enough not to use them if we get them,” he admits. which he believes is fair. crazy as it is, the both of them can’t seem to keep their hands off each other ( though this may mostly be kou’s fault ) – and that in itself was something a little bit embarrassing to admit out loud. “ah but you’re right… you need to dance and conquer next gen,” he smiles, the thought of yuwol going on next gen felt more important to kou than life itself. and so he crosses condoms off the list of things to get. next time, once next gen is over. he’s determined.

“i wonder if my marks are still there. i just left them a few days ago,” he comments almost nonchalantly as he takes a look at the basket of items that they’ve gotten. it should be enough, he thinks. “okay, i think we’ve got everything. we can buy rice another time,” he hums under his breath, and almost instinctively he reaches out for yuwol’s hand to hold. only stopping when he realises where they are. he freezes and pulls his hand away, instead pretending to grab something nearby. “uh… should we go pay?” he asks, cheeks a little flushed from embarrassment.

"it must've been hard," yuwol replies. he hadn't exactly kept up with the previous season when it was airing, despite knowing a few of the people who signed up as participants. it's not that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't have the attention span for it. now that he's a contestant himself, he watched back on a few episodes, hoping to find something that would help him for the next mission. that meant he'd seen kou in the roster, among others. "you've done a lot to improve, though. maybe i'll take you up on those home lessons another day. today... my limbs are screaming." it felt like they were, with how they're burning.

yuwol isn't surprised when kou starts dragging him around the store, which draws a laugh out of him. it's like they're grocery shopping together, it's so uncharacteristically domestic. he's not used to it—he never would be, he believes, but the more he spends time with kou, the more this is becoming his new normal. yuwol doesn't complain, he allows kou to take him around, watching as kou fills up their basket with different things.

the younger talks about muscle patches, and yuwol listens. "it's okay, i think i can put them on myself. i need to learn how to on my own, especially if i'm going to... stick around." the truth is, yuwol doesn't exactly believe he'd make it to the last episode in the first place. it's not because of the harsh judgement tanking his motivation and self-confidence—there are others with stronger desires to be idols, whereas yuwol signed himself up for a reason that's a little more abstract. but he does want to be better. he wants to try.

he doesn't make any comments about what kou is adding to the cart, until they reach the fruit aisle. it's only then that yuwol squints, grimacing slightly. "i don't think i'm going to win," yuwol says in a mumble, but kou probably wouldn't take too kindly to that rebuttal. instead, yuwol tries to—discreetly—put a few of the fruits back into the shelves. not all, because then kou would be suspicious or even outright say something about it, but yuwol thinks he can handle that. he can maneuver his way through that conversation, since kou... has a soft spot for him ( and he's only starting to realize this recently ).

eventually, kou is pulling him into a corner, which is cause for concern. before he could ask though, kou is whispering into his ear, lips brushing against it. yuwol, caught slightly off guard, flinches. even more so after he registers what kou had just said.

no one can blame yuwol for having his cheeks heat up, despite how direct kou always is he hadn't expected kou to bluntly request they buy condoms. in a convenience store, no less. like he's simply checking off a list of items in his head. knowing kou, that's probably how he sees it. but, as embarrassing as it is—kou isn't wrong, they've been sleeping together far more often than he thought they would. the problem is, yuwol had never been good at saying no to kou. that, and—it's fun; it makes him feel alive. every mark kou leaves behind is another sign he's alive.

ah, but. "we could... but we shouldn't be doing it as often." he keeps his voice soft too, he doesn't want anyone that happens to pass by to hear what they're talking about. as much as he can, he tries to keep it vague. "you're always... rough, and i need to be able to walk and dance for the upcoming weeks." even saying that is enough to make yuwol feel bad, so he remembers to ruffle kou's hair alongside his words, hoping it'd be reassuring enough. because it's not that he dislikes how kou touches him ( honestly, that's far from the truth ), circumstances are simply not in their favour right now.

"we can get them another time. or we could get them now, and save them for... later." he never thought he'd be discussing things like these, especially in an open space. this is normal, right? it is, but yuwol isn't sure himself. even with his previous relationship, his only other relationship, it was never this intense ( and they aren't even... in a relationship ).

[taronfanfic]

Fast Forward

Chapter 10

There was another hour left on the clock before your alarm was due to go off, but you were already wide awake and sat in the kitchen nursing a warm cup of tea whilst you attempted to decide what to have for breakfast. It didn’t feel like you’d slept well at all. This time tomorrow your Dad would be going under the knife, and a few hours after that you’d be leaving work and heading straight to the station whether you’d managed to sort things out with Taron or not. As you looked back on how the conversation had gone the night before it didn’t fill you with confidence. The comment you’d made about looking forward to getting time apart hadn’t rattled him in the way you’d hoped. Even telling him you’d be away for a week hadn’t got the reaction you’d expected! His mind was well and truly elsewhere and it was worrying as fuck.

“Morning.” He croaked out, his eyes still sleepy, bed hair messy and boxers sitting so low on his hips that it must have been uncomfortable for him as he walked over to join you.

“What are you doing up?”

“Looking for you. Can I have a sip?” He nodded down to your tea and you handed it over to him before adjusting the waistband of his boxers and pulling them higher up for him. “Thanks.”

“You look so cute in the mornings, it’s not fair.”

“Does that mean you’re not angry with me anymore?” He placed the mug down in front of you before stroking his fingers through your hair and leaving a soft kiss to the top of your head.

“Mmmm, depends,” You waited for him to sit down opposite you, “you gonna tell me what’s going on now?” The wait for his reply was agonising and he wasn’t giving anything away as he paused and seemed to double check his own decision.

“I wish I could, I really do. I can promise you that it’s nothing bad though so please don’t worry.” There was a sincerity in his eyes that wasn’t there the night before. He wasn’t being shifty or dishonest about whatever this was, but he was determined to hold back the truth from you.  

“Can you at least tell me why you can’t tell me?”

“Because…” He paused and laughed to himself. “No, I know what you’re trying to do here and I’m not budging. I’m not going to say a word. You’ll see though, in time.”

“How much time?”

“A bit.” He laughed again.

“Like, by the time I get back next week, or Christmas, or?” You smirked back as you deliberately started to tease him.

“Just soon!”

“It’s something to do with our anniversary though, right?” The worries you’d felt earlier had been flipped on their head. There was no doubt in your mind that the cheeky grin spread across Taron’s face meant mischief was on the cards, and mischief was exciting.

“Stoooop.” He giggled. “Why weren’t you like this last night? I could have just tickled you to shut you up and then we could have had sex.”

“I’m sorry. I was having a bit of a freak out… Thinking the worst and stuff.”

“I know.” He rolled his eyes at you before dropping all the teasing and switching to a completely serious expression. “You had me properly worried, saying you didn’t think you could trust me. I was really starting to panic… you don’t still think that now do you?”

“No. Well… no, I can tell you’re distracted with whatever else is going on and it was concerning for a bit. My mind is in the habit of jumping to the worst-case scenario right now. But you’ve said it’s nothing bad, and nothing I need to worry about, and I believe you. I trust you. I do. You’re just bad at hiding things!”

“I know, I know. I can’t keep good secrets to save my life. I get too excited and have to tell someone.” He tried to hide his grin behind his hands as he rested his elbows on the table.

“So you told the boys.”

“Yeah.” He blushed. “But they think it’s brilliant too, so it’s all good.”

“Alright, I’ll drop it and stop bugging you. At least now I can go away next week knowing I don’t need to worry about what you’re up to.”

“You don’t need to worry about a thing.”

“Only my Dad, but I know what you’ll say, and I know I’m stuck thinking negatively right now so ignore me.” You shook your head to Taron as you stood up from your chair to stop him from replying. “It’s not your problem.” The kiss you left to his lips was slow and meaningful, hopefully adding to your apology and making up for hurting him with your fears. As he kissed you back you felt the tension drop from your shoulders. Things might not be going as smoothly between you as you’d like, but at the end of it all you knew you both loved each other and wanted each other to be happy. That’s what really counted.

***

The first time you noticed the sadness in Taron’s eyes was when you pulled your small suitcase down from the top of the wardrobe and placed it on the end of the bed so you could start packing. He was sat up in bed and had been deeply engrossed in his book until you unzipped the case and flipped open the lid. You paused as you looked back to him, waiting for him to say what was on his mind, but he only cast you a weak smile before returning to the words on the pages of his book. Packing was an easy task as you weren’t going to need anything fancy to wear so you threw a load of jeans, t-shirts and hoodies into the case before lingering at the end of the bed.

“Can I take these to sleep in?” You asked as you held up his favourite pair of boxers and the t-shirt he’d slept in the night before.

“Do you have to?” Taron replied as he placed his book face down on the bed next to him so he didn’t lose his page.

“Well no, but it would be nice.”

“Yeah, for you maybe, but what about me?” He pouted.

“You’ve got the entire rest of my wardrobe to pick from when you get lonely… underwear included!”

“I didn’t mean like that, I meant knowing you’re sleeping in my boxers and t-shirt… it’s only going to make it harder for me. That image alone, those memories, and then you won’t even be here!”

“I’m sorry, love.” You stepped around the bed and cupped his sorrow face between your hands. “What if I take a shirt instead? No memories attached.” You kissed him tenderly until his face softened back to something happier.

“Go on then, take my navy one.” He agreed.

“Maybe I’ll send you some photos when I’m wearing it.”

“Or as you’re taking it off?”

“See, we can still make things exciting.” As you dropped your eyes slowly down his body Taron started to laugh back to you. He watched you continue to pack for a bit longer before returning to his book, but the tension held between his eyebrows was a telling sign that he’d not got everything off his chest yet. You knew you couldn’t push him to speak about it, but time wasn’t on your side.

Taron seemed to follow you around the flat like a lost puppy, not helping you to tidy up or clean the kitchen but lingering a few feet away as he stared into space or let his eyes follow you around the room. He wasn’t settled in the slightest and it left you feeling on edge. You wanted to tell him to spit it out, to hear how much he was going to miss you, or didn’t want you to go, or probably wanted to take the week off work too and come with you. But you had to let him pick his moment else he’d get irritated and you’d end up arguing again. As the late evening hours hit you called it a night and got ready for bed before joining Taron beneath the covers and instantly cuddling yourself in against his chest. It was a conscious decision to keep out of his eyeline in the hope that he’d take the last chance he had on offer to get his feelings off his chest, and you breathed a sigh of relief when he finally did.

“I feel like I miss you already and you’re still here.” His arms tightened around you as you softly drew your fingers up and down his back, deliberately not replying so his train of thought could flow. “I used to worry that we were spending too much time together. I thought it must be unhealthy and that we’d fuck it all up from being too intense, but at the same time it felt so right. When you went away the other weekend it was horrible. Like half of me was missing.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You asked softly.

“Because you’d had a really shit time and didn’t need me adding to it.”

“I’m sorry I was such a mess. I never want you to feel like you can’t tell me things.”

“Don’t, it wasn’t your fault, and I’m telling you now. I just don’t know how I’m going to cope for a whole week without you this time. It’s worrying me that I don’t know how I’ll be.”

“You’ll be absolutely fine.” You reassured him instantly. “I’ll be glued to my phone. We’ll be texting constantly and can facetime in bed.”

“I’m just gonna miss you so fucking much.”

“As will I.” You lifted your head up so you could kiss him, savouring the feel of his warm lips against yours. The pause after the kiss was just as perfect; both of you taking in the details of each other’s faces before kissing softly again.

“Damn your parents for taking you away from me.”

“Not you as well,” You sighed with a small smile. “It’s all I hear from them, how you’ve stolen me away and they never see me anymore. You’re both going to have to learn to share because I’m sick of being pulled in two directions at once.”

“I know, I’ve been greedy. But it’s hard when I know you’d much rather be with me than with them.”

“Well hold onto that thought for the next week and I’ll be back before you know it.” You took the next kiss Taron had on offer and felt him smile against your lips. “I love you, but I need to be with my parents and make sure they’re alright.”

“I know, if it was my Mum I’d be doing the same. I just wanted you to know how much I’ll miss you.”

“You’re cute.” You mumbled back against his skin as you buried your face into his neck and hugged him as tightly as you could.

“And you’re perfect.”

It wasn’t long before the sweet kisses shared between you started to deepen. Hands gripped tighter and explored lower, legs parted to allow you to fit together seamlessly and Taron started to move in you as you made love for the last time before you’d be apart.

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[whitewolfofwinterfell]

💘choose five of your own favourite edits and do a short commentary on each, write what you absolutely loved about it as well as what you’d do now in order to improve and other comments!💘 tag ten mutuals of yours to provide an opportunity to amazing content creators such as yourself to appreciate their edits and spread love!!

Tagged by @sulietsexual, thank you, my lovely ❤️

Generally, I consider myself as a very modest person, but it was so difficult to narrow this down to five choices. I think it’s because of the time, effort and dedication that goes into making edits and the personal meaning they can hold, it’s like choosing your five favourite photographs from your life. I selected ones based on personal attachment instead of the ones I’m proud of because they’re pretty (not that there’s many of those haha). Anyways here they are in no particular order:

1. ‘Maybe love is like rain’ (Game of Thrones)

I love this little poem because I think it’s a lovely description of what love is and can be, and the metaphor of rain encapsulates it really well. The original place where I saw this poem used is still to this day one of my favourite edits and it was the inspiration for my edit. This is one of those edits that I actually took time to plan out. I carefully selected the characters/relationships I wanted to use for each line and tried to select scenes that I felt best reflected the lines associated with them. Because GOT has so many characters and relationships, it was a huge challenge to try and represent as many of the characters and relationships from the show as possible. It was also hard to be fair and to not let any of my shipper biases get in the way, but I was so pleased with the end result. Hopefully when people see that edit they can understand why I chose each scenes to go with the line they are with.

2. Prue Halliwell character profile (Charmed)

Prue Halliwell owns my heart, anyone and everyone that follows me or has ever looked on my blog for a second will know that. I planned out this gifset about a year ago and spent time over the months taking personality tests (as Prue ofc) and reading various trivia about Prue and personality types to create this gifset. Once I’d chosen the details I wanted to include, I picked out the key words I wanted to use and then the scenes that I felt best fit with each type. I agonised for so long over scene choice and for anybody else that sees it they might not necessarily see that, but each scene was carefully selected. So I guess you could say this gifset is double-y special for me because it’s dedicated to my favourite character but I also put my heart into planning and making this edit. And unlike a lot of the other gifsets I plan out, I was satisfied with the end result. 

3. Gemma and Tara parallels (Sons of Anarchy)

You may see a pattern emerging here, but this is one of my favourite edits I’ve made because of the time and effort that went into planning it. On one of my many SOA rewatches during a scene in season 6 where Tara says “You’ve been my teacher, Gemma, my old lady coach” I was struck with inspiration to make this. I find it so ironic that Tara started out the series loathing Gemma and everything she stands for, yet as the seasons progressed, Tara began to morph into Gemma. The problem I had was actually finding direct scenes that paralleled one another to reflect these similarities they had. It took me a long while to fish out these scenes and I was really happy with the end result because I feel like it accomplished exactly what I wanted to achive by showing those similarities Gemma and Tara shared, and how Tara’s evolution in some ways mirrored Gemma’s, despite them being on different trajectories. 

4. Game of Thrones autumn

Honestly, I’m just so damn proud of the colouring on this gifset. Not to toot my own horn, but I think it’s really pretty and considering I was still so new to colouring my own gifs I’m so impressed with the outcome. Looking back at it now, I’d probably make the colours a bit more consistent if I made it again, but in a way I think the fact that it’s different shades/tones of red, yellow and orange makes it look more authentic and autumn-y. 

5. Daenerys Nikita Gill phoenix poem (Game of Thrones)

This edit has the most notes I’ve ever got on anything ever, but that’s not the reason it’s one of my favourites. I like this edit because, once again, I put a lot of thought and effort into planning and making it. The second I saw the poem Daenerys came to my mind and I knew I needed to make an edit, so I do what I always do when I’m struck by inspiration (I’d be curious to know if anyone else does this btw?) and wrote out the poem in the notes on my phone, then I split it up into different lines for each gif and started to brainstorm scenes that would fit with each line. For other editors, you’ll all know that sometimes when you make edits using poems, quotes or lyrics it can be impossible to find a scene that specifically fits with a certain line, so you just kinda have to pick any random one. But I feel like this is one of my edits where every single scene fits with the line and I love that with just 7 gifs I was able to tell a story and encapsulate Dany’s character and arc. 

I’m tagging @rebeccabunchs @lea-dilallo-rights  It’s late and I’m tired so I can’t think who else to tag, but honestly, all content creators should do this - it’s fun and it’s good to reflect on and appreciate all of the hard work, effort, creativity and skill that goes into making them (particularly since it’s something that seems to be less appreciated by others in recent times)

[charlottebent-blog]

Ridiculous Rituals

It’s the night before my weekly weigh-in and it seems, for once, that I’m reasonably calm. I find comfort in the fact that I will be reunited with Paula’s reassurance and ‘life is shit’ motto. However, despite the familiarity of this frequent procedure, I still feel somewhat nervous - an underlying fear of the scales.

Cockiness has previously come back to bite me on the bum (my hollow pancake bum), as if to say 'this gaining weight malarkey is a bit too consistent, let’s throw you a curveball’. Weeks when I’ve put in ultimate anti-anorexia efforts (i.e. covering everything in peanut butter and/or custard, and not kicking up a fuss when told I’m going out for breakfast) have disappointedly resulted in weight loss. Contrastingly, weeks when I’ve reverted back to compensation and restriction have caused an icky weight gain. It’s like my body has the same hatred for me as I do for sweet foods in savoury dishes i.e. pineapple on pizza, sweet and sour chicken. No, just no. They are different palates and therefore should be eaten separately. You don’t see people trying to use crisps as wafers in ice cream, or putting bacon on a cheesecake. It’s salt OR sugar, not to be used in union. I cannot express to you dear reader how wrong it truly is. It is essentially the same level of wrongness as incest. As you may have gathered I feel very passionate about the segregation of sweet and savoury, and could continue my argument until the cows come home. But I can already feel my blood boiling and my fists shuddering at the very thought of sultanas in my cous cous and so I must move on.Yes, my body is unpredictable. My weight pattern unstable. It’s believed my anorexia derives from my need to be in control and not being able to control my weight is quite honestly petrifying. When I think it’s going up it’s going down and vice versa. I can’t win. Something that helps ease the blow of recurring weigh-in’s is the maintenance of rituals prior to stepping onto the scales.

In school my favourite subjects were factual- where there was a clear, correct answer. A closed answer. Right or wrong, you knew where you stood.  I don’t like open-ended, or what if’s. I’ve never been one of those spontaneous 'f*** it’ kind of free-spirited souls. Sure I’ve had the odd crazy moment where I’ve said 'oh hell let’s just go to town and what happens happens’ (yes I know, off the scale crazyness). But in my head I’m calculating costs and timings and other practicalities i.e. when I next see facilities should I go even if I don’t need a wee (just in case I take another crazy spontaneous turn and end up stranded in the Sahara desert with not a portaloo in sight). I can inform you now that my last spur of the moment 'f*** it’ occasion resulted in me sitting in Costa with my friend, bitching about a bog-eyed Greek girl we used to go to school with (I often scare myself with my wild unruly demeanour). My point being: weigh-in’s are open-ended. I want to be reassured that it is food and only food that has changed my weight. If I can establish a correlation in food and weight gain I can gain a sense of control, as there is only one explanation for my weight fluctuation. However, ensuring that food is the only cause of flabby flobberness is essentially impossible - hence the pre-weighing rituals. By abiding my/Shanna’s absurd rules that help to rule out other factors, I feel in control of my fate when stepping on the scales. I now follow these rules instinctively, almost like OCD or a law, it’s second nature. Ignoring a rule you feel vulnerable, naked (like when you forget to wear your watch for a day) it’s obscure, and you anticipate that something bad is going to happen.

I’m being brave in sharing my rituals as a) I fail to recognise them myself majority of the time and b) by reading these you will truly see how boggled up my head is. It will also reassure you of your own sanity. So here they are my RIDICULOUS rituals:

1) I have what are known as 'safe clothes’. These are basically any items of clothing I own that are light/flimsy enough to display your bloomers on a breezy day (breezy weather-wise, not bottom). Thin clothing comforts me, I know that it won’t contribute to my weight (even if it means freezing my balls off in the process). Although I do believe the employees at the clinic are concerned about my limited wardrobe. I’ve never been interested in fashion (I live by the 'if it fits and costs less than 3 days worth of Starbucks that’ll do’ approach). Nor do I try to look remotely attractive - the effort to do so daily would be monumental and near enough impossible. So why am I worried that these people think I own 3 outfits?! Right now I have bigger concerns. Or maybe this is my fashionista wake-up call. It’s only recently I’ve noticed my natural miserable screensaver face and rather than getting wolf-whilsted at by pervy builder men in hard hats and white vans, I receive comments like 'cheer up love’ - something that’s designed to have the opposed effect. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll make my face up and wear a new outfit..(nah).

2) I absolutely HAVE to wee right before I’m weighed (in loo not in seat whilst telling Paula how shit my week has been). Although most days I do need it due to excessive coffee consumption/bumpy tram journey. It’s become somewhat of a habit, one which I’m sure has led Paula to believe I have an ongoing cystitis problem.

3) I cannot eat/drink anything that will make me even slightly full. Sadly this means even chewing gum. I know this sounds insane as it’s highly uncalorific and is scientifically unfeasible to cause any weight gain (unless I was to accumulate dried up pieces and stick them on me for buttock replacements) either way, it gives me peace of mind.

4) I remove as much clothing/jewellery as I feel is socially acceptable in this situation. This used to be just taking off my coat, but with feeling more comfortable I have been able to remove more layers as the weeks have gone on (like an agonising slow game of strip poker). Although I feel I have now reached a plateau in clothing removal, due to Paula becoming suspicious and not wanting to/having the confidence/feeling secure enough to spend my Monday morning’s stood in an alcohol and drug abuse centre in my Garfield underwear.

5) My hair cannot be tied up. To be fair I rarely  have it tied up as a result of pokey, pixie ears - something I undoubtedly inherited from my Mother (a woman who’s ears are so hefty she looks like she’s got weather balloons attached to her head). My reasoning behind this is that if I tie my hair up then it may tip to one side, and therefore impact the scales reading. This is highly unlikely. However, after losing 0.5kg the week after I had a mop chop  I was once again convinced of my hair’s influential control over my weight. Crazy or not, don’t judge me primarily by these rules. I too believe they are bizarre and illogical. This is how I separate her from me. These ideas are not mine, they are hers. Subconsciously fed to me. Yes, this defect is mine. But she is not. It angers me and makes me sad to think that she’ll always have had a part of my life. Even in years to come; I’ll always be that girl that had anorexia. However, surely that’ll be better than being that girl that has anorexia.