#felt pretty all week which was Nice (self esteem issues blah blah) but this?? feeling like i could pass as a boy at a glance always feels

[stellewriites]

finally found some good quality men’s shirts that fit well and hide my body shape,,,, guys i think gender euphoria is real

[disco-vader]

It’s 3:30 AM, I haven’t used Tumblr in like 3-4 years, and my brain won’t stop screaming at me.

Sorry y’all but this is just going to be me pounding my head against the wall for a little bit here, because I need to vomit all these thoughts out SOMEWHERE and no other platform is really set up for it like this one, so if anyone who’s still following me on here sees this and thinks I’m back, well, sorry. It’s just a vent post.

It’s been two weeks since I was let go from my job because of this fucking coronavirus bullshit and being stuck with my own thoughts is. Not good. 

I’m stuck in a position of being out of work and needing a job, but having a skillset that’s entirely based around working in close physical contact with other people. I stupidly decided to go into a dying industry that requires a hard-boiled work ethic when I KNOW that I don’t have what it takes to be an independent photography business, and that there’s no such thing as a 9 to 5 photography job that isn’t retail. My photography is OK and I’ve had people be very happy with it, but I haven’t actually made any real money with it AND there’s so many better photographers out there than me. I’m the epitome of a mediocre white boy surrounded by infinitely more talented people, I just don’t have the self esteem that normally comes with it. 

I’m so fucking mad about the election bullshit, and I’m extremely sour that I’m going to have to vote for fucking B*den in November, because as much as people go on about “blah blah keep fighting” I can’t let the fucking dictator that’s in power now be the one to decide the Supreme Court! I’m so angry that my primary vote effectively means nothing!

I feel unwaveringly, desperately, and terribly lonely, and the problem is that I’ve felt this way LONG before this quarantine was put into effect. I haven’t felt like I’ve had actual close friends, like PHYSICALLY close friends that I can casually hang out with and talk to, since college. Maybe even high school, if I’m being honest. I’ve got people that I’m friends with, of course - lots of them - but SO MANY of them are people I’ve met through conventions and more realistically, convention photography. They all live far away, and 90% of the time that I’m spending with them in person is doing a photoshoot with them. There’s times when I wonder how many of these people would have actually become friends with me if I didn’t have a camera. 

SO MUCH of my social circle is based around conventions, and it’s so frustrating, because I only attend 3, maybe 4 conventions a year total, and meanwhile everyone else goes to like 6 or 7 or something, which means there’s all kinds of interpersonal drama and feuds that I’m not privy to, and I hate getting involved with, and don’t know the right course to deal with. 

And with my social circle being comprised of people I meet at conventions mostly through photoshoots, it also makes the idea of dating a horrible joke. Not only would I feel like I’d be turning into those fucking horrible photographers who only tries to shoot with people to hit on them, the people I wind up attracted to are people who I’d have no shot with ANYWAY. They’re wonderful, lovely, amazing people, but they also tend to be taken, or not compatible sexualities, or other factors. I’m so tired of falling for or getting crushes on people who are completely and totally unavailable or uninterested. 

I hate the feeling of falling for someone just to know that they would never be interested in me that way!! And it feels like that’s the only type of people I fall for!! Like, the easiest way to put it is I feel like I’m just not an attractive person. At all. Not UGLY. There’s a difference. Even with all my body self esteem issues, I don’t think I look too terrible. But there’s something about me, either my body, or personality, or whatever, that people just don’t find attractive in the romantic sense, and it fucking kills me. And I keep getting crushes or keep being sexually attracted to my friends, and they can never know, because then they’ll be creeped out, or think that I was only friends with them to get in their pants, when it’s not true! They’re just hot people and I’m constantly thirsty!!

I want to be held!!! I want someone to hold me and lay on the couch with me and lay their head on my chest and hug me!!! I want to feel like I MATTER to someone, specifically!! Not because I’m a photographer and I can take a nice picture of them, but for being ME!!! I know I’m not the catch of the week! I don’t have a lot of money and even before this quarantine shit happened I didn’t have a great job!!! But there’s people out there who can find love in even worse situations than me and make it work! Why can’t I??? 

And I’m getting older!!! I’m 31! I don’t have a lot of time left to find someone and fall in love and maybe, MAYBE if I’m lucky, have a family!! I want to be a dad some day!! Even with all the bullshit in the world, I want to have a kid and be happy and try to be a good dad! I think I would make a pretty decent father if I had the chance!! But no, I’m just squandering my life away, and I don’t think it’ll ever happen at this point!! 

And I want sex!!! I hate that it’s always on my mind but I’m such a thirsty, sappy bitch of a man and I fucking hate it! But I’m terrified of that too, because I have so little actual experience that I feel like anyone who I would sleep with would find me a total joke! Not to mention that if I can’t even find REGULAR FRIENDS to hang out with who live near me, how the fuck am I going to find anyone nearby who’s open to banging, either in a real relationship or in a casual FwB thing??

I’m just. I’m lonely, and angry, and tired, and my sleep schedule is SO fucked up beyond belief that I’ve been wasting the days away, and I don’t know what to even try to do because what’s the damn point. 

[blackheartseverywhere]

Vent, If anyone actually cares enough to read.

I haven’t actually done a vent post since I don’t even know when, so here it goes.

This is the post that will literally tell you it all.

When I was growing up I never really understood why my parents didn’t talk, and to be honest to this day I don’t REALLY know the reason. I felt like they should have just divorced, I would literally cry and cry and cry all the time as I rehearsed what I would ever say to them if I ever got the chance to really speak my mind about their relationship and how it effected me. I got a chance once, and I got so mad, sadly it was through a text. I flipped out, and said you know what if you guys are going to be this way, and fight through your kids because you won’t talk, then just split. Move out from the same house, file the paperwork, and just end it. My mother said “you just don’t understand” and “there is more than just that”. I am literally almost in tears just writing about that. 

Whenever my friends brought up my parents I would just say eh, they don’t talk so who knows/cares, to everything. Therapy really got my going about them, and I realized that I had been fucked up for a long time. One time when I began therapy, and my meds and all that fucking shit, my dad basically was like oh yeah its just all his fault and all that bullshit. He didn’t agree at all with my going on meds or seeing someone for help, he still doesn’t agree and its been four years since i started the stressful journey to try and get better. 

In middle school I finally started to find more people I wanted to hang out with and started to smoke and drink. I smoked a hell of a lot in middle school and high school, and I realize now also that I preferred to be high or drunk because I didn’t have these constant depressing thoughts. To this day, I do still like to be high because it is a distraction, whereas when I get drunk I usually cry because all my life issues decide to show themselves at once. 

Middle school is also when I got my first kiss, my first make out session, my first “feel up” hah. Nothing serious. I fell hard for this boy Dan Jackson though, and god what I would give to go back to the days when I was too shy to see his parents, and just didn’t have a single care in the world other than for him. He really did make my life better for the time that we spent together. To be honest, I don’t really know why we broke up the first time that we did. I just know that we tried again in high school, and that is when I fucked up and chose Dakota (we will get to him later). Dan and I just didn’t work out in the end which is okay because he really taught me the most. He taught me that when a boy cares, he really will show it, he will hold your hand and lay in a park of grass with you to do anything, even just watch a worm after his baseball practice.. literally we did that.. that was also the first photo I ever had kissing someone, I wish I still had that.

High school started.. and shit got FUCKED up. From the very start, things were all sorts of messed up and I knew it was gonna be quite the ride. Soccer was great though, literally the only thing that kept me going was soccer. I dated Colin, oh boy, I didn’t really know anything about him other than we went to middle school together and he sat with my best friend Mitch at lunch. Never met him before a pool party that was on his birthday actually, at MaryKates aunts house. I decided that day, at the pool party, that this boy was cute and I kinda liked him a little. Got his number blah blah blah, then we dated for what maybe a week or two??? Then school started and I decided nah this guy is not for me, I thought he kissed bad (literally was his first make out or kiss or whatever so I was a mean person for thinking he kissed bad when he wasn’t experienced yet!) Anyway, we decided to stay friends, and even ended up becoming “best friends” or so we called it. This boy man, he took me for the most wicked (and not in the RI way we say wicked, meaning good, this was wicked like the witch) crazy, far from fun, roller coaster ride of my life. 

I knew he liked me, everyone knew. I just ignored it because I was more concerned about others... leading me to dating Dakota freshmen year. Dakota was awesome, I fell hard for this boy and lost my virginity to him, and he lost his to me. We had fun, well as much fun as you can have when neither of you can drive, you didn’t attend the same school, and his parents didn’t think nicely of you. Really though, we did have a ton of fun. He was always over and my mom and family (minus dad) loved him. He was goofy and literally over a foot taller than me. We broke each others hearts in the end. He really fucked me over though but honestly I don’t even want to think about that. He ended up moving to Arizona sophomore year and boy did I miss him. He told me he would write every day.. I got two letters, one he wrote before leaving and the other was mailed.. oh well. 

Sophomore year was the year that got really all messy. I realized I was boy crazy haha! Just to clear the air to anyone reading by the way, not boy crazy like OMG I was having sex with every boy haahah, I legit just liked a lot of people, and by this time I had only had sex with two people, Dakota and Dan Jackson when we got together after me and Dakota ended. 

As this all happened Colin was always fighting with me, and I was always fighting with him, about every single thing. He knew I was boy crazy and was really mean about it, but hey like I said, he liked me so of course he was gonna be mean ANYWAY. 

Then Casey came into my life. This happened in like February or March I believe. I remember Pat was away on vacation, Pat was a mutual friend we both hung with, I always was with Pat getting food or ice cream or whatever, he was my best friend, other than CoCo aka Colin. Casey and I had started to text, honestly not sure how. We decided to meet up and get breakfast, we went to the handy and i literally remember I got a bagel with cream cheese, and that he looked like something I wanted to eat more than that bagel.. and my ass legit to this day, eats a bagel with cream cheese most days!  Goddddd, I legit was like holy fuck, this boy is who I want to last. He was AMAZING, every thing I ever wanted. (Colin was ticked because it was his friend!!! hahahaha) I was sooo happy for the couple months I got to spend with this boy. I never had all the bad thoughts about my entire life while I was around him. He took my breath away, he made me feel pretty, he kissed me in the hallway after school for everyone to see. I was literally love struck. Never did we say we loved each other, because it wasn’t love just yet. We were just really happy together. 

Spring break came. I was going on a school trip to Costa Rica, Casey sadly was not coming, but Colin was. Casey and I met up before I had to go to Rogers to meet the bus for midnight. Casey has just gotten his license not too long before so he picked me up and we went for a drive, happiest most amazing most exciting (in my pants, sadly no full on sex on that ride haahah just a lot of touching) car ride ever. Then he kissed me so sweetly goodnight and it was that night, that, that fucking night, that  I had my last kiss with Casey Harrington. If i knew that I would have changed how everything went down following that kiss, and that week that was coming. 

In Costa Rica Colin kept trying to get with me, he knew I was with Casey, and mind you he had a girlfriend! A girl on the trip made a phone call home and low and behold it got to Casey that Colin and I were hooking up.. WE WERE NOT. Shit was all fucked up now, I confronted the girl and basically was like FUCK YOU, YOU LYING FUCK. This trip was the first time Colin saw me cry, and it was because things were over now and I could not change it all the way in Costa Rica. I cried for real, and he cried also, though I bet he would deny that. We kissed that night and decided well, if they think we hooked up fuck it. WE DID NOT HAVE SEX  we made out. THAT IS ALL. MADE OUT. 

I got home to a lot of mean messages from more than one person. I had Colin and I had Pat ( and Steph, she was there through all of this though we had a rough patch about Dakota...). I was a mess, I missed Casey, and told Colin I was going to try to get him back. It didn’t work, although once I saw him out and he kissed me right on the fore head and told me he was sorry and regretted not taking me to prom.. I almost cried in front of the world that night. 

I got with Colin. We ended up dating. He was fucked up, and I was fucked up. Mentally. We fought all the time, literally allll the time. But people loved us together and always were saying they knew we would date, and probably get married one day. FUCK NO. I was in the midst of literally breaking down all the time, and I definitely became depressed during this relationship. I do not blame my depression fully on Colin but some of it was him. We were on and off, and really happy at times. We went out on dates, my family loved him (again minus my dad). His family definitely didn’t like my shyness but oh well. 

In the end we broke up after Junior year, he talked shit to all my guy friends about me. They all stopped talking to me. Until after high school when most stopped caring and we became acquaintances again. Colin told everyone I was a “dead fish” and well to him I just never wanted to be on top during sex. He legit made me feel bad about myself. Why would I want to do something where he could again, judge me. Literally, he made me never ever want to be on top, he ruined my self esteem and made me hate myself more than I already did.

We were both fucked up and nuts. He hated me and I hated him. But we were so in love with each other at the same time. This summer my dog passed away, I got into my first car accident, got my first speeding ticket. Then I beat a girl up because they hooked up, and he got out of my car because of a boy I was hooking up with to go punch him in the face... literally nuts. 

I spent my entire, ENTIRE, summer before senior year, drunk as hell. Me and Taylor, and then Danny G came into the crew. Danny and I started hooking up, I took his virginity, we were both a bit drunk that night, but we kept hooking up, even sober hhaha. Danny and I kept things up and were together all the time, either at my house or Steph’s or his or just in the car, for the whole summer and a little more after summer. Sadly one day I decided i still kinda felt for Colin and that didn’t sit well with him, I still feel bad about that. 

God, I was so fucked up. Between my parent’s hating each other, Colin and I hating each other, and me realizing that I was insane, I was depressed and full of fucking rage! Soccer started and I was happy again, I got my anger out through the sport. The breakfast club began when Soccer did and that saved my life. We were high all the time, and drunk most weekends. We threw parties and we just raged like best friends did. Mary, Laura, Lily, Mattea, and Myself. I would never change the friendship we all had together for anything. Ups and downs. Those girls had my back. We all were boy crazy and we all had fun. I was definitely still relying on weed and alcohol though. I was back to crying all the time, every night, just sad and literally wishing I was dead. 

Colin was in a few of my classes to start senior year, and I was not happy but whatever I dealt with it, and we just kept away. He started being a complete dick after a few months in. He would flick me off every day and just literally be RUDE AS FUCK to me. I had to ignore it and just act like it didn’t bother me.

Cocaine came into my life senior year, I fucking loved it. I didn’t do it too much, just when there were big parties or there were dances. I loved it, but like I said nothing crazy came from that. (I mean I am still alive and not addicted to drugs or anything so I am doing well even though I am a depressed mess.)

I got with Shane around Christmas.. he doesn’t matter though, he cheated on me. I just loved that he would buy me alcohol. LOL

I went to college the next year. I started soccer at Salve, and welp, I quit. I fucked myself over and literally RUINED my life. I regret that. Quitting soccer and going on that Costa Rica trip, those are the two regrets I have in life. 

Days are passing and Dan V. comes into my life. We fall soooo hard for each other. I left Salve for two reasons. One I wanted to see Dan more, so URI it was. And two, I could not take the pain of seeing the soccer girls, and knowing, how fucking bad I fucked up.  Dan made/makes me so happy. He is always there and never made me feel bad about myself or self conscious about sex or anything like Colin did. 

Fast forward to the end of Freshman year. I failed all but one class, and got kicked out of college. I was so fucking fucked up about this. I cried and said I would never go back. But dad and I wrote that letter to appeal it. I got back in following the medical tests I decided to go through with to see wtf was happening to me. 

I had gotten all the medical testing done, I was diagnosed with, extreme depression, chronic anxiety, ADHD, and my Auditory processing speed was below 95% of my peers. I realized that day, when I read that packet and I cried in my car that I really did need help. 

Now jump to the middle of Sophomore year of college.

I went to therapy, I got the meds, I did it all.

Nothing fucking changed.

I wanted to die.

I got drunk EVERY SINGLE day.

I barley ate, and I really only wanted to go to the gym. 

I got skinny. Too skinny at one point.

But fuck it right???

Senior year of College, aka my Super Senior year, I went back to Coke a little bit, and did it a lot more than before but still I was not addicted just trying to forget shit and be happy. I got drunk again, every single day, and just did not give two fucks about anything. 

Now here I am. 23, I made it out of college even while I was and still am depressed. I am going back to school at PC, even though I have a BA in English and a MA cert in TEFL. 

I am still insanely depressed and it is getting so so so bad again. I can’t seem to sleep. My migraines are getting intense, and happening DAILY. I still have Dan by my side and I am so thankful for him. But man, I honestly just wish I killed myself way back then. I still pray that one day things will get easier for me, and that I will beat depression, and I will just not have anxiety. That won’t ever happen though. 

I just need things to look up for me. But I guess I need to be able to look up also for that to happen. 

As you can see, I was completely boy crazy. I was overly in love at some points, mostly with Colin. I was bat shit crazy because I was depressed and for the longest time did not know it. 

[typing-shit-helps]

I blame a lot of my internal issues with relationships on the fact that I didn’t date until sophomore year of college.

Before college, I was super into sports and my grades. I had a social life but never had any confidence to go after anyone to date. I liked the same boy from 6th-9th grade then moved and had the same crush on another boy from 10th-12th grade. I’m a loyal bitch, that’s for sure.

Freshman year of college I was just pumped at the whole new pool of people I could meet. I used a fake northern accent because I thought it was hilarious and thought it’d make me memorable... it didn’t. I was fucking annoying. I had my first encounter with a boy who’d slid into my DMs on twitter and asked me to his fraternity’s camp out event. I’d never had any boy show any interest in me so of course I went but had my guard up. He tried to get me drunk (little did he know I can hold my liquor) when I was tired, I got into our tent and he started touching me and attempted to take my pants off. When I asked him what he was doing he responded with “this is what you came here for” I said “no it’s not” and I punched him in the dick. I didn’t want to be a statistic. A lot of freshmen girls lose their virginity at these camp outs and no thanks.

Had a huge wall up until I met my first “real” boyfriend. I still think about him sometimes. It wasn’t a very long relationship. We were better as friends but if I could redo that relationship now, I think it’d be a pretty great thing. I had no confidence in myself with him. None whatsoever. I didn’t know what to do in a relationship and I was 20 years old. I felt so bad that I couldn’t give him what I thought he wanted because of my low self esteem I distanced myself and told him we are better as friends. We tried again about a year later and i still had no confidence in myself. He now lives in Texas and is living his dream with a girl who seems to make him happy. Truly happy for him. He did nothing wrong. That was all me.

I had “talked” to a few guys between that relationship. Everyone of them ended in me being ghosted. Which is a great feeling.

I met my first “love” at 23. We were like the same person. We got each other and it was great. About 5 months in, he took a job in Minnesota. Which was great at first. We did long distance, I visited when I could and I even made plans to move up there to finish my masters degree. He became super distant at around our 1 year mark. I had found out that no one knew that we had been dating for a year. He hadn’t told his family or friends so I was a huge secret. Which made me think that I’m not worthy of being someone’s anything. I had given this man everything of me. I rearranged my life for someone that didn’t make me a priority enough to share my existence with people he was closest to. He had struggled with depression and alcoholism before he met me but once he was “alone” in the cold he fell back into that and pushed me away. Lied to me for over a year about our future plans, he made me believe that we had something but it was all a lie.

We stopped all communication until about a year to the day we had broken things off. He texted me and apologized because truly I was the best friend he could ever ask for. And you’re damn right I was. I’m a great ass person who gives their all to everyone they hold close to them. He wasn’t getting off that easy though. I knew we weren’t going to date again but it was nice to have him as a friend since we are so alike. We talk every now and then just to check in. He has a live in girlfriend of 8 months and they even got a cat together. Which like good for them but I want that. Not with him, just in general.

Between first “love” and today I’ve “talked” to a few guys. Kind of became a hoe hoe because I realized how much I liked sex after we had broken up. They all ended in “we are just better as friends” which is so fucking frustrating.

I was with this one guy for 3 months. He asked me to be his girlfriend like 3 weeks in which I thought was weird but whatever we were hanging out every other day, screwing like rabbits, why not put a label on it? I took his virginity, he was very nice, wanted to spend time with me and wanted to know about my life. I noticed that he was feeling down and distant in November of 2019 so I asked him about it. He then goes on to day he’s been lying for the last month about what he’s been doing. He hasn’t been going to work when he says he is, which like whatever, just tell me. He also has been lying about where he is when we are supposed to hang out. Being lied to is my biggest pet peeve. It doesn’t take a lot to be fucking honest. But he then goes on to basically say “it’s not you it’s me” I say okay But I was worried because he was feeling depressed and it’s the same shit I went through with first love so I wanted to be a friend. The entire time I’m checking in weekly making sure he’s okay, once again, doing more for someone who is giving me nothing. He asks me in January about possibly becoming FWB. Which at this point I don’t think is a good idea because you’re still getting through something and idk what it is and I don’t want to damage your growth. I look on Facebook and 2 days after he had asked me that, he is in a relationship with someone I thought was my friend. I messaged her something along the lines of “congrats but I just want to let you know he wasn’t ready for a relationship in November and asked me to be FWB with him like 2 days ago, just be careful. You deserve more” or whatever. She then goes and blocks me! I haven’t heard shit from her since. I then went slap tf off on this boy for 1 lying to me about him talking to someone and 2 telling me it wasn’t my fault when it clearly was. They both blocked me and apparently they’re still dating according to my fake Facebook. Which like good for you, glad you could find someone that can handle your fuck shit.

Now this brings me to today. I had a life changing surgery in May. I was talking to a guy that had the same in December since a little before my surgery and things were decent. We have the same interests for the most part and he’s pretty nice. It being Covid season and my healing process we weren’t able to really hangout. A few weeks ago I was finally feeling up to a first date thing aaaand he canceled. He was exposed to covid and had to quarantine. I have those receipts, all facts. He met me and bought me shrimp but we stayed in our cars. Super sweet. Then his quarantine goes by, we plan another “date”. He cancels. This time he gives me this whole story about how he has to pick up his cousins kids from a situation, blah blah, pulling at my heart strings because he knows good and damn well I have a soft spot for kids. Totally understandable, just let me know when you get home. Texts me when he gets home, great. The next day he’s like “just got done dropping the kids off, be home in about 45 minutes “ which was weird because I had just looked at snap maps (not to stalk him but to look in general) and he was at home 7 minutes before he sent that text. I screenshot it so I could have proof. So I asked him why his snap location showed him at home and he gave me some shut about him being 45 minutes away and I was like huh, snap maps are pretty accurate and constantly update so you’re being sketchy my dude. Then he turns it on me to make me feel crazy for even thinking he would lie about that and for checking in on him through his location. And he’s like I’m going to need a bit to think it over. Think what over bitch? The fact that you were caught in a lie!? Like he made me feel so crazy and insane for even thinking he would lie but then I realized, that’s gaslighting and I do not have the time for a human that does that shit. He still hasn’t texted me back but even if he does.... I deserve better and sorry dude, I know my worth and you’re not it chief.

So now I will continue to type here as I think through my personal feelings and hopefully one day I will find someone who gives the same as I put in and we can be happy. Until then, we just on here because typing shit helps.

[walkerfamily813]

Seeing Myself Thru Beautiful Eyes

For the past week, I have been feeling different. I have been seeing myself in a different perspective. And it took me years just to get to this place.

Growing up, I’ve always had self-esteem issues. I was bullied and made fun of as a child because I was poor and sometimes stank (thru no fault of my own). If you look at my Instagram and Facebook, you would be able to see that I was dorky, awkward, and weird. I remember being in elementary school and being called 4 eyes because I was the only one with glasses but as I grew up, I learned to love them. I remember just running down our road to get home in 9th grade and our neighbor (a guy) said “run piggy piggy!” And to this day, it still stings tbh. 6 years later. But it’s something I’m working on.

But as I started reconnecting with an old friend, he made me realize my worth. He has shown me what true friendship looks like just by saying (jist of it) “let me in and see all the good and bad parts. To accept every part of you” Aside from Micheal, I have never ONCE had a friend say that to me. And from my past growing up, I do have abandonment issues. I’m always looking for people’s validation. I’m always nice and quiet BECAUSE I want people to like me. I never want to piss off or offended anyone to where they don’t accept me. It all stems from being bullied, being alone, and then feeling like majority of my family abandoned me when I needed them the most at that time.

So him showing me what friendship looks like, made me realize who is worth giving my heart to and who isn’t. I realized if you want to be in my life, then you’ll show an effort. I’m tired and I don’t have time anymore to lully-gag and beg for people to be in my life.

Especially my family and certain family members that I want to be in my life. I make all these plans and imagine all these scenarios and then I don’t hear anyone asking me about my life. If I need help, how my new job is coming, etc. I had a pregnancy scare before, I told a “close” family member, he asked me why I think I do, I told him, and then he said “you’re not” and left it as that. He never once later asked me if I am, if I still believe I was, nadda. You would of thought for being a so called “family man” that he speaks of, you would think he would be more invested to see if he was going to be a part of it. And that’s what really hit me. So I said fuck it. I’m too worth it to basically play his mind game. Always *saying* he missed me, he’s happy we’re talking, etc. But *showing* no actions to wanting to be invested in my life. I mean, I don’t even get a hello anymore. (And btw, I’m not pregnant. It was just a scare and every woman has one at least once in their life. It’s okay)

Another thing that is helping, is my new job. It’s one hell of a step up, and it made me realize that I made this fucking happen. I knew where I was, wasn’t temporary. I *knew* I wasn’t able to buy my own home and start a family on that income. All in all, it wasn’t enough, and it wasn’t stable enough. So in the back of my mind, I always KNEW there was something out there better for me. That my job was there to teach me, to help me grow and form into who I am today. And it worked. Even tho some days I wanted to say fuck it and leave, in my heart I knew to stay. Even when it was rough and we struggled. My gut told me that I needed to stay.

Long story short, going thru an extensive hiring process, they made me realize they don’t just hire anyone. That you basically need to be the best of the best to get in, and that’s what helped me. Like I said, in my heart, I always knew there was something better for me. It all just took timing and for me to practice getting better at what I do. As I worked more on myself, the more I fell in love with what I do. I can explain more things on about my job and how I knew that this is where I wanted to be, but mainly for now, they made me realize I was worth being there. That they valued me (they also have more benefits for the associates than what I’m used to. Like games, selling stuff for the employees, etc) so they made me feel like they valued me being there more than they needed me to just save their ass. They didn’t need me, they wanted me. So that gave me a boost up.

Then the last thing, it would have to be the biggest. Not too long ago, I had a dream that I was with someone I used to know. I don’t do this anymore but I used to be jealous of her because she was pretty. She was on the slutty side and being under 18, that wasn’t a good thing. But I used to be jealous because she was the complete opposite and to me, was comfortable in her own skin. She found herself sexy and I didn’t. But in my dream, we were hanging out and she showed me this type of underwear. They were silk and they were high waisted to make your butt look bigger. I bought a pair and they really did make me feel sexy. So then I asked her if she has any tips or could help me on how she’s so beautiful. What she does so that way, I can feel good about myself. She doesn’t say anything and then I wake up.

*As soon as* I woke up, I thought to myself “OMG. Instead of trying so hard to lose weight JUST to look good, focus on what makes me feel good and what works for me. Look up videos on what eyeshadow goes with my eyes, what clothes fit my body shape the best, etc.” To not focus so much on losing weight to look good and hopefully then I’ll feel sexy. But to lose weight to where I FEEL healthy in my own body. To work WITH my body and not against it. To love it for what it is, to compliment certain features instead of trying to hide it, and to FEEL healthy and sexy instead of worrying about the size of my body. Waking up that day, it was like an emphany.

Being off the shot, and being at my lowest a few years ago, i really gained a lot of weight. Which also made my self-esteem go even lower. In my mind, when I was younger, I was skinnier and thought I was the shit. So in my mind, I saw being skinnier would make me more confident and sexy. But no. It was the clothes that I wore that helped, and the way I felt healthy. I felt more active and energetic.

Then I also realized, the “bloated belly bump” is also genetic for me. The women in my close family, they have a belly. When I was a teenager, I always had a belly. It’s just how my body is and I’m slowly learning to love and accept it. Being off the shot, it bloated me even more. But being off the shot, will allow me to have the family I desire in my future. So I ended up realizing that no matter how much I try to be skinny and be at the weight I was when I was 15, it’s not going to work the way I want because I always have an issue of keeping the weight off. Some days I’ll look and feel good, but the other days I feel blah and fat. My belly is constantly changing. And that’s really the only thing I have an issue with. I look hella good from the front, you can see my hourglass shape and the curves of my hips. I love the back view cause my ass looks cute xD but from the side, I always look like Im pregnant.

And hell. Even maybe the baby belly is helping me love my stomach and being okay with my stomach, because my maternal instinct kicks in and I think “one day, there will be a baby” as weird and crazy as that sounds. But it’s a never ending journey that I’m eager and excited to go on. To see myself in a different life and to love what I have.

July 6, 2017.