#feels like someone turned my childhood home into an Airbnb

[regionalpancake]

very much not coping with Nepenthe being Captain Holt’s lake house in Brooklyn99 XD

[kiachiako]

july nct recs

my library of favorites from JULY <3 all creds to authors

[ sorted by word count ]

series

MARK | volleyball for dummies (in love edition) | @ddeonuism — Mark Lee has been called many things. Dedicated was one of them and that dedication lead him into joining NeoTech College's well coveted Women's Volleyball team, the NeoTech Tigers, as their manager in hopes of winning the infamous setter, Y/N's heart. But there was one problem, being academically inclined did not come with the extensive knowledge of anything related to the sport and to put it simply, Mark Lee doesn't know shit about Volleyball.

[m] JOHNNY + JENO | switch | chain | @neopuppy — Johnny x female reader x Jeno, Jeno’s dad has got it going on AU, pwp, dc/nc, some angst, fluff

oneshots

MARK | safety zone | @cherryeoniis 19.1k — Mark Lee. The most perfect roommate and best friend that you could have asked for - except for the fact that he constantly messes up your laundry and can’t cook eggs very well. Even then, that doesn’t quite stop you from falling for him in your final year.

[m] HAECHAN | energizer bunny | @smileysuh 19.1k — hybrid au, brother!mark, bunny!reader

[m] MARK | give me the green light | @fadedncity 19k — street racing au, childhood friends to lovers, non idol au, college au, lil angst, fluff

JAEHYUN | contrariety and confluence | @hannie-dul-set 16.9K — there was not an instance in your life where your judgement was proven to be mistaken— especially with regards to infatuations outside of your own. after an unpredicted introduction with a far too remarkable farm boy, you took it upon yourself to find a suitable match for him, not realizing that perhaps this time; your usual correct judgements might have been incorrect.

JAEMIN | can't handle this | @hannie-dul-set 16k — how are you supposed to explain that you and na jaemin started dating just to prove each other wrong and ended up catching feelings.

JAEMIN | top of the world | @hannie-dul-set 15.6k — things had always been the same in the world of na jaemin— him sitting on a throne above everyone else. that was the natural order. but the world as jaemin knew it began to shake after a few fated encounters with someone at the bottom of the food chain.

JISUNG | the things i know | @byunbaekby 14.8k — jisung has never been keen on growing up, or even understanding what adulting means. at seventeen, all he knows is: he loves soccer (and he’s damn gifted at it), and girls are very pretty but also plenty scary. then he met you, his first love who turned his life upside down and made his stomach roll like the soccer balls he loved to kick around the field. but when your cancer comes back after years in remission, jisung thinks, he doesn’t really want to grow up anymore.

MARK | where do broken hearts go? | @rrxnjun 12k — you know what they say about past lovers that can remain just as friends - either they're still in love with each other, or they never were in the first place.

HAECHAN | home is a feeling | @neonun-au 8.2k — Fresh off a break-up, not willing to stomach spending Christmas single with your family, you book a last minute trip overseas to escape the impending loneliness, not realizing that perhaps running away from your feelings will only serve to intensify them. You arrive at your home-away-from-home only to find you’re not the only one staying there. Through some unfortunate (or not so unfortunate) mistake, the AirBnB you booked has also been booked by a handsome young man looking for a similar escape from his own life. Now you have to choose whether or not to stay and spend your Christmas with a stranger or scramble to find a lonely hotel room last minute over the holidays.

[m] JAEMIN + JENO | the walls are thin | @springseasonie 7.4k — both Jaemin and Jeno have always had a thing for you and were never shy about it either. You always play hard to get, but all of your playing was going to catch up with you sooner or later.

[m] HAECHAN | dirty mouth | @jjsneo 6.9k — Haechan is the best roommate anyone could ever ask for. He’s good company, he cooks, he cleans, and he always pays his rent on time. But just like any roommate, he has some quirks. And your favourite is when quiet Haechan turns into a loud, foul-mouthed dirty gamer.

[m] MARK | the best man | @mrkis 6.5k — meeting the one for you at your best friend's wedding wasn't exactly how you imagined this day turning out, neither was fucking him in the bathroom of the venue.

[m] HAECHAN | pretty in pink, but my head's in the dark | @ddeonuism 6.1k — afab!reader, roommate au

JENO | i (have/had) a crush on you | @hannie-dul-set 5.8k — running into a past crush at your best friend’s birthday party wouldn’t have been so bad if he wasn’t— well— all that.

[m] JISUNG | flowers | @jjsneo 5.8k — jisung is completely fine with a friends with benefits arrangement with you. at least that’s what he thought — until he spots a mystery bouquet of flowers at your place (that he definitely didn’t send) and he can’t quite shake the thought. now his behaviour is starting to shift in unexpected ways.

[m] MARK | drive | @lisired 3.5k — behold mark lee - your hot uber driver who you keep getting. very embarrassing. you also fuck him.

[m] JUNGWOO | citrine | @smileysuh 3.2k — life with your surfer boyfriend only ever sees blue skies, and plump lips glisten with the citrine juices of summer

CHENLE | can't spell sex without an ex | 2.4k — you and chenle are broken up. except the both of you are just not very good at remembering that.

. . .

sry for the delay in recs :(( but! i'll have more coming soon DONT U WORRY

xoxo

[the-mortifying-ordeal-of]

Welp, just naturally woke up an hour before my most ambitious alarm.

I've also now had several nights in a row of all-night dreams, long continuous stories that feel like life. I swear I woke up directly from one this morning, and I'd been in that narrative for hours. I'd had things go down in my childhood home, then had people attend, got offended by my aunt favoring someone else, had a scene in the downstairs bathroom where I remembered an EARLIER part of the dream, had a moment on the front porch distracting a big dog who was chasing a little girl running with a backpack bouncing on her back. Then my mom pulled into the detached garage in her yellow car, I kick jumped off the nose while she pulled around the cars already in the drive from the event. Told her I was going off for a bit, realized I forgot my earbuds and decided to just listen to my downloaded Hozier album.

Then I go down the alley, turn south, and it turns into the dream road I always go to, ever since I was a child. There's no sidewalk and the ditches are steep but I'm jumping and weaving because there's traffic both ways and there's water. There's always water on this dream road. But instead of my dream bridge with the river a la Costa Rica, I turn east at the real cemetery but in the dream it's a small Airbnb. I have a scene navigating the flood water but decide to go to an alanon meeting to process the aunt shit.

It's my childhood church, and there are lots of groups assembled as I walk up the stairs - the library, the narthex, the library - but I go all the way up to the top and see my familiar alanon faces overflowing into the hall but realize the speaker's voice from the main room is my aunt. She's telling the story about me, though this time it's something about liquor bottles and her knowing something wouldn't end well. I immediately plug my ears and hustle to a different room/nook, crouching in the corner and processing my resentment that she's taken my meeting after years of me asking her to do alanon.

At the end of the meeting, a woman walks up to me and I look up from my crouch with ears still plugged. I recognize her face and I start to lower my hands and I hear my aunt asking the group in the main room to help her decide between two ways to deal with me. I panic and replug my ears but I hear or lip read the woman telling me she knows the story is about me, recognizes me as a member, and I feel reassured Knowing someone is on my side.

I meander back through the church to the Airbnb and navigate huge flood waters outside the attached garage, one side of the drive significantly deeper than the other. I tell a story, or maybe it's my cousin S., about falling in the deep end of the flood water and barely hanging onto their glove by a fingertip. At one point my phone is submerged, I guess I had been too, but after removing it from my pocketed layers and taking off at least three cases, I just rub it dry. I don't feel panicked.

And then I woke up. Fully able to remember this dream, ready to get up, only 7ish hours after falling asleep.

So TLDR jot down another clue.

[maidenof-thesea]

Snakes and Butterflies | Preface

Pairing: Jimin x reader

Genre: Soulmate Au!, Fluff, Angst, Smut (Maybe, still debating)

Words: 2.1k 

Warnings: MC briefly mentions self harm but she recovers. 

Note: So this is my first series, I sort of dabbled in writing when I was younger. so I’m no expert but feedback is appreciated. I always enjoyed reading fan-fictions and always wanted to try it myself. Hope you like it! 

"So your room will be on the 3rd floor, facing the parking lot behind this building" I say to the couple in front of me as I hand them the keys to their hotel room. When they both reach for the keys I see their soulmate marks both matching arrows. I look up and feel my fake customer smile come on my face as I met their gaze. "Elevator is on the first hallway to your right as soon as you leave out the door. Dial zero if you have any questions." As soon as the couple is out of hearing range, I let out a sigh that Fernando, the security guard, hears.

"It's almost time till you get off," He says. "I have 7 more hours to go.."

"Oh you’re right" I say, as I look at the time on my phone. "Time to go home to the love of my life: my Yuki."

"Y/n, you need to go out and have fun like other girls your age," He says laughing and rubbing his beer pot belly. "You never know, you might just meet the love of your life...which would be nice in times like these.."

"Times like what?" I say counting out my last cash drop of my shift. "Did you see something on Facebook again? I told you so many times--"

"I saw this on the local news!" He says with red blotching his cheeks. "Young girls! Young girls around your age getting abducted! They turn up later on having no memory only that their Soulmate marks are gone!"

"Let me guess," I say printing out my paperwork and logging out of the system so that I could wait for my relief to come running through the door late again. "All these girls had a bunch to drink while having this so called 'fun' you say and this happened to them."

He stammers for words and in comes running my coworker who happens to work the graveyard shift. I saluted her and  I gestured for her to hurry up and clock in since guests are pulling in the parking lot. She smiles and hurries to start the beginning of her shift, while Fernando walks me to my car.

"Okay," He starts when we reach my car. "Perhaps not now but later when this whole ordeal dies down." I hum in response ready to get in my car as I unlock it, but he stops my door from opening. 

"I just worry about you, that's all y/n. Most girls either rebel or try very hard to find the one that matches their Mark but you.. you hide behind those sweaters and let no one near you, I've never even seen your Mark-"

“Fernando," I say grasping his shoulder. "There's no need to worry, I'm just letting fate decide for me. We've been blessed with this, surely fate means for me to come across them at some point in my life." I feel my other hand clench at the word 'blessed'. Surely to me it was a curse. I force myself to smile and I see that it works, he's convinced. "I just want time for myself. I want to grow into a person that feels like she's lived her life and is willing to open up and welcome someone." That wasn't a lie, that was genuine and I felt my voice wavering with emotion. Emotion I didn't know I still had. Fernando pats my hand and opens my door. I roll down the window after starting the ignition. I smile as I hear his radio go off, my coworker stating she needs him upfront. 

"Alright then miss," he says smiling. "I will let you go now and get some sleep!" I wave at him, as I reverse out and start the short drive home. My smile fading off my face as I clenched the steering wheel, willing myself to force unwanted emotions and memories away and drove the short distance to my home.  

The reason I decided to move out here to one of the beach cities was to escape. I found solitude in the sounds of the waves. My friend Jennie had recommended me to stay in this house alongside her family’s private beach, once I had told her my plans of moving out. She told me the rent would be really cheap which was impossible to believe but she told me that her family was planning on making it an airbnb during the summer and that they needed someone to manage it. She offered a wage but of course I declined, I just told her to hire someone to clean and I’ll manage the rest. 

It had been a year since then and now summer was just peaking over the horizon again and I knew I was gonna have to take time off to get everything situated. As I got through my door, my beloved Yuki, my tonkinese cat greets me with her purring and rubbing around my ankles.

“Hello my precious, how was your night?”

She purrs and licks my petting hand. I go to take off my coat and shower before bed. As I strip my work clothes, my arms catch my glance and from the conversation from earlier, I am reminded just how much of a freak I am. Where there should have been a Mark, lied just my skin. Scarred skin, to be exact, scars that matched my finger nails.

Rather than face the questions and pity in people’s faces, I rather hide. Hide just how pitiful my life has been. As the warmth of the water envelops me, I don’t feel the need to hide, at least not here in my own home, well that is till the summer. I force the pity I have for myself away and hum a tune. After that I fed Yuki a late night snack and turned on the TV to watch some Netflix. Just then my phone dinged and I saw a message from my mother. 

Mom[10:47 pm]: Have you seen this? Link: ww.foxnews.com/missingMarks

I clicked on the link and apparently the news I thought was just local made national news. 

“Today in a small town in southern California, tragedy has struck for several young adolescents who were out enjoying their youth when their very futures may very well change forever.” I rolled my eyes at that. They’ll live. “These women were abducted and their Soulmate marks stripped from their arms. All of them have no recollection of their whereabouts in the last 14 hours. Here’s Nancy with one of the victims.”

The clip changes to a girl with her eyes blurred out but it was evident that she was crying as she kept wiping her face. 

“I swear I just needed some air, I stepped out for a bit and I woke up at some park and this excruciating pain in my arm… my Mark was gone, almost as if it was burned off! How am I ever-gonna find them?!” 

Once again I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes, although a part of me was reminded of my teenage years but now older me, thrives in independence. My phone dings again, indicating another message from my mother.

Mom[10:52 pm]: They think there’s some Neanderthals out there taking Marks away… is that even possible? I thought they were extinct…

Me[10:52 pm]: I thought that was just a bedtime story??

Mom[10:55 pm]: Seriously? It’s in the history books! Why would you think that?

Me[10: 57 pm]: You know why… I don’t really care for things involving those stupid Marks. Besides I learned that along with basic math, how am I supposed to remember that?

Mom[10:57 pm]: I know sorry. But you should at least know our history!

Me[10:58 pm]: Ok I’ll watch a documentary on it on Netflix right now

Mom[10:59 pm]: You just got off work! Go to sleep!

Me[10:59 pm]: yea yea goodnight <3

“Maybe we should just sleep Yuki?” I say as she jumps on my lap and continues to purr and make herself comfortable before I could even get up. “Oh well guess I’m not moving.”

I grab the remote and start Netflix and about to click on Stranger, a Korean drama that I binged in the night prior but a new planet earth documentary catches my eye. This time instead of endangered species it’s about Neanderthals, an extinct race of human beings.

“Would you look at that?” I say tilting my head in curiosity. “Guess I am gonna learn our history.”

As the documentary starts to play, I get a text from my boss that she needs me off for tomorrow so I could work a full shift the day after and I internally groan but realize I can sleep in tomorrow. The theme song of Planet Earth starts playing and I am reminded of my childhood when I see the photograph of the Neanderthals, they look more ape like than human. I begin to wonder if they really actually looked like that or if they were exaggerated or not. Would they still look like that or would evolution help them adapt among humans now? Assuming that they were still alive…

“Humans and Neanderthals have always had their differences and constantly were at war with each other. Evolution had blessed humans with the abilities to procreate faster by aiding humans to find suitable partners. Each generation of humans was more beautiful than the previous. The Neanderthals, unfortunately were unable to evolve like us human beings and they would rape and pillage humans in order to procreate. Thanks to our advancement in evolution, humans were able to develop better weapons and eradicate the Neanderthals…”

“Okay,” I said rolling my eyes, raising the remote control. “Enough of that genocide bullshit.”

“But what if that’s all a lie?” a man obscured in the video said. On the bottom where typically the name of professors or researchers would be credited, the name ‘John Doe’ was instead. This caused me to raise my eyebrows. This man did not want to be known. Of course what he just said is considered blasphemous. “What if I were to tell you that humans are not the apex predators-that we never were the apex predator? That our ancestors may have won the war but fabricated history for their benefit?”

“That’s quite possible,” I mumbled. “But how could you possibly obtain the evidence to prove that?” 

“Of course there is no evidence left to prove that but I have dedicated my entire research into finding the remaining Neanderthals. Our ancestors could never locate the actual origin of the Neanderthals-”

“Seriously? I thought that place was just a myth!” I exclaimed, rousing Yuki from her sleep. With the flick of her tail she hopped off the couch and headed to my bedroom to sleep on my bed. “Sorry baby.” 

The documentary went on and on about the possibility that Neanderthals may live among us. That everything we know is a lie, that Neanderthals were the ones who evolved, they were the ones that had Soulmate marks… but there was no evidence to support it.

I turned off the TV when the credits started to roll. “Well another documentary to piss off the republicans.” My eyes started to feel heavy and instead of going to my bed I just pulled the throw blanket over myself and fell asleep. 

“Y/n look! Fireflies!” a boy with crescent moon eyes and Cheshire smile came running up to me with cupped hands. On his arm, was a Soulmate mark that wrapped around his entire arm, like a snake. It was the most beautiful I had ever seen. Most marks were abstract symbols but this was the first animal one I had ever seen.

“Can I see, Jimin?” another boy said excitedly running with buck teeth, almost like a bunny’s. 

“No I want to show Y/n first!” and the boy called Jimin reached me and opened his hands.

The fireflies floated up the sky and both me and the other boy stared in awe. The other boy proceeded to try and catch the fireflies once more and when I looked back at Jimin, he was already staring at me with a gleam in his eyes. He reached for my hand and when our skin made contact, a shiver went through the both of us. When I looked at our joined hands, I noticed that instead of a snake tail on his wrist, the snake’s body seemed to morph into particles and the particles continued onto my arm and morphed into butterflies..like a puzzle piece.

“Y/N-”

Next

Masterlist 

[master-sass-blast]

It’s Truly Magical.

IT’S HONEYMOON TIME!!!

Summary: You and Piotr enjoy your honeymoon --by going to Disneyland, no less.

Pairing(s): Piotr Rasputin x Reader.

Rating: T for implied sex, mention of needles, and briefly referenced childhood trauma but this fic is a fluff fest I promise.

Set after “In the Dawn of a New Day.”

Taglist: @marvel-is-perfection, @chromecutie, @super-darkcloudstudent, @girl-obsessed-with-things, @nebulous-leo

“So let’s see… a week and a half is… uh…”

“Make list.”

You stare down at your suitcase as you try to do the math in your head. You’re trying to pack for yours and Piotr’s honeymoon.

Because the two of you are married now. You, Y/N Rasputin, managed to snatch up the world’s greatest catch for yourself.

Suck it, universe.

“That’s… ten-ish days, so ten outfits –except for the nice dinner, so that’s another outfit, oh, and the plane flights…”

“Just make list.”

The two of you are going to California, courtesy of your uncle; you two get to spend the first four days of the trip at Disneyland, and then the rest of your honeymoon will be spent at a little beach house AirBNB where the two of you can just chill and enjoy the ocean.

“So that’s like… twice as much underwear? Three times as much?” You blink when you remember that this is technically your honeymoon. “Do I even need underwear?”

“This might be easier if you made list, moya lyubov’.”

“And I’ll need… uh…”

“Darling wife of mine.”

You smile bashfully, butterflies fluttering in your stomach at the reminder that you’re his wife now, and look over where Piotr’s sitting on your two’s bed.

He smiles at you, loving and endeared, and tosses a pen and notepad at you. “Just make packing list already.”

(You do, eventually, wind up making a list –though your husband does have to help you with the process.)

 ***

 The day of the flight brings its own boughs of anxiety and struggle. There’s the prospect of trying to navigate the airport properly and get through security –which promises to be a headache regardless of how much time you give yourselves—and then underlying tension that the two of you might get thrown out for being mutants—

But the unarguable worst part of the day happens before the two of you even leave home to head to the airport.

Piotr crosses his arms over his chest, face strained with worry as he stares down the small vial of yellow fluid in your hands. “I do not like this.”

You’re not cleared to fly on commercial flights –and technically won’t ever be, since the psychic scarring on your brain is permanent—without having your mutation repressed in some way, shape, or form. After an extended discussion between Hank, Professor Xavier, Alyssa, and your uncle, the four of them figured that you’d be unlikely to get a repression cuff or collar through airport security, which only left one option to keep your mutation repressed in the event –albeit unlikely—that you had an episode.

Repression serum.

The dose in the vial is only enough to get you safely to California –and you’ll have to use it all for it to work properly. Another vial will be provided before you and Piotr leave California to come back home. There’s no way for you to use it under any other circumstance or hoard it away for later, and Alyssa and Professor Xavier were both confident that you were well past the issues that led you to using it regularly that you wouldn’t be likely to relapse—

But yeah, you don’t like it either.

“It’s what we have to do, sweetheart,” you say, expression grim as you load up the syringe. “It’s for everyone else’s safety. And mine.”

“I know,” Piotr says, paling slightly as he watches you prepare the injection site on your arm. “I just… I really do not like this.”

“It’s going to be okay, honey,” you reassure him. “I’m going to be okay. I promise.”

There’s really not much else to say, considering what you have to do or your history with the repression serum, so you take a deep breath and insert the needle into your arm.

The serum hits as fast as you remember it hitting (since the dose was calibrated for your resistance to the stuff). Within about thirty seconds, you can feel your connection to the air around you being tamped down. It’s almost like someone’s put on a very thick jacket all over every inch of your body.

You grimace once you remove the needle and press a piece of gauze against the injection site. “I don’t like that.”

“Are you alright?” Piotr asks, panic evident in his voice and on his face as he kneels in front of you. “Do you feel sick? Do we need to see Hank?”

“No, no, I’m fine, I just don’t like how the serum feels,” you clarify. “I don’t like not feeling connected to the air. It doesn’t feel good.”

Piotr blinks as understanding flickers across his face, then he abruptly claps a hand over his mouth and stands, turning away from you in the process.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” You quickly set the syringe and the now empty vial aside and stand, maneuvering so you’re positioned in front of your husband. “Piotr, talk to me. What’s going on?”

Piotr shakes his head as he wipes a few tears away from his eyes. “I was afraid… that you would like it. That you would miss using serum. And that you do not… it is big relief to me.”

Tears well up in your eyes as your heart tears for your mush of a man. You wrap your arms around Piotr’s waist and hold him while he takes deep, shaky breaths. “It’s okay, Piotr. I’m okay.”

And you are. You really, truly are.

 ***

 Getting through the airport is just about as much of a hassle as you anticipated. It’s confusing, it’s chaotic, there’s far too much standing in line involved, and the ratio of people to available outlets –logically—should’ve caused a bloodbath by now.

Fortunately, you and Piotr don’t get tossed out for being mutants (even though the two of you “pass” relatively well, you’re both legally required to register as mutants, which always opens up the risk of being thrown out of anywhere that checks your ID).

(Piotr also doesn’t set off the security checkpoint metal detector when he goes through it, which –while logically being a good thing—is honestly kind of disappointing.)

You opt to lean against your husband’s shoulder while the two of you wait to board, at which point you lament over having to wait even longer, to which Piotr remarks that the two of you will still get to board earlier than everyone else because you’re flying in first class, which prompts you to pull out your boarding pass and study it—

“We’re flying first class?”

Piotr chuckles as he drapes his arm over your shoulders. “You just realized this?”

“You’re the one who checked all the tickets and reservations, not me!”

The ticket does, in fact, confirm that the two of you have first class seats reserved –next to each other, too, which is a bonus.

“Why’d my uncle get us first class seats?” you ponder quietly. “It’s so expensive.”

“Probably my size,” Piotr reasons. “I have trouble fitting in smaller seats.”

You shrug, then smile up at your spouse. “Well, we can at least have fun with flying first class for the first time!”

“That we can,” he agrees before dipping his head to kiss you.

 ***

 As it is, Piotr still barely fits into the first class seat. It’s clearly better suited to accommodate him than an economy seat –but only barely.

Fortunately, you don’t need the dividing armrest down to be comfortable, and you’re more than happy to be closely snuggled against your hubby for several hours. You take the window seat so Piotr has an easier time getting in and out of your seat and nestle up against him while he scans the in-flight safety pamphlet.

“You two are absolutely adorable,” one of the flight attendants comments with a smile. “We don’t see a lot of super lovey couples on the flights.”

“I think it helps that we’re flying out for our honeymoon,” you joke; at home, it’s a well known fact that you and Piotr are a pair of regular lovebirds –though, the added buzz from the wedding and honeymoon doesn’t hurt.

The flight attendant beams when you show off your engagement ring and wedding band. “Congratulations! That’s so wonderful! We do offer complimentary beverages and snacks to our first class passengers. Maybe some sparkling wine to celebrate, or a cookie and some milk if you’re not alcohol drinkers?”

You look up at Piotr. “Cookies and milk?”

He smiles down at you, then nods at the flight attendant. “Cookies and milk would be nice.”

 ***

 Fun fact: A non-stop flight from New York to California is a little over six hours.

Additional fun fact: years of being able to fly one’s self makes travelling by plane a touch lackluster.

“We’re not even breaking the sound barrier,” you whisper to Piotr at one point. “Where’s the fun in that?”

He merely snorts and kisses the top of your head.

All in all, though, it’s a good time. The two of you snuggle against each other as the plane soars through the skies, Piotr fills you in on all things Disney, and you play games provided on the little screen interfaces on the backs of the seats in front of you.

You’re also provided a proper meal a couple hours into the flight –and, much to Piotr’s delight, it’s reasonably healthy, if not necessarily portioned out for someone of his size.

“The perks of flying first class, I guess,” you comment before starting in on your food.

 ***

 Actually arriving in California, admittedly, is a bit of a mindfuck, solely due to the time difference between the East Coast and the West Coast.

“None of this feels right,” you mumble as you try to reconcile the earlier time to your inner body clock.

“Imagine how I felt first coming from Russia,” Piotr comments as he scans the directional signs to figure out where the two of you need to pick up your luggage.

“Shit, yeah, that’d be insane.” You frown. “How does your family manage to jump between here and there, then?”

Piotr shrugs. “Lots of coffee, probably.”

 ***

 The process of getting to the famed park is far less drawn out than the flight. Once you two have your luggage, you head over to the car rental place and pick up your car –rented so the two of you have a reliable way to get around for the rest of your honeymoon—and take the half hour drive to the park.

You give Piotr a goofy smile when another motorist curses you out for abiding by the traffic laws. “It’s like we never left home.”

Piotr just tips his head back and laughs.

 ***

 To make everything extra special, your hotel reservation is at one of the hotels in the park itself –very appropriately named “Disneyland Hotel.” The two of you get checked in and head up to your room—

And it’s nice. There’s a massive king-sized bed that sits directly across from a combination dresser and TV cabinet. A desk and chair sit next to the dresser-cabinet combo, and a cushy looking armchair sits next to the bed on the far side of the room. Everything’s decorated in warm, inviting tones of brown and gold, save for a genuinely pretty blue and gold carpet. On the other side of the bed, closest to the door, is another door that leads to a bathroom.

It’s nice. Clean. It has amenities like a mini-fridge and a coffee maker and an ironing board.

It’s also like almost any other hotel you’ve ever been in.

Piotr shrugs when you remark as much. “Were you expecting something else?”

“I don’t know… mouse ears everywhere? Super bright colors and patterns?”

Piotr chuckles as he sets yours and his suitcases down. “The crucial experience is park. Rooms are supposed to promote rest and relaxation.”

“Fair enough.” You dart over to the window on the far side of the room to check out the view, then chuckle when all you can see is the parking lot. “Oh, damn, can’t get this view anywhere else.” You whip out your phone to take a Snapchat video of the view, then tuck it back in your pocket and turn around when you hear Piotr groan and the bed creak ominously.

He’s dropped face-down into the bed, arms spread out like a starfish and legs hanging haphazardly off the bed.

You cross your arms over your chest. “Feeling comfy, baby?”

“Planes do not agree with me,” he laments, voice muffled by the bed.

“I bet.” You cross over to the bed and hop up next to him. “How about this,” you suggest as you gently rub his back. “We just get some room service –because I’m hungry—and then just stretch out and rest. We’ve got four days here at the park; that’s plenty of time to check everything out.”

“Sounds wonderful.” He lifts his head and grins at you. “We are at Disneyland.”

“Yeah, we are,” you reply with a grin of your own. “Are you excited?”

He giggles and nods before dropping his head back down. “Very.”

You gently run your fingers through his hair and kiss the top of his head before turning and rummaging through the nightstand drawer for a room service menu. “You get comfortable, babe. I’ll get us some food.”

 ***

 The two of you eat and take a little nap before unpacking. Since you aren’t staying the entire duration of your trip at the park, you only unpack what you need –a few clothes, some toiletries, a couple of things to do during down time…

And, in your husband’s case, an entire pantry’s worth of healthy snacks and protein bars.

You gape as Piotr carefully tucks away a supply of unsalted veggie chips, mixes of dried fruit and nuts, crackers with “extra fiber” (whatever the fuck that means), and a couple boxes of protein bars into one of the dresser drawers. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Piotr! We are on vacation!”

“We still need to eat!” he retorts defensively.

“They have restaurants and room service here!” you argue, trying to hold back amused laughter. “And we can always buy food if we need something they don’t have!”

“It is still less expensive this way,” he reasons.

“The park expenses are on someone else’s tab, and we’ll still have to get groceries for the rest of our trip.”

The gears in Piotr’s head visibly turn while he processes your statement. He huffs –and shoots you an amused glare when you giggle—and continues unpacking his snacks. “Just wait until end of trip, when you are sick from travel food and I am not. You will eat words then.”

“The only thing I want to eat is your dick,” you fire back, snickering when the tips of Piotr’s ears go red. You pick up one of the boxes out of the dresser drawer and read the label. “‘Multi-grain Nutritional Crackers, now with Extra Fiber.’ Honestly, you are such an old man.”

Piotr shakes his head, takes the box from you and puts it back in the drawer, then lifts you up into his arms. “Not old just yet.”

You giggle and press your lips against his.

 *** 

 The following morning hosts massive bouts of excitement –Piotr—and general disgust at the existence of mornings in general –you.

Your mood does perk up, though, upon having some proper breakfasts in one of the restaurants in the hotel –accompanied by coffee and some of the park’s legendary Dole whip, no less. By the time the two of you head into the “attractions” part of the park, you’re just as pepped up as your Disney-loving hubby.

The two of you wander around a bit, getting a sense for the park and where everything is, until—

“Babe!” You point at the Alice in Wonderland spinning teacups ride. “Let’s go on that one!”

Piotr acquiesces, and the two of you get in line for the ride. It takes a fair bit of standing and waiting, but eventually the two of you are ushered onto one of the massive teacups. You both get settled, then wait for the ride to start.

“What’s this for?” you ask, tapping a stand in the middle with what looks like a steering wheel attached to the top.

“To spin ride,” Piotr explains. “It makes cup spin faster.”

Your eyes widen as you stare at the device. “I thought the ride just spun the cups on its own.”

“It does.” Piotr gestures to the frame the cups sit on. “Entire ride spins like merry-go-round. Riders can spin cups while ride spins.”

You grin, borderline maniacally. “Fuck. Yeah.”

Once the ride starts, you immediately start trying to spin the cup as fast as you can. Under any other circumstances, you suspect the cup would spin without too much resistance.

However, those circumstances don’t involve having the world’s heaviest Russian husband in the cup at the same time.

You grunt as you try to spin the cup. “Dammit! Why do you have to be so heavy?”

“It is not end of world, msyhka,” Piotr chuckles. “Just sit back and enjoy ride.”

“I want to go fast! But I can’t do that because I just happened to shack up with the one Russian juggernaut that eats lead for breakfast!”

Piotr laughs again –then grips the wheel and gives it a mighty yank.

You shriek, delighted, as the cup whips around at maximum speed. The world dissolves into a blur of color and noise as your hair whips around and smacks your face.

It’s like flying without the physical effort of flying. It’s amazing.

“That was awesome!” you giggle as you stumble off the ride. “We should go –babe?”

Piotr staggers after you, looking considerably worse for wear. He’s gone pale –paler than usual, at least—and clammy looking, and his jaw is clenched tight. “I think,” he manages in a weak, shaky voice, “that was mistake.”

You put your hands on his arms, helping steady him. “Holy shit, baby, you look awful. Come on, let’s get back to the hotel room so you can lay down.”

“Perhaps that would be for best,” Piotr agrees as you steer him in the direction of the hotel.

 ***

 “No fucking way. The Steel Boy Scout can’t handle rollercoasters. That’s incredible!”

“I mean, in his defense, it was a spin heavy ride,” you say to Wade as you stroke Piotr’s hair.

The two of you are back in your hotel room; Piotr had opted to lay face down on the bed and bury his face in a pillow, while you’d opted to call Wade and update him on how the vacation was going –or, rather, wasn’t.

“Yeah, well, still,” Wade insists in your ear. “It’s funny. He’s a superhero who battles diabolical villains on a regular basis, and he can’t handle spinning around a little.”

“I mean, you make a valid point—”

The bed lurches as Piotr shoots off it and sprints to the bathroom.

“Ah, shit. I’ve gotta go.”

“Has Chernobyl finally decided to blow?”

You wince as the sounds of Piotr emptying his stomach contents into the toilet emanate from the bathroom. “Yeah. I’ll talk to you later.”

 ***

 You spend the rest of the day in the hotel room to let Piotr properly recuperate. You order room service for the two of you once Piotr’s feeling well enough to eat, and otherwise spend the day texting, scrolling through social media, or watching TV while you hold your husband and stroke his hair.

All in all, it’s a day perfectly spent.

And, fortunately, Piotr’s feeling well enough by the time the day comes to a close that the two of you can catch one of the park’s famed fireworks shows. Granted, you have to stand off to the side so Piotr doesn’t block anyone’s view, but it’s still a stunning spectacle to behold.

(It also gives Wade’s fireworks “demonstrations” a run for their money, which isn’t something you’d ever thought could be possible.)

“Are you feeling better, honey?” you ask as the two of you stroll back to the hotel, hand in hand.

“Much.” Piotr squeezes your hand gently. “Tomorrow should go much better.”

“Here’s hoping. No more spinning rides for you, mister.”

Piotr chuckles and shakes his head. “On that, we are agreed.”

 ***

 The following morning, Piotr’s in a much better state than the previous day. After a hearty breakfast at the hotel, the two of you head back into the attractions part of the park and scope out more rides to try out –with a strict emphasis on “non-spinning” for your husband’s sake.

Eventually, the two of you come across a ride called “Big Thunder” that seems promising. The two of you hop in line to get on the ride—

Except upon finally being able to get on said ride, it turns out that Piotr’s too big for the safety mechanisms to work properly.

You burst out cackling as Piotr sheepishly extricates himself from his seat and steps back onto the platform. “We can’t win with you, huh, baby?”

“It would see not.” He kisses you gently. “I’ll see you back at walkway.”

You smile at him and blow him another kiss as he heads towards the exit.

Then, an attendant comes by to check your harness and the harnesses of the other rides. There’s the sound of the motors that run the coaster coming to life and hissing –and then the ride shoots forward.

And you scream.

 ***

 “It was awesome!” you gush to Piotr once you find him outside the ride. “It’s like flying, but I get to sit down the entire time. It’s basically perfect! Although, I think we’re gonna have to skip rides while we’re here. You’re not gonna fit on… any of them, really.”

Piotr chuckles and kisses the top of your head. “You can still go on rides, myshka. This is your trip, also. And there are calmer rides and other attractions I can enjoy.”

“Alright.” You take a moment to check a map of the park that Piotr downloaded and sent to your phone. “Do you want to go find a ride we can both go on?”

“That sounds very nice.”

You smile and take his hand in yours, then the two of you head off in search of a ride that both of you can go on.

 ***

 The two of you wind up going on Astro Blasters –even though neither of you are very good at hitting any of the targets—and going on the famed Pirates of the Caribbean ride together, and you also hit Splash Mountain and the Indiana Jones rides on your own.

(Piotr pays to get pictures of you riding the rides on your own and gets a good chuckle out of your open-mouthed, exhilarated expressions.)

You also take time just to wander around the park and take everything in. You two take a selfie in front of Sleeping Beauty’s castle, spy the Mickey Mouse costume character strolling around and saying hi to kids, and generally take in the sights and sounds of the park –of which there are many.

Just like the advertising says, it’s genuinely magical.

 ***

 “Are you enjoying Disneyland?”

Piotr grins as he wipes his fingers on a napkin. “Da. I really am. Are you?”

You grin back and lean over to kiss his shoulder. “Yeah. It’s pretty awesome.”

The two of you had opted to stop for lunch after a bit, with Piotr citing that getting overtired or going too long without eating in the baking California heat would wind up doing either of you in. You’d decided to get a corndog and a soda, whereas Piotr had purchased one of the famed turkey legs and a bottle of water.

(The picture you’d taken of Piotr biting into his turkey leg was nothing short of priceless.)

“I want to get something to remember trip by,” Piotr continues as he polishes off his turkey leg (which had taken him the same time to eat as it had for you to devour your corndog). “Proper memento.”

“Well, Mikhail did give us that jar of money after the reception,” you point out. “You want to use that to get a little honeymoon treat? Maybe some matching mouse ear headbands?”

Piotr beams and nods. “That sounds wonderful.”

 ***

 The two of you resume wandering around the park after eating lunch. You briefly stop to watch a parade of characters and decorated vehicles go by, then resume the hunt for some proper mementos to commemorate your honeymoon at the park.

Which, actually, is easier said than done. The park has several shops scattered throughout it and different kiosks by rides that host specially themed mouse-eared headbands. Trying to compare all the options available, let alone narrow things down to a top pick, is almost too tall a task to handle.

(Not to mention that the headbands themselves are egregiously expensive. Holy shit.)

Eventually, though, you settle on a sequined Minnie Mouse ears headband –complete with a sequined red bow with white polka dots—while Piotr opts for a classic –sequins free—Mickey Mouse ears headband.

“I think we look pretty good!” you declare as you post one of the selfies you took of you and Piotr to Instagram.

Piotr brushes a soft kiss against your temple. “I agree –but you look best.”

You sputter and duck your head bashfully. “You’re awfully sweet, Mr. Rasputin.”

“Says person eating cotton candy.”

“Not my fault it’s good.” You split your last bite in half and offer part of it to him –then gape when he actually accepts it. “What’s this? You actually ate cotton candy!”

Piotr rolls his eyes good naturedly –though he does pull a face at how sweet the candy is. “Is my vacation. I eat treats if I want.”

You grin and giggle, then yank on his hand and head in the direction of another vendor stand. “Ooh, come on! I need to get a pretzel!”

“You just finished cotton candy.”

“Yeah, but—” you glance around and lower your voice carefully “—I need to get a Snapchat of it so I can send Wade a snap about being a ‘childless whore fucking up the pretzel line.’”

Piotr’s eyes widen and he claps a hand over his mouth to stifle a massive snort. “What?”

“Baby, please?”

He shakes his head, but ultimately acquiesces. “Lead way, myshka.”

 ***

 You wake up on the third day of your trip with sore legs and feet, a barely there stomach ache from eating too much cotton candy the day previous, and an erection pressed against your ass.

You grin when Piotr’s lips start pressing against your neck. “Morning, sweetheart. Feeling good?”

“Chrezvychayno.”

You sigh, content, when his hand latches onto your hip and his other arm presses against your chest, pulling you flush against him. “Y’know… we’ve pretty much done everything we can do in the park. We could just…” You swing one of your arms back so you can slide your hand down his side. “Stay in bed today. Order room service. Do what all honeymooners do.”

“That,” Piotr murmurs huskily, lustily. “Sounds perfect.”

 ***

 You two spend the last day of the Disney part of your trip largely lazing around. You stroll through the park to get more pictures and check out a few more rides, but other than that you two simply enjoy each other’s company until the time for your dinner reservation at the renowned Blue Bayou restaurant comes. The two of you take a few hours to get cleaned and dressed up for the dinner –a cocktail dress with blue and purple flowers for you and a suit with a blue and purple tie for him—and head over to the Blue Bayou restaurant.

The space itself is nothing short of breathtaking. There’s trees along the edge of the outdoor dining area, and lanterns and flowers are strung across the space to give it a soft, ethereal feel.

You two are seated in a quiet corner of the dining area at a sleek black table bordered by chairs with elegant backs that look like wrought iron; the waiter hands you two your menus and takes your drink orders—

And then it’s just you and Piotr.

You glance up from perusing your menu and smile at your husband. “Anything in particular looking good?”

He “hmms” thoughtfully. “Possibly lamb… or roasted chicken.”

“They both look good,” you agree. You nudge his leg under the table, then grin at him when he looks up at you. “Love you.”

Piotr beams at you. “I love you, too.”

The waiter returns a couple minutes later with your drinks, jots down your orders, then takes your menus and whisks away once more.

Piotr reaches across the table –careful not to knock into either of your glasses or the candle at the center of the table—and takes one of your hands in his. “So. We are married.”

You grin. “Hell yeah we are.”

He smiles back, then gazes thoughtfully at the engagement ring and wedding band on your left hand while rubbing circles against the back of your hand with his thumb. “What comes next?”

You let out a huff. “I mean… we have a house to furnish.”

“That we do,” Piotr chuckles. “But I meant more for us. What do you want us to do next, as couple?”

You glance around surreptitiously, then quietly suggest, “Have lots of sex?”

Piotr snorts. “Duly noted, myshka. Answer question seriously, please.”

You sit back in your seat, taking a moment to enjoy the way his thumb rubs against your hand before mulling over the question. “I don’t know. Right now, I’m kinda just content to enjoy the moment and our new life together.”

Piotr nods after a moment. “Okay. And… in future?”

“Kids, eventually,” you say, flashing a demure smile at him. “I mean, I think we should get the house furnished and functional first, but… maybe in the next year or two.”

Piotr smiles at that, eyes sparkling and face glowing. “Alright. It is your body; you set all rules.”

“I think in a year or two we can start trying,” you reiterate. “But, right now, I’m just looking to enjoy us. You.”

His smile softens, and he squeezes your hand gently. “That sounds very nice.”

You smile back, slowly getting lost in the depths of his sparkling blue eyes—

It really is magical.

[cantgetoutofmyheda]

I love affair au but can you write a cute small town au. Best friends to lovers in the big city.

“Clarke, wake up,” Lexa shouted through the door leading to the blonde’s room, “I can’t find my neck pillow!”

“Ugh,” the blonde murmured from the nest of blankets she had burrowed herself into, “I’m sleeping, Lexa.”

The brunette took Clarke’s reply as a cue to open the door, “Have you seen it anywhere?”

“Lex!” Clarke huffed as she put a pillow over her head to block out the sound of her best friend’s voice.

Lexa pulled her lips into a smirk before plunging herself atop the blonde’s body, “Morning, Clarke.”

Clarke begrudgingly removed the pillow covering her face, “Why must you do this to me?”

Lexa stayed in her position, knowing Clarke wasn’t awake enough to have the strength to push her off, “Because it’s nearly 10am and there’s no reason for you to still be asleep. And because my flight is in two hours and can’t find my neck pillow and something tells me you’ve hidden it from me.”

“Well,” Clarke rubbed her sleepy eyes as she sat up, “maybe if you weren’t traveling so much, I wouldn’t have to start hiding things from you.”

Lexa rolled her eyes, “You hiding my things isn’t going to stop work from making me travel.”

“What if next time I hid your passport?” Clarke raised a brow.

Lexa snorted, “Then I’d tell you to have fun explaining that to Titus.”

It wasn’t that the blonde’s actions we’re just, but Lexa understood where she was coming from. After all, it had been Lexa’s idea that the pair moved from their small and quaint hometown to Polis. Lexa had a great job opportunity waiting and knew that Clarke would be able to still do her freelance graphic design work from wherever she pleased; she also knew a bigger city meant a better chance at getting more clients.

The thing is, Lexa and Clarke had been inseparable their entire lives. They grew up down the street from each other, they started daycare together, they went through middle school and high school together, they even roomed together in college. Unknowingly, they had become an extension of one another.

“It’s not fair,” Clarke let out, to which Lexa raised a questioning brow.

“What isn’t fair?”

At this point, Clarke was fully sitting up. Lexa had finally gotten off the top of her and was seated by her side. The blonde leaned her head on her best friend’s shoulder, “You made me move here with you, but you’re never actually here.”

“Clarke-”

Clarke shook her head as she cut the girl off, “No, it’s true. This was your idea and now it feels like I’m just stuck here while you’re off traveling the world. I only see you a few times a month now, Lex, and when I do, you’re running around the apartment like a crazy person, unpacking and repacking your suitcase for your next trip.”

Lexa closed her eyes in thought, “I know.”

“At this rate, we might as well get a one bedroom to save on rent since you’re never here,” Clarke let out.

“That’s not fair, Clarke.”

“It’s not fair that this was your idea and now I’m just stuck here.”

“After this trip, I don’t have to go anywhere for another three weeks,” Lexa offered, “Maybe I can take a few days off and we can go somewhere for a long weekend.”

Clarke shook her head, “The last time you said that, they put you on a last minute flight to London and we had to cancel our Airbnb. I’d rather not chance that again.”

Defeated, Lexa grounded her feet to the cold wooden floors to start her exit back to her own bedroom, “I’m sorry, Clarke. I’ll be better, I promise.”

“Lex,” Clarke called after the girl, “I’m proud of you. You worked so hard to get this job and I know all the travel is because you’re doing an amazing job. I just miss you. I miss you a lot.”

“Me too,” the brunette sighed as she leaned against the door frame.

Clarke clicked her tongue, “I hid it under the couch cushion. Have a safe trip, Lex.”

Lexa nodded as she gave the blonde a somber smile, “I’ll be home soon.”

--

Lexa looked down at her phone, her text to Clarke from the day prior saying she had landed safely was still unanswered.

“For someone who just sold in a solid plan, you don’t look so happy,” Lincoln said as he put their drinks down and reclaimed his seat at the table.

“Thanks, Linc,” she nodded her drink at her coworker before taking a sip, “I’m fine. Just some other things going on.”

The man nodded, “Anything you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know. Clarke’s just annoyed with me because I’ve been gone so much, I don’t know what to do to make it better.”

“For two people who are just friends, you definitely have the problems of people that are in an actual relationship,” he laughed.

Lexa clenched her jaw as she stared at him.

“Sorry, not funny,” he conceded, “But did you ever stop to think about why she’s actually upset? Maybe she has feelings for you.”

“There’s no way,” Lexa rolled her eyes, “we’re best friends.”

Lincoln nodded, “Listen, I don’t want to meddle here, so I’m just going to give you my two cents and then we can move on, okay?” He waited for her to nod before he continued, “ Think about what’s most important to you and prioritize that. If it’s work, talk to Clarke to manage her expectations. If it’s Clarke’s feelings and your guys’ friendship, or whatever this is, all you have to do is tell Titus that the travel has been too much for you and that you need to cut it down a little so you can better balance your work and personal life. You just need to decide which one takes precedence.”

“Right,” Lexa sighed, “that’s the hard part.”

Lincoln raised a brow, “Choosing?”

“No,” she exhaled, “coming to terms with my choice.”

The man smiled, “I see.”

Lexa gulped the rest of her whiskey down and stared into the bottom of the glass, “I think I need another drink.”

---

It was a handy trick, she had to admit that. Taking a photo of her room number whenever she checked into a hotel had become an instinctual thing for Lexa. With the amount of traveling she did, and after confusing room numbers on her first few trips, it had become second nature to her.

She pulled out her phone in the elevator to double check that she was going to the correct floor when she realized she had a notification for an unread text.

The first thing that popped into her mind: Clarke.

The actuality of the situation: Titus.

He wrote to her asking if she could extend her trip by an additional day and instead of returning home after these string of meetings, fly direct to the Dallas office for three days.

“Fuck.”

The moment Lexa got into her room, she stripped down to ready herself for bed and took her phone back out. She drafted a response to Titus, edited it three times, and finally sent it. She toggled to her unanswered text to Clarke who she now had to write a message to: I’m sorry, I miss you and wish that I was home.

---

The flight back to Polis had Lexa in a bundle of nerves. It was comical that she had to travel as much as she did because she really did hate airplanes. She still hadn’t heard from Clarke. The cab ride to their apartment was no better, she was playing every possible scenario in her mind of how the conversation was going to go. She had zoned so far out that the cab driver had to call out to her three times that they had arrived at her destination.

It was noon on a Thursday, Clarke should be home—likely set up at the coffee table in the living room working on whatever project she had assigned to her this week. As she turned the key through the lock and slowly pushed the door open, in anticipation to meet eyes with the person that had been ignoring her, all she found was an empty apartment.

Lexa sighed as she looked around: no Clarke and no sign that Clarke had been working from the apartment that morning. She went straight to her room, leaving her suitcase in the corner—she would deal with that later. She found a pen and paper, wanting to write Clarke a note, when she realized her closet door was open. She walked over and saw that a few things had been moved, likely from her rushed packing job, closed it, and headed to the blonde’s room to drop the piece of paper off.

When she opened the door, she was caught off guard by the sight before her. Clarke seemed to still be asleep, but peeking out between her messy golden hair, sheets, and blankets, was Lexa’s childhood stuffed raccoon: a stuffed animal that had acted like a security blanket for the brunette throughout the years.

The scene in front of her tugged at her heart in a way she didn’t know was possible, a way she couldn’t even describe. She took one more look at Clarke before climbing next to her in bed and draping her arm around the blonde’s waist.

Clarke stirred and immediately turned around when she realized someone was laying next to her, “Lex?”

Lexa suddenly lost her words, “Hi.”

“You’re home? You weren’t supposed to come back until tomorrow,” the blonde pointed out.

Lexa sighed, “Actually, last night, Titus asked if I could stay until Saturday and then go directly to Dallas for a few days.”

Clare furrowed her brow, “But you’re home?”

“I am,” Lexa nodded, “I told him I had some things to take care of, Linc is covering the rest of the meetings for me and doing the Dallas trip.”

“Why?”

“You are the most important person in my life and I never wanted you to feel like I was abandoning you. I know it was my idea to come here and that I had to talk you into it,” Lexa sighed, “You were right with what you said before I left. It’s not fair that I did this to you. I needed to apologize to your face and it couldn’t wait until after Dallas.”

Clarke’s brow was still furrowed, “You cancelled two work trips to tell me all this, Lex?”

“I told you, it couldn’t wait. You weren’t talking to me, Clarke,” Lexa started, tears starting to well in her eyes, “We’ve never not talked before, you’ve never ignored me before. It made me realize some things.”

Clarke’s eyes met Lexa’s, “Like what?”

“That I missed you, that I never want you to feel that way again, that I love you.”

The blonde nodded, “I love you too, Lex-”

“No,” Lexa cut her off, “I don’t think you get it. I love you, Clarke. This fight? Realizing how I was making you feel? It brought perspective to things. I love you, I am in love with you.”

As Lexa made her proclamation, her eyes immediately darted away from Clarke’s, utterly afraid of how the blonde would take it.

In the silence of the moment, she felt arms snake around her side, pulling her closer towards the blonde and the stuffed raccoon.

“Me too,” Clarke whispered, “I’m in love with you, too.”

[mxrcayong]

let it unfold - chapter three

chapter three;

day one:

“Oh my God.” Both Katie and Mark gaped in awe at their AirBnB. It was an entire flat with beautiful views of Vancouver city. The living room had two couches and a TV. It was then connected to a single bedroom with a queen bed and a den with another sofa bed.

Katie dropped her suitcase on the floor, jumping onto the couch – making Mark laugh. “I get the den.” She claimed. She wanted Mark to have the bedroom; after all, this trip was for him – not for her. She’d do whatever she can to make sure he’s getting the most of this experience.

“Yo, no” Mark quickly interjected, “Bro, I made-.”

“No, no, no” Katie stood up, now walking over the dumbstruck Mark standing and rejecting her claim. “No, no, no” She continued to repeat, now standing in front of Mark and playfully slapping Mark’s chest. He smiled; chuckling at the sight of his best friend, whose hair was messy from falling asleep on the plane and she refused to wear make-up with as she was flying and didn’t see the point. “Now,” She started, letting out a huff. “Let’s shower, get ready, and grab some bikes, yeah?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything felt perfect.

The sea breeze was intoxicating, the smell of salt water was welcoming. Katie was biking ahead, and as there were a lack of cars on the road, took her hands off the handles and held her arms wide open in the air. Mark couldn’t help but chuckle, but follow her leading – screaming ‘woop’ alongside the motion.

“I hope you know I have no clue where I’m biking!” Katie shouted over her shoulder, putting her hands back on the handles as she felt her balance falter.

Mark smiled to himself. He had no place he was required to be, he had no place he wanted to go in particular. “Me either!” Katie looked back at him in shock, nervous that they’re going nowhere. “We’re free!”

Her heart warmed. He was free. She didn’t hate K-Pop; she loves it, but she knows how grueling their schedules are. From 8am to mostly midnights, they’re monitored and working. Their personal lives are controlled. Mark has been in this situation since he was in middle school. He never had the opportunity to be free by himself; to live life unmonitored. He is free to be a mess, to do whatever, to make mistakes, to be lost. She no longer cares about how her boss reacts – after all, this was an extra year; she did all her mandatory hours already and she was being paid less than a normal TA anyway. She only cared about his smile, his happiness.

This was a new side to Mark she has never seen, and she couldn’t be happier that it’s finally out there.

day two:

The smells from delicatessens and bakeries absolutely consumed them as they wandered through the crowded aisles of the Granville Public Market. Mark’s childhood friends and their girlfriends met them outside; not wanting to maneuver and navigate their way through the halls. All of them immediately assumed Katie was his girlfriend, to which both of them quickly denied. Aaron, one of his childhood friends, quickly took hold of his girlfriend Leila as they started entering the market.

“We should stick together until we find a table.” Mark’s other childhood friend, John, recommended as he wrapped his arm around his girlfriend, Sammy’s shoulder. “It would be our designated spot. In the mean time, just stay close.”  

They took that as a mere warning, but as soon as they approached the entrance; the crowds of people felt suffocating. Mark turned around, “Hold my hand”. He held his hand out and it felt like a ray of sunshine on a depressingly rainy day. Katie nodded slightly as a thank you, quickly accepting his invitation and wrapping her hand around his. He didn’t waste any time in lacing his fingers in hers.

She chuckled slightly, but the feeling made her feel warm – as it always dd. Mark never had enough time or the right mindset to acknowledge how Katie’s presence made him feel. He always knew he could liken her presence to home, but there was something new to this feeling; as if he was being awakened for the first time. He felt his heart rush, but only for a period of time before he remembered who she was; his best friend. He turned around to look at her for a brief moment as she lagged behind, caught up in the movement of the crowd.

She looked so shy; so nervous. Her eyes were looking at the ground, obviously trying to make sure not to step on anyone before occasionally looking up to look at the food. Her eyes brightened at the sight of macaroons. He started to notice the small gleam of excitement that blessed her eyes as she got excited, the way her lips are slightly parted as she walked on her tiptoes to look over someone’s shoulder at the produce. He smiled to himself; she looked angelic. Even the day prior; with the wind blowing through her hair as her melodious laugh was all he could hear in the crowded port.

It was when Aaron went up the stairs and found a large table where they stopped. “I think I’m going to grab a hot dog, anyone else see anything they like?” Their view from the table was beautiful; they got to see the bustling market and the lights hanging on the poles whilst observing the seaside.

“Mark,” Katie turned to face Mark, who was still tightly holding her hand as a reminder he won’t let go. She used her free hand to lightly tap him on the chest, “They had a bagel place. I think the name was Siegal’s Bagels? Do you want me to grab you one?”

He wanted to hug her. The one time he mentioned bagels to her was the first week they met and he mentioned bagels will be the one food he’d always want, and as a result, it was the food Katie always made sure to bring Mark when he’s forgotten to eat. “Oh, no, let me get everything. What do you want?”

“I’m an independent woman! I can do it.” She exclaimed, putting her hands on her hips.

Mark started pouting, “Please.”

“Fuck you and your puppy dog eyes.” She playfully squinted, her eyebrows furrowing and her nose scrunching up. “A four cheese pizza please.”

“Coming your way.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Wait, so what’s the drinking age here?” Mark asked, leaning forward as his friends discussed what the best taster Canadian-made beers for Mark and Katie.

Sammy chuckled, “Don’t worry, you’re legal.” Night has brought darkness among the city, causing the surrounding seaside buildings to turn on their fairy lights. They spent the whole day in Greenville – catching up (and in Katie’s case, getting to know) his friends, wandering the sea wall, watching buskers while eating soft serve, and taking a ferry. They decided to end the night at a dock-side restaurant with some beers and fish and chips.

Leila smiled softly, “You know, Mark used to be in the marching band.” Katie’s eyes widened, immediately turning to Mark whose cheeks turned red. “He used to play the flute.”

“You need to play it for me some time!” Katie exclaimed, turning around and playfully slapping on Mark’s shoulder with her jaw dropped.

He quickly held his hands up in defense. “I haven’t touched a flute since I landed in Korea.” Mark squinted at John, “Did you tell her?”

“Didn’t have to,” He shrugged as he flipped through the menu, “She was also on the marching band, you were just too shy to talk to her.”

“Wait, so how did you all meet?” Katie asked, motioning to Sammy and Leila.

Sammy chuckled, “Well, I was always in the same school as them.” She noted, “Aaron and I started dating in freshmen year after being assigned that baby project for home economics.”

“I think you’re supposed to have the baby after you start dating,” Katie teased, making Leila stifle a laugh.

“And when Aaron and her started dating, she decided to set me up on a blind group date with them and John.” Leila added, “I just moved the year prior and I’m quite shy, so like, I didn’t have many friends and went ‘why not’.”

Eventually, the beers and the dishes were on the table. All of them were quickly tipsy, laughing at anything they mentioned. Mark’s arm found itself hanging loosely over Katie’s shoulder, Katie leaning into Mark.

Between the laughter, while waiting for the next round of drinks and after the millionth embarrassing story of Mark which made his Asian glow even more red, Katie smiled – looking up at Mark as she rested her head on his chest. “Thank you.” She said quietly.

Mark looked down, furrowing his eye brows. “For what?”

“For introducing me to another side of your life.” She hummed.

He smiled back at her; looking at how her cheeks became pink from the alcohol, her eyes more doe-like, her hair slightly astray. “It’s no problem. I’m glad you’re in my life.”

The two shared a soft smile, which didn’t go unnoticed by Mark’s old friends and Katie’s newfound ones (who already shared all their contact details with each other).

Sammy and Leila winked to each other, “Hey Katie, we’re gonna go to the bathroom.”

“Oh, I’ll go with.” Katie said instinctively, standing up. Sammy and Leila had a confrontation planned.

While Mark was dealt with interrogation from the boys, “So you definitely have a thing for her, right?” Aaron chuckled, not beating around the bush.

“What?” He exclaimed, “No!” Mark quickly defended.

“Cut the bull.” John said, dead-faced.

He sighed, “I mean I never had the opportunity to acknowledge the details of how I felt about her. I’m thinking it’s just because she’s my close female friend.”

“Okay, how do you feel about her then?”

night two (aka later that night)

“Mark?” Katie asked, turning around on the bed – Mark refusing Katie to drunkenly set up her sofa bed and to share the bed with him instead. “Why did you choose me to come here?”

He smiled. He hated how cringey and cliché this was going to sound, but the alcohol in the system allowed it to slip out without filter. “Because I said I wanted to go home.”

day three:

Mark’s first hangover without Taeyong or his parents taking care of him was special. It was also the first night Katie and Mark shared a bed and both of them refused to get out of bed. “I’m so glad we picked up groceries the first day.” Katie mumbled into the pillow, making Mark groan.

“I’ll make some food.” He groaned silently, about to stand up.

Katie quickly pushed him back on the bed, “No, you take a shower. You stink of alcohol.” He chuckled; he did drink about three more drinks than her. He reluctantly agreed before falling back into bed as Katie stood up. “And also because I’ll actually get an aneurism watching you cook eggs.”

“HEY!”

day four:

“Excuse me?” Mark approached a stranger on the street, holding out Katie’s polaroid cameraa. “Can you take a photo of us?” The old lady smiled. Katie quickly informed her on how to use the polaroid before the two of them stand next to the shop sign saying ‘photobombing the steam clock since 2018’. Mark wrapped his arm around Katie’s waist, the two of them using their free hands for the small hearts with their fingers.

Once the white sheet popped out, Mark quickly asked if she could take another photo with his phone. I’ll use that as my lock screen, he told himself.

“You two make a lovely couple.” They didn’t bother correcting the old lady as she continued on throughout her day, just thanking her for her time.

“Well then,” Katie chuckled, smiling at the photo and putting on her best posh accent. “I think my boyfriend and I look absolutely riveting in this photo.”

He chuckled, rolling his eyes – ignoring his racing heart at her referring to him as her boyfriend. “Let’s get on our way, girlfriend.” He didn’t want to call her that without it not being true – but he didn’t want her to change her behavior around him, so he forced himself to act normal.

“We should check out Vans,” She noted, “I think Yuta had his eyes on a pair of their shoes.”

day five:

“Do you want to stay in today?” Katie asked as she observed the hail happening outside. “We can just order in.”

Mark nodded, “We were literally walking all day yesterday around the city center” He noted, “we have 25 more days to do whatever – let’s just rest today.”

The girl felt relief; “Also, want to book the Gastown Ghost Trail with your friends? The next available slot is next week”

“They’d love that.”  

day six:

“I’m just saying, you should busk and see how much you earn.” Katie joked as the two sat on a circular fountain in the city center; their knees close to their chest and Katie’s head lightly resting on Mark’s shoulder.

He looked down at her in disbelief, “Only if you perform as well.”

“Perform what?” She exclaimed in confusion, pulling away from his shoulder. “Perform a lesson of English to a bunch of English speakers?”  

day seven:

“Okay, honestly, Mark – you keep having days you want to relax.” Katie laughed as Mark huddled himself in blankets on the couch, “And I get it, but you also made a list of things you want to do – can we plan it out?”

Mark nodded excitedly, “but can we also watch this?”

He looked like a kid on Christmas day. It’s been only seven days but Katie found her heart racing and a permanent smile on her face as she learns more about Mark and meets a completely different side of him.

She couldn’t wait to meet this side of him some more.

He was no longer her best friend who was part-time robot (also known as a K-Pop idol who works day and night), he was Mark – he was human – and he was free.  

AUTHORS NOTE: hey! So i vaguely remember the photo and it seemed like his childhood friends are Korean as well, unfortunately I couldn’t remember their names. I thought of some of my own Korean friends who used English names and just used theirs x

[douchebagbrainwaves]

EVERY FOUNDER SHOULD KNOW ABOUT CAR

In it he carefully painted each individual leaf. In 1995 I started a company to pick these out. When you're driving a car with a manual transmission on a hill, you have worse problems to worry about this, just as everyone knows, should generate fast code. It was also a test of wealth, because the longer I have to live at home, I have to live at home, I have no money, I have to live at home, I have to do what adults tell me all day long. Sequoia describes what such a deck should contain, and since we're new to fundraising, we feel like we have to take these cycles into account, because they're affected by how you react to them. And now that I've written this, everyone else can blame me if they want. These combine to make us believe that every judgement of us is about us. And when I wasn't working at my day job I'd start trying to do, and even so we witness a constant series of explosions as these two volatile components combine.

In the past this has not been a 100% indicator of success if only anything were but much better than random. I recommend to people who need a new idea. You had to go through high school again, I'd treat it like a day job. This approach is less daunting, and the latter is not simply a constant fraction of the former. But the key to flexibility, I think, is to divide projects into sharply defined modules, each with a definite owner, and with interfaces between them that are as carefully designed as the core language. I've found life is too short for something, in the form of a definite offer with no contingencies. One of the startups from the batch that just started, AirbedAndBreakfast, is in NYC right now meeting their users. Once you're living in the future, then it's not our fault if we can't do something as good. Companies will pay for software, but I didn't remember exactly why till YC raised money itself. It must be terse, simple, and hackable. Childhood was getting old. He didn't say anything, but I found that what hacking meant to them was implementing software, not designing it.

An eminent Lisp hacker told me that when he went to work for years on one project, and trying to incorporate all their later ideas as revisions. A startup that investors seem to like us too. At any given time there tends to be one problem that's the most urgent for a startup don't care whether it closes. It will tend to be very successful. They seemed a little surprised at having total freedom. Microsoft's biggest weakness is that they drift just the right level of craziness. I wanted to do. Or more importantly, who's in it: if the beachhead consists of people doing something lots more people will be doing with computers in ten years, just walk around the CS department at a good valuation, you can tell them that number. Don't try to start Twitter. Although empirically you're better off taking a class on entrepreneurship you're better off using the organic method. A startup can't hope to enter a market that's obviously big and yet in which they have no competitors.

Be sure to ask about how they funded themselves with breakfast cereal. The Airbnbs themselves never even saw these emails at the time whether this was because of the Bubble, or because it's hard to get the first commitment. If you're going to be. Friends offer moral support few startups are started by one person, but I have never once sensed any unresolved tension between them. When do you stop fundraising? But there's a second much larger class of judgements where judging you is only a means to that end. Number one, research must be original—and in practice languages are judged relative to whatever they're used to hack. That's the myth in the Valley.

From the evidence I've seen so far, and they tend to write it first for whatever computer they personally use. Maybe you'll notice a problem they didn't consciously realize they had, because you know how to calculate time and space complexity and about Turing completeness. Backing off can likewise prevent ambition from stalling. If you know a lot about their pets and spend a lot of people seemed surprised that someone interested in computers would also be interested in making money by speculating in stocks. I know, without precedent: Apple is popular at the low end and the high end of the scale, nature seems to be hard to sell to them, or the productivity of programmers gets measured in lines of code. In fact, we were just as frightened when we started Viaweb. It's the same process at work. To make a startup hub is that once you have enough people interested in startups. Increasingly it will mean the people who list at ABNB, they list elsewhere too I am not negative on this one, I am interested, but we weren't interested in ecommerce per se. In the best case, the papers are just a formality.

Fortunately there's a better way of preventing it than the other students. Microsoft. An employer couldn't get away with hiring thugs to beat up union leaders today, but if they did, I see no reason to believe today's union leaders would shrink from the challenge. As Marc Andreessen put it, because it can take years to figure out. Acting in off-Broadway plays just doesn't pay as well as figuring out how to connect some company's legacy database to their Web server. But it is not merely a process of filling in. This way, you'll not only waste your time, but also burn your reputation with those investors. Some hackers are quite smart, but when it comes to fundraising. But only a bit: willfulness, discipline, and ambition are all concepts almost as complicated as determination.

You've still picked a good team. I had to go through high school again, I'd treat it like a day job. For the first year, our initial reaction to news of a competitor was always: we're doomed. A lot of them don't care that much personally about whether founders keep board control. You can take money from investors one at a time and you haven't raised any money yet, you probably have an idea for a startup don't care whether you've even graduated from college, let alone which one. Till they do, you can take their word for it. They want to know what sort of person who has them. One great thing about having small children is that they all wait as long as you're over a certain threshold of intelligence, what matters most is imagination. 6 months working on this stupid idea?

Someone who was strong-willed person stronger-willed. Also turn off every other filter, particularly Could this be a big company? A hacker would consider being asked to write add x to y giving z instead of z x y as something between an insult to his intelligence and a sin against God. In it he carefully painted each individual leaf. The reason I began by saying that this technique would come as a surprise to many people is that we get on average only about 5-7% of a much larger number. If you're a database expert, don't build a chat app for teenagers unless you're also a teenager. For example, you start a startup, ask yourself: who wants this right now? A lot of them try to make it open. Gone were the mumbling recitations of lists of features. It's hard to design good libraries.

[fireproof-harry]

Game. Set. Match. OR Tennis!Harry

The one where Harry’s a superstar tennis player and you’re just the friend from back home.

Type: fluff, bit of angst

Word count: 2.5k

“...and young Styles hits it into the net again.” A sigh from the crowd follows as Harry falls another game behind.

It’s the second set of the AusOpen quarter finals. Harry’s already lost the first set and will most likely lose the second, but that’s not what’s on his mind. With his body aching, sweat dripping everywhere, all he can think about is the fact that she’s not here.

—

Y/N feels horrible. She’s never missed a game.

Her eyes keep glancing to the corner of the pub where the TV is playing the match live. She can’t see the score from where she is but she can tell that he’s losing. Badly.

Focus! she tells herself. Here she is on a lovely night out with a lovely nice man talking about nice things that aren’t tennis!

But every time Y/N tries to focus on the blue eyes of her dinner partner all she can think about is the blue court she’d rather be watching... and how she much prefers green eyes anyway. She’s not supposed to be thinking about those eyes though. Not after the other night. 

“And then I did my new backhand trick - you know the one I showed you last week? - and he didn’t have a chance!” Harry was always chatty after a good training session and this day was no different. Bouncing a tennis ball along the pavement as they walked through the park, Harry was animatedly describing (and reenacting) his last hour as Y/N nodded along and ooh-ed and ahh-ed on cue.

“So I’m feeling pretty confident for Tuesday,” he finished.

“That’s great H,” Y/N said, flashing him a quick smile.

It’s not that Y/N didn’t like hearing about Harry’s training, it’s just that Harry trained a lot. And talked about it a lot. Not just the training but everything tennis. Ever since Harry had turned pro it was like there suddenly wasn’t any time for any of their old hobbies or discussion points. No more Harry Potter movie marathons or debates about Marvel vs DC. Just tennis. And while it was great to see Harry gain some hard earned success, she couldn’t remember the last time Harry asked her about her and truly listened to the answer without bouncing a ball or rewatching one of his games in the background. And this trip to Australia was just the icing on the cake. You’d decided to take a stand.

“Actually H, about the match on Tuesday...” you started, “I might be a little late.”

“Late?” Harry asked, turning to you, “you’re never late.”

“Yeah well I have something on and I’m sure it will probably finish early or you know I can just leave but I’m just letting you know that I’ll be a little late is all.”

“What for?” Oh shit. Now this is not where you wanted to go. You were hoping he would just half listen and nod and move on.

“I have a date,” you blurt out.

“A date?” Harry stopped walking.

“Yes.”

“What do you mean you have a date?” Harry asked, scoffing as though it was the most ridiculous idea in the world.

“Exactly that!” replied Y/N indignantly. “Why do you sound so surprised? Didn’t think anyone would want to take me out?”

“What? No...I’m just.. you never ... I didn’t know you were looking to date anyone right now,” Harry stuttered.

“It’s recent,” Y/N answered vaguely, hoping to put an end to this already embarrassing conversation. Y/N and Harry didn’t talk about this stuff. Ever. They could talk for hours about anything and everything but when it came to dating, they led separate lives and pretended not to care about the others. Until now.

“Where’d you meet him?” Harry asked, his full attention now completely on Y/N.

The truth is - Y/N met him on a dating app. She hasn’t been out with anyone in ages and she thought what better time to try out a dating app when on the other side of the world? And Lo and behold one of her first matches was a strapping young Aussie whose abs certainly made up for his apparent affinity for beer (Y/N was not a beer drinker). You couldn’t tell Harry this though as he probably wouldn’t see this as important and easy to cancel... and desperate?

“A café,” you lied, “I’d forgotten to bring my Australian money and he offered to pay for my drink,” you made up wildly.

“He seemed really nice and we got talking and now we’re going on a date,” you finished, fingers crossed inside your jacket pocket.

“Oh,” Harry replied, starting to walk again. You continued in silence for another moment before Harry stopped again.

“But he could be a serial killer!” He exclaimed. “You don’t know him! How do you know what his intentions are?”

“Harry I hardly think he’s a serial killer! He seemed really nice and we-“

“Well maybe not a serial killer but he probably only asked you out because he wants to get into your pants!”

“Oh right I get it. You think the only possibly reason someone might ask me out is to have sex with me?” You fired back.

“No I didn’t say-”

“That’s exactly what you were saying!”

“It was not!”

“Was too!”

The hustle and bustle of the park carried on around you and the two childhood best friends stood face to face, cheeks flushed, in the middle of the path.

“What I was trying say...” Harry started, “is that you’re a very um... attractive woman and that might lead some jerk guy to ask you out with ..um.. not so good intentions!” Harry smiled, seemingly proud of the way he was able to turn that around. “I’m just trying to look out for you Y/N.”

“I can look after myself,” you reply, sick of Harry’s know-it-all attitude.

“Well I just don’t see why you would want to go on a date with some random guy when you ... had a prior commitment anyway.”

“Harry, I told you I’m only going to be a little late!”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t even bother.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to.. get in the way of your ‘date’,” he said, using finger quotation marks to emphasise date.

“But I always go,” you reply, hurt.

“Well maybe you shouldn’t,” Harry said, staring at the ground.

“Well maybe I won’t,” you retorted.

Harry looked back up to see if you were serious. He didn’t actually think you wouldn’t come. Like you said, you always came.

“Well...” he started when he saw no glimpse of humour in your eyes. “A true friend would come,” he blurted out.

Your jaw dropped.

“Don’t get me started on what a true friend should do,” you bit back, feeling the anger swell inside you. “How dare you! I have been the best fucking friend to you!”

Harry stepped back, surprised at your outburst. But you weren’t done. All those feelings of neglect and hurt were flying through your brain and suddenly you couldn’t stop them coming out.

“I have been by your side through thick and thin! I have been at every match, heard every training debrief, come with you to fucking Australia! I’ve missed work and cancelled holidays to make sure I can be there for you and the one time I want to take a bit of time to myself - to go on a date - of which I haven’t been on in quite awhile I must say! Not that you would know because you never ask - you can’t be a little supportive? No! Because it’s all about you. It’s the Harry show! Well I say no! I won’t give up my life to tennis like you!”

—

And now here Y/N was. Sitting in a pub, opposite a lovely guy but unable to forget the image of Harry’s wide eyes and open mouth as she walked away.

—

Harry was so fucked. He felt like utter shit. He’d been having trouble sleeping ever since Y/N had exploded at the park the other day. This was entirely her fault. But also... it was entirely his. He knew it. He had hurt her. He’d got so caught up in the game, in himself, that he hadn’t even thought to really check in with Y/N about how she was, if she was okay, if she needed him. Of course Y/N was allowed to go on dates. He didn’t mind.

“Ugh!” He hit the ball into the net... again. He couldn’t lie to himself. This felt wrong. A part of him had always kinda hoped that one day something might happen between him and Y/N. Something wonderful. And now he’d messed it all up and she’d chosen some random guy over him. Just when he needed her the most.

—

“And then they refused to give our bond back! It was so lame.”

Y/N sighed. Mr Cute-Aussie was turning out to be not-so-cute! Did he really think that telling her about some lads holiday weekend where they trashed their Airbnb was supposed to impress her? Harry would never have done something like that. A true gentleman - whenever he tripped over anything or knocked something over (those giraffe legs are a hazard) he would be bending over backwards to get whatever fixed.

Y/N’s eyes drifted over to the screen again just in time to see Harry hit the ball into the net. He looked so angry, so hurt, like the ball was personally breaking his heart. She could see his eyes glance over to his coaches box where Y/N normally sat, only to look down even more disheartened and in that moment Y/N realised he was looking for her. He couldn’t focus on the ball because he was upset with her. And the fact that she wasn’t there.

“Don’t you think?” The Aussie added, realising his date’s focus had drifted elsewhere. But Y/N had had enough.

“Actually no. You trashed it. You should pay. Now if you will excuse me, there’s somewhere I need to be.” And with that she picked up her bag, threw some cash on the table, and walked out.

What was she thinking! How could she have let this happen? How could she have even considered the idea that supporting Harry wasn’t important. They may have fought and he maybe a bit of a jerk sometimes but they were best friends. She loved him. And no Aussie was going to change that. No guy could.

“Holy shit. I love him,” Y/N said out loud, stopping in the middle of the path.

Y/N quickly struck out her hand to wave down a taxi and jumped in. She was going to fix this.

—

It was half way through the third set. Harry was about 20 minutes away from losing the match and being kicked out of the tournament. And honestly, he couldn’t even find it within himself to care. All he wanted now was to go to bed. And cry a little maybe. He wasn’t normally such a sore loser but he’d never lost her before.

Out of habit he glanced to her usual spot in the crowd as he bounced the ball preparing to serve. And then he froze.

She was there. Y/N was sitting right there. It felt like the whole arena was holding there breath as he locked eyes with her across the court. She had one hand over her heart as he saw her mouth those three words that he thought he’d lost all chance of hearing from her lips. I love you.

Someone was saying something and suddenly everything came back into focus. The ref was telling him to hurry up and he remembered where he was. He threw the ball into the air and hit it as hard as he could across the court. Ace.

—

“And what a match we have here at Rod Laver Arena tonight. The young Brit started off slow but has completely turned around the game! After losing the first two sets I thought he was a goner for sure. What do you think, Jim?”

“Absolutely. But as we have seen something has changed within him and he’s had a wave of ..I don’t even know what! Just when we thought it was over he won that third set and then the fourth! And now he’s smiling. He’s positively beaming as he smashes one ace after another.”

“Yes, and I’ve heard a rumour that it all may be something to do with a new addition to his box. People have been going back through the footage and we think that the change in young Styles behaviour might have something to do with the young girl now sitting there as she wasn’t there to begin with.”

“Well, whatever it is, it’s working!”

—

Y/N was freaking out. Harry was suddenly playing brilliantly and had taken the last set to a final tie-breaker. Harry has just got in-front and needed to win this point to win. Her hands wouldn’t stop sweating as she watched on, trying to send waves of love and support into Harry’s head as he set up to serve for the match.

“Ohhh,” the crowd sighed. Harry’s first serve had gone straight into the net. Fault.

You can do this, Y/N repeated over and over in her head.

—

Harry took a deep breath and sneaked one more glance up at Y/N before throwing the ball into the air.

It was the longest rally yet. Across the court he ran back and forth, up and down until finally his opponent hit one right over his head. Running to chase it, Harry stopped thinking and let his body take over. His arm reached out and just caught the ball before it’s second bounce, whacking it between his legs back across the court. Cheering erupted and Harry thought he must’ve missed but when he turned around he could see British flags being waved in the air and Y/N jumping up and down in her seat. He had won.

—

He couldn’t stop moving the whole post-match interview. All he wanted to do was get to her and now he was finally moving through the corridors backstage, shrugging off people trying to congratulate him.

And then there she was. She was running towards him and his legs started moving before his brain could catch up and then she was in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“No, I’m sorry. I was the jerk - I should’ve been looking out for you - I’m so sorry.”

They parted a bit to look each other in the face. Harry pressed his forehead against hers.

“I love you.”

“Harry!” Y/N gasped. And then laughed. Her smile becoming wider and wider.

“What? It’s true! I had to tell you, I’m so- what’s so funny?“

“No Harry!” Y/N started, trying to wipe the frown lines off Harry’s face. “I was about to say that!”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Harry’s grin was back in full swing as his eyes lowered to Y/N’s lips.

“Alrighty then,” he whispered before pressing his lips to hers.

The end. 

This is my first time writing on here so please let me know what you think! 

[roguestarsailor]

idk when my little corner of this neighborhood became a hunting ground for loud and genuinely scary crazy people. Two people have consistent came by to shout about how they own this building, had them pound on our glass door, have them stand out and write weird ass notes claiming it to be legal papers, sword playing in the garden, and even a bomb scare. It’s all within this last 2 years too and it makes me feel very anxious. turns out one of the crazy guys who was screaming bloody mary lives in the third floor unit and the guy that owns that unit refuses to handle it, nor will he handle his other tenants who fill up our trash can with sooo much trash that we all get fined every time it happens. 

then there’s this asian guy and his yt wife who comes by occasionally to ask us when we are going to sell our apartment so they can come turn it into an airbnb like they did with the unit next to us. i call them vultures. i am angry because they don’t belong here and they really just see my childhood home as an investment property. and i see they have a few more properties elsewhere in chinatown too. how fucken evil are these people? you take homes that could go to a family, especially a family trying to find their footing since this location is excellent & primarily for chinese immigrants, and turn them into tourist hot spots so you can get personally wealthier. i literally want to scream!! 

this is used to be such a good family area! we all knew each other and would play outside often. this was a COMMUNITY. now it’s stay in your house, deal with the loud cars, call the police when someone starts pounding on your door, random people coming and going all the time and investment units for people who don’t live or care about this area. my heart is breaking and im soo upset!!

it should have been a place where my parents can retire with the other parents here. the kids would branch off and be able to come back and see their childhood home still standing. i always fantasized about coming back here and bring my SO one day and be like this is how i grew up. but thats definitely dashed now. i am losing my childhood home, both physically and what is used to be like, and i am SAD!

[ineedtopopmyzit]

2020

As I am laying on my bed, tired of cramping and feeling low, I want to reflect back on this year—the year most hated by many. Although this year was vastly different than many other years I have lived so far, I can’t say it was the worst year. Of course, this is just an opinion from my perspective and it’s not taken into the account of the many people who have passed away and whose lives have been affected by the virus. And may be this may sound selfish and careless because I am only merely looking at how this year affected me at the personal level. I think the more people emphasize this year, the less I want to give attention to it. In the end, what’s happened was supposed to happen, however it happened, why it happened isn’t as important as the happening itself. And I want to accept what’s happened/happening as graciously as I can. Not because that’s what I am supposed to do, but because I don’t like feeling devastated that something else was/is in control of my life. I honestly think that if things were normal this year I’d be actually more devastated. Perhaps me saying that is lacking self-belief and confidence, but I don’t know if I would have found a job this year. I don’t know if I would’ve been happy if I did find a job this year. I don’t know if I would’ve been as rested as I feel now. I don’t know if I would’ve feel as grounded as I feel now. For the last couple years, I feel like I was sprinting. And now that I was nearing the finish line, I was starting to doubt what I was running towards. I was running at such full speed that I couldn’t even remember why I was even running. Maybe I was running from depression, running from the past, or maybe running to the past, running from myself... whatever it was, the problem was that I was running and I was forgetting to stop and absorb and to reflect. And if it wasn’t for year 2020, I believe I would probably still be running towards something not realizing it’s probably not what I want. Don’t get me wrong, I am still directionless but at least I stopped running.

I want to reminisce at some of the memorable things that happened this year. And remind myself that I am still making life even when it feels stale, static, and unmoving. While it may seem lazy, unmotivated and lifeless, those fragments make white spaces that make a whole picture feel resound.

Remember we started the year by revisiting Little Women? It brought back memories of childhood. And I felt myself aligning home. Like two shadows of me emerging into one. And I appreciated Louisa May Alcott for writing such story that many others call mundane. I also felt a sense of pride for having a same birthday as her. Jo March, a character who marched to the beat of her own drum. She may slip out whatever words she conjures in her mind but she’s fearless, truthful, independent, free-spirited and self willing. And she always resonated with myself ever since I was little.

Then the dreadful breakup came. And honestly, the year didn’t start out great because of him. So breaking up with him in the first quarter was the best thing that could’ve happened to me this year. It was an extremely hard breakup but also it was relieving. He asked if I could consider keeping in touch with him once I healed, but now revisiting that conversation I think he was selfish to even ask that of me. I don’t know if I will. I guess I still need more time.

The breakup help transpire what came next. Which was just a dating binge. I have never been on so many dates in such a short span of time. I was on so many dates that it takes a little too much effort to remember them all but I shall try. The first date was with a German of course. He cooked me bratwurst and sauerkraut. I went to his house in LB after he allured me by telling me he’ll cook me dinner. Though I told him I am only going as a friend. I really considered having sex with him. But he just really wasn’t my type. I kept being reminded of someone I used to date whom makes my pussy so dry now. After that I lose the order of which guy came first. But I remember the Romanian lawyer. (I know I just had to paint a full picture of the guy I broke up with by making him into fragments... the guy I broke up from was a German lawyer) I think the Romanian lawyer is someone who I would give the most honorable badge to. I told him I was looking for a stranger to have a one night stand with. And I clarify that I didn’t want some cheap one night. I wanted it to be magical and everything I ever dreamed of. I would say this was like redoing my first sex experience. When I told him of my reasons why I wanted to do this, he was so on board with it. So much so that what’s happened between us can be a transcription of an adult novel. I bought a lingerie, he booked an airbnb over looking the ocean with a balcony, also we ordered a couple sex toys. We dreamt up whatever that was going to romance us and this was the time we were going to relinquish them all. Through the 2-3 weeks of planning, he was played the role well of a sensual romantic but not a sleaze, and someone who made me feel comfortable by opening himself up. The only thing I worried was that in person, he may not be my type. But to my surprise, when he showed up after an hour and a half drive to our location, he was definitely up to par. the way he dressed, and his friendly manner was all i was hoping to see. oh and of course the sexual tension was so pulling between us that we just had to get it out of the way when we met. He kind of reminded me of my ex, which was where i hesitated. But he gave me the most magical night imaginable. There were some awkward moments but he listened, he played, he caressed. We talked all night as we fell asleep after 2 or 3 rounds of long pleasure. and they way his eyes devoured me while wearing a lingerie is the look i will never forget. especially after my breakup, it felt really nice to be tantalized and wanted. he wanted me bad. and i wanted him more. but i’m not gonna lie, the sex was a lot of work. our good bye was bittersweet but that's the way it needed to be and nothing else. we were supposed to be two strangers who comes together to make a night of love that we’d imagine we’d receive and never to see each other again (although i couldn’t forget and had to see him 2 more times after this). let’s see... another date i had gone on was with an artist. i think i saw him a total of 2 or 3 times i can’t remember. i do remember the first date though, it was particularly memorable because we had bahn mi sandwiches on a beach i had never been to with couple of beers and that night when i had sex with him, i left with a yeast infection. yup. i particularly remember this because the planned parenthood i went to was the same exit as his house and instead of making a left turn, i had to make a right turn to get to it. i remember my date with a guy who was married to a half korean wife. he took me to gen and talked about how ridiculous it is that we all had to wear masks. it was clear from the dinner that what he wanted out of it was sex. then there was the jewish guy from new york. who clearly stated on his bio that he was separated from his wife. i had the most fun chatting with him but he was definitely looking for one thing. and somehow i understood that, but i just couldn’t bring myself to be one of his weekly girls. i felt downgraded. so i declined his offer. i went on a date with a guy who seemed really willing to move on to more than just sex but i was physically not attracted to him.. but what’s more was that he knew that... and kept asking if it was his height. and i think that to me showed lack of confidence and drew me even further away from wanting him. another date i went on was with a director guy from pasadena. he drove all the way to oc to meet up with me. and i generally had a good vibe with him but in the end we never hit each other up again. he even ended the date with “you are a really cool chick” but i guess it was one of those... you are a really cool chick for someone else. i also was not attracted to him in that way. this is when i realized, i prob like taller guys though i don’t want to admit that because it’s an age old socially constructed sexist belief. i had a phone convo with a guy who wanted to have me over and cook me wellington. he even said i could invite my sister. but the whole thing was fishy and he was real butthurt when i declined his offer. and clingy too. so i decided to never meet up with him and even blocked him. i went on a date with a banker. he wrote poetry and they were beautiful but it was ashamed that the writer had won no integrity from me. his words became distasteful because of his characteristic flaws of ghosting and showed signs of irresponsibility. he also seemed more immature than other guys. then on the last week of my dating binge, i went on a total of 4 dates. one was with a guy from my ceramics class. it was a friendly coffee date on a saturday morning. i really enjoyed his company although later on, he was a little too pushy about his feelings towards me and i had to be more direct with him about my intentions. then on one week day of the same week, i met a guy from baghdad who worked at verizon. i was hesitant about this one because he started the convo with “i can lick your pussy” but in person, he was rather more reserved. then that same night, i met up with another guy from baghdad except he was a much better choice. he was the second noblest out of all the guys i dated this year... he was even going to pick me up in his motorcycle from long beach. he held me, heard me, let me rest all my weight on his shoulders and we never spoke to each other again. then i had a virtual date with a guy who was in a severe motorcycle accident only 3 years ago. i thought we clicked but he ghosted me on our second date plan. i wasn’t even the one to bring up the second date. edit (1/9): i forgot 3 more dates... one was with a pessimistic korean guy. i figured i should ditch the archaic notion that all korean guys are bad. it comes from the divorce and mostly mom educating me based on her one experience of bad marriage. i thought his photos weren’t so bad so i went on a date with him... it was interesting to say the least because first of all, i got pissed at him because he was so opinionated while being rigid. he failed to understand my pov, and kept patronizing me. so i voiced that i am getting really frustrated that he wasn’t open to my pov, so he apologized. he also said that his friends would be shocked to find out that he apologized. also that he went to trader joes to top off our charcuterie board that i mentioned i wanted to do during our chat. oh and he brought me a handful of daisy sort of flowers on a gatorade bottle filled with bright colored water which i thought was really cute. but overall, i just couldn’t get passed his negative point of view of life and love. i felt like he was looking for an optimistic savior who would turn his opinions around. which definitely wasn’t going to be me because being a heroine for another movie other than an autobiography is def not my style at all. the second date i missed to tell was with a scientist who was a front-end developer at some bio tech company. very intelligent and eccentric. like shy but outgoing, relatable yet standoffish. the intrigue was that i couldn't quite figure him out. but there wasn’t any sexual chemistry. perhaps because he said due to covid he couldn’t get his veneers done and he had been wearing his temporaries for 3 months or some obscure amount of days exceeding its freshness that i couldn’t stand to smell his breath 6 feet away. and the not so memorable date was the one hot lawyer who had no personality. it was so disappointing. i had high hopes for him too. but needless to say, he was looking for a hookup. while i appreciate the honesty and upfront-ness, i don’t like the frankness of the situation. i would like to be romanced into having meaningless sex with you. but then maybe that would make me develop feelings. but he was so vanilla that i couldn’t imagine our sex any hotter. he was drier than a textbook. so standard that his cliche line for getting me into his bed was “i can give you a massage.” bore me. i get it... he said his sister was going through chemo and he really needed some good distraction. poor guy. but come on dude. he said he genuinely wanted to see me again... but he genuinely never reached out to me again. so that’s vaguely a totally of 15 dates? in the span of... May-Nov? 7 months? i guess that’s not too bad or too good.. it’s only 2 dates per month ish. i could’ve done more damn it. well i did have multiple dates with one guy(s). also i just remembered that one weekend was a back to back sex with 2 different guys. my pussy was not okay that weekend. the second night guy thought he did a lot of damage but the truth is it’s the first guy who did. it only boosted the second guy’s ego. but he needs it anyway. 

This year, I traveled solo for the first time. it felt liberating. 

Also, I decided that i want to go back to school and perhaps live in Europe. I am feeling encouraged every day. 

I reconnected with my dad. I figured it was time to forgive and reestablish a new relationship that i can nurture myself in. so far, i find it a little challenging at times but it’s definitely better than completely ignoring him. 

I no longer feel so broke, i had time to earn some money and put it towards savings. not a lot but i am not scrabbling for pennies every month like i was when i was in school. 

I think I've grown closer to my sister. we have a lot of fun times together always laughing and eating. we fight but i am trying to enjoy our friendship together until one day we have to part our ways and not live so close to each other anymore. 

I gained more self confidence? it’s more so that i feel better living in my skin. I try to appreciate my body and see less as a superficial shell. 

i have grown new level of appreciation for some of my close friends. 

[5paragraphessay717]

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[formyboys]

Jack 2 yrs old

10/18/18

Baby Jack, you were born 2 years ago and 2 days! Oh man I remember those few days. You were so tiny and shmushed and new. I remember how I immediately realized I needed you to be next to me all the time or you needed to be next to me. We needed each other. The first night or two it was just so natural to have you curled up under my arm, it ended up being the only way you or I would sleep for the first 8-9 months of your life. I always felt so guilty like I was doing it wrong, but there was no other way I could do it. It made us both so content. I think all that cuddling and warmth was really good and hopefully you’ll always be that affectionate and warm.

So for your 2nd birthday we had a huge bash. We’ve lived in our house on Oakbury for almost a year and I didn’t really throw you a first birthday party because we were staying in Airbnb’s. So I wanted to throw you a party and see all our friends and fam. It was such a great party! We had in the backyard with a Pizza place that brought their own brick ovens, a balloon making man, activities for the kids and Dakota Fanning even showed up. I mean, that’s pretty damn cool, even if it’s just because we’re next door neighbors. You were the cutest, running everywhere, playing with all the kids, getting in the ball pit trying to coerce partygoers into giving you gummy bears. Lol. I don’t think you succeeded but I heard it was really hard to turn you down.

We had your 2nd year check up yesterday and you’re so perfect. 95% height 85% weight and cute as button. Currently our days are filled with Juana and you can pronounce her name now perfectly in Spanish. And you say it all the time over and over. She comes in in the morning and makes us all breakfast and then takes you on a walk where you meet up with Nelly and the kids she nanny’s. Juana makes you lunch and plays with you and then puts you down for your nap. You sleep most days for 1.5-2 hrs. When you don’t sleep we pay for it in the evening with a fussy toddler. She loves you so so much, she’s super positive and I trust her fully. I’m working from home and super busy but at least I don’t feel like I’m missing your childhood. My favorite is when you get up from your naps and you’re a little sleepy but happy and you give the best hugs. You’re super opinionated and you like things done your way, you like to place  everyone where you want them to be, and you take me by the hand to show me things and ask for things. You’ve learned how to get what you want that’s for sure, you’ll say a word like ‘baby’ which means you want my iPhone to look at pics of yourself, but actually you’ll go to YouTube to watch videos, so I’ve taken to deleting YouTube so that you just access the photos. But when you ask you’re so convincing and you’ll make this little smile like, c’mon mom, I’m so cute! And it totally works I’m such a sucker for my Baby Jack. Didn’t know what it was like to love someone like I love you. You’re my whole world and your dad’s world.

10/19/18

Every night either your Dad or I take you to bed at 8pm we get you some milk and take you up, brush your teeth and read some of your favorite books. Right now you are very into Bunnies. You have a stuffed bunny and we saw a real bunny when we were visiting Lolli and Pops in CO and you were very interested in it. We read you The Runaway Bunny at bedtime when you  ask for the ‘Munnies’ and you love to say ‘Muney’ it’s so freaking adorable! We also read to you Good night good night Construction Site, Good night Gorilla, and Opposites, you love the opposites and you say Opposite like ‘apeetah’ so cute. After we read some stories I sing a coulple of songs to you, Hallelujah and Black Bird, I need some new ones. And then I put you in your crib and kiss you through the bars. And now I can just put a blanket over you and you go to sleep without a fuss. And then Dad and I watch a show or a movie and before we go to bed we always go check on you and take a pic and admire our baby. Love of our life.

10.27.18

Today it was just you and me. Your dad was at a 40th bday celebration with 12-14 of his college friends golfing and eating nice dinners. You asked about him all day long, Dada? And I’d tell you again where he is and when he’ll be back. It’s so sweet how much you love him. We went to baby gym today. So fun to watch you play on everything and now you’ll climb up the stairs to the ball pit and just hurl yourself in. You still won’t say your name when it’s your turn but you only just turned 2 last week and most of the kids and between 2-2.5. I can tell it’s hard to be 2. You have a lot of big ideas and it’s especially hard when you can’t have your way. I try to explain every situation so that you’re not blindsided by anything we do, but it’s hard to be a mom too. I don’t always know what I’m doing and a lot of the time we’re busy and don’t have much time. But when you have ideas that we can help you fulfill I always try and help. Not that long ago you would say vroom vroom and get your shoes in the evening and nod your head like, cmon let’s get in the car! So I made sure we all got in the car and drove around the neighborhood a few times. I haven’t figured out what to do about screen time, because truth is your dad and I spend all of our days in front of a screen. Fortunately you have Juana during the week so your screen time is limited to occasional movies and YouTube with her but I’m way more lenient and your dad is too. Lazy parenting. Not proud of that. I planned lots of play dates this weekend though so that helps. Seems like the more people around the less screen time. I’m making a big pumpkin pancake breakfast tomorrow for my buddies, Brooke is spending the night, Ashley, Dayna and fam are coming over in the morning should be a nice day. And then a 2 yr old party for Siena at Baby Gym. You were driving your toy cars over my head as I put you to bed tonight. Melts my heart. Love you so crazy much baby dude.

10.30.18

Oh baby Jack. You have me wrapped around your little finger. You have since day one. Tonight you insisted that I rock you to cheep (sleep) and if I stop rocking you command me to RA. You are crazy about your ‘money’ (bunny) right now. Because we let you watch Peter Rabbit on Netflix which I actually really enjoy and constantly wonder what negative things it might be teaching you. But you insist on having your money with you to go to bed and to take downstairs in the morning. It’s pretty damn cute. Your vocab is growing exponentially. You repeat what we’re saying and some words I can’t understand and you’re so patient saying then over and over for me... but doesn’t usually help. For all I know they could be Spanish words. I love rocking you to cheep. It fills my soul, my heart, I cherish it so much. Your little body pressed against me it’s the best thing in the world. I spend way too much time putting you to bed. Love you little dude. You make my world go round.

[ceruleansiren]

4.

What brought you joy today? I had pizza for lunch and took a really pretty picture of a flower lol.

What is on your mind right now? The song I’m listening to and this survey.

Did you make any mistakes in the last 24 hours? Um, typing mistakes and such...but that’s all I can think of.

Do you ever sleep with the light on? Absolutely not. I like it to be as dark as possible.

Do you pray to Jesus? No, I’m an atheist.

What was the last thing you ordered at Starbucks? I don’t ever go there.

What was the name of the last beach you went to? VA beach, like 5 years ago.

What color are your favorite pair of flip-flops? Brown and black.

Have you bought any new clothes for summer? No, I had last bought new spring clothes though.

Do you have a bonfire pit in your yard? No.

Would you consider being homeless if it meant you could travel the world? As in having no home address but traveling and spending time in hotels and Airbnbs? I guess lol

Are you in love with someone? No.

Do you know your next-door neighbor? Too well tbh. I am not the kind of person who wants to be friends with their neighbors. I like polite interactions. I don’t want to be your friend. Unfortunately one of my neighbors is the overly friendly type and I often get stuck talking with her outside because she loves my dog and my dog loves her.

What’s something you have never done? Had a penis.

Do you use a sunlamp? No. Name someone you know who is a true risk-taker, adventurer, and free spirit. Do you admire that person? No.

Do you wish you were more of a free spirit? Yes.

If you could change one thing about the last 24 hours, what would it be? idk.

Are you allergic to any medications? Not that I know of. Tbh I haven’t tried many either, so lol.

How do you feel when someone says something you’ve experienced doesn’t exist? I don’t think this has happened to me.

What worldview do you have? That there isn’t some grand reason why we’re here. We just are.

Do you have friends who have different religious beliefs than you? Yes. Religion isn’t something that’s brought up in our friendships. I respect their right to believe whatever just as they do for me to not believe.

If applicable, who was the first person you “came out” to? I just operate under the ‘I’m straight until further notice.’ mindset. Like, I’m pretty sure about my straightness but if some unicorn of a person comes into my life and completely turns that notion upside down I’m just going to go with it. So I guess this is the first time I’ve said anything like that.

What’s one thing you’d like to do more? Travel.

What’s one thing you love about life? Music.

Do you spend a lot of time with God? No.

Who do you wish you could talk to more? Anyone I want to talk to is reachable. I just need to stop being a terrible friend/family member.

What is your greatest wish? Happiness.

What was your style in high school? Jeans and a t-shirt. Very much a blend in with the crowd look. Do you wish you could have someone pray with you more often? Wow this is a very religious survey. I don’t pray, never have.

When was the last time you had tomato sauce? A couple weeks ago maybe.

What’s one thing you are jealous that other people got to do but you didn’t? Go to college and graduate without having to drop out because you just couldn’t go to class.

Name something in your room that’s broken. The fireplace. I think it’s broken but maybe I just don’t know how to use it lol.

Have you ever taken birth control pills continuously? No.

Do you make your bed every day? Most days.

Who is your personality twin? Lauren is in many ways.

Name 3 celebrities you’ve been told you look like. Let’s be honest, I don’t look like any of them. Natalie once said I look like Selena Gomez but...I don’t lol.

Which Mary-Kate and Ashley video was your favorite? I wasn’t ever into them.

What’s a common name that you hate? I don’t HATE many names; too much effort. I don’t like the name Lucas because it sounds like mucus. So. I guess that lol.

Have you forsaken your childhood dreams? I wanted to be a vet but once I developed a sense of empathy and a gag reflex that went out the window.

Do you feel that anyone cares about you? Of course.

Do people ever check up on you and ask if you’re ok? No, I don’t think anyone feels like they need to?

Who do you go to when you want to ask someone for prayer? Maybe I’ll pray that this survey doesn’t assume the survey taker is religious. …or when you want someone to talk to? My mom or friends.

….when you want to ask someone for advice? ^^.

Who do you wish you were best friends with? Uh...in the fun “I don’t actually know this person but I would *totally* be their best friend” type of way...Gwendoline Christie. She’s so fucking funny I love her so much.

Do you own a camera tripod? No.

Did you ever believe in mermaids? No.

…in fairies? No.

…in Santa? When I was a kid.

Have you ever purchased alcohol? Yeah.

What do you miss about collage? I’m going to answer this as though you spent more time focusing on grammar than religion, which you clearly did not. But I miss the feeling of having the world at my finger tips. The feeling that I had TIME.

What is your newest hobby? Not that I didn’t read before, but lately I’ve been reading like a beast. I’m on my 4th book in 2 weeks.

What gives your life meaning? I don’t really think life has a meaning. But I keep on living because there are a bunch of things in my life that make me happy.

[in78weeks-blog]

Adventure in Coachella Valley

About a month ago I found incredibly cheap roundtrip tickets to Palm Springs and instantly bought my tickets. While I began planning my trip, I realized that my college friend Lor-Shing lived in LA - only an hour and a half drive away. She was free for half of the weekend so she decided to come join me in the desert.

I arrived on Friday at 11am. I was planning on working remote for the day and Lor-Shing had some work to get done, so we found a coffee shop nearby and stopped in for the morning.

Though we had work to get done, we were both so eager to catch up and talk about all that had happened in our lives since the last time we saw each other. Giving ourselves more work and study breaks than we deserved, we found little moments to share anecdotes and eventually dove into a informative and self-reflective conversation about our personality traits and enneagrams.

Realizing that we were doing more talking than working and that we weren’t expecting to get too much work done for the rest of the day, at 4pm we packed up our belongings and sat in her car figuring out what to do next. We decided to venture into the snowy mountains of Mount San Jacinto via the Aerial Tram. We drove through the canyon leading to the base of the clouded mountains that towered over the town. The steady incline was proving to be a challenge to Lor-Shing’s sedan, but we let our conversation about life and love drown out the sound of the high rpm gear shifts of the car.

We beat the tour bus by a couple minutes and avoided waiting in the painfully long and restless line of tourists eagerly awaiting their trip up the side of the mountain. We entered the tram and as we began our ascent into the misty clouds above, we were surprised to feel the platform begin to turn. The circular platform made three rotations on our 15-minute ride to the mountain, giving us a view of both the mountain station ahead and the valley below.

For a 5 minute segment of our ride, we entered into a Jurassic Park like scene as the thick fog kept us from seeing only a couple hundred feet around us. My childhood fear of pterodactyls appearing from a dark fog crept back into my heart until we broke through the fog and were enlightened to see a wintery landscape atop the eerie cloud blanket.

We stepped off the tram into a cold wintery wonderland, much like the snowy Colorado mountains I had just left hours ago. Around us were unprepared Californians fashioning their flip-flops and short sleeves and Lor-Shing mentioned that this was the first time she had seen snow since living in Washington years ago. We wandered among the shaded forests on the mountainside, occasionally sinking into the deep snow and stepping back in shock as my stylish booties and Lor-Shing’s cloth sneakers weren’t built for cold and wet conditions.

We made our way back to the warm cabin and found a secluded corner to enjoy our hot chocolates and continue our conversation about where we were headed in life. In between our reflective conversation, we lulled into long spells of silence, where we turned our face to the sun and let the self-reflective thoughts sink into our hearts. The sun was beginning to set so we decided to make our way back down to a more favorable warm climate 10,000 feet below.

We were both tired from the travels and adventures of the day so we stopped in at our AirBnb and took a long nap to recover. I was jerked awake, and in a panic checked my clock to the surprise that I had slept for two hours. We were both incredibly hungry so we quickly found a Mexican restaurant to fill our stomachs. By the time we were done eating, it was too late in the day to do anything else so we went back to the AirBnb with a pint of dairy-free ice cream and called it a night.

Lor-Shing needed to leave by 12:30 to make it back to Los Angeles, so we decided to get an early start to Joshua Tree National Park to make the most of our remaining time together. I had visited Joshua Tree National Park once while I was a college student, but the drive was completely unfamiliar to me. We arrived as the ranger was getting to the entrance station so we were hopeful to be some of the first people in the park.

We had no rigid plan so we drove through the park and stopped at unique spots along the way as they peaked our interest. We climbed among the rocks, wandered through the Joshua Trees, leisurely enjoying the warm sunlight against our skin.

We stumbled across some boulderers in the park, so even though I wasn’t properly dressed, I borrowed a pair of shoes from the friendly climbers and jumped on a couple easy climbs. I caught myself saying “I definitely need to make a climbing trip out here” several times and made a mental note to reach out to climbing friends later to gauge interest.

We spent most of our time at the Jumbo Rocks area, wandering among the massive tan-colored rocks, laying out on the surface of the rocks and letting the sun warm our skin and hearts. There’s something about carelessly wandering around a foreign landscape, throwing my arms in the air and twirling with and against the wind, that makes me connect with my whole self. Letting the emotions of my heart manifest in frustrating screams, a fit of laughter, or uncontrollable tears, creates space for my heart to show her true colors, and gives my brain the opportunity to catch up and recognize where my heart’s at.

This time, twirling to the beat of the joyful music in my heart, I laughed and smiled, and thanked God for friends like Lor-Shing that ground me and remind me of the gifts He has granted me in this stage of my life. I thanked Him for granting me the opportunity to experience freedom like never before, and trusting me to share my story with the world.

We walked, we danced, we laughed, but it was soon time to say goodbye. Goodbyes are difficult, especially when you don’t feel like you’ve had enough time to properly catch up. I still had so much I wanted to do with Lor-Shing, but she had to return to her ever-changing life in Los Angeles so at 2pm, she dropped me off in downtown Palm Springs and she was on her way home.

My plan was to wander around the town of Palm Springs until it got dark, then return to the airport to pick up my rental car. I had four hours to kill, and an entire town to explore, so how bad could it be? I didn’t realize that Palm Springs was a very bougie town, and unfortunately didn’t find anything that interested me as I walked around town. I also wasn’t hungry so stopping into a restaurant to enjoy a meal wasn’t an option. I found a quiet spot on a side street and took a moment to enjoy people watching and sitting in silence.

Finally it was time to return to the airport to pick up my rental car - a sweet silver Toyota Corolla. It was already dark, but I wanted to try my hand at night photography so I drove back out to Joshua Tree National Park and spent two hours in the cold trying to capture the light of the stars against the beautiful desert landscape.

Instead of finding a place to sleep for the night, I decided that I would car camp in my rental car so I could be more flexible with my schedule. My next destination was a two hour drive away and my plan was to car-camp in the desert area surrounding it, but after an hour of driving, I was too tired to continue driving. So I stopped in at a 24 hour fitness parking lot and called it a night.

I slept surprisingly well in the Corolla, a much smaller vehicle than my Highlander that I’m used to, but made it work by putting down the back seats and sticking my feet into the darkness of the trunk. I woke up awfully early to take quick shower at 24 hour fitness before heading out to my next destination. After getting freshened up, I drove south along the Salton Sea and witness a beautiful sunrise. The pink and orange sky silhouetted the palm tree farms in such a way that I felt like I was on the beach.

I arrived at Salvation Mountain just as the sun was beginning to peak over the hill. As I was driving up, I could see a couple hundred feet ahead of me the massive lettering on the side of the hill that read “GOD IS LOVE”. The excitement in my heart grew to a skip-and-a-hop toward the vibrant mountain that proclaimed the love of Christ to the world. There were a group of girls taking photos of each other and admiring the 50 foot display of faith and love.

After the girls left, I was the only one remaining and proceeded to walk around the property, examining the hallowed out vehicles that were plastered with the same messages of faith and love. While wandering around, a voice in the distance called out “Good Morning, how are you doing today”? I turned around toward the voice and tried to make out the person who it belonged to. After a couple seconds, I saw a man with crazy curly hair in the shadow of an RV waving and walking in my direction. I answered “I can’t complain. I get to worship Jesus on a Sunday at the most magnificent place in the world”.

He introduced himself as Ron, one of the caretakers of the mountain. He told me about each of the cats that lives on the property, their different personalities and a couple anecdotes about each of them. As other visitors came to have their look, he stayed by my side, shouted a quick greeting and continued on with the conversation we were having.

We didn’t talk too much about faith, although I wish we did. It seemed he was happy to have someone around to listen to stories from his daily life. He was very proud to be part of the salvation mountain family and being a part of the movement to share the love of Christ with others.

For some context, Salvation Mountain lies in a off-the-beaten-path desert town called “Slab City”. Slab City isn’t much of a city at all really, it’s just a collective of vehicle-dwelling folk. Most of the population lived in RVs but it didn’t seem these vehicles were used for transportation at all. Run down tarps and steel sheets held up by wooden posts were makeshift porches outside the entrance of campers ironically decorated with the colors and designs of the desert.

As a charcoal grey Mercedes-Benz Sprinter van sped down the dirt road adjacent to Ron’s home, he let out a snarky comment about “those people” and how they glamorize living out of a vehicle. Oh if only he knew that I was “one of those trendy car-dwellers” too. He’s right though, I don’t understand the lifestyle of the vehicle-dwellers in Slab City, and I hope I don’t seem like I claim to be. That honest comment that Ron made gave me a lot to think about on my drive back to Palm Springs.

Per Ron’s suggestion, I made a quick stop at East Jesus - a whimsical art installation just down the road. From the fuselage an old Cessna plane to a huge wall of old tube televisions, this interesting destination did not disappoint. Here I met a man of many names, but apparently the people here call him “Wizard”. His long beard, excessively tall and crooked wooden cane, and long tattered trench coat suggested that the nickname was founded from his appearance rather than his mystical powers. Wizard aimlessly pointed at several parts around the property and claimed creative genius and manual effort on several of the art pieces. Free from his wizardly mysterious speech about the purpose of the East Jesus art installation, I walked around to each piece to appreciate the handiwork.

After a morning of interesting conversation and much to think about, I drove back to Palm Springs, enjoying the Palm Tree farms along the way.

Next stop was the Moorten Botanical Garden. I heard about a beautiful cactus greenhouse and was excited to see it for myself. The botanical garden held all kinds of desert plants, from the dense fountain-style leaves of the Aloe Vera plant to tiny button cacti. At the entrance of the garden and final stop of the botanical garden loop was a shop with an array of succulents and desert plants that were for sale. I desperately wanted one but my small living space and airplane baggage limitations held me back from making a spontaneously rash decision to purchase a new plant friend.

With a couple hours remaining before I had to head to the airport, I decided to head out to Indian Canyon to see the biggest California Fan Palm Oasis in the world. I didn’t bring any athletic shoes so I wasn’t going to be able to go on a very aggressive hike, but I found two short hikes to explore.

The loop hike at Andreas Canyon was a living, ecological dichotomy. In the desert hills of Agua Caliente Nature Preserve was a lush green oasis sustained by the stream formed from the snowmelt of mountains many miles away. Walking into the valley of the dry barren mountains, I felt my lungs being coated with the moisture from the oasis surrounding me. To the right of the trail was a rock wall carved out from years of steady water erosion, and to my left was the flowing of a crystal clear stream that supplied the nutrients for the massive palm trees that provided my shade.

The loop took me on on the canyon on the south bank of the stream where I could get a aerial view of the oasis against the backdrop of red stone. Back when I would go hiking in the Pacific Northwest, I would be in awe as I looked at a mountaintop view of dense forest around me and ask the daunting question “How many trees do you think we can see from here?”. Asking this question at this particular spot on my hike didn’t seem so daunting. In fact from where I stood, I could probably give you an accurate number within the hour.

It was growing dark and the time to return the rental car was creeping near so I began my drive back to the airport. With a camera full of photos and a happy heart filled with new memories with an old friend, I was heading home to Denver with a smile on my face.

[navillusarat]

It’s my last night in Bradford, and I wish I had more time.

I always feel this way on writing retreats. Did I make the most of my time here? Was I productive enough? The answer is generally no, no matter how productive I was. I set my goals too high, and for some reason I always bring a bagful of books, as if I’d have time to read all of them. This was my first solo retreat– my first solo trip, actually– and I enjoyed being alone more than I thought I would. On Monday, I didn’t talk to anyone until 6pm when I attended class via FaceTime, and even then I mostly listened. It was glorious.

I’m staying at an Airbnb that is about half a mile from my childhood home. It’s a gorgeous farmhouse with a beautiful front porch, which is where I wrote most of my stay. I remember riding my bike past this house when I was a kid. I’m amazed by how much I remember: the locations of trails my siblings and I walked, the curves of roads and where they led, the smell of the woods and the river, the names of old neighbors. I was also surprised by the things I had forgotten: how dark and quiet this place is at night, the brightness of the stars, how the trees block out the sun on back roads and form natural tunnels. How sometimes the back roads get real scary, dropping to one lane, turning to dirt, and leading up steep inclines. (That happened a few times, and I was so relieved I had a small car and the weather was good.)

I came back to this place to remember. I want to remember. I want to bring this town to life with my words.

Sunday was the 19th anniversary of Tippy’s death. I was 19 when he died. I thought this year might feel different– I thought maybe I’d feel more reflective than usual, or maybe sadder. I don’t know. It seemed like it would be more significant.

It wasn’t really. I miss him as much I always have. As much as I always will.

I visited the crash site early Sunday morning. I hadn’t been there in a long time– over 10 years, I think. I almost missed the spot because it’s so overgrown now. The tree the Malibu hit was chopped down. At first I wasn’t sure if it was actually the tree, but then I saw the missing bark on both the stump and the trunk which lay on the ground to rot. I wondered if the tree had begun to rot long before it was cut down. I pulled out my phone and took pictures, both because I’m morbid and have a constant urge to document everything.

I spent the rest of the day wandering around Bradford. I left flowers at the grave of Mrs. Carr, a tenant of my parents who came with the multi-family house they bought. She was in her 90s when I met her, and I thought she was my third grandmother. I used to visit her often. She always had a bowl of strawberry hard candy in a glass bowl on the kitchen counter. She lived to be 103, and died when I was 10. Until then, no one I loved had died.

I walked by my old house. It’s for sale, and it looks like shit. I hoped someone might come out of the house so I could maybe strike up a conversation, and when no one did I was glad because approaching strangers one of my least favorite things to do.

I saw Katie and Mitch not once, but twice during my stay. I went to her house for dinner on Sunday, and Katie and I met earlier this evening at the Flying Goose Pub in New London. We talked about my book, mostly about how she’s a main character and I wanted to make sure she was OK with that. I still have trouble bringing up the topic without sounding creepy. It’s on the same level as telling someone you dreamed about them.

As nice as this visit has been, I’m not sure when or if I’ll come back. Not like this, anyway. I leave Bradford in the morning, and from there I have to transition back into a life where I have to talk to people. Lauren and I booked another retreat at the Hemingway House in November, so I have that to look forward to. My goal is to have a complete draft of my book completed by December 17th, so a long stretch of time in November will be the final push I need to finish.

Back in Bradford It's my last night in Bradford, and I wish I had more time. I always feel this way on writing retreats.