#fandom is dying and im just losing my mind here alone

[berrceste]

i love ultimate spider man i love danny rand i love luke cage i love ava ayala i love sam alexander i love mj watson i love harry osborn I LOVE PETER PARKER I LOVE MAY PARKER

THEY MEAN THE WORLD TO ME

so. if you ever want to talk about this show. please talk. i would be back there somewhere. listening and clapping for you. applauding. im out of words im sorry

[carinyms]

I've scrolled through a lot of discourse on episode 4 of Loki and I need to talk about it

(good lord its a whole essay im sorry)

I gave myself a headache from crying while watching this. (I joined the Loki fandom post-IW so I’ve never had to see him die before while emotionally invested and boy!!! Is it doing things to my fragile psyche!!). But now I’m rehydrated and more stable and ready to party so let’s go

Right off the bat, I loved this episode — loved it loved it loved it. Silly, manic in-shock Loki is gone and shit is getting real. My thought while watching this was truly “wow this is my favorite episode so far” and damn am I in a minority with this opinion lol.

So here’s my perspective on some of the discourse flying around, and just general thoughts

On the whole ‘Narcissist’ thing:

IMO, Mobius saying this means nothing: he’s mad and he’s spouted lies at Loki to push his buttons before (see: every interaction they’ve had since episode 1).

Loki saying this to Sif-- well, Loki is and always has been an unreliable narrator on himself. The major theme of this show is that he doesn’t really know who he is, deep down, and he’s trying to figure it out. The TVA is taking advantage of this, and even though he’s trying to stay above it all throughout the series, he's still in a really impressionable spot and absorbing what others tell him about himself. (not to mention this scene is literal torture and he’s already proven that he’ll say whatever he needs to to get out of it.)

But he does admit one true thing when he says “It’s because I’m scared of being alone.” (And like wow okay same don’t mind my tears) but here’s a big brain idea!

Sif pulls him up and says ‘You are alone, and you always will be’, which is like, WOW that’s cruel after what he said, but it makes me ask wonder: Sif is sentient in this scene, but obviously it’s not really her. Who’s controlling her? And why is it so important for them to make sure Loki thinks he’s alone? I’d go as far as to wager that Sif never even said this to Loki, the big bad made this up. (he admits he forgot about this ever happening, I doubt he’d remember what she said.)

I think the nexus event on Lamentis that caused the branch was two Loki’s joining sides. Or, Loki no longer being alone. Loki insists while talking to Mobius that “she’s not my partner!” but she was, and they were partners from the moment they grabbed hands on Lamentis — right when the timeline broke off. I think Loki variants teaming up is the biggest threat to whoever is pulling the strings here — that’s why the post-credit scene is so significant. (Is Loki the only person who has multiple variants of himself who've escaped the TVA?)

And here’s where I’m gonna get salty--so I apologize but i need to rant about this-- but it’s seriously pissing me off that so many people are intentionally reading this as Loki/Sylvie and then being mad about it when that’s clearly not what’s happening and why is everyone acting like Mobius with one angry jealous brain cell and no critical thinking about the context of the characters.

If people ship it that’s chill, but for the people who are against it—it’s clearly supposed to be platonic, and it’s so upsetting that in the year of our lord 2021 we still can’t have a man and woman hold hands without people saying it’s proof they want to f*ck each other, like what in the misogyny??? STOP. This show was written by a bi woman and Tom the-most-emotionally-sensitive-man-on-this-planet Hiddleston — let them display an intimate loving friendship goddammit. This isn’t romance, this is Loki learning how to admit he cares for someone who cares for him in return — something he hasn’t experienced a whole lot of and clearly doesn’t know how to navigate.

(You have permission to personally come at me if it actually turns out to be romantic by the end of the show—but as of right now I will die on this hill.)

Him putting his hands on her shoulders to me was a clear indication he wanted to hug her, and I’d like to think he would have told her he cares about her, and that they can figure it out together. Because these are two characters who’ve never had anyone else to rely on and trust, and for the first time they’re not alone.

And I have to think about what prompted this from Loki. He just lost Mobius the moment after he called him friend. The way I see it, he’s just realized the true gravity of what they’re up against, and Loki is suddenly very afraid of losing Sylvie too before he tells her cares about her, of dying truly alone because he never told anyone what they meant to him. (Don’t think about this in the context of him also having watched his entire family die knowing he never told Frigga or Thor how much he loved them either don’t think about it—) He’s realized, finally, that he has doesn’t have to be alone, that he can choose to be close to people and have friends. And god it’s so heartbreaking that he never got to hug her or have that moment with her. I really hope they get that in the end. I hope he gets it with Mobius. I hope they have a group hug. I'm upset again.

Okay, deep breath, ANYWAY.

Hopefully this didn’t come off as attacking anyone else’s opinions.

Personally, I love this character so much, I’m just so happy to be seeing him in his own storyline that they can’t go wrong here. Objectively I think the production is amazing, and personally I love they way Loki’s character has been explored so far. (Yea yea, was I HOPING that the bad-memory loop would morph into Sanctuary and Thanos and like a full exploration of his true worst memories? Yes but let’s be honest my whump needs will never be met in canon and I have to accept that lol.)

Honestly I left all my own meta about this character at the door when the series started, because for me the opinions I’ve formed from the hundreds of (amazing) fics and meta I’ve read on this character and what’s true in canon are basically inseparable at this point, and no portrayal is going to live up to the way Loki exists in my head. Canon Loki and fic Loki are two different characters and I can enjoy both at the same time :) I’ve just loved seeing the character get given the different dimensions he deserves, and written by people who care about his story.

Also, it’s not over! If he was dead and this was it I’d be very upset, but this is the rock bottom of the storyline, and I think the whole next two episodes will be the build back up. I trust it’s gonna be worth it. SO hyped for flaming sword Loki. I would die for Sylvie, but I’m excited to see him on his own again.

My current most pressing questions are:

-what was the fallout of Sylvie’s bombing the timeline? (Have we seen that yet, am I just dumb and missing something?)

-Obviously, who’s behind it all? (Kang? Is there a head honcho Very Evil Loki at the top?)

-How much does Ravonna actually know, and to what extent is she just a pawn too? She asked Sylvie to prune her— she’s probably also been duped here.

-Is everything we learned about the sacred timeline BS? How much of what the TVA workers believe is real?

-my favorite theory so far is that the war of the timelines miss minutes talks about hasn’t actually happened yet, maybe making setting that into motion is the true endgame, leading into Multiverse of Madness?

(Side note: holy HELL im so excited for this soundtrack to drop on Spotify. It’s SO AMAZING I had CHILLS in the end credits.)

Open invitation to discuss anything with me if you feel inclined! :)

[sugakoni]

if youre still doing matchups, could i get a matchup of resident evil 2-4 (preferably male) im mlm, a gemini, i’m short, and i dye my hair often (sorry if this isnt what you need im still kinda new to tumblr ;w;)

I match you with Leon Kennedy!

leon would definitely help you dye your hair when you get that feeling to do it. he would probably be like "but you literally just dyed your hair-" in a teasing sense but he would not mind it. (even though he sucks ass at it and you have to touch it up afterwards, its the thought that counts!). he would carry you around his apartment, and even though you say you can walk on your own, he genuinely just likes the affection and being around you constantly. this man is so scared to lose someone else that he loves that a lot of small things give him a bit of anxiety, like sitting alone in the living room while you are asleep in the bedroom, or vice versa. he just has to be near you all the time ;-; poor baby has ptsd.

i hope this is good gdkhgkhakjhkgh i am tryin my best, also welcome to tumblr !!! we got a lot of good shit here (especially in the resi fandom) :>

[interestray]

So episode 111 of Critical Role was crazy so I have thoughts and stuff I want to talk about.

SPOILER WARNING- I’m gonna be talking about the most recent episode of CR episode 111 and past stuff 

first things first lots of freaking out from the fandom right now like I understand I freaked out when matt ended the episode with Molly(?) being alive too, but I think there definitely is some over reacting happening. we have two weeks to stew over this cliffhanger and I really don’t need this running in circles in my head for that long so now you get this post about my thoughts on this whole thing. 

I have four things I wanna talk about The hate/anger towards Cree, who is in Molly’s body, what those people are like, and the future of some of the party members (probably not in that order)

1. Heard a lot of people talking about about how excited or worried that evil molly is walking around (Lucien) and this confuses me, we know very little about Lucien definitely not enough to be calling him evil. I’m not gonna say he’s sunshine and rainbows because we do have that quote from Cree 

“ He was very charismatic in his cruelty at times”

but this doesn’t mean evil just like how some of the fucked up shit the mighty nien have done don’t make them evil, non-evil mercenary groups exist. I don’t know what Lucien is like if I had to guess I’m guessing similar to Molly in personality but more withdrawn and careful but we won’t know for who knows how long it might not even be Lucien in that body. 

2. who is in that body? most people seem to thinks it’s Lucien, a new person, or a mix of multiple people with a very small chance of it being Molly. I personally think it’s a mix, but that Molly is very much still there mostly because of how Matt described his smile “a grin full of confidence and purpose” does that not sound like Molly? Matt is really good at showing when a character is not in their right mind using facial features and his voice (ex- Caleb and Yasha getting charmed, Yasha under Obann’s control, the whole thing with the bridge) but with Molly(?) who else would be smiling in a blizzard other than him.

3. Cree really doesn’t deserve to be getting the hate she is.

imagine this the leader of your friends the person holding you all together dies you bury him, your friends split up and you’re alone until you get employed by some guy, for 2 years you work and try and build something for yourself until one day that same leader walks in they look and act a bit different but they’re alive you’re so happy you can get your friends back together now. except they don’t want that they want to go off with this other group and the more you talk to them the more you notice how clueless they are about things they should know. they leave on a job that's ok you’ll talk when they get back but they don’t come back you lose them again.

I think Cree has been through a lot of pain she knew Lucien for what 4-5 years from what Beau found that's a lot longer than the few months the nien (except Yasha who had 8 more months with him) had with Molly. We don’t know what Cree’s objective is could be bad could be good it’s probably a mix of both, I do think that Cree buried his coat but I can understand wanting to have your friend back hell we fucking saw how much Caleb wanted to bring Molly back even with some of the group being uncomfortable with it they were both being selfish. whatever Cree is doing I doubt it has anything to do with the Nien other than she’s maybe heading to floating city place and they might meet the party there. She’s not that different from the Mighty Nien in my opinion.

4. ok so this I expect to maybe get some hate for, I think Cad will leave the party for Molly’s return and I think that’s a good thing. here’s why when we first met Cad (please don’t make me spell the whole thing) he told us he wasn’t staying till the end and yeah things change but when brought up again after his arc was done things still have that temporary edge to them “I’m not ready to go home yet” “Some of them still need me”. Cad is a great character and Im so happy we got to see him but I think Taliesin wants to play Molly again like seriously his face when they brought up Molly and everything that followed he doesn’t look like someone upset at having to possibly play their dead character.

I’m probably a bit biased towards this because Molly is one of my favorite characters and I miss him so badly. In the recent episodes the possible leaving of Cad and Veth kept coming up and I think that’s on purpose coming from Taliesin to get us used to the idea of Cad leaving (Veth I think for the moment will stay but that may change). I could easily be wrong Cad might stay till the end of the campaign with Molly dying again or becoming a Npc or disappearing never to be seen again (or in the next campaign) if he stays I won’t be mad and if he leaves I’ll still be sad.

there I’m done with this now I really needed to get this out of my head before it had a chance to burrow down for two weeks so now I can focus on other stuff like that really hard to put into words post about the mighty nien and their canon and fanon sexualities/gender identities 

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

asks (26)

@spickerzocker​ said:

hey there! just a heads up that i tried to click on the "why i don't ship" explanation link in your faq and it says that there is no post with that url/it's generally broken. also your "a conversation about recovery" thing is beautiful and hurts in the best way and i love it. have a nice day!

Yes, I intentionally took that link down awhile ago, and last night I went and updated some of the tabs on my blog. Here are my basic thoughts:

I wrote that link years and years ago, while I was first navigating the internet and while I was still figuring out important things about my own identity and opinions. I ran my blog differently back then, but by the end of the first few months, I knew I was uncomfortable with shipping. 

As people began to interact with me and my work, I told them over and over again no, I don’t want to talk about that, and I don’t want to write about it, and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think that was a common position to take at the time, so it wasn’t what people expected from me. 

During those years, I felt like I had to justify myself and give a valid explanation. I wrote that post explaining why I had that boundary, and I put it in a place where anyone could find it.

I said no when people asked, let them make jokes about it, and made jokes about it myself in response. As time went on I got more and more exasperated when I had to repeat myself. I wrote definite rules into my ask box, request tab, and FAQ. People still asked. I wrote it into my description. People still asked. 

The truth is yeah, there’s a pretty simple explanation for my discomfort. It makes sense. It’s easy to understand, and most folks think it’s a “good enough” reason to leave me alone. The difference between young-me and current-me is that I no longer feel the need to justify myself. 

None of y’all need to know why I set the boundaries that I set. My explanation isn’t relevant, and I’m not obligated to give it. I said no. That’s enough. 

I think a good number of folks remember my explanation from the past, and I don’t mind that at all. There may be a time where I talk about it again, in a more appropriate context, so I guess we’ll see.

That’s a lot of information in response to a very helpful ask. Thanks! The link is gone now, and I’m so pleased that you enjoyed the fic :)

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Anonymous said:

U suck

Kenza sent this anon as a joke. She’s right, and I thank her. 

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Anonymous said:

I'm a doctor and ive seen it all.....but the milk fic made me gag

Excellent

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@wingedskyes said:

Ah. Wait. I wasn't on anon....uhm. oh well. It's fine. I like milk and am not ashamed. 😆

I don’t think I received another message from you actually, but I too like milk and I’m glad we’re on the same page

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@thelittleredheadedmusician said:

To add to the milk discussions: my best friend from home and best friend from college have each finished a gallon a milk by themselves within 2 days.

I do that too, every once in awhile. When the milk craving hits it’s a gallon a day

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Anonymous said:

"TIM! POUR HIM. A GLASS OF M A L K!"

Hold on I have to google some things

Yeah this is funny

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Anonymous said:

I have read that milk fic three separate times and every time I’m laughing just as hard as Tim and dick by the end it’s just so excellently executed and builds so perfectly that by the time dick cracks I’m ready to go too and I just lose it it’s amazing I love it

Awww anon I’m so pleased :)

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@the-smartass-under-the-mountain said:

Just wanted to drop by and say your recent fic with Tim antagonizing Damian with increasingly outrageous milk concoctions had me giggling. It was so cute and refreshing to see Dick enjoying Tim's little prank. And Bruce's reaction to just... walk away was fantastic!

Thank you! I’m always so thrilled when y’all think the jokes hit

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@njtheboywonder​ said:

I havnt really enjoyed a fic in years, but i stopped to read ur fanfic with tim drinking milk just to fuck w dami amd it made me smile. Thanks, for writing it.

Oh that warms my heart <3

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@bruciewayneisbatman​ said:

Tim Is totally the guy who would drink ridiculous amounts of dalgona coffee to annoy damian, according to that fic.

Had to google that one, but I guess so huh

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Anonymous said:

(diff anon) but that birthday fic was so good oml and you have opened my eyes as to the batfam in quarantine this is such a Concept

We’re all here dying..... together...

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Anonymous said:

Happy birthday! 🎉 or belated! 🎂 thank you for being in the fandom. 😊

&

Anonymous said:

To anon! Sorry. I forgot to add that! Anyway, thanks to them we get a lovely fic. I hope you have many more birthdays! 😊

Message for you anon

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Anonymous said:

Your writing gives off good vibes

Hear that guys I “passed my vibe check.” Is that what the youth say these days? I am an elder now and I do not know

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Anonymous said:

finding your blog while being relatively new to batman fandom is such a bliss. your batfam content especially is *chef's kiss* amazing.

Thank you my darling :) I’m glad you’re here

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Anonymous said:

Best line in a fic? Hard to pick just one, but this particular one from "Just Desserts" by fyeahbatmanandrobin on Tumblr is one of my faves: “Anyone else would be hard-pressed to provide the particular brand of excitement you bring to my life, Dami.”

&

@noisypaintersong​ said:

For the line thing: "I don't doubt it. Bruce Wayne, the unexpectedly normal guy wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a superhero wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a fake socialite wrapped in a businessman wrapped in a secretive billionaire." He paused. "…You're the seven-layer burrito of Gotham," he pondered. - Barry to Bruce in 'Of Friends and Foes' by Paganpunk2 on FFN. It's one of the funniest things I've read someone say to Bruce LOL

& 

@kirakats​ submitted:

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Anonymous said:

“I do know that according to everyone else, there is no chance, no future, no universe where I stay a hero.” Describes my frustration with the way DC treats Damian so accurately. Let the kid be a hero dammit.

Thanks! That’s really helpful. I’ve got a decent answer to my question now. 

@kurawastaken​ submitted:

So this is Kenza retaliating against me for the milk fic. I very much hate tomatoes and specifically ketchup. This photo (1) is a nightmare and (2) fulfills its intended purpose.

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Anonymous said:

I love your blog!!!

And I love you 

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Anonymous said:

quick question: how do you think jason reconciles with the fam?? i think in the comics they kinda just reboot and now he’s on better terms. but like what conversations happened, yknow??? (you’re doin great work by the way, it rips out my heart but it’s great)

This is an amazing question, and I’ll be thinking about it for the next bit, I think. That would be a really interesting topic to explore in depth

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@angel-gidget​ said:

*hugs you real tight* would you please send this to the first 10 people in your dash? Make sure someone gets a hug today and stay safe!

Oh thank you for the hug <3

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Anonymous said:

I hadn’t been aware of that Memphis petition, but I live in Memphis too (Altho I know you said you just grew up there so you may not be living here currently haha) so ig I just wanted to say thanks for bringing it to my attention!

!!!

I’ve been in Texas for six years now, ever since I started school, but I’m still in and out of Memphis for family purposes. Love the trash heap of my birth 

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@damianwaynerocks​ said:

hey! any chance you know of any other dc heroes around damian’s age?

Sure! You could try Billy Batson, Jon Kent, or Maya Ducard

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Anonymous said:

hi! i don't know if it's okay to leave anons like these but ive been feeling down because my country has passed a bill that deprives us of lots of human rights freedom and i want you to know that i just found your blog through the damian/bruce + justice fic and it comforted me. im slowly going thru your works and so far they are all comforting. i love your stuff, thank you.

Philippines? I’ve heard some things, and I’m real sorry y’all’re going through that. I don’t know that there’s anything I could say about that to help, but I hope you’re finding joy somewhere

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@awesomeness-ofgaybitches​ said:

Tumblr hates you. The links in your bio and to your fic masterlist don't work on mobile. I'm sorry.

FUCK

[littlebitoffanfic]

Never Be The Same Again

Fandom: Texas Chainsaw Massacre Characters: Thomas, Hoyt, Luda, Monty Relationship: Thomas/reader Requests: Heye, the requests are opening? If they are, could you do something angst with Thomas? Like y/n is almost dying and he must save her, but he is too desperate

Hi, I love your Thomas stories! You're brilliant! Can you do one for me? Where a pack of bikers come to the house, knowing that one of their own had come there and never came back. The family has to fight to survive, Monty and Luda Mae are in the house. When the reader is shot, protecting Tommy, Thomas goes into a rage, killing everyone. Reader bleeds out in his arms. Thanks, I know it's angst but you're just amazing.

a/n: I hope you don’t mind but I decided to combine these requests 😊

Something woke you from your sleep. You didn’t know what, or why, but now you were awake. It was late, and when you rolled over in bed, you could see in the soft moon light that you were sleeping alone. Thomas was still working. A soft groan left your lips as you looked at the clock. He had promised you he would be here before 12 and it was nearly 2am. Swinging your feet off the bed, you rub your eyes as you get up. Slipping on slippers and a dressing gown, you walk through the silent house. Everyone else was asleep by now, and Hoyt had passed out on the couch. He didn’t stir as you passed him and headed to the basement. Descending the steps, you saw Thomas was hard at work skinning the last bit of the mans leg who was long dead. He had tried to rob Monty earlier that day, thinking it was just him in the house. Of course, you were out the back and Thomas down stairs. He quickly paid for that mistake. “Thomas?” you called out, but he didn’t look up at you. He had probably heard the door open and seen your feet on the steps so knew it was you. you saw he had removed his mask and it lay on the side. “Its late.” Your statement fell on deaf ears as he continued to work. You knew he didn’t like it when you were down here. Too dangerous and dark for you. “Will you come to bed soon?” You asked, making him look up at you. There was a hint of guilt in his eyes as he glanced between the body and you, but shook his head. He couldn’t keep eye contact with you as he dropped his gaze back to the body. You sigh, and it cuts through him like a knife. He hated disappointing you, and he knew how you didn’t like ot sleep alone. Unable to stand in your gaze and do nothing, he returned to the skinning. You stared to climb the stairs, not thinking much of his attitude. He was probably tired and sore after the long day. You certainly were. If fact, you would probably fall right back asleep when you got back to bed. Pausing, you turned back to him. “Thomas?” You called out his name as you had when you came down. He grunted in acknowledgement. “I love you. you know that, right?” This caused Thomas to stop what he was doing and look up at you. Of course he knew that. you stayed by his side through everything, loved him unconditionally and you were there for him when no one else would have been. But even after years of this relationship, even after countless confessions and passionate love making that made Thomas bow at your feet, he still felt that flutter in his chest at hearing you stay those words to him. because they still meant the world to him, just like they had the first time they had fallen from your lips. Leaving his knife by the body, he crossed the room to the foot of the stairs. Pulling off one of his gloves, he took your hand from your side and pressed a soft kiss to the palm of your hand. You giggled, knowing it was his own way to telling you he loved you. when he looked up to you, as if seeing if his actions had conveyed his messaged, you smiled lovingly at him and pressed allowed your fingers to brush against his cheeks. He melted at the contact, smiling as he leaned into your touch. “Come to bed soon?” you asked, tilting your head to the side. Thomas instantly nodded, silently vowing he was going to wrap up the body and head up straight away. Content with his answer, you smile at him as he lets go of your hand and you retreat back up the stairs. As you walked back through the house, something made you stop dead in your tracks. A dark figure, standing behind Hoyt, who was lashing about in the seat. His face was covered by a pillow, the dark figures hand pressed over where Hoyts mouth would be. Adrenaline rushed through your body as you acted quickly. Rushing forward, you grabbed the empty bottle of wine Luda had finished earlier and smashed it over the mans head before he even realised you were there. a cry came from the man as he dropped to the floor, clutching his head. Hoyt stumbled to his feet, gasping for air as curses left his lips. But the man turned back to you, pulling out a switch blade. You let out a scream, awaking the whole house. But the next pair of footsteps were too close, coming from he kitchen as a second man ran out. “Shut the girl up!” He snapped at the one you had broken the bottle over his head. “Don’t you fuckin’ touch her.” Hoyt growled, and another pair of footsteps came running along the hallway. Luda burst into the room and let out a shriek when she saw the man advancing on you. but Hoyt managed to grab the top part of the bottle which had shattered just under the neck. He grabbed the man by the hair, pulled back his head and plunged the glass into his throat, leaving him sputtering as he dropped back to the floor. Wheels were drowned out by screams as the leader cursed with anguish. “You took another one of my boys, im gonna kill you’re whole family!” He growled at you. And then it clicked. The one who had tried to rob Monty. These were his friends. They had come to find him. You looked ot the side, and saw Thomas run into the room, a large butcher cleaver in hand as he looked for the source of danger. But then you saw movement out of the corner of your eyes. Whipping your head around, you saw the leader raise a gun and pointed it at Thomas, who hadn’t noticed. “NO!” You scream, running at the man. You wanted to knock it out of his hand, of make him lose aim. You just didn’t want Thomas to get shot. And, in some respect, you succeeded. But the bullet that was meant for Thomas went right into you. you felt a pain like fire erupt in your torso, just below your chest. Luda cried out your name, but it was almost in slow motion. Next thing you knew, you had fallen to the floor, gasping for air. Everything around you was blurry, and almost like a dream. You heard scream as Thomas, in his rush to help you, got to the man first. Raising the cleaver, he brought it down, slicing the mans at the forearm and causing his hand to drop to the floor. Suddenly, Luda came into your view. She was crying. You looked and saw Hoyt and Monty staring at you, unmoving and almost dumbfounded. another gang member entered the room, but Thomas was quick to hack at his head, making his body drop to the ground. there was a terrible buzzing in your skull which was almost as loud as the screams of the man who had shot you, who was currently holding his stump. Thomas turned and, in one final swing, he bought the cleaver down into the mans head. The leader dropped to the floor, the cleaver still in his skull. Then, in a second, Thomas was crouching by you. Thomas desperate tried to think of something, anything. His body raked with guilt and fear as he scooped you into his arms. You didn’t cry out in pain as he had expected. In fact, you only let out a soft groan of pain, like the movement was just irritating. “Thomas. THOMAS!” Hoyt screamed after him, his voice cracking but Luda reached out and held onto him. When Hoyt looked to his sister, she was sobbing and shook her head. He instantly understood. There was no changing this. No fixing it. Thomas carried you down to the basement and placed you on a work bench. He went to move away to grab some tools, but a soft hand grabbed his own. You held no strength behind your fingers, but it was enough to make him stop and turn back to you. “I love you. you know that, right?” You breathed, the tears running silently down your cheeks. You were pale, and looked like you were fighting to stay awake. But once Thomas fixed you, he would take you upstairs and back to bed. He wouldn’t leave you side again. He’d never miss another opportunity to share your bed as he had the last few weeks. Thomas nodded, taking your hand and pressing a kiss to your knuckles, a silent return of your affections that made you smile at him. your fingers lazily brushed against his cheek, before wincing at a little jolt of pain. That caused Thomas to drop your hand and quickly gather his tools. He didn’t notice how your eyes, which followed him around the basement for a moment, slowly closed. He didn’t notice the smile fade from your lips or how tears stopped falling from your eyes. When he returned, he quickly got to work, removing the bullet. Your body did jump a little as he worked, but Thomas assumed the adrenaline kept you from crying out. Or perhaps you were just too tired. He worked quickly, his hands never stopped moving as he sew the flesh back together. Once he was done, he looked up to your face. He’d done it. he’d closed the wound for you. there was no more bleeding and his stitches were neat. He’d done it. right? But something didn’t feel right. Had you fallen asleep? He moved up your body, his hand ghosting up your front to your collar bone. Once at your neck, he pressed two fingers there, feeling for a pulse. And found none. He moved his fingers a quarter of an inch to the side, then the other, then to the other side of your neck. But found no pulse. Thomas grabbed your hand turned it over, dropping to his knees by the work bench as he tried to find something to show you were alive still. But again, your veins were still. Thomas stared at your lifeless body and even though he knew you were dead, it didn’t feel real to him. He loved you, and now what? How many times had he wasted time with you, or given up that time to work or do something else? He many nights had you fallen asleep on your own or came down to try persuading him to come to bed with you. If he had just came to bed with you tonight, things would be different. He could have protected you, like he had promised he would do years ago when you first kissed him. But he had failed you. and now you had paid the ultimate price, as had he. He raised your hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of your hand before brushing your fingers against his cheek. But it didn’t feel the same. Nothing would be the same. It would never be the same again.

[cruelangelstheses]

every nasty thought

fandom: dragon age rating: T characters: anders/hawke words: 2.4k additional tags: canon compliant, mental illness, ocd, trichotillomania, angst with a happy ending, intrusive thoughts, solitary confinement, gender neutral hawke description: anders has been dealing with intrusive thoughts his whole life. an exploration of anders’s character through the lens of ocd and trichotillomania. a/n: HELLO i’ve been very busy recently and haven't had much time to write but i’ve been wanting to do something like this for a while based somewhat on my experience (im projecting lol) so i banged this out for day 5 of @proandersweek - neurodivergent anders! title from “obsessions” by marina and the diamonds. for the full tag list that goes into a bit more of specifics wrt the intrusive thoughts, check the ao3 link

read it on ao3

—

After Anders’s magic manifests for the first time, in the quiet solitude of his bedroom, he finds his fingers itching with the power in his blood. It was always there, he supposes, but now he knows it’s there. Now he can feel it, can recognize the fire always pulsing through his veins, the sparks he could bring to his fingertips in an instant if he so willed it. The magic calls to him, like the feeling of standing at the edge of a cliff and wondering how it would feel to jump, or like a book he’s forbidden to read. The world screams danger, but his hands ache to break the rules.

He’s not stupid. He knows what would happen if anyone in the village discovered his powers. Still, it feels strange trying to continue on living as if nothing has changed now that he knows what he is. Suddenly he no longer feels perfectly at home; when he looks around at his friends and neighbors, all he can think of is how he’s different. He no longer feels like one of them.

Anders lives in a small house in a small village, so he doesn’t get a whole lot of privacy. Before he found out he was a mage, he didn’t really mind it. He likes having friends, likes having a group of people he can think of as his second family. He likes talking to the neighbors and helping to take care of animals or children. Now, though, he finds himself wishing for some alone time, a place where he can practice his magic without getting caught. He’ll sometimes conjure ice in his bedroom at night, but other than that, he doesn’t really have anywhere to go. He could maybe practice in the barn when nobody’s in it, but he’s afraid he might harm one of the animals.

The desire to learn spells, the temptation of the taboo, wages war with Anders’s fear of hurting someone. The thoughts come late at night, when he’s lying awake overthinking, but they also come in the middle of the day, when he’s walking around in the village square or talking with a friend: I could kill any one of these people. I could do it right now if I’m not careful. What if I snap and electrocute my father? What if I try to pet one of the barn cats and accidentally freeze it?

Anders has had distressing thoughts before, thoughts of someone he loves dying, or thoughts of being harmed himself. The difference this time is simply that he’s talked about these kinds of thoughts with his mother; he’s had her remind him that his fears are unfounded, that he’s safe, that they’re all safe. He still feels the need to perform rituals, like feeding the animals just the right amount of food or touching both his shoulders with his fingertips when he wakes up each morning, to ensure that nothing bad will happen, but when he has someone in his corner, the thoughts don’t consume him as much as they could if he were dealing with them alone.

Unfortunately, his newest obsessions all have to do with him being a mage. He can’t even attempt to use logic to fight the bad thoughts, because all of his fears are not only possible, but probable. It’s all he’s ever heard about mages. They can snap at any moment. They can kill twenty people in one fell swoop. They can lose control. They need to be locked up, for everyone else’s safety. He can’t confide in anyone, can’t rely on anyone to tell him that he isn’t going to set his friends on fire. So he deals with the thoughts in silence, the fear mounting with every passing day.

It’s around this time, then, that Anders starts pulling at his hair.

He likes keeping it fairly long, though he often puts it up in a ponytail so it doesn’t get in his face while he’s working or playing. There are always stray hairs, though, and soon he finds that they serve two purposes: to give his fingers something to do so that they no longer twitch with energy, and to help him cope with his obsessions. When he pulls, he goes into a trance, his mind almost empty as he focuses on the feeling of the hair on his fingertips, the slight pinch when he plucks it from his scalp. It’s oddly satisfying, even calming, and it makes him feel safe.

—

About a month after that first surge of magic bloomed in his hands, Anders accidentally starts a fire in the barn.

They get all the animals out in time, but his secret is out. His parents saw him trip and fall, saw as his hand shot out a blast of fire. It may have been his body’s method of self-defense, but it doesn’t matter, because now his mother is looking at him with tears in her eyes, and his father is staring at him in horror.

“I—I’m sorry,” he sputters desperately. “I didn’t mean to, I swear, it won’t happen again, I—”

His mother steps toward him and puts her arms around him, but his father might as well not have heard him. Anders has to fight the urge to push his mother away, the terror crowding in his head: You have no self-control. You’re going to kill her. You’re going to kill your own mother like the monster you are.

That night, Anders lies awake in bed, listening to his parents argue back and forth. His mother wants to protect him. His father, however, thinks it would be best to call the templars. Anders can hear the fear in his voice: fear not just of magic, but of him, his own son, twelve years old and a danger to everyone around him.

Anders pulls almost frantically at the hair on his scalp, but it doesn’t feel like enough, so he starts pulling at his eyebrows too, the coarser hair providing a different sensation. If he pulls enough, maybe it’ll serve as penance.

By morning, his eyebrows are half gone, the skin bright red and rubbed raw. His father contacts the templars anyway. His friends and neighbors stop talking to him. All Anders can think is that it wasn’t enough.

—

It’s strange. His obsessions tell him that he is dangerous, that he needs to be locked up to protect everyone else, that he will kill innocent people if left unchecked. Yet, on his good days, days where he’s better able to fend off those thoughts, he decides that the Circle is bad. In his moments of clarity, Anders recognizes his desire to be free. He daydreams about being able to live a life without being a slave to the Chantry or to his own fears. He starts taking an interest in healing spells in the hope that he can challenge the idea in his mind that magic means pain.

Anders soon realizes that everything he’s been told about mages is a lie. He meets mages who are in complete control, who have been studying magic for decades, people who could live outside of the Circle for the rest of their lives and probably never fall prey to a demon or hurt a civilian with their magic. He meets mages who are compassionate and kind. He meets mages that he could dare to love.

His year in solitary confinement is the worst year of his life. Alone with no one but himself and nothing to do but sit and think, his brain has a fucking field day. This is for the best, you know, it tells him the first few days. You should be locked up in here forever, not just a year. You could snap at any moment. You could kill an apprentice. You would’ve if they hadn’t put you in here.

His mind blames him for Karl being transferred to Kirkwall, has been blaming him for years. He got too comfortable. He let himself feel happiness, feel love. He didn’t perform his rituals enough, didn’t pull enough, and because of it Karl is gone.

During his time in the Circle, his obsessions sometimes take a more religious turn, probably due to the immense amount of Chantry ideology that permeates every corner. He’s gone through periods where all he can think about is how he is unworthy in the eyes of the Maker, how his magic is punishment for all the horrible things inside him, and his time in solitary is no exception. He has intrusive thoughts about the intrusive thoughts. You’re an affront to the Maker. You think about killing your peers and loved ones, and for that you’re going to suffer for eternity. He uses praying and repenting as one of his rituals in the vain hope that it’ll make his brain stop, just stop.

Then the thoughts take a turn for the morbid. He has visions of hurting himself, of electrocuting or immolating himself, of digging his fingernails into his skin until he draws blood or hitting his head against the wall so hard he passes out. I could do it. I could do it right now. I could set myself on fire and be done with it. The thought terrifies him. He doesn’t want to die. He just wants to be able to live.

It’s during solitary, though, that he has his revelation, a revelation that he feels he should’ve figured out a long time ago: all of his obsessions are about things that are the exact opposite of what he really thinks or wants. He doesn’t want to kill. He doesn’t want to die. He doesn’t truly believe that the Maker gives people magic to punish them. And he certainly doesn’t believe that he should be locked up forever simply for an accident of birth.

Two things make his time in solitary bearable: that realization, and the cat Mister Wiggums, who listens to him talk about these things without judgment, and who curls up in his lap when he senses that Anders is in distress. He pulls a lot of his hair out, though. When he’s let back out, the other mages comment that he looks like a different person.

—

Anders isn’t sure if merging with Justice has made things better or worse. On the one hand, it’s comforting, having a friend always with him in some way. On the other, now he has a new fear to obsess over: the fear that Justice will take over and hurt someone.

He realizes, though, that that fear is actually just one of his old fears, rebranded to look like something new. He’s come full circle. He’s twelve years old again, unsure how to handle this newfound power, feeling out of control and hurtling into a strange world.

—

Kirkwall’s Circle is awful, and Darktown is...well, Darktown, but the people that visit Anders in his clinic make it worth it.

It’s incredible, seeing ordinary people, refugees from the Blight, who look at him not with fear but with respect and even a sort of reverence. Children whose sicknesses he’s healed gaze up at him with a spark in their eyes and a thank you on their lips. Even people who aren’t sick or injured start to visit him every once in a while, to check up on him or talk to him or even give him a couple bandages, in the case of Lirene. He hears about them sticking their necks out for him when templars comes snooping around—for him, an apostate mage with obsessions that have made him believe he’s nothing but a danger to everyone around him. It doesn’t make the thoughts stop—nothing does—but it makes them easier to bear, at least somewhat.

Anders’s hair has mostly grown back since his time in solitary, but his eyebrows are a bit sparse, and he still sort of looks like he’s balding already, at the ripe old age of thirty-two. He’s not usually very self-conscious about his looks, but he’ll admit, it catches him off guard when the next person to take an interest in him is none other than a fellow apostate and Fereldan refugee named Hawke, who turns to him one night a few weeks after their initial meeting and says, “You know I’m not kidding when I flirt with you, right?”

It comes out of nowhere. They’re heading down to Lowtown to check out a job. Behind them, Hawke’s brother scoffs in annoyance, and the dwarf, Varric, chuckles knowingly.

Anders raises an eyebrow, suddenly aware of how he must look. Hawke is younger and more muscled than he is, with thick, dark hair that’s probably softer and smoother than his. “You’re...not?” he says slowly. He has to refrain from asking, What do you even see in me? He already warned Hawke to stay away from him, and he hasn’t been able to figure out if the subsequent flirting was serious or not.

Hawke laughs. “Of course not. You’re passionate. You’re serious when you need to be, but you’re also funny. You understand me. You’re attractive. You’re—”

Anders holds a hand up, unable to contain the surprised little smile working its way onto his face. “Did you just say I’m attractive?”

Hawke snorts. “That’s what you got from all that?”

“No, I—” Anders lowers his hand as they both laugh. “It’s just...kind of startling. I mean, even when I’m like...this?” He gestures to all of himself. Hawke noticed his hair-pulling not too soon after they met, and Anders decided he might as well explain at least a little bit of his state of mind.

The fact that Hawke didn’t leave after that, didn’t even seem too fazed, was enough for Anders to trust them almost completely. He’s only told two other people about his obsessions: his mother and Karl. Thank you for not running away, he’d said after he told Hawke about Justice, and he felt the need to say it again then. He feels like he needs to say it now, too, like if he says it enough times, it’ll erase everything bad that could ever happen.

Hawke flashes him a soft smile, eyes twinkling. “Yes, even when you’re like that.”

Hawke’s brother gags exaggeratedly, so Hawke turns around and makes an obscene hand gesture at him. In the back of his mind, Anders hears those familiar voices threatening to take hold again, telling him that he’ll only hurt Hawke if he allows himself to get close. They’ll never really go away, he knows, but he has someone in his corner, and that makes all the difference.

[keithxhappiness]

Voltron S8 Review (SPOILERS)

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR VOLTRON SEASON 8 PEOPLE!

OK, so I just finished Voltron Season 8. I had to watch it a day late because I went to see Into the Spiderverse (which was REVOLUTIONARY btw, I highly recommend seeing and supporting it!)

One of my biggest fears about watching it late was that something would be spoiled for me by twitter/tumblr/youtube, and although I got through it without any spoilers, I did see some general negativity surrounding the finale, without really knowing why though.

But after finishing it, I took a look at some of the comments to try to decipher what it was that made people think it was so terrible! So, here are my thoughts on the finale itself, and on peoples’ thoughts about the finale:

First, I would just like to say thank you to Voltron.

I have never been one for shipping battles, and I was never concerned with all of the controversy surrounding the political statements that could be made through the show.

My main focus was the story, and my connection to the characters, particularly Keith. No, not just because I think he’s insanely attractive.

Because, he reminds me of myself…I also struggle with trusting other people, and I often think I can do everything myself or that it would be easier if I took control of the situation. I’m not patient enough to give others a chance, which is something I recognize and am working to change.

So, Keith’s development embodies my own objectives. Which is part of the reason why I love him (the other being how HOT he is).

Keith aside, everything in this season was meant to display the core idea of this story: strength through unity. It is something I hope to truly experience one day, and I think it has been demonstrated beautifully throughout the show.

It is obvious to me that a lot of effort, thought, and work has been put into animating and producing this series, something that I am angered to see not appreciated enough.

Even when you don’t enjoy certain aspects of the story, there is NO DOUBT that the creators deserve respect. Respect needs to accompany criticism of the series, or else how can you possibly expect the creators to respect your criticisms?

So, to everyone who worked on Voltron, from the seeds of its creation to its conclusion, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, and I wish you the best in all your future endeavours.

I can’t wait to see what you come up with next :)

I guess I shall split this next part of the review into things I didn’t particularly like, and things that I liked.

Starting with the things I personally didn’t enjoy (and some other commentary):

a) Allura and Lance:

Ah yes, the dreaded Allurance. Although I said that I wasn’t heavily involved in shipping in this show, I was unfortunately all too aware of the war waged within the fandom, which frankly, was more chaotic than the war in the show itself :’)

Other than Lotura, I didn’t ship anyone with anyone else, personally. And I understood the resistance to Allura and Lance becoming a couple. I didn’t feel any chemistry between the two of them, and particularly for Allura, I only felt that she saw Lance as her family, just as she saw all the others.

Like, when he confessed to loving her in Episode 1, I felt that her reaction was something akin to “UM, cool, cool. Same here." However, there is no denying that the seeds for this union were planted from the start of the show. It would be foolish to think that this wasn’t their plan all along, really.

But somehow, it just didn’t click. I can’t wrap my head around why, though! For me, I think that I prefer the idea of two characters coming together as friends, and then romantically, if they’ve been helping one another overcome some emotional trauma. You could argue that Lance was doing that for Allura, but it didn’t really happen until this specific season, and so, it didn’t quite establish the strength of their bond in time for their romance to feel like anything but just something that happened.

ALL THAT SAID, their scenes together were still very cute…and the Altean markings she left behind on his face BROKE ME. If only the strength of their union, and their mutual love for eachother, was established a little earlier - season 6, maybe - it may have felt more right.

And when she left him behind, I expected MORE from him, resistance-wise. I didn’t like that he just…let her go, after a few tears and a kiss. I wanted him to pull her back, to offer himself instead, or to see him destroyed when they were returned to their reality.

But, I’ve never experienced this type of loss before. And, maybe, deep-down, he knew that he could do nothing to stop her. I just…wanted to see more from him.

Even when she had absorbed the entity. His role was too, too passive. A few times, he’d go “Allura, um, I don’t think this is safe…maybe we should think about this…” and Allura would respond with “No, shut up I know what im doing”, and Lance would just shut up. I wanted him to pull her and shake her and force her to come to her senses!

b) Allura’s death:

I am really sad to say that I knew this was coming.

I can’t believe the leaks were real. I guess they didn’t technically spoil anything because there was also doubt surrounding their authenticity.

And even knowing that it would happen, I AM NOT OKAY WITH IT.

I am happy that they established very early in this season the lengths to which Allura would go to stop Honerva. It was always clear that she was ready to sacrifice herself. Even when she was saying her goodbyes, she seemed to already have come to terms with the fact that her path was ending.

But, that doesn’t mean I’m happy with it.

You know, it’s interesting, I always say that I hate “happy” endings. I prefer my endings to be bitter sweet - like green tea lemonade. So, for everyone to get what they want — that to me is just too good to be true, and bothers me, because real life does not have a neat little ending like that.

So, I knew the ending had to be enveloped in some amount of loss. But for Allura to lose her life, after all that she’s lost, I had hoped she would get to keep her future.

Even without her past, that she could move forward and forge a new world for her people, and get to see that world with her own eyes. IF ANYONE deserved this, it would be Allura.

And like other people, I was really mad that she never had an opportunity to say goodbye to Coran, who was essentially her father figure, or to her own father’s soul.

So, in short, I didn’t want the “death” of the show to be Allura’s….but we don’t always get what we want…

c) Honerva:

I hated her, and not just because she was the antagonist.

The hilarious thing was that Season 8 had the exact same plot as Into the Spider-verse :’) And I still don’t understand why anyONE, crazy, evil, or otherwise, thinks that it’ll be a good idea to travel between REALITIES to find another version of your lost family.

I guess IT’S TRUE that people would do anything for their family, but it seems ridiculous to me that they wouldn’t consider the possible consequences for themselves as well their own world. It’s like time-travel. You just don’t mess with that shit.

But I also hated her as the antagonist. Her objective to me was just not compelling enough…I didn’t really feel her love for Lotor or for Zarkon. I just felt that she was cray cray.

For example, consider Castlevania: a show that excellently protrays the antagonist (Dracula’s) loss. You see why Dracula loved his family, the kind of (immortal) life he could have had.

But other than a few scenes when they were in her consciousness, I just didn’t really believe in her love.

I didn’t want to see her reunited with anyone. I just wanted her to chill out and leave my babies alone.

I also didn’t like how easy it was for Allura to sway her at the end. She seemed so weak-minded and stupid, despite having all the power that she did.

WHY DID ORIANDE EVEN CONSIDER HER WORTHY?!?!?!?!

d) Some other things:

I wasn’t a huge fan of the amount of action comprising this season. I mean, not that it’s the show’s fault - this is a space opera about giant mechs, so obviously, there are going to be space and mech battles.

But I guess I prefer ground/hand-to-hand combat. It’s hard for me to follow mech fights, and I just like sword fights. This is a matter of personal preference, though.

BUT, I will say that because there were SO MANY Robeast/mech fights, there wasn’t as much time for character-character interaction.

So, that made me sad.

So many opportunities gone - opportunities for James/Acxa and Keith to interact (esp after the Ezor/Zethrid conflict), etc.

This season was really flashy, and while I like flashy, as I said before, I also value the emotional connections between the characters a lot and wish that a greater emphasis could have been placed on them.

Things I liked:

Keith being a fearless leader

Krolia NOT dying - thank goodness for that, that was really worrying me

When Keith made his speech in EP1, and Krolia and Kolivan were smiling proudly :))

Matt (sad to see his ponytail go, but he still cayuuuute)

Lotor, all of the little Lotor scenes (AH, I JUST WANT TO ADOPT HIM AND RAISE HIM WITH LOVE) - saddened not to have seen him returned :((

The pictures at the end - happy to see everyone happy and thriving!

AND EVERYTHING ELSE NOT MENTIONED!  

All in all, I think it is absolutely absurd (in the Snape voice) not to watch the season just because you heard some negative things. Don’t be as easily swayed as the Alteans were. Watch it yourself, think for yourself, and form your own opinion. Regardless of what you didn’t like, you can’t deny that this show has been a wild, beautiful ride. PEACE.

[gingerwerk]

Hey! So, I read the update to your flowers and tattoos au and I didn't comment (idk why???? sometimes my brain takes a second to process I guess) but from one fic writer to another I get the need to get feedback. SO. Can I tell you that I love it? Because I do. your au could just be cutesy au stuff, and that would be fine too, but you went a step further and gave us relationships between sledge and his family and sid and his mental health. like, god bless. (pt 1)

(pt 2) ALSO everyone is so damn in character, it gives me life. Burgie? Perfect. Jay? Beautiful blue bb. Snafu? absolute ass and I love him. And I love Bill! I didn’t know I could feel so much about Bill! And I love that you included Flo and made her someone who can be sweet and kind and can also keep Snaf in line. I’d marry her if Burgie hadn’t gotten here like 10 years ago. And I need to know more about Snafu, I’m dying for him to get some love. Alright, I’ll hop off now.

Yeah comments are important not only to get feedback (positive and negative) but like, it’s really hard for me to estimate how many people are actively reading my fic based off of hits and kudos alone. So thank you for understanding the importance of comments (no matter the platform lol, id take them here or on ao3 or by carrier pigeon, don’t matter)

I’ve tried to just write simple cuteness but theres just something in my brain that just doesn’t want to do that lol. like im either writing a cute little oneshot or a monster of a fic that has so many elements in the air im starting to lose track (both of which are super awesome in their own ways) but tbh all the different elements and researching certain aspects for a fic so i get them right are half the fun of writing for me.

honestly whenever anyone tells me that they think my characters are in character, like that’s easily the best compliment anyone could give me so thank you so much. for me when im reading a fic the major deal break is ooc-ness and thats whats going to get me out of a fic the fastest so i think thats one of the reasons why i put so much effort into making sure that each character is as on point as i can make them. but thanks again, it really does mean a lot that you said that

BILL!!! OKAY! So! I fucking love my surly-ass short little brooklyn af son Bill motherfucking Leyden so much and honestly in my opinion he is so slept on by this fandom and I am trying to change that cus this boy deserves more recognition. (i could write essays about bill and bill and eugenes friendship and how much they clearly mean together and im sure i have in the past so ill just be quiet for now) but yeah, makes me really proud to know that im changing hearts and minds

Flo is probably the character who I put the most work in this fic honestly, probably because we don’t really know a whole lot about her so theres just so much to do. (also trying to make the most authentic Aussie Flo so i reference my friend from australia for proper lingo lol) I read burgies book so I know some of real life flo but i basically have her as the big sister who loves all her stupid baby bros with all her heart but will also throw down with them if need be. but i love writing her and sledge because flo basically adopted sledge as her bby bro the second she met him and it’s really just a cute, simple dynamic to write in a story that has so many much more complicated relationships, cus sometimes you really do just need cute and simple

but yeah this reply has gone on long enough, super glad you checked out the chap and you gave me such wonderful feedback